Three Bean Salad - Dogs

Episode Date: January 4, 2023

Rebecca Abrey’s son (of Bremen) has Rebecca Abrey get us to talk about dogs and by golly heck but don’t we just do that. The lukewarm, canine banter is appropriately seasoned with paprika, subaquatic telepathy and a hot take on the cultural event of the millennium.Tickets for Mike Wozniak's tour can be found here: https://littlewander.co.uk/show/mike-wozniak-zusa/Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladGet in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

Do you know what I found out today? No, yes, please. Let's hear it. Do tell. That when a Pope dies, as we've recently seen this week, may God have mercy on his potentially morally compromised soul. Yeah, it's going to be because if you go straight to hell, it's not supposed to happen that way around. That's a sitcom, isn't it? Pope in hell.

I don't believe it. Surely for the pope, you get dispensation like whatever you do, you just get into heaven. Surely you think I did unless you've unless you've pulled through the secrets and the Vatican vaults, there's some ugly stuff there, isn't there? Have we just, by the way, alienated potentially one billion people in the world? We need that billion. Because that's our goal for 2023, isn't it? Put on a billion listeners.

We've got to aim big. We've said this, haven't we? We've got to dare to dream. Because if you can snare all Catholics in one, they're very faithful once they're on board. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, so we need a more Catholic vibe to the podcast. Definitely this episode for sure. And that's why we've decided, haven't we, that we've

as a pope, as we believe, don't we, in the transubstantiation of the beans, don't we? When you listen to the podcast, we turn into human flesh, is that what you're saying? When you're listening to us, it's not waveforms representing us, is it? It's actually us. That's right. Well, yeah, I certainly don't want to alienate our Catholics. I've got no problem with Catholics or anything. Of course not.

Any world religion. No, you just happened to have stumbled across a great idea for a sitcom. Exactly. Yeah. What's this fact? You've had a fact. Is it a Vatican type fact? But it's a Vata fact, yes.

So. Love a Vata fact. You know how when a pope becomes the pope, one of the cardinals has to put his hand up his skirt and feel his balls? To check he hasn't got any? Or to check he has two? Or to check he hasn't... I think this is true.

To check he's a man, because they... To check that they have the hot glow of God roaring through them. The hot orbs. Is that true, Ben? I think no. This isn't the fact I was bringing to you. Is it the Swiss ball? The Swiss ball juggler?

Or the Swiss ball... The Swiss ball conspiracy. The Swiss ball conspiracy. Is that all the Swiss guards are guarding as it turns out? The hot bollocks of the pope. Just a hot bollock. That's why he wears that big sort of cape-like dress thing. There's two Swiss guards in there all the time.

Dan Brown's in there most of the time doing research. It's a one-on-one guard system, isn't it? So, I think the Catholic Church is so sure that it doesn't want women involved that they check that the pope's got balls, I think. It might also involve a special chair with a little sort of bollock hole that you don't go them through. Because they fell fan of it once, right? Is that correct?

Or is that a myth? Pope Susan of Arimathea. Hasn't there been one pope who it turned out was a... Was female? Isn't that the Disney film Mulan? Possibly. Can you look that up? Because there's not been a woman pope, surely?

Here we go. Pope Joan. Pope Joan, 855 to 857. Two years! Although the word legend has appeared quite early on in this thing. I'm reading... Right, I'm going to close that. It's too distracting.

I don't know. Probably not. Either way. But there was a Pope Joan. This feels like exactly the kind of thing where somewhere there's going to be a history of religion PhD who can clear this up for us. Yeah, please do email in if you have any information about Pope Joan. Or if you are yourself, Pope Joan.

Apparently, the way that you check is with these things, isn't it? Certainly what I always do is I check... If you want to check on the papal facts, you just check whether or not it turns up in Martin of Aparva's Chronicon Pontificum A Imperatorum, isn't it? Rich. So I could leave through that now if you want. I've normally got it next to the bed, hang on. That's why it's so important to make sure your Latin doesn't get too rusty, isn't it, Henry?

Exactly. Exactly. You need to look something up in a hurry. Anyway, so I think that might be a fact. Someone can tell us if that's a fact or not. I like it. But in that vein, there's a fact I found out today which I think I've just looked up and it says that nobody knows if this is true or not.

I've gone on Snopes. You wear Snopes? No. No. Snopes is a website that verifies or non-verifies kind of urban myths. And it says that it can't tell us because the Vatican... Who verifies Snopes? Good question.

Yeah, good question. And generally, it's the Vatican, isn't it? You dig deep enough. You dig deep enough, you hit the Vatican. Let's face it. Anyway, the fact I found out that might not be true is that when a pope dies, I don't know if this will be the case with the pope that's just died because he's not really the pope anymore, is he?

Pope Emeritus. Is that what it's called? Late Pope Emeritus. There's a little silver hammer and they knock the pope on the forehead with the hammer to make sure he's dead. Now, can I say, I also learned this fact today. Okay, good. Did you?

I learned the same fact today. Why didn't I learn this fact? I believe it. Do you mean just now when Ben said it? Yeah, I've also... I happen to have learned it as well coincidentally in the last 10 seconds. Now, I learned it this morning as well, just flicking through, I think it was on Twitter or something, somewhere.

At some point in the last 12 hours or so. This is brilliant. But I saw a photo of a hammer which went with it. Did you see that? No. I said, my one had a photo of a hammer attached to it. Which is a very old name. B&Q 699.

It was absolute papal edition. It was that times papacy. It was. It was extraordinary. It was covered in the usual papal twiddles, your papal sort of Rococo papal sort of detail, lots of sort of decoration. It was extraordinary looking hammer. A small town could live well off the proceeds of that hammer for a year kind of hammer.

Yeah. 100%. Okay. Yeah. A hammer that if that was in your family, Mike, that hammer, it would be all you ever talked about. Your stage day would be Dr. Hammer or something like that. Mike the hammer wasn't it?

Mike the hammer wasn't it? We literally, all your kids talked about school first day of new school. But yeah, we've got this hammer in our family. It's incredible. And the children would learn to polish the hammer before they learn to read or anything else. That's right. They would never need to learn to read. No.

