Three Bean Salad - Islands

Episode Date: September 22, 2021

Olana decrees that the beans have it out about islands. They comply and, in an effort to be thorough, cover ear growth, alternative aviation fuel solutions and how to avoid over-ordering in a restaurant.Get in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

Oh, hang on. I've got a bloody blue bottle in the room. Bloody hell. Oh, God. Oh, come on, mate. He's a big fat noisy bugger as well. Come on. There you go. Can I say quite a little fact about Mike that people probably don't know is that I wish that this is could see this. Ben, I didn't if you know this about Mike, he absolutely hates flies. Really? In a way that is so beyond it's beyond the

normal of any other creature. He look at look at look at him. So listen, you have to imagine this. Mike has he's done the classic. He's rolled up a piece of paper. But every muscle is every sinew is popping on him, isn't it? You can tell through his shirt. Yeah, he's kind of he's in this weird stance where he's like, it's like a muscle stance. He's ready to pounce sort of 80s military action hero. He's close to door every he's just 100% focus. He's swashling

around. He's swashing around. That's the only past that blue bottle's getting off me. He's out of the room. Are you got him out the room? I've closed the door. I've closed the window. But he's still in your house, Mike. He's still in your house, your house that you bought. He's on your property. That fly is trespassing. He is as well. He's in your airspace. Well, I've made it clear to him. I think if he doesn't make it out of the toilet window by the time we finish this recording, then he's

toast. Mike, in terms of flies, how many how many kills are you on now? Do you know? It's, it's international tribunal levels. Yeah, it's a pogrom. It would have to be described as a pogrom now, wouldn't it? By any international court. I think I have great sympathy for I mean, even slugs, which are gross, I understand they have a purpose, right? Yeah, the bit the bin man of the forest. Yes, you know, eating your dog's shit. So you

don't have to. Yeah, just like any bin man, eating household waste. But flies, no one has yet given me a decent reason why they why we really need blue bottles in particular. Well, the trouble with flies is in terms of people justifying their existences. They get stuck in that logical loop with with spiders, don't they? Because, because people slag off spiders, and then someone goes, oh, yes, but they eat flies,

didn't they? So yeah, the way the purpose of flies is to feed spiders. But the only purpose is if we just, yeah, if we just had no spiders or get rid of both. I mean, that's I like, I'm happy with spiders. You won't you won't see me disrupting a cobweb. See a cobweb in the house. I've never seen you do that. No, exactly. No, your house is actually full of cobwebs. It's quite quite creepy. It's horrifying. Yeah. And especially when Mike's wearing his old cobwebby wedding dress. He will

not sell that wedding. Really, Mike? No. So what is the point of flies if we were talking now to a fly expert from University College London, who was coming on to tell us why flies are actually vital? What would they say? I bet they would say two things. I bet they would say partly nourishment for birds and other fauna vine. Of course. I'll put a bird table up, give them some seed, tick covered, no longer an issue. And I bet the other reason would be something along the

slug kind of cleaning up putrid stuff, in which case just leave it to the slug, mate. Or just or just get just a mop on some soapy water, you know, if we all just, if we all just muck in those other solutions. Yeah, I don't think they've got any unique things that they're providing personally. Okay, what are you feeding an iguana? Mouse or rice cakes? Yeah, yeah, rice cakes. What's wrong with rice cakes? Chocolate mousse. Probably chocolate mousse might

be a bit too sugary for them, maybe on a weekend. Yeah, blow out on the weekends. I think if you just lob an M&M past an iguana, it's little it's little tunnels shoot out and grab it well, when I imagine I see. So yeah, this is one of those pre-modernary ones that, you know, will only minstrels or whatever. Well, unless it's got a sort of red green color blindness or something, you might have to make sure it's the blue ones or something I can see. Yeah. I don't know much about

the vision of an iguana. Well, that's why the Erasmith wouldn't have read M&Ms in the in the rider, because they're checking their iguanas. What was it? What was it brown M&Ms? I can't remember. Also, wasn't it Mariah Carey? Well, no, Erasmith were checking M&Ms at Mariah Carey. Mariah Carey only eats blue M&Ms. All we know is that there was an iguana somewhere and it might have been someone near a gig. Now, I thought Mariah Carey only ate blue M&Ms or something.

That's her only food stuff that she eats full stop. Secret to her success. Yeah, because the blue M&Ms, they're full of roughage and vitamins and minerals. They've actually got all your food types. Yeah. Yeah. No, but the point is, Mike absolutely loathes a fly, don't you? But you've got but you've got respect for spiders. I am respect for and I don't think I'm a particularly squeamish person. Also, Mike, I don't know if you're aware of this, but

when you are troubled by a fly, you become a character from a sort of music hall. You become a very sort of you start sort of like channelling a very old form of sort of theatrical sort of clowning or something. Oh, your little flying bastard. Here he comes, little boy. Roll up the newspaper, slap him on the wall. I do accidentally hit a lot of people across the side of the head with planks when I'm trying to kill a fly. That's true. It's just something about the man pursuing the fly, the

fly that's troubling him that's really just feels very, very classic. Very old, very old. A classic act of the old Parisian dancehall. Exactly. You'd get you'd get a woman doing the dance of the seven veils. And then the mustachioed man being troubled by a fly. Well, this goes all the way back to ecubities. It does ecubities. Ancient Greek playwrights and poet and the story of Hermanos. Yeah, and the fly the man who was told at young age by the Sphinx that he would at one point

have sex with a fly. That's right. And also that he would he would another point kill a fly. And that it might be the same fly. It could be the same fly. And it's an extraordinary story how he ends up accidentally killing a fly. Yeah, thinking it's his dad. It's an incredible coincidence. He thinks he's killed his dad. He hates it. But it turns out it's the it's the fly he shagged a couple of nights before. It was only coming to see him because he'd left his phone round flies flat flies

trying to return it. Yeah, was an early phone. It was a shell a seashell. It was a great ancient Greece back in the day. Yeah, it was a seashell with a string on it. You can only take calls and they were only from the sea. You're right, Henry, it did look on we're recording this on zoom and it did look like an early silent movie silent movie. That's the stuff you'd expect the piano. You can imagine the piano sound. Well, everyone's out of the house. So no one's in I

mean, normally I would get one of the families to play a bit honky tonk piano in the background. Yeah, normally one of your sources will be honky tonk with me on the piano. Yeah, and I'll sort of record the old second hand upright that we got downstairs. And then you have Mike running around you just imagine in black and white and then slightly sped up just a little bit quicker than he was actually running around with the roll of paper. And then occasionally close up on his

