Three Bean Salad - Jazz

Episode Date: September 11, 2024

Looking for a clear explanation of the syncopated contrapuntal elaboration of static half-diminished harmony tritone substitution turnaround? Then look no further as Cameron of Milton Keynes has the beans talk about jazz this week and, unless some sort of technical catastrophe has taken place resulting in a comprehensive explanation and discussion of music’s crown prince genre being replaced some quantity of bollocks, the beans have got you covered groove-style.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladSTREAMING TICKETS FOR OUR LONDON PODCAST FESTIVAL LIVE SHOWS:Friday 13th Sept 2024, 7pm: https://shop.kingsplace.co.uk/30561/30562Saturday 14th Sept 2024, 7pm: https://shop.kingsplace.co.uk/30530/30531With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Merch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [e-mail] @beansaladpod

Mike went to a young person's music festival for 15 year old girls. Who is the main constituency of the audience would you say Mike? Yeah, was it whatever that Jen is? Is that a Z? Jen Zed or Jen Alpha are they? I don't know, but they, yeah, very much lots Lots of teens, lots of people in their twenties as well. Okay. I don't think I stuck out like a sore thumb.

No, I don't think that. I don't think I was obviously there, escorting some, some small children. But that's cause you're wearing a system of a bum bags across your front. Around your head. Soaping to trigger as a, as a new trend. Yeah. And so what your set was, I'm just as a new trend. Yeah. Yeah. And so what your set was, I'm just thinking of thick, thick nineties house, was it?

What were you laying down? I brought my own gazebo because they wouldn't let me on the official listings. Okay. So I parked up a gazebo next to the hot dog stand and did a Gorilla Techno set. It's retro Mike. Next to the St. John's ambulance, which mercifully was being staffed by another group of provincial middle-aged men who were bang up for it. I think we had a scene, there was a scene and it was thriving.

As retro Mike, it's retro Mike, is it three exclamation marks? To make it. Yes, but they're spread through the, through the words. They're spread through the words aren't they? And some of them apply down Spanish ones. That's right. And one is on its side, which just makes it look like it's been underlined and there's a full stop at the end. But that's wrong.

It is an exclamation mark. It is an exclamation mark. Because young people want energy, don't they? That's what you're thinking, wasn't it? Yeah. They want, they want, emphatic punctuation is what they want, I think. And I was going to test that theory. And everything's egg yellow, isn't it?

Egg yellow and lights are important because you're putting on a show, right? You're not just playing some tracks, you're putting on a show. So you've got to have, I mean, I didn't have access to a decent set of sort of DJ lights that go on the side of your shades or whatever. So it was very much busting out the old Christmas tree jobs. Your Christmas tree lights right around your head, didn't you? Yeah, well, as much as I could. Am I right in thinking that, so towards the end of the, it's a bit when you shout raw,

let's make it raw people, which is, it's the bit where there's a bit towards the end, isn't there, of a house song where it goes, and you really go, oh yeah. And at that point, when the big beat comes in, if I'm right, if I remember rightly, house music would go do do do do do do and you'd be all there in the crowd, all sweaty going do do do do do do do and there'd be all there in the crowd, all sweaty going, and there'd be a point where you go, can I actually do a quick piss and come back before the end? Well, because it does the vibrations interfere with your bladder, I find. Increasingly, yeah. But that's why you've got a Rinal built into your DJ sort of booth, haven't you?

Well, yes. And then that's the advantage. Well, I'm a sort of, I move as one. I'm like a snail effectively. The only negative of that is obviously the speakers of the Hyundai i10 meant I couldn't attract a massive crowd. But you've got your Hyundai i10 under the gazebo, which unpacks from the boot. And yes, the toiletries in the boot is a series of buckets really. Yeah. So you can have what three clubbers max seated in the back of the Hyundai a series of buckets really. Yeah. Okay.

So you can have what? Three Clumbers Max seated in the back of the Hyundai at any one time. In the VIP zone, yeah. Roped off? Roped off, always roped off. With my 10 year old on security. And so you, it's halfway between satin squatting, isn't it? On the bonnet of the Hyundai.

Which is the way you drive an item. Yes. Yeah. And then the bit which is really great is because you've got this Christmas wire wrapped around your Christmas lights and when it goes, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do,

do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do And then things get mega, the beat goes... And that's when Mike starts hitting the horn. And then seconds after that is when the battery cuts out. Because unfortunately I didn't bring a battery back for the Christmas lights, they're in the cigarette lighter, they're plugged into that, and it was a bit too much in the end. So I didn't quite finish the set. It was too ambitious, wasn't it Mike?

Because the other thing you tried to get to happen, which would have been brilliant if it worked, was the idea was, because there's Christmas lights, you've got three settings. They've got uniform flash, they've got mobile flash, and then they've got just one light sort of travelling up and down the... Pulsing. Pulsing. So the idea was it would go from unified flash to pulsing. It's called the Rudolph's footsteps. In a different context, it feels like pulsing.

Yeah, that would have been incredible. Still, next time you live and learn, right? It's an organic thing. It is an organic thing. A techno, a heavy techno set. The other thing that Mike fell foul of is if you wrap yourself in Christmas lights, you're creating essentially a coil of electrified wire. You do become a magnet.

And of course, because it was next door to the St. John's ambulance. Oh, I was covered in syringes. Covered in syringes, which people assumed was part of the act. And people started hugging you at that point because people were very, very loved up, weren't they? Bite your drugs aren't cool lecture, which you go through between each track. Well, I'm still going through the correspondence. I've got a lot of letters to parents about why their child came home so heavily pierced and why they had so many leaflets about how herpes are still uncurable, which is Michael Cresset at the moment.

Yeah. Irrespective of the wade through yoghurt zone, which you had set up behind the hand, I didn't know you were by people. Anyone with, with the right arm band could wade through that yogurt. Couldn't they? It's what it was supposed to be a foot dip. Really was the, was it was the idea and anti-microbial yogurt. Exactly. But people, people thought it was a catering. So again, that's, these are teething troubles.

I'll get, I'll get that right next, next summer. I think. Yeah. Again, then you think it's ironic, don't you? The way you said that, that, that, that, that yogurt can be antimicrobial. But of course, anyone with any understanding of, of how medicine works is often it's, you cleave close to the danger to turn it in your own. Well, you make it super microbial so that the, if your feet are caked in

super microbial yogurt, then they will oust any negative or foreign bacteria between your toes. Because of course the power of yogurt is actually quite terrifying, isn't it, if you've been too long thinking about it? Which is why those canisters of Yakult are so small. A full tub of Yakult would be terrifying. Well they've been on our supermarket shelves for years, haven't they? That's very much been the beachhead.

And what people aren't talking about is what's there now is there's legion upon legion of much larger bottles of kefir. Do you like kefir? Do you like kefir? I do. The yogurt revolution is upon us. Yeah. What does kefir do for you, Ben?

It tastes good for you because it's a little bit horrible. Yeah. It's fermented, isn't it? Yeah. So it's got that tang. I'm enjoying that tang. It should have been chucked. Tang.

And it makes me feel a bit like a Mongolian goat herder in some way. Yes. Do you know what I mean? Like I'm just walking across the steppe. Wearing an incredibly wide and sort of boxy, very, very thick, thick sewn, woolen, sort of carpet top, isn't it? Yeah. It's incredibly wide though.

