Three Bean Salad - Mountains

Episode Date: April 13, 2022

At the behest of Immanuel of Bremen, this week’s subject is mountains. The intrepid beans nearly perish in a conversational crevasse early doors, but can they get back on track and make it to the summit of Mount Chat?Get in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpodJoin our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansalad

And what's been going on? All the power went off from my house and had to go to the fuse box. That's incredible, isn't it? That's happened. I know. As was foretold last week, literally at the moment of recording, it's unbelievable. When you were off and had disappeared, Ben, Henry said that you were becoming a man in front of our very eyes.

I was moved to tears. I'm recovered now. It's just such a... Yeah. Mike was weeping, openly weeping. You're also rocking a beautiful moustache today, Benjamin. I do have a moustache. I am...

Let's see. God, you're changing. It's incredible. I've never seen it so fast. We all know this is what happens when you become a man. You've also got the most wonderful V-shaped torso all of a sudden. Yes, you really do the broad sort of sailor's shoulders. I've got the legs and thorax of a horse.

You've looked like you've got the musculature of a man who could carry heavy, heavy ropes, Maritime ropes, and toss them round his head and hurl them up from the shaft to the bow and back again. The barnacled ropes. The barnacled ropes. The barnacled ropes. Incredible. Because basically all the power went off of my house because I think of a hot cross

bun in the toaster. Oh, yeah. We know what you mean by that. Saying it more. Yeah. Being there. Yeah. We know what you're talking about.

Yeah. I suppose the old raisins sizzling away against the old filament, was it? So to speak. Oh, that creates quite a smell, doesn't it, in the kitchen. Yeah. As the actress said to the bishop. I suppose also because it's quite a greased bread, isn't it, in a hot cross bun. It's a greased...

It's kind of glazed, I'd say. Is that what you're getting at? It's got a glazed... It's got a glazed quality. It's a nicer term, isn't it? Glazed than greased. But I'd say on the inside, the texture of it is quite dense with... It's dense with meaning.

That's what it is. It's heavy with symbolism. Yeah. We're not arguing about that. But there's a kind of... You know, you could sculpt with it, couldn't you? If you took the inside of the hot cross bun and pushed it, it would stay. It wouldn't bounce back, like a loaf of, say, Warperton's bread.

Hey, come on. You could sculpt with anything, Henry. Trained asses. Yeah. I was in charge. I was fishing for that. Yeah. Absolutely fishing.

And I've caught a good one. Thank you. Hot cross buns, to me, feel like the kind of thing that they might not have in other countries, but I've got no idea. I expect we've probably tried to impose them on other nations over the last few hundred years. Hot cross buns, to me, are a classic UK sort of bun. Yeah. Or bun slash bread slash cake slash treat, let's say.

They're a classic UK baked treat, in the sense that the UK has all of these baked treats, right? And they're basically... You know, you go to say, I don't know, Leeds, and they'll say, Have you had a tasty Leeds surprise? And they go, I've never had a tasty Leeds surprise. But it's just a bread roll. It's a bread roll with some raisins in it. That's all we...

Everything is the same. Because it's Welsh cakes. Oh, have you tried a Welsh cake? Oh, it'll take your breath away. Imagine bread with some raisins in. Yeah. Same as a... Same as a...

Same with hot cross buns, sadans and eckles cake, isn't it? It's an eckles cake. It's normally raised in a bit of extra lard somewhere in the mix. Sometimes the lard levels will vary amongst between these things. Obviously, there'll be a certain lard graph you could draw. And the amount of... Just the amount of sugar. That's about it.

Apart from that. I think you're absolutely right, Henry. Yeah, I am right. I'm onto something, aren't I? You absolutely are. Do you have some other ones? Do you know any other ones? There's your teacakes, your scones.

So, what's a teacake? A teacake is. In the back of the woods. Is that raisins? Yeah, I mean, they might have raisins in. Of course, they will. Honestly, if you're asking the question, they will. Or if you don't chuck the word fruit in front of it, if that happens.

Yeah. Which means raisins. Which means raisins. Which means raisins. The Darlington Fat Fist. The Leicester Suit Eclair. That's boiled. That's a boiled bun with raisins in it.

That's a boiled bun served with meat, isn't it? That's right. It could be served with or without meat. That was pathetic for all of us. A Lincoln Churrell bow? No, no. too late. And also not a very good one. I think we're leaving this in the edit, by the way. We have to learn from this. We're laying bare the process.

This is the ultimate pompadou. The ultimate pompadou. Do you think? Sometimes is when you look down a tube and there's nothing in it. And now it's time for pompadou section. Pompadou. We've got a bit of banjex there, but that's okay. Ben's had a traumatic start to the day. Yes. So Ben, tell us what happened with the end. I touched the fuse box. Basically, the hot cross buns went in. No, let's rewind. We're on the WhatsApp to each other. We haven't started on time. Yeah. And what happens is, we're meant to start at 10.

Normally what happens is, is about 10 plus 10, 10 year old go 10, 15. I know that means we'll start at about 10, 35. Yeah. And it's a wonderful little dance that we play with each other now. No one loses face. It's understood how the rules of the dance work. And almost by talking about it now, we might destroy this. Well, that's the thing. We don't want to ruin it because it works extremely well as a system. We've never met at 10 ever. So we always say we'll meet at 10. Yes, we'll meet at 10. And it's crucial that we don't start to mess around with that part of the process.

If we say actually how about 1030, then, you know, we're in big trouble. Yeah. Because at 10 o'clock, I was seven miles away in a car. Yeah. So that is pushing it. That is starting to push it a bit. That's pushing it in the Henry style. You, Henry, were in a glorious London park, as usual. It's about constriction and freedom, isn't it? You need to feel constricted by the deadline. But what you need is a little bit of give. It's like the perfect pair of trousers.