face, which is Mike's face, but just imagine lots and lots of makeup somehow. So the eyebrows are all sort of makeup the mustache is makeup. And that sort of comical evil eyes just darting left and right and that comically evil facial expression. I do shake my fist a lot shaking his fist. And then you get a close up of the fly who up close is what beautiful playing a tiny violin, play a tiny violin. It's a beautiful woman with a fly out of it. I don't know, but it could be that there's some

sort of reconciliation and perhaps love affair. And then the curse has come through. You know that close up thing with old films, slightly less old films say like from the 40s. And they'll be like it'll be shot normally and they'll be talking in a room. And then they'll cut to the female lead. Yeah, he'll be saying, Oh, Jeffrey, I'm so glad you came back. And she'll be in like completely different lighting. Oh, yeah. And like really soft focus and like

almost looks like she's somewhere else. Yeah. What? How did they sort of feel like they could get away with that? It looks to my modern eyes. Very, very strange. Do you know what I'm talking about? I do know exactly what I did. I don't know. But I don't know if that's just because they hadn't worked it all through yet. I don't know if they hadn't quite cracked it. Or if they were trying to make sure that different stars had different levels of light. It's true that when you had that

closer, especially the study of the star female lead, it would just be the softest, most flattering. I suppose what they thought was most flattering light. Yeah, but it just looks incredibly soft and glowy and like, Oh, Jeffrey. It's like, what's wrong with your face? Your faces, we need to get you to A&E now. We need to get you to A&E now. Now your face is glowing. Jeffrey, I thought we were going to run away together. We will but we can get to Hammersmith in about if we get a move, we can

get to Hammersmith in 15 minutes. We need to get you in A&E. We've got a special radiation suite, I think is probably the best place to go. They've got the radiation suite. But we were having such a wonderful time. Doesn't matter. Look, I know it's going to be no one wants to go to A&E. There'll be drunk people. There'll be weirdos. It'll be grim. It's uncomfortable. If we leave it too long, you're going to start melting and then it's too late. Do you understand me? We need to get you looked at.

Jeffrey, is it true that you've been fucking a blue bottle? I mean, and also, it would flummox. It would flummox doctors, wouldn't it? That glowing face. What do you do? Mike, did you ever see anything like that in your time? Did you see the old starlets come in? The black and white face? Yeah, we saw a couple of silver screeners, sure, back in the day. But you needed very, very rigorous specialist training to get involved with that. So I mean, I just be in the background

doing a bit of documentation. Yeah, but you've got to get the proper hazmat suits on. Well, they're hazmat suits where from the outside, you look then like Clark Abel, don't you? So that you can interact? That's right. You need some radiation proof blusher and toner, obviously. And just a very big bucket of icy water as well, cool them down. Yeah. A lot of the time, that's the

problem. Because Golden Age of Hollywood face is it's not common disease, but it is a serious disease where your entire head from the neck up becomes shades of gray scale, shades of black and white with really, really lovely twinkly eyes. Well, you say lovely twinkly eyes, but when it's day after day, it's not it ruins marriages, ruins, you know, partners can't sleep because the eyes are twinkling because there's this brilliant orb of light next to them in bed.

The accent gets annoying. Oh, Jeffrey, did you get that serial that I like? Did you? Did you get the serial that I like? It's too much too much in that voice first thing in the day, you can't get changed in your bedroom because you're sort of silhouetted, your naked body is silhouetted by your partner's face. Yeah, against the blinds. It's embarrassing. So it's a social disease as much as a physical one, of course. And sometimes the most humane thing to do is actually just to

hire a black and white sort of villain with a long twiddling stash to tie them to a train track. It's time to train track and just and just let the let the train network take its course. Yeah, as long as that train track isn't under a flight path, of course, obviously, because that that that light from the ground is going to be very disruptive to pilots. Well, then you may get you may get a plane landing on them as well, which is overkill.

Is it time to fire up our old friend Elbino machine, though? It could be. I think someone knocked to the door. Can I quickly check the door before we do that? Is that fly? That plays fly with his dad. A massive six foot fly. A massive six foot fly with a moustache. This is from Olana. And she suggests islands, islands, islands. There's Ireland. Who's lasting the longest? Three of us. Three

of us. We are in a small prop plane like a Sopwith camel. We've stolen from an Air Force Museum. Yeah, we're on the run in Hampshire. We're on the run, of course. We are going across the Atlantic. Oh, someone's forgotten to refuel. Oh, Henry, that was your job. So I thought you said defuel. I thought you were worrying that we had too much fuel on board. So fire hazard. That's what I mean, you didn't even defuel that

well, because we were able to take off and fly as far as a desert island. So Well, no, I just thought I can't be I mean, bloody hell, I can't. Well, you lose interest only in tasks like that. Mike is obviously at the controls. Yes. Captain Mike. Captain Mike. Hold at the controls. Gunna Wozniak. Hubristically thinking you can do it before crashing into an atoll in uncharted

territory. He's also he's wearing because of a mix up on Amazon, he's wearing a sort of sexy, a sexy pilot costume. Isn't he? Three sizes too small. Three sizes too small. He's absolutely squeezed into this thing. Including the goggles. Including the goggles. Terrific bloody headache. The goggles are so much way too small for you. They just clamped around the sort of bridge of your nose, aren't

they? And the straps are actually going across your eyeballs. You've got straps right into your eyeballs. No one's told me they don't need them because the plane's got a windscreen. And also, yeah, fine without. And you're stubbornly I say I paid for these on Amazon, I'm gonna bloody wear them. I'm in the seat behind Mike. I thinking we had enough field to reach America where we were going to claim asylum. Have

eaten the buffet entirely. So there's no more buffet left. That's gone. You've eaten the whole buffet. Henry's forgotten to bring the map. He's supposed to be navigating. So he's in panic. He's illustrating his own new map. He's just he's just coloring a sheet of paper blue. By the way, I but it's not fair to say I didn't I forgot to bring the map. My view my my my take on the situation was that

from a bird's eye view from a plane, the world basically is a map. I mean, it's a map that's it's its own map. It's the map of itself. It's 100% accurate. You've seen the beginning of the standards. That's similar. You just zoom out. Exactly. Yeah, it's essentially you've zoomed out when you're in a plane. As far as you can tell, as long as we're going over the sea,

we're going in the right direction. And the fact that we can't see land is because Mike hasn't gone high enough. But I'm trying to avoid radar and albatross. That's why I've got to stay low. I've explained this. The way I see it is as long as we as long as we fly at right angles to the waves, then we're heading towards America, because the waves come in from from the

They come from America waves come from America just the same as jeans and sneakers and waves. They come from America and blockbuster movies. They're one of their greatest exports. And the waves move across the ocean and they crash or break onto the West Cornwall, Cornwall, the West of Britain, Cornwall, right? Hence the Gulf Stream, hence Lizards Point, all those lizards come in on the waves and accumulate at Lizards Point.

