Three Bean Salad - Pagans

Episode Date: October 6, 2021

Courtesy of Dr. P we present an episode on the theme of pagans. Fill your boots with golf, jet-skis, the history of rambling and the single moment at which the universe began, probably.Get in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpodFeaturing "Castanets, Multi, A (H1).wav" by InspectorJ (www.jshaw.co.uk) of Freesound.org

Can I start? Yes. Can I start with an immediate pompadou? Uh-oh. And now it's time for pompadou section. Pompadou. My feeling is we've got into a sort of pattern of the podcast starting. All right. Normally with Henry apologizing for whatever malfeasance he's carried out. So normally his microphone's not working or he's only wearing a pair of shorts on his head or... Do a partial plug-in.

Yeah. And then kind of the show begins with a kind of bit of, you know, scrappiness and that's the way in. And that's a style. But can we this week, just once, start with like an actual start where we introduce ourselves. Oh, wow. Maybe you've mentioned the format of the podcast. Well, if anyone feels able to say what that is, exactly. Who was it, Ben? Who was it who got to you? Oh, no. Someone's at the door. Hang on. Look, you're trying to do the intro to someone's

and banging on the door. Hang on. This is more like it. This is more like it, you see, Ben. This is what happens to us. We can't do a smooth, you know, professional opening. Something will happen. I just wanted for once there to be a bit of showbiz, a bit of pizzazz about the whole thing. I know what you mean. It would be nice to do a big glossy, a bit like the way they introduce some Premiership footballers on Sky Sports, you know, like Ronaldo and like, you know, like, you get a sort of three, you know,

you get a sort of image of that person walking forward and doing a sort of pre-rehearsed smile. Yeah. Yeah. And then stats appearing next to them. It's all right. What is it? It's addressed to me. Open the box. Hang on. Hang on. Is this, is this, is this, could be the spurbs this first? I don't remember ordering it. I wasn't expecting anything. It says, contains edible items. But it also says octopus. A live octopus. You've been sent a live octopus.

It's proven quite hard to... We can see if they do have a combi anus beak. Finally. And maybe ask if it's from space. I've opened the envelope, which is spewed forth a large amount of sort of gray ash for some reason. Oh, it's cremated octopus. Have you been sent the remains of your octopus arms? I don't know, but it's made an episode off. He has been spurred.

Oh. Oh, it's a present. Um, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a present. What it is. It's a, it's a present. A secret present. Yeah. I've had a long time for my birthday. So I, maybe I'll, um, maybe I'll save it. It's very nicely wrapped. Why do you think the sender included loads of ash? That's unclear. Was it included? Was it, was it? So it was a present and a threat at the same time? It seems so. Yeah. I probably should make a couple of calls and make sure that all my family members

are accounted for within the, um, the envelope. Look at this. It's within the lining of the envelope. It's full of this stuff. You know, you, you know what that is? It's, uh, bloody recycled cardboard. Can't, can't have cardboard these days when they says, but he made it have old blue rolls we used by bloody vegetarians to wipe their beanie arses. Sorry. I was just, uh, I, the other thing I wanted to say was, I think we should make the podcast a bit more Clark's than me

just to bring in that kind of side of the audience, you know? Yeah. Because I think a lot of our audience open it out a sort of nice people set of all these bloody snowflakes. Yeah. Right? That what you're saying? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think we need a bit more of this sort of upper middle aged man demographic that are really fed up, fed up with all of it. Just wish it would just go back to how it was.

Fed up with these bloody eco warriors with their bloody hairy arms and their bloody shoes made of carrots. Desire for rights. Yeah. And for the rights of others. Okay. So the two things I want out of this, this week's show. Yes. Yeah. Big opening.

Sort of more kind of white style, shiny floor. Shiny floor, shiny floor. What's the, yeah, shiny ambiance. What's the equivalent of shiny floor in podcast world? Shiny. Probably a very echoey recording suite. A very echoey, yeah. Okay. So I want a bit of that. I mean, that's already been ruined by your delivery. Sorry. Secondly, I want us to be a bit more Clarkson.

Okay. And is that, that's purely just a wide now demographic? Yeah. Is it? Yeah. Yeah. Have you got a problem then with podcasts? Because there are certain podcast people that do podcast, which they always start with a bit of like, oh, is your zoom? Oh, yeah. I don't know. Oh, that's us.

And then, and then. That's literally us. Yeah. But then it is literally us. But I have found that a bit annoying in the past because I thought to myself, you could just edit this out. You're deliberately trying to come across as befuddled and charming. Whereas you could have edited it out. Are you hoping that you come across as befuddled and charming?

Because I think you come across as a bloody nuisance. Well, it's tricky, isn't it? But I think a lot of the time you can help yourself come across as befuddled and charming in these situations with, I'm sorry. By pretending you've got a cat. A, by pretending you've got a cat. Naming it something cute like Bluebell. Or B, which is bad news for Ben,

which uses a certain kind of background music. Why is that a bad news for me? Because you're going to have to make some music. You'll be the muggins. I'll have to create it. Oh, I see. So you want me to make some music that makes it feel kind of dum-pea-dum-pea-dum. Yes. Oh, can I see you?

There's a kind of... Oh, I think I'm on mute. Yeah. Don't, don't, don't. Hang on. Don't, don't. Oh, yeah. Okay.

