Three Bean Salad - Maps

Episode Date: April 20, 2022

Sarah of Bremen decides this week’s topic for the beans is maps and they can’t be blamed for delving into the unchartered chat territories of compressed meat biscuits, what you should rub in Luton for luck and why Ben’s career as a fantasy novelist is doomed before it’s even begun.Get in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpodJoin our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansalad

It's fishing a pen out of my box of pens. The, yeah, it might die at any point today's recording. Your computer? My computer, yeah. It did a thing yesterday where it just, it just went, that's it, I'm done. It's the thing we all fit in the middle of a fairly anodyne computer. It just went that, that's it, all systems down. Do you think it could have been a cyber attack?

It could well have been a cyber attack. And it kind of made a kind of powering down sound, which I've never heard it make. You only get that on Netflix dramas and stuff, don't you? Yeah, you only get that on Netflix dramas and some of the later Michael Bay Transformer films. There was a thing on Twitter where people were having fun, sharing their things that happen in movies that they don't think actually happen in real life. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. And I got involved in that fertile ground. It's lovely stuff, isn't it? And mine was that thing when they walk into a warehouse or something. Yeah. Put on the lights and it goes, and the lights come on. Oh, yeah, all the way down the warehouse. All the way down the warehouse.

No. That's good. I think in real life, all lights come on at the same time. Yep. Because when you turn the lights on in the room, they all just come on. They don't go, I think you'd have to go to the trouble of putting some sort of special circuit current, current halting diodes or something in between. Be a real job of work, be a real nuisance for the spark that has been employed to sort

it out. It would be so. It was one of those ones where you had to get an electrician. You had to look at Trustpilot, Nextdoor app, Toolbunny, and you had to look at multiple apps, wouldn't you? And they tell you this really isn't worth it because, you know, it's just, it's going to add at least 700 quid to your budget, you know, and that's not even labour. I'm sorry.

This is my lair. When I walk in, I want the lights to come on in a dramatic fashion. I want them to go, boof, boof. And I want them to come on one by one. Why is that so hard? Oh, and what if they get them the wrong way around as well? We're coming towards you. Yeah, or sideways.

Look, I just wanted to do, do, do effect. Yeah. I don't want it to go up and down like an electric piano in a 1970s music video. No. And that's not, it's fairly simple. I just wanted to do, do, do all the way down. Have you met my snake? Hmm?

You want to meet my snake and get to know him better? I don't think you do. What do you mean? Why is my warehouse so big? Because I know there's a single computer in the middle of it. That can bring down all of Europe. Don't you understand? Is that computer?

I can't believe I have to explain this kind of stuff. It should be page 101 in the dummy's guide to what you're doing. If I'm going to interrogate a man on a single chair, it has to be in a large humongous warehouse space. Otherwise, it's not intimidating to the man. If you could reach out and touch a wall, no thank you. A huge warehouse space, one little office chair in the middle of it. You got yourself an interrogation situation.

I want to think, who is this guy? He's got so much storage space, he's not even using. What's this storage like at home? It must be extraordinary. It must be so expensive to heat this space. That's what I wanted to be thinking there. His bills must be huge. This guy must mean some serious business.

I mean, he's not even bothering to use solar panels or anything. Climate deny, he's a really nasty piece of work. That's what I want him to think. Do you understand? He's taken decluttering to the next level, this guy. He's got so much space, not even a single bubble. I mean, it's unbelievable. I want him to think he's going to declutter me.

That's what I want him to think. Do you understand? I want him to think I'm going to be decluttered. I want him to think and I want the world to know that I am going to declutter the entire planet. But not my snake. But not my snake. My snake needs, he needs to keep busy.

So he needs a little snake wheel, he needs a little drinking hole. He needs... And not my little freezer full of frozen mice, because he needs... He needs a little freezer full of frozen mice and there's a little smeg. It's the smallest smegs they do. Did you know that? They do little snake freezes. In powder blue, which is my favorite color.

All right. For some reason, it's so soothing. I look at the powder blue and I think everything's okay. It's such a strange, isn't it? It's just a little mini fridge. But I also think, what powder is it that is in this color? You know, that is a great question, because I have powdered so many people and things. I've powdered all of my enemies.

I've powdered my family. I've powdered... I actually powdered... I even powdered the blue man group. I powdered the blue man group. It still didn't work. It came out as a sort of brownie ready mush, didn't work at all. Yes, exactly.

And yes, that is why you haven't heard about blue man group for a while. It's not just because they were bigger than 90s and people have moved on. It's because I've powdered them all and I've powdered not just the blue man groups. I've pounded every single franchise. I've pounded the blue man group in Tokyo. I've pounded the blue man group in Rio de Janeiro. I've pounded all of them. Coventry, everything.

Coventry. I've powdered stomp. I've powdered stomp, believe you, powdering those bin lids is not easy. I've powdered the Phantom of the Opera, powdered them all and yet in a way, I've never powdered myself. Anyway, so I tweeted this to point out, that's something that happens in films that doesn't happen in real life. Of course, the likes and retweets started rolling in.

My self-esteem began to rise. Of course, well done. And then, lo and behold, more and more people started commenting. Know that they do make that sound in a warehouse. What do you know about a warehouse? You've ever been in a warehouse? Of course, the answer is no. I've never been in a warehouse.

Maybe I have, but not when they turn the lights on. You tend to arrive many hours afterwards. You've never been in a warehouse. None of us have ever been in a warehouse. I've been in a warehouse that's been changed into a space where they serve street food and people do skateboarding. There's some interactive promenades here to go in. Exactly.

You've been in a warehouse not knowing you're in a warehouse. You've been in a warehouse thinking that you're in a delightful little, so authentic, this little Italian restaurant, isn't it, darling? And the way there's a carbon to hand whittling the pepper pots, it's a wonderful historic place, isn't it? Not knowing you're actually in a unit, Italian 05, 693. Anyway, people were trying to point out that I don't know what lights in a warehouse are like, and actually, they do make that sound.

Do they really? But how do we know? I mean, who's claiming this? Can we verify these are proper warehouse people? What do we know? They could just be kind of as on provocateur, just trying to muddy the waters and... Oh, my God. They're the very same people who made Brexit happen.

Well, you just don't know. That's the trouble with online now, isn't it? There'll be so many. There'll be people. There'll be groups now developing, won't there? This is what happens online. Things become polarised. So there'll be now communities of people that think that the warehouses do go on, lights

do go on, in a do-do-do-do-do way, and there'll be the... There'll be a whole team assigned to the warehouse issue who've been waiting for their moment to try and divide the nation over the whole warehouse lighting issue. Yeah. This feels like something people could email in about, actually, 3bincilodepod.gmail.com. Do you work in a warehouse? Have you ever turned the lights on or off? When you do that, do they go...

That's what I want to know. Have you ever had a job which had the responsibility of opening or closing up the shop at the beginning or end of the day? Oh, let me think. I don't think so. I don't think so, and I also know that you shouldn't have. Well, you know what? I haven't.

