Three Bean Salad - Immortality

Episode Date: December 8, 2021

Listener Sam gets the beans talking about immortality. They peregrinate around the topic, taking in clown eggs, tuna salads and getting a biscuit named after you. Get in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpodJoin our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode; www.patreon.com/threebeansalad

I've got a really noisy bird can you hear it? I can hear that. I can't. He's probably put it in a different room I'd say. But yeah, you know you're not supposed to buy caged birds anymore didn't you Henry? Come on Sally, off we take it. That's one of the big no-nos. No it's not is it. Buying caged birds. Yeah, it's fine isn't it? I think that's been a bit of a no-no for a long old time isn't it. The old caged bird. You can buy a budgie. I know, but I don't think you're supposed to. What do you mean you're not supposed to? I think the, isn't the accepted thinking that a bird probably would rather be sort of flitting about the place? Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike. Oh dear. Piss and clouds. Accepted thinking. Mike Wozniak. Ah,

Ah, two bedfellows, well-acquainted. Oh, God, you're not gonna... I admit it's harder to train a free-range parent to swear at a visiting maiden aunt. But... It might be happier. They're also good for witnessing murders. Sometimes they can have to hold the key.

That's true. Stop killing me, Geoffrey! Stop killing me, Geoffrey! Is that admissible in court? A budgie saying that? Good question. So you're saying for security reasons we should continue to keep caged birds?

I think we should be caged bird in every home. Possibly on our person, at all times. Yeah. In case of attack. Because even the most cold-blooded bludgerner, they might have taken you out, but they're gonna spare the bird. The speaking bird.

Oh, yeah. They'll feed the bird normally. I suppose that's how they often catch murderers, a lot of the time, is that it's the guy that stops carrying a bag of birdseed and a set of tiny shades and a tiny Napoleon hat and a little, just a little photo sort of kit for setting up sort of amusing bird photos.

Sometimes I'll do that as well when they're in there. Just a side hustle. I've got a bit of a weird setup here. I've got six blinded windows above me. I thought you could say budgies. I've got six windows above me, all of which are blinded. It feels a bit like a sort of unsuccessful idea

for a 70s game show, but I can hear a bird behind one of them and every now and then I stand up and open one of the blinds and I still haven't got it. I've only got four blinds left, which is it gonna be? What blind shall I go for?

Oh, describe the blinds. What all have we got? Well, they're all the same. One of them's slightly broken. Slightly broken. Slightly broken. Slightly broken. He's going for the slightly broken one.

Oh, no, still no bird. The one to the left of the slightly broken one. The one to the left of the slightly broken one. The 1970s audience would be going in a slightly sinister way, they'd be going really man for it, they wouldn't they? Go on, open it!

Go on! Why is he opening that one? He's an idiot. What's he doing? It's not under that one either. Okay, far right, far right. And there's a really depressing looking like fridge that's just rotating on a

with a bit of tinsel on it in the corner. That's what's at stake. And because the early 70s, there's a bit of jeopardy as well. So behind one of the blinds is a live puma. Okay. Big problem in the 70s. Let's hope it's not the puma.

That's what a lot of people are watching for, really. Yeah, by number two. It's the puma! For the love of God, now! We've accidentally got a real, we've accidentally used a real puma, we've accidentally used a real puma. We're supposed to be Russ Abbott in face paint.

Yeah, to be honest, I don't think it's by any of them because actually a bird can't stand on diagonal glass, probably kind of. So the whole format was flawed. There's still one blind to go, though, isn't there? Yeah, there's still one. Actually, don't give up at this stage.

Open it, open it, open it. Oh! I can just see my neighbour's chimney stack. Really? Really? And I'm in a fright. And the camera starts lurching around in a really nauseating way.

It was all in his head, head, head. And this is poor guy called Cly from Hampshire, who's just a Gamechair contestant who's sweating and looking really – well, there's all the hands on him. All the audience's hands are pressing on him. audience, his hands are pressing on him. The audience aren't real. The audience are all your aunts and uncles.

Why do they look like your dad? What's going on? And it cuts to the host. He's a really, really gross, pallid man, just shoveling fried eggs into his mouth with hands. What's the game show called? Diagonal Window Jeopardy Bird Attack. ITV's flagship show. But they're bringing back all those shows, aren't they? That's going to show that we'd come back now, hosted by

that bloke, isn't it? Who does the chase? Oh, Bradley Walsh. Trapped by Bradley Walsh. He's sleeping them all up, is he? He's sleeping them all up. I think there was a moment a couple of weeks ago where Bradley Walsh was doing a game show on both ITV and BBC One simultaneously. On a Saturday night.

It's a hop-skipping a jump to number 10, isn't it, after that? It's the old pathway. Yeah. Gladstone, Disraeli. Yeah, Blair, of course. They all did the same. And of course Blair then carried it on in office with a fun game of Find the WMD. Finally.

Nice. But for some reason, nobody could find them and nobody won the prize. In fact, everyone lost. Ouch. Somehow, one of them managed to get a lucrative prize of getting on the after-dinner circuit and doing bloody speeches. Where is this after-dinner circuit, by the way? I have dinner every day.

I've never once had Tony Blair or anyone around. He's not doing it in Pizza Express, mate. No? He's in Ask Pizza, minimum. ZZ's, yeah. You've got to go top end. If you'll be finishing, you'll be at the stage of deciding desserts, whatever.

