Three Bean Salad - Exercise

Episode Date: December 1, 2021

The Beans are back! It's the start of series three and this time they're working up a sweat talking about exercise. Also featuring peregrination, shuttlecocks and the crab living between Ben's warm bumcheeks.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladGet in touch: [e-mail]@beansaladpod

I've noticed that she's some some hot sexy young things had a podcast and they released little little video clips as little sort of teaser trailer things on Twitter. And do you think we should do the same? I suppose the question is does our physical appearance enhance or detract from our experience with us? Yeah. Because what do you picture when you hear our voices? Well, we had an email this week about this.

Do you want me to read to you about what one listener imagines that we all look like? There was some alarm at the live show appearances. Oh, yeah, there was. It seemed to recall. It's from you and Evans. He says, I just wanted to bring to your attention a thought that's been buzzing around my head since your podcast entered my life. Okay.

To be blunt, I believe that you're either lying about how you look or your voices and personas betray you and your personalities. Okay. Hang on. I'm going to have to sit with that for a minute. I don't know what that means. Okay. Please don't be the only one.

Do we try and unpack that or do we just crack on? It's one or the other, right? That's what he's saying. What is? Us. I wonder if we just move on. It was like a sort of English GCSE comprehension exercise where some of the questions are just going to have to let go of them and move on to the next one.

It's like you do a quick calculation. You had about points and time and you're like, I just sacrificed the question. Yeah. This is move on to Cortex and Pith, anything to do with the stem of a plant. That's where you're strong. Yeah. Which you hope comes up as I've mentioned in your English literature GCSE example. It's like, oh no, what's happened?

We've lost someone. Have you had that experience? Ben's left. Ben has just gone. God, was that storming out? That was a Zoom storm out. I don't know. I got a little message saying you are the host now.

Bloody hell. He'd gone. He must have read the rest of that letter and for some reason he's either skipped town. He's just done with a pair of us. I can't believe he's left us, you know, in the middle of a pod as well like this. Welcome to To Beans Salad. Yay. Probably don't need Ben anyway.

No, we'll be fine. So go. Okay. Fucking hell. I can't. I can't do this. Hello. He's back.

He's back. Oh my God. Oh my God. Then we tried to pod without you. It was absolute fucking car crash. It was miserable. Oh my God. It was awful.

Yeah. It was like being strangled by a squid. I did actually spend some time as a thought experiment imagining if we had to do versions of the podcast where one of us wasn't there and each permutation is actually horrifying, I think. I know. You're right. You're right.

In different ways. In very different ways. One combination is just dull. One combination is just extraordinarily bigoted. Yeah. One is incredibly sanctimonious. I think if it's just me and Mike, that would descend into basically me just being, me being in trouble with you the whole time.

It would be like, Henry, come on, stop it. Yes, that's probably fair. I don't know why I think it would turn into that. I think Ben does, yeah, does probably, he acts as a buffer, a bollocking buffer. I would, and I would become more childlike and more sort of pathetic and you would become more militaristic. Yeah. In the same way, I'm much less likely to shout at my children if there's a guest in the house.

Exactly. With Ben around. Exactly. That's it. I'll cut you a bit of slack. Yeah. And go, oh, Henry, rather Henry. Yeah.

Yeah. Henry. Yeah, I think that's probably right. There will be no choc lices for a year. A year. I mean it. I mean it. Well, as long as I'm here, he's always handing you choc lices.

That's why I have to keep popping out because he's couriering them across. I have to keep popping down to get a courier of choc lice in a mini hotel fridge that is still on the back of the moment. That would be me and Mike. What would Mike and Ben be? Very dull. Yeah. Very extremely boring.

I think we'd both enjoy it immensely. Yeah. It's probably the most enjoyable one for me, but I think for the listener it would be agony. Going through various sort of almanacs of like sort of. Sort of nautical winds and soil changes. Just reading out charts. Yeah.

I think it would tell you. I'm really fancy that. Let us know, listeners, if you do fancy the almanac podcast with Ben and Mike. Historical wind data. Historical wind data. Tides from New Haven, Connecticut in 1743. Oh, I love the sound of this. 58 horsepower.

North, northeast. 74 horsepower. North, northwest. 75 horsepower. That's a great wind unit. It would just be that kind of thing. Yeah. I think it might actually then become quite big as.

Kind of like a sleep aid. Something that's quite good. Yeah. Or to euthanize people too. It would have to be very stringent warnings all over the place. Yeah. Mike, I was just putting the chat link to some tide times. Should we try to read them out and we can just do a little section?

Let's see if our listeners are keen. Oh, he's New Haven as well. But it's not New Haven. That New Haven. The other New Haven. So it says here. English Channel Coast. So I'll start some music.

The town of New Haven lies at the mouth of the River Ooze on the English Channel Coast. Due to its location, it is a ferry port for services into France. Tide times. High. 230 am. Height. 6.26 meters. Low tide.

Low tide. But you keep those kind of bloopers in because people would love that, wouldn't they? Who do you think? I don't know. I think charts. I know. You've got to keep it. It's not a place for bloopers.

This is why you wouldn't. This is why exactly why you wouldn't be involved. Exactly. Do you mind not butting in on our tide podcast? I'm not supposed to be involved in this. Henry! Hang on. I've just got to phone the Chuck Ice guy.

This next one, you give it to him but crushed. Thank you. Broened it. Low tide. 8.52 am. Height. 1 meter. 51 centimeters.

High tide. 2.51 pm. 6.02 meters. Low tide. 9.22 pm. Low tide for New Haven are automatically adjusted for British summertime where applicable. Crabs for sale. Fresh crabs for sale.

Come get your crabs. Fair price for a fair crab. Wow. The guy's in east blatching who are listening right now. It's not bad though. They're going to go nuts. And the advert that they have on the Tide Times website is for 7 signs your liver is dying. Is that what it says?

Yep. Well, that'd be one of your sponsors, won't it? All we live is stuff. This might be a good time actually to mention our new website. Yeah. What's the address, Ben? Well, 3binstown.org. Hopefully by the time the listeners get to this it will feature all the information they may need to consider the 3binstown lifestyle.

However, when I bought it yesterday and sent you the link, it had already been populated by loads of adverts for dog meat. What was that thing you sent me, Ben? I didn't understand it. That was genuinely our website, I think. It's a website that we own. We're now getting behind. Quite a lot of dog meat. That people buy stuff through our website?

No. I've not clicked on the links because I think for all the world they're probably sort of virus things. I mean, it's a classic fishing rod. How do you lure people in? How do you lure the most people in? Fresh raw dog meat. Fresh raw dog meat mixed with chicken paste delivered to your home. Click.