There'd be no point. Because they're the custodians of the hammer. Yeah. And you would say to them, children, we just any problem in life, remember, you just hammer your way through it. That's all you do. And presumably it's almost important that they don't learn to read. So they don't get distracted by the lies of the outside society and be sullied by snopes.com.

Snopes, exactly. And that they just stay true to the path of the hammer. Exactly. And what you would do is also train them to talk to talk of other human beings as nails. Yeah. Or tax if they're being dismissive. Exactly. Nails or tax.

And the whole world would just be, what's the hammer? That's the saying, isn't it? When you're holding a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. Is that right? Otherwise, there was no family motto. Yeah. I saw a picture of a hammer and it's a... But I tell you what, Ben, I didn't have, was any sense of scale.

Oh. Because you said it's tiny. But I looked at it and I thought, you said it looked like it was massive. Because it doesn't need to be big, does it? But equally, if you are confirming death, then a great big kind of war hammer would definitely do the job, wouldn't it? Well, it would both confirm it. And yeah, well, the answer would always be yes, he's dead. Exactly, yeah.

Whether or not he was before the test started. Yeah, you'd get the result you needed. Yeah, because I assume it's a little tap to make sure they don't wake up and go, oh, then you know they're alive. But surely if they're in a condition where they could be working up by the tap of a hammer, you wouldn't... Well, a gentle rub on a shoulder would probably do the job, wouldn't it? Exactly, yeah.

Possibly worth trying first. You know, flick the today program on. That's normally a good sign, isn't it? Just give them a minute. Cup of tea on the bedside table. You know, the way a good way of sort of, I think, aging you as a person in a way is like, who is your pope? So for me, my pope, when I think of pope...

Jumple the second. It's always Jumple the second. He's the pelle of popes. He's the pelle. He was also much loved by my, yeah, by my sort of elderly Polish relatives. Oh, of course, yes. Top drawer, absolutely top drawer pope, as far as they were concerned. World-class pope.

Yeah, of course, he would be. And also still the only pope to actually do a bicycle kick live on TV while being filmed during the Easter address. Well, he was the first pope to play in a World Cup final in colour, wasn't he? That's right. That's right. And people say, you know, it's not fair. He had the pope mobile.

He was untacklable. He literally had the hand of God. People say that... And he had that ornate hammer as well, which people... Yeah, the ornate hammer, which he used to... Well, that's where the phrase hammering through the midfield comes from. You're waving around a bejeweled hammer with a sharp back end.

Surprising. Yeah. But they didn't need nails. They didn't need hammers to check whether that midfield were actually physically dead or not after that game, did they? Because he'd absolutely pulverised them, hadn't they? No, but yeah, he's my go-to pope in my mind. I actually... I went to a Catholic school.

Did you? But yeah, for a chunk. And, but I... It explains so much. Your pious glow. My pious glow. My stigmata, my bleeding wrists. I literally cannot...

Nothing will stop these. I've had plumbers stop saying no, and I'll be like, you cannot stop them. Oh, I think you're going to need whole new wrists, mate. Who did these? Who did these? Romans? Yeah. Thought so.

I tell you what, I do feel sorry for my GP though, because it's like, oh, he's back again with this bloody stick. Well, as I walk in, bloody stigmata again, honestly, this guy. Bleeding all over the carpet. To take some bloody paracetamol, Henry. I've tried ramming paracetamol down them. Just to block it up. Your annual wadding budget is huge, isn't it?

The amount of wadding. No, but if anyone just wants a little quick home cure, it's actually what I find is about two or three lengths of electrical cable. Tight as you can, then ski gloves. Yeah. Bless the ski gloves. If you can get bless ski gloves online, a lot of them, they say they've been blessed, but they've actually been cursed.

And you do not want that, that is. And the only way you tell is too late, because you've already got the hammer in your hand. And that's right. You start self-hammering. You start self-hammering, and then you will not stop until your head looks like an absolutely, well, just a. Like a no cheese pizza.

Yeah. Your head looks as regrettable as an no cheese pizza. Yeah. Yeah. And you'll feel that the rest of your life is as big a missed opportunity as ordering a no cheese pizza is. Right. Long live the Pope.

And now that we've got that out of the way, Michael, is it time for your big plug? Yes, thank you. Yeah, cheers, man. Well, the tour finally begins. It's been a long, old lead-up, you know. Henry, just so you know, this isn't a free-beam salad tour. No.

Henry. No. No. Mike's decided to go on. He's dumped both of us. Just to be clear what's happened here. I'm going solo. This is the solo album.

This is him going solo. This is my Harry Styles moment. Well, it didn't turn out well for him. Actually, it did, didn't it? It did. Yeah, it went all right. That's the plan. It could be the way of Styles.

And hopefully, it won't be the way of Barlow. Ooh. Ridgely. Uh-oh. Could be. But it starts. It starts, well, in terms of when this episode goes out today, officially. Ooh.

Does it? Yeah. Wednesday, the 4th of January, 2023. Holy mackerel. And there are some, the old ticket here and there. So come along if you fancy it. Ben, I know it's coming when I get a card because I asked you if you fancy tickets. And he replied immediately and said, yes, please.

Henry, you've not replied to my email yet. That is true. Well, that isn't, that's literally a lie. I'm coming, mate. Yeah. And so get, get, get heck already, Mike. Uh-oh. Mike, Mike, I am, you know I'm coming, don't you?

I know you're coming, Henry. Come on, mate. Yeah. I know you're coming. I've got some coming. Mike, where, you're going all over the UK. Yeah. Where is it?

Island a bit as well. And Island a bit, okay. Um, where, Mike, does it turn out that this plug might be the most needed? Uh, cardigan. So far. So far, but I respect that actually. I'm, because I'm not going to cardigan for quite a while. And, uh-

Come on, cardiganers. And I quite like that they're, they're taking their time and they're saying, well, I'm not, I'm not going to book now. It's months away, you know, chill out, get over yourself, get back in your box. Because they're still thinking they might, they may be like, um, a large sea mammal might get beached or something better might happen that night. It's going to be a massive, amazing warress. They're still holding out.

