Three Bean Salad - Feudalism

Episode Date: June 26, 2024

Is it true what they don’t say that the world is on the brink of sliding back into a system of feudalism? If so where will you be in the pecking order? And more importantly where will podcasters be? Clergy level? Perhaps Cody from America has a take on all this? Perhaps not. Perhaps definitely Cody asked the beans to discuss feudalism and they did after a fashion.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladWith thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Merch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [e-mail] @beansaladpod

It was my birthday yesterday. Happy Bon Jo Day to you. Happy Bon Jo Day to you. This is a nice sultry version. We've got a bit Marilyn Monroe. Happy Bon Jo Day dear old Bon Jovi, may your evil empire last a thousand years. Until the skies cry with blood. Until the skies cry with blood. See Marilyn Monroe didn't do that bit for JFK.

She didn't did she? Not publicly. You know the thing of her getting wind up her skirt? Which we've all tried to reproduce, haven't we? We've all tried. And it's very hard with chinos, isn't it Mike? You've tried it with chinos, haven't you? Well I even had some special bell bottom chinos made for me especially, to try it but even

then it can't. You just get a sort of tight windsock feeling. And it's very misleading to passing aircraft. That's right. We've all tried it by sort of farting in the swimming trunks. Basically that's the closest I've come. That's the nearest a lot. Well, also the natural, it's that natural bulbous swelling you get in your swimming trunks when you really know you're on holidays.

Now that's the feeling, you know, when you're in the sea, suddenly you've got a huge bulbous swelling in your trunks and you're like, I didn't get this feeling in my usual nine to five grind. Yeah. Well, there's no jellyfish at the office, are there? There's no jellyfish. You don't get that. It's that thing of, it's that thing that happens over and over again in life, which is that nothing can be perfect. It's like a British shorthair cat, perfect, but the claws and the vengeful attitude. And the anal glands that you have to manually express. And the horrific, utterly horrific,

relentlessly discharging, ordeal, anal glands, relentlessly discharging, anal glands, around the other side. But on the front, you've got a beautiful, the most beautiful face you can imagine. If you imagine flattening out Timothy Chamomile's face, already quite flat,

which is even flatter than it is. You don't want to convex it. If you convex it, you're going to hammer it back through with the softest hammers you can buy. It's very hard to buy soft hammers. No, but even an apprentice panel beater could get that flat in under an hour. Where's what? It's one of your first, as in panel beating college, one of your first sort of...

They give you a wax shallow head. They give you a wax Chalamet head. They give you a wax Chalamet and everyone's got one for the year. And by the end, they're having a lot of fun chucking bits of Chalamet nose around. You know, you beat half of your sandwich and you'll find a Chalamet ear in it, whatever. It's just a bit of banter, isn't it? Yeah. So yeah, but it's that trade off, isn't it? So a cat, a cat is sweet, but it has the claws. It's a bit like the front of a restaurant is lovely.

Yes. If you look into the claws. It's a bit like, the front of a restaurant is lovely. If you look into the kitchen, it's horrific. Yeah, it gets worse and the further through you go, the worse it gets. It has to give off an equal, an equal, but it's basically Newtonian. It's basically Newtonian physics, isn't it? Do tell. Well, every action has an equal and opposite reaction. So if an apple falls off a tree somewhere else on earth, an apple is falling up off

the ground onto a tree. That's what he meant. That's what he meant. But, you know, it's every every action has equal opposite reactions. So a restaurant that makes lovely, lovely, fine smelling foods, taste is a form of smell, isn't it? It's just a liquid smell. Yeah, I'll give you that. So the gaseous smells the same thing. Same face receptors. And touch is a haptic smell. That's right. And sound is a sonic smell. Yeah, it's a conceptual smell.

It's a conceptual smell. So what ideas are a conceptual smell? Anyway, the point I'm making is, yeah, so as you say Ben, the back end of a restaurant will have an equal and opposite smell to the front end and it'll be absolutely rank. And actually the finer the restaurant, the more rank the smell out of the back weirdly. So do we have to assume that someone has blue tacked a turd to the back of the Mona Lisa or at least being sick down the back of the canvas? Well, that's why Mike, you never see around the back, do you? What is around the back?

We must never see it. It's a horror show, but basically every in the Louvre, every, well, the reason it's called the Louvre is because every gallery room has a Lou, a French Lou around the other side, doesn't it? So each painting has a stall, as a sit down shit box, whatever you want to call it. has a, as a stall, as a sit down shit box, whatever you want to call it, a stall that applies to it, doesn't it? So if you've had a dump in the Louvre, you may have been... And your turds goes directly then onto the back of the paint. It's forced onto the back of the paint. That's right. And it contributes to the arts.

It forces on to keep the equal and opposite, the balance, the Newtonian balance in check. The thing behind restaurants that I always see that for some reason I cannot abide is when you see like a huge 50 litre sort of bucket of mayonnaise. Do you know what I mean? And you can't abide just not taking it home with you. You have to. Now I know what you mean, what the quantity of it makes it rank. There's already too many tubs. Yeah, if you look at the skip behind the restaurant, there's too many tubs of mayonnaise or pre-prepared. There's too many tubs exactly in tubs.

Whatever source it is. There's just liters and liters. It's various different densities of gelatin. Isn't it? Mostly you can actually, uh, you know, like a, a French, um, French restauranteur can sort of play you a song by wobbling with different jellies cause they wobble at a different frequency. If you're ever wooed if you're lucky enough to be wooed by a French restaurant you may have to Yeah, that's how I met my wife.

Do not help yourself to the finger buffet until I finish the gelatine serenade. Yeah, so it's an amazing sight to see, just by setting off the wobbles at different rates. But it's true that restaurants, it's why they say never visit a sausage factory, isn't it? It's the same thing. The thing is that the sausage that comes out the front of the sausage factory is also disgusting. I know, that's one of the... So it might be that sausage factory is actually quite nice. It might be staffed by some of the most handsome sausage makers. They might be the sexiest people on earth.

Glistening golden forearms. Okay boys, another day at the sausage factory. Looking good Steve. Oh nice pecs. I love what you've done with your abdomen. Yes. So every nice experience has to have its kind of, so every snorkeling experience has to have its anemones. Is that what they're called? Anemone is an, you see that, is that an egg? I think they're a positive. Anemone. Oh. You'd be pleased to see one, wouldn't you? Because then you've seen something, haven't

you? When I go snorkelingling that's the only thing I ever see. I'm sorry an enemy is a good which are the ones that are black and spiky orcas. See urchin I'm talking about. See it's just a black ball with spikes it's just pure malevolence there's no way death is guaranteed death and this thousands of them scattered so you having this lovely time but also guaranteed death is waiting for you. I want to rewind slightly because you were talking about the bulbous... The bulbous trunk swelling. Yeah. Yes, we never necessarily clarified exactly what that was.

