Three Bean Salad - Interior Design

Episode Date: December 11, 2024

Most of us can only dream of the splendour of the internal spaces occupied by London’s elite. A lucky few might have a neighbour who’s made it big on the pools, bought one of those glossy magazines with photos of a Londoner in their parlour and invited the whole street round to have a squiz. This week on the Three Bean Salad Podcast, the beans are knocking dreams and glossy magazines into cocked hat as their very own topflight Londoner gives the inside scoop on some of his earliest interior design choices. With thanks to Lynne from Highbury (also London of course) for picking interior design as this week’s topic du week (as they say in London one imagines).Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladWith thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Merch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [e-mail] @beansaladpod

Hello. Hello. Before we go any further, I need to ask the question that the audience is asking in their heads. Have you found egg? Egg remains in the wind. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Yeah, yeah, yeah, we've we've been we've been calling in the local the local bad boys drifters reptilian drifters have been stopped incarcerated Interrogated egg if people don't know egg eggers are missing tortoise. Yeah, not Mike's tortoise Mike's next-door neighbors Bob and Ruth but so the hope hope is that eggers eggers found a really nice cozy spot in one of the nearby gardens to hibernate. But we don't know. There's no evidence of foul play anywhere. No. No. Although they do say that in 90% of cases, it will be somebody that Egg knows. It's usually a first degree relative. That's right. I mean, there have been sightings in Malawi, South Africa, Bangladesh.

We think these are all these are all bogus. They're all they're all unconfirmed aren't they? Yeah. He's also popped up on the bio tapestry. We thought it was Haley's Comet, but if you look closely. Yeah, it could actually be egg or it's a it's a Norman or a beheaded Norman soldier, isn't it? Because a helmet with a couple of eyes poking out, is basically the definition of a decapitated Norman Soldier.

And also basically what a tortoise is, isn't it? And people may have been surprised last night, you know, when on Love Island, it was announced that a hot new tortoise enters the villa. That wasn't egg. It wasn't egg. Yeah, as far as we can tell at least. It was extraordinary actually to see so much fake tan on the tortoise.

Yes, it hadn't really taken properly, had it? It was poorly judged. It was sort of clumpy, wasn't it? Clumpy and wet. Because they shouldn't use normal, they should use a varnish really, a tortoise, that's how you... A human...

Yeah, fake tan. Otherwise it won't take. Well, that's bad news, Mike. Hopefully not. Yes. I remain optimistic. We will in the community. I mean, the, the atmosphere, the vigils is positive every night.

And it is, it is getting colder. I know, I know that winter proper has come now because my, my morning moustaches is gathering dew on my early morning walks with Pamela. And those like ice over I assume. They will ice over very, very quickly if you're not careful. Gosh. Because you imagine now like the eggs owners must be really kicking themselves that they

didn't glue on a GoPro, which every tortoise owner goes through that, shall we glue on a GoPro? Yeah. Should we put a webcam on it? Just for insurance reasons or for just streaming entertainment. There's so many reasons to do it. Why would you not do it? Get a dash cam for your tortoise. This is the message.

And why not double up and get a dry ice machine at the same time? Is it? There's nothing. There's nothing. Because most of them are already high-fied, aren't they, these days? They are these days, exactly. They're high-fied and Wi-Fi'd. But I tell you what, a tortoise makes a heck of an entrance when they've got dry ice sticking out of them. So they make a heck of an entrance into a living room. But of course you will also then want a, you'll then want a fire alarm on that tortoise as well because it

would be very hard to tell if it's on fire. For safety reasons. Or not. Yeah, the carbon monoxide detector. The carbon monoxide detector. So actually, often a tortoise will be carrying through four times its own weight in atoms, won't it? Well, because obviously with all that stuff, it means you do need a small air conditioning

unit as well. That's right. Otherwise it's just worse for health and safety, isn't it? Propellers. Yea or nay. That's the big one, isn't it? It's good for getting the dry ice out in front of it so that it can emerge from it. That's right, but it'll then shoot the tortoise backwards, won't it? Assuming the tortoise is mounted onto a set of roller blades, which I'm assuming.

We're all doing that as standard now. Now, in your understanding of the terrapin to tortoise spectrum, where would you say egg sits on it? Because I know it's very much a spectrum, isn't it? Egg is full tortoise. Okay. Can you cross breed? This is a genuine question. Could you crossbreed a tortoise and a turtle? Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know why you'd want to. I don't know what the advantage is. Mike, have you no curiosity for the world? For a sort of slightly ineffective swimming flipper.

You create the first completely amphibious tortoise. I know that's what a turtle is. So if you took something, because a tortoise could only exist on land, a turtle can exist on sea and land. If you combine them, you'll create an animal which can exist on sea, land and land. Cross a turtle with a seagull. Absolutely, I'm listening. Yeah. I'm investing.

I'm all the way. What are the skills of a tortoise? Beyond rapid learning. Patience? Endless patience. They seem like the sort of animal that probably, if you knew about them, it would turn out that they're surprisingly ruthless. Tortoises will actually kill their own uncles for sport.

Yeah, the only animals that do that. I made a boring purchase yesterday. You know, there's kind of boring adult purchases that you have to do. Each time I do them, I just feel such resentment that I'm not spending money on something fun. Which is how I thought about money when I was 14, right? Which is like, I've got £10. I will buy the latest album from Coldplay.

Yeah. Or whatever. Which in turn will socially give me the keys to the kingdom. Exactly. Whereas obviously when you're an adult, you just have to spend money on stuff that's just... You're getting no... You're getting nothing. You're getting no buzz. You're getting no retail buzz.

And I think I found the ultimate one, which is four new tires for your car. Four? Four. What great fun. Spending a load of money on four new tires so that your car goes back to being exactly like it was about a year ago, which is exactly the same as what it's like now basically. It's just the worst use of money I've ever, do you know what I mean? I just felt so aggrieved.