Wide caftan. It's just really, really wide caftan, isn't it? Yeah. And I've got like an eagle on one shoulder. Yeah. And then I've got like a miniature horse. Yeah. Yes.

Superhuman archery skills. Oh yeah. So you can shoot a scorpion from a distance of 500 yards and cook it for your dinner. And that's how I feel when I'm in Tesco and I go, Ooh, cafe is on two for one. But I don't know where it's from in the world. Is it, it's kind of Turkish, isn't it? Or that part of the world. I think that's sort of near Eastern thing.

Yeah. There's a Turkish restaurant near me and I'll often, they've got like a little yoghurt drink that's just like salty yoghurt that I'll buy. It's not very nice, but again, it's that thing of going, I'm doing this authentically. Well, I had a thing on holiday called curds. There's so many colours on the spectrum between cheese and milk, aren't there? It's such a, such a broad. At the very, very, very far end you've got Brie, having you on one side.

You put a soft cheese at the far end, would you Henry? Yeah, no, I didn't say the furthest end. I said the far end. We're going all the way, are we? Yeah, fine, if you want to do that. Yeah, the furthest end, you've got your hard cheeses, you've got your Parmesan, you've got your brick cheeses. Well the far end, it's the ultra hard black cheeses, isn't it? That are forged under deep pressure under volcanoes. Yes. Like a 25 carat parmesan like that could be worth, yeah, worth more than diamonds.

Or an obsidian cheddar. Yeah. Obsidian cheddar would crash an economy. It was introduced into a normal supermarket environment. It's got to be black market, that stuff. Oh yeah. So what are you putting at the other end of the scale then? Just milk. So you've only got milk. Okay. And in between you've got so many of these halfway house things you've got. You've got yoghurt, you've got kefir, you've got curds. What about hui? You've got hui. I don't even know what that is. What's, what's way?

What is way? I don't know what way I didn't know what way is. But actually I ate when I was eating curds on the holiday, I actually Googled Hi and read about it, but I've forgotten already. I think, I think to have eaten curds, someone somewhere on the opposite end of the earth must be waiting. They're the dairy yin yang. And then you've got your mini yogurts, which are much more kind of dense. And you've got your Greek yoghurt.

You've got so many different types of yoghurt. French set. French set. Framache frais. Greek. Frube. Frube? What the hell's frube?

Frube is a soft liquidy yoghurt, a sweet yoghurt served in a tube. Blrube. Frube? What the hell's Frube? Frube is a soft liquidy yogurt, sweet yogurt served in a tube. Blimey. What's that? When do you use that? To distract toddlers, basically. Okay. You know how a burglar might toss a lamb chop at an Alsatian? It's the same sort of thing.

It's used to placate and distract. If a house has guard toddlers, for example, which are no longer legal, but yeah. You drop a few sort of laced froobs through the letterbox and you're in. Because I've got a problem with yoghurt and all of its derivatives. It sounds like it. Yeah. My problem with yoghurt is... Tread carefully here, Henry. I realise this. I realise. I'm going to be very, very sensitive. Be very, very sensitive. But my sort of lingering suspicion with yogurt is that it's shit.

Oh my God. Okay. Not reading the room at all there. Sorry. Sorry. No, no, no. Ben's genuinely looking. Absolutely. Ben is furious. The reason you can't see Ben from the nipples up is because the rest of him is in yogurt as we speak. Well, the bean machine is always immersed in yogurt. Well, it's such a, it's a very, very versatile product.

We've established that it's the only thing which can, it's the only sort of bulwark we've currently got in the global war against herpes. Isn't it? The yogurt bulwark we've currently got in the global war against herpes. The yoghurt bulwark. It is, that's it. That's the firewall. It's all we're clinging to. Because it's so biotic.

It can clean and it can stain. It can clean and stain. It's probiotic, it's antibiotic when needed. These are all pro, these are all in the pro column, Henry. It's alive or dead. Yes, isn't it? It's a washing powder. This isn't adding up to a shit product. It will one day become sentient.

All of these things. And it's going to be the answer to AI. In the Great War, in a thousand years' time, that would be... Yoghurt will probably be all we've got. But yoghurt and AI with a crab watching on from a hillock on a picnic, as they destroy each other. It's true. And all the end of days mythology feature yogurt, don't they? Be it rains of yogurt, plagues of yogurt, yogurt bubbling from the mouths of elders, all of our children

turning into yogurt. There's many different apocalyptic visions, isn't it? The Nordic giants tricking the gods with poisoned yogurt. Yeah. What are those little French ones? Putty Filou, suddenly going up in value so it costs £50,000 for one pot. Yeah, we've not even got into your fruit corners yet. Oh, we haven't got into fruit corners. So I don't really know how you can be besmirching this. What I'm saying is it's an incredible substance, it's an intelligent substance,

because obviously it is effectively a liquid fungus that's global in size. It's the biggest animal. Yeah. When you're eating yogurt, you're eating a tiny bit of one huge organism. Yeah. So remember, it is not vegetarian. Please remember that. Because you can obviously, sometimes it's alive, sometimes it's dead.

Dead yogurt is still not vegetarian. But you don't need to worry about that if you are a vegetarian, because it can neither be created nor destroyed. It just passes through you on parvus journey that's all it is we pretty sure now the reason the Milky Way. Looks like that the reason it looks like local yogurts in space. Yes it's like it's a liquid sentient fungus with it's the biggest organ is earth. It's the oldest organism on earth, also the youngest organism on earth. Did it originate from earth? Did it originate from earth? Probably not.

Did earth originate from it? Possibly. What flavour of yogurts are there in the pyramids? We don't know. We're not allowed to know. Because they won't let us know. No. Is there any credence behind the theory that the reason they won't let us know is because

it's a combination of fruits of the forest flavours, your berries, your strawberries, your summer peach flavours, which have never been combined successfully in any commercial yogurt. Could work together. The impact on global fruit markets would be, I mean, I'm literally lost. I mean, I can't even, I can't, I can't put it into words. No, the thing about yogurt is as a food, right?

People have often encouraged me to eat yogurt, especially my parents who are huge yogurt heads. I just don't like, so occasionally I buy it, but whenever I come, whenever I try and get it into my life, I just have this thought, which is why, why am I, why would I eat yogurt right now? Like what's it for? It's a breakfast, it's a pudding, but it's a million of itself. It can bolster a muesli. It can take the end off a chilli, have it with a curry. But it's with, isn't it? That's the thing. I've just said, Henry, it can be on its own, a breakfast or a pudding very easily. So you could just eat some yoghurt and that's your breakfast? You could do, yeah. Would you ever do that, Ben?

Did it yesterday. There we go. You just had yoghurt for breakfast? Not for breakfast. It was like a sort of lunch. There's no point trying to define what time of day Ben is having what meal we can't pull on that thread now. You because you don't really know what it is Ben and maybe if it is a sentient mega beast, which it is maybe you're actually you know you're you're you're living your life to its drum because you can't really tell me why you ate it just now. You went, oh, it's between, it wasn't really breakfast, it was a this. Mike

saying it can bolster a muesli. Why are you using words like bolster? That's a deeply, deeply weird word to use in a conversation about yoghurt. Oh, it's lovely. Oh, bolster. Oh yeah. Okay. Can I just say three words? Can I say three words to you, Henry? Go on, Ben. Honey delivery system. Okay, but again, you're using words like system and delivery. These aren't food words. They're sort of admin words. I can't just sit down in the middle of the day and eat spoonfuls of honey. I can't. It's not right.