Because I did work in a gift shop for a period, but they'd never let me know any of the lights, because that feels like it's kind of structural stuff, and I never got to open or close the shop. I didn't have my own set of keys. None of the codes. Didn't have the codes. What about when you were working as a henchman for that evil German guy with the snake? He wouldn't let me turn on the warehouse lights.

He wasn't a very good delegator, was he? He liked to do all that stuff himself. He wasn't a good delegator. He didn't even let me turn on the lights in Herman, his snake enclosure. He didn't even let me do that. It was very unclear, actually, what you were employed to do, wasn't it? He would do the powdering. He would sweep away the powder.

Yep. Yes. At the time, Mike, you remember, we were all living in London. We'd go and meet Henry for an after-work drink. We'd say, oh, Henry, what have you been up to today, and he'd be very sketchy about it. Well, I didn't want to say it at the time. I think the only reason Henry was there because he's one of the few people that can pull

off a trilby. I think it was during my trilby phase. This arch nemesis wanted someone in his entourage who could pull off a decent trilby. I think there was a point in the sort of mid-to-late noughties where I had, certainly my silhouette had what you could describe as passable or decent hench energy. Yeah. You had a thug outline, didn't you? I had a thug outline.

Obviously, you turn the lights, flick the lights on, and you're looking at a quivering sort of bug-eyed sort of quivering reptile of a human being, like a very, very, very sick gecko that's somehow been trained to use trousers. But I did have, yeah. Who's been fed the wrong type of cricket. For years it turned out, and now we keep him around, but he's sallow and mushy. He's withering from the inside.

He's entirely porous. You can stick your hand through him at any point in his body. Yeah, I was quite a flaky human being. No, but I did have a trilby phase, and at that point I was employed by a few international thugs to... You did a bit of surveillance in some East German train stations as well, didn't you? I did a bit of that. Because you used your art skills to...

You're quite good at making eye holes in newspapers. I could make a two eye holes, I could make a nose hole, a mouth hole. I could make an entire face hole. Which lost you the job at the end. Which lost me the job. The other obvious thing that happens in films that doesn't happen in real life is people living in places that they could never afford. Oh, yes.

Like everyone's got a nice house. Yeah, yeah, that's true. You're sort of low ranking policeman who's actually been chucked off the force. He's still got an exposed brick apartment, isn't that how that happened somewhere? He's still got a multi-level pool. And what will happen at some point? At some point, the scriptwriters will try and tackle this. And someone will mention the word rent control.

And that seems to cover all bases, I think. Oh, it's rent controlled. Okay. It's a rent controlled condo. Yeah, exactly. There we go. Well, they say those things in American films, they don't mean anything, but they know that the international audience will assume that means something.

There's no certain thing as rent controlled. Doesn't mean anything. Think about it. I mean, all rent is controlled, isn't it? In some way. By the invisible hand of the market. That's how it should be. Yeah, or you just cover it with the same with the landlord

that you haven't paid. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's another thing. Does that happen in real life? It must have done, but maybe not these days. Landlord coming around asking for the rent and cash. Has that ever happened to you in real life?

No, that's not happened for years. I mean, no, years and years and years. I never met, I don't think I've ever met, physically met a landlord of mine when I've rented. Never. I don't think so. I think I've always met my landlord. And it's always, I have to say, very nice to meet the person

whose mortgage you're paying. It's a lovely feeling as they drive up in their quite nice car. Get out in the way and then quite nice shoes. And it's just nice to feel that you're contributing to that, really. Yeah. And as long as someone's, someone's happy. And when he brings his children in, sometimes they'll come along and they'll run into your flat with them.

Oh, yeah. They might not even be in secondary school yet, but they're aware that this is part of their legacy. Yeah. And that you are some sort of surf. And they'll go, Tattie, Tattie, why is this man's bedroom smaller than my lunchbox? Darling, I've told you not to think of them as people.

Oh, yes. Sorry, Tattie. He's not Benjamin Partridge. He's the Pink Goblin, isn't he? He's that Pink Goblin. He's Pink Goblin Cash Machine 5. He's account number 3472. No, darling, you silly girl.

You can't literally press his nipples and expect money to fly out of his arse. That's just a metaphor I used to describe him. That's just a threat you've heard me use in the past. Oh, you're such a silly little princess. Of course, I call her my princess because she literally is a princess. I've bought her that title of money from this block. It's nice, isn't it? It's nice.

I say you're part of something bigger, isn't it? When I first moved to London, my landlord was this amazing guy. He had a little office in Crouch End. No, not Crouch End. Turnpike Lane. And it was like walking into the 1970s, I mean, he didn't do email. He didn't have a mobile phone. If you wanted to see him, you had to go to the little office.

Bottle of Scotch in the top drawer. No, no, no, no, no. That would be too expensive for him. Like everything he owned cost south of £2, including chairs, desks. Bottle of Yop in the top drawer. Bottle of Yop. Empty Bottle of Yop full of squash in the top drawer. Bottle of Own Brand Supermarket Yop, not actual Yop.

Bottle of Yip. But he owned something like 800 houses in the local area. So it was absolutely loaded, but just clearly had never spent any of it. Oh, that's the worst. I hate that, though. At least just have a huge gold face based on your face in your garden. Something. You know what I mean?

What's he got to do with it? He had a right-hand man who did everything for him, who was so old, we couldn't work out how old he was. But our only clue is once we were talking to him, we were asking him where he was from because he was obviously from the... Transylvania. No, he was kind of South Asian, so probably from the Indian subcontinent somewhere. We were interested, we were asking him about his past.

And he said that he wasn't Indian, nor was he Pakistani, nor was he Bangladeshi because he was born before any of those things existed. And that he thought of himself as a subject of the British Empire. Jesus. We were like, how old are you? Wow. Did he have a face the shape of a clock and a long beard? I'm just wondering, was he actually time?

But his legs were running sands. He may have actually been time, then. Also, it's par far rent. You know how sometimes you get things in, like sometimes it includes your water and all this kind of stuff. It included none of that, but it did include every so often in the summer, an old man, older than... As old as the height of the British Empire would come around and mow the lawn,

but would just mow everything in the garden. So if you'd planted flowers, all mowed, just everything in there. Everything in that little square was mowed, whatever you left in there. It's quite a British Empire approach. So this guy, he was saving money as well by presumably employing people that had technically been registered as dead. It doesn't have to pay national insurance or pension contributions, none of it. Well, I think one of the solutions,

one of the only solutions really to getting on in life at the moment these days is just to be really old. Right, interesting. Because if you can be really old, if you can be old enough, if you can be that old, you're basically from the time when you just saw some property and went, I'll have that or some land, do you know what I mean? Because they were just there when it was divvied up, all these landlords and stuff. Were they?

What are you talking about? Well, they just there when it... When did they give out flats and turn back home? Are you feeling like you've missed out on a dowry? Is that what you're saying? Are you thinking about the American West? Basically, what I'm talking about is we are all the great, great, great grandchildren of some sort of bagsy system, aren't we?

