Three Bean Salad - Dentists

Episode Date: April 12, 2023

This week’s topic comes from none other than Phillip Kerrigan of Kerrigan’s mustard. His choice: dentists. It’s a thorny one, sure, but that doesn’t put off the beans. They chat hard and true and, arguably at the top of their podcasting game, find a way to incorporate crabs. This episode is dedicated to the late, wonderfully funny and much missed comedian Gareth Richards.Gareth's website: http://www.garethrichards.net/Gareth's EP: https://garethrichards.bandcamp.com/album/these-songs-could-be-used-in-adverts-epJoin our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladGet in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

Hello everybody. Welcome to Three Bean Salad. We've got a little bit we'd like to do before the episode because since recording this episode we had some very terrible news which many of you will be aware of which is that our friend and fellow comedian Gareth Richards died tragically in a car accident and we wanted to just have a little moment just to acknowledge that and to send our love to his family and just do a little dedication, if you don't mind. Some of you may have come across his work. Nadal will be fans among the listeners, but he was a wonderful, wonderful, lovely, lovely, gentle, delightful man and a brilliant comic. You even did a show with him, didn't you, Henry, back in the day?

I did indeed. I did. I did a show in Edinburgh with Gareth in 2010, I believe, and it was... It was a sweet piece of comedy. It was a sweet piece of comedy and as you say, absolutely. Gareth was an absolutely lovely, lovely person. Yeah, it's just unspeakably sad news about Gareth. Did you gig with him, Ben? Yeah, when I started comedy we seemed to be at the same gigs quite a lot. I was thinking about this. When you start comedy, it's quite nerve-wracking, really. If I saw that he was there as well, I'd be like, oh, thank God, because he was just very nice and just a very lovely, lovely man. Even if you were crap, which I often was, he was very kind to you. I was thinking about

that this week, that he was just a lovely person to know. Oh, yes. I definitely did gigs when I died on my whole in the presence of Gareth. It never felt bad in the presence of Gareth, even though you would then go on to have a humdinger. If you don't know his comedy, his website is still up, of course, which is garethrichards.net. You could, even, buy his beautiful, beautiful EP, which is called These Songs Could Be Used in Adverts. We just wanted to dedicate this episode to him and send out love into the ether. Yes, and our thoughts are very much with his family. Very much so.

Yep, absolutely. Thank you for that. Thank you for indulging us in that. And farewell, Gareth. Lovely, Gareth. Ben's doing his little world weary. Lucky gives me sometimes. I keep getting asked by my thing if it wants to change. Okay, I'm hoping I'm going to be all right. I keep getting asked by the software if it can change the, something to do with the headphones. I didn't help you. Ben, can we do our, can we, we've done this once before, but can we now do our annual tech sort of catch up with you? The help desk?

Well, it's sort of, there's an element of help desk, but also it's you essentially give the, it's a bit like, it's sort of like our own internal tech Oscars, where you, you basically say, who is, who is currently better at tech me or Mike? Well, hang on, right? Well, today's first, first day of, I've got two creamy new leads happening, so I should be coming too loud and creamy. This is the worst possible day I could have chosen to do this. I thought, I thought I could hear a new lead. Ah, Dan, there is a creaminess coming at me in both ears from you, Mike.

Henry, for the third year running, you have won Tech Dunce. Put on the hat. So I, I can do it while I've had it soldered on now, so I can just keep it on. It's almost, it's almost worse for me if I lose the dunce hat now that it's soldered on. I've got narrow incentive to change things. You know the dunce hat as an idea, it's quite a well established sort of trope, but I'm assuming it's unfashionable these days. Was it ever actually a thing though?

It's one of the things you see in fiction, but surely. You can't even stick a comical hat on your thickest borne anymore. This is, yeah, it's bloody unbelievable. How are they supposed to learn that they're the dunce, how are they supposed to find out if they're not facing a corner for most of the day with a comical hat on? That's unbelievable, isn't it? The herd needs to identify its runt. And it will, it will eat the food that cascades down to the third tier

of the dinner pyramid. Yeah, which is first born. Well, father at the top. Father. Yeah, patriarch at the top. Yeah, patriarch at the top. Patriarch's assistance. Yes, so that's undisgraced, as yet undisgraced uncles.

That's right. And mistress. And mistress's family. Irish wolf hound. A, at least a baker's dozen of bastards. Of patriarch-sired bastards. Are we even allowed to say that anymore? Yep.

Their next tier is golden child. So good at the violin, decent Duke of Edinburgh, down hand with a hockey stick. And the golden child obviously has access to the gong, which they can use to... Well, they can use it for a variety of purposes, can't they? The gong, Mike? They can use it as a dinner plate.

They can use it as a hat. They can use it as a frisbee. That's right. They can use it to water their pet Shetland pony that they got for their 15th birthday. It's also quite ceremonial, isn't it? Because as they wheel the gong around the home, the other children can be in no doubt of who's the favourite.

Because if, of course, they don't have gongs, do they? The others. All they can hope for is the glint of the sun in their eyes. Because the gong plays jack-o-lanterns with them. That's it. That's the only piece of the gong they're getting. So, of course, the next tier is the artsy daughter. Yes.

Lovely singing voice. Terrible job prospects. Can't be persuaded to do a law degree. Much to the chagra of the parents. Yeah. Chagra. Chagra. She, of course, has a menacing boyfriend

who turns off on a motorbike every so often, who... You're currently just campaigning against them using disinformation techniques. Pamphleting. You're trying to tarnish him as a wastrel, but he's actually quite entrepreneurial. In fact, he's managed to go fund me his own zine. And you'll never admit it, but inside, deep, deep within,

one of your editions of Autodrader, you've actually secreted a copy of his zine. Which you'll occasionally have a look at. And is it a digital zine? Just a question. And Ed, did you have to print it out? No, he printed out a limited... There is a digital zine,

but there's a limited print edition as well. It depends how much you give to the go fund me, exactly. And you've actually started plowing quite a lot of your money into the go fund me. Because what's happened is you've had to... You've just... Graduates, it happens like sort of, you know, it's just very, very slowly, like sort of coastal erosion.