Okay. So it's there as a kind of cushion. It's madras coolant. It's a madras. So okay, so it's like a kind of it's like a lubricant in a vehicle or something. It's like, as a kid, I used to watch those ads for cash or GTX and I'd be like, what the hell is cash or GTX? And I still don't know. But mixed with yogurt, it does make a good afternoon snack. It goes that incredibly smoothly. It goes straight out as well. It's the castor oil of the day, it cleans you straight through. Cleans you straight through. But I think I'm actually making quite a strong point, which

I don't think either of you have really managed to counter, which is like, so essentially... What you're saying is true of any food. You can add this argument to any food. I don't agree with that. Parsley. I buy yoghurt. Parsley. Try eating a niswas without a delicate sprinkling of that. Yeah, it's bolstering the niswas. No, herbs. Okay, well, okay, I would say yoghurt, okay, I would say herbs are a non-necessary food product. I'd say yogurt. Yogurt is a kind of flat flabby herb, isn't it? It's a kind of wet flabby herb. Okay. I'm interested in this. If we, if we drill down into this, what is the then, what

is the food in the middle of this Venn diagram that you will allow as being a sort of vital thing that isn't just in interface with another food. I've got a very simple answer for you Ben. Frittata. It's the basic food. Couldn't be simpler. Frittata. It's a combination of protein and fibre.

I'll buy yoghurt and it'll be in my fridge. And yet somehow the moment doesn't come where I reach- Was this because you're still getting parental pressure to buy yoghurt and it'll be in my fridge. And yet somehow the moment doesn't come where I reach it. Is this because you're still getting parental pressure to buy yoghurt though and to eat it? I am still getting parental pressure. Because I'm not getting any of that pressure. And so I don't feel like it's, I'm getting yoghurt on my own terms. So maybe if your parents let up with the whole yoghurt pressure,

would that change things? Because at the moment the yoghurt is emblematic. It's duty yoghurt yogurt of your arrested development. It could be that. I probably need to have my own yogurt moment. A reach to yogurt story, because I mean, everyone has their story, don't they? Like that, that summer where first time he got off with the yogurt, that crazy summer on summer camp, you were working as a, as a pool, you were working as a, as a, as a pool boy. As a turd collector in a pool.

A children's pool. When you saw that, that middle aged man walking, walking in holding a yoghurt and you just, you just watched it, didn't you? As he slathered it all over his back thinking it was sun cream. Because it's so versatile. It is so versatile. Um, yes. So for example, I've got, let's take off the reasons you're using it. So for example, I've got my honey delivery system toast.

Okay. I've got my muesli delivery system toast. I eat a lot of toast. I didn't really eat muesli because it's, because it's not the 1980s. Again, that's a daily thing for me. With yogurt. Sometimes. On high days and holidays. Sure.

And when you're eating the yogurt and the Musely, do you ever have this thought, which is why am I doing this? It's like, is there a... Figurating health, flavour, gut health? It's lasting me through the morning? Gut health, I can understand, but that's medicinal. That's a medicinal use. So just you move it from the kitchen into the bathroom cabinet. Fine. That I can understand, but it's like, where does this thing actually belong? Because what my parents do is they have yogurt at the end of a meal, for some reason. I don't know why they're doing it.

It's a lovely pudding. So at the end of a meal, I could eat a yogurt, but I could just not eat a yogurt. It's exactly the same. So why? I could eat the yogurt, I could not eat the yogurt. You get a nice, you get a little something sweet. It's cool. What's sweet? No, but yogurt isn't sweet. What you put in the yogurt might be sweet, but the yogurt's just... Well, if you're having a pudding, if you're having a dessert yoghurt, you'll, you know, you'll have one of the sweet ones.

That's not the time for your kefir, generally speaking. You know, that's your mid-morning meeting, isn't it? It's when you hit the kefir. But what? Yeah, I'm just, yeah, I still don't understand you. I don't want to be difficult about it. I want to learn, and maybe I just need to have that sort of rites of passage. You have to arrive at that moment yourself.

I'm afraid. Yeah. It can't be forced upon you. This yogurt thing is going to run and run. Oh yeah. Yeah. Then I can see is actually quite hurt by this. It's less hurt.

And it's more like, I don't know what it is. I just feel all at sea. Do you feel sorry for me? I thought I liked you. I see you see. Yeah. Okay. So I have known for a long time about Henry and

his cause I, a very, very long time ago. You've been keeping this from me, Mike. Yeah. Because I hoped that his yogurt moment would come. I remember offering Henry a yogurt. Oh, are you serious? Yeah. Yeah. Long time ago. When was this? We were writing him a flat in North London and we'd had some food and I offered you a yogurt at the end of lunch. And you were just baffled. You were almost rude. I'm really, I'm sorry. Did you see the misunderstanding of why that would be on, you know? Wow.

Yeah. I think, I think if I, if I'd passed you a Grisham and asked you to read it to me in its entirety after lunch, you'd have been less confused than you were. Can we play that sick? Can we recreate the scene? Uh, yeah. So I remember it quite a bit. you'd have been less confused than you were. Can we play that scene? Can we recreate the scene? Yeah. So I remember it quite vividly. I don't remember much, but I do remember this quite vividly because I was living in Archway at the time.

Gosh, let's go back a bit. And we'd been writing all day. All morning. Well, not all morning. Henry would have arrived probably at the crack of half past 11. So we'd have been probably chatting for half an hour, done two minutes of writing and then broken for lunch. So all day? All day. All of the effective working hours. We had lunch and then we definitely had a salad because I remember Henry complimenting

me on the heavy vinegary leanings of my dressing. Oh. You see, I absolutely, I love a tart dressing. He also was pleased that I had put some toasted pine nuts in it. Oh, I love a toasted pine nut. But then to my horror, I saw while I was preparing the dish, that he was attacking the bag of pine nuts as if they were an amuse bouche. Bear in mind this, I didn't have a lot of money.

I mean, that was like, he put about a month's worth of wages into his gob in pine nuts. It's a premium nut. It's a crazily expensive his gob and pine nuts. It's a premium nuts. It's a, it's a, it's a crazily expensive nut. The pine nut. So generally speaking, it's so hard to track that each one. Yeah. I mean, the amount of people that have to die to capture a whole bag of pine nuts. It's elusive pine nuts.

Each pine tree creates one pine nut in its lifetime. Right. And it's 200 year lifetime. And you have to be there on the day that it sprouts. And then of course there'll just be a melee of pine nut hunters that you'll have to sort of machete your way through if you want to call it. Oh, it's a horrible scene, but it's worth it. It's a horrible, horrible scene.

It's delicious. But when you toast it, and if you over toast it, all those people died in vain. Absolute tragedy. It's an absolute tragedy. Very easy to over toast them. So you prevent that pre-toasting by just eating them out of the plastic bag? Just eating straight out of the bag. You know what Mike, I literally, I over toasted a handful of pine nuts the other day.

I'm sorry to hear it. Well, maybe that's why you're being so crotchety today about your bread. Could be. It did piss me off. I was going to scatter them over a... A grave? Yeah. It's what you scatter over the grave of a Greek widow.

Why has she got a grave? Well, if she's her husband is dying. Or maybe you'd like to be chased around for the rest of your life by the flaming, cursed, fatter man. So sorry, Mike. So you got off to a good start with the... Yeah, I was feeling thrilled and he was happy, he was sated. I think there would have been cheese and bread and all that kind of stuff. He eats it, he likes a big lunch.

