Three Bean Salad - France

Episode Date: June 15, 2022

France is this week’s topic thanks to the theme nudging of Michael. Lifelong francophilobean Henry Paker is a cochon in the proverbial merde and gives us his hot take on croissants, the quotidien life of French bakers as well a live translation of La Marseillaise for those without a firm grasp of the French language or decent wifi.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladGet in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

the image coming through on our zoom call. You look sexy. I mean, that's, but that's, that's normal. But you've got like a 70s vibe. Like it's, you've, it looks like in the old days to smear Vaseline on the camera to make it like a bit kind of, what's the, what's the effect or soft focus packer, soft focus packet. Yeah, you're looking very soft. Like an, like an ABBA video. Didn't they sometimes have that a lot? Yes. Everything was glinting and gleaming in a soft way.

You are gleaming a bit and in some places, but otherwise elsewhere, it's sort of really smushed out the, the blemishes, the wrinkles, the scars, the extra bits. It is possible. I suppose it's possible I have, while setting myself up for today's podcast that I have died. Right. So you might be broadcasting from a sort of nether world. I could, it could be that I'm in the nether zone. It looks like you're broadcasting from a kind of, from a

tribute to yourself. It could be that there is a nether zone from which you can still podcast and do certain basic admin tasks with, you know, a kind of digital purgatory. I'm just gonna take a photograph because we can show the list is what you look like. Give us a sort of ABBA, like, that's it, grin. Wow.

I don't know what is happening. But I basically, it's something that I happen to me every now and then. You think it's happening to you rather than to your laptop camera? You kind of go 70. You go quite sort of vapoury. It's either a skin condition or a kind of an atmospheric condition that I carry around with me in the, you know, obviously, we all carry a certain degree, like the planet

has this atmosphere, or people have a shroud or a halo of particles, particulate life. You occasionally emit fog. Sure. It could be. It could be that occasionally emit fog into that particulate, you know, into my particular environment. Are you saying that you've got dry ice coming out of your

arse? He's a showbiz professional. I didn't want to put it as bluntly as that. I think we can all read between the lines and say that. Yeah, that is what I'm saying. I have dry ice coming out of my arse. I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to control when it.

When it turns on, when it turns off, I don't know who controls the the nozzle, as it were. It's probably a couple of dietary steps you could take in the first instance, I'd imagine. Yeah, I should, I should probably eat, well, either more or less bicarbonate of soda. Don't know which one. But unfortunately, I can't monetize it because I've never

managed to control it. Obviously, the idea was, when you got it installed, the idea was you'd become a sort of human dry ice machine that you could hire out for parties. Well, the first thing you, the first thing that hits any of you, anyone, when they were allowed to have dry ice coming out of their arse is, I could, I could do this at weddings. I know the Abbasongs of Pat, as it is, I can do all four parts

at the same time. The issue is the mise-en-scène. And if I can create the mise-en-scène myself, we are cutting down costs. So obviously, it's potentially life changing in a positive way. But as it happens, I don't know, I can't control when it happens. And you can't afford to strobe your nostrils yet, can you? For the full experience.

I'm still looking, looking for some loans in that regard to develop that technology. Oh, look, darling, Henry's dropping his trousers. They must be about to do the first dance. No one's had their first dance at a wedding to Waterloo by Abbas. What would that say? What's the message? It could be that one, if not both of the people work at the

Upper Cruston Waterloo Station. Yeah, good point. It could be for the first time. The first time a British and French people have married together, that's never happened. But what's happened was even more controversial. We saw one from Delys de France marrying someone from Upper Cruston, which would be.

Oh, yeah. That was Orga, a world peace. Surely. Someone from Delys de France marrying someone from the West Cornwall Pasty Company. Oh, and I tell you what, it would be, it would be such a hopeful thing. There'd be news crews from all over the world covering it.

Like if this divide can be crossed, anything can happen. A real time for peace and optimism until they came to discussing who's doing the catering for the wedding. Oh, which point? Back to square one. Well, you'd have to go for it. I think you'd have to go for a neutral vendor. You'd have to go for Jamie Oliver's pasta pizza, Parler.

What are you called? Jamie's Italian. Jamie's Italian. That shut down years ago, Mike. No, it won't have done it next to it. It's just been built. They had their inaugural night last night. We've still got Tony Blair's Prime Minister in Exeter.

Tony Blair's pizza. So, Henry, yeah, so, yeah, go on. Returning to the, yeah, the image that you're broadcasting to us, I think possibly if you were to wipe your camera with a tissue or something, I think it's probably a thick layer of grease that somehow, were you recently eating a croissant near the, near the laptop? Yes.

Were you preparing a banana bread on top of your laptop screen? I did extract the blubber from a thousand geese. And even down the layers using the edge of your laptop. Yeah, it's a little thing I'm working on for the Jubilee celebration, which involves reducing a thousand geese. Gigantic goose candle.

Yeah. So it could be that. And if anyone wants, well, 999 beaks. Yeah, obviously I'll be keeping one of them for myself. Get in touch. Get in touch, yeah, for your commemorative beaks. So what I'm saying is please wipe that camera. Yeah, yeah, sorry.

With a clean tissue, Henry. Oh, God. Using a fistful of balled up goose feathers. Here we go. How's that? No, there is. That's a bit sometimes this happens on my camera, on my phone.

I'm not joking. This does happen. All the photos I produce look like they've been either smeared in goose fat, or they're from a set from an outtake from an ABBA video from the seventies. I get this kind of glossy sort of sheen on things I do. It maybe it's to do with my head, my head grease leakage. I do.

Possibilities. You need an anti-McCassar for your laptop. Yeah. Is that any better? That is actually better. Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

What a dirty little boy. Mike, I've got a bit of news for you. You can enjoy this, Henry. Yeah, go on. After many years, toiling in the forest of jazz, rock and blues. The X-Men hath a new axe. Welcome to guitar talk with Ben and Mike. Look at that.