Basically. Oh, I see. So if we go back like 20 generations, there'll be... Yes. Sir Henry de Packer, who fought well in the Battle of Hastings and as a result, was given a parcel of land in such a... Is that what you mean? I actually mean even further than that.

I'm talking about probably so far back that Henry was actually not even necessarily fully humanoid. But maybe had a bit of a... Had gills. Had a gills, bit of a tail on him. Sort of fish with a couple of leg bugs. Maybe a bit of that, a bit of eyes that blinked, not up and down, but sideways. So sideways blinking eyes. I made this sound.

Yeah, the kind of guy who would maybe occasionally just spit out a big sort of flemmy ball of semi-digested ants and roaches. But who did also own the freehold to a disused warehouse on the Southampton Docks. And some commercial property that is, you know, now a Gregg's. He also dabbled in real estate. No, but like at the point of like... At some point, presumably things were just bagsied and just divvied out and just like, there was like, I'm here now.

So I'm going to, this is my bit over here. I know what you mean, Henry. But I don't think we should be that envious of it because it was a system where you could just kill the other person and have it, wasn't it? So the likes of us, well, Mike would be fine. I think Mike would be a fearsome warlord who would own everything as far as I could see. Thank you. Thank you, Ben.

I think that's the nicest thing anyone's ever seen. I think it's likely that an ancestor of Mike's did come across the ancestor of mine. He had the sideways eyes and the sort of them... And pulled them out and just put them back in the right way around. That might not even have been for land or power. That might have just been a sort of reflex action to horror. Just to try and make the aberration right. Just you lash out, don't you?

It's a human instinct. You lash out in that situation. But yeah, so at some point, hang on, guys, I'm just thinking, are we coming up with the idea for communism? I don't know. I think you first, you came up with the idea for sort of feudal system just now. Possibly. Oh, that was feudal.

And I think now you're veering towards communism. You're lurching wildly from system to system. I'll do that. That happened to me yesterday in the park. I was walking along and I was like, just having some thoughts. Should you ever do this? And you come up with an idea and you're like,

hang on a minute, I've just thought of bloody communism. I thought of communism, really. Just thinking how unfair everything is. And it's like everyone is ridiculous, do you know what I mean? And also, our athletes, why aren't we giving them more hormones and drugs? Then they'd win more medals at the Olympics. Exactly. Threatening their families.

Yeah. If they tell anyone. Find a promising gymnast at 10. Him or her full of drugs until they're 16 and then watch the medals roll in. Dose them up. And if you have to, to make this work, surveil their parents. Surveil them. I thought of that between the big tree and the bench.

Because, you know, you go through the whole thing in your mind and by the time I was turning the corner under the railway bridge, I was like, you know what, to enforce this, we're going to have to have a network of labour camps. We're just going to have to. It's going to be the only way to really make it happen, but it will be worth it. Get the people to spy on one another. That's the way to get the best sort of attendance network.

And maybe about one, between one and six people could be informers. That would help. Lovely. Yes, yes. You need to create a sense of sustained permanent panic amongst the populace. And if they behave really well, maybe they'll get a larder in 10 years time. A trip to the North Sea coast. Is that, Henry, when you're thinking of those ideas, do you then,

because sometimes when I have what I think is a good idea, I then realise, then I have the thoughts that tell me it's a bad idea. So did you sort of go through perestroika yourself, as you were thinking about communism and come out the other side? Or did you? Well, I'm going to have to say it was my own internal, well, because I was playing it all out. So for me, it was the Isle of Man missile crisis.

Okay. That was the chink in the armour. That was the chink in the armour, where I felt that things might not. So it's not fully resolved yet? I mean, I've tried to, mentally, I've been rolling out a lot more propaganda, a lot more posters with blocky, chunky portrayals of human beings. I feel that's going to be important. Let's face it, look absolutely cracking.

Oh, God. Yeah. And generally people looking upwards and to the left and holding. Like an ear of wheat. You know, holding an ear of wheat. Or a spanner. People with slim waist and broad shoulders. Yeah, sinewy arms.

Those posters really, I think those posters still work, don't they? They really do. Like those posters are fairly key to why I have that tempest at me and things how actually Soviet communism will be quite good. You still long to be a Soviet farmer somewhere. Yeah, absolutely. And just to have a selection of gray and beige shirts and everything being on that spectrum would make life a lot simpler in a way.

I think I don't think that was communism. I think that was just the 70s, which somehow permeated the most capitalism and communism. Yeah. I do sometimes, do you ever do that? Do you ever think of something and it already exists? Shall I invent something that already exists? I haven't done it with a political system, I don't think.

No, that's probably my most ambitious. I did it once with the mug. I invented the mug once. Were you holding a mug at the time? No. Holding a boiling hot cup of tea in your bare hands. There's got to be another way. How can I stir the sugar in if I've got both of my hands

to use my foot to pour in boiling water from a kettle into your mouth? Why do people see this ritual as relaxing? No, to be honest, it was a time in my life when I probably had a lot of pretty slightly more time for mental meanderings than was entirely healthy. But I was once sitting in the sitting room there and I was like, I just went through the mental steps of I want some tea, I want a hot tea. I need it to be, this was in a matter of seconds, by the way. I mean, this is...

Oh, sure, I mean, you've got a whip smart and a little brain when you need it. Yeah, yeah. This was a whip, super smart, whip smart kid, this was. And I just went, hot liquid, need it in a ceramic, ideally a ceramic container. Obviously, paper's not going to work. Chainmail. Chainmail is very much context-based, isn't it, for when it's useful or not? Glass might be problematic.

Hemp, I'm not entirely sure what that is. Just write that off now. Can't really sort of stack some blocks of sort of Jenga pieces next to each other and hope for the best. That's unlikely to work as well. Exactly. Donkey's skull. Plus that.

Close. I mean, obviously the dream is you pour the tea in the eye hole and drink it out at the other. But the internal mechanics of that... Happens too fast. It happens too fast. So I thought, ceramic container, I'm going to want to hold that, handle on it. Oh yeah, it's a mug.

Just like that. I've got a bunch of them in the cupboard. Just like that. I went over and got them, so they already existed. But I... So basically, Henry, your brain was working at the level of the beaker people. The early inhabitants of Britain who... It really was.

They did earth and wind mugs. But it's that thing of when you think of an idea and you go, I've already been done. Yeah, I had that with Pink Floyd's Dark Sound of the Moon. Yes, you went so far into making it, Mike. You employed so many session musicians as well. And a lot of them who'd actually worked on the first... On the original, hadn't they?

Well, they were recommended to me for that very reason. Yeah, yeah. These guys are picking this up very quickly. And this guy's wearing a t-shirt of the album art. Of the album art that I haven't even conceived yet. I've not even had that idea yet, but I reckon it will be along those lines, actually, weirdly. So yeah, thanks.