I mean, I love a big lunch. Certainly back then you could get through it. And I was aware of this. I did not run out. You were very happy. Well, the thing is, Mike, we were both, Mike, we were both financially struggling at the time, which is why I would always insist that the meetings happened at your place. I wouldn't eat for several days before a meeting. But also, I'd also let you know through a series

of subconscious subliminal signals over the preceding six months that I absolutely adored the premium end of the nut market. Cashews, pine nuts. So you were happy and yeah, yeah, and would have applauded and belched gratefully and all the rest of it. And I was just putting a pot of coffee on and I thought, well, maybe you'll fancy a little sweet, a little pudding. And what I had were yogurts, which would have been my go-to at the time. I offered him a yoghurt and he was just, I mean the atmosphere went from- It would have done. Just glorious to total pig shit in a nanosecond.

Yeah. Frankly, there's no amount of pine nuts you could have given me that could have prepared me for that. You did stay for your coffee, I think, but, uh, things were drawn to a close. I think I just have a thing, which is when I, when I look at yoga, I, it's sort of the blood drains out of everyone's face in the room, my face, it drains so fast out of my face, it'll drain out of anyone looking at me's face as well. Yeah.

So I did, but I didn't warn you Ben, because I, I hoped that he would have a, have his moment before you ever needed to find that out. I still hope that moment's in his future. Yeah, but for now, screw yogurt and screw both of you. Well, I'm going to go and have the yogurt right now. No, no, yogurt, to be fair, yogurt is, you know, obviously, yeah, no, I can see why it's so big. It is after all a flavorless and textulous non-liquid. F you.

There's a pause. And then things get mega. The beat goes... Let's turn on the beam machine. This week's topic, as sent in by Cameron from Milton Keynes. Thank you, Cameron. Is Jazz. This is shit! Henry you're turning into quite the naysayer this episode. Stop the jazz! No, no, I'm not anti-jazz. I think a lot of people probably have this, is I went through a very demonstratively being into jazz phase at university. Okay, that's quite a classic though, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, I saw that before. When you went demonstratively, were you going for like the classics or were you going deliberately into quite difficult jazz, modern jazz? How hard? How hard did you push it? I went big classic. So we're talking Mars Davis. Yeah. Kind of blue. Yeah. We're talking Rod Stewart, Rod Stewart. Kenny G. The thing is when I was at university there was quite, I think retrospectively, quite a heinous musical era was happening which was acid jazz. Ooh, see I think I quite liked acid jazz. I did like it at the time. I don't know if it's aged well. Were Jamiroquai technically Acid Jazz? Or were they merely inspired by Acid Jazz?

Because I definitely, while you were doing that, I was probably being demonstratively very boring about the fact that the Jamiroquai bassist was really good actually. Listen to this, listen to this, it's really tight. Listen to this, stop walking away from me. Can you come back and listen to me? Can someone listen to me about listen to this, it's really tight. Listen to this. Stop walking away from me. Can you come back and listen to me? Can someone listen to me about how tight this is? Yes, it's the Godzilla soundtrack, but it's funky. Was never really a fan of Jumericois

myself. I definitely had a couple of Jumericois CDs back in the day. You still think like them? No, just not for me. Yeah. It felt a bit like a parody of something else. But hang on, he could both dance and sing. And have a big hat on. It was all going on.

It was going on below the waist. It was going on at pipes level and from the crown up. So what is acid jazz? Maybe I don't know. There was a band called Chord Roy, I remember. You're evading the question. Who were big, it was big, thick, funky kind of vibes. Was it modern funk jazz?

I think I, yeah. If that's what it was, I think I did like it. I'm a fan of funk. Was it modern funk jazz? I think I'd yeah, if that's what it was, I think I did like I'm a fan of funk, always still love funk. So certainly when I was university anyway, the 70s were back in in the same way that I think the 90s are back in now. Yeah, for young people. So like, funky stuff was kind of back in and that's why like acid jazz was happening. I did my dip my toes into it. But in terms of proper jazz, Art Blakey, it

was such a... I mean, do you know that Art Blakey and the Jazz Messengers? They all had really cool names. The albums had really cool covers. It was just very cool, except for the Listening to It experience, which was really, really cool. It wasn't. It was good. Herbie Hancock. Oh, he's amazing. The names, Herbie Hancock, they all have incredibly cool names. Yeah. And they sound like Oscar Peterson. It's a cool name. Yeah. Or is it? Or is it just because he's good at jazz that it's a cool name? No,

Oscar Featson is a cool name. And a cool guy. Chet Baker. Yeah. Chet. I mean, what? I couldn't pull off Chet. Okay, maybe. Yeah. I'm being hard on it. Yeah. No, but could I was the jazz flute with my jazz flute. I did you know, I had the flute. I had the flute at university. I did grade four at school. I'm not not a big deal. Right. Grateful. It's pretty. Yeah, it is. It's not a big deal. No. So I took it to uni and people were trying to tell me to get into jazz flute. I think it's fantastically difficult, isn't it? That's cool, but it's fantastic. Like jazz,

I played the violin as a kid at school, very, very poorly for a very long time. I go into jazz as a teenager, but I can remember asking my violin teacher if he could teach me, teach me jazz. Like, I've got a grade five now I'm ready it's time and he just sort of looked at me inside and rolled his eyes said just just eat this eat this six pack of yogurt this is your reach to yogurt moment it was a clear no I think it's one of the first times in my childhood that someone had just like had asked to do something relatively constructive and so on. Just said, no, we're not even going to try that. No.

But you see, that's why you reach for yoga at that moment because yogurt first comes to us as a salve. A salve to the mediocre. A salve to mediocrity, isn't it? Because it's what the word yogurt means. Because think that music teacher, he said that to you. He was right. I assume he snapped your...

My arms in half. Yes. To make sure you could never play the violin again. He would have snapped your arms and also he would have snapped one forward, one backwards. Because if you snapped them both, you still theoretically could have played the violin behind you. So he'd have made sure he would have set fire to your moustache, I'm guessing. Yeah.

But using a sort of a long burning sort of paraffin paste. It burned for weeks as a warning to our children. Because, because if he'd just used lighter fluid, it would have burnt off. Um, and would have just been agonising, but only for a few hours. Yeah, it would have left a lot of crispy sort of hair ash in his practice room, which he doesn't want. And of course, he would have presumably got some Bunsen burners under the music stand to heat it right up. Yeah. So as I was folding my music stand back up with my horribly broken arms,

my palms were being burnt to blisters. Yeah. And, and when you've had a day like that and you're on your, on your, you're on your way home and you pass a supermarket and there's a big sign in the window and there's a picture of the general manager of that, that local supermarket up to his nipples in yogurt, you go in, don't you? And that's, that's how, that's how yogurt gets you. I think, cause it's, um, it obviously has a maternal quality, doesn't it? Yogurt. how, that's how yogurt gets you. I think, because it's,

it obviously has a maternal quality, doesn't it? Yogurt. So there's a comfort, there's a comfort there. Especially if you go to one of the larger Sainsbury's where it's vended from a huge teat. That's right. And, but of course I, maybe the reason I don't have yogurt in my life is because I've never had that moment. I played the flute. They said, Henry, you're very good at flute. I did biology at GCSE level. They said, um, let's leave it there. But do you know what? I never had that door slammed in my face. Yeah. Ben, I assume that what was

it for you? And very similar story. Yeah. 14 years old, grade four violin. Yeah. Don't know what it was that morning. Something in the air. But I looked at Mr. Jones and said, could I ever play jazz on this thing? And, um, yeah, snapped my arms off, heated up the music stands, forced me to. Yeah. Yeah. And the words, what's the matter? Isn't Packerbell good enough for you? It still rings in my ears. Yeah. They're right. They're right. These people. And then I got home and just smashed 50 Muller corners. Yeah. But you also discovered why it's called Packerbell's cannon, isn't it? Cause he's strapped you onto the cannon, didn't he? Get in Packerbell's cannon. Get it now. And it shoots you out and you land in the yogurt section of a hypermarket. So Henry, did you spend your university years playing jazz flute?

