Three Bean Salad - Flags

Episode Date: September 15, 2021

Hoist the Jolly Beans! Kathy of Bremen invites the beans to discuss flags and they are careful not to miss out memory aids, brownies, sliced bread and the secret to royal longevity.Get in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

Hello, Henry. I seem to have solved your technical. Yeah. It's incredible. It's so crispy. Everything suddenly worked because I was having horrendous sound problems where you guys weren't sounding. I couldn't hear you basically. I could slightly hear you. And it turned out that my, because people often make fun of you and they go, Oh, and he just had to plug it in. Probably did you forgot to plug it in? Which wasn't that I had. I had remembered to plug it in. I

haven't plugged it in deeply enough. People assume that's a binary thing, don't they? It's plugged in. Exactly. It's plugged in or it's not plugged in the spectrum. Turns out that's not true. Something can be plugged in, but not enough. And that's what had happened. And I have been on the phone to experts from several international companies over the last two weeks trying to sort this out. I've sent emails to Australia. I've filled in

online forms. I've talked to two different experts from the company that make, can we say the name of the company? Probably best not to. Okay. Audio tech 5000. Microphone Inc. from Globosonic. The boys from Globosonic. Shout out to those guys. Shout out to those guys. Really nice. I've watched several online tutorials. It's put strain on my relationship. I've been having to borrow hardware off my wife. You guys have witnessed it. I've been highly

stressed, haven't I? I've been pacing up and down. Yeah. I've just not been largely ineffectually. Completely ineffectually. We've tried drop down menus. I've selected so many different things. I can't remember how many things I've selected on my screen today. I've deselected things at times. Reselected things. I've restarted. I've had to email someone to say it's okay. You actually don't have to send me a new audio box. I've said call off the audio box. There's

been a there's been a I've been getting text messages off of a courier company trying to come and swap audio boxes with me because because I told them the old audio box wasn't working. It was. It turns out it was. I disposed of the packaging. I had to I'd already asked my wife if I could use the box to some perfume which she was using for receipts. I'd already secured that deal. Trying to plug your microphone into that. I thought maybe the main thing about an audio

box is the box or at least maybe a lot of it is the box. The audio isn't working. Maybe switch it around. Focus on the box. It doesn't need to be fragrant. I'm currently using an audio box. Is that the smell is one of the five five senses. So we know that the sensors can come in to help out the other senses when one sense has got a problem. Maybe I can we can olfactory this. That's the level of thinking I was going through anyway. High level stuff that high level

throughout all of that. There was a little jack just sort of half dangling out of a hole. There was a and it turns out that I hadn't shoved it up hard enough into the I just hadn't plugged it in for long enough. I'd been probably giving up. Yeah, we're taking fractions of a second here. If it takes a what lesson probably like three quarters of a second. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Then I was probably giving up after maybe two quarters of a second. And that for me, Henry,

says something about your self esteem. I think this is a key that is dangerously high or dangerously low. I would say dangerously low. You can't even back yourself to push a jack all the way into a hole. I thought I'm never going to pull this off. It's just lurching wildly between between the two. I think it's lurching wildly between two. But I tell you what I was the other thing I was getting throughout this two week process was a general sense of creeping tech

malaise which was a kind of irrational thought that on some level, maybe tech just doesn't agree with me. Maybe there's something in the winds of tech that will not blow kindly upon me. Maybe it's something that was established at birth. That you should be sort of sowing big patches of felt together in a tiny cottage in the Hebrides. Exactly. Maybe that's making things out of straw living in a wattle and dorm hut. But I tell you what I do sometimes I

don't know if either of you have this when I'm generally panicking about stuff and I think everything's a bit too much. I have a little picture in my head of an alternate life I could be living and it does involve tomatoes like a bunch of tomatoes on top of each other. Can everybody mention tomatoes? We said and it does actually it's funny you say that because it does involve tomatoes.

No, but I think you're both heading towards a bucolic, you know, veg based life you're painting. No, I was I was imagining you're making you're making big sheets of felt. I'm not quite sure what you're going to do with them. Huge rolls, massives, man size rolls of felt. But all the time you're just eating Mars bars and double decors and twixes and then hoping to god that this felt industry took off in some way but you weren't sure how just

yet. Well, when you pick eye picture then I'm making a big balloon. I'm making a balloon. A felt balloon. A felt balloon. No, but you'll permit your death in. That will permit. I mean it's the first balloon. A hot air balloon. A hot air balloon but the first one. You go up in flames within four seconds of that heat touching it wither to the size of a chestnut. A new plummet to the earth. In my hamper, my hampery, my burning hamper tomb. Full of

tomatoes. Full of tomatoes. But mercifully we can avoid all that because your kit's working now. Oh, I'm cooking on gas and I'm back mate. Holy shit. Sounds. Oh, that is crisp. Oh my lord, that is crisp. I feel like I've just had my ears syringed or you know what people say is like after you've had your ears syringed. Beautiful, crisp, wonderful like cut glass sort of sounds. You can do self syringes. Do you know that? Really? There's some stuff you can drip in your ears by from the

pharmacy and it's like acid stuff and it eats away. It's just bicarbonate of soda, isn't it basically? Basically. So it makes your ear feel all fizzy. It's the nicest sensation a human can have. It's bubbles in the inside of your ears. I'm a bit skeptical of any home remedy that involves bicarbonate of soda because I've had so many problems in my life that I've googled and the solution almost always seems to involve bicarbonate of soda. It's weird how often it comes

