Three Bean Salad - Fire

Episode Date: June 7, 2023

Hazel of Bremen throws lukewarm caution to the wind and has the beans discuss FIRE! Some sage words on friendship (and eyebrow) management are included and it will come as no surprise that Henry’s employment history is once more in the mix.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladGet in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

I just give me some terrible news. Yeah, I didn't, I didn't prepare you very well for either, did I? Oh my God, Ben. No. This was kind of saying, this has just been absolutely less than in how I'm not to handle these. We were having quite a nice chat before then. I remember the lovely old time.

I was in high spirits. You've had your porridge. I've had my porridge with hot blackberries. Hot blackberries. Yeah. Wow. I wanted it to the health kick and I've decided that the key to it is hot blackberries. Okay. Ben, we've all been through this phase. There's always, health kicks often, very often involve an extreme view on berries and temperature. Yes. But there's a kind of alchemy, there's an alchemical sort of combination of the two that we'll solve. The microwave, the blackberry for so long that it has no possible nutritional value.

Yeah, completely. No longer. It's just some roof of your mouth burning mush. Now that's my health cake. I'm a trucker with hot blackberries. So anyway, my body's a no if it's coming or going. What's going on? Some people plunge themselves into the icy North Sea.

Yes. You shot from the inside with heat. Ha ha ha ha. I'm ingesting hot blackberries in every orifice. Ha ha ha ha. Because of course your body has absolutely no, there's no playbook for this, there's no manual sent for hot blackberry,

because in nature, there's no way in nature a blackberry could ever be that hot. No, exactly. It's a nice, it it being struck by lightning. And even then you've got to be really on it. You've got a season on that black... I mean, in the moments after the strike, you've got a season. Yeah, and to be...

And you need to be a squirrel that's got more than just a little bit of something about him, to experience to be that close to a light. You need to be a squirrel with a pair of rubberized oven mittens. I don't know. And a tiny welding mascot, I'll give you. Yeah. To be that close to a lightning strike, and then after just that just opportunistically thinking, I'm just going to try that hot

smoke in blackberry. Give that a go. I mean, the boat's gonna be marked now, but when I'm on late night TV selling the Ben Patrick Hopp Blackberry... Reggie? Yeah. With the special mini oven, the special, and also what you need is the nuclear oven. The special nuclear oven.

Using Higgs-Boson technology. You'll need to say things like that Also one thing we might help you is because what I'm picturing is this is a kind of thing which they sell in American infomercials And also if you've been to Oh God, why might be opening up a whole new high street shop for us to chat about that we've never touched on But if you've been in a robaret. No, notberat. No, not Holland or Barrett. We're not ready for that yet. Robert Dias.

I don't think there is a Robert Dias in my local area. I think it might be a robberat thing, maybe. I don't know what it is. I thought it was so far. Oh, damn. Is it not so far? No. Oh, I didn't know that was a London thing.

No, well, it might not be. I don't know. It's, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just all your household items in one slightly practical space. No, anything practical. So hoovers, wet mobs, dry mobs, row after a battery, light bulb corner. Okay, I'm about to rather you.

I'm about to rather you. She's great at Boulevard. We could go on. We could go on. We sometimes do. The meat hammer highway. Now permanently closed. Again, there's no getting around it. It's a mid-laid space.

You simply don't notice up until the age of about 30. So you're saying, Mike and I may be too cool and youthful. You might be too cool and youthful for it. To be the notice one. But the other thing that's weird about it is it's staffed exclusively by awkward sort of teenagers. So there's a real expertise sort of gap. So there's no interest in the garlic crushes at all.

They don't care. They don't know what it is. Exactly. Exactly how heavy duty are these bin bags? You can be an answer. LAUGHTER Because look, we will... You know what I'm talking about, you know,

things often claim to be heavy duty, don't they? I've heard of me, but are they always? You know what I'm talking about, don't you? Hello? Are you looking at the... The literature is not labeled on the... Is it 40? What are we talking here?

Because I've got a 30-dipedal bin. Hmm? Don't want overhang. Do you understand me? I've got guests coming this weekend. Okay, so this tinfoil is claiming to be extra long, but in which direction? Sorry, we're Robert Dies. There's a lot going on.

We also have information running. Oh, is it the JML thing? So in being cues, you're often there'll often be a little television and there'll be like, smash eggs the new way with the new egg smasher from JML. And it's always a kind of, it's just a simple 15 stage process. Exactly. It's little things that are meant to revolutionize your life, but that you would never use. I wish I could do the voice properly, because he's got this very distinctive JML voice.

It's kind of like the JML egg smash. No. Yeah, no, you're right. It's that slightly English voice that no one actually uses in real life. Yeah. It's a bit like the guy who does the voice over on Strictly, so it's not an email from that.

Yeah. It has the same strange choice. You just thought they'd gone for some earthy trusts, were the regional accent rather than that. Yes, could point, no, it's much more than the voice of it. No, it's very much. It's much more clearly snake-ar-alsalesment.

It's kind of... The new nylon hedgehog hotel from JML. It's like, yeah. It's often solving problems that you didn't know that were problems. They have a logic to them, which is when you start watching them, they kind of, they're giving you microdoses of dopamine, essentially, the way they work. Because what will happen is, it'll be like, the Julian 5000, and you'll be like, okay, that voice has peaks, my interest, I'm getting a little hit off,

the Julian 5000. You've nailed the voice, by the way, I mean, that's it, yeah. 5000 also, 5000, I know for a fact, is a high number, I can't deny that. So, and however, finally, the Julian, a carrot, or a onion, or whatever it may be, you've never done it to the factory of 5,000. Exactly.