No, but to be honest, they were begging me practically to continue with flute. In the university scene, was it this university specifically that was starved of jazz flute and everything else? When I was at school, there was an orchestra in my school. I was made third flute. I had everything else. When I was at school, there was a, an orchestra in my school. I was made third flute. People who know about orchestras will know that generally speaking often there, there isn't more than two flutes. Well, Oh, and I suppose bronze athletes don't deserve congratulations. So were you scoring?

What were you doing? Well, were you fully corked? I was corked that the flute was cling filmed and it was cheesed. So a grade two level cheddar had been run through the mouthpiece and all the way up the loop. And you'd just be warming up your ambushes on the sideline, wouldn't you? Yes, exactly. Exactly. I was a super sub in theory. Never called on. But anyway, I was so fluked, but I realised what happened was during a rehearsal once, I realised that. So we were

all rehearsing, I thought, I'm just going to stop playing for a minute and see what happens. No one noticed. Do you think that the whole thing would grind to a halt? For the love of God, man! Something's missing, what is it? For the love of God, man! Something's missing, what is it? You're keeping the Brahms alive, Packer! Don't cut off Brahms' oxygen, you're strangling Brahms!

Even the kettle drums are abruptly silent. Brahms is dying a second time! Yeah, so I could play nothing that didn't make a difference. So that, that ease things off a bit during rounds, but then I, then I realized it was, I should actually probably move my fingers around a bit and keep the puck at loop lip position. At which point I may as well just play. I mean, if you go to that much sort of efforts to not play.

Exactly. It was almost more effort to not play. To the, yes, to physically not breathe over the top of the flute. It's quite challenging. Yeah, exactly. Really, really quite hard. So what I did instead was I randomly played, so then I would experiment and I actually ended up randomly playing London's Burning in the main school concert at the end of the

year. Everyone else was playing Brahms and I was sat there going, you fucking losers. I'm playing London's Burning here and I'm getting the same amount of accolades as everyone else. You fucking fools. Packer, you said that through the flute. You should. No, but yeah, so I used to play London's Burning during all the concerts. Pretty cool. I mean, that's quite a jazz move, isn't it? It's actually quite a jazz move, weirdly. It's the kind of thing that Oscar Peterson would have done like an album of covers of London's burning in different cool ways.

Yes. But you know what? I remember I developed a dislike of two things at the same time when I was at school, I remember which I've forever linked classical music and tennis. Cause they were both things that I was bad at at school and got, and got, and got sort of, um, talk to, cause it's got sort of, so tennis was a sports option at my school. You had to sort of audition for tennis. So I turned up, I did a speech from Henry V. Not the main one, I thought it'd be quite interesting, it was a post-Asian

Corps speech. And they said it word, one word, hammy. Lacky and topspin. Yes. I failed to get into tennis. They just didn't let me in. I thought, screw you tennis. And also I was bad at classical music and I thought, screw you classical music. You've been plotting your revenge ever since.

So for you, the ultimate act of rebellion would be playing London's Burning on the flute on a tennis court. At the Wimbledon final. Yeah. But that's why, cause that's why I sort of gave up flute. But I remember there was a bit, there was a, there was a conversation about jazz flute is that, cause I thought that might be a cool way to continue. Cause it was obvious to everybody that I was going to be cool.

I was too cool for classical music. I was too cool for tennis. Not too cool for judo. I did judo. I watched a bit of judo at the Olympics this year. I don't love it as a sport. I can wrestle anyone to the ground as long as we're both wearing sleeping gowns. And the right way round.

The right way round. And if he's worse than me at Judo, which is weak. And a very thick belt. And very, very, very thick belt. Tied correctly. And on a padded floor area. So if you ever try and mug me wearing- Straight out of bed. Yeah, straight out of bed. Maybe it wasn't Judo I was watching at the Olympics. What's the one where it seemed like

basically the- The ancient wrestling. the ancient wrestling. There's the aim of like, no, the aim seemed to be just to kick the other guy's head off. Oh, that was Taekwondo. Ah, Taekwondo. I found Taekwondo quite disappointing because I assumed I'd tune in, it would be like a sort of Jackie Chan type thing. And you just see the most spectacular martial art, the greatest martial artists in the

world doing their crouching tiger thing. But they're wearing too many pants for a start. They can barely move. What you want, Mike, is the dark Olympics, isn't it? Where it's all the same events, but no rules. Everything is to the death. Shot put to the death. Staple chase to the death. Diving into lava. Well, they have to dive up the other way, don't they? It's get out. Just try to get

out of the lava and up onto the diving board very, very hard. Dressage on a tiger. That you've just met. Javelin done by the main judge at your face, you the competitor. So which ones do you do? That's more wrestling, is it? That's more wrestling, yeah. Up close, person that sort of throws and grapples and holds. It's like a sort of respectful fight that two wise people might have if they're having a sleepover.

Yeah, it's kind of unusual, but it's still very painful and actually still goes down as a sort of traumatic, it still goes down as a painful school memory along with the tennis humiliations, the classical music humiliations going to judo because every day at judo, I would have to suffer physical pain because a really, really tall boy called Alan would basically pick me up and drop me on the floor and it really, really, really hurt. We had Neymar Dactditt who went through puberty when he was two and a half years old. Yeah, that was our Alan. Or also there was Neymar Dactditt who was very lightly built, but just naturally gifted at judo and just would utterly destroy you.

Wow. To get to judo, I had to take a bus weirdly. And I remember once getting, getting off the bus and then three muggers or like people who were trying to mug me, chasing me and running, sort of running to get back on the bus. I remember thinking, I'm trying to avoid getting mugged on the way to somewhere I'm definitely going to get hurt by Alan. Time to read your emails.

Yes, please. If you'd like to email us, do so at three beans salad pod at gmail.com. This is from Sam. Hello, Sam. Hi, Sam sam hi sam dear beans this week i decided to head out for my first ever solo wild camp on the isle of hoi oh where's that this is my official entry for the title most northerly listening in the uk oh cool so that must be a scottish island scottish isle sounds like it doesn't it hoi you found it it's like it, doesn't it? Oh, look, Hoi. Have you found it? It's like it's in the Orkneys. Named High Island by the Vikings. Hoi certainly lives up to the title. It's Orkney's second

largest island. Sam writes, I hiked for about three hours to find the perfect secluded spot under beautiful sunshine and didn't mind the difficult and boggy terrain. However, as the evening drew in, it began to rain quite heavily. I was cold and soaked to my skin as my posh new raincoat turned out to be devastatingly shit. I panicked as I couldn't find a safe place to pitch up. All the while the native aggressive bonksy birds… The native aggressive bonksy birds? Is that an adjective or a species name?