up in solutions to different things. Why are you skeptical of it? Have they failed to work? Yeah, because I tried to cure your asthma. I tried to cure a I tried to vaccinate yourself against COVID-19. Basically, I double booked myself. I've got some tickets for the wrong day for a musical. I'm going to sold on the tickets. I was told that if you encrusted it in bicarbonate of soda and then poured on some just some normal home cooking vinegar

and left it for 24 hours. Then you'd be going to Billy Elliot the following day. No, I tried it for some just for a standard carpet tea stain and so I spilled tea on the carpet and it said it's either bicarbonate of soda or baking powder. Again, there's a lot of confusion as to what the difference is. Is there a difference? I don't know. Is there a difference? Not only is there a difference, there's also something called baking soda. Basically, take any combination of baking bicarbonate and soda and powder and rearrange them and

there's a product that's that. Bicarbonate of baking. Soda powder. Anyway, I did this thing so I covered it in this it's always bicarbonate of soda or baking powder one of these things and then normally just a just a standard transparent home vinegar you know like a sort of baking vinegar. You get these vinegars that just they look like water they're just like yeah they're quite a brutal ingredient to use. I don't know what cooking and I don't know what they're for really.

Because they're clear the nose and throat, don't they? They're clear the nose and throat. And it's funny that there's an end of like cooking ingredients that can also strip grease off an oil soaked cat. Or off a tractor engine. Yeah, there's very few things in that Venn diagram of something that you can use to flush out a tractor engine and eat at the same time. Yeah, that's why you've got to be careful with this stuff and that's why well it turns out that it didn't work remotely. It didn't even remotely work

because I ended up with a carpet expert coming around. Well for a start you've I mean that's a con man. What was their specialism? Was it the history of carpets or? He was a carpet all around. Was it the person that curates the Persian rug section in the V&A Museum? I didn't know if it was that man himself but he certainly seemed to know his way around a you know a thread. He got on his hands and knees and he looked at the stain and within seconds he was shaking his head in that you know the universal handyman.

Was he going oh mate you're going to need a new flag Jake? Yeah and he basically said there's nothing I can do about this. You're going to need a new exhaust. New brake pads. You're going to need a new lifestyle. Basically the baking part of the solution I'd done had had a baked essentially a baked in the stain but he said that stain will never ever go. You've made a stain cake. I essentially made a sort of yeah a kind of perpetual stain cake

and the only situation I was I could then do the only thing I then do was either flip the carpet because that but I'd already taken that option several years ago. Is it a rug? Sorry? Is it a rug or a carpet? You can flip a rug. Flipping the carpet is pretty extreme. Flip the flat. Live on the ceiling. I didn't know the difference between rug and carpet. This is mad. This is madness.

Oh and this is one of my blind spots. We might have to have a jungle blind spot. I think you've got the wrong expert in. I think you might have got a carpet expert in for a rug. Well I think I sympathise with Henry though because as a child I always thought this because whenever anyone got on the magic carpet it was very obviously a rug because you can't have a magic carpet. You know you can't fly on a carpet because that's nailed to the floor. So Henry are you saying that a carpet is a wall-to-wall thing?

That's the way I am. The carpet is nailed down wall-to-wall and then small version is rug. So if he was a flying carpet would be like a really complicated multi-level thing with like staircase bits in between it. Yeah the bits of skirting board that have been wrenched out at the beginning of the flight. Yeah big bits of underlay falling off as they go along. But in theory if your whole house was double, was not double glazed but single carpet. Go on double glazed with carpet.

Yeah if your whole home was wall-to-wall carpeted and then you ended up in a magic carpet situation with that you could actually have a sort of you know the internal structure of a home that you could fly around in which would be more useful. Yeah the origins of countervalling I think. Yeah that's one of the caravan myths isn't it? One of the origin myths are they? So hang on this this carpet expert that you brought in I assume gave money, £1 sterling?

Well I think it might have been one of those ones where it was no win no fee. No but I think it was one of those ones where he went like listen I'm not even going to take your money mate and I'm like oh please just take some money and make it better but he wouldn't even take my money. Or at least it's not yeah I was worried that you'd given a man like 50 kids come and look at the stain. I don't think I did pay him in the end. I think he said I could have a go but it definitely won't work.

And were you burgled three days later? Everything apart from the stained carpet was gone. He actually took the rest of the carpet he cut around the stain. He left the useless stain and took the rest of the carpet and everything else I own yeah. And yeah and in case I hadn't been clear he did also leave a note saying in case it wasn't clear it was definitely me. The convertible was carpet expert. There's no such thing as empty.

It's a hard lesson. I mean I shouldn't have given him a set of my keys on when he was leaving. Because he did say if I'm not going to charge you for this but if I could just have a set of your keys I might pop round and have another look at it sometime next year. But I'm very busy so it'd be good if I can come in without without having to pre-warn you. And are you planning on going away for the weekend anytime soon? Because I'm often free around that kind of time. Yeah is there room to reverse the transit at the front?

