Three Bean Salad - Non-episode Beanorandum Episode

Episode Date: February 2, 2022

No normal episode of Three Bean Salad this week (we're away until March), but if you want to listen to new bonus episodes you can sign up to our PATREON at www.patreon.com/threebeansalad

I've got an electric radiator in this room because I've said before it's impossible to hit. No one likes a bragger, mate. Come on. It's one thing after another with you, isn't it? I'm just saying, got three, well, four temperature settings. Well, it's easy for you to say that when we can't see it. We've been making this all up. It's got four temperature settings if you include zero.

Have you ever seen one of these babies? What a small radiator. Someone holding up a small radiator is like that. It looks like you're about to hurl it into a bath of an enemy. It's quite a high risk murder method, though, that, isn't it? Because are you taking it wherever you go? Plugging it in in Costa next to your phone charger. I tell you what, I've been tempted.

It's been so cold in Costa recently because, by the way, something's happened in Costa because they're trying to get rid of you. Something's happened in Costa. How new packers cost a diary? Entry 4,337. Now, something's happened in Costa, which is, basically, they've done an entire staff change. They've all gone overnight.

It's terrifying. I went in yesterday, actually, and it's an entirely new sort of, I suppose they did the same kind of thing with submarines. At some point, everyone goes on leave, whatever, and you've got a whole new bunch of them. They can air it out. Do you think all the staff are on shore leave somewhere? Well, it'll be the other way around.

So they'll be on sea leave, won't they? The staff will be. Yeah, they'll be back on submarines or warships. Do you think Costa's operating a 24-hour deterrent? It's possible. Well, so hang on. All the staff have been replaced overnight. They've all gone, anyway.

The weird thing is, I keep wanting to show them the ropes, because they actually know the place a lot more than they do now. For example, today, someone asked one of them, have you got a baby change room? And she said, no. And can you imagine the extent to which my eyes were rolling? My eyes were just doing, like, pirouettes. You just needed to tell us to give you six minutes

to take your pottery wheel off. That'd be rude. I said, actually, I'm using it as a kiln at the moment. By all means walk in, but it's going to hurt. Don't turn on the light, otherwise you'll ruin my photos. Yeah, so it's all changed at Costa. Same great prices, though. Same great prices.

Same rubbish food. Same surprisingly good panettonis. I had one today. Hang on a minute. Fuck, I think I bought one today, but I don't remember eating it. I didn't buy it in the end. But you did eat it.

You just got the wrong way around. That'll be it. And again, they looked a bit annoyed, but again, I explained the action ropes. I'm kind of a big deal around here, guys. You're going to have to get to know what's what. It's basically a cycle here where I infuriate the staff so much that within about six months,

they all request a transfer. And go and live on a submarine. Where they might have no Wi-Fi and be away from their friends and loved ones for up to two years at a time. But at least they won't have to watch a man eating panettonis straight off the shelf. Do you get a sense of where they've come from? I think they've come from another costa

because they do seem to know the principles. They've probably been to the education camp, haven't they? Yeah, they've got that dead look in their eyes. Maybe they've recruited the best of the best. Maybe these guys are the most battle-tested costa veterans in the nation. Could be. Yes.

And they've sent them in to the problem costa. One thing I will tell you is yesterday was their first day, or brand new. I didn't have the heart to get an external sandwich or whatever. I didn't have my usual pasta salad. So I did try there. It was a Korean noodle. Panettoni.

Iced coffee in panettoni. You can do anything. I've always said this. You can serve any food within the panettoni. There's nothing that can't be panettoni'd. And when you bite through that soft Italian spongy dough and hit on that harsh Korean barbecue sauce, that hot chili gyoza.

It really does something to you. So you went to costa for Korean noodles. An absolutely mad sentence. It's the only way short of being in the beating heart of Seoul itself. If you want to enjoy Korean food, get yourself down to costa. They do do a Korean noodle thing weirdly. This company is sick.

It's a sick company. It's one of the signs. I think it's one of the last days of Rome signs that your company is about to go down. It's become too fat on it. It starts offering Korean noodles. Right. They're too fat on there.

It's because that's this hubris. They think they can pull off anything. Henry, I don't think this is a costa at all. I think this is entirely been set up by the experimental psychology departments of Imperial College London. And they are watching you. You are someone's PhD.