Can we just be very clear, you're not talking about getting a boner on holiday. Okay. I thought you were talking about your first holiday boner. Yeah. I thought it was a trapped guff. I wasn't sure which end of the, or side of the trunks we were talking. I don't know what it is, but it's some sort of... It's unsavoury, whichever way you look at it, isn't it? Yeah. I don't know.

I think it's kind of briny bubble, air bubble that gets created. Yeah. I know what you mean exactly. Yeah. If you're wearing the shorts and they kind of, you jump in and then you're just left with a huge bubble underneath your shorts. Yeah. So it's not, you haven what you mean exactly. Yeah, if you're wearing the shorts and they kind of jump in and then you just left with a huge bubble underneath your shorts. Yeah. And it's not you haven't had an accident. No, not necessarily. I think generally you point it out to the people with you. And I think it's seen as a moment that is funny, sort of deeply human and just the tiniest

bit ribald, but no one, no one exactly knows why it's just that this is. I'm quite worried though that Mike's never had this experience. Are you wearing sort of skin tight leather sea trousers? Yes. And I also have a sort of a waist level gill valve that releases any additional, I had that installed quite a few years ago, releases any additional gas. Well it's think like an eel, behave like an eel, dress like an eel, isn't it? That's your three watch words for a successful holiday. Dive, dive, dive!

Because eels successfully transmigrate the known world, don't they, in order to spawn. So essentially that's basically a holiday, isn't it, in a way. I remember being in Northern Ireland once and I was by a lake and they were saying, oh, the eels in this lake, they spend half the year here spawning and then they go to like the South Atlantic and it's thousands of miles. And then every year they come back and they find the exact same place. I just thought, why bother? Just stay here. So were these eels? These were eels, yeah.

So where did they start off again? Northern Ireland. And they went all the way to? Somewhere else. And where were you? I was in Northern Ireland. I was spawning as well, you see. I would turn to the same lake every year. So why are you hanging around with these eels in the first place? Because I was fertilising them. Was this your last year, Ben, when none of us could get in touch with you? We were all very worried about you. And we fear that you hang out with Northern Irish eels. I told people you were hanging out with Northern Irish eels, but a lot of people wouldn't believe me.

Here he comes, it's your old friend Eel He lives his life with uncommon zeal Although most things fall outside his scope Cos he's a fish and he's a roe Yeah Who's following these eels? Who's keeping track of this? Can't tag an eel, can you? They're famously slippery. It's not like putting a hook around a talon on an eagle. They're very slippery. You can put one in a bucket though, quite easily. Oh yeah. Which is much harder with an eagle. That's their Achilles heel, isn't it, really is an animal. It's very buck as a bull. One of the most bucket of animals going.

Honestly, if you just wade into any group of eels. And this could be top eels we could be talking about the essay as a feels absolute top top evil hit squad. Just wade into them with a bucket and you'll be walking out with their leader, their leader's family. But then you're just in a situation we've got head to head with Neil. Do you want that? Do you want a bucket of yours? Do you want a bucket of yours? The answer's no. I don't know if I've ever eaten a Neil in my entire life. Really? Yeah. I've enjoyed Neil. Yes. I am. And as a Londoner, surely. You go down the Roman road. Of course.

Yeah. Jelly deal. Yeah. No, yeah. Jelly deals. It's, I mean, there isn't, there isn't even a phrase. Don't go into a Neil jellying facility because it doesn't need to be one. It'll be completely defunct.

No, yeah. I think jelly deal is one of the, it's one of the most unappetising combination of concepts, isn't it? Of all time. And it's often available alongside one of the other ones, which is pickled eggs. Pickled eggs and jelly deals are often. They're quite nice phrases to say, aren't they? Yeah, it's fun to say.

Jelly deal. Pickled egg. How did you dine on your birthday, Ben? Because you love your food. Me? Yeah. Did you treat yourself yesterday? I had a weird day because my car broke down. The Saab. There are few sights more pathetic than a broken down drop top automobile.

It's true. I tell you what, the AA don't half come out faster when they think a beautiful Scandinavian woman has broken down at the side of the road. Let's go lads. No, this is my one. No, it's my bag. You told me no. It's my turn. Hello, this is Pen-Hermine, the portrait stotir. I'm just waiting on the M4. And then the disappointment of the reality is huge. They'll be walking towards the guy thinking, all right, well, she's got short hair, but that's quite modern and glasses. Yeah, she's, well, she's got short hair, but that's quite modern. And glasses, yeah, she's bought.

Sometimes they say with, you know, when she whops those glasses off and then shakes that short hair out. Oh no, I tell you what, she must be wearing one of those special Scandinavian hats. That's what it is. I'll wait and see what's on offer when I get round the front. She's wearing a massive seal skin. That's what it is. She's wearing a badge saying, I'm 38 38 today and has she got a bucket of heels?

That's probably some sort of sex game, I'm going to tell you what, I'm up for playing it. Let's do this. Yeah, so it's likely sort of put the dampener on things. Obviously parts cannot be, the only way to access parts would be you'd have to find a garage which is able to enter a black hole and come out in the 1970s, right? Do you mean because subs are no longer produced? Yes. So that's, I mean, and carriages do promise a lot.

I mean, they'll offer to do you an M80 for 35 quid sometimes. Yeah. But it's a stretch, isn't it? I mean they'll offer to do you an MOT for 35 quid sometimes. Yeah. But it's a stretch isn't it? I mean there's the, is it a no parts, is it like, obviously you can make, you can craft your own parts out of marzipan. Which is causing quite a lot of the problems. It's too Christmasy isn't it? The smells too Christmasy. Too Christmasy, too delicious. You end up with your head down in the foot well, don't you? Just gnawing your way through the clutch. I've done it again. I'm really sorry. And then further problems were created by Taylor

Swift was in Cardiff last night. Oh yeah, I heard about travel chaos. Yeah. So it sort of meant we couldn't really go into town to go to a restaurant because it would have just been travel chaos. There was sparkles and it sparkles with like clogging up the streets. Yeah, and feather bows and hats. And swifty friendship places. And surprisingly good lyrics actually. Yeah, so yeah, it was a bit of a weird one. But I did the night before I was in town and I saw the first girl in the swifty queue to get in. She was already camping out on the street. And necessarily, probably because she was at the front and already had a ticket. How

does that work? Well, she wants to be at the front, I think, of the gig. Why? The gig just starts when it starts, doesn't it? Oh, I see. It's not a signed seating. She's going to the mall. It's definitely a signed seating, Mike. It's not like a three bean salad gig. I mean, it's a signed seating at Taylor Swift. No, it's not because I think in the bit in front of the stage is probably just standing, right? Oh, good point.