Or something even bigger maybe like a lute and something like that. Have you got a parking permit we can use for the van? It's just when we're taking everything it's useful. Yeah and if you could lock your cat away in the attic over the next year as well. Some of the boys find it very distressing when there's a cat witnessing what we do. Chris has got terrible allergies. Do you think Henry if your flat was broken into that Bluebell would offer any resistance to incoming criminals?

No absolutely not. She is not a security cat. She's hiding a draw wouldn't she? Last time I came around she's hidden a draw and she's met me before. Yeah no she's hiding a draw if anyone comes round. It's her way of saying hello. Hiding a pile of pants. Yep yeah she likes the pant draw. Yeah no she's not sociable.

She's not a sociable cat. She was at the vet this morning? Is she all right? She actually puked the other day but just next to the carpet the same carpet we were talking about. And did you apply bicarbonate of soda? I applied bicarbonate of soda to the whole of Bluebell and again it didn't work. So this week's topic is flags. Flags.

Flags sent in by Cathy from Bremen. Thank you Cathy. Cathy from Bremen. Cathy from Bremen. Very good. Thanks Cathy. So Mike obviously we found out recently on this podcast that you had a very martial upbringing.

Absolutely. You know I wasn't inducted into the militia in the same way that you were. But I did go to scouts a bit and maybe beavers or cubs or whatever. And I remember that the weird thing about cubs and scouts and what have you is they try to instill in you that there are some important principles. Right. Nationally. One of which is that you should never let the flag touch the ground.

Right. Yeah. Is this something that you came across when you were doing your militia training? No I think they probably thought that we were old enough that we understood that implicitly. I never did the scouts or the beavers or any of that business. My sister did do brownies. Have I talked to you about this before? No.

No. She did brownies and hated every minute of it and decided to leave. And when she left there was such disgust from her brown owl that she had to undergo an expulsion ceremony. Oh my god. And why did she consent to being involved in that? Wait, well my sister's white. Did they have to dress her up?

Did she have to dress up as a turd? They're already dressed as turds. So that box is ticked. But then was she expelled out of the anus of a giant owl? That just attract talk. She was pelleted. She was pelleted. Yes, she was pelleted.

She had a bunch of old shrew bones stuck to her. Yep. Yeah and was vomited out of the beak. Okay. Of the great, the grand great owl. Yeah. Giant puppy Mashaby. Yeah.

But I watched this ceremony. My mother, I went to pick her up and my mother was sort of hovering by the door. And I watched through the keyhole. She was hovering because obviously she had the fully functioning owl suit. Exactly. Because she was fully qualified. She was fully qualified. She'd gone through all the stages.

Yeah. Yeah. And she had to be essentially denounced by all the other brownies. And at the very end of it, all of the brownies who were remaining, they stood in the long line with their legs apart. What? Forming a kind of a leg tunnel. And they just had to crawl through from the brown owl,

through the leg tunnel towards the door. And as they went through, they were encouraged to give her a little kick. What? And they all gave her a little kick on the way out with their heels until she finally made it to the end. And then was told to just simply leave the room. And then to return.

Straight away in E. Exactly. That's brutal. Really brutal. But also, at the same time, what a great way of confirming how correct your decision was to leave. Oh, she has never been more certain of a decision in her life. Because before that, she'd been feeling a bit guilty about it.

She doesn't give up on stuff. Yeah. But now it's like, because I think not a lot of people change their mind halfway through the leg tunnel, do they? Very few. Very few. Let me go back up the tunnel, please.

Guys, you know what? I've actually... Ow! Yeah, you know what? No, ow! Yeah, this is really making me think. Ow! Maybe you guys do.

And the way you're all looking down at me, and just from this angle, and they're being kicked and they're crawling on it. You know what? Maybe you guys deserve a second chance. Or maybe some senior brownies seem to be at the very end of the tunnel. They're going to kick harder. So maybe I'll forget that bit.

Maybe a specific... Can I backtrack? Can I backtrack? Can I reverse? But... No, that's a one-way street, for sure. So that was brownies. Because I did beavers.

Mm. And... That's the junior one, right? That's the junior one. Pre-cub. Pre-cub. And then there came a point where I had to learn... I think then to become a cub,

you had to learn something to do with the queen of speech. And I just couldn't do it. I promised to do my best to something, something God on the queen. Yeah. To vote UKIP when possible. To vote UKIP when possible. To undermine the European Union. Yeah, but I couldn't learn it.

I mean, it wasn't on principle. I just couldn't... It was just too long. So you were out then, were you? I bowed out. I didn't go... I never became a cub. I never became a bee.

I never got beyond beaver. And was the purpose of beavers... Because we've covered the fact that you're an inner-city rat. Yeah. That was the idea to get you out and about in the rolling fields of Berkshire and Hertfordshire, or was it an urban form of beavers? I've known. You learn a map, but you learn the tube map.

You learn how to take a knife off a difficult teenager. You learn how to choose an affordable and sustaining, decent sandwich and abudgens. Yeah. I can... To this day, I can survive for up to a week. As long as I have access to abudgens. 35 pounds. 35 pounds.

So, you know, thank goodness for that, because that has got me out of a few pickles. I mean, it's pretty... In fact, you could airdrop me. If you could airdrop me anywhere in the world. Any English-speaking city in the world. You could airdrop me. You could airdrop me. Will they accept an oyster car?