It's just gradually, gradually, you can't really put a finger on when it started, but you have Begum actually the biggest fan of his zine. I mean, you're secretly almost keeping that zine going, aren't you? And you're having to sign some funds away from your golden child. You started the Reddit page on the zine, didn't you? Yeah, I did, yeah.

I love it. It's just a great, great zine. I mean, it's ticking all... It's ticking all of everything you want from the zine, isn't it? The thing is, you just love Kawasaki Dreams. It's a great zine. It's such a good zine. There's definitely an element of sort of like Japanese cartoon

porniness about it. Yeah, there's... Yeah. Oh, there's a manga thread running through it, sure. Yeah, it gives me a mango horn. Yeah. Yeah, I'm the first one to... I'll toot my mango horn right now.

I'll toot it, you know. I mean, I'm not ashamed of it. But it's just a great zine, isn't it? Regular output, strong content, great design work, strong pagination. You can really find your way around it, isn't it? You've got the zine. It's almost got a kind of intuitive zine mapping, almost.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, it's a bit like the Argos catalogue in that respect, isn't it? You just feel like you know who you are. Which, yeah, that was very much the progenitor of the zine, wasn't it? You couldn't have had the zine without the Argos catalogue existing first.

No. Well, it was... And some people see it as a satire on the Argos catalogue. Yeah. Very, very clever one. But the big sticking point, of course, is that Japanese woman all wrapped up in tentacles based on your daughter? Because if it is, you're ready to turn on that guy

and essentially rip him to shreds, aren't you? And actually cancel your subscription to the zine? Potentially. Probably not. The zine's so well made. No, the zine, it's just too good. Even if your daughter broke up with him, you'd still be getting the zine on a monthly basis.

You're locked in now, that's it. In perpetuity. So that's the second tier of the pyramid. Is that the second tier? Yeah. Yeah, and third tier is... Third tier is the dunce layer. And that's all the dunce children.

Otherwise known as the trough. It's not a lot of fun in the trough. And they subside subsist exclusively off onion skins, don't they? It's just all onion skins. I've had an idea. So I know we talked before, Henry talked about making his first bill.

What? Bill's short for billion. Oh, first bill? Oh, sorry, yeah, you see it. For you, of course. Okay, all right, I'm going to try to use that today. First, yeah. Yeah, that's a good one.

First bill. I picked that up from the TV show Succession, where they're billionaires and they talk about bills. Is that in the latest new one, is it? Yeah. They're trying to buy a newspaper group or something, and they're like, can we go to 10 bill? So, bill.

Okay, bill. Okay. Henry talked about making his first bill by making a ready-scooped ice cream parlor. Oh, yeah, still quite good idea. Although they already do it in Putin's... They already do it in Russia, unfortunately. But I've had another idea

about how we can collectively make our first bill. Because I've had an idea for a horror movie. Oh, nice. Okay. Can I run it by you? Please do. Please. Okay.

It opens. Good start. I like it. Yeah, good. It's just a life of a regular guy. Played by, let's say, Henry Packer. Oh, nice. Okay.

Whew. Yep. It's already feeling pretty universal. He's just got a regular life. Say, I'll say, how fast does he speak? Just regular? I've already got some questions about the character. I mean, there's nowhere you're going to be playing him, Henry.

Come on, mate. It's a named character. This is Chalamet all the way. I will stand aside for Chalamet. The only person I would stand aside for would be Chalamet, potentially. But, um... So, yeah, like a regular, normal, fast-talking, normal guy.

I think Chalamet's too good looking for this role. Okay. Huh. Thanks, man. Cheers. I mean, can I say morale is already dangerously low on this film. I'm actually smelling a cast muciny. I can see your dunce hat is actually drooping.

It's drooping. Oh, dear, tall. So, a regular guy with a soldered-on dunce hat. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's a regular guy. He's got his regular job.

He works in one of those cubicles you see in American TV and movies. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Classic place for an average guy to be holed up during the day. Lovely. Yeah. Great bit of shorthand.

Probably got a slightly sarcastic boss. Oh, yeah. So, certainly, that opening scene is like we establish how drab this guy's life is. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Everything's tones of biscuit. So, the tone's sort of like custard cream-colored shirt. Yeah.

Bourbon-colored tie. Isn't it just sort of biscuit tones? Rich cheese, cracker-colored crackers. Obviously, non-branded crackers, but unless we can get them to tie in with the project then. So, you might think about when it comes to funding. Because I'm happy to discuss all elements of the project. That's one of the great benefits you get with working with me. Don't get this with Shalime, do you?

Do not. He's not going to write a letter to Rich's crackers. He's not interested. Yeah. He's too busy trying to track his genetic character to see how far back he's related to horses. That's what all he puts all his funding into. And it carry him. Okay.

So, he goes home from work, gets home. We have the scene where it shows how boring his life is. Like he cracks a beer. He's got a very sparse house. Goes to bed. So, that's the opening scene. We established this guy's a normal guy. Yeah.

He hooks at this point. Yeah. Next morning. He wakes up. At the end of his bed is Mike Wozniak playing some sort of evil goblin character. Okay. He's sort of laughing. I don't know, Mike, if you can give us some of that.

No, you're going to have to do that, Ben. You're going to have to dub that over. Yeah. Okay. We'll do that in ADR. Is that what it's called? ADR. Yeah.

Okay. I think in Hollywood, most goblins are ADR, I think. There's a couple of guys who do the goblin voices. We see our main character. He's got an explosive strapped to his chest. Yeah. Okay. Oh my God.

What? What? So, it's a bit like the Saw franchise. So, he's got the thing strapped to his chest and the goblin goes, and outlines the premise of the movie, which is that the man has got one hour and the charge will explode and he will be completely blown to bits in one hour, unless he can find a slow worm. I've got some questions and intrigues.

Mike, have you got any questions? Yeah, my question is to you, Henry. My question is about your question. Okay. Is your question based on the fact that you wouldn't know a slow worm if you found one at the bottom of your cup of coffee? That's correct. I mean, I didn't think I know any other kind of worm.

Well, what is a slow worm? It's like a snake. It's like a British... Oh, have we talked about this before? It's not a snake, it's like this listed, but yes. You might have saved me a bollocking there, Ben. Tell me about slow... I'm interested in the idea.

