Three Bean Salad - Going To Disney World And Not Wanting To Be Dressed Up As A Ruffian

Episode Date: October 5, 2022

Jen mines her own dreams this week to provide the beans with the topic of going to Disney World and not wanting to be dressed up as a ruffian. Silk worms get a shout out early doors, before the beans glide through Gary Lineker, glance briefly over Bulgarian politics and end up somewhere in the region of The Fonz. Enjoy but remember: you can’t sit on your own arse.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladGet in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

So how's everyone been? Oh, that question's always a hard one. I know. Sorry. How can I account for my time in the week since I saw you last? Yeah, what have you achieved? Oh, that's a high bar. How have you have you contributed? I made some barbecue ribs. Okay, that was probably the highlight of my week. That's quite cool. That's only make some food and it's really nice. And then you just think about it basically nonstop for about a week afterwards. And you can't really think about anything else. It's a bit of a humble brag that was the humble bit. It wasn't an old school traditional arrogant brand. Yeah. That was a classic. If you had eaten these ribs, you'd be

saying that I was downplaying it. I was soft pedaling it. Yeah. Well, who witnessed this? Did your partner, at least, were their friends who my partner had some of it? I ate most of it. Well, as was your right. It or them? It or them? Yeah, I mean, I'm you thinking a single mega rib? You didn't specify the species. It could have been one 18 foot long whale rib. To be fair. No, no, I said ribs. So it could be it could be two 18 foot long whale. Basically, I'm trying to pick holes in Ben's like bulletproof arrogance to do with how how well his ribs went. I'm just being a rib pedant. I'm trying to find any weakness in his rib story. Okay. So was it? Yeah. So how many? I think how how many ribs was it then? I think

about nine ribs. Nine ribs. Yeah. So not even four and four from one side to three, five in the other butchers dozen. Why? Yeah, why? What was the secret to your success? Or was it was it was there a glaze, a marinade? That was a glaze. Yes, there was a glaze. I used the American barbecue sauce sweet baby rays. Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on. Wait, you've got an opening here, Henry. Because it sounds like he's used a pre he's used a pre prepared sauce, which I then mixed and some Branson's pickle with apple cider vinegar. It's too late by that point. You can mix it as much as you like. It's too late. Mixing is cooking. Mixing is cooking. Mixing plus heat equals cooking. Except in the case of salads, which are they cooking or not? Big,

big French debate. They've just been left on a radio. We don't have time. We can't do that in an hour, Henry. That's a huge French debate right now. That's the European Parliament is currently tearing his hair out about that. It's been going on for years. It deals with most of the French. That's why they've got such a huge civil service, isn't it? It's just so much of dealing with that that question is is is salad cooking or not? That's why every town has a has a quite powerful mayor who can at any time kind of either amplify or tamp down that debate happening in their town. Yeah. Yeah. And he can seize dressings. They still have the right to seize dressings. They'll often do that in the middle of the night. When a French family will often be eating salad.

Well, I'm very much in the camp of once you're making a dressing, you're emulsifying. Okay. Okay. For me, that is cooking. Which means you're creating a suspension of fat molecules within a liquid gas or jar. Is that right? Correct. Yeah. And so are you saying emulsifying is heating by any other name? Yes. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. And I'm saying that maybe, and I know that there are archaeologists out there who say this and who've looked at cave paintings that actually the Neanderthal prehistoric man made dressings before they cooked over fire. Yeah. And they found evidence, they found traces, haven't they, in that old ancient French cave? And jars with chervil and oil. They found scatterings of pine kernels and pumpkin seeds,

haven't they? Yes. Ancient croutons. Right. Yep. They found evidence of stilton dressings, rock floor dressings, the Waldorf. And of course, raw lardons. I mean, that was what tipped them over. Was it what quite short to do with these lardons? That's it. Yep. And they eventually had to invent fire to cook those lardons. That's right. Oh, Mike, when you were in America recently, did you have any ranch? The ranch dressing? Yeah, the weirdest foods. I mean, I don't think I've had it knowingly. I don't know what it is, really. What is it? It's the taste of a ranch. So what is that? It's sort of gun rights. Huge hats, gun rights, hooves, big car, yellow ribbons, chaps, hot chaps. And a great sense of community. Yeah. And a traveling preacher

man who's carrying heat. Oh, nice. I like him. Yeah. He's got a black Bible that's got a gun in it. Do you mean packing heat rather than carrying heat? Nice. He's carrying, he's carrying. Carrying heat sounds like you've got an infection that could probably dealt with a single dose of penicillin. But if left would have disastrous consequences. Yeah, that sounds like there's a contact tracing element required. He's, I don't know. He's nursing heat. He's nursing heat. And he's got the black outfit, the black hat. And he's just like a cowboy where everything's black. But he's got a little dog collar and a little Bible. But so he's just, he's got a cool sort of character. You're sketching here, Henry. Yeah. I like this. What's he called?

He's called Billy Bob Ranch, Pete. You probably need to chuck a dock in there somewhere. I don't think it matters where dock goes. Yeah, you're right. Dock. Dock, Billy Bob, Paul Rich. Yeah, Billy Dock, Paul Rich. Yeah, and he's got various jars of various jars and little bottles has an eight of ointments and things. He's ordained to kill. But a power vested in me, die. Anyway, I'm not sure what ranch dressing is. Yeah, that's what we're trying to talk about, isn't it? It's basically the only American food stuff that hasn't kind of made it anywhere else, I think. I'm picturing a kind of salmon colored wobbly dressing. I think, yeah, I think you're on the right track. Sort of pinkish, sort of got some peaches, sort of

thick. I'm imagining it to be very sweet, for some reason. Yeah, it's going to be sweet. I think it looks a bit like Matt White emulsion paint. Okay, but pink. I don't know if it's pink. I'm looking out. I was imagining it's more sort of tawny, tawny brown. Is it one of those ones where it's a different color to the bottle? The bottle is a certain color and you're expecting to pour something out of this brown. That's Pepto-Bismol. Which I can tell you now does not work on any swaths at all. On salads? No. Also, what is Pepto-Bismol? We still don't know. What is sanatogen tonic wine? That's just vitamins, isn't it? That's for ancient, I think the tonic wine bit is just the snake oil part of it, isn't it? So what's the sanatogen bit?