Yeah, I can do that. And actually, when you do that, can we actually lay down now some of that sort of slightly contrived sort of technical problem? I think this is the opposite of what Ben is asking us for. What Ben is pleading us for. I know. But Ben is trying to take us through to the next era. I think we can workshop different openings to the show.

I think this is one of them, for sure. Okay. So let's try that one. Try them out, put them in front of a couple of focus groups. Yeah. Put up the flagpole and see who salutes. Okay. Well, let's, let's, let's try that one. So Henry, just to be clear, you're going to try and be as charming as possible.

Let's see how this turns out. Yeah. No, but Mike, you can help us off. So it'd be like, um... Oh, hang on. I am... Oh, Henry. Sorry.

Oh, um... My wife, my... Oh. Here he goes again. Oh. Bye, golly. Oh, what is it now? What window are we supposed to be clicking?

And do you think we'll be able to get in peace to work by now? Okay. This is really good. Now, if you keep that going, but I'm going to add a kind of clerks and element, then, to try and bring in the other side of the audience. Okay. Okay. Okay. So, keep going.

Yeah. Okay. Hang on, Henry. Why is everything on computers? Should I just go back to the good old days of going to the frontstop? Henry, that's not a cat. Oh, my God. He's got a problem with the...

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Don't plug it into the end of your day. Don't think it'd be easier if we did this interview by postcards.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Send to the post. Oh, my God. Please, I've got my... Oh, my God. I've got my dick stuck in my desk. I've got my dick stuck in my desk.

Ah! Ah-ha! My dick stuck in my desk. I think we hit a lot of key performance targets there. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Because what I can do is I can pan... I can pan the clerks and stuff far right in the earphone.

I can pan the befuddlement far left, so they're getting both sides, because both sides of the brain then are experiencing different things. Okay. The central brain will then sort of combine it into one sort of fully rounded experience. But your brain will be saying, I want to buy whatever this podcast is advertising. And before you know it, we're doing prizes.

We're offering people jet skis, chandeliers, cruise ship holidays. Yeah, because at the moment, we're just giving away jet skis willy-nilly without anything coming back to us. But I want to get to a stage where people are paying us to give away jet skis, because at the moment, our jet ski bill is huge. And my flat is full of jet skis. Where I grew up, which is not far from the... Sort of around Portsmouth area,

not far from the seaside, obviously. There's a few hot spots where the jet skis go. And they are universally accepted to be the arch-twats of the area. Yeah. They are universally despised jet skis. They're not really a mode of transport, are they? They just exist for you to go... But they didn't really have a kind of...

Yeah, no one's ever fished off a jet ski, or picked up their mum from hospital on a jet ski. Doesn't happen. So in Portsmouth, Mike, I assume there was a whole sort of section of the police that were on jet skis? I've never noticed any policing happening in the water at all. So in Portsmouth, as soon as you're in the sea, it's international waters like a meter in.

I think so, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What goes in the water stays in the water. Which is hence the spate of snorkeling mugging. Yeah. Lots of people get... Yeah, finding themselves being dragged into the shallows by a snorkelist

and mugged of all their goods. There's nothing you can do about it. And even if you are a snorkeler, you might get mugged by... You know, you might come across a gang of snorkelers. And watch out for the high tide. There's a lot of fraudsters knocking about. Yeah. Just bobbin' about treading water.

Yeah. What pretending to be crabs and... Ring the crab bell. And you can almost literally be catfished, can't you? That's where the phrase comes from, isn't it? Which is you'll think that you're conducting a holiday love affair with a... Trout. Well, with a trout.

You can sing it on its big trouty, well, trout-pout lips, aren't you? It's got this big burger lips that trouts have, which just make them very, very sexy. Tiny come-to-bed eyes. They've got those tiny come-to-bed eyes. Those lovely glassy come-to-bed eyes. The smooth, slick skin, scaly skin, which is just very, very sensual to the touch, isn't it? And very... Well, it's like a person who's experiencing an erotic event

is instantly covered in a slick moisture, aren't they? That's right. Because at the end of the day, sensuality is all about getting rid of friction. That's all it is. Exactly. When people are not in love with each other, they're experiencing essentially a form of maximum friction, isn't it? If they're slipping and sliding off each other, covered in goo, then they're in love. Or they're on a sort of Japanese game show.

They could be... The exception that bruised the rules. Game show, they could be in the buffet section of a... A flooded Marriott. A flooded Marriott. But it's flooded with lube. Or you could be just one of the... You know, it happens to several hundred people,

you're one of the unlucky people who's walking around on the street, underneath a plane in which someone is trying to dispose of a large quantity of lube by flushing it. Obviously, that's always one of the risks. Particularly if that lube is still frozen when it hits you. Well, then the lube is doing exactly the opposite of what it says on the tin. Or indeed, if it's still in the tin, if you get hit by a tin of lube. Obviously, most people don't use tin lube anymore. Well, for that very reason, because of the number of people being hit by tin lube at terminal velocity

when they're just going about their business. The other thing being, of course, once you open a can of tin lube, you have to use it for the best before date, which most people just simply don't have time for them anymore. The point being, you can fall in love with a trout, can't you, in the West Country. And before you know it. You look around, you say, where's the trout gone? And there's a catfish getting away on a jet ski.

Bye. And that's why people hate jet skiers. And all you've got then is the trout, the skin of the trout, which some people, it's quite sad to keep, because they still think that maybe I could change him. Although these days, you're probably not allowed to start a relationship with a trout, because they're probably bloody supposedly endangered, because apparently we're fishing too many things.