You'll be like, oh, shall we have a dessert? That was quite filling, wasn't it, that? Yeah, they bring out the sweet trolley, or they bring out the speech trolley, depending on what kind of stuff. The speech trolley, yeah. If it's a speech trolley, there might be Tony Blair lying on top and underneath there might be sort of... Gorbachev.

Gorbachev. Yeah, Zuckerberg might be there. Well-carling. You know what? I feel a bit full for well-carling. Um... I've got a feeling Gorbachev might be a bit more ribbled. I can see a little bit of cheeky, a couple of cheeky anecdotes

from behind the Iron Curtain, please. Lovely. Have you ever watched an afternoon's speech? I don't think I have in my entire life. No. No. I don't think so. Not outside of the sort of parameters of a wedding, or...

Yes, yeah. Hoy-Polloy level, after dinner speaking. But I've not yet received any invitations to join any sort of Illuminati-style organisations, or whoever it is that's getting these speeches. Sort of cricket clubs. Cricket clubs. But there's also...

Because usually when you read about when it's an Obama or a Blair or someone like that, the article will say in these receiving, it is reported up to £200,000 to a single speech, and then you have to wonder, well, who can run to that? Especially with the number of free TED talks available on YouTube. Exactly. You just fire it up on YouTube, sit everyone in front of a screen. Or just put gremlins on.

Put gremlins on? Put gremlins on? So we're either going to go for Tony Blair, which will cost us £250,000, or there's a DVD of gremlins that costs us about £1, maybe £150,000. But we just have to make sure that we're not hosting the dinner on an oil rig, otherwise we could get in a bit of trouble for that. Because riggers, obviously, riggers, there's all the worry that the themes of turning into a monster when touching water is too close to the

bone, don't you mind? They're already in a sort of claustrophobic state. Well, there's that. And there's the T's and C's, right? The T's and C's. Do you know where the DVD T's and C's? It would make it very clear, back in the DVD day, and the VHS day, if you rent a DVD...

Say at the beginning, do not show this on an oil rig. Yeah. You can show this, you know, by all means, watch this. Is there? If you're on an oil rig, get stuffed. Hang on. It's why riggers are so behind on the cinematic trends of the day. The first thing you ask if you apply for a job as a rigger, are you a

cineast? Yes. In that case, forget it. So, hang on, are you saying that if you're on an oil rig, you can watch a pirate video? Well, it would be, but it would be pirate. It would be, it's one of the most illegal offences known to man, it's up there with high trees.

That's why we have navies, Henry, to go and stop them. To stop riggers from watching DVDs. Gremlin. Yeah. Gremlin. Now, I'm genuinely not clear on this. Are you saying that at the end of a VHS or something, there'd be a warning?

It would be around the beginning. And it would specifically say, you can't watch this on an on an oil rig. Yeah. Seriously. This is not to be exhibited as an oil rig. It's not about piracy. It's actually about, it's about the suspicion that Hollywood, the creative

industries had that people building oil rigs purely as a way of making a cheap cinema experience. The whole thing was a ruse. You know what? It does seem a bit far fetched. I mentioned it. I mentioned it. These big sort of platforms in the middle of the sea, which are sort of

getting. Well, it's impossible, isn't it? I mean, you can't. I mean, how can you drill through the sea? I mean, it's nonsense. How can you drill through water? You can't. Exactly.

There's nothing for it to hold onto. It's got no bite. You know what I mean? Yeah. I, I tried drilling a door. I tried drilling my bathroom door last weekend. Yeah. We get one of those new water doors, did you?

Yeah. They're a bloody nightmare. We got one of those. We were so excited about it, we thought we'd get one of those new water doors, where it's a film of moving water, the jets up. So it just disrupts the image of you, coiling one out from the outside. Yeah. So it's a wonderful feeling sitting, you know, obviously sitting going to the toilet,

knowing that anyone standing on the other side of the door looking through will see you disrupted. It's a wonderful, that sense of danger, which is just, you know, just a few drops away. Well, that's how they sell it, isn't it? That's how they sell the idea. Yeah. But in practice, very, very things. Well, what they didn't tell you, you have to knock down every floor in your house, except

for the top one, has to get completely knocked down to add in, to add in all the pipes. I just looked up the DVD on Olrig's thing. Oh yeah. I found a forum, an internet forum, someone's asking, why is it that on DVDs there's a warning that you can't film on an Olrig? And then someone replies, I had a mate that used to be a copyright enforcer in places like Russia and developing nations for Disney. Some of the stories he had were downright frightening, a brave, brave man with his work

cut out for him. So this guy is much as they say. Bored Olrig and says, stop that. Stop that. Boz, you are not watching Gremlins here. But in Russia, they wouldn't say, OK, if I see Russian rigors, they want to know what happens. They probably kidnap you and make you reenact the end of Gremlins in a kind of one-man

show version, while they're stripping bits of skin off your bottom of your feet. Yeah, I hope you've got some danger money for that, bloody hell. So was he working alone or was he under the jurisdiction of a police force? Who's working for Disney? He was the dark hand of Disney. He would have flashed his Disney badge with his two little mouses poking out the top. He's probably wearing mousies, I imagine. To the foreman.

And to get through, he would probably also sometimes bribe people with some Disney dollars if he had to. What are Disney dollars? What's the money that you use in Disney World or Disneyland? I thought it was like slang for some kind of pill. I can't remember that bit, does it? Probably it's both. Have you got the Disney dollars?

Oh. Well, I'm really coming up on you. You've been taking Disney dollars again, haven't you? Son! I'm really coming up on these Disney dollars. Oh, oh, everyone's got huge round black ears, they're brilliant. Oh. Oh.