They're contained around the midriff and crotch. A natty pleat at the top. A natty pleat. Bulging pockets. Bulging pockets. Full of everything you need for the day. Your laptop. You laptop your keys.

Three square meals. And a Brompton. So we say 10, but we know it means 1030. The trouble is, once you start to know it means 1030, 1030 becomes the new constriction point. Well, that's maybe what happened today, because I got in touch early last night, saying I'm not going to be able to do 10 o'clock. Let's push it.

And then actually we didn't start until about 11. Yeah. I do start at 10. Now, I know, Henry, I know when Mike's, Mike's, Mike sits there like a, like an upright little hound waiting for his treats. I sit there. I commune with some of my innermost regrets. It's my favorite part of the day. It's peaceful. You'll replay some lunches that you made an absolute pig's ear of, won't you?

And you'll sort of replay them in your head and just tweak certain details and say, could you, what could you have done better? In my horsehair trousers. Yeah. And then it gets to about half past and I take them off and I'm ready to go. But today, so what happens is in the little dance, Henry's in a London park drinking a coffee normally. He'll say, what about quarter past?

I know that means not really a bit later. Then I'll get to about 20 past and I won't have eaten anything yet in the day. And I know that that's complete recipe for disaster. So I will say, I'm going to get a drink because that seems kind of acceptable pre-podcast recording. What that actually means is I'm going to make some toast. On this occasion, you upgraded that from toast, didn't you? Well, because we were in a religious part of the calendar.

So each toast would be to be eating Satan's very wafers. So to give due deference to the Church of England, I popped the hot cross buns into the toaster. And I don't know what it was if God was involved, but I pressed it down all of the electrics and the entire house disappeared. It sounds like you've probably got a sort of malevolence spirit in your fuse box, doesn't it? Probably thought it was trying to be exercised. They did mention the estate agent did mention that.

I think, Ben, what's happened is you, your source of... Mike and I have been through all this stuff, right? So don't epatronise you. You're sort of almost doing things in the wrong order a bit. It's a lovely phase. I remember this phase, it's a lovely phase. And it is lovely to see because you're on top of things like the fuse box, but actually sometimes you haven't still got your head around certain basic things like

what you can put in the toaster or not, do you know what I mean? Right. So for example, you can't put a grease-heavy, raisened British UK treat bakery baked good into a toaster... Wait, into a postman. But I think you're on top of that already. I've learned that lesson. Because the grease is going to seep out, it's going to cause problems.

The other thing is, I'm guessing you haven't yet got onto compressing things. It's flattening and compressing things to make them more of a flat oblong shape. Daffodils, animal hides, chicken fillets. It's about really turning things into shapes and sizes that you could put into an envelope and post to someone, I do. But I'm posting it to toasted. Exactly. And that's what the postbox is in a way, isn't it?

I mean, sorry, that's what a toaster is in a way, isn't it? It's got two slots. You post bread to yourself. Have you got to pop it to the post office, later on, Henry? It feels like there's something that feels a little bit like there's something on your mind that keeps creeping in. Anyway, yes. Sorry, I keep on interrupting.

Sorry, Ben. Tell us what happened. I think he has a few times, hasn't he? The electrics went. You put the crossbar in this host. The electrics went. Yes. I made my way to the fuse box and I knew it was a big moment.

So I changed into a suit and tie. Well done. Put on your ceremonial sword. And then wellies, of course, because I was touching pure electricity. And as I flicked the little switch, the moustache just grew. Yeah, that's what happens when the first one comes. And here I am, and you're lucky it grew in the right place as well. Have you checked your body because you may have two or three other moustaches on you?

What a happy day. Yeah. And so you pressed the thing and it came back on. Amazing. Oh, what a story. It's absolutely fantastic. Um, what's been going on in your life, Michael? Um, what has been going on in my life?

I had a bit of a scare the other day. Oh, I hold, um, Pam. Huh. Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Good girl, Ben. Good girl, Ben. Oh, Ben. Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, No, no, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam. She, she nicked, she nicked half a curly whirly off one of my daughters.

A whirly? She nicked, she nipped the whirly. She nipped the whirly? The daughter's already eaten the curly. She nipped the whirly. Yeah, she, your daughter eats them left and right. Exactly. Yeah.

Which as we all know is, is, is a chocolate trait. And chocolate is of course poisonous to dogs. Yeah. And I, how is it? Yeah. I mean, it's one of the first things you learn as a, as a dog owner. Chocolate. Don't give them a curly whirly.

And I, and I absolutely panicked. My wife wasn't in at the time and, uh, and I, I don't think I covered myself in glory, necessarily, but I, I mean, I, it was quite late. So I, I caught, I called the emergency vet immediately. Right. I think probably terrified my daughters while I was doing this. Who just assumed that Pound was just going to drop dead. Oh lordy.

And I got through to, Did you try the Heimlich Maneuver? I got through. I got through to the, the vet who is obviously quite, quite busy and also, uh, entirely untroubled by the idea of a medium sized dog eating half a curly whirly. The chocolate content of which is, is negligible, I think. It's kind of like, you know, they talk about like, um, when they try and create new, what's that stuff that's like one molecule thick?

Like a sort of nanofilm. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And it's super strong. And it's going to be the future of British industry. Okay. And they're going to make planes out of it. Yeah.

It's that, but chocolate. Yes. But that's based on the coating of a curly whirly. Exactly. Yeah. The amount of chocolate on a curly whirly is so negligible. Yeah. The poor woman was obviously, I mean, she couldn't just tell me to nap off.

