Three Bean Salad - Jeffreys/Geoffreys

Episode Date: September 29, 2021

Gavin has the beans unpack the topic of Jeffreys (Geoffreys?). In an episode stacked with boo boos and bungles the beans tackle Steves, Daves, rubber giraffes and whether or not scampi can ever be a verb.Get in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpodFeaturing "Orchestral Strings, Warm, A.wav" by InspectorJ (www.jshaw.co.uk) of Freesound.org

We've had a booboo. Now, this one, I'm not sure whether it comes under the heading technical booboo or human error booboo. Or human booboo. Yeah. I've no idea what happened, but it wasn't recording. We just recorded the greatest ever episode. It was.

Yeah. And Joe Rogan meets Mark Commode. And they're both surfing on adjoining surfboards and playing a full rally of badminton with each other while going along. Whilst investigating a miscarriage of justice. Yeah. But actually to its conclusion, with an ending. Oh, Mike, that's salty.

Was that a little dig at cereal? It was a sny little snippiness directed at any true crime thing that doesn't actually have an ending, which is most true crime things. I've been raised on too much morse to be able to handle. Exactly. Unclear endings. I want it tied up in a bow. And you want the person who did it to go down and face tough and rough justice.

Not interested in rehabilitation. No. Just crime and punishment, please. Russian prison. Yeah. That's what you want. You want all British criminals siphoned off into the Russian criminal system because you're sick of these prisons, aren't you, Mike?

They're like bloody. Oh, they're like centre parks. And all paid for by her majesties, her majesties expense of the tax man and woman. Yeah. Get them down a mine. Get them down some kind of shaft, doesn't he have to a mine shaft, be a lift shaft. Lift shaft. It could be just to see who's lift shaft, get them down a shaft.

The shaft of a bow and arrow into their brain. Oh, there we go. Finally. I hope the listeners are picking up on a degree of irony here. There's a degree of irony. I mean, the crime of who didn't record the bit of the episode we just recorded. Yes. We know who the perpetrator is there, Henry.

That's me. So I'm sorry. It's thrown me a bit. I think it's thrown me that. Just because you're the victim. Because I'm the victim and the criminal. I've robbed myself and the country. Some great chat about Ben's holiday and the sausages and stuff.

We can't try and recreate that simmering banter. That's gone forever. I wonder if maybe we should write it as a play and get actors to perform it. It'd be a tricky verbatim style play there because we've only we'd only be able to give them two thirds of the transcript. That would be the thing of the play. So one of the roles is fully improvised by the actor on any given day. Or do you just leave it blank and let the audience fill in the banter?

Because Henry's like a sort of every man character who the audience then embody. Yeah. Or is it one of those rotating cast ones where one night is Trevor Nunn and the next night it's Johnny Lee Miller and then back to Trevor Nunn and then back to Trevor Nunn the following night and then Clair Balding on the weekends. And then in matinees, it's Nick Knowles for the Older Crowd. And they're playing the Henry Packer role. They're playing the Henry Packer role.

So who's playing Mike and Mike and me? Who playing each other, maybe. Right. I play Mike. He plays me. And then a rotating cast of celebrities plays you. Yeah. How are we splitting the money? Because we're me and Mike having to do two shows a day.

Those celebs are going to take a big old chunk off the receipts, aren't they? The celebs are going to take a huge chunk of it. I mean, if there's anything left after Balding's lawyers have been through the contract, I'd be surprised. They are very front foot. Well, we have actually got the recordings of what we recorded that is my recording and Mike's recording. So we could get someone to fill in and try and work out what you might have said. Maybe we could release it as the first ever podcast interactive game

where people can download an incomplete podcast and just interact with your favorite podcast. You are Henry Packer. Here's your chance to be Henry Packer. Do you want to change the subject to A. Pigs. B. Crabs. C. Russell Crowe. And then you can see you can make two choose different different outcomes of the conversation.

Is that audio gaming? I think we invented a whole new gaming genre here. Audio conversational gaming. I could see it happening. Choose your own podcast adventure conversation chat. So all we'll need to do is record you guys in... Which we do anyway. Yes.

Which we do anyway. Well, we... Ben and I... But what we'll need to do is we'll need to break down. Well, there's two options. One is we try and calculate every possible conversation that could happen. We only do about four. There's talking about the Royal Family.

Exactly. There's not that many. Talking about Russell Crowe. Yeah, exactly. It's like guessing a pin... Well, it's not like guessing a pin number. But it's like guessing a pin number if you number was... If I only had one number in each pin number, did I mean? Well, it's not...

Yeah, and it was always between 0 and 4. That's one option. But the other option is we do it more like a sat-nav. Right. Where we get you guys to record every single word in the English language from the dictionary. And then... That's quite work-heavy, isn't it? And then the compute...

Well, it's a bit work-heavy, but then the computer will then put the chat together. The only problem with that is you'll get intonation problems. So it might be like, Prince Edward is being assaulted by a crab. Why? But your intonation there was perfect, Henry. So me and Michael are like AIs. Yeah, you'd be AIs of yourself so that they can take the conversation wherever they want.

The AI calculates the... The trouble with AI is they can get a computer to win at chess. They can even get a computer now to feel the emotion of love and write poetry. But can they get a computer to banter? That's the final. That's the last. Can a computer do lukewarm banter? Once a computer can do small talk and chat, yeah, then cross the Rubicon and it's time up.

Then that's when we're all done for. Yeah. Because 95% of any enterprise is small talk, isn't it? So for the computers and the robots to be able to take over the earth, they're going to have to be doing small talk in between, you know, strategy meeting to do with, you know, wiping out the major population centers and stuff. Oh, you can't go straight into that.

You can't. You need to get a house your day. So did you have a good weekend? Which country should we eliminate first? Exactly. Have you heard about the new XB1429 circuit board? Yeah, it's hard to imagine robot banting. That's the point, isn't it? That's the point we're making. I think your robot has got quite low self-esteem.

He's not able to assert himself very much. He sounds like he's not sure what to say. He's sort of edging around at the outskirts of a conversation. Hey, I've got a, I am suffering from a buildup of moisture in my fifth USB port. Know what I mean. Oh yeah, then he gets it completely wrong and everyone's disgusted. It's barely even 10 o'clock in the morning, Steve. Yeah.

Put your USB port away. Yeah. So, as I say, it's hard to imagine computer banter. So that's probably one of the reasons why at the moment humans still have to do podcasts. Yeah. When we can fully automate this, this will be quite good, won't it? Yeah. Also, in terms of that, you know, yeah, that thing of like, how difficult it is to calculate different combinations of things. I am... Coming in.