They can't even have fish and chips anymore, the British national dish. Oh, Ben, you're doing a great job of Clarkson and things up a bit. It's within me. It's coming natural. These bloody eco, you know, there'll be some eco, one of these eco, eco, henchmen, eco, what do they call them? Well, some eco slob called, you know, probably called Brian or something, or Sally. With their armpit hair so low, you know, bloody hell, there's more things living in your armpits than there are in opacity.

So maybe I could just let me, opacity, and you get on with your flip-flops, the hair coming out of you. It feels like Henry's less good at channeling me. It's not a natural note for Henry. The thing is, Ben, exactly. But he's supposed to be so adorable, isn't he? Well, he's a metropolitan elite, that's the thing. He's a North London metropolitan elite,

which is the polar opposite of the Clarkson, which is the sort of more regional thinking common sense laden chap. The common sense of the home counties. Do they know about Clarkson in America? I don't know. I was wondering whether we need to explain to Americans who Clarkson is. He's definitely got international reach. He's a broadcaster, a car broadcaster.

He also writes books called things like, am I mad? Is it just me? He's very much of the gang that says, oh, you can't say that anymore, while saying that, which he can do. To an audience of millions. You can't even eat tuna these days, because apparently, when you're fishing for tuna, you sometimes catch a dolphin. Well, I'd love to eat a dolphin.

Try and stop me, Herman Van Rompuy. Yeah. Also, who are these people putting fins on dolls? What's wrong with an old fashioned doll without a fin? Yeah, again, again, it's coming naturally to Ben, but I think you're struggling a bit. You're going down the more surrealist kind of medium route. Oh, what's that? Aqua Barbie?

What's wrong with a good old fashioned Barbie? Yeah, because Ken can't have a dick anymore, can he? Can never have a dick. You bloody spanner. He's the dickless king. I'd love it if Henry got behind a UK wide campaign to bring back Ken's dick, which never existed in the first place. It'd be the perfect metaphor for Brexit.

Is it time to get the B machine going? It absolutely is. Okay, well, this week's theme, as picked by the B machine, it's freshly dropped out. It was sent in by Dr. P. Thank you, Dr. P. And it is. Pagans. A topic with which we have to tread was the smallest amount of courtesy and care,

because they do exist in the modern day. It's a side note. Oh, I see. There are people who genuinely regard themselves as modern-day pagans. Yes, and we ought to be respectful of that. Well, it depends. Do you want to wake up one Sunday morning and find that your hands and feet have been replaced with trosses or not? It's up to you. Now, I know this is quite irregular, but I'm going to start with an email we've received.

Turning the format on its head. We are reinventing the format here. Please, if anyone's driving, slow down, find a lay-by. Assume the brace position. Assume the brace position, because, yeah, wow. Okay. It's from our old friend Stephen Smith, the proprietor of the Soup Dragon Cafe. Yes.

And toilet. Soon to be Dragon Tech. Yes, for those that don't know, Dragon Tech is the name that you're going to give the business once you've staged a hostile takeover, where you want to turn the Soup Cafe into a tech company. Yes. That's right. By the way, there's something on Twitter, they've got a huge sort of metal dragon, haven't they?

They have got a huge metal dragon. As part of their cafe. Quite cool. Well, cool until it becomes sentient and comes for you, Henry. Yes, then it'll be less cool. And that, I wouldn't, yes, it's possible that is the plan. So, Stephen gets in touch and he says a few things. One of them is that how many times the Pompadoo discount has been invoked?

Oh, yeah. He says it took two weeks for someone to come in and mention the discount. And he got a call from Michelle, his waiter, saying someone had spoken the code word. And it turns out he wanted to do it, but his wife wouldn't let him. And she was too embarrassed to allow him to truly invoke the Pompadoo discount, which I want to remind everyone is 20% off all food and drinks, not including hot chocolate and mocha. He said it's only been invoked three times for real.

And that with one of the listeners, he had enough spare time to turn the lights on the metal dragon and put the saddle on it for his young lad. Oh, very good. So, it sounds if you go there and you maybe have children, they will saddle up the metal dragon and... And you can pose for photos? Well, I assume so, yeah. You know, this is all, I don't want to sort of piss on his parade,

but this is all such great marketing stuff for Dragon Tech when it does take off. It's there for the take-off. To have a mascot in place already is a huge advantage for any tech company. Well, it worked for the Google Bat, didn't it? And the Amazon Macro? It worked for the Google Bat, the Amazon Macro catching a bargain. That was it, wasn't it? Yeah.

Okay. Well, so Stephen's quite a long email, lots of information. He describes how the bridge in the village has been washed away by rain and closed the road. What a word. So, he's now holed up with just the metal dragon of company, I imagine. And he also says, the first effects of the Pompidou discount being mentioned by us were a few five-star reviews showing up on TripAdvisor from people who I don't think had been in simply saying Pompidou,

nothing about the business. Oh, well, so the review itself was just the word Pompidou, five stars? I'm not sure that's a positive for a business, sorry. Well, unless the business is the Pompidou centre, that'd be. But yeah, otherwise. So, I think I would just, I want to say probably don't do that if you're... Yes, don't do that because there will be a few customers that are going there that don't listen to the podcast, won't they?

