Three Bean Salad - Hats

Episode Date: September 14, 2022

Steph of London isn’t shy about getting the beans to tackle hats and tackle hats they do. For the sake of completeness they incorporate oral tomato snooker, pencil sharpeners and Dobermann puppies. Also expect to hear a hot, fresh exclusive about Ben’s upcoming rebranding.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladLivestream tickets for our live show on Saturday 17th Sept: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/online-three-bean-salad/Get in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

So I have, um, I'm fresh. I've come to you today fresh from quite a kind of interesting experience that I've had. This will first. I wondered why there was a tire print across your forehead. Yeah, I know. You're covered in feathers. Well, sit yourselves down as you already are. Okay. Do you think the listeners need need to be

seated for this information or seated? I think it would probably help. It was helpful. I think we generally have a seated listenership, don't we? Do you think? Yeah. I think they're normally either breastfeeding or asleep, aren't they? Sleeping is a form of sitting.

It's just extreme sitting, isn't it? Sitting, taking to its logical conclusion. I've always imagined the mandolin on the go. Oh, do you reckon? Yeah, but breastfeeding? Oh, breastfeeding, obviously, just at high speed. They're just busy people, just hurrying around breastfeeding, but they're very much on their way somewhere.

If it feels like you've got two very different conceptions of what the audience are like. Why do you imagine, Ben? Um, they're wearing helmets like Daff Punk. Yeah. Yeah. And they all congregated in one area. Yeah, they're like dancing in a town square.

Is that helmet which covers the face? It's sort of metal and shiny over the front face, is it? Yeah, if you haven't pulled back the visor, underneath would just be loads of tubes and like, right, or just a black, black space. Yeah, okay. So it's almost as if their identity is dance. Yeah, yeah, that's the kind of people. Yeah, yeah.

Well, maybe they'll write in and let us know which one of us is right. Yes. I think what you're talking about there, Ben, is extreme German clubbers, which obviously is a big part of our base audience, isn't it? Well, in Bremen, the club's never closed, do they? Or open, because they don't have to, because they're never closed. That's why they're able to say they're never closed.

Exactly. So they didn't have an open and closed sign, do they? On the front, like most clubs. They don't have a bell. You never get that experience of them playing the last song of the night, the lights coming up, never happens. So you never get that lovely moment. The old Smotry song.

Yeah, never get that. It's just dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, techno, techno, techno. Live it, be it, feel it, live it, be it, breathe it. And that sort of... So that crew like us, didn't they? Oh, yeah. We're very big amongst German clubbers. In fact, there's a famous club in Berlin.

Burgain? The Burgain, that's right. Which, I think, takes place at the top of a kind of industrial unit. It's an old power station, is it? I think you get into, you get into a kind of industrial sort of service shaft lift. Any really good night out, any proper club is accessed via a sort of rat infested alley and then into the bowels of a disused factory. That's guarded by a single eight foot man.

That's right. He doesn't say a word. Yeah, an incredibly pale skinned bald man with no eyebrows. As the major D. As the major D. And he's never beaten anyone up because he's never had to because he just kills you instead. He just very, very, very sort of gently kills you if you're wearing the wrong shoes. But apparently they had a famously incredibly hard to predict door policy

in the 90s, whenever it's heyday was maybe it was the 90s. And there's someone wrote a book about the Burgheim door policy because it was so random. No kickers shoes. No kickers shoes, which means you'd be fucked. People would have been stuffed. But also just like random things like you think you'd be the coolest person ever. Like you'd have wraparound shades, spiky hair. Yeah, cool tic, cool tic.

Bum bag, paisley tank top, tic. A big, I'm basically just, I'm describing my horrific 90s look that I had. Which I had at university. Cargo shorts. Cargo shorts with loads and loads of pockets on them. One of which contains spare cargo shorts. Which also had pockets in them with other cargo shorts. You literally didn't know where it ended.

And eventually the rumor was that you went through enough cargo pockets, enough of the cargo shorts that you emerged in a shop in LA. Selling cargo shorts. And you could pick yourself up another pair. But you would have to fly back. I forgot what I was talking about. But anyway, so yeah, but you think you're the coolest guy ever. So yeah, I'm just describing my 90s look.

There was a huge leather jacket, a huge leather sort of wig. A huge leather wig covered in metal studs. Motorcycle. Yes, I'd be wearing a motorcycle. Which, yeah. That was just tied to the back of a training bra. That's right. I lugged that around.

It was fucking ages to get around. Unfortunately, the motorcycle didn't work. Obviously, people would always say, just get on the motorcycle because it didn't work. As far as I knew. I couldn't reach round to it because the metal balls on my wig were too heavy for me to actually reach around and get on the motorcycle. I never knew for sure if it worked.

But that's what you make a sacrifice. You make a choice to compromise between comfort and looking good. And that was... Yeah, beauty is pain, right? Beauty is pain. Credo back in the day. Exactly. And since then, that has like fricked us for all of us.

It gradually moves the other way, doesn't it? You gradually move closer and more towards comfort. And ultimately hiking clothes. Yeah, you move closer and closer to just a hiking gear and obviously right-wing politics. So you end up... Basically, the final state of the human being is owning a fully waterproof and windproof copy of Mine Camp.

But you'd think you'd be the coolest guy ever, apparently, in the queue to the Burgheim. You'd be, I don't know, some sort of German cool person with tattoos and tight trousers. I don't know, I don't know what the hell that is. And then you'd be like, of course I'll get in. I'm so cool, I have lots of metal in me and tattoos and it's only 1997.

And the bouncer would be like, sorry, I don't sing so today. But you, you, portly American balding man wearing chinos and those boat shoes with the leather laces that go all around the shoe. That's it. That's it. And the hard rock t-shirt. That's what I'm feeling today.

Come in. And you'd be like, no. It was totally unpredictable. That's true. Cool. So what was your point as regards our audience? They are wish. They are the American chino wearing public.

Are they the gatekeepers or they're trying? They'll put all of those three people in a sort of blender. Okay. They are everyone. Mash them up. Then reform a human shape out of that. Okay. Okay.

So you've got, that's our listeners. No. So, okay. So I've come from this interesting experience, right? Yes. And I'm not going to tell you what happened. I think I'm going to ask you to guess by posing you a series of riddles.