Can I just borrow that t-shirt tonight and trace it? This was a really good fit. And there was a copy of an LP, wasn't there, of they'd actually made... Someone left it there lying around, hadn't they? A copy of the album. For reference purposes, yeah, which really sped things up. That really sped things up.

Thank God, because the studio at the time was very expensive. And I'm not sure we'd have got it done. Yeah, it must have been an absolute hammer blow, then, wasn't it? When you... When I had to be sat down. Yeah. It was a tough day. And then you got beat up by Roger Waters, didn't you?

He told me in the hardest, but also the kindest way, I think. Pink Floyd, for me, are the band in the world that I can't work out if they're absolutely top-level brilliant and maybe the best band of all time. Or absolute dog shit that I should hate. And I've got nowhere at the band where they occupy those two... Sounds like it's time to get back on Twitter and see what the people say. I can fully get behind it.

Chippin' pen. Enter your pen number please. Just a bank transfer. Do you need a contact post up to 100? People say, is it up to 100 pounds? No, it depends. They lowered it after the pandemic back to 50. But with Apple Pay, it's not on your phone, you can actually...

It's infinite, isn't it? Can't be infinite, can it? And then you can actually buy a Concorde or something. If they still did them. Have you got any Concords? No, I don't own any Concord, sorry. I think I'm going to Concord store those for years. I'll have a quick look in the back.

We've got a massive warehouse in the back. I'll turn the lights on first. Pink Floyd. Well, the thing is they're very much a teenage... They're a band when you're a teenager. It's like, fucking hell, these guys. They're incredible. They've done a song about money.

They get... What? And time. They're so ambitious, aren't they? That's why they're quite good teenagers. They're big concepts. They're ambitious. Yeah, they're blowing your mind.

Yeah, they're concept. Time. I think it's something about how, as individuals, they just seem very boring. But I find that quite appealing somehow. Really? It smacks of professionalism. Yes.

Of course, you do need to go showboating about the place, you know, wearing silly clothes. Or doing silly swearing on television interviews. They're just hard-working, world-class professional musicians doing a decent, bloody job. And the one who is really into drugs isn't involved anymore. But they're really middle-class, aren't they? Yeah.

Pink Floyd. And like, they've got this thing that... They're now, like, late middle-aged. Just... They live in... I'm sure, you know, they live in the home counties. Yeah. They vote conservative as fuck.

Although I like them immensely, I think there's a similar thing going on with Queen. The exciting one has gone, and we're left with the solid middle-class rump. I think Roger Taylor might have been a dental student when they went big. Yeah. He's probably thinking of going back,

completing his training, opening a practice. Brian May did complete his astrophysics PhD, didn't he? He did. Yeah. Yeah. And they all have multiple... They've got loads of dogs, haven't they? They've all got loads of dogs.

They've got Jeeps. They've got Range Rovers. They've got outdoor... They've got rambling shoes. They've got rambling shoes. Very good wet weather gear. Excellent wet weather gear. They've got an area between the front door of their home

and the sort of sitting-room areas where... Just so you leave your boots and your wellies here. Oh, stop it. Oh, God. What's great is we don't bring mud into the house, okay? Oh, God. Yeah. Oh, God.

Ding-a-ding. Ding-a-ding. Ooh, it's almost too much. Money. Ding-a-ding. Ding-a-ding. I've got loads of... It's like you stepped into my dreams.

Yeah. And the house absolutely stinks of Labrador's. The Labrador smell is... Yeah, it's overwhelming. They've got argas everywhere you look. Full of dogs. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. There's just dogs coming in and out. It's a bit like the atmosphere in the West Wing. Do you remember the... But instead of, you know, political aparachics and wonks, it's dogs milling up and down the corridors, you know what I mean?

Like coming left and right, chatting, walk with me. Shitting on Persian carpets. He's got Persian rugs on a kind of... On a kind of huge roll of them. A bit like huge... Disposable with a big serrated blade that you can tear them off, like from cling film. It's basically like incredibly decadent toilet paper.

He's got a roll of Persian bugs. And as the Labrador's shit them off, you tear one off and you roll out the next one. And they're all unique. And you sign it and you set an auction. You set an auction. That feeds money from that, feeds back into your various, you know,

savings accounts and sort of property portfolios. Every now and then though, when you're in the shower and you've got one of those showers where the shower comes up from between your legs. And sideways. And sideways. Every direction possible. Full body bidet.

Yeah. Got full body bidet and the shower is encased in glass and around it, above you, and to the left and right and underneath, you've just got all the stages of the life cycle of a Labrador playing out in front of you. So you can fully... On holograms.

What, so like you've got... Conception birth. You've got, they'll be Labrador's fucking... Probably to the bottom right, they'll be Labrador's giving birth. All different stages. The delightful puppyish stage where they're just learning how to walk. You've got that going.

So you've got the... First birthday. First birthday. Puberty. Yeah. Puberty. Graduating. First peeking up a shoe that...

You know, it's not all just the good stuff. It's, you know, it's poignant. It's a poignant journey. And you go through that entire journey, just every shower you have in the morning. When you say it's all around, do you mean they're literally doing that or is it like a kind of fresco?

No, they're literally doing that. Do you know how many copies the wall sold, friend? They're real Labrador's. Do you know what I mean? So that level of luxury, occasionally there, that song must come back to you. Do you know what I mean?

There must be a slight feeling of like, hang on a minute. I was publishing quite skeptical about money. I was skeptical about money as a system. And now... The sheer amount of dog food I have to buy to keep all these dogs alive, very much requires money.

So I'll do it for the dogs. Yeah, because for the sake of the dogs, I'll... Yeah. Yeah, for the dogs. Yeah, for the dogs, darling. It's for the dogs. That would have been the verse that we probably should have put in back in the day.

We can't... Maybe if we remaster the album again, maybe we'll put an extra verse in about. A caveat for if you do your own 400 Labrador's, then in that case, you might need to make sure you've got hundreds of millions of pounds to spare, enough to dispose of the Persian rugs and so on. No, because I think that's what happens.

I think what happens is all of these people, so members of Queen, members of Pink Floyd, members of Len Zeppelin, all of these big 70s and 80s bands. Status quo. They're now status quo. I think Led Zeppelin is still cool, though. I don't imagine they are in this world.

Okay, maybe... I went and saw Jimmy Page eating noodles in a... What's that kind of posh supermarket where everything's organic in Kensington? Whole Foods. Whole Foods. Really? Upstairs in the Whole Foods,

Jimmy Page eating noodles on his own. Sorry, I've just... Sorry, I've got to go to Kensington. I've got to just go and see if there's a... I'll see you later, go. Imagine Mike turning up with one of those two-necked guitars, just wandering around looking for Jimmy Page. Hey, Jimmy.

He wasn't there. I'll go but later. I think they're still cool. They're not in that world. No. Okay, maybe not them, but those bands... Sacrificing a goat on an onyx table. And letting the blood slough off into the ground.

And then be frozen and fashioned into a 14-string guitar. Yeah. I have a goat, I have a goat, come and have a chicken! Where did that voice come from? Are they... Where are they? I can feel your hoof! I can feel your hoof! I can feel your hoof!