Oh, I'm just going to run off this cliff and expect to be suspended in the air and for it to be fine. Disney dollars cost lives. That was the end, wasn't it? I don't remember that, yeah. Oh, I'm just going to hit my mum with a frying pan and her face will go all flattened. She won't die at all. Oh, I want to see what my sister skeleton looks like.

I'll just have a hand in a plug. What Disney films have you been watching? Oh, you know what? I'm going to find out what my brother's skeleton is, but I'm going to use a different method. I'm going to just stick my hand through his mouth, pull it out, look at it for a bit, spin it around and show it back in again. And then we'll meet up later. Oh, no, I can't meet up with him later because he's dead.

Well, I'm just going to get to work today by getting loads of bits of wood and metal and a train or a train to the front engine section of the train, getting that to go forwards while throwing in front of the train the bits of wood and metal to create the tracks. Like in Hardman's Wallace and Gromit. These things are easy to convey visually, aren't they? Oh, I can't do it. Oh, I can't do it. And now, I've spent 20,000 quid on reinforced steel, buying sections of reinforced steel

and sections of wood. Can you do one that's related to a Disney film? Oh, I'm trying to have a conversation with this lobster and I'm expecting it to have a French accent. It didn't have a French accent. Are you talking about the little mermaid? I think in general, there's a tendency in Disney films for crustaceans to be portrayed as having French accents.

It was Jamaican. But when Henry says French, it just means foreign. Beyond France. Beyond France, everything is just... I see you can't watch films on oil rigs. That's tough for the rigger, isn't it? On top of everything else he's got to go through. You can't see a family, you're living in a platform suspended in the middle of the

sea. You're earning an absolute shed load. That's all the problems that come with that. Is it going to make your friends look at you a bit differently? In fact, you've got really, really great shoes. So Cinema Night's on a rig, it's just like, right, Cinema Night, what we've got this Friday. It's another homemade pantomime by Gary and the Boys.

I don't even know why you even ask me what's on Friday, Gary, but I don't even mind your dress as a pantomime. You've still got your pantomime day make-up on, because it's permanent, you haven't done anything so often. We've tattooed it in, which makes it even harder for you to fit in now with your family and stuff when you go back. When you go back on leave. Not as bad as the pantomime horse boys, though, I mean, a terrible time at home.

Well, they've got that terrible situation, a bit like people who move from America to Britain as children, they end up with an accident, they end up with that mid-Atlantic accident. So in Britain, they're seen as American American, this is the same with the horses, the pantomime horse people, isn't it? Amongst horses, they're seen as people, two weird people, and amongst people excluding pantomime people. Excluding the pantomime community.

Excluding the pantomime community, they're seen as people dressed as pantomime horse. And amongst pantomime horses. Oh, that was true. I'm going to try to put my horse on there, OK? Sort of it that way. It does make you think, doesn't it? OK, so this week's topic, sent in by Sam Deans, thank you, Sam, is... Immortality.

Ooh. Well, there's two types, broadly, yeah? Yeah. Really? Well, you've got the literal physical immortality of your thaws and so on. Yeah, and then you've got having a biscuit named after you. You got having a biscuit named after you. Gary Baldi.

Yeah, Gary Baldi. Yeah. Or a light entertainment chat podcast that is taken into the British Library. Yeah. Oh, I see. And baked onto a hard drive in perpetuity. Exactly. And we've not received that letter yet, have we?

I don't think. We could certainly just put it on a USB stick and sort of drop it in the British Library. Just hide it in a copy of Barnaby Rudge. Yeah. I have heard some rumours that they're going to do a similar thing because, you know, in France, they've got the golden metre, the golden centimetre, the liquid golden centre litre. No, I didn't know that.

No? No, I didn't know that. They were like, I don't think they're made of gold though, are they? Well, I think they are. I'm very happy and ready to believe that they are. The softest metal going. I assume they're made of titanium or something. They've got like the absolute gram or the absolute...

The archetypical milligram centre. They've also got an oven permanently running at exactly 120 degrees. They've got the platonic baguette. Is this all kept in the same place they keep those clown eggs? What are they? What? The clown eggs. If you're a proper clown, an official clown.

You're born out of an egg? You're born out of an egg. And when you've got your clown face, your clown face has to be, your makeup has to be unique. And when you're accepted into a certain society declune, then you're invited to paint that face on an egg. And it is taken to a special archive in Paris. Oh, wow. And filed.

And filed away on an egg wreck. Oh, my God. That must be the spookiest archive to get locked in overnight. Can you imagine? Cool. So, yeah, I think... Oh, I've done my work. I've identified...

Oh, no. I've... Jules! Jules! No, no. Huh? Huh? Huh?

Ahh! Ahh! Everywhere. A piero, there was a piero on the left. Chicky Charlie on the right. All under lit, tiny little tea lights from the chin up. Well in the clown face archive, yeah, at night, they turned it on to... they didn't turn it off all together because that'd be dangerous.