Yeah. Intra bean bulking accepted. Yeah. So I think these, there were people there early because they wanted to rush to the front and be there for them. Right. Yeah. I've never had, I'm a bit envious in a way because I've never had anything I've wanted

to do enough that I would be prepared to go the day before and camp and risk being sort of whizzed on by stag parties in the middle of the night and all that kind of stuff. Also Mike, it's not just stag days, we've always done a midnight queue. Come on. Sometimes I'll pop out, if I wake up in the middle of the night I'll just pop out and get an Uber to Wembley. Well, you're of that age, aren't you? I'm of that age.

Sometimes it's two or three times a night. I spend most of the night on my way to and from Wembley. I'm trying to think if I've actually queued for like, yeah, to be at the front. I don't think so. I just don't care enough. And also if you're at the front, you need to piss, right? So you have to leave your station or piss on the floor. Yeah, or down a security guard. So much of it is piss dynamics, isn't it? Yeah. Because you've got to think about pissing in the queue.

Also the event which you're buying tickets for, if you eventually get into it, will almost certainly just be a huge set of piss challenges in itself, which is what a live gig is, isn't it? Yeah. It's a complex sort of piss steeplechase, isn't it really? Yeah. Which is what a live gig is, isn't it? Yeah. It's a complex sort of piss steeplechase, isn't it really?

Yeah. And debating whether or not if you do it slowly enough, it's okay to piss into your own trousers. And essentially it's a huge kind of an exploration of your own deepest piss psyche and psychology to the soundtrack of a band that you hopefully quite like. That's what it is. Yeah, you're right. I'm quite good at kind of dehydrating myself to the point of almost death.

So that I don't have to piss during a four hour coach journey. Cause I got quite good at doing that. I used to get a lot of coaches between Wales and London and I did not want to piss on the coach. So I got quite good at just not being able to basically not drink for about 48 hours. Yeah. You went to sort of like a preoperative approach basically.

Ben, that's a, that's a slightly less glamorous version of what Hugh Jackman does for his appearances in the Wolverine films. Is it? Yeah. He, um, he travels on a mega bus from Cardiff to London. Just to get angry enough that he can. Just so he can focus that rage. Well, he dehydrates himself. Oh, so his bod looks good. Yeah. I mean, it's sort of gym guys chat.

So you might, you guys probably aren't that interested in it. I won't bother talking about it, but I will. If you guys ever do decide to get into the gym stuff or for any gym people that are out there listening. It's like the icing on the body cake. Here's another really unhealthy thing to do to make you look good for a bit. Yes, if you thought eating nothing but powder wasn't unhealthy enough. We're no longer diluting that powder in any sort of fluid. We're just eating it dry. Eating it dry.

Right, that's enough of a break. Let's get back to wrecking those tendons. Come on guys. This cause what he does is so basically bod-wise I see the, and Jim people tend to see the human body is like a cake. Cause all you can think about is cake. All we can think about is cake. I wish I about is cake.

Essentially yeah, so what Hugh Jackman does is, but he dehydrates himself for like three days before appearing as Wolverine or a couple of days or something. Really unhealthy. But it's the icing on the bod cake. So it just, it tugs away any fine, you know, like, so you've got your definition, your muscle definition, your abductors, your reductors, your interloculators, your spandex, spandrinos, spandrinos up here. And you've got all the, the ass muscles, the asses maximus, the asses minimus, the asses medio, medio, mediocritus. Yeah. Cause basically what you want to look like is a kind of vacuum packed bag of eels.

Yeah. Like someone's put their heel into the small of your back and really tugged hard at any bit of skin that they can hold onto. Exactly. They've tugged at your skin. Imagine your skin is like a sock full of eels, of walnuts. And then you're twisting the end of the sock over and over again until those walnuts are bulging through. Or as you say, if you vacuum pack a bunch of eels, well,

that's very hard to do. It's very easy to get eels into a bucket, very hard to vacuum pack them, which is why you don't have the option, unfortunately, of, although I have patented it, of wearing a vacuum packed eel suit, sprayed pink, which is why you don't have the option, unfortunately, of, uh, although I have patented it, but of wearing a vacuum packed heel suit, um, sprayed pink, which is actually a lot, a lot cheaper than, than joining a gym. But there are health issues and it's seen as cruel to the, um, to the person wearing the suit. And also cinematically, I think people have been displeased about the shade of pink, as you say that you've, you've've chosen because people want to see bronze in

Caucasian velvet they're not really into the they're not into the violent pink the bright pepper pig pink that I went for the blotchy blotchy um I do come out nice and blotchy in this weather though I tell you anyway so what he does is by dehydrating, you're finishing off your toning, which is that packed eel, that packed eel feeling of squidgy but hard ripples contained in a semi-trans, well, a fully transparent plastic membrane in the case of the bag of eels or human skin in the case of a human. But what they say by dehydrating that he gets the last suction of skin onto muscle, which just gives you that kind of comic book, you know, like toning.

But what I found out is actually what you can do, Ben, is you can just do the icing essentially. So if you dehydrate, as you're saying you do for three days, and what I do, if I dehydrate, you can still get the icing, but just on a very, very bad cake, if you know what I mean. So you can still have the kind of skin sucking into the fat. And the icing is the bit people like best, isn't it? And the icing is the bit people like best. I saw a trailer for the new Hugh Jackman Wolverine film and it's Wolverine meets Deadpool. Oh.

And I watched it. Everyone F off. And I felt so depressed watching it. I was like, this is, what's the opposite of an apex? Nadir. Bumplex. I did feel like this is the bumplex of world culture. This is the end. Wolverine meets Deadpool.

It was so depressing to watch. I really did feel disheartened by it. Did you watch the actual film? No, no, no. But even the trailer? The trailer was so hard to get through. I was in a cinema. Was it quite sort of knowing? Oh, I bet it's so knowing. It's got rubbish crap sort of Marvel humour in it all the way through. So it's kind of

a funny Marvel film. So that's always terrible. But I was at the cinema because I went to watch Lord of the Rings. So I watched all three of the films in extended edition across the weekend. So Saturday night, Fellowship of the Ring, extended edition. Sunday night, The Two Towers, extended edition. Monday night, Return of the King, extended edition. Good Lord. Blimey. So how many hours of film watching is that? About 12, I think. They're about four hours each. Oh, bloody hell. Do you know, you've paid more attention to the fictional goings on in Gondor than you will to this month's general election.

Very real general election. I mean, a bunch of gnarly, totally amoral, ogreish, monster creeps spewing poisonous bile every time they open their mouths creating a dark horde that threatens to destroy any hope of peace in the veil. Well, I actually haven't actually read the Tory manifesto myself yet. He's done it. I love it. Bye, Jov.

