Three Bean Salad - Mushrooms

Episode Date: September 18, 2024

The beans doff their caps (FUNGUS PUN!) to Adam of Bremington Spa for providing this weeks topic: mushrooms. What (or who???) are mushrooms? And why? And how come none of the other podcasts are getting to grips with them? Fear? Lobbyists? No matter. Just sit back, chuck some beans together with some mushrooms in a pot, set the hob to lukewarm and let’s see what bubbles up.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladWith thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Merch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [e-mail] @beansaladpod

Try start by addressing the elephant in the room, please. Yeah. Henry's wearing a pair of glasses with only one arm. Ben, you're such a bastard. I thought you were going to say that I had Sherlock Holmes style skills. Because not only are you wearing only one arm on your glasses, I can deduct what exactly that says. Because this morning were you not strolling through Regent's Park? Damn you, yes. Carry on.

When a three-armed vagabond... Yes. Triple Michael. ...recited upon you a poem that you hadn't heard since childhood. Causing you to spill your custard cream down your legs. And the only way out of that awful pickle I was in was to yank one of my glasses arms off and board the tiny little... Paddle steamer. The tiny little paddle steamer. The tiny little paddle steamer.

To Rangoon. To Rangoon. And of course the only way to operate the crank on the engine is with the right hand arm or leg of a pair of glasses. Yeah. And I can detect that because of the small speck of oil on your forehead, which could only come from that class of paddle steamer. That's right. And of course my I love Rangoon t-shirt by Heart RG. Also works for I Love

Richard Gere. So you can wear it to Richard Gere Con 2024, I think I picked mine up. It also works for trips to Rangoon, so it's really, really handy. Yeah, no, yes, an arm has fallen off a glass. I was hoping, I thought I might get away with the whole pod without you noticing, because there are some things where you go, hang on a minute, have I ever actually, does Mike have three poached eggs on his head? Has he always, you know, sometimes there are things that have always been there, but you've not noticed and someone tells one. But it's too late to sort out because it's time to record. But you know, for example, here's a good question. At any given time, I couldn't tell you which of

my friends wears glasses or not. It's one of those things where you, because you see it every day, you stop, you forget whether you do see it. Henry Henry, you're talking to a modern Sherlock Holmes in my case and my compadre, Mike Wozniak slash Dr. Watson. That's right. Dr. Woz and the son. We take it all in. We've seen it all because I carry a service revolver with me wherever I go. Never been frisked. Getting away with it so far. And I'm really into opium. getting away with it so far. And I'm really into opium. I'm still going to refer back to my previous point though, actually.

There are friends of mine who I'm not sure if they wear glasses or not. Well, I don't think of you, Henry, as a glasses wearer. Exactly. But I think that's because your publicity photographs don't have them on. Well, also they're a later arrival, aren't they? Yes, I didn't use to wear glasses. It's because I actually only started wearing glasses quite shortly after I designed the bean logo.

So I haven't got them in the bean logo. No. So I'd have to go back and change the bean logo. Also, as I've already opened up on this podcast, I don't know if it made the edit, you know, I'm open to the idea of hair replacement surgery. It did make that. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, you would, you would know if it made the edit because you'd have listened to the edit, of course, before, before out. Well, he'd certainly think I would have done that. He'd stipulate it in your contract. He'd certainly think I would have done that if I'd claimed to have done an email confirming that I had done that. Wouldn't you? These things are, it's very vague. It's a real spectrum with this stuff, isn't it?

Yeah, because with glasses, I'd have to then, if I was to get hair replacement surgery and put the specs on, I mean, I would presumably look like, who would I look like with specs out? I was Richard Osman. You probably looked like a sort of, sort of makeup students first go in their first term. Yeah. Give it, given the budget. I mean, it's going to be push out.

Do you want to mean it's not going to be a push out. Do you know what I mean? It's not going to be premium end stuff, is it? It's going to be... You look a bit like AC Grayling, I think. Okay. So, philosopher slash composer. All the other options go Osmond, which is a heavy 50s look, because at that point you can put so much gel on that the fact that the...

Would you say Richard Osmond's's going for 50s look. Well, he's arrived at 50s look I'd say. Because he's in his 50s. Because he's in his 50s. I've always thought Richard Osman is having a sort of retro diner face, is that not what he's going for? Like a sort of Fonz character. He's got a thick rimmed glasses.

And you know, he's got a good head of slightly sort of... And the flick knife. The flick knife. The studded leather jacket. And the dancing guy. He's got work going. But he's got a full thick head of natural hair. Yeah, alright, don't rub it in.

Whereas you'd only be able to afford probably turf. What? Um, turf's actually quite pricey. If you looked at it per per square square meter on the upkeep, cause you then need a groundsman where you get weeds, you get weeds and they are so bloody stubborn and you could get a mole. You get a mole. Cause if you're having to live in my skull cavity.

I think stick with the current look. I think you look quite stick with the current look. But if Mike ever got specs, that would spin me out. I wouldn't like it at all. I don't know why. I've never had an eye test in my life. Oh my god. I've never mentioned that before.

But that might just be arrogance. Well, isn't it dangerous? I have noticed when I'm tired, I'm doing a little bit of the sort of book a little bit far from your face. Oh yeah. Yeah. Reading specs. Last year.

Yeah. That's a different, that comes for us all. I think. So it might, it might be time for the half moons before too long. Or some pans and airs. Yeah, exactly. I might not be too far from that, but I don't know. I still haven't actually done the...

My friend Arzie was absolutely outraged when I told her that. And she forced me to do an improvised eye test on the spot. I remember. The world to you might look like a sort of Turner painting. Oh, it's lovely. You two are very handsome in self-focus. I don't want to change that. I don't want to spoil that.

But the thing is, Mike, to you, I look like the sun setting on the Mersey Sound in the depths of September. Don't I? That's the trouble. And Ben looks like a flaming galleon. A flaming galleon off the coast of Lizards Point. Some people, you can put on a pair of glasses and you look ridiculous, right? And other people look really good in glasses. But it seems, what's the difference? Is it the difference between your? It's a bit of a mystery.