You can't achieve that by hand. Exactly. So I'll think, you know what, this is, yeah, obviously I'm not going to buy this, but I'm not on his yet, but it has peak main interest with the whole idea of Julianning and the 5,000. Those two things combined with the voice, Julian, 5,000. I'm going to just have a look at it on my way, either two or throw the light bulbs. Can I add the always the products? Quite high up in the list of reasons why you should buy it. Even if it isn't going to make a difference and doesn't really seem to have any relevance to the product, it's always non-stick in some way.

That's right, this mini-headrock hotel is completely nonstick. Again, it's solving problems that you didn't know that you had, but also just the concept of nonstick, just wait for it, you'll feel a microdose of dopamine, nonstick. Yeah. It's causing through my brain right now. It's undeniable, because sticking, you know, is bad. It's bad, yeah, it's bad to be stuck to things. No one's ever said, have you told you that the wonderful story about how I got stuck,

doesn't happen. Stuck is always bad. So nonstick is ever always good. Can I also put forward another hallmark of GMM on the products? So they're always nonstick, but also at some point he's always going to say, it's 181. Yeah. Like this thing is always going to have loads of ways of using it. But what they do is they're always upping the ante, so the grip you with something small that just see you see you have a quick look at it. And then it'll be the Julian 5000 was Julian, potatoes, eggs, mushrooms, cheese, sandwiches, pasta, tomato sauce, friends, ideas, sofas. And the amount of things that Julian's,

because it keeps coming at you, you just can't, you sort of can't, you basically can't take your eyes off it, because it keeps on giving you more than you, so that dopamine keeps going up and up. And so for example, one trick they do is, they'll go, which is brilliant, they'll go, not one, not two, but seven.

Oh, they'll always, they'll jump. Yeah, they're always upping the factor by which things are being multiplied. So your brain is going to go, one, two, I guess next one. What? What? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And when you wake up, you're basically, or, well, you've got all you've got is you get in five thousand. That's all you've got.

And then revive you. Because a lot of people have to be revived by these. When you're revived, yeah. They've already put it in your boot of your car. The receipt on the passenger seat. But also your car is now made of boxes is you get in five thousand in the shape of your car. Often, the other thing is they often come with... And six free pairs of application gloves.

That's right. These application gloves are completely free. That's what I think has been for your product. You're going to want to add application mitts. Oh, I see. The mitts. Or... So I need more accessories around the hot black precinct. Yeah. Also, there'll be a science bit bit which I'm picturing for your video. It'll be quite good because often there'll be molecules. You're the molecule.

A black really lends itself very nice to the anyway to incorporate that. Exactly. Molecular diagram. Because it looks like molecules, doesn't it? Is what you mean? Yeah. Exactly. Exactly.

You're way ahead of me here mate. This is cooking. This is working then. I'm Yeah, exactly. You were ahead of me, mate. This is this is cooking. This is working, then. I'm feeling something here. I think it was the first time ever. I've said, I've said something in my condo. Did it? I didn't like it. I didn't like it. But it's no quinsons that you were brought together by blackberries. The other thing they'll often do is, it'd be like, the D-slimeifier, 7 million. And there'll be a guy pouring slime all over stuff. So, you'll see, there'll be a bit in the video, which is almost a bit comedy, right? It's like, why is he doing that?

He's pouring slime all over his kitchen. He's pouring slime all over his bed. And again, and that, yeah. Hmm. But wait, it's okay, because you've got the D-Mess, D-Slamer fly a seven million, and he brings the device out, and all the slime gets sucked up and complete disappears. And it's incredible, the extent to which they can,

you know, D-Slam, or whoever things. They'll be like the face who, or the face, the face who, the face who, the 58 billion. And they'll be someone they'll pull, they'll pull like live ants or like gravel over someone's face and then who's it off. It's quite, it's quite, they are quite, they're quite, they're quite mesmerizing.

I'm thinking I'm, I'm gonna sell a insulated hot blackberry caddy. So you can take them on the go, keep them hot all day. You can drag them around with you and they come out hot. They're kept hot all day. And the other thing is because sometimes there'll be a moment where remember how things used to be or something and they'll be a picture of there will be someone tossing a hot blackberry from from palm to palm

in a state of panic. I'm able to do anything else screaming while his wife scorches his children out of the front door into the car and away. And who's out in the driver's seat? It's your brother. It's your brother. He fails to notice the meteorite that's hurdling doors his house. It's because he's so preoccupied. It's all going wrong. In terms of that thing of like being on a health kick and heating up blackberries, I've totally been there

because I've actually done the reverse bend at a point. I got into... Cold, cold pock medallions. That was right. Mincicles. Exactly. Oh yeah. You know, I got into... You've got to keep them under four degrees

or the parasites wake up. As long as they wake up once they're in your gut, you should be okay. You will fully void yourself for not one, not two, but eight hours. It's no what was your version? But my version was, I got into freezing blackberries or freezing berries, or not so much freezing names, but buying them frozen. I discovered frozen berries at a point. Do you know about frozen berries?

Well, I know what both of those words mean. Yeah, so I think I've heard of it. So you can put them together and improvise what that might. I've got a mental picture, yeah. Yeah, for some reason I got really into frozen berries. But basically, my thing was, I'm a busy guy on the go. I'm looking after my bod. Yeah, this is gonna, this is the new me.

All I do is I pour my special K into a bowl, I open up the freezer, I take up my very, very heavy bag, a frozen berries, I sort of avion to the work surface. And then simply starcheslin' chislin' chislin' chislin' chislin' chis simply start chiseling. Chiseling away. No, the steak knife's not going to do it. No, you're going to need something more solid.

No, you're going to have to love them at the corner of the table. That's not doing it either. That's not doing it, especially. Chopping knives isn't doing it. You're going to smash them in the car door outside. You're going to smash the car door. And once you've chiseled off, because the other thing

which happens is once the berries are frozen, what they do is they accumulate and they form one sort of shapeless mega-berry. A berry-berg. A berry-berg. But you try to new chisel off, literally just a shape. You can't even see the distinctive features of a berry, the mini globules. Yeah. You just have to take it on trust that they're in there somewhere. Yeah, but it's just like a lump of matter. Or glass, essentially. It's sort of deep, deep purple glass. Sweet, sweet glass.