Hence the fact the UK is slowly being nudged towards Oslo, the Oslo Nudge inch by inch. The Vikings revenge. So obviously, Mike turns around and he says the fuel gauge says we've got no fuel left. Henry, you were meant to refuel. Henry, you explained that you had you've defueled. I then mentioned that I have heard that you can use piss as

fuel. I think I heard that once. And you having been on a bender the night before, you feel that your piss is most likely to be dark, frothy, airplane fuel piss. I'm chocker with the good stuff. So you clamber out on the chassis. I find the petrol nozzle. At this point, I realise I've forgotten if it's one of those

ones that we need to press a button in the cockpit to release it or not. Luckily it isn't, but it does need a key. So you have to then get back in and take the key out of the ignition. Get the key out. So you have to put the thing on clutch. Do you have to put the clutch down? Put it in neutral.

You hoick out the key. Yeah, but luckily we're going because we're going over the world, there's a natural curvature. So we are technically going downhill. So I can coast for a bit. We're always going slightly downhill because the earth obviously rotates left to right, which also creates the illusion of movement.

So it's hard to know whether you are moving or if you're on the spot. It's one of those. Or if we're just stalled. Stalled. So you can get a bit carsick. I clamber back to the nozzle. At that point, I forget, I can't remember if my piss is

unleaded or not. And if it is unleaded, is it safe to use E10, whether or not that level of biofuel is going to harm the engine? We point out we're in a crisis anyway. It's probably worth a punt anyway. There's no fuel. Also, but also am I one of those one in 10 people that still pisses diesel?

And is that allowed? Does it comply with you, Lez? Are we in the congestion zone? Probably not rule that out. Shouldn't we all be trying harder for the environment? All these thoughts, all these racing career mind. Have you got time to construct some solar panels on the wings? For example, Ben's got his aviator shades that it's all

mirrors, isn't it? It's all pretty mirrors. Solar panels, maybe they'll do the job. Could we become the first self-sustainable small aircraft hovering on the spot while the world rotates underneath it? With a constant stream of piss. Well, drinking water regurgitated from seagulls, essentially, I mean, as long as we can turn Mike's very, very

tight, sexy pilot's outfit into a seagull costume for me. Potentially, I could strike up a relationship with potentially with our seagulls. Well, it's reversible, isn't it? It's on one side, it's a sexy airplane captain. And then if you flip it on the other side, if you flip it, we just have to hope it's a sexy seagull, the sexy seagull out and also waterproof to get the sexy seagull outfit on me.

And in theory, I could, I could tow it. I could potentially tow it. It depends how good the seagull outfit is. I mean, if it's one of those ones where you can fly, then I could tow it. If it isn't, then you could still tow it, but you'd be towing us directly down. So yeah, a lot going on.

A lot going on. But what happens ultimately is that it turns out that you're, you can't feel a plane with piss, but that comes as a surprise to us all. Can't feel a pain with piss. And also the nozzles flown off. I've lost the lid. The lids flown off.

But not the nozzles, your nozzles, your old boy, right? My nozzles! Nozzles, your old fella. There's flapping about at terrific speeds. Like a windsock. My nozzle has got that effect you get on James Bond's face when he's, when he's trying out a centrifuge machine. That's what's happening on my human nozzle.

I'm having a hard time picturing that, Andy, but sure. Meanwhile, we're getting closer and closer to sea level. We see there is a coral atoll that we could land on, but hang on. Who's already on there? It's bloody Amelia Earhart. She's there with the first person to see her in decades. She won't let us land. She just waves the bird-ass, gets stuffed.

This is my desert island. We've got to find the next desert island, which is another mile away. Disaster. Absolute disaster. The only hope now is that I can skim it. I can skim the plane. Well, we've, I'm using the seagull outfit. I've still got a little bit of buoyancy from that.

So Mike's naked? Mike's naked. Apart from the goggles. And it's not lost on Ben that Mike is in great shape at the moment. It's not lost on him, despite the crisis that's going on. Yeah, he's feeling a bit body-shamed, having just eaten all of the travel buffet that we brought with us. Ben's feeling a little bit body-shamed, though.

But what you both are doing is pushing up by pushing up on the on the lid or roof of the plane. Yeah, it's the emergency anti-gravity measure, the anti-gravity measure. Obviously, it can't last forever. Otherwise, that's how planes would all work. But it does, it can, well, you lose strength. Eventually, you don't need your time. That's why I play this man.

You lose strength. Otherwise, it would work. But you're able to push up a bit that keeps us just above sea level. And eventually, we skim to quite a surprisingly... We skim. We've got to make sure that we try and rotate. We've got to spin it, because obviously, you've got to be skimming a stone. You want to have a bit of spin on it, right? So at the last minute, we all quickly swivel to the left.

Swivel to the left. So the whole plane is just spinning. And it skims like a stone, like a stone skimmed by a schoolboy. Exactly. And we, it's probably a seven-bounce skim. I reckon we only make five bounces before we crash in hard into the side of a sperm whale. And with each of those bounces, Ben's regretting eating that buffet more and more,

isn't it? Each bounce is like, oh, bloody hell. I shouldn't have eaten all five of the Scotch eggs. Also, the very quick change in atmospheric pressure is doing terrible things to my gut. So I'm, yeah, I'm an absolute turmoil. I just have tracked talk, we are. Ben is basically, to put it charitably, he's shitting out of every office, isn't he? And hard. His ears have popped.

His ears have popped, as has his small intestine. Everything's popping. Everything that's poppable can pop. He's like, he's like human bubble wrap. He's just, poop, poop, poop, poop. He comes to rest in the side of a sperm whale, about 250 yards from land, from our unoccupied, his island. And that point, we've just got to swim for it.

Luckily, because of the pressure, the extreme pressure change and how fast it was, Ben's belly button has completely prolapsed out. So, and it's like a dorsal fin. Also, the pressure change has also sort of crushed you to about a quarter of your ordinary size. So Henry's is almost pocket sized. I'm almost pocket sized. But Mike, you're unbothered by the pressure change because you're in such good shape. Mike's in such good shape.