Yeah. I know it well. It's just the worst use of money I've ever, do you know what I mean? I just felt so aggrieved. Yeah. I know it well. I know it. Yeah. Cause you're not, they're not, they're not luxury tires, are they? They're not tires that are going to improve your social status. No. Although weirdly I then got sucked into because it's tires.

It's like, well, you don't want to get shit tires, do you? Cause otherwise you'll die and all of your passengers will die. So you do need to get the good ones don't you? And you're like, yeah I ought to spend, I ought to get the good ones. Yeah, but are you really saying dangerous tyres? Are some of your tyres actually dangerous? Well exactly! And also if I was driving the car, if I died at the same time as they died, technically would I know that I died? Or that they died? It's kind of like, it's a bit of a free hit I'm going to say.

Can I have the cheapest possible ones? Guaranteed I will die. Guaranteed lethal tyres. We've got tyres that have been part of a bonfire. You know what? I'm going to go sans tyre. I'm going to drive this car sans tyre. I'm going to go commando. I'm going to raw dog it. And actually create by chewing up the streets like that and possibly... Tram network. Wales' biggest tram network.

Wales's biggest tram network. That just goes to the places I like to drive to. Biggest and tramless, most tramless tram network. It would go straight from the Bondshamer's house to the local Carvery and back. So many times that they become the deepest tram rails ever excavated. But the thing is, every purchase, this is the way capitalism bloody works, right? Play the jingle. Play the how capitalism bloody works jingle.

Because you were trying to describe a kind of lifeless, like, totally like dry purchase where you've just got to buy it, you buy it, there's no emotional zero dopamine, but actually the way capitalism works is it looks for the opportunities to sell you more, doesn't it? Always. I'm always very easily upsold in these things. I'm the guy who comes away from an MOT service with always with like new windscreen wipers and pockets full of other windscreen wipers. Mike, that's because we know now that you are one of the nation's biggest patsies. Which is why I think we could, can we release this? Can we say this now?

You're taking part in next year's Reance documentary on channel for nation's biggest patsies. I've got it sewn up. Prince Edward's in there, isn't he? But we keep the economy going. The whole thing is presented by Patsy Klein. Is Patsy Klein alive? Patsy Klein died in 1963. You never know though. If you don't ask. I should have said Patsy Palmer. But Mike you're one of the nation's biggest You never know though if you don't ask. I should have said Patsy Palmer.

But Mike you're one of the nation's biggest Patsies. Okay, exhibit A. The fact that you have a windscreen wiper guy comes around your house every like 24 hours. No, I mean a... A Geordie windscreen wiper salesman. Yeah, I just leave cash in a mug by the door these days. He doesn't even knock. Yeah, I've heard you've got an ATM attached to your front door that he can unlock with his own facial recognition that you can get into.

That accesses your children's future education. I have to keep shoveling it in from the back. I have to keep loading it. Because you know, you are, you might, you're a bit of a patsy. Yeah, full blown patsy. People see you coming for this kind of stuff because you tie in when people say you've got to join the club, give us your email, become a subscriber, you tend to go for it, don't you?

You've done this with window cleaners. How often is your window cleaner coming around? I don't know. I'm in no control of that. It's up to him. But he's constantly doing it, isn't he? So it's like the fourth bridge. It's none of my business.

People in this country and in others, people are always trying to say, let's get, let's get money to the regions. Right. Trying to start up entrepreneurial hubs and all that kind of stuff. And they think we should do it in Leeds because it's a long way away from London. It's the wrong approach. They just need to find the patsies because we are very good for the con. If you go on the map pinpoint like hot patsy spots, concentrations of patsies, just start anything there and the money is going to be it's all flowing. Do you know what I mean?

It's all flowing straight away. Yeah. We're a useful focal point. It's patsy politics. It's patsy politics. That's second of wakes. In the world of tires then. So there's always a patsy options in there.

So, so there will be, I hate this moment in a retail relationship when the person says to you, well, of course, Henry, you could buy these ordinary sandals. But I would recommend you buying some tires, to be honest, because. Sorry, I'm recovering from a cold. I'm at the weird stage where I'm absolutely fine. Except when I love my, my laugh and my. You got some stuff to shift up straight down the mic.

Turn away from the micro. I'm absolutely fine with it. But I've still got, but the cough's getting deeper. Yeah. So please excuse Henry's great depression style cough. It will improve. It's a real throwback. Yeah.

I know I hate it where they, when they give you the three options, like, they always go for the fourth option with me. That's the trouble. But they didn't even bring out the fourth with, but they always bring out the fourth option. They see you as the fourth option. These times we'll even work on an Alpine Scree. I'd better get them then just in case.

My family just in case, Pam's in the car and we have to go up on Alpine Scree. I mean, and of course it's your family, so I don't want to make a decision for you, but of course if you, you know, if you did want to fully protect them, of course you would also buy the matching Fez fez set wouldn't you? You'd probably want them all wearing the fez before you get them in the car. The vulcanised fez. It's a vulcanised pearly fez yeah. But of course actually maybe some things, actually maybe that's my mistake, maybe some things are more important than peace of mind, actually.

Obviously we can insure the vulcanised fez. It's £73 a week. Yeah, that's right. And actually, we offer you a choice of four types of insurance for the vulcanised fez. Do you want to insure your warranty? I mean, you don't have to. Again, how important is peace of mind? Look at this footage we play on loop here from people during the Vietnam War.

They don't have peace of mind. Maybe it's not that bad. They offer you three options, right, with anything. Minimum of three. So they do it with glasses when you want to. Okay, so you just think you're buying some glasses and then you're like, right, so do you want the kind of glass where you can see through it all the way through it? Do you want to see it? Do you want reflective glass? So that means you'll be able to see through it, but only your own eyes. You'll be looking into your eyes the whole time. Or do you want glass that's a bit like that glass on the Pink Floyd album where everything's a rainbow, just slightly refracted, the refracto set? Or or you want clear and clean. And, and, and so what happens is

it puts you in a situation where you feel either you're letting yourself down. So it offers you sadness, the offering you thought I'm buying some specs and then they give you an option where you can feel shit about yourself now after buying these specs if you want. So you've got that option or you've got, Oh, maybe indulge yourself. Maybe you are worth it. Maybe push the boat out, but then you're going to sort of hate yourself a bit. Caramel coated by caramel, dipped in purest dark, caramel cacao.

