Three Bean Salad - Oats

Episode Date: July 26, 2023

It’s the last episode of the season so thank goodness Gavin (of Bremen most likely) furnished the beans with the humdinger zeitgiest chat-nip topic that is…oats! The beans lurch from the grain-of-now to trouser physics and back again all for YOUR listening pleasure. Summer good and summer true dear friends. Three Bean Salad shall return at Septembertide.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladLive-stream tickets for our live shows at London Podcast Festival:16th September: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/online-streaming-three-bean-salad-16-09/17th September: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/online-streaming-three-bean-salad-17-09/Get in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

It's a little technical problem man. We've had various technical problems haven't we over the years. This is the Royal Wii. It's the collective being Wii isn't it. Anything happens to one of us happens to all of us, anything that happens to all of us together happens to us all individually as well. Individual successes, collective failures. Very collective failure that one. Very collective failure that one technically, wasn't it? We did, you. Yeah, you could hear what I was saying. I couldn't hear what you were saying. But what happened was my headphones, so often it's a

comedically simple thing that's gone wrong, isn't it? So there was once when I, for example first had plugged in the thing far enough, do you remember that? Oh, very, very fondly. And, um, honestly, I mean, it's a cliche, but the old and off again thing, it's almost, it does apply a lot of the time, doesn't it? There's such sometimes I've been something so simple. And this time I plugged my head fins into the wrong aperture on my, um, on my didgy, on my didgy box, right?

But what I'd like to explain to you both is what happened there was I became flustered. You did have the look of a trap bird about you. That's what happens. I develop upside down swan vibes. You can see you futilely thrashing your legs in the air as the brain end of your drowns. Yeah. And that's what's happening there is my brain essentially shut down functions. All it has left is the thrashing function, which is the most primordial movement there is isn't it? Thrashing. It's useful for a fight or flight, isn't it?

You thrash an eye over. It's what you would do if you were put into a huge soup, you'd thrash about. So the primordial soup was essentially his organism's thrashing. To thrash is to be alive. The Amazon think of it over 5,000 billion thrashing movements per second. It's extraordinary. Sometimes I wake up in the night and I can always feel the thrashing. Endless, meaningless, constant thrashing. When we are born, constant thrashing. When we are born, we thrash.

And if you're unlucky, when you die, you also thrash. And in between, if you're lucky, we'll experience some consensual thrashing. No, it ain't me. We all live betwixt. The two great, unknown thrashings, don't we? Well, Henry, as an Arsenal fan, you're no stranger to thrashing Zoy. Oh, out.

Sport-bounded. Sport-bounded. Just when he was just getting over his fluster. Well, we might need a sport-bounded jingle, actually. Soft target. It's quite rare that we do it, but... Well, I do it. It's impactful, though. It's impactful. Oh, yeah. When I really know I'm flustered, is when I do it, it's impactful. It's impactful. Oh, yeah. When I really know I'm flustered is when I have to thought, I need to call Ben.

Well, that's one of the first signs. It's I need to call Ben. And when I'm having that thought while actually already talking to Ben, you know, it's going bad because things are getting so tense right there that Ben was trying to help me. I thought, I'm, I'm, I really only been to help me out with this interaction right now. And of course, there is a second AI Ben that you've created haven't you for that situation, but he's, he's still not very good. He's got, um, he's got loads of fingers, doesn't he? Yeah. And he's got them, the, the face and head of, of Glen Campbell for some reason. That's right. A sexy Glen Campbell, though. That's just a pun, I've no idea who Glen Campbell is. The soup for Magnaise.

Is that a ears? No, I was referring to the Wichita Line man country singer. You know what, that's a good song. That song gets puntered to me by Spotify a lot. I don't know why, I don't know what the algorithm has decided, but I quite often end up listening to this song about the witch Italian man is still down the line. It's a really good song.

It's very good. Is it about a guy who essentially works like doing like signals on trains or something? No. No. It's about a man maintaining electrical wires and telephone wires, I think. Wow. Is that improved for you or ruined it for you? I don't know.

It's quite a panicked. It's an amazingly unromantic job that he's turned into a very romantic sounding sort of ballad. I am a lineman for the county. Yeah. I don't know the song. I'm going to have to. You don't know the song which the lineman. A genuinely think it's...

It has the record as the most played song of the line man. I genuinely think it has the record as the most played song over the 20th century. Oh wow. The world wide. Is that why I chose that? Yeah, I have a dodge that. Feels like a very middle age song, doesn't it? Because it's very much not about romantic love

or like that kind of stage of life. It's a stage of life where you've got a, you just want a clear steady purpose. Yeah, yeah. A small but important part of the great machine. It is very romantic. Isn't it somebody who's maintaining the electrical infrastructure of the United States while thinking about

his love for his girl? But also maintaining the electrical infrastructure. Also crucially maintaining the infrastructure. You could say vital to the lifeblood of a country. A lot on his plate. So what are the lines, what are the line, electrical lines? Yeah. I mean, do we have lines men and lines women in this country? Yeah, we have big rubber gloves on.

I assume some say the big rubber boots. Pulling frisbees out of pile-ons all day long. I pulled another frisbee today. How can birds sit on the wires? Where do the birds by their rubber boots? Nobody will tell me. I can't believe Mike you've never heard it. This is weird. It is weird. It is weird. You have to get you to listen to it and then react to it live and put it out as a paint drop. Excellent. Because it sounds right up my street as well.

You'd love it. I think as soon as you hear it, you're all wrecking it. Foki Kansas Tale, is please. What have you been up to this week, Mike? On Thursday, I treated a new pair of walking boots. What do you trip me to? A pizza. Some protective leather spray and a lovely little brisk break-in walk. It's time for Provincial Dad Chat. Who's hid my bloody walking boots?

I'm not saying it's ruined the holiday, I'm just saying I asked for rum raisin. Get your skates on, get it otherwise we'll miss the inflatable session. She's taking her mother to see blood brothers, which means more top gear time for me. Why would I need to go and see a podiatrist? Of course I've kept the warranty information darling. I would be talking Gore-Tex or just Leva. These are designed for dry conditions. You bought the protective spray.