I'm really interested in... I'm interested in a real-life situation in which you're given one hour to find a slow worm wherever you are in Britain, and how possible that would be. I'm looking at one on Google. Okay. I didn't think I would count. Suspense-wise, I think it's going to have to be IRLs.

I can't. Slow worm. Okay. But he could certainly print out a photograph in the water. Even if he's got a really decent printer, that might buy him a bit of time. I've got a few questions. So, if we're like Blue Sky, if we're sort of like breaking scripts to get there, talking about just checking out Disneyland.

In real life, there's two approaches they might take. One is, who is this goblin guy? What's his story? He sounds like he's a conservationist. He's a sort of conservation terrorist. I think so, yeah. He's worried about the... But can I...

The steep decline in the prevalence of slow worms? The UK. Well, I think I suppose I would try and reason... I might try and reason with the goblin. I mean, already just saying that just sounds bad, doesn't it? Sounds like a bad... It's one of the defining creatures of goblin, isn't it? It sounds like a bad idea or a great album title.

For a prog rock band, reasoning with the goblin. Can I reason, reason with the goblin? I tried to reason with the goblin in my mind. That's quite good. So, second option is, it's just... It's basically... You want to find a slow worm? Find Packham.

And you'll find a slow worm. Oh, yes. I would go to Packham. I would pull out every celebrity contact I've got in the book. We're talking Mike Wozniak. We're talking Ben. Everyone. I'd go straight to my celebrity black book of contacts.

Chris Packham is the key here. Chris Packham is the key. So, I'd pull every fucking... Every favour I've got. For any international listeners who might not know, how do we describe Chris Packham? He's the champion of the squirrel. He's the hedgehog's hero.

He's the go-to guy for the stricken banjo. He's the prefect of the peregrine. He is. He's an ambassador, isn't he? For voles, weasels. If it's small, furry, and you've considered the legality of shooting it... He'll be braced to leap in front of that projectile. I can't think of any American listeners.

I can't think of any American naturalists. Are there any? There must be, surely. Because we have a great tradition. We have going back to Nutkins, Bellamy. Maybe it's just something that we don't import. Maybe it's because we're so replete with them here. It's pretty much the only thing the UK doesn't need to import,

is naturalists. Because we do export a bit, don't we? We do. I feel like, though, in America, their version of it would be a documentary where it's like an image of a buffalo, and then it would just be like a really, really sort of slick voice-over rather than a guy in a gilet. So it'd be like,

The buffalo, the most majestic animal on the American plains. Yes, it's either that or it's... Grizzly, ice truck, slalom, road runner. We put three grizzlies behind the wheels of three juggernauts. Give them only four days. You've got to get to anchorage, kids. Welcome to We're Gonna Send That Raccoon To That Moon. It's Raccoon To The Moon Challenge.

Five. Whereas in Britain, there's much more. Hello and welcome. We've set up a small camera inside a box, and we can see some baby blue tits. Enjoy yourself. And we're going to list off... We're going to name over 50 British birds with suggestive names,

and we're not going to even smirk at any of them. We're going to mention the tit warbler, the fact dick. Kong shitter. The vickers chaff. Ten wibble c**ks. Dude, do they have them in America? Yeah, imagine there's a lot of jingoistic. Any of these bulls could become president of the United States.

Know what Britain's biggest and most dangerous animal is? A baby cucko spaniel. That's right, this bison could kick the s**t out of that cucko spaniel. And still have time to do all the paperwork involved in joining the either Democrat or the Republican Party and getting involved in some caucuses. And then obviously Australia has got the kind of... Obviously he's now dead, but the kind of Steve Owen side of things

where it's like resting in crocodile. They've had a strong tradition of it, yeah. And also everything they've got. They've got a jingo wonger, it's taking a wibble wabble, and it's got a chinkage on it. Everything's going to wing away. Must make sure not to get any closer, or otherwise it's going to...

It's not a bug that smarts. They always get horribly injured, but that's all part of the fun. They're like the equivalent of the sort of woodwork teacher at school who proudly displays how few fingers he has left. It's that kind of badges of honor. You can count the amount of fingers he's got left on one hand. He can count the amount of fingers he's got left on one hand. I think it sounded good the first time.

You're going to get yourself in a pickle. So Packham, you need to find Packham, who I believe lives in the New Forest. I feel like I've heard him talk about that in an interview before. Does he? Or maybe that's Mark Commode. So can you get to his house in an hour from where you are? Oh, I tell you where I could get to.

I'm going to be driving through the New Forest ladies today. I'll see if I can check them down for you. So help me out for... But this film isn't happening today, is it? Is this film happening today? It's not happening this afternoon. Is it set today then? It was set today, this would be helpful.

Henry, look at your chest. It's already begun. It's not Mike on the Zoom, it's a goblin. Those aren't my usual frankfurters strapped to my chest. It's dynamite sticks. What have you done with my frankfurters? Where are my chest furters? There is one, there is a naturalist.

That could get me to pack them. Because I think at any film then, especially one which let's face it, it's got fairly paper thin. Thematically, it's weak. This film isn't happening. Sorry, it hasn't got a lot going on. What you need to do is you need to break things into stages.

So rather than going straight to pack them, I need to find someone that can take me to pack them. And I've got a strong... I've got a decent chance that I could track down Bill Oddy within an hour of now. I won't say, but I know where he lives. And not literally, okay, I don't know which tree, but I know the area.

But I know the area. You can find the droppings easily enough, and then all you need to do is look up. Then listen out for his plaintive song. But watch out for his mating song. Uh-oh. Lewed content warning. And remember, he does have a barbed penis.

So if he starts kissing with you, that is you until the autumn. You're going to have to... That's just going to carry on. You're going to have to take him to events with you. He's going to be there. Don't you mean? Now we have to explain to people outside the UK

who Bill Oddy is. Imagine a mixture of Chris Packham, who we've talked about, the naturalist, and Michael Palin, I guess. Yeah. Comedy store was turned naturalist. Yes. Like imagine Eddie Murphy really got into bird-watching.