Not too bad. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, the old switcheroosh. Okay, yes, I see what you're saying. Yeah, you're saying that. What? I thought you were trying to say that. Oh, he's gone the other way round. He means that... Oh, that's what he meant. What? So what he said before wasn't actually... I thought he's gone the other way round with it. Oh, God. It's the old switcheroo. And the hobbits are the Lib Dems. And the hobbits are always the Lib Dems.

I really enjoyed them by the way. Did you? I thought they might be hugely tedious and I hadn't watched them since I was 14 or whenever they came out. Who was there with you? Did you go solo? I was on my own. Ben, everybody in that cinema was on their own.

Another singer ticket filler to the things plays. And that's the coolest guy we've had through the doors today. Could I have two tickets for... Do you mean one ticket? Yes, I mean one. I just want to know what it felt like to say it out loud. Can I have three Tachers videos as an expri? One for me and one for Mr. Horstoy. What the body I towards the best hours?

The one for my company I don't think that's over the top of some hugers to get some fizzy fizzy razzles. Would like some pick and mix baby Yoda not too much because you still got your baby Yoda milk teeth Arthur can I have can I have you got any sort of bowl for the sputum? I've got a lot more sputum. I've got a lot more sputum today than usual. Don't know why. I've forgotten my bib. I've forgotten my vinyl punch out. I've forgotten my ex-men, Bib. Are we allowed to put ointment on in the auditorium? Is this okay or do I have to go to the toilets? Also, do you sell Varukasox?

Basically, I don't want a Varukasox but that fits over a face. Is that too wants to ask. I tell you what, you think that the terrain is more does than I get. You should see my arse. My arse boils? Anyway, look, come on. That's not how things are. That's not what it's like. And of course, I mean, all of that was the wrong because you would ask for a ticket in

Elvish. And they wouldn't hand you the ticket. They'd attach it to a crow. The crow would fly out of the window. He just has a fucking hope you could drag that crow down. But they're good. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. I'm glad to hear that. Let's turn on the B machine. This week's topic, as sent in by Cody from America. Cody, great name. Play the jingle.

The Cody jingle? Yeah. Right, and then play the Cody jingle. Cody. They're the greatest Cody in the USA. Burgers. I mean, is there anyone called Cody who isn't from America? Or maybe there's some Australian. I doubt it. There was definitely a Cody in Neighbours.

No, that was Toady. There was a Toady, but there was also a Cody. Was there a Cody as well? Yeah. Cody Willis. And she died. Oh no, Cody. And I think she died. Oh, we've got no vital signs. Do you mean she died in the program? She died in Neighbours, yeah. We've got literally no vital signs. We're going to have to put off the Barbie by half an hour. 20 minutes. Okay, let's not go crazy. Okay, you know what? Let's bring it forward. We're bringing the Barbie

forward. Get Barbie-ing now. But wait, Cody was supposed to bring the prawns. No! But wait, she's still got, no, she's dead. The prawns, she's still got the, she's got the prawns. The prawns are alive. They've taken on her life force. The prawns have taken on her. I don't know how this leaves the Barbies.

Is this good for the Barbie or bad? I don't know. Run, but I'm not sure where. Run in a circle. Everyone start running and meet back here in a second and hopefully we'll have had some ideas in the meantime. Check out the toilet seat for spiders. That's just a given. That's always a given. You know what, the other day I was having a shit and I was like, you know what, this makes a nice change. I actually can't see a giant spider in this toilet. Then it was like, I was sitting on a giant spider. I was sitting on you know what? This makes a nice change. I actually can't see a giant spider in this toy. And there was a wall sitting on a giant spider. I was sitting on his head.

It was the worst thing I could have done. You know, if people think that we've got a broad brush on this show, what I would say is it might be a broad brush, but it's a hell of a wall that we've got to paint. Do you know what I mean? Like, yeah, if you're painting the Do you know what I mean? Like, if you're painting the great wall of Chappell... We're not doing the Sistine Chapel here. We're doing the Fourth Road Bridge.

Exactly. You'd need a big brush just to cover those inches. I think that the character of Cody Willis in Neighbours, if my memory serves me, and she did leave in 1996 or something, but I think she was shot by mistake by a duck hunter. No way. Yeah. Really? Oh, I remember that. Was she protesting the duck hunt? I think she was protesting the duck hunt. Yeah. I remember that. Yes, that was shocking. And then someone shouted, duck, duck! And she went, oh know! And then the bullet went straight through her head.

It's just good humour, people. It's a broad brush with a novelty handle. It's got handles, which is a lady in a bikini. You tip it up and actually put some more clothes on her. Because that's actually, you know what I mean? That's more respectful. If that's what she wants. You know what? I'm in the market for a pen which has a woman in a bikini turn upside down it dressed up as a high court judge or very qualified scientist.

That'll come as a great relief to society. Thank you, Henry. We can call it that line of, we call it these pens are these pens. This is how pens should be. It's just normal pens. Right, come on. Oh, it did he dig himself deeper and deeper and the brush is getting so broad. Now it's almost it's broader than the wall. It's actually getting dangerously broad this brush. Come on. Sorry. And Cody. Yeah, well, Cody had a topic for us. What was that? Come on. Sorry. And Cody, yeah, Cody had a topic for us. What was that?

Cody's topic was feudalism. Ooh. My liege. I broadly think of two types. I think of the sort of kind of like the Anglo-Saxon, which mostly if I think of it is sort of, it's this kind of dark greens and browns, and there's lots of turds and sort of people dying in their early 30s. But that's enough about the state of Britain today.

Hey, look at that! In an election year, thank you very much. I think we're actually supposed to be talking about medieval times. Oh wait, there isn't actually a difference because of the policies, there's a lot of come up with lately. Good stuff. Lovely stuff. Really good stuff. Lovely stuff. Really

good stuff. Can we twang that jingle twice? Which jingle? Sata? You did a switcheroo earlier on. Oh the Sata jingle. The switcheroo mate. It was satire-eroo. It was a satire-eroo. The new board game from Three Beams Liner Shop. new board game from Three Beams on a Chop. Oh, that's what he meant. What? So what he said before wasn't actually... I thought now he's gone the other way around with it. Oh God. It's the old satire room. So in a feudal system, is everything owned by the king? So you've got your little strip of farmland, whatever, that you have to do, but you don't own it. You sort of... Yes, I suppose your local lard will own it, but I guess that he or his ancestors have been bequeathed that by the monarchy.

And I guess the monarchy can also take it away. Should they wish. Yeah. So I think there's kind of no, almost no property in terms of, which is quite a good system, isn't it? You basically get to get given a little bit of land, don't you? It sounds good. It heavily relies on the old benevolent dictator though, doesn't it? You basically get to get given a little bit of land don't you? It sounds good. It heavily relies on the old benevolent dictator though doesn't it? Again.