Let's see how he'll react to the Korean noodles. And it's classic PhD. He just can't finish it off. That's what keeps on going on year after year. Big days that we're going to change all the staff and see what happens. See if he snaps. Have you noticed that there's like a little bottle on the wall

when you suck on it and it tastes of cocaine? Yes. And every time you do it, like a light goes off. I like that one. Yeah. Interesting. It's never bothered you that every single day you have to get out through the same little maze of tubes.

And you have to shag a sort of parade of female rats. That's right. And I always choose them according to which light went off early. What's wrong with that? Yeah. No, or it could be that they're being trained for a mission to Mars. Because obviously that will be very annoying when it being on a mission to Mars,

having to walk around the corridors day after day of the spaceship getting really, really bored. Because it'll take years. Right. And because obviously there's always going to be one decade, right? That's good. So they need someone so really irritating. They have to budget for the possibility of a stir-way ticket

and just have a free coffee. It was just sit in the corner of the spaceship and work. And plug his phone in. It's got a tub of work full of manky old pasta with it. They have to prepare for that adventure out because there's so much money invested in these things, guys. They have to prepare for that. Somebody's unplugged the oxygen pump.

Oh, God, it's that guy's plugging his iPhone 11 again. Someone's going into the toilet at five past six and he's fooled as well. The spaceship closes for the night at six every night on the dot. I tell you what I know. So what happened with the noodles is, because I knew this was her first day. She got the noodle pot off the shelf

and she was kind of looking at it and she clearly was feeling a bit disoriented. I know what it's like that first day on a new job. So I said, Hey, kid. Hey, Greenhorn. I've got your back. We've all been there.

You're on the start of a long journey and she's just going to believe. Now, I said, I think you're supposed to microwave it. Oh, no, I said, are you going to microwave it? My worry was because the plastic bowl that she was going to put it in the thing. She was going to flame roast it. I was worried because there is actually,

there's a microwave there, but there's also a very, very hot and sort of quick acting oven, which is what they use for the, okay. So you're back, you're back seat noodling. No, I was essentially, I think I was genuinely worried that she might put it in the tested sandwich maker. Because that's, because there's two things you heat up in.

Poor woman has been noodlesplained. I was back seat noodlesplaining her. I basically, you know, I wasn't sure if she really knew her way around all this stuff. And frankly, I think they have to learn it on the job to a degree. So they need, you know, it's nice to have a friendly face like me. And she went, she went, yeah, no, that's fine. I was going to be microwave it.

So it turned out it was fine. She knew what she was doing. But I think knowing that I was there didn't do any harm. Anyway, I took the prick. And, but do you want to know how the, how the Korean noodles were? Yeah, come on. Do you want to guess? Absolutely rank.

It smelled like it somehow managed to have, because I smelled it. Like we obviously sniff anything before you eat it. And it, I was expecting my nostrils to be, to be transported, you know, across the globe to, you know, a world of hot, exciting chili spices and all those lovely Korean flavors. But the smell I got was basically institutional British sort of cabbage cuisine. Do you know what I mean?

Like so that anywhere where cabbages or greens are being boiled in big quantities. So like NHS canteens, the army probably. Do you know what I mean? Like big scale cabbage boiling. Ballstool cabbage. Ballstool cabbage. Yeah. I mixed up it with the fork, but it's, yeah, what it wasn't like, right?

So you're Henry, you're essentially the cost of coffee equivalent of, you know how every pub has got just like one old guy who just sits at the end of the bar and sort of talks to the barmaid and she has to be polite because he's going to be there all day. So she can't time to fuck off. But everyone else knows that she would like nothing more than to like kick him in the cock pushing him into traffic. Actually, no, weirdly, because I've been, I've made a point of being quite, actually generally quite chilly and not chilly, but distant with the staff.

I don't, I don't want them to get too close because I don't want them to get her. So you've been aloof with the previous stuff? I've been there every day. I've been eating my own food. I've been aloof, I'm courteous, but aloof. It's a bit like on holiday. You're courteous to the, you know, if there's people in the room next door to you and you bump into them on the first day down on the way down to breakfast, you're courteous,

but aloof. You don't start a chat because then you're locked in, you know what I mean? Obviously to conversation with those people for the rest of the holiday. You're now on holiday with Jan and Ian. Exactly. And no one wants that. And before you know it, you're sharing the cost of a taxi to the palace of Knossos. Dinner every night at the swimming pool.