Then you put that into your bowl. You pour the milk on. Milk's quite cold, but it's less cold than the very bug. It very, very, very slowly starts to soften it a bit around the edges. If you've ever had to make a bowl of nays, and you've not given yourself enough time to defrost the mints. LAUGHTER Paul Colesnil, on it. Ben, you must have been in this situation, right? You know, you're willing, that block of mints to defrost.

You're looking at going, please, for the love of come on, please. You're putting it under the warm tap. You're panicking. It's the Christmas ball of nays. It's the Christmas ball of nays. This is a huge emotionally for everyone for the whole family. The Christmas ball of nays is the only thing keeping us together. The vickers on his way. I think the port with aliens inside everyone's stockings

thawed overnight, I think we're going to be okay when they wake up. That's going to buy us some time. You know when you're scraping off that softened mint, something outside. Yes, but there's still that hard core. Still that hard core. That hasn't changed at all, yeah. And also this part of you, the back of your mind going,

there's a very small chance I might kill everyone. No, ignore that voice, ignore that voice. Press on with making the ball of nays. Better not to be embarrassed by a late lunch. At least I'll try not to be embarrassed. And then that final thought is the last chunk of defrost in the pan. Now you know what we've done?

Mike had some bad news to give us. And then we danced around it and we talked about other things because we know it's hard sometimes to face up to the bad side of life, bad things that happen. Yeah. And what we've just been doing was it was so British, you know way, wasn't it? Or all that. Everything we've just said was simply a way of avoiding the emotionally difficult thing that was happening between us and Mike.

Yeah. And how badly I relayed that news to Ben, who better all people would be first hurt by that news, and I knew that. So yeah, we do know that we do know the headline of the news, Mike, you can, well, the news I've broken to Ben was that my, my high on diet and is dead. Oh, God. Christ. My God. It's high onead. It's high undead. It's been with us for a long time. It high undied.

Why, Ten? It's very nearly 14 years old. It's a decent life for a dog. Yeah. It's decent life for a medium size dog. So we've both had Hyundai i10s. Do you understand that by reporting the death of your Hyundai i10? Well, you're having to face the mortality of your own. Exactly. Exactly. So it's not just grief for yours, Mike.

It's also an understanding that mine isn't going to last forever. No, but yours is your Hyundai i10, that is surely, I mean, in the summer of its life, it's not the late spring, I mean, it's still thriving. It's not getting on in years, is it? Yes. Well, it's the same age as yours. Is it? It's 14 years old. Yes, the same age as yours. We, our cars, Mike, rolled off the production line at the same time. Well, I always thought yours was a couple of years younger.

No, I mean, mine looked, because I used to wash it. Ah, okay, that's it. It wasn't completely disgusting. And I hadn't put a large dog in the back of it at any point. Right, okay. No, I was both 2009 models that rolled off the production line, I think, together. I think they were twins. Oh.

Sorry, I just realised that I talked about my Hyundai in the past tense then, I said it was. Oh dear, Michael! Michael! What have I done? What have you done? So what happened, Mike? Overworked, like an old nag.

Yeah. Paulie treated overworked, like an old nag. Yeah. Poorly treated, overworked, too many miles. This lovely little nip about the city car. It's been made to Garfun down the country. Here they're in there. On gigs and whatnot. And it just was just exhausted. Of course, of death. Oh, I've, catalog of many small and medium sized errors and strange noises and things coming loose and things falling off and weird squeaking sensations and pedals feeling a bit odd underfoot and the sucking in between the teeth of a man in quickfit repeatedly time and come. How did he deliver the news?

He didn't really, explicitly, more with that exasperated sort of you again look. You know, when you've turned up again at Quickfit, you again, and then sort of what exactly is that you expect me to do or say sort of all wrapped up in a single look? So it wasn't handled gently, I think, again, I think it should have been handled gently by hand, because it should. And maybe that's why I then didn't handle it, generally, was better now. Yeah. These things get passed on, do they? Because it should have been, you know, Mike, think of your high end eye, I tend as being

asleep. And maybe this time we don't wake her up. Did you mean? That would have been nice. Because there comes a point where there's so many things wrong with the car isn't it? It's like maybe it is now time to... It's suffering. Yeah.

And maybe you're keeping it going for you, Mike. Which I was. More than for her. And maybe it's time, maybe it's time just to... Maybe you're keeping it going for you, Mike. Which I was. More than for her. More than for her. And maybe it's time, maybe it's time just to... Not mention all the things that are wrong with it and send it to a teenager.

LAUGHTER LAUGHTER There comes a time in every eye tens life when it turns the final corner You served as well, me and my grateful wife Think of you as a daughter Why by high and I you never left us I am dry Why did you have to die? Let's turn on the beam machine. This week's topic are sent in by Hazel. Hello Hazel. From that fine northern German town of Braemen. It's fire. Fire. There's two types of person in a way who is on fire and wondering.

Exactly, and we're all somewhere on that spectrum aren't we? We can all find ourselves. Now I was gonna say, good, sort of essentially, arriving in a hired cottage, Airbnb, or holiday let, makes a B line for the stove, the learning stove. Yeah, there's people that can, that can't, or that command, or don't command that, that area, and go.

Oh, similar to those who command the barbecue space, of course. Yeah, yeah. Similar to those who might offer unsolicited parking advice. It's classic, it's classic. Play the jingle. Ha ha ha ha. It's time for Provincial Dad Chat. Who's hit my bloody walking boots? I'm not saying it's ruined the holiday. I'm just saying I asked for run raisin.

