Three Bean Salad - Guy Fawkes

Episode Date: January 15, 2025

We will never know if Guy Fawkes’ grim end would have changed had his barrister not gone for the “He only wanted to make the Houses of Parliament lukewarm” defence. Perhaps Mr Fawkes himself would have drawn comfort from the fact that, thanks to Georgia of York, he is now (and for the first time ever presumably) memorialised in podcast form: a medium he could have had no understanding of and likely would have suspected was a concoction of Satan or a Dutch conspiracy.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladWith thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Merch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [e-mail] @beansaladpod

Now, the temperature has plummeted hasn't it? In the last week or two. Oh it's icy out there. It's proper icy. I nearly went A over T a few times. Not actually icy. What do you mean it's not actually ice? There's loads of ice. There's loads of ice. Not in London though. London maintains a sort of semi tropical temperature just because of sheer rat activity. Yes, sewer. Sewer temp. It's basically underfloor heating. But instead of chemicals being run through Londonian pipes, it's loads and loads of human shit and rats sort of frolicking and fighting on it.

pipes. It's loads and loads of human shit and rats sort of frolicking and fighting on it. Isn't it? It's a hot furry fluid. That's the underfloor heating of London. It keeps your roads safe. It's a hot furry fluid. It keeps us all toasty. And that's why quite often in London you'll see someone shuffling about in flip-flops. It's all year round. That's a look. Turd smear flip-flops. Turd smear flip-ops, flip flops, or flip flops. They've been if you see these people, they've normally been down surfing the sewer. And that's right. Which is a reach to passage for Londoners, isn't it?

17 and 23. You do your first. Because you know, that reminds me when I lived in Glasgow. This little pause there, Ben wants to make a jingle about the Glasgow years. This little pause there if Ben wants to make a jingle about the Glasgow years. Just opening it up as a possibility. Is it just the sound of various irate Scottish people shouting at you? Who was that prick?

Oh, that fucking prick again. I'm not even going to call him Big Man, which I call everyone. I call everyone Big Man. I call the man that murdered my auntie Big man, but I will not call him big man. I like average man. That's as far as I'll go. They do all call you big man in Glasgow, which is lovely. It's great. It's a lovely feeling, man. Have you enjoyed, have you experienced big man, Ben? I've experienced that. Although I've also experienced the opposite of that in Glasgow. Getting the chick kicked out of you. Um, by a group of sailors. Yeah.

By the way, the Barrowlands is a kind of, um, I think it's a music venue, but it's also like a kind of, it's in the East end of Glasgow and it's a kind of, it's a kind of, it's very much Mos Eisley. Okay, it's, it's like, it's kind of trading of like, sort of black market stuff. It's just loads and loads. It's a kind of marketplace, but it's all black market stuff. Okay. And you get people, you get people selling boxes of cigarettes. Nice. With you know, with like the writing on them in no human language. These Marlboro's are off world. But what was really funny is you get I remember seeing this kind

of old couple and they were talking to a cigarette vendor. They obviously hot, hot cigarettes, bent cigarettes, you know, whatever. And they were sort of tasting them. They were given a sort of, they were just standing there. Yeah, it's not bad, I suppose. What do you think, big man? That's quite like them big man. That's how couples refer to each other. Do you, big man, take you, big man, to be each other's big men. It's the Presbyterian way.

So when I said I've had the opposite of that, what I mean is I've been to Glasgow a few times. I really love it there. People in general are really nice, but also I've met the rudest person I've ever met. When I got a bus, I got out of the train station, I had to get a bus somewhere. And for some reason there's like two companies that operate buses in Glasgow. And this must confound loads of visitors. It must do.

But there was centuries long to family bus feud. They've got a bus mafia. So because any buses which have, which have full side cannon, don't they? That's something you don't see that often anymore. And if you get involved in a bus, in a sort of territorial bus skirmish, when you're just on the way to work, whatever the way to work, whatever you see a grappling hook sailing through the air, get off the bus. Because otherwise you will be scripted. You'll be like, no, shoving hot cannonballs into just firing ordnance. Anyway, gone.

So like, I got on the wrong company bus, which must happen a lot. I just think it must happen a lot. What do you mean the wrong bus as in going to the wrong destination or the wrong, the wrong brand? You already had like a pre-bought ticket for the wrong, for the wrong family. I think I'd bought a ticket and it was- You had the big band voucher. You should have had the Wee Man voucher. You should have had the Wee Man. Yeah, Wee Man is the other thing, isn't it? You shouldn't have the wee man. Yeah, wee man is the other thing, isn't it? You don't want to hear wee man. If you're hearing wee man, if you're above the age of 10, you're in deep doo doo. Yeah, so I got on the wrong, I think it was first bus I'd got on and it was meant to be a different

one. And I sort of realised this as I got on, but I wasn't quite sure. And I just went, oh, I've got this, but I think I might be on the wrong thing. And I just tried to explain and I thought, well, this must happen all the time. So he's just going to say, Oh, it's this. And he just stayed looking straight ahead and just went, no. Which didn't answer any of it. Like it didn't make any sense of anything I'd said. And yet it was clear. There's a lack of subtext, isn't there? Which could be quite refreshing, essentially. So, you had to say he wouldn't let you off the bus, essentially?

Is that what you're saying? I bought a ticket that went from the airport to the centre of town and then apparently I could use that same ticket on a local bus. Glasgow Prestwick, by the way. Yeah, the only place where Elvis ever set foot in Britain. Lovely bit of texture there, a little bit of detail. It's Glasgow's main airport. Yeah, I think it's sometimes known as Prestwick International. I'd say it's probably Prestwick's main airport as well. Well, Prestwick has its own JFK.