Or just the kind of average one in the middle where you'll just feel a bit drab. Yes. You're right. Everything has its industry. Doesn't it? Everything has its. So what did you say? What happened with you, Ben?

I went for premium tyres. Did you? So you went for the top. So did you not get some dopamine at least then a feeling that at least, you know, at least you weren't buying the normal tyres. No, cause I felt like a mug. You felt like a mug. Yeah.

But can you put a price on your own safety? Okay. No, you're right. I can't put a price. You're right. There is no limit. So I want you to make me a suit made out of tires because I'm going to encase myself in tire matter and everyone I love.

So I want a house. I'm going to put every... Of course you're right. You can't put a price on safety. so everything is getting funneled into safety now! All my savings! Any kind of pension thing I'm going to have... Darling, get the kids out of school now, they're coming home immediately! Get them home now! Don't just put each one of them into a tyre and roll them home, don't drive them home!

Everything now is safety, safety, safety! Okay, so first of all, we have to kill everyone we know. We have to kill! Kill everyone we know and love. So we can process their body fibres and matter and sell their produce to help our safety. Then we have to build a kind of, encase ourselves in rubber. In a Motten Bailey rubber castle. In a Motten Bailey inverse castle that goes underground that points downwards. With the archers firing in.

In case of inverse attack. That doesn't make sense, does it? Because by that logic, yeah, of course, just never leave the house. Never, never take any kind of risk. Yeah. So where do you draw the line? Oh God. line. Oh god. Okay, let's turn on the beam machine by Lin from Highbury. Is interior design. Ooh. Hello. Finally, Henry's passion. Finally.

You know what? I feel like I've been wearing handcuffs and leg cuffs and I've been, well, hog tied, so both behind my, so cuffed behind my back. Yeah. As you would with a hog, yes. That would be impossible with a hog. Yes. Just imagine if you had to arrest a hog. That's why it doesn't happen very often.

And I feel like I've been the back of a pickup truck, probably driven by like Plemmons, big character, like a Hick character being driven around by the kind of character that Clemmons would get Oscar nom for, for playing, but not by Clemmons himself. I'd love that playing, but not by Clemens himself. I'd love that. Best supporting actor. Best supporting actor. Yeah. Let's not get just doing a bit of method research for the role.

I feel like I've been driven around in that situation, around the deep South of America with people occasionally with, I don't know, just like chucking a, chucking a cow put on my head, getting rained on. That's what it's felt like doing this podcast until now. And now it's like, you know what, we're gonna unhook tie you. We're not gonna go straight from from hogtie to untie we go hogtie to swine tied. Piglet girdled. We'll do it step by step. Boar swaddled. Briefly boar swaddled.

But now I feel free. I'm off the back of the transit van. I'm in a lovely pair of vulcanised rubber sandals. And I just feel free. This is a lovely moment for me. Free to visualise interiors. Free to visualise interiors. Extraordinary interiors.

I've always been my passion. visualise interiors. Faire to visualise interiors. Extraordinary interiors. Always been my passion. Well, interior design, is that the? Yeah, interior design. It's not a topic about which I think very often. No, well, in terms of what you've done with the area behind you. In terms of what the three of us have done. What we can see on our cameras.

I think I'm already getting a sense that, sorry Mike, that was very, very cruel of me. I've just moved my head out of the way so that the other two can see that there is a hook behind me upon which I've hung a backpack and a little shopping bag. That's true. You see? So actually I've made my own little mark there. It's almost like so minimal, Mike, the way you've done it. So subtle. Yeah.

And you've got a, you've got one of those buried in withdrawn lights, scenic lights, haven't you? Oh, the really unpleasant light above my head. The recessed. Yeah. The recessed, extremely bright. Yeah. Really sort of slowly boils my face every time.

It's so bright, Mike. It's creating, it's creating that kind of lens flare for me, looking at you through the camera. I've got that weird effect they use in movies sometimes. It's making quiff shadows fall on my forehead. I don't know if you can spot that. It is creating a real sense. That's how powerful it cuts through.

It's really unpleasant. It's hugely unpleasant. I mean incredibly unflattering. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. And that's the kind of bulb you use to keep a sausage warm on like a Premier in buffet, isn't it? Exactly. They were setting them in the bargain bin.

Yeah. They were just trying to get rid because they're not safe for sausages. They're certainly not safe for office rooms or studies either. Well, the thing is, it's actually, a lot of them are actually oven filaments. So it's not designed to light, it's designed to cook. It's a lighting lamp, yeah. Those, a lot of them are actually oven, they're actually oven filaments. So it's not designed to light, it's designed to cook. Isn't it? It's a lighting lamp. Yeah.

But it doesn't, but it cooks too intensely that that would, that would fry the outside of a sausage, but the inside might not be cooked. Yeah. That's why by the end of the time we finished recording, every time up the back of my head, that'll slough away so nice. You just got to run a fork through it and it just sloughs away. So right now you easily and quite be quite nice. You just got to run a fork through it and it just always sloughs away. So right now you easily and quite be quite nice. You could a little bit of barbecue sauce on your forehead. You could bite into that. You could literally eat your face. Anyone could eat your

face right now. Like ribs, like prime ribs. You just put, just pull it off. It'll come away in your fingers. It'll just come away soft and buttery. But luckily it then, it then slowly uncooks as you leave the room. Yes, because the house is very cold. Well, because all the energy that's being spent keeping that bulb alive. It costs a huge amount of money. All of our resources have had to send the children to work. Pam's gone on the game. It's a tough time for all of us, but we do need to turn that light on, otherwise I'm

in the dark for podcasts. Looking around the room I'm in, all you can see is a bare white wall. But if you look from the other angle, basically when I moved into this house, this was a little boy's bedroom. Yeah. And it's now my little kind of office room. Yeah. And it was Batman themed. Nice. Why would you change that? Hey, you didn't say it was a cool kid. Nice, why would you change that? Hey, you didn't say it was a cool kid. I like the sound of this kid. So, cool Batman stuff, so did you get rid of it? Well no, so what I'm looking at is painted sort of like Batman grey.