The old pin numbers. The old pin numbers. I've got a bit, but basically, it just reminded me that the other day, I was going through the TV channels, zapping around. And I came across a document, a pit of a documentary about the history of the subway chain, subway. Was it an advert? It was like a 30-second documentary.

It was really zippy music and it really rollered along, actually. The old documentary should be like this. And actually, and it wasn't just a documentary, it wasn't just interesting because it told you about how good the sandwiches are, but I shared some suggestions at the end, for example, you know, recommendations of some good deals. That's the best documentary I've ever seen. No, but it said that basically, apparently,

all the different combinations you can have of a subway, right? Apparently, if you went to a subway every day for the rest of your life and had a different combination... Probably quite a short life. Well, you'd need to live for 55,000 years to try out. Try out the different combinations. But is that like, hello, today I'm going to have the Italian BLT and can I have four sweet corns and then tomorrow I'll have five sweet corns?

Can there be a gherkin, but can the gherkin be on top of the sub rather than in the middle of the sub? And can you throw it at me? Can you throw the whole sub at my face? Can you fire this sub at me from the end of an alto saxophone, please? In fact, I've been working with a military historian and a baker and I've invented this thing which I'm calling a sub machine gun. Yeah?

And they say it fires over 200 sandwiches per second. Each one freshly made in the magazine. Each one freshly made in the magazine. I just want you to obliterate me for the subs. That'll be one of the options. That'll be towards the end of the 55,000 years. That's the final one. That's the final one, probably.

Thousandth year, yeah. Obliterated by a subway. Obliterated by a subway. I once went, I was once, my big claim to fame is that I was the first person ever to enter the subway on Kingsway in London's Hoban district. Well, well. What? When I was at university, I was walking past it.

It was maybe five to eight in the morning. There were loads of balloons outside. They'd obviously anticipated a queue because they had a kind of little roped off area. But there was no one there. And then the guy was like, Oh, if you, if you want to wait five minutes, you'll be the first person ever to walk into the subway and you can get a free, free. And he thought, this is it. Of course.

Do I? Come on. Just wait till the folks from back home hear about this. Hey, Ma. I was the first person in the subway today. I got a three foot long meatball marinara. Oh, what a way to start the day. I got a balloon.

Wow. Less useful. A polaroid photograph of myself was up behind the counter for over a year. No. Of me, like shaking hands with the manager, holding my foot long meatball marinara. That's amazing. Because it was their first one they'd ever made, though. Did it have a kind of slightly nasty chemical smell?

You know, when something's brand new, you sort of want to, you almost don't want to have the first one. I'd be like, I haven't washed the machine oil off it yet. Off the meatballs. They might not have washed the machine oil and the chlorine and the various chemicals off the bread. And it was, it was, it was delicious. What kind of style of bread did you get? I would have gone for Italian herbs and cheese,

which is the only rational option I would say when you're going to a subway. In a meatball scenario. Yeah, I'd agree with that. But I think in any subway sandwich, why would you ever go for non-Italian herbs and cheese bread? Political reasons. It would have to be political, wouldn't it? I'm reaching.

It would have to be political. Okay, time to turn on the bean machine. Okay. This week's topic is sent in by Gavin. And it is. Jeffries. Jeffries. My Route 1 brain immediately lurches towards the Rainbow Crew.

Oh, like Jeffrey, what was he? He was the Jeffrey Bungal and Zippy. Yeah. Was he a Jeffrey was the man? Wasn't he? No. Jeffrey was a hippo. Jeffrey was the hippo.

This was the stage when the podcast went very wrong. I would like to officially apologize on behalf of myself and the whole podcast crew. Jeffrey was not the name of the hippo in Rainbow. The hippo, of course, was called George. However, we continue to labor under this misapprehension for the rest of the episode. I believe this is my fault personally, and I am deeply, deeply sorry. I think Jeffrey was the man.

No. I think Jeffrey was a hippo. Jeffrey was the hippo. I think Jeffrey was the little, he was like a hippo, and he would go, oh, Zippy, stop doing that, you weird little Zippy man. He was the kind of like, he was the anxious straight, straight man. Yeah. He was the, he was the absolute nerd square dickhead.

Yeah. Right. Okay. That was Jeffrey the hippo. What was it? What was Zippy then? Zippy was a, looked like an alien, I would say, with a zip mouth. Yes.

That you could zip up. Then obviously there's Bungle. Bungle, the every man bear. Is the Bungle Chewbacca lawsuit still going? Bungle, he did have to get rid of his crossbow, I seem to remember at one point. And his spaceship. I think Chewbacca won that one, probably. Well, he had the heft of Hollywood behind him, didn't he?

I think Bungle, Bungle V Chewbacca win a fight. I think Bungle finds kind of reserves of really dirty fighting. I think Bungle won a few surprises. Yeah. Well, you know, that would be like the, the Rocky one where, the film where Rocky goes up against a sort of the Russian guy. The Soviet, yeah. Yeah.

So it's like, it's like technology versus just like bar brawl tactics. That's what Bungle would have. Bungle's a street bear. At the end of the day. And so while Chewbacca was still trying to reload his, was it a crossbow he had? He had a sort of laser crossbow, didn't he? His laser crossbow. He was trying to get another, another bolt.

They're quite hard to manage, aren't they? They're sort of light bolts. So you've got to sort of get, get, get your hand around a bolt. Yeah, in a space quiver. From your space quiver. There's a lot of faff. And before he's even sort of, yeah, lined that up, Bungle's just, just. Bitting half his ass off.

Bitting half his ass off. He's beating him across the head with a fire extinguisher. Yeah. Sure, he's been to drama school and he's got the RP accent and everything, but you know, he comes from the other side of the tracks to the Bungle. Did Bungle speak? Bungle spoke. I think Bungle often was the voice of reason.

Perhaps now I understand it because they understood that if they went against Bungle's judgment, it, it tear them to pieces. But what kind of accent did Bungle have? Was he like, shut it. Shut it, you little zippy c***. I'm thinking northeast looking at him, but that's my face. You having a look at him? I haven't looked at him online.

I thought he was like silent and kind of strong and silent. I remember him having an RP sort of standard English accent. How'd you think? Yeah, had a English. Ding dong. And then there was the human man. Who was he? Now he was called something like Jeffrey.

Feel like it was in the sort of Kenneth. Oh yeah. Graham. Malcolm. One of the 70s, 80s sort of names. It was a name where you really knew where you were with it. And therefore it almost didn't matter too much. Yeah.