That's just the name of a huge company that makes vitamins. I think tonic is the bit that if you're of a certain generation, you can persuade someone that if something's got tonic in, then it's going to be very good for you. That ping was a photo. Oh, that's ranch dressing. I've just sent you both a photograph of some ranch dressing. It is white emulsion, you're right. Oh, I definitely didn't have that. That doesn't look very appealing to me, I have to be honest. It looks too mayonnaise-y. It looks like mayonnaise plus. It's so white emulsion. That is ready to go. To me, that looks like they go on a bathroom wall, that's going to keep moisture in. That is a good paint.

An outhouse or a pork chop doesn't matter, it's ready to go. Yeah, to me, anything that's white as a dressing is a bit, anything that's non-transparent. Or at least translucent. Yeah, at least translucent. It's completely opaque, this one. The dressing should spread itself, right? You shouldn't have to get a palette knife out, so you have to spread your dressing around the salad. And it shouldn't be instantly hardening so that you have to keep punching through it. There shouldn't be any violence in the consumption of the salad. I think this might be hugely offensive to our American listeners,

but I think that the criteria for a good salad dressing in America, they've taken quite a lot from us. So those that are still with us are quite a hardy bunch, I think. I think that the top criteria for a side dressing in America is, can you dip a Dorito into it? And can it be used as a dip, essentially? If you dropped it off the top of the Empire State building, would it kill a man? Yes. Yeah. It's the other side of that coin, of course. And would you need dental records to identify anyone? Would it have to be DNA? Would it have to be a DNA base? We've had to separate the salad, the dressing DNA from the human DNA.

We've had to put our special dressing centrifuge. Yeah. And we've identified, we've looked at, it's a ranch style dressing, and we've managed to identify that husband as a prof doc, Rob, Billy Bob. And now the ranch dressing is salmon coloured. Dentists come preacher, come gunslinger, wanted in 16 different states. Operating in Tennessee in the late 19th century. That's what happens when you use a street side DNA specialist, use three bean salads, DNA. DNA in salad dressing, testing suite. I think what we were talking about at the point was whether a salad is cooking.

Yes. And the long debate that's been going on in France about that. Yeah. And I'm very much, I'm on the side is cooking. I think as soon as you're using any kind of kitchen utensils you're cooking. So one of the demonstrations they've done in court for the various legal cases that have happened about this is. Is this Ren 69? This is Ren 69. So it's the people of Ren. Versus Guillem. Versus Guillem. Who was a Guillem again? Well, he was the mascot for one of the major supermarkets, wasn't he? So he was. Yeah. He was Guillem. He was a, well, he was a 15 foot high tall beef tomato.

Well, well, that was, that was one of the problems was a lot of people couldn't tell if he was a beef tomato or a parakeet, because they'd skimped a lot on the costume. So there was also various other legal cases, which were the people versus Guillem and the parakeet. And separate case, the people versus Guillem, the 16 foot tall beef tomato. And there was also a case, which is Guillem the 16 foot tall beef tomato versus Guillem, the, the massive parakeet. Oh, when he sued himself to see which ones he was, which is still ongoing, I think. Yes.

Henry, what is, what am I in French? Cascues-je-suis. Cascues-je-suis. Cascues-je-suis. Cascues-je-suis. Cascues-je-suis. That's why people still wear Cascues-je-suis t-shirts to this day, isn't it? They do. They do.

And really what, what that case was about, whether he was a beef tomato or a parakeet, but it was also about the soul of the nation, wasn't it? What is it? Well, exactly. Really? Exactly. Fundamentally. It's France, it's France a huge beef tomato.

Liberté, fraternité, tomate. Tomatique. Tomatique. Tomatique. Parakitique. But it's still seen as an unprecedented case that is now, that is, you know... Well, certainly, I think certainly if you're going, if you're going to court to, to work out if you're a beef tomato or a parakeet,

that will be the first case your lawyers will look at, for sure. It's not nailed on. It's going to be precedent. It's one of those cases where, it's still ongoing, but it's one of those cases where all the lawyers are absolutely buzzing, because they know this is going to be precedent. This is going to be precedent. You're buzzing, but apart from the lawyers who've actually taken on the case,

because they did it for no win, no fee, and it's been going on now for more than 40 years. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Horrible debt. Also, they're in the second generation of lawyers. It's a mess. It's classic French bureaucracy as well,

because obviously beef tomatoes are untaxable in France. So that means you can't... Whereas parakeets are 60p in the franc, aren't they? So parakeet revenue has been propping up the French state for years. Yeah. And the beef tomato can't earn, Kenny. That's the tragedy of it. He can't earn while this is going on.

Sorry, you are a photo as a beef tomato before the end of the court case. We're going to have to cut that. We're going to have to cut that. We can't. But come on, everyone fucking knows. He's huge in his red. He's got a big green head. That's one of the chants that the bilingual French people...

He's huge. He's red. He's got a big green head. He's got a big green head. That's one of the chants that's on the court, isn't it? He's clearly a beef tomato. Which is the same in French, isn't it? That chant.

C'est grand. C'est rouge. C'est grand avec un rouge. Tête grand. Par les vies. C'est un parakeet. Par les vies. C'est un parakeet.

That's the alternate one. What people in this country don't tend to understand is, obviously, over the past few years, also going back years and years and years, people get annoyed about French lorry drivers going on strike, blocking up Calais, that leading to big traffic jams in Kent, and the knock-on effect it has on British holidaymakers. Families in Dover.