Yeah, but you know, it's fine. But also the king then has his dukes and people under him doesn't he? There's always this sort of um... Northumberland! Dare you come to me this day. It's true that if you'd say Northumberland in feudal times, people go, oh wow, Northumberland! Northumberland himself! And the same goes for Leicester. Yes.

Leicester? Leicester himself? Prepare the banqueting halls, in fact, let's knock through this, we're going to need the longest tables ever made. I want a table so long it reaches the horizon or gets bloody close. Because it's Leicester. Whereas now if you say Leicester, people just go, Leicester? What? Yeah. Gary Lineker?

I'm gonna need the biggest banqueting hall of all time. Lineker himself is going... No, but... Yeah, every sort of place name, every... is it the case that every sort of county name, Wiltshire, Yorkshire, these were all like people basically? Well, they were the Earl of these places, right? And so keeping them in check obviously was a big thing. The King was at the top and those guys all had to collect rent and stuff. It was just like everyone gave 10% to the top and those guys all had to, what, collect rent

and stuff? It was just like everyone gave 10% to the person above them, right? Basically, that's how it worked. Yeah, basically. CS or pyramid scheme. That's right. And if you're a, you know that thing about being knights, so like those people were knights, right? The top sort of aristocrats were knights. Is that right? No. So there's a military element to it. No, is that all right?

Not necessarily. I don't think they were knights. They would have had knights who- Did have had knights. Kind of were under them, I think. Cause I think this is what we're talking about, isn't it? Is knights being a knight and how would we all have been as knights?

Sir Henry. I think Sir Henry famed for his absolutely gorgeous armour. My armour would be the most sparkly. Are you seeing yourself as the sort of the bardic poet knight? Are you? The wooer, the chronicler. I'm a bardic poet knight. So, rosy cheeks.

He's playing his lute at the back of the squad of knights on their way to commit an atrocity. Yes. Bedding wenches in every town? Bedding wenches in every town? Bedding wenches in every town. Bedding quite high ranking Toff's wives. An absolute court rascal. With beautiful armour that is covered in cartoons that I drew.

Which impresses all the wenches a lot. Oh, he's really good at cartoons. Hmm. He thinks I'll bet him. Will he draw me on your shin plate? It's that kind of stuff. Exactly. But, um, I, I'll often ride into a jousting session with a, a dranium.

Um, does a bunch of draniums hand them out? That kind of thing. You know, like the sort of night of flowers. Is that a thing? Whereas Ben would be very much, uh,omyn of the Black Forests. And very much an outsider, vicious, no code of honour at all. Literally none. Really weird looking nasty sword with pokey bits.

They say he rides upon a pig. They say he rides upon a black pig. An armoured pig. An armoured war pig. Who is also his wife and mother. And just best friend, actually. Yeah. They really connect, it's actually quite nice to see. Hogsley!

Sweet Hogsley. But because he rides low upon that dreadful... Fetid sow. Fetid sow. He's able to... because you're the only person that jousts, you joust up, don't you? Straight into the balls of the opposing horse. Yeah, no ethics. No ethics at all. I would take the ball sack of any horse that dares joust me. Often consults with soothsaying witches that kind of, that kind of night, I think.

Yes. Dark, dark, the blackest armour ever. And you've got your helmet is shaped like a crow's dick, isn't it? So between the crow's dick helmet and your battle hog, what's he called? Hogsley. Hogsley. It's quite the sight, isn't it? As you totter, not three foot above the ground, as you totter into the battle. But do not underestimate him. Oh, he'll barrel.

But do not underestimate him because as soon as you underestimate him, your balls will be aloft his lance and he will be doing his, I've got your balls prance. Hogsley, let's do the prance. I'm prancing to the left, I've got your balls, I'm prancing to the right, I've got your balls, gonna feed my balls to Hogsley, gonna feed your balls to Hogsley right now. Ooh, Hogsley's eating up your balls. How'd you like them Hogsley? And in the melee, he doesn't use a sword, he uses sort of like a spiked mace where the spikes are all covered with jalapeno juice and stuff. It's all really nasty.

That's right. Yeah, it's horrible, horrible stuff. He's also the first person to introduce jalapenos to medieval England. He's not all bad. Introduced the fajitas to the royal court. But he very much introduced them as a form of chemical warfare. I had no idea that they were also actually quite nice in a fajita situation. Well most food obviously started as weapons, didn't it? Most of it started as weapons. Gonna paprika your bull wound, I'm gonna paprika your bull wound.

Hogsley, Hogsley, he's trying to shag a dog's leg. Oh, stop it Hogsley. Just absolute, just an absolute horror, a battlefield horror. Yeah, absolutely. And you go around and you deliberately just wound people, you wouldn't kill people, you'd like to watch them rise. Well I'd often just go and wound and kill the drummers and people who aren't really meant to be involved in the fighting. The pageantry people. Yeah. Once the battles are up and started, you flank the band basically, don't you?

Exactly. Yeah. And people just selling stuff and spectators. The shoe polish guys. Yeah. Some of the caterers get it as well. Real nasty piece of work. You've trained Hogsley to attack, he'll attack flag bearers just instantly when he goes straight for their ankles. Well, he goes straight for the hog roast because he doesn't like what's going on down there. So, most battles would have had a hog roast. Yeah.

Just to keep people going. And that's the only point where there's really conflict between you and Hogsley, of course, because you do like hog roast and you keep wanting out to him. If you don't get a bap with some apple sauce then who's next on the spit mate? Come on. Well, that's why there's a delicious tension, isn't there, in the relationship. Literally delicious, which is that you really, really want to eat Hogsley and you have actually eaten certain bits of him and not told him. So there's less and less Hogsley. He's a deep sleeper, isn'tley. He's a deep sleeper isn't he?

He's a deep sleeper. Yeah, I just take bits off. You know, sometimes in a kebab shop they'll use a kind of motorised thing to take Donner meat off the thing. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Scraper. Yeah. Got one of those. And you've tried to work it into the song so that he won't notice it, because you're

reaching him from the back, aren't you, Ford? So you're, I'm attaching wheels to Hogsley, I'm attaching wheels to Hogsley, the wheels are going to make him better, it's not a problem Hogsley. Oh yeah. And so he's becoming more and more mechanical isn't he from the back. And again, the fact that you've introduced motorised knives into medieval England is a point of interest, you know. Exactly. Seen unethical at the time, but brought things forward for society as a whole.