Because they had a similar edgy vibe, didn't they, back in the day? I think I'd feel a bit insulted for Michael Palin, so basically, Packham plus Palin equals Oddy. So I think that's pretty good. So your strategy is you find Oddy. Find Oddy, because I didn't have to find Packham. He can take me to Packham.

Now, if he's going to bring him to Packham nuts or something. Yeah, exactly. You have to find the thing to pay the... Because if you're looking at archetypes, not really looking at story archetypes then, if we're going to get the story to work. So what you need is, you need the call. So that's Mike.

That happens 20 minutes into a movie, as I understand it. So we're going to have to 20 minutes of me eating biscuits. And living my grey life. That's quite a hard slog, that. 20 minutes in, with the goblin appears in my bed, sets me the challenge. That's the call. That's the inciting incident.

That's the inciting incident. I'll refuse the call. I'll say no, and they'll say, come on, mate. Something along those lines. You do have some dynamite. Strap to your chest. And that game, then I'll get a good point.

Except for the call. Yeah. And then I have to find the wise man. That's Oddy. He operates as a threshold guardian. So he's perhaps going to throw a riddle your way. So you're going to either have to answer his riddle, or just give him some nuts.

One of the two. Yeah, exactly. Riddle or nuts. Riddle or nuts. But what he'll say is, But then what he'll normally do is, I'll have to get some sacred nuts. So they might be special nuts.

Because this is an urban setting, might be dry salted. Or ready dry salted. Honey roasted, honey salted. Chocolate covered cashews. You might give me a really difficult one. Like chocolate cashews. But from that brand, you only got to get on aeroplanes,

where the logo is a cashew with a monocle. But a jumbo bag. And you know, so there's actually a bag. I'm going to have to go to the headquarters of Richard Branson. I set off on the journey. He's attached to me now because he's got the barbed penis. I keep him on. He stays with me as a sort of advisor.

Yeah. So there's a nice odd couple vibe now. There's a really nice odd couple vibe. It's a kind of plain strange normal vehicles type vibe. Yeah. But just with a lot of very, very sort of ancient forests of the night. Fox screaming because of them. The mating's very, very painful for both of us.

So there'll be a lot of blood curdling screams. And of course the increasing discomfort from a litter of 40 oddie fetuses growing in your belly. But really heartwarming at the same time to look at their little transparent faces. And they're perfectly round mouths with the thousands of little teeth. And you're glowing on it. I have to say, you are glowing.

It's something to your skin. Oh, it really has. So yeah, track down the nuts, feed him the nuts. And he shows me how to get to Packham. 835. 835. Don't say 835 as I suspected initially. I mean, I could have like already could have bet my own bottom dollar.

It would have been the 835. Shouldn't have. But it doesn't matter there because the story's now motoring. There's been two songs. And the litter of transparent, semi-transparent oddie fetuses. They joined in as the sort of, don't know.

It's all Greek chorus. It's a sort of Greek chorus. Can I suggest when we actually get to Packham? It could be a kind of Wiz the Voss thing where it turns out that Packham isn't actually a real thing. It's like he's just a facade. He's just an idea. That's, I quite like that.

And who is behind the idea? Is it all of the, is the hive brain of all the woodland animals? Yes. They're their own lobbying group made flesh. It would make sense, wouldn't it? It's like a scarecrow puppet. And I think there should be a moment where, have they summoned me to destroy me?

I'm just, I'm just picturing a moment where it feels like I'm about to get destroyed. And then suddenly, okay. So I'm picturing Packham is, so he's just a conglomeration of wooden creatures, is he? Yeah. He's not, he's not a real person. But he's not, no, but this conglomeration, it turns out, has, even though they campaign for conservation,

they've been secretly assassinating slow worms to try and create anxiety about the environment. It's a sacrificial lamb. Ah, it's a false flag operation, essentially. That's good. So their motivation is actually, it's good, because it's good if your villain has quite a kind of understandable motivation. So like, actually, they're, you know, in a way that they've got the right idea, but they're doing it in the wrong way.

All I know is, at some point towards the end, I'm about to get destroyed by a horse with a machete. Bear in mind, you have got a bomb structure chest. They could just sort of tie you up and wait for that to happen. Okay, well, I've got that to deal with as well. You know what? I reckon the bomb's about to go off, Ben. And then suddenly, and then we just, we assume I'm dead.

That's it. And then suddenly there's a rumble and they say, what's happening? What's going on? He's birthing the oddies. He's birthing the oddies. Oh, the oddies ex machiner. The oddies ex machiner start streaming out of me and they also jump on the bomb and smother it. Well, we don't, I didn't even want to sacrifice the oddies.

Never. Is your character clever enough to perform the Frank Verter switcheroo at some point? So everyone thinks he's wearing the plastic, but actually. Actually, I've done a switcheroo. Actually, he's strapped the, he's strapped the plastic to. To Bill Aldi? To Bill Aldi. To Bill Aldi.

Really? Possibly? Possibly just. Just minding his own business, but. Sort of tee, tee-be-addled beaver. It does feel like the threads of this film are starting to fall apart a bit at the end. It's often at the end where the real challenges come then, but I think, I think we're, we're definitely making progress. First Bill wise, I think, I think we're looking rosy.

So guys, Mike, are you signed up to play the goblin? Yeah, I've got nothing else going on, mate. Great. Henry, are you willing to sign on as the main character? I think, you know, we're going to have to talk, we're going to have to talk money, we're going to have to talk rights. I want to do the thing that Alec Guinness did with Star Wars, which is, refuse a salary, but instead take a percentage of toys. Okay.

And I say, basically for everything I do now, I'm no mug, I'll take a percentage of toys, thanks. No, no, I won't take in advance for that illustration work. No, I won't, I won't take any money for that. Percentage of toys. I did that when I worked on Radio 4, the news quiz. And I'm still waiting for that to pay off. But percentage of toys, mate.

When those... When those Sandy Toxic toys come out. You're going to be absolutely laughing. Echo, I feel like we need to do some work on the end, but maybe listeners can suggest some ways that can go, because I think we've got... Yeah, if any script doctors are listening. I think the first two acts are very, very solid. Let's turn on the bean machine.