It's all about that court case, because those lorry drivers, they're very much parakeet, actually. They're on the parakeets. Yes. That's right. And they wear those gilets barraquettes, don't they, with the sort of hi-vis feathered tabards? You'll see them.

You'll see holidaymakers. It's so sad to see these British holidaymakers. They'll be stuck on a ferry that is now just going round and round Britain. It's not allowed to dock in France. They do circle, don't they? It's the same as with aircraft. They have to circle.

Unfortunately with ferries, it's an absolutely enormous circle. They have to go before they can dock again. Just got to keep going round. Ferries, aeroplanes and sharks all have to keep moving, otherwise they sink. And if you're on one of those ferries and you're thinking, God, I just want to go to Calais, but where I can currently see them passing the Yorkmese again.

Exactly. If you were to break into that, the captain's room, the prow, or what is it called, mate? You'll know. The bridge. The bridge, the bit with the wheel. The bridge. The big wheel.

I assume they still use a big wheel. It's a big wheel. That's how he relaxes. He goes and sits on a big wheel. There's lovely views from the top of the big wheel. It's now a flat screen with a picture of a big wheel on it that you move around with your finger, but it's still using the same technology.

It's still that. That is then well-wired into pistons. And cut and coal. Hot coal. Anyway, that person will be dressed as a beef tomato because they are very much on the beef tomato side of things. They're on the beef side, of course. And that is why they're not being let into the port

because it's been completely clogged up by the parakeet supporting lorry drivers. Yeah. But Ben, you now have a situation which is utterly ridiculous where the captain of the ferry is dressed as a beef tomato, but all of the staff managing the cars on and off the parking areas within the ferry dress as parakeets. Yeah.

And you've got these poor British families. You've got children crying. You've got men and women having to eat parma out of the packets, which they... Well, which has been airdropped by the British government. It's the only way they can survive. Which we're paying for with our taxes. And they've got these families, they didn't know what's going on.

And there are these burly men and burly women dressed as the ferry, the people that manage the cars, dressed in the high vis feathered outfits. They've got no idea what's going on. And some of the children, it breaks my heart to think some of the children even think it's some sort of game that's been put on for them. And to some, perhaps, it is a game.

Well, it's become a game. To the elites, the rolling classes. That's right. A deadly game. Well, it doesn't cost them anything, does it? I mean, the six or seven rich families that control Europe. Yeah. Them.

All descended from the Habsburgs. Yeah. They have little figurines dressed as beef tomatoes and parakeets that they push around giant maps at home just for fun. Don't they? Just because they've bred out their own ear lobes. They can't, they can't, they'll never be able to pull off wearing earrings properly. That's the only, that's why they're so angry.

And of course... Clip-ons aren't the same, Karen. They just aren't. Which is their motto. Clip-on ear lobe. Clip-on ear lobes. Clip-on ear lobe. Yeah.

Industries. I mean, it's really way behind at the moment. Well, the first question is, what do you clip it onto? Right there, you're in trouble. Well, that's a philosophical question, is it? That's going through the courts in France, isn't it? Through the French courts. The sad thing, of course, is that Guillaume himself dies in 1998.

Oh, that's right. He will never know whether he was a beef tomato or a parakeet. And also, because of the legal status of the situation, he's not allowed to be buried. So he's currently still in one of those costumes. Well, he's still in that one costume. But because it can't be, it's not being established. Basically, does he get a steak beef tomato funeral or a steak parakeet funeral?

And it can't be, that's still going through the court. So... He's still in the Ren City Council mega-freezer, isn't he? Just waiting. Well, that's the thing, he spends half the time in the Ren City Council mega-freezer and half the time in the Ren... The Sub-Zero Avery. In a Sub-Zero mobile Avery.

So, sorry, we're going back to... So, Ren 69 was obviously the court case we were originally talking about, which was Guillaume versus the people of Ren to determine whether or not... Well, you know, that's the real tragic thing about this case, Ben, is that what really was it actually even originally about? Does anyone even remember? Because I don't use it. Mike doesn't.

Because none of us do. And we're experts in this. And we've been talking about it for a quarter of an hour. Not decades. But what I would say, Ben, is when you're trying to establish... If you think the salad's cooking, then the old thought experiment you do is... I imagine... I get you, Ben, picture a plate.

Can you do that? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, okay. And this was the legal sort of tactic of the lawyers in Ren 69, wasn't it? This is what? That's right, yeah. Guillaume, every time I wore it, he could picture it with a bowl, wasn't it?

A syndrome, I remember. That's right. So, he felt the first hurdle. So, yeah, I'm picturing a plate. Yeah. So, picture a plate. Now, on that plate, imagine a metal... A metal man cooking a salad.

Imagine a metal hand, whether or not it's attached to a metal man, don't worry yourself with. Just picture a simple metal hand. Is it holding the plate or is it on top of the plate? It's dangling. Dangling downwards above the plate. Okay, not on the plate. But it...

This is hovering. Like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible. But out of shot, we don't... You don't know... You have to imagine the way you've imagined it. Oh, hang on. So, it's a double layer of imagining. Okay, so, imagine yourself imagining.

So, yeah, you have to imagine... The way you imagine things is like a film where there's an edge of the screen where something can be off-camera. Obviously, the truth of how you imagine things is that things... A lot of it's done in post. A lot of it's done in post. Yeah. But imagine that the arm of the metal hand is off-screen.

So, you don't know if it's attached to a person, if it's controlled by the pope or anything. It could be anything. But that's not what you're worried about. Worry about is a simple metal hand. Or claw. That's holding a piece of lettuce. Okay.

It releases. The lettuce falls onto the plate. Yeah. The hand retracts. The hand is back. It's now holding half of... It's a cucumber slice. It releases that.

The cucumber slice falls onto the salad. It comes back again. Now, it releases a cherry tomato. Now, cut to half an hour later, there's a salad in its was on that plate. At what point did it become a salad? It's a good question. Yeah, yeah.