It is in the middle of any English-speaking city, which accepts oyster cars and has contactless rolled out at the new high 100-pound level. We could drop you into any three-star hotel in an English-speaking city. On Earth. It'd be wonderful to observe me. I could often thought I'd make a documentary, because I'd have little... You'd thrive, wouldn't you? Well, I have little tricks like, for example, if you...

Well, so the first thing you do is identify a source of water, yeah? So, if there's an en suite bathroom, I'd start there. You've got a toilet bowl. Tick. Toilet bowl, tick. Shower. B-day. Shower, B-day, in that order.

And there's a little trick you can do, which is next to the bed, there may be a small... There may be a glass. Take that glass. Put that... If you don't want to touch the toilet water, you can... If there's a flannel, you can wrap that around the glass. Or just drop the flannel in and then strain the flannel into the glass. Well, you could...

Another way to do it is you put the flannel in your teeth. You dip the flannel into the toilet water. Then you go out into the main bedroom. Now, if it's a three-star hotel, there should be a semi-desk. It's basically a bit like a desk, except it's only got two legs. And the rest of it is sort of drilled into the wall. It's too narrow to do any sort of work on, at all. You can't do any admin on it.

The only way... There's also quite a lot of irons and hair dryers on it already. There might be a couple of brochures for local attractions, like a helicopter museum or something like that. There'll be that kind of thing. You'd only write on it if you're using a seven paper. So it's not big enough to do any useful admin. But so basically what you do is you sit on the little stool

that might have in front of the semi-desk, and you drape the sodden flannel onto it. Now, that desk isn't big enough for a flannel. But this time, that's going to be helpful to you, because half of that flannel is dangling off the desk. Now, all you need to do then is take the mattress off the bed. Lay that down under the flannel. Lie yourself down.

Open your gob. Within three hours, you'd have several... Drops of toilet water. Several drops of toilet water with a goll into your gob. And in that time, you feel free to browse those brochures for things that are in the local area. And maybe get on the phone and ask reception if there is a budget in the area.

See, I didn't know any of that, because I didn't do Urban Beavers. You didn't do Urban Beavers. No, lots of little tips like that. So yes, when I was in the Cubs, they employed this rhetorical technique that adults employ at children that I didn't realise I was annoyed about until this very moment. But Mike, you can maybe do this to your kids, I'm not sure. I've got a memory of teachers doing this quite a lot,

where they'll try and tell you how important something is, and they'll frame it in terms of, you'll still be using this when you're an adult. So it's very important that you do this now. So in the Cubs, it was like, at all times, you need to carry a cassette case, like a see-through cassette case. Because this technology will never become obsolete. And in there is a copy of Phil Collins' No Jacket Required album.

It's the ultimate icebreaker. Because that album will always remain cool and good. We've reached what Francis Fukuyama is describing as the end of music. And it's pretty much been rolled out. Everyone's agreed. No jacket required. It's the mixture of slightly jazzy drums, pop sensibility, occasional guitar solos, and a singer called Phil.

We've worked out this is what... It's the platonic ideal of music. Anyway, so we'd have to cassette case. No cassette in it. In there would be, I'm trying to remember exactly, 10p, so you could use a public phone box. Of course. A small pencil and a piece of paper.

So you can, I guess, write your will if it... I don't know why that's there. Yeah. Who are you going to leave your toys and stickers to? Make the decision now. What else? Those are the main things I remember. There was something else in there.

Maybe a sticking plaster or an elastic band or a little piece of string. I think there might have been a piece of string. And the whole point was like, you're meant to carry this everywhere at all times. But obviously, and we had to take it to Cubs, and then at the beginning of Cubs, you had to put it on the floor in front of us, and they didn't inspect them and make sure we had them.

Oh, really? But of course, I never carried it around the rest of them. It was only Thursday evenings. I would have it on me. Yeah. But they also, the way that they couched it in terms of like, and this will, until your dying day, as an adult, you probably don't realise, but most adults are carrying these around.

In fact, your dying day might not come if you are carrying this cassette case. Exactly. And do you understand what I mean when adults say, oh, this is very important to know this? And then you get to adulthood and you think, well, of course that is, carrying around a cassette case is just a complete waste of time.

I mean, having 10p on you, it's a bit of a waste of time, isn't it? Well, I think that was the only one that was actually useful back then, because obviously it was pre-mobile phones. So, being able to call someone is quite useful. It's also, yeah, for those tricky two-way decisions as well. It's always there. That's true, actually. Should I use this string to A, try and catch a fish,

B, try and garot a vole? Should I A, listen to the A side of this, Phil Collins up there, or B, listen to the B side? Which will require me to rewind all the way through the A side. Spore the tape and spool will start to wear down. Yeah, yeah, I'll just do it. I'll just do A on this kasingel. They didn't laugh.

But yeah, the ultimate bollocking in Cubs was for if the flag went on the floor. And I remember them once saying, the flag being on the floor is the same as the queen being on the floor. And she, of course, as we know, never touches the floor. Never touches the floor. She's always been at least three inches above it at all times. She started a game of lava when she was 14 with a Dutch prince. Well, that's the basis of all monarchy, isn't it?

William the Conqueror starts the game of lava when he came across. And since then, no monarch has ever touched the floor. She's been skirting around mantelpieces and window frames ever since. Oh yeah, she's very live. Partly explains her longevity because it obviously keeps extremely fit. Doing that. And they were quite cagey, weren't they, about why Prince Philip had died, and it was just because he had finally touched the floor.