Get your skates on, get otherwise we'll miss the inflatable session. She's taking her mother to see blood brothers, which means more top gear time for me. Why would I need to go and see a podiatrist? Of course I've kept the warranty information darling. Yeah! The provincial dad, of course, is wrestling with ancient concepts of what it is to be a dad, what it is to be a man. And one of those, and it's most essential, is the mastery of fire. Yeah. The husbandry of fire. Yeah. Hmm. The husbandry of fire.

Can you, do you husband it, Mike? Well, no, I think as we've established, although I am very much nailed on provincial dad, I'm one of the weaker members of the pack. And certainly in a group of provincial towns would never be the one that was called upon to build the campfire, to man the barbecue, to get the wood burning stove into life. Although I'm definitely someone who has, I'm definitely one of the people on the moth end of the spectrum. I'm on. Definitely. He's sort of intrigued by fire. I mean, had the ages of childhood to sort of sort of play a bit with fire, not to commit

arson. No, no, no, no, no, it's going to be a, you're going to confess something. This is going true. Yeah, this isn't the beginning of the confessing that I'm actually a serial killer all along, but it was, yeah, but I definitely had a bit of pyro fascination as a kid. I did, I mean, for example, one of my closest friends is a child managed to accidentally burn off his eyebrows. Right? Okay.

That's a funny coincidence, isn't it, that a friend of Mike who was pyro obsessed when he was a kid happened to accidentally burn off his eyebrows? I wonder how on earth that could have happened. This is a case for detective, not even being a detective because it's so bloody obvious what happened. He makes eyebrows off. I might have blown off his eyeballs as well we're not for the fact that thank God he was wearing quite a

decent pair of specs at the time. So you know what happened? Was mucking about with those can, did you do that mucking about with cans of links, little flame throw things? I'm obviously aware of it. I don't think I have actually did it. I was too to afraid that the can would somehow explode Yeah, that was the rumor that the yeah that the it would suck into the in yeah, you have a little grenade That's a classic fear of the non-arsenist Ben that you were experiencing there Which apparently not something that might have to have to struggle against my you took a essentially a homemade flame thread to your friend's face

Well, not intentionally no we were mucking about in the bathroom of my house with this kind of links and some, we were just mucking about and jostling back and forth a bit. And it just got to the point where both of us had hands on the thing and the flame went up. And I was arguably in more control of it than he was at the time. I certainly didn't intend to flamed to go anywhere near him, but it did briefly pass over his face and it was a case of goodbye all these fringe and certainly goodbye all these eyebrows, just dust, immediate dust. It's quite compelling argument for arms control, isn't it? Because that anecdote taken place in

America, that wouldn't be a kind of links on a match that would be a Smith and Wes and sort of nine minutes. It would be a 40 millimeter anti tank gun. Yeah. With two 14 year old boys at play. And you'd been playing around yeah with a gun because you'd have heard a story which is that if you hold a flame in front of a gun while shooting it then the bullet on fire, and you can fire a flaming bullet into someone. That, that, yeah. Did you get into a big heap trouble for that?

Or was that amazingly we didn't? I think because we were quite unattended and I think because he managed to make his way, I mean, I think, I did think I ever told my parents what had happened. I mean, he certainly would have turned up back at his house with no eyebrows, you know. And a family who probably would have cared,

but it's quite a big family, a busy family. There's a lot going on, all boys. Yeah. So I don't know if it was just absorbed into the general chaos of the day. I mean, I have to assume that his parents would have known what had happened and known where it'd been and would have, my car would have been marked.

But it's in the hubbub my right. In the hubbub at least. In the hubbub of a busy house with children, you know, everyone's to get ready for school so it's why it's so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so? Things go missing, things they turn up. Also, you've got the easy excuse of saying that you've decided to become a professional swimmer and that it's going to take 0.0 for a time on the 100 metres freestyle. Marginal games, it's all about marginal games. Yeah, at the under 50s level, yeah, it's all about marginal games. And I mean, it's quite a sort of stretched excuse, isn't it, that it normally does that? You've had to remove your friends' eyebrows. Those are the margins, mother. Bad business.

Poorly. Very poorly treated friend. Still a friend, amazingly. He should have ditched me years ago. He's all right, though. He took a Spanish lover in Barcelona and never looked back. Wow. And do you think the Lack of Vibrates help with that? He became sort of an interesting... I don't know, but maybe he just knew that he just needed to get away. Yeah.

Get away from me and that that would be a safer space and a happier space. And he was right. He's thriving. Long glossy eyebrows. Long, lovely, long, the gloss, sun kiss. Lovely, sun kiss eyebrows now with high lights in them, just thick I'm not going to be talking about that. I'm not going to be talking about that. I'm not going to be talking about that. I'm not going to be talking about that. I'm not going to be talking about that. I'm not going to be talking about that. I'm not going to be talking about that. I'm not going to be talking about that.

I'm not going to be talking about that. I'm not going to be talking about that. I'm not going to be talking about that. I'm not going to be talking about that. I'm not going to be talking about that., because you had to become a professional swimmer to... To, uh... Exactly. ...to justify your crime, to come up for you,

to come up for a friend, you had to become... I think we can reveal it now, some Michael Felt. LAUGHTER Have you given Michael Felt's a night-dirt? LAUGHTER Well, I'm revealing that as well, there's double reveal. LAUGHTER Yeah, it's certainly by the time I'm 64, eat well, certainly now, and by the time I'm 64, even more so, he'll overpower me in seconds, and I'll just have to submit and allow him

to just flamethrower whatever he wants off me, and that'll be fair play. That's just reminded me of a couple of incidents of when you're, as a kid accidentally committing quite bad physical harm to your friends. It just reminds me of a time I was with a friend of mine who, for the purposes of podcasting, I'm going to call Bob T. Bob, Bob T. Bob, I think there was a Bob T in last, in a previous episode. It was your brother last time. Was there a Bob T in the last one? I think it was Bob 3 actually. It goes Bob 3. So this is Bob T.