It's a very good question. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so think about that. Yeah. I think it was a salad as soon as whichever consciousness was controlling the metal hand, whether that be the pope, the half-sburgs, some kind of AI, when it decided to make a salad,

the lettuce became a salad in its hand. Okay. Picture another scenario. You go home, your fridge has fallen open. There's been a disaster. It's fallen... Your fridge has fallen down. The door is open and the ingredients of a Niswa salad

have accidentally formed themselves in a pile on your kitchen floor. Into a perfect Niswas. It's got the lettuce. It's got the beans. The potatoes have boiled themselves. Boiled some eggs. The potatoes.

It's like the potatoes. The potatoes. What happened? What happened while you were out? It's an extraordinary coincidence. The potatoes and the eggs have fallen across the room landing in the pan. That impact has knocked the handle of the pan down,

that's hit the hob. That's turned it on. There's also been a leak of water as it happens above the hob, which has leaked water down into the pan. That's boiled. Eventually it's tipped over into a sieve. Eventually it's tipped over into... You know what I'm saying, isn't it?

Yeah, no, no, no, no, no. I'm making a good point. So your question is, is that a salad at all? Is that what you mean? Yeah, let alone cooking, mate. Is it even a bloody salad? I would say that that is a ghost salad. Okay.

Not a true salad, no. Okay, not a true salad. For you, a salad is all about intent, then. Yes, it's all about intent. It's about the men's rare. Is that what it's called? Right. Yeah.

It's about motive. So it's like a murder case for you. And there can be a premeditated salad, there can be a salad passionel. But... It can be a misadventure salad. A misadventure salad, yeah. But never a true accidental.

Yeah, that's what I believe. But I'm not saying I'm right. I'm just saying that's what I believe. And my ribs were excellent. That's the main thing I want people to think about. I tell you what. What all of this has been is food for thought. Now, let's crack open some more food that's related to thought.

The bean machine. Oh, very good. Very nice, Henry. Well done. Oh, thanks. So the bean machine has done its thing and determined which topic we'll be talking about this week. Thank you to everyone who's been sending in their topic

recommendations, which kept putting the bean machine. Thank you. I was going to read one out. We got one this week from someone called Jen. Thank you, Jen. She writes, I had a dream that I took Mike Bosniak to Disney World and he became angry when I tried to dress him up

as an oldy-worldy ruffian. Thri Bhinsan should do a podcast about going to Disney World and not wanting to be dressed up as a ruffian. Niche. I have never been to Disney World. That box remains unticked. So you're not saying you've never dressed up as a ruffian? I think that's in the eyes of the beholder, potentially.

True. Because the real ruffians are the people in the designer suits. Am I right? Oh. There we go. Exactly. Yeah. With the double cuffs.

Yeah. And the mini, where each shoe is a mini jet ski shoes. Yeah. And every type is a private jet. And the silk on their underpants is so soft. There's literally a worm spinning it that's attached to their buttocks. They have two buttock worms on each buttock. Just spinning live.

You're wearing live boxers, essentially. A live underwear. Those worms aren't getting any of the gravy, are they? They're not eating gravy. Well, they're eating dead skin off your arse. And turning it into silk, which you're then wearing on your arse. Because there's nothing softer to an arse than itself. And an arse can't sit on itself.

That was the challenge put down in front of Italian tailors. 1744. And a buttock cannot sit on itself. And if you look at some of the old Hedwig-Heronim's Bosch paintings, they're people trying to rich, a rich person trying to sit on his own buttocks in hell forever. They can't reach them. But now, they can't. That was the original Sisyphus, wasn't it?

But it was thought to be too blue. So they turned it into pushing a rock off a hill. Exactly. Yeah. But the subtext was. Can't sit on your own arse. It feels like that should be like an Indian, but I don't know what for, really. Do you know what I mean?

Like, well, you can't sit on your own arse. Yeah. But what, you know, what wisdom does that actually impart? That we need each other and each other's arses. You're so right. You know, famous quotes, right, that become famous. One thing that slightly annoys me is... All of us are in the gutter.

Some of us are looking at the stars. I'm looking at the stars. That was Gary Litt. That was Gary Litt. That was Gary Litt. That's what's usually Gary Litt. He provides that much today. Well, you know about none of yours have got famous yet.

None of yours are in the syllabus. It takes a while for them to punch through, Mike. It's a long game, okay? They take a while to punch through. Bourn-Mose, aphorisms, proverbs. Maybe we need to hit eBay and Etsy and start selling posters saying you can't sit on your own arse. You've got to start with a merch.

That's the way Oscar Wilde did it. That's the way Gary Litt. He started with merch. It was merch first. It was merch first. And then the product. And you see which mugs fly off the shelves. Well, then it becomes a product which is

a TV show called Sitting on Your Own Arse with Henry Patten. I don't think aphorisms tend to spin off into a TV show, do they? Well, of course that old phrase called, this is a right old antics road show. That one has. This is a great game we're watching. I'd call this one, My Match of the Day. I thought about you, that television TV show.

What's the news? Yeah, I guess there are a few when you think about it. Yeah, exactly. In fact, all of them are, I think. What's the weather? That's turned into one. What do you call those people that get up to various, fairly mundane but at the same time

quite suspenseful and emotionally fraught family and friend and work-related incidents who live towards the East End of London? Or EastEnders, that's one. Yeah, okay, okay. I'm corrected. I mean, it's not an enjoyable point. I'm not enjoying making it.

But Henry, I think in order for our listenership to start using the phrase, you can't sit on your own arse. Like, we've got a certain number of listeners now. If we can get this into their everyday speech, we can start seeding this. Not just in Britain but across the world. But what we need is a conversation in which this could be used

so people can understand the context. A situation that it sheds the light of wisdom. For example, you are trying to get out. You're trying to flee the barn but you've already closed. You haven't closed the door yet. Well, that one. You've bolted it or you haven't bolted it.