Because I've been eating my greens, I'm unaffected by atmospheric pressure changes. So my question was going to be, which of us survives the longest on the island? But so far, I'm shitting from every orifice and my small intestine has exploded. So I imagine I'm going to expire fairly quickly. Ah, you'd think that, wouldn't you? But the effluent coming off you attracts shoals of nourishing fish. So by the time we make land, you essentially have a huge shoal of cod and haddock and brim. And to my command?

Under essentially under your command. And they understand that you, they can feed from your leakages because your leakage is never going to stop now. Right. That's perpetual. There's no medical center. Right, sure. And they understand that you just occasionally cream off a couple of the smaller ones.

Yeah, for some omega-3. But Mike, you're a former doctor. I would feel like, I know that you're not a practicing doctor. If you practice as a doctor now, it would be, I believe, illegal, would it? Yes. Yeah, I think so, yeah. Sure, right. I've no longer registered, yeah.

But I still think if we were in a desert-owned situation, we'd be looking to you for medical advice, I think. Yeah, and I would take that need and I would use that as leverage to put myself forward as the natural choice for leader of the island. And I'd probably initially be quite benevolent. I'd be autocratic if I would be benevolent. But I think I'm not very good in the open sun. I get quite attention if I'm out in the open sun too much.

So I think probably by mid-afternoon, you'd start to feel it. You'd start to feel the wrath. Right, so we're not even lasting out the full day then before we start collapsing? I don't think so. Before I've sentenced one of you to death. Before, what turns out is very, very, very delicate social norms and threads that hold our relationship together, the three of us, just dissolve completely. That's falling apart in seconds.

And it's full on, Mike, you've just painted your face with Ben's blood by about tea time on the first day. Yeah. And I'd probably be going after you, Henry, because probably jealousy, because once we'd landed on the island, I'd noticed that you were trying to strike up a relationship with the only wild pig that lived there. And you'd bond quite quickly and Ben's got his fish. I've got thousands and thousands of bream and cod.

You've got the wild pig. So I'm feeling a bit jealous of the whole thing. I've probably taken out on Henry first. It feels as if we've very naturally split up. I become a sort of lord of the seas. Henry becomes a kind of prince of the land, which leaves you with the birds of the sky. I am the fallen pilot, the fallen prince of the skies. Exactly.

You're an Icarus-like figure, tragic. And then birds peck out your eyes. And then birds peck out his eyes. Birds peck out my eyes, but I'm still in charge, because I've managed to undermine confidence of both of you enough by this stage. And I set you to work trying to build me a new one-seater aircraft. You bastard. Assuring us that it's okay.

It's a one-seater, but I honestly am pretty sure both of you will be able to get on as hand luggage. And Ben and I are buying this. Particularly because you've shrunk because of the pressure changes. And also Ben, it has leaked so much by now. He's more of a sort of shroud, really, than a man. But meanwhile, we're there for the long run, it looks like. Building that plane isn't going to be tricky, because all we can build the plane out of is, hopefully, other bits of plane that might fall out of the sky.

There's no other materials. So we've got to establish a community. We've got to establish how to feed each other, toilets, where's the lounge. And I know it's a little bit awkward to think about, but I think we know at some point we would have to think about reproducing together. Yes, even though there's no indication whatsoever that the rest of the human race is under threat. That's all I know. Because we haven't escaped an apocalypse.

No, that's true. That's a good point. We've seen no mushroom clouds on the horizon. Everything seems to be unchanged and presumably people are just getting on with their normal lives. We've possibly made page seven in a local newspaper based in Hampshire about missing aircraft. We've decided to repopulate the Earth. Just in case. Just in case there has been an extinction level event while we're away. The only ovary within a thousand miles is the 150-year-old ovaries of Amelia Earhart as well

on the nearby island. I don't think that's going to happen. She ain't giving them up. She's not interested. She's sent us one smoke signal so far. And even though we don't read smoke signals, it's clear that the message is, fuck that. We're actually quite impressed at how she's managed to convey that with smoke.

There was no subtext with that smoke, was there? It was pretty clear. Genuinely. How do you think we'd get on on this island? Oh, I think I'd eat you, Henry, within a day. Cards on the table. Even before you'd really established for sure whether or not this was indeed a desert island or... Well, I get crotcheted if I get hungry.

Yeah. And I don't want to put Ben through that. And if it subsequently became revealed that it was actually a peninsula, it was actually... We're actually still in Cornwall. It just gets slightly cut off this isthmus of land. It's an isthmus. It gets cut off at a high tide.

Two hours a day. Just two hours a day. Even then you can wade over because it's only knee deep. And the visitor center is on the isthmus. It's visible, yes. Yeah. And we'll even, you know, the granary style cafeteria, we'll even give you credits if you haven't got any cash on you.

Yeah, they're very easy going. You can get a soup and a crusty bun. But that wouldn't cross your mind as you... Well, I'd want to think straight. I can't think straight if I haven't got fuel on board. But also, if Mike went into that cafe without having eaten you, Henry, if he went in hungry, he'd probably over order, wouldn't he, Mike? You'd probably order...

I would over order, yeah. So, full plums, a few scones... I'd get the soup and the sandwich as well. Well, you never go into a cafe on an empty stomach, do you, Mike? It's one of your watchwords, in fact... A building. A pudding before I've even had my mains, you know. Mike always eats out on a full stomach, don't you?

And you tell your children, before you take them out to a restaurant... We all have a bag. We all have an empty Tesco bag for these occasions. And we fill it up with snacks and biscuits and bill tong. And fluids so that the bill tong expands on our stomachs. And we only let ourselves in the restaurant once those bags are empty. Because you say to them, you tell your children, don't not snack or you might not ruin your dinner.

Exactly. And then you get into the restaurant, and then you just have some tap water for the table. Yeah, a little bowl of olives, and then we go ahead. And at the end, you'll normally explain we didn't touch your olives. Can we please have a refund on them? Because for Mike, really, the experience of going to a restaurant is more about being condescending to a teenage waitress, really,

than that's the experience that he's going for. Really, really, nothing gets my juices flowing, more than that. Excuse me, I think this fork is... This fork has too many tines. Can you take it back, please? What am I, some sort of tinehoover? What is this restaurant? I thought it was Pizza Hut, not Tine World.