So she, she, she did want to, to deal with me. And she dealt with me very expertly. And I, she, she said, okay. Okay. Tell, tell me, okay, what's the estimated weight of the dog? Okay. Fine. And you're saying it's a curly whirly.

Okay. And, and what portion of it? You were seeing that she's flicking through a massive chart looking for curly whirly. What proportion of the curly whirly? Okay. Fine. So just the whirly, it's about a half. Okay.

Fine. I'm just going to, and then she said, and this is the moment when all of the panic just ease out of my body. She said, okay, I'm just going to enter that into the chocolate canine poisoning calculator. And there was a bit of a noise back in the phone. And she go, but this is a real point. Yeah. That's, don't worry about that.

That's a negligible amount of chocolate and it should be absolutely fine. Doesn't need to come in. Don't need to make a stick or anything. That's absolutely fine. All right. All the best. Take care. And I was just completely thrilled.

Told the girls and we punched the air and we celebrated and we carried on with our movie. And it was only the next day that I worked out that there was a possibility that there is no such thing as the chocolate canine poisoning calculator. Yeah. A chance of that being in her bag. Yeah. Ready to go. Yeah.

I was so slim. But she knew. And the idea of her kicking in the word curly-wurly into some kind of machine. She knew she couldn't just tell me it'll probably be fine. She needed, she knew that I needed some sort of data point. She could tell what you were like as well. Yeah. Because that's what you need.

She got the read off me straight away down the blower. Didn't she also say, Anna, I'm also now just transmogrifying you the invisible health hat. She did. She did when Pam wore overnight in case because I was saying I'll stay up all night and I'll watch it. She said, you should be able to, you can go to sleep because I'll send it. I'm transmogrifying the invisible health hat right now. Can you look at your dog now?

Can you see the hat? No. It's perfect. Then that means it's arrived. And I'm now going to send you a very real invoice. That needs to be paid within 14 days. Yeah. Well, I'm glad Pam is in rude health.

She's in rude health. And yeah, I think I was played, but I was so happy to be played. I've never been happy to be played in all my life. So do you think if you take and Pam actually into the vet, face to face, would she have gone behind a screen maybe instead of just going to sort of made noises like... Yes. Maybe she'd have got sort of a remote control from the old sort of digital radio and gone... I don't know what she would have done exactly, but...

I think in a busy emergency vet, it'd be very different atmosphere. I think we'd be like, oh, we've got a two-on-five and a nine-four. I'd get x-chu and he'd bludz, bludz, bludz. They'll be like, just dogs on trolleys going left and right. Or dogs being abandoned by other dogs at the sort of the surgery entrance with gum shot wounds and racing off in the car. Yeah. All that stuff going on.

We need a tail transplant. We need a tail transplant in four-nine now. Now. Now, people. That kind of thing. Do dogs ever dreddle in? I don't know. Put it in anyway.

Can cats eat chocolate? I don't. Well, for one thing, I mean, if that happened to me, that as a Londoner, what's happened to Mike there, my main thing would I'd be absolutely modified that how low the chocolate content was in. Well, it's not just the chocolate content. It's the cocoa percentage within the chocolate. Exactly.

Be even more horrifying for a West Londoner. As a Londoner, that... Because here it would be, you know, what kind of chocolate was it, Mr. Packer? And I'd have to say it was 90 percent. It was Montesuma 90 percent fair trade. At which point your dog would have to be completely purged. Yeah. Well, they have to redog it from the inside.

That's because we completely redogged. They'd have to dog transplant it. They'd have to transplant it. Even though it's a cat. It'd be that extreme. They believe cats are obligate carnivores. They only eat meat. It's their obligation.

Yeah. It's their obligation to try and rid the world of all other animals. They're all gradually trying to achieve cats. It's weird, isn't it? On one level, dogs are more intelligent and that you can train them. They can become police dogs and anti-drugs dogs and... Pro-drugs dogs. They can become pro-drugs or they can become pro-legalization dogs.

They can become dogs that believe that... We need to treat it more like a medical issue than a crime. Exactly. So certain drugs should be able to be on these dogs. Yeah. These are great dogs. There's full-on Colombian... Sort of narco dogs.

Narco dogs. In a mansion, in a jungle. Sicario chihuahuas. They're absolutely vicious, those ones. Yeah. On that level, they're more intelligent. But on the other hand, that Sicario chihuahua, if you just left a pack of chocolate boasters in front of him,

knowing full well that would kill him, he'd just eat all of them. Anyway, it's a question to take down. Whereas cats are more selective. They sort of seem to know what's bad for them. I'll do a blue bell jingle. It has been... Oh, please do. He has been pointed out that that's missing.

Yeah, we definitely do a blue bell jingle. I didn't want to say because there's been a palm jingle for a while. So it's been sort of... It's been niggling. It's been a little bit of... It's been a little niggling a little bit. But as long as when we do finally record the last podcast, you will retrospectively make sure that Bluebell's had at least as many

renditions of her bluebell as Pam has, then it's any problem. Everyone just relax, have a good time. Well, maybe Bluebell should start generating a few more anecdotes, Henry. Well, maybe to the fact that Bluebell knows what pseudon what isn't, and has full control of her bowels, relatively. Maybe that's not a bad thing. Sorry, I missed the email. Did I say that was a bad thing?

Sorry. Maybe the fact that I've had Bluebell for quite a lot longer than Mike said, Pam, Bluebell's actually was born during the Cameron administration. The things she's seen. Yeah, maybe she... The coalition or the second Cameron parliament? Either way, she's existed in a completely different Jupiter glera.