Yeah, I genuinely, on Saturday, it ran around about a man drove past me in an actual Batmobile. No. Like a car made to look as much like the Batmobile as humanly possible and he was dressed in a full Batman. Was it David Jason? I don't know. But he was going for the Nolan level, like it was kind of like hard rubber, kind of, you know, tough guy, abs and pecs kind of Batman costume I would hate to meet that guy it's just on the

Saturday afternoon just driving about on the outskirts of Exeter Ben you would hate to meet him because you find Batman an intimidating idea yeah okay Batman is cool that guy was cool your bedroom previously had a cool look. The room you're in. Yeah. Yeah. Batman is cool. It felt like a man, because I bet he was probably a similar age to me, but I felt like a man who'd, who'd kept a promise he made to himself at the age of eight, you know? And we have to emphasize it to people. those promises are not legally binding. You really don't have to.

And his promise he made his eight year old was, you're going to modify a car in such a way that you can't tell your insurance company about it. Beyond that, the remit is entirely open. You can do it however you want, as long as your insurance company cannot find out about it. And that is because it will contravene a small print on the insurance policy. You will have to keep it in lockup that your family doesn't know about. You will have to tell your spouse that you're going to... it's another meeting of the squash ladder. That's where you're going. No one can possibly know where you're going.

Yeah. I assume he was on his way to pick up Robin. Perhaps. I don't know. I should have followed him. But he was literally in a Batmobile and I was in a, you know, like a Hyundai Atem with a big old Christmas tree on the top. So I mean, I don't, for a start, like surveillance would have been tricky and that would have been quite slow. So Mike, you on your way back from buying a Christmas tree. Yeah. Were you patsy hard at the Christmas tree forest? Oh, big time.

I was upsold all the way to the 18 footer. We can't fit it in the house. It's a super patsy arena. Ben, you're so right. The Christmas tree's such a showroom. There was a man called Padraig at the Christmas tree. He was a listener. Oh, he's a listener. Pompidou discount? He was a good guy. No, he didn't give me a discount. I didn't try Pompadou discount. Where I did get upsold later on was because I realized our Christmas tree stand was, was knackered. So I needed to get a new one and, and, and being Q upsold me big time. He upsold me big time.

What did you end up with? I ended up with a sort of a contraption I did not need that has a special pedal, a series of binding wires. A pedal? It's got a little sort of thing that sort of pops up when you've put enough water in it and goes up further if you've put like a sausage roaster. Have you bought another sausage roaster? I bought another sausage roaster. You don't need to roast sausages. It swore to me that it had been accidentally mis-packaged and that's why I was having to write Christmas tree stand on it in pencil while I came over. So were you not upsold the 16 foot square of Scandinavian forest floor? I've got all of that, all of that's been installed now.

Yes, and of course, it's completely up to you. You could buy one of these sad em emaciated trees, because for some people Christmas isn't supposed to be a fun time of year. And we totally understand that here. A theme of winter is death, of course, death and the interests of renewal. That's fine. Perhaps that's the angle you want to celebrate. You know, and it's very rare that a tree drops its needles and then your dog eats

it and dies. That doesn't happen very often. So you don't need one of these. To be honest, I mean, is a dog really a part of the family? It's not really, is it? It's an intruder. You might see your dog as a form of intruder. So genuinely, what are the upselling options you get with Christmas trees?

So you can go for a non-drop, which is a slightly more expensive breed, I think. The Nordmann fur. Yes. Although some people like the drop because you get more aroma. Is that? You get more aroma off a non- Off a dropper. Off a dropper.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, so it's smell versus drop, isn't it? Yeah. Someone will pop us some sort of Scandi based adjective on the front, and with a certain section. If they're telling you this is like a Norwegian or a sort of Finnish.

A Norwegian tundra fur. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then you're talking double the price straight away. Yes. You can go for the, yeah, the Julens dropper, the Julens, you can go for the more expensive, slightly more expensive Julendorf. Or you can have this Berkshire Minj, it's up to you. Which one would you like? Actually we do have these I don't love my family more. Honestly they're not that much less good. They're not that flammable. That's right, it's just part of the I don't love my family more. I think it's a Norwegian word, I don't love my family. Or the slightly cheaper, I really

don't love my family. Even cheaper. Those ones are actually perfectly fine. Yeah. Obviously size of tree. Yes. I mean, mine came from a Chinese factory. Pre-lit plastic number. Tree for life. Yeah. Did you get, is it, is get, is it imitating the trees? Is it green or have you got one of the kind of funky silvery ones with inbuilt lights

on the works? It's got inbuilt lights, but it's trying to look like a tree. Is this one that you bought like years ago and you just get it out of mothballs every two years? I put it two years ago. I wouldn't eat it. Sorry, I wouldn't eat mothballs. I was just imagining it has some sort of organic element that a moth could eat. Sorry. The moth would be killed.

In fact, the whole thing operates as a mothball effectively. You can actually put it amongst your clothes and stuff to deter moths because it's that chemically violent, isn't it? And it's that sense of chemical violence, isn't it, Ben? That you like around the yule tide. Yeah, you have to install it by an open window, don't you, because of the constant vapours. Of course, because Ben, a lot of people get a bit dewy-eyed on Christmas Day, it's quite a warm time, but for you it's because you're literally crying, aren't you? Because the amount of acid, the acid content in the air is so high, isn't it, around the tree?

