Three Bean Salad - Not an episode non-episode episode

Episode Date: May 3, 2023

No normal episode of Three Bean Salad this week (we're away until June).Join our PATREON at patreon.com/threebeansalad for bonus episodes.

Oh, it is the merry month of May, the very, very, very month of May, the very, very month of May, the very, very month of May. During which we are making merry ourselves, but off air. So this is not an episode, therefore, it's merely a little heads up that there's no three bean salad now or throughout May. In the same way that anyone with a job or any profession will know that you take one third of the months off, don't you? That's how you otherwise be able to bolt it onto that is the fact that, of course, May

is the fifth month and we have a natural aversion to working on the fifth of anything if we can help it. Exactly. So we've discussed Henry and Mike are both going to the coronation. So that's going to take up quite a lot of time and then coming down from that's going to be pretty hard on you, too, I think. It's going to be a big come down. I mean, because it's so much anticipation, isn't it?

Because Mike, you've been storing the, was it three different sacred oils, isn't it? You've had to... Well, I've got this, I've got the SEPTA polishing gig now. Yeah. Are you polishing the SEPTA? Oh, well done. Thanks. Nice.

Beforehand and throughout the coronation and then the rest of my family will be dulling it afterwards. It has to be dulled immediately after he's been anointed as king. Yes. Yeah. Okay. Otherwise if it was stolen then someone else could theoretically set in the eyes of God and like themselves.

If they've got their hands on the shiny SEPTA then, yeah, he's going to write. And then you're looking at immediate civil war. Which we could do without at the moment. Yeah. Yeah. It's not what we need. No, because Britain, you know, we haven't had a civil war in the era of PayPal. A lot of people say that PayPal is the one thing preventing civil war.

And we've also not, I don't think, had a civil war in the era of stainless steel forks. That's true. Which is what everyone will be arming themselves with. And obviously it seemed like a huge bonus for humanity. It has done for decades that it's... But stuff them in a blunderbuss and fire them at someone and you've got a different story. Yeah. Yeah.

And same goes for garlic crushers, cheese graters. The country is now armed to the teeth in civil war terms. Well, we've been going, yeah, there's been a fork race going on for years, hasn't there? I've certainly been a massing stainless steel forks. And you picture a medieval civil war. I mean, they bite your arm off to get access to the kind of utensils that even your average kitchen has. Add to that, you know, licorice pans, smoked kettles.

It's going to be ugly, isn't it? I'm actually, I'm going away out of the country for some of May. And I'm in a bit of a dilemma at the moment. I'm travelling hand luggage only. Well, it's easier to spread word of the new king that way, isn't it? If you're travelling light. Yeah, you need to be light on your feet. And the bag is just full of pamphlets.

I'm tiny flags. Yeah. And I bought myself a spork, a travel spork. But I was thinking, well, will it get taken off me in security? Could I spork my way into the cockpit and then spork the pilot? That's not what I want to do with a spork. Oh, let us know. Yeah, it does seem like a high risk item, doesn't it?

In the right hands. A spork could be deadly. I once took some razor blades to hand luggage in an airport in Germany and they, I got taken to another room. It was bad. It was bad vibes. The trouble with the spork is you can, you have to, you sort of, do you cut and then prod?

Because obviously with a knife and fork you cut prod, cut prod. Don't you at the same time? You can just prod and scoop, I think. You prod and scoop, do you? Well, so a spork is a spoon and a fork. That's scoop and prod. A scoop and scoop. But the one I've bought has got a serrated edge.

So it's actually a... A spork. A spife. A spife. A spife. A spife. A spife. A spife.

A spife. A spife. A spife. A spife. A spife. A spife. A spife. A spife.

A spife. A spife. A spife. A spife. A spife. A spife. A spife. A spife.

A spife. A spife. A spife. A humane. A humane. A humane. A humane. A humane.

Guess my causing... No, that's okay, it's okay. This maybe an 오케이 a humane. But the last thing I should do is definitely come. Yeah. This- This. Excuse me.