Oh yeah. You're one of those guys. When they try and sell you the protective spray. Oh yeah, I'm a sucker for that. Easy peasy, yeah. I've got a cupboard full of protective sprays and extra waxes that I've not used. We might have waxed, I've got.

Yeah, I'm a very easy, I'm a complete sucker for a sales person of any kind. Yeah, I'm a total sucker. You know what happened to me once? I was buying a pair of shoes and the guy went just just quickly before he buy the shoes. Just had a quick look at this and he took some shoes or a display shoe sprayed it with something and it vanished and he put a glass of water over it and the water just sort of trickled off and it blew

my mind look at the beading on there look at the ultra wicked it's wicking straight off I think that's what happens if you pour water on a shoe though. I think it just falls off, what as well? Well, it's not going to boil, is it? I have anything's can water do. It's not going to boil, it's not going to freeze. But yeah, I'm a bit of a sucker for that stuff. There are some classic upselling things, which really annoy me.

Have you had the one of when you go and buy a picture frame for something, which is always really expensive? For some reason it's an industry that and cashew nuts. For some reason it just absolutely take the piss. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, my children have already been told you're going into you're going into framing or cashews. That's it. It's one or the other because that's where the big one is.

Or goalkeeper. That's not one that's always good. Just get some big gloves. You basically just stand still, then you've been incredibly rich, but you just have to be able to be asked to go and goal. Repeatedly throughout your childhood. And most people can't.

Yeah, Kishunas. And yeah, picture frames. So picture frames, incredibly expensive, for some reason, to go and get something framed. Because picture frames, incredibly expensive for some reason, to go and get something framed. Because you're often buy something like a print, it'll cost 20 quid and then you find out that in order for it to be on your wall,

all together it's gonna cost 80 quid. And then suddenly you're like, yeah, exactly. Why? Why? And it's more than the art. It's more than, yeah. But what happens is you'll go along,

you go, all right, fine, I'll get it, okay, I'll put up. I'm gonna pay to get it framed. I've accepted a certain amount and it's a lot so you're already a bit annoyed and Then the guy the guy will go okay, so that's you know, let's 50 quid let's say and if you're lucky Except if you're lucky, right and then we'll go and Do you want it with the special glass? And I'm like, oh You you bastard, of course I want the special glass in special. What is it? I'm on the special glass now things are to special are things that I wanted that is the definition of special Why are you even asking me the question? So you'll probably want to be able to see this this artwork

Once it's framed so you'll need the special glass What is the special glass? It's it's non-reflective, that's what it is. So he'll say, do you want it in the non-reflective glass? And you'll go, not surely, guys. You know, you're already likely idea of what you're about to buy. But then he's introduced his brand new concept, which is non-reflective glass. Then when you're kind of debating it's in your head

and already feeling annoyed, you haven't just been more money. He then pulls out a little object. He's got this object with bits of frame, it's designed essentially to jeep you out of money, a kind of deception plinth that he pulls out which has sort of example frames, essentially. Then he shows you the one you're about to buy

as suddenly you look at it and all you can see is light reflecting into your face. I got, I can barely, ah, ah, ah, because it reflects. And he says, do you want to see the art or do you want to see your own stinking vajars looking back at you? What he's basically telling you is,

you can either get the one with non-reflective glass, or you can get the shit one that I also sell. Does it matter if glass is reflective? Is that real? Is that kind of load of box? Because I've heard Ben, I've been told that apparently, it's always with, it happens with, anything's with glass, it happens with glasses as well, sun glasses, they go, do you want the polarised version or whatever? And apparently, I've heard rumors that that is compelling balls that polarised it isn't a thing. There's not even a word. There's nothing.

There's the equivalent of Henry going against big farmer. It's, I'll know. It's the increasingly anti-science Henry Bacca. It's like big cats. As if they don't exist. There are just small trees. It's an issue of perspective. It's like Hargondas. You know Hargondas isn't exist. They're just small trees. It's an issue of perspective. It's like hard-conduz. You know hard-conduz isn't real. What it is real? It's near the ice cream

tree, but the name is made up. All names are made up. There's no such... No, but there's no such thing as hard-conduz. It's made up to sound like it's Belgian or something, or Flemish or something. I don't know. But it's just two American guys. But hang on, are you saying that there's been some kind of... There's been some sort of phonetic workshop. Yeah, something. That has worked out the most delicious and Hang on, is Henry, are you saying that there's been some kind of, there's been some sort of phonetic workshop? Yeah, exactly. That has worked out the most delicious and icing luxury sounding. Yeah, yeah.

You put two A's in your heart, good, and you stick a umlaut on the whatever. Yeah, yeah. Because it sounds like, yeah, that's what happens. Okay. So Mike, we've got new mountain walking shoes. Obviously, that's a bit of excitement. It's quite nice to get the spray on it. It's a big deal. But on the other side of that coin, you're saying goodbye to the old trusty The older ones will stick around just in case,

get your dog to piss in them. They'll stick around. I will keep them just in case. I won't have a good scenario of what that just in case is and they'll keep them probably for 25 years until they have been eaten and buy some sort of rodent in the attic at which point I will comfortably be able to throw them away, but not before. They've utterly disintegrated.

Two premium and I can't just be checking that stuff out, no way. Of course, so these are a life investment piece, so... But by all means, don't rub the cream into them. I mean, you know, by all means, by the shoes, with the reflective glass on them, yeah. So that you'll be bedazzled wherever you go. Pray, walk off a cliff. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. You know how we talked about how we wanted to book in a three-be-installed podcast live tour, only going to remote British overseas territories. Yeah, sure.

So a lot of paperwork, but it's going to happen. Somebody emailed us to say that the Hawaiian flag, they lived in Hawaii, the Hawaiian flag has got the Union Jack in the corner. It does, which I've always been very, very confused about. Yeah. It seems a really, I don't know why it's there, I'm also mostly baffled as to how it stayed there.