Or you've bolted it but it's too late. But on your island, do you live on alone even though you're not on our island? Yeah? That one. Now, yes, we need to find a situation where so like, you know, don't throw the baby out of the bathroom. Yeah.

There are ones where you go, you reach for a phrase because you... That's what they are. Yeah. Yeah, that's phrases. That's phrases. So, you can't sit on your... Well, say for example, if...

I think Mike is right. I think it means you sort of can't do everything on your own. I think the only trouble with it is it's not about doing something. It's about not doing something. It's about doing naff all. This could be the first great phrase that is simply never applicable to any situation either in life. It's just not applicable.

It's still true but it never comes up. But I'm trying to popularise it here, Henry. We need to find a... Yeah, no, you're right. You can't sit on your own arse. Well, yeah, I think it's... Yeah, it's someone who's trying to do everything by themselves. They're multitasking.

You've taken on too much, Carol. You can't sit on your own arse, Carol. Carol's so busy she's been meaning to buy a sofa for four years but hasn't got around to it. Yeah. Finally, one of her friends says, well, you can't sit on your own arse. So, she does buy a sofa.

So, she's going to... Possibly purchasing a sofa. No, Mike, I think you've misunderstood half of what's going on. I think that's the worst possible case to use. Mike, frankly, you... I wish you could sit on your own arse. Shit on your own arse. I can manage that.

I can manage that any day of the week, mate. Just to poorly timed sneeze is what it takes with me these days. Can I say... Can I say, you know what you can't sit on your own arse? It's a classic case of a phrase... It sounds like it's a phrase which is like Italian or something and just doesn't quite translate. The old Chinese proverb.

Yeah. It's like what we say in... It's like you can't sit on your own and you go, yeah, I can see there's some wisdom in that but it's probably something that's very localised to Italy or China. It's probably an original word and there's some of the... A couple of dual meanings that we're not quite getting. It's not quite accurate.

Exactly. Yeah, yeah. So, Carol, you've taken on too much, right? You've got your own business you're running. You're also running several other people's businesses for them. Uncredited. You can't. You've got your own marathon on Thursday.

You can't. You've got your marathon on Thursday. Great saxophone on Tuesday. You've got a marathon on Thursday and I've heard that the marathon is taking place 26 miles away from your house and you've decided to run there. Come on, Carol. Why not accept a lift from your cousin Timothy?

Because after all... You can't sit on your own arse. I mean, you can't sit on your own arse, Carol. But the trouble with that is that it feels like Carol sort of needs to sit on her arse in a way to relax. You're doing too much. We're telling her she can't sit on her own arse. I've just realised the problem with this as well.

You can sit on your arse. That's exactly what we're all doing now. Oh, no, but you can sit on your arse. But no, that's the point. You're missing the point that you can't sit on your own arse. Yeah. I understand the point, but I think in terms of the aphorism trying to get this popular, people would just go,

well, you can sit on your arse. No, that's good. That's in its favour, because one of the most famous aphorisms is you can't have your cake and eat it too. But you can. And exactly. Oh, God, all fucking mighty! For the ages, people have got incensed about that,

but that's what's made it so catchy. That's why people love it, because it gets people... And also... ...blund up and then, oh, what does it mean? Ben, also the whole reason it's a good phrase. So a lot of these phrase meetings get very, very heated, and that's why... Because people think it's easier to come up with a phrase.

Like, you can't throw the baby out with a bath water. That would have been weeks of arguments and stuff, with the people that came up with that. So the plug lobby would have been absolutely incensed, the whole idea of this. They'd have hated it. But the issue is that the reason it's a good phrase, Ben, is it kind of feels like maybe you could,

but the fact is you can't. Because you feel that you can sit on your arse, but you can't sit on your arse. You can sit with your arse, is the trick. Yes. Now, now you can sit on something. That's the reason it's a good phrase, because it's nearly true.

It's like you can't throw the baby out with a bath water. That's a good phrase, because you could actually throw the baby out with a bath water. You know, you could throw it out with a bath water. So if you say to me, you shouldn't throw the baby out with a bath water. I'm not thick. I'm not thick.

It's not... You shouldn't take the baby in a rucksack to the top of Snowden, and, you know, and re-enact all this, you know, Alpetrino's best scenes from his... All his bath tub chucking scenes. But also you could do that. Last time I'm seeing scenes.

You could do that, and you should. If I actually couldn't, you should do that. Anyway, let's try and get that, or try and get that going. You can't sit on your own arse. Maybe it finds its own meaning. Maybe if we dispatch all of our listeners to just use it, to workshop it, throw it out,

yeah, verbally and emails, whatever it is, you know, maybe one of them will end up in a voxpop on local news at some point. I mean, who knows, you know, we might see where it takes hold. It'll take it to... It'll develop its own meaning organically by just being disseminated.

And one day we'll hear it, it'll come back to us, and, you know, it may be... It'll have been picked up by the far right, or something, wouldn't it? And we'll be like, picked up by the far right, it'll have a completely different meaning to what we can imagine. And it'll be something to do with about

how to hide an offensive tattoo from a new employer. It'll be something to do with that. It'll be the election slogan of some kind of far right Bulgarian political party called, like, the Iron Guard or something. And we'll trigger the beginning of the end of the world. Yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, we as a podcast cannot sit on our own arses because we rely on the topic sent in by the listeners. That's right. Until that was the topic. What? What was the topic? Disney World, just as a ruffian. No, that was someone sent in as a suggestion.

That had gone in the boom machine, that hadn't come out. Oh, I see. I read that out on the way into the boom machine. Oh, yeah, I beg your pardon. I thought we were doing that topic. Well, maybe we should. Maybe we should now. How did we get onto arses, though?

I don't know. What would we call it as a topic? What's that? So, the official topic is going to Disney World and not wanting to be dressed up as a ruffian. I think Jen has suggested that topic, thinking that we won't do it. You think?

Because it's so long and strange and breaks the format and so many ways. I think she's just done it in the middle of the night, hasn't she? She's just fired it off. She's woken up from a dream. She probably doesn't even remember that she sent the email. I bet.

