Three Bean Salad - Mail

Episode Date: October 19, 2022

In what would probably the worst episode ever for a brand new listener to sample the show fresh, Phillip Kerrigan of Kerrigan’s Mustard gets his Bean Machine double dip and has the beans discuss mail. What follows is a feast for veteran ears but more of a sick bag for novices as the beans get into rat poison, Bonjamin and, of course, ham.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladGet in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

Henry, I realised this morning, that I think of you every morning, your first waking thought, almost yes. Is that because of your Henry Packer eye mask? And the full duvet set as well. Yeah, I've still got a lot of those to shift, just email in or you can tweet me. Yeah, I'm sorry I haven't ordered any, I just keep meaning to get one to it and just, you know. We do want them obviously, but I just, you know, what it's like, it's on the job. No, I know, of course, I would never pressure it.

Because they look great in the photos, he keeps sending me. Well, they do, and they are, as I said, they're breathable, you know, that mixture of cotton. And rubber. Welted rubber, it's amazing. I'm a bit worried about the wood chip filling, and I see how you got that cheaply, but I just... Well, Mike, none of us like it when a duvet blows off in the wind in the night, you wake up, start naked and freezing cold, and that's why you use rubberised cotton, you weld it round, and you pack, and once you're sealed in by a partner or one of our consultants,

once you're sealed in, the wood chips, they just help weigh it down, Mike. Honestly, it's not a problem. They're just extra security, knowing you cannot move even if you want to, you can't. The duvet can't move, you can't move. You are as safe and secure as Hannibal Lecter was in that, special that outfit, they're wielding round. Yeah, and I saw that on your infomercial. We've dropped that, we've dropped that from the infomercials, okay?

We've dropped that, we realised it was skewing wrong for the sleep market. But you're still having to pay Anthony Hopkins, aren't you? Because you've got him on retainer. I couldn't believe you got him. But everyone needs a pension, don't they, to be paying the man? It was an incredibly expensive coup, getting Hopkins in, it really was. He's been paid in duvets, right? That's right.

He also tweeted that he found an adder in one of his duvets, and that's the woodchipping, sorry. Yeah, that's right. Well, and the fact that one of the only ways out of our contract with Hopkins is if he was to die through a nighttime adder attack, because that can't be insured for a very complicated reason, that's a complete coincidence. The fact is adders are much more widely spread than we think of in this country. In fact, it's estimated that people swallow a good 12 or 15 adders

without even knowing it over the course of a bank holiday weekend. And they take seven years to digest, don't they? They take an awful long time to digest. Especially if you've got up to a tonne of woodchippings in your bedroom, and that will really... It slows him down, Ben. It slows him down, but it doesn't stop him. They'll get through that eventually.

So anyway, every morning I think of you, because once, maybe like five years ago, you told me that you start the morning every day. Am I right? I think by drinking 10 pints of water? No, the natural tendency towards anecdotal augmentation is just to say there's a certain amount of inflation which takes place every time, because I told you about five years ago, so you get doubled. And this is normal for any anecdote. It's exponential, isn't it?

It's exponential. If we retell it another 10 years time, it'll be four million litres of water. Exactly. So no, but the truth is, I do drink two pints of water. Insane. First thing every morning, and it's absolutely brilliant. I do remember you telling me that, but you also insisted when you told me about this that it had to be a room temperature.

I find it easier at room temperature. I was that for ease. I got the impression at the time that it was your belief that that was better. No, no, I don't... Mike, believe me. I don't have a series of odd medical beliefs. You're black out of thin air. This is cold hard science, Mike.

Now, it's room temperature science. It's lukewarm science. It's lukewarm wet science is what it is. And by the way, I always choose tems water. It's an absolute bargain. Straight from the bilge pump of one of the tems coffin barges. Straight from London's bilge pipes. And this is one of the most densely populated areas.

So that water has been through. Well, it's the most densely populated water as well, isn't it, I think? Probably. Incredibly densely populated water. Yep, all protozoa and amoebas are welcome from Rats of All Sizes. Rats of All Sizes. You don't get judged here. You just get funneled through some sort of complex filtration system.

It was built in 1845. And it's like, bring us your turds. Bring us your rats. You're all welcome. Come through. And a lot of this water I've been drinking. And this is the level of peace of mind you get with tems water. I'm not the first guy drinking this water.

This water has been through over 10,000 digestive tracts minimum. Digestive tract talk. Oh, yeah. Isn't that some fact? This is a bullshit fact that can't be true. That every time you drink some water, it's been through Henry VIII's arsehole. And again, there's been an element of anecdotal... That's terrific.

Is that our... Is that the British Empire's attempt to claim back on that Genghis Khan sort of gene fact? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, fine. All right, yeah, fine. Yeah, we've all got his genes. Yeah, fine, fine. But Henry VIII, yeah?

You're drinking his arse water. Right now. Right now. Even if you're not drinking. The tears you weep. Came straight out of Henry VIII's arse and straight down your face. The tears wept by the Queen at the Princess of Wales's funeral. Forget off with her head.

It's on to your face. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. That's quite good, isn't it? Yeah, it's worked quite well. Off with their heads!

On with the show. Listen not to the whores and the shopkeepers. Bring me more advisers. The regals own. Anyway, I've... Basically, Henry, I've started drinking one pint of water every morning when I wake up. OK. And it really queues up that half past nine massive megapist, doesn't it?

Yeah, yeah. So look, with the Henry Packers system. Ben, you are... I'm not going to lie, you are embracing a new lifestyle. And a new you to a degree. So what I recommend is actually, you might be struggling with the 930 torrential piss. But what... And a lot of people say this to me early doors.

What I would say is lead into it. You need to get that second pint into, Ben. Right. Because what you want to create is so much piss. You actually create a piss backlog whereby... If you imagine filling up... If you imagine filling up a Hoover bag. If you imagine filling up a Hoover bag with piss.

Where a Dyson household. So that would just create like a tornado of piss inside a sort of clear plastic box. Yeah, OK. Great. So yeah, fine. Imagine pissing directly into your Dyson. Are you choosing... The front nozzle, are you using the maintenance area?