Yeah, incredible. But it does mean that we can finish off the tour in Maui. Nice. Oh, there we go. With our special guest, the rock. So it doesn't that we can finish off the tour in Maui. Nice. Ooh, there we go. With our special guest, the rock. So it doesn't have to be an official overseas territory, can just be... But as long as he's got the Union Jack on it,

I think we can... There's a trace of a flag. Yeah. So we can include Commonwealth nations. Also, frankly, the first podcast tour to play both Turks and Kekos in the same night, aren't we? LAUGHTER It's gonna be a lot, a lot of fun.

It'll be mean just us playing two sort of five or six British diplomats on sort of bare rocks. Yeah, and the occasional sort of refuelment depot in ascension. That kind of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, I was looking, I was looking them out last night and I was looking at Tristan D'Cuna, the capital of which is called Edinburgh of the Seven Seas, which is lovely. Oh, that's really nice. But next to it is an island called, I think this is where we need to take the tour. It has a bit of a challenge, its name is inaccessible island. Challenge accepted. Is that somewhere near the Antarctic or something? I feel like I've heard of that.

I actually know what is on the globe. Is that actually a British overseas factory called Innexesse, Blialand? It's surrounded on all sides by cliffs. South Atlantic. There we go. The cliffs have been named. They've got names. And one of the cliffs is called,

and this is on the map, where the pig fell off. I want to go there so much, but it's inaccessible. I feel like this wasn't colonized by the top best of the best, the cremder, the crem of the British kind of empire builders. Well, it wasn't colonized by anyone, hence the name. And if you've seen a picture, the cliffs are sheer. So presumably this wasn't even anyone's pig. This was, presumably someone saw that pig fall off from the boat.

Well, no, so the British tried to populate it with pigs, because they thought, may as well try and do something. Just give them a few years, come back in 600 years and see what they've done with the place. Well, no, I think that's a good way to test out where the humans can live here, because biologically they're the most similar animal to us, aren't they?

So stick a bunch of pigs on it for a couple of fortnight come back. Have you had a good time or not? Well, I'll tell you if they had a good time or not. Essentially, they all just fell off. Oh no. Because they're not goats, are they? They're not. They haven't got the hoof structure. All the pigs fell off. We thought, well, that's it. We probably won't bother with that anymore. If you'd been a shark that day, you'd be like, am I in heaven? What the... Sosage drain. Sosage drain. It's...

Sosage drain. There can't be happening. Do I tell the other sharks about this? Because I mean, if they hear that I've kept this to myself, I think I'm a real douchebag, but this is amazing. I'm having the time of my life here. But I don't know. I can't be a hero amongst the sharks, but equally I want to eat all the massive sausages,

the screaming sausages, I want them to myself. So low-feeding frenzy, so low-feeding frenzy, it's happening. It's time to thrash, thrash, thrash, thrash, thrash, thrash. They're not even swimming away, they can't swim away. They don't have fins. This is unbelievable. Like there's weird pre-wales I heard about.

What is happening here? Sarsidrain, Sassidrain. Sassidrain. Sassidrain. Sassidrain. Sassidrain. I've just looked up, I've just seen on the internet that inaccessible island is home to the endemic inaccessible island rail, the world's smallest extant flightless bird. Yeah, apparently they're successful because there are no predators on the island, because nobody can get on there and all the pigs fell off. That's all going to change at the Beans live show.

The first podcast live show to wipe out a species. The first podcast live show to wipe out a species. Anyway, this chat takes us squarely into the Flirtless Bird Zone, and of course, you'd usually play our jingle for that, but someone sent one in. We've had an email from a man called Sam in La France, Cher-Arricle, Bean Friends. Dear beans. Oh. I covered a new jingle for your accent podcast or rather, I anti-covered one. It occurred to me as I was listening to your recent episode that your flightless birds

on jingle was somewhat marginalizing for birds who can actually fly. I've decided to write that wrong. Once again, I made a French song. He's the man who sent us a previous French song. Oh yeah. Compose of two distinct parts, a more old school folk tune and a kitschy modern pop rock song. I connected them the only way I know how with smooth jazz and bird sounds. It's called Le Vreruazo, brackets Volong Don's last CL. The real birds flying in the sky.

This jingle may also act as an audio game for provincial dads who can try to recognise the sound of different birds included in this piece, such as the Robin, Goose, Crane or the Tinnermus Tau bird. Also open to provincial mums. All those with that children. And also this idea of living the provinces. Anyway, let's play it. I've always shown the truth in my mind I've always shown the truth in my mind That was absolutely brilliant. And Crabler. That was great. Can I say the production on that really, really reminded me

of George Harrison's 1987 album, Cloud 9. I like Cloud 9. I like Cloud 9. Do you know what I mean about the production? That's what you're saying. The crispness and that, there's that guitar that can do really well that's quite beatlesy and stuff. I don't want to open up a guitar conversation.

But that was absolutely brilliant. He centers the lyrics. So good. You can translate for us maybe Henry. Wonderful. Le Vreruazo, volong don's lessiel. The true birds flang in sky. Le Vreruazo, volong don's lessiel, the true birds or real birds flang in sky. L'avere waso utilisant le eils a bonicient. That's the real birds using their wings to ascend maybe? Il planon, they glide, il planonon. Yeah. They've glide. Yilplonon, AC Demondont. Pauquois Dottre, Oazo, Utilisant Lesions.

I think it's they glide and ask themselves, why do other birds use their legs? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Well, thank you, Samuel. That was fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. Thanks, Samuel. So in Exaceball Island, I think that's on the list of bean live shows. We'll have to be air dropped onto it, and they'll end up rename this clip, this clip, where the beans fell off, where Mike fell off, where Ben fell off, and where Henry fell off. Where Henry fell off the pig.

Yeah, we'll be air dropped the three of us, pig each. See what we can create, society wise. Well, listen out for dates. It's brilliantly positioned. I'm looking at it on the map. And Wikipedia. It couldn't be more in the middle of the ocean. It's sort of equidistant between South America

and Africa it looks like. Yeah, guys, get your tickets. It's only a seven day voyage by sea from Cape Town. Hello, in accessible island. Uh-huh. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Let's turn on the bean machine. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪

[♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Let's turn on the bean machine. This week's topic has sent in by Gavin. Thank you, Gavin. Thank you, Gavin. Is oats. Oats. Oats. Well, I'm ingesting a huge amount of oats at the moment because I'm drinking two or three oats milk. I stoke milk lattes a day. Of course you are. Oat is the biggest milk now. Oat is huge. No. There's so much oat everywhere. Well, it's not as big as... It's very sweet.