It's a four in the morning job. That's a good point. And she probably doesn't even listen to the show. Exactly. It's probably just an accidental... The whole thing could be a sort of... You get bummed out. Do you get bum emails?

Could just be a bum. A bummit. Could be a bum email. You get a bum email, especially if you're asked to sit on itself. There we go. It's gone. Hey, come on, mate.

Yeah, nice. Tasty. Oh, can I just do a little pompadou? This, please. And now it's time for... Pompadou section. Pompadou. Should we talk about what happened last week

and their big note topic? Well, we could... But the only thing is, I'm thinking that this week feels like it's gone a bit strange as well. I mean, which is fine. I'm happy with it. I'm having a nice time.

But it feels like we're hardly in a position to start talking about what happened last week. We're in the middle of an absolute fucking shit show right now. What do you mean? I don't think... I don't think when they were going down on a Titanic, they were going, God, bloody hell,

that Pompeii was a fucking disaster. No, mate. I'm dealing with a crisis right now, actually, thanks. That's like discussing Pompeii on the deck of the Titanic. We've got another phrase. Well, yes, what did happen last week? Well, last week we just had a huge intro. Catalog of errors.

Yeah, there was no topic last week because our intro is so long. I think I just want to put a line in the sand that says we can't... That can't keep happening. No. We have to cleave hard to this... To the format.

...format. Yeah. Otherwise, what happens if we lose control? We just become a three dickheads talking podcast, which... And that's one thing we've never been and never will be. And no one would ever think we were. Well, yeah, we don't want...

Yes, yes. Yes, because I listened to them. They wanted the topic. They wanted the topic. They want to be informed. Exactly. This podcast, more than anything else, is about education. Yeah.

Where else can you go and listen to an entire podcast about bags, for example, and feel the inner that episode? That you don't know about bags. You didn't know about bags before. Now you know about bags. Yeah, yeah. And the listeners need us to talk about these things because you can't set on your own arse.

You can't... You can't just educate yourself. You need others to help you. Good grief. I just wanted to make it clear to the listener that we're not abandoning the format. No, there were possibly mitigating factors last night. We had a very sort of distressed Henry

at the beginning of the episode. Yeah. Yes. I was dealing with a lot. I've never seen a Henry quite like it, you know. Yeah, yeah, it was... It was all sixes and sevens, wasn't it? It was all over the shop.

With his central band of sweat. Is your central band dry today? Central band is... It's like a long round breadstick stretching all the way around my ribcage. Dry as a... Lovely. Dry and crunchy. Lovely.

What I would say is format-wise, we've gone from an episode where the format was cast aside to an episode where the topic is going to Disney World and not wanting to be dressed up as a Ruffian. Yeah, it feels like as a podcast, we're now lurching from one extreme to the other. And we simply don't know what to do, doesn't it? There's an element of that.

And that possibly we might not have done ever at any point. Yeah. I can't use another phrase. Yep. Jump to the shark. Oh. Yeah, that's what we don't want people saying. Oh, no, that shouldn't really chills me.

That's a chiller. You know, it can't be that people talk about a bit through being silent in years to come and say, yeah, it was good. And then there's one episode where they throw out the format and then the following episode was about going to Disney World but not wanting to be dressed up as a Ruffian. And just after that, it just kind of pitted out.

I think the thing about last week is I would say to expect us to go straight back to normal would be unrealistic. You know, when a hard wind rolls across an exposed hill, the tree that doesn't bend snaps. Was that an original bit of wisdom? No, that's a genuine old Chinese proverb. Damn. So hard to come up with.

I think that's a genuine proverb of that one. But it's true, you know, like we've got to, well, there's going to be ramifications. You know, you don't get an earthquake without... Breaking a few eggs. ...without breaking a few eggs. And, you know... So you're saying we're in a rebuilding phase.

Yeah. I think we're still feeling the shockwaves and absorbing it and it's going to have ripple effects. Yeah. And, you know, today, I think we've just, we've sort of gone too far the other way by taking a topic which is unbelievably... Obstruse.

I think that's fair. The other day, I heard someone... The phrase Jump the Shark now has got to say to you, everyone knows what it means and everyone knows where it came from, right? Yes. That's what everyone, everyone knows. It's almost as if the phrase...

It's got these rare double hits. It's almost as if the phrase itself is... You can do it, Henry. It's not going to work, but you can do it. For all means do it. It's not going to work. It's not going to work. When you send an email,

you must give thanks. To the postmasters that came before. Good morning, postmaster. Anything for me? Just some old shit. When you send an email, this represents progress. Like a robot shoeing a horse.

Give me your house. My beautiful horse. Okay, time to read your emails. If you'd like to email us, send them to 3B inside pod at gmail.com. It's time for listening to Bollocking of the Week. Bollocking loaded. We... The thing is, we predicted this bollocking and almost sort of...

We need maybe a term for when you can see the bollock coming because you set the bollock going. Have you had an email from a bassoonist? Well, I've had lots of emails from musicians saying that there is such a thing as F-flat. But I was very, very, very clear. You were clear. And some of these emails are long.

Like proper, like two pages. Lots of capital letters, not much punctuation. Is it that kind of... Is it like really like quite angry stuff? No, no, it's more like considered... Oh, right. Intelligent. I'm a musician and I'm going to sketch out why it's important that in a scale you have one of each letter.

So for example, in the C-flat major scale, it's C-flat, D-flat, E-flat, F-flat. Otherwise you'd have to say C-flat, D-flat, E-flat, E. You've got two E's in the scale. So I've got a lot of hard and heavy music theory. But I want you to cast your mind back just a week to what I said. Do you want to even play it back in then, maybe? Back in. If a bassoonist can play an F-flat and send it in...

Then I won't accept that bollocking. How's that? Okay. But only a bassoon. I'll only take it from a bassoon. Those are decent terms, I think. Yeah. Or a big oboe.