What the hell? And obviously, yeah, you're getting people to list the specials. You like the dessert tried to come out, don't you? Yeah, I like to see that early door. One of the key experiences is getting the little token so your parking was free. That's a lovely experience you can have. Using the toilets and then looking at any signed photographs

on the walls by sports stars. And hopefully, it's a sort of restaurant where you can nick a couple of bug rolls and they're not sort of properly nailed into the side of the wall. Fill my pockets with squeezy soap. Off we go. And then just sort of loudly touch as you leave. And it's not specifically aimed at anyone,

specifically, is it the tart? It's just a... Well, the tart says, I'm going straight to TripAdvisor. So you best not come anywhere near me, otherwise it might be worse. Sorry, I'm just googling TripAdvisor. I'm just going through the FAQs on TripAdvisor

to see if it's possible to give negative stars. Good day and then you leave. Five black holes. So in real life, as you say Henry, how would we do? I think, well, what it does is it brings into sharp focus the things that we would have died of if we had been born in the 1500s. So I would sort of have an asthma attack

and die within about half an hour. Also, currently my glasses keep falling off because I think my nose has become more slippery over time. I don't know what's happened. Well, eventually your face prescription runs out, doesn't it? It stops being... So you have that's why you have to update it

because your face will gradually... Yeah, yeah, because your face obviously gradually changes shape over the years. But also, you're both older than I am. Is it true that as you get older, a kind of a heavy grease builds up behind your ears that kind of feels like slick? That's right, you get.

That's right. And that's actually, it's not your nose, it's that grease is leaking down the arms of your glasses onto your nose. That's the problem. And obviously, your ears gradually, just through their own weight, start to become more and more pendulous.

It's sometimes referred to as wogun syndrome. What happens is the surest way to age a man, by the way, and it's as sure as carbon dating or the counting of the rings of a felled tree. Yes. Is to measure the length between the hole of the ear and the bottom end of the lobe. Because what happens is ears gradually just,

they just droop like, like, like, like, like, stalactite, especially, especially male ears, I find. They just get longer and longer and longer. So it doesn't matter how much plastic surgery you have, you'll see someone who's got, you know, that cherry big face of a 12 year old, but their ear lobes are drawn around their ankles. And you know, that's probably like a Hollywood star.

You know, they've had a bit of work done. Had a bit of work done. Yeah. So the ears get longer, that pull that, that affects, I think, how the specs sit on them. So you think you'd be blinded and winded within no time? Well, the other day, my glasses fell off into a toilet the other day. Oh, no.

So they're constantly falling off. And I think on the, on the island, they'd fall off. I'd step on them. And then, so I'd be essentially then blind. You'd step on them. You get a tiniest cut in the soul of your foot into which the unique bacteria that live on this little desert island would creep.

Yeah. And you'd be consumed by fever within hours. Much like Henry's belief that Piss fuels a plane, he would start saying that he needs to piss on my wound. He's heard somewhere that... Henry's solution to every single problem in the desert island scenario is, is yeah, piss first, ask questions later.

He's got fuel piss. He's got medicinal piss. Yeah. He's got nourishing piss. Spiritual piss. He's pissed SOS into the sand. Still doesn't understand why no one's come to rescue us. See, I don't think I'd last long.

I'd be, I'd be blind and wheezy within minutes. One thing I'd have it just, I'd want to establish early doors with all of us that I cannot be asked to build any sort of shelter. I just, I cannot be asked can we, can we just crawl underneath leaves for sleep, please? I mean, if I lay down in between two quite big logs, and then if one of you guys drapes a big leaf over the top,

that's like a little sort of coffin sized. Do you know what I mean? It's like one of those Japanese hotels, like one of those mini Japanese hotels. That's, that's how I'd see it. A capsule hotel. A little capsule hotel. Let's capsule hotel it.

Let's not try and build proper shelters. It's just not going to happen. Do you know what I mean? So me and Mike construct a huge palace out of logs and leaves and reeds, which eventually has central heating. We've got our pagoda at the other end of the island. Yeah.

With themed levels. It's based on having a world in Leicester Square. That's the... It's one of the least is full of M&Ms, which we've just found there. Must have fallen out of some other plane. Got a gaming zone. There's a wet room, a hammock centre.

How does the escalators work? How does that work? Bamboo. Oh, bamboo. So versatile, isn't it? Bamboo. And then we've constructed a little wheel in which the only wild pig on the island is working.

And you've got little speakers and tannoys made out of lost leaves. And as you come up through the escalator into the entrance porch, it goes, Welcome to Mike and Ben World. Exactly. Well, sometimes it goes, Henry Packer is approaching.

Remind him of his sloth. Yeah, you'd find that hard, particularly when you come to visit us and we're in the canteen. Yeah. You know, because two men can't possibly get through all the food in the canteen. And every day we're throwing away, you know,

kilos and kilos of... Largely bread and butter pudding. Bread and butter pudding and curries, macaroni cheese, just chucking it in the sea. Vegetarian option, which neither of you take, but you make it anyway when you just chuck out every day. We've got to have one. You've got to have one.

Yeah. It's normally a sort of goat's cheese and beetroot tart. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes we'll have a little bit as a starter, but otherwise, yeah. We tend to leave it.

I could help out in the canteen. Nope. No, you're not allowed in the building. Maybe you could. No. Because you made it very clear on day one, no shelter. All you've had to eat are your own fingernails

and you're getting bored of that now. Getting really, really bored of that. And we say to you, but what could you possibly offer us in return? And all you've got is piss. I can piss. Well, I can't do that anymore. Because you're too dehydrated.

I'm too dehydrated. It's just sort of dust. I've got just dust coming out of both ends now. So you try and bust and you set up a stool where you offer to draw caricatures of passes by in the sand. Yeah. Thinking that might be a way of making a bit of money. Yes, of course.

Because there's only two passes by ever. Well, I did do a toucan. Or did he pay you? No, he didn't like it. He left without paying. He thought I'd exaggerated his beak too much. Even though he should have understood. As a caricaturist, I've got to work with what's in front of him.

Do you know what I mean? Also, he didn't like the fact that I give him a tiny human body skateboarding. Yeah, so you're having a shocker. Strangely, given our M&M's World-Based Pagoda and Henry's caricature station, we're sort of recreating Leicester Square on a desert island. We are.

That's what mankind does. And we even managed to create, or you guys did a sort of cinema out of like bamboo. Oh, yeah, there was a multiplex. Yeah, the multiplex. With at least seven different options at any one time. Showing The Meg. The Meg is showing in three of the screens, yeah.

And Passage to India. Weirdly, one of the other ones. Because you made an equivalent of the Prince Charles Cinema, which obviously shows older films. And you're singing along a sound of music. I mean, I was obviously never allowed in. But you couldn't get to sleep during it, could you? I couldn't get to sleep during it.