You don't have a con-drunk-tiver anymore. It's gone. It's sloughed off. I bought it on Christmas Eve two years ago. Okay. As if the story couldn't get any more Grinchy. Alright, I'll go and get one. Please get me out of the house for an hour. Jesus Christ.

So close, so close to the truth. Yes, I'll get one of those long life hard plastic Christmas puddings as well. A display pudding, yes, a display-crackable crackers, please. That's right, the crackers that are made of solid stone. I don't care if they're cold to the touch, doesn't matter. I also bought this on the same trip, because this was reduced because it was Christmas Eve. I bought this. Hang same trip because this was reduced because it was Christmas Eve. I bought this.

Hang on. What? What is that? A three foot outline of a luminous penguin. It said Leon Penguin. Ben, I can't believe you've had someone hand make the chalk drawing for that penguin you murdered. It's a outline of a dead penguin murder. Made light.

So Ben, talk me through that. Well, it's just a simple neon penguin. I was down on Christmas Eve, it was reduced to like nine quid. I thought, well, you know. I don't know what I meant here. Oh, you know, they're not going to be happy about the Christmas tree and bringing it back. But wait until I've seen this. I think my interior decor sort of style, my natural style, I think got embedded in me

when I lived in a flat share in Barron's Court. So we had a few, I think both of you came to that flat. Yeah, many times. I remember it well. Yeah. Do you know what I liked, Henry? The heavily moulded bottom ceiling. Do you mean moulded or mouldy? Mouldy. Just happens to have mould. It was not mouldy. It was so mouldyy people thought it might have actually been moulded.

You're right, people got confused. But the lovely thing about that, it was so thought through that from the get-go you knew the deal, right? Because you'd open the front door, which felt like it was quite a large front door, but it felt like it could fall off at any time. And yours was quite, was it on the second floor? I can't quite remember if it was second or third. It was the top, maybe second or third.

Yeah. So, and then you'd go up the stairs with carpeted, of course, hallway and stairs, a lovely kind of once thick, now perpetually damp carpet that you'd feel your feet squelching into. There was a lot of perpetual dampness. And up you went, very untrustworthy banister. Oh god, that was so untrustworthy. It was so untrustworthy, that banister. But it's put you in the right mode before you even got to the flat. It's a very clever

bit of interior design. You knew exactly where you were and what you were dealing with from the get-go. Yeah, and you'd had three landings on which to change your mind if you wanted to. Each one more damp than the last. And if you wanted to leave at any point you could just simply kick through any of the soft, soft walls. You could kick your way out of there. And leap to earth on the other side.

Yeah. Or if you just jumped up and down on the spot enough, you could just go through the floor underneath and so on. You could easily, yeah. It was sort of mouldy, inedible wafer house. To be honest, Elon Musk, if you're listening, if you want only to chat about how to create an artificial atmosphere and perpetual moistness on Mars, then we could maybe have some chats because that place had its own atmosphere. It was so damp you could feel the spores going into your mouth. Don't change any of the carpets. Make sure you never wash that towel in the bathroom.

Never wash that towel. It's unclear who's using that towel and what it's being used for. It certainly wouldn't advise you to dry your hands on it after you've washed your hands. Good luck finding hand soap anyway. Right? There's so many bacteria on that towel it would basically be a genocide if you washed that towel. Because it's got its own microbiome. I don't even need to eat yoghurt anymore. You basically are yoghurt. I basically am. And Marmite at the same time. I've got a huge affection for the memory of that flat to be honest.

Yeah, me too. Fun times we had. A few little design choices we had in that flat that people noted at the time. One was in the kitchen, we had an open bin. Did save time though, didn't it? Yeah, so we could keep on watching The Sopranos again. We had an open bin and the open bin... Like an open bin policy, was that the idea? It was an open bin policy.

It was an open bin policy. It actually was an open bin policy because we discussed it. We almost had a flat meeting where we decided on the open bin. It was a choice. It's just modern living, isn't it? Yeah. I'm going to call the person I lived with, bomped. Yeah, I remember bomped. bumped, bumped, bumped said to me, basically, we had a conversation where we felt we had a problem which was so it was one of those bins which has a triangular sort of helmet at the top with a with a flappy flap with a flap. Yeah. So basically what we felt was there was a problem, which

was a food on the way down through the flap hits the flap hits the flap. So you end up with a grotty flap and also tea bags thrown at the bin. How hard do you throw them? And you were throwing them hard and almost also how much of a hurry again are we in in our lives with throwing teabags at bins? But teabags thrown at the bin would adhere, sometimes not even would adhere to that stain it not always fall through. Yeah, occasionally you could try with a cluster of five or six teabags that had been left by the kettle on the work service because that's right on those occasions they simply lost time even to try and put them in the bin.

Well sometimes you'd really pepper at Mafia execution style. And so we decided or at least I think it was bumped decision this but bumped decided that for hygiene reasons it was safer to not have a lid on the bin because the lid was becoming so dirty. Master of spin. You can always, anything can be spun. Yeah. But put it this way, I'm not going to say who Bomp went on to be, but it was Dominic Cummings. And he wants to know lid to the country, doesn't he? Let's take the lid off Britain.

Let's take off the vital services. Keep this country going because they're actually holding it back. No, bump, bump didn't go on to become Dominic Cummings. There was a woman who lived there as well who I don't think I ever met. That was a girlfriend of a resident three. Resident three was always a bit more aloof, I think because he actually had a proper job, right? Whereas you and Bumped, we sort of bumped all the time.

We were just bumping around. A couple of Lelouch Barons called Dandies. I was doing so little at the time, but I was so time efficient. I had the phone number of a local kebab place, so I'd call them in advance and put my order in so I wouldn't have to wait. I've never had that deal with any other kebab place before. It was a great, great thing though. I'd call them up and say, yeah, meat kebab. It's Henry. Don't worry, I wouldn't screw you. I'm good for it. I'm good for it. Yeah. So that was a sub. I remember friends

would come in. I remember a friend of mine once actually hurt my feelings. He came in, he said, God, I couldn't. I couldn't live like a friend of mine said that to me was really hurt. So I couldn't live like this. What do you mean? You went, you're an open bin. And that really sort of, I don't know, really had an effect on me that I've heard people do job people look at your people look at your decor choices. Yeah. And they make judgments about yeah. Yeah. And that's what happened with that person. That says that flat that flat was so grim. I mean, I've told the story already on this podcast about the carpet that was so dirty, it was almost clean again. Because the basically the filaments on the, on the carpet.