I would only take this information from somebody playing, playing an F-flat on their bassoon. Or big oboe. Or big oboe. Corrongly. By the way, can I say, this refers to a bit of conversation between you two, which happened while I was trying to fix my Wi-Fi connection, I think. Yeah.

Last week. Yes. I don't really know what this is about. Well, I think Ben's just explained it. Oh, yes. No, I know. I realise that, but I wasn't fully 100%, shall we say. Dancing to his tune, listening-wise.

I was very much listening to the Beethoven drum. It was while Ben was doing one of his smooth, classical introductions. Ah, okay, yeah. And he mentioned the possibility of a symphony in F-flat. Then I said, that couldn't happen. Then, of course, I caught myself and thought, no, of course, there is such things as F-flat. Why wouldn't there be an F-flat?

Come on, Henry, use your grade for flute. Can I tell you something? I'm a natural when it comes to music. For example, this. That I've done, that's two perfect scales, probably. I don't know which, I couldn't tell you, a single letter that was in there. Doesn't matter, is it?

That's just the man imposing data on double it. Frankly, when it comes to musical stuff, I'm self-taught. So all the instruments that I can play is because I've taught myself, and I haven't actually taught myself any. The reason I can't play them is because I've chosen not to teach myself, not because someone else hasn't taught me. So you're self-not-taught? I'm self-not-taught.

Anyway, it's very clear, I'd only take that information from somebody who sent me a recording of them playing that note on a bassoon. You haven't done so, so all of those, and there's literally 10-ish emails. Saying there's no such thing as F-flat, is that right? There is such a thing as F-flat, exactly this. You've had a few chances now to listen in on this one, Henry, I think. No, no, but I think he's right because I'm not accepting it. I'm still not accepting it, despite knowing it to be true.

So are we going to play in one of them playing F-flat or not? No, because they haven't turned it in. Because they're saying it can't happen, right? No, because they haven't done it. That's because they haven't got a bassoon, probably. They haven't got a bassoon or a big oboe. So is it the classic case of someone saying, oh, I could do it, I just don't happen to have a big bassoon?

It's the classic case of that. Yeah. Well, they haven't got a leg to stand on then. They haven't got a big bassoon and they haven't got the inclination to play it. What was it? C-flat major scale? I'm going to be totally honest with you. I'm saying something genuinely from the heart right now. I have absolutely no idea about anything that we're talking about.

I couldn't explain any of this to anyone. I don't know anything. I just literally have not taken on any of this. But I've had a nice time. That's what counts. Why have you decided to say that now in series six? No, when it almost any point in the past year and a bit, you could have said that. Yeah, you're right.

I don't know. I think something's changing since last week. Last week is cast a long shadow on this book. Long, long shadow. I mean, I've gone from eating bananas in the last section to rice cakes as well. It says something, didn't it? So, yes, that is, for me, a very robust bollocking not accepted. That's a reflector bollock.

Reflecto bollock. And also, if anything, I'd say bollock entrapment. They've fallen into your bollock trap, haven't they? You knew that bollock was coming. I didn't think so. And also, I didn't think you were in the position to say that because you just admitted you don't understand anything that's happening. We'll snip that out, Mike.

Mike, Ben, what you've done is the equivalent of making a, digging a hole in the middle of a forest in the exact shape and size of a bollock and covering it with leaves. Yes. And sure enough, the next morning, what we're having for breakfast? One hot bollock on the skewer. So, why did you put the bollock in a ditch covered in leaves? No, a hole in the shape of a bollock. Can't the bollock have fallen in?

Okay. Mike, are you listening? We'll be eating bollock tonight. None of us are listening. Okay. Let's move on. Bollock in a soy glaze. Guys, we've got to listen to each other.

You can't sit on your own arse. Oh. A Larry from New Zealand emails. She's from a somewhere called Diamond Harbour. Lovely. Sounds nice, doesn't it? Sounds like a great setting for a soap opera. Tast, doesn't it?

Yes. I'm not going to marry you because I'm already married to you. Diamonds in their eyes and diamonds in the sea Come with us and meet the families of Diamond Harbour. That's fantastic. You're no brother to me, but you are a mother to me. Larry was trying to work out what our favourite desserts would be. She writes, I imagine...

What do you mean, would? Would be? Under what circumstances? Well, are, I guess. Okay. I guess it would be in the circumstances that we could have whichever dessert we wanted. She probably didn't imagine the question would be interrogated quite so immediately. So I think some of the caffeine is just hitting...

I've gone into my pedantic caffeine response. I've just had quite a lot of coffee and I've gone ultra pedantic and I will be for a few minutes now, sorry. I think you've always got a bit of a hangover from the Diamond Harbour kind of soapy kind of back and forth you get with. Yeah, you're in kind of... You're in melodrama mode. Yeah, exactly.

That's why I'm like, that's exactly what I mean. I'm in melodramatic Diamond Harbour mode. Yeah, you call this... You think this is a tiramisu. Look a little bit closer. It's a tiramisu and it's your wife. She says, she imagines Henry with something fancy in French and slightly unpredictable, like an orange creme brulee.

Orange creme brulee. What do you think of that? I think I don't know, Henry, you're quite tried French aren't you? when it comes to French things. I don't mind a crème brûlée. I probably wouldn't go for an orange one. That's what I'm saying. You go for the classic, you know, the benchmark crème brûlée. I'll go for one of your benchmarks. I'll go for a novelty mint choc chip crème brûlée, none of that business. None of that stuff. I'll go for a pot-a-pom, a pom seed with play, a pot-a-pom, a pom-pom-pom-pom. You just have an apple?

I have an apple. I have a big old player on the weekend. Yeah, cheers. Yeah, just take the apple, thanks. From Mike, she says, mixing a traditional solid foundation with fruit and apple strudel. Very strong. I mean, yeah, I'll take it. I'm absolutely bloody loving apple strudel. I feel she understands me. She hears me. I feel seen. It almost feels like she's been examining our stools because they don't matter. That's a harder job with Ben there with the bean machine attached. So what has she got for you, Ben? That's a hell of a trip.