It's face shape. You've got quite an oval head. Have you Henry? Well, you've tactlessly just barged in with absolutely no sensitivity, but yes, I have, we've talked about this quite a while ago, but I have a deep head. My head has the normal height. Like an alien xenomorph. If you've ever seen H.R. Geiger's designs for the alien films, they're basically, it's just me in profile. If you just stick a little cup of Costa coffee in front of them, it just looks like it's

me in a cafe. It's me doing some work. So yeah, so from the front, my head is normal height, normal width, normal breadth, but depth, it just keeps going my head. It just keeps going. So I have to buy three rows of seats on airplanes. So like for example, I'll be, I'll be G one, two and three when I'll be the three in a row. If I'm on a speedboat, I'll tend to go. You look like you're going even faster than you are. That's why you had that job in speedboat sales wasn't it?

That's why I had that job in speedboat sales. It wasn't just how good it looked in the shorts Mike. In fact they told me that, I think it was a lie about me looking at it in the shorts, they told me that because the fact is, they couldn't contain contain their excitement. Excitement is like, because the ghost who laid the fucking golden, we've got to come up with a, we've got to see him off head. We're not going to have to waste a drop of petrol on this one. We're going to have to use the static. Oh my God, he's the ghost that laid the golden head. Head distortingly fast.

Yeah, so warp speed head. Yeah, exactly. I've got like a warp speed head. The way it works is you're actually fine in the theatre, as long as you're sitting two seats behind me. But what you don't want to be is if I'm sitting towards the left of the stalls, anyone on my left technically has restricted view if they're trying to look diagonally at the stage. Yeah. And they will get five quid off the ticket. So you can get five quid off your ticket.

Or allow you to rest their beverage on top of your paint. That's right. That's the trade off. But as we have covered, Mike, in the past, the paint is quite oily, so it's quite slick. Really getting it on you today, aren't you today, I think. Yeah, so it's a long slick. Again, I would refer you to the HR Geiger designs before the Zenim off. Did anyone think of that as a dry alien, Ben? Don't think so? No, because it's wet, it's moist, it's an oily alien that can slip around a spacecraft very, very,

very quickly and silently. In the original script for Alien, most of it is Ripley walking around, putting Auntie Macassar's on the back of seats and stuff. Just to try and keep down the oil content. Just whinging about the fact that the upholstery keeps getting ruined. And why is that? Who's ruining these sofas? Yeah. So I've got a long head. So that means my arms need to be... Heavier.

Well, they need to be longer in terms of the arms on my glasses. This is my say, I thought you meant your arms. No, well, my arms are when you sort of stick them out in front of you for balance. Well, they would love it if they were longer, Mike. Unfortunately, my arms are a normal length. And the only other thing I've got in common with the alien from the H.R. Geiger films, I'm afraid, is the is the miniature mouth that comes out of my actual mouth sometimes. When you're really, really very cross.

When I'm very, very cross or stressed. Which often happens while watching the alien films. So actually, if you're watching the alien films with me in the audience, it's fucking terrifying for people. It's absolutely terrifying. But yeah, so the arm pillow for glasses. This is this only yesterday. And they've been loose for a while. And it fell off. And unfortunately, I don't know what I'm going to do because the most classes have a tiny little a tiny little screw little hinge, tiny, tiny, little screw. Hmm. Little hinge. Tiny, tiny, tiny screw.

And you have to use one of those screwdrivers you get out of a Christmas cracker. It's such a tiny little Christmas cracker screwdriver. It's the only way to, cause it's such a tiny little hinge. It's the smallest hinge you'll ever see. Yeah. Which in and of itself requires absolutely perfect vision. Exactly.

Herobrine Falcon level vision. Exactly. It's a massive catch 22. So it's a huge catch 22, which is how can you find the tiny hinge when the hinge was holding the glasses on your face in the first place? It's impossible. But my ones don't have, don't even have a tiny hinge or screw because they're Japanese design.

So that's something I was told when I bought them, which is their special ones which don't have a, don't have a don't have a little handle screw that's sort of one piece or something. But it occurred to me that I was just remembering that how I was really impressed when this guy said to me in the shop that Japanese design. And it came to me that there's three countries, I think, where you can put their name in front of the word design, it just sounds impressive, even though I've got no reason to think that Japan is particularly good at making glasses. But if you just say Japanese design, I'm impressed. The other one I believe is German design. Oh, the German design.

That means I can trust it. Well, you'd say German engineered. These flip-flops are German engineered. Whatever it is, you'd be, oh yeah, brilliant. Trust levels soar. Trust levels soar and also sense of, and Japan has trust and also a bit of like, oh, it's quite cool. And the other one that I believe is made from American leather. This car is 100% made from American leather. I'm buying it. I'm sorry. This Aqualung is 100% calves leather from the United States.

The other one I think is, oh yeah, these glasses, they're Italian design. Yeah, for the design maybe. But before you get into the yes or no of what I've said, the thing that I then thought was interesting about that, but I've no idea what it means is that those three countries... Were the Axis powers. Were the Axis powers? Were the Axis powers. Yeah. Well, why? Why is that? Because I think you can say, you can just say whether or not,

you might have a mixed approach, but you can say it's Italian design. Oh yeah. You can't say it's English design. No, Italian design you can slap another 20 quid on, you know, it's going to look good. It's going to look good. But yeah, German I feel like I'm more likely to go, yeah, German, I'm just going to, I feel like I trust my family in it, whatever it is. I'm going to trust my family in that pair of spectacles.

You trust your family in that dishwasher. Yeah, exactly. It's okay, darling. Don't worry. Fine, darling. It's Italian design. I'm in German, oh fuck. I live on a new build estate and when it was built, when people were buying the houses,

you could choose to pay extra to have a German kitchen. Yes. German made. Yeah. And I don't know if my house has got a German made kitchen or not, but it was one of the things you could choose. It's got an inbuilt sausage, isn't it? Every sausage can. Every sausage tap. and make it or not, but it was one of the things you could choose. It's got an inbuilt sausage, isn't it? Sausage cannon.