It's going to be talking about. It could be a warress. Or even like, um, a big enough dead sea gull, I think, would probably be, could be like something. Oh yeah, something that's a real, that's a proper bit of chat fuel. Rather than a proper bit of chat. Exactly. Like, God, do you remember the size of that sea gull?

No, I was watching Mike Wozniak's show and I've regretted it for the rest of my life because I can never take part in a big dead sea gull chat. That now define this part of the coast. Yeah, so I respect those guys. Yeah. Get yourselves down there, Cardigan. Let's come on. They'll, they'll come.

I think, I think they'll come. They've got old souls in Cardigan. But, um, tell, you're going to tell us your different dates and dates, where you're doing it and stuff. It's all over. So it's between, yeah, 4th of Jan towards the end of May. It's all over. It's on littlewonder.com.co.uk.

That's what you want to go to. That's the, that's the way the website is. Or the pinned tweet at the top of the old Twitter ding dong. And there's, yeah, there's, there's tickets here and there. So, you know, come, come along. Come along if you want to hear one of the beans droning solidly into a microphone for ladies to 90 minutes, you know. It's not everyone's cup of tea.

No, but neither is tea even. Do you know what I mean? Ah, that's what I always say. You can't be everyone's cup of tea. Ben doesn't even drink tea, do you? No. And I won't listen to Mike Too stand up. Exactly. You'll turn out.

You'll turn out. You'll come, won't you? But you won't listen. No, I'll be listening to an audio book. And that's fine. I'm perfectly happy for people to turn up. And I'm going to be just flicking through Google images of different beach walruses.

And see how many there are. Are there an hour and a half's worth? We'll see. We'll find out. No, but I'll put a link in the show description so people can just click on that. Do go, because a Michael Wozniak show is almost, I would say, as good as watching a dead walrus explode.

Thanks, mate. OK, time to turn on the bean machine. And this week, we have a listener from northern Sweden, Fredrik. Hello, Fredrik. He was sent in his version of our bean machine jingle, which we'll use this week. Inspired and conceived and created

under the magnificent northern lights. And there are two versions. So he sent us a short version and an extended version. The James Cameron edition for three hours 15. So first of all, he sent in the version that we're going to hear now, which we'll use now. And then a me a day later, he sent a follow-up email saying hedge again beans, which I guess is Swedish,

attaches an extended version. Hope you enjoy it. P.S. I did some more electric guitars just for Henry, as I know how much he likes them. I did not like electric guitar music. They are recorded with a lovely handmade sunburst orange Variax Line 6 with an older body. This is what I don't like.

A maple neck bang on schedule. Yes. Ebony fretboard and three Alnico 5 single coil pickups with a dual humbucker modification. Great. Well done. Well, you know what? The northern lights, actually, they look like snot, don't they? It's like space snot.

They're green and disgusting and what's so great about them. It has an integrated Variax HD modelling technology, which can simulate 13 electric guitar models and 10 models of acoustic guitar and exotic stringed instruments up to 16 different pickup types. Wow. Oh, I'm soothed. I'm so soothed right now.

I was going to say I don't like ABBA, but I just do like ABBA. I can't say it. So thank you, Frederick. We will play your long version at the end, as our theme tune at the end. Nice. But we'll play your short version now,

as our bean machine jingle. He describes it as bean machine electro funk rock from Sweden. Nice. Here we go. Oh, yes. Great work. That is outstanding. That is incredible.

And you will have noticed over the Zoom call, the disco lights on the bean machine started flashing. Yeah. And the spinning disco ball started. I did. Well, I got mixed up. Initially, I thought it was the emergency lights. Yes.

I got a bit worried. You're not doing that. I thought, well, we have to bring in the army, and they have to. You have to evacuate South Wales. You have to evacuate South Wales. We've only got 12 minutes. Got 12 minutes.

And they've all learned it at school. They know the procedure. Which is that? Go straight to the sea. Head to the sea. Follow the rivers. Yeah. Leave your luggage.

You don't have time to take any of that. I mean, don't pack nothing. You know what I mean? Leave your, in whatever you're wearing, get into the sea. Go. Yeah. But it wasn't that.

It was just the disco ball, which has never come on before. So I didn't realize it worked. I thought it was just like an ornamental thing, but it started spinning around. So yeah, thank you, Frederick. Listening to that music really reminded me of something, which is, you know, like it was a kind of music where,

you know, when you listen to music on your earphones, whatever. This used to happen to me more than it does now, but you know, sometimes you'd be listening to music, and you'd say, okay, this is cool. That's what I'm doing. Yeah. I'm cool.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. You know, because sometimes you'll see someone experiencing that sitting on a train or something, and you'll see it, and normally, this used to be a bit bloated quite often,

I mean, the guy's sort of going, you can see him kind of like moving his head, and like, yeah, cool. And you're looking at him, and essentially you're just thinking, you're absolutely wally. You're not cool. You're just another div on the train.

Do you know what I'm talking about? I know what you mean, yeah. Wait, because you're in that world of the music, and you're like, yeah, I'm cool. Yeah. Do you know what I'm, Henry Packer? Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? Took you on that journey. The reason it really struck me once how this was happening to me once, when I was off doing a job I didn't like. Years ago, I was working as a receptionist at the headquarters of B&Q. It's not an obvious fit for you, Henry.

It's not an obvious fit. But I remember I was cycling, I used to cycle to that job, and I didn't like the job, but it wasn't a great period of my life. And I'd cycle along the canal, and I'd listen to sort of funky, cool music like that, and you know, you get into an emotional state,

and I'd be cycling like, yeah, cool. I'm Henry, yeah. I'm cycling, I'm moving. I'm on a faulty bike. I'm on a faulty bike. On a filthy canal. Faulty canal. But you know, when music gets you into this emotional state,

which is quite weird, because it's almost like that's not how I'm really feeling. It's a bit weird. It's like sometimes it's so, and I'm cycling, I'm going, yeah, I'm cool. Do the jobs, people walking along, they're cool. And then I remember this is the moment where I realized something was happening,

which wasn't right, which is I then looked at the canal, and I went, and those are ducks, and they're cool. And that was when I realized that this is a bit weird. Like this isn't really like, those ducks aren't cool. No. Do you know what I mean? They're just ducks on a canal, and I'm not that cool. I'm off to work at the headquarters of B&Q as a representative.