Yes, please. This week's topic, as randomly selected by the bean machine, was sent in by... Surely not. It's not another needle. Philip Kerrigan of Kerrigan's Mustard. Oh, fantastic. It's Kerrigan's time, it's Kerrigan's time.

Bring me the Kerrigans, bring me the Kerrigans. It's Kerrigan's time. Philip, basically, I want to affirm it is totally random, but I think Philip Kerrigan has just sent in a lot of them, so there's quite a lot of Philip Kerrigan's in there. And it's not just that we've got two listeners, is it Neil and Philip Kerrigan? Right, so we've had a topic sent in by Philip Kerrigan of Kerrigan's Mustard. And it is.

Dentists. Okay, this is a bit crazy. My dad doesn't take anaesthetic when he goes to the dentist. Nor do I, because they're just looking at it and going, one, fine, two. Because I need it just to go in. Are you getting fully anaesthetic every time you go in? I go full general.

I go full general, waiting me up the next day. He just wants to remain sharp and alert at all times. My dad does fillings without anaesthetics. Yeah, I think that's what I'm saying about my dad. I think it's, maybe it must be a generational thing. It's to do with, you're better off, essentially, Michael know this. Oh yeah. The pain is essentially, it's the body's internet, isn't it?

It's a way that your body informs you about what's going on at different places. It's not, so it's not real, it's horrible, but essentially it's just an information system, isn't it? It's like Firefox. Yes, this is like, are you aware of David Foster Wallace? Yes. He wrote a really good article about lobsters and whether they feel pain or not. Oh, right.

And he went to the main lobster festival, where there's like people just eating lobsters everywhere. Okay. And some new scientists have come out that were saying that maybe lobsters did feel pain, I think, but previous to that, people, or no, they proved that they do feel pain or they do have a pain system, but they don't necessarily associate pain with distress. So pain for them might just be like a light on a dashboard coming on,

going, your left leg's fallen off. Yeah, you probably need to move. Problem in right pin, sir. Problem in right pin, sir. So for your dad, he's got a very similar sort of take on pain, which is like, it's not like a lobster mindset. Yeah.

French man with a small net approaching. French man with a small net approaching. Delicious garlic, does smell good, but it's bad news overall. Bad news overall, does smell delicious though, but bad news. There's also another theory about lobsters, which is big online at the moment. Do you know this? Go on. No.

Oh, is it they don't die? Is this their immortal? No, that's not a theory. That's true. Lobsters are immortal unless they get hit. Unless they're eaten by a Frenchman. Unless they get decapitated by another lobster with a sword. Are they just really, really hapless?

That's why they always end up dying. I think the idea is that without any external things going on, if you just put it in a tank and left it, it would live forever, because they never get ill. There's no lobster illness you can get. So there's no lobster old age? No. But then that is like, that's like a fairy tale, isn't it?

Or like one of those old horror stories where it's like, you meet an ancient old, well, just an old lady on a train. And she's like, you can have one. Take this crab's foot. Kiss it in the morning, and you will live forever. And you go, oh, brilliant. Kiss it in the morning. You look in the mirror and like, oh, I'm a fucking lobster.

Oh, Christ. Oh, the crab's foot was a clue. I shouldn't have stopped accepting these. Because it's like, okay, you don't get ill, but you're already completely fucked. You're a lobster. You're disgusting. You know what I mean?

You can't even reach the cash machine to get money out. You can't get money out. Are you saying that being a lobster isn't all this, basically? You've accidentally snipped through all of your cards and you want it? This way. If I crawled into my GPs with, you know, next week as a lobster. Your GP would immediately, there was nothing wrong with you and you're going to live forever.

Yeah. Send you packing. Clean bit of health. And she'd actually say, you know what? You can even delete the NHS app from your phone. I'm that confident you're going to live forever. And I'd be like, just don't go to Maine, whatever you do.

Sorry. So what's your lobster fact? There's a fact about lobster going around or a theory, which is that lobster doesn't taste nice. I saw this. Yeah, I saw this. Yeah. It's only a luxury food because of scarcity, which actually ties in with what we talked about recently too with magpies.

Which do taste terrific. And why Ben enjoys eating magpies? Why magpie is such a sought after romantic. Quite a romantic snack, isn't it? Or think to eat on a date. I read that as well. It was interesting because it was that lobsters aren't necessarily scarce, but they don't keep very well.

They don't transport them very easily. So if you're in the middle of America and know any of the coasts, to have a lobster is quite scarce. So yeah, if you're an internal American, it was seen as very posh. And then now we think of it as posh. And that's why, by the same token, Ben picture a grossly old sort of ox, maybe like an ox kidney, a sort of slightly rancid ox kidney with a big footprint in it. Right.

So not appetizing, but now imagine it at the top of a very, very high staircase with a series of challenges on the staircase. So some of the old gladiators are there with big foams, big bits of foam on the end of sticks. They're going to knock you off the staircase. A lot of the staircase is slick, slick with oil. And there's various gun turrets and stuff aimed at the staircase. Now, how do you feel about that, that ox kidney?

Try and keep me away from it because I want that. You want it, don't you? You just try and stop. Yeah. You try and stop me wolf from gladiator or whatever, isn't it? Because you're going to get up there. Because when something's harder to acquire, it's more attractive, isn't it? Yeah.

I've only eaten a lobster once at a wedding in Boston. And it's not very nice, but the experience is good fun. Because you have to wear a bib. You get given a sort of cracking device, which is quite good fun. A little tool set. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. All the accoutrements.

Yeah. It's quite good fun, isn't it? You're given a copy of the Financial Times, aren't you? And a warrant for your arrest for financial crimes. All that stuff adds to it, doesn't it? How do you feel about a small bowl with some water in it and a bit of lemon when that's produced? I don't like the way that somebody would inevitably make a joke about drinking it.

That puts it down on my entire day. Mental note, Henry, don't crack that joke just now like you were going to. Some cold lemon soup. Thanks very much. You don't like that joke? I'm going home. The lobster, the word and just the image of it has become a complete shorthand for massive wealth, hasn't it?

And luxury and just the pinnacle of... Whereas actually it is just a really, really gross. Big sea woodlouse, basically. Have you ever had a lobster, Mike? I've had lobster, yeah. A couple of times. Of course you have. Come on, Mike.