So filaments are supposed to stick upwards and outwards like the mustache on Mike's face, healthy, glossy, glowing, glossy, with a deep fibrous warmth. So this business is like that a bit like, um, you know, like, like, um, seeing enemy, you know, like, is that seen enemy? Yeah. Something underwater, just like float like float upwards the hairs. So I'm on the carpet in that flat. The hairs had become so flattened over time and so soft, so much grime had gone

into them and fats, cause obviously the human, but the human being, they're starting to grow down into the flat below. Yeah, exactly. Pretty much. It was starting to reverse the other way. You're growing carpet. They had to say, had to see, they had a ceiling carpet, but ceiling carpet but it was our carpet which turned into a long lengthy legal dispute they're supposed to because and obviously they fill up with grime and fats because a human being

is just a living we're living sausages aren't we we're living so we deposit fats in the same way that a dead sausage does yeah especially if you can get meat kebab in your pants or just run it again on top of the carpet. Wearing nothing around your midriff except for what looks like it used to be the lid section of a bin. Doesn't seem possible, does it? Tied on with old gaffer tape. So the filaments, the tendrils, the hairs of the carpet as well had become so flattened over time, so flattened and flattened and flattened and flattened again and flattened

again, they'd actually become like shiny tiles. So we did the whole thing, clean again. It was really weird. It was shiny. It was so dirty. It was shiny. Things being shiny doesn't mean it's clean. That's a fatal mistake.

So but so the bathroom was particularly horrendous in there. It was like having to have a shit inside a giant mushroom omelette. But a cold one, because it was always cold. Even in the height of summer. The bathroom was freezing cold. How can this omelette be so cold and yet so overcooked and yet so sweaty. But there was just a sense that everything was full of protein and spores and everything felt a bit alive in there. But yes, I tried to repaint that bathroom. That was one that I just thought I've got to deal with this

place. I'm going to repaint the bloody bathroom. I'm going to do it. And I learned that you just, you can't, you you just you can't do that. How's that? Yeah, how's it going to take? I mean, what what substance is going to take on any of those services? Yeah. And also, I went and bought paint, and it wasn't the right kind of paint anyway. And the paint, it was like it was it was like a nightmare. You know, like when you're a nightmare, and you're trying to do something, it just won't work. Like, you're trying to close a door, but the door is made of fudge, the handles made of fudge, you're made of f something, it just won't work. Like you're trying to close a door, but the door is made of fudge, the handle's made of fudge, you're made of fudge, the door doesn't just go through the threshold.

You know, like nothing, it was falling. The paint just wouldn't go on. It was a nightmare and it was putting more and more paint. It was too, it was refusing. It was just too disgusting. It was like, no, no, no, no, I've got one life. One chat, you understand? Time to read your emails.

Yes, please. When you send an email, you must give thanks to the postmasters that came before. Good morning, postmaster. Anything for me? Just some old shit. email. This represents progress. Like a robot shooing a horse. Take me your horse. My beautiful horse! Our email address is 3beansaladpod at gmail.com and we can't stop emailing us. We can't. We can't or we won't.

There's nothing. Nothing we can do, nothing we will do. Now normally, before we record, I have a quick look at the emails, maybe scope out ones that maybe I'll read this one out. Yep. Haven't done that today. So I'm just, I'm just dipping my hands into the email bag. Communication, tombola. Yes.

And I would say that's from experience. That's risky. Yeah. Okay. So there's a good chance that, um, if there's an email you're listening to that we didn't, that ended up being inappropriate, we didn't actually put it in and if you're listening to it, it's because someone's made a mistake. Well, the problem is cause every other email we receive is, is it sort of, is a

kind of fictional erotica piece from Nigel Havers, isn't it? There's a lot of Havers erotica. So looking at the email inbox, the last eight emails we got, it's like, I'm going to give you the email subject title. Have you got the Havers filter on? So yeah, so you won't be seeing the Havers stuff. You get a sense of what we've got through. Okay. Okay. Rat story. Rat stories. That's good. A disgusting rat story. Lovely. Rat story. Brilliant. Rats. Yeah. Rats masquerading as a cat.

It's brilliant. Rat brackets with wings story. Oh my Lord. And horrific rat incidents, revenge of the waterfall. Brilliant. Blimey. I'm interested in all of the above. I think we should just go heavy, lean heavily into rats for today's emails maybe. I think we have, in years gone by, this is happened before, we had a few emails then from people who had pet rats who felt we were being down on the rat.

We got sent a photo of a really hot rat. Yeah, we did. Yes. Beautiful rat. Really beautiful rat. But it hasn't been enough clearly has it? We still on the side of, um, the people of Hamelin. Yeah.

Till we look at it. Well, I'm pre-caviating this with rats and noble creatures. Okay. They're not there are they? I mean, given that swan story, that's a debatable point. They have a different outlook on nobility, I'd say. This is from Danny from Bristol. And I've not read this before, so who knows where this is going.