Oh, yes, please. Yeah. Yeah. Finally. So what am I? I am asleep yet traveling at over 120 miles per hour, probably, or possibly. Okay.

I am encased. Do you want us to guess at every stage or just? Well, I'm not going to tell if the pauses are for effect or if the guessing space is. You know what? I'm going to level with you. This is my first time riddling. I'm feeling it out in terms of the rhythms.

Okay. I think one, I mean, the very sphinx itself would have faced this problem, which is... How to workshop. How to workshop this stuff. How do you work this out? Are you in the middle of a desert? In the middle of a desert.

And you are a composite of an eagle, a lion, a griffin, probably. I don't know. In a half a day spent trying to find your nose. Where are you going to find people to work with? How are you going to find the time? At the other half of the day, do you want to work out... Well, what do you eat?

Do you eat the food that suits your mouth or the food that suits your anus? Because your first line of digestion, your last line of digestion, actually from different species. They just attract talk. What am I? I think what might help, Henry,

sorry to give an uncalled for advice. No, it's fine. Your voice isn't sounding very mystical. Ah, okay. Yep. This is a note I sometimes get in voice over, so I'm used to... I'm used to fielding this kind of thing.

Yeah. So what I'll normally say at this point is, we're just fucking lump it then, yeah? Because this is my voice, this is what I do. And okay, so what I don't want to do that, I'll try and sound mystical, but what I don't want to do is have you guys guess it too early.

Okay, yeah. So maybe I should just give you a series of clues. Because you know about show business, and the first rule is string it out, isn't it? Exactly. And always be at least one or two steps behind your audience, because then you can see what they're up to.

Okay. What? Exactly. Yeah? So, yeah. Is that the end? Okay. That was a question, it was a genuine question.

Yeah, I reckon. I mean, I'm going to say you haven't nailed the rhythm of... No, I really haven't, have I? Sorry, sorry. So was that the end? Yeah, I think that's the end, yeah. Or was it? Or was it?

Yeah, I think that's enough for you to go with. What do you think? Okay, so you're going 120 miles an hour, but you're asleep. You're within a... In case of a tweed cube. A tweed cube. A twix and between.

A giant metal baton, is he? And sorry, in this riddle, is this person you? Were you encased in a tweed cube this morning? Yeah, yeah, so it's me. One of us trained. Yeah, it was all me. Mike's got... Mike's bloody got it, a bit too fast for it to be satisfying.

How did you become encased in a tweed cube? Well, I'm wondering, Mike, you know when you take your cat to the vet and you put it in a sort of... You can put it in a soft box that you can take them around in. That could be a tweed cube. Am I getting... Is there anything in that? A little cat carrier.

Cat carrier? I like the way you're thinking. Sounds like a mongrel. That you think you're just suggesting that I've been taken to the vet. Well, I think you've put Bluebell in a cat carrying case and then fired her at 120 miles an hour somehow. In the direction of your vet who can shit-standing up. He did just say that it was him, though.

Oh, is he? Yeah, it was me. And Bluebell is a sort of second self for me, but not... So you were on a train. Correct. Okay, you made it all the way to the Pennines. Well, at some point the Pennines were involved, probably, as I understand it. You were asleep on the train and you traveled all the way to John O'Groats

and back down to Land's End without waking up. Almost. Did this happen this morning? Well, it ended this morning. Sleeper train. Correct. It's funny how I don't... Normally, I feel something when I get something right or win something,

but I felt nothing then. I know what you mean. And also, you know the way I just said down to the down, down, down, down? Yeah. I was slightly faking it. I wasn't really feeling it. Yeah. I don't think either of us really got what we needed out of that, did we?

Mike, how are you feeling? Similarly, a little disheartened, I would say. Yeah, yeah. You know what? I should have just said what happened rather than trying to construct it as a riddle. I think the 120-mile-an-hour thing, I think probably Ben and I and probably everyone listening, we're all feeling the train vibe, I would say, from the get-go. That was a mistake.

I shouldn't have put that in, that detail. And you had a shit-standing up? Well, I didn't, but I could have done. That was an option. And the drawer of sanitary pants? Well, actually, you know, looking back, I think it was a sanitary pad disposal unit. What? Okay.

Yeah, you shouldn't have taken anything out of that. In fact, they quite carefully designed them, so it's hard to physically remove something. Yeah. Well, that's why I thought this is, I might complain about this. It's supposed to be a luxury experience. This is my forearm. So, yeah, I've just taken the sleeper train. It's my first time I've ever taken it.

Oh, really? Where from? From Edinburgh? From Edinburgh. Yeah, nice. I haven't done that for years and years. So, you arrived this morning? I arrived this morning at 7.30 a.m.

And are you as fresh as they pretend that you're supposed to be at the end of the sleeper train experience? I've got to say, I'm quite fresh. I'm not feeling fresh. You're not feeling fresh? No. No, I mean, to be honest, I didn't have a great night's sleep, but that's partly because I was so buzzing with excitement. Well, yeah, I had the same thing.

Last time, I was too bloody excited. It's so cool. It's by half. Yeah. And how many murders took place on the carriage? I think the whole lot of them got done. Got done. Because when I woke up in Houston, there was no one else around.

So, I think I actually, because I think I slept through the bed. I took me ages to get to sleep in a venture. I did fall asleep. I think I slept through the bed. You might have been mistaken for one of the victims, actually. They might have investigated your work during the course of the journey. I am a heavy sleeper. Have you been dusted for Prince?

I do feel like I may have been dusted. Yeah. And I feel like there's a bit of chalk. I think I may have been chalk circles as well. Chalk silhouetted. It was a really quite cool experience. Well, it wasn't what I was expecting, because I was expecting it to have very Poirot vibes.