Which way are you going? It'll just help me with the analogy. I'm pissing into the extension... The special extension we've got for hoovering hard floors without scratching them. OK. So you'll get an anti-clockwise piss typhoon. Yeah. And can I just say, if you ever are lucky enough to be witnessing that

that anti-clockwise piss typhoon during the Northern Lights... It's one of the most... It's one of the wonders of the world. The levels of refraction that happen. That's extraordinary. Aurora Pessihullis. And they say you actually see what looks like a hologram of... Of all of your ancestors for 17 generations.

And ABBA. Yeah. And a free ABBA gig. Essentially a free silent ABBA gig. Well, it was the inspiration for ABBA Voyage, wasn't it? The hologram live show. It's not really a hologram at all. It's just liters and liters and liters of piss being spun around.

Oh, yeah. Because Bjorn had been to one of Henry's health seminars, hadn't he? That's right. Well, Henry sent all the members of ABBA free rubberized duvets, which they got. That's right. And that started them all on a journey. Look, I'm not going to lie.

What I've always wanted to achieve is business symbiosis, right? We all know that. Business symbiosis. I'm not going to lie. There is a dehydrating effect in a rubberized woodchipped environment for eight hours overnight. Because they're desiccated woodchips, aren't they? It's a bit like leaving a phone in a bowl of rice, you know?

It sucks or it will suck you dry. It will suck you dry. And people have reported, actually, going to bed with a broken iPhone and they wake up and the iPhone is absolutely fine. And the kidneys have stopped working. Oh, well, it's bye-bye kidneys. Hello, you know, iOS 15.

You make your choice, don't you? So why am I pissing into a Dyson? Oh, yes. Well, it's because there comes a point where there's so much liquid in a bag, it can't get out of the little hole in it. And that's what you're looking to achieve with your... It's pressure.

Right. You're not pressuring your... It's very hard to stick with me at this point. Hang on. You're suggesting that... Hang on. So the hole is the same size. But the bag is so full that now... Because the water is too big to go out of the hole.

Well, there's too much water per square... If you want me to go into the science of it, there's too much water per square surface area of... What's that? A bladder bag. So it's hard maths behind this. It's hard maths. You know the little boy who stuck his finger in a dam and there was lots of water behind the dam?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Careful. I'm... Careful. I've got to say... You're about to conjure a spigot image that none of us want to see in our minds.

No, to be honest, I launched into that analogy more in hope than expectation. I was hoping... I was hoping that the analogy would speak to me en route. I think that we should leave that one aside and let the listeners continue with it in their own time if they wish. Yeah.

Look, the truth is... I'm joking aside. I do drink two pints of water every morning. Mm-hmm. I drink one pint of water every morning. You drink one pint. Now, I have a problem with claggy pipes. Mm-hmm.

So... And we have discussed this before. I've got a lot of phlegm moving around my nasal passages and systems. Yeah. So that's 98% of the editing job this podcast is. Yeah, that's right. There's a lot of...

De-clagification, which still has tragically has to be done by hand. There's a lot... Yeah. But that would be even worse. We'd be talking full clagged by now. We'd be talking... Yeah, which just wouldn't be workable

without this hydration system, which really helps get two pints. Because also, hydration is on a lag, isn't it? So you drink now and it means you're hydrated in two hours or something, isn't it? So actually, the question isn't whether you're thirsty now. It's whether... Then you're going to be thirsty.

It's whether you expect to be thirsty and you're going to be thirsty. It's whether you expect to be thirsty in two hours or not. I mean, if you're thirsty now, it's too late. Because there's nothing you... There's literally nothing you can do about that. My philosophy, before I started the Henry Packer method, I'm only doing it at half strength.

My philosophy on drinking, taking on fluid, was that if you're pissing, that's a sign that you've drunk too much. What? So, yes, you want the full absorption system, isn't it? You see that as the perfect... You want to work your kidneys hard. You want them concentrating that urine hard, yeah?

Otherwise, why are you carrying them around with you all day? Exactly. They're just going to do nothing. So, Ben, am I also right in saying that the way you try and cook pasta is rather than having lots of water on the pasta, boil it, and then pour the water through a sieve and drain off the pasta. You like to try and cook the pasta with the exact amount of water, which means that the water just absorbs into the pasta.

Yeah, like one by one. That's why you've got 400 tiny saucepans in your house, isn't it? That's right. So, basically, if you're healthy, you shouldn't piss at all. If you do piss, it should be a deep, autumnal, russet colour. Yeah. And reminiscent of a walk in High Park in November.

It ought to... The entire bathroom should look sepia afterwards, because of the amount of dark vapour, isn't it? Yeah. You should be teasing it out rather than pissing it out, is that right? It should be like a pace. It shouldn't be any, because it's just telling you that you've taken on too much fluid, because it's coming out again. So, Ben, you see pissing as a kind of emergency valve, which is...

If that's happening, something's gone wrong, sort of thing. Exactly, yeah, exactly. And you're glad it's there, because emergency... You admit that things do go wrong in life. Yeah. So, you're not completely anti-pissing, are you? If you defecate, you've eaten too much. Yeah.

So, again, that's an emergency release mechanism. There's nothing else to it. Absolutely. And people have got used to using these emergency... It'd be like someone getting on a boat, and jumping in the lifeboat every day. So, early hunter-gatherers, by your reckoning, probably crapped once every four years or so. Yeah, yeah. For you, it should be seen as a disaster,

but like the Titanic, it would sort of make the news, it would be a kind of national tragedy or something. I'm not going that far. I don't know, I don't think that's true. I just think it's a sign of Western excess. I mean, maybe there is some science behind that. The science behind the banter, that could be a section. It's going to be quite a lot of heavy-duty correspondence in response to that section,

I suspect. They really will. We've got some scientists. We've got Walter as a scientist, and he's Walter from Austria. We've got loads of scientists. Yeah. We've got Dras the Polo scientist. You know, the digestive system takes what is useful out of the food

and passes on what is useless, right, to be... But bear in mind, I'm making ham sandwiches and travel sweets. So, there's nothing superfluous for them. That's true. So, you're not actually getting any roughage in your diet. So, the stuff that would be quite useful in your turd and whatever anyway, it's just not there in your diet at all. Besides which, you're all sewn into the bean machine in the first place.