I feel it like the trooper! What is that voice? What? It really hurts. Does he... Does he have to... Does he have to... Does he talk like that?

I think... He only talks like that as well. He can only talk like that now. I think it's a natural speaking voice. He has to talk like that now. It's very hard for him in... In Peter Express. That'll be the...

Is it the Venetianer? Was that the Venetianer he was asking for? We don't know. We never know. Sorry about that. There's a bit of scaffolding happening outside, and I had to get Bluebell because I had to get Bluebell into the room. So Bluebell's not normally in the room when I record,

so you may notice a slight difference in my demeanor. I think she slightly improves the acoustics. She does. Well, she... She operates as a sort of... She absorbs a lot of sound, yeah. She's the equivalent of... She's an acoustic baffle.

But there's nothing baffling about how I feel about her. Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell Skits upon the moon, we'll defeat a giant worm like in June, I'll see you there soon. Bluebellena and Bluebarama, Bluebalama and Bluebaruma, Bluebarata and Bluebarata, Bluebaracul, wipe off the faces of our enemies, you'll toy with the corpses of anyone who defies our galactic rule, it's cruel to be kind, but mainly to be cruel, mmm, mmm, mmm. No, but she, yeah, she operates like, one of those fairy things on the end of a microphone, isn't it?

They're called dead cats. Those things. Dead cats, yeah, she actually operates like a dead cat while being a live cat. I think she's called dead cats. Yeah, yeah. That's unsettled a little bit. That's unsettled her, she's a bit new. Yes, I'm going to, I'll be a little bit like treading on eggshells, when Bluebell's around,

obviously I'm not quite myself. You'll be watching this healthy language. I'll be watching this healthy language, I'll be a bit more respectful than usual, I'll certainly be a bit more respectful towards institutions in general. She's very much a card-carrying, pro-institution cat. Yeah, she's, I always say, what I say about Bluebell is she's a cat with a small C, conservative with a big C. She won't have liked you talking about inventing communism earlier.

No, for example, that very much, yep, our lips are sealed. No more of that kind of chat. They tend to be pretty small state, don't they, cats? Very much small state. Very self-sufficient. Yeah, just get on with it. Pull your socks up, get on with it. Unlike dogs, of course, who are absolutely...

And why can't we pay for a new royal yacht? Yeah. Well, that was very much the subtext in the noises she was making while chewing through her compressed meat biscuits last night. I think if you mainly eat compressed meat biscuits, you're going to have a no-nonsense attitude to certain... Well, also, you know, if you're mainly eating compressed meat biscuits, it's something you've got in common with the royal family.

So you're already going to have that kind of feeling of kinship with those guys, with the Windsors. All stand for the king! We're entering the Regal Zone. Regal Zone. Off with their heads! On with the show. Listen not to the whores and the shopkeepers.

Bring me more advisors. The Regal Zone. Compressed meat biscuits by appointment to Her Majesty the Queen of Itto. Obviously, in the royal household, they have equivalents, don't they? They have the normal biscuits, but a meat version. Yeah. Meat bourbons, meat wine wheels. Meat bourbons.

Rich lamb. Rich lamb biscuits. Custard veals. Custard veals. Which is one with a little love heart in the middle of it. The pate dodger. Obviously, instead of jam, it's pate instead of two biscuit pucks. It's sliced donkey hoof, top and bottom.

And instead of jam in the middle in the shape of a heart, it's the actual heart of a kestrel. Isn't it? A pick called Kestrel Heart. And then Oreos, which are unchanged. Yeah. A lot of people don't know those army that have compressed meat. They don't know that. I've compressed cog, sow. And narwhal. And narwhal matter, isn't it?

It's mainly a mixture of cartilage and lower abdominal shards. I've got two sort of tension points now. One is that my computer might die at any point, and two have got blue blood in the room. You know that old rule of cinema, which is you want to make a scene more exciting? You either put a bomb under the table, or a British short hair on top of a wardrobe. And I've got the latter going on at the moment.

And she's not looking at me. She's on the wardrobe behind me. Can you see her? I can when you're not on the way. Yeah. Oh, yeah. She's turned away from you. I mean, she's ready to take on whoever comes into that door, isn't she? You're well protected at least.

Well, there's scaffolding going up, so I had to whisk her in here because we don't want her exposed to the idea of building work. We never want her to know about that. That's one of the things you can do with pets is protect them from certain... Certain concepts. Ideas. So she believes that everything in your house is kind of organic, like it just...

It grew. It just is. She thinks it's a very, very complicated mushroom. That's what she thinks. It's a kind of fairy tale story of a mushroom that's got rooms and light switches and... You know, hot and cold water, Wi-Fi. It's the eighth day of creation kind of story. Exactly.

Right, time to tell on the beam machine. Let's do it. Let's do it, indeed. So, this week's topic, as sent in by Sarah from Bremen, is maps. Maps. Maps. Ornithology. No.

Shall we try again? Entomology. No. Astrophysics. Dance. Breaststroke. Reverse parking. It's none of these things.

It's none of these things. It's cartology, you fools. Come on. Oh, yeah. Maps, eh? I think I'd have bloody love to be a kind of ye olde medieval cartographer. I think that would have been a great job. Well, drawing a sea monster in the sea and all that kind of stuff.

Yeah, just disappearing for about three years and coming back with a... Coming back with a picture of sort of modern... What's now modern day Cuba or something and just any old bloody shape will do. Yeah, you could be creative with it, couldn't you? Just, yeah, this is what it looks like. Yeah. Are you sure? Yeah, I'm sure.

Because it looks like this... It looks like the shape of a robin red breast. Yeah, yeah, that's what I saw from... We went and sailed all the way around it. Don't worry about it. And there were lions there. And it was just... It was absolute free-for-all on what a lion's face looked like, wasn't it?

If you go to... You visit like old churches and stuff and the absolute... Is there whatever anything went for what a lion's face actually looked like? Yeah. This sort of mad hamsters. Yeah, someone just got gurned up by a llama somewhere. What do you think of a book that comes with a map in the beginning? And it looks like Britain, but they've made up town names and counties.

Alar, Thomas Hardy. I don't mind it. I love it. Yeah. There's something about that that is absolutely catnip to me as a reader. Is that because he... What's he done there? He's created sort of...

He's created like a sort of parallel version of the West Country. So... But instead of the place being called Exeter, it's called Bedminster or something. But that is a real place. But... It's a little... Bubble Coom or something like that. Yeah, exactly.

Porchester. Things like that. Which is a real place. Oh, fine. Ben can't imagine... Can't make up. My imagination is so poor. Can't make up.

Imaginary places, which is why he would... I think, Ben, you'd say you would write the worst fantasy novel ever written if you had to write a fantasy novel. And lo, they walked for 20 days and arrived at Luton. There's something so weird about, I think, about British town names. And I can't look out if it's something inherent to them or to the fact that we know them and live here. But with American town names, every town name could be an amazing song, like...

