Three Bean Salad - Pasta

Episode Date: September 25, 2024

It’s drive time on Bean FM and this week the lukewarm hits are in the key of “pasta” thanks to Matt of Bremen! We’ve got all the latest celebrity gossip, updates from Bonjamin’s traffic drone, weather from The Onion Child, something about sport presumably and unlimited adverts!! Call 0800-RIGATONI now with your crazy pasta story and you could win a sieve moulded from the face of Chris Tarrant!!!With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Merch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [e-mail] @beansaladpod

Yesterday I think I came across an actual gangster. Woah! Seriously? Yeah. Before I go any further I've got a bad throat, that's why I sound like this. You're not trying to ape the gangsters? It's not because you've joined his crew. You ended a crash course.

Ben, there's one thing I need to change about you to make you the hardest gangster in the history of the East. It's the voice, that's all it is, you've got everything else. He's had you gargle some cheap whiskey in aggregates, hasn't he? Until it's done the job. So I was in London, which is where the gangsters live. Yep. Yep.

I was in and it turns out this is where gangsters hang out and I, I wouldn't have foreseen this. Yeah. The bit, the big water stones. Yes. On Piccadilly. Of course. Yeah.

Yeah. Is it really? The big one on Piccadilly Circus. These are West End style gangsters. Oh yeah. Rubbing shoulders with the glitter arse. Well, it's the, it's the only waterstones with, with it, with a cock fighting rink on the fifth floor.

There's a cock fighting rink. And it is an ice rink and those cock fights as a result are wonderful to watch. They're absolutely fabulous. And it's not surprising that that gangsters coach in from around the world, don't they, to watch those ice rink cock fights. I mean, it's a good water stones. On one side you have Piccadilly. Yeah. But you can also-

So we're talking, just to give people an idea of how magical it is, we're talking Lily whites, basically effectively a giant sports direct. We're talking- Large boots, two story boots actually. Two story boots. It's the boots with the longest floss of any boots. You can only buy unreal floss. You just chop a length off the reel. Yeah, and there's a, oh it's a magical place isn't it? There's a big advert for Sanyo, is that still there?

Huge advert for Sanyo. Does Sanyo still exist? Not sure, but the advert's still there. There's normally a few score Spanish teenagers being made to take a picture next to Eros and I'm unsure why. That's right, London's least interesting statue probably. Yeah, really tiny, a fairly bodged job I'd say if you look at it up close it's a fairly interesting statue. It's not of any real interest, it's not doing anything to them emotionally, it's nothing to them. It's not a good sculpture. He's got slightly squiffy eyes if you look up close. I've never actually looked at it. He's got, it's just, no one does. That's the thing.

Well, he himself is part of a criminal gang, is he not? Because he's there to distract people long enough that someone can grab his selfie stick and make good their escape on the Piccadilly line. That's it. His real name is, is, is, uh, two foot Archie Peterson. And he's, um, he's just a very, very small gangster. He was patinaed in the late sixties. That's right. And he's just sticking to his post. Uh, it is a really crap, weird bit of London. That is, oh, but it's magical, Ben. You've got Piccadilly Circus tube, which has, which has loads and loads of entrances. Oh yeah. Which get you down into the kind of, it's a kind of rotunda format tube stop, isn't it?

It'll have a tiny news agent in it, which will charge insane amounts of money for a pack of crisps. I noticed yesterday that in Paddington Underground, you know they have sometimes like a mini news agent down there? Yeah. Yeah. Paddington Underground has got a mini Biltong concession. Who's buying Biltong underground? Yeah. Yeah. Panic and underground has got a mini Bill Tong concession.

Who's buying Bill Tong underground? Was they queuing around the block? Can I say something to you, Ben? I know someone who's buying Bill Tong underground. Yeah. His name is Henry Richard Aaron Packer. Have you bought Bill Tong underground? I've bought Bill Tong underground. I'll buy it because Bill Tong, I've substituted built on in for

crisps in my life as much as possible. Wow. You're on a health kick. Well, I'm just trying. I'm taking I'm taking part in the protein revolution, Mike. I see. Oh, oh, oh, yeah. Come on, mate. Yes. I'm in agony and I absolutely love this. More pain crunch it, push it, flex it, more pain, smash it, sprain it. The path to beauty is prolapsed hemorrhoids. Henry's beefcake journey. What's been discovered recently is that by dietitians, nutritionists, et cetera, is that protein is actually the only thing you need, I think. You can wear it. You can bet it and protein. Yeah. And built on his protein rich. What it does, which is quite, it has a few

little bonuses that crisps don't do, but it is similar to crisps and it comes in a, in a packet about the size of a, I suppose like an average size, if you have to declaw and detail a London rat, an average rat, and sort of squidge it, put it in a sort of Breville toaster maker, sort of squash it, squidge it out. It's that sort of size, you know Makers or squash it squadge out. It's that that sort of size, you know, like a sort of, probably like a slight like a cricket glove. Whatever that size is a pack of crisps, it's the same size. Yeah, you get to open it at the top. But what it provides that crisps don't provide is which is great on the tube is as soon as you open that built on