So, what your digestive needs are completely different to anyone else's anyway, aren't they? Oh yeah, I should say that from the off. Yeah, I don't want anyone to necessarily follow my... Definitely go on the packer route. The packer method is proven to work. And if you do, then I think at the moment you get a free bluebell robe and slipper set, don't you, to go as you do. That's right.

And again, it's a fully rubberized robe. Really relaxing that rubberized. Nothing like kicking back in a nice rubber outfit. And they say that the most relaxing way to use it is actually because you can seal it. You can obviously, you can sealing mount it with the hard rubberized suction pucks, which the chains hang from. You sealing mount that. And what happens?

It hangs a bit like if you imagine a hammock, but with only one sort of string. Like a string bag almost. It hangs from the ceiling and you hang in this black rubberized sack, which completely pouches you in. You're hermetically sealed. People say it looks like either a huge, well, a ghastly mutated sleeping bat. Yeah. Or a futuristic swag bag.

Futuristic swag bag. Or a very real wasp's nest. And I've actually had people have pest control come round and try and kill them. And thinking that they're a wasp's nest. But there have been some wasp nests in some of the robes, haven't there? We should say there have been some. Well, if wasps get into that, you will not shift them because they're looking for hermetically sealed safe environments, dank environments.

In that case, one of the things you have to do is then you drop through the chain that's keeping you to the ceiling. You drop down onto the rubberized duvet. The adders will come out of the duvet. And then you've got a classic wasp adder battle. And one will win. It's not clear who will. Well, sit back and enjoy the show because a lot of the time it's really very,

very advanced military tactics they use in those battles. And do send in your videos. Send in your vids. Okay. I'll just record myself saying. Should have had that second pint. My body then is it's a constant flow. It is in the mouth, in and out.

I'm going to the little all day long. You're the Niagara man on these days. I am the Niagara man. And people have asked to propose near me or with a view of me at work. At the foot of your shins. At the foot of my shins. It's becoming a thing, becoming a thing. Bit far to go to Niagara Falls, bit touristy, bit obvious.

Henry Pack will come to us for just £7.50. The shins of one of the most incredible natural wonders. The Niagara man. It's getting a bit, I think I've heard your shins are getting a bit touristy these days. Yes. There's a lot of hawkers. They'll be selling you fridge magnets based on my shins. And there's Starbucks around one of the apples.

But look, there's nothing I can do to stop that. And you know, it is, it's doing something for the economy. So yes, it becomes less romantic. It's now more, it becomes more coach trips. A lot of them, there's something, a lot of those counterfeit rubberized duvets, which actually aren't truly rubberized. We need to point out. That's right.

A lot of them are, they claim to be non-breathable. They're breathable. Several layers of quite well used cling film, aren't they? All kinds of frustrations and faults. It's not nice stuff. And try, you know, try housing a family of adders in one of those. You could, you probably won't see a single adder in your bed. An entire lifetime of that duvet.

By the way, I think maybe American listeners, listeners in Australia and so forth, might not know what an adder is. An adder is the most poisonous snake in the UK. So yeah, you know, if you are from Australia, think about your most poisonous snake and then times it by 10. Then divide it. And then divide it by 150. On the poison scale, it measures zero.

It's about as poisonous as a tortoise. So hang on. It will totally immobilize a very, very small dog for 10 minutes. And we mean a tiny dog. So that's smaller than your Chihuahua. We're talking micro dogs. Chihuahua bred with a vole, for example. One of those.

Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Not handbag dogs. So much as a sort of wallet dog, really. Anyway, I think it's time to turn on the B machine and see what this week's topic is. Yes. Oh yeah.

As sent in by a listener. Notice how smoothly I included the format. I reminded the listener of the format just on the way into it. Oh yeah. Yes. That's good. A bit like your tips you've been listening to the other day about how to do a podcast, probably.

Yeah. I've been reading lots about this. I'm worried about the, this is a pompadou section. And now it's time for pompadou section. Pompadou. Pompadou. Pompadou. I'm worried about the new listener.

Oh yes. That's a good pompadou. I think they're walking into a complete mire of, of injects and. Yes. What if they arrive near season somewhere. Yes. Yeah. It's like they're walking into a, into a really shit pub.

Isn't it? They're kind of. Well they're not like to speak. Yeah. But they have to listen to the three barons in the corner. Yeah. Sometimes, you know, people ask me about the podcast and stuff, and I always tell them to start at the beginning.

Which shouldn't be necessary, should it? Yes. The podcast of this kind. Is there a way to bring them up to speed on? We need to get Iris back on the case. Yes. Do some serious testing. Get Iris to try on C2.

Yeah. See what happens with C2. That's a soft test, because C2 is okay, I think. Then try on C3, see what happens. Yes. But I mean, even that is a reference to a previous. You can't help it, Mike. Yes, you've just, you've just brought up Iris.

No one knows what the hell you're talking about. So, oh God, the thing is, we've developed organically, haven't we, like a, like a hedge or something. We mold upon a strawberry jam. Yes. But, you know, opening up that jam, you'd be like, no way. Yeah. Whereas our listeners have been eating that jam for so long,

and it's got moldy so gradually, so they didn't realize that they're eating mold. Spreading hot mold on them, on their bread every once a week. Anyway, so, you know, so what I was trying to do, what I was trying to do is with a bit of deft, sort of broadcasting pattern, just slowly introduce the idea of what this podcast is. It was deft.

Yeah. Nicely done. Thanks, Mike Wozniak of Channel 4's Taskmaster. And thanks, Henry Packer, esteemed illustrator and comedian. Thanks, mate. Oh, I think you're supposed to say something about Ben there. Oh, yes. And don't mention it, Ben.