Yeah. Lots of velvet curtains and a dining car. I was expecting, there is a dining car, but what was it aesthetically? I was very much expecting, as you say, Ben, velvet curtains, velour lampshades, a lot of teak, a lot of brass. KGB agent on the other side of the window. Exactly. Representatives of all the major international espionage organisations

behind a series of increasingly absurd fake beards. And I was expecting someone to be smoking from a hooker. Or a Calabash pipe. A Calabash pipe. Cocktails and a game of backer app. Exactly. I was expecting a lot of bellboy type, just people in little tight little uniforms with shiny buttons on,

running around polishing all that brass. The kind of brass which it stays shiny for about two seconds. So it has to be constantly repolished. There's people constantly polishing it, repolishing it. And also the captain, the train captain. The train captain's cockpit at the front of the train. I was expecting that to have a glass door with someone just repainting his name on the front of it.

Because the last one's been fired because he murdered everyone or whatever. And I was expecting like a busy kitchen, young lads with boxes of oranges coming sort of on and off. Yeah, as it was starting on the platforms, I was expecting it to be loaded. You know, so I was expecting there to be a lot of wooden ramps. People carrying pianos, alarma, some strange stuff just getting loaded on. A battalion of conscripts.

People waving you off with like white tankies as the train. White hankies being waved to the battalion of conscripts. Lots of crying ladies, you know, hoping that they'll see their bows again. Bow's headphones. Their noise cancelling seems quite good for a sleeper. For a war zone. So yeah, so I was expecting all that right on the sleeper train. But what's clearly happened is, and this has happened so many times,

you see this so often in this country, this bloody country, which is in the 70s, some tosser went, you know what, this is, there's felt. I'm seeing felt. I'm seeing brass. I'm seeing lovely aged patina leather. I'm seeing spies with big fake moustaches. Let's get rid of all of these and just make everything really beige. And basically they beigeed it in the 70s.

Clearly they've just gone, we need to flip this. No one wants us anymore. No one is seeing any of the crisp and coffee spillage stains. On this upholstery. Exactly. It's all completely invisible. It's not popping on this leather. It's not popping.

And the nicotine stains, I literally cannot see a single nicotine stain on this lovely plush, velvet, burgundy wallpaper. You know what I mean? So they've turned it into a sort of, yeah, nicotine stained MI5 corridor sort of vibe to it. So you don't, you don't feel so much like you're, you're traveling is that you're being transported. Exactly. Yeah. In fact, you almost feel, well, I tell you, what's weird about it?

In a way, basically I started to tune into the aesthetic. And I did, I did start to get a certain kind of pleasure out of it. Because what it was, it was like, it was 70s futuristic was what they'd gone for. So it sort of feels like, like you're in Dr. Hills. Like it's got, it's got this kind of podgeal. Slut your face into the information nozzle. One day telephones will be no bigger than a toaster. Will, will.

You'll be able to wheel your telephone around as simply as you wheel your toaster around. Sorry, sir. It says on your ticket here that you are 26. I'm going to have to dissolve your genitals. You now have to work carrying the train. Sorry. But that's progress. By the way, Captain Stevens has just announced that the train has now gone into sexy mode.

Futuristic sexy cannibal train. Don't panic. The thing descending above your head is simply a sexy disco ball. Now groove. Did have that kind of vibe where everyone's uniforms now in the future expose nipples, male, female, everyone's nipples. That's as smart as you get. That's as smart as you get.

You could have dressed up. I can't see either of your nipples. Henrik seven. Have some respect. I can't see a single pub. Don't you know that this is the day that you get married to all female kind? Report to the Pupetron 4000 for your robo grooming. And by the way, and also, by the way, we just happened to be entering Carlisle.

So you probably do want to get off if you go into Carlisle. Or should I say future Carlisle? New Carlisle. The home of vitamin meat paste. Don't go in the wrong door in that factory. Or you'll be the vitamin meat paste. And that's privatisation for you, isn't it? Live it, be it, feel it, live it.

Live it, be it, feel it, live it. Be it, breathe it, breathe it, breathe it. I'm so cool. I've had lots of metal in me and tattoos in it's own in 1997. So this week's topic, as sent in by Steph from London. OK, thank you, Steph. Thank you, Steph. Thanks, Steph.

And all of the people living in London. Sure. And all the Stephs. All the Stephs. And people not called Steph. Yeah. Is hats. Hats.

OK, I don't suit hats. Is that true? I did, over the summer, start wearing like a straw trilby. Well, you're talking about the, it's not straw trilby, what's it called? It's a Panama hat, essentially, right? It wasn't really a Panama. I grew a great fond of that hat, but no hat has ever suited me. I think my head is the wrong shape.

I'm just trying to think if I've ever seen you in a hat. I don't think, by the way, it doesn't work. I've got quite a kind of, my head is basically the shape of a pencil sharpener, which I know, because I have fully shaven it in the past. It's quite, it's very angular. I think it's probably arguably a bit too small as well for my tattoo.

Henry, I think of as being as, out of the three of us, the most accomplished hat wearer, for sure. Yeah, I'm quite, I'm quite good, I'm quite good. Certainly, Henry, I've seen in a number of hats over the years, and he's always, he's always carried it off. I think you can even carry off a kind of, sort of Bavarian or Swiss kind of alpine. A little feather in it, with a little feather in it.

Oh, I would like to do that. I think, it's weird about my face shape, because I think I pull off, I pull off wearing a hat, but what I don't pull off so well is not wearing a hat. I tell you what, I've been flirting with recently, because basically, we've talked about it before, I did wear a sort of Trilby for a bit, but then I stopped wearing that.

And recently, I've been experimenting with baseball caps, but I did think it's me. See, that for me, that's my, I mean, that's my absolute no-no, is baseball caps. Can't, I mean, I... I think Mike in a baseball cap, for me, looks like American soccer coach, sort of Ted Lasso. No, I wish, no, I can't.

No, don't have the, don't have the temple bones. You're not taking into account the pencil, the pencil, not pencil case shape, that the... The pencil head. Mike has pencil sharpener head. I've got, I'd say I've got pencil case head, which is because my head's long from the back to front. And then he's got pencil rubber head.

He's got pencil rubber, slightly worn away. We're the one that's like, it's now, it's now, it's worn away, and it's now, it's got this kind of dirty shine to it, which now means it's like an anti-rub. If you rub anything with it, it becomes permanently stained on the paper. Just scratches directly through the page.