He's finally touched the floor. And you know. You know the rules, Pip. And the queen willingly, and it would have been with a smile on her face, would have ran him through the neck with a battle sword. I win, Pip. I win. William, Billy the Conqueror's own battle sword.

It's a two-handed one. So you can hold it with both hands. It's got, it's double-handled. His hand and the hand of his valet. Just for a bit more heft. On this topic, we have a tweet this week from renowned public historian, Greg Jenner. We did. Oh yeah.

Of Horrible Histories and Your Dead To Me podcast fame. He was reacting to a couple of a few episodes ago. Henry, you claimed that your wedding venue was the place where Henry the Eighth had swollen up and exploded after death. And he was saying that that wasn't the case. It was William the Conqueror who. I did read that. And I've contacted the venue and apparently it's too late now for any sort of refund.

Being from, so myself being from a country that's got a non-colour block flag. Yeah. I think it's really good. Like in general, people seem to like the flag and all that kind of stuff. The thing I will say is that when you're in primary school and everyone has to draw the flag for St David's Day, you get an incredible array of mainly what look more like horses, winged horses than dragons. It's really funny.

If you go to any primary school around March the 1st, every classroom will be full with very, very poorly drawn match flags because it's very hard to nail it when you're five years old. It's quite a complex dragon as well, isn't it? Oh yeah. To be fair. Yeah. Also, what's quite funny is I think only recently has the dragon become, there is like a version of it, which is the official version.

So historically, like the dragon's been up to you how you draw it over the years. So there's lots of different versions of them. Some of them are better than others, but now we've got a kind of official version. I'm just looking at it online. That is, that is a hell of a task to draw that. Bloody hell. It's a really complicated dragon. It's so ornate.

It's got loads of twiddles and curls and like it's got an underbelly. It's quite strange. That is it. That is it. I think Wales has got the most sort of breaking with flag tradition flag. Well, Bhutan. What's Bhutan? I've got Bhutan.

Okay. It's that times a million. They've got an absolute beauty. Sort of sprawling on the move dragon. Yeah. Dancing dragon spreading across the flag. Oh my god, Bhutan. Yeah.

That is a trick. I mean, that looks like it's been... They've gone, you know the Welsh flag. The kingdom of Bhutan's principal economic rival. Yeah. Why is it? Because what, think about it guys. What have we got?

Oil. Have they got oil? Where is Bhutan? I don't think so. Cut this, mate. It's near Nepal, isn't it? Cut Himalayan. Cut this.

Oh, is it? Oh, shit. Where did you think it was? It just sounds like... You think it was like Brunei or something? Yeah, I think I'll mix it up with Brunei. It sounds a bit Brunei-ish. I think Brunei's got a good flag as well.

But the Bhutan flag dragon is very much in motion. He's got all these undulations through his beard and through his hair. You're making him sound more like Richard Branson than a... He does actually look like Richard Branson. Have a look at him. They stand out, which must be sickening to countries where they've pretty much got the same flag as someone else's flag. Yeah, I think Poland has got the same flag.

Poland and Indonesia and Malta. They're very Route 1. What have they got? They've all got a red stripe and a white stripe. Yeah. I think Malta might be square. That's them sort of trying to mark themselves out a bit. It's a shame, isn't it, when a national country's flag

could be mistaken for a do not swim here flag on a beach. Oh my God, yeah, Poland. That's a shame, isn't it? That just looks like you're looking at the horizon from an insect's view within a bowl of tomato soup. You made it a lot more interesting than it is there, Chris. That's what they were going for, and no one gets it really annoyingly. No one understands.

Brazil is very good. Brazil is a classic. Brazil is one of the ones where it's one of the first you can identify when you're a small child. Yes. It works as a logo as well for the Havaianus flip-flop brand. It does. Because I bought a pair of those recently.

Is this the second episode in a row? We're talking about flip-flops. I think it might be. What did we say about them? Oh yeah, Mike's flip-flops. I bought them Havaianus. How do you say Havaianus? Because I said it the other day and I got it wrong.

Someone picked me up on it. Havaianus. Is it Havaianus? Yeah. Yeah, that's one of those words that I've read, but not said. I think the problem is you're putting a kind of racist accent on it. Yeah. That's the...

You're going too hard. You're pressing. You're pressing. You're pressing deep. I'm pressing. I think it's like you're putting too much... There's too much riding on it for you. Yeah, that's right.

And if you just... So I'm leaning into it too hard. That's what I'll do sometimes. You just gotta let it go. I gotta let it go. It's Havaianus, yeah. Throw it away. Because the other problem I had...

The other word I had that with was... Warburton's bread. Which I'd been mentally calling Warburton's my whole life. Because I'd seen it, but not said it. And then... Because what it is, to be fair, it is spelled W-A-R, isn't it? It's spelled what? There's the Second World War.

There's the War of the Roses. There's the Anglo-Norman Irish Wires. There's the expression to feel that you're a bit in the Wires. And of course, you know, there's the internal... There's the internal war that we all fight with ourselves in some ways. Black Sabbath's hit, Wire Pigs. Wire what it isn't good for? Wire what is it good for?

