Three Bean Salad - Fifth Wednesday Non-Episode Plenary Session

Episode Date: June 29, 2022

No normal episode of Three Bean Salad this week (it's a five Wednesday June and we will only do four Wednesday episodes in a month on the basis of human rights), but if you want to listen to a new bonus episode (and all of our bonus output going back to the Genesis bean) you can sign up to our PATREON at www.patreon.com/threebeansalad

Now, those of you living in the United Kingdom, well, no doubt have been reading the news and we've seen that the RMT Union, who represent people who work in train stations and on the railway, have been on strike recently. And obviously that's about pay and working conditions. Well, a lot of people don't realise is that the main issue there is that they're being forced to work on the fifth Wednesday of a month. Yeah, which is, which is, it's just the bad old days, isn't it? The idea that... The idea that in this day and age, we still have a fifth Wednesday in months. It's disgusting. That it even exists at all. It's disgusting. Victorian. Yeah, it's pre-Victorian. It's Elizabethan. It might even be Plantagenarian. It's Plantagenarian. It could be Plantagenarian.

I don't think you're exaggerating when you say that. Thank you. I mean, could we even go so far as to say it's Jurassic? And we will not work on a fifth Wednesday in a month. That's a red line for us. So sorry. We won't do anything. There's no episode this week. We're even careful to make sure we only breathe as shallowly as possible. Well, I go into a kind of suspended animation, really, on that fifth Wednesday. You get in your ultra cold freezer, don't you? That's right. Lock yourself in. And I, I'm not ashamed to say this, I spit into a special bucket every day for the rest of the month. And by that fifth Wednesday, I have enough spit to, I just pour it all over my body. And I

become essentially sort of cocooned in my own sort of... Sort of chrysalis of gob. And my own chrysalis of fifth Wednesday, gob. Correct. And yeah, because you shut yourself down, don't you? It's not, it's not right to be, to be active on that day. Nature isn't. No. Look, look out of the window. The sun doesn't rise. The sun doesn't rise. Birds don't sing. The tide, tide stop. Yep. Paul McCartney, it's the one time of the month. Paul McCartney stops producing more sort of retrospective Beatles material in terms of books, diaries, unseen lyrics. That's the one day he stops. EastEnders isn't on. Does the earth rotate? Obviously, no scientists have ever been working on that day to... Well, that's it. We don't know. So we don't

know. We don't know. We'll never know. And that's the way it should be. There's no one should be working that sort of thing out. Draw the veil. Exactly. If you're listening now and, I mean, you should be listening now. You shouldn't be doing anything. You should have drawn the veil. Listening is too much. So good luck to them. And we, of course... Good luck to them. Who's them? Well, the strikers you were talking about. Of course, yes. Now, absolutely good luck to them. Well, from my point of view, good luck. And we... We are lucky enough not to be working on the fifth Wednesday, which is why there's no episode. This is not an episode, to be absolutely clear. Yes, that's to be very clear about that. This is not an episode. We're not working.

Although, we do have a couple of bits of admin to do. That's true. Is that allowed? Fifth Wednesday admin? That's okay, because we're recording it beforehand, aren't we? Yes. Yeah. And it'll be released on the fifth Wednesday, but by automation, won't it? The release will be automated. Robots can work. Robots can work on the fifth Wednesday. And that's the beginning of a slippery slope, isn't it? It feels like it could be a chink in the armor of modern civilization, yes. But the robots can work on the fifth Wednesday, but we can't ever find out what they're exactly up to on that fifth Wednesday, because we're all cocooned in our own spit. They just get back to building cars afterwards, don't they? Yeah, it seems so.