So Mike, I just want to get to the bottom of your, of your head shape again. Think of, think of Crichton from Red Dwarf, after a sort of five-year illness. So a kind of, well, a sort of viral... A kind of wasting disease. But do you see yourself as a head, as a pencil sharpener,

with the thin end at the bottom or at the top? So are you, is it an A? It's more, it's an oblique angle. Well, I'm trying to look at you. So one of the corners is balanced on the top of my neck. I'm very prepared. And is it a novelty pencil sharpener from a local museum? Yeah. No, it's a pencil sharpener in the shape of a rabbit.

It's a novelty. That's the thing Mike often doesn't point out. It's a novelty rabbit shape pencil sharpener. That's right, yeah. And it's, yeah, it's the left ear is, yeah. It's down. Folded. And you, and that's what's buried into my neck.

And that's what's podcasted. And the pencil goes up the arse. So it's, it's, it's a thought experiment pencil, rabbit pencil sharpener, never be made. Yeah. And the arse is, is my mouth in this case. Yeah. Yeah.

So it's not, it's not a gift. I do have quite a small mouth, which is, you know, which is about, again, about the size of a rabbit's arse. Or just, I just look like I have a normal size mouth because of the compensation of the arse. Well, it's about the size of a, of an average cherry tomato, isn't it your mouth? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. But, but from a, from a distance of 50 yards or so. My real voice is actually about nine octaves higher than this. This is all being filtered through. Through the moustache.

Some very expensive gear I've installed in the moustache. This is making it a normal pit. You've got essentially an analogue version of deep fake technology happening in the very fabric of your face, haven't you? So it is an illusion. And so watching you do real things with your face can be very joint. For example, watching you actually eat a cherry tomato. Oh.

Very weird. Well, I have to get, I have to get that miniaturized. Yeah. Because I remember once I was using your laptop and I saw something in the Google search history that's very unusual to see, which was, how do you make tomatoes smaller? I had a similar experience, Henry, where I saw his history and it said, will I ever eat a beef tomato?

Please just tell it to me straight. I've got to change my password. For you to eat a cherry tomato, it would be like that the hardest snooker shot ever, wouldn't it, to get it in? Oh yeah. And yeah, of course, if you do get the angles right, then you can. Well, that's why you had to, you had to, you hired Steve Davis for a while, didn't you?

Yeah. And we, he worked out where my mouth pocket was. Which was a big step, but even he couldn't get it in. But he could get the tomato so close that he got the angle. It was just tea trick. He thought, oh, it's going to, it's going to fall in. It's going to fall in. The pocket's going to sort of suck it through.

But no, it just chocked against the lips again, just chocked off and just chocked onto the floor like everything else. Yeah. No, it's fault. Not his fault. So, no, what I'm trying to, I think what the way I picture your head, Mike, is like a capital A. Oh, okay.

So going in that way, is that right? Or do you see it as they're going that way? Again, I think I'd probably see it with the, take the one at the bottom, the feet of the A, and then sort of tip it on the side slightly. Yeah. So it's like a sort of capsizing teepee. Yeah. Or someone who's doing the YMCA dance and, you know,

a lout has pushed them over for a lax and they're halfway, halfway. Which latch of the, doing the A in YMCA? Yeah. The A. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Come on. They've been dominoes. It's going to be horrible, Ben. It's the A.

At least give him some. It's not the bloody Y, is it? Come on. The two-fronted forked head. Bit of an M head. It's got a bit of an M head. So what we're looking for then for Mike is, because I'm picturing Mike in a pot by hat, you do look like a tosser.

I don't want to be rude, but you do. I'm picturing it. No. I think that you look like an absolute tosser. You made yourself clear. Total dick head. He does, doesn't he? Fucking hell.

What do you mean he does? I'm not wearing one there. No, but picturing it. Picturing it. And picturing it, you do it like a dick head. In fact, you do? Fucking absolute twat. I can't believe you thought you could pull that off.

I mean, I can't believe what I thought you could pull it off. We can't. Here's a problem I had with my clothing sense, right, my fashion sense, which is about, I think it was about 10 years ago, maybe. My look was trilby and sort of like brogues and sort of like slightly tweedy jackets and sort of like gentlemen. Classic menswear.

Classic tosser. Yeah, classic men's wear. That was the look. But basically it comes to point where basically I've basically reached an age now, where if I wear that stuff, I simply look like a conger. Old bastard. I just look like it just ages me up.

There's no hint of irony. There's no irony anymore. It's like he's not a young strapping lad about town who's just having a bit of fun in a waistcoat. Exactly. He's genuinely an old conger clonking around. He's just part of the problem. He's part of the problem.

Establishment arse who really needs to be just put in a thrashing machine. Exactly. Made of mints. He's clonking around with his four brands of chlamydia. And his dog piss soak trousers. I've got a situation at the moment where, so I've not bought any clothes since 2019, I think.

And across lockdown, I changed shape a bit. So none of my clothes actually fit now. Everything I wear slightly doesn't. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Carry on. Nothing I own really fits. I don't have any trousers that fit at all. So I'm just wearing shorts.

Bloody hell. And I've had to come up. So we've got a live show next week. I'm thinking I might have to go and literally buy an outfit because everything just looks very bad at the moment. Really? Just get yourself a onesie, mate. I could do.

Well, what I'm facing, Henry, and I'm addressing this to Henry because I feel like Henry has the answer. Mike really will have no answer here. Because all of my clothes are either really tatty or don't fit, I'm facing a full look reset, potentially. Are you rebranding? Well, I could go anywhere from here because I'm starting from zero. Ben, Ben, see this, how I'm seeing it, which is as an opportunity.

New Ben. Oh, you are my canvas. I can't wait to get stuck in. Are you guys going to go on a shopping spree together? Let's do it. Are you going to go to Bista? I think we should travel to the continent where they've still got CNAs. Let's go to Belgium.

Let's do it. I don't feel like Mike can be involved in this. I don't think I want to be. I mean, I'll enjoy it. I've got a montage in my mind and in the back of the montage, I'm just quite bored on one of the sofas. Yeah. Yeah.

Michael, it always looks very smart, but it always feels like he's never really only through conversations with him. It doesn't feel like he ever thinks about his clothes at all. And that, and that is a very studied thing to... Oh, that's no coincidence. That takes the most thought. The team that I've got. The team of absolute geniuses.