Headquarters, though. It's pretty prestigious. Yeah, headquarters, yeah. And you know, front desk. But people often say, Henry, it must have been quite fun and quite glamorous, what with all the tools, and the power tools, and the various... Charcoal.

The charcoal stuff. But I always had to say to them, look, this is very much the upstairs stuff. The only tools they had were in a small glass display cabinet and reception. They had some tools laid out to show what they do. But you couldn't actually use those tools. But it was all paperwork.

It was marketing strategy. It was... None of us you were getting involved with. Well, I stayed out of it, Mike. I mean, I had some ideas. I'm not going to lie. I think that's my ideas. Did you find that what B&Q stand for?

Or is that a secret you have to take to your grave? That's a secret, yeah. That's worth more than me. Yeah, I'm not going to share that. There's a... In fact, whenever you work at B&Q, there's a surgical procedure you have to go through when you work at B&Q,

which is they make a tiny incision in your neck and into it, they insert a black and decker jigsaw. And then they just seal it up. But if you tell anyone what B&Q stands for, that sets off and you end up... Just your jigsaw, your head off from the inside. So it's generally not worth it. You know what?

Can you already feel it humming? It's starting to hum. It's starting to hum. It's starting to power up just because we're circling the issue. It is starting to power up. So it's ready to go. That was brilliant. That music was brilliant.

And it did... For some reason, I felt like I was in a Daft Punk video. That was the image that came to me. Oh, yeah. Was like spinning cameras and me with a motorbike helmet on. Yeah. And being a mysterious Frenchman was great. Okay, well, now it's warmed up.

Let's get the topic out of the B-Machine. Yes, please. This week's topic ascent in by Rebecca Abray's son. So not Rebecca Abray, but her son. And from now on, I would like everyone sending in their topics to name themselves in relation to Rebecca Abray. Because obviously we are all related. She is the Kevin Bacon of 2023.

Yes. And he has sent in dogs. Dogs. Ben, me and you, we just sit back and enjoy the show. I'm taking off my... I'm taking off my headphones. Well, I'm not taking off my headphones. I'm putting them, keeping them on.

Putting on a second pair of headphones. I'm putting on a second pair of headphones. I'm putting in my mouth sock. Oh, this is going to be... What a lovely feeling, isn't it? Just knowing you're going to sit back and enjoy. Essentially, an hour-long monologue. 57 minutes of the greatest love story ever told.

I could tell you about the gentle shampoos I used to clean Pam's nipples when she's got very muddy. Because I don't want the nipples to get too sore. She's got a lot of them. There's that. We can talk about that. And then the obviously the conditioning of the nipples afterwards. That's very important.

The buffing and waxing. The buffing and waxing. Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam. Pam, good girl, Pam, good girl, Pam. Oh, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam. Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam. The splitting. She's got very much a splitting over the Christmas period.

What's that? Spluting is when they lie down on the floor, but they sort of part their hind legs in a way that's sort of impossible for humans. So they're sort of like... They're almost like wings, the back. So they're sort of flat as they possibly can be. It's sort of spatch cocking a bit. It's a bit like a spatch cocking.

They sort of self-spatch cock themselves. They self-spatch cock, yeah. It's known as splitting. Belly up. Belly down. Of no... Oh, right. Yeah, there is...

I mean, I don't... She has adopted that position. Belly up. Oh, you've set her off now. There she is. There we go. Bang on Q. Bang on Q.

She wants to enjoy the show as well. She's trying to get in. She wants to sit back and enjoy the show. Two years old and still very poorly trained. And it's too late now, Mike. Yeah, you might even be able to hear the rest of my family are rewarding her in some way. I think you heard that.

There was cheering going on. Yeah. So, whatever she's barking at, that was a great idea. The sound of a chicken leg being thrown in her direction. Exactly. And of course, if a dog isn't properly trained, like Pam, she has no comprehension of the universe or how anything works.

So, she may think that she's some sort of emperor or in charge of things. She'll have no sense of hierarchies or what's going on. And let's not forget a carnivorous emperor as well. A carnivorous emperor. For an extra level of jeopardy. She may think that the television is her chief advisor or something.

She'll just have a completely... It'll be haywire all over the place, won't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no... What is going on in that creature's brain? I've no idea. And neither does she. No, no, that's very clear.

And most dogs, it's well known to see the world in black and white, but she may see it in sort of... She's got kind of a lurid technicolor, I think. She's got a very sort of first lava lamp. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So lava lamp tones. So she just sees everything as just sort of colorful globules.

That seems like Groovy. Bright and gaudy, but also groovy. Groovy vision. Hello. So she's seen the world in groovy vision, of course. No straight lines at all. She can't see a straight line. Everything's possible when everything's wavy and groove-style.

Hi, I'm Pam. Welcome to my universe. My groovy verse. The groovy verse. What do you think, Mike, what do you think Pam's personality would be if she were a human being? I worry that she might be a bit like when Tom Cruise was jumping on the sofa at Oprah Winfrey's show. What, so hopelessly in love with Katie Holmes?

I think hopelessly in love with Katie Holmes. Abolient. I'm able to express it in a way that is tolerable for anyone else in the room. So training-wise, I'm not a dog person. I've never had a dog. I've never lived in a house with a dog. When you get a dog, you're meant to train them, right? Yes.

Is that a thing? And is that for their good? Is that for your good? Is that... It's both of the above and the good of the wider community. Neighboring cats, for example. We did the first training book we bought, which was very strongly recommended.

She ate within 24 hours. What, ate the training book? Yes. You can't expect a dog to read a book. We got... Well, that was some sake. We were then working out the way we're probably supposed to read it. And exercise some of the instructions within.