A small handful, I imagine. That'd be a handful. That'd be confusing. Yeah. Yeah. They are a business at the end of the day. We don't want to ruin anyone's life quite so directly. Anyway, the reason why I brought up the email under the banner of paganism or pagans,

yeah, he says, I'm getting married on Tuesday. I'm having a pagan celebration over an anvil, getting married to a ginger witch. Wow. And he said, I'll send you a photo and I would love to see a photo of that. So, that sounds phenomenal. Yeah. So, just want to say happy wedding. So, he's having a pagan wedding.

I think he might already be married by now, actually. That's amazing. And I don't know what our pagan wedding involves, but... With a huge metal dragon doing these. Doing the ceremony. Smelting the ring in his own sort of mouth, live. Well, he does say there's an anvil involved. So, yeah, maybe.

So, yeah, very many happy returns to you, Stephen. Very cool. And your ginger witch wife. I don't know if she'd be happy to be referred to as a ginger witch, that's what you've written. But I don't think he means witch proactively. I think it's a positive thing. Well, yeah, you just assume so if he's marrying one of them. May Odin smile on your phallus.

Let's try and be a bit more respectful, Henry, of people's systems of belief. Sorry. So, Mike, how do you think we need to proceed in order to be respectful? I don't want to offend anyone. I don't know, it exists, doesn't it? Well, they might call themselves modern pagans or neo-pagans. But pagans, most people when they mean pagans,

they mean people who never did not call themselves pagans. Right? They mean people who just weren't Christians. And someone came along and said, yeah, you with your worshipping the wind. You're a bloody pagan, you are. I'm all what? You're a pagan. Not.

You are. It's what we're calling you, you're calling you pagans. I don't like it. Well, that's what we're calling you. And we're the ones who can write, so get stuffed. That's how it's going down. Good luck getting your bard trying to battle so many books and chronicles.

You know the film Midsommar? Oh, yeah. Is that all pagan? Yeah, that's pagan. And that's just getting hit by a big hammer, right? That's getting hit by a big hammer. I've not actually seen it. I've not actually seen Midsommar.

I don't think you need to, do you? Henry's described it to us in detail in the past. I have no desire to see it now from what Henry has told us about it. So Midsommar, it's a horror film. It's a horror film that's about a group of people that live in the old pagan ways. They're close to nature and stuff, but it's laced with a grilly grim horror

and sort of enforced euthanasia of 70-year-olds through being trucked off a cliff. So is there a specific age you hit when you have to go off the cliff? Yeah, there's an age you hit, and they go willingly. They go willingly. That's what's quite dark. Based on an old kind of Viking thing, isn't it?

But I don't know if the Viking thing is a real thing, or if it's one of those things like they had horns on their hats, which they didn't. I don't know if it's one of those bits of Viking trivia. And also, and the whole thing about invading other countries and all the boats, all that's made up, isn't it? They didn't, they used jet skis. They didn't have beards, they used jet skis,

and obviously, the pillaging, none of that actually happened. No, they just came over with crates full of Tupperware, trying to sell it. They're just trying to sell Tupperware. They did some quite aggressive leafletting. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They were a pain. They were a wrong.

Yeah, they were a pain. Very, very pushy. So, you know, the monks wrote them up and gave them bad notices. So what's the Viking myth that they all died at 70? If you got to a certain age in the tribe, and you were no longer of any bloody use, you could no longer stove anyone's head in, you were no longer any good on the farm or fishing,

then in the interest of freeing up a bit of space, and less mouths to feed, let's chuck you off a cliff, and maybe say at the same time, it's an offering to Odin or someone to sweep the cave. I've heard that about other civilizations as well, what they would do is just leave them on the top of a hill, and they would die of exposure if they'd become a burden. But that's, I think that's also how old people first got into Warcloth.

That was the beginnings of Ramblin. That was the beginnings of Ramblin, because you'd leave them, you'd leave an elderly couple on the hill. With a couple of candle-mint cakes. And they'd say, if we're going to die of exposure, we might as well enjoy a few nice vistas while we're at it. And then if they run into some other old people that have been left to die by their relatives,

they'd say, hello to each other, hello, and that's how that tradition of saying hello to people on walks started. And then of course, Millet's cottoned on to what was going on. Opening shops, on the side of the mountain, selling boots, hats, etc. B&Bs started out, you know. Yeah, but they couldn't come down off the mountains. That's why they invented B&Bs. Yeah, and soon enough, someone had to invent the pub lunch.

So these people had someone to go. Also, that's where the lamb roast was invented, wasn't it? Because there'd be sheep up there. And as a result of that, if you're inventing that, then you need to invent a chef. Then you need to invent the chef. Probably a waiter as well. Someone to keep the bar before you know it.

They're generating jobs for young people in the area. And the young people think, oh, maybe these guys are not such a waste after all. Because I can get a few shifts on a weekend. And they're big tippers, aren't they, these people? They're big tippers. And then once everyone's got their nice tummies full of roasts, they've got enough energy, it's going to build a bloody henge, lads. Oh, and that's Stonehenge?

Yeah. What's your thing that Stonehenge was like a sort of early pub where they would serve lamb roasts? It was an early marker for someone new where, so they should put the A303 as the perfect artery between London and the Southwest. They often say, don't they, or it's true that all of our current Christian festivals that are kind of the big deal in Britain, your Christmases, your Easter's, your Whitsons, you know, Pancake Day, Guy Fawkes Night.