Which one it was. In the same way, in our generation, there's about eight million mics. Yeah. And eight million sort of, you know, Dave's and Steve's. And I have known people in my life who have called me Dave and Steve. And I've got to the point where I've not bothered to try and correct them anymore. Because it's not much of a much, isn't it? I mean, it's just basically the same.

Those random blokes. It's like, if you're buying sweet corn, getting, you know, with nibblets. It's like, if you're buying a can of sweet corn, is it the slightly salted or sugar-free? You know, whatever their distinction is, it gives a shit. All the ones in the caramel centre. Yeah. The end of the day. It's like, he gives a shit.

This is sweet corn. It doesn't matter. It's like, I'm talking to a mic. I'm talking to a Dave. It doesn't fucking matter. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. This isn't.

I'm not really listening to what you're saying anyway. It's the conversational equivalent of sweet corn. It's got no nutritional value. It's just there. If you were coffee, you'd be instant coffee. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.

Yeah. We're being classified. Yeah. But actually, I think you're right, because I'm just a bit more googling. I believe the man who played the human was called Jeffrey Hayes. Is that possible? But what was his name in the show? What was his nom de guerre?

It was the problem with the time is there were so many people called Jeffrey that you'd have a guy called Jeffrey alongside a bear called Jeffrey. It was just, and that was accepted at the time. Yeah. It was a cast of four people. There's going to be at least two of them called Jeffrey. There's going to be at least two Jeffries. And you might be a Jeffrey portraying a Jeffrey as well.

I've done some, I'm doing a bit of research here into the cast. So confirming our theory that most people in the 70s and 80s were called Jeffrey. Yeah. The human character was called Jeffrey. And he was portrayed by the actor Jeffrey Hayes. Which is exactly what you were saying before. Yeah. Sometimes you do portray, you know.

Sometimes you'll have to portray someone of your own. And that's a particular challenge for an actor, isn't it? Because you've got to sail very close to your own wind, haven't you? But not too close. Have you ever played a Mike, Mike? I've played a Mike. I've played a Michael as well.

There you go. But I mean, that's a treat for me. I don't mind that at all, because that means I'm playing a character that's got a name. Okay, so that's a bonus. As opposed to a man selling Scampi, two. Or a dismembered leg. Yeah. Three.

Yeah. Man complaining about some Scampi. Man who looks like he's just eating some dodgy Scampi. I do get a lot of Scampi jobs. You get a lot of the Scampi jobs. But that happens to get to a certain age. You get all the Scampi jobs. Yeah, you get typecast, don't you?

Yeah. I don't mind it. It's a job, isn't it? Is it a living? You'll get to play a Scampi though. That's what you're after, isn't it? Oh, the number of times I've auditioned for Scampi. CGI Scampi roles.

Or the singular of Scampi, a Scampu. There's even my spec screenplay feature film, Scampu, that I've been sending out for years now. Yeah. We're drafting it, sending it to all the bigwigs. No one's taking it up. Is that kind of like, what kind of tone are we going for? Is that like a sort of Oscar fodder style movie?

Or is it more of a kind of family romp? It's very much a fusion of the two. Right. You're crying, you're laughing. Yeah, exactly. There's been tragedy, so it starts as a family romp. And that's what you think you're watching for the first half of the film. And then there's an absolute tragedy halfway through

where all of his family gets battered and ends up in a basket. Yeah. So it's kind of Pixar, then. Pixar vibe. Yeah. But I want it to be done in live action. That's part of the problem with the budget as well. Because I also want to be doing it with actual Scampi.

The other actors should all be actual Scampi. Oh, that's good working with non-actors. Because yeah, people that really know the territory. Yeah. That know what they know about it. Exactly. You get that kind of verisimetry, don't you, where you're using real, what are they, like lobster tails?

What are Scampi? Real lobster tails. Well, that's one of the things with Scampi. That's one of the reasons that the Scampus film has hit the skin. Scampu. The Scampu has hit the skin at the funding stage. No one really understands what they are. But that's what I'm trying to clarify.

And then it becomes a search for Scampu who's trying to understand what he is. Now that he doesn't have, you know, he had the identity as a family Scampu. Now he's lost that. What is he? Did he come from a bit of lobster? Does it matter? And also the big question that we all wrestle with,

at least at some point in our lives, is should you go for the Scampi? Or should you just go for the card like you normally do? The other question is always, is Scampi? Because I like to think that, or I think I generally believe that Scampi is a word that refers to the food version of an animal. So Scampi is like pork or beef.

Bees. Or bees. No, Henry, you're right. But it only refers to the tail of the animal. But does it refer to the tail or can you Scampi anything? Is it a process? So in the same way that you can sausage anything? I always see.

Can you Scampi any seafood by turning it into little bits and covering it in batter? Because that's not... You've never seen a... You've never gone snorkeling and seen some Scampi, have you? So I think that must prove something. I think so far in this episode, we've talked about two things which I imagine

our American listeners will have no idea what we're talking about. Oh, God, of course. Yes, Scampi is... Yeah, very... Because they'll call that something, they'll call it like, I don't know, homily seafood tails. Yeah. Yeah.

Boston Bull Bearings. I don't have a name like that. They will. Atlanta Aspirides. They totally will. And they'll do them in a version that involves loads and loads of cheese. That would be really, really lovely. And you pour more of the cheese on,

and then you add cheese to the cheese, and then you cheese up the sauce nice and cheesy. I love those... Those... Oh, I love that kind of American cooking. Can I... Can I do a mini pompadou? Yes, please.

And now it's time for... Pompadou section. Pompadou. I've thought for some time now that we need a jingle. I mean, this is me pushing my agenda. You know, you can tell me to shut up. As we all know, I'd like the episodes to be... Trying to squeeze out the chat.

90 to 95% jingle. Yeah. I'm all in favour of that. I think we might need an America jingle, because every week we talk about the American Anglon things, because we're quite obsessed. The American jingle. I think it's a good shout.

So in time-honoured, three-peen-celled jingle tradition, if you'll each give me a genre, and I will try and mash them together into the jingle. Yes, what... Well, my first thought is the Star-Spangled Banner, the electric guitar Jimi Hendrix version of Star-Spangled Banner. I'm thinking more along the lines of your college marching band. I mean, Mike, from my point of view,

that will be literally impossible to recreate without 150 marching... You could give also the sense that there's a highly choreographed march going on, but from a bird's eye view, spells out the names of all of the presidents of America since the get-go. And also, you want a sense that some of the people creating the music are jocks, and some of the people are nerds. Well, that's what you get with me, Henry. It's the perfect mix of nerd with that jock edge that I've got.