She has. Exactly. Pre-Brexit. Mm-hmm. So maybe when Pam has a coherent position on Nick Clegg and the Lib Dems ask you to tuition fees, then she can join Bluebell in conversation about it until then. Until then, I think we'll just have to agree to disagree on who's more important.

Bluebell soft and gentle and wise and kind. Steady paws and silky thighs. There she flies like a furry star. Classic and stylish like a vintage car. You're gonna go far. Bluebell, Bluebell, take me away on a magical trip. Bluebell, Bluebell, to the milky way on your fairy spaceship. Bluebell, I'll feed you meat biscuits upon the moon.

We'll defeat a giant worm like in June. I'll see you there soon. Bluebell leaner and Bluebell armour. Bluebell armour and Bluebell rumour. Blue barata and Blue barata. Blue barata. You'll swipe off the faces of our enemies. You'll toy with the corpses of anyone who defies our galactic rule.

It's cruel to be kind, but mainly to be cruel. Okay, let's turn on the bean machine. Baby, okay. Is that a new hand crank, by the way, Ben? Yes, and it's an ebony hand crank. Yeah, really nice. It's amazing using ebony that was recovered from the Titanic, actually.

Oh, is it? It was the handle of a sort of bat that used to hit the people to get them to stoke faster. Yeah, the stoking cudgel. Is that an original Titanic stoking cudgel? It is. It is. Yeah. It's so nice that that's being reused.

It's lovely. Second life now. And it's got, because it's got some little, I'm just looking, can you hold it up, Ben? Sorry, if you just, obviously don't hurt yourself, but can you, Ben? You'll have to lean to the side a little bit. Just lean to the side. It's like getting the nurses to raise me. Yes, I mean, frankly, they didn't seem to do much.

Well, you're on the hoist anyway, so it shouldn't be too much trouble. Just a flick of a switch. If you just get, oh, there we are. That's lovely. Yeah, so. That's lovely. Oh, that's really nice. Because it's slightly misshapen, isn't it, where it was used to cudgel.

You can see where it's been practically wrapped around someone's head. Well, it's quite a point in a thing, I think, because obviously, when it hit the iceberg, their first thought was, if we really cudgel these guys, we could get to New York in time before we. Yeah, well, that was the thing which went around and said, maybe we just need to cudgel harder, cudgel harder, cudgel harder. And then they tried to cudgel the iceberg itself. Cudgel it.

But it was too late. We built an empire on cuddling. Just keep, we cudgel through it. That's what we do. I was cuddled very, very hard throughout my childhood at St. Cudgel's, the boarding school. Where we all went. St. Cudgel's lapaddle. St. Cudgel's lapaddle.

To me, one thing, if you can't cudgel your way through it, it's because it is the cudgel. Well, the iceberg was in itself a big cudgel. They should have learned lessons, because originally, before they built the Titanic, they tried to get from Southampton to New York by cuddling through the North Atlantic, didn't they? That's right. So they should have known then that the cudgel was fallible.

It's essentially, what the British Empire realized at a point was, the amount of emotional constipation that was created by the boarding school system meant that British people just had a huge amount of energy in them, which came out in one of three ways. Cuddling, barbershop singing, and artifact theft. And artifact theft. Those are the three ways in which British people. Yes, I can never tell my father that I love him,

but on the other hand, I do have this Egyptian hand. Precisely. Yes, my mother hasn't looked at me since I was four years old, but on the other, I'm in a barbershop quintet. And so the only of cuddling is, of course, is an expression of sort of pent-up rage, which creates a piston-like action in the right arm, which produces stoking energy in the person being cuddled,

which he or she then expresses via the piston or sprocket. Piston, sprocket, or a cog. Or a shovel. And all that cuddling energy goes into that, and then that powers essentially, yeah, the British Empire trains, planes, cafes. You say, try to cuddle away across, didn't it? The answer is you say, Mike, and then you've got as far as... I think the Faroe Islands.

It was around about there, wasn't it? They'd already gone too far north at that point. Yeah. They had to come back. They had to cuddle them. Well, they had to reverse cuddle away. Reverse cuddle was very tricky. Yeah.

Don't take a cuddle back. That's the thing. You can't get the cuddle energy back out of the cuddly unless they cuddle you. Well, then you're looking at the perfect cuddle circle, which, of course, is impossible, but... It's a thought experiment, isn't it? It's a thought experiment. British philosophers have wrestled with for many, many centuries.

Yeah. If you've got enough people to cuddle each other in a circle, the cuddler puts cuddle energy into the cuddly, he then becomes very, very angry that they've been cuddled. They put that anger into the cuddling of the next cuddly, and you've got a virtuous circle of cuddle rage, cuddle expression, creating the need for further cuddling off of the cuddle rage that's been instilled by the cuddler who got cuddled by the cuddly.

He was cuddled by the cuddler that you cuddled. Yeah. Until they're all just cuddled into a sort of fine powder. Yeah. So that was cuddles. That was cuddles. Do you assume it was a topic? Thanks to Brendan, for something like that.

Oh, yes, no, it was the hand crank. Yeah, it's lovely, Ben, really nice. Yes, it's been lovingly restored. The barnacles have been shorn off, and yeah, it's looking good. So let's see it in action. If I give that a crank. Please. Okay, so this week's topic, as sent in by Emmanuel from Bremen, is mountains.

It's not bad. I think most people would have to warm up into a yodel like that. Henry, straighten. You've got it right there. I've got your little energy to give. Tip of the back of your throat. Yeah. We don't do mountains very well here, do we?