St Olaf's Weekend. St Olaf's Weekend. Smash It's Polewinds Party. Smash It's Polewinds Party. And of course, The Rider Cup. And of course, The Rider Cup, which was, that's an ancient pagan ritual where the testicle of the king. Savvy Belesteros. It was an early member of the Belesteros clan would be cut off and whacked around a hill with sticks.

Wouldn't it? As a form of... As a form of networking. Yeah, as a form of networking, because it's a nice way to relax on a weekend. But yeah, all those things are pagan, originally pagan festivals. So Christmas was called Saturnalia, I think. Is that right? Yeah.

I'm saying a lot of wrong things recently on this podcast. People are getting angry. So I'm retent to say anything these days. But yes, I mean, that is definitely a phenomenon that is happening. I suspect those people will eventually tune out, because I think if you're pedantic listening to this podcast, it's going to be unbearable. It's going to be hard, it's going to be hard, it's going to be a hard hour, isn't it? There is no fact checking credit on this podcast, as people may have noticed.

And if there was, it probably would have credited the wrong person. Yeah, so East, so what they tend to be, those pagan festivals are quite phallocentric, aren't they? Yeah, and most of the time, pagans come up in films the like of what you've mentioned before. It's violence and banging, isn't it? Yeah, it's violence and banging. So things like East, so then the Christians kind of gave them a kind of a more acceptable sort of coating, didn't they?

I don't know. Well, what was it? Say, Easter was something to do with a giant rabbit laying eggs, isn't it? Easter would have been some sort of really weird pagan belief that... Yeah, this goes back to 2042 CE, at which point Wessex was ruled by a giant rabbit. Right, okay, yeah. CE. So far as we know.

Common era. Come on, Ben. Get with the program. Is it not B3? You can't even say BC anymore. No, you're not supposed to say BC anymore. You're supposed to say BCE or CE. What?

Yeah, come on. Come on, mate, you must have heard of that, surely? Can't even say BC anymore. He's off. So hang on, hang on, hang on. I think you can. I think people mostly couldn't give a toss either way. I've got to plug my car into a socket in the wall like a Hoover.

And I can't say that Christ's birth is the point around which we change the way we think about time. This country. It's going to be chaos, isn't it? It's going to be absolute chaos. How are you going to meet up with people? How are we going to all... I'm just going to want to know whether or not you're meeting them in BC or CE. Are you coming to Phil's...

Two o'clock when? Two o'clock when? Before, common era, or after? Which one? Are you coming to Phil's party? When is it? Well, it's 2021 years and seven months, 15 days after the birth of our Lord. You can't say that anymore.

So CE stands for common era. Yeah. Which for me, what does that mean? That's your new AD. Why is it... What? That's the replacement for AD. Instead of making it all about the D.

What does Anno Domini stand for? Year of our Lord. Oh, okay. They're trying to make it broader so you don't have to bring the old Lord into it. Phil's not your bag. I guess it makes sense. And then what's the replacement for BC? BCE, before common era.

But does no one notice that the time when common era begins is kind of when Jesus was born? It's exactly the same point, yeah. They should move that. What's the new starting point? Where are we saying the new zero is? Probably when we started the podcast. Okay. Yeah.

Oh, go French Revolution style. Year zero. Also, why do we have to choose metric or imperial? Isn't there a halfway house? For years. Metric years. Are you sick and tired of these bloody metric years? Being rammed down your throat by Europe.

I'm sick and tired of these metric years, yeah? Because the week isn't metric. The week is seven, isn't it? Seven days a week. Days aren't metric either. Days aren't metric. So how the hell is Jesus going to spend 10 hours? Days is an absolute bloody nightmare, 100 hours in an hour.

It's a mess. You're coming to Jeff's party. When is it? Ten stone. It's starting in 14 and a half pints. Yeah, it's a bit all over the place, isn't it? We've got metric this, we've got imperial that. What's your point?

I was trying to start, but there's nothing. There's got to be something to go angry about somewhere and all that. I think in terms of starting the new year zero, if we're moving from a religious to a scientific perspective, I think, this is how I see it, I think the year zero should be the nearest we can get to the first moment that an organism was conscious. Because that's when the universe... Particularly if we're after quite a precise calendar.

Well, because doesn't that mean that if you... Because at the moment that would mean if you achieve that, year zero would have to have a sort of 30,000-year range, wouldn't it? Wait, it might be... So you'd be like, when were you born? And you scale it up a few thousand years down the line, you're like, what year was I born? And you were born between the years 17 million, 2,500,

and 70 million, 2,600. New era. There may have to be a bit of give in the system now, but or can the scientists work it out? Because the way I see the world is, the universe, it didn't actually exist until it was perceived by a conscious organism. Oh my God, this is heavy philosophy. Yeah.

So what we need is... How far do you take that? Well, do you think Ben and I are real? Am I conscious? Well, I know that I'm real because I'm conscious, right? Now, I can't prove that you guys are, but there's absolutely no bloody way I'd still be doing this every week. Do you know what I mean?

Like, you just are. You know what I mean? Come on. You know what I mean? Like, there are... You know what I mean? Like, I just... You definitely...

Well, Ben, for example, troubleshoots quite a lot of your technological difficulties. Exactly. Because it doesn't apply that he is real. Yeah, exactly. So, you know, you can make little exceptions like that. And if Mike wasn't real, he wouldn't have worn those flip-flops to the live show.