You know me. You are. You are the perfect fusion of the two, aren't you? I often wed you myself. Well, in lockdown, there's no one else to do it. Yeah, absolutely. She'll have her own heads down toilets, self-hazing. You also have to just kick over a fire hydrant, won't you, and rip your top off and sort of beat your chest.

Is that what they do? Which films have you been watching? So, yeah, I'll whip up an America jingle. Great. Yeah. I wonder the way to do this. Maybe we can just mention some American things, which I can turn into a jingle. Oh, that's a good one.

So, I'm going to go first. Yeah. Burgers. Grits. Mummers hooten any pie. Where are your sneakers? They're in the trunk of Mapa's Humvee. How would you like your eggs, sir?

Over-easy or under-easy? Or medium-easy? Or not easy? Quite easy. Sunny side fresh. On rye. Freshly squeezed. I'd like two tickets for the Chattanooga choo-choo.

Get me the DA. A slice of old mama's apple pie down the animal in New York City. No one's ever going to listen to this crazy new music you're making, Mr. Presley. Burgers. And the reason that I brought that up was because I don't think Americans will have heard of Rainbow. No.

We've covered whether they have scampi or not, I think. Can we explain what Rainbow was to them? Do you think they'll... I think we've always needed to explain that it was a children's program fronted by an alien with a zip for a mouth, a small hippo. Named George. The hippo's name was George. I am deeply, deeply sorry.

A bear. And a human man. And a human man called Jeffrey. He did have a very good... I think quite a lot of 70s and 80s TV was like this, actually. It had an incredibly good theme tune, but the actual show was probably quite bad. I can't remember the theme tune. No.

Gai. So I would say for an Americanist, no, Rainbow was our Sesame Street. Yes. Yeah, that's right. So really, Sesame Street was our Sesame Street, really. Yeah. No one near as good a Sesame Street. No.

Well, they saw our man in a bear suit and they raised it at Wally Mammoth, didn't they? In the puppet race of the Cold War. Yeah. I mean, Bungal looks for all the world like a Soviet TV character for children. I mean, there is a theory that it was Gorbachev in there. And that was his back channel. That was his back channel. To try and ease tensions.

The first step to Glasnost. And he saw our way of life and he saw that the, you know, well, through the repartee between Zippy and Geoffrey, that there was actually a better way of life potentially. From my limited experience of Geoffrey's, I think Geoffrey's do get a bit caught up in whether or not they're a Geoff or a Gioff. Yes. That's a big, that's the big.

That's the big thing. We've been scooting around. Yeah. Yeah. Let's just, let's just face this head on. We can't run away from it forever. Am I a J-E-Double-F or a G-E-O-Double-F? And what does that say?

I always feel like if you're a G-E-O-Double-F, it's a slightly pretentious move to try and anchor yourself in the public's imagination to the father of English literature, Geoffrey Chaucer. Oh, really? Because that's how he would spell it. So you're spelling it in this like old English way and you're subconsciously going,

I could have written The Wife of Bath. I've been knocking about. I've been busy. The Knicks Tale. The Night's Tale. That's one of them, yeah. Yeah. Isn't there a bit where a guy,

there's a bit in The Knicks Tale, I think, where a guy goes to the window of who he thinks is his lover to start a trist with her. But then her husband, I think, gets wind of what's going to happen. So instead puts his arse out of the window. A guy kisses the arse and then says something like, what beer do you hath grown?

Hang on a minute. So he thinks the arse is someone's face. The only thing that seems strange and different about this arse in relation to his lover is the huge protuberance of hair coming out of the arse. Is the lip texture on impacts? What beard do you have grown? What about the fact you haven't got any facial features

and you just got a huge crack down the middle of two or hairy orbs? Well, finally someone's saying, finally someone's come out and said, chores is a load of balls. Well done, Henry, for being the first person to come out and do that. He just needed a good editor.

He needed someone to say, Jeff, Jeff, this nice tale thing, mate, might have noticed a couple of logic issues here. Sorry, Gioff. OK, yeah, Gioff. This bit with the arse makes no sense. Look. No, no, it does because it's dark.

It's fine. It's really fine. No one will think about that. Don't worry about it. Gioff. Yeah. You're full of absolute crap, OK? To be honest, the fact that you're the first writer in English

is probably the only reason I'm not firing you right now. Yeah. You should give me some credit. I'm the expert. Yeah. You say you're the first editor in English language, but, you know, where are your credentials? Gioff, Gioff, Gioff, Gioff.

We love what you're doing, right? We work. There's a reason we published you. You're hot. You've got a huge following. You're hot right now. I'm tapping into the zeitgeist, right? It's very sexy, this stuff.

And we love all the other Canterbury tales you've written. Yeah. The other ones are great. The Parsons Tale. The Parsons Tale. It still keeps me up at night just wondering why they all, you know, does that clip... What exactly a parson is.

I know. What exactly a parson is. It's brilliant. But listen, Gioff, is there any way we can just leave out the arse-kissing? You've written all blue. People want a bit of blue. That's what they want. I'm sick and tired writing this family lit bedtime story stuff.

I want to put a bit of blue in, all right? I'm thinking of going on tour, thinking of doing some live shows. The fact is the public love your work, yeah? You know, whenever I take the horse to work every morning, I can see other people on their horses going to work. Listening to the audiobook. Also, I want to ask you, what the hell have you done with my illustrations? I've done loads of it.

Were they gone? Why aren't they in the printed copy? Were they gone? Well, they all involve a hairy anus at the centre of it. It's the only thing I can draw. I had to put the hairy arse into the story in the first place. It's the only thing I can draw with a hairy arse. Yeah, the hairy arse is wagging the dog, isn't it?

That's the problem. It's just... I mean, I do remember them being very, very boring. We had to do the night's tale in school. I mean, just imagine how to teach a piece of literature to loads of 13-year-olds where there's a bit where a guy kisses an arse. It was like a wonderful moment in my schooling. The scales fell from my eyes and I realised life was for me.

Life was worth living. Can I say, I had a similar moment at school when Dr. Custance, who was my biology teacher, was teaching us about plant reproduction. And he had to say the word gonads in front of the class. That was my moment of like... You know what, I could see myself knocking about... Of all boys, right?