They go on to low generator power, which is little tea lights under... underneath each light. And they change the air con to the mode where it goes. Well, they very quietly play on a semi wound gramophone. That's right. And the thing is, they've obviously they've put that, they've put that telephone inside so you can ring for

help. So you ring up and you get through to Jean, and then John gets in his car to come and help you. But then as soon as he sets off the wheels, fall off all the doors fall off. Yeah. And then then you start going, Jean, Jean, Jean, are you okay? And then water sprays out through the through the handset doesn't into your face. That's right. Yeah. And then you know, at that point, you think, Oh, well, I mean,

I'm in a real pickle here. I might calm down. I might just might just go over to that vase, which has a single red rose. Give that a sniff. Just just to calm, just to calm my nerves. It's only that when you remember, you've been carrying a ladder across your shoulder this whole time, which you've just swung into the precious eggs. You swung in. Because obviously they give you a ladder on the way in, don't they? Because there isn't the second floor. So to

get up to get up to the third four, you have to climb directly from the first floor. Don't you? Yeah. So if you if you smash a clown face egg, does the clown die? I assume so. I assume wherever they are in the world, at that point, they burst. The yolk comes forward and spills into the pavement. That's why the most decadent billionaires sort of hotels for breakfast, you can get scrambled, scrambled clown, scrambled

clown essentially, which is and you know, when they say to you would you like that to be a two or a three egg clown omelet? You're literally deciding how many clowns will die that day. Thousands of mile away in Paris, someone's coming in with a tiny hammer and just sploshing them three in a row. Although obviously the statistics can be misleading because the fact is over 20,000 clowns a die day anyway, just through natural causes. And through and the sort of potato

blight that they get. Yeah, it's a fungal thing, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Clown leg disease. There's certain things that only clowns get hand foot and squeaky nose. Hand for squeaky nose. And a lot more than you'd expect dying car accidents, because they say up to one in 50, I think clown cars, when they get in it, the wheels and doors don't fall off.

And of course, they can't drive. So have you tried operating a brake pedal with one of those shoes? It's a bloody night? Exactly. So yes. So yeah, so these are all in the same place. That's right. So they've got the yes, they've got all those or anything that's that's measurable. So for example, they've got the the ideal length of a beach holiday. That's

just two and three quarter days. Turns out they've got staying your welcome. Yeah. Yeah. They've got that. All of these things made of gold. Yeah. And such a great resource in there. But there's a what I'm suggesting is that I think our podcast to retain that kind of immortality, which you believe to be the Plasonic ideal of a podcast.

Exactly. Should be essentially rendered in gold and buried along with those other things somewhere underneath the streets of Paris, underneath the Pompidou centre, underneath the Pompidou centre. I can certainly support that. Would we three have to be rendered in gold and buried or can we continue to go about our daily lives? I don't know. It's a good question. I think maybe two of us get rendered in gold and the other one gets a biscuit named

after them. I think immortality is what we're supposed to be talking about. Yes. Immortality. The trouble with immortality is he really wants it. You're never going to get around to dealing with all those photos. What the ones that you need to go through. Yeah.

That's the one thing I think that even even immortals wouldn't get around to. You just Well, because the longer you're alive, the more photos there are. Yeah. Subscribing to a bigger and bigger Dropbox. You know,

actually currently the size of an affordable Dropbox or Google Drive folder is what kind of determines a human lifespan, isn't it? It's been calculated using that very framework. Because they say, don't they, that like children born, is it right? Children born today will likely live to over 100. Oh, really? Is it?

Like your kids, Mike, will live to over 100. Yeah, I mean, you've got, I think, well, I'd better warn them about that, I think. Yeah, because I'm already a bit nervous about the idea of reaching a ripe old age, because I think the older you get, the less you're able to justify your productivity levels in lifetime, you know, and I'm 42 years old now, and I have reflected recently on, you know, what have I been up to really?

Sometimes that's over the course of a day or a week or a month, or a lifetime. But do you mean what have you achieved so far? Yeah, and I sort of think, oh, I really need to shape up. But, you know, it's only been 42 years. It's not funny about a bit, maybe it's all right. I mean, if you're 4237 years old, and it's a bit harder to justify the fact you still haven't cracked basic French, for

example, you know, and French has even changed in that time. You know, you've left it so long, it doesn't even exist as a language anymore. Yeah. And you're essentially learning old French. Yeah, you're still on grade three. Oboe, 40 Oboe teachers have died. You've got to go to 40 Oboe teacher funerals, which is too

many Oboe teacher funerals by any stretch. You've had to write 42 speeches about 42 different Oboe teachers. You've played terribly 40 times at funerals with your Oboe. And you see them rolling their eyes thinking, well, he's had time to sort this out, hasn't he? For Christ's sake, he's been playing this piece. He's 4,000 years old. I think it'd be very hard wearing on the self esteem is my

point in mortality. I see. So do you feel that as you get older, your self esteem begins to, do you feel like it gets stronger or weaker as you get older? I sort of hope and assume that as you get older, you get, you become more at peace with your foibles and your failures. Because mine is just ebbing hard as time goes on. But I hope that you seem to reach an age where you just don't

care anymore. I think it hits a rock bottom. And then there's some sort of epiphany. And then you're like, oh, it's all futile. Anyway, let's not worry about it too much. Well, as you get old, as you get older, you go through the through the years, don't you? If you're an age and you sort of cross off on a list, all these

people that have achieved loads of great things who are already dead by that point. Yeah. To be like, Jesus dead, Hendricks dead. Yeah. You know what I mean? And I've still not done it. Oh, God, yeah.

And you look and you see what age they were when they achieved them. But if you're googling that stuff and you're, you're, 17,000 years old, there's no one that you're googling like, well, yeah, yeah, he was okay. Well, I haven't achieved that yet, but the guy who did achieve it, he was 18,000 years old. So maybe I'm doing okay.

Does it play in your mind, Henry, that you've never either brought out a sort of genre defining rock album or brought someone back from the dead? Exactly. Those things haunt me. I mean, you know what? I've never even set fire to a musical instrument. And that's easily within my gift.