It's a, it's a classic Stratocaster shape, maple fingerboard, z-shaped coils. Very exciting. Who's that made by? I can't see on the headstock. That's made by G&L. So that's the company that was made by Leo Fender after he'd left. Fender, he then set up G&L.

Fucking kill me. And it carried on innovatively. So he took the classic Stratocaster, changed the pickups. No, why? They were kind of a Z. Why, please don't. Tell me about the Z-Calls. I don't want to know the Z-Calls.

I don't want to know the Z-Calls. Well, you still get the kind of spanky kind of Strat like tones. You get the brisk like the single coil brisk. You get the single coil thing, but they act a bit like a humbucker. So they smooth off the harshness. But also, you're not getting that buzz. So cut out my eyes, take my eyes and my ears, take my face. God.

Well, that's a real busy bent. I'm totally outnumbered now. Yeah. Well, I'm going to be on the hunt for an idea for a jingle this episode to see if we can get you shredding that in a new jingle. Someday soon. I've had an idea for a jingle, by the way. Oh, great.

You're going. Which is a jingle, which is, because we should play when we haven't had a jingle for a while, and that's what it is. It's to haven't had a jingle for a while, jingle. I don't like that idea. I can't even, I can't tell you why I just don't like it. Yeah. I felt like it wasn't smashing it when there was, when I saw the looks of

just custom both of you. Fine. Is it fine? You don't, you don't seem like it's fine. Yeah, it's fine. Right. Come on. Let's get on with it.

We're talking about a topic. It's fine. Let's just talk about the topic and get it over with. Mike says something, I say something. Probably not really on the topic. Doesn't matter. Then we move on to something else. Great.

Oh, email, people have emailed in. Yeah, so what great idea have we got? Okay, so this week's topic as sent in by Michael Ronson. Yeah, is France, take it away, Henry Packer. So your first instinct is to hide the national anthem. But over here, I mentioned France. But was that the end? So well trained you are.

That was gone save the Queen. And that was gone save the Queen. Yeah. Well, exactly. And that's the point I'm making. France, France, France. And we cut off all your faces. They say it's really violent, don't they?

And we put all your blood in a bag. And we take all your ankles and we boil them down to a soup. We feed it to your grandma. They say it's, don't they? Well, you say they say. It's probably quite accessible. I mean, it's in another language, but that's not impossible to ever come, is it? A language you're very familiar with, Henry?

Yes, in theory. Well, yeah, I have been to France recently. So I've got some hot news on France. Yeah. I've got a very, very hot takes. You've got your finger on the pulse. I've got my finger on the French pulse. On the pulse, if I may.

Henry, I've got the lyrics here to the national anthem. Can you translate? Oh, God. Allons enfants de la patrie. Come on, then, children of the country. But the day of glory has arrived. Contre nous de la tyranny. We're not fans of tyranny.

The autumn of art and blood has risen. Is that that sort of mixed meaty soup that you're talking about? That sounds like a meaty soup, they're describing. Listen in the countryside. Go and play with your iron soldiers. Something like that. Oh, I thought it was muffle, muffle, muffle the soldiers, possibly. Muffle the ferocious soldiers.

Muffle the ferocious soldiers, possibly give them muffles. There's some vinegary juice on our arms. So I'm going, that's the process you're going to do with making salad dressing. And let's gorge on our children and our compatriots. And then we reach the refrain. Oh, arms, citoyens. Oh, old citizens. Formez vos bataillons.

Form yourself into stick-shaped rows. Mâchon, mâchon. Walk, walk. Cun sang impure with pure buttock blood. Or blood of the anus. I'm kidding, yeah. Obviously, if you're eating, yeah. Presumably, that's the reason we're eating too much baguettes or something.

That's the reason we're constipation. Abruvnos siyong. Abbreviate our, and it's a kind of mushroom that you only get in the south. With a very long name. Yeah, you can't, essentially, you can't, what that is, that is directed to the country to abbreviate the mushroom names. We've got a lot of long mushroom names in this country. For a sense of national immunity.

Yeah, we cook with mushroom a lot. Anything done, abbreviate those mushroom names. So, Henry, you were indeed in France? I was in real France. French France. So, my hot recent take, so France, it's still in my system, it's still in my blood. I still haven't, for example, I still have another, I would say, afternoon of defecating food that was eaten in France.

Oh, it's still going through. Digestive tract talk, we are. Because Brexit slowed it down, isn't it? Brexit has slowed it down. Has to go through a series of checks. There's a lot more paperwork now. You've got some red and green lanes installed in your lower intestine. Exactly.

Obviously, it's very complicated because sometimes you'll eat a sandwich in France, which has non-EU, as well as EU ingredients in it. There may be mayonnaise from America, which obviously we have a separate trade deal with. There'll be French mustard, obviously that comes under EU. So, there's a Cornish butter. There could be some Cornish butter in there, but it's in there. And each of those things has paperwork that needs to be signed off. By a lorry driver.

By a trilingual lorry driver, based in your appendix. So, it's, you know, it has turned these things into a bit of a nightmare. Obviously, I have always sworn that I will not have a borderline anywhere up my arse. Amos Overti has always been one of your... It's been one of my absolute immutable beliefs and principles. So, what's happened is, I'm using my pancreas as a holding zone. Because the pancreas, obviously, it's not digestive. It's also not...

It's not exactly... I mean, it's not... It's nearsing, isn't it? It's not a sort of biscuit. It's not a sort of biscuit. It's nearsing to a diplomatic sort of, you know... It's kind of no-man's-land in the gut. It's a no-man's-land, isn't it?

Digestively speaking, it's not taking part directly. It's a visiting dignitary from Bhutan. Exactly. So, what I'm doing, I'm using that as a holding pen. So, as things like croissants and stuff get mashed up by, obviously, the first stage of digestion is the knife and fork. You're breaking it down on the plate. That's called external digestion.