Well, she says she's not sure about me. She can't think of a Welsh or Eastern European ham-equivalent dessert. So she's gone for a cheese plate. Well, you look disappointed. You've got quite a sweet toast though, haven't you, Ben? Oh, yeah. I want tiramisu upon tiramisu. You'll have a cheese plate, sure, but you're not going to miss out on the pudding trolley. No, I'm all about that pudding. I want a tiramisu tower. There we go. Is she responding to the tiramisu stuff there, or is it just... I think so. Yeah, yeah.

She says, if you ever visit New Zealand, you must have hokey pokey ice cream and lemon poo hoi yoghurt. Okay. I'll give that a go. Does she give any further details? No. I would never go near a yoghurt dessert. I'm very much a yoghurt skeptic. I think yoghurt is some sort of conspiracy. I don't know what it is. Literally, what the hell is yoghurt? I think I saw a documentary once that said that yoghurt was basically invented by ad men in the 70s. No, it wasn't.

As a way of disposing of like old curdled milk or something. I've never been able to track down that documentary again, but it was very compelling. There's some sort of conspiracy around yoghurt. Like, think about it. Why the hell are you eating yoghurt? Mad. Cool, sweet, refreshing yoghurt. I think you're right. I think in the 70s, they rejuvenated yoghurt as a product. That's it. They bought a ski yoghurt. This is the documentary, Ben, didn't you see it?

Yeah, I think I probably saw it. Yeah. They repositioned it as from what? To a kind of, as a health thing? To a lifestyle choice, a cool thing. They tried to make it. Yeah, they made out that it was healthy, but the stuff they were selling wasn't at all healthy, because it was dysfunctional. Okay, that's it. So, that's her emails, I think. But I'd love to hear more from people about tiramisu, by the way.

So, to keep that tiramisu stuff coming in, I know we've had a lot of emails already. You've got a zeitgeist map of the world, haven't you? You're seeing where it's spreading. Henry's tracking the tiramisu zeitgeist spread, as we speak. It's made it into Central Asia, certainly. It's swept through Africa. I've already identified some super spreaders, Greg Wallace. Some of them weren't going to be named, but there are, I'm just trying to work out the

pattern. Is there a tiramisu ground zero where it started? The first tiramisu, is that where you're trying to get back to? Certainly, for this current incarnational era of tiramisu, because I think we are, I think it's now clear we're entering the second great tiramisu era. We're in it now. What a time to be alive. Yeah. So, keep those emails coming in. We haven't got time to read them all over the...

I mean, we haven't got time to read them all. Yeah, do send them. Henry won't read them. Well, please do send them. We haven't got... Just to be clear, there's absolutely no chance of Henry reading any of those emails. We don't have time to... We simply don't have time to read them. Please keep them coming in, but we've got to be realistic. We don't have time to read them, but keep them coming in.

Well, we have time. We're just not going to do it. We have time. We obviously do. It's time to pay the ferryman. Thank you, everyone, who signs up on our Patreon. Thank you very much indeed. There are three tiers that I'm going to... We don't normally talk about Patreon very much, but I'm going to do it.

There's three tiers. One tier means you get ad-free episodes, get rid of them ads. Which is the Haricoteer. Correct. Next tier up, you get ad-free episodes, but you also get a monthly bonus episode, which is made up of stuff that we've held back from these episodes. So there'll be more Disney World Ruffian chat

that will only be available there. Pinto tier. That's called the Pinto tier. And on the third tier, the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout-out in the Sean Bean lounge, where Mike was last night. Indeed. And quite an evening, I think.

I believe it was the early Christmas dolphin pageant. Is that right? That's exactly right. It gets earlier every year. It does the early Christmas dolphin pageant. It actually really starts to annoy me. It's literally, it's October people. Yeah, but the dolphins love it.

That's true. And they're there voluntarily. And here's my report. The snorkels were high, and the blowholes were fizzing like freshly sugared yeast at the Sean Bean lounge last night, which had been especially flooded for the early Christmas dolphin pageant.

The dolphins arriving late as per, Michael attempted to entertain the crowd by swallowing a mackerel hole before dancing across the surface of the water on his flukes with such figure that he triggered a whirlpool, which sucked him into the Patreon lounge for a podcast about the childhood of Patsharp. The dolphins having finally arrived,

they were signed in, given guest pass lanyards and novelty Sean Bean masks by Laya Sarano-Murray, and teamed up with their partners. Jane Bryant and her Indo-Pacific bottlenose depicted a leventine closed in, as never seen before by balancing balls on the ends of their noses.

Catelyn Canning and her Vakita pulled off three shepherds of donkey in a decent balthazar with a series of high spinning flips through colored hoops, only slightly marred by landing on John Bleesby and his observation raft and crushing him to the shape that's the opposite of a porpoise. Ever open-minded,

John generously said he was after a new look anyway, and kinder prefers it. Audrey Rouch mocked up most of the spare characters by juggling two Laplatters, a South Asian river dolphin and a false killer whale, leaving only Caesar Augustus to be portrayed by Tom McGonagall being fired repeatedly into the ceiling from the blowhole of an era wadi.

Never has the Christmas story been told so early and so wetly. Thanks all. Right, let's work out whose version of our theme tune will play us out. Thank you, Tov, when you sent in the version of our theme tune. This is from Liam.

He's behind. He says, I'm on a journey through the archives of the pod, listening to each show in a row, and he's currently up to islands. Okay. He says he's attached to Jingle, which is in a sort of stadium synth pop R&B style.

Nice. Not really sure what that means, but we'll find out. No. Thank you, Liam. Sounds pretty epic. Thank you very much indeed, Liam. And until next time.

Thank you, everybody. Bye. Bonsoir. Thank you and goodbye. you