Everyone's going to have a look. Of course you can have a look. If you've got any kind of occasion coming up, a birthday or christening. Within 24 hours, Russian operatives taking your identity. You've been dropped on a remote Pacific Island with a kilo of plastic, strapped to your nuts. What started with you wanting dog meat, you end up being the dog meat. All you've got with you on that island, and I don't think a lot of people choose this as their luxury on those island discs, I can tell you, is a machine with instructions, and it's a machine to turn yourself into dog meat,

and that's the final humiliation you have to do it yourself. Weirdly, Jeanette Winterson actually did go for that one. Jeanette Winterson is the only person who wins for it. The only person who's ever gone for that. It's actually quite a sensible choice, really. Well, she's seen there'd be wild dogs on the island that she could partially use her own body as barter. She was a dog meat with her right leg. Most people don't consider the number of wild dogs that might be on that island when they go into a desert.

And how much you could really cheer them up by mincing yourself. My thing is, you know, this is the last conversation you're having before being taken to a desert island. Why are you going over your past to the history and how you got on in your career? Much more of it should be focused on... Have you got any questions about how to make a bivouac? Yeah, exactly. Who's the presenter these days? Lauren Laverne. It is, yeah.

Does she feel like the kind of person who'd be able to tell you how to create potable water in the... I remember when I was a kid and I listened to it, that was literally the only bit of the show I was interested in, because my parents would play it in the car when we were doing long drives and stuff. And I was like, it's the only bit I liked about that show was just the last sort of 30 seconds where they actually addressed the desert island thing. Yes! Brilliant. Because they do say, don't they?

They always say, how do you think you'd fare on the desert island? And they always go, well, actually, I think I'd be okay, you know. They always say that. I'm quite good in my own company. And I think I'd actually be all right. And you think, what are you talking about? You absolute idiot. I think I'm quite good in my own company for an evening in my heated home and wisefire. Exactly. That's true of most people, except Martin Amis,

who did say that he would be eating his own shit within minutes. He's one of the only people that really went honest with it. Yeah. I suppose also the first days of the island is you just walk around looking at the corpses of all the other dead famous people, like the sort of really macabre maddened two swords of everyone who's ever been on desert island discs. Trying to fight off giant Pacific rats with a couple of heavy books.

Yeah. And the only one who survived, of course, is Martin Amis, who turns out was actually thriving on his own shit. Because even the rats look at him and go, four. So, yeah, I can't remember how he got into that. But, yes, we've got a website now. Three Ben Salad Dotto.

We've also got a letter that we began. Oh, gosh, of course. And also, we didn't discuss what the podcast would be like if it was just me and Henry. That one for me is the less clear one. I don't think that's less clear. I think there's just an endless stream of technical questions and inquiries from Henry related to every single electrical

and household appliance that he can get his hands to. Yes, that's what it would be. Yeah. And within 30 minutes, you're going to be checking the oil on his car down the line. Yeah. You're going to be relacing some boots even. Yes.

I would become particularly helpless. He'd be totally infantilized. I'd become totally infantilized. And in a sort of Munchausen's way, Ben would encourage it, I think, after a point. I think so. Yeah. It'd be wholly dependent by the end of a single episode.

It'd be wholly dependent. Completely dependent on Ben. Yeah. And by the end of series one, completely incontinent as well. Yeah. So, I'm just basically turning the clock back on you until you're just a completely helpless sort of fetus man. Yeah.

And then fashioning him into the man you want. I see. At the other end of that. Yeah. Taking him back to zero. And then I build him back up. Yeah. As Anthony.

Yeah. Exactly. My servant, Anthony. Anthony. Bring me my meat. Be careful because Anthony might grow back stronger and more powerful than you ever imagined. But he probably won't.

See if I'm... Chance is sorry, he won't. I see. Well, that's a good twist for like season seven, isn't it? Yeah. Anthony. Why have you disobeyed me? Anthony.

Anthony. Chug eyes is for you today, Anthony. I've made a cup of tea by myself. No. Now who is the master? No. No. Oh, shit, it's not a tea.

It's a lasagna. As we were. So, what else? There was the letter. I think the letter was the last thing on the... Remaining on the agenda. The letter that caused Ben to flee. So, he was imagining what we'd all look like, was it?

Yeah, so he says... Oh, yeah. This is Ewan. He says, in my mind, Ben looks like Jimmy Carr and sits at a newsreader's desk and operates as a non-respected manager, but who understands his staff are complete liabilities. That's me.

Well, that's more than just how you look. It's got the essence of the man. He's given you the essence of you, a non-respected manager. It's quite backhanded. It's quite... There's a touch of the spurbs to that assessment, I would say.

Yeah, interesting. Read on with caution. Yeah. Well, this next one's less backhanded and more Pete Sampras four-handed. Oh, right. Henry... Oh, dear.

...looks like someone who joined Curries during the sixth form and is still there 20 years later and has in no way any promotion chance. Well, for one thing, that guy doesn't know how retail works because there's no way you're on the shop floor in Curries without at least getting certain basic privileges like access to the tail

or operating chip and pin, taking orders, going to and from... going to and from the stock room. Processing refunds. Processing refunds. There will be, there's room for me to... I'm not going to say blossom, but there is space for me in Curries.

To the very least. To at least germinate. And, for example, polishing the laptops every morning, that kind of thing. Telling people about the parking... rules through the parking and giving people directions to screwfix if that's what they're looking for.

You'll be able to rattle off the fact that it's the same car park for pets at home in no time. Yeah, exactly. And it's a two-hour maximum stay. Are you saying that you do have a chance at promotion? Well, put it this way, I've worked in retail before. I once... these hands... they're, you know...

what's the opposite of soft? Hard. Hard. They're hard. They're calloused with work. If anyone's seen my hands... Calloused with retail? It's like looking at a sort of 19th century Bretton farmer's hands, isn't it?

Of course, yeah. In the toy shop. I'm talking about my time in a gift shop in Islington. The gift shop boys' hands are one tougher, aren't they? You've got your Bretton farmer, you've got your Cornish fisherman, and then just beyond that. Put it this way, have you ever lifted

and carried a Brabantia chrome bin from a stock room to a shop floor area? No, well neither have I, because that was one of my jobs. But... You weren't allowed to touch the chrome bins. You fucking dream on. That's manager level. You've carried a small cardboard box full of bunting though, haven't you?

Oh, yeah. That kind of thing. What was the big seller in the gift shop? The Brabantia bins were quite big sellers. The... It's the equivalent of a sort of hard mouse pad, but for a plate. What do you call that? What are they called? A placemat.

There you go. There you go. You've done well, Mike. I think you've got the touch. I mean, you describe everything starting from the point of a mouse pad anyway, don't you? Yeah, everything can be described as a full mouse pad. It's like a mouse pad, but it's got two wheels,

one at the front and handles, and you have to put petrol in it. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's it. It's like a giant wet mouse pad that covers over half of the outside. Yeah. It's just a jumping off point. It's helpful for you.