That's the first type. Then you've got your macerators, your teeth. You've got the acid which gets shot out of the back of your mouth onto it. Throat acids begin to dissolve it. It goes down your throat, your larynx, doesn't it? Or your... Directly into your lungs. It goes directly into your lungs.

That breaks it up into lots of tiny little bits, doesn't it? Because it's got... Yeah, so aerosols it. The aerosols, it aerates it. You get the air through it. Then it comes, obviously, as you retch and cough, it comes back up into your throat. Back down again.

It's a more easily digestible spray now. Exactly. Now, it's a kind of atomized spray. Kind of cologne. And that gets mashed up in your stomach. And so, at the moment, there's a side... Noblet goes down to your upper intestine first. Gets into the big chunks, then your lower intestine chunks up.

Even small dices it, or julienne's it in France. Because of course, French people have a sort of internal mandolin. Don't they? That's the thing. That's right. Well, it's because they've got a much more sophisticated palate, much more sophisticated internal organs. Yeah. The British internal digestive system is very much a blunt tool,

isn't it, Mike? I mean, you've... Well, it's like an anvil. It's essentially dropping an anvil on it. Yeah, isn't it? You're taking a walnut and you're dropping an anvil on it. That's how our digestion solves the problem. It's just one big crusher.

Just one big crusher. Whereas in France, you've got a multi-sided sort of mandolin. Haven't you? You've got julienning. You've got... Frickersaying. Parmesanning. Yeah, so anyway, so a lot of my food from the holiday has been siphoned

into a processing zone in my pancreas. And so it's taking a lot bit longer to get through the system. It's just a big process. It's kind of like a sort of corporeal Northern Ireland. Exactly. But what we've had to do is declare a sort of semi, sort of non-literal border about four inches, well, outside of my anus, essentially, there's a...

So once it comes out, it's going to be processed externally. Some of it is going to have to be processed externally. I don't really want to have to talk about this necessarily. It's not really nice. But I will... Well, it's not nice for the customs official who has to hover. Well, it's not nice for him. He has to hover there with a sieve with a...

A little book of chitties. Dockets. He's got a lot of those, you know, those colored little tabs you can get from Rhymens that you stick in a folder to sticking out of your book. He's got so many of those, loads of them. Yeah. They're becoming increasingly discolors

on each day that passes. Yeah. And, you know, it's just... It's bureaucracy gone mad. It's too much. But this is the way things have to be. But also, given the state of the food in France, it's worth it.

It's absolutely worth it. Oh, it's worth it. I didn't regret it for a second. So you were in France last week. I assume you ate a croissant while you were there. Yes. Yes. What was that croissant?

Did you have more than one? Well, whenever I'm in France, I like to try and have a croissant every day, if possible. Yeah. And whenever I have a day in France that I, when I haven't had a croissant, I feel a bit sad. May as well be in Germany. Yeah.

Exactly. So, but I think I had about three... I reckon I had three and a couple of pound chocolate lines as well. Okay, so take those three croissants, create an average croissant based on those three. Well, they're all from the same bakery, so that's going to be quite easy. Okay.

They're all very similar, but yeah. Don't say that, Henry. The difference is in the moisture in the air. I know, I know. How many birds are singing outside? The political temperature of the day. Yeah, how much unrest was happening on the road outside? Yeah.

How much jazz was being pumped out of a vinyl record player with an ear shots? Exactly. That sort of thing, yeah. How many old men were playing potonk outside? Exactly. Okay, so take that average croissant. Yeah, yeah.

Was it better or worse than the average pret croissant? Well, what a question, Ben. That seems provocative. Bearing in mind, the prets are technically French soil. That's right. They're one of the external territories. Yeah, they have a sort of embassy function. Guadeloupe, Martinique, and 8000 Prétumonges.

And there are certain crimes you can only commit in a pret, aren't there? Because they don't... Do they have an extradition treaty with France? Well, they are France. So they don't need one? They can set up a whole court system on the drop of a hat. Yeah, or sometimes if the toilets are out of order in a pret,

it's because there's actually behind that there is an entire French court that's been set up. And sure, some of the jury are sausage rolls, but that's because there's not enough French citizens in the venue at the time. Yeah. And also, where do you think pret got that skill at doing posters where they turn food into sort of faces and stuff?

It's because of the amount of food juries they have to create, isn't it? They can get the contents of a posh shed of sandwich and turn that into 12 jurors. It tends to be quite a hawkish jury, though, doesn't it? It will tend to be hawkish, but that's because it got hard to cross that loaf. But if you go for the poll, certainly in the triangular bread sandwich version...

You're getting a very easy ride. You're getting an easy ride, my friend. You are getting an easy ride. And of course, if you are found guilty by the mayor of your local pret and the jury, you are then beheaded to run those silver trays. They just throw it. Odd job slam.

Yeah. It's why they got these special bins with the head holes. That's right. So, bearing in mind that pret is France, and so the croissants are pretty good, I think, in print, I would say. Well, look, it's... I don't know how far back to go with this. This is a big topic.

I mean... Oh, okay. Croissants on UK soil. So, I'm including prets in that, because the soil under a pret, certainly if you go under and under about 200 meters, it doesn't become British soil eventually. I know that they've flown in a lot of French soil,

haven't they, to go underneath them. But eventually, you do get down to British soil. So, I'm going to... There you go, deep enough, yeah. If you go deep enough, you start hitting gammon and hell. Boiled eggs. And cups of sort of tepid tea. And the Brantston layer.

Of course, the Brantston layer. Yeah, the... Well, certainly croissants that have been available to us in Britain have improved a lot over the last 10 to 15 years, I'd say. Pret have brought in quite a high level of croissant. I think with the pret croissant, it depends what time of day you go in there, and whether you've got a fresh batch or not.