So I've called him Bob T because his name is a normal name with T on the end in real life, but not Bob. Mr T. OK. OK. Right. We were filming a little series called The Aiden. At the time Nana said any idea was going to take off.

We were just like, this is just another show about some guys in a van going around helping people. We had no idea. We should make more of the fact that you were in the AC. I know. I know. It's one of those things where it's like, everyone knows about it. I mean, I just, I don't like showing off about what it, yeah, for me, it's like, you played the red stripe on the van, didn't you? That's right, I played the red stripe on the left side of the van. Not to the side of the van using the credit sequence, unfortunately, they, um, and that's made a big difference.

The amount of residuals you get, isn't it? Huge difference. The residuals I've got because I'm basically, I'm always on the, um, the non-camera facing side of the van. And, uh, yeah, I also didn't get any, I mean, I just had to cling on for dear life. I didn't, I didn't, I wasn't Liam. Was it different times, different times? No, no, safety checks. You just got to dig your nails in. Nowadays, when you're a striper and a van, you, you have your own van striped therapist who helped on the day, who's, there has to be

there to help you through it. And not one, not two, but nine different kinds of adhesives. Yeah, I was basically at home playing with my friend parents are put in in the care of you know yep you've got my family. You see your jeeps my place my jeeps. Now I said no no come on this is two of us eight well they're my jeeps for starters but even if they work my jeeps I'm saying we have one Jeep each that seems fair and he's like, no, I want both the jeeps. Very much coming across as the hero of your own story so far.

Yeah, that's about to change though. So the important thing to realize at this point is that this conversation was happening at the top of quite a steep staircase. Oh. Ah. Okay quite a steep staircase. Oh, ah. Check off staircase. Check off staircase. I said to Bob, okay, well, give me that jeep. I said, I didn't want both jeeps. Give me one of those jeeps,

or I'm going to push you down the stairs. Delivered that coldly. I'm nervous. Do you have any questions? I'm nervous. Do you have any questions? I'm nervous. Do you have any questions? I'm nervous. Do you have any questions? I'm nervous. Do you have any questions? I'm nervous.

Do you have any questions? I'm nervous. Do you have any questions? I'm nervous. Do you have any questions? I'm nervous. Do you have any questions? I'm nervous.

Do you have any questions? I'm nervous. Do you have any questions? I'm nervous. Do you have any questions? I'm nervous. Do you have any questions? I'm nervous. Do you have any questions? I'm nervous. in my lips that become really, really intensely cherry-red, and my face has become completely A4 paper white. Yeah.

And I've only just noticed that your left hand is made entirely of solid gold. That's right. I've always had a solid gold hand. Well, certainly since this incident. So yeah, I do tend to burnish it up, polish it a bit before you have your story, so that's why it's... Yeah. And you'll see the gleams coming off the gold hand will be catching in my 100% sapphire

left hand. You notice in the way the glimpse catch off you. Oh, yeah. Beautiful, but menacing. And the other thing, of course, you'll have noticed, is there's a blue vein, the size of a really, really generous, big French sausage-saucec, rolling straight down the middle of my head, completely straight down the middle.

Yeah. And it's pulsing. Well, I didn't want to say, but yeah, yeah. It's pulsing, so it's like a sausage-saucec with kind of kind of a shaped pulses. Running down it, do you see every? Yeah exactly every three seconds pulse pulse Pulse that was me I was speeding up there, but yeah, and you're stroking with your other hand a

Badu old black tortoise With a fork tongue Alphard the great yes And yes, yes, he is wearing a World War I German helmet. That's right. He does have portaste, doesn't he? He can be the off-cum-me. When he's wearing, on his head or his shell, on his shell, that's why it's hard to, because it's almost exactly the same shape as his shell.

So he, he's shelled himself and then got inside a sort of, world-or-one Kaiser helmet. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. And can I just say, for the record, it's just because he's interested in the period historically. It does not want to restructure Europe in any significant way. Yeah, so, so he said, I said, give us, truck, so I'm going to push down the stairs. Give us the truck. He said, no. He still said no. And I said, this is my last warning, then push down the stairs, give me the truck now. I see you did give me the last warning. He got the last warning. I think he got a last warning.

He then said, no again again and down he tumbled. Like a rag doll, toft hitherto the left to the right, head into the sharp bit of us. What's it called the sharp angle between the between the two bits of a stare as it goes down? Oh, I remember what it's called. It's called, ow! To the left, to the right, he was tossed. His legs flailing, flailing like overcooked spaghetti. There was no hinges in him. His child's hands desperately grasping on the two jeeps.

Desperately hanging onto them. And you could hear the jeeps whack, whack, whack, as he went down. He was being tossed around so much. At one point, he was being tossed back up again. He went up again a bit, down again. Because he'd positioned a small tram pet at the bottom of the flight of stairs.

I had. First of all, very perfect. Yeah, yeah. And did you then do it over the line? Oh, I see you've met my friend. Consequences. Yes, that's right. Consequences, the snake.

Attack, attack, attack, consequences. It was sort of conditioned and did Bobji end up in. Yeah, did he die straight away? Or was it more of a later in hospital? It was sort of conditioned and did Bobji end up in? Yeah, did he die straight away? Or was it more of a... Dates when hospital got in? They say he actually died. And only the fourth step down.