I'm not going to jump up your ass about it. It's fine. No, exactly. There were placemats with, I believe, watercolour illustrations of sea life on them. Those were quite big at the time. That's nice. And there was a cabinet, which I had the keys for,

which was sort of male-gifting. So... Oh, hello. It was now on the statute books. No, no, it was just... It was a criminal offence. I don't know if these things are still big, really, but at the time,

a Brevantia butt plug. Pedal operated. It was things like a pen, which is a torch. A torch, which you can write with. A torch pen. A diary, which is a torch. Cuff links, which are a torch. A pen, which is a cuff links.

It was all that sort of... Yeah, that kind of stuff. It was sort of gifts for Dad that people would struggle with. And Dad just wants to slice something up or light it up, doesn't he? Exactly. That's what he wants. They're like very low-level bond, you know, like rubbish things

that Q might give Bond. What's the cell of the space pen? Are you aware of the space pen? I tell you what, though, there was an underwater pen. Yes, I think it might be the same thing. Is the space pen the only pen you can use in space? It was apparently used on the Apollo missions and it can work out...

Because there's no gravity in space. Normally, with a biro, you need the gravity to pull the ink down. It somehow works up to the down. And that's a big Dad gift, if you've got no idea. But that's also a famous big Dad kind of tidbit of trivia, isn't it? Well, I mean, if you're a Dad,

if you're a provincial Dad, as I am, then you have ready to go at the drop of a hat. Well, of course. NASA spent millions of dollars developing their space pen, like a biro that could work. I'm telling you what the Soviets used. A pencil.

And any provincial Dad at the moment they become a father is issued with this tidbit of trivia and is able to deploy it. Like that. Yeah. So does that mean there are Russian pencil shavings that are just floating through space forever?

That's the main debris issue right now. That's what people write about, clocking up satellites. OK, so that's Henry. That's how he sees you. Crumbs are still on this, aren't we? Lastly, Mike has my firmest mental picture.

In that, he looks like Jeff Bridges in Dumb and Dumber. Hmm. OK. But with the understanding that he would be in charge if he was 30 years younger, he is likely sat at home in a tie and suit jacket, but probably just underpants

on underneath. Picture a more befuddled Boris Johnson. Oh, no, I don't like that. It's quiet. Don't put Boris Johnson in it, you bugger. There's quite a lot going on, though. It's a bit scattered on that one, isn't it? What does Jeff Daniels look like in...

Jeff Bridges. He's in Dumb and Dumber. It is Jeff Daniels, isn't it? He's not even... I think I know who's befuddled here. Well, based on that email, what do you think he looks like? What's he called this guy? You and Evans.

He's from Cardiff. The email was sent from his iPhone. If that helps us out. He's a high earner. It doesn't mind who knows it. I'm picturing Cerberus, the three-headed mythical Greek dog. Is that what you...

poking out of a Brabantia bin. You know, with the Brabantia bin, are they one of those brands that have, like, an insane guarantee where, on your death bed, you can kind of get them to bring you a new bin as you die? Yes. And they'll actually dispose of your corpse in the bin itself.

And your suns, suns, and your suns, suns, and your suns, suns, suns, can get a brand new bin lid if it gets to be too bright at any point. It feels like in that LaCruce world, you know, like how... If you buy a LaCruce, you've basically got a hot and cold cast iron for the rest of your life, if you want it.

And you own that wherever it lands, that is your territory. It's like an embassy or something. You could bring it to Kazakhstan, and you pop it on the floor and stand in it, and the authorities can't touch you. Because you're in your LaCruce. Right.

Come on, we've been gassing on for fucking ages. We have to the bean machine. It's been a good solid gassing. I mean, we can't gas on that long. So, let's turn on the bean machine. This week, in honour of our new website, 3bincellar.org, which at time of recording only carries adverts for dogmeats.

But hopefully, by the time you're listening to this, we'll have something on it. The bean machine is going fully digital this week. Oh. So, I've given my deep intestine the week off to lay fallow, to regenerate.

The break wasn't, the little mini break wasn't enough time for that. No. And so, we've put it on the cloud, essentially. We've kind of uploaded the mechanics of the bean machine into an online version. Into the metaverse. It's the first part of the metaverse.

It is. Is your large intestine. Currently, if you join the metaverse, all there is is a kind of avatar of Mark Zuckerberg playing my large intestine like a saxophone. Also, it's been confusing, isn't it, Ben? How does it actually work, the cloud?

So, does that mean the bean machine's on your laptop at the same time as up on the cloud? And where is the cloud? All that kind of, the past words has been nightmare, isn't it for you? No. Yeah, for you, the cloud is just second nature,

isn't it? There's just no... There's no difference between me and the cloud. We are as one. Whereas for you, you still assume it's to do with the post office. So, hang on. Where is this photo of Bluebell and how does it relate to the Royal Mail? Can you just please

explain it to me now? So, where do I put the stamp? OK. I don't have to lick the back of the stamp anymore. I get that now, OK? But what do I lick? Do I lick Bluebell? Do I lick you?

I can't lick an idea, OK? I tried that. I can't do it. OK, so, let's get it going. So, this week's topic, sent in by Rebecca from South West of Bremen.

Oh. Oh, nice. The southwest corner of the Old Quarter. Well, you can still see the old ladies making those long, very, very long loaves that they make. Don't they carry in their hats?

Don't they then carry in their hats? On holidays and holidays. Yeah. But to watch them rolling out those loaves. That's quite something. So, the topic is... Yeah. Exercise.

Something to which I think we all have different approaches. I think we've talked about Henry's in the past, haven't we? What my regime? Well, isn't yours sort of a weekly... Get it all done in one go, in one extremely intense fiver side match.

A bloody toned pulp by the end of it. Refreshed and renewed for the remainder of the week. That's right. That's what I do. The amount of injuries that I and everyone else doing it now have picked up is just ridiculous. I've got... I've just got... There's so many bits of me now that are sprained

or sort of permanently inflamed. I've got... My left ankle has got something which literally every physio I've ever shown it to has had to sort of sit down and go, bloody hell. Hang on. Hang on a minute. Is that...

This isn't one of Colin's tricks, is it? I often say it's something like that. You've got a cloven ankle. You've got the full backwards first. It's on the wrong way around. Yeah. The only advantage of that being you can wear two left shoes. Which means...

Which means that nicking shoes is a walk in the park. Of course, because left is actually technically right and backwards. Exactly. Which means that nicking shoes is a walk in the park. Although you won't... Generally, it's quite hard to get two of the same shoe but you're going to get two left

because they'll normally display one shoe. So it won't be the right size because they never display 11. Or style. Style. You've got to get what you can get. But you've got to get what you can get. You'll be wearing a wellie next to a stiletto. Yeah, sure.

So what I've got on my left ankle right is it looks like it's swollen. So it looks like a sprain which is obviously when all bones are linked together by ligaments, which are basically elastic bands. You stretch them too far like an elastic band. Is this taking you back to medical school, Mike?