Every step. Sausage tap. It's got hot water, cold water. Sausage. And you've got iced sausage cubes, haven't you? Comes out of your fridge, you've got an ice sausage cubes. Any drink can have ice cold sausage cubes in it, can't it? It was slowly melt.

Are there any other countries that you would, I think made in the USA for me is a little bit of excitement. Really? Occasionally. Yeah. It's American design. What are you talking about? I don't know what you mean.

No, not American design, but it's something. You mean it's got huge stars on it and a big eagle, a crow, if you don't press the button. I'm thinking like sort of a cowboy's leather chap. It's got a belt buckle. Belt buckle. Yeah. Saddle. Yeah.

I'm thinking of a Jeep. Five gun holsters. Yeah. A horse drawn Jeep. Yeah. Saddle. Yeah. I'm thinking of a Jeep. Five gun holsters. Yeah. A horse drawn Jeep. Yeah. America. America. I'd like two tickets for the Chattanooga choo choo. America... America... America... I'd like two tickets for the Chattanooga Choo-Choo.

America... Get me the D.A. The size of old Mama's apple pie down the animal. In New York City. Don't be ridiculous. You'll never be an actor in B-movies. You'd be more likely to be President of the United States, Mr. Reagan. Burgers! There's something robust and huge about it, you know what I mean?

Robust and huge? Yeah, I see what you're saying. It's going to get tongue-swagging among the neighbours. It's not going to fit into a British lifestyle or property, is it? Like an American fridge or whatever? It's just, yeah, it's not going to work. The cars are like two lanes wide, aren't they? If they come over here. It will need a deep water harbour, at the very least. Are there any other countries that you would sort of, because I think Swiss has got something about it. Yes.

Okay. We're talking about national stereotypes here, which is not something that we don't mind doing. stereotypes here, which is not something that we don't mind doing. So basically I've gone German with my Hoovers. I'd go Italian for Specs. Yeah, I'd go Italian for Specs. Because yeah, I'd go Italian for Parmesan. That's not a stretch, is it? I wouldn't get German, but I wouldn't want... This Parmesan is German design. 100% German Parmesan. From the floodplains of Hessen.

Yeah, I wouldn't want that. Bavarian sushi. I wouldn't want that either. It's completely raw pig meat. That's right. It's uncooked sausage. Delicately wrapped in a different type of uncooked sausage. Yeah. So I'd go for German for Hoover Italian for specs car. I like, I like, I like a fiat. Some kind of sort of really or Nate sort of zester or. Yeah.

You say, you know, what Italian Italian. Yeah. I could also go for a German zester. I think, I think Japan is one you can put on anything and it's like, yes, it was Japanese. Um, what's what? Yeah. So you could just say it's Japanese and people go, no, no, no. The one I'm going to throw in is a potential. Yeah. Yeah. Norwegian design. Oh, that's not bad. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. These chinos are Norwegian design. Yeah. I'm interested. I'm clicking through on that. And the internet will notice I've clicked through on it and I will be sent Norwegian Chino's to look at

by the internet and I'll be happy about it. Yeah, I mean, I think Swedish, yeah, Scandi is quite strong, isn't it? I've got this, this Danish rucksack I've just bought. Yes. Oh, tell me about it. Danish. It's got little toggles. Because the Scandinavians understand toggles in some way that we don't. I just't. I'd have a sense that they understand toggles. But internationally, what do people make of British design? Made in Sheffield by bastards. Like what do people make of that elsewhere? For me, British design, I don't know if this is English or British, it's like the British shorthair cat. So it's chunky. It's Brompton's, bof. You know, if you drop a bomb, if you poof, you know, it's stuff which if you put it down, it goes, it makes this noise. So

that'd be Bluebell. After you folded her up. After you folded her up and you carry around the supermarket. So convenient. Don't chain her up because someone will have that. Yes, someone will have that. Don't do it. Take her around with you. And I can deconstruct and reconstruct blue blood in about 45 seconds now. You'll cut your shins doing it. I cut my hind legs up, tail, crank the tail 45 degrees, then yank that head into the spine

and then crumple the whole thing up. That's part of the process. That isn't pain, that's part of the process. And then you just plug your thumb into the anus. Into the anus. And it locks. And it locks. And you can stay on a train. Bluebell, soft and gentle and wise and kind Bluebell, Bluebell, Bluebell, Sturdy paws and silky thighs Bluebell, She's a cat There she flies, like a furry star

Classic and stylish, like a vintage car You're gonna go far Bluebell, Bluebell Take me away on a magical trip Bluebell, Bluebell To the Milky Way on your ferry spaceship Bluebell, Bluebell, to the Milky Way on your ferry spaceship, Bluebell. I'll feed you meat biscuits upon the moon. We'll defeat a giant worm like in June. I'll see you there soon. Blooberlina and Blooberama, Blooberlama and Blooberuma, Blooberata and Blooberata, Blooberata. You'll swipe off the faces of our enemies. You'll toy with the corpses of anyone who defies our galactic rule.

It's cruel to be kind, but mainly to be cruel. Mmm, mmm, mmm. Let's turn on the beat machine. Yes, please. Good idea. This week's topic, as sent in by Adam from Bremington Spa... Hello Adam. Is mushrooms. Hmm.

Ah. Very rich area. Obviously mushrooms. I would say they're... to me they're very much, I think of them as very much as a kind of, as the food of the future. Oh really? Yeah. Because I feel that we haven't fully understood mushrooms

yet. And I feel that because they can be used to replace all meat. Exactly. I think that's that's a big part of the future, isn't it? They can be a burger patty. They can be a burger patty. It can be a lasagna layer. It can be lasagna layer. Is corn kind of mushrooms? Oh, great question. Great question. Again, that's what I'm talking about. There's a lot of mystery around these things. It feels like the corn is a sort of thing someone could easily say that there is or isn't mushrooms in it and it would be, I'd be easily convinced either way I think. I think corn is a substance that is grown. Like you can grow a quantity of corn. You can have a field of corn. I think so, yeah. Through which you can gamble. My

dream. The other thing is you can't really gamble because which you can gamble. My dream. The other thing is you can't really gamble cause any sheep can gamble and there's no sheep made in corn is there? Okay. So what can you do? Can you be chased through a field of corn? I think you can, you can sort of hover over it in a, in a sort of futuristic, a series of drones in a series of futuristic body copters.