You know, I could do that. I could do that today if I had to. You have provided me with a manner of loaf and fish because you once made me a tuna and a swast salad with bread. Oh, did I? Yeah. So, you know, and you weren't probably restored from the dead, so to speak, but you were probably really hungry.

So it's close. Yeah. It's on the other spectrum with the laser rating you. There was a Lazarus vibe, sure. Was it good that miss was? It was fantastic. The fact that I remember it years later. Yeah.

I took it because you were giving off, you were giving off the kind of, you were sort of, you were making out that this is the kind of lunch you have every day, but we all knew that you were, you were turning it up a bit for the guests. And you were saying things like, I'll often knock up a tuna and I didn't believe it for a second. Yeah. Yeah.

Partly because of the four man catering team that was hanging out. Yeah. That was a good one. You were using clown eggs as well. You don't do that every day. Yeah. No, of course, but I always blanch the capers. And I'll just quickly seal this pistachio crust.

On the boiled eggs using this mini torch and. So I'm just going to take out of the packet and put some fuel in. Yeah. A quick spray of Quantro set fire. The whole thing is now glazed with paraffin, glazed with paraffin. And there's the string quartet as well. It all felt a bit, you know, yeah. It was a bit overdone, wasn't it?

It was delicious. Because we know that really for lunch, what you tend to do is just open a can of chopped tomatoes and just chug it like a pint. I will do that. Or sometimes I'm just eat a canned burger. Don't even warm it up. Don't even warm it up, just straight up the can. Just just stretch your back and just because the canned burgers now that they

come, they're encased in a sort of jelly. So if you just shake, if you just shake the can, the whole thing can slip. Just slip into your mouth and the jelly helps it glide down all the way down to the other end. Exactly. Yeah, it glides all the way through. If you want to save time, just pour it straight down the loo. Yeah, exactly.

It's so coated in the jelly, the whole thing has almost no impact on your digestive system at all. It's like, you know, if you could interview your intestines afterwards and say, what do you think of that burger? They say, what burger? And you'd be like, this interview is over. What if you were offered to make the whole human race immortal starting now? Right?

You can press a button. Yeah. And please don't do the thing which some people do in these conversations. Like my parents do sometimes when they go, well, I just wouldn't press the button because I wouldn't believe the person could come on. Come on, please. So I'm telling you, you just somehow know that I can do it. Okay.

Okay. So would you press the button? It means everyone lives forever, but they stay at the same age that they currently are. So who is this person with the button? Who is this person with the button? Is it someone I know? Fucking hell, come on, please.

What kind of button is it? Is it wired up to something? Doesn't matter. Please. It's Christmas at the back of household. I just want to speculate. Play along with my thought experiment. I don't want more pudding.

I want a conversation. I will have some pudding though. Just imagine if someone said to you, if you ate this pudding, you'd become immortal. Well, no, you're being ridiculous. Well, no, because we got the recipe, it's a Jamie Oliver. So Henry, you didn't, you were putting that to us. Then you preempted us picking holes in it. Yeah, so we'll not dare to do now.

So basically, yeah, if you could press a button and everyone is immortal. What's the button rigged up to? I just need to take the button out of these arguments. I've just realized I really overused the button. A lot of my conversations. So like, even if, you know, if I'm ordering a sandwich or something, I'll say, like, if you could press a button and I'd have extra mayo, would you press that button? And then they'll be like, if I gave you 70 P's to press the button, would you give me one?

And they'll be like, what kind of button is it? And the amount of times I just storm, I'm constantly storming out of restaurants and shops. In a mayonnaise-starved state. Exactly. That was all the time. What you should say and said, like, if you had a key card, you could swipe. Oh, what, to make it more up to date? Yeah.

Because people don't understand the mechanics so much of a key card. So they won't be able to, like, get into the nitty-gritty of, like, what's that connected to? They don't feel like they understand it enough to question it. No, but really, you can take the whole button stage out of a conversation, can't you? But it's going, would you like it if everyone? Just be careful. Okay. So would you like it if everyone was immortal?

But they stayed at the same age they are now? And what's going to mechanism that's sort of going? So that you're expecting this to happen without me pushing some sort of buzzer? I mean, everything's button-based these days, isn't it? So, yeah, would that be a good thing then? So, Mike, you get to live forever as you are now. But with primary school-aged children forever. Primary school-aged children.

But, you know, you are a man in peak sexual condition. Yeah? And Ben, you would stay as your... Yeah, everyone would stay as they are. Pam would stay the same age she is now. The main still, yeah. Good dog. One-year-old now.

Yeah, puppy-ish and poorly behaved. She'd keep that puppy-ish vibe forever. And we'd all live our lives, but forever. Do the kids... I mean, do they stay in their respective years at school? I mean, are they doing like the Norman Conquest literally every single year for millennia and long division and that's it? But nothing else.

They're locked in hard. Because they can have incredible knowledge of the Norman Conquest. Well, that's one of the questions that will be debated in Parliament. You know, or by the time they're 67 years old, but it's still the appearance of an eight-year-old child, are they, you know, are they allowed into the jobs market, for example? Is there suddenly a glass ceiling for people who have the appearance of a five-year-old, but actually are 320 years old

and have got a brace of master's degrees to their name? It was a great question. This could be the beginning of the great sort of child. The children versus adults wars. Exactly. And I think we have just got ourselves the biggest YA sort of franchise. We've just written. Yeah.