I don't know. Bonksy with an X. The bonksy birds of the Isle of Hoy. You look up a Bonxybird. Never thought about those, Sam. Oh, it's a real thing. It's a great skewer, sometimes known by the name Bonxy. Well, there we go. So all the while the native aggressive Bonxybirds circled ever closer to me with their threatening, yet slightly sexy, warning calls.

But it was too late to turn back. What if I couldn't get dry and was left a shivering mess? What if I broke my ankle? In an unseen rabbit warren, one of the Bonxies decided to take my eyes. Surely I was destined to perish and haunt this desolate mountainside. I was overwhelmed with pessimistic thoughts, so in an attempt to lift my spirits, I decided to relisten to an old episode of three bean salad. Good choice.

Very wise. In a survival situation, it's page one of the survival handbook. A lot of your mountain warehouse stores now, they'll sell you things like mozzie sprays that have a little episode of three bean salad. In liquid form. In liquid form. You can aerosol it. You can aerosol.

Because it's that and Kendall mint cake now, isn't it, are the two things that... Are the two matters we've been able to get an episode into in physical form, yeah. Yep. Yep. The next hour was one of the most challenging of my entire life. Grueling, miserable, I nearly lost the will to live. The walk was pretty hard going too. Oh, Sam, wonderful stuff. Play the jingle.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, the old switcherooch. Okay, yes, I see what you're saying. Yeah, you're saying that. What? I thought you were trying to say that. Oh, he's gone the other way around. I thought you were trying to say that... Oh, he's gone the other... What? Oh, he's gone the other way around. He means that... Oh, that's what he meant. Oh, what? So, what he said before wasn't actually...

I thought... Now he's gone the other way around with it. Oh, God. It's the old switcheroo. Nice level of lead up to that, I thought. Nicely done. Didn't see it was coming until it was upon you, which I like. Wasn't too much build up. So I mean, well done Sam, obviously your boundaries in

the post. Yeah. And thank you. For me, that's, you know, when they lift, they hold up, the judges hold up the numbers in gymnastics. That for me is an eight, I think. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Very solid eight. Very strong. Very, very strong. Well done, Sam, for doing switchery. It was at our expense though wasn't it it often is these days yes it tends to be yeah yeah so um bit of a shame does that mean he you can't you think you can't get to perfect tens if it's i didn't get to perfect tens if you feel like you've been disbanded in some way yeah but it's out there isn't it the perfect switcheroo it's out oh it's out there it's out out there. So we still await it.

Well, we'll know that we've read it out when all of our brains explode. But so what I would say to the emailers, thanks very much, but I do hope that Bonxybirds shits on your head at some point this year. But he still gets the badge. Yeah. Badges in the mail. Ben emails, do you remember we were talking a while ago about, I think we were talking about what year biscuits were created. I think the question, my question to you was what do you think is the last great Yes. Biscuit.

The last great biscuit. During the canon. What did we, what did we decide? Well, we went a ways back, didn't we? Yeah. We got it all wrong. Cause I think Mike went for custard cream. It turns out they're from the 1800s.

Oh, right. And then we discovered that M&S was starting to cover them in chocolate, right? Yeah. That's right. Anyway, kind of on that topic, we've had an email from Ben and basically the long and short of it is all in the email subject title, which is, Chibatta is younger than my dad. Was he sired by the very stones of Stonehenge? He says I would have put my pension on Chibatta being a 1600 delicacy, but Chibatta was actually

invented. Let's have a guess. By Margaret Chibatta? I'd have said that Chibatta is pre-human. It's so old. I mean, I mean, there's, there's, there's, we evolved in order to eat Shibata. Yeah. There's nothing that can be old. I mean, for me, there's, I just, there's, there's no, there's no figure that's old enough for Shibata to be. Really? I would have thought it would have been a Victorian, it would have been like, it would have been designed as a four grand tour tourists.

Okay. That's good. Posh Northern Europeans and who would have been horrified to reveal, to discover that bread was just the same everywhere. So they sexed up bread for the tourists. Interesting. It's the only bread that has so many air bubbles in it that you can use it as essentially as a purse or wallet or sort of luggage, isn't it?

Cause you can put stuff in it. Or a float if you have. Or a float. If you're learning to see it. Exactly. Yeah. It's almost, it's more than 50% air I'd say a lot of the time which about luggage, isn't it? Cause you can put stuff in it. Or a float if you're or a float. Exactly. Yeah. It's almost, it's more than 50% air. I'd say a lot of time with Gibata, isn't it? Well, the Gibata was invented in 1982. Good Lord. You two are both older than the Gibata. Yeah. Screw you. Um, who am I? And I did some research. It was invented in reaction to the success of the baguette. Which was invented in 1981. What?

Well, no, I think baguettes are old, but they had a bit of a... In the 70s, lots of people got into baguettes. I'm sure before the 70s, you couldn't get a baguette in Britain, for example. But where was it invented? Italy. So a guy in Italy was like, Italy needs to raise its game because the baguette's taking over. To take on the baguette. Yeah.

Okay. And the people of Europe needed something else to talk about apart from the Falklands War where everyone's a bit bummed out. Let's invent a new bread. In my mind, I don't think it's true that baguettes were invented during the Napoleonic Wars as a way to conceal swords. to conceal swords. Is that right? Yeah. So you go to instead of fighting the enemy, you didn't write them around for lunch or for a picnic and you'd give them a baguette sandwich and they'd say, I've never

had a baguette. What is it? And you'd say, Oh, don't worry. It's a new kind of bread and it's got prawns in it. And then they chew on it. Just rest the end of it against your chest there. It goes straight in. Also you put it straight into your... It's the only sandwich that you put straight into halfway down your esophagus. From the outside. In the confusion you kill them. I think it was invented by Napoleon because it was the same shape as Josephine's leg.

Josephine who's famously very self-conscious about her legs, was absolutely furious. About her crunchy legs. Her crunchy, needless legs. No, I think they may have been invented because they're easy to transport, something in the Napoleonic Wars. Okay. But then, so, Chabata, that's's a cool fact if it's true. Joe emails, greetings beans. I must say your podcast has been the talk of my household lately because my two young

lads aged 7 and 10 have become absolutely obsessed with your unicorn banter. Just last week we took the family on a trip to West Midlands Safari Park. As we approached the giant snake slide where you emerge from the serpent's gaping maw, my youngest piped up and said, Dad, that must mean that you get on the slide through the snake's bum. This prompted my eldest lad to let out a gloriously camp, mmmm, digestive track talk, in a spot on German accent. As you can imagine, the other parents in the Vicente weren't overly impressed with this outburst, but I have to say there was a glimmer of pride in my eye

as I told him to keep the noise down. Lovely stuff. I do hope the three of you are comfortable with the influence you're having. Keep up the great work, Joe. Very much so. Thank you, Joe. Lovely stuff. Congratulations on a fine set of sons. Really good. And also good to let people know it's quite a nice bank holiday option, isn't it?