Prestwick was the first airport to have, Prestwick was the first town to have JFK airport in fact. Press it was the first airport press it was the first time to have JFK airport. Yes. And it's the only airport I've ever been to where once that once when I was flying into Glasgow, I think I was too late for the tray, the final train had gone. So the airport actually organized the kind of thing where it's like, okay, so here's the solution. Just all have a chat with each other and just sort it out. All right, big men. So they just sort of encouraged us and everyone just started chatting and we all just came up with solutions. It was like, okay, we... What was the solution?

Well, it was sharing a taxi generally, but just everyone was sort of organised into like... It wasn't, I shall carry you on my back and if he carries me on his back then... If we get progressively smaller and smaller, well, less and less big men, so we start with the biggest man. We need to line up big man to wee man. A perfect spectrum. Because it is a spectrum. Big man, biggest man to wee-est man. How many E's in wee-est? I haven't got time to discuss that now. Three feels like too many, two isn't enough. I don't know. It's like zoology. It's hard to know when to stop.

It's hard to know when to stop. Our apologies to any listeners in Scotland. Are you experiencing these accents? We found him. The one exactly in the middle. It's the medium man. The medium. The medium man. Who shall bring about the emancipation of Scotland. What's his name? Henry Packer you say? Oh no.

Set back because of independence a thousand years. Okay, right, this is enough. Apologies all around. But something was reminding me of when I used to live in Glasgow. We were talking about surfing on a wave of turds. Can we reiterate please, all three of us are very big fans of Glasgow. Absolutely. No, Glasgow's lovely. But the reason it reminds me of it is because when I was living in Glasgow, I lived and had a succession of flat shares with various people

asking you to leave the flat. Was it people that were repudating the open bin policy? Come one, come all to my bin, Ben. It's very cool. Think about it. Anyone can chuck something in it or throw up into it. Quite often will. I basically one of the flat shares I lived with one of the guys I shared a flat with. So I basically had a succession of flat shares. It was the late 90s. Right. I was working in the digital digital animation field in a company that was literally called Digital Animations. That's

how early it was. But that's the one which I've discussed before invented the digital newsreader who now doesn't do the news anymore because it was decided by society that we'd rather get our news from humans. She's got a job in Tesco. She's got a job literally in Tesco. And I saw her the other day. I think this actually never made it to a non-Patreon episode. People might not know about this. Anna Nova was the name. She was called Anna Nova.

She was a digital newsreader. I did some of the animation on her. She was never released for news because it turns out that people trust humans more than a poorly animated sort of like Commodore 64 level kind of human sort of humanoid character. But we did use her to demonstrate we've made little films of her to demonstrate how to use ATMs, which I did some animation where she's leaning forward and pulling notes out of an ATM. And that's been sort of, I don't know on the kind of animation markets, I don't know how it works, but it's been sort of sold and resold and gone around the world. It's ended up in like Tesco's on the

screen. When you're doing self checkout, you see animation can be repurposed so many times. So for example, if you need an animation of a woman pulling sausages out of a hat, you can use my work. You can repurpose that. You could repress it or pulling, pulling torpedoes out of a submarine. You can use for military purposes, military tutorials. Long grass out of a dog's ass. Perfect for vet school. Yeah, perfect for vet school. It's sort of like a, when you come to think of it, most things do come down to pulling

something out of something else or putting something into something else, whereby you just run the animation in reverse. It covers most skills. Also, we may have covered this in the Patreon episode when we talked about Anna Nova, but it's worth mentioning again that Anna Nova's got back, right? Oh, she's got booty. Is that what you're talking about? Yeah. Well, that was because remember it's the late 90s, so I was a young man. It was the era of the new lad, wasn't it? It was the era 90s, so I was a young man. It was the era of the new lad, wasn't it?

It was the era. It was all un-reconstructed. And it was so easy, using digital technology, just to increase the size of a backside. You had Chris Evans whispering in your ear, didn't you? I had Chris Evans whispering in my ear. I had a pile of High Street honey posters on my desk. And obviously Tony Blair was torso of the week. Exactly.

I was dating Carmen Electra. Or at least the Glasgow version. Big man Electra. But, but I sort of, by the way, I saw Alan over the other day. She is. I saw her the other day. She's inside the self-checkouts in co-op. She's doing tremendously well for herself. She's doing so well. Yeah, she's in co-op at the moment. So you'll see that the booty is quite large. I'm not sure if that was me. It might have been though. Because with 3D technology on a computer, that's just literally one roll of the mouse,

which is like, increases, increases, so it's so, and you can get carried away and lose track of, you know, you lose track of time sometimes. I've been increasing Anna Dover's buttock size for like two weeks. And you're working in a dark office space with just sort of four other quite geeky men, right? Okay. You haven't physically looked at a woman in months. You don't know.

You can't remember what they shape they are. Sometimes there's a point in, maybe this happens all the time, but there's a point in, in this development of any great technology, when Henry Packer steps in, I get involved or someone like me. But Henry Packer steps in, or someone like me. And what happens is, there's a kind of like, there's a maybe this is all maybe this maybe twas ever thus, I don't know. But basically, there's a kind of paucity of information like penetration around the company. So that you what do you mean? Well, imagine a kind woman with a really, really, really big buttocks pulling information out of a tube.

Okay. That's how you envisioned the internet, wasn't it? That was your pitch. That's what Tim Berners-Lee had as a revision. Well, it was still my favourite bit of the 2012 Olympics opening ceremony. Essentially, I came to what I realised in this company, that there wasn't a lot of the basic most a lot of people in the company, there wasn't a lot of like, information wasn't

dispersed or evenly people didn't really know what other people were doing essentially, or how it all worked. This suddenly feels by the way, like a business podcast and I'm here for it. This is great. Yeah. It also feels like a thing to that cup compartmentalized, were you actually really being worked in a sort of Russian troll farm? No, Mike, because if I'd been working in Russian troll farm, would I still be getting emails telling me that I'm going to get paid eventually? So essentially, yeah, it's a business podcast. We're talking about information dispersal.