It's a bit like chips in a chippy. If you've got a fresh batch, you're laughing. If it's quite an old batch, they can get... They're very, very buttery, and they can get a bit sloppy a little bit. They can lose their integrity a bit. They can flop in your hand. Have you ever had that?

Yeah, I don't even... Yeah, yeah. I would just like to say that in a chippy, I like them when they're old. Do you? Do you like them when they've been cooked about five times? Yeah, I like that, do you? And they've been sitting there getting really soggy and...

Yeah. And there's little weird bits of, like, batter in there from something else. Yeah, and from somewhere else. Yeah. You on the newspaper, they're apted to be about the Suez crisis. Well, you're not interested.

So, I would say that they were better than the pret croissant. But for the first time recently in Britain, I've been finding that the average croissant is potentially fighting... You know, it could look a French croissant in the eye and not blink. Wow. It's about the moment.

I think the UK croissant has come on leaps and bounds. And yet the French pork pie is still in the Dolby's. They haven't risen to meters, have they? They cannot get a boiled egg. They've not mastered the skill of getting a boiled egg to... Inside a pie. Inside a pie and to extrude itself... Not out of its shell.

Out of its shell. It's still in its shell at the moment. The skill to get a boiled egg to extrude itself down a sort of four-foot-long pie, which is a skill we've got in Britain, so that every slice has a cross-section of egg in it. They've not managed that. And they never will.

And they never will. Once that secret is out, Britain is done for over. And if you've ever tried one of their grotesque pork pie tartars... That's when you have a raw pork pie. It's absolutely rancid. Shredded in front of you. Well, they've tried to stick crust pastry on a live pig. It's the ultimate pork tartar.

One thing that's different about France is they still operate... The Bolognese system in France is still... Has to be run by a sweet sort of couple. There's a sort of... Basically, the husband makes the bread in the back. So, he's a kind of hunched over, very, very gnarled hands. Kind of pounding his life's frustrations into the dough. Panning all his hate, all his frustration.

Yeah. He's never been able to leave that. Because they need baked goods every morning. And he's on an absolutely cruel schedule. He basically gets up at about 9.30 in the evening. He gets up before he's gone to bed. He gets up before he's gone to bed. Otherwise, it just doesn't work.

Otherwise, it just doesn't work. He's on yeast time now. And the fact that he even has a bed is just a cruel reminder of everything. He doesn't need a bed. So, that's why they're often their bed laid here about three foot long. Because it's purely symbolic. The rest of the time, he'll have a bed which he can get into. But it's a bit like Wallace and Gromit thing.

You get into the bed, you fall straight through a tube. You land in the bakery. Land and you direct me into the kitchen. You land in your lingerie boots. And you're at it again. And about every part of the lingerie. If you even sit down for five minutes, the chair is a fake chair. That opens up.

You can fall through it. Down to the next layer. Down to the next layer. Which is... An even hotter lingerie. An even hotter lingerie. With even more angry, impatient customers. Wanting longer and longer and longer baguettes.

And with more and more and more layers on the mille-feuille. It becomes mille-en-feuille. And then under that, it's the billion-feuille layer. So, they get up incredibly early. They do one batch. So, if you miss your croissants, you're done for. Whereas in Pret, obviously, Pret has... I think we've discussed this before.

But the breakthrough with Pret, and you'll see it in nearer, cafe nearers, and some Tesco Expresses, which is the mastery of the miniature baking oven, essentially. Which is, we've designed a miniature baking oven in Britain, whereby you can now have fresh produce in a garage. My garage has fresh croissants. They're not great.

They're sloppy, they're wet. They have no integrity whatsoever. They're the wrong shape. They're the wrong shape. They've got a sausage running through the middle of them. But they are hot. They're covered in... Crusted in sort of mashed up egg mayo.

And they've got chocolate macadamia stick run through them. Through the sausage. Through the sausage. With a crumpled quinoa over the top. And each one comes with a free defrosting kit for your car. Henry. Hi. Verse two.

Oh, good job. Coverset horde de esclaves. Cover this horde of slaves. De traits de rares conjurés. With treats conjured from rice. Pour qu'ils se ignoblez entrées. For whom these ignoble starters. Se faits des long temps préparés.

Have made long term plans. Français. Pour nous à quel outrage. France, for us, this is such an outrage. Quelle transporte yielde aux excités. Such an exciting yield transportation. C'est nous qu'on s'est médétés. It's us when we are meditating.

Des rendres à l'antique escalavage. Oh, on the Atlantic escalator. On the, all happening on the Atlantic escalator, indeed. It does start to take shape, doesn't it? It really makes, it paints a picture, doesn't it? Have you been to non-French France? I've been to Prét. Prét, of course.

So where is there? There's Guadeloupe. There's Martinique. There's French Guyana. It's French Guyana. They've got their own space station in French Guyana as well, haven't they? Yeah, that's where all that European stuff goes up. How is it?

That's where they launch all the European ones. No, I'd love to. I think it's guarded by legionnaires. Yeah, the French foreign legion. Yeah, that's a weird thing. There's a thing. But that's one of their jobs, the foreign legionist, is to guard that space base, isn't it?

It sort of feels to me, Mike, like you're going to know about the French foreign legion. So I've never, and I said it, is it that? If you murder someone, you then go to France and say, I'm a murderer, but not to worry. I'll join the army and you can forget about it. Is that how it works? They say not.

They say so the modern French foreign legion would say, no, no, no, no, we don't take people with criminal records or you've got to be above board and you've got to have a passport, blah, blah, blah. I think the reality is that all sorts of rum chaps turn up still to this day that would rather be somewhere else. Do you have to be French? You have to not be French. I think the officers are French.

Oh, so foreign legion means people who are foreign. It doesn't mean you're going to foreign places. It means you're not French. Yeah, exactly. I think the bases in the south, they train them in the south of France, that's where their base is, but they send them all over.