So the West Midlands Safari Park is essentially a safari park where you get to drive up really quite close to people from the West Midlands. They will take your windscreen wipers off though. So please make sure your radio aerial is inside the car before you start because they'll have that. Yeah, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't try and stroke them. It's actually not ethical. And yeah, look out for dung in your tire treads. But it's a lovely way to almost feel like what would it actually be like, you know,

to, to, to, to be, to be from the West Midlands or to, or to quite, it's not as nice thing for children to witness, isn't it? Well, so many of their storybooks are set in the West Midlands or two or two quite it's not a thing for children to witness isn't it well so many of their storybooks are set in the West Midlands so so many of the storybooks set in the West Midlands they know certain things for example if you get attacked by some of the West Midlands they know that you should run diagonally up a tree but perfectly still but remaining perfectly still but but kids it really feeds their imagination and that's why you can see so many kids have sticker books or stickers of you But remaining perfectly still. But kids, it really feeds their imagination, doesn't it? And that's why you can see so many kids have sticker books or stickers of, you know,

anthropomorphized West Midlands people. Exactly. So imagine like a man from the West Midlands, a lot of anthropomorphized it so that... So he's got a face. He can speak. So there'll be a face. There'll be a face. But on the other side of his head or just to the left of his actual face, there'll be a sort of cartoony, a more cartoony version of the face. Or sometimes in the middle of the torso. But of course it is important. There's another message is actually important that we do protect places like

the West Midlands, isn't it? And, and actually people say, is it wrong that, um, there are also holiday tours now where you can go and hunt people from the West Midlands. And so my attribute to this is, okay, it's a bit distasteful when you see some sort of, you know, some, some sort of rich American guy who's got a, um, like the pelt of a, of a West Midlands Ryman's manager, for example. Sometimes they'll display the tusks. And the meat's gone to waste. That was the tragedy.

Yeah. But my personal view is if it's done legally, you can actually use that industry to help protect people who are actually from the West Midlands. And the offal can be used to boil down to a very nutritious soup as well. It can. And also you can Biltong it. As, as Joe no doubt will have seen from the, the gift shop section on the way out of the safari complex. Exactly.

It's much chewier and much stringier than, than animal Biltong, but twice the protein, actually, so. Uh, sorry to all of our listeners in the West Midlands. much stringier than animal built on, but twice the protein. Actually. So sorry to all of our listeners in the West Midlands. A poles. And then Henry's already struck out Derby. So we've basically got the whole of the Midlands now kind of. Is Derby in the West Midlands? East Midlands I'd say Derby.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. So you're kind of covering both bases there. Yeah. This is from Caroline. Hello Caroline. Hi Caroline. Dear beans, I recently started listening to your podcast after my partner recommended it. And I love it. But something has bugged me since following your Instagram. I had seen a picture of the three of you prior and apologies to Ben and Henry. I only really knew who Mike was. Right. This one we're not. We're not recording. This one's.

Right, this one we're not, fuck this, we're not recording, this one's, yeah, this one's not going in the show, let's move on. Because he got a hemorrhoid on Taskmaster. It's back in. I then assumed, silly of me really, that Ben was bald and that Henry had hair. Yeah, I couldn't believe that. I've got hair energy. I've got, actually, some of you close your eyes and listen to me, I've got some of the most fabulous hair. Yeah, but it's in the wrong place. But it's in the wrong place. It's all just under my eyes. In a sort of perfect monk's

tonsure all the way around the middle of my head. With your nose coquettishly poking through. That's right. Yeah, exactly. With your nose coquettishly poking through. This was not because of the alliteration, bald Ben, but because the bald man look struck me as if you could work in an office, and Ben was an office name. And then the name Henry suited an ex-Oxford student, a floppy-haired artist. I thought she was going to go arsehole, you know. I would put money on arsehole.

It was implied. It was implied, wasn't it? It's kind of the same thing. head artist. When I learnt this wasn't the case after watching one of your Insta reels, I have thought about you both every day. I can usually get a grasp on what a person is like, but I now feel lost and unsure if I know anyone truly at all. That's interesting. Caroline, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm not quite sure how to help really with that. I'm not that pleased with the idea that my vibe is like Office Drone.

No, there's a lot of times. There's Henry the artist, there's Mike the television comedian, and then there's Ben, the Office Dullard. Who seems to do most of the work. What why is um why is Ben's skin that colour? Is it because we think it's because he's been around the photocopier for so long that his body has started to blend in? Because he's photocopier white isn't it? Yes he's become photocopier white. Because he's photocopier white, isn't it? Yes, he's become photocopier white. And some parts of his body are manila buff.

That's right. And don't panic if you go into the toilet after him, he has magenta piss. But don't panic. Please, please, please don't press your buttocks on him and try and find the button. Please. He can send imprints of buttocks to other bends in other offices around the world. Quite embarrassing. Yeah, interesting. I saw an article the other day, you know, every every now and then an article pops up going cure for baldness found a it's not a disease.

Be but is there a cure please because I'm interested. It's not a disease, but I would like to be cured. Even though it's not a disease. Can you cure it, please? Every so often, there's an article in the newspaper. And so when I was initially going bald in my in my early teens, I would I would I would pounce on any news about cure for baldness found or whatever, or new hair replacement technique discovered or whatever. But I gradually sort of started to lose interest in them,

realised they were never really true. And also they happen less and less. It's a sort of bereavement, isn't it? It's a form of bereavement, isn't it? Yeah. But also because actually it kind of takes you because I reached the accept, I thought I'd reached the acceptance stage of breedman in fact, when it occurred to me that actually, if you draw a face on an egg, it is quite attractive. And I realized that, do you know what I mean? Anyway, no, I thought I'd reached acceptance. But then I saw, but then a few weeks ago, I think it was BBC News website, wherever there was a thing about cure for baldness. And against

my better nature, I went, I thought, oh, maybe, it's been quite a long time since I've looked at one of these things. It's been 10 years, there's AI, AI has happened in the meantime. Vapes. meantime, vapes, the band Gorillaz, entirely animated band, were quite successful. You know, things have moved on. The future is now. The future is now. And I read it and it was, and it was like, these articles are such bullshit. It was just the usual thing of, there's been some breakthroughs, this scientist at this institution is saying they're excited about something. And then it's just like, but at the end of the day, sorry, you fucking snooker bullheaded pricks. It's basically not happening. And that was the usual thing at the end was like, you know,

one day maybe, sort of thing. I shouldn't have gone down, I shouldn't have gone down the road of reading the article. No, I think it will be a few years till I do it do so again. But you do get more and more people who have hair replacement therapy, it's become less of a kind of social to do hasn't it? Do you think that maybe I should actually think about what do you think? Is it too late though? Am I? If I stopped being bald, so what when you first think of me, do you think bald Henry? Or look, Caroline, I don't, I'm not sure exactly how we can help you necessarily, but take some comfort, however triggered your feeling. You can hear that Henry is substantially more triggers by the whole conversation.

Yeah. It's sorry. It's thrown up a lot of stuff for me. This. So yeah, I'd say I, yeah. Oh, old meathead forever. Thank you. Right.

Yeah. Cheers. Really stirred the stew, didn't you? She really did stir the stew. I'm a Bohemian. Yeah. Little leather waistcoat. Yeah?

Kilt. I organised the annual office quiz. I'm a free thinker. There's always a cheeky round. On Dress Down Fridays I bloom. An email now from Adam and Hannah. Hello Adam and Hannah. Hello Adam and Hannah. My wife and I are around halfway into the latest Beans, which we strategically listen

to towards the end of our two hour journey from Norfolk to London. We plan to listen to the second half on our return leg later this evening. As ever, it was top stuff. We found the contents around doing everything 12 hours early particularly funny. Unfortunately we have taken this to an extreme. We've just had a delicious pizza at the Franco Manca next to King's Place, the venue for the three bean salad live. My wife asked me to confirm I'd checked the tickets before setting off, which I had, safely in my email inbox and opened. 12 hours early is amateur, we are a full week early for the show. No, no, no.