They'll snap. They'll word for word. They'll snap and the body... Incredible, the body. It's like it's got little ambulances which are called blood cells. The passage roads through the veins, they get down there

and each one's got a small tool bag. Each one's got a small tool bag and they'll get to work. They'll flood the area with liquid, essentially, to create a kind of protective... Just like any paramedic would. Yeah. Have you seen a paramedic emergency?

Mostly they do. Just like any trap in the airway. Yeah. Any paramedic, they come down, they cover everything in liquid in a big bowl. A big plastic bowl. A big saw. Because once everything's suspended in liquid, it can't change.

Everyone can have a breather. Except the person in the liquid, ironically. OK. My ankle's swollen up as if it's but. Here's the weird thing. When you press it, it's completely hard. So it's essentially a hard ball. It's permanently there on my left ankle

and anyone I show it to, they're almost always aghast. Instant recoil. Instant recoil. And it's like the sack of liquid that my body put there to protect it has now ossified and sort of turned into bone or something.

Is that possible, Mike? That's going to slowly spread up the leg. Right. OK. Is that what happens? Until about five years time, it'll just be a solid, rock-solid, Henry-shaped bone. Like a fossil, essentially. Bloody hell. I think you're fossilising.

Yeah. I think he's right. But it's not just your ankle, is it? You're now at kind of full-body, shutdown stage. It sets off a chain reaction, then. Because once you've got one thing a bit weird, it means you're then stepping a bit weird. Before you know it, your lower back's getting involved.

Exactly. Then you've got your losing ballroom competitions left, right, and centre. Every time you cough, bits of cartilage are flying across the room. It all starts getting broken up on the inside. So those blood cells now have moved into a demolition phase, is what you're saying? Yeah.

They're now going with a condemned building. That's the other phase they can go into, which is let's just pack this stuff up. Let's get it ready for it. It's over. Let's just pack it up. Remove anything valuable. Yeah. And get the fuck out of here. Yeah. Hope he sneezes us onto a fox or something

and trying to make some inroads. You know what I mean? If we can start again somewhere else. They're going to build something within the fox using your cartilage from your... I don't know exactly how they work, blood cells, obviously, but I think obviously all... Are they going to build like a battle helmet for the fox?

Potentially. But all molecules, all organisms just want to survive, don't they? So the blood cells are no different. They'll just want to go and start again in someone else's body. Be that a fox or... But I tell you what, how this left ankle thing happened.

Which gave me this left ankle problem was peer pressure and I'll explain. Okay. Oh, this is... So basically it's a smoking hot start. It's a smoking hot start, isn't it? There's quite a lot to learn from this tale, I think. I was playing

a five-a-side game that I'd never played before. A friend of mine said, Henry, this is another game you can play on a Wednesday. Now, you know, at this point, I was in my late 30s. I had everything, you know, the world was at my feet.

Your gnarled feet? My gnarled, barely functioning feet. Which at that point we're both facing in the same direction. It was heady days. I was playing five-a-side games literally twice a week sometimes. I mean...

And there was a whole circuit you'd be on. When you're late 30s, this happens. It's like you've got a friend who's heard about a game the other side of town. You're like, yeah, I am free. Yeah, I'll go. You've got a network. There's a network and people are swapping games and going, you know, another guy's got a really bad cartilage problem on my game

on a Thursday. You've got at least three different coloured tabards you can wear. So you can just slot it. I've got tabards. I've got so many tabards. Anyway, so I turned up at this game I'd never been to before. So I didn't know any of the people there. So when you first play a five-a-side game and you don't know any of the other people there,

you know, you sort of want to impress them a little bit. So I was like, I came on to the pitch and obviously there's a bit of bravado at the beginning. There's like, oh, yeah. Michelle Pfeiffer. Don't mind if I do. Yeah. There'll be a lot of that stuff at the beginning.

But anyway, so there's a bit of bravado, right? You start the game starts and I'm trying to prove myself a little bit to these new guys, right? And what happens is I get on the pitch and You can use jargon with us. That's okay. What?

You know what I'm talking about, don't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Roughly, yeah. It's basically a flat a flat outdoor rectangle. Okay. About the size of football pitch?

Actually, no. No, it's about the size of a quarter of a football pitch or probably about 20 full size snooker tables. Okay. It's probably the easiest way to picture it. Yeah, got it.

And basically, with it, literally the first time I got the ball I got the ball, I passed it and I felt something go in my lower leg. I was like, oh, I've got a bloody sprain here. I think I've got a bloody sprain. But I thought, so really at that point I should have gone home.

It was a peer pressure. I think the idea that me getting onto a pitch with nine guys wanting to play five as I and instantly going, sorry guys, I've got to go home I've hurt my leg literally the first time I got the ball. I thought, I can't let this happen.

And I carried on, right? And I thought, maybe it's okay. Maybe I didn't feel something go in my lower leg. What are feelings anyway? You know? I mean, the whole body is basically an information system. Pain isn't real.

It's just a form of email. It's basically like an email with a red flag on it. Spam, isn't it? A lot of times it's spam. It's your body actually trying to manipulate you into doing what it wants. Or what about what I want? To fill in a survey. Exactly.

To tell you. Buy some dog meat. So I thought I'm going to pass it. Maybe it's okay. I got the ball again. And this time... And your knee shattered. It burst clean through your knee.

As if going through rice paper. My left leg from the knee down was hanging like a flag on a still day. It was just hanging off the bottom of my knee. But then what happened was the second time I got the ball and this time I did a pass

and I felt my lower left leg bone sort of fall onto the ground. I was like, hang on a minute. Normally... Normally my foot bone is in the way of the... in between the ground and the leg bone.

Even at that point rather than going home, I said to myself, can I just go and go? And I stayed for the rest of the game in goal. Allowing other men in their late 30s to pound

hard football repeatedly. Well, I'm pretty much holding on to the goal posts because my left leg was completely sort of inconsequential in the world of legs. You know what I mean? My left leg was an absolute non-leg.

Just a non-leg. Did they appreciate your stoicism and your heroism? None of them ever knew to this day. I did a full stiff upper lip sort of... Full toxic masculinity? I did a full toxic masculinity on it

and drove myself to the hospital using my left hand as my left foot. For the pedal. Biting my bottom lip which was wobbling unforgivably like some sort of damned child. It's only the upper lip that needs to be stiff

so the bottom lip can go for it. Can it go for it? That was my mistake. I didn't allow myself to cry and I did a thing which only British men can do which is my eyes started to cry internally. Where does it leak out?

It leaks out through the soft pallets generally. That's the release valve. How were you at PE at school? What was your PE memories, you guys? I was not in the kind of humiliation zone.

I wasn't in the handful of kids who just had real problems and looking back it just feels so brutal actually when you think about it. Do you know what I mean? I was not good at anything PE wise but I wasn't bad enough that I was in the kind of that level.

