Three Bean Salad - Non-episode caretaker abeyance-isode

Episode Date: May 1, 2024

No normal episode of Three Bean Salad this week (we're away until June).Join our PATREON at patreon.com/threebeansalad for bonus episodes.

Hello. And welcome to another normal episode of Three Beans Salad, no. No, because of course Three Beans Salad is the only podcast where the hosts require a full month off after every two months of broadcasting. I think we are definitely the only podcast to do that. It's our USP. It's like farming. You put the cows in the field for two months, then you let the cows have a month off.

They do other work. Leave the cows in fallow. You leave the cows in fallow, they stop being cows, don't they? They go off and... Yeah, they focus on some of their own personal projects. Writing some of the more coherent policies that we get from our current government. Eh? What? current government. Hey, what? I think Henry suggesting that the government policies are written by cows and that explains why they're so poor. Oh, I see.

I thought for a second, Henry was suggesting that on his month off, he's one of the main policy wonks for the, for the current government. Mike, don't, don't blow my cover. Um, uh, yeah, we're not here. Um, we're not here. Sorry. It's not an episode. This is not an episode. I can't blow my cover. Yeah, we're not here. We're not here, sorry. It's not an episode. This is not an episode. Long time listeners will know the drill by now.

We have May Off every year. We do. Any plans? I'll mainly be writing stuff for the next series really. I certainly like to prepare. So I'll be creating... Obviously the banter is... You can't predict the banter.

Yeah, but everything you say is heavily heavily scripted. It really is. It is because I what I do is I can work in what I call chat what is chat patterns, it's banter schematics, I can create essentially flexible structures, algorithms, but it's algorithms is balanced. It's algorithmic. I'm using some AI technology in there, which can then be adapted according to what the topic is, because it's so it's um, yeah, it's fluid structure.

Because Mike, I don't know how you do it, but I've, I've decided in May, I'm, I'm taking a, a leaf out of Henry's book and I'm actually putting together a writer's room. Uh, okay. So, so far I've got, um, Bernie Torpin. Yep. Yeah. And that's just me.

It's just me and Bernie Torpin. So you've really gone, you've gone high end. Yes. I mean, he's not been, it's been hard to get him like on the right page. He's writing a lot of songs, which is. It sounds expensive though. Well, that'll be a nice change. I mean, that's why been, it's been hard to get him like on the right page. He's writing a lot of songs, which is, it sounds expensive though. Well, that'd be nice change. I mean, that's why I use for all my stuff. I just use very obscure passages from the old Testament.

You do, don't you? Yeah. That's why you often, you often say things like salt the earth. Exactly. Yeah. It's usually my contribution to any, any topic is a suggestion to salt the earth. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we've all got our own. Freeze me up. It means a you know, I've got a lot of spare time. Yeah. Come May. Whereas you guys will be working away. Well, Bernie's gonna be working on my behalf here. So of course, Bernie hasn't actually done anything in the

public has he since um, has he he since his previous things that he's done basically what I'm saying is who is Bernie Torpin? Oh Bernie Torpin is Elton John's lyricist. Oh yes that's right. It's quite an extraordinary thing though because apparently Bernie just delivers the song wholesale yeah and then Elton never changes anything about it and will fit a tune to it. Nice. Which I think leads to a few little bits where it's like, you probably could have, whenever I listen to Austin John,

there's always the old bit where you go, you could have made that scan a bit more easily, couldn't you? But I think they just respect each other's craft. It's like you do the words, I'll do the song and we'll never meet. Isn't that weird though? Because for me, I would imagine that songwriting is much more of a kind of fluid process. You go, do ba do ba do, da ba da ba da, do ba do ba do, da ba da ba da da, I love you and you love me, together we formed a family, do ba do ba do, and we're living in a tree, because I'm a monkey and so is he. Monkey monkey monkey monkey times, we are monkeys.

Listen to my rhymes. Do you know what I mean? But that's why Rocketman has so far been considerably more successful than Monkey Times. Monkey Times! Mike, that was incredible. Do you know that bit in Get Back where you watch Paul McCartney sort of pull the song Get Back out of his arse? That was basically that. So, you're saying that Monkey Times was just like that, he just started singing Monkey

Times and that's how he wrote Monkey Times. Yeah, apparently there's a recording of it. As if channeling God himself. But hang on, so how could he have known that's not how could he have known that how could even because that song is a perfect metaphor. Despite you managed to rhyme tree with he just that. Because I tried to rhyme tree the other day with something to me hours. You know, you know, like, I saw I saw quite a good thing online the other day about one, you know, a, what's it called the people that just make up the song lyrics in a battle? Like a rap battle? Yeah, a rap battle. Is that what it's called?