Okay. And just monitor the cornfields. Okay. That'd be like a tough job in the future, cornfield monitoring. And you'd be like, I'm in sectin 4943 slash 296, fet 7, 8. Exterminating pests. Status... good. Bolognese ability high.

Sweat level average. So you're saying this is likely to be the only human job? Put it this way, you know we were talking at the beginning about its Japanese design or its German design. Anything futuristic, I could believe, if you said to me, yes it can't basically, it worked out to make self-driving cars, it turns out the solution was using mushroom technology. I'd be okay. Yeah, sounds right. Do they have an intelligence network? Is that mushrooms? What do you mean? Like the

starzy series of informants. They inform on each other. Yeah. Which is the, is it some sort of fungus that is able to communicate with its fellows under the very earth? I think you're right. I think you're right. And I think I'm going to say something that might be wrong. Is it that like, if you see like 10 mushrooms in a field, they're talking about you below ground is like 10 times more fungus. It's the tip of the mushroom bag. Yeah. And they're all talking to each other. There's like a big network underneath and they all chat. Gossiping.

Yes. What do they have to talk about? It could just be gossip, couldn't it? But isn't it true that like trees can talk to each other via the network of fungus? Oh, really? So fungus is a bit like BT Openreach or, you know, NTL, whatever. I think that's not bollocks, but it might be bollocks. You could certainly imagine blowing into a large enough fungus and it creating music. Okay. That's not really what I was talking about.

No, no, but I'm, I'm going, I'm going fungal in my approach to this conversation. You know, it's, it's a non-structured repeatable sort of modular system, isn't it? Mushrooms and funguses that they're kind of, they're not like other organisms. You know, if you, if you, if you cut off, if you cut through a branch, Cut off the tail of a mushroom. You cut off the branch of a tree, there's cortex and pith, we all understand this, molecules travel up and down, it's basically pretty much the same thing that happens in a human leg, isn't it? It's tubes containing chemicals shooting them up and down, right?

Yeah, sucking up nutrients and liquid from the ground that then evaporates at the top to cool the thighs. Yeah. Exactly. And in a plant, it's flowers and in a human, it's ideas. And pubes. And pubes. And flour. Yeah. And I'm currently smashing it with both. Got more pubes than I ought to do with. Okay. Cause anything else, you cut through it. I mean, obviously don't do this at home, but if you were to cut a terrapin in half, you'd find tubes, you'd find spherical objects, like moist, wet spheres.

Gels. You'd find gels. And loads of stuff that can be made into hand soaps, basically. At varying levels of luxury. Exactly. You get societies full stretch, don't you? Yeah. From your economy liquid soap, through to your hard sort of cinnamon zesty. Cinnamon zesty stuff that you'd get in the shop.

What's it called? That really, really high end? Boots. That's the one yeah. So I feel intimidated to go in. That one yeah boots. No and what's it called something like Noah or something? What's it called? It's the most ridiculously high end gels shop. You might be asking the wrong two people. I think I'm asking you. You'd only ever go in there if it was someone's 50th wedding anniversary. That's literally like it would have to be such a special gift. And what do they sell? Just soap. Just soap. Gold soap. Gold soap. No, but basically I'd say soap is one of those things, isn't it?

Where the markup is just crazy, isn't it? Based on your understanding of the soap making process, which you think involves cutting taro pins in half, it should be much, much more expensive. Humanely cutting them in half then. Left to right, not top to bottom. So I reckon the markup in the soap industry is crazy. No, the reason I was just a little smiles is just for a moment that that's not strictly through with mushrooms, is it? You're going to bring it back to mushrooms though, right? I'm going to bring it back to mushrooms. what's it called that really high-end? Aesop that's how Aesop yeah, Aesop of course named because the the the the story of the Terrapin and the and the whale and the

Terrapin the actual wailing whale the actual wailing whale Which is well quick quick version is the had a, had a dried blowhole. So you cut, cut every in half and use the liquids that came out to moisturise it. The moral of the story is moisturise your blowhole. Cut most things in half in nature and you see an array of tubes. It's just, it's just the fact. Most natural things are basically a tube pie. Yeah, exactly. It's a tube. It's just, it's just the fact. Most natural things are basically a tube pie. Yeah, exactly. It's a tube.

It's a tube. But a dense, quite a dense one, like a game pie level of density. Yeah. Yeah. Fairly dense. Do you buy, and if you cut it, and that's why it's always good to cut things with to know whether you're cutting with or against the grain. That's why there's that concept of the grain.

Cause if you cut against the grain, you're opening up, you'll see lots of circles, which is the tubes. If you cut along the grain, we get sort up, you'll see lots of circles, which is the tubes. If you cut along the grain, we get sort of lateral. See the sides of the tubes. You see, there's like, you see the sides of the tubes. Mike, you have more anatomical knowledge than me and Henry, I think. I've always wondered something. This is about the tubes inside the pie.

You know, if you have an operation on your guts and you've got all your intestines and they're just like a big wad of tubes, tubes, right? They're in no particular order, are they? They are in an order, yeah. Oh, I thought that if you had an operation on your guts, they'd just pull them all out, have a look. Pile them back in. Stuff them back in. And I was like, how do you know, you know, when you like unbox something and you

don't know how to get it back in the box again. They have to study how to re-box it. That's very much part of the training I think. In my mind the intestines go back into the body very much in the same way as the Christmas lights go back into the box at the end of Christmas. Horribly knotted, tangled up, a few shattered bulbs. Every couple of years you think to yourself, you know what, I'm going to try and come up with a system for this.