Hey, today we're talking about lateral information exchange. We're talking the top animator and businessman, Henry Packer. Henry, welcome to the show. I'm Steve Gruber Heimer. And so is my assistant, Steve Gruber Heimer. It's the two Gruber Heimers. So basically people didn't know, so the CEO, for example. Absolute chump.

He was such a chump. You've literally given the name of the company by the way. And the dates. And the technology, as the specific technology product that we developed. I'm going to say this year for this particular mystery. The CEO was a bit well, the CEO got changed a few times. They kept on bringing in new CEOs to try and rescue the company. We need a bigger man.

So I started to realize, but I think maybe actually this isn't so much a thing about companies, it's more about a character type, which I am, or there's a certain kind of person in every company that finds the information cracks, lodges themselves in between them. Are you sort of putting yourself forward as a kind of lone genius? Is that what you're saying? No, no, no, no, no. No, very much not. Because someone that basically, I basically came to a point where I realised no one knew what I was doing. Including you?

Especially me. That was why I was so powerful then. You can't fire someone even if they don't know what they've done wrong. I realized that, I genuinely had this thing where when the CEO would walk around the room, I would just focus in on a bit of digital stuff on my screen. You just make Al-Nobis buttocks slightly bigger, wouldn't you? I'd make sure that when he walked past back to his office, they'd got bigger in between. I was doing something. He watched 25 times a day. But basically, it's a key point where I realized that he if I just focused in on these little dots on the screen and sort of move them around, it just looked like I was

doing something and literally no one knew what I was doing. It just didn't matter. Because they were actually qualified to know that I wasn't doing anything. Like no one, it was just, it was poor information dispersal, Ben. This is the risk. No, it wasn't. There was no information dispersal. All the information was vertical,. This is the risk. No, but I'm just gonna quickly focus in on the anecdote that we need. Not necessarily that we want.

I'm trying to remember what this way I mean, we were based on the rat surfing. So that triggered a memory which is in one of the flats I lived in in Glasgow. I was sharing a flat with a bloke, an English bloke who had all very different flatmates who was coming and going all the time. And this was probably one of my worst ones. His hobby was putting on a wet suit, meeting up with a bunch of friends who were also wearing wet suits and body surfing down the River Clyde. What? Right.

So that was his hobby. Now that's kind of fine in saying, right, whatever. Okay. I've never seen that in Glasgow. I've never seen anyone. I've never seen that. It takes all sorts. Now the river Clyde, I didn't I didn't have the river Clyde is a particularly polluted

river, but any any big city with a big river in it, that river is is is polluted. You know what I mean? Like the Thames is absolutely it is. It's rancid, isn't it? And I'm gonna say the Clyde was rancid in moderns. In modern Britain. In modern Britain, exactly. So a side effect of this was, so after you just moved in, I thought, oh, this guy, maybe he'll be all right. And then I came home one day and I opened the door on my flat and it's the worst smell I've ever smelled.

The flat absolutely stank. And then I suddenly went, there's a dead body hanging off the ceiling with three dead bodies hanging off the ceiling. It's the smell of the three dead bodies hanging off the ceiling. And then I come there and there is that they hung their wetsuits out to dry. So once a week him and his disgusting mates hung their wetsuits after a body surf down the Clyde to dry in the flat and it made the most disgusting smell I've ever smelled. But to be fair to the guy, he did leave after a month without telling me or paying his rent.

Yes, because he would have been accidentally swept into the Phaslane nuclear submarine facility and Shaves Cajun destroyed. Let's crank up the old Hello Georgia. Hi Georgia. This week's topic as sent in by Georgia from York. Hello Georgia. Hi Georgia. It's a topic that I think is close to York's heart. Yeah. Minsters. It's not Minsters.

Yorvik Viking Centre. It's not Yorvik Viking Centre. What the hell can it be? The topic is Guy Fawkes. Oh, is he from York? I think he was from York. I think I might be wrong. It might just be that George is from York and is into Guy Fawkes. I don't know how famous Guy Fawkes is internationally speaking. We're quite obsessed with him in

Britain. Yeah. Well, we used to, I actually, I did notice recently that we don't as much as we did. I've set myself a bit of a sort of syntax challenge there. I'm not sure if I can rise to it. We used to do the effigies, didn't we? Much more than we do anymore, I've noticed. Do people not effigy that much these days? Oh, sorry, Mike. I forgot. In London, we don't effigy. Do you think they're effigies? Mike was genuinely panicked at the idea

of effigies going out of social. Keep the community together if you're not burning effigies. But you effigies, I mean, you're effigying on a daily basis, aren't you, Mike? There's so many different things. Of course. Effigy is your main, what's the main way in which you comprehend change, isn't it? If I have a local disagreement with a neighbour, the next day they'll see that there's an effigy that's been made of them in Wicker and then by evening it'll be on fire. That's right. And that's why you always, because for a lot of people when they meet someone it's a handshake, isn't it? But in Exeter it's a handshake and then you make

a sort of putty mould of their whole body, don't you? As a greeting and a warning. Yes, exactly. But then you can use that putty mould to create the effigy, can't you? Which is stuffing with hay. And if you want to imagine how you stuff an effigy full of hay, picture a woman with a 90s haircut and a really, really big booty pulling cash out of an ATM. And then reverse it. Replace the card with hay, the ATM with an effigy and reverse it. It's not being distracted by that jiggling booty. The thing is though, sorry to take it back to Ananova, it doesn't jiggle at all because

it's. No, it was pre jiggle technology man. It was the late nineties. We couldn't get those booties jiggling. We had a whole division set up for that. The most we could do is get them to move up and left, up and right, a bit like a Tetris meh meh meh meh. When we thought it's safe to just have no jiggle, because the human eye will notice

incorrect jiggle, but more than it'll notice no jiggle. You know what, weirdly, the weird thing about Anna Nova is her one job in that situation is to get you to concentrate on what she's doing. It's a very basic task. It's getting money out of an ATM. It's very basic. But she's self-distracting. But she's self-dist's a very basic task. It's getting money out of an ATM. It's very basic. But she's self-distracting. But she's self-distracting because she's got an absolutely enormous booty, which is nowhere

near the ATM. And a lot of the time people come away from the ATM, they haven't taken their money out, they've left it there and they're just walking away feeling insecure about their booty size. Now in co-op on the ATM, they've actually got a button you can press to book a Brazilian butt lift. You can book a Brazilian butt lift. You can book a Brazilian butt lift. And also sales of two large watermelons have gone through the roof. Anyway, effigies.