Yeah, exactly. A class of boys. So he said... And it was a diagram. And he said... And as you see here, the gonads... And as soon as he said the gonads, the entire class, he all cracked up laughing.

It was just a funny thing that never happened. Absolutely. By miles. And what he did was, he insisted on repeating it from beginning. He went, excuse me, I'll start again. Now, as you can see here, the gonads, and we all cracked up every time. And he did it again and again and again.

Getting more and more furious. What are you trying to prove? Exactly, what are you trying to prove, Dr. Custance? And he was trying to prove that the word gonads isn't funny. But it loses its potency every time. He's wrong. Exactly. And if anything, especially as a teacher of science,

he basically just conducted an experiment that proved, you know, beyond doubt. His null hypothesis. The word gonads. This is not funny. It's actually incredibly funny. And to think he's conducted that experiment year on year. I mean, you were the first.

He knows that's coming every year. He's dreading that day. March the 3rd, every year. Gonad day. And he starts getting grumpy with his family in the two weeks before that. And his wife, we're talking to the children, just be easy on your father at the moment.

You know gonad day's coming up. There's the big G, the big sparkly G that we put on the calendar. But why doesn't you know gonads is funny? Shh, please. Harriet, stop it. Why does he just say it once and then carry on with the lesson? Why doesn't he just not teach those smirking bastards

that bit of the book? Fine, they'll lose a percent of their exams. Forget them. Stuff them. Exactly. Skip it out. Move on. Henry, are you telling me that, also,

that plants have got gonads? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. They've got dicks. They've got balls. They've got plants. They've got the... It's absolutely...

They've got a full human genitalia. They've got the full human genitalia. Uh-oh. Lewed content warning. Lewed content, content, content. Daffodils have got four skins, Ben. Daffodils have got four skins. A tulip is basically a circumcised daffodil.

They are absolutely disgusting, and they're doing it in plain sight. Three in 100 sunflowers have got cock rings. That's just a lot of sunflowers of cock rings. People weren't talking about it before. Yeah. Wow. That's where Prince Albert got the idea.

Oh, Mike, you've mentioned Prince Albert. You can play the new royal jingle I made. Oh! Bring it on. All stand for the king. We're entering the regal zone. Regal zone. Off with their heads.

On with the show. Listen not to the whores and the shopkeepers. Bring me more advisors. The regal zone. Regal zone. I think that maybe for Dr. Customs, he'd be having to, you know, he'd been obviously dreading gonad day every year for,

he'd been a teacher of that score for at least 20 years. And maybe the day, my gonad day, for him was his sort of falling down moment, where he was like, I can't take this anymore. I'm going to say gonad over and over again until these children realize that I am a man who deserves respect.

So he kept on repeating it, the lesson, the thing over and over again, right? Every time, slightly fewer children laughed. But then you get that Stuart Lee thing where the laughter dies off, then it comes back. Then it comes back again. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

It gets less and less funny, then it starts getting funnier again. As he becomes more agitated. As he becomes more agitated. And as it becomes more and more clear that the word gonads is simply, no matter which way you approach it, fucking hilarious. It's a funny word.

It's a funny sounding word. It's a funny sounding word. And in the lips of, you know, from the lips of Dr. Customs, a slightly sort of befuddled, you know, elderly biology teacher. Himself a man from a, from a, from a previous era, you know, from a different era, the kind of.

When gonads were respected. Well, when gonads was, was how you greeted people. Gonads. Gonads too, my good man. Gonad Day was a great pagan festival celebrated across the land. Exactly. When men and women would, would all,

and children would all dress up as, as gonads. And they would walk stony faced through the streets of the villages of Britain. Draking a giant gonad. Draking a giant gonad behind them. And literally no one even cracked a smile, did they? Yeah. Bring out your gonads.

And they'd be gonad bands. They'd be where all the instruments were different. Were like hollered out gonads, dried up gonads. Gonad pies, savory and sweet. Yep. Iced gonads for the children. And gonad mead. Lashings and lashings of gonad mead.

Sweet, sweet gonad mead. And you know, a sort of minstrel would tell. The gonad ear. The gonad ear. You'd gather. Would tell, would gather, everyone would gather around him and he would tell the, you know, the founding myth story of the United Kingdom, which is a giant gonad rose up

through the oceans. King Alfred's father, chief gonad. King Alfred's father, chief gonad rode that gonad out from Atlantis. Surfed across the waves. Like a gonad popping up in the bath. Like a gonad freshly, you know, enjoying its new fan buoyancy and just popping its head over the surface of the water

as if to say, hi, I'm a gonad. And there's nothing funny about me, all right? Yep. But yes, so he kept on repeating the gonad. This bit of the lesson repeated over and over again. And he basically said, he told us he wouldn't carry on with the lesson until he could deliver the line with the word gonads in it and none of us laughed.

And until that happened, we'd be stuck in what he didn't really think this through, because actually quite an attractive proposition for us would be stuck in a situation where Dr. Customs was repeatedly saying the word gonad. For the rest of your life. For the rest of our school days. Which basically it was about as good as it could get. So he kept on repeating the line over and over again,

more and more angry, but eventually the boys quietened down. We all quietened down. And basically eventually, eventually he managed to say the line about the gonads and no one laughed. There was this pause, this pregnant pause, ironically pregnant as if, as if inseminated by the very gonads of which he spoke. Beautifully done, memory.

No worries, mate. Chaucer-esque. And except I just then just, I just pissed myself then. I was the only one who laughed. There was a big pause and then I just couldn't contain myself and I had to piss myself. And he, um, he punished me, my mate, I had to do detention and I had to write a four page treat C on gonads.

No. Yeah. So I had to write a whole four page thing about what gonads are and how they work. And how they're not funny. And how they're not funny. You put all the minstrel stuff in, right? All the minstrel stuff went in.

All that stuff went in. All that stuff went in. All that stuff went in. Of course, the Jeffrey we haven't mentioned so far is Bezos. Oh my lordy. Oh my god. Oh, well done, Mike.

If we had let that go, we'd have, his penis shaped spaceship would have been flying over our homes and dropping its massive knacker bombs on our houses. Killing it. The, the Cock and Balls spaceship was amazing, wasn't it? Incredible. It was an absolute beaut.

It looked like someone was going on a very, very expensive Hendo and had up the ante from Limo to Cockshits. A billionaires, a billionaires Hendo. And it upgraded the location from Barcelona to To space. Space. See you at space.

Or it also looked like perhaps they'd been a bit of a mix up potentially with the designs or something for the spaceship. And maybe the lead scientist had lost the designs and had just picked up a piece of paper, which his 13 year old son had been doodling on. It did have that sort of. That's all it looks about.