They very much send them to the nastiest places in the world. I think they have a very low threshold. If they've got to send someone to a really nasty war zone in Mali or Afghanistan, they might just send some legionnaires first and see how it goes for a bit. Pretty brutal. But I think if you go, you have to commit for five or six years.

And it's brutal. Is it like being a mercenary sort of, is it? Not quite. I think it's just someone else's army, isn't it? You'd fight for the French, but you're not French. Could we join, for example, or do you need any military acumen? I suspect you and I are probably a bit over the hill.

Oh, fuck off. Really? Age-wise. I'm getting in, right? I think age-wise, and probably your knee would probably... I think we'd all last five minutes. Ben is primed. Exactly.

Peak. What they're after. Absolute peak legionnaire material. This guy, Ben Partridge, we feel he could make the difference. He's got the skills, he's got the muscle to chase, he's got the ruthless streak that they need. And he's... It's about a will, right?

It's the perfect age. It doesn't matter about his body. Doesn't matter. He's got super... His slug-like body is no problem. We can... I know his slug-like. We have Taylors working on a suit

which can contain his slug-like form as we speak. He's not going to burn his hands going down those ropes. He can just slide down it. Slide. Yes. And he oils it for the next person. It's extraordinary. He can slip between land and sea,

just like an actual slug. He's fully amphibious. He can use it to our advantage. Real slugs can't slip between land and sea. Exactly, he's better than an actual slug. You're making my argument for me. Now... He's the perfect age.

Everyone has the kill age. It happens to all of us. It doesn't matter your body. It doesn't matter that once at fiver side Henry, a guy called Henry, very, very barely brushed against him and he fell on the floor, weeping like... He fell on the floor, clutching parts of him.

Forget about these asmr inhalers. We can just, we can worry about that later on. Yeah, don't put it on the floor, whatever you do. When thrown into a fire, an asmr inhaler is a grenade. You take a man with an asmr inhaler and surround him by wolves. Or put him in a jungle in French Guyana and make him guard a space rocket for five years.

You will see the true heart of the beast. The ultimate soldier. Yes, yes, that is what he is. We believe he is the ultimate mega soldier. We need to plaque him from Cardiff. We heard that the Welsh have a secret weapon. We must have him. Oh, well, yeah.

Yeah, so I probably can't do the podcast next week. Jack, I'm not sure how flexible they are about... I think five years. I think then you can apply to be a French citizen and then we can carry on the podcast. With you broadcasting from Nantes. Oh, great. Yeah.

So is that what you get then, in return? I think so. It's a good sort of plan C, let's say. Maybe not plan B, isn't it? The French run legion. Of like, if everything goes wrong, at least you can still... Bit least, you can be brutalised.

You can be brutalised and eventually riddled with bullets. In a very hot, very humid forest somewhere. Shall we skip on to the final verse? Yes, please. This is verse seven. Okay, bloody hell. Crumbs. I know, okay.

Good on them. Nous entrons dans le carrière. We're going into the cash and carry, correct? At the end of every French trip, that's how it goes. Quand nous aimons... Sorry, there's no other way to say it. Nous serons plus... When we no longer have aimesses.

Right. Nous étruvons le poussière. We are looking for the papouse. And the vertical trestle tables. Mama Zulu's got a wicked serve. Spreading or arranging the pâté in a circle. We will have the sublime motor oil. And the final line de l'évoluer ou de l'essuiver.

To avenge ourselves through swivelling. There we are. It's quite moving, isn't it? It's quite moving. It's extremely moving. I've never thought about the translation before. It's extremely moving. Wow.

All right, time to do the emails. Yes, please. If you want to email us, the email address is 3bincelishpodatgmail.com. Why don't we start with our old friend. Listener Bollocking of the week. Accessing Listener Bollocking. Bollocking. Bollocking.

And Bollocking. We are almost there. listening listener bollocking bollocking loading bollocking loaded. And these days it seems as if bollocking is coming to us. Yes, okay. Yeah, often two people will pick up on the same thing. Yeah. And send in a pair of bollockings. A pair of bollockings. It's appropriate. Yeah. Now, this one, I feel like there's been some, there's a lack of accuracy in the way the bollocking is aimed with this one. It can be a blunt tool. Yeah. So this is Rob, Rob from Bremen. And this is making reference to the last episode of the previous series, where we talked about

Henry's secondary podcast, or maybe Henry, your primary podcast, not sure. Al Fuckers. With a Z. With a Z. That's because we're skewing younger than for this podcast. There's three bean salad. We talked about spelling salad with a Z, didn't we? Yeah. I've even removed the Z from my surname as well, haven't I? Just to make sure that we don't skew in the wrong way. Mike Woniak. That's right. Rob writes, Hello Beans. It's with a heavy heart that I'm sending you the email, but some things are simply unforgivable. I've just listened to your latest Tusks episode, where I was appalled to hear Henry, and then Ben, I think we'll circle back to that,

refer to an owl's anus. Oh God. Given your ornithocentric history, I was dismayed by your ignorance of avian biology. Birds do not have anuses. They have cloacae, you fools. The cloaca, racket Latin for sewer, is present in birds, reptiles, amphibians, and a small number of mammals, and is responsible for the excretion of both ewing and feces, hence the consistency of bird shit. Yours inconsolably, Rob from Bremen, Anthony emails with simply the words cloaca, cloaca, cloaca, cloaca, cloaca. Birds don't have anuses, they have cloaca. One hole for all their excretory needs, Anthony. P.S. My little cloacad wonder loves the Bluebell song and sang along like a moron, so thank you.