It can be. It's sweet. It's not as big as cow, but it's the second biggest after cow, I'd say. Okay. Oat is huge. Soyer? I think it might even be bigger than soy now.

There's a lot of oat. I mean, obviously I'm in London, I'm plugged into this stuff. I'm just hearing oak a lot. Do you know what I don't like? Is when you ask for an alternative milk, like oat? And I actually, these days I go for oat. To you.

Yeah, rather than normal milk. For taste reasons, more than anything else. Because I do it, I do it as well. And I don't really know why. I don't like that it's more expensive. They put on a supplement. How can it be like 50p more to drink something that's made of just smashing some oats together with some water compared to bringing up an animal?

Nutrinate, loving it. Loving it. Reading to it. Isn't it? Because it's the time that you have to put into rearing a proper milk cow, isn't it? The annual holiday. Stroking it by moonlight, soeping the others, seeing it, do it. It's first

nativity. What's the tear jerker? It's second nativity. That point, you're pretty not fully tuned in, are you? Yeah, it's been cast as a cow again. So it's actually going to be an angel this time, please. Just gotta have a little blonde cow, is that it? It's stuffed. Going to Clark's to get at its first pair of hooves, and when it puts its hooves, well, there's stump, it's a raw stump isn't it before you buy the hooves? But put it up there with the raw foot stumps

in that little machine in Clark's where it gets. To measure it. And the little cow often says, well, it appears to be enjoying it a little bit because it feels nice. That feeling is unrivaled. That feeling sends shivers right up into unmaspine. It feels very grown up, doesn't it?

No, no, no, no, no, that kind of feeling, like the literal physical feeling. Yeah. You're not, you're not talking about. Oh, I know very much. Yeah, no, I, I, I, I, I mean, my memory is abysmal. It will pass in my life. But that, that is vivid. That childhood to machine time. Nioh. Pleasure. So gentle. Z-N-O. Pleasure. So gentle. And yet could crush me. Like that.

Yeah. And those early clarks machines didn't, the early prototypes did, didn't they? Oh, but they warned you about that. Snap! We've killed another shot. Snap! We've killed another. Well, it was a thing where they got together with the Met Police. If your footprint matched a footprint from a crime scene, they would just crush. Yeah, instantly. But it was, but it was just the size. If you had the same size foot, yeah. You've had the exact same size foot as a criminal. As a cat burglar of Croydon. He'd begun. But the amount of pleasure that got, because it gave me tingles all over my body. Did that happen to you?

Yeah. Yeah, like one of the most kind of profound physical feelings of my life. Mine were also noteworthy, because even as a small child, there would always remark, and I'd get to the point where I'd wait for the remark, oh, is it rather white? Oh no.

Oh, we can't actually get that into the machine. We're going to have to, you did the metal-sized, can't actually get into the machine. We're gonna have to You did the metal sides barely move. Just second machine. They just sort of warped We need the plastic sprackets But it was a lovely feeling and and you knew so it's left foot, the Neil side bits, bits, nil, top bits, tingles. But then you knew that you were halfway through the experience then, even you've got

one foot left to do. And then after that, you're only going to have that experience again once your body has actually grown bigger. It's so far away, you know, the next time it's going to happen. It was so poignant to me that. Can I say that as an adult, I am an adult. I'm not fully sure what size my feet are. Really? Really? are. Really?

Really? Yeah. How? Well, because of the bean machine adaptations, because of the withering and the sloughing. Well, there's been withering and sluffering, but there's also been bloating of the feet, hasn't it? It depends on the seasons.

You've got size 14 heels, size 4 midfeet. And also incredibly tall angles. Yes. Which is very unusual to have tall angles, but your ankles are, well, they're almost as tall as you, aren't they now? You've got inverse arching as well, haven't you? And the lacquered balls, yes.

Yeah. We're talking about your feet bend, don't you, is the object? Also, those are lacquered to you, know that. What it is is, they don't do that machine on you when you're an adult, because you're meant to know how big your feet are. Yes, but it just depends what kind of shoe it is, it'll be a different size seems to fit.

How do you find that? I don't find those shoes trousers, yes, shoes no. One of the great imponderables of clothing retail sales techniques is the way that if power trousers is slightly too small for you, and this might even go for shoes as well, actually, if power shoes is like too tight, the salesperson will say, oh, don't worry, they will expand. These trousers will expand over time, trousers like everything expands. The universe expands. They're good, well-treated, chicken leather trousers. Yes, they will, absolutely. If you put the spray on and the cream, rubbed it in properly.

Yeah, and the paprika. The paprika, three times a day for four months, before you try it on for the first time, and then sit in a salt bath with them for a full day and night in a full mood. Gotta prime them, yeah. Gotta prime them. And then whipped with birch.

Then sure enough, these trousers... Yes, these trousers will expand. But you get essentially different theories on the universe that are expounded to you by these people. What is the theory because the universe is expanding that these trousers will also expand? I think you've not had a salesperson say it's your inner job. Sorry, sir.

They're a universe itself is expanding, but you seem to believe that these trousers are the exception. versus itself is expanding, but you seem to believe that these trousers are the exception. We think you are Paul Trun. Maybe about that. Yeah, so essentially you get the expansion theory of the universe. And then if the trousers are too big, they'll say to you, of course, don't worry, these trousers may seem too big, but of course, they will, of course, contract, won't they? Because then, these trousers may seem to be, but of course, they will, of course, contract, won't they? Because then, old trousers contract.