Yes. Where I grew up, we did it on the 5th of November, there was bonfire night. Remember the 5th of November. I think we need to literally explain to people who don't know. Let's do it. Quick explainer. Rory Stewart, do one of your little explainers. Rory Stewart here. Guy Fawkes is one of the most famous men in English history, was a

Catholic activist, conspirator and soldier who tried to blow up the houses of Parliament on the state opening of Parliament on the 5th of November in 1605 or 6 or something. Five, I think. So it's at five minutes past four, little joke. It was a bit of fun, doesn't it? A lovely bit of fun. Chill out, Karen. Yeah. And was thwarted, led by Robert Catesby, thwarted, hung, drawn and

quartered. And since then on the 5th of November in the British Isles, there's, not the British Isles, in the UK, there's a bonfire night where we burn the effigy of Guy Fawkes. And we say, remember, remember the 5th of November, gunpowder, treason and plot, to remember about the thwarted, how we nearly lost King James VI, and how there are, to this day, issues between Protestants and Catholics. James VI of Scotland, James II of England? Yes. Nice. Or first?

Lovely stuff. Yes. Yes. Yep. All stand for the King! We're entering the Regal Zone. Off with their heads! On with the show! Listen not to the knaves and the shopkeepers! Bring me more advisors! The Regal Zone It's James the First of England. James the First. First and sixth. How was that for an explain explain? It felt quite dry.

It's very good. We don't burn where I grew up outside Portsmouth. There was a village called Titchfield, there is a, on Bonfire, we didn't burn Guy Fawkes, we burnt an effigy of the Earl of Southampton. Oh, wow. You had like more specific beef. Yeah, because he closed, he sort of sealed up some waterways to make the docks of South Hampton more powerful and destroyed the very industry of Titchfield and its environs. So what would happen is penny for the guy. We would make guys, our guys would be guys rather than Earl of South Hampton guys, strangely.

So they'd still look like Guy Fawkes to the degree that those things ever looked like a person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or to the degree that anyone knew what Guy Fawkes looked like, who was making a guy. So you'd say Penny for the Guy, so you'd take money from people thinking that you were celebrating the strength of British counter-terrorism. Yes. Secretly build a different effigy. And then actually would burn the Earl of Southampton. Feels a bit dishonest. I don't know what happened to the guys though. So were there any facial markers or distinctive features that made him look like the other

Southampton, this effigy that you built? I think it was assumed that he had a weak spindly chin beard. And so that was something you'd stick on? Quite fair haired, the sort of beard that's quite difficult to see from a distance. A sort of be that's quite difficult to see from a distance I saw bum fluff beard. Yeah, spindly long slightly too long trying too hard chin beard So that's something you'd staple on or whatever Yeah, well, yeah Well, we I mean I wasn't involved in making the effigy proper for the other Southampton that would be way out my paygrade

That's that's the mayor That's the mayor of Titchfield. That's yeah, that's a senior job. So there's one proper big one, was there, that was made? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. On a proper big bonfire. There'd be a, this would be in the big sort of recreational ground outside the village. There'd be a massive bonfire. There'd be a sort of carnival fair type thing, rides, all that kind of business, floats during the day. Oh wow. And phallic dances?

Phallic dances. The children from the primary school will be dressed as phalli. Yeah. And dance around the villages leaving little candy phalli at the doorsteps of pensioners. So it's 1605. Yeah. 1605. So I mean the political context could hardly be more relevant. Isn't it when you think about the various different implications and the context of the different things that have been happening and are going to happen afterwards. Isn't it? It's one of those times in British history where there's so much going together because you've got, of course you've got the

Netherlands, you've got France, of course. France. I don't forget the Netherlands. You've got what? You've got the Netherlands. Yeah. You've got the Netherlands waiting. It's right there. It's right there though. Yeah. And the Netherlands, of course, and starving is ripe. Time is ripe and it's like dominoes.

That's what's so fascinating about history. it's like dominoes. That's what's so fascinating about history. It's like dominoes. Everything affects what came before. I mean, what came after? Depending on who's playing. Because of course, everything's about context, isn't it? Because you've got geopolitics, you've got Europe. Now, we're talking kings, we're talking big families, we're talking pre-Brexit. We're talking the 17 years war. We're talking pre-Brexit. We're talking the 17 years war. We're talking linen. We're talking fabric. We're talking spice. We're talking spice, aren't we?

It's a time when the Axemans to Carpet was king. Brass. Almost everything is made of brass. They thought that nothing couldn't be done with brass, didn't they? And of course, who will have the hand of young Princess Isabella? Of Tuscany, and or Aquitaine, and or Bulgaria. Just mix and match because these threads run throughout history and that's what's so fascinating, isn't it? And of course, the shadow of the Holy Roman Empire, li Empire, lieth heavy. Indeed.