You couldn't have written that, exactly. Exactly. There's no way that I would have come up with those. I wouldn't have imagined those flip-flops. No one could. No one could. So, that helps. So, that helps.

I think, yeah, you're looking at... What's the first consciousness? I mean, I'm guessing it's crustacean. So, you think it should be like Krabby or a C? You should stand for Krabby or a... Krabby. And of course, as we know, that's the direction evolution is heading into.

So, it's actually evolution is circular. It's what it's sounding like. It could be that it's circular. Also, I think you have to be conscious. Don't need to decide to leave the oceans, because that's a big change. You know, that's the kind of thing that you're going to talk about with your family.

You're going to want to... You know, as you're moving from living under the sea to living up on a beach. What if you're just sprapped out by a tsunami, minding your own business, and all of a sudden, you're in a nest? Well, I think that would wake you up to consciousness. I think you'd be pretty conscious,

pretty bloody fast, actually. Um, if you're a prawn, and you're next to a couple of cheaping sparrows suddenly, and there's a mega sparrow trying to drop worms in your mouth. You know what I mean? It's an adopted prawn. So, it's possible... You should know that.

The first contrast creature is probably an adopted prawn. There's already sparrows in this world. There's sparrows. There's a prawn who's being raised by sparrows. But birds aren't conscious, Ben. Have you seen what they get up to? I don't think they're fully conscious. They're basically feathered drones.

Okay. They're feathered drones, and the joystick is in the hands of a toddler. Anyway, what I think you were trying to say was that the emergence of crabs was the emergence of consciousness. Well, it's possible, but some animal would first become conscious, and it might just be aware of some shades or shadows

or something just quite simple. And that's where we should start the calendar. And that's where we should start, because that's where really the universe, for me, blinks into existence, isn't it? The first time it's perceived. But there's a difference between vision and consciousness, isn't there?

Yeah, but yeah, again. I mean, it could have just... You could have... Tricky. Something could have just felt a bit warm. Or itchy. Yeah, or something might have felt a bit itchy. And then suddenly, the universe blinks into existence, doesn't it?

Well, cheers to Dr. P, I suppose. Thanks, Dr. P. Thanks, Dr. P. That was paganism. I mean, I don't feel like we've that comprehensively covered the topic, but we did come up with a whole new system for the way that we think about time. So if you have your own ideas for things

you might want us to talk about, send them to 3beansaladpod at gmail.com. You can also send us emails on any topic. For example, Ben, not from Bremen, emails. So this is a classic read email, okay? Because last week, I said a few things that weren't necessarily correct. I tried to head some of those off at the pass.

For instance, I said that the hippo from Rainbow was called Jeffrey. He was, of course, George. I fessed up to that during the podcast. You did, yeah. I was contrite. I'm sorry. We also talked about what I described as the knight's tail.

The Chaucerian tail from the Casper tail. The eyebrow podcast. The Chaucerian snorefest. Ben writes, it's the miller's tail beans. The miller's tail. I had to pause the podcast to deal with this, he writes. With the bum. The one with the bum.

I also got the bum story wrong. Oh, really? What was it? What was poked out of the window? Oh, there was a bum. Oh, there was a bum. Okay, yeah. Absalom.

Yeah. Oh, I think it's the main character. We don't need to be told that. Yeah. Kisses. Allisoon's arse. And he thinks her pubes are a beard. Oh, what?

We see. So we previously said that it was a man putting his bum out, but it's Allisoon and her PB beard. And now, and with that fact, and of course, bearing in mind the fact that the man is a miller, the whole thing makes complete sense now, doesn't it? It's just a sort of, yeah. Let me take it all back.

Ben continues, later he gets farted on and is almost blinded by the force of it. By Allisoon, again, by the same... So I think... Same arse. I'm sure there's a bit where someone like Allisoon puts their bum out of the window. Then Absalom hits Nicholas in the arse with a red hot poker.

Okay. Not sure who Nicholas is. Well, thank you, Ben, not from Bremen for clearing that up. And particularly for anyone currently studying for their GCSEs. But I'm still, I mean, I might have to go back and read the original text to get the true meaning of what's going on there with the Fast and the Furious. It's so much better in the original,

you know, that whole big sort of bells and whistles Netflix series. It's just not... I prefer the musical, personally, but that's just my personal taste. Can't it be tells the musical? With, of course, Michael Ball's arse is being hung out of that window. It's quite... Oh, but to hear that arse sing.

Yeah, the dexterity involves... Doesn't need a microphone. It's extraordinary. Yeah. Even in a 3,000-seater theatre. That's class, isn't it? Starring Michael Ball's singing arse. It's the Canterbury Tales live on stage for the first time.

I just feel sorry for the poor person who's the understudy for his arse. Well, yeah. Must be so tense every night. No, you know, getting your arse ready, singing out all those scales and stuff. There's disappointment. You know, the crowd's going to be so disappointed not to be seeing the actual bona fide arse of Michael Ball. Yeah.

And you can tell. It's not a pressure. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, you get coach loads of people going home early, don't you? Going to the interval, just going to sod this. Let's go back to the home count. Tim Rice actually stood in.

Terrific. What was the question? It wasn't. It was a bollocking. It was a bollocking from Ben. Fair enough, though. And I think that, I mean, that really is the dynamic between the listener and us in this section, which is essentially we say things, sort of half remembered things.