Before even hit the top. Because it's happened. Or even hit the trampette. We could have pulled consequences as Nick straight off his neck. We didn't have to be so delicate with it. Yeah, no, he, no, he was in a lot of pain. I'm not proud of this, obviously. Yeah, so those are the things that can happen when you're,

as a kid, did you ever, did you ever really, really badly had a friend, then? I don't think I did. I'm just racking my brains, but I think I'm not a psychopath think I did. I'm just racking my brains. But I think I'm not a psychopath, I think. Maybe that's what it is, Ben. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I've certainly appeared in a couple of pilots for jobs that went to series to a job not invited back. Oh, that's a firing. But you don't really get fired. Yeah, yeah. But you don't get fired. I've never had the satisfaction of someone saying, you're fired. It's more like they just, it's very much don't call us, we'll call had the satisfaction of someone saying you're fired. It's more like just it's very much

Don't call us will call you scenario, but that's how it happens, isn't it? It's done by radio silence. Yeah, and that's almost more it's almost more cruel for that Sometimes, isn't it? Yeah, you don't realize you've been fired till a year later when you see the series and you're A hundred minutes. See per se they see jean Nich Nicolk Kidman's face on top of mine. Why I think? I've lost out to Kidman again. I... Well, the getting fired and it's getting let go. No difference.

No, no difference. So, someone's fired you with the softly softly approach. Okay. We agreed to a parting of paths. I worked in an advertising, a TV company that made ads and stuff. It was an accumulation of events, it was an accumulation of incidents essentially.

I went going to them all individually, but there was a shoot in a house, we were shooting a soap pad in an old, very, very nice old house, full of old furniture and antiques and crockery and, you know, yeah. And well, I was just the runner, so I was just just just helping out moving furniture and doing things.

There was a, I broke every single antique plate on the wall, on one wall that was covered in antique plates. I broke all of them. Every single plate on the wall, I broke. Did you finish that? So basically, it was just like very nice old lady who owned this fabulous beautiful house in Notting Hill or something, it's an incredible house. They were using this location. And they'd taken down all the plates of this wall to film something in there. I had to put all the plates back on the walls. Each plate was... Well, for one thing I'd say, a plate belongs in a kitchen cupboard or on a dining table being used.

Why are these plates attached to walls? Fabric, do you know what I mean? In the first place, you're wasting a plate there. But each of these plates was mounted on the wall in a sort of little metal mechanism, which had a little, a L-shaped metal thing that was I said he's my Yeah, because they were so valuable

Farty valuable to risk eating off or to risk putting in a kitchen cupboard These need to be these need to be in the charge of of this young graduate this young graduate. Each plate was mounted on the one in a little L-shaped metal thing that was screwed into the wall, which had a tiny spring in it and what it did is you place the plate in it and the spring caught on the back of the plate and it sat and sat and sat and a very, very slight angle against the wall and did look quite attractive to be fair. So there's walls covered in them. So I was placing all the plates back on is just careful Henry breathe. In it goes hinge, slip in, spring, mount,

test it steady, release, move on to the next plate. Good system. Lift the plate into the L, test it, spring. Yeah, make sure, move on to the next one. I've got a little bit boring so I might think about something else while doing this now. LAUGHTER Um...

Anyway... I would piss you it got to the top, I got to the top. It's pretty much the last one. LAUGHTER I shouldn't have started at the bottom. I thought, do it like I think they did with the pyramids. You start at the bottom, but it's not like the pyramids. You can start at the top in the situation. So what, and then the last, so the last what I put in, I placed it into the whole hinting, placed it,

let go, breathe. I thought that was the end of the story, but that spring had other ideas. I saw the plate. it just went... Yeah. It just popped out, just a centimates it, just... Just the spring, I think the spring had caught or something. And off it popped. And gravity did the rest. So that fell onto the plate underneath it. Which then fell onto the two plates underneath that. Because you imagine it, they're fell onto two plates underneath that because you imagine it,

they're trying to shape each one exponentially broke more plates. So it was like a wave after wave of smash. Smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, smash,. So smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, it was sort of pyramid system of, of smashers, but getting more smashers, and that's just smash, smash, smash, smash, smash, and then all of them then smashed onto the, a side table that was underneath these plates,

which had a very old valuable Victorian teeset on it, so they got complete. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, total smash, fuck, complete, 100%, For complete. For complete. For complete. For complete. Total smash fuck. Complete. 100%. You've not just broken a plate.

You have a smash fuck. That entire walk of antiques. You've smashed fucked it. And your job was to go in there. And the only thing about the job was to be really careful, obviously, and just don't break a plate. Don't break a mug. it'd be terrible if you had to break a cup or a saucer, smash the whole wall. And you know what I experienced then was because there was actually another runner in there with me who's working on the other side of the

room and was that runner then looked at me and I saw in that runner's fate. That was the worst moment of it for me. It wasn't the shards, the shards of ceramic all over the room. And this kind of the kind of fine, giant dust you get from very exquisite China when it's smashed up. You get some fine particles of gold leaf in there. That's right, exactly gleaming. And all these plates had survived the sinking of the Titanic, didn the air. That's right, exactly gleaming. And all these plates had survived the sinking of the Titanic, isn't they? That's right.

They survived the succes of the Titanic. They'd been, yeah, in a sort of trunk that had been present at the back of the psalm, they'd somehow got through that. And they'd been on the first zeppelin flight. Anyway, I just saw the look in his run of face looking at me with... What's the emotion? I didn't even say a name for it. I'm so glad I'm not you.

It was just 100% of just like... The eyes, everything was just saying, Thank God. Fuck, I'm not you right now. Thank God. Well, the weird thing looking back is actually... She'd started giving me those eyes before I broke that plate. Anyway so I had to grovel to the owner of the house.

It was the most idiotic. Yes grovel to this old lady. So that was one incident and then if you're using the commulated, there was also an incident where we're repeated incidents where I discovered, because I didn't know how the world of work functioned at that point. So in the afternoons, back at the production headquarters, I would always go into a sort of room that had lots of big, big tapes on the wall. I said they still use them, bigger than a VHS, like giant cassette tape type things. They kept the ads on, that was stored in this room,

and I'd go there and I'd sit on an office chair and sleep in the afternoons, that's what I thought. So there's that. And then the final thing was, well, also, I think, well, the final thing was the last straw was, was the Petty Cash went went to wonder and Which was the other thing that was supposed to well, I was look when I was asleep in that room. I was looking after it actually I'd say but I

He's the dragon system I sat on top of the pezgy cash box, it's licked. But looking back, I think the real reason, one of the reasons I was fired was that I wasn't positive enough when the owner of the production company ran their science fiction film idea past me. It was a head-bring-fetaly positive about it to be fair. I'm not an idiot. Yeah, anyway, so I, so I, we had a conversation where without saying you're fired, it became clear that you shouldn't return. And I suppose when your defence is like, I had no idea that... I honestly had... there's no way I could have stolen the petty cash.