Yeah. Not what isn't it good for? War. Wire what it... What isn't it good for? What is or isn't it good for? Is that the more militaristic version that you played to your children? The French flag, by the way.

Little thing, if you're drawing the French flag, you need a little helpful memory thing to how to draw it. Yeah. You think red, white, blue. Because that's the phrase, isn't it? Red, white, and blue. I think it's the phrase. It's actually the other way around. Blue, white, red.

That's the way of remembering it. So what's the way of remembering it? Well, the way of remembering it is... You think it's probably likely to be blue, white, and red because that's the phrase? No, no, sorry. Red, white, and blue. There is a... What is the phrase red, white, and blue?

I don't know what it means, but it is a phrase. You just claim it's a phrase. And then what you do is you remember it's not that. It's the other way around. So the key thing is you have to just naturally remember that it's the wrong way around. That you just have to do that naturally. I can't... I can't...

So your way of remembering it is just... You just need to remember it. Of course, such a gift for teaching, I think you're wasted in this, isn't it? Yeah, I do have a few... Do you have any mnemonics that you use? Well, again, you're leaning into it too much. I think a lot of times you just put extra syllables in the different words. Do you have any mnemonics that you use?

I sometimes actually do fall back on never-eat-shredded-wheat. Oh, yeah. But what's that mnemonic for? Whether or not you should eat shredded wheat? I'm so sorry. Come on, you were an urban beaver. So I thought... You must have...

Sorry, I remember it now. I thought you were saying that was what your way to remember that you shouldn't eat shredded wheat. How do you think to be knows which way north is? Because he knows... If you got on the northern line and go in a certain direction, you're going north. Yeah, that's right. As an urban beaver, that's how you tell. Never-eat-shredded-wheat is...

That is where the world of mnemonics and the world of serial economics clash hard, isn't it? Because that must have cost them billions, I'd say, by now. Yeah, as I said, conscious measures that have been given to every school in Northern Britain. You can't pay for industrial... For publicity that bad. For publicity that bad. Or for industrial terrorism, if that's the phrase, that good. If you're, say, working for Weetabix, for example.

I mean, that is from a young age. I mean, think about it. If you're from Weetabix and you think, how are we going to bring these people down? Shredded wheat. If you could say in that meeting, I've got a way to make children... Hear me out. Children, from a young age, repeat to themselves the phrase, never-eat-shredded-wheat four, five times a week.

From the age of four to the age of 14, 15, well, I'll start getting into music and stuff and they'll probably be less... I'm doing less orienteering at that point. They'll be less focused on orienteering. They'll probably know they were around a compass by that point. And they'll... Yeah? But from the ages of four until 14...

It's that phrase, isn't it? If you want me to dictate what cereals a kid won't eat, then just give me access to a child who's into orienteering from the age of four to 14. And I will. I will brainwash them. Ever-eat-shredded wheat. It will have an impact. And even in my mind now, I think of shredded wheat as something that's probably not as

nice as wheated bits. I don't know if that's actually fair. Yeah, it might just be with being brainwashed. Any other mnemonics? Richard of York. Richard of York. Gave battle in vain. What's that for?

Gave battle in vain. Colours of the rainbow. But that's got a song, Red and Yellow and Pink and Green, Purple and Orange. But it's not on the right order, though, is it? Is it a song? Richard of York gave battle in vain. Then there's that one, which is Harry, Harry, Georgie, Three, John and Stephen, George and Peter.

Stephen, Harold, John and Steve. Peter, Peter, Stephen and William. Which is- Which is your password? Which is my password for my hotmail. No, no, that's the Kings of England, the Kings of England, isn't it? There's one that goes like that. But it's two-

But that's just their names in order. That's not a mnemonic. That's again just remembering it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Can I quickly squeeze a quick plug in before we hit correspondence, please? Yeah. Plug it away. Which is that our friend, friend of the show,

top draw comedian, Daniel Rigby has written a novel which has been released on Audible, has been released on Audible, called Isaac Steele and the Forever Man. And I have read it because I had a sneaky preview before it got recorded And it's really effing bloody good and very very funny comedy sci-fi mystery Set and they totally new universe that he's built up for our pleasure. So get get get your leg holes on that What's it called again? It is called Isaac steel in the forever man by Daniel rugby. It's on audible And it's jolly ready good. Who's read the book? Who's read it out? He has read it himself and as we know he's

Excellent. He is an excellent performance and general amazing guy. So that's yeah, double double points there. I'd say Okay emails this first one comes from Daniel McCabe He says salutations beans and writing response to the claim made on the podcast that onions are never the front runner of crisp flavors So you might remember that we were saying as that was one right thought as I was saying I thought I might I might ruin it Is Henry about to ruin it? I don't know if he's gonna ruin it Let's see. I mean, so we were saying essentially it tends to be cheese and onion beef and In response to this I've attached an image of a bag of Swedish crisps Which are flavored with not one not two but three types of onion Wow

The tagline translates to fine ruffled crisps with onion onion and more onion And they're called three times lock, which I think means three times onion. Thanks, Dan So the three types of onion are standard onion red onion and Spring spring is it? I'm trying to look on the packet. Oh, he has he has gone to the ends of the earth to find this Crisps he's ventured to the Arctic Circle Bataan Mozambique Malaysia Malaysia Brazil Argentina Argentina and Taktika and Taktika But he could find none so he bought a Swedish crisp company and forced them to make the three times onion flavor