I mean, even in Wales, Wales has arguably technically got a couple, hasn't it? Yeah, it's true, it's true. But mostly we've just got some quite pretty hills, really. Yeah. Well, yeah, I know what you mean. I think Snowdonia, or to give it its true name, Rery, is a nice place. But I remember, you know, I went there as a kid, and in Scotland they're good, and Lake District's nice, whatever.

But then I remember I went to the Alps when I was 11 or 12 or something, and I was like, ah, fuck, this is... Oh, okay, we really don't actually do mountains that well, do we? This is good. This is the good stuff. This is the business. Because isn't it Snowdon? Snowdon has a... doesn't have like a... essentially an A road going to the top of it,

doesn't it? That's because that all tends to happen to you on a British mountain. With a wild bean cafe halfway up. There'll be several wild bean cafes on the way up, and there'll be like a boots on top. That's what happens in British mountains. You feel quite intrepid, but what you have to do is make sure you don't look to the left and right too much. You just have to go...

You don't see the ribbons. You don't see the ribbons, so you will make a mental note if you do a spot of it. I could do it with a new notebook, actually. I could do a new notebook, but I could pick up a printed cartridge on the way back. Assuming I survive this intrepid mission, then I will pick up some printed cartridges and tell you what though, they... And this isn't the thought you should ever have when you're being a proper explorer or going up a really intrepid mountain.

You should never have the thought, which is... Of course, tell you what, the actual printer cartridge costs almost more than the actual bloody printer. Yeah, if you're having that thought at a summit, that is not a mountain that you can... Shouldn't you be having that thought on a summit? No. A summit from which you can see tens of thousands of branches of ribbons. Well, as far as I can see, that's...

That's why you go to the top of Everest, isn't it? Yeah. Because you can see every ribbons in the world on a clear day. You can see every ribbons in the world. It's the curvature of the earth, isn't it? You can see. And if you've got very good binoculars... Curvy ones?

If you've got very good curvy binoculars, you can see... And this sometimes happens. It's very poignant. You can see, actually, see some of the deals that you're now unlikely to ever be able to profit from because you've spent... You've been doing stuff for a couple of minutes too long now, and you're probably not going to make it down. But you can see that...

Well, we've only had three for two on A4 printer paper, and actually, three milligrams. That's really a decent weight. And then you freeze. Oh, that... Oh, Collie, this really... This is the best time of year to buy Christmas wrapping paper, isn't it? Oh, it's really the binoculars right down. Yeah.

Oh, bloody hell, lever-arch folders, 345. What is a folder at the end of the day? Because, mainly, it's the space in between the folder that you buy. Like, do you know what I mean? Like, the folder's containing space. And they die up there. And they never get to profit from those deals. But, no, it's true that British Mountain...

This is not that intrepid, is it? On the British Mountain. Snowden's got a cafe on top. Does it really? Yeah. Yeah. Right at the top, you mean? Yeah.

Yeah. But then, so does Montblanc. Well, I've been at Montblanc. That's the biggest... I think the biggest mountain in Europe. Well, Montblanc, of course, has a luxury pen shop on the top, doesn't it? Obviously, Dan. Hmm.

Yeah. But with that one, you go up in a cable car and you're all, like, above the clouds, and it feels like you're in this kind of, like, amazing thing. Whereas, the Snowden cafe just feels like a cafe that you could go to. Just anywhere in Britain. And there's a cable car. There's a lift, isn't there? You can get a lift up there.

You can... There's so many different ways to get there. Up Snowden? Yeah. There's a little train. There's a little train. Is there? Yeah.

You know what? I've actually semi-agreed to go on a hiking holiday in a few months' time with some friends from school. And I don't know if I've got it in me to... Well, in the Alps or something. And it's in... Yeah, it's in the Alps. Yeah, it's in France.

You're fucked. And the other thing I don't want to happen is to be the guy who... Because basically, because they're school friends, I've still got that school sense of, you know, you never lose it, that sense of sort of peer pressure. I'll still have that school peer pressure. And they're both fitter than me. So I'm just worried that I'm going to feel the need to keep up with them.

I'm sort of picturing it. There'll be a couple of things will happen. One is they'll be disappearing over the horizon. Yeah. You know, the upwards... Can you have a horizon upwards? But, you know, the diagonal, the upwards horizon... It stops you from seeing space, doesn't it?

That's the one, yeah. And I'll be... I'll just be the one lagging behind, sort of ruining it for everyone. They'll catch up with them. They'll be like... They'll just be finishing their break at the point that you'd have caught up with them, right?

Exactly. But from the next day, they'll have spent the night up there. They'll be ahead of me for so long that they're waking up by the time I reach them, getting out of their tent. It's time to go again. It's time to go again. And there'll be a kind of... What I'm fearing is the conversation of...

Of course, you're not ruining it, Henry. Everyone's just got their own pace, and yours is quite way off from ours. It's fine. It's fine, Henry, that you're not ruining it. You said you wanted to come on the hiking holiday, and it was at that point that you could have flagged some fitness issues, and you didn't.

And that's good, and we respect that, and we're glad you're here. And it's normal that there's fluid coming out of your knees. That's normal. And your decision to wear loafers is fine. And denim cut-offs. Stop... Henry, stop fighting the eagle. Let it peck away at your head.

That's the point of fighting it. Just relax. Wait until the eagle pecks you down until there's so little of you left that you wear enough for it to be able to pick you off and fly off with you. I think that's the best solution at this point. It's your quickest way to the top.

So basically, I was agreeing to the idea of the hiking holiday. I thought it sounded great. And I said, so how long do I can... How long will we hike in a day? And you went, oh, nothing too much, like just seven to eight hours. Oh, wow.