I was asleep. That was my... That was my... That was your falsetised halibut. Yeah. So I was in trouble. Now to read your emails, thanks to everyone who sent an email to three bean salad pod at gmail.com. Thank you. And obviously we have our normal email jingle that we play, but this week we're

going to play a version sent in by one of you, the listeners. It's from Elizabeth in Louisiana. That's the sound of Louisiana very much so Elizabeths, I had coffee at 9pm and it's 3 in the morning. So of course, I ended up playing the email song to lull myself. Yours wakefully Elizabeth and Louisiana. Ah. And an email, you must give things To the postmasters that came before Hello, Puseman Anything for me today? Just some shit

When you send an email This represents progress Like a robot, chewing a horse. Give me your half. A beautiful horse. Very nice. I love that. That was lovely.

That felt to me like that was, I could imagine that being someone's desert island discs. Yes, imagine that coming up as a song. Well, it reminded me of, you know, the occasionally like rediscovering artists from the 60s that nobody had listened to for 40 years and then they sort of uncover some recordings. It felt like that to me. And they've been living in obscurity somewhere. Exactly. On the Bayou. Yeah. And then they've catapulted the fame. I feel like that's what's going to happen here with Elizabeth. Well, thank you, Elizabeth. That's magical. I could also see that on the soundtrack of a, of a Wes Anderson film. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice coming of age Indie flick. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I was thinking, yeah, more like a sort of

Indie road movie, maybe. Yeah. Yeah. A couple of people driving a battered old Buick. Yeah, I was thinking yeah more like a sort of indie road movie maybe yeah, yeah, a couple of people they're driving a battered old Buick yeah, yeah, yeah across Louisiana and they've had to do something slightly eccentric like transport a dinosaur costume For some reason yeah to a reclusive old man very heartwarming four stars in the Guardian Easily easily. Yeah, they're not gonna They're not going to risk giving that film a chance to review. Come on. No. 89% on Rotten Tomatoes, which is really solid for an indie film. I'd be like, let's go and see that. It's a Thursday. What else we're doing? I mean, it's a Thursday.

And then you go and see it. And if everyone's honest, it's a bit long. Just too long. And also, I know you're not supposed to, I'm taking it to you literally, but literally what was that about the dinosaur suit? Was it just so they could wear it so it looked quirky in the trailer isn't it? That's what it was, yeah. But a great soundtrack. Yeah. Great soundtrack. Definitely getting the CD, yeah. This is from Eugenie, from Hobart, Tasmania. Hello Beans, I recently watched the 2003 Russell Crowe, Naval Epic, Master and Commander, the far side of the world. Decent film. During the viewing, it occurred to me that it was a particularly

Beans friendly movie, particularly for Mike as a provincial dad. And took note of various script moments that I felt were particularly beansy. Imagine my surprise and smuggled when I found not one, but two articles discussing the power of Master and Commander as the ultimate dad movie. Bracket, why are so many guys obsessive Master and Commander in GQ and is Master and Commander the greatest dad movie ever? Oh. Which means that it is perhaps the ultimate mic movie. Anyway, some of the great and powerful lines I jotted down during the movie are as follows.

Four top men let fly. Nice. What's a foot with the top sale there? Oh, no. Weatherly stiff and fast. Oh. Run like stiff and fast. Run like smoke and oakum. And douse that gun's priming.

These are all things that can be heard when Mike's rooting around in the garage. I can hear all those words coming through the house and they're really understanding what they're about. Well my children understand those instructions of course but no one else, but that's who it's for. Lovely, aren't gonna have to check that out. I have to admit, I never saw it. You've never seen it, it's good. Yeah, it's got, I think I assumed it didn't need to,

I think, somehow from the poster in the trailer, I think I just assumed it, I understood it enough about the film that it would just be Russell Gross shouting at some men in some fear, some weather. Well, he's the only he's the only actor that could that congenuinely shout louder than than real thunder Napoleon at Cannons and thunder. So they're able to use real cannons real thunder and no no recording equipment needed. Well, just he just goes straight onto the film itself. Just go straight onto the film.

He's the only man that can shout onto a hard drive. Yeah. I mean, watching him download in data at home is an extraordinary sight. Boomeray. He can shout emails. He can go into the computer. Into his computer. It's extraordinary.

My memory of it is that it's quite good. I think the storylines that they are, they are delivering a dinosaur costume, aren't they? That's a true clue to what I'm saying. That's right, man. Yeah, that's a lot of fun to do. It's got poor bettany in it, isn't it? It has got sort of a brome. It's a bit of a brome-man type thing, isn't it? I think I could have guessed that. Anyway, it feels like the sort of thing where he pops up

all over the place. Who bettany? Yeah, it's a classic bettany pop up, yeah. There was definitely a period, wasn't it? And I think that was the height of it where bettany was just in everything. He used to go to Guy. Quite an odd, it's odd that he became the guy to Guy.

He's a fine actor, but I don't know what he's giving you. So other actors aren't, I don't know. Could it be as simple as just, he's got like, some excellent homemade chutney, he brings with him and you can all have a bit on your, on your sony at lunch? It can be that kind of thing, can't it? Mike in the industry.

Could be that, it can just be a human thing. And he does, he does the biz. Do you know what I mean? He does, yeah. He shows up, he turns up. Yeah, does the biz plus chutney? So when in Cumber? School advice for any prospective actor out there.