And then people who actually know, because for example, they're an Antarctic scientist, just slightly, lightly bollockers. And I'm happy with that. You can choose between the next topic where either entering the flightless bird zone or we're sort of discussing the way that Americans might perceive the podcast. I'll go for the latter, please, if only for an excuse to hear the American jingle. America. America.

I'd like two tickets for the Chattanooga choo choo. Get me the D.A. A slice of old mama's apple pie down the animal in New York City. Oh, just give up now. You'll never be an actor, Mr. Plemons. Burgers. This is from Dan from Virginia. That's exciting.

Now, he says, what dug itself into my brain this episode was when you made a passing reference to Chewbacca. I believe that Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and all other Americans, I don't think Luke Skywalker or Han Solo are Americans, but I understand what he means. They're played by American actors. Pronounce it Chewbacca. What? But C-3PO and all Brits pronounce it Chewbacca.

Did we all find the character with our accent and then copy them? Or was there another vowel shift somewhere in the 80s? How does Chewbacca say it? Mwaaah! What kind of noises did he make? Mwaaah! Well, one thing he certainly never says is he never calls himself, he never says Chewbacca.

And I can't imagine him saying Chewbacca or Chewbacca either way. I can't imagine him being able to articulate those sounds at all. So is that his name? Or is his name? Oh, that's good. And is everyone just being a bit rude? So we've all got it wrong. A bit like when someone, a foreign student comes to a university in this country and

the lecturers just decide to call them Cindy, instead of attempting to recreate their actual name. Terrible. Also, how can you tell when Chewbacca's gargling? Very hard. Is he gargling? I don't know, might be. You might just be saying hi.

I don't, can I just say, in relation to that email, I understand, I don't, I understand neither the terms of the question. Nor the question. Wow. Well, that's a true culture clash then between Dan from Virginia and Henry from North London. You weren't even able to pick apart the different vowel sounds that Ben presented to us in reading the email. To you, it just sounded like, I can't do the Chewbacca sound.

How'd you do it? The first thing you needed is you need to summon a bit of, of ideally slightly phlemy saliva, don't you, into the back of your mouth and then... I can't do it. I can't roll my soft palate. That's why the only thing we know about the actor that played Chewbacca is that he must have been French. That's all, that's all anyone knows.

Why? And, well, no, that control of the rear palate, because you know the way they say... Ah, yes. That's what, that's what the noise a French person makes if you push them off a cliff. So we know that... They're to sample loads of people. They push hundreds of French people off a cliff to sample. Is that how they teach the French children to do it?

They push them off a cliff onto a sort of soft, pillowy surface down below. That's right. They've got it. It's a harsh lesson, but they have to learn it. What sound does a Scandinavian make as they fall off a cliff in mid-summer? That's exactly it. Uh, lovely. Um, Craig from the USA, emails.

Dear Beans, your newest America jingle is hugely problematic. Uh-oh, he hasn't had the bits we didn't put in. Like many people, I often listen to podcasts while driving. This week, I found myself behind the wheel when the America jingle first played during the Jeffries episode, and I was forced to immediately cut a hard right across three lanes of traffic, hark in the highway shoulder, get a flag out of my trunk, and stand and salute it while the jingle played. If this wasn't dangerous enough, the tears of patriotic pride in my eyes

made it very difficult to steer. Please consider the safety of your American listeners, and do not air the America jingle again. Thank you very much, Craig. Or at least not while anyone's driving. Yes. Crumbs. Well, we don't think about these things, do we?

The real-world implications of a stirring. But does that... Is there not a loophole? Is there not an exception? Because it's the Jimi Hendrix one where he set fire to his guitar. I mean, I don't think... You know what I mean? But Ben didn't set fire to his guitar when he played that on the jingle.

Do you not set fire to your Cassio? He drowned it. I don't have a Cassio guitar, Henry. It's a much more humane way to kill a guitar. Did you sample that from the original, Ben? Or did you play it? You played it. I played it, yeah.

I'm not joking. I thought that was Hendrix's finger. I thought he's used the Hendrix. And I thought it must be one of those ones where, because it's less than 10 seconds, so you're allowed to use it for free or something. Like the five-second rule of food falling on the table. Yes, this is a rule for copyright.

The rule is less than 10 seconds, so you can use it. This is a rule for copyright. Just chop it up and render little chunks. And you're all right. Yeah, and give it quick blow. Blow on it quickly. You'll be fine. Yeah, that was wild Axeman Benjamin Partridge himself.

Oh, you should have seen me recording it, Henry. Topless, wind machine on. Back arched. Back arched. Onion knees? Onion knees. Onion knees. Cigarette wedged in the headstock.

Another cigarette and the whole pack of cigarettes in your GI helmet. Yeah. Strapped in. I actually was wearing my pajamas, I think. It's probably quite a pathetic sight. Beautiful work. Nicol Ably, who is from British Columbia. We're going an all North America email section.

Dear Beans, I came across this article about how cassowaries, so we're entering the flightless bird zone, by the way. Jolly good. Welcome to the flightless bird zone. No, please, not my face! Cassowaries were domesticated long before chickens and other birds. Not very successfully, I would argue. Yeah.

And knowing your love of the flightless and sexy bird, I thought you might be interested. And then they send us a link to a new story. This has been covered around the world, I believe. So in this article, it says that the reason why they were domesticated before smaller fowl, who are less likely to be able to eviscerate you, is that they imprint very easily. So they become attached to the first thing it sees after hatching.