And at that point, I actually felt my ankle sprain just from hearing those words. I felt my ankle give way. Just sat on the sofa. I sat on the sofa. My ankle absolutely lost it. I crumpled into a heap. And I was like, oh, God.

But I sort of pretended I'd be fine with it. So there's a good chance this summer you're just going to be left in a cave somewhere. Sounds like. I think there's a quite good chance. Could you do seven or eight hours? That's quite a lot, isn't it? That's like a day's work.

Think I've ever done anything for that long other than sleep, probably. Yeah, exactly. At the end of that seven or eight hours of walking, there is a heavy, stodgy, melted cheese-based meal you can keep your mind on that. Oh, but is there? You know, it depends.

Because these guys sound quite hardcore. It is there. They might be eating something out of a sachet in a cave. Exactly. Yeah, is it just some... Are they going to be boiling some beans? Are you just going to have some sort of dried pulses? I think they're the kind of guys where you get there

and you're like, you're crawling and you're half dead and they're like, well done. You made it. Now it's time to crack open the seeds. It's seed o'clock. And you're entirely conditioned where you live to be able to... I mean, you think that you're never more than 50 yards away from somewhere where you can buy some seeds.

That's true. There aren't going to be any seed shops where you've got to... You're supposed to have brought your own seeds. They've brought their own seeds. You haven't brought your own seeds. And it's not like up Snowden or it's not like UK mountains where you can go, you know what? I think I'm going to go...

I'm going to go to the Big Weight Trows for this one. Because... He just passed that. Should we just go to Five Guys? You know what, Five Guys? We could, couldn't we? What you could do, Henry, is if you... You don't have to tell them you're doing this, your fellow walkers.

If you pay a Sherpa ahead of time to just hide a mini Panatoni every 100 meters. That's what they do, isn't it, the Shepherds? On the route. Yes, and so they'll be like... Why is your face covered in almond shards? And glass-aid fruits. That's quite good.

So you could hide it in like an old sort of stuffed, stuffed dead weasels and little things that just look like they're just on route. Guys, I've found another mini Panatoni. Make a scene where you just come across it. And it's next to a king-sized bed. Let's camp here. Must have been dropped here by a mountain goat.

Oh, there's a... See, just buying that little stream, that rock formation. Next up, there's a really excellent HD telly that seems to be wired up to Netflix. I don't know how they've done that. It seems to be logged into my account as well. Strange. That's playing the...

How weird. It's playing the Mandalorian series to episode seven. That's actually... That's the one I'm on. What? What? Weird. Oh, there's a little Yoda costume for me to wear as I watch it,

as I like to. Nice. See that squirrel that's dashing up that tree? See at the top of that? Top of that tree? Oh, that's second part. That's my parents. My parents?

That squirrel's been squirreling my parents away. I guess we'll see if they want to come and join us for a bit. I haven't caught up with them for a while, so... She falls quite well there here. Is that a mirage, or is that a complete one-to-one ratio reconstruction of my flat? What the? Every 300 yards up into the sun.

It must be something to do with the lime, the amount of lime in the rock. The alpine, the famous alpine lime. It must be the alpine lime in the rock, because what happens is with the weather, what happens is the rain falls down, doesn't it? And the limestone dissolves at a different pace to the granite stone that the limestone is studded within.

It dissolves at a different pace to the smeg fridge. Of the smegs, right? And that says... I'm going to the crusade palm. Well, they've crystallized, haven't they, through natural rock-crystal formations have created... When you think about it, metal, lacrossees, pamphlets, pens, things you've got lying around, fruit...

They're all different carbon polymers, aren't they? Everything's made out of... So everything can be created by nature, because everything is natural, isn't it? Yeah? That's my sitz barf. An old box of Christmas decorations. Don't need this till next year.

I don't even need those in here. I don't even know these. And what's that behind that bit of heather? That looks like a sort of black, shiny flat area with what looks like a grid pattern on it. And don't look at that. What's that? You're feeling a strange feeling around your faces

if you're wearing a virtual reality helmet? Take them off. If we're still in the Peter Express discussing whether or not we should go on a hike one day. God, you got me. Yeah, I set this all up as soon as you said that there was going to be seven or eight hours. We're still in the Peter Express at the top of Ben Neve.

Anyway, let's enjoy those dobles. What's that? The dobles have a strange texture. Feel a bit... What's that? Inside your Ramana base, we've pulled away some of the mozzarella cheese and there's a black flat area with a grid pattern on it,

on your pizza. Let me take off the second layer of headset. Take off the second layer. It's a double whammy. We're in the VR Peter Express on the top of Scaffold Pike. What's that on? My eyes are opening. The whole thing was a dream.

And I'm actually waking up from a nap because I'm so tired, because I've been walking for seven hours. And I'm actually at the top of the Matterhorn and I'm having that hypothermic dream that you have, which means you're probably about to die. Okay, time to read your emails. Thanks to everyone who sent us an email,

to 3beansaladpod.gmail.com. We are open to emails on any topic, I would say. Doesn't have to be about whether you've been pissed on by a tiger. No, yeah, we'd be interested in broadening things out a bit. No pressure, obviously. Actually, emails and they provide us with our listener, Bollocking of the Week. Accessing listener, Bollocking.

Bollocking loading. Bollocking loaded. Who is the target? Dear Beans, as possibly one of the first listeners to the Snow episode, due to starting the episode at around 5.30am today, Crumbs. Very keen. Can I please preemptively give my condolences to Henry,

for the Bollocking he is about to receive? Hang on, but I was so meticulous. Surely I think. What's the one mistake that I could have possibly have made? It's not possible, is it? Unless. Unless. Asteroids.