The very universe itself is it's contracting. Or perhaps you think these trousers are an exception. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, to be honest, I normally buy clothes in places where you have, there's no attendance saying, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's normally just sort of, you know, piles and piles and stuff. And stuff like trousers, yeah. Yeah. So you'll put them through along with your,

with your stir fry chicken pieces. We'll just beep them through along with your pre-trop stir fry chicken, is that what you do? Beep it through. Well, they've both got a three for two sticker on. Yeah. Ben's going to go for it, isn't he? You take one of the three for two stickers off. So take it off a banana. You're a format to the perfect crime. And I'll put these shorts through as raisins. For me, while Henry's on German street having existential debates with snippy tailors,

Ben, how far you've fallen from your Habsburg ancestors? Because think about it, you, 200 years ago, Ben, you, Habsburg Prince, you'd have been having every part of you individually measured and everything. And he's in his liver amongst the people face. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. Yeah. Takes a while. I'm like, when the Habsburg Prince as a joke decides to live as a peasant for the week

Yeah, in order to make a hilarious joke, but you're doing it for three plus decades. That's true But I've got stuck I don't believe it. I'm there No, I am a prince. Why does nobody believe me? Let me back into the palace Leave me, left me back into the palace. I'm just going to put on these chicken pieces. I've put on the chicken pieces like they're trousers, like a mixed up. I can prove it like I have toot belly buttons. Look at my toot belly buttons, I need a Habsburg as it is. And I've just bloody stir fried a pair of cargo pants.

Oh, I've got a lot of good taste with me, a great set comes out. Oh no! Do you know what I'm saying? I do know what you're saying, yeah. Oh, for the love of God, this is making great sick comes out. Oh no! LAUGHTER Um, do you know what I'm saying? I do know who you're saying, yeah. The N.A. said, so this happens. They'll say to you, these trousers don't worry, sir. These trousers will contract.

They won't say contract. They'll say shrink. They'll say shrink. They'll say shrink because everything is shrink. They'll say because they'll say, because next thing you wash them, they'll shrink. So there are two opposite things happening to trousers. Stretch and shrink. Both of them are equally true. Stretch and shrink, they're both stretching and shrinking. By our classic new stretch and shrink trousers. Are they expanding or contracting or both

thing? It doesn't matter. Is that comfy as heck? You know what this reminds me of something? I'm getting a lot of flyers at the moment. A lot of ads, this is both in physical, form and digital form, targeted ads to do with trousers that have a lot of going on, like trousers that are off, are you getting this stuff? No. What do you mean? Like, kind of cargo pant time, multi pocket. Yeah, a lot of short time. A lot of short time.

Also trousers that are claiming to be able to do things that are incredible, like emotionally intelligent trousers. emotionally intelligent. they could like write up like simple contracts and that kind of thing. they can look after a cat for a week while you go to France. yeah I'm honestly I'm getting that. it's like these trousers, they're shrinkable, they're stretchable. they're omnit trousers, you can take them up,

you can take them down, you can set fire to them. these trousers are indestructible and comfy. are you getting this stuff? No, I'm getting sent a lot of stuff and I'm getting a lot of my ads on YouTube clips You know like the lads that are coming to you. Mm-hmm. We'll be someone talking about a pair of trousers that these trousers changed my life It's a chino which you can scuba in. It's scuba tune. Chino scuba chinos. Welcome to the chie-yes can scuba in. It's scuba tune, tune the scuba tune. Welcome to the she yes. Anything you can dream of that she is can achieve it for you. Scuba kayak. The great novels in summary. Hat making because we believe there's no such word as chin possible. possible. You see a problem, I see a chin illusion. How did this relate to oats? We were talking about shoes. We can't take it straight back to oats. We can take it back to shoes first.

Retracit step by step. Yeah, we can use a retreated step by step. So we're going to go back through what we've talked about again and then further back. Yeah, we can use a retreated step by step. We've got it. So we're going to go back through what we've talked about again, and then further back. Yeah. It sounds like one of the hardest listening experiences I can think of. Yeah. We're going to hand something in Gretel this shit. Let's push an old woman into an oven. About 220 degrees fan assisted, Eric. Open and based occasionally. You've got a boost. Yeah. And then for God's sake, leave it to sit for at least 20 minutes. It's got a rest. Yeah.

And that's when you can make the human slough gravy. I can't even remember how we got from oats to shoes. The point with the shoes is, Ben, you were saying you didn't want shoes size you are. Yes. I agree with that. You agree that Ben doesn't know what shoes are. Yes. I agree with that. You agree that Ben doesn't know what shoes I agree with. I disagree. There we go. No, I also didn't know what shoes I am because I'm I'm sometimes 10 sometimes 11. Right. So how do we get back to oats? Yeah, okay. I think you're right, Ben. But how did we get to shoes? How do we get to shoes?

We got into the club. We began with one of you, well, maybe as you've been, was a pool of the price difference between cow's milk. This is it. We were talking about cows going to get there. Who's there? Yes. So how does it cost more to get oatmeal

when you've had to raise an animal? Do we get a lot of, this is a drawn abouring answer. I mean, it's all I've got. Don't quite a lot of our oats come from quite a long way away these days. No, that's the good thing about oats, right? So oats are the most environmentally friendly alternative milk because we create a lot of oats nearby. What from? I think we still, we import a lot of oats as well,

isn't it, me as well? Guys, you know, we used to talk about how, if the podcast was just you two, it would be talking about out imports. I think you can take the rest of the day off. I think we're, um, 1998, 680 tons, 1999, 710 tons, through the port of Felix Stowe alone. Hang on, is that imports or exports? What are we talking here? That's got to be imports. Import from the EU, aren't going to suggest large imports. That's from Ukraine. I think Ukraine, okay, you find. Yeah, so through the Black Sea,

round the number of the training. Ukraine is a big, smaller, more than a Canada's one of the biggest ones in the world. It's still remains so, but I mean, they've got the results in the space and the right sort of acidity of soil. Well, of course, they're used to call it the oat cupboard of urine.

LAUGHTER LAUGHTER MUSIC Oats is one of those things, there's lots of things like this, though, where you could probably tell the whole history of the world through oats. And at some point, someone will release... So I've already written that book.