Working around the clock. Yeah, how I see. He has got across the world. New York, Milan. Oslo. And Orlando, the capital of Canada. Orlando. Home of Disney moose.

Now, he's got Yves Saleron, John Chanel, Coco, Coco La Mer. Coco Chanel's secret great niece. Kwakalaka. Kwakalakadugu. Kwakalakadugu. Jimmy Chu. Oh, yeah. Dorothy Perkins.

Dorothy Perkins. And John Lewis. And Mark Spencer. He's got a lot. So, this is essentially, this is Mike's stagewear that we see. And apparently, fairly mundane t-shirt. Just thrown together. Just thrown on.

Some trousers. He got three when he filmed an advert. Some trousers that looked like he got them three when he filmed an advert. And that, again, that's where, carefully chosen, poorly fitting. They look like they're just quite cheap jeans. Very hard to actually do that on purpose. Almost impossible. Unless you've got a team of the top, top fashion people in the world.

And some shoes that look like futuristic minstrel. What are they? What are they? Your shoes, they look like a leather pasty, don't they? They look a bit like... Yes, that is fair. They look a bit like leather pasty. So, that look, that's Mike's stage look.

But as soon as he comes off stage, and soon as he stops recording the podcast, goes home, it's a huge white feather boa, isn't it? That's your first thing. I mean, yeah. And that's for the waist down. Waist down. Leather cowboy boots. Snake skin jacket.

Colossal pair of really garish sunglasses. Marigold gloves. Marigold gloves. 18 wristwatches. 18 wristwatches. All the time zones. From left to right. So, Britain, up around the shoulder, isn't it?

All the way down to... Jersey. Yeah, Jersey. All the way down to Jersey. At the end, and everything in between. So, you can check the time. If I was to ask you what time is it in America, all you have to do is...

Look at any of 18 watches. Yeah. Ask you which time zone you mean in America. Then Google what the difference is in the moment. And then subtract or add, depending. Unless you get muddled. And then we'll probably just check it on my phone. Yeah.

That's it. So, you don't even need to use the watches at all. That's what's brilliant about them. They're literally, they're just the back, aren't they? Yeah, and the look is completed, isn't it, by two Doberman puppies, one in each hand. Isn't it? It's so deliciously luxurious.

Yes, so I'm looking at full look reset. So, the world's my oyster, really. So, how did you define your previous looks? Was it good to understand that? Well, very similar to Mike. It was just kind of some clothes that have found their way into my possession, really. Found clothes.

You're a free wearian. Yes. Series of handouts and things built from bins. Can I just float Austrian prints? Well, that means we also need to get you a Spanish horse. That's what I was about on. Yes. Okay.

If any listeners have got some leads on that, that would be... So, we're talking military. Do you want military? There's got to be some military again. There's got to be some sort of golden rope somewhere. Austria's Fajer. A few medals. Do you want it to be ceremonial military or battle ready?

Peely ceremonial, I think. So, ceremonial, okay. So, not battle ready or fresh from the battlefield. Yeah, this is sort of coronation day type gig. I'm thinking more like kind of silk sailor suit type thing. Oh, really, from the famous Austrian navy. So, this is more like the dauphin. Oh, yeah, big time dauphin vibes.

Yeah. Which way do you want your admirals to go? Do you want it pointing out sideways or front and back? Tricorn, please. Tricorn, lovely choice. Okay, here's the look I want to go for, which is... You are the second son of an Austrian monarch. You will never be king.

Yes. Overlooked. Overlooked. But because of that, you have a kind of wet-lipped giggling sort of vibe. Oh, look, as he plays with those multi-pan flowers and fruits. Yeah, yeah. So, late-stage neurocephalus. Plus inbreeding kind of...

A lot of inbreeding in there. Yeah, yeah. And a spidery body. Spidery body. We'll never see battle, but you just... But you order the death of anyone that displeases you in the household. You're very... So, utterly cruel. Utterly cruel.

Yeah. Kill them. Kill. So, he's going to need a little sword by his side. He's going to need some sort of weapon. Yeah. He's ordered his last six piano teachers to kill themselves. By piano.

By piano. They just have to lie under the grand piano, slowly saw through the leg themselves. Takes hours. Yeah. And then they go, ka plump, and I know I need a new teacher. Who failed grade three now? Yes.

I don't know if I might not have had very many grades, but you've been graded by all the wires within the piano mechanism. Yeah. And actually, I can just picture the face on the fucking poor, like, Portuguese princess has been lined up to marry you. She's absolutely livid. And she's 97 years old. They've been trying to marry her off for absolutely bloody years.

It's a purely... It's just a complicated bureaucratic. It's to do with a small portion of territory in northeast Portugal. It's an entirely bureaucratic political. There's basically a small bistro in Porto that they've been arguing about for a bit. They're arguing about the bill. There's a bill that wasn't paid on a family holiday three years ago. And now he must marry the Countessor.

They're using her as... The Countessor is essentially collateral against... For a stingy tip. It's also because someone ordered the banana. It was called the... The prawn banoffee. Someone ordered the prawn banoffee, which no one actually ate, but it cost a lot

and it got split equally on everyone's bills. But nobody wanted to own up to ordering it. And no one wanted to go to war over it. It's not worth a war. That's the thing. And you'd be like... You'd meet the Countessor and you'd be like, Hello, and by the way, when you're married to me, you're married... You're not just married to me.

You're married to me and my imaginary friend Olaf. Who is in fact real. And then you look over and there's an old man dressed as a pink donkey. Who I'm forcing to pretend to be Olaf. Because you want your imaginary friends to be so realistic that your parents, your long-suffering parents, have to hire actual people to be your imaginary friends. And that you will always order them to kill themselves

using a piano within a fortnight. So there's quite a rotation. Get soaring. Saw those legs. So to depict that, I think you're going to need absolutely phenomenally large and very ornate codpiece. Send a stage. Bajeweled.

Bajeweled codpiece. Bajeweled. Certainly Bajeweled. Bajeweled. Weaponized. Couple of secret compartments containing vials of poison, for example, cheese sandwich in case you get hungry. You're inhaler.