And building their sub-training lava palace. Oh, yeah. There's a lot of noise around here for that construction work. Anyway, admin number one, Emma got in contact to say that her friend a big listener to the podcast, Mel Anderson. Hello, Mel. She's been in hospital, and so she's now home, but she's recovering. And it is her birthday, so she thought it'd be a nice thing to... Oh, happy birthday, Mel. Happy birthday, Mel. Glad you're out. And I hope you get very, very well indeed and very soon. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. Big bean love from all of us. Yeah, 100%. Admin point number two, we're doing a live show in September. If you're a Patreon, patreon.com forward slash three bean salad, you are now able to buy a ticket as part of the

Patreon pre-sale. The only permitted activity on a fifth Wednesday. That is permitted. Hello, Ben here, just popping in. I'm editing this non-episode. And the information we're about to give you about tickets for the live show is now out of date because we opened the Patreon pre-sale this morning. And all the tickets have gone, which we weren't expecting. So first of all, thanks very much for those of you who've already bought a ticket. But it means that it's going to be a 100% Patreon in there. It's going to be like a real live Sean Bean lounge. Unfortunately, this means there will be no tickets on general sale, which as I say, we weren't expecting. So a lot of the information we're about to give doesn't

hold up anymore. But from Thursday, we will be selling live stream tickets. So if you can't be in the room, you can live stream back to the non-show. That is that is permitted. Because it's pre. It's not actually happening. It's a pre. Yeah, it's a pre. Yeah, it's it's not happening on the day it's happening. Is it? Would you recommend to me that they order the tickets from within the spit chrysalis or can they leave it for a few moments? One thing you can do, it's quite tricky, though, is you can what I sometimes do is you can manage it so that you've got one arm poking out of the chrysalis. Right. Ah, yeah, going directly into a ticket booth in Leicester Square.

Exactly. So if you, yeah, that's that's in. Yeah, so it is allowed in that in that situation. You can have one arm extended and into the ticket hut. And you can then operate the computer and bytes by yourself like that. Just should make it clear you don't have to go to a ticket hut in Leicester Square, the buyer ticket. They'll come to you. If you're a Patreon member, we will have sent you the secret link. If you're a non-pateron and would like to come, they'll be on sale from the 30th of June, which if you're listening on the day of release is tomorrow. This is 2022, crucially, just in case people are listening in.

Listening in thousands of years in a few millennia time. And can we reveal, am I allowed to reveal some of the technical wizardry that's going to be happening? Oh, yeah, maybe give them a little hint. That's it. So, okay. Well, put it this way. You've probably heard about the ABBA event that's happening. Mm-hmm. Well, we're going to be using some quite similar technology, aren't we? Yeah, the stuff they tried that didn't work. The stuff they tried that didn't work, they had to chuck away. We've got that cheap. So, we're going to be projecting ourselves live.

As a malfunctioning Bjorn. And what you will see then is a kind of stuttering jittery Bjorn whose head sometimes flies off. It was one of the ones that was discarded because of a bug in the early rehearsals. But we managed to pick that up quite cheap, didn't we? And we've got, oh, we've got an Aneshka whose head sometimes sort of burrows down into her own sort of torso and then pops up again the wrong way around every now and then. Then we've got the Benny that actually started killing members of the crew. That actually did happen. And it was recorded live and we can project that.

We've managed to put that in a safe sort of glass bottle. There's also a Benny Pez dispenser as well that Henry found in a bin. So, we'll bring that. Yeah, that way there. And feel free to bring your own Pez ingots for us to insert into the device. Also, last year we were in a certain room at the London Podcast Festival and this year we're in the big room. We are. We're in the Whopper.

It's a hubris event. We could really be left with our pants down this time. Yeah, so if you want to come and see some three fully grown men being put back in their box, that's the place to be. Imagine this podcast but echo here. You don't have to leave your own home, of course. If you don't want to physically be there to watch that horror show, you can live stream it.

I think for a week from the event, is that right? Well, it wouldn't be live after the event, would it? As I understand it. Oh. Ben, help us out. Ben, for Christ's sake. You could not live stream it. Well, you cannot live stream it.

But if you do live stream it, then you can of course join in on the chat. Last time, that involved hundreds of people just writing the word horse over and over again. And haunts. And haunts. Yeah, that was when haunts was born. And then we were sort of trying to do the show, but then at our feet was this huge screen just with the word haunts going past thousands of times.