So we did get another book. And we've definitely tried doing some of the stuff in it. But I mean, for example, with Pam, you know, we... When she was very small, she was trying to eat the table and the chairs. It's quite a common thing with puppies. And there's lots of puppy books that say, try and make that undesirable. You know, put a bit of Tabasco down the...

You're seasoning it. Yeah, it turns out she just likes strong condiments. And she... She actually only stopped eating the table legs when we then stopped putting condiments on the table legs. It was too bland. So we sort of have to go through Helen back, really. Is that true?

I can't get my head around that. As a bit of advice for dogs. Did you put condiments on the table legs? Yeah, like chili sauce. Stuff that's supposed to be like the smallest sniffle leg is supposed to repel them. So they don't... They learn not to chew the table legs or... The idea is that they barely get sniff.

Do you understand what a condiment is? You think the way to make something less appealing to eat is to put delicious spicy sauce or barbecue relish on it? Well, that's because the assumption is that if you've got a Hungarian vizsler who's been born in the south of Wales, yeah, they might like it salty, but they're not going to be necessarily into your Chinese fire spice. But that wasn't the case.

Okay, so it's about... She's banged up for it. But she... Okay. Yeah. She'll go for the hottest Tamil curries going, if available. In cartoons, right? Dogs chase cats around.

Yeah. She has... Chases mice around. She's got primal fear of... Of cats. Still hates cats. Really? There's loads of cats.

She's scared of them. She screams at cats. They're not scared of her. We've got some quite hench cats nearby who just sort of... They'll just sort of sit there as if to say, well, you're on a lead. What are you going to do about it? They've got a point.

They do have a point. She's terrified of them. She also... Because she's a lockdown puppy. There's all sorts of stuff in the first few months that didn't happen, that is supposed to happen, that you're supposed to expose them to. For example, horses. Until this day, if she sees a horse,

she does not understand what the hell is going on. She sort of whimpers... Does she think it's a mega dog? She thinks it's a mega dog, I think. And she sort of whimpers and counters. And a bit of her wants to play with it, but a bit of her fears it. And she'll...

Yeah. She'll pretty much have to be picked up and carried past the horse. She won't attack the horse. She'll just be in a state of abject fear. And how about Timothy Chalamet? Has she been exposed to photos of Chalamet? Because again, that's something that... Yeah.

From the get-go. Yeah. And we ordered some Chalamet scent as well. Okay, good. Which, yeah. Okay. Was, at the time, felt like a bit of an ordeal, because buying a puppy in lockdown was expensive enough,

and then the Chalamet sent, you know, whew. Yeah. Price is stuff. But she's... But surely you've got the sort of black market scent. Chalamet scent, right? So it's slightly watered down. Yes.

Yeah. But a lot of that stuff, it's actually... There's a bit of Chuck Norris in there. You're actually smelling as well. You're smelling a backstreet combo of Chuck Norris and Nigel Havers. And it is absolutely repugnant, isn't it? To us, yeah.

That's that combo. Paramel... Yeah. So she's very ready. And I think she'll be very obedient for Timothy. You know, should he ever swim by? We need that covered. And Havers.

And Havers. Yeah. Because the last thing you want would be, obviously the worst thing they could ever have, would be if Chalamet was to be doing a procession through Exeter, which he may do at some point. When he's awarded the Lord Mayorship, for example. If Pan was to not have been Chalamet trained,

and to attack Chalamet. To tear Chalamet asunder. To tear Chalamet asunder. On these streets. On these streets. Which is pretty devastating. And on your watch. Because he insists that when he parades through the streets

of a town that dogs are off their leads as well. So I can't. There's no control. Well, animals must gamble in front of him. Yes, exactly. And that's one of his ribers, isn't it? For any way he goes. It's animals and children.

And animals must gamble. And retired, yeah. Former NHS professionals must gamble before him. It's a lovely sight. I think I'm still yet to see a Chalamet performance on Cinefilm or whatever it is. Really? Yeah.

Never seen Chalamet. You know what? I saw a photo of Chalamet the other day, and it made me remember our chat about Chalamet on this podcast. And how true it is that his face is so... He's got a 2D head. He's got a 2D head. Even in stills, his face looks weird.

It's only in motion on the screen. It looks incredible. It's pure beauty. Did you have to make a flip book? You'd have to make a flip book for it to be tolerable otherwise. Because even in still, it's so... He actually looks like he's got a... Funny enough, actually relevant to this conversation.

He actually looks like he's got a spatchcocked face. Because the edges of the jaws are so far apart, the edges of each jaw. It's so chiseled. Is that the latest Hollywood surgical procedure? Facial spatch-crocking. Face spatch-crocking. So what it means is you look absolutely great...

What's the name of the thing the dog does, Mike? Splooting. Splooting. So do you think Chalamet is able to sploot his own face? He never splooted face. He's got a jaw-sploot. And the thing is, if you have a jaw-sploot, if you get splooted the procedure now,

what it means is you look absolutely great in a still photograph from the exact front. You look amazing. But from behind, it's like being backstage at the theatre, which is, you know, the set looks great. We look backstage, there's plinths, there's bits of scaffolding, there's... There's bits of bawdy graffiti on the back of Chalamet's head.

There's bits of bawdy graffiti. Old pantomime posters. There's, yeah, old flickering fire exit signs. Yeah, which is why the back of his head gets so rarely photographed, you know. Well, exactly. Yeah, I've never seen the back of his head. You've never seen the back of his head. You've literally never seen the back of his head.

So is his face primed for 3D movies? Maybe that's what it is. Like 3D glasses work on his face, you know? I see. Oh, maybe. Oh, maybe that's what it is. Maybe he took a gamble that that technology would take off more than it has. I mean...

Oh, speaking of 3D glasses, Henry. Yes. You went to see Avatar. I did go to see Avatar. Have you seen it yet? Did you? No. So I was going to go on New Year's Eve.

My thought was I wanted to see the new year in... In what's it called? Ambrosia? What's the place called? Pandora. Futuromonomerome. I can't remember. Yeah, Pandorma.

Pandora, yeah. Yeah. But unfortunately, I've been ill. So I was feeling quite dreadful and didn't go. But you have been. Yeah. Fill us in, Henry. Well...