Yeah. Letters to Olaf instructing him to kill himself with a piano. In the event of your death. In fact, your plan for the wedding is that as you're brought into the wedding chamber, your codpiece will take so long to enter the room. On dog back. On dog back.

Because you'd be here. Yeah. This prince isn't big enough to ride horseback. Yeah, dog back. But your codpiece will take so long to enter the room, they'll have to be an interval. So you'll take about half an hour for half of your codpiece to get in the room.

And then they'll literally have to be an interval and a break. And then the rest of your codpiece comes in. Yeah. And if any trumpeter takes a single breath during that time. Piano. Under the piano. Under the piano. Yeah, there they go.

Get sore. Under the piano, there they go. All they can crawl into their own trumpet if they're like, wide end first, try and get out the small end. That's the way they have to do themselves in. Which of course, was how sausages were invented. Was someone chased a pig into a trumpet? It was a farmyard jazz band, gone wrong.

And that's when they say, don't ask how the sausage is made because, the full sentence is because you'll end up finding out about a pig that was chased into a trumpet. And you won't like it. People don't. That was just trying to get away from some jazz. Yeah.

Yeah. And he thought, go talk. And he thought maybe go towards the jazz. Maybe that's the secret. Maybe run through the jazz. The shoes, what kind of shoes? I mean, what are we dealing with? I'm wondering.

For Ben's, it's a complete Ben's look. Yeah. I'm picturing a buckle. I mean, it could be a military boot of some sort. Or a very fine sort of buckled moccasin. I'm thinking of a buckled slipper. That's what I'm thinking. So it's got a bit of military pomp about it,

but also it's ultra comfortable. It's a child-size two as well. Yeah. Yeah. From his minute little bound hooves. Yeah. And do you think I'll be able to get most of this from your average Marks and Spencers? C&A.

I think so. I think it was my first time at C&A. Yeah. Yeah. That's why it's still. C&A brooch. That's why they still got it on the continent because it's all, it's mainly sort of historic continental military reggae stuff.

Military children. Yeah. Military children stuff that they sell. And hat-wise, just to bring it round to the... We started on tricorn. Oh, of course. It felt like a good instinct initially. If it was just tricorn, it could be a stack of tricorns,

sort of increasingly smaller and smaller tricorns. And can it be that in each corner of the tricorn, so one's got salsa, one's got guacamole, and one's got sour cream? That's very good. Yeah, that's nice. Like a sort of dip selection. And the very top little tricorn is made out of kind of sort of taco biscuit. Yeah.

Great. Well, only a few days before the live shows. So we're probably biscuit cracking. Yeah. We should mention as well, you can buy tickets still to live stream the live show. It's on the 18th... Yeah, yeah. 17th.

17th. Absolutely, yeah. If you want to see the new outfit, get streaming. When you send an email, you must give thanks to the postmasters that came before. Good morning, postmaster. Anything for me? Just some old shit. When you send an email, this represents progress.

Like a robot shoeing a horse. Give me your horse. My beautiful horse. Thank you to everyone who sent us an email. Thank you. We'd love to read your emails. Now, let's read some out. Um, quite a lot of bollockings.

Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, I think last week was a real... Yeah, it was a bollocking free for all, I think. I thought this might happen. High octane bollock fuel, I think. I'd describe last week's episode as... Fuel injection.

Straight to the bollocks. Bollocking loaded. Now, we've had a lot on this one topic, but I think there's a potential for a reflector bollock on this one. Okay. I'm writing with the question from Mr. Henry Packer. Who's this from? This is from Becky from Bremen.

Can I just make a little prediction for what this is going to be about? Okay, interesting. Yeah. I'm just going to say, no matter what this bollocking is, please don't expect me to just fold under the pressure. Oh, of course. Oh. Well, I was actually going to read one about something else,

but we have had ones about that as well. So, all I've done is increase my potential bollocking by drawing your attention to some other bollocking. Drawing fire. Okay. Let's hear Becky's. Yes. Yeah, okay.

During the introduction and the disappointing brackets for both Ben and myself, foreign holiday breakfast ham buffet update section, in which Henry's describing the length of a sausage and how a big dog might help in providing scale, he states, humans are the only animals that stand on two feet. And then she gives a time code, 21 minutes, 51 seconds. This is a precision bollock. It's like, I can't wriggle out of this one.

It's a smart bollock. Zero collateral damage bollock. I mean, people, the technology is now there, isn't it, to bollock someone from space. You can bollock them off a balcony. Yeah. From 4000 miles away. And no one around them will be bollocked.

They literally, you can bollock that precisely now. Me and Mike aren't getting any splashback bollocks. No splashback whatsoever. They'll literally just be a sort of shadow and the shape of a bollock where I was once sitting. Burnt into the brick behind me. She then writes, I'd be incredibly interested to hear what kind of birds Mr. Packer has seen.

I've certainly never seen a bird with feet. Consider that reflector bollocks next bollocking. Thank you. I could do this all day. I've seen a collection of talons on the end of a kind of hideous, like little sort of fleshy stick. But I've not seen a foot on one of them. You've not seen a brogue, have you?

I've not seen a brogue, not seen a pair of flocks. I was wondering whether there's a central reflector bollock in that is a bird an animal? Yes. You've even mentioned this before, Ben. This is your thing that you, I think you think they're from the spirit realm or something like that. Surely they are messengers from the realm of dreams.

Orgas of destiny. Otherwise, how could they be airborne? It's impossible. So, Ben, when you are, as I know you do at least once a week, putting peanuts into your little bird feeder, I know how you do it. Three for me, one for the birds. So, it takes ages.

Three for me, one for the birds. And obviously, these aren't commercially... They're fully in their shells. Yeah, these are shells. These are bird nuts. These are not available in shops. These are bought online, they're bird nuts. So, they're probably quite hard for you to get down.

Well, I also have to take in a small bit of gravel, which helps me digest them. Yeah. Three for me, handful of gravel, one for the birds. Yeah, and you'll have a quick dust bath at some point halfway through, really. Well, what is it you think you're feeding, if not animals?

What do you think's going on there, Ben? The Talon Dangerous. Reflecto Bologna. Anyway, that's actually reminded me of something, right? So, I've got a little email folder, where I sort through the letters and the emails. Because Henry and I refuse to do so. Of course.