The plumbers, plumbing enthusiasts, plumbing DIYers, and people with very basic knowledge of boilers up and down this country, will be livid at the idea that you bleed radiators when the pressure is low, and used to fit into it for high pressure. It's just a mistake. My one mistake. Oh, God.

I double checked, I triple checked everything. I'm sure it's an honest mistake that Henry would like to set straight. However, it could explain why his boiler was condemned. I'd been doing the opposite of the right thing. I'll tell you what, I did notice it was quite hard to get a bleed on on those radiators when I was bleeding. I did have to sort of slam them quite a lot. Yeah.

The water had been shut down. Yeah. It wasn't the drop of water running through the house. No. So I had to really encourage them by bleeding on them. To bleed on them just to get them started. I thought maybe that'll. So is that an acceptobolic?

Are you accepting your bollocking? So she's saying that the mistake I made was to bleed the radiators to get the pressure down. You said you had it low. She says that's absurd, I think, is the words she chose. The pressure would need to be high. The idea that you could help the low pressure by bleeding. Are you going to wriggle out of this one? Or are you just going to take it on the chin?

So she's saying that the pressure. So she's implying that it's when the pressure is high that I should have been bleeding them. Are you worried that if you accept it she'll come around and confiscate your radiator key? I don't want that to happen. What's it going to be, Henry? The nation awaits. Really hard one to wriggle out of this. I think she's painted you into a corner.

I'll just put it to you again, Henry. So she says that people will be livid at the idea that you bleed radiators when the pressure is low and use the filling loop for high pressure. It's just absurd. The pressure where? Ashley, put your helmet on. You're about to get reflectobolicked. Lower the visor.

I do up all your sleeves very tight. Any, don't have any holes around your neck. Don't have any, yeah. Ideally get yourself in a sleeping bag and crawl under an upturned old-fashioned heavy bath. Because you're about to get reflectobolicked. Well, that's you, Henry. Come on, then. What was the question again?

So you were talking about, she was talking about the pressure in your pipes. I think you're about to wriggle out by suggesting there was some other sort of pressure. So you were relieving pressure in your soul by bleeding radiators? Or in my body by pissing into the radiator. I don't think at any point you claimed you'd pissed into a radiator. Thus readjusting the pressure, thus increasing the pressure in the radiator and decreasing the pressure in my bladder. So your flat is heated by piping hot piss.

And also giving the radiators and my pipes a much needed acidic internal clean. I don't think this counts as a reflectobolicked, because I'm sorry that I've done this a few times in this episode. I don't think that's successful. I don't think that follows in a logical sense, Henry. I'm sorry. Now, I think maybe it has to be an acceptable look after all. Bollocking accepted.

I think it's a grudging acceptable look, right? It's a grudger. It's a grudger. Well done, Henry. It's a grudger. This is growth. This is growth. Oh, hats off to Ashley for succeeding in getting that out of you.

Yeah, successfully bollocking Henry. Well done. Let's move on before it changes his mind. We had an email from chinalovecupid.com. Verify your email. Welcome to China Love Cupid in order to start using your China Love Cupid account. Please confirm email address. Should I click on that?

I think we can leave that. Oh, I'd like to hear more from China. China Love Cupid, intriguing. Follow the instructions. Let's find out more. Give it a click. Charlie writes, Henry, as a fellow Baldi, I also leave greasy patches on furnishings.

And essentially, everything in my head comes into contact with. We're sort of like rubber stamps. We're like mobile rubber stamps, bald people. A bald man has been here. It's official. There's a greasy patch. No two stamps are alike. Like a fingerprint.

He writes, I had assumed this was a result of moisturising my head. Post head shaving. Interesting. However, perhaps my head is naturally greasy. Could Henry please confirm whether he lubricates his hair with any product? Best jargon. Hair. Hair.

Well, as I explained last week, I do shower gel the fleshy air on top of my head out of a sense of kind of nostalgia. Do you want to know if there's any? I don't moisturise my head. Do you moisturise your head? What's he asking again? No, I don't. I'm not sure it's my face.

That's part of the head, isn't it? Good point, Mike. I think we established last week why the grease happens. It's because oils set off out of your skin pores on their way to work where they expect to be lubricating hair all day. There's no hair. So they just have to alloy you around in a town centre or the equivalent of, which is just sort of like emerging from your skin and just sitting around on you.

I don't know if that's when your cranial surface was hoping for. I doubt it. I forgot, but... Yeah, I didn't feel like a good answer, did it? What was the question again? I think he assumed that the greasy patches he's been leaving he was blaming himself for his own actions and wondering if that's why he's leaving a trail. But I think he's got a creeping sense of dread that maybe it's just him.

And I think he was wondering... I think it's you, mate. It's you. I think you're now going into the clarity. Don't be ashamed. He sort of wanted, but didn't want. Yeah. Yeah, it's you and don't be ashamed of it.

And there's nothing wrong with bringing your own anti-McCasters around with you as well. The official proven teller's anti-McCaster coming out soon. It's currently with the Weavers of Bremen and the Low Countries. Yeah, it's very much a Low Countries kind of craft skill, that, isn't it? It's along with doily making. A lot of Flemish people involved in the production of that anti-McCaster. It's got some Protestant feel. Obviously in the Catholic tradition, it's more of a kind of bejeweled sort of...