So essentially, scientists, when they discovered the island in like 50,000 years time, would discover a perfect replica of London's Leicester Square, but populated by, because of the way evolution is going, of course, crabs. Crabs. Just crabs, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And Henry, your only real hope for survival would be that your crab evolution is accelerated somehow. It happens while you're still alive in one generation. You wake up every morning hoping that you click your little fingers here, increasingly shriveled fingers together. I'm hoping, oh, I might. Are these drying out enough?

Are they? Or are they clacking yet? Are they clacking? Maybe I can bring it on if I just, I can sort of, I think I'm coming up. I think I'm coming up on crab. I think maybe, yeah. Maybe the shell is under my skin.

You start trying to tear your own skin off to see if there's a shell under these. It's an absolute horror show. But quite entertaining for Ben and I, as we watched from the seventh floor, from the viewing gallery. You just need 10p to operate the telescope and get away. And you've got the Burger King and the McDonald's and the Hargon dance. Yeah.

There's like a Cinnabon. Cinnabon. We can hit the hut 24-7. It's got a 24-7 pizza hut drive-through. Is this, has it got the half-priced ticket hut for the West End? It does, of course. Because that attracts football. And that's what we're hoping to attract,

but in the form of rescue football. Oh, I see. Oh, so the idea is if we create a perfect replica of Leicester Square. If it's appealing enough, if our island is an absolute must-see cultural experience, then sooner or later, some cargo ship's going to turn up. We'll show them the afternoon of their lives

and then hitch a ride home. That's the plan. Although my guess is they'll turn up, and it isn't really Leicester Square. It's just a bunch of old crab shells stuck together with human feeders. And you two in the middle of it, just sort of rocking backwards and forwards. Just babbling.

Just babbling. I'll have two tickets for Billy Elliot, please. Enjoying a high-brain hallucination. And we've actually only been there for 16 minutes. Um, can I, um, excuse me, with the pizza buffet deal, can I have a chocolate fudge pudding, or do I have to pay for that separately?

Please, I've got to be at Les Mis in half an hour, so please hurry up. That's one of the most shocking sights that helicopter rescue team had ever seen. So much so that they decided. Just a napalm it. Speaking of people going mad on an island, I've never read, um, Lord of the Flies.

I know you meant to have done that, but I haven't. It's really good. It's really good. And it's worth reading. But equally, by this point in your life, you've probably heard it mentioned so many times in so many contexts that you probably know enough about it. The main thing about Lord of the Flies is,

if you read it, then just occasionally in life, you just go, you know, it's a bit like Lord of the Flies. It is one of the most invoked books, I think, for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you don't need to have read it to do that. I don't think it'd be because you'll know what the deal is by now. But Ben, you can't just use it willy-nilly.

You can't just be watching the Grand Prix or something and say, Oh, this is a bit like Lord of the Flies. It needs to have certain types of things to be happening. Basically, you either need to tick the island box or the isolation box, I should say. Yeah. Or you need to tick the unsupervised group of children box. Oh, so I bet you're using that quite a lot down the park.

Oh, every five minutes. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And everyone enjoys it every time. This is like Lord of the Flies. This is like Lord of the Flies. This is like Lord of the Flies. This is a bit like Lord of the Flies.

You're like a stuck record, aren't you, comparing things to Lord of the Flies down the park? Yeah, sometimes I get it wrong. Sometimes someone's just playing fetch with their dog. Sometimes it's not really like Lord of the Flies. Oh, it's like Lord of the Flies. People don't pick you up on it, though. They just walk away.

Well, that's because they haven't read Lord of the Flies either. So they're not entirely sure there isn't a bit where a man's throwing a stick for his dog. They go away and then three weeks later, they come back having read it. They're like, Oi, you! That wasn't that much like Lord of the Flies. That was nothing like Lord of the Flies.

And then the two of you end up getting into a big argument about it, and eventually you sort of go a bit feral. You start living in the park, the two of you. Both, both... Or can you see what he's doing, Ben? Sharpening sticks and stuff. Yeah.

And then it's like Lord of the Rings. And then it's like Lord of the Rings, because one of you thinks that you have got a sacred amulet and that you can bring peace to the kingdom by traveling to the Vale of Mordor. Yeah. Oh, this is like Lord of the Dance. It's a bit Lord of the Dancers, isn't it?

Yeah, that'll happen if it can happen in a situation where a lot of people are trapped together. On a hot floor? Yeah. In a straight line, but all facing the same direction. Exactly. Kitchen Island. Oh, yes.

You've got a kitchen island, right? I've got a kitchen island, although it's joined to the wall at one end, so technically it's peninsula. But it is sort of a kitchen island. Oh, I long for one. It's a good thing. It is good a kitchen island.

Yes, that's very smart, isn't it? Hard to know what you can do with your knees, of course, but a very smart bit of kit. Well, my kitchen island's got an overhang, so you can stick your knees underneath it. It's got the work surface overhangs at one end. It's all everything. Holy moly.

Holy shit. Oh, it is. It's a pretty wild feeling, let me tell you, when I get the sun lounger out and lay it down on top of the island and lie down on top of it. On top of the island? With...

Turn the hobbs on for a couple of palm fronds. A couple of palm fronds. Stand with them sitting. Get the hobbs on, then, as you say, to get the temperature up. Cocktail in one hand. Rifle in the other. Rifle in the other.

And, obviously, a bowl with some keys in it. Radio, a couple of onions. And then you get your wife to release that jar that's full of mosquitoes. And... And it's like you're there. It is like you're there. Wherever there is.

Wherever there might be. What material is the top of your... It's granite. Granite? I think so. Isn't that what granite works for? Oh, my God. You live in that absolute luxury, hadn't you?

It's absolute luxury. It's got a mini wine fridge as well. My... What? My kitchen island's got a mini wine fridge in it, which takes three bottles of wine on top of each other. But I've never managed to get it to work. That doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. The fact is it's... People, visitors see it. Visitors see it. That's all that counts. And they feel that pang of absolute rage. What we all want to create in our friends. I'm trying to think of classic sort of desert island films.

I guess King Kong, is that? Yeah. Is that right? Well, that's the kind of the island that Time Forgot... Oh, yeah, because there's dinosaurs. The island where evolution has gone differently, or whatever, or yeah. Or it's still got...

You know what? It's King Kong, in a way. It's quite weird isn't it? That film's called King Kong. Because surely it's the fact there's dinosaurs there. It's more interesting than there's a massive monkey. That's such a good point. Who cares about the massive monkey?