I'm sure I saw it on TV once, if you hook one end of it around your index finger, hook the other end around your elbow, you go one, two, three and four and you're like, I've trapped myself in the lights, I'm now part of the lights. Sandra, Sandra! Sandra, for the love of God, Sandra! For the love of God, don't turn on that switch! No, but you know, and then you wrap it, because you think, I'm sure I saw an Italian man do this once or something, and you wrap it finger to elbow, finger to elbow, finger to elbow, finger to elbow, and you take it off your elbow and it instantly turns back into the absolute chaos of Spaghetti Junction again. You stuff it in a cardboard box. You

stuff it in and what you do is you wedge the roof down, and for a human that's the chest, that's the top, well the ribs. Just push it down, Sandra. And it doesn't matter if a few of the Christmas lights stick out the edge, because you shove it all in the attic. Yeah. So that's not the case with operations. They sort of put them back carefully. They will try and put things back carefully, yeah. Do they use the elbow to finger system? If they've had to pull a lot out, of course they do.

What else is there? If they've had to pull a lot out, of course they do. What else is there? Can I ask a question about whether you agree with me that I think in terms of the amount of dirt I've eaten in my life, Yeah. I would say 90% of it has been born by mushrooms. Very good. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I've certainly, yeah. I've tried washing a mushroom and giving up very early. Yeah. And then the rest of them are just going, they're just getting going straight in as they are.

I, that's so true. Cause mushrooms for some reason it's seen as acceptable for them to come absolutely caked in filth, isn't it? In supermarkets, they're caked in filth and it's really, they're quite crevicey aren't they? So there's a lot of filth that's really deep in the crevice. The skin will grip the sod. Yeah.

Oh yeah. And what I do is I do a lot of mental bargaining with myself where I go, oh, the fact is it's just natural, isn't it? Turds are natural. What is the human body if not a tube with food coming in one end, turds out the other? What's the difference? Let's swap the polarities guys. That's what them polls have us the earth every couple of millennia. It's going to happen to me right now. We're swapping them polls. See if a mushroom burger comes out the other end. Digestive tract talk.

So I do all kinds of mental bargaining and you know what this very weekend I made salad at a barbecue. It was the last barbecue of the season. Yeah. Yesterday. And I was in charge of salad. You made a mushroom salad. But it wasn't a mushroom salad, but it was there were beans in it.

I did mental bargaining over the beans. I thought to myself because they were green green runner beans, they have a crevice running down the side of them. The bean, as if to make my point yet again, is a long tube, you guys in half, it's full of little tubes. They're all green. But down the side of that, because any tube, like any jumper, the arms are a jumper. Again a series of tubes.

Again a series of tubes. Well a jumper sleeve is a tube covering the tube that is your arm jumper again, a series of tubes, a series of tubes. Well, a jumper sleeve is a tube covering the tube that is your arm, which is a tube of just a wide tube for your trunk, which has got all sorts of tubes in it. There's a seam as well. Most tubes have a seam. So like a jumper has seams, whatever the cabine has a seam. And that seam attracts filth. So there's the green beam.

So I was in charge of salad. I said, I said to the person, I shouldn't have, I should have just pressed out, but I said to the person whose house it was, I was invited. Mummy, that salad making man's come round again. Sandra, get my shovel. He's the most confusing serial killer we've yet come across. He breaks into homes, makes salads and leaves. And they die later because all of the beans were filthy. So essentially I said to him, what's your policy on cleaning food in general? I shouldn't have done. And he said, I do try and do it as much as possible. So that put me in a real

dilemma, but I solved it by thinking, there's no way I tried cleaning one of them beans. I thought there's no way I'm cleaning about 150 of these beans. It was so labor intensive to get the filth out of the crack. So I did a mental bargaining, which is one, if I put, if I put surely boiling in the water solves it. Boiling in the water solves it. Another mental bargaining you do is you go in medieval times, everything was fine somehow. Plus I'll just personally stay clear of the beans myself just in case. If I was to offer you three mushroom dishes, which of these would you choose? Okay. I've got to eat this every meal for the rest of my life.

Well, you think my question wasn't interesting enough and you're trying to improve my question? Am I raising the stakes? Yeah. Okay, yeah. You've got to eat one of these for the rest of your life. Japanese mushrooms. What does that mean though? Yeah, I'm not telling you that.

This is all you know. Stop questioning the questioner and answer the question. Number two, German mushrooms. Number three, Italian mushrooms. It depends on the time of day. I'm having Italian mushrooms for breakfast. I'm having a heavy lunch with German mushrooms. I'm having a big old glorious nap and I'm having Italian mushrooms for breakfast, I'm having a heavy lunch with German mushrooms, I'm having a big old glorious nap, and I'm having a lovely light supper with some Japanese mushrooms in the evening. Well you've made your choices and now I can tell you what they are. Italian mushrooms is entirely tripe.

There's no mushrooms in it, it's just a name. It's a boiling hot bucket of tripe. Well, I tell you what I would choose. I think I would genuinely choose, I think Japanese mushrooms would be my number one. I don't know what they are, but I just, I trust that that would be a great mushroom. They'd nail the mushroom. I reckon they would nail. My second would be Italian mushrooms, because it'll be tomato and garlic. You can't go that far wrong. And German mushrooms, that doesn't sound good

to me. I'm going to German mushrooms number one. Really? What do you think German mushrooms, that doesn't sound good to me. I don't know why. I'm going German mushrooms number one. Really? Yeah, for sure. What do you think German mushrooms is going to be? It'll be a stroganoffy type thing. Creamy sauce. Oh, creamy sauce. Good point. Yeah, yeah, no, there is a place for German mushrooms. So again, though, the point stands that German, Italian and Japanese, all quite trustworthy, when stuck before pretty much anything. Have we ever talked about...

Dutch mushrooms. Welcome to Panorama. In another bit of sort of national stereotyping there, I mean, you put Dutch in front of everything, it sounds like it's a euphemism for something. Oh, you're so right. If you didn't, yeah, I did a Dutch mushroom when I was a student and basically lost a year of my life. All I found out was, paper trail wise, I found out I'd got married three times during that year. Twice to the same goat. And lastly to Brian Ferry. Yeah, it was a hell of a year.