Regarding the recent harrowing description of a rat bursting from the chest cavity of a deceased swan, I have a first-hand account to share of some waterfall evening out the score. A while back I was taking a wintry lunchtime stroll through the tree-lined avenues of St. George's Park here in Bristol. All of the local characters were out. The guys hanging out in the Bowling Green Pavilion listening to drum and bass, the guy walking an XL bully with drum and bass playing from his phone, the guy on the mobility scooter with the loudspeaker blasting drum and bass. As I walked around the lake in the centre of the park, I took a moment to admire the majestic heron perched atop a branch over the water. Intriguingly, it seemed to be pecking

at something. Then, to my horror, it lifted up on its beak a live rat writhing and angry. It then proceeded to slowly choke it back and force it down its gullet, still visibly thrashing about. Good God! Oh, ho ho. It's a slow acid digest for that rat, isn't it? It's a slow cooker. A heron is basically a slow cooker with a beak, isn't it? That rat is getting slow, slow cooked. Ceviche. Oh, thank you, Danny. Yeah, I think that's, that does even out, evens out the school break. Also, I love to hear any story involving a heron. Herons, of course, are my spirit bird.

Aren't they? Why, you're quite twitchy, flighty. Twitchy, flighty, but with a kind of refined, elegant sort of, flighty, twitchy, flighty, but with a kind of refined, elegant sort of sort of refined elegance to them and just slightly longer neck than is convenient. Isn't it? Whereas, whereas what are your spirit birds? Uh, probably the Wren for me. What was it about Wrens? Um, sort of small look harmless, but a bastard at heart.

Oh yeah, very good. What would was be? Just sort of barn pigeon, just move on. Go on. Just a barn pigeon. They've not even been classified probably, just doesn't matter. There's always a few pigeons in a barn, a corn barn, doesn't matter. Doesn't matter about them. No, not the beautiful and magical barn owl, no, barn pigeon.

The barn pigeon that lives in the shadow of the barn owl. That's good. I do think, yeah, birds of e-rats, I think that's a good, like, birds on the side of good, rats on the side of evil, that's a good war. What I want to say though is that Danny has kind of assumed, I think, that the heron won out in that situation. But last week we heard about a rat bursting from the chest cavity of a swan. Oh god.

It may be that that swan had choked back the rat. Yeah. Oh, the story's not over. Yeah. You should have deep fried me mofo. You shouldn't. Yeah. Coming back out.

You don't, you can't slow, slow cook. You can't. The rats are potentially going in turning off cause it froze to death. Right. This one. Yes. Turning off the central heating systems within the bird. They're playing the long game.

It shuts down to freezes and then... You can't slow cook evil. So you're suggesting Mike that obviously because the boiler like in a home, it's at the centre of the animal, isn't it? The boiler. Temperature controls and stuff. Straight to the stopcock. Yeah, unless it's got water tank, which is only certain kinds of eagle, isn't it? Yeah, most birds have converted to combi boilers. It's almost all combi.

It's very rare you see a bird flying around dragging a water tank around with it. It's really hard to do. It's not convenient. Some of the more pretentious ones go for a log burner. They're actually bad for the environment. Yeah. Particulist wise, yeah. Exactly. And of course, uh, bluetits have smart meat, don't they?

So, what are you saying, Ben? Can you boil this down to something pithy? Cause I don't know what the hell you're talking about. What did Danny needs to do? We need to know from Danny, just keep your eyes open, please. Danny, let us know if the heron meets a horrific end. Yeah, Danny thought that a heron had eaten a rat. My contention is the rat had gone in

on purpose and is going to eat its way out of the heron. Okay, here's a good question actually in general. When are you eaten? How do you know? Because if we look at the lore of mid-Europe, we're looking at Red Riding Hood, right? Little Red Riding Hood gets eaten by the wolf and the granny. They both get eaten. The hunter opens up the wolf and they both come out and they're fine. Yeah. It's a have they been eaten? Have they been eaten? At what point have you been eaten? I mean, when does this end?

They were definitely eaten. It's like that guy that was executed by electric chair didn't die, but they said his legal team were able to say he had been executed. His sentence had been served. Ben are you coming up with a deliciously financially forward thinking idea for a restaurant? Where you eat live animals, then gut the guest, remove the animal, sew them up again, and then you can re- resurf that animal. So essentially we never have to buy any new foul or hoof stock. Only overhead is a constantly operating, operating theater.

That's right. And the mod cons and intensive care and quite a big legal team, I think. And, and I'm, I'm talking top, and I'm talking top anesthetists, like top, top. When we cannot skimp on the anesthetists. It's not just Mike and a bottle of Oramorf. So yes, you eat, eat, eat a live piglet. Oh, I'll check that out. I'll go and check out a restaurant. 50 quid, quite a lot, but you get a live piglet.

Go there the next week with a date. It's the same piglet again. But I can't complain because I'm on a date. Bloody hell. And this date's already quite fraught because I'm a bit worried about maybe if things go well later I've got to show him my body long scar. My fresh scar that appeared last week. I don't know where that came from. And also I'm now actually starting to reconsider whether I should have worn proper boxer shorts

and not the triangular flappable pin lid. Well this date's been a bloody disaster. Okay, what do you want next? Do you want rat story, rat stories, a disgusting rat story, rat story, rats, or rats masquerading as cats? Mats masquerading as cat, please. OK, this is from Hannah from The Whirl. Have a Hannah from The Whirl. Thank you. The year was 2016 when I, as a teenager fresh out of secondary school,

was groggily rising from sleep during the summer holidays. For a brief delusional moment, I was delighted to catch a glimpse of a tortoiseshell cat in the middle of my bedroom, before the confusion and shock came upon me. Opening my eyes properly and sitting up, I began to understand that what I saw was no cute feline, but a fucking massive rat. Oh my god. But at that point I was already stroking its stomach and nuzzling its ears and one thing just led to another and...

I now love that rat. Instantly I screamed and jumped onto the bed, causing the rat to flee by squeezing itself through the minuscule gap in my door. Rats can do that, we know that, they can fit into a pen, we know that. The physics defying ability of this wretched thing to get its fat body through such a small space was such that I knew no corner of my house could ever be safe again. The worst part is that my father and I were leaving for a lovely summer stay in a cottage the very next day. We put down traps and had to leave our home to this freak and the entire

holiday I couldn't stop thinking about it getting into my bed and infecting all of my worldly possessions. Eventually some weeks later it was captured, but not before torturing me by making me spend every waking moment searching for the greasy marks that rats leave behind when they climb up a wall. Because rats like humans are just tiny living sausages aren't they? They will leave fat deposits everywhere they go. It was fucking awful and to this day I get scared whenever I see a tortoiseshell cat. All the best, Hannah from the Wirral. Thank you, Hannah from the Wirral. Thank you.