Well, Charlemagne, of course. Charlemagne, of course. Was contemporary or lived before or after. And his horse, Cabango. His six-legged, four-dicked winged horse, Cabango. Cabango. Kabango. No, but the other thing is to look at in terms of, because it depends how do you look at history, because you can look at it purely in terms of things like different forms of

mining can't you? So what was being mined at the time? Tin. Soil. Alloys. alloys. And of course, I like to say the global approach is what did Japan think about this? Interesting. Did Japan know about it or not in advance or after or later on to hear about it on the rumour mill? Mills. Let's talk about mills. What wasn't being milled at the time? Because

of course you had the great mill sections of the country. The satanic mills. The satanic mills, dark, dark, all of them were quite dark. You've also got your different classes, you've got your peasant folk, but of course you also have the merchants. Well, the growing mercantile classes, nation of shopkeepers. And of course, King Philip of Spain, King Philip of Spain, Medea, the do fan who's going to marry the bloody

do fan because he's really irritating. Um, and of course weaving throughout the whole of this is to a soundtrack of weaving. Yeah, with Kublai Khan on bass. Also everyone involved in this story absolutely covered in postules of different kinds. So many postules. It was almost like if you didn't have postules, people would start worrying about you. People had heraldic postules. People had heraldic postules that had been handed down for generations, didn't they?

If you're lucky you'd have a beauty pustule. Yeah. And everything was solved by a mixture of lancing and eels, wasn't it? You'd get an eel, you'd just get a stick of an eel on it or lance it. Well, sometimes you'd lance an eel. Sometimes you'd lance an eel. And that would help, just to be sure. Yeah.

On special occasions, sure. No, but is it a coincidence within almost 150 years or so, the rumblings of revolution would rumble throughout the wider political context of Europe. Is it a coincidence? But the whole time also, of course, lying in wait, the Ottoman Empire. Yeah. Lying in wait, both to happen and to have happened and to be ongoing. Yes. And the invention of the colander. The invention of the colander. And weaving that in with the founding, of course, of the colander. And weaving that in with the with the founding of course of

the of the GDR. It's an extraordinary security apparatus, the likes of which the world had never seen before. And never will, perhaps, again. Yeah, so I think that's some, yeah, just having that context does help, doesn't it? Because these things don't they just don't happen in a vacuum? Because we do they they don't have any vacuum. No, I think we can agree on that. Mike, is that a picture of them? Pam on that mug? What is a random dog?

Of course, it's not a random dog. It's my first pan much. Is she outside cricket pavilion? Your life? It's my first bit of pan merch. Is she outside Cricket Pavilion? Your life. It's actually outside some council offices that have since been condemned and demolished because they found asbestos. Almost 320 years to the day since Guy Fawkes' plot fell afoul of the authorities. Connections, people. It's all connected.

The one thing that's weird about the Guy Fawkes and the Gunpowder plot is as far as I'm aware, there's no big budget Hollywood movie version of it. That's true. The Beeb makes a sort of television version of it, doesn't it? Once every sort of 30 years or so. Yeah, but I think that is a fair point from Ben. There isn't, because it feels like the kind of thing that Ridley Scott is going to do in the next couple of years. Because he's trying to tick off the big boys, isn't he?

He's done Napoleon, he's done to tick off the big boys, isn't he? Um, he's done Napoleon. He's done another gladiator. It's the kind of role as well where maybe someone like maybe a Russell Crowe, maybe a Plemons says, no, do you know what? I'm going to Tom Cruise this one actually hang, draw and call to me. Cause Tom Cruise is he's quite hard to outdo at the moment, isn't he? Yeah. Yeah.

You'd be so, you'd be so pissed off if you still didn't get the Oscar. You're sitting there at a ceremony, re-stitched back together. You're like, oh Jesus Christ. They put my left arm on, my arms are the wrong way around. You've got to give me the freaking Oscar this time. Tom Cruise has just jumped between two moving trains himself. That's all he's done. Big deal.

We've seen that before. I'm literally quartered. And the Oscar goes again to Timothy Chalamet. Who quartered himself emotionally to this role. In his portrayal of Neil Kinnock in The Neil Kinnock Story. Yeah, no one's going to leap at it unless it has been made in a Catholic country somewhere and it's huge in sort of Paraguayan cinema. I once met someone who was writing a film about it.

This is years ago though. And it was an actor who was writing a film about Guy Fawkes because he'd seen the gap in the market. Is it possible that the British government has an entire secret section dedicated to taking people that are planning a film on Guy Fawkes removing their innards, stuffing them with hay and setting fire to them? Because I haven't seen that guy for years. Just asking the question. Why hasn't it been made? Do you think it's becoming less of a big deal?

I do think it's fading out. I've noticed, because I think what's happened is, but also it's because of Halloween, the rise of Halloween. Halloween has massively taken over now from all that stuff. It's just, I don't think it really happens. You've done it. Is that the idea? But it's the same time of year, isn't it? You've done your chilly kind of awesome going out in the evening with the family mucking about thing and everyone's...

Five days later no one gives a monkey. Yeah. You've done your thing, Mike, of dressing as a Swede for the month, for the month of October. To scare the children. The the pumpkin, the art in the pumpkins has got too good in London. It's just ridiculous in London. Yeah, I agree. And I actually because as an illustrator, I was going around with my nieces on Halloween doing trick or treating. And as an illustrator, I was getting a little bit pissed off by how good all the pumpkin art was. It's incredibly good. And my nieces were talking about how good it was. And I

started getting a bit annoyed as an illustrator because we do have big egos, big, big, big, big egos. We do. We really, really do. Well, you would, wouldn't you? I mean, you're amongst the most celebrated. We're held up and revered by the culture and that has an impact on our mental health. So I started developing a theory which is, which I kept on saying, which is, yeah, you know, that's a really, really good pumpkin, but I think a lot of it's internet stencils. I said internet stencils quite a few times on how they work. I think they're stencils, you can print it off the internet. There'll on Halloween. I think they stenciled it. You can print it off the internet.

There'll be a way they stenciled it. I think it's when people worked out that you could sort of not cut all the way through and you'd get like a light orange bit. Oh, when people discovered about pumpkin shading. Yeah. Is that what you'd call it? Oh, I don't even notice that. That's really advanced.

Yeah, it's too advanced. You don't get pumpkin shading in this deck of the woods. Just three holes made by a fist and a genuine dead squirrel. Eating from the mouth hole. Burning dead squirrel. It says welcome. Welcome children. Come and have some sweeties.