Or should I say Benjamin. The thing is, Ben, podcasting, right? Because, again, this is the thing of being here at the dawn, the fresh dawn of a brand new, brand new, fresh out-of-the-box medium, isn't it? We're making it up as we ruddy go along. It's punk, isn't it? It's the late 70s.

To prove how unfresh podcasting is, Adnan from Cereal has only yesterday, I think, been completely acquitted of all the crime that launched the podcasting boom in proceedings that famously have taken years and years. Anyway, so time to turn on the boom machine. Boom machine. This week's topic, as sent in by...

Oh my god, it's another one from... Hillary. No. Walter. No. Jasper. The fact you could, again, think of the new listener. Oh, god.

There is no new listener in podcasting. You've got who you've got, and that's it. We're all locked in. It's a family. We're locked in together. We like it or not. We're locked in together. Christmases just get worse and worse every year, but that's your lot. Starting to repeat our old stories. Again, exactly. Yep. This one probably is the worst possible one for a new listener, given how he reacts to this.

No, no, it's not from Spelbs. It has been sent in by Philip Kerrigan of Kerrigan's Mustard. Ah, lovely. It's Kerrigan's time. It's Kerrigan's time. Bring me the Kerrigans. Bring me the Kerrigans. It's Kerrigan's time. What's he got on offer for us this time? So, Philip Kerrigan of Kerrigan's Mustard has suggested male, M-A-I-L.

So, that's either in the context of the post, the male, or of course, the bloody daily male. Or as I like to call it, tomorrow's chip paper. Not that we're allowed to use newspaper anymore these days because of the EU. Health and safety gone, man. Or it chips anymore because of GM foods. Can I say, actually, and it's a bit of a topic change this. No, no, I shouldn't do it. It's quite early on to do that, but I think you have to do it too early.

Yeah, go on. Well, that voice, it just reminds me, because actually there was an update to the, to my rodent, to rodent, my rodent life yesterday. Oh, another story that you'd have to have listened to a previous podcast about this time. Yeah, I think this is a, this is, we've ended up making this our most in-joke, heavy episode. If the story, if the anecdote begins by letter, then I think we, you know, we could maybe do it. It doesn't really, all it did relate, all it relates to is that voice and talking about the daily male and saying things like, GM food gone mad, because it does relate to that.

Well, do you tell? Yeah, let's say let's hear it. Okay, so basically, I've had some rodent problems. I talked to a guy called Keith, the South African man. With his giant spoon? Or not? Kind of giant spoon. He was ex-military. He feared but respected the rat. Oh, we did get an email, by the way, saying that you're at your, they thought they were from themselves from South Africa.

They thought your South African accent was very good. Oh, great. But that you then went on to describe Keith's time in the Rhodesian army. And it's unlikely that someone from South Africa would serve in the Rhodesian army. And if they were Rhodesian or now Zimbabwean, they would have a completely different accent. I'm not, I'm going to rise above mentioning the fact that it was Mike that brought up the Rhodesian army. That's very noble of you. Yeah, because that's just not the kind of guy I am.

But anyway, so, so, so, but Keith mysteriously disappeared. His correspondence ended. I didn't hear from him again. After you sent him the 600 pounds. He's gone off continent. He's going to do that after a job. I never paid him. I think he's gone off continent for a bit. Wait for things to, I think he lies. But he didn't do the job.

He didn't do the job. So someone else, why end up going with a different company? What more accents did this guy have? Well, he was actually Northern. Right. He was called Allen. But he did this funny thing, which is he turned up yesterday. She was his second visit yesterday.

But he did this, he does this thing on, he's done this thing on both visits. Which is he constantly goes on about bloody health and safety, God. It's absolutely unbelievable. This is a man who works with poison. Exactly. He's unbelievable. And he's going about health and safety, which I think is quite, isn't that?

Is there to protect him? It's his job, is it? It's what he is. Also, he does this thing. And he's got this conversational tech he does, which he's done both times that he's visited two weeks apart. Which is he starts doing a, he goes, tell him all these days, you honestly, you can't say anything.

You can't. And it's like, you know, and he does this kind of mind of walking along a tightrope. You know, it's like, it's like walking along a bloody tightrope. And he does it, say in my kitchen, he's done this mind. It's quite an advanced mind. He does one foot off. Yeah, it's like walking on a bloody tightrope. You can't honestly.

He's a true communicator in every way. Can he do egg shells as well? I've not tried, it's the kind of thing he would. Yeah, I'm sure that's in his, that's in his. He's just nailed the tightrope one so much he wants to bust it out. But the tightrope is, he's worked on it. That's his favorite. I think maybe egg shells you get with the more expensive package you offer.

And the platinum grade, he gets thin ice. And that's really simple. I tell you what, I was like walking on egg shells on thin ice without, without a safety net and with a tightrope and holding your breath and without an health insurance. Yeah, that's the really, or that's the deluxe, the deluxe suite. And then this, then two weeks later, he's, he's chatting to me again. He goes, I'm telling you what, after this,

I've got to do a bloody five hour health and safety video. I've got to watch a bloody, honestly. According to the court. That was supposed to poison just the rats and not, and not the customers. Look, I'm sorry. They're both mammalian, right? It's the same body structure. And he did it anyway.

Oh, it's like, it's like, well, honestly, it's like a tie, it's like a body tie, a rot. We did it again, the mind. I mean, to be fair, from a health and safety point of view, the rats and the mice will be delighted with his work, because none of it's been taken up. None of it's been, none of it's been taken up. And there's a single dead form lying in your living room.