Yeah, that's brilliant. I tell you who I feel sorry for in this situation, though, is anyone who's just got a really bad mouth ulcer when it comes in. So in your world, you stay in the same physical condition you're in. Is it to the degree that if you've just stubbed a toe, then I mean that's... That's forever, then. Forever. I think so, yeah.

That moment. Yeah. I think very few people would push or not push that button if there is it or isn't a button. Yeah. On the whole, I think most people would greet death favorably in those circumstances. Yes. It's sort of also like death in general in the animal kingdom and I guess the human kingdom just kind of keeps you on your toes a bit, doesn't it?

Yes. Like imagine how fat I would get in a world where I couldn't die. Like imagine how many rollo's I'd be eating. Even just as an experiment, even just to see what was possible. I think you would fill out, Ben, you'd actually become square-shaped because you'd fill out the room you're in now completely and you'd just be square with your head sticking out the window for breath, just to be able to breathe. For breath and rollo's.

For breath and rollo's. I would essentially be breathing rollo's, that's what I'd be getting to. But do you know what I mean? Like it kind of means it sort of stops us from doing very excessive things. So it sounds like on balance, immortality nil, death one. Big up, death. Thank you. The sweet release in the interest of renewal.

Yeah. And probably because it just, it bloody works. So the next time that you feel the cold, crabbed finger of death. Crabbed. Crabbed. That's how he's normally represented, isn't he? As a skeleton out of a black cape with a sickle and a crabbed dead hand. A crab is a crabbed pincer of death.

Pulling away the hem of your shirt or the hem of your dress. Or any of your hems, assuming you're not a hems or a hemmed item. That's why so few people wear hems, isn't it? Because of the increased risk of death when wearing a hem. Well, it's just, it's just, it's just an invitation, isn't it, to death of a thing? Grab onto this. But the next time you do feel that. Maybe just tip your hat and say, not today, but someday.

When I'm old and fall into a threshing machine. And I finished all the Grishams. Oh no, Grisham's son has now started writing Grishams under the same name as Grishams. They're now drunk, Grisham presents, even though he's long dead. That's just a team of writers. They've got nothing to do with Grisham now. God. Now they've designed a machine which can infinitely create Grishams.

You can't get a perpetual motion device, but it is possible for a machine. Give me an immortality button. Start! I always think that about herb dyeing. I think the thing that would annoy me the most is I sort of think about history and everything that's happened in the world. It's a kind of box set. And you just wouldn't find out what happens next.

I remember most box sets end disappointingly. So really it's seasons one to three is where you're getting your real gold. So I've probably had the best of the box set already. Well, we might already, but you might be season four. Your whole lifespan might be a season four lifespan. That's possible, isn't it? Yeah, that'd be bad. It feels a bit season four.

Just at the moment. You've just got to make it to season five. Yeah. Yeah. Just go easy on those bloody rollos. That's all just trying to make it to season five. Cut down on the extreme kayaking. And remember, if the earth was created at midnight,

it's currently about sort of what? 1 a.m. or 1.30? Based on the golden clock that I have in Paris. Based on the golden clock. Thank you, Henry. That's a profoundly comforting thought. Okay, time for your emails. Keep sending them in to 3beansaladpod.com.

Let's kick off with listener bollocking of the week. Accessing listener bollocking. Bollocking loading. Bollocking loaded. Dear Beans, this is from James. We've had a few emails like this. They're responding to our contention that onion doesn't tend to be foregrounded as a flavour in foods.

It's a topic that just won't die. It really won't die. We've picked up a lot of, we've picked up a lot of flak for this. You never quite know when you've struck a nerve. So just to recap, our contention was an intense to come last in the list of ingredients, cheese and onion, for example, beef and onion. It's a bit like, I suppose you could say it's a bit like,

what's the stuff that you use to stick bricks together? Mortar. Yeah, mortar. Yeah, mortar, let's say. It's been like mortar's the last thing, you know, someone's describing a house or something, or an estate agent. They'll go, lovely house, lovely windows,

it's got a nice front-facing door, conical roof. North-facing toilet. It's got these facing toilets. And, you know, multiplex kitchen, and it's got a mezzanine in the basement. And the whole thing stuck together with grouting. I mean, no, and the whole thing stuck together with mortar.

You know, people don't tend to mention it. You need it, but it's like onion in a recipe. You know, it's mortar for you, essentially. Well, you'd be ready to receive your bollocking, Henry. We've had a few emails along similar lines. James is a good example. But can I just say, before I read it out, I'm ready to bollock back.

Oh, right. New jingle. Picture a pair of bollocks, but with boxing gloves on. Boxing gloves on. And they've got little chains, they're hanging on chains on a little device on the desk of a 1980s stockbroker. One swings up, it swings down again, bash! Punches the other one, that swings up on the other side. It's a perpetual bollocking machine.

It's a perpetual bollocking machine. If it was in a vacuum, or in space. If it was in a vacuum. Okay, he says, onion gravy, French onion soup, onion bargy. I think you'll find our old friend, the onion, is unquestionably front and centre in all of these dishes. Okay, James. These side dishes.

Well, let's start with onion gravy. Now, who's going to a restaurant and ordering a lovely dish of onion gravy? That is basically buying... Can I have that as the main course, please? Yeah. That is like buying a house made of grouting, essentially. Isn't it to use that metaphor? Yeah. So, I think onion gravy we can just strike. Onion gravy.

Sorry, James, this is a return bollocking for you. It's actually quite sad. Okay. Next one. French onion soup. Well, the first word is... What's the first word there? Come on, mate. Shape it up.