And I've made a little sub folder. I made it maybe three months ago, where I was storing a lot of correspondence we had on one specific topic, and I never found the time to bring it up. And it's like a massive bollocking that might even finish you off. Oh, God.

Directed it? At whom? Guess. H.P. Oh, God. Sure. It is a dirty bollock-pum. It's the mother of all bollockings.

A Daisy-Cutter bollocking. Basically, I think... It's so long ago, I can't remember, but I think Henry basically said that he'd never... He didn't understand how birds reproduce. Yeah, yeah, we talked about this. I stand by that. They don't have penises, they don't have...

For giners, they didn't have genitals, do they? Well, here we go. I've got loads... I mean, I've had so many emails on this, but I'm just picking one at random. This is from Rebecca. Henry, I'm sure someone has already told you to look at duck dicks.

I assume they were just insulting me. I didn't know that was not sure. Go look at a duck dick. I mean, you get that a shout at, he's 17 times a day, don't you? Yeah, tell it to me, okay? I don't care, okay? Leave me alone, yeah?

It's water off a duck's dick, isn't it, to you, Henry? So this is another... This is from Josie from Oxford. Ducks have a very well-developed penis. The world record for longest avian penis is held by an Argentine ruddy duck measuring in at 42 centimetres. Not only are duck penises long, but they corkscrew.

It's a great storage solution, isn't it, for anything, really? I'm speechless. But also, I mean, there's so much to pack in here. They're also right. Henry is right that the vast majority of birds don't have external sex organs. Typically, the male stands on the female's back,

tails are moved out of the way, and the cloacas are pressed together for a matter of seconds. This is known as a cloacal kiss. I think, look, Ben, I think we all know that. But what do birds do? I just want to make it clear that we've literally had maybe 30 emails, many of which have

the subject-sized little cloacal kiss. Cloacal kissing chair, cloacal first kiss. Also, someone, I think at some point you said that you'd never seen birds have sex, and you don't believe that they do have sex. Is someone going to tell me that I have seen birds having sex? Well... Because they saw me have seen birds having sex,

and you make them prove it. Well, Peter... Peter emails and says that he informed us in series two via email, this is the email we read out, that his brother saw two pigeons having sex in the missionary position on a grass verge outside Windsor Castle in 2005. Everyone's got a brother who tells tall stories.

I mean, my brother said he saw this. I mean, come on. That's not evidence for a bollocking. So, there you go. So, yeah, that's more of a little bollock tangent. So... I think that's still case not closed on that bollocking. I think that's ongoing.

I don't think anything was proved just then. This bollock... Dear Beans, as per Mike and Benries, as per Mike and Ben's guarantee in the Teeth episode, here is your bollocking in regards to the number of times you can fold a piece of paper. There we go. Yeah, fine.

Henry's claim that it is eight is wrong. Here's here by bollocked. Accepted, isn't it? Well, no. Well, what's the proof? You just kind of say it's wrong. Okay. Mike's subsequent claim that it is seven is also wrong.

Bollock issued. The current record for folding a piece of paper is held by the peoples of St Mark's School, Southborough, Massachusetts, who set the record of 13 times by using 13,000 feet of toilet paper and a really long corridor. What? Does toilet paper count? I don't know if toilet paper counts.

I mean, I don't want to be the one to break it to those noble kids in Massachusetts. What did they do with the corridor? Well, they had 13,000 feet of toilet paper. I think they did it in the corridor. And they folded it. How many times? 13. In a big corridor.

What's the corridor to do with it? You're quite excited on the corridor. Where they were. Rather than doing it outside, which would have been a nightmare with the toilet paper. Or in a small room, which would have been too small for the toilet paper. They've needed a big space and rather than choosing, say, you know, a sports hall or something, they've chosen a long corridor.

I think Mike might be right about it. Yeah, is loo roll paper? Is a bird an animal? Is toilet paper paper? I mean, it's called paper. But it's not a toilet, though, is it? It's also called toilet. That's a good point, Mike.

That's a very good point. I mean, I'm being a bit fiddly with that. It's not toilet. Why the hell should it be paper? Move on. Helen writes, Hello, lovely beans. Can I ask a cheeky favour? I listen to the show every week whilst running.

There we go. I knew it. I told you, I knew it. While running a hot bath from a seated position. OK, sorry. Yeah, yeah, spoke too soon. I listen to the show every week whilst running. I'm now reaching long run training for the Loch Ness Marathon in October.

Ooh. Please could you shout me some words of encouragement as I plan on listening to the podcast during the marathon and need all the help I can get on my first official attempt at this distance? Helen. Good luck, Helen. The monster only eats stationary humans. Keep going.

And the monster tends to run out of steam after about 26.2 miles. So as long as you get that far, you'll be safe. But don't wrap yourself in foil at the end, because the monster will think you're a big giant Kit Kat and will try and eat you, in fact. So don't do the foil bit. Yeah, just keep going. Just keep going.

Don't think too hard about your nipples, Helen. Forget your nipples. They'll be gone. What's happened to my brother-in-law? Your brother-in-law's nipple, do they ever come back or are they just now gone? I've never asked him, actually. I think, because I don't, some questions,

it's a hard thing to ask him. It's a topic he needs to bring up when he's good and ready. I don't think it's for me to... It's too direct a question with potentially a harrowing answer. Yeah. And when I see a lot of fun, my brother-in-law, and we're having a good time, you know, having a good time. It's the kind of question where, if you are all sitting around,

you know, having tea, whatever, when he pops to the loo, you could lean across to his wife and say, any news on Gerald's nipples? Any... What's going on with Gerald's nipples? Oh, he's coming back, shh! Is it? And I didn't want to pace my sister in a situation where she's, you know, there's a bond of trust, and he might have said,

please, just don't talk about them, my glassy chest. Don't tell anyone. Has he got two glass nipples, has he, now? I don't know. And if I did know that would be helpful, because, you know, he's difficult to buy presents for. Because you can get them little novelty ones, like with... Like smoked glass.

Yeah, exactly. Smoked glass or Christmassy ones where you tip them round and there's a snow scene. Snow globe nipples, yeah. Well, best of luck, Helen. I think you're going to smash it. Yeah, best of luck, Helen. What does he say?