A beautiful, my beautiful thorn. Channel A. The one thing I didn't want to happen. Yeah, I'm afraid to shower me his toast. It's time to mount his head. And I do offer a, I do offer a head mounting service. It's all about business synergy. So his, his poison technique. Also, he used, sorry, he used the same,

he used the same metaphor that Keith used about the, how a mouse can get through a pen, can get through a big pen. It's not a metaphor, it's a fact. So it's a fact, but it's also metaphorically useful when I'm describing the fact. A fact. Well, it's like, yeah. In the same way that if someone was to ask you whether or not

they should throw the baby out with a bath water, yeah, you probably, you might reach for one. You shouldn't, you shouldn't throw your baby out with a bath water. That's also. But it's a fact and a saying. But there's no saying like, oh, it's like trying to stuff the mouse down a pen. Well, of course it isn't, because it's easy,

it's easy to stuff a mouse down a pen. It's as easy as stuffing a mouse down a pen. Well, that's why the saying isn't, it's easier for a rich man to go into the kingdom of heaven than it is for a mouse to get up and buy a ride. So, we were slightly worried that because of the amount of bags of poison and poison that were just everywhere, and he was placing them on the kitchen side and tossing them

around quite, quite blithely. We asked him, he said, no, it's absolutely not, oh, don't worry, it's not poisonous to him, honestly. Health and safety is not my tightrope. And basically what he did was he divided the animal kingdom into animals. And birds, yes. Animals and birds.

Well, obviously that's, yeah. But animals that can get up a pen and can't, or at least animals. Go on, try it Henry, ask me anything. Eagle, no. Ask me another one. Shark, no, no, no, go on, ask me another one. Ants, yes, go on. I'd love to watch the next big wildlife series on BBC One.

Welcome to animals that can get up a pen with me, David Attenborough. And I'll have really uplifted music. Yeah, that's the pen motif. Byros, fountain pens, bicks, and yes, sharpies. These are the pens of the world. Look at this young rhinoceros pup. It's lost its mother, and its mother is on the other end of that pen. That's when it gets tense, when there's tense bits.

What's the baby rhino going to do? Because when farmers talk about keeping their herd in a pen, a lot of people don't realise that it actually means... It's a storage solution, isn't it, ultimately? Yeah, it's a big Byro. So, what he said was that certain animals can... Okay, I'm not going to lie. A big part of our line of questioning was also whether Bluebell could fit up a pen.

Fit up a pen, because if she could, it would be an excellent way of getting her to and from the vets. If you could slip her into a pen, put that in your top left pocket. You could smuggle her on holidays with her. You could smuggle her on holiday. It was whether or not, yeah, Bluebell could... Could be poisoned. Could be poisoned, right, if she ate some of this stuff. And what he said was, he said because there are certain animals,

and it's linked to the fact that this thing happens with their rib cages, so like a mouse can collapse its rib cage or something, which is why it can get up a pen, and why there might be a mouse in any pen that you own right now. And there may be listeners writing right now, doing something correspondence while listening to this, who don't realise that they're actually... It's why you shouldn't chew pens. Yeah, it's not ethical.

And also, if you write a letter, always reread your letters, because the letter you've written might not say what you think it said. It might actually say, help, I'm a mouse. I'm up this... I can get up pens, but I can't get back down them again. Can you please just take this into the garden, give it a shake? And if some cheese fell out of your pocket at the same time, wouldn't do any harm. You're a sincerely mouse.

Which links to mail, by the way, so... Oh, we've done it. Links to the topic, yes. We've done it. You've done it. You've put it round. So, what you said is, there are certain animals that, if they can collapse their rib cage, get up a pen, or get through tiny gaps,

what that means is they are also animals that can eat their own weight in stuff. So they're contractable and expandable. I think it's... Yeah, that implies they must be contractable and expandable. And basically, if it can eat its own weight in stuff, it can eat enough of this poison to kill it, whereas Bluebell would not, and me, neither of us, would be able to eat as much our own body weights in...

You'd have a challenge, though, don't you, Henry? And I've been going at it for 24 hours, and I'm going to prove that guy wrong. So anyway, that's where we're at. So they're all... So the mice are stronger than ever at this stage? Yes, they're winning the... Festival, winning the battle.

But that did look nice. It depends, doesn't it? And pens are things that we all write mail with, aren't they? I've got to say, I don't... When was that? Have I written a letter in the last decade? I don't think I have. A card?

Have you made a card? Or a postcard? Of course, a card. I'm really bad at cards. You know, this is the thing in my relationship with my partner. So if I write the card to someone... It will say, Dear Mike, then it will be printed already,

Happy Birthday, and I'll write From Ben, and then I'll send it. Whereas she will embellish it with lovely tides of gladness and a bit of news, bit of flourish. The contrast is stark. And she'll say, you can't send that. And I'll say, well, I've done the bear minimum. It's fine. This card cost me £2.50.

What are you talking about? What's your strategy when it comes to writing in a card? You've got quite a good out, haven't you, Henry? Because you've got your illustration skills. In fact, many, many years ago, it's probably 2009, you stayed at my parents' house. Oh, yes. Because I think we had a gig nearby.

Yeah, I remember. And Henry sent a thank you card to my parents, which was illustrated. Because I think they'd shoved them in a spare room that had a load of my sister's ancient toys and stuff they hadn't got rid of yet. So it's quite spooky in there. Yes, it was full of like childhood dolls of my sister's. So ancient dolls' house and dolls and yeah.

Sklar side dolls, music boxes which you opened and a doll's face was rotating. But it was from the mid-80s. So it was quite sort of warps and rusted. Yeah, yeah. And there'd be a lot of kind of old, there'd be a lot of toys and things which if you pressed, touched them, would have some mechanism which sang a song. But because the mechanism had decayed over time,

it would sound quite creepy. So there'd be things like, If you go down to the wordstead. There was a lot of that, wasn't there? There was a lot of, there was a sort of clown, there was a kind of clown ceiling, isn't it? There was a lovely, there was a hand painted clown ceiling. She'd nailed the clown to the ceiling.

Yeah, and I teased her too. Is the only way she could get over a fear of clowns. Your parents didn't, they were very much cold turkey with that stuff, weren't they? They were very much like, yeah, yeah. Well, the opposite of cold turkey, hot, they were like. Hot turkey, right? They were like. You see that writhing sack in the corner?

There's a clown in there. Here's a mouse with some steaks. And you do it on the ceiling. I know it's going to be hard on doing it on the ceiling, darling. I know, I know, but that's the point. It's the work that you put in. So that clown obviously been dead since the late 80s. So, so dead now that there was no dead clown smell.