Someone will, and it'll come out soon, it'll be a huge bestseller. Oh, yeah, because there'll be fantastic amounts of, there'll be bloodbaths, there'll be sex, there'll be intrigue, or all to be king or queen out. The sexy and deadly tale of oats. The Sunday Times number one bestseller. Game of oats. Now a Netflix series starring Idris Elber. We need you back for one last note. I told you own trade oats anymore. But they tell you if I can cause it oats, they will control you up near. There'll be a theory. It went there the world. It's a bit like that book Sapiens that was quite big. That was all about wheat, wasn't

it? Wheat. Yeah, the history of humanity can be explained by. We've been kidnapped by wheat, is what I'm saying. That was the point of wheat in that one. So maybe we've moved into the oat era. Now oats to me, and as a city boy, I find anything to do with oats, wheat, barley. It's all much of a muchness.

It's all bit, bit, bit, bit. But I think they're all synonyms as far as you're all synonyms for the same sort of thing, which is the thing that you get a picture of it on the front of a healthy snack bar. But actually, we're not in France recently, there was a field, full of crops. So crops are swaying every morning. I could see them from a window. And I did that thing, which they're doing films. Are you brushed your hand through the top of the grains? I'm found a dead body. No, I took a dump, next to a scarecrow.

Yeah, I ran my hand through it. I can't be gladiator when he's thinking about going to the afterlife. That's right. I was thinking of Theresa May, but yeah, same. One with Theresa May? Theresa May was asked, what's the naughtiest thing you've ever done? What's gladiator?

And then. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. An eating lasagna with my hands. She's the one with my hands. On the nice and walking sight. She was trying to do a bit of myth making and talked about her childhood running through fields of wheat. Well, it was more that she was asked a question like, what's the naughtiest thing you've ever

done? She had to very quickly think of something that isn't actually north at all. She couldn't talk about hitting the skunk in her teens, for example. So she said, well, I think some of the local farmers would be quite angry to know that I've run through some fields of wheat. Some of the local farmers would be quite angry to know the time ran through some fields of wheat. My God, that is... Athletic, isn't it? LAUGHTER Well, we know what happened to her.

Yeah. Well, she ended up calling her general action and not winning it by a sufficient enough margin to guarantee that her style of Brexit would go through. LAUGHTER Is that true? That was bang on. For me, porridge is one of those foods which is, and I have this with a lot of different kinds of food, it's right on the cusp of being quite nice or totally gross, depending on how I think about it, and kind of get myself into

a headspace where I like the idea of porridge. So, and it's quite psychological, for example, I saw the film Phantom Thread, who's seen that? No, a bit like porridge. You have to be asked. Exactly. It's a porridge of films. I gather it's very good, but I haven't yet been asked. It's good for you, but... I don't think it's that I necessarily want to see it. I think it's more than I want to see it. It really helps if while you're watching it,

you're pouring honey onto your face throughout the whole throughout the two and a half hours. If you can, if you can, that's the way of doing it. I'm trying to try that. I could get through tons of our house must say, if I only didn't know about the other honey trick. Also, if you've got a second screen mic, maybe a tablet or a laptop showing the new top gear. Oh, the new top garden is what I was going to say, but top gear works well. The new top gear yeah, oh the new top garden is what I was gonna say but top gear works well The point I was making about the Phantom Thread is for example I watched a film Phantom Thread now in the film Phantom Thread the day I lose character Orders some par eats some porridge at the beginning. He orders a big breakfast

And it's the thing to do his character that he likes if he likes eating a really big breakfast and Yeah, and then the buffet is in his strafed by Tommy Gunfire. Yeah, I'm afraid not. I'm just trying to find a reason to watch the film. So you haven't given me one yet. There's no Tommy Gunfire, there's no, he's not undercover, there's no spies.

He's literally just a scene of a man eating porridge. A man eats porridge and then later on, he makes some dresses. It's quite hard work, to be honest, but... Do you make the dresses upside down at Mac too, even though people said that it couldn't be done? No, for a nut. And he doesn't ever flick anyone with a towel, either at any point, in a changing room. I'm missing something here.

Yeah, this is all happening in the back of a helicopter, right? I'm missing something here. Yeah, this is all happening in the back of a helicopter, right? Yeah, yeah, in a in a chanille that's trying a very, very daring maneuver, it's trying to go through the channel time. Oh, this is never been done. We're going to Leal. And there is literally training seven minutes. We could just wait for the training to actually be faster.

It's too late now. We're committed. And this guy's trying to make a dress in the back. It'll actually be faster. It's too late now, we're committed. And this guy's trying to make a dress in the back, I need porridge. Anyway, because of that, I was like, oh, porridge is, I just thought, oh, I'm a porridge. And the quality of the porridge was eating.

I said, that really appealed to me. So I had a phase of eating porridge. So I had to cook it very, very smooth and just have it with honey. So when it's very, very smooth and very very white something about the smooth whiteness of it I can get my brain to think that is Appetizing that's a feeling with but soon it's for example might you talk about putting fruit in yeah So you put fruit in it to me. Yeah, you see bits of like what it's sort of like porridge

Shrapnel kind of like sitting not sitting on the fruits. I'm very happy with my porridge I want to feel that I want to feel the grit going down the project I make is quite thick It's sort of like porridge shrapnel, kind of like sitting on the fruits. I'm very happy with my porridge. I want to feel that, I want to feel the grit going down. The porridge I make is quite thick. I've had complaints in the family that mine is quiet. It's more like a sort of cake. It's beyond the cake. It's more like a sort of heavy juicy industrial building material. It does have polyphilla qualities. You could drop it off the, I would say maybe certainly the second floor, maybe the first

floor of a building if it landed on someone, but they'd have a life changing injury. That's how I like my porridge. So what you want, Henry, is basically red or cream. I think you want Henry. Do you just want to have a bowl of cream? I think you might be that I just want a bowl of cream. Like a cat. Here's a tip. Maybe that is one of a bowl of cream. Like a little cat. Mm-mm. Mm-mm-mm-mm.

Mm-mm-mm. Here's a tip. Yeah. The Phantom Threads signed track, Bon Joly. It's been spun to me. Yeah. We're making dresses tonight. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Take me all the way to the hem, baby. Hem hem. And don't forget to put on the washing instructions.