So does he own a bird? It sounds like a pet rather than a spouse or child. Yeah, yeah. You don't want to have a human with a cloaca is not ideal, is it? No, that wouldn't be that. That wouldn't be. No, and, you know, no matter how well meaning it is, you should never give your spouse the nickname, the cloacad wonder. What's your take on this then? That's been great. Well, can I, before Henry decides whether he accepts the bollocking or not? Obviously, the bollocking has come my way as well. Yeah. And I do accept that. I just want to say that I heard Henry say Al's anus, and I thought I was at a crossroads. I could say no, Henry. Al's don't have an anus,

they have a cloaca as I was fully aware of. Okay. Or I could, or I could, you know, let Henry off for once. It's an oft used defense, isn't it? You stood by. You're passing the buck, are you here? You stood by and did nothing. Yeah, you stood by exactly. You stood by and did nothing. And maybe that was just as bad. I think that does make you complicit. I'm actually worse than Henry in some ways. I think so. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe that was just as bad, if not of worse than saying Al's anus is to stand by and do nothing while others say Al's anus. Well, your head is full of cloaca. Cloaca. You say cloaca. And I say a cloaca. Actually, you're right. The more I reflect on that, I knew what was happening in front of

me. And I should have said Al's don't have an anus, you fool. That's not in the spirit of the legionnaire, Ben. And really? Do you think this latest thing could jeopardize my application? I think they need to train it out of you. You're going to have to understand bird digestive systems if you're going to turn them into weapons when you're three months behind enemy lines in French Guine or in the jungle. All there is to harm yourself with is a half dead parakeet or a two cam. All you're going to have is the intestinal tracts of various different animals. You're going to be wearing them, eating them, weaponizing them. You're going to have to understand that stuff. So, Henry, I heard contrition from Ben there. Yeah. For me, it's a ball of king accepted.

I've come around to that. Ball of king accepted. But I'm interested in what is a cloaca? It's a funny word, isn't it? Cloaca. It's the Latin for sewer. So they've got a sewer, these birds. Well, they've got a kind of the effect of a sewer, which is a pipe that's full of piss and shit, essentially. So a horrible mucky stew. Yeah, a kind of... Yeah. And that's why they do the liquid. So when you say, oh, a bird's chest or a chest on my head, what you should really be saying is a bird has a chest and pissed on my head, simultaneously. Yeah. Okay. I've been anointed by the cloaca. What's a... Okay. What does a cloaca look like? Is it a circus, a sphincter-shaped muscle, like an anus, or is it more like a sewage outlet? Is it more

like it's a pipe that sticks out of the back? Constantly emptying into the seat. Yeah, to what extent can they control it? Do you know, does it work differently? I think it's like the back of a dumper truck. Okay. Well, it sort of mashes it down. It's got huge hinges. Okay, I'm looking at a cloaca. Oh, God. Oh, God. I mean, it's an anus by any other name, isn't it? An anus by any other name would still smell as sweet. Yeah, okay, I can... Are you conceding, Henry? I can see that, yeah. We've got to apologize. This has been a really gross episode again, hasn't it? It's been heavy on the digestive tract. Yeah.

You might have to use the digestive tract hook extra jingle. Have you got one of those? Yeah. Maybe we need a whole other, like, sorry, this was anus heavy jingle, I don't know. But then in a way, you're just making it worse. Exactly, you're drawing attention to it. Pressuring more anus content. What's the opposite of an anus? Maybe that's what you're talking about. A mouth. A mouth. But let's not start talking about what opposites are. Because the way you talk about it, the opposite of an anus would be like a beach club. A really nice beach club with great prawn cocktail, sky sports, nice area for the kids. Everyone can have a good time.

Quiz on Tuesday night. Yeah. Coming out on a Wednesday. Coming out on a Wednesday. BBQ on a Sunday. And you can hire snorkel stuff. But a couple of the masks, the plastic bit has started to perish a bit. You may get a bit of leakage. You might get some salt water in your eyes. Yeah, you can't sue us for that. We are. It's at your own risk. So there's quite a lot of paperwork around the snorkeling gear. Apart from that, it's a really good standards beach club. Yeah. That is the opposite of an anus. Yeah.

I've got a question, though. I'm going to accept the bollocking, but I'm going to, and I'm actually going to throw out a question back to these. You're turning it into a bollocking dialogue. Let's turn this into a bollocking dialogue. That's how we move past bollocings. What have something I've always intrigued me is how the bloody hell the birds reproduce. They clearly don't have any sex. They clearly don't have any sex organs. I mean, we've all carved a chicken. Would you like some breast? Yes, please. Do you want me to go on the wishbone? Yes, please. And who's going to eat the penis?

I don't think we've ever had that. Anyone's ever had that conversation. So they don't have sex organs. No one's ever seen them having sex. How on earth do birds reproduce? Is it cellular division or spores? Is it lab-based? Is it scientific? Good question. Good option. Also, you've brought up a good point with the carving the roast chicken. Next time I do that, maybe this very weekend, I'll be searching high and low for that cloaca. For the tangy meats of the cloaca. It's KFC's spring menu. Cloaca kitty bites. Probably only £2.99.

Well, good question. I think the weird thing about our listenership is, whenever we have a question, we do tend to get like a PhD level answer from someone who happens to be a sort of cloaco expert. So we'll, I'm sure we will get something. So yeah, do email in if you know. Well, seeing as you took that bollocking with such good grace, hadn't we? Do we think we could give him another one? Do you think you could handle a double bollocking? Don't get greedy. But okay, give it a go. Let's see what happens. This is from Carl. This is interesting because Carl is somebody that we all know. Oh, is that Carl? Carl.

Carl from Barring South Wales. Carl. Carl. Carl Chapel. So it'll be interesting this because there's a bit of, you know, in the past, all the bollockings have basically been anonymous. Yeah. And that's why I've liked them. But you know, you've got to face this guy probably at some point. Dear Beans, I'm sorry to have to submit this bollocking. I'm particularly to direct it at Henry,

whom I think may be the tallest of the Beans and perhaps the most sensitive. Oversensitive. Oversensitive is the term he's talking about. So Carl says, he's sorry to direct it at Henry, but it's out of my hands. A recurring offence must be addressed in the ways of seeing sub-episode, which by the way, you can only access if you're a Patreon listener. Henry twice, although this is putting off people potentially to sign up and listen to this, given that it's so riddled with accuracies. In the ways of seeing sub-episode, Henry twice and possibly more, I had to switch off.