It's also true of, if you put Glasgow in front of anything. Yes. It sounds like a violent, an act of violence. It sounds unspeakable, yeah. Yeah. Glasgow smoothie. Jesus Christ. That's so true. Glasgow washing machine. Oh, poor guy. He has to be taught to wink again. He's spending three hours a day in a swimming pool with a wink specialist. Once he can wink underwater and sexually intimidate snorkelers, we'll move him out of the pool.

Similarly there's another word thing which is that I've noticed that, so I was in Lidl the other day and in the middle aisle, they were selling dog beds. Yeah. And I think if you put the word dog in front of anything, it makes it sound disgusting and awful. Yes, that's true. Dog breath, dog face, dog tannin, dog bed. Dog bed.

It's a dog's life. Dog table. What's that? What's that for? Yeah, we've just bought him his own little dog table. Oh, I don't want to... Wait, do you mean even if it's for a dog? Yes.

I'm really freaked out. One of my neighbours left a dog glove on the doorstep the other day. What's going on? A cat on the other hand, it's quite, adds a little sous-sans or something, like a cat and burglar is a step up from a burglar. Yeah, that's true. A cat nap is a bit, a little bit more delicious than a normal nap. A cat burger is more, is for a reason, more expensive than a normal burger.

I'd say a cat flap is better than a normal flap. Or just a flap. Yeah. Yeah. Dog flap than a normal flap. Or just a flap. Yeah. Yeah. Dog flap though. Dog flap. Sounds like something you've got to clean on the end of its penis. We've had to dog flap it, I'm afraid.

It's only a temporary measure and in 18 months time the grafting will hold and we'll be able to remove it, but he will have to use the dog flap in the meantime. Look, no one enjoys having this conversation, but it might be time to talk about getting dog flap cleaning mittens. It's breathable rubber. Are you able to remortgage? Mrs Wozniak, I'm afraid we've had to do a procedure known as the Glasgow dog flap. We think at this point it's probably more humane to kill your husband and anything within a three mile radius of him.

Which at the moment doesn't include you and me. But we think it's probably for the best. And we think you'll understand. Email time! When you send an email, you must give thanks to the postmasters that came before. Good morning, postmaster. Anything for me? Just some old shit. When you send an email, this represents progress.

Like a robot shooing a horse. Give me your horse. My beautiful horse. Now this week we've received more emails about a single topic and it's not your shoes, Henry, than ever before. Seriously? Yeah. In the form of bollocking or what? No bollockings.

It's in the form of a visit to the flightless bird zone. Welcome to the flightless bird zone. Brilliant. I'm just sending you both a link. I've not actually seen the story. So we've had lots and lots of like literally 50 emails. I'll just read one night at random. This is from Lois. Hello Lois. Dear beans, I was happily passing time on a train today when reading the news. I found

this article. Today a new cassowary has been born in Birdland, Gloucestershire. The photos make it look adorable, but just like its adult contemporary sexy legs, you must not be fooled by appearances. Best of luck avoiding dangerous, flightless birds, Lois. Oh wow, and there's the picture. It is adorable, isn't it? It is so sweet. I mean, how long does it take before it's a full blown killer? It's probably not long, is it? I think it grows at the same speed as the alien in the alien films, doesn't it? Okay. So it's a matter of hours.

From chest burst to taking out all the staff at that bird enclosure will be about probably, well, you want to start dying before the midpoint. So we're talking 40, 45 minutes from, from chest burst to, uh, yeah. It's only really a short drive for, for Benjamin or myself. Yeah. It's in the Cotswolds. I think someone has emailed in previously saying they've been to bird land. Why, why, oh why has there not been a spate of cassowary and flightless bird films? A bit like there's shark films. You know what I mean?

Why is there not a single one about cassowary loose on a space station? Can you imagine a cassowary in zero-G? That's a really good idea actually Henry. Why isn't there like a dangerous birds disaster movie? Or even on one of those really fast sort of Japanese intercity bullet trains or something. Yes! Cassowary on a bullet train. Intercity is not stopping. Can't stop. No. Or even on one of those really fast sort of Japanese intercity bullet trains or something like that. Yes! Kasuhari on a bullet train.

Intercity is not stopping, can't stop. No, it's going all the way to Hokkaido! Or is it? Where's Dr Enzo? It's pecked through Dr Enzo. It's pecked through everyone. Dr Enzo was trying to smuggle a cassowary cub in his hand luggage. And now look at him.

Yes, he was working for the government because they were trying to control cassowaries and use them as a military force. It's the ultimate weapon. They can fly like the Air Force. They can walk about like the ground. They can't fly, that's the whole point of it. They can board a Boeing 747. They can totally trash duty free.

They're the perfect saboteur. And incredibly good at maintaining their calm at passport control. It's all in the beady eyes. It's all in the beady eyed stare. When the guy behind passport control is looking through the thing, flicking through the pages, oh! What's the purpose of your visit? Sabotage.

Carry on, sir. It's only later that night that he realises I waved through an army of sabotage and cassowaries. Of plastic-laden cassowaries. The BBC have run with the headline, Chick of the World's most dangerous bird hatches in Cotswolds. Keepers at Birdland in Burton on the Water Gloucestershire have been trying to breed the giant fightless birds for more than 25 years. You fools! What have you done, you fools? I mean, where did the problem start? Probably when we tried to reproduce them. Fuck, they're

psychopathic. These perfect killers. They're perfect killers. Imagine a weapon with a brain and imagine that brain belonged to a complete bastard. That's what you've done. Oh, okay, so they've been trying for 20 years. 25 years. It's the ultimate hubris, isn't it? That's so hubristic. Birdland, Borton on the water, Gloucestershire. Who knew that that's where the end of days begins?