What does Randolph Fiennes Fiennes say? Plod on. Is that it? Plod on. Is that his advice? That's his advice. Although that has resulted in him losing several fingers. I'm going to take that with a pinch of salt.

And also, he's got a lot of family money, hasn't he, behind him? He does, yes. Yeah, so good luck. Plod on and make sure you've got a lot of family money behind you. And I mean, a lot of family money. It's sort of like a county somewhere. Yeah. Some of that money is written into the British Constitution.

It can't be taken away. It's structural to the country, that money. Do you know what I mean? It's ancient. It's load-bearing money. It really is. And there's a whole class of serfs who spend their entire life just making glass nipples, just in case.

Just in case, in various different sizes. He needs to replace one at any moment. Every part of his body has a glass replacement, doesn't it, ready to go? Back, for example. Back, legs. Yeah. Dick arms.

And dick arms is one for novelty parties. Yeah. We should move on. Yes, Helen. Good luck. You're going to have a... You're going to do it. You're going to have a marathon.

He was going to say, weren't you? You're going to have a marathon of a time. You're going to do it. And while not everyone necessarily believes in the Loch Lest Monster, we believe in you. And don't do what I did the one time in my life I attempted a marathon, which was except at the start line an energy snack that I had never seen before in my life.

From who? Which about from a perfect stranger... From a tiny little strange man in an innocent of purple suit. You're me. Never do that. Who appeared in a puff of purple smoke. Because it turned out it had contained such densely complex carbohydrates that it gave me about an hour and a half later a powerful osmotic diarrhea.

Then nearly to be dealt with and the cues for the by then already horrific portalouse quarter of the way around the course were nightmarish. Never have I had to grip my teeth so hard. As the 45 minutes I had to stand there waiting to get into that portalouse. Should have Radcliffed it with hindsight. But it was a built up area. There weren't any bushes. If you see the marathon goblin inform the organizers.

There is a protocol that they know what to do. They know what to do. They'll clap their hands three times and say, I don't believe in you straight into his eyeballs and he disappears. He disappears and he appears in another marathon somewhere else on earth. Yeah, exactly. Good advice there, I think. Well, thank you to everyone who's emailed.

Do send us an email to 3beancelledpod at gmail.com. It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon Patreon.com 4 slash 3beancelled Thank you to everyone who signed up on our Patreon. There will be part of that episode that we recorded, but we held back especially for Patreon subscribers as we do every week. And also there's the Sean Bean tier,

which gives you access to the Sean Bean lounge, where Michael spent his evening last night. I did. Well, it was the annual fish soup gymkhana, wasn't it? So it was. Thank you, Henry, and here's my report. There wasn't a dry spoon in the house last night at the Sean Bean lounge as we celebrated the annual fish soup gymkhana,

where finally horsemanship meets the hot, liquefied fruits of the sea or lake or river. Emma Brimnolato opened the event by bursting out of a buyapes on a 17-hand apollosa and running Scott Dickinson through with a lance made of frozen cod chowder. In the keyhole hurries-gurry, David Fogelman and James Welch were neck and neck to the final crouton until Sarah Payne overtook and burst through the finish line

on a gumbo drenched holstiner. The lobster beast horseback relay led to burnt tongues and badly steamed eyebrows for Sam Caburn, Calomare and Tony Bong, and was nearly called off entirely when Lauren Shurty trapped rival Richard Hepburn in an upturned tuurine, and a disagreement between teammates Andy Lennox and Amy Rodgers on whether or not a crayfish is just a tiny lobster led to a ladle duel that had to be broken up with a miso hose

mounted on an anti-riot felpony. That dealt with Jack Futter won the hooker soup, bagging a herring schnirt on a Dutch warm blood, Harriet Knight won the egg and soup race, and Amy North got the soup and spoon race for the fifth year running, leading Andrew, Colin Levins and Anonette Howe to accuse her of deep spooning. Roger Halber and Adam Bowwater thrilled onlookers by completing a two-man precision barrel cat's cradle

with a plugged-in clicks machine. Dan Baradel got the mood wrong by performing a single box keyhole with a shark's fin soup, but things turned around again when, in a world first, Dan Lanny, Rosie Wilson, Emma Grushka and Gethyn Jones competed in a hot Pollock Borscht Shetland Pony Downhill Sacrace. Given the event was unsurvivable, Sean Bean declared all four of them winners.

During the course of this event, no horses were intentionally souped. Okay, and before we come to an end, we'll have a look at which of your versions of our theme tunes, and please do send them in. They're all brilliant. We're going to use them. The first one from last week was epic. It wasn't strictly speaking, you know,

but it was what an extraordinary find that was. This is from Connor. Connor's becoming a bit of a theme tune regular. What did Connor do before? He did the incredible Santana one, I think. Oh, yes, please. More Connor. Come on then. Let's hear it. What's he got for us this time?

Dear Beans, I'm taking the title of Serial Theme Tune Writer bestowed upon me by Ben seriously. Mike mentioned that he likes the guitar stylings of Borelli Lagren and Jimmy Hendrix. Thus, I got to work learning how to poorly imitate virtuosic French gypsy jazz by drinking only water sourced from the Mediterranean. It didn't make me better at jazz,

but it did give me dysentery. For the Hendrix theme, I made sure to use a multitude of class A narcotics as a device for authentic blues innovation. To spare Henry further torture, I've managed to complete this task without using any guitar. Oh, thank you. I am, of course, kidding.

Get fucked, Henry. You know what? Lovely stuffed hats off. Yeah, you got me. Oh, I'm very excited about this. Thank you, Connor. So, there are two to choose from. We've either got gypsy jazz or Hendrix style. So, which would you like?

Do you mind if we go for the gypsy jazz first? Let's do it. Please. I'm excited about both, but I can't wait to do this. Lovely. All right. Well, thank you, Connor. We'll be playing out your gypsy jazz version of our theme tune. Thank you, Connor. A little reminder again that we're doing a live show on Saturday that you can stream from wherever you are

in the universe. I'll put a link to the tickets for that in the show description of this podcast. And until next time, dear listener, goodbye. Thank you, cheerio. Bye.