Yeah, come on. I didn't think I disliked the taste either. I think I quite... You went for it. Maybe perhaps I just thought I should like it. Though I tricked myself that I did like it. I don't know. How do lobsters relate to crabs, do you think?

Is there a... I can't see them getting on, personally. No, no. It's a good point, though, Henry. Like, are they related? Like, I mean, arguably they've got an awful lot in common. But is it a bit like when someone introduces you to someone and they go, you're going to love Rob?

Yes. That's exactly what it's like. You're so similar. You're really going to get on. And then you meet him. He's Mike Pies as well. That is so true. You're going to love Rob.

That's what lobsters are to crabs. They're Rob. And actually they end up sitting in the corner of a rock pool together with nothing to say. Both seething. And Rob going, yeah, we've both got pincers, but completely different types of pincers. Oh, God. Unbelievable.

I've actually got quite a lot of meat in me compared to them. Unbelievable. And where are you keeping your eyeballs in? Oh, I suppose your eyeballs are sort of dangling off. Yeah, forget that, forget that. But with me, you can quite easily take all the meat out, dress it a bit and then put it back into my carapace. You can use me as a plate.

Yeah, yeah. He's barely got a carapace. Nice, Anthony. You know, the irony is, I've made the effort to come out, so now I'm talking to someone who's a bit like, I'd much rather actually just be talking to some scallops. Well, you know what I mean? If I can see the scallops over from everywhere,

they're having a really good time. I'm stuck with this absolutely fucking tedious crab. Here's my take. Hot take? I think bad teeth, or not even bad teeth, just natural teeth. Are in a world of straight teeth in Hollywood, etc. Quite sexy. Really?

Bad teeth, are? Yeah. Not bad, but just like normal. What, teeth with character? You like a bit of, a little bit of rainbow, the odd blotch of brown. No, not necessarily that. That's a slightly yellowing snaggletooth.

One of them is slightly swinging in the breeze. This could give way any second. One that you can push through. It's actually a windblown through it. One that you can push through, it's actually a false tooth, which hides a little area where a priest would have hidden. Yeah. One that's just grown in the wrong place,

like in the middle of their cheek or their tongue. One that actually goes back all the way. So it actually goes back all the way to the back of the mouth. One that protrudes a full nine inches out of their gob entirely. It could be to keep receipts or toast marshmallows. I think what it is, is if you watch old films, there are people in those films that are meant to be sexy. That's why they're in it, right?

Yeah. Leading men, leading ladies. Nigel Havers. Nigel Havers, great example. With normal teeth, and I think they are somehow more attractive than the sort of completely- Well, there's a kind of- Regimented.

There's a straightness to, because the ideal American teeth, as far as I can tell, there's a kind of straightness and a kind of- They're all perfect squares in a row. Whereas you can get nice teeth, which have a bit of character, your European teeth, where, yeah, maybe you can stick a Mars bar through the gap in between the two main front ones. But maybe that's a fun way to eat a Mars bar sometimes.

You just shove it straight in, swallow it. You sort of like- You need a bit of help. But you need a bit of help. You need several glasses of water, and it could be a party trick. Because sometimes, yeah, because teeth can still have character, but be clean and nice-looking, rather than having to be all regimented.

But this feels like we're apologists for just gross teeth, doesn't it still? Could be. It's not gross though, it's just natural teeth. Okay. But how far do you push that natural? What if it's natural for them to be slightly rancid and falling out?

I think my level is 70s TV star. Okay. That's what I want people's teeth to look like. So, David Jason. Like, in America, if I was to go to LA, set up a bunch of meetings, which I could do, like that. Meetings with who though? Series of dentists.

Waiters, dentists. The administrative official of the Forklift Truck Training Facility. What are we on about? You going to LA and get some meetings, I can't have them away. So, if I had lunch meetings in LA, obviously the reason they do lunch meetings and breakfast meetings is they can see your teeth, isn't it? That's why they do that over a meal.

That's well known. Since I started speaking. Yeah, so as soon as you start speaking, I think one of the execs picks up his phone and he's very obviously talking to a horse dentist. And he's fucking doing it. And he's asking if you wouldn't mind biting into some putty so he can get an impression.

Yeah. He's going to courier that down. Ass up. Henry, do you mind just eating this raw, this large raw carrot in front of us? You could do the lines from the film in a minute, but first of all, you just eat this carrot in front of us. He's eating it too fast.

He's mainly a horse. Pull out. But I still think my front one here, if I take my head up, it's actually trying to get on top of the one on the right. I think it probably rules you out of kind of leading man roles. The sort of thing that maybe the Rock Johnson would be playing. Okay.

But I think you could certainly play a sort of syphilitic medieval peasant. Man with hat. Possibly. I'll take that and I'll raise you to syphilitic leading man with hat. Yeah. Okay, time to read your emails.

Instead of playing the normal email jingle, we've had one sent in by Mike. Different Mike, of course. Very good. Thank goodness. Here are his dear beings. The story of Ben watching the apprentice with the skeleton of a magnum stuck to his chest

inspired me to create this remix of the email jingle. And now it is an Alan Sugar remix. For those not versed in British public life, Alan Sugar is our Donald Trump. Not really, but sort of. He's the millionaire in charge of the apprentice. Basically, if you want to get an idea of who he is, look at your desk, look in your pocket.

Look at the brand name on the laptop. You're listening to this through. Look at TV, look at your kettle. Look at your tumble dryer, your whisk. And it will have the words Amstrad on it. No doubt this email was sent in using the Amstrad emailer. That's right. He is the living, breathing, beating heart of the tech industry,

isn't he? He is. Imagine the information superhighway and then imagine a steam train on it. Derailed into a ditch on a dirt track. But it's being filmed for a pretty high rating BBC One. A repeatable format. So hopefully that's clear.

Let's have the jingle, shall we? When you send an email, you must give thanks to the postmasters that came before. Good morning, postmaster. Anything for me? Just some old shit. When you send an email, that represents progress like a robot shoving a horse.

My beautiful, bloody horse. That must have taken literally hundreds of man hours, right? How much does Alan Sugar charge to do voice? To do voice? No idea he was doing voiceover work. He's got a slightly awkward delivery, hasn't he? It's not entirely smooth, but obviously, you know, it's not his profession.