There's dinosaurs. Yeah, I know what a monkey is. There's a bigger than a monkey. I'm not interested. Sorry, at least dinosaur. Let's bring that back on the second trip, shall we? Maybe if we come back... It's nice to come back to the same place sometimes,

because you really get a feel for it. If we come back, we'll visit the monkey. I don't care if the monkey's holding a human woman. It's a monkey. They're quite... Who cares? I don't care if he's struck up as a weird relationship with the blonde lady.

It doesn't matter, because... Because there's literally a T-Rex over here. Literally a f***ing T-Rex, mate. Are you f***ing joking? You want us to go and see the monkey in this f***ing cave? How much this f***ing holiday cost us? It's a complete waste. You always ruin holidays.

What's the f***ing point? It's supposed to be relaxing as well. Work all year. It's supposed to be relaxing. Jesus Christ. It's like going to Peru and saying, oh, should we go and visit the subway? You're joking.

You've heard it's a really big subway. It's one of the biggest subways, isn't it? Yeah, a big monkey. Who cares? I can draw a picture of a f***ing monkey right now and hold it up close to my face. It's a big monkey. Oh, great.

Now we're fighting the monkey. And we've... You want to take it back? Sorry. You want to take the monkey back to display it to people? When there's a f***ing electricity at T-Rex. Just behind you to the left is a T-Rex. You want to take the monkey back to America?

Are you mad? Sorry, I'm pissed off. You know what? Sometimes you have to go on holiday to realise that a relationship actually might not be what you wanted. Maybe. I don't know.

I'm sorry. Look, let's just both go for a walk separately. Watch out for the Velociraptors, okay? Watch out for the Velociraptors. I don't want you getting eaten. I'm cross with you. Why don't you get eaten? Yeah, I'm really, really pissed off.

We'll meet back at the hotel tonight. They're doing the international buffet, aren't they? They're doing paella. And if we don't get there early, someone will, they always pinch all the muscles out. Someone will pinch the muscles and prawns. So, look, let's breathe. Let's spend the afternoon separately.

But let's still get to the pile of things at six there. Let's just get to pile of things at six there, is it? Because I do love, I do basically love you. I do, I love you. I still love you. Let's go and see the monkey come on. Let's go and take that bloody monkey back to America. Let's do it.

Okay. Time for your correspondence. Thank you to everyone who sent us emails and they sent them too. Three bean salad pod at gmail.com. Now, lots of emails this week. We might have to save some for next week because we've got so many.

But there's a lot of correspondence. Visa v. Onion crisps. Oh, really? We've touched on that. We'll start with Jazz. Jazz writes, dear beans, in last week's episode, you were joking about someone going to the ends of the earth, including Mozambique, Brazil, and Antarctica

to find an onion-flavored crisp. I have been to Antarctica and I asked the electrician where I was working who had already been there several months what food he was missing most, given that we had limited food selection. He said, pickled onion monster munch. Good grief. Oh, hello.

So there you go. If you go to the ends of the earth, you might not find onion crisps because they are in fact right under your noses in your local Tesco. So they're making the point that onion crisps are not that unusual, really, because they are, well, pickled onion monster munch

are a central pillar of British cuisine. So well done, Jazz. Touché. That's fair, isn't it? I feel hugely undermined. I've got a couple of little issues there. Yeah. So, Jazz, but you may be some sort of,

presumably some sort of expert in climatology or animals or something to be spending time in Antarctica. Or someone with a very poor sense of direction. Or someone with a very poor sense of direction or with a dodgy tom tom. The issue is what we were contending or was that crisps tended not foreground onion as a flavor.

Well, I think it was just crisps. It was no food goes onion food. No food. Yeah. So here, have they foregrounded pickling? That's what I would, that's what I think is the case. So maybe take that up with some of the thousands of penguins that you stare at every day.

The other point I would make is that technically, I'm going to be a bit pedantic, but presumably, I didn't think you'd get to work on an Antarctic research station without having an eye for detail. Is Monster Munch a crisp or is it a starch snack? What? I'm not sure if Monster Munch is actually a crisp, because a crisp, to me, is a very, very thin slice of potato

that's been fried and had all sorts of stuff done to it to make it crispy. But Monster Munch is, along with Quavers and Skips is in that world of it's just an accumulation of starch molecule. Who's using the phrase starch? Well, you know, do you want me to go down the garage and pick you up some starch?

Oh, tell you what, I'd make this lads night in the pub perfect if someone would get a couple of bags of starch snacks and open them up in the middle of the table. Yeah? I wonder if, it's quite cool, if Jazz does work in an Antarctic research station, perhaps Jazz could tell us more about what happens there. I don't know, what's going, or what you're doing in

Antarctic or Jazz would be my question, maybe Jazz can answer. Because Antarctica, I believe I'm right in saying, is a large inhospitable sort of very, very cold area that's on the south pole of the earth. Is that right? So that's the one I'm thinking of, yeah. Yeah, that's right.

Sorry, I was thinking that it was a suburb of Barcelona, I think I've got all mixed up. Antarctica, that's a good time. Wonderful paella. Wonderful churros. Ah, so good. And great, great bars that are open till four or five a.m. Without an entrance fee, just very chilled out atmosphere.

Yeah, so Jazz, maybe you could tell us whether you're in that Antarctica or whether you're in the polar hell that is the south pole. So the next, I would say the next piece of evidence for the prosecution on this onion food trial comes not from someone who sent an email, but comes from my very self. I'm about to send you both an image that I captured with my camera at a museum in Estonia last week.

Just pressing send. So the image is, is it a post or is it on a TV screen? It's a TV screen that was scrolling through various events that were happening at the museum. Either way, it's a promotional image. It's telling us there's an event on the 2nd of October between 10 a.m. and 3 p.m. for onion and fish day. Not fish and onion day.

Not fish and onion day, onion and fish day. But not only is it onion and fish day with onion front and centre, the only image is of onions. Yes, it's close up of onions. Yes, they've put the words onion and fish day over a lovely photograph of various coloured onions and not of fish amongst them. So I think onion is definitely the...

Did you go to onion and fish day, Ben? No, because it's on October the 2nd. So listeners still got the opportunity to, if you live in Estonia, do go to the, I think it's called the Tallinn Outdoor Museum or Open Air Museum. And if you say Pombadou, 20% off. Excluding salmon and cobs. Free onion.

We assume that's universal. That deal. See you there. And it goes on from 10 a.m. until 3 p.m. So that's, you could be eating onions and fish for for five hours. That's a Saturday as well. So it's very much a family, you know, everyone.