Refers to Leonardo da Vinci as da Vinci. And in the latest episode, Tusks, he did it again. This needs to stop. Despite the practice of master story weaver Dan Brown and his creations, Leonardo may respectfully be referred to as Leonardo or as Leonardo da Vinci, but not as da Vinci. Da Vinci is not the great polymath's name. It is his address. Oh, I didn't know about this as a response to bollocking, do you? Is it all gone wrong? Wow, what the power of that bollocking? This is a bean emergency. Please try to remain calm.

So for me, I think Henry's on a bit of a kind of delay. So how am I? I'm hearing you after seeing you. Are you getting that, Mike? Say something, Henry? Hello. I couldn't be a less helpful wave. There's no way of knowing what my lip-fucked shape should be at all, and it's a long, continuous repeated sound. Unintervitable test. It's basically white noise. It's equivalent of silence.

How's that? Fine. So Leonardo may respectfully be referred to as Leonardo or as Leonardo da Vinci, but not as da Vinci. Da Vinci is not the great polymath's name. It is his address. So he is Leonardo from Vinci. He's from Vinci. He's from Vinci. So I haven't been calling him from Vinci. When you could have been, there's all those Steve da Vinci, Marion da Vinci. There'd be loads of people from Vinci. Okay, that's fair enough.

That would be like me calling Ben just from Cardiff, wouldn't it? Calling Mike of Exeter. Or calling me from the pulsating cultural hub of the Northern Hemisphere. Bradford. There's newly declared city of culture. Is it? Yeah. Well done, Bradford. So what do you think, Henry? Yeah, 100% take that, yeah.

But I can accept it. I was wrong. Well, well, well. I'm feeling quite accommodating today. Interesting. Maybe it's France. Maybe it's just having been in France. Um, finally, Mal, I think. This is from Jemima. Dear Beans, long-time listener, first time emailer. I am getting married soon to my wonderful partner.

Congratulations. Congrats. Who tolerates me listening to three bean salad at full volume on our very small narrow boat? We were uncertain about where to go on a honeymoon and settled on a nice cottage in Devon, near Bidiford. Or Bydeford. Bidiford? Bidiford, yeah.

As my partner has pointed out, this is very much, I believe, not far from your own lovely house, Mike Wozniak. We are very excited to visit the many local attractions, including Bidiford Railway Heritage Centre and The Big Sheep. While I have no doubt that these will be electrifying, I want to reach out to see if you had any suggestions for other things we could visit on our honeymoon. Many thanks, Jemima.

So that's probably specifically for you there, Mike. I mean, Henry, you've been on a honeymoon, you can throw in some tips, maybe, but I think she's looking for local tips. Well, I mean, the trouble of what she's done there is she's lumped me in with all of Devon, of course. But she's talking about North Devon. I'm in the south-east of Devon. Oh, so insensitive, isn't it?

She's another... So insensitive. It's another country out there. Obviously, to our eyes, it's all the same, isn't it? Yeah. You look quite similar. You've all got the sort of... All going wellies. You're all in wellies.

You've all got slightly hunched gates that you walk with. You all stare up at the sky through sort of narrowed eyes with suspicion. Don't you? What's it doing up there? Looks like it's a gender. But you know, you see the differences. Presumably there's lots of cultural differences, is there? Is this a rivalry?

Are you guys in south Devon a bit jealous of them? Because they've already got a blockbusters. Well, that's what they claim. I haven't seen it with my own eyes. I'll believe it when I see it. I hear they've got two moons up there. What do they need two moons for? They've got double the harvest, apparently.

I don't know what I'd advise it. She'll no doubt be hitting the favourite beaches of, you know, Walla Coombe and Sorton Sands. Something I've never done that I would like to do up there. Maybe she could tell me what it's like is go and see Lundy. I'd like to see Lundy Island. Can you go onto Lundy Island? I'm sure you can go onto Lundy Island.

I don't know if anyone lives on Lundy Island. Probably monks. There might be a monk there. I assume there's either some sort of conservationist protecting a... Some... A single chuff. Some chuff eggs. And there's a couple of monks and that's about it.

But I don't know. But maybe that's something that's partly why I want to go and see what's going on. And there'll be acres weren't there of just bird shit and piss. There'll be fields of it and... Which is full of it. You know where that comes from now, don't you, Henry? So you could talk a good game on all that kind of stuff. Exactly. I know all about that.

So if she's up for going to Lundy Island, I'd be interested to know what's happening up there. I don't think that's really what the email was, Mike. I don't think it was, can Mike suggest places that I can go and then report back to him about what they might be like. So what's happened is Mike has managed to turn this into Mike asking them for advice on what to do in Devon. Which is a very neat trick he's got.

I was managed to pull that off nearly. Well, I didn't know Devon very well. Beyond sort of going to Woolacoon, Moelthacoon, going to some beaches. She could wander a bit down into the Cornish North Coast. She could go to Tentagel. Ah, yes. The seat of Arthur himself. Seat of King Arthur, couldn't she? She could go to Port Isaac, where I honeymooned.

Oh, you honeymooned Cornwall. That's very 1950s of you, Mike. We were skint. Ben, my parents honeymooned. So genuinely in the 50s, this would have been, possibly 60s. In 60s, actually. But in a Welsh town, there's a Welsh seaside town, which is modelled after an Amalfi Coast Italian town.

Yeah, Port Mayrion. Port Mayrion. That's in North, that's in North, in the North, isn't it? The North West Coast. But it's such a, because I've always talked about how they honeymoon in Port Mayrion, and I googled it. It's quite a strange, bizarre place, isn't it? Port Mayrion's amazing. I've got a good Port Mayrion fact for you.