I'll do. It's aerodynamic. I mean, the penis is aerodynamic, isn't it? That's why, um, That's why you run faster when you've got no trousers. Yeah. That's why the older hunter gatherers, they evolved to pierce through the air as they fled from a

sabertooth tiger. Exactly. You do get a bonus, don't you? When you're one can get a boner when threatened. Oh, I do. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely.

Yeah. The smallest threat, even if it's, uh, you know, giving someone the wrong change or something like that. When you're working in your little shop, in the Brick of Brack, down the Brick of Brack. I didn't know about that. The people you get aroused when you're, when you're threatened.

There is like a, I think it's like an adrenaline thing, but is it a genetic thing where your body's going, right? Worst case scenario, we're about to die. We need to reproduce now. We're like, now. Flight, fight or fuck. No, not fuck.

The fuck shouldn't be on the list. It's, it's like, yeah. If this bear is definitely going to kill me, 100%, I might as well try and fuck now. I'm going to impregnate it first. I'm going to have sex with the bear. Yeah. Impregnate it.

And that's how Bungle was created. Exactly. And that's why it's called the phrase, you know, a bungled robbery is if during a robbery, you start having sex with a bear. Macargo which offers appears drunk in a bear costume. Yeah. Then the robbery's definitely gone wrong.

More Jeffs. Jeff Capes. Ah. Yes. The wrestler. Jeff Capes. Jeffrey of Monmouth. Ah.

A chronicler of Old Wales. Of course. Yeah. Good man. Jeffrey the giraffe from the Toys R Us Adverts. Oh. That's not ringing any bells. I do.

I remember his face on the sort of logo on the ads. They see the sucky giraffe that tiny children like to suck. Is it that one? Is it that one? I don't think so. There's some giraffe. Someone has made a sort of little rubbery giraffe that for some reason there's something to do with the text

drawing in the shape of it is there is no baby in the world that doesn't want to suck its face off. Is that based on some like old evolutionary thing where in thousands of years ago, young homo erectus used to suck on a baby giraffe's face to get to sleep. I suspect so. I suspect someone, something primal has been tapped into

but I didn't know if the engineers knew they were doing that at the time or if they were just channeling something deep within themselves. It's a bit like the people that made the magic roundabout. You know, somehow something came out that just worked. But I think that's why then their necks evolved to get longer and longer because they didn't like getting their faces sucked by homo erectus.

Babies. No, I see. Giraffes. Yeah. So to stop there getting their face sucked by Australopithecus wherever it was. They developed longer, longer, longer necks. And then of course, homo erectus got more and more erectus,

got more and more straight. But then of course the giraffes had won the neck race, essentially, of homo erectus. And that's why homo erectus first invented tools because obviously the first known tool. Was the ladder. Was the step ladder. And then the, well, the step ladder.

And then when that wasn't, when that was too high again, the, they invented the pulley system, pulley system. And then of course the fire engine with retractable ladder. And then from then, then, then, then obviously, because the firemen would get hungry, then soup bowls, pots, yeah. And then firemen would insist that someone can, at least he'd meant fire.

Yeah. Otherwise they would defunt, I mean, they were basically spending a lot, all they were doing was sticking around the station playing cards. There was literally nothing else. Yeah. We're a bit of a show pony.

Otherwise it would have been used to be some, the potential of a fire, at least. And obviously they could get up to the giraffe's head using ladder and they would slide down the giraffe's neck when they were called upon. And that of course led to the firemen's pole. And then they're also like, you also need to start domesticating animals

because at the moment all these cats that are about, they can get themselves out of trees. So we need to make sure that we modify those cats so they can't get out of trees. Yes. Please. Well, originally it was cats stuck on a giraffe's head, wasn't it?

Yeah. He's exactly right. Yeah. And then once you've got firemen and fires, you then need sandwich shops. Yeah. Yeah. Run by beefy Italian Americans.

You need, also you need Hindus so that people can dress up as sexy firemen and undress themselves. So then of course the concept of marriage evolves. And the family unit, urban conurbations. And then you need reverends. You need wedding DJs. You need wedding DJs. Religion.

Obviously once you need wedding, once you've got, once you have wedding DJs, you need music for them to play. So therefore then people start. Someone's got to invent vinyl. People start whacking stones together and then eventually, yeah, inventing vinyl. And once, once you've got vinyl people.

Well, then you've got needles. And then people get the idea for, you know, swords and spears and so on. Yeah. War breaks out. Yeah. Exactly. Cut to 2021.

Here we are. There's just a baby sucking on a plastic giraffe with no idea why. No idea. No idea of the context. Yeah. But a giraffe somewhere on the savannah, breathing a sigh of relief.

Yes. Also thinking classic dress of my life, I actually don't need this neck anymore. I've just got to make the most of it, I suppose. Just muddle along with this fucking ridiculous neck. That's completely pointless. Okay, time for your emails. Thank you, Geoff, when you send us an email.

The email address as ever is three bean salad pod at gmail.com. This first one is from someone called Paris. Hello Beans. Oh, the subject title is called The Preciousness of Life. Ooh. Which I very much already am on board with that because I agree.

Well, they might say that it's not. But there isn't any. Hold on to your hollyhocks. Hello Beans. Whilst I was listening to your flag-themed episode, a fighter jet flew over my house. And it was so loud that for around 15 seconds, I was sure it was going to careen through my roof

and kill me. The thought that my last moments were spent listening to Henry Packer describe the trials and tribulations of trying to remove a stubborn stain from his rug. Was incredibly sobering. I softly said, no, not in a panicked way,

just with the sense of defeated acceptance. Thankfully, the jet continued on, and I now appreciate life just a little bit more. Wow. So the implication is that Paris thought that wasn't a noble way to go. It wasn't a good way to go down. To meet the next step, whatever that might be.

I mean, it's an extraordinary way to go down, I think. Or maybe it was more a sense that she didn't want to die not knowing the end of that story. Which I don't need to remind everyone, is that I didn't manage to remove the stain. Well, Paris says, also, I have yet to encounter a carpet stain that Mouthwash hasn't been able to get out.

Wow. There we go. There's a life hack or carpet ruiner, depending on which way that goes. But what they might be doing is using one of those tricky double negative things to trick us, you know? So they're going, I haven't met anyone that hasn't.