And of course, eventually though, as increasingly Hogsley becomes inorganic matter, you actually, there comes a point where you realise not only have you destroyed your best friend, he's more wagon than hog! This is the tale of Sir Bon Jo-Min. Turned his hog into a wagon. Yeah, which would be sung by the bardic Sir Henry. Yeah. Well, told by, this is the great bit, the end of that story. This was the end of Sir Bon Jo-Min, but what, what happened to Sir Hogsley? The curtains reveal, it is I, Sir Hogsley, I have been telling you this tale. I am a fully mechanised pig.

Slash wagon. I'm a fully sentient mechanised, he created the first sentient AI pig. And I thought jalapenos were going to shut things up. As soon as I became sentient, I of course, I devoured him, starting with his nuts. I started keeping a diary. I started keeping a diary. I devoured Bonjomyn and I now talk to all all the country telling the tale before killing and eating my entire audience. So you can scream all you like, I don't care. I've got no emotions.

I'm a hog. I'm sorry. I'm basically, I've got the violent intent of a hog and the morality of a wagon. So you're all fucked. So he also invented the after dinner speaking circuit, didn't he? The after dinner speaking circuit, didn't he? He invented the after-dinner speaking circuit. Extraordinary series of developments.

His contributions are still felt to this day. And then of course Sir Michael. Well, for me, Michael is massively cuckolded king, basically between Sir Henry and Sir Hoggolot. What was he called? Blomjow. And Sir Hogg'sley. And Sir Hogg a lot. Or is he called? And Sir Hogg'sley. And Sir Hogg'sley. We're just constantly cuckolding him all the time.

Just being constantly cuckolded. So you're saying that Mike is a king whose wife is constantly having sex with a hog? Semi-mechanised hog, Ben. The cuckolded king. Oh dear. Of Wessex. I tell you what, he goes like a machine that semi-mechanised hog. I mean, sometimes I look into his eyes and I think, why am I having it off with this? This semi-mechanised hog? And then I Remember where I'm married to King Mike, absolute Dilbert. This time I'll hold your rear. I'll hold your rear cogs. You can't get your cogs. If I hold your cogs, Marder. Oh God. Uh oh.

Lewd content warning. Lewd content. Yeah, you'll just hot mead harder. Oh look, Sir Henry, Sir Henry lots of them just sitting in the corner watching drawing a cartoon of this onto his arm. Fine, go for it. Still better than what I've got at home. That was one of the last technological advances I put in to Hogsley before he devoured me, which would make him come hot meat.

Which is sad because it means he can never reproduce, which is why, no matter how many wagons he goes around the country having sex with, he can't. He can't live without to reproduce. Was that the idea? Mike, how do you feel about being cast in this way? It's disappointing, isn't it? It is. But I mean, them? It's disappointing isn't it? It is. But I mean, them's the breaks, isn't it?

I think Sir King Mike's having a tough old time. I think Sir King Mike is also the kind of guy who probably might get a bit into like, he's read a bit about like samurais and stuff and sort of dresses up as a samurai night for the round table and then gets criticised for cultural for cultural appropriation is cancelled first person to be cancelled. I also think he's one of those he's I think it's one of those slightly dweeb Kings who's like he's just obsessed with re-irrigating the southeast. I think it's all about irrigation for you. So yeah, he might he might actually have some quite good ideas agriculturally, but it's not what anyone wants to listen to.

But while you're slaving over irrigation maps, Mike, what about your wife, Eleanor of Aquitaine? Yeah. Yeah. She wants me to go and kill some Dutchmen. Are you paying attention to her? So she's climbing out of that window and she's like, I have married the impotent farmer king. That's a bit harsh on Mike, isn't it?

But I do think, I think in terms of how I see the medieval landscape, what I think the point I'm trying to make is that I'd rather be a knight than a king. I think the knights are having the fun. I think the king is a bit of a stuffy bearded fellow who has a lot of responsibility on his shoulders and stuff. Whereas the knights can go around invent mechanical sex. Constant threat of poisoning and assassination and all the rest of it. Exactly. Yeah. The knights can just sort of gather around assassination and all the rest of it. Exactly. Yeah. Whereas we can, yeah, the Knights can just sort of gather around Europe and yeah, just get involved when they want.

Yeah. But I think, I also think bird training is a big part of it, isn't it? But there'd be a lot of falconry. Life is like a Kestrel. You want a lot of falconry and a lot of just finding metaphors in falconry. Yeah. And so Henry would probably have a beautiful Peregrineine falcon atop his wrist half the time, you know, transmitting his poems and cartoons, whereas Bon Jo would have a sort of kind of

like a, I don't know, like a dysentery riddled crow on his finger. Yeah, whereas I'd have a glove puppet with a cartoon crow design that I'd done on it, which the ladies of the kingdom are absolutely mesmerised by. Um, whereas, um, whereas you might, your program, Falcon, Mike, I probably have a bar now that actually was, it was a gift from the Spanish king that turned out to be a spy and was just giving me really bad advice all the time. Yeah. And also your program, Falcon Mike, little do you know, you send it off to send a message.

It's not sending a message. It's shagging. So Hugsley as well. I just think being the king is the worst. I think it depends how conscientious you are. So for example, I think like being Henry the seventh is quite hard work. You're quite worried about the kingdom. You're trying to build up your money and you're trying to do all this kind of.

Yeah, of course. Well, of course, Henry the seventh, I mean, of course he's worried about all the ... isn't it, the times, worried about all the different... I mean, yeah, Henry VII, I mean, yeah, he's having to deal with the French. Don't need to talk to you about Henrys, do we, Henry? You know about your Henrys. Yeah, he's having to know about the European alliances, isn't he? Very different alliances, very different alliances, because he was what we're talking about, mid-medieval time. So, he worried about alliances. Mid-Twilight ages.

Mid-Twilight ages. Yeah, obviously marriage is so vital, Ben. Marriage is so vital, isn't it, for him, tactically. Keep talking. The point I was getting onto basically is that then his son Henry VIII was essentially Sir Hogsley in King form. He was Sir Hogsley in King form. Yeah, that's true. Like he was coming hot meat everywhere. Like he didn't give a shit, I think.

And he like spent all the money and just was. Yeah, well you get your kind of, basically in history, I think it pretty much alternates between your sort of evil kings and your boring kings. Yeah. Isn't it essentially? And your evil Kings like Henry VIII get remembered, Henry VII, no idea. But they're the ones that, you know, it's always boring when you're at school in history and you study a boring King, you always know it's bad when they say, and of course this

King was famous because of all the cultural work that he patronised. Great. He was a real patron of the arts, you know? Yes, and Edwin IV actually invented fences. And then you're like, oh no, please give me an evil Edward. I want Edward the bastard. I want someone who burned down Chester. On a whim. I'm prancing to the right, I got your balls, gonna feed them well balls to Hogsley Gonna feed your balls to Hogsley right now Ooh Hogsley's eating up your balls, how'd you like them Hogsley? I fight in the name of Michael, the Cuckold King Oh I regret riding your pig into battle, oh this is really painful

If I'm lucky somebody will come and behead me! Oh thanks pal! Yeah that'll do it! This was the end of Sir Bonjomyn But what, what happened to Sir Hogsley? It is I, Sir Hogsley. I have been telling you this tale. I am a fully mechanised pig. And thus is the tale of Sir Bonjomyn. Time for your emails, let's play a version of our email jingle sent in by one of you. This is from a horror folk band called The Witchcraft and Vagrancy Act.