Yeah, if they're rapping. There's another name for it, I think. Wordplay? Street word of mouth. I challenge you to a wordplay. Yeah, I wonder how they do it. You know, there's those like rap battles. Yeah. Straight off the dome.

That's what they say. But I basically I've got a theory, which is, and it's basically, I think they use the same, it's sort of slightly more cool version, but it's basically uses the same sort of techniques as they used in, um, whose line is it anyway? Did I mean when they make up songs, improv improv, isn't it? I've just got a theory that the way they do it is because sometimes it's amazing. I saw an online was incredibly like he's just been given the century. The top is it is sort of like, it's a bit like three bean salad in many ways.

But he's given a, um, a topic he does. It is very impressive. It's amazing freestyle. That's what it is, isn't it? Freestyle. But I've got a theory that there's a technique which is something to do with you choose the word you're, you're rhyming the word you're getting to. Yeah, you choose that and then you, you, you, you sort of artificially manufacture the thing it's going to rhyme with, but you put that first if you would I mean I mean like so people often ask me how did you come up with monkey times you're looking at a tree so for example you go okay basically give me a topic for it for a rap

I'm not going to do a rap but give me a cut topic for a freestyle bleach Um, bleach. If this theory is right, it'll work. Okay. Um, okay. John likes to drop a beat. Cause it's going to be horrifically cringe-worthy, but basically I'm struggling with beach, so I think it's possible. My theory isn't doesn't work. It was bleach.

You could run it with beach. Okay. Ble doesn't work. It was bleach. Brian, it would be okay, bleach, okay, bleach. Um, okay. I'm going to the supermarket feeling expectant. I think I'm going to buy myself some disinfectant. Right. That's good. What have you proven though? Well, you said bleach, right? So I... Are you just explaining to us the process of thinking, which happens to all of us almost every moment of the day? I know, but no one's ever analyzed how it works. And if I can get this point across, people will become very self-conscious about it and won't be able to think anymore.

And it could finally... You are the brother. It could accelerate the crap. Yes, once we get rid of the thoughts, it won't be long before we're just walking side by side. You have them. It could accelerate the crab. Once we get rid of the thoughts, it won't be long before we're just walking sideways. You are the big crab. Yeah.

So now what I did was you said bleach. So I thought, what's a word to do with bleach disinfectant. So I thought that's going to be my second one. Okay. Yeah. I'm going to end on that. And that's the bit where the crowd go. Whoa Wow Very dreamy you did that very very quiet

We were doing it inwardly yeah, but absolutely Yeah, because you've gone that you put that second then then you just come up with whatever you need to get there So so I came up with I'm feeling expectant, which isn't that impressive? But the fact is I'm gonna end on disinfectant which is relevant. So that's going to get the whooping, that's going to get me. I think you're right. Actually, I think I do quite high up, high up in the scene potentially. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Well, good luck, Henry. I'm going to give you another one.

Give me another one. Yeah. Um, CCTV. Okay. Um, I'm going to the shop. I'm feeling expectant. I'm gonna I'm gonna still still gonna buy some disinfectant but under the gaze of CCTV In fact in a CCTV world, okay now hang on um This is TV too hard. Maybe it is it's quite hard. Yeah, okay Mike. Can you can you give Henry? Kashmir Kashmir. Okay. Okay Okay, Mike, can you, can you give Henry cash me cash? Okay.

Okay. Um, yeah, I mean, I've lost interest. I'm not, I'm not going to, I'm not going to become big in the, whatever it's called scene I've changed my mind. What a journey. Rap battles losses our game. Yeah. See you in a month.

Yeah. So we're not here for the month. If you want some more 3 Bean Salad, of course, there's our Patreon with lots of bonus episodes from the past three years. baitron.com forward slash 3 Bean Salad. Yes please. For that. Cheerio. People are telling me that I've lost my edge because I only buy jumpers with a high wool percentage.

Bye. Bye. edge because I only buy jumpers with a high wall percentage.