You know? Solidly mediocre. Yeah, I can identify with that. But looking back, PE lessons were so brutal. Do you not think? I don't know if yours were similar but something so grim about it, like it's hammering with rain, you have to go out onto a rugby pitch.

Did you have to do it in pens? In primary school a bit. That went into secondary school. That's doing pens. What? Yeah, certainly the early couple of years before puberty had really set in. Bear in mind it's a co-educational school so there's only so long they could really get away

with that. I certainly remember from the first couple of years you had to do it in pens and turned up in your proper PE kit. In pens? You mean just pens, don't you? That's what they meant, just pens. Oh yeah, yeah, just pens. Go back to the changing room, take whatever rubbish

you put on and just come back just in your pens and then do the lesson. I think if we forgot to bring our kit in there would just be some kits that they had in the back of a cupboard. But it was always really grim. It was a kit that someone would sort of shat themselves in and then, oh yeah

and kept intentionally driven. Yes, the kid who was sick over there, shorts. We'll keep that just so that's perfect. Put it in the box. Yeah, I've never been good at any sport. What I find kind of distressing is as an adult as soon as I try and do

any sort of exercise or sport I feel exactly the same way because I am that way. I'm never going to be good at anything. I'm never going to be that fit. I really enjoyed cycling for a while and then I went cycling with people who were good at cycling and I was like, oh, bollocks.

And now I've kind of gone off it. And then you feel like that's the way you're supposed to do it if you're doing it for exercise rather than just having a nice little poodle down the side of a river somewhere. It kind of ruined it, yeah. When I realised I was actually not very good at it and I was a lot slower than everyone else.

I was a basket. Full of baguettes. Exactly, yeah. It doesn't make any sense. My cheese knives. A basket full of baguettes and cheese knives and you just wanted to cycle around just greeting

people running market stalls and vickers and lollipop ladies and stuff with delightful sweet nothings whispered in French, didn't you? Just trying not to get your silk scarf caught by the wheel that's the only thing we're worried about. Yeah. Hello, Mr. Lollipop Lady.

Do-do-do-do. Fa-la-la-la-la-la. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la. Do-do-do-do-do. That's what you wanted, wasn't it? Contrast that with... Speed. Speed.

If you can't crack a crab in half between your butt cheeks you're not cycling hard enough. Ring the crab bell. Yeah, because when I put the crab in between my butt cheeks it just sort of... It liked it. It was warm. It was slightly damp. It just felt at home.

It's a bit of blue cheese. It inspired that crab, didn't it? That crab was like, you know, it's going to be a new lease for life, this. I hope we're going to go and do some watercolors on the bank side. Well, when I was at school, I was... Okay, basically, I wanted to be good at football.

I was so bad at football that I wasn't in the... Obviously, I wasn't in the main team. I was... I was then demoted into the B team. And then I was demoted out of the football system into

six spare boys. So there wasn't... There wasn't enough of us to create a full-size football team or even, yeah, to play each other. So there were six of us and we were put in the corner of the fields while everyone else played proper football.

But I... I actually wanted to play football. I wanted to be good. And I thought this could be the ultimate rags-to-riches American Dream story if I could get promoted from the six boys in the corner of the fields. Into the B team.

Into the B team. But bear in mind, I'm outside of the football system. There's no sponsorship. There's no sponsorship. There's no coverage. There's no scouts. There's no paper trail. It's literally chucking the shittest ball we've got and just literally

forget about them. Your challenge was to make enough... enough noise, basically, that someone noticed you. I had to make enough noise. And so what I tried to do was I tried to turn around these six kids. Because basically it was a bit like In the Kingdom of the Blind. I was...

I was a vaguely functional human. The underbelly dweebs. A boy called Simon who just liked looking into the middle distance. All right. They weren't renegade these guys. They weren't trying to light up spliffs in the corner of the playing field.

Those guys would be playing football. These were computer club. Some of them just wanted to have a little amble around and enjoy the air and maybe discuss the enlightenment. That kind of thing. But they were from the 1500s.

They were from the 1500s. All the big guys from the 1500s were there. Hamilton Voltaire Columbus Columbus and George Washington. I was like, let's get these powdered wigs off

and let's start... Let's put those falcons away Sure, we could peregrinate around the grounds all day. Perambulate. I like the new verb to peregrinate. That's good. Lovely.

To amble with a peregrine falcon on your wrist. It's a wonderful way of taking the airs in Geneva this winter. At this stage, I would like to issue an apology. You would have just heard that

myself and Mike were slightly ribbing Henry there for saying peregrinate. Sure, we could peregrinate around the grounds all day. I think we felt that he was meaning to say perambulate,

which he does correct to. And then we kind of have fun with the idea that he's made up a verb to peregrinate, meaning to carry a falcon on your arm as you walk around. However, I've just checked the dictionary

and peregrinate is a word. It means to go for a walk. And so Henry was correct. And really, I need to apologize to him. Hi Henry. Hi. So I'm editing

this week's episode and there's a bit in it where you use the word peregrinate to mean to wander around. And then me and Mike slightly kind of take the piss out of you slightly or we think

that you've made up the word to mean to walk around with a peregrine falcon on your arm. Yeah, I remember that. So I've just looked it up and it turns out that peregrinate really is a word that means to go for a walk. Really?

What I would like to clear up is when you use that word, did you know that's what it meant or were you reflecting on the fact we were talking about falcons and then making up your own verb? You know what, I don't know

where I got that word from but I saw it somewhere inside me. It's possible that I coined it live and it has already been pre- coined, I suppose. What, you coined it and it instantly went into the online dictionary? So that's the power

of calling in the modern age. So when me and Mike were kind of having a bit of a laugh and saying, oh, you've made a proverb for walking around with a falcon on your arm, were you thinking these guys are twerps? No, I was thinking

I think I'm a twerp. I actually I'm just looking at it and it's very nice, but it is a word because I I totally bought into what you guys were saying. I was thinking that you idiot can be an idiot

making up words you idiot. What's wrong with you anyway? That sort of felt inside. So how do you feel now that I'm basically a pauldre to use what I'm doing? I feel I'm grateful that you've done this.

I think it shows that you're sending a great amount of Mike. It hasn't chosen to make this call. Yes. And I doubt well. And I think it shows that you're I mean, I appreciate it. I did feel like a bit of a wallow

when I heard it. OK, well I'm glad to have like I'm glad to have given you a bit of sucker and Great. OK. I'm going to go back to my edit now. Bye.