Borton on the water. Heralded by the pop of a champagne cork as they celebrate. Goggles scattered around as the ornithologists snog each other. Some of them keeping their goggles on while they snog so they can carry even more hammer and tongs at the snogging. It's disgusting. None of them noticing the first crunch of that set of first goggles underfoot as the chick now mature enters the events room. Wait a minute. Dr. Peterson's doing a brilliant party trick. He's doing an impression of a

cassowary. No, wait a minute. The cassowary is wearing Dr. Petersen's skin! What were we thinking? Yeah, terrifying. It says, cassowaries are challenging to breed in captivity due to their specific environmental and behavioural needs. The male incubates the eggs for up to two months and looks after the hatchlings. Once the chicks hatch, the male leads them to his regular feeding grounds. Which would be a local primary school I imagine. Sirencester. Could be Sirencester. Blimey. I mean, yeah. Basically, if you've ever seen a cataract fighting a snake to the death picture that happening on a mass scale against

all the penises of Britain. That picture of the baby is hyper cute though isn't it? Look at it. It is quite cute. But that's how he sucked you in Ben. That's why they're the perfect killer. Imagine the, I don't know, it, keeps coming up in this, but imagine there's any more failure from the alien films with a bit of lipstick on it and specs. It's me. But imagine, but now I had a huge claw in your tooth. But imagine if they were cute, how much more deadly they actually would be. And that's where the sexy legs come in.

Cause we do it is clearly an evolutionary thing, isn't it? They've developed the legs of a sexy 70s B movie starlet complete with the fishnet stockings and the retrograde attitudes. That's what makes them so dangerous. But if you look deep into that eye, you can see it's a kind of, you need the expression they have on their face. Maybe you're looking back in time, aren't you? We're looking to the heart of the 1970s, aren't you? Yeah. A creature whose pulse will not raise a jot as it pulls your spleen out of your ass.

With its foot. It would have the pulse rate of someone reading a sort of cozy crime novel throughout Just just just calm at peace. Yeah, watching with some murders or something. It's in full over teen mode You're looking into the prehistoric times that you in its face. It's got that cold reptilian It saw the first mushroom. It's all the first mushroom and it decided not to eat it because there was a baby panda next to it. Decided to have a panda strong enough. I thought, yeah, I need a new welcome mat. The thing which I find terrifying about it is it actually looks a bit scared itself.

The thing which I find terrifying about it is it actually looks a bit scared itself. Do you know what I mean? And I think that's where the true terror of its violence comes from, is that it's from an era where everyone is trying to eat everyone all the time. I mean, London is a dog eat dog place. Jurassic era Earth, everyone is a predator, everyone is prey. It's a kind of perpetual panic. And this creature is currently in its snack phase, isn't it? It's brief, dangerous snack phase.

Yeah. And it resents that phase. Yeah. When it reaches adulthood. It's a kill or be killed sort of mentality whereby it has to take you out before you take it out, which makes it even more terrifying. It's not doing it out of sadism as such. Even if you were just trying to feed it some seed.

Yeah, it'll bite your arm off. Yeah, it has to be on the safe side. It'll bite your arm off up to the ear. Just to be safe. Well, let's say best of luck to the people of Burton on the Water. Well done Burton on the Water. Your hubris has put everything we value at risk. This is an email from Beth. Hello Beth.

Hi Beth. Dear Beans, I hope you are well rested after your summer break. I however am not well rested after a very strange dream I had last night. It began with me joining a far left collective, which met in the drama block of my old secondary school. While the group's aims were laudable, the people were absolute tossers. I can't work out if this is the dream or is this the real this bit? This is the dream I think. This is the dream. of my old secondary school. While the group's aims were laudable, the people were absolute tossers. I can't work out if this is the dream or is this the real this bit?

This is the dream I think. This is the dream. Okay. We had to sit in a circle on the floor and share our experience. But there was a set of complex and contradictory rules surrounding the whole thing and I was evidently doing everything wrong. The mood was hostile until Henry Packer, who seemed to be the founding member of the collective, walked in and sits down next to me in the circle. He is welcoming and friendly and chastises

the group for their attacks on me, then talks me through the nonsensical rules. As I always do, I log this dream in my dream app on my phone and use the new AI interpret function. No way. Blimey. That sounds dangerous. So the app came up with this. This is its interpretation of that dream. Henry Packer appears in your dream as a figure of kindness and support amid chaos and confusion. Henry Packer stands out as a beacon of calm and friendliness. Henry's role in your dream suggests that he is a stabilising force in your subconscious. Oh gosh.

Oh god, Beth. Representing empathy, comfort and reassurance. Oh, you're in real trouble, my friend. Don't build your house on me, either physically or metaphorically. Blimey. So I'm an important part of the sidekick makeup of this person. Of Beth, yeah. Of Beth. And I'm having a positive role, it sounds like you represent reassurance, empathy and

comfort is should that be an extra tier? Do you think providing psychological sort of ballast? The ID tier, the ID tier. I've become a fundamental part of a psychic makeup. Yeah, that feels like it's a yeah, I'd be very careful, Beth, You want to see a therapist and get a sort of psychic extraction, where you can extract me and replace me with a more solid psychological, a more sturdy archetype. And that can be done electronically or with incantations. That's right, yeah. So you've got various different options.

And in terms of people you want to replace Henry with, I'm thinking Monty Don. Strong choice. Strong choice. Lovely choice. Because it's, um, you w she's using a sort of architectural model for her, for her psyche or we are, you probably want a couple of foundations. You want Monty Don at one end. You probably want someone else. Michelle Hussain.

Michelle Hussain. Very strong. Top tier BBC journalist. Monty Don's dog. For a bit of fun. Just for a bit of fun. Yeah. It'll make, it'll make Monte happier.

Yeah. And a couple of Grenadier guards at the other, the other corners. You've been good. Change. That helps Beth. Yeah. Yes. Hope that helps Beth.

But also feel free to keep me as a kind of accessory at the top, at the top of the house, like a, like a, a weathervane, like a weathervane. helps Beth. But also feel free to keep me as a kind of accessory at the top at the top of the house. Like a like a weathervane, like a weathervane. So you could you could probably for an extra not wouldn't cost that much probably to get hypnotist to have you psychologically spatchcocks and waterproofed. Spatchcocked, waterproofed, varnished, probably a triple varnish. And put on a spike. I'll probably have an expression, facial expression of sort of rictus terra. But I'll be hard to see from ground level.