But the dead clown skull was very much, you could see the outlines of it through the burlap sack being wrapped in. Still smiling. Still smiling. But very long shoes that protruded into the bed. That was the only trouble. We did have to trim the trim back shoes eventually. Yes.

The shoes had been had been pruned off quite violently, hadn't they? Because there was still, there was still encrusted blood, blood, stalactites hanging off the, off the openings and halfway up the clown foot. Yeah. It is sad when a clown dies because, I don't know if you've ever been there at the bedside of a clown death, but when their nose gives out its final honk,

that long, dull, full kind of, And obviously at that point their eyes spring out, their arms come off. And of course the life monitor thing will go, Ah, fat. And then two or three bucket loads of free popcorn falls out of their arse. Yeah. So it's a harrowing night,

but Henry depicted that beautifully in a cartoon card they sent to my parents, which they have framed and they is in their front hall, so they have to stay. So that is lovely. So that's a strong card. That was a strong bit of mail there. That's a strong bit of mail. I haven't seen that they've kept any of my cards, I've said. Your drawings. None of my drawings have made it.

But your cards, Mike, would be very much sort of Dear Mr. and Mrs. Wozniak. Happy birthday, whatever the message is that's in the card. And I assume it's just, do you get these in a job lot, such as random, whether it applies to the occasion? Faithfully, MJ Wozniak, PS, please ensure that your will and associated papers are in order. Again. I can't emphasise that enough.

PPS, I do need to talk to you about power of attorney ASAP. Thank you. Yeah. And that was from your mid teens, you started. So you were range ahead of the curve. Well, you were still living with them as well, I think. Yes, yeah. I turn up every morning.

Is it not true, your sister once told me, Mike, or implied to me that your first words had actually been, Attorney. Is he saying mama? Attorney. Is he saying papa? A power, a power, a power. He's saying papa, power.

He's asking for a set of nursing home brochures. One day those dolls will be mine. Henry once stayed at my parents' house several years ago. Oh, yes. He gets them out, doesn't he? And my parents still talk about it occasionally. And the one thing they'll bring up is Henry's incredible ability to eat ham.

Little knowing that one day he would base an entire podcast on just that. I don't know if it was a Christmas ham. I think it might have been a Christmas ham. One of those big... Ben, can I just say it would have felt like a Christmas ham when they were watching me eat it. Because that's the magic that happens.

Falling out of your mouth. All the chives in there. Because your ham eating hat is very similar to a Christmas hat, isn't it, as well? Yeah, exactly. So they can get mixed up. Also, I do... If it's a big enough ham, I will insert clothes up into my gums.

They're just behind my teeth line. I'll insert clothes so that every bite, I'm not only taking ham out of the... Well, what do you call it? The ham. So there's names of different parts of the ham. There's the ham. And there's the other bit of ham.

And then there's the main ham. There's the ham surface. The under ham. There's the ham core. Core. And a magma, which is actually just a ham, really. So it's better just to call it a ham. So you don't get confused.

And then the satellite ham's, of course. It's like the bits that fall on the floor. They've got in your head. So, yes, I'll insert the clothes into my gob. So as I bite, I'm not only taking ham off the flesh. I'm inserting clothes into the mega ham or the ham surface. So, therefore, making it Christmasy as I go along. Yes.

I think... I just want to make it clear that they don't sort of... They weren't sort of unhappy about it. I think basically, I think my mum, who'd made the ham, was so flattered by the attention you were giving the ham. Yes. Yes. It stuck with her, you know?

Yeah. She'd never seen anyone getting off of the ham before, had she? It's like the corner of a night, the sofa in the corner of a school disco. Me and a ham. I'll take it off to the corner of the room. And we'll just... We'll be oblivious. Me and the ham will be oblivious to whatever's going on around us.

And I'll be just like, just leave those guys for a bit for an hour. Yeah. There's no point talking to Henry right now or the ham. So, I'm just getting mesmerised by remembering all the hams I've eaten. Like, what can have happened with your parents, Ben? And Mike's alluded to this as well, is I do have a sort of skill which is... You're quite all the animus. Is that what you mean?

Do you mean physically or emotionally? It's both when I'm eating a ham, isn't it? Well, I have a bit of a parent whisperer. I do have... I can conjure a spell over a parent and parents are putty in my hands, generally. So, I can see the weak spot of a parent and I will fill it with... I will do what it's called... It's called parent love bombing.

I'll fill it with... Did you catfish my parents? I'll do a quick diagnosis, what their weakness is, what their emotional hotspots... She's just made a ham. None of her family seem that interested in the ham. I will also... And, you know, it's not pretty this business, but it's what I do...

I will look... I will get a quick read on what are their disappointments in their actual son. So, with Mike, it was a paucity of emotional resonance in his cards and mail. I saw that as an area that I could fill. But your parents, Ben, were probably quite hard nuts to crack for me. Perfect son. Exactly. Perfect son.

I dropped some hints to try and work out whether they were aware of Bonjimin, your evil twin brother, just because this is an in-jokes heavy episode. But there was very little weakness. And then, as you say, Ben, I saw your mother around the ham. And I knew this is how I get into this family. That was your Trojan horse. It was my Trojan ham. Okay, time to read your emails.

We've got an email this week from someone very politely saying that they've got sick of some of the jingles that run every week. And I think she probably makes quite a good point, which is that... You know, every week now, you've had to hear the email jingle, the beat machine jingle. So she was saying maybe you could make new ones, which was a little bit presumptuous, but also quite a good idea. Yeah, yeah. So I started making a new email jingle yesterday.

Oh, great. Because the idea would be that we'd have a few and they would change them around. So it's just not always the same stuff. Okay. That's a good idea. And I spent maybe three hours on it. And it's just not very good. Oh, well, why don't you send it to us?

It might be all right. Yeah. Come on, Ben. Bit of confidence. You just had your confidence knocked. That's all it is. Yeah. But musicians have to go through this, Ben.