So as long as the first thing a cassowary baby sees when it hatches is a human, they're on side and they're not going to tear your heart out with its claws. You've got a kind of imperial guard. You've got your magnificent, clucking imperial guard. They're coming to you wherever you go. And potentially falls in love with you, like in that film. The life of Colonel Galafy. When he went through his cassowary period.

Maybe we should try and raise an official three bean salad cassowary. I mean, obviously we don't all live in the same place. But it could have to gather for the hatching. Well, it could hatch and just see the zoom screen when it's spawn. And then we have all three of us as dads. I'd feel safe. Finally. And finally, to the theme tunes that people have sent in.

Yet more theme tunes. We've got three to choose from. So we've got a few queued up. So I guess I'll get you to choose one. I don't want to give away what they are though. So maybe I'll give you the names of the people who sent them in and you can choose. So it's between Rebecca, Joe and Huckleberry. Are you leaning to anyone there, Henry?

For some reason, Joe really popped out. Who's this Joe fellow? That's what I'm thinking. Joe it is then. OK, so Joe writes, dear Elbinos, long time listening. First time emailer, here is a lukewarm synthesizer based version of your theme tune. After hearing the amazing thrash metal version of your theme, which we had a couple of weeks ago,

I seriously toyed with the idea of pretending to be an eight year old in order to encourage a more favorable reception of this mediocre ditty. So he's doing himself down. The truth is, however, I'm 36 years old and I was in a Depeche Mode tribute band for seven years. Oh, nice. I think he's worried that that's going to raise our expectations. Not that I know.

Well, I'm already impressed. Anything we hear now is a bonus as far as I'm concerned. He doesn't say anything about the success or otherwise of the Depeche Mode tribute band. Mike, anyone can be in a Depeche Mode tribute band. Do you know what I mean? There's no credentials there. He's like, how do you even define it?

I mean, I could tell you right now I'm in a Depeche Mode tribute band. Well, it depends how you define it, okay? Yeah, but it's not about the quality of the band or the success of the tribute band. It's putting your neck on the line, sticking your head above the parapet. That's what counts. To declare to the world, to stand before the world and say,

I am or was in a Depeche Mode tribute band. For seven years. Take strength. Yeah, it does. And that in and of itself should be celebrated. Very tricky to pun on the name Depeche Mode to come up with your tribute band name, Depeche. I know that's what I was trying to do that.

Because you got to use a bilingual pun. Oh yeah, could he let us know what they call themselves? I think what I would do is I would move to France and I would be playing the music of Depeche Mode while dressed as a peach and I'd be called Lepeche Mode. Not bad. I've got one. I'd call it Depeche Modular.

Because if something's modular, it means it could sort of repeat it, isn't it? So what I'd be suggesting is that the band, the band, Depeche Mode are in fact modular. So you can actually, do you know what I mean? Sort of swap them out for you. Swap them out for me in my band. Okay.

And Mike? I would cover everyone in the band in blue tattoo ink and call them Depeche Wode. That'd be a spin on it. And there'd be a little bit of kind of picked music sprinkled in. Nice. A bit of flavour. Nice.

I can't believe it. It was staring us right in the face. None of us thought of Depeche Chode. So shame. Or if for any reason, your body suddenly became covered in warts, you could just become Depeche Toad. That's really harsh.

Okay, we're going to get a nodding toad expert emailing and now we're going, those aren't warts. Those are their boils. They're boils. Those are their beautiful colourations and these magnificent creatures are actually some of the most intelligent on earth.

No, they're not. They're disgusting, warty, cursed beasts. They're a poor man's frog. They're a poor man's frog. They are of the slimy things of the earth and they are beneath contempt. I didn't, I never imagined when we began this podcast that it would end with Henry absolutely slamming toads.

Okay, I'll tell you why. On my honeymoon, we went for a romantic meal. Of toad, of toad meat. Toad. The toad roast. No, it was toads of lackey. We went, on my home, we went for a romantic meal, right?

In a beachside restaurant. I'm not going to tell you which island we were on. Because it was one with sea toads. Giant sea toads. It's one with giant man eating sea toads. No, I'm not going to tell you which island we were on because I don't want people turning up there thinking maybe I could, I don't know.

Catch Henry Packer in the wild. But essentially we had a lovely, beautiful meal and there was an outdoor pianist. Can you imagine? With a piano, with an outdoor pianist playing it. Yeah, no, that's what I assumed you meant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jazz standards.

And it was the most perfect night. Everything was perfectly set up. Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars. And then, Let me tell you we'll find a world life is like on Jupiter. Is that you stepping on a toad? That was me stepping on toad after toad after toad. Every time I went to the toilet.

And there was this toad and it was in a little sort of decorative pond. And it did that thing where its whole chin goes massive into a big, into a big ball, it's a transparent ball. Yeah, yeah. And every time we did that went, it was so loud. It was unbelievable. And it just literally ruined, it ruined the whole night.

And I went and I looked the thing in the eyes. And of course, in the old days, I'd have said to the metrodae, I'll have that, brulee it. I'll have it, just whiz up the internal organs in the lower body. And if you can crush the head down into a paste, heat it up with a little mini, when there's little mini flame throwers, crisp it up, I'll have a little toad brulee. But of course, these days you can't do that.

So this toad completely ruined our evening. So if you are that toad and you're listening to this, then please enjoy this version of our title track. Of our theme tune by a man who used to be in a Tepechevote Dreaming van.