Come on. You could put anything after French. You could put anything between French and soup, and I'd pay about eight quid for it. So, I think to be fair to him, I think that's the closest he's come to making a good point, but I... But the other thing about French onion soup, can I say, is the only reason anyone buys it is for that massive cheesy crouton

floating around in the top, isn't it? Yeah. The French. That's the French element, isn't it? Exactly. That's the French element. There's the cheesy crouton. Finally, onion bargey. Has there ever been a food that is more, obviously, a side and accompaniment? Yeah. Again. The onion bargey does not cannot exist in a vacuum, can it? No.

No one's had it as a main dish. No one has ever been a bit peckish of an afternoon and said, you know what, I'll just fancy something little just to keep me going. I'll have an onion bargey. Yeah. And also, if you put an onion bargey in a tube with a vacuum in it and a feather, and you turn it over, the onion bargey will actually fall faster than the feather because it's just so... such a side dish. Onion bargey, I get where he's coming from because the word onion's first. But is it supposed to be first?

Might be that that's lost in translation. Or is it just an accident of language, which is the way that you do describe a bargey is by putting a word before it? So, yeah, the fact is you just can't say bargey onion. It's just a little linguistic joke. Exactly. I think that's the issue there. Yeah. Okay. Well, hopefully that's put pay to that. So we've taken your bollocking, James. We've sent back our own bollocks

with their boxing gloves on and we've given your bollocks a battering. We've had a couple of emails about our old friend Spurbs. No, we've not had an email from Spurbs for a while. So his shadow hasn't crossed the threshold of season three yet? No. Oh, has it? Well, some of these emails may be beg to differ. Oh, gosh. We've had two. One from Nate.

Nate is from the USA. I could have guessed that. Hey, Beans, I work for the US government and I'll leave it at that. I mean, I think you know that means CIA. He gets to work in a secret lift or elevator, as they call it, doesn't he? Yeah. He's seen some stuff. Put it this way. If eyeball scanners left marks on like a panini, his eyeball would be absolutely covered.

But they don't, actually. So Nate says, we love our acronyms. And the other day in a meeting, I heard someone mention a new one. The Spurb. I didn't catch what it stood for. Needless to say, the mention of Spurb raised a hair on the back of my neck. So Spurbs has likely infiltrated the lower levels of the US government for reasons yet to be discerned.

That's already a leak, isn't it? I mean, that's our first wiki leak. Because if he's right, you know, there has been some degree of infiltration. Does this mean we all have to go and live in the Peruvian embassy or whatever it was? This is the beginnings of a huge story. Yeah, I think so. Special police unit, really bad society. Of course, the special police unit, really bad society.

Really bad society infiltrating all the way to the top. I find that chilling. So what does this mean for us going forward? I mean, are we in danger now? Like not just from Spurbs, but also from the US government? I think he's playing the slow game. Spurbs or Nate? Who is Spurbs?

Spurbs. We're playing Forty Chess now. Unless Nate is, I mean, Nate might, I mean, who knows? Nate might be tangled up in Spurbs, but not even know it. Oh my God. But there's some masterful chess move is going on. Pieces are being moved round the board. And then a final email about Spurbs.

This is from Ethan. He simply begins the email with the words, Spurbs has infiltrated, while working a seemingly normal shift at my local cooperative food in the east of England. I noticed a tall bald man strolling to the store. His face seems familiar. I paused filling the baked bean cans and filling the baked bean cans. Well, good on him.

Thank you. You very rarely see that front of shot. That's a nice touch. Maybe that's a new, yeah. Freshly poured. Yeah. Canned on the side. I paused filling the baked bean cans and stared,

trying to figure out where I'd seen that face before. Then it hit me. It was the long face of comedian, writer and cartoonist, Henry Packer. Good. What the heck? Impossible, I thought. I threw the beans on the shelf. I'm canned.

So he had candy canned them? I'm canned. Carefully followed the man pretending that I was facing up, which he says in brackets is retail slang. I think that means when you turn around the cans, so they all face the right way. I watched him as his basket began filling with snack bar, nuts and dairy milk.

However, unless Henry has left his metropolitan base and has taken to frequenting co-ops in Cambridgeshire at nine o'clock on a Thursday, we have an imposter. So someone's pretending to be me in a co-op? Well, Henry, have you been eating the co-ops? I didn't think so. I didn't think I bought a dairy milk for a long time, so I didn't think so. That wasn't the question.

Okay, so the rest of my comments will be through Michael Weil. Are you going to do a no comment podcast? The rest of my comments will be through my lawyer. Okay, at this point, let's just say a big thank you to everyone who signed up for the Patreon, which we launched a couple of weeks ago. We've been absolutely overwhelmed by how many of you have come to Cambridgeshire, and it means a lot for us. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Amazing. Thank you so much. And of course, those who sign up at the Sean Bean tier. Which is the premium offering. You get a shout out on the podcast. That's how we described it. What we didn't tell you is that you actually get free entry into the Sean Bean lounge.

And we were at the Sean Bean lounge last night, where some of the new inductees were, you know, they were putting their hand through the curtain, pulling it to one side of the velvet curtain. To find the secondary layer of velvet curtains. Yeah, it's another layer of velvet curtains. With the velvet gloves that we gave them. To the velvet gloves. We don't want to crimp the velvet.

Yeah. Then it's the leather layer. Then it's the leather layer. The fine buffed leather. And then it's through the jeweled sequins. The jeweled sequins. And then you're presented with a 15 foot thick titanium wall. And how are they getting through the titanium wall?