But none of that heathen chocolate. You'll be eating mashed parsnips, parsnip toffee. Parsnip toffee with none of that heathen sugar. No, the parsnip toffee will be studded with dead bees. Time to read your emails. Yes, please. When you send an email, you must give thanks to the postmasters that came before. Good morning, postmaster! Anything for me? Just some old shit. This represents progress Like a robot shooing a horse Give me your horse

My beautiful horse! 3BeeSoundsPod.gmail.com is the email address. We'll start with an email from Isabel. Thank you Isabel. Thank you. Recently my young nephew came to stay and was subjected to me absentmindedly singing the Barbara song. During the nearly five hour drive home he demanded that the original be played to him more times than my sister cares to remember. I was then sent an admonishment for introducing a five-year-old to the phrase, I loathe you.

All the best, Auntie Isabel. Oh yes, loathing is a discovery that you should make much later in life. It is strange showing the words I loathe you come out of the mouth of a five year old. It's intense isn't it? It's an intense hit. It does something. It's sort of genius chess master. I think it's a sign that if your five year old suddenly says I loathe this TV programme, then you might have a genius chestmaster on your hands. I loathe Bluey and his sentimental trash. Oh, more of this Morkish Bluey nonsense. I suppose it's Dury Gur now, is it?

On the same theme, we've had an email from Sarah from Nashville, Tennessee. Lovely. Hello, Sarah. Lovely. Hello Sarah. This is in reference to our Ratmas special. I was trying to explain the concept of Ratmas to my brother, including a mention of Ben's 12 Days of Ratmas song. His kids, eight and six, were so thrilled by the idea of disgusting rat stories, they asked me to video their improv versions of this ditty so here's the audio from that

Christmas went through the window, one big rat, two small, two medium rats, three small rats, a golden rat, a silver rat, I got a diamond rat. Rats explode. Do kids need school if they listen to our podcast? I'm asking the question. She understood the hierarchy of rats. Yeah, I love the idea of a diamond rat. Yeah. Brilliant. Thanks, Sarah. That's lovely.

And it shows, yeah, the music scene in Nashville is strong still. Still cooking. Still cooking. Because you can take it off the hog, but you can't stop it a simmering. That's what they say about Nashville. Can I say that, just quickly talking about rats just reminded me, I mean, I know this, I think this was all over the internet last year or a bit, a bit over the internet was when it just reminded me of something that I found really funny at the time. On Spotify,

you know you get your Spotify unwrapped that tells you what you've been listening to all year. There's this guy who his top one was anti-rat noise. It's just this thing he plays on Spotify. It came up on his Spotify and that was just a picture of a rat. And it's noise that was like, that was his number one track. Very funny. Anyway. I had a message from my friend Essekht who writes, I picked up the kids from Brecon and listened to Ratmas for the whole journey up to Aberystwyth, made a stop at the spa and they sang the 12 days of Ratmas as we

perused the shelves. What a lovely Christmas. Could this catch on? There's children and singing Ratmas. Also, Ben, across the world, here's something I've, it's been like niggling away at the back of my mind, this, I'm going to share with you this thought. Okay, what if we decide to try this year to try to write a Christmas number one? We've got all we say we Henry. When I look at the weary very expressionally. Yeah, exactly. Us. As a royalties trio.

Yeah, in all the significant ways, I'm talking royalties, contracts, financial ownership, merch rights, IP diffusion. Horizontal media penetration. All of that is shared. Yeah, equally. And that's what really matters. But then eventually try and write a Christmas number one and we can make it to do with ratmas maybe. Because think about it, if we start now, a lot of people presumably they try and get their Christmas number ones together, you know, sort of late November early December, we start now. You've got a whole year. You might laugh, do you realise how much money you can make from a Christmas number one? You know, um, Christenburg, yeah. Do you know Christenburg? He's always wearing shoes, isn't he? He's been doing all right.

He's got so many shoes, he's got a special cupboard for shoes and a vacuum cleaner to be fair. He's got a Ford Mondeo. Also, it's a boiler. I mean, the boiler isn't there. He's put his store shoes on top of his boiler. Mariah Carey banked a cool $200 million sterling from All I Want For Christmas Is You because she co-wrote it. Yeah. So, okay, yeah, ha ha ha. Put the work in. We've got all year. You want a jacuzzi in the Hamptons? Is that what you're saying?

I want a Hamptons in my jacuzzi. I want a jacuzzi that's bigger than the Hamptzi in the Hamptons? Is that what you're saying? I want a Hamptons in my jacuzzi. Yeah. I want a jacuzzi that's bigger than the Hamptons. And the Hamptons is just part of it. Yeah. What do you think? So I've got some ideas I can throw around already. Think, okay, a lot of the times Christmas number ones, it's about...

Well, a lot of Christmas number ones have got a children's choir in them. We've got some candidates already. There you go. So that's true. International, no less. That's going to be coming together from across the world. That's good heartwarming. Maybe we can use that bit for the bridge. Yeah.

Okay. What the thing with Christmas number one, did you think of an element of Christmas that hasn't yet been talked about in a song? Bawbles. Bawbles. was number one did you think of an element of Christmas that hasn't yet been talked about in a song? baubles baubles so that's our bit now Ben you do the rest take it away but take it away Ben

and actually the the post sprouts guff has that been done in a song? It could be a comedy song. Festive miasma. Um, anyway, just want to think about, so, you know, after those nice emails, feeling pretty good about the podcast, you know, people sharing it with their kids, their kids singing along, you know, a nice joyful thing. This is an email that will drag us straight down to earth.

Okay. Okay. We probably need this. Because this email comes apropos of nothing. This is just the sort of thing people think is appropriate just to send us. Okay. Interesting. We didn't ask them to send us this. They just thought, I know I'll send that to the guys at Three Bean Salad. But wondering where I can send this. Yeah, exactly. Okay. This is from Stu.