Like Bowie, you know, you have to reinvent yourself. Is it time to... To move to Berlin and only eat peppers and milk? Yeah. Yeah. Or to get some Madonna-style muscly arms or something like that. That was good. Do I need to contact Brian Eno?

Brian Eno should definitely be your first port of call, regardless. Well, Brian Eno is the guy for this sort of situation, isn't he? Because he'd get us all together. We'd write down... He'd get us all to write down random words on bits of paper. Then you put them in a bucket and set fire to it. Just to sort of disrupt, isn't it? He'd want to disrupt our process.

And he'd look at you, Ben. He'd look at, are you stuck in certain patterns? Yeah. I'm quite hemmed in by my own lack of abilities, the problem. That's true. Yes. So, I'm torn because I think maybe I should just play it because I did spend three hours on it.

Yeah. But then I'm good. But let's play it in the knowledge that I don't think is that good. Okay. I don't have a son. Can I say, by the way, that was quite poor. I see your face during that. It was absolutely livid.

No, I'm only kidding about. We haven't actually heard it. Not wanting to shift too much work onto the listener. But we've had lots of people sending in very, very good versions of our theme tune, which I'm always impressed by. If anyone fancied doing like a version of, for example, the Bean Machine theme, or the email theme, or any of our kind of like tense pole jingles,

that would be quite good. That's a good idea. Is that a good idea? Yeah, that's a great idea. And Ben, this ties into that whole thing you were talking about the other day about get the worms to do it for us. Yeah. I want to make it seem like an opportunity rather than a kind of,

you know, surf-like relationship that you might have with a podcast. But so only do it if it's something you fancy doing. I think that's a great idea. One more note we should say while we're talking about the listener and general stuff, we should say, we should doff our caps and say thank you to Grindeltoons. Oh, God, yes. Absolutely extraordinary.

Yeah, that is brilliant. You haven't seen it. It's on, he's at Grindeltoons. On Twitter, yeah. On Twitter. Yeah, if you haven't seen it, look on our Twitter. There's a chap called Grindeltoons who has animated some parts of the podcast and he's so good at it.

He's the biz. He's really great. And Mike and Ben don't really even understand the way he's in which it's good. I do, though, because I'm an illustrator and I understand these things. So Mike and Ben, they enjoyed it, but I really get it. And I can tell you genuinely, it really is good. Henry, how does it feel with another animator coming into your patch?

Fine. What are you on about? Really fine. Chill out. Relax, everyone. What? Yes. Course, it's supportive.

Supportive industry, mate. Fuck off. No, it's absolutely, it's bloody brilliant. Yeah. OK, so let's get into your messages. This one refers to how I would say I would only accept the bollocking that there is such a note as F-flat if somebody sent in themselves playing F-flat on a bassoon or a large oboe.

And we've had two, I think, this week. First one's from Ashley. They haven't just sent the note F-flat. They've done a version of our theme tune in the key of F-flat. No, not in the key of F-flat, because there's no such thing. Or is there? Oh, no. It starts again!

Was this their C-flat major? Or was it, or something? Was that what they said last time? I think there is no F-flat. We can't. No. Oh, no. Anyway, I think they say that this is a version of our theme

prominently featuring and beginning with the note F-flat. OK. Very, very good. Now, what I did say was that I would accept the bollocking if somebody sent the note F-flat, played on a bassoon or a big oboe. But they've sent us a tune there, haven't they? They haven't sent us just the note. They've sent the note.

Oh, come on, Bondjamin. Bondjamin. Put your Bondjamin back in his Bonda box. OK, fair enough. We then had an email from Christopher Bailey. He says, the raging debate surrounding the bassooning of an F-flat, he tracked down a bassoon-wielding friend of his, and she graciously agreed to complete the bollocking

and finally put this to bed. Here is your bassooned F-flat in all its resonant glory. Good grief. Amazing. Golly. And yeah, wow. I mean, these people, they really know one end of a bassoon from the other, don't they? It's impressive.

They really do. I mean, that's bang to rights, isn't it, Ben? Surely. I think so. I think that is an official bollocking accepted. Bollocking accepted. It's sort of halfway between a sort of trumpet and a recorder and a sort of Nespresso machine, isn't it?

A bassoon. It's quite extraordinary. Yeah. I think that was the creative brief when the Baron of Munster first demanded that it be built for his tallest christening. And they really ran with it, didn't they? Hannah E-mails, I'm writing to you with an urgent asphorism update.

OK. Great word, asphorism. Very, very good. Yeah. I think I found the perfect use for your new phrase, you can't sit on your own arse. Ah. Allow me to explain.

I work in a museum in London in which the benches for visitors to sit on are upholstered in a fabric printed with pictures of, you guessed it, arses. With the National Maritime Arse Museum in Greenwich. That's the National Maritime Arse Museum in Greenwich. Now, when a befuddled museum goer asks me, why are these museum seats covered in pictures of bare arses, which is a regular occurrence in my place of work,

I can reply with the ideal location specific proverb, well, you can't sit on your own arse. Oh. So the comprehension and merriment of everyone around me. Many thanks, Hannah of Bremen. Thanks, Hannah. But you can sit on it. So the implication is that that sentence would finish,

but you can sit on these. Lovely. She writes a PS, I'm not revealing which museum I work in for fear of encouraging a pompadou discount, which unfortunately I do not have the power to offer. They'll find you. They'll find you, Hannah.

They always do. If you find yourself in the National Maritime Museum of Arses in Greenwich, that's a 15% pompadou discount. No questions. Jerome Emels, Dear Three Big Salads for my own use, I've adapted the aphorism to you can't not sit on your own arse. Yeah, I see what he means.

Like, I think I can see what he's getting at. Because what else are you going to sit on? You fucking idiot. And then Samuel Emels, Hello, I shall be spending significant time with the 10 most regarded prize-winning global poets of the moment this week. Feels like a set up.

I think it's true. There aren't 10 poets, are there? There's not that many. There's not that many poets. Who is there? There's Pam Ayres, Benjamin Zephaniah. Simon Armitage. Yeah, Jeanette Winterson.