Jacksonville. Exactly. We're going to Nashville. America. America. America. America. I'd like two tickets for the Chattanooga Choo Choo.

America. America. Get me the D.A. A slice of old mama's apple pie down the animal in New York City. No one's ever going to listen to this crazy new music you're making, Mr. Presley. Burgers. Yeah, and they often mention, especially country songs, they often mention specific places. Exactly.

Midnight train to Georgia. Yeah. Fort Worth. Very nice. She's my New Orleans girl. Yeah, and it's loads of, I'm in a New York state of mind. Checking a new, checking a new in front of it helps a bit, doesn't it? You know, York's not quite the same.

New York. Jersey's not quite the same. I think they should have chucked one in front of Birmingham, Birmingham, Alabama. That could do with a new, definitely. In fact, if anyone is listening from Birmingham, Alabama, Birmingham, Alabama. Birmingham, Alabama. So you're saying... I'm saying that in how many American town names are cool, and British town names cannot

go in a song. Welcome to Bracknell. We're going tonight to Bracknell. I'm in a Bracknell state of mind. I'm going to kiss you more on the streets of... Heragut. Luton lady. Oh, Luton lady.

And I'm your banstable man. I met her in a commuter town. They call it Luton. But is it really a commuter town? When you could argue that it's a market town, it's a market town. But it's got an airport. It's called London Luton. Despite the fact it's not in London.

It's very disappointing for people who arrive from other countries. They're not in London at all, but they're in Bedfordshire. They're quite a long way away. And when you book a holiday starting from London, and the best deal on the flight is from Luton Airport, it kind of takes the kind of gloss off the holiday. The start is going to be from Luton, which is kind of grim. And you've got to get a train to Luton, and then get the bus from the train station to the airport.

And the whole point of the holiday is to make you feel like you're escaping the mundanity of life. But going to Luton is actually even more mundane than your actual lives. Why the fuck are you paying so much money to go to fucking Luton? You're trying to have a good time. I don't want to go to Luton at all. Fuck it, we're not going. Fucking hate Luton.

Damn you, Luton. We've got so many places that are so aggressively mediocre sounding, haven't we? Yeah. But I'm wondering whether maybe two Americans, they hear us singing about Luton and they think, oh, that sounds cool. And you know what sometimes happens is, I've had this before, have you had this? When you talk to someone in America, you meet someone in America. They tell you they've got this plan coming up.

They go, oh, yes, great, I've got a job, a summer job. I'm going to be visiting the UK next year. I can't wait. Oh, that sounds brilliant. Where are you going to be going? And you're, oh, it's amazing. I'm going to this place called Luton. Apparently it's amazing and it's like a beautiful fairy tale place.

Really plugged into the road network. Yeah, it's so. The access to the major A roads is apparently unparalleled. There's a major Vauxhall factory really nearby that you can go and visit. I don't know if there are some visitors or not. I don't mean to question your diversity of what you're saying, Henry, but have you actually ever met anyone who's excited about their trip to Luton in America? Is that?

Blue Bull is in the room, so I'm going to say yes, I have. I have done that. I don't lie. I do live in a massive, complicated mushroom. Scaffolding isn't real. Compressed meat biscuits are not a disturbing idea. And you meet a lot of college-aged Americans who are about to go on sabbatical to Luton. Is it a point which is you'll often meet an American who describes their trip to you

and they've included somewhere where they just shouldn't go. Is that what you mean? Oh, you're only going to pin me down, aren't you? No, I think I have had a conversation where you've got the opportunity to take the gloss off something and you leave the gloss on because you don't want to degloss them. You don't want to degloss their ideas about where they're actually going. And you might not really be in a position to degloss.

You might yourself have never been to Dudley, for example. You might not know. But I'll have a stack of toxic preconceptions, Mike. Of course. That's the Londoner's way. Please don't question my ruck sack of mental bile that I can easily spread out. Any location is in London in a very, very casual way. She's my Bamburri girl.

Bamburri girl. Bamburri woman. My witchy Bamburri woman. You can't pedestrianise her heart. Three-two-hour parking behind the pharmacy. Oh, Bamburri woman. You treat me so hard. Bamburri woman.

It's a Sunday, but I still can't park free. None of the shops are open until mid-day. Close early. My Bamburri woman. I don't think it's American place names. Sometimes they will be a Bamburri in America, right? But it'll sound cool because it'll be Bamburri. It'll tag the state.

Illinois. Alabama. And then suddenly it's cool. But you know, here's the thing about it. It's all perception, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, hello. Hello.

Welcome to the perception zone. We hope you enjoy listening to or perceiving what he has to say. Because when you think about it, right? There's nothing inherently unglamorous about or depressing about that. Luton, yes. About the word luton. Except for... Actually, there is, isn't there?

You're right. It just... Luton. Loo. It's got the word loo. There's something about the fact that you've got three... You've got three consonants and you've got two vowels. It's sort of symmetrical in terms of vowel and consonants.

There's something about it. Luton. It doesn't go anywhere. Luton. You know what I mean? The loo makes a promise, but the ton doesn't keep it. If tonight, darling, we dine in the boulevards of luton. If it was lutopia on the chande luton.

Here's the thing, right? In America, the street names in American cities, or in New York, but others as well, it's just... Are they just numbers or James Madison? It's numbers. It's numbers or James Madison. But that's the thing, even the numbers, which is you can't have a less sort of evocative and poetic thing than a series of numbers. And yet, to us, it sounds like to me, when I'm in America, if somebody says,

yeah, I'll see you on 57th and 103rd, I practically weep. 50th and down. What do you mean? I love that. I love that. What do you mean? It's so romantic. How?

What do you mean? I love that. I love it. But it's just a grid system. It's the most unpoetic sort of mechanical, mathematical way of dividing up space is a grid. And I'll see you outside number 47, Polkington Wankers Street. Yeah. Exactly.

Which is what we do. In the old town. Yeah. I'll see you just opposite Nibbler's Lodge. Next to the old gnarled lady. Whereas there, it's like 409th and 62nd. You're right. If Luton was like that, we'd be like, what a barbaric place that they can't even come

up with names in the streets. 47B St Crispin's Turd. I do find a lot of British street names quite cringy, actually. And English sort of countryside villages are always called something like Ham Pocklington. Sometimes, right? When you're on a small train. So Britain is divided up into major urban centers where you take a train, you take a train to those and that train will have a buffet car on it.

Maybe a few plug sockets. It might even have a USB socket. Every couple of carriages. That takes you to your slightly bigger urban centers. Then from there, like capillaries, like capillaries spreading across a United Kingdom shaped person. The smaller trains, you get on the smaller train, the little rickety ones, right? And those are the ones where the town names that you go through become so eccentric. It's almost annoying.

It's like, what? What? They're so weird. In certain parts of the UK as well, like Somerset, for example, it's absolutely absurd. It's too much sometimes. It's like... Pidley-Widley. Pidley-Widley.