I have to say it wasn't that helpful, probably, but… Maybe we would have mastered it this time around, having experienced it once and once only. Anyway, so that's happening. So that's this year, 2022, September the… Mmm. 17th. 17th.

It's Saturday night. 17th. Saturday night, which as we all know, starts at 4.30pm. It's a kind of matinee-ish. Yeah. Yeah, it's a good sort of… If you're… Well, it's a good…

For the elderly, isn't it? It's a great… Yeah, you still got time to get yourself down as easy afterwards. Exactly. And lots of buffers in there to make sure you don't miss the last bus home. Well, it's compatible with seeing Phantom, isn't it? Which was very important for us when we chose our time slot. Because the three of us are going to see Phantom.

Well, we'll be. Yeah. Because the three of us are going… After the show, we're going to see Zeezy. Yeah. So, we're going to Phantom. We're going to Phantom. It's a proper night out.

We'll see you down. It's easy. He's after the show. Yeah. See you down Phantom. Yeah. I mean, is there a way we can contact Lloyd Webber and like try and create a kind of package deal ticket where you get both the beans show, a meal as easy starter and main course.

If you want to, it's a surcharge of four pounds. And then tickets to see Phantom of the Opera and a meet and greet with the cast. The greatest pizza ever told. And then Elaine Page takes you home in her minibus. I tell you what, it's true that if you ever go and see Phantom in the interval, in the toilets, the amount of Zeezy dumps can sort of smell. Digestive tracked talk. Spiced Italian meats.

It's like you're walking into a Zeezy. A sort of salami dump thug. Well, they didn't pump that a lot of that out. They pumped that out and they used that for the sewer scenes. In the second half now. So it's actually, they've managed to make it work. So it smells so cheesy. Exactly.

And in the sewer scenes, they've replaced the pontoon, the kind of boat thing that he uses. It's kind of like a punt, isn't it? They use it to go through the sewer. He stands on a giant banana sundae dish. That's right. He does now, exactly. And it steps off onto a giant garlic bread pontoon. Yeah, it's so.

Yeah. And the chandelier that comes down now, sort of dispenses Parmesan doesn't onto the audience. As it flies over your heads, it showers everyone in Parmesan. So they've really thought it through. It's real. It's a great, what we call brand fusion, isn't it? Absolutely.

Brand synergy. They've achieved total brand synergy now. And when you get your pizza in Zeezy now before the show, you can get it as a Phantom Mars. Or in the form of a song. Or in the form of a song. You can have your pizza sung to you by drama students. So yeah, we very much, I think, see the 3D Bean live show

as a kind of starter. Phantom pre-show. Yeah, it's kind of part of the Phantom universe, I think. Yeah. Yeah. So please come dress us all your favourite Phantom characters. It could be Phantom of the Opera himself. Yeah.

Sarah Brightman. Sarah Brightman. It could be Andrew Lloyd Webber. Who a bit like, it's a bit like Hitchcock, isn't it? Andrew Lloyd Webber himself appears in every performance, doesn't he, Phantom? As the mood. And that's all the performances all around the world, isn't it?

Yeah. Which is why he's so fucking busy. Always. He's always on the go. Tim Rice has retired from the shooting star role, but he might reprise it for this night. Yeah. Yeah.

And as we said, we very much see the Bean live show. It might be quite confounding for people who aren't into Phantom, but it's kind of like the pre-story of Phantom, really. Yeah, exactly. It's like a pre-quarter Phantom, basically. Yeah. I think on the 17th of September, they're doing a three-bean edition, where there's a spot the Bean game going on throughout the show.

They've hidden different types of Beans, Mung Beans, I don't know, Beans, and so on around the set, and on some of the performers. And you get kind of like a bingo card. Yeah, it's going to be a lot of fun. And what do you shout out when you see the Bean? Bean Go! That's right.