Everyone could turn up. I mean, one way of doing it is you turn up at 10 a.m. You breakfast on onion. Then you walk around. Obviously the onion history section. The museum, the fish museum. You play the fish donbola. Play the fish donbola.

Do the interactive swimming pool full of onions that you can, yeah, bob about in. They've got those mega onions that you can climb in and do sort of absorbing. Contest. You can absorb in a mega onion. If you've got any very small children and you want, you know, you can leave them in the,

the board works like a ballroom full of ball bits, onions, the onion room, isn't it? They can play in a big sort of onion pit. Yeah. All the fish pit. All the fish pit. Yes, you've got a choice. It's a great day out.

Such a great day out. Onion and fish day. 2nd of October. Get down there. Powered emails. Dear Beans, I thoroughly enjoy all the jingles. Pompidou Center, Digestive Track Talk, and the probably now defunct Flightless Bird Attack jingle.

I don't think it's defunct. We just haven't. It'll, it'll come back. I don't think we have mentioned Flightless Birds this series, but it's going to happen. Yeah, you can't force it though. It's happening right now. It's happening right now.

In fact, we could, We could play the jingle. We could play the jingle. Welcome to the Flightless Bird Zone. No, please, not my face! Careful what you wish for, whoever wrote that email. Because sometimes you get it. Which is what he wanted.

Which is what he wanted. So, good thing he wasn't careful what he wished for. In that case, it was actually just wish away. Continue to be carefully with your wishes, Howard. Anyway, you're right. But it seems to me you've massively overlooked a jingle that is staring you right in the face. A royal talk jingle.

I swear, in every episode you bring up the Queen or one of her spawn, and as a mark of respect to the old Queen, surely a new jingle should be added to the roster. It's the least she deserves. All the best, Howard. I'd agree to that provided that our listenership promised that when we play it, they stand as they would when they hear the national anthem.

Yeah, yeah. Even if they're not based in the UK. What if they're on the International Space Station? And it's impossible to stand because of the lack of gravity. Yeah, straight in their bodies. Yeah. Straight in their knees. Yeah.

Straight in their knees in any direction. Obviously, if that happens during a fire or a crisis up there, that could be... Oh, if you're in the middle of a drill, if they play, they probably shouldn't be listening to a podcast. Exactly. Anyway, I love the idea of that being on fire on the International Space Station

and someone's listening to three bean sacks. Can you turn off the alarms, please? Because I'm really... They're in the letters section now. I'm nearly finished up. If I could just finish it... This is why I should have got those noise cancelling headphones. I knew it.

I knew it. The thing is, I know I'm the fire warden, but I'm the one who's supposed to look after the situations in a fire, but I just think I'll deal with the fire better if I've finished. It's just one of those things I have about finishing something off. Do you know what I mean? I'm a completeer. I'm just the way I am.

I'm a completeer. It's one of the reasons I got on the International Space Station in the first place, as the fire warden. I'm the one who... Dressed in a full fireman Sam style outfit. I'm the one with the full fireman Sam outfit. Up in a fire warden in schools, hospitals. I've done it in the private sector.

And finally, I got the space gig. I got the space gig. Sure. But I have a way of working. Yeah. Please, respect that. It's how I do things. Honestly, it will actually backfire if I don't get to finish the letter section.

I know this is an oxygen-rich environment and that the fire is travelling at a rate at which no one has seen before on Earth. Remember that? Yes. Yeah. And I realise that the flames are eating through the hull. It's extraordinary. It's like getting a pat of butter and sticking a grenade in it, isn't it?

The speed with which it's just eating through that hull. Look, it isn't there. I realise that. But I do like this lukewarm banter. Do you like this lukewarm banter? And I do have a bucket of sand with me. So I think we're going to be okay. And I know...

Let's face it, we've done the drills. We know we meet in the car park. We queue outside in alphabetical order. In alphabetical order. And to be honest, I think the biggest challenge is going to be counting all your heads before they explode. Meanwhile, quiet please. Let me just finish the podcast.

And so, yes. So, Howard wants a Royal Talk Jingle. I think this is quite a good idea. I think he's right. It's a good idea. We tend to reference the Royals quite a lot. Not because... I mean, I just want to make it clear that I'm not some kind of Royalist.

We seem to grasp for the Royals quite a lot. Whether or not we approve of them, they are our masters. That's true. Aren't they? Do you know what I mean? We are their subjects. We are their subjects. And you can complain about them all you like,

but the fact is we are their vassals. And that any of us would lay down our lives for any one of them. Yeah. So, let's just discuss what's going to be in the jingle because I'll knock it up this week. So, ready for next week's episode. So, maybe we'll go for the old... If you suggest some genres, maybe?

Well, I think the Queen is famously a fan of bebop. Bebop jazz? So, I'd offer that up. Yeah, it should probably be a bebop vibe. Okay. Yeah, I think so. Already feeling hard. Henry, would you like to add anything else into that mix of gumbo?

The only thing, just to make it a little bit easier for you, would be if you could give it a sort of bedding in 80s synth pop. So, yeah, we want some bebop and some 80s synth pop. Okay, and now I just need some kind of bits of vocals to... All stand for the King! We're entering the regal zone. That was great. Feel the smooth plush velvet coating of the regal zone.

The chat is dead. Long live the chat. Dove thy hat and dove thy trousers to the King. Off with their heads! On with the show. Oh, I like it. Oh, I like it. Very nice.

Listen not to the whores and the shopkeepers. Advisors, bring me more advisors. Finally, Mel. Charlie Nevitt emails. Hi, Beans. Hi, Charlie. I threw this together. The production is quite rough, but enjoy.

And Charlie has sent us our theme tune to play us out this week. Oh, yes. Yes. And thank you, Charlie. I would say the genre... I'm not really up on the metal world, but I would say the genre is maybe thrash with a hint of death metal, maybe. Nice.

It's very, very good. Thank you, Charlie, for sending us that. Also, Mike, it sounds to me as if he's drop D tuning with the guitar. So he's taking the E string, he's dropping that to a D, because then he's got that chugging sound at the bottom. Yeah. Can I just say, I'm editing this week's episode, so I will be just slowly lowering the volume

and just fading out on you guys talking about guitar stuff. Because I don't approve of it as a conversation topic. I've made that clear. Mike, so Charlie hasn't told us what kind of guitar he's using. I'd imagine something, maybe a flying V or something like that. Oh, it could be, couldn't it? Nice big fat humbuckers. Yeah.