This is like what a podcast would be like if this was 1640. Me thinks the Catholic Church have got this transubstantiation business completely wrong. But what do you think? Send us a scroll. Let's move on before we kick off another Gordon Wright's. Yes. Matt, emails, hello beans. I was asking you a recent episode with emails discussing zoos and their often deceitful nature,

i.e. the controversial pygmy hippo. This reminded me of a news story from a few years back where a zoo in China tried to pass off a Tibetan mastiff as an African lion. Zugo is naturally very perplexed and angry that the animal inside the exhibit was clearly just a very hairy dog. The zoo also had a dog on display in a wolf enclosure and a fox presented as a leopard. I really like the sound of this, Sue.

You've got to do a bit of the work. There is a living creature there. It's interactive. You've got to do it half way. Well, what Mike thinks, Mike, you think a zoo should just... Because you love the way that prose makes your children imagine things, don't you? And makes people imagine things. It makes the reader imagine picture what's going on.

So zoos should really just be just the words, animal enclosure, just be the blurbs. Yeah. I'd much rather go to see the orangutans and just look from the viewing entry and there's just... Someone's just put a cup on a stool. Trains your imagination, doesn't it? Particularly if you're with a child who's never seen an orangutan before. Yeah. And then afterwards you go home and get them to draw what they saw and get some quite interesting results.

It's been kind of ruined by the internet, isn't it? Because your kids at the press of a button can find out what an orangutan looks like. Whereas when I was a child, my parents could have showed me a dog, said that's an orangutan, and I would have believed them. Don't let them near the internet. You don't. Of course not. It's the King James Bible.

No. It's made wooden toys. Yeah. And blurbs. You force them to go around zoos and museums just reading the blurbs. Yeah. They do brass rungs of the blurbs. To put in there.

They do brass rungs of the blurbs. To put in their collections. And you say to them, when you are of age, you'll be able to look into this glass case and look at the earthenware shards within. But for now, read the description of the earthenware shard. And dimension them. And picture. Because I'm looking at it right now and I can tell you it was absolutely incredible.

Much better. Much better for young minds. Yeah. Now home to read Revelation. Can we have the Book of Joe tonight, Dad? You haven't earned Joe. Somebody didn't finish their spinach. And that's of course just reading a description of spinach, isn't it?

It's time. To pay the ferryman. Patriot. Patriot. Patriot. Patriot. Patriot. Patriot.

Patriot. Patriot. Patriot. Patriot. Patriot. Patriot. Right. Well, if you enjoyed that episode, there is more that we held back and you can only access that

if you join our Patreon. Patreon.com, or forward slash 3 bean salad. Also there are other things you can get on the Patreon, you get ad-free episodes and also if you join at the Shaun Bean tier, you get access to the Shaun Bean lounge. You do. Mike was there last night, I think. I was indeed. I'm happy to report there was a mass wedding there last night. Oh, brilliant.

Tell you all about it, if you like. Yes, I'm ashamed we missed that, isn't it, Henry? Yeah, sounds excellent. Well, here's the blurb. There were no spare pricks last night at the Sean Bean loungers. It saw its first ever mass wedding, conducted by Arch Beanship Alex Knight on behalf of Barney Hapkard's Church of the Refried Bean.

P&T walked down the aisle with Kevin Travers, Thermus and Haley Sargent, who also tied the knot with Peter Goodfellow Cook, Marielle Coveydo, Ping and Tattooed Potato. Michael Lauren entered a marriage of convenience with Nav Snotra, who had a sham marriage with Kate Ryle, whose left-handed marriage to Daniel Bola raised a few eyebrows. When it emerged, he was in an open marriage with Luke Williams and Jenny Thomas. Cassandra Javi took James Vincent, Andrew Haynes,

and Neil Devlin as trophy husbands, and Helen Sutherland was wedded to the idea of Dave Todd. Claire Lohan tied the knot with Isabel Troleo, who got hitched to David Ogilvy, who dropped anchor with Hannah Gilbert, and Victoria, who took the plunge with Martin Innes, who got warm feet with Adam Taylor and Mark Haynes. And things were rounded off with a bang

when Joe Carageway, Mike Wood, Richard Hampton, Alexander Gunning, Ralph Hartley, Ken Bell and Rob were united as a single mega-husband in a shotgun wedding, the 12-bore wielded by Sean Bean himself, who gifted them a husband-husbandry masterclass weekend in the Cotswolds. Terms and conditions apply, all participants technically fall under an umbrella marriage with Sean Bean

and are legally required to add the suffix of Sean Bean to their surnames and first names. OK, now let's work out who's version of our theme tune will play us out. Yes, please. Give me a number, Mike, between one and thirteen. Five, please. OK, Elizabeth Smith has sent us a version. Thank you, Elizabeth.

She writes, I'm attaching a synthy slash dancey cover of your theme tune. Oh, nice. I'd be honored if I got to hear on the show someday. I've also included it on my EP, Sky Fortress. Hope you don't mind. Sky Fortress. Very good.

You'll be hearing from my lawyer. Oh, dear. Well, he's a big synth fan, isn't he? Yeah, I mean, he's probably heard it. He'll want to know where you've recorded it if you're going to do any live shows and so on. Yeah, he'll love that. He'll be great fun.

Yeah, and as he keeps telling me, I don't have a copyright case with these theme tunes. The whole point, this was a honey trap, essentially, this whole thing. Yeah, yeah. And every time I take to my lawyer, he says, This is curious. You literally ask for people to do this on your podcast. Yeah.

This is obvious entrapment. What you're doing is illegal. Oh, he's spicy, isn't he, sometimes? Well, thank you, Elizabeth, for sending that in. We will play out the episode with that. And thank you all for listening. Thanks, everyone. Bye.

Thank you.