When you've seen it, when you've got a full... Yeah. Yeah. A house of Beans. Yeah, a bingo. And every time that happens, Sarah Brightman will be lowered onto the stage in a sort of glass case full of water. She'll be chained up and she'll escape.

And then the manhunt begins. Well, for whom, prison Sarah Brightman in a box of water? Well, no, she then starts running, right? We give her five minutes. She starts running. The big clock comes up. You give her five minutes. They read out the rules, which is that she can go anywhere on mainland Britain,

and she can use any transport. Yeah. And my tip is to be quick, because what she does do to help you, she's got a ZZ's pepper grinder on her back that's constantly sprinkling ground black pepper. Until that runs out, she is leaving a trail. But it is one of those really tall big ones, isn't it? So that's going to keep dispensing for quite a long time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Six, seven hours, isn't it? Yeah. And the trick is she always just goes to ZZ's. Yeah, yeah. Well, she's medically addicted, isn't she? She can't live, you know, beyond, yeah. If she spends six hours and doesn't eat as easy, she's toast. Yeah.

And it's hard. They're very nice to her, because she will always claim it's her birthday when she gets there. And they see her every day. And they know it's not, can't always be her birthday. I'll still sing though, won't I? They do sing for her. They bring her out a special plate. A slice of cheesecake with a sparkler in it at the end.

So to be part of that, you can get a Patreon presale at the moment, or later this week, general ticket release for both in the room and live stream. Live, live, live, live, live, live. Mike might be, I mean, last time Mike was wearing flip flops. Will he wear flip flops again? Yeah, that's good. A lot of people sort of on social media pointed out that my legs were very restless during the show. Oh, yes.

I'll try and sort of curb that somehow. Was that restless leg syndrome, by the way? Because it had all the hallmarks. My legs are quite restless anyway, but I think I was a bit nervous. So I think all of my nervous energy made its way. I'm not really used to being on Saturday as much as YouTube are. So all my nervous energy made its way into my knees. You could literally see it.

So it's not restless leg syndrome if your legs are quite restless anyway? Well, I think I do have restless leg syndrome to disclose some medical information to the listener. Having been press gangled into that, by Henry, needlessly, thoughtlessly. Sorry, I've just been out here. But I think in the live show it was mainly something, it was to do with my nervous energy, I think, needed to go somewhere. I think for this live show, I'll try and, I don't know. Maybe raise it up to the crotch.

There's a wiggle in your chin. Yeah, so many questions, isn't it? Who knows? I've discovered sandals as well since last show. So I might have them a feet on display as well. Have people all been? Well, I've discovered. I don't know if I'm going to have mine on display or not.

I mean, there was... Well, I tell you what. It wasn't all positive feedback about this. No, it wasn't. There was a backlash, definitely. Yeah, there was. I tell you what, you've got... You haven't got as much to worry about as me in that area,

because I've discovered simultaneously that I have... Well, I have discovered sandals, but I'd almost exactly the same time I've discovered that I have fully foot encasing athletes first. Is it so complete that you didn't realize you had it because you just thought it was your skin? Yes. Oh, God.

I thought I had dry skin all over my feet, but it turns out I've got fungus all over my feet. Oh, God. I also have toothache, so I'm basically sort of falling apart from both ends. Maybe your toothache is just some referred pain from your feet. There's so few of them. They're shooting painrays into your gobs.

It could be. Do something. Do something! God. Oh, God, it could be, you know. So anyway, hopefully that'll be cleared up by September. Hopefully. But it could be just me and Ben and Martin Kemp

replacing Henry if things get worse with Henry. We don't know. But that's part of the fun. That's part of the experiment. And the main thing to remember is this wasn't an episode. No. This isn't an episode. That's why it's so short and snappy.

You're not listening to an episode. Thanks, guys. Although if you're a Sean Bean or Pinto Bean member of the Patreon, a whole bonus episode will be with you today. So enjoy that. Until next time, next week. We'll see you then.

Back on the horse. Ta-ra! Goodbye. Goodbye.