Good Lord. Haunting stuff. It really is. One of the horrifying things about rat infestation that Hannah mentioned there is the fact that they can fit into anything. So when you've got a rat in the house, it'll pop its head out through the, The space between your phone and its charger. Exactly.

Through a plug socket, it'll just pop its little nose out, it'll sniff the air and then into spear again. So that the bathroom tap, it'll just pop its head out, you're in the middle of a bath, it'll pop its head out, put it back again. I think a rat, it's not as bad as what you think in a way. It's not like that. I think maybe you could reframe the rat. It's not as bad as you think you can reframe the right in your mind because she's, she talks about them worrying about infection. But when you think about it, like how bad is infection?

I know it can be very bad, but killed most of Europe at one time. But basically it's like a cold, right? Doesn't it? A bubonic cold that kills half the population. Okay, no, infection is bad. All right, I take that back. But one thing, the only positive thing I'd say about the story is it took place in 2016, so all of the rats involved are now dead. But they're millions of offspring. Are very much alive, thriving and writhing. Not five inches from your face because there is a rat.

Wherever you are in the world, five inches from your face. But in your blind spot, that's why you can't see. They're often in the blind spot. Just for the listeners, because Ben is doing this live, we've had to edit out two rat stories because they were too disturbing. Yeah, we've got ourselves into a bit of a rat cul-de-sac here. It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon Patreon Thanks to everyone who signed up on our Patreon. Thank you.

Thank you for your support. Thanks very much. If you go to patreon.com forward slash three bean salad, you can check it out. We do bonus episodes, we do our sporadic film review episodes, we do our sporadic quiz episodes. There's all sorts of stuff on there. I'm just going to repeat that because of a weird thing with Apple putting extra charges on that would mean that we get less money and you pay more money, we've disabled the ability to sign up to Patreon through their app.

So you have to sign up on a browser. You can then use the app to access Patreon, but just signing up through the app has been disabled. That's very boring. I know. Anyway, there's various tiers to sign up at. If you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out from Mike. Oh, you sure do.

From the Sean Bean Lounge where Mike spent the evening last night, didn't you Mike? I did. I did indeed. It was a good night, wasn't it? It was, it was industrial noise pollution karaoke, wasn't it? It was industrial noise pollution karaoke, wasn't it? It was, thank you Henry. And here's my report. It was industrial noise pollution karaoke at the Sean Bean Lounge last night, raising ransom money to get the left leg bones of Bean Lounge Aroiri guy back off Russell Crowe. Natalie Kretschmar

opened by singing Happy Birthday to herself in the style of a speed lathe. Disgusted by the apparent solipsism, Rob Reed, Brian Cameron and Adrian Boyd were halfway through writing and colouring in a letter of complaint to the MP for the lounge, the right honourable ol' Harky Dog himself, when Gwyn Jones pointed out that this is simply how Natalie begins every evening out and indeed every meal time. Gwyn then performed an uncannily good limestone quarry in the Quay of A which cleansed the palate and even invited Jack Sutherland, Davy John and Stink Our Souls to join him on stage with their Dump a Truck Convoy chorus. Marcus ZW was up next performing

in Terminal Works on a locally unpopular road scheme followed by the right reverend Dr. Miri Job-Volas with a funky brass foundry and Sasha Harding with Jack Bird as a centrifugal gas compressor and its diesel generator respectively. Toby Steele, Bort, Dr. Collins and Birdbath Matthew gave the crowd a tear-jerking barbershop-style Luton airport, while Scott Wiles and Emma Taylor went toe-to-toe with Sophie Hamm-Bryson and Poi Taito in a tag-team rap battle themed on the history of the automatic car wash. An atmospheric low-frequency hum from a source that could not easily be located came next, which was suspected to be by James Keen, but he couldn't be located either. Then followed some timeless classics with Tom Proctor as a spam grinder, Jesse Hughes as an ungreased conveyor belt,

and rocking it as a 1980s Estonian zinc blast furnace was Maisie Adams rocks it. Joe Richardson performed the complete works of Bonnie Tyler and so had to be put in the Sean Bean pillory, but not until after he'd finished as everyone was secretly really enjoying it. But the golden microphone went to Karen N. Ward for her touching rendition of that hit parade favourite, Therapy Session Spoiled by Tyler's Pneumatic Drill. Thanks all. OK, that's the show. We'll finish off with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you. This is from Joe.

Hello, Joe. He describes it as the Three Bean Salad theme West Coast hip hop banger remix. Hi, Beans. I couldn't help but notice there's been far too much East Coast representation in your podcast. So to address the bans, I've remixed your theme tune into a West Coast hip hop banger in the style of Snoop Dogg, Dr. Dre, Attal. Lovely stuff. It took me 10 months. Oh my lordy. Of working on this project before I came to the crushing realisation that it probably wasn't going to be very good. It's taken us three years to realise that about this podcast.

He's also worked out that the 10 months is 2.5% of his entire life. Oh Joe. Oh Joe. I can't wait to listen to the fruits of your 10 months. Thanks to everyone for listening. Yes, thank you very much indeed. See you next time. Thank you very much.

Cheerio, bye. One, two, to the break, to the war. Three beans, salad, art, knocking on the door. Sucker, just gangsters in a suit and tie. You're gonna die. Piece of dirt, you punk ass motherfuckers. You punk ass kid, you wanna dance now? Hey, hey, hey, thumbs up and AK. We hit the track.

Yeah, big up deck. Ah, I've got my dick we hit the track. Yeah. I've got my dick stuck in my desk. Oh my god. That was worth every every month. Every month. I mean, I think get up more, do another 10 months. Sequel. Yeah. See you in 10 months.