Do you reckon each crisp tastes of all three onions or do you get like? Oh, that's a red onion one. Oh, that's a Well, you could have a similar debate about the three cheese pizza couldn't you Ben? How do you mean? Well? Does each slice taste of one of the different cheeses clearly not They're all melted on together But I mean, oh, I see I was in a restaurant today that boasted an 11 cheese pizza It's a lot of cheese. I'd struggle to name 11 cheeses. Come on, mate. You can do that. Go on cheddar Gouda Gorgonzola

Brie Camembert Em on towel. Yeah, how far that's a rella Stilton Red Leicester Tim wants to go baby belt And come on, of course, let's not forget Smokes cheese Smokes cheese Mike. There's some big ones left on the table there

What am I parmesan mozzarella parmesan? Oh, come on ricotta the burrata Taleggio The one with walnuts in Of course Didn't even mention yarg rock for rock for a stinking Bishop. Oh We could do a cheese app, you know, I used to live near a cheese munger and the smell of it was so good

There's sometimes even when it was closed I was walked past and I would open up the letterbox and just sniff Have a little sniff on the way. Oh, you were the you were the Chiswick pervert they had on crime watch the Chiswick cheese sniffer I was a Chiswick cheese sniffer and they're on on them There's on crime watch. Yeah, they could just see my nose poking through the Through the left box from inside the from inside the cheese mungers. They never thought to put CCTV on the outside I never thought to put it on the outside They just thought you were trying to get in yeah, but one day you'd most and squeeze your way through Because technically over the years there was an argument. They had actually stolen some cheese just through through smell

I Was the question I don't think there was a question I think I still think the point holds it doesn't it because it's always yeah It's liver and onion even outside of the crisps world onion is onion is the A football metaphor would be it's one of those like midfield as it just gets on with it. You don't even notice them That's what onion does it Bolster or it's the bass player or the drama maybe it's like the drummer for a lot of dishes the unsung hero We don't know as well how successful the triple onion crisp is

Is it a smash hit? Yeah, that's what we need to know. It's an aviator or Or have they made a single batch and it's resulted in civil unrest Well, let us know Daniel, I don't know if Daniel if you're in Sweden, but if so Maybe give us a review of the old onion onion and onion flavor crisps. Yes, please Um next email is from Robert Robert says hello beans while discussing Oh, this is in reference to last week's episode while discussing Mike's season four Baywatch stint in the buffet episode You mentioned how a number of girls were left to drown as Mike was occupied cleaning up Pam's shit on the beach For clarification as it wasn't particularly clear. What's the shitting Pam Mike's dog or Pamela Anderson?

This was my dog Pam but portrayed by Pamela Anderson, yeah Because Pam has no formal training and doesn't she doesn't really want the limelight as such and obviously in TV and movies They don't they don't really they don't use real dogs. No, of course not. You're not allowed obviously. Obviously you're not allowed to Yeah, yeah, so you have to get a highly trained Actor to portray the dog and Pam and Pamela of course went with method with everything she did wasn't she very method Well, she was living with Pam side by side doing everything for for months. Yeah, and so she had seen Pam she's on a beach hasn't she? Yeah in real life

Of course. Yeah And so while she'd yeah, she'd she'd yeah, and she was great and she gave it go and she she pinched one off on pebble beaches sounding beaches, you know, she tried it all Um in rock pools. Yeah She really mastered it and then uh, then she was ready to film. Yeah and all that happened then was that you instead of um rescuing the the the the actors were the actors who were playing extras who were drowning. Yeah, you you know, that was using real people Because it was very much a verite

It was the verite season wasn't it season four sorry season four It was the verite actually drowning. Yeah drowning holiday makers. It's drowning holiday makers. Yeah So it was a it was a real It was a real turd The real turd the intended fictitious fake dog fake dog Real drowning. Yeah Yeah, that's the real flip flops. Yeah. Yeah Um, well that's cleared that up

Next email This is from Someone called alex Hi, whoever you are What the fuck is going on? Oh dear dressing start. Okay I'm called alex and i'm one of the two business partners running the soup dragon cafe Oh god, this keeps

It just keeps this keeps running this keeps several people have come in Saying pompadou demanding 20 off and we've got really pissy when no one knew what they were talking about Steven's gone on holiday and lost his phone. Of course. He has I know he listens to his stupid pork podcast in the mornings. Yeah Is this anything to do with that? I'll stupid what podcast? I know he listens to his stupid pork podcast in the morning. It's the real deal What pork podcast? What's that? Maybe he listens to my my beef themed podcast. Oh, I see you're okay. Yeah, yeah I'm really only emailing you in desperation. Please write back alex soup dragon cafe Is he really is he really the alex of the soup dragon cafe? No, that's that's what I want

Can I say what I think this is this is something i've been an interloper I think I know what this is something i've been worried about which is um Uh, copycat spurbs are you think that's what that's what I wonder. I think give you a copycat. I've got the same vibe Because spurbs is they've gone to the they've gone to the trouble of creating a A soup dragon e-mail. Well address Wouldn't put it past does it correspond With our previous a good friend steve's That's that's what does it?