Well, thank you, Mike. That was brilliant. That was so good. God, yeah, how does that work sifting through the apprentice? To find him saying the words horse. I suppose there was that horse challenge, wasn't it, when the two teams both had to buy the biggest horse. They would have gone to that one, wouldn't they?

So thank you for that. Right, your emails. Now, we've had lots of emails about pirates, which is fun. We talked about pirates. This one's from Richard, from Bremen. In your pirate episode, you questioned why they went to the lengths of making rule breakers walk the plank as a punishment, rather than just pushing them overboard.

I'm afraid I must bollock you on this point. I don't think that's not fair. We merely asked the question. God, let's hear him out there. Well, hear the man out then. I'm afraid I must bollock you on this point, because there was an important legal reason behind it. According to Admiralty Law at the time,

you could not be charged with murder if the recently deceased had merely fallen due to clemsiness whilst blindfolded. Very much like the modern day when your elder siblings hide behind the why are you hitting yourself, why are you hitting yourself defects? Yes, it's paper thin, isn't it? So what that I remember this now, because what they used to do is they used to pretend they'd just been playing a game of pin the tail on the crab. Where the guy was on a blindfold and he'd obviously walk into the sea

and stick it onto a crab. But they're saying so they would say. So you might win the game during. You might still win the game, but. You lose the game of life. You lose the game, yeah, because you've got a cannon strapped to your ankle. Yeah. So that is interesting, isn't it?

However, sorry, I'm not accepting that as a bollock. I do not want to live in a world where someone asks a question. I don't feel bollocks. I don't think he was a bollocking. I think he's going to have to auto-bollock himself. I think he's just made quite an interesting point. He said it as an interesting email, Richard. We can't have a situation where the answer to a question is a bollocking.

I mean, how's that going to... Would you like fries with that, sir? Bollock back. You know what I mean? We can't be in a situation where just answering a question is... So I think this is filed in the bollock back. We are bollocking you, Richard, for imagining that you could bollock us for asking a question.

And thanking you at the same time for your email. Oh yeah, thanks for the interesting info for sure. And for the excellent contribution to the content. But do also feel the wrath of our bollock back at the same time, isn't it? It is. That reminds me of a thing I heard once about some smugglers killed someone. And the way they did it was they got the gun and they attached, or the musket,

whatever, and attached the trigger to loads and loads of strip pieces of string and they all pulled it together. So that obviously backfired because it meant they were all then accused of murder and then... And all went to prison. Basically the entire prison gang got hanged and jibbered. No, but there's some story about that, that sort of trying to evade... Sometimes one of your mates, they tell you an idea confidently.

It feels like a good idea at the time. It didn't quite make sense, but it somehow made sense. But it didn't make sense and... That's how these things get out of control, don't they? Okay, this is from Carl, who we know. Oh, that's Carl. Carl from Barry. Carl the painter.

Hello, Beans. This is not a bollocking. Strong stars. Okay, it's funny you say that, but my bollock hackles are raised instantly. So if it really wasn't a bockling, why is he saying it isn't a bollocking? Yeah. Get thee to a bollockery. I mean, if me think the bollocker's too much, etc.

He writes brackets. Hearing Henry's meek acceptance of what I sent before was a lot to bear and I couldn't go through that again. Did I meekly accept a bollocking often once? Well, he told you not to call Leonardo da Vinci... Leonardo da Vinci because... No, not to call Leonardo da Vinci da Vinci because it's not his name, it's where he's from.

This is bearing all the hallmarks of a bollock so far. Because that would be like calling Mike from Portsmouth. Exactly. Yeah. Well, he writes, this is a respectful, multi but could be wrong rebuttal slash counterclaim. Okay. A bollock by any other name. Would smell as sweet.

Yeah, yeah. Growing up in Tavistock, West Devon, my primary school was about 100 yards from a great bronze statue of the town's hero, Sir Francis Drake. Everyone who ever went to that school is an expert on Drake and could confidently tell you that he is famous for precisely three things. One, circumnavigating the globe on a ship called the Golden Hind, named after a kind of deer. Two, saving England by defeating the Spanish Armada brackets

after first coolly finishing his game of bowls on Plymouth Ho. And three, looking absolutely terrific in tights. He did not, however, introduce the potatoes of Britain. That was Sir Walter Raleigh bracket or the poor man's Drake, as we call him. Sir Francis brought back the coconut which he gave to Queen Elizabeth and she liked it much more than Raleigh's potato. Is that to me, this? It wasn't me that said about the potato, was it?

It sounds like it was. I reckon it was Ben. I think it might be me, but I certainly didn't query it at the time. Either way, I'm washing my hands of it. Yeah. But, Henry, this rebuttal slash counterclaim has been very much put in your direction. So is it rebuttal slash counterclaim accepted,

or is it reflector rebuttal slash counterclaim? The problem we've got here is that there's no way I'll ever be bothered to check whether or not this is true, what he said, you know what I mean? Yeah. We've had a few emails actually that pointed out that he didn't bring back the potato. That was, well, Walter Raleigh. I'm quite interested in the fact that Drake brought back the coconut because, let's face it, and I can't believe Elizabeth preferred the coconut,

that is quite a rubbish thing to bring back, isn't it? Do you reckon? Because it's like, the basis of the bounty. Oh, this could be a, this could form the centerpiece of some desserts and chocolate snacks which really, really divide people. It's the beginnings of Brexit, isn't it? It's never one of those things that everyone gets behind. Is it a coconut dessert?

It's always like... Yeah, but before he brought the coconuts to Elizabeth, she was having really shit, Thai green curries. They just weren't working. They just weren't working. With that gravy base. There's nothing to lighten it up. Nothing to lift it.

Biking accepted. Douglas emails, dear beans, I hugely enjoyed your recent episode on pirates. Pirates are a delicate topic for me as a mariner because the idea of my ship being hijacked by modern pirates scares the shit out of me. Fair play. Fair play.