If they are a Sean Bean tier member, they will have two keys. And a blowtorch. And a blowtorch. And a book of riddles. On a velvet cushion in front of them. And they can put all those down and they can walk through the door through the titanium wall. Which is always open. And they can pick up that stuff on the way back out if they want it.

And it was a heady evening last night. I mean, we're going to spread the shout outs across the series of things. Well, it was the inaugural. It was a big one, wasn't it? It was a who's who down there, wasn't it? It was... Oh, there was music and canapes. There were illegal craps games.

A couple of FBI raids. There were legal craps games. We had to use the... Because there's a button you push. There's a speak easy button, isn't it? Where if we get raided, we can press it and everything flips round. And it becomes a Rhyman's. So it's a functioning stationery shock with

printer paper, pens, highlighters. And it's amazing to watch the FBI agents get totally confounded. Oh, they're so confounded. They're also instantly taken in by some of the deals for some of the pens. Well, yeah, they've got... Self-propelling pencils. Really cheap. Three for two on hole punchers.

Two for one on staplers. And there's leveraged files. Are, you know, proper, proper files that, you know, there's nothing... There's nothing you can really add to that. It's a functioning Rhyman's. And there's Dennis and Carol who are working there. And for them, because they signed up thinking they were working in a Rhyman's, they didn't know it was a speak easy style flipperoo deception Rhyman's.

So when it flips round, do they flip with the rest of the stuff, or are they then in the... Well, it's difficult. They're flipped down. They're flipped down the other side. Are they in the act there in like the flip... They're sort of dangling with it now upside down. Flip charts. They're upside down flip charts.

Obviously, all the pens will fall out of the... They'll have a lot of work to do. They'll have a lot of work to do in between. And also, when the flip happens, if they're not... There's three or four designated positions around the Rhyman's, they have to be standing in for when the flip happens. If not, and sadly, we've lost 15 or 16. Or you get crushed into a baby grand on the way back.

You get absolutely crushed to buggery as it flips round. Jill was completely cubed, wasn't she? Jill was cubed. And with Peter... Well, with Peter, it's hard to say where Peter ends, and where he can have an open casket at the funeral, as long as his necks of kin don't mind the fact that there's 58 higher depends sticking out of his skull.

You know, we met some of the Sean Bean team members last night at the lounge. Scott Robertson was there. Thank you, Scott. Thanks, Scotty. Absolute life and soul, that guy. He was on fire, wasn't he, which was... He was glittering. It was a shame that, luckily, because when the Rhyman's flips back,

a lot of the rotring, the fine architectural pens, well, they've got... Well, they can rub together, they can explode, essentially. And it set fire to him, didn't it? But luckily, he was put out rapidly by, what's he called the other guy? By Daniel Flanagan. Daniel Flanagan, that's right, he was there. Quick reflexes on our Daniel Flanagan.

Quickly reflexes. Absolutely, because he was in the middle of making a... He's called in a crisis. A Dutch burrito, which is a multi-level cocktail. And luckily, he, quick as a flash, he poured a mixture of absinthe and whiskey onto... Onto him, didn't he? It's on the Scotman's. He actually intensified the flames for a short time.

And thank goodness that there was the other guy. Melanie Anderson was there. Melanie Anderson's to hand. Melanie Anderson, yeah. Yeah. Well, she doesn't go anywhere without a fire blanket, does she? She doesn't go anywhere without a fire blanket. That's one of the things about her.

So she bops it on and the party continued, it was so... And of course, finally, we were joined by Kevin Moran, who... That party trick. Extraordinary. And yes, he does turn himself literally inside out. It's not an optical illusion, he is literally inside out. It's a fleeting second. Watching him turn himself inside out as the whole lounge flips out to become a Reimans

was like an incredible sort of clockwork. It was so much of going on at the same time. Amazing. Extraordinary. So thank you to all those guys for signing up at the Sean Bean Tea. Thank you. Yeah, it was a shout out. There are many more of you, but we will tell you, yeah,

about other people who are coming into the Sean Bean Lounge, you know. You'll get your invite in the post for the Sean Bean Lounge. It was quite a night. It was quite a night, but I tell you what, the next morning, because obviously we go and clean it up the next morning, it's pretty grim in there actually, isn't it? Well, I just hose it out basically, don't I? We just hose it through, but the amount of...

...of effluence and it was just, I think I found a teeth from at least three different heads I found in there. Okay, now it's time to sort out the theme tune. Thanks to everyone who sent in a version of our theme tune. We've had some very good ones if you are moved to do so. And you don't have to have a great amount of musical talent. We've had good, you know, they've been of a high quality so far, but I don't want anyone to feel put off if it's just you humming it with a dog farting in the background.

That is perfectly acceptable. So we've got a few to choose from. We haven't had any new ones in from the series, but we've got some left over. Okay, so I'm going to read out the genres and you can pick a genre, okay? So we've got Ambient Trombone. Okay. Bladeback Modern Jazz.

Lovely. Violin. Not strictly a genre, but carry on. Bluegrass. Yeah, always interested in that. Or Jazzy Winebar version. I'm interested in all the above, but I think you've had me at Ambient Trombone. Okay, so this is sent in by TS.

TS writes, I've made an ambient trombone version of your theme tune. Should sound pretty much the same, whether it's played forwards or backwards, or don't worry if you're putting the tape in upside down by mistake. Thank you, TS. So we'll play that out. Lovely, thanks, yes. Thank you for listening.

Goodbye. Cheerio. Bye. You