Bob Dylan. Yeah. Okay. So presumably that's not the end of the missive. I shall endeavour to slip. You can't sit on your own arse into as many conversations as possible. Oh, good.

With any luck, you're saying we'll feature in some high-end poetry collections within the year. And then it's in the OED within a year or less. Then it's done. Yes, yes. So, Sam, thank you. Very good.

Yes. Yeah, yeah, get out of there. Let's get this phrase into some poetry by famous poet, Emily Bundle. John Hagley? Yeah, John Hagley. There we go. It's light verse, Mike.

And finally, finally Mel is from Warren. Good day, Beans. After Henry's declaration in the last episode that he is the star of three bean salad, I decided to conduct an experiment. Here are my findings. During your riveting and thorough discussion of the subject of sandwiches,

I used a piece of software to do an audio word count. Oh, no. Oh, no. From the time the bean machine cracked into life, up until the mail by Jengle ended the vigorous debate, here is how the word count was split. Mr. B. Partridge, 331 words. Mr. M. Wozniak, 211 words.

Oh, dear. Mr. H. Packer, 4,738 words. Can I say? So that's an order of magnitude, Mark. We're not even comparing like with like. Um, okay, two things to say to that. One is no algorithm or human here can distinguish

between our voices. There's no way of knowing if that's true. And the second thing is I was aware that I've really bleated on last week and I felt, I felt. No, honestly, Henry, thanks. I was very aware of it afterwards. Thank God you are, because me and Mike could not pick up that slack.

We know exactly, yeah. No. We know already that you and Mike left your own devices. It would be tidal information. Yeah, and long, long periods of companionable silence. That's right. And the occasional tide sort of news flash story or like a fun tide story.

Yeah, like if like a big sealer or a walrus has, oh, you know, been washed up from Iceland or something. Yeah, we'll let people know about it, sure. But succinctly. Yeah, and with a minimum of fuss. And then it's just back to those, back to that tide data. But yeah, I mean, Henry, do not let this put you off. Okay, okay, okay.

I won't, I won't. Otherwise me and Mike could, we'd be absolutely. It looks like I definitely need to pick up the slack a bit there, but I probably won't. I think we can now agree that Henry is in fact the star of Three Been Sired, exactly as he proclaimed it. It turns out that's completely reasonable. Yeah.

Yeah. All the best, Warren. That's why I said it. It's time to pay the ferry man. Patreon, Patreon, Patreon.com. Four slash three been salad. Thank you to everyone who signed up on our Patreon.

Thank you. God bless you all. And there are various tiers. You can get rid of the adverts from the show. You can get extra episodes. And it went to, you can get a little shout out in the Sean Bean lounge where Mike was last night. Sure was.

It was always heaving last night. Because of course it was the Swan Disco, wasn't it? It was the Swan Disco. Yeah, which is a very popular event. And here's my report. The spandex short shorts have never been shorter than they were last night at the Sean Bean Lounge for the Sean Bean Lounge Swan Disco.

As ever, it wasn't long before competitive dance-offs broke out left, right and centre, the first being prompted by Rachel, who teamed up with a bull-deck swan in neon blouse and flared legs. Funky chickened their way to the centre of the dance floor and challenged Guy Thomas in a Cygnus Falconeri with an unambiguous disco finger.

Before Guy had a chance to grapevine his way to the bus stop, Nell kick-popped and rocked him off the floor and into the Unispecies toilets and demanded a piece of the action alongside a tie-dye tundra swan with platform beak. But were instantly out-disk-o'd by Amy Le Pettifer and her Alaskan trumpeter who saw that YMCA and raised it to robot spell the National Association

for the Guides and Scouts movement of the Republic of Kiribati in full. Most would have found that a hard act to follow, but not Oli Beaumont. Who, alongside a Cygnus Columbias, Buiccii and sequined Holtenek and Maxi Skirt with double thigh split, stepped in touch to lawnmower,

straight into a hustle-bump sprinkler, rounded off with a seven-foot Winx-Band boogaloo. They were presented with a ceremonial glissaball by Sean Bean who gave a confused and rambling speech about toyotas as he'd clearly not seen the event at all but had been watching old episodes of Top Gear on his iPhone. Thanks all. Okay, let's work out which version of our theme tune

is going to play us out. We've got lots of people who have sent in. I'm going to read them out so you need to pick one, but there's loads. You need to keep your ears open. Okay. A version that is in F-flat, played on the cello, a choir of flightless birds,

slide guitar and saxophone, happy house, something called Micrabenum Opus, tongues, pots and pans, Jules Holland style, Vocaloid, Garage, Fugue, Music Box, Requiem, Harpsichord. This is a superb illustration of the diversity of our listenership, isn't it? I love it.

It is. So if you can remember any of those. Flightless birds would fit in with the injoki vibe. Oh, that's a good shout. Okay, very good. Very good. Yeah. Good thinking.

All right. As would Crabnam Opus, I assume. Anyway, we're going to go with Flightless Birds. So this is from James. James says, he sent this in a while ago. He says, I finished my A-levels yesterday. Wow. Wow.

Today I experienced such a lot of energy that I entered a sort of liminal state of consciousness. I became delusional and decided this would be a good idea. I present the beam theme sung by the Flightless Birds Choir. I took samples of baby rears, greater rears, lesser rears, dwarf cassowaries, southern cassowaries, and secretary birds, and spent the afternoon making this. Every sound you hear has been made by one of these birds.

In doing so, I discovered that cassowaries are some of nature's best bass boosters. Brilliant. Apparently their booming rumble can be heard from up to five kilometers away. Wow. According to Google, scientists still don't know how they do this, which seems odd because you thought they'd have figured that out by now. That should be a priority, shouldn't it? Well, thank you.

Thank you, James. And also, he says goodbye, James. Then he says, P.S., I would like 999 goose beaks. Oh, OK. Which to me feels like an in-joke that I've forgotten about from my own podcast. I think you're right. And that's how far we've gone up our own beaks. Up to Byro, yeah.

Anyway, thank you, James, and thank you to everyone for listening until next time. Goodbye. Thank you, Tara. Bye.