Yeah, okay. And just constantly getting tossed off by Ian. I've made a point of being courteous, but what I always thought was, they think, I always thought that guy in the corner, he's always there working, eating his own food. You know, he's courteous. He doesn't talk to us that much. You know, they don't think you're working, don't you?

What do you think? They just think you're there for the Wi-Fi. They think you haven't told your wife you've lost your job. And so it's going now every day. Bye, darling. Off to work. Yeah. Back to the Ministry of Defence again.

Won't run itself. Back to you. I think it turns out that they didn't, yeah. Because I think they said goodbye to quite a few, quite some of the other customers. They didn't say goodbye to me. I overheard that they were all leaving. None of them actually told me. I'm always a bit wounded.

I'm sorry, Henry. Henry. Man, it's fine. I should, I suppose I... Yeah. Well, I thought, in a way, I thought that was better. The saddest thing about it is that you're surprised. That's what they did.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, Henry. We should probably let the listeners know that there's no episode this week. And they'll be back in March. Yes, this isn't an episode. Yeah. Cinepada pipe, whoever it is.

That's it. This is not Sucinepahun peep. Yeah, that's what I meant to say. Yeah, which means this is not an episode of Three Bean Salads. It's just a pic, but it's a painting of one by Belgian surrealists. That's right. Yes, no proper episode this week. We're having our leisurely month off.

We're back in March. But we thought we'd pop up just to tell you that you can, of course, listen to some new bonus episodes if you sign up at our Patreon. Fresh, fresh, hot and fresh. This is true. Two new bonus episodes. Is there? Yeah.

Big one and a little one. Big one and a little one. Big one, all sorts of extra bits. And miscellany. Little one is, of course, ways of seeing with Henry Packer. That's right, we made a little documentary, didn't we? Yeah, in which Henry kind of explains the theory of perspective. Art.

But it kind of covers the entire history of visual art, doesn't it? I think so. Yeah, it's pretty comprehensive. So Three Bean Salad Extra Beans, which is a podcast of extra bits and miscellany. That will already be up if you join Patreon. Or if you're a Patreon member already, they'll be there for you to download. And then in about a week's time, I think, ways of seeing with Henry Packer will be up.

Yeah. And thanks very much to those who've supported. Yeah, very much so. Yes, thank you so much. Another wonderfully insincere thank you so much from Henry there. Oh, God. Or insincere sounding. I know it is sincere.

That's the thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hang on. The thing is, you know, because if I'm sincere, Ben, I make myself vulnerable. That's a, that's a trouble with people like me. You see, if I'm sincere, I'm making myself vulnerable. And I'll basically start gushing and I might not stop.

Let's shut this down then quickly. You don't want to see that. But also, I feel like you might, there's a danger that you'll transfer your emotions, that you're feeling towards your, your absent friends from Costa. That's true. Into this bit of emotion. And before you know it, you'll be going, where are the lovely Costa staff?

Yeah. Let's let Henry have a few weeks off to grieve. We'll let you have a few weeks off to grieve and then then we'll return. And we don't want to hear another thing about it. Chin up now. Henry. I'm sorry, captain. I mean father.

I mean corporal. I mean Mrs. Miggins. Mrs. Johnson. What? Yeah. Thank you very much for listening. And, you know, spread the word. If you fancy, don't if you don't.

But mostly, thanks very much. It's time to pay the ferryman. Okay, so we'll see you in March before then. Let's let's play a listener provided theme tune. Why not? We've got so many of them now and they're all fabulous. Henry, will you give me a number between one and 12?

Four. Okay, this theme is from Jonathan from York. He says, Hello Beans. As a teenager, I tried to make it as a dubstep producer. It didn't quite work out. And I'm now a robotics engineer. Wouses. But I thought I'd bust out the old laptop again

and fire up a glitch hop version of your theme. Wow. Amazing. Hope you like it. Thank you. P.S. I'd be very happy to arrange a 20% discount from my company, Labman Automation. If any of the beans ever want to invest in a bespoke robot.

Wow. Thank you, Jonathan. Thanks all. Cheerio. Thanks. Bye.