And I would try to get us to actually play properly. I was like, you go in goal and we'll do three and in. I would try and sort of organise us. And I was hoping that one of the teachers who was in charge of one of the games literally quite far in the distance here

would at one point just turn around and see me you know, nutmegging. George Washington. Not making George Washington. I'd be like, we need that kid. But I did. I did just because I had a few friends in the main team. I did once get on as a sub

in a proper game. And that's the midpoint of the movie. I found it very hard to keep track of what was going on. There was a lot of big there was a lot of big boys running around. I knew two things. One was

the boys could hurt me if I touched them. Yeah. The second thing was I had a very, very thin. I was totally beanpole. My body was, it was like Mikado sticks, like my limbs. It was really, really thin and brittle. I was very, very thin and brittle. On the buff Turkish

masseur we see today. Exactly. And also the ball, I was also aware that the ball was very, very painful and I was actually quite afraid of the ball when it was kicked by anyone other than George Washington or possibly Voltaire. So whenever the guy did

a goal kick I would do this thing where because that means the ball goes really high in the air. So when it comes down, if you're going to win that ball with your head or your arm or not your arm, your leg Yeah. It was going to hurt a lot.

So what I've tried, I mastered this technique which was to look at the ball as it was sailing through the air from the goal kick and to sort of look as if I was both going for it going to try and reach the ball but at the same time moving in the opposite direction from the ball. Like an optical illusion.

Great. If you're anywhere near the ball then you have to go and win it. But obviously you can't be seen running away from the ball in football. It's one of the no-knows. Yeah. You can bring yourself into a mirage. So I would back away.

Oh, is that Henry? Or is that a rabbit's face? Or is that two old women looking at each other? Or a vase? Is that a moebius strip made of flash? And people passing civilians

who were just walking to and from the shops or whatever would say they'd seen a boy running on the spot and then they saw two sombreros or was it some boobies? Yeah. So, yeah. Exercise. We've seen to mainly concentrate on childhood exercise.

It was childhood exercise. But for me, that has my adult exercise is really minimal compared to that. There's not much to talk about, is there? In summer, everybody exercise. Responsibly enjoy that exercise, everyone. Hopefully that's inspired you to. Remember, it tends to lead to injury.

So, yeah. Unless, of course, that one of advertisers turns out to be connected to. Let's go, Peloton. Brought to you by Eugenides Shuttlecocks. Eugenides Eugenides needs these

Shuttlecocks. When you start cocking them, you can't stop Shuttlecocking them. When you pop one out of the canister with its You know it's time

to Shuttlecock. To minton. Good minton itself. How you... Made using the feathers of only naturally dead seagulls. These guys died of old age.

Or were run over. But not deliberately. And it's a coincidence if they were run over by anyone who works for Eugenides Badminton Shuttlecocks. Now introducing the Eugenides logo.

It's... Taking the logo later on, I think. Well, hopefully Eugenides will be in touch, even if they haven't officially paid for that. We should invoice them, should we? I've always thought we could approach advertising

by doing the advertising first and seeing if we can pick up the payment later. Yeah. Great. Well, let's all crack open a can of Diet Fanta in that case.

Which is what we always do, right guys? Before we open our cache of letters, which we've got Fanta sprinkled all over. What's that? I'm going to sprinkle down the little aperture on my Fanta can to make it even a bit nicer. Some Schwartz Cumin.

Ooh, now it's like a trip to Asukin, Morocco. Oh, and all served in one of Uncle Jumbo's special plastic flower pots. Two for one. And remember, Morocco is the perfect place to visit

if you want a water skiing holiday. Stop patronising me and start patronising me. So, we need to tell our listeners about the fact that we started doing adverts, but we have

started a Patreon page. Yes, advert-wise, confusingly, if you're outside of the UK, I don't think you will have received any adverts. Oh. They just get the breaks. I think they'll get a

0.4 second break. Which they can enjoy. Well, I would strongly advise them to put in their own adverts just like in their imagination. Exactly. Or it wouldn't need to be a whole advert. It could just be just a couple of frames

of some of their favourite products. Yeah, and they've got no problem with that in America, have they? Because that's just part of... Yeah. Capitalism is part of life. Everyone has established it. There's no embarrassment about going in. We don't have that luxury, so we have inherent

embarrassment about... Yes. We're finding it a bit embarrassing, aren't we? It's a bit like, oh, God. But this thing exists. So this is a voluntary thing. It's important that people know that no one is going to be bashing down the door.

No one is going to be seizing your car if you fail to sign up to Patreon. But if you need a further bean feast beyond what is on offer, then there it is. Yes, you get an extra...

You get an extra episode, don't you? Oh, God. Try that again. Well, Patreon... Patreon is a great way for you to support the creators who make the things that you love. Oh, lovely, lovely, lovely. Yeah. Try and do something like that, Henry.

You know how, when you go down your local sandwich shop... No. No. No. Or maybe... Maybe an open... An open... An open casket funeral.

An open casket funeral. An open... A beef bourguignon sandwich or whatever a closed... A what, sorry? A beef bourguignon sandwich. Closed manuka smoked salmon... Whatever your sandwich tipple is, you go down your sandwich shop, don't you?

And you hand over a bit of money, don't you, for that sandwich? Well, these three jokers here, a couple of months, yeah? So, basically, we're not going to sell the sandwiches individually, but if you want, you can essentially stream

in a way where you can rent... Very, very thin ice. You can subscribe to the sandwich shop. Other people can come in as well and get sandwiches for free. What we've been doing outside our... We've been giving away free coleslaw outside the sandwich shop, which we'll continue to do

into your bare hands. If four large spoonfuls of coleslaw into your bare hands per month isn't enough. There'll be sections of coleslaw which, when we're transferring it from the large vac into your hands, will fall onto the floor. We're going to collect those up.

They will be reclaimed and hosed down. They'll be hosed down. And you'll be able to get a fifth portion of that coleslaw per month, which... That's a portion of coleslaw that's had a story to tell, right? Oh, yeah.

It's been trampled on, it's been pecked up by birds. Dead skin? Obviously, 70% of coleslaw is dead skin anyway, but there'll be additional dead skin. I think we're getting distracted from the task in hand. Ben, could you do the honors and... Because I think you've got them in front of you,

the actual physical details of the Patreon. Yes. There are three tiers of Patreon. Good. The Haricobene. It's a good versatile bean, ideal in salads.

You can heat it up, you can add some tomato to it. I'd recommend, Ben, that you speed this up to reduce the chances of Henry interjecting. No, I wanted someone to set the scene about the Haricobene. So, it's a French bean,

it's versatile, but in terms of the Patreon, if you become a Haricobene, you get an ad-free version of the podcast, unless you're American. Unless you're American. In which case, what do they get? They no longer get the 0.4 second gaps.

OK. So, if you want a truly seamless experience of the podcast, that's the only way to get it. So, is that the only way to get it with no ads, and without the 0.4 second gap? Yeah, that's the Haricobene level. It's a good level. It's a good level.