No, no, hang on. They said, I haven't. I've also yet to encounter a carpet stain that Mouthwash hasn't been able to go. So what does that mean? I haven't come across a carpet that Mouthwash hasn't been able to, no one's going to unpick that. We haven't got time.

That could mean anything. Do you know what I mean? Just honestly, be wary. Beware people that come bearing double negatives like that, because often they're trying to trap you. It could be that what Paris is actually saying there is that Mouthwash has never worked on a stain. They're saying the precise opposite of that.

Well, they're saying they've never had a carpet that it didn't work on. What the hell does that mean? Did it or didn't it? I don't know. They've never come across it. You can't unpick that. It's a clever trick.

Hats off to Paris, but not today. No, I'm not going down that route. You're not fooling me. Well, Paris, I think I speak for all three of us. I say, I'm glad that you weren't killed by a fights jet hitting your house. I can get behind that. I get behind that as well.

With caveats. With a couple of key caveats. OK, the next email is from Scott. Scott writes, Dear Beans, I wanted to thank you for providing me with the most horrifying night of my life. The live show? That's harsh.

OK, there were some teething troubles, OK? Yes, there was a few points where we didn't quite know what we were doing. Yes, Mike was wearing flip flops. Yes, Mike was wearing flip flops. Yes, didn't know quite how to end the show. Sure. Yes, I occasionally became mesmerised

by the comments that were coming in on the screen thing. But it is a screen. It is a screen. The culture. They're inherently mesmerising. Trained me to be mesmerised by it. And yes, Ben was clearly

sexually aroused throughout the hour. But it was an adrenaline thing. He was scared. He was just right. He was scared of a spurbsy attack. And he knew that the one thing between him and being taken down by spurbsy is the sooner and the possibility that he could...

The only thing that could... That he could impregnate and reproduce with spurbsy before dying. Or at least it would slow him down. It's an obstacle in spurbsy's path. Yeah. Scott continues, Recently I became very ill

as a result of an infection. And unfortunately suffered from the effects of the dreaded fever dream, which on this occasion, starred you three clowns. Is that... Mike, as a former doctor, is that a thing you can get an infection

from these podcasters? You listen to it? Fever dreams, absolutely. In extreme fever dreams, you summon podcasters into your dreamscape. Okay. That's been the case

even before podcasting existed. Yeah. So people would... That's how Mark Maron came up with the idea of his podcast. Well, of course, one of the symptoms of the Black Death was picturing J. Rogan, wasn't it?

That's why there are so many illustrations of J. Rogan in medieval churches up and down the country. And J. Rogan was telling you that the Black Death isn't real, actually. Yeah. And you just need to eat more food. And that's why plague doctors

wore those very long, pointy... The beak face. The beak face. It was to... Well, to accentuate the... J. Rogan's beak. J. Rogan's beak. He continues,

For 16 hours in a state of delirium, as I became unaware if I was truly awake or asleep, the barrier between reality and the dream world disappeared entirely, as I sweated feverishly, freezing one minute, agonizingly hot the next. I had the pleasure of you three

sat next to my bed all night in director's chairs, randomly shouting catchphrases from the show at me. For example, and now it's time for the pompadou section. Pompadou, pompadou, in a loop for at least an hour, and then suddenly broken by a cry of digestive tract torque. Your bedside man had left much to be desired.

I was praying by hour eight of my ordeal for someone to introduce a Rio into the room to mercifully and swiftly bring to an end my suffering. So thanks again for that. Scott from Torbay. So it sounds like our side hustle of comforting victims of feverish illnesses is not going very well so far.

It's a poor review. Yes, of course. What he doesn't realize is that... Because we've been trying to move into the... The fever state care sector. Yeah. Which we believe could be very, very lucrative going forward. And what we've been doing, a couple of pilot schemes.

And maybe we should just tell him now outright that actually that wasn't a dream. We were in his bedroom. We were there seven pounds an hour. Seven pounds an hour. We'll be sending you the invoice. And also, they'll need to pay for our accommodation that night

in the Marriots, which we didn't use because obviously we were in his bedroom, but we needed it to store bags. Well, we didn't end up using it to store bags. Because we just left the bags in his car. We used it to store the euthanasia rea, which obviously we didn't deploy in this situation. Yeah.

Because you've got to book that in advance. You can't do that in the middle of a fever state. Otherwise there's sort of consent issues. Yeah. So the rea was on standby in case we had to terminate the client, is the phrase we use, isn't it? Mm-hmm.

But also, you do have to pay that surcharge then to the Marriots directly to ameliorate the damage done for the room by the rea, which was extensive. Which was huge. And it turned out the rea... Not a nice story. The rea was...

Turns out it was a bit of a piss-taker. Ended up inviting a few other reas round. And they just saw the whole thing as a jolly. They weren't taking it seriously at all. Well, it's Tall Bay, isn't it? It's kind of... Yeah. You know, it's the English Riviera.

It's part of Central. Yeah. So they pecked the... Well, they pecked the room very, very badly, didn't they? There's... I mean, the... One of the people that was sent in afterwards to clean up said

it was almost more peck than not. Wasn't it? The room. It was so pecked. It was almost more a case of pointing out which bits of the room hadn't been pecked than which had. Quite vivid.

Yes, I remember that. And you basically have to... You get someone then in the room next door to basically panel beats back out the pecks. So bits flat again. Well, yeah. Do you do that or you just get a friendly read to come and peck the last final bits?

Well, so then it's 100% pecked. So at least it's evenly pecked all the way around. And then you just rebrand it as a peck switch. You just got a slightly bigger room in every direction. Yeah. So, yeah. Some teething troubles with that venture. Yeah.

But we'll get there in time. And if you want to book us, what's the website again? It's Riding the Fever Bean. Riding the Fever Bean. That's it. Dot com dot u dot com dot uk. That's right. That's right.

And do remember to book the rear in advance, as Mike says, because people, they're screaming for it often, aren't they? Bring in the rear, bring in the rear. Sorry, we can't... Back at the Marriott, sorry. And obviously, if the euthanasia... If the euthanasia rear is deployed,

we can guarantee that it's 100% painless for the rear. The rear will not suffer at all. But it will essentially... It's basically the nearest thing to being... A human being put through a shredder, isn't it? That's how we describe it on the website. We're quite a blunt... A very strong...

A strong shredder. Possibly an old shredder. We'll put it this way. Often, when we finish the job, I don't know why I'm going, I go, oh, is everyone a fancy pulled pork? That's right. Yeah.