Doodle, doodle, doodle. Dracking only, this will probably more of a hassle than it's worth to buy. Dracking only, I can fuck itself. Man, man, man, man. You're gonna need to buy an appropriate brah, cause it's a backless. I won't tell me about it. [♪ music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in Yeah, it's like a thick, a thick, thick biscuit. I didn't know how they'd get them stick together. That's one of the questions I've always asked myself. But oats, oat cakes. How do they get all the oats stick together?

How do oat cakes stick together? And with that, the podcast reached its Nadia. What I'm privileged though is to be aware of your own nadir? You know, I mean most people aren't, most people don't realise it's there in a state of denial and delusion, but we're feeling it, aren't we? But maybe it's pure hubris to imagine that we can't get worse than this when we absolutely can. Any final oats thoughts?

Well the only oats thing I can think of that we haven't covered, but I was quite pleased we haven't covered is the old selling of. Yes. But maybe we can just skip by that. Yeah. I think we should because I think, I'm too honest, it's quite uncomfortable to talk about. And it was even more uncomfortable to wear. It was the most worst jumper.

I haven't worn that out jumper that was sewn for me by, uh, Carol. Okay, we're done. Yeah. It wasn't an idea. Yeah. And, Oh, what a huge relief. There's more depth to the below.

My one last thought on, on oats is this, there's a question actually if anyone wants to email in, which is, um, what is an out? Just, yeah, don't it? Great. Well, if you know, do email in, it what is an out. Great well if you know do email in it's three bean salads pod at gmail.com. Time for your emails. When you send an email, you must give thanks to the postmasters that came before. Good morning, postmaster. Anything for me? Just some old shit. When you send an email, this represents progress.

Like a robot, shooting a horse. Define your horse. My beautiful horse. Hello Beans, sometimes after turning on the B machine, Ben will describe Braemen as a coastal city, or worse, a port city. Braemen is neither of those. It lies 50 kilometres inland along the river Versa. At the river's mouth lies the city of Braemer Harbourn, which is, as its name indicates, Braemen's Harbour. These two cities form the geographical, discontinuous German land of the free Hanziatic city of Bremen.

Is that a bulking? Feels like it. It does a bit, doesn't it? What do you... He does describe it as a bulking, but I'm not going to accept it. Reflecto, monarch. Why was your content? Hmm. On what grounds? Well, because contained within his very own Pollock

is the antidote to the Pollock, which is that these two cities form the geographically discontinuous German land with the free hinted Hans-Sierth XVI of Bremen. So, he's saying it is Bremen. Yes, it's very often, it's like snake poison. Very often, the antidote is contained within the poison or within the, within the bulk itself, all you do is take a little bit of it out and mix it in with some ac- Micro-dosing a bollock.

You have to micro-dose it. Because it has not sort of said, Bremen's on a port city, it's two cities which are also called Bremen, which includes a port. Yeah. Come on, give your head a wobble, I don't. Don't give your head a wobble, I don't. Give your head a wobble. Sorry, Eduardo, I think you've hoist yourself by your own bollock, right? Will an errand from Melbourne email?

Hi, Beans, my wife, Erin and I were listening to your high caliber lukewarm banter in your recent volcano episode, whilst we bunkered down overnight in a cabin on Mount Fuji. What? Ooh, that's cool. Before climbing up to the summit for a sunrise only somewhat undercut by the gradual loss of feeling in our hands, I hope because of cold.

Not because of the hot cars. We have had people, haven't we? We have had people emailing and saying they do lose their sensation in their hands or... Yeah, it's a bit like it's the new sort of Cuba syndrome. Yeah. What's the older Cuba syndrome? When someone was sort of pumping weird microwave transmissions into the American embassies in Cuba

and other places, you know, remember this? No, a story from a few years ago, kind of sound wave attack. I would make their hands go numb. They'd get all kinds of weird neurological symptoms, and would sometimes have to be sent to home. And it was happening started in Cuba. Everyone thought it was the Russians, but no one really knew. And then it started happening in other American embassies around the place. Big old hoax, lots of inquiries, never solved.

Someone came forward and thought it was a mass delusion. It's uncanny, isn't it? The amount of comparisons with three beans out. Because people affected by Havana Syndrome, Mike. That's interesting. People affected by Havana Syndrome, Mike. That's interesting. People have affected by Havana's symptom, described symptoms such as hearing loss, memory loss, and nausea, which are all symptoms

that this is our podcast experience. A lot of our lessons taking early retirement. Yeah. Speculation centered around a sonic weapon. We have been described as a form of uncontrolled sonic weapon, haven't we? That should be banned. Will and Aaron say we just wanted to say thank you for the last

and lay claim to the highest altitude beanheads, brackets non-aircraft category. Oh nice. So has anyone listened to three been salad in a non-aircraft context at a higher altitude than the top of mountain Fuji? That's what we need to know. But currently, I would say Will're now in other front runners.

Don't take any risks in order to try and... No, and also, arguably, if you are going at a higher altitude, you're probably better off concentrating on the task in hand to rather than... Although we can have heard that the podcast is more enjoyable if you are suffering from if you've got hypoxic brain injury with any form of cranial hypoxia and also while experiencing advanced type of thermia. Well, Everest is littered with these bodies, aren't they, with the headphones in the latest episode of three times I had playing. Yeah, because what happens is you start to feel the opposite of how you should feel. So you start to feel hot when you're cold. So that's why often they'll be

found with a few kinking prawns on a stick. You feel the opposite of how you should feel. So before they didn't want prawns, but now they do want prawns, you should never eat prawns sourced from deep in the Himalayas. Everyone knows that, but they think they think they should get prawns. So there's classic stuff. Yeah. And obviously, you know, some of the richer explorers now will pay to go up on. I mean, they're not genuine explorers a lot of them. So there's a lot of controversy around it, but you will find prawns, some sort of entrepreneur prawns. And you really should be concentrating on getting out of there alive, calling for help. A lot of them will at that point

sign themselves up for cello lessons. A lot of the bodies there are. They're enrolled in adult music classes. Sometimes I'll join our Patreon. It's not gonna help them. Yeah. Exactly. There's a lot of our subscribers.