Tell us of the blue lands. I'm trying to link this to dogs somehow. I tell you, one of the... It's never bothered you before, Henry. You're right. It's New Year. I'm trying to think New Focus. New Year.

Okay. Well, dogs are 3D. Dogs are 3D. I tell you what, one of the probably smallest plot holes in this film is that none of these alien beings seem to have pets. Actually, now come to think of it. But there are bigger plot holes. Oh, I don't know what to say.

Did you enjoy it? You look slightly stressed even thinking about it. Well, I do. You really do. I'm not sure that's the design. That's a welcome. I haven't processed it, basically. I don't really know what to do with it mentally.

It's... I think one thing I've been thinking is, as we're computing it, is it's the best... One of the very best two-star films you'll ever see. It's an incredibly... It's a really brilliant two-star film. That's what it... Like, it's incredible. The amount...

What they've done, what they've managed to do with this, you know, way below... Well, way below mediocre film is incredible. It's amazing. Honestly. Yeah, so it's kind of like... That's how I felt about it. Because, you know, I was... The whole time you're going,

Bloody hell, they've really pushed the boat out here. Blimey. Cough. Wow. But it's fucking shit. But there is a little blue space mosquito buzzing around your head as you're watching it. Which is impressive. Well, actually, no, I didn't actually do...

I didn't do this for ED, actually. Maybe I should have done it. Oh, I too did it. I too did it. Well, I just thought, I know I'm going to be bored. I'd rather not be in pain as well. Okay, I think. Because I'd rather not be traveling migraine as soon as you get home.

I'd rather not be very, very physically uncomfortable as well as bored. And I think overall, that was the right decision, actually. It's like, it's hard to sort of... It was one of these... I was so braced for it to be absolutely terrible. Because that obviously makes a big difference to how you experience a film. Or anything, really. So I was so braced for it to be absolutely terrible.

But I went in almost gritting my teeth. I was like, come on, get this done. I sort of had the attitude of... Like you were getting something pierced. Like I was getting something pierced. Or like I was a 19th century explorer and I just had accepted that the only way I'm going to make it through this is if all of my body from the shoulders down is cut off now.

And then I can get home and I can tell my family. Oh, I found the source of the Zambezi. Exactly. But you're just going to cut it just... You know that bit in the film where I've got a leather strap in my mouth. I've downed the bottle of whiskey. And I'm like, just do it. So I went in your neck against a bit of sharp bark.

Yeah. It's the best thing you can find. And I'm like, just sear it. I'll just cut it off and then sear it. Cauterize my neck. Cauterize my neck. And roll your way back up. Yeah.

And I don't... And I want that fat burnt off. And he's just burned off the fat. Use the iron. I know. I know it was a bit... We shouldn't have... Yeah, I mean...

You should have turned the steam off. Yeah. It's just kind of likely steamed in my face. Also, we probably shouldn't have brought the iron and the irony board and all that on this mission. Probably things would have gone better if we'd had less focus on... On laundry.

Less emphasis on laundry and immaculately plus trousers and more emphasis on basic supplies and an anti-donkey crossbow. We should have brought that because the donkeys, the local donkeys, they're absolutely fucking ransacked this mission. These jungle donkeys. Jungle donkeys.

And the fact is, they are the perfect predator. They're way ahead of us. This is nothing we can do against them. They work in teams. They work in teams. They work better in teams and alone. That's how good they are. They can walk up.

They can walk straight up trees. They can walk straight down trees. They can drop out of them silently. They can hold their breath for 45 minutes. And they're perfectly camouflaged. Perfectly camouflaged. Because there are so many other donkeys that they just camouflage against the other donkeys.

So you don't know which donkeys you're dealing with at any one time. They've also infiltrated our donkeys. So I don't know which of our own donkeys to trust. I mean, I thought... So Gerald, I mean, he's a lauded donkey, isn't he? Seemingly he was trustworthy. Seemed he was trustworthy. I mean, I went to Bloody Harrow with him.

Yeah. So that was the SGO chicken. That was the SGO chicken. I was literally, I was braced for pain. And as we all know, if you've ever had an injection or dental work, if you really brace yourself for that pain, often you go, well, hang on a minute. It's actually not as bad as...

Oh, but the difference with dental work and it's certainly with an injection is, it doesn't take three and a quarter hours. No, I didn't think you can get tickets where they anesthetize any part of you, like your eyeballs before avatar either, do they? No. And actually...

What I would need is a kind nurse sitting next to me just asking me questions about other things, take my mind off it. Oh, I like those trainers, Ben. Where do you get those? Online. It's amazing, isn't it? Online, the things you get on.

It's amazing what they can do these days. That's too close to the technology of avatar. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I mean, oh, have you seen a big fire engine lately? They're shiny. Too late. Too late, I'm back in the fictive universe of avatar. No, you know what?

I'd actually recommend for avatar too, but actually, you know what? Just bloody full general. Just get yourself down for it. Honestly, if you could do it with full general, I'll tell you what, the other thing, or what they do for cesareans, which is there's a little curtain

between you and the film, so you can't see what's going on. Okay, and they put some headphones in so you can't hear it. Or, no, but yeah, actually, you know what? Full general. You know, you wake up feeling a bit woozy. Probably shouldn't drive home.

Someone else could pick you up. Someone else can pick you up, but at least you've seen that you've been in the presence of avatar. Exactly. And it's not an overnight stay, I think. It would be outpatient stuff. Oh, no, no, no, no.

Yeah. One element of the film, which is quite weird, is that you keep on expecting you to feel wonder and amazement at the natural world that is made up. But it's not, say, you're supposed to be going, oh, my God, look at that huge, strange-looking fish. But that's exactly what happens

with an atom of documentary, except in the atom of documentary, it's a real fish. Whereas in this one, it's just not a real fish. Do you see what I mean? It's a really cool blue fish that someone's drawn. So there's a lot of that. And all the rousing music you get in the atom of documentary

of, like, oh, my God, that's incredible. They've got squids that have a kind of loop thing on their head and they're shiny. And then you go, no, but there isn't that squid. Whereas in Attenborough, there's a better squid than that or a very similar-looking squid that actually is a real squid. You know what?