Don't worry about that too much. It's all about the foundations. Ed emails. Hello beans. I recently had a complicated wisdom tooth extraction. I've had that. Oh dear, horrible. And the dentist told me I'd have three days in bed. Well that's not so bad. Every cloud.

Oh my god. God, you... I'm so sorry. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I quickly maxed out on codeine and paracetamol, and yet the horror continued. I begged my pharmacist for something stronger but they said I couldn't have any more. I just had

to sit and endure this terrible moment, and the next, and the next, until it all passed. The surgery meanwhile was a success, and I was back on my feet in no time! Very good, very very good. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, the old switcheroo. Okay, yes, I see what you're saying. Yeah, you're saying that what? I thought you were trying to say that. Oh, he's gone the other way around. He means that, oh, that's what he meant. What he said before wasn't actually... I thought now he's gone the other way around with it. Oh god.

It's the old switcheroo. I mean I saw it coming a mile off but does that actually help? It can do I think sometimes. It's certainly an acceptable trope of the switcheroo ooo vrrrrr. We don't mark it down for that do we? No no no. Well sometimes it can be ballsy. It's a ballsy one where you show us what you're doing, but it's no less powerful for it.

That's right. Yeah. A full three day one as well, and the full back catalogue as well. He stepped up the switcheroo dis, hasn't he, to his credit there. He's not dishing out the same gruel as we've had in the past. The switcheroo, are they always at our expense? Does it have to be that? It does have to be, but it'd be nice to see one coming in that's not at our expense. Yeah, yeah. Your badge is in the mail.

Yes. Congratulations, Ed. I'm giving it an eight. There is no badge. Feels like it's worth putting that in as a... There is no badge. It feels like it's worth putting that in as a people have got confused about some some some you know, less confusing things in that in the past about the one some people didn't think Jesse Plemons was real. That was exactly. Some people think that Ben sounds bald.

We're starting to do the acoustics. So I think yet there is there is no badge. There could be a badge. We can't claim to have not thought of the idea because we mentioned it the whole time, but we've actively chosen It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon.com. Thanks for everyone who signed up on our Patreon. Thank you. Patreon.com. There are various tiers at the Sean Bean tier. You've got a shout out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge. You certainly do. Where Mike was last night?

I was, yeah. Of course. And it was a bit of a smelly one last night, wasn't it? I mean, that happens from time to time. Sure. It was the old Bathing in Hot Squid Ink night. It certainly was. Thank you, Ben. Real pong fest. Here's my report. It was the old bathing in hot squid ink contest at the Sean Bean Lounge last night,

with squid ink generously provided by Stephen de Groot's Jumbo Sea Ranch for genetically engineered mega squid and anything under the water that's bigger than a dock. Liz Watkin and Sam Jam milked the squid with the aid of No Shout Outpleases patented squid-teet suction trumpet, while Angel Brooks, Hazel Rose and Olly Rea supervised the ink heating using vats made from the dental fillings of y'all who got on the wrong side of Deanna Thomas, and heat from unstable uranium from James Fowbox magma mime hidden deep beneath the Main Street bus station of Moose Jaw Saskatchewan. Dan Owens unwisely chose to bathe first and offered up a flawless, albeit unflashy, breaststroke. His immediate regret was palpable, however, when this was followed by Gemma Jay, Natalie

Newman, Nathan Kindred, Kieran Lavery, Brandon Medford, Robin Dalton Chase, James Lane, Johnny Lay and Matt Thomas, performing an outstanding synchronised squid ink swim recreating the school days of Angela Lansbury, set to the music of the Pogues, played by Mark Melville and Taylor Dodrell on Squid Ink Snorkels. It was an act that was tough to follow, but Angel is, Owen Hanrahan and Intellectrution did admirably by peppering their skin with tiny wounds, submerging themselves in the squid ink and re-emerging with perfect tattoos which, when they stood in the correct configuration, made it appear that Sean Bean's right leg was draped across their midriffs. Ollie Bolton forgot to take his boots off to bathe, sank and couldn't be retrieved,

while Paul Wignall and Ahmed El-Husseini dissolved and Sam Bunce was oxidised. Paul Hollingsworth and Eddie misjudged the mood by washing themselves and were booed off before they'd had a chance to rinse off their silky shine conditioner. Greta Menke and Jay were caught trying to cool the tub down with ice-cold soy ink and taken to the Sean Bean Re-indoctrination suite. Grauman Holst, Andy, Holly and Matt H all forgot which locker was theirs and, at the time of writing, are waiting for the next moonless night so they can return home with their ink-stained bodies, teeth and eyeballs undetected. Sam Pickett and Will Entwistle were line-caught by Hazel C, gutted by Dan A.B. and lightly

seared on each side by Tim Le Chirse, with a little butter and a sprig of parsley harvested from the inside bits of Tom Tullow's elbows. At close of play, Kizzer was declared overall winner and recipient of the Golden Cephalopodan Anal Siphon for breaking the hot squid ink, breath-holding and escapology record, while Kieran Ireland, Eric Berlingame and Lewis D Dee kept twatting about on jet skis and were fed to a standard-sized cuttlefish which took literally all night. Thanks all. OK, that's the show. We'll finish off with a theme tune sent in by Oneyulot. This is from Kitty. Hello Kitty. Hi Kitty. Dear beans, I call this ear mare the three bean ice cream theme.

I've stuck a flake in it and called it done, but it has an unsettling quality that makes me think it should never have been made. Is it a creepy ice cream van sound? That's one of the most terrifying blood curdling sounds there is, the tune played by an ice cream van. Then she's written hashtag monkeys blood hashtag rumpled stilt scream. Wow. So, gosh, let's see what this is thanks kitty

and thanks everyone for listening thank you very much goodbye Oh God God Almighty Oh God Oh, God. Oh, God. I'm imagining a little cassowary dressed as a little as a little Victorian baby cassary in an old cassary in a little pram. Yeah. Or dressed as the ice cream salesman. He's just killed. Oh, Kitty, that's going to stay with me. Chilling stuff. Absolutely horrifying. Horrifyingly brilliant.