Yeah. Himalayan corpses. And the final one from Alfie, this is, we mentioned nominative determinism a couple of weeks subscribers. Yeah. Himalayan corpses. And the final one from Alfie, this is, we mentioned nominative determinism a couple of weeks ago. Oh, yes. Alfie says, hi beans, a local police officer used to come into my school

and do various talks about drugs, cycling safety, not jumping off bridges and whatnot. His name was PC justice. Yes. Yes. No one ever said anything about it, which drove me mad. Thanks, Alfie.

Oh, wow. I hope you made it to Inspector. Right, it's the end of the series. And before we go, a little plug for our live shows at the London Podcast Festival. We were going to be doing two. They sold out really fast. So they've asked us if we would like to do a third show.

And we said, yes. Rather than go through all the details of how you can get tickets here in the middle of the podcast, I'm going to put it at the end after the theme tune. I've got a plug please. This is my friend Celia A.B. superb comedian who's doing a show at the Edinburgh Fringe this summer, which is 2023 in case you're listening years in the future. So at the Edinburgh Fringe at the Pleasant's beside, it's called Second rodeo, it's brilliant, and it's on every night at the Fringe at 7.30pm,

and if you're in Edinburgh, you should go and see it, and if you're not in Edinburgh, you should try and get to Edinburgh and go and see it, because it's superb, selling A-B, do it. And are the rumours true, Mike, that you may have had the smallest of hands in this show? Well, she's declared me as having directed it, but the reality is I've mostly just been a kind of sounding and cheerleader to be honest.

It's all her. It's a really, really brilliant show, and I've just occasionally gone, yeah, it's great. I can concur that she's excellent, because that's what her last show is brilliant. I've never seen a deal of live show. I can neither confirm nor deny. It's time to pay the ferryman.

Patreon Patreon.com For a sash, free the salad. Thank you to everyone who signed up on our Patreon. For Sash, free the salad. Thank you to everyone who signed up on our Patreon. Thank you. If you'd like to hear more of us talking about the topic of votes, or indeed any other topic that we've done this month, you can do on our monthly bonus episode, which will be coming out at the end of the month.

There are various tiers you can sign up at, you can get no adverts, you can get the bonus episode, and at the third and highest tier, the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out from Mike in the Sean Bean lounge where you were last night, Mike. Certainly, it was Ben, because last night, of course, it was the summer German Christmas market. Indeed it was. Thank you Benjamin, and here's my report. It was the summer German Christmas market last night at the Shornbeen Lound, and though it was a cool July evening outside, the entire lounge was heated to an almost intolerable but on-themed 27-degree Celsius. Thanks to Hannah Petre Hay firing up the Shornbeen

boiler and hooking Andrew Walters family-liknight coal mountain into the furnace, as well as a highly combustible body hair of Duncan Wright, Nick Schwartz and John Fleming, and Helen Alexandra's lucky flags of old pressure collection. Asher Stevens opened the frosted gluevine stall, while Liz Ferguson sprayed the lounge with four tons of the snow over the summer, sand, and the evening was a go. Amy Shribes Spears' Christmas porcelain swimwear stall was a huge hit, despite stiff competition from Matthew Motea's sheepskin Bikini Kiosk. Benjamin Hallam delighted with his new and burk style prune people beat Jvoleball in the tibetit, but was quickly overshadowed by Laurence's deep Christmas red, Dresden style Christmas pyramid, built from the heavily sunburnt bodies of Leo Ferguson, Simon Todd, Daniel Maloney and Martin Wiggins, all of

whom clearly failed to spot Sander Epek and Amy Rogers moving round the crowd with free eggnog sun-cream square bags. Tanya Poole threw too much of Kira's ice-cold hot-sinder down her throat, collapsed through Oli Rizvi's cutoffer-puffer Baywatch Snowman, which smashed into Susan C's Fuffin-Gluck-Surve-Rith and obliterated Gentory Visitors' Schnuff-Nudell and Lilo-Stand. Music came in the form of a live rendition of the Beach Boys' pet-sounds album in the umpest style, with Jess Garner on Saxon Tuba, Agent Yellow UK on traditional clarinet and non-traditional ask on it, Ella on Gingerbread accordion and Will Myes on double-readed Bach first. Andrew White, Thomas Welch and

Adam Shaw attempted to get some close harmony summer carols going, but Emily Edmondson deployed her sacred right to veto unsolicited male acupeller intrusions, and they were forced to go to the Gents and sing into a fat Bavarian mug. Lindsay Pope still has strawberry-centred hand-crafted wooden ornamental nutcracker kindle from Tristan Dessouser's Shippants Panic Last Minute Christmas Kiss, even though it's actually still summer-store, and Katie Koey's homemade Thurringian sunglasses were so opaque, she accidentally boiled, sliced, and served what she thought was a mega-summer vice-first, but was actually an overly-schnitzled and un-rouseable, calum-not. Thanks all.

Okay, that's the end of the podcast and the end of the series. Thank you. We'll be back with series 10. What? In September. But before we go, time to play a version of our scene tuned, sent in by one of you. And this is from Max. Dear Ben Henry and Mike, I was inspired to record a trumpet fanfare jingle. Oh, yes You have to play it at the end of the show. I call it Summon the Bean. Nice. Well thank you Max. Thank you everyone for listening. Thanks Max. Thank you everybody. Summer well. One and all. Summer well. And see you in September. That was great. Okay, as promised here's the details of our extra live show at Dundin Podcast Festival. It's on the 17th, which is the Sunday, 17th of September at 2pm. For

tickets, the Patreon presale for these tickets will start at midday, that's British time, British summertime, I guess, on Thursday, and then general release will go on sale at midday on Friday. And also just like the other two shows, you can get a live stream ticket if you'd like to watch it as a live stream. A ticket link will be sent to all of our Patreons and if you're trying to get tickets on general release, the place to go on Friday at midday is kingsplace.co.uk. Kingsplace.co.uk. Thank you.