Everything is so CG. Everything, by the end, you're like, I just, all I want to do is get out of this cinema, go into an alley, and just try and find a rat and look at it for a bit. I just want to see something that's got a pulse and is real. It's just too much. There's too much of it.

You just want to sit with a fox in an industrial bin and commune. Also, another thing about Avatar is because it was, they started making it so long ago, that obviously times change. It feels weirdly dated, even though it's modern and new and out now or whatever. It just feels weirdly dated. Is one of the navi listening to an iPod shuffle?

There's a lot of iPod shuffle going on. Very late discussing age music technology. In what ways does it feel dated, Henry? Oh, the font. Well, they use that font, Papyrus. Yeah, that's font, the font, because there's a lot of... This is a lot of... Papyrus font.

Wow. Is that what it's called? Is that one they invented for the film, or is it a...? No, it's like, I think it's like an old-school Microsoft Word one. It's such a Microsoft Word font. I half-expected the cheeky paperclip to appear and go... Looks like you're making a dog shit movie. Have you checked your script?

Because this is absolutely shite. And they're all on hotmail as well. I think that there was an SNL sketch about how they used Papyrus, I think, is why I know it's... Oh, really? ...they did a sort of... Yeah, because I didn't know that sort of... But there's a lot of subtitles in the film.

Right. For alien language. Oh, they invented an alien language. There's an alien language. But it's like... Even the human characters in this film are less human than actual humans. Do you know what I mean? Mm.

Let alone a massive whale beast. Because there's a huge whale beast that talks. That talks? Well, it think talks. I think it's got brain power talking. Telepathic whales. Telepathic whales. Telling you the truths of the sea.

Yeah, but it's so... The level of spirituality and that kind of stuff, it's sort of like... It feels like it's from a 1980s leaflet in a yoga studio or something. That's because all of the philosophy has come out of that. Because it's like, Whales are cool, man. There's like a tree of knowledge.

There's a tree of knowledge. Oh, yeah. But there's this tree of knowledge. There's Whales are cool, man. And the seaweed of justice. And there's telepathy. But there's a really funny bit where one of the Navi is talking to a big huge whale for the first time.

This huge whale just pops up and they start chatting with the subtitles. You know, they have that font stated. I mean, I'm embarrassed about that font. I would not... I would not attach that font to anything. You know, I wouldn't want that font associated with me at all. The budget's gone elsewhere, though, hasn't it? The budget's gone elsewhere, but that font is really...

Camerons, I'd ask, is there a saving we can make anywhere? Please, yes, well, this one. We saved it free because we have been using Microsoft computers. So, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, this whale appears and they just start chatting. And the character goes, so why are you so sad? And the whale just in subtitle, in a really dated subtitle,

the whale just suddenly goes, I can't talk about it. It's too painful. That comes up. And at that point, I just lost it. I just... That was the first time I just started laughing. In one go, for me to accept this massive, sort of, weird, futuristic whale, A talks in...

In... In telepathy. In papyrus font. It talks in papyrus font. And it's also quite a private whale as well. Quite a private whale. Of course, it's a really weird... I've just met you.

We're not going to be out. Yeah. It's not just... It's a huge... It's an alien whale. It's got a kind of more like a beak-shaped head. So, it's got like a sort of chicken head. Mega sea chicken.

It's like a mega sea chicken. A telepathic mega sea chicken. It's telepathic. And also, it's got a sort of knobbly, knobbly, knobbly face. And also, on each side, you know, the way a whale has one little... It's quite a weird thing that a whale has one little, sort of, human-looking eye that pokes out of it because, as we've discussed many times, a whale looks like it's got a dog trapped inside it,

which contains a human, isn't it? So, a whale looks like... That's why they've got quite human eyes. Because a whale looks like it has a dog trapped inside it. It looks like there are two dogs, one on each side. One on each side. With putting one eye through. Exactly. Each one of them is putting one eye through.

And paddling like, Ruddy heck, let's keep that thing afloat. So, but this one has got two eyes on each side. So, it looks like the dog is inside it looking straight out. Through it, if you're kidding me. So, it's got two eyes on each side. So, already, everything is going, this is a really weird-looking alien thing.

And then, yeah, it's talking in papyrus. And the first thing it says is, I don't want to go into that, it's too painful. Basically, my mother's been really ill all year. My mother's been really ill, yeah. And then later on... And Jeremy's not very adjusting very well, secondary school. And also, I mean, look, solidarity.

I support industrial action, but these Ruddy strikes, they're not making it easier. They're really not. Have we lucky? Have we, if we get our next Christmas on these cards? Do you know what I mean? It's that sort of, it's that... No, I didn't.

And I know, I didn't handwrite the Christmas cards, I printed them in papyrus. I used the papyrus one. Because that is the ways of the deep. But the last thing on the huge futuristic whale thing, whale alien thing. Whale alien. Whale alien.

The other thing which happens with the whale alien is, by the way, this was actually something that was noticed by the person I watched the film with. This was actually, so what I watched, Avatar 2 with Friend of the Pod, superbly talented comedian, actor, and author, Daniel Rigby. Nice. He pointed this out to me afterwards.

Which is true, so another very funny moment is later on, well, there's a spoiler here, by the way. So, spoiler alert. But basically, one of these big Whalians dies towards the end of the film. And it's dying. And obviously, one of the evil humans is a sort of Whaliener in that he's got a big harpoon and he, a futuristic harpoon. Oh, okay, yeah.

And he likes going after them. And he has no other motivation or anything as a character other than he just loves killing Whalians. And you don't know why. He's just like, ah, let's get him. He's not even got an alien soap factory back home. He's not even got a Whalien soap factory or any kind of Whalien backstory, I don't know.

But anyway, but one of them dies. And one of the Navi, or Aquanavi, is goes, oh, no, he was so wonderful. He was a composer. Okay, let's read some emails. Thank you to everyone who sent us emails to 3BeansSaladPod at gmail.com. Sam emails, hello, Beans. Hello.