Hello, Stu. In the mid-noughties in Albuquerque, a city nestled in the heart of New Mexico, a vibrant tapestry of cultures, history and breathtaking landscapes, the scent of green chilli, a local culinary staple, hangs heavy in the air, mingling with the aroma of blooming desert flowers. Lovely. Wow. That is until I heard the words that will haunt me forever. Leg it, Dave's Shat in the Kettle. What the hell was going on? Did we get any context?

Well, I mean, why did they send us this? The smell of Dave's feces. The smell of Dave's feces. Rapidly cooking. In a dry kettle. Oh, dry. Dry. No, I'm not dry. It was a pungent, acrid odour that was both revolting and hard to describe. That is going to take more than a standard descaling, isn't it? That's not covered on the warranty, is it? There's simply no chance. You can't take that back to Dixon's.

It had a strong fecal stench that was almost overpowering and was accompanied by a sour metallic smell. Then he's written a poem that I'm just not going to read out. That's so extreme. Is that a Patreon Extra? Do we actually have context for what's going on here? No, he just sent it to us. Wow.

How does that make you feel that we've created something as of... Where people think that is... Where people think that's what we want. I mean, that's sort of not wrong. They're right, aren't they? Yeah. What's become of Dave? Because what's... I mean, he's crossed a Rubicon there, hasn't he?

Dave. This was already something very stressful about a kettle that's on without water is incredibly stressful. It's one of the most stressful. Dry, dry kettle. You know, even without a turd in it, just the crackling sound of and the sense that if you don't turn this off, it will destroy first itself. And then life as we know it. You know, like the sense that it will keep burning because, and once it no longer has

itself... Flames that cannot be extinguished. If it cannot boil water, it will boil first itself and then us. That sense? It must boil. It must boil. It is boil. Emel from Tory.

Hello Tory. Hi Tory. In the 80s a woman called Ruth Mott had a TV show called The Victorian Kitchen where she taught you how to cook like she had done as a kitchen maid in the 1920s. Wow. And I was obsessed as a kid, even though I was a bit scared of her. She was very clear on veg boiling rules. As well as the hot water cold water thing, she instructs the vegetables that grow underground

need to be boiled with the lid on, and if they grow above ground the lid must be off. As if they're more used to being in a dark environment. Yeah, I mean that's hot Victorian bollocks isn't it? I don't think that can make any sense. Yeah, that's some early 20th century science going on there. That's pre-antibiotic science is what we're listening to there. And it's interesting though. I told them what that program would be.

Presumably that's just, it's all boiling and soot, isn't it? That's an aspect. Yes, exactly. Interesting. I might, I might have to check that out though. Yeah, it does sound good. What is aspect? Aspect again? What is that?

Aspik is that kind of like pale brown see-through jelly. Pie jelly. I had a restaurant experience recently where I ordered some sort of... You went for the 10 course Aspik feast. I went to that new cool place in Soho, 100% Aspic. Yeah. Aspects of love. Aspects of love.

It's a two for one. You do a pre-theatre aspect meal and you watch aspects of love and then your entire body's in case an aspect. By Andrew Lloyd Webber. By Droid Webber. And you kick down a sewer. No, I ordered like a sort of rabbit, some sort of like rabbit pate. Wow, we're not in pizza express anymore are we?

We're really not. In a French restaurant, it was one of my Christmas parties that I host. It was a work Christmas party day for something. But this is your job Henry. Why weren't we there? Yeah. It's weird. You got, it feels like you guys should be at the three beans at a Christmas

party, doesn't it? But it's more, it's the people behind the scenes that do most of the work. To be honest. So those guys actually celebrate with the PR team, the graphics squad. It was a French restaurant. So everyone there ordered the French onion soup, which is a great order to make in a French restaurant. Everyone ordered French onion soup and I ordered French onion soup. And then I had that thing of, you know, like just getting your head over ordering, I made a mistake, what should I order? French onion soup is a great option

in a French restaurant. Do we agree on that? I don't think I've ever had it. I don't like the idea of onion soup. Oh, it's lovely. French onion soup. It's insanely delicious. I don't really like soup. I don't think I've had had it. I don't like the idea of onion soup. It's lovely. French is insanely delicious. I don't really like soup. I don't think I've had it for years. It's a dark brown, sweet oniony gloop that has a massive cheesy crouton on top. That's what's great about it. You'd be big into it, I think, Ben, if you gave it a chance. I think I'd eat the crouton and then I'd be done. Especially in the cold weather. It's a great option. Anyway,

but at the last minute I backed out and I went, I'm going to go for the rabbit. It was it? Reacts or something it was called. Is that something? Or is that something else? Oh, roulette. No, no roulette is. Yes. You can see why I'd want this. It's a French dish of seasoned meat that's been slowly cooked in fat and preserved in a jar or crock. Lovely stuff. The meat is shredded and packed into the container, which is then covered with fat.

Yeah, let's not be more specific about the meat. Or indeed the fat. It's similar to pate, but it has a course of texture. But the main thing is that it's cooked in its own fat and it's then sort of in its sense of hat. Well, basically it came and it had a kind of transparent fat fat hat on it. Yeah. Which I think, but I wonder if that was aspect had it had this, but it's going to look like it had this kind of like see through wobbly kind of hat. Yeah. He had to get through to get to the pate.

It was incredibly unappetizing. And I massively regretted not getting the onion soup. It was just kind of cold jelly sort of Fez that was sat on top of the... Was this all born from the fear of just everyone ordering the same thing and it seemed like it was a boring vibe to the waiter or waitress who couldn't give a monkey's either way? I think that's what it was. That's a very good point. I don't like it when everyone orders the same thing and I often am the sacrificial lamb I'm the same.