Get working on that pic of Lily. Did I ever watch the in the 90s, the TV series Sharp? Yes, with Sean Bean, of course. Yeah, because that's I think a based on, that's also based on naval novels, isn't it? That'll be a naval novel sequence. I'm sure it was quite similar.

He's armhole on it was. He's army. Yeah. You're thinking of Hornblower. Did you know that Paul McGahn was going to play Sharp? I didn't it that'll be a naval novel sequence I'm sure it's quite similar. He's armhole on it was he's army You're thinking of form blower. Did you know that Paul McGahn was gonna place it up? I didn't know that Did you know that then? Do you know that Tom Selik was gonna play Indiana Jones? I? Didn't know that which I think was would have worked quite well. Yeah That's so the moustache mafia talking there isn isn't it? You always look after your own. I've got it.

Well, do get me wrong. Did love a bit of Harrison, but I think I could imagine it. He was under contract with Magnum Pia at the time. Couldn't wriggle out of it. Oh. Did you know that, and I, Patricia Routledge was gonna play Laura Croft. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha No, but yeah, Paul McGahn was going to play Sharp. And he filmed the first few scenes and he injured himself playing five side football. Really?

With people in the crew. And had to be sent home and that was it and Sean Bean got the role. Whoop seepads. But actually we could have been, we could have had end up having a pulmagand here. Of the, uh, the pulmagand lounge. The pulmagand lounge. It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon.com.

Forsage 3P-Sanit. Thank you, Trevor, who signed up on our Patreon. Patreon.com. Thank you. We've been salad. Patreon is your way of getting alfere episode. Also we do a monthly bonus episode, which is normally very long. It's normally kind of a two hour or sometimes. It's a heap.

It's a heap of content. Sure. And if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out in the Sean Bean lounge, or though this week, I'd respect, it's called the Paul McGahn lounge. It's the Paul McGahn suite in the Sean Bean lounge, yeah. Okay. Okay. Which we've, we opened up especially, yeah. To one of this week. It's a very special week. And Mike was there last night, I guess, at the opening of the Porn McGahn suite. Which was a great honor. And we celebrated it with the...

Well, it was the... It was the great monuments of the World Cake Sale, wasn't it? It certainly was. Thank you. And here's my report. The great monuments of the World Cake Sale was held at the Sean Bean Lounge last night, with all proceeds going to the Sean Bean Fund for commissioning flurred to complete work on a special rolling pin that conflattent rents armed to the width of Gossamer so that Sean Bean can watch.

James Wittywood's version of Rio de Janeiro's Christ the Redeemer, rendered in fondant fancies, was widely held to be tasteless in every sense of the word, and he was only saved from expulsion, when Ben Hart and Tonky Wunkywood volunteered to resculpt it with their teeth and mouths into a clear mattress needle. Daniel Bessanne's crench-nitter Aztec pyramids absolutely flew off the trestle table, as did Sarah Sigrist's pineapple upside down Taj Mahal the right way round cake, as well as Sean Gray's Pavlova of that pissing boy statue in Brussels. Barry Dreskell had lovingly reforged the eleventh world's count-jambore memorial rotunda of Manila using Mufi, but perhaps too lovingly as he refused to sell it by the slice.

Much of the chagra of G-Lez and Mark Weils, who made their dissatisfaction known by hurling MC Berlin's rock cake pantheon at it, desecrating the custard shorts of a flaky pastry boys count with the visage of John Coxon. Taliya Penacheti attempted a repair job with a perfectly baked but superfluous nose from Johnny Anderson's tiramisu Sphinx, but Johnny objected to this, saying he'd been saving it especially to gift to Sean Bean. This drew eye from all quarters. A sweet brown nose is still a brown nose, and the mob descended upon that coffee-flavored delicacy, crushing it to oblivion between Kelly's Swiss roll, its Fukushima shrine, and Paul McLeese hanging

cheesecake of Babylon. The event could have spiraled further out of control, were it not for the striking effect of Michael O'Lean, bursting out of his own bighteeric of Kazakhstan-themed wedding cake as a poorly conceived sales tactic. A decent price was fetched for William Werenberg's Lardycake Black Stargate of Ghana, as well as for Simone Williamson's Ecclescake East Island Moai. Nicholas plans a attempt to celebrate New South Wales's big banana in Gato Magique drew no interest, however. Neither did Walter Holberg's highly ambitious rainbow cake tribute to that monument of Sean Beans,

clandestine global power, Denver International Airport. Alex Mack and Daniel were thrilled to obtain the sweeping from under the traceltable at Cut Price before looking the icing often smushing the rest into what they claimed was a can of bananet and reselling it to Jean-Paul Covent. Charlie Rat bought the Tressel table, mistaking it for a victorious bunch version of Ruggard Kipling's Westminster Abbey headstone and tipped the funds raised from £6.25 to well

over the £18,000 target. Thanks all. So, that's the podcast to play us out. A version of our theme tune sent in by one of you lots. Thank you to everyone who's been sending theme tunes in. This one is from Beth from Devon and Harley, not from Devon. Okay. Thanks, Beth and Harley. Dear beans, having recently attended Mike's show in Nottingham,

was it a good one? It was a weirder. I had a lovely old time. Good. I mean, I'm maybe a bad fan, find it otherwise. But hopefully, hopefully someone else did too. We decided to write the Beans theme in the style of the Klesmer music played before the show. Oh, very nice.

Hopefully we've not completely missed the mark with the genre or been inadvertently offensive to the folk of Eastern Europe or Mike. It's short, so if you hate it, it'll be over soon. LAUGHTER PS, we named our weekly quiz team, two bean salad, and you'll be pleased to know, we come last every week. Goodbye, bastards.

Thank you, Beth and Harley. Excellent. So, yeah, until next time, goodbye. Goodbye. Thank you. Goodbye. Goodbye. Thank you. Goodbye.