Oh god. Alas, our childcare for tonight is not available for next weekend, so I'll be sending tickets. Attached is a picture of my confused wife. And of all the play, Norfolk is notoriously impossible to get to or from at any time in any conditions. My sat nav literally doesn't believe that there is a place called Norfolk, like it just panics. The amount of times I've given up on a journey to Norfolk and I'm still well within the M25 when I give up. It's not going to happen. It's too hard. Oh dear. Yeah, it's a not hard. So I've just sent you the photo of, of, of Hannah, so outside the venue looking.

She's taking it well. She looks like she's taking it well. I mean, they, they went to Franco Manker. It's a lot of way to go for a Franco Manker, but it's not bad. You know? Yeah. I mean, it's, it's gone downhill. She seems, yeah, she seems sanguine.

Let's hope it was. Yeah. There's a loveless quality. I'd say to that say to the pizzas. I think Franco Manker is someone that fell deeply head over heels in love with sourdough pizza bases in the sort of late noughties, whenever it was. And he's gradually fallen out of love with them since. I'd say Franco Manker and sourdough can barely look at each other right now.

Do you know what I mean. I don't mean yeah. And the paucity of topping bread. The topping barely barely covers the breadth of the base. They wouldn't have been worried about that. Hannah man, Adam, Hannah man, Hannah man, which is palindromic. It's the same both way around. Is it Hannah man, Adam, Adam and Hannah man, Adam? Yeah, then they wouldn't have been worrying worrying about that at the time because they thought

they were about to go and see it. A top end show. A premium show. A premium London. A full Swami Lumi... I mean it's an experience, Mordy Show. So yes, our live show is coming up this week on Friday and Saturday nights. We've sold the tickets to be there, but if you want to watch a live stream, you can buy tickets for that. And I'll put a link to the

live stream tickets in the show notes for this and join us on, I think it's Friday night at seven o'clock and Saturday night at seven o'clock. And there's beef and dairy show as well. You're streaming that, Ben, the beef and dairy. Yes. That is also sold out, but you could stream that. What's that? Saturday afternoon? Saturday afternoon at two o'clock. Nice. By the way, I've got a bonus thing to talk about. Which is on Thursday, the latest children's book by Adam Kay illustrated by me is out.

Hooray! It's called Dexter Proctor, The 10 Year Old Doctor. I like it. And it's a fiction book for children. It's really good. It's got fantastic words by Adam Kaye and some semi-decent cartoons. From old HP. Yeah. Have you read it, Mike? It's absolutely brilliant. I have read it. My children have read it. They absolutely loved it. We read it. We enjoyed it. Adam sent us a cheeky little copy to enjoy at a point when he had written it, but the illustrator hadn't got around to doing the pictures yet. So it was a completely illustration-free copy that we've got in the house. And would you recommend that as a way of experiencing it, Mike?

And it's that level of supportiveness from Mike that I find so touching is that he will read my books but insists on reading them before my illustrations have gone. It's a good control experiment isn't it to see how good the illustrations are, if you ever got around to reading it with the illustrations. If you see me leafing through a book in a water stone any time soon and spitting tacks, you'll know why. Finally seen the illustrations. What's it called again, Henry? know why. Finally seen the illustrations.

What's it called again, Henry? It's called Dextreprocter, the 10 year old doctor. Lovely. Pretty, pretty good stuff. It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon.com. Thanks everyone who signed up on our Patreon.com. Thank you. Patreon.com forward slash three bean salad. Thank you very much.

There are various tiers you can sign up at. You get ad-free episodes, bonus episodes, and if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge, where Mike was last night. Indeed I was. Uh oh. It was the annual trip, wasn't it? You all went off to see the Blackpool leguminations, didn't you? No. We did, thank you, Henry. And here's my report.

Sean Bean loungers gathered in the Sean Bean coach depot at High Noon yesterday to be conveyed to Blackpool for the hotly anticipated annual Leguminations, the number one Lentland P based light show in Lancashire. The highly desirable back row of the coach would ordinarily be occupied by Sean Bean himself, but as a Yorkshireman passing through Lancashire, Sean Bean insisted on recreating in part the Walls of the Roses and sacking Lancaster en route to the show. He rode astride a steed comprised of George Andrew at the front and Non Taylor at the rear and was accompanied by a retinue of white rose bedecked knights including Bradley Boy and Richard Blakely Casey carrying sword and mace, Sonya Field and

Hannah Holst with 24 foot lances and Jamie Smith who only managed to rustle up a slotted spoon. To keep the hierarchy clear these knights rode on donkeyback with donkeys provided by Thomas Ahern, Gibnus Redner, Bort, Kyle Jane Ray and Alex Bailey the last of which developed asinine TB and had to be destroyed. Following on foot was a host of non-combat support personnel including Mike Anderlini, Arrow Sharpeners, Christian Harding and David Haviburg, First Aid and Pillage Admin, Thomas Haynes and Ramesh Varsani, War Drums, Flags and Merchandise and Pigeon GL as Squire charged

with facilitating the arse wiping of Knights who did not wish to remove their armour. This of course left the back row of the coach free and after a brief but intense scrap in the aisle those prized seats were claimed by Jonathan Chaffer, Rob Smedley, Princess Trussey, Damian Tavenor and Rupert. The journey itself passed largely without incident, except that Ross Stanley became weepy as Tommy Fox had promised to sit next to him before actually sitting next to Ricky Irving after discovering Ricky had the use of his older brother's Gameboy.

Jock Fraser discovered his packed lunch contained salami sandwiches which he had specifically asked not to have. And Matt Bray was accidentally left behind in the arcade at Charnock Richard's services. In Blackpool itself, Alice Hardman, Kieran Bennett and Gabby Oakes were all entranced and had their vision corrected by the chickpea laser show. Dan Knight and Steve Tragidjo were all struck by the soybean strobe, while Brian Ebden was moved to tears by a brilliantly spotlit peanut. Cries of alarm went up at this stage, however, when locals noted that an altogether different light show was afoot.

Hilltop beacons outside the city had been lit, suggesting the approach of enemy forces for the first time in more than 500 years. It was, of course, your friend and mine, Sean Bean, whose militia, having taken heavy casualties, had attempted to strengthen their number by setting free and trying to recruit the larger carnivores from Blackpool Zoo. Sean Roach, Ariane and Open Coven were set upon by a pack of Iberian wolves. Philip Hatton, Chris Ford and Seven Pilks Seven were torn apart by ape of baboons on the Atkins diet, while Alex Calder and Esme Hawkes found themselves toe to toe with a 600lb tigress. Lucy Mitchell and Tricia W were carried away by an American hog-nosed skunk, and Peter Elliott was taken to Blackpool Winter Gardens by an Orinoco crocodile and forced to read all the blurbs. Mercifully, not a single legume

was harmed. Thanks all. OK, let's finish off with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you. This is from John. Hello John. Thanks John. John says, In listening to your theme tune I realised that the melody line was basically one of the standard bass lines or the left hand piano lines used in various New Orleans songs.

So I've created a version playing on that vibe with some contemporary bounce ad libs. Bounce being the New Orleans version of hip hop. Wow. Nice. See what that's like. Anyway, until next time, goodbye. Cheerio. Thank you, Louisiana. Let me see ya, let me see ya just dance. Switch it up!

One's made. Two made. One Bane! Two Bane! Three Bane! That's us coming right there!