It's as if your flesh is being gently parted by the two forks dragging the pork meat across. But it's not ready yet. But it's not... It's not ready yet. If imagine the pork's completely raw, but you're having to use two forks

to try and separate the flesh. Which you will be. Because you won't have been boiled. Yeah, exactly. You'll be completely raw. Unless you tick that bit on the website, it can be boiled, of course, which is going to have to be done in advance.

Yeah. In which case, you will have to pay for the human-shaped skillet, which will need to be obviously adapted to your own proportions. I mean, we can use a standard shark poacher. Save you a few beans, won't it? It'll save you a few quid.

And if we're in a decent hotel doing it, sometimes we can use the trouser press. But very much depends on the quality of the trouser press. In the Maori, it's absolutely every time. Yeah. So, yeah, get it on the website. Yeah, check it out. Also, as just the last thing on this,

of course, if you book the package, you do get a free bag of Schneider's jalapeno. That's right. Press on pieces, just... Yeah. Which is also a technically fewer now, a lifetime supply of Schneider's. Yeah.

Depending on how you want to look at it. Now, our next email pertains to our friend Schneider's, the snack, the official snack of the three bean salad podcast. Yeah. David writes, Hi beans, a friend who runs a bar has received the below message,

which they've attached, from Schneider's of Hanover, confirming an immediate halt to all exports globally. No. For six to 12 months. Thank God I've been panic buying and storing them up for years.

Apparently, due to new European food standards on refined oil quality, they can't be brought into the country. Do they make them in a refinery? Wow. I've got a bag of them in my kitchen. The value on those is going to rise and rise, right? Obviously, one thing is we speak.

Yeah. Yeah, I got on a fist fight over a packet of Schneider's over the weekend. Sure. It's horrible to watch, isn't it, people? Last 12 in the shop. What else are you going to do? Also, the ramification here for

American listeners to the podcast who are eating Schneider's are now doing so in the knowledge that they're deemed unfit for human consumption in another part of the world. What a time to be alive. All right. Final email.

This is from Jaz. So, Jaz emailed us last week, or we read out Jaz's email last week, because they had been to Antarctica. Oh, yes. Oh, good. They've got back in touch. They have.

And they write, last episode, you asked why I was in Antarctica. Was I an expert on animals or something? I'm going to out myself now. I am the scientist who works on the deep past. What? And wrote to you in series one to say that I didn't think that octopuses came from space.

I remember that, yes. They wanted to be anonymous back then, because they were worried of getting in trouble. Oh, yes. Snacking off the people saying that octopuses might be from space, but they've revealed themselves. It's Jaz.

Yes, I remember that person with a wacky theory that octopuses weren't from space. Slightly sort of harebrained. So, the reason that they were in Antarctica was they were collecting microorganisms from glacier surfaces and studying them to try and understand their ecology and survival mechanisms

with an aim to find out how life survived 650 million years ago when the entire planet was frozen over. As for generally what we get up to in the polar regions, there's a fair amount of finding the best beautiful, clear, glacier ice to put in your GMT. Wow, that's cool. Running away from angry fur seals.

Well, I'm not surprised they're angry if you're calling them fur seals. Yeah. Well, pissed up on GMT. Exactly. You can call them a fur seal. They are a fur seal. Yeah, but they don't want to be thinking of themselves

as fur seals. They're much more than a handbag, these guys. Much more than a suitcase. Oh, I see. It'd be like calling a pig a pork pig. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. A bacon hofer.

It's just bloody rude at the end of the day. To step into the flightless bird zone for a second, cue the jingle. Welcome to the flightless bird zone. No, please, not my face! I did also help the bird zoologist weigh teenage penguins before their first trip out to sea. Penguins absolutely belong in the flightless bird zone

as we came out of this experience with several bruises after being repeatedly bitten and slapped by angry teen penguins. Slapped. That's excellent. My field partner Becky got a nasty bite on the head after I held a penguin too close when she was kneeling down. It's a mistake you only make once.

You know what? I think penguins are a bit like teenagers in that one by itself is sort of quite sweet and amusing, but you wouldn't want to walk through a gang of them. They just need more to do. That's all it is. They just need to be setting up a little penguin youth centre with a bit of snooker,

darts board, and sure, a library. Why not? They're full to do in Antarctica for a teenage penguin. And, you know, they're dressed for the occasion, so what about a full 19th century sort of... You know what I mean? A ball.

A ball? Yeah. Ball music, ball snacks. Waltz's. You use a bit of your budget to get a chamber orchestra on the go. Get a chamber orchestra. Canapes being circulated. A couple of chandeliers.

A walrus matridee. And you're away. Yeah. Yeah, you could get a... What are the other animals you get down there? Orcas. I think maybe walruses are only north pole. I've got that wrong.

I don't know. Oh, yes, because there was a story in the news about an arctic walrus just the other day. They lived in Wales for a bit. Came to live in Wales. Made it to Cornwall as well. Yeah. Got lost.

I think in the south pole, you don't get polar bears, because they're in the north. Is it just penguins, as far as I can see? Yeah, I tell you what, pole experts, they do like a bit of the old... Oh, no, but you don't get penguins at that one. No, but you don't get polar bears at the other one. You don't get people fishing through holes at that one.

Are you saying that jazz is likely to be a pedantic bore? I just feel like it's part of my thing now that I'm slightly rude to... Quite antagonistic about it. Quite antagonistic to the emailers. I like the sound of jazz, and jazz is adventures. Well, thanks for your email, Jazz. Thanks, Jazz.

Thank you, Jazz. All right, finally, Mel, this one comes with a theme tune. We've got another theme tune. Oh, wow. So Will writes, Hello Beans. Given your skyrocketing fame and popularity. Not sure about that. Will.

I predict you'll likely be making the move over to the big screen any week now. Oh, yeah. Yeah, true. Here's a pitch for your show. Okay. Law and order, flightless bird division. Mike plays the grizzled by the book captain of the team.

Ben, the enthusiastic rookie who recently broke a budgie smuggling ring. And sexy honey trap time. Henry, the jaded loose cannon of the team. What? Who lost his family to a rear mob attack. Don't take me back there, goddammit. I've attached the potential theme tune here.

Good luck in Hollywood. So to play us out here is Will's law and order sort of themed version of our theme. Thank you, Will. Thanks to everyone for listening. See you next week. Thanks, Will. Cheers, all.

Bye. But once you're going to do things by the book, goddammit bagger, meet your new partner, Padridge. Goddammit, I told you I will not work with flightless birds. Can't you dig up a rookie sparrow somewhere? There's ostrich shit all over my goddamn desk.