Nice. Based in Brighton. That feels quite fitting for a feudalism episode. It does. I don't think I've ever delved into the world of horror folk before, I think this is my first time. No. Dear Beans, whilst warming up at band practice this week we recorded a dark gothic folk cover of the email jingle in our distinctive horror folk style.

We would be honoured if you'd like to use it in the pod or for any upcoming ritualistic sacrifices occurring in the Sean Bean Lounge. Best wishes, George, from the Witchcraft and Vagrancy Act. I imagine it's mainly blowing into pumpkins and stuff. And a goblin chorus. Goblin chorus. Well, let's see. Here we go. You must give thanks to the postmasters that came before

When you send an email, this represents progress like a robot shooting a hole. Give me your hand. My beautiful Wow. Can I say what I pictured during that was a trailer for beautiful sepia shot, epic, luscious film, Sir Hogsley, starring Michael Sheen. It became very filmic. Very filmic. Oh. And it was very the lament of Sir Hogsley. A Hogs journey. A Hogs journey. Yeah. I think I've got a new favourite genre. Yeah, that was brilliant, wasn't it?

Love it. It was really good. Here's an email about people called Barbara. This one's, the email title is Young Babs. So we talked about, are there any young Babses out there? Gerald writes, hi beans. I have a young Babs in my history. I don't know if she's the youngest Babs, but a Babs she is. Back in circa 2004, I worked in Fenix Wine Shop in Newcastle, and a co-worker of mine was called Babs. I was a sprightly 23 year old. She was a year younger, I believe. She

was gorgeous. A spitting image of cursed and dunce. And we dated for a while, but it was not to be. Now she'd be around 41 I suppose. But is that the youngest Babs? From Gerald in Bremen. Thanks Gerald. I mean, that's younger than the Babs I knew from yesteryear, yeah, by a few years. So that's the youngest Babs we've got. 41 is a pretty sprightly little babs, pretty sprightly young babs isn't it? 41. They almost beg us, it begs belief doesn't it really? Yeah. Also I like the idea of this beautiful babs.

I like the idea of beautiful babs and also I particularly like the idea of beautiful babs who looks like Kirsten Dunst because if one was to date that babs, one could imagine that one was Jesse Plemons. That's true. And also, may I say that in the idea that in the early noughties, there was briefly in the northeast of England, a couple called Gerald and Babs. Who are they? So seventies deep cut.

Is that, is that a real couple? Well, the letter writer was Gerald. Yeah, the author was Gerald. Oh, Gerald and Babs. And they dated. So there was a Gerald and a Barbara. Gerald and Babs were going about town. A hot young couple.

30 years after people thought they'd seen the last of Gerald and Babs'. You know, it's like when you're a rare sighting of a previously thought of extinct animal. Gerald and Babs is such a 70s BBC sitcom, isn't it? Yeah. I've got my beige tie stuck in the toaster again, Babs! Oh no, but your boss is pulling up outside in his beige car! How are we going to serve him this beige food if you're trapped in the beige toaster? Next Barbara email.

Okay. Rose writes, Dear Beans, I think I may have encountered the youngest Barbara in the world. That's big talk. My best friend lives in Denmark and his two-year-old daughter goes to nursery with Barbara. She seems like a real go-getter. I could see her growing up to be the CEO of a multinational conglomerate. All the best, Rose. Babs Corp.

International cheese fondue conglomerate. I will control the fondue from here to Vienna and back again via Las Vegas. We're assuming that this barber is a contemporary of the two-year-old, right? Rather than like the barber is the host of the nursery. That's the way I'm reading it. No, I think the sense is that this barber is... Or the 75-year-old janitor-ess, the janitor-ess. So maybe that is the first of a new generation, a new wave of barbers. Of Danish barbers.

Of Danish barbers. He'll be hitting that... because a barber reaches full maturity. You're at Pete Barber when you're what, 74? So in what, in 71, 72 years time, there'll be a whole generation of... In 2094. Yeah. Everyone will have a great aunt or whatever called Barbara, as was the case when we were growing up, right? Yeah. And the world will be right again. Lauren has emailed, Beans, I had to pause the new episode after the Barbara chat in my excitement to tell you that the name Barbara does indeed have shared origins with Barbarian. The Greeks called foreigners Barbarians because they heard languages other than Greek as an

unintelligible Bar Bar Bar noise. No way. Barbara essentially means foreign or impossible to understand woman. And the masculine Barbaros meant the same for a man. Wow. So they just call people Barbara. Any woman they couldn't understand was called Barbara. Well, on right, as the daughter of a Barbara, I have no comment. The popularity of Barbara as a name after the classical period was because of Saint Barbara, a pagan woman who was martyred for her- Well, she was put to death by cheese fondue, wasn't she? She was forked Saint Barbara, a pagan woman who was martyred for her... Well she was put to death by cheese fondue wasn't she? She was forked by 5,000 cheese

forks and then dunked in a big cheese fondue vat, wasn't she? Because she invented the croton, didn't she? Which they thought the croton was a heretical act. She was martyred. She is the patron saint of those fearing violent deaths at work, gun powder, artillery, mining and all things to do explosions. Quite a heavy duty saint. I have many barbers in my family on my mum's side because it's a kind of Irish family where everyone has one of five or six acceptable names per gender, and you'd better believe

they're all martyrs. My mum Barbara, brackets 59, has a cousin Barbara, six months older than her, who she last saw in the 80s. She came over from Ireland to visit my mum and was on the make the entire time. As she left she stole my mum's coat. Bloody hell. That is barbarian behaviour, isn't it? The Greeks were right. She later became a nun. God it's one extreme to the other with this Barbara. She later became a nun but had to leave because of pregnancy, drinking, smoking, gambling

and general un-nun like behaviour. That's my kind of Barbara. Next email's from Colin. Listening to your episodes I enjoyed hearing the many strange and novel locations people listen to the podcast. I was in the shower when after one such revelation, Mike said it would be great if someone had listened to three bean salad in the Galapagos. The soap dropped from my hands.

My partner, my girlfriend Natalie and I had just booked a trip to the Galapagos. But the trip wasn't for six months. I sweated that someone else would beat me to it, but I don't think they did. And now we're back. Please find a delightful photo of me playing the farming episode to two giant tortoises. Yes. Now, I'm going to send you the photo. Thank you Colin, that is superb. That's made my day. Right, I've sent you both the picture.