It's a great level, that's it. Because some people, when we announced we were going to have adverts, some people got in contact to say, this is a problem for me, because I listen to this as I sleep. Ah. Which we have talked about before,

we have mentioned that we do find this. Tugely offensive. We do. It does chip away. Every time it just chips a little, a little more, doesn't it? And there's that sense that at some point,

they'll be the final chip and will just fall apart. Yeah. OK, next tier. Which is exciting, I think. Pinto bean tier. Ooh. It's a freckly bean. It's good in a wrap.

It's good in a salsa. It was good with a salsa, or in a salsa, or after a salsa. But not before. Not before. You get ad-free versions. Or if you're in the US, 0.4 second gap, free versions.

You also get a monthly bonus episode. Extra beans. What? Oh, I didn't feel like I ate enough beans this month. Oh, I didn't feel like I ate enough beans this month. Well, don't worry. Here come some more extra beans. Bonus app.

Your bowl will be heaped full. I would say it's the tier for the completist. Yeah. If you want. And you're not afraid to reach out and take it. But why shouldn't you look great at the same time? To me. Yes, the pinto bean tier will also give you

a fine sheet of glossy hair. Although we're unable to promise where exactly that will grow out. You'll get a sort of hormone pack in the post. Just rub that onto your scalp or back. And overnight, you'll sprout a beautiful golden mane.

Why not try an elbow beard? Give it a walk around the park. Don't judge it till you've tried it. Like a sort of tasseled cowboy jacket. Yeah, exactly. And finally. And the final level is... We know we've got a number of listeners

who are premium level people. We've got Deutsche Bank executives. The kind of people who wake up in Stuttgart, go to bed in Bremen, wake up again, they're in Hamburg. Yeah.

They'll have lunch in Woking. They've got ice sculptures in their ensuite toilets. They've got aquariums in their aquariums. They've got a quarrier but with air in it inside their aquarium. So they've actually got

like terrapins and lizards and stuff. Like outdoor animals. Dry land animals. Inside an aquarium. And it's called a Drinarium. Well, it's like a panda trapped in a sort of... Trapped in a horrifying universe.

Surrounded by like sharks and like dolphins and crabs. They're in a kind of Hannibal Lecter style glass coffin, essentially. A Drinarium. And that's why it's so expensive and so rare. So that tea is called the Sean Bean

level named after Sean Bean. And if like Sean Bean you enjoy the finer things in life the top tier you get the ad-free episodes, you get the bonus episode. You also get a little mention on the podcast. You get mention on the podcast.

You're the kind of people who wherever you live it constantly smells of hot, hot camembert. Because you've always either been roasting a camembert or eating a roast camembert. Or you've had one thrown at you.

Or you've had one thrown at you. By a panda rights activist. By a panda. Or a disgruntled employee. Or you've got a foot infection. Or you've got a very angry foot infection from all the polo

that you play in volcanoes. Dangerous combo. Yeah. We have to cater to those people, of course. Yes. So that's patreon.com forward slash three bean salad.

Yeah, help us out. Do it if you want to. And if you don't want to or if you can't then don't worry about it. I would say. But you know, you can always borrow. They all be finance packages.

Payday loan guys. Yeah. There's street loans out there. There's trade in your gold all those things, aren't there? There's loan sharks. People will forget about loan sharks. There's loan sharks, payday loans. Contacts your local mob.

Yeah. Any coastal town in the UK if you go to Dockside Bar and ask around very quickly you'll be put in touch with the representative of loan shark. It'll not be like a one-eyed jack or a one-eared peach. Watch your six though, kids.

That's the problem. You can end up waking up on a destroyer. On a Portuguese destroyer. Yeah. Bound for go. They're trying to take it back. Yeah.

And you don't want to be learning how to pilot a submarine on the fly. You know what I mean? It's the motto of the Portuguese Navy. It leaves something in translation.

It's still an important point. Also, loan sharks, much like actual sharks, have got a very bad name. Loan sharks, for one thing, they've never killed, as far as we know, they very rarely kill people,

actually. They don't have to be constantly moving. They don't sleep walking around. Just something to bear in mind. They need to be in a chain mail suit in a cage to go and see a loan shark. No, that's a shark. There are certain things

where people get mixed up between the two. Just wear some light body armour and probably arm yourself, I'd say. Yeah, you'd want to be packing heat. Yeah. So if you can't stretch it just simply at some point, maybe just shout thanks

into the wind. It'll be really appreciated. Also, by all means, have a tipple on the horses. A tipple? A tippable? Flutter. Have a small glass of sherry on a horse.

Have a sip of rum on a Shetland pony. Have a sip of sherry on a Shetland pony. And it'll put everything into perspective. It'll put things into perspective. Because when you feel that warming liquid go down your throat and those muscular, shiny,

while the buttocks in back of that pony throbbing between your legs. It'll give you that. It might give you back that sense of zest that you maybe felt was lacking. And it's probably a sign that the Shetland pony needs a break. Shetland pony

or a setting needs a break at that point. And that'd be a good point to put out your phone. Go to patreon.com. Join up at a tier that suits you. Oh, very nicely done, Ben. Well done. I've also made a little jingle, as is our way.

Oh, for the Patreon? Oh, nice. Here we are. Patreon.com It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon Patreon

Patreon.com Patreon.com Quite menacing. It's my first note. Yeah. It's imbued with more threat than most of your your jingles, I would say.

Do you think it strikes the right tone? Well, I feel edgy. Do you want people to feel like a bit panicky and that they need to grab onto one of these tears or they'll perhaps sort of be swept up in the River Styx and sort of washed into Hades?

The phrase, who pays the ferryman? I mean, very... Normally, it's negative connotation, isn't it, when that phrase comes up. Yeah. Well, the alternative is if you don't pay the ferryman, you don't end up in Hades. Is that what the ferryman's to do with?

I think he takes you to the River Styx. Yeah, he takes you to the afterlife. That's the one, isn't he? Yeah. So, yeah, you could just not pay him and then you wouldn't have to go to Hades. It's win-win, isn't it? Unless he makes you just stay on the boat for a few weeks

and do some sort of basic sort of skiv-juices, tip out the slops. And believe you me, Cerberus has been in there. Oh. Yeah. No one cleans up after Cerberus. And he's been eating all the chocolates off the Christmas tree and it's...

And a lot of people didn't know this about this. He's also got three anus. He's tripled up at both ends. So, there we have it. Thank you for listening to that. That's our very slick sales pitch for our Patreon. Yeah. Main thing to remember is if you want ad-free episodes

or if you want extra stuff, extra bonus episodes, that's the place to go. But look... Uh-oh. There's a reason they call it the economy, yeah? People put stuff in and they take stuff out. Yeah. By all means, enjoy it for free.

But then put something back in again. Or take it out. Or take it out. Yeah. But, yeah, pick a side, basically. And leave the toilets as you found them. Yeah. And regardless of which Patreon tier you subscribe to,

you can still get that 20% off at the Dragon Soup Cafe. Oh, God. It doesn't affect that. It doesn't affect that. Stop. That's yours. Just by dint of being a listener.