I hope you're all doing well. Thanks. My partner and I both enjoy the show a great deal. Brackets, we're both often traveling between cities to see each other. And the podcast is the perfect thing to get us through those train rides. So we're talking about a romantic long distance relationship here. Trains, tearful goodbyes, steamy platforms, hankies out of train windows.

Absolutely, yeah. Yeah. David Niven in there somewhere. David Niven. He's involved. Darling. Darling. And so many, so many wonderful moments in pumpkin cafes.

Is it the pumpkin cafe? Is that the real cafe? I think it is pumpkin cafe. Yeah. Just one more pinnini, darling. We haven't got time. Also, they're not that good. I know they're not that good.

But you're that good. Thanks, darling. Anyway, Samuel writes, a development which might be of interest as a byproduct of the podcast, it is now the case that when the two of us are negotiating mild disagreements, tellings off, etc., these situations are often diffused reasonably quickly

through the judicious use of the phrase, bollocking accepted. Which really expedites the whole process quite nicely. There's another side to that coin, though, isn't there? That could make things worse. Well, here we go. Of course, there's also the occasional need for a reflector bollock, which one might think would escalate things.

But so far, it also manages to take the edge off more than anything. I've called the whole endeavor success so far. So there you go. It's tremendous news. Darling, I missed you so much. Why must you always go away like this? Bollocking accepted, darling. And then finally,

all right, I don't know quite what I've done this. I've sent you both this sound, prepared at the same time. It's a little song I made to process my own emotions. Last week, I had the idea that people could send in their naysays. But I began to worry that on the whole it could feel too negative. So I wonder if we should scrap it.

All that said, I think the Rolling Stones are shit. It's a lovely little busy. There you go. Big fan of that. Very nice. Big fan. Yeah. And I think you're probably right.

Yeah, they're like a pub band, basically, aren't they? Yeah, basically, the noise Mark Knopfler makes when he gets up off a sofa is better than their entire band catalogue. Do you know what I mean? Well, I think you're both being outrageous. Yeah, outrageous. No, I'm not really naysaying. I'm not really naysaying the Stones.

I think your sentiment is probably right there then, actually, about naysaying in general. Yes, I think I'd probably get on board with that. We did get a couple of emails that were just very... Oh, god. Splenetic, is that the word? Oh, yeah, we don't want to be a lightning rod for that shit. No, it all felt a bit...

Event Splen was Joe Rogan or someone else. And we'd end up being a miles bigger podcast, obviously. Dan Joe Rogan? The Joe Rogan, yeah. Flamin' Beans. Hot naysays coming right, left and centre. This week's The Beans are fucking furious. Flamin' Beans.

So there we go. It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon, Patreon, Patreon.com. Thank you, Joe, for when you signed up on our Patreon. Thank you. Thank you very much. Have a look on patreon.com, for now, Three Beans Salad, if you're interested in bonus episodes.

In fact, if you're in the Sean Bean tier, this week, you will be getting the audio from our last live show, which happened in September, which was good fun. That's going to be going up on the feed this week at some point. Yum. So if you'd like to listen to that, the Sean Bean tier is the place to go. But also, if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier,

you get a shout out in the Sean Bean lounge, where Mike was last night. Well, in fact, you spent the entire Christmas period there as well. I did. I did. And it was an awful lot of fun. I had a lot of good company as well. But last night was a particularly special occasion.

Okay. Because, of course, it was... Yeah, so, well, it was the... kicking off 2023 traditionally, wasn't it, in the Bean lounge with the traditional waxed-fruits duel. Wasn't it? Thank you. Yes.

Exactly, Henry. Thank you. And here's my report. We saw in the new year at the Sean Bean lounge with the traditional waxed-fruits duel, which this year took the form of a nutritious, if deadly, knockout tournament. In the waxed mango group, Scott Carlson, Peter Oliver,

and Ben Hall were all cut down to size by John Hannan's waxed Alfonso. In the citrus group, Sally Holloway's razor-sharp Australian finger lime took down Nicholas Millow's chinotto and Fraser Smith's disconcertedly plump clementine, but was bested by Claudia Bull's family cumquat. Owing to a clerical error, Sam Trinordan was alone in the plumb group

but managed to defeat himself with a short-range tactical green gauge. Combat in the waxed pumpkin group was as heavy duty as you might expect, with a mixture of fighting styles and waxing techniques on display from Rat Danger, Thomas the Fat, Prince Bishop of Utrecht, and Evie Sherry.

But the group, when it was Louise Parkin, whose waxed barretta, though technically illegal, made short work of any and all pumpkin-based foes. A failure to properly describe the nature of the tournament resulted in all the surviving group winners leaving the lounge at this point, assuming they'd won. That left Elizabeth Smythe and Morgana Mountford Davis to fight it out for the trophy,

both having initially failed to qualify for the group stages. In Elizabeth's case, as she'd failed to fully wax her seedless grape, and in Morgana's case, because she'd overwaxed a giant jackfruit to the extent that it could only be lifted with a small crane. Once the waxed fruit weaponry had been properly and evenly prepared,

Dan dropped a hanky, and the opponents took 10 paces before turning to fire. Elizabeth Smythe misfired and shot her own second, Freddy Sweet, through the main bit of him. The grape being seedless, however, he is expected to make a full recovery. Morgana Mountford Davis,

now with all the time in the world to take her shot, has decided to take that time, and as we speak, is still eyeing up the open and vulnerable Smythe. Morgana is, of course, our de facto winner, but will she allow Smythe to yield, or will she take the fatal shot? Stay tuned to find out if we remember to tell you.

So that's the end of the podcast. This week, instead of our theme tune at the end, we're going to play out the longer version of Frederick's Bee Machine Space Opera. Space Opera is really good. Thank you, Frederick. And thanks for joining us back in 2023. We'll see you next week.

Bye. Bye. Thank you. Bye. Right. Asteroids, sleep, musical instruments, magic, purple, romance, dystopia, jeffreys, immortality, the titanic, the zombies, Canada. Let's activate the beam machine. Let's beam machine it. Let's activate the beam machine. Let's activate the beam machine.