Yeah. Middlish-Widley. Yeah. Pidley-Wodley. Wodley-Podley. Yeah. Come on, mate. You're saying that again.

God's sake. Come on. St. Podley as well. Whisp on sea on white. And then they'll start getting quite abstract and it'll be Nibbleton. Flaunch. Now approaching Fandando. Poodlington.

Nasdok. Wabblefrak. St. Snadges. Chungton. Little Chungton. Fnoyd. Pidley. Noop.

And finally, finishing out. Oop. Nah. But, yeah, like compared to America, what I like about there is it'll just be called something like Turkey Town, Copper Mountain, Beaver Lodge. Yeah. There's a lot of stuff. Stuff you can see with your eyes.

Well, it's basically an ad for the town, isn't it? It's like what they're selling. Yeah. What I never like is that there's a road between I think Lancashire and Yorkshire. There's called something like the Snake Pass. And you're like, come on. You can't know. That doesn't suit it at all.

Come on. This is the UK. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Don't try and be all... No. Put that in the Appalachians or something. That's absolutely fine by all means.

Here it goes. Snake Pass is a hill pass in the Derbyshire section of the Peak District. No. It's a Glossop and Lady Bower Reservoir in Asherpton. There you go. Classic Glossop. Come on. Where an adult was once seen in 1842.

And it turned out just to be a piece of corduroy. A single filament of corduroy. I sometimes get a thing that... Do you ever get this? I can't remember if I've talked about this before. When you see American tourists coming around and you think, oh, they must be bloody loving this. They're actually in quite a cute, like, old pub or something.

Oh, yeah. Bloody hell, do you know that? Yeah. What's going on? That's... I think Bluebelt... She's detected a presence of some sort. She's not agreeing with the content.

I think she thinks that we've been belittling Britain a bit. Oh, I see. This is the kind of content she... And I think she thinks we were about to belittle American tourists. Exactly. Because she values two things above all else. Britain. America.

And a strong relationship with the United States. Those are the two sort of foundation stones of her life. That and compress meat biscuits. Yeah, but she still thinks that George III is officially the monarch. The rightful monarch of the United States. And we're not going to correct her on that, Mike. Which is why we've got portraits of George III around the... Inside your giant mushroom.

Inside the giant mushroom. We've got those around the flat. And we sometimes talk loudly about how well we feel the colonial wars are going over there. And that... Luckily we've seen off the French. And everyone over there is fully on board now. Yeah. We talk about that loudly in front of Bluebelt.

I think I'm just going to go and deal with that. Bluebelt? Bluebelt? No, don't worry, Bluebelt. No one's getting press ganged to go and defend the empire over in America. Don't worry, Bluebelt. I'll keep going. Yeah, she has a fear of being press ganged to go and fight in the colonial wars.

That's nice. You put her little fuselier hat on her and send her on away. She was quite happy, wasn't she? A little toy musket in her mouth. Get her old Bluebelt. Long live the king! Okay, time to read your emails. Brian emails.

He writes, Hello Beans. Have you considered doing a live show in Bremen? I'm sure there's a theatre big enough to hold your thousands of listeners. Kind regards. Brian, we'll get in touch with the Bergmeisters. See what they say. See if their local Roman amphitheatre can be... Re-commissioned.

I wonder if we genuinely did a live show in Bremen. How many people would come? I know, I was thinking. I think we'd three. I think three, but that's including... Just the guys there to lock up. Yeah, and St John's Ambulance would be one of them. Well, I think did the Bremen thing hold us sort of snowball from just one listener, didn't it?

In Bremen. I think there must have been somebody from Bremen. I think we do have a listener in Bremen. Yeah. But they might be on holiday. We don't know. They might be on holiday. Or just quite busy with work.

Or just not fancy it, Mike. You've just gone off it. Just gone off it. There's no reason. Yeah, gone off it. Or just think, well, I quite like them. Living Bremen doesn't mean I have to go and see the live show. I quite like it as a podcast.

I don't really see the point of it. Yeah. I'm doing it live. I quite like Bruce Springsteen. I've never gone to or thought of going to Bruce Springsteen gig. Despite the fact he must have done probably hundreds of them in London since I've been alive. I've never even considered going to see one. There's no reason why she'd come and actually see us.

I don't know how useful the idea of you talking down and coming to a three-been salad live show is. Yeah. Just as a general. Yeah. That's a good general point, isn't it? I shouldn't do that. I'd look forward.

One of the reasons I would like to do that gig in Bremen would be to actually finally find out what country Bremen's actually in. I've been to Bremen. I'm confident it's either Germany or Holland. When were you in Bremen? In Germany. When I was a student, I wanted to go on holiday and they were doing one P flights to Bremen. Wow.

Crazy times. Because Bremen's the kind of place where airlines go there because it's got the largest conference centre in Europe. Nice. Wow. Which is known as the Messer. Yeah. And when we were there, Europe's largest erotic convention was on.

Wow. Two credible reasons to go, isn't it? Yeah. We didn't know the erotic convention was going to be on. No. But also, for you, it was like every... That's a tautology, wasn't it? Because for you, every conference centre is an erotic conference centre, isn't it?

Every conference is an erotic conference. So for you, it was already... You weren't sure if that was a spelling mistake or a sort of mistake when they were saying it, describing it as an erotic. Finally, other people find conference centres inherently erotic. Finally. Yeah, it was great. And there is some kind of...

When you get there, you know when you go somewhere and they claim that something's famous about the place, but you've only realised that when you're there. So they were always going, oh, of course, the famous statue of the shoemakers of Bremen is some kind of... There's some kind of Hans Christian... Yeah, there'll be a thing which is huge, but you don't know about it. And it's like a statue of a donkey with a dog standing on its back or something. Yeah.

Yeah, everywhere's got something, hasn't it? Which is like Florence has got like a statue of a hog and you rub its nose and everybody rubs its nose, of course. Yeah. And you have to go, yeah, of course, yeah, everybody rubs it. And sure enough, within sort of three hours of hearing that, you will be rubbing its nose. Or rubbing something's nose. Yeah.

Yeah. In Verona, it's a brass statue of Juliet and you have to rub her tit. Oh, yes. Is that true? Yeah. The mannequin piss. You have that? The mannequin piss.

The mannequin piss is in Brussels. Oh, yeah. They're always going to say Brussels. It's the little pissing boy, isn't it? Is it called the mannequin piss? It's called the toddler pissing. It's called the mannequin piss. It's called the mannequin piss.

Yeah. Also, Lutentown Centre has quite a moving brass statue of a decent, he had a pack called Home Printer. Yeah. Isn't it? It is beautifully done. They've done it. It's very realistic.

Yeah. You rub its cancel button. You rub its cancel button and nothing happens. And the myth goes with it, which is if you do that, nothing will happen. That's right. That's right. Because it's Lutent. Don't do it.

Something will. Exactly. Yeah. And it's beautiful that we've got the cables coming off it. They've rendered the cables, haven't they? Beautifully in brass. Yeah. And there's even a sort of spare cable that is just sort of lying there.