Stop. I'm putting a stop to this. No mocker or hot chocolate. I'm putting a stop to this now. Patreon.com. Okay, emails. Time for your emails. Thank you for everyone who sent us an email. To www.3beansaladpod.gmail.com

Let's start with Listener Bollocking of the Week. This one, I like. This is an example of what we're looking for, I think, because as Tom sends it in, he describes it as a very light bollocking. I think that's what we want to foster here. It's not about barricading us.

We're three hard-working men doing our best. But we will take a light bollocking at times. That's fine. Tom says, Hello Beans, this is a very mild bollocking aimed at Mike. Ah, okay. You ready?

Oh, what will? What will happen next? Absolutely. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Henry says, Shard and Freud are to maximum. Yeah. Bring it on.

I'm ready. Accessing Listener Bollocking. Bollocking Loading. Listener Bollocking of the Week. Listener Bollocking of the Week. Bollocking Loaded. So, you made reference to

a marine life center in Torquay in a previous episode. He writes, Sadly, the marine life center in Torquay brackets living coasts close brackets

did not survive the pandemic. Oh, no. Yours, Tom. Didn't know that. That's a mild bollocking. I don't think that's desperately sad. So, they've just sort of taken out a big old broom and swept everything into the sea. The problem was you

couldn't apply for the furlough scheme if you were a ray. No. Well, the trouble is that you had to prove that you had been a ray since at least November 2019. And obviously rays didn't have any sense of time.

And they don't have crucially tax returns. We don't have tax returns either. So, it's very hard to prove you are a ray. Every time I went there, I told the rays. I told them. I told them. Get an accountant. Get an accountant. Just get it done properly. Yeah. Henry, you remember,

you were the recipient of the first bollocking. We were the first listener bollocking from last series. That was to do with ice cubes and solids and stuff. You hit back quite hard. So, you bollocked back and hard. Yeah, I did bollock back.

He's bollocks back from your bollock back. Oh, no. I, yes. Are you ready? Oh, yeah. No, I feel like I'm gleefully rubbing my hands. I must say, yes. All right, let's see what he's got. It's Walter from Austria.

Yeah. Rackets PhD. He says, hi there. It's solid glass Walter. I'll be mad enough to admit that Henry got me by cleverly pointing out that the solid turns into a liquid if you apply heat to it. I made a point. I can't dispute. Yes.

In this sense, if you heat up the shard, it will indeed turn into some sort of weird smooth nipple. Best regards, Walter. So, that's not the bollocking back. He took the bollocking in good face. Very noble. And he replied with that, which I thought was very noble. Very noble. It shows good character on

the part of Walter. Is there a P.S. coming then, or how does it be? Yes, okay. So, that first email was sent at 11.28 a.m. Then he stewed on it a bit. Hmm. He waited until the following day. 6.39 a.m.

Oh, dear. He had his sleepless nights. He's taken a walk around Lake Geneva, hasn't he? The number of nights I've stewed on Henry Peck. He's stewed. That's the time you crack. Where's he from again? He's a master, so he probably hasn't walked around

Lake Geneva. Oh, he's probably walked around the Vienna town centre there, hasn't he? Yeah. So then he's got to his computer at 6.39 a.m. sleepless. His eyes bleary. P.S.

Also, Henry, if you're so clever... Oh, God. Why don't you just pour yourself a nice... Sorry. Also, Henry, if you're so clever... Why don't you just pour yourself...

Sorry! I'm so pleased with this. I'm ready, by the way. I've got myself in the pouring position. I'm ready to do it. So I just need to know what I'm pouring. Sorry. I find this so amusing.

Also, Henry, if you're so clever... Why don't you just pour yourself a nice glass of glass? glass of glass. Because it's oh so liquid, smiley emoji, best regards Walter. Well, it's the old, it's the glaziest paradox, isn't it? He's having some fun with the glaziest paradox. And I you know, I'd off my hat and yeah, pour yourself a glass of glass. It's glaziers the world over. We'll often toast each other with a glass of

glass and their Christmas dues, which is which is why you know, there are less and less glaziers. It's very hard to find the right glass to serve those in all the temperatures of the glass. Oh, God. Well, you need, yeah, you'll need heat proof glass. Walter must have felt so much better after sending that. Yeah. Oh, a new man. He must have done having stews all night and taken it and taken it in the kind of very civilized manner. But you knew that he couldn't really take it.

What did he achieve that day after he'd said that I just wonder he would have been turning heads just bouncing down the streets of Vienna, full of beans. Yes, I mean, lovely, lovely stuff. Thank you, Walter. So that I think I think that has brought that bollocking to an end probably. I think that's I think, I think bollocking complete. Oh, the bollocking circle is closed. Checkmate Walter, I'd say. Well, you know, Oh, you're not gonna let it lie, Henry.

Yeah, he's got you. No, it's checkmate. It's checkmate. Yeah. Henry's saying that now. Do you think he's going to have a sleepless night and then tomorrow morning at 6am? Oh, could be release a podcast at 6am. He'll ring us and say get on the podcast, guys. Okay, it's now time to work out this week's theme tune. Thank you to everyone who sent in a version of our theme tune. Of course, if you'd like to do so, please do send it into three bean salad pod at gmail.com. So let me read

out the genres and we can pick by genre. So we've got laid back modern jazz. Yep, we've got violin, we've got bluegrass, we've got guitar, we've got Jazzy Weinbar version. Maybe keep it simple. Let's go with guitar. Okay, lovely. So this has been created by Fern, Fern writes, I've attached my rendition of your theme tune that I spent a rather large portion of time on instead of doing uni work. So I hope you like it. Excellent. So she's jeopardised her education for this. Thank you.

Uni sucks though, right? But guitar rocks, guitar rock. And also long term, it probably is more important to focus on the uni stuff actually. So do, do do focus on the uni stuff, even though it does totally suck, right? I wish I was just playing rock. She writes, I'm no musician by any means. I have unfortunately never been in a Depeche Mode tribute band, but I have managed to grasp the basics of guitar in my 21 years of life. Of course, I

wanted to the piece to reflect the tone of the podcast. So naturally, I went for a soothing lo-fi theme that we can all listen to on repeat whilst falling asleep, dreaming about our final crab evolutions. Again, there's this theme of us being used as a sleeper. Yes. Keeps creeping back. Which just will not go away. That does come through in the emails quite a lot. Is there some way between we need to make it a bit more intense or is

there any way of maybe adding a sort of cockerel screech every every sort of five seconds or something? Is there some way of strobe? Maybe a strobe. How in the world's first ever audio strobe? An audio strobe. I think so. We'll get on with that in the meantime. Thank you very much Thanks, Fern. And also looking at the email again, I've realized it isn't actually a guitar edition at all. So let's

see what it is. And thank you, listener for listening this week. We'll see you again. Goodbye. Bye.