Yeah. But thanks to your lukewarm mockery of the history of the profession, I feel bolstered to laugh at them and shall undermine their authority by playing the episode to any pirate who stumbles aboard my ship. Armed to the teeth. I shall be joining my next ship on the 10th of April,

armed with a hard drive full of soybean salad and a heap of misplaced confidence. He also writes, this invaluable take on pirates doesn't excuse Henry's bullshit list of London pests as being... Why am I getting such a bad time today? All I do is try and have a nice chat and...

Yeah, it sounds like some people think you're talking heap of shit. This is really starting to feel like a bit of a witch hunt. But come on. So we had a problem. You gave a list of Britain's Big Five. Yeah. Which I can't remember exactly,

but I think he puts... Weasel, Badger, Rat, Otter, Surrounded Lloyd Webber. Yeah, exactly. Here we go. Well, he says, we're not on large ships. I skipper a marine tourism boat, and I would like to offer my own contenders

for the British Big Five. Sea Eagle, Red Deer, Orca, Graciel, Dutch Tourist. Yours vagantly douglas from the outer sky. That's a great list. That does sound quite good. Red Deer, though, in the sea. In the sea, is he saying?

I think any of them can be in the sea or on land. You can see them from the sea, maybe. They're all fully amphibious, I believe, that lot. Yeah. I'm also assuming, Douglas, you're the skipper of a marine tourism boat. Pompidou discount, I imagine. 15% off anyone going on that kind of wildlife sea-born safari,

I would imagine. Thanks, Douglas. And also, amphibious tours of, where's he live again? Out of the sky. Out of the sky. Can I say I'm about to do a joke here, which is definitely going to be terrible, but I've committed to it.

Okay. I respect that. Amphibious tours of the out of the sky are much like figurines for semi-erotic French figurines, ceramic figurines of sort of erotic ladies. That you might buy it by. And that they're always best when they've got a glass bottom. Just tell me it doesn't even make any sense.

It's not a joke. But I mentally committed to it, so I had to go through it. I think maybe, Henry, it might be a good idea for you to take a period of leave from the podcast. Do you think pending the results of an inquiry? Because if there had been any, if there was any doubt that I was failing and really struggling for my podcast life, I think the glass bottom joke really

really got rid of any lingering doubts about that, that I am very much a podcaster in crisis right now. Quickly though, what was the question from that guy? He didn't have a question. He just wanted to express that he didn't like your list of top, the big five British animals he felt he had. But he was buoyed up. He feels, you know, buoyed.

He feels buoyed up. He's buoyed up. To confront Somalian pirates that might attack him in the Norwegian fjords or wherever he's going. It's time to pay the ferryman. A big thank you to everyone who signed up on our Patreon. Yes, thank you very much. Thank you very much.

Patreon.com forward slash three beans salad. And what do you get? You get ad free episodes. You get monthly bonus episodes. We actually put up two bonus episodes last month because we had so much stuff. And basically we just record more than we end up using in these episodes and they go out in the bonus episode.

Have a look on there. There's different tiers. If you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out in the Sean Bean lounge where Mike was last night. Sure was. Yeah, decent one last night. Because of course it was the...

Was it the flaming marine safari? It was. Thank you, Ben. And here's my report. A fully flooded Sean Bean lounge greeted the Sean Bean loungers this week who replete with aqua lungs, waterproof spotters guides and just in case harpoons were ready to enjoy Sean Bean's flaming marine safari.

Charlie Hunt got lucky early spotting Andrew Schmidt riding a manatee through a wet ring of fire. Keira impressively picked up the trail of a sparkler wielding sea otter and Johnny Clooney claimed to have seen a giant squid blowing smoke rings. Kim Parsons and Ashley Bradbury couldn't agree on the best way to coax out a flaming hammerhead

and needed Debbie Coppell to mediate chum style. A dose of committee thinking later and the three of them accidentally coaxed out Stephen Gover from a flaming kelp Airbnb he'd been hibernating in since June 2019. Brittany attempted to document the still groggy Stephen on a Polaroid but this riled the creature who took it out on Jamie Goff and Richard Bourne

by disassembling then reassembling them into what with the eye of faith looked for all the world like a family of hot haddock on a Catherine wheel. Sarah Weston and Christine Morgan took selfies with a magnesium-flamed barracuda and overly focused on the task in hand backed into Jodie Fraser Shaw's non-flaming personal pet mackerel

setting its dorsal fin on fire. This was taken incorrectly by Emily Church as the signal to launch the Sean Bean underwater safari hot air balloon in the basket of which Laura Kovnicki was taking five for being snippy with a sea cucumber. The balloon rose directly into the humped belly of a humped back whale knocking its tea lights off

and into salmon Chloe Baldrecki's collection of antique non-corodable anti-poacher flameball trebuchets. A volley of fiery cannonballs was loosed and mistaken for self-igniting trout by Hazel Bond who rented them in oils and submitted the painting to unorthodox underscore investigators flaming safari watercolours challenge. Hazel was awarded a special commendation

which was withdrawn for painting in portrait-not-landscape by adjudicator Jim O'Brien who himself was sanctioned for incorrect reason given for a painting competition sanction. O'Brien left in tears in the talons of a cormorant who dived in for a sardine but accidentally snagged Andrew just to the point he was about to warn Ivan of an approaching bottle rocket dolphin.

Ivan was knocked into Oscar Gaynor's 24-foot underwater safari telescope which rolled onto Mariska Beekman's buoyancy compensator causing Mariska to sink into BGB's petroleum jelly-lined ferro rod which sparked off the gas-powered padlock on James Booth's flaming piranha zoo leading to a catastrophic flaming piranha stampede which brought the evening to a haunting close.

Thanks all. Okay, that's the podcast we're going to play out with the version of our theme tune sent in by Mary Ellen. Thank you, Mary Ellen. Thanks, Mary Ellen. They live on a small island off the west coast of Canada. And right, I loved the French version of the email theme from last week's show

and it also made me feel weirdly competitive. So despite not knowing Portuguese, I have attempted a Brazilian version of the main podcast theme. Brilliant. Wow. Nice. Quite an odd choice but let's see how that shakes out.

Lovely. Thank you, Mary Ellen. Brilliant. Yeah, and thank you all for listening. Yes, thank you. See you next time. Bye. Thank you very much.

Goodbye. Take care. you