Coiled up. Knows what to do with. Yeah. But is worried about throwing away. Is there a statue in your town that you're meant to rub for some reason? Let us know. Okay. So, Dustin emails.

This is in response to us talking a while ago about the Americanism Yol. Ah, yeah. Which I have taken into my vocabulary. He says, Beans, I wish you to be aware of the American expression, yain't. This is an abbreviation of Yol ain't, which is itself two abbreviations originating from you all are not. For example, yain't allowed to park here. Marvel now at the American ability to abbreviate four words to merely five letters.

That's a good point. That's very good. That is impressive. Apostrophe's left, right and bloody centre. Yain't allowed to park here, did he say? Oh, I really like that. Thank you, Dustin. Is you is or is you?

Is you is or is you? Is your brain okay, Mike? Is you is or is you ain't my baby? Yeah. That's where I was going. What's that? This is a you that is you is or is you in my baby? My bamburig woman.

Is you is or is you ain't from bamburig? That can't be that. Because that's you ain't. That's not yain't. Yain't is much more compressed. Well, thanks, Dustin. I'm going to deploy that ASAP. I can't think of any of single sentence.

I'd be able to say yain't him. But I'm very, I'm very rarely talking to more than one person. A live gig. Yain't getting your money back. Yain't. We've come all the way to Bremen just because there's only one of you in the audience. We're doing the gig. It's cost us 450 pounds each to do this.

Apart from Ben, who managed to do it for one P. It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon.com. Now, you might not know or you might know that with these episodes, we hold some back. We hold some back. And the stuff we hold back goes on the Patreon. And the only way you can listen to it is by signing up at patreon.com. There are various tiers you can sign up for.

Have a look on the website. But if you join the Sean Bean tier, you get access to the Sean Bean lounge where Mike was last night. It was very exciting last night. Really? What was going on? What was going on? I don't normally watch much wrestling, but it was WrestleMania last night. And there was a spectacular battle royale.

What? Wow. And I believe, Mike, you've witnessed a little report. You betcha. Wrestling was last night's special at the Sean Bean lounge, which hosted its biggest ever multi-competitor battle royale. Chrissy Hallwarder wasted no time with a back-to-backy pile driver on James Fuchs, whose gut-wrench powerbomb on film markets interrupted his inverted leg-drop bulldog

on San Pelebrino, whose doomsday bacon slice on Monica Jackson became unstable, causing the whole lot of them to body avalanche Elliot Butcher. Laura McMillan spaced tornadoed Ryan McLeod before being hula-hoop tomb-stommed by Stephanie O'Kane. Gareth Leonard found himself on the wrong end of an Anaconda's Bad Garden Party by Sarah Norris, and Stuart attempted to fish hook Chinlok on Simon Sweet, but found himself fish pie-chunked by Dennis Groves. Meanwhile, Adam Kaye, with a move usually only seen in arenas,

a 60-foot retractable gilded ladder, and executed a fireman's whoops on Joe Moon, Rod Begbie, and Simon Logan. Emma Redman's overly long hug wasn't enough to stop Katherine King's aerial cockscrew Jackmife elbow-drop, but King had no time to celebrate before the tag team of Sally and Matt McLaughlin hit her with a clothesline, rebound clothesline, springboard clothesline, and broken clothespeak combo before themselves being wish-boned by Diane Carver. Anook van der Slaus deployed a Mexican surfboard over easy to take down Matt Barnes,

who was in the middle of giving a piggyback to Jim Burtonwood, whose toilet-roll holder had only just prevented Lizard Jackson from doling out a stodgy lasagna with second helping to Comey Yama and Dan Ellsworth. Not-so-old Greg Half-Nelson headbutted that idiot Chris, who poleaxed into the Peruvian wheelbarrow Sarah O'Grady was making out of Justin Boone and Jeremy Rubin. And special mention goes to Katie Nicole Rainer, who succeeded in executing a rarely seen origami suplex on Alex Crude and Alex Shields and James Scott,

who, as they were paper aeroplane down of the ring, must have regretted trying a contralateral tilt-a-well gut scooper with only a three-person team. Justin Rowley thought he'd seized victory when he armpit maypole Adam Bridge, Tom Smith and James Mercer, but, having failed to tie his shoelaces properly, managed to step over Armlock Camel Clutch himself and was hospitalised. Needless to say, the last man standing was Sean Bean, the only competitor with the presence of mind to fight on horseback. Okay, let's work out who's version of our theme tune is going to play us out.

Henry, give me a number between one and ten. One. Okay. I think we've used that one. I've really... I'll just do this one. Okay. Okay.

Oh, the magic. We're behind the wizard's curtain. This is from Matthew. This is from Matthew from Oxford. Place of my birth. He writes, Dearest Beans, highlight of my three-beam sound experience. This is the weekly listener interpretation of your theme tune.

That's the highlight of listening to this show. Is that? Okay. That's what Matthew thinks. Well, the really good music that people have spent hours working on and developing rather than you just sort of prattling on. Just prattling on? Strange, isn't it?

However, I've been disappointed at the lack of anyone using an otamatone. What do you mean? It's a nanogram of tomato. Carry on. So you place a reed in a ripe tomato. He says, Having spent six years learning to play the otamatone at the Royal Academy of Music,

I felt it was my duty to interpret your theme in this most delicate and mournful of instruments. So that sounds to me like it's a beef tomato, then. It's going to be a big... It's going to be a big... It's got some of the lower range. Yeah, it's going to be one of the sort of Italian... A baleful cry.

Not the sweet pickle on tomato. The cherry tomatoes are much higher range, aren't they? In the tomato orchestra, those are the... Salad tomatoes are kind of mid-range, alto, that kind of thing. Exactly. And then there's, of course, the contra-beef tomato. Yes. He says,

I appreciate that this may be considered a little too high-brow for most, but I hope you all agree that there is an aching beauty and sweeping sadness to this version. Okay. Thank you. That's good. And I've looked up what an otamatone is, and it's very hard to describe.

So... Yeah. Oh. Have you just looked it up, mate? I've just looked it up. What the heck? Okay. Okay.

Okay. Well, I think we'd best hear this, then. Yeah. I think I'm even more excited than I was before. I think I'm going to own one of those by the end of the day. Great. Well, yeah, we'll play it with that. Thank you for sounding that in Matthew.

Thank you, Matthew. Thanks, Matthew. And thanks for listening, everyone. Thanks all. Bye. And one and two and one, two, three, four. Okay. This next song is about the time I found myself in

a little town called Banbury in Oxfordshire. Oh, you know it, huh? This one's called Banbury Woman. Banbury Woman going to Didcot tonight. We're going to Bester. We're going to Swindon tonight. Okay. I've got a little surprise for you guys.

He ain't gonna believe it. Please welcome my good friend, Robert Plant. Oh, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby. Oh, welcome, baby. Come on, slushies. Be a little bit of Oliver.