Gone. So it was built to look like the Amalfi Coast, as you say, or certainly it's a kind of Italian style. Imagine the beauty of the Amalfi Coast, but with absolutely dog shit weather. As described to you by someone from Sligo. Exactly. So my fact is that Jules Holland, a young Jules Holland went there.

And was so taken by the place, that he's got his own miniature Port Mayrion, where he lives. Oh my God. He's Port Mayrion, Port Mayrion. So he's built a miniature Port Mayrion, where he lives. Which was already a miniature Amalfi Coast. Yeah. So he's like, he's got a nano-Amalfi Coast.

Exactly, yeah. Yeah. So if you were to go to Jules Holland's mini-Port Mayrion, being inspired by that, and create your own mini-Port Mayrion, you would then be carrying on the tradition. Well, there we go. There's our tip. It's a bit of a schlep, but while you're in Bideford, when you go up to Port Mayrion, it should take you what?

Yeah. Six hours? It's time to be the ferryman. Pay attention. Patreon. Patreon.com. 4 slash 3 bean salad.

Big thank you to all the Patreons. Everyone here. Thank you. Thank you so much. Listen to our bonus material and all that kind of stuff. You can check out that at patreon.com. 4 slash 3 bean salad. There are various tiers you can join. Some of them get you bonus episodes and free episodes,

all that kind of stuff. If you join at the top tier, you get access to the virtual. Sean Bean Lounge, where Mike was last night. That certainly was. I imagine it was a pretty raucous time as usual. It was pretty heavy, juicy as per and... Was it the Avenue of Sean Bean Lounge Brickabrack Parade? It was. It was as it happens.

Yeah. Well, yeah, but it'd be interesting to find out what happens as a Brickabrack Parade, one's it? Well, what? Why don't I let you know? The atmosphere in the Sean Bean Lounge was electric. Last night, his crowds gathered from far and wide to witness the Sean Bean Lounge annual Brickabrack Parade,

in which Sean Bean Patrons flaunted their most cherished purchases from Sean Bean's compulsory weekly car boot sales. Hell, Blood Hands and Andrew Tracy led the parade with a pair of matching salt and pepper shakers depicting two dogs dressed up as cats pretending to be humans going to a fancy dress party as dogs. Emily Thomas brought miniature porcelain bagpipes, Martin Hunter Keele's padlock, Jack Pullman a padded clothes

hanger with hook missing, Jane O'Keefer, Ryan Phillips milk jug, and Alex Gray a care-worn teddy bear with a story to tell. The Sean Bean Hot Glue Gun Award went to Rachel Crouch for her beautifully restored Dukes of Hazard Sugar Bowl, and the Curled Up Dead Spider Prize went to Thomas Smith, whose fourth-hand Presto hot dogger contained 50 of them. Between them, Mark Petzoid, Rory Cullen, Derek Mann, and Rebecca Sands had 89% of a commemorative tea set from the wedding of Prince Edward

to Sophie Rhys-Jones. While Tako Doomforge and Ashley Narayanan displayed a beautiful collection of hand-carved, uselessly small wooden boxes, Matthew Bateman proudly showed his wax miniature of the grassy knoll, Callum Thompson a tuning fork, Scott Kay a Warwickshire CID warrant card from 1973, and Vic Tate flaunted some sections of metal tubing that may or may not have been from an old radiator. Johann Torfy Olufsen brandished a stained glass cod,

Christie a used file of axe with human bite marks, and Todd Schreiding the sacred amulet of Gilgamesh. The crowd thought the parade had peaked with Joan Jones' 4 kilo electric hand fan, or J.N. Wright's upholstered carriage clock, but they went absolutely bananas as James Donnelly produced his collection of exposed but not yet developed disposable cameras of uncertain provenance. Thanks all.

Okay, now before we go, let's have a look at what version of the theme song are going to be playing. Play us out. And a reminder, if you want to make a version of our theme tune, they are always more than welcome. Just send them to 3beancelladepod.gmail.com. No talent to scant, is the way I'd put it. That's our watchword.

And it was how we met, it was how we met, wasn't it? It was through that. The scant talent. Yeah, on the scant talent com. Circuit. Scant talent roadshow. Yeah, that's right. Dan Mackley emails, salutations.

Though I have enjoyed the recent theme song renditions, I believe there has been a real void of dreamlike EDM inflected battle rap trap versions. Yeah, I can't fault him on that. That's a real genre fruit salad there. Not entirely sure, is he going to sort us out? I didn't even know what EDM is. What's EDM?

I think EDM stands for Electronic Dance Music. Okay, yeah. Come on. Well, as I just call it, music. I mean, that's my baseline. Do you know what I mean? And of course, Henry, you're big on the trap scene anyway, aren't you? So, well, you're more horse and trap.

That's... Yeah, Von trap. That's my vibe. He says, I hope to fill that void with my version attached. And shout out to my dad, Paul, who listens as religiously as I. Hi, Paul. Well, thank you, Dan. Hello, Paul.

Hello, Paul. And thank you all. And thank you all for listening. Thanks, y'all. Bye, everyone. Bye. Beans. Beans.

Beans. Let me tell you about the beans. Lean, be me, machine, and what it means these. Three gents from around the isles keep talking away about flags and islands. If the beans were a horse in a race in the past, it would be something akin to a canter. There's no joke when I say that the kings of Luke run banter.

He lives in the south and his mouth has a top up a lip of incredible beauty. His reflector, bollocking skills are second only to his love of the monarchy. He sounds like a loveliest gen, but he'd be no surprise if he came out as a murderer. Sparves. No. How does he know where I live? Well, if you're looking for something you can wake up with.

If you're one in three, people with exception are weird. If you want a little chuckle when you're absolutely hammered. It's nothing quite like a little three bean salad. If you want three people who sound nearly the same for the first 10 hours, you can't tell them by their name. Urinating tigers and flightless parrots. This is nothing quite like a little three bean salad.