No, he would send that from his own person again. Really? You see my worry is that it's I think we're partly guilty of this but really it's the media mainly I think at fault but basically Spurbs has let's face it has to a degree being glamourized, hasn't he? And that's I've I've always known this is a risk with spurbs from beginning which is okay. What do we know? Yes spurbs is a problem be It's a he's a very very big problem. We have to have a conversation about it We have to have a conversation about it on a science level We can't just sweep one of the we can't sweep spurbs onto the carpet

But we'd also don't want kids going around pretending to be spurbs spurbsing their friends Exactly around the place that teaches the parents. I didn't want to be turning around to you guys in 10 years saying We're living in a spurbs nation Do you know what I don't I don't want that to happen And I'm worried that now there's a slippery spurbs slope that we've got You worry that we're the fart on the birthday candle I think we might be the fart on the birthday candle which leads the whole cake to explode Now what I'm saying, I just think we've given him so much airtime. We are glamourized

There will be kids out there now listening to this going I could be spurbs. I could But honey, let me interject here. I believe that you being this way You have been spurred because you may have we may have received an email from One of the business partners who went to the super in cafe and you're blinded by your Obsession with this guy spurbs that you have projected spurbs onto this innocent man Who is there are people coming in demanding 20% off their bill getting into fist fights over the paninis Soups. Mm-hmm. I don't even mention the mockers and you you're accusing this man of being spurbs

Which is like accusing someone of being the worst Well, it's like I suppose it's like It's like the witch trials isn't it, you know, as soon as as soon as you said that that word What do you mean the McCarthyite witch trials or the witches witch trials? Both I know what you mean similar vibe or than the McCarthyite ones That it didn't wasn't very effective when McCarthy called people a witch. I think on the whole didn't work Well, did it didn't work? Well, no, so they changed it to communist. Yeah Well, I think we are I think we could be we could be about to to live in a similar era

To 1950s american sort of paranoia about communism, but but but for for communism you substitute spurbs Because who who is there's going to be some sort of committee for pro-spurbs activities wouldn't be surprised And who is spurbs who isn't spurbs? I mean, you know Everyone now is is is looking at their loved ones and their children and you know with suspicion now Could they be spurbs? Could there be someone imitating spurbs? Oh, what have we done? Could Pam be spurbs? Could Pam be spurbs?

The timeline fits It does and in a way Almost spurbs doesn't even need to do anything anymore because he started the ball rolling Do you know what I mean? Like what I don't understand Henry's this this guy from the suit dragon cafe who I believe to be genuine You've tart him with the spurbs spurbs brush But Daniel McCabe who emailed earlier with his quite fanciful Clearly not true idea. There's a three onion crisp

Completely not I mean there's no way that's true. I waved that through didn't I who's creating an onion onion onion onion I waved that straight through didn't I you did I waved that straight for me That has got the the hallmark of a spurbsing right there because he's so whether there is even any such place as sweden I've certainly never been there. I've never been to sweden. I've been but I'm not sure it was it was real Could have been vr It was weirdly expensive seemed odd. Yeah, and if it was entirely vr, they'd like to recoup those costs It might just have been cat wicks cat wicks. Um, mythical sixth terminal. You're in yeah What places are expensive airports service stations always a resort?

Yeah, you could have just been a Scandinavian themed center parks. How would you know? There's not much crime in sweden There's not much crime in airports exactly that would have tally it as well Mm-hmm, but some of the world's biggest crimes have taken place in airports If you're talking about how much they charge for a sandwich in I agree So that's what what i'm saying. Henry is We've all thrown the spurbs shade at different people. I don't understand why you've done it to this innocent cafe owner and not the uh Look, not Daniel McCabe who's clearly a master of can you know of chaos an agent of chaos

What down to photoshopping a fake crisp packet? exactly, um Well, I mean have I Have any of us googled lock to see if it means onion in swedish? I can't be bothered. I'm not going to I know they're I So we're at an impasse we're at a complete impasse here and spurbs knows that he knows we're weak He knows we have short attention spans. We get distracted and want to sit down sometimes um Look, I think maybe it's time to just admit the age of spurbs is upon us

And we just have to hope that one day a chosen one will be born With could they have already been born they could already have been born They'll have the mark of spurbs upon them. No one knows what that is could be a picture of three onions potentially on their forehead Or just oniony breath um And that they it will be their job to you know Take spurbs down to bring balance bring balance back to the universe So if any listeners have recently had a

A baby check for us the three onion tattoo which they might have and get in touch with the show Okay, finally mail for today, and I think let's take this go and face value this last go because we need I think There needs to be some hope isn't it that we're getting genuine emails from actual listeners Hay beans says alex so alex was the person who suggested our topic from last week buffets So he says thanks for chatting about buffets. It was inspirational Uh as a thanks, this is amazing. This is the best email we've ever had Okay Oh

As a thanks Here is an accordion rendition of your opening theme. No, he's here That is absolutely amazing So we'll use that to um that is to play out this episode If anyone else wants to send in a version of the themes, you know, I think this would be a nice thing to to get going In a different genre as well. Let's get different genres But all all on the accordion but all on the accordion Yeah

Oh, well, that was fantastic. Thank you. Well, thank you. That was amazing. What a treat Lovely. Well, let's yeah, let's hear that again and play it out. Where we go. Thanks everybody. Thank you for listening until next time. Goodbye. Bye You