Who will order something random and pay that pay a heavy, heavy price. Yeah. Thank goodness. I got absolutely five-star top drop cast iron anecdotes out of it. The Tories has also sent us a rhyme. We made up a rhyme last time. If you want to include the lid, the specious lid science. Oh yeah. Yeah. Great. So she says the rule should be, remember you this rhyming dance for perfect veggies at a glance, lid on cold for dark delight, lid off hot who seek the light. Oh wow. Oh, Tory. That's good. Yeah, that's good. Tory's done it. Well done, Tori. We've also had some alternative rhymes from Joe. If it stays above soil, put the water on boil.

If it goes underground, in cold water be drowned. Decent. Yeah. It's a bit confusing though, because you are fundamentally boiling it. You get to the end and by the time you get to the end, you're like, okay. Oh yeah, I get which way around this is supposed to be. Joe's also says, if in earth it is grown, chill to the bone. If in soil it is not, let the water be hot.

Very good, very strong stuff from Joe. Thank you. If it grows to the sky, boil the water on high. Good Lord. If in earth it is dug, the kettle unplugged. Is this all Joe? This is all Joe. Can I say they're good? These are all really, really good and far a bit from me to criticise these. But it would be nice to hear one which starts with something which anyone would ever

say, rather than, if under the sod ye bury the thing, something that you'd actually say would be quite nice? To make it easier? If thine hast shat in a kettle, smell the feces and metal. It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon Patreon Patreon.com. For slash free bean salad. Okay, thanks to everyone who signed up on our Patreon. Yes, thank you very much indeed. There are different tiers to sign up at. If you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge.

You do indeed. Where Mike caused last Sean Bean Lounge. You do indeed. Where Mike caused last night. It was. Oh it was, it was um, it was creating um, miniature historical tableaus out of herbs nights, isn't it? Well thank you Henry. Yes, that's right and here's my report.

It was creating miniature historical tableaus out of herbs last night at the Sean Bean Lounge. Simon Todd, Georgia Baby, Yelka Ludolfi and Evan Smith opened proceedings strongly with a tableau depicting the creation of the Central Bank of Uruguay as an autonomous state entity in 1967 out of Cherville. Kate Finlay, Snake Riley and Mandibleman constructed a young tolamy out of basil, while Anna and Rose used dried sage to recreate his circle 100 CE diagram of a prototype panini, the tableau being completed by Boombatron, John Beohme and Drew Pickles, using bay leaves to construct a crowd of ancient Alexandrians mocking his design, humiliating Ptolemy into terminating his efforts, and setting the invention of the panini back by almost two millennia.

A disproportionate number of Sean Bean lounges chose to render the sinking of the Mary Rose with mixed results. Johnny Bloston's ginger attempt sank in Papa Pottymouth's Toadflak Solent before it could be displayed, while Rebecca Mumby, Greta Warbash and Madison Funicello's Aloe Vera galleon was so sturdy it wouldn't sink at all. And had that been the case, the ship's purser would have survived and gone on to sire a line that would have eventually bought Portsmouth Football Club and changed its name to Glenchern. Cora Hardy's Mary Rose, appropriately made from marjoram and rosemary, was exceptional, and her tableau even included a Welsh onion Henry VIII looking out on the sea battle that Sean Bean himself described as definitive. Kirsten Bywater's Sonnet Lumière Carraway tableau

of the expansion of the Asante Empire under Osei Tutu was lifted by both the Lumière of a decent hand torch and the son of jingle-cover maestros Max and Miles. Emma Collier Baker, Barry Fair, Poppy Robinson and John Potter used Borridge and Dill to create a tableau of the famous meeting at which Thomas Jefferson dissuaded Benjamin Franklin from taking a gap year to work on his keepy-uppies. Beth, the shrew, MacDonald, Martin C. Edwards, Moldadash and Ollie's horseradish birth of Genghis Khan looked unappetizing but was delicious. Jessica Hall, John Buxton, Gordon Brown and Wilf Scott took the unconventional step of using gravel route to make tableaus of all the major news events they've been unaware of in their early 20s. While Alexandra Considine Tong, Bonnie Black, Rachel L and Paul Grafton used chicory to make tableaus of the

historical events they unwittingly and indirectly provoked. Ranging from the crash of the dot-com bubble to the spreading of an unfounded rumor of a betrothal between Charlize Theron and Sean Penn. Greg Sawyer, Patrick O'Halloran, Gavin Burnett and Watts and Joe presented a Hasselback-style triple cheese-filled garlic bread which of course failed to meet the requirements of the evening, although it was well received by Sean Bean's mouth. The boo-boo was blamed on Patrick's sleep deprivation, which was also a major factor in Patrick taking a nap in Greyhendy and Nina Bailey's licorice Lord Nelson, making it look like he hadn't been killed by a sniper's bullet, but by mega-crushing. David Mapman Sherin, Barry of Galway but in

Iowa, and Katie and Meg claimed to have only used lemongrass to depict the establishment of the Livonian Brothers of the Sword in 1024, but were widely condemned when it was shown by Douglas Burgess and Patrick Campbell that they had also used pipe cleaners and PVA glue, which Douglas and Patrick had been hoping to use to make mini Russell Crowe figurines. MVP however went to Rose Westrin, who presented a series of A to Z tableaus of positive historical events, from Apollo 11's moon landing to Zambia's record avocado harvest in 2019, in which every principal figure had their face replaced with a saffron-shawn bean face. Thanks all. OK, that's the show. We'll finish off with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you. And this is from Graham from the New Forest.

Ooh, lovely place. Graham from the New Forest writes, It's hammer time. Hammer horror time, that is. Oh. For a cinematically inspired theme tune a tribute to hammer studios Dracula films to experience the full gothic majesty of my composition picture in your mind's eye an imposing castle silhouetted by flashes of lightning a Frog a fog shrouded graveyard not a frog shrouded great

cloud of bats skittering across the face of the moon and Christopher Lee suffering through his seventh Dracula film so that he can finally pay off his ruddy mortgage. All the best, Graham. Thanks for that, Graham. Thank you. Sounds great. And thank you everyone for listening. Yeah, see you next time. Cheerio.

Bye. Thank you, bye.