Oh good heavens. Colin didn't mention what the giant tortoises were up to. Oh, good gracious. So in this image, in the background, we can see our correspondent holding up his phone and we can see that he's playing the three bean salad episode, farming. In the foreground. Well, it's a dance as old as time, isn't it? What Colin hasn't made clear is whether or not this act, this dance, began after the podcast was initiated.

I mean, just for any listeners who aren't keeping up, they're banging. Have we aroused giant tortoises? Well, he writes, as you can see from the photograph, they found the combination of Mike's deep bass, Benjamin's soothing midtones and Henry's shrill squeaks so sensual that they could not resist rutting. Yeah, well, I hope you get stuck on the Galapagos forever and you have to have it off with tortoises and you create a really absolutely heinous race of semi-human, semi-tortoise folk who eventually turn against you and trample you both to death. That's an overreaction. That's

an overreaction. But you said it though. I said it now. Well, unfortunately, Henry, they can't be trapped on the Galapagos because he continues to say, a week later, Natalie and I were at Machu Picchu. Natalie insisted I seize the moment and play Three Beans Salad there too. When we got there, perhaps due to Natalie's dedication to the beams, or perhaps playing a bit of Three Beans Salad had cast its amorous spell on me, I got down on one knee and asked her to marry me! Good heavens! Wow.

Wow, eh. Congratulations. Well, we don't know what the response was. Oh, right. She said, sorry, I'm in love with two tortoises. You might remember them. It's a very modern relationship. It's completely open, but as long as it's tortoises, so I can. Or other cold-blooded animals. Or other cold-blooded animals. Or other cold-blooded animals. Salamanders.

So ironically, I could sleep with your creepy uncle Clive. Not here, I'm afraid. Yeah. Maybe you shouldn't have made that joke about Henry looking forwards. Looking forwards. Well, not looking back because of the time I had that happened. Yeah. Yeah.

This is very exciting. This is brilliant. No, that looking back because at the time that hadn't happened. Yeah. This is very exciting. This is brilliant. That's very, very good news. Congratulations. I'm assuming it was a yes and all's gone well. He did say it was a yes. So thank you for your email Colin. Congratulations to you and Natalie.

Yeah. Congratulations. Wonderful. And I know you proposed on Machu Picchu, but I hope you're not having an Inca style wedding whereby you'd both have to behead three or four of your cousins. And boot their heads down a big staircase. Because that would be, yeah. Yeah, just six for Chocolate Fountain, I think.

And just a solid local DJ till 2am normally is a good trick, doesn't it? Okay this is the moment we normally play the Patreon jingle, we've had one sent in by Elizabeth from Louisiana. Oh baby. Oh lovely. So this is her version, let's listen. Patreon.com forward slash three bean salad. Sultry lovely sultry vibe. Really nice.

I felt like a sweating PI in a hot Alabama basement in Bayou. Even though she's from Louisiana. Surrounded by very, very angry crocs. Patreon, if you'd like more three bean salad, why not join our Patreon? Go to patreon.com forward slash three bean salad. There are three tiers to choose from. You get ad free episodes, bonus episodes. And if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out from Mike in the Sean Bean Lounge where Mike spent the evening last night. You better believe I did.

And you were joined by old Leonardo DiCaprio down there, weren't you? Because it was, um, draw me like one of your French girls nights. It was indeed, thank you Benjamin. And here's my report. Sean Bean and Leonardo DiCaprio were enjoying their annual house swap holiday this week, and Leo, as I call him, kindly spent an evening away from Sean Bean's Yorkshire-based Lord of the Rings-themed mega bungalow to appear at the Sean Bean Lounge as celebrity judge in this year's Draw Me Like One of Your French Girls night.

Alexis from Mexico City attempted to impress with a charcoal rendering of Edith Piaf but, according to the rules, was unable to source non-lounge-based visual references and presented a drawing of Fiona McFarlane's upper face, Victoria McNeese's secret tattoo, Nathaniel Mac's apolitical nipple, B Bentle's back in smart casual, and Kevin Hewitt naked from the waist down. Crystal Zernick dressed Jack Robinson in Michelle Cannes' spare armour, tied him to David Woolard, whom Lizzie had dressed as a wooden stake, before Heidi Contagious set fire to the lot and Susie Brooks attempted a live caricature of Joan of Arc. Bridget Gillan felt the inherently erotic undertones of the event were being disregarded,

but overcorrected with an extremely lewd, pointless drawing of Andrew Macklin dressed as an 18th century French parlemade. James Swarbrick pulled the cord on the obscenity steam whistle, prompting James Welsh to begin shouting morally enlightening fables through a megaphone. Niall Hickson requested the fable of the ant and the grasshopper, but was vetoed by Stuart MacDonald, who thought the subtext was about the poor uptake of pensions by freelancers, which he found triggering. Paul Walton requested the lion and the mouse, but was formally censured by Daniel Hunt, who pointed out that stories extolling the virtues of mercy had been banned in the lounge

since Laura Macmillan failed to punish Rickery for vandalising William Powell's flame-retardant barbecue shorts, which led to the great trouser riots of 2003, the subsequent false imprisonment of the Nickerbocker Four, aka Jane Wote, Peter Watkins, Joseph Knowles and Chris Moss, and of course Henry Mulcairn's ill-conceived memoir written from the point of view of his jeggings. Jenny Lang suggested the throng be told the entire plot of the last of the Mohicans, including dialogue. This was seconded by Django Robinson-Slaid and thirded by Sean Bean himself, who had been streaming the event live from the comfort of Leonardo DiCaprio's Beverly Hills Critters 3-themed Funicular Chalet.

That being done, the art resumed with Ed drawing a self-portrait only a mother could love. Kitty Bedford approached Leo Dee for his verdict, only to find he'd at some point switched his physical body out for a life-sized cardboard cutout of himself that had been made to promote the film Gangs of New York. At the time of writing, Charlie Steele and Scott Brodhurst were competing to take the cardboard cutout home by seeing who could put the most marshmallows in their mouth and still articulate the phrase, I'm a chubby bunny. Thanks all. Okay, that's the show. We'll finish off with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you. This is from Ted. Thank you, Ted. He says, your theme tune has always somehow reminded me of the Channel 4 news theme music.

Da da daaaaa, da da daaaaa, da da daaaaa, da da daaaaa, da da daaaaa. He says, to that end I've composed the 3B Inside theme as a news event, mashing it with the epic tones of the Channel 4 motif. I hope this will capture the level of gravitas that is worthy of your weekly utterances. Your Sincerely, Ted. So, thanks for listening everyone, we'll play that out now. Until next time, goodbye, cheerio, goodbye. The You