By dividing up the usual cut prod scoop of having a knife and fork in each hand spoon in each hand and each of you three hands And you how about having to catch up in your prehensile tail How about by just take just breaking that Giving you only one one interaction point with the foods He has to do those things what you have to do have to do the slice then I have to reset Then I have to do the prod they have to reset again Then I do the skewer then just by breaking it up like that. It completely takes the joy out of eating a meal

But also it leaves me with one idle hand it does during the meal and I'm going to wave a tiny flag Yeah, good idea. Yeah I've also got a pen knife. Can you take a pen knife on a plane? Probably not Well, I always you can't take a pen on a plane The other part of that word is the one you need to examine a bit more rigorously my gun Can I take my gun on the plane? What about your four kilos of plastic, can you take them? Yeah, what about your gnawk, which is your gun Which is also a knife and a fork

Plants for May anything exciting on the horizon I don't think I've got anything interesting planned for May at all probably just re reacquaint myself with some of the great works of English Literature expect. Yeah Yeah Stuff probably think think deeply About the implications of artificial intelligence on the arts You know, yeah

And obviously I'll just be practicing for the podcast. That's what I do is It's 95% practice and training isn't it and 3% diet. Yeah, what people hear is the Yeah, of an effortberg. Yeah, be always spending a month Plugging a headphone jack into a side of your laptop pulling it back out again, plug it back in again Yeah, plug it back in, plug it out. And Just getting that motion As smooth as possible. So it's it's almost effortless now, you know, almost you don't think about it

So, yes, we're not we're not we're not here for May if you'd like to hear More three bean salad, you can go to our patreon if you're not already a patreon member Where there is a vast back catalogue of bonus episodes that you won't be able to hear anywhere else And why not just sink into that like a deep warm bath. Yeah of lukewarm banter Yum yum yum Just take some me time Yeah, like a candle. Just just do the guff. It's underwater do it Do the guff. It's fun. It's fun. It's fun. Gov into the lukewarm guff

But yeah, so until June Summer, I mean, it's a big vibe shift into summer. Yeah, when we come back, it's gonna be It's gonna be smelling. It's gonna be suntan cream. It's gonna be shades isn't it? It's gonna be pineapple Sort of child everything's pineapple flavor. Everything's pineapple flavored It's samba podcasting. It's samba podcasting It's gonna be limbo isn't it? It's gonna be It's gonna be steel drums. It's gonna be Fun fun fun super fun cocktails

sandy sandy sandy cracks sandy volubles sandy volubles Soft top hindays Get that get the roof of your home die and worry about how you get it back on later. Just Get it off and get out Yeah, and here's a little taste of the kind of thing that happens in an extra beans bonus episode Here's a little clip from this month's which is a full one hour and 44 minutes long But here's a little clip enjoy Actually went to the new forest once twice

Yeah, it's very nice, isn't it? It's very nice. I couldn't believe it. I was driving through the new forest A million years away from where I grew up. How's it not? Portsmouth, isn't it? Yeah, it's all between Portsmouth and Southampton Ponies so many wild ponies mate. Not only they got wild ponies Ben. I was driving through the new forest once I couldn't believe what was going on around me They have got hogs. Yeah giant hogs wild giant hogs who

Slowly walk up and down the roadside Okay, and you stop the car and they sell you like sunglasses Key rings with pictures of Mike Wozniak on You get you basically obviously you stop the car where you pull in a garage you buy either Whether anything got to a BAP or maybe some some Warbottons What warbottons bagels And you take and you go up to the pig to the hog with and you try and just get it into a BAP obviously And you approach it with the two halves of the bank. It's a great workout. It's a great workout

But they um, they're so cute It's incredibly sweet to see a large hog snuffling around right and then what you do is you google. What are they doing? And you thought you thought it couldn't get any more adorable And then you find out what they're doing. You're looking for acorns. They're looking for acorns, which is just Yeah, that's so Wembley corn. It's so adorable looking for acorns Yeah, I wish I I want to tell you know what if I could take you home with me you big hog I wouldn't because it would be acorns

I'm gonna acorns and it's one of those things we think would be lovely to have the hog in the car I take the hog home and then event but then The hog it would start One road tragedy later How fast do you reckon on after putting a hog in your car and trying to take it home? Would it all go wrong? I don't think you get into second gear, frankly daddy daddy. Can we please take the hog? Oh, of course Daddy daddy, can we please take the hog in the car? Of course we can you're the golden child Just ring the gong and the hog

The golden child was wrong I Nothing to see But an abandoned hound I 10 I know way in the new forest with blood spattered windows on the inside I know that nature's red in toothing chlorine. You can't control these things but for common literally within five seconds He's defecating in the car. I mean I mean have some manners he's eating the bloody gear stick I

And suddenly I'm looking at the hog in the rear view mirror and he just isn't cute anymore He's actually disgusting a hog when it's in your own cars a hog is suddenly Uggly disgusting swarming your left arm hole. Yeah Takes the edge off the magic and so many teats. How many teats does one hog need? So patreon is the place you can listen to the rest of the episode Thanks for listening until next time. Goodbye. Goodbye cheerio