everyone on the carriage knows that you're eating built on it has this meaty generosity to it. Well it's a meat feast guff isn't it? It's a meat feast guff. It's a boxing day guff basically. It's the morning after an Argentinian restaurant visit. Exactly that's right. It's an Argentine steakhouse guff, it's a boxing day guff. It's a kind of family guff. It's a Guff that all

the generations can enjoy. It's rich in nostalgia. As well as high quality protein. It's a very dewy eyed, rosy coloured Spectacles Guff you could say. Actually, it's the Guff promising more than actually life can deliver. It's the Guff you're supposed to wear rose tinted goggles to perform, isn't it? That's right. Yeah, because Henry, you say dewy-eyed, I think it's more like bringing tears to the

eyes of people. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But bloodshot eyes. If you're within a one metre perimeter, it's bloodshot eyes. Can be used to quell civil unrest. Exactly. Yeah, that's right. No, but it, because I am a bit self-conscious about it now because in a lift or something...

In a lift? something in a lift. That's brassy. Can't wait. Can't wait to get to floor two. He's got to have his built on. I've got to have a built on. But I basically I'm substituting it in for crisps. I used to eat always if I was on the go between A and B, I'd always eat in crisps because

otherwise how are you going to get through the experience? You know what I mean? I just found it like an emotional crotch. Well with Biltongue it's a literal emotional crotch and then you're eating. It's the goat crotch that they use isn't it? You're eating dry goat crotch. Certainly for more expensive Biltongs. I've also got into Biltongs and there's a parallel universe, which is the world of jerky.

So I had my first jerky in my life last week. Did you? Yeah. Okay. It was from Lidl, my local Lidl. And you know, they have stuff by the till to just get you to, oh, I'll just have a, you know. Yeah.

I have four kilos of jerky. It's normally mints or like gum. Mints TS. Yeah. It's m jerky. It's not really mints or like gum mints Ts yeah, yeah In my local little they've gone it's built on and jerky that shows how how little and M&S Approaching the market in different ways in it because M&S has the corridor you go through before the tills is When we've talked about how deliciously indulgent what their offering is, but you think you've made it through the shop.

Biltong, enrobed in quality Belgian chocolate. Buffalo throats, engorged. Zipped up in thick caramel. M&S has a thing which is there's the food and then around the food, a lot of supermarkets do this now, there's little packs, little bags of things you probably shouldn't eat hung up, little bags of crisps, little bags of chocolate buttons and stuff all hung up around the other stuff. So you think you made it through that and then obviously you go through the corridor of temptation, the ultimate chocolate corridor, isn't it? Of, of caramel

temptation just before the sales. And there, they're pulling out things you didn't even the ultimate chocolate corridor, isn't it? Of, of caramel temptation. Just before the sales and there that they're pulling out things he didn't even think could be enrolled in chocolate. Yeah. And if you dawdle for a moment, you yourself are going to have marshmallow pumped up your ass before exactly. So you've got to keep moving, but it's things like, you know, um, Andrew Ludweber's fingernails and roadrobed in salted caramel, dark, light milk chocolate. And they do things with pistachio nuts that are enrobed in chocolate and pretzels and

it's like, Jesus fucking Christ, so hard to get through. But little did it with meat. Is that what you're saying? Well, they've decided to go dried meat. They're getting dried meat. So I thought, oh, go on then, I'll buy some jerky. It works, doesn't it? Yeah. It was absolutely foul. There was definitely a sense that you were using the last piece of meat mechanically recovered from the spine of the animal and

anything else that could have been used on actual food. You dropped out the back of a van and was left in the staff car park while they closed over summer and when they came back they found this. Pack it up, sell it to Ben Partridge. But there's a sort of loophole where they've going, well, weirdly, we can't legally feed this to hogs. But no one's actually done the small print about... If a fully grown man in Cardiff decides... Decides, then... Against his better judgement to put this inside his body...

Legally he cannot touch us. And if he does, it's going to be the trial of the century. Let's do it. Because we're going to bring on goats. We're going to bring on Onyxes. The witness lineup is going to be unreal. It's basically dried cow anus, right? And stuff like that. It's just, it's the worst bit. It's necessarily fully dried. Sometimes it's a bit moist. Occasionally you get a chewy bit, don't you? Occasionally you get a bit of texture. Basically I was chewing on one bit for so long and it wasn't breaking down at all.

A jerky? Yeah, that I started to feel a bit nauseous and I was driving and I had to spit it out into my hand and I wasn't sure what to do with it and I sort of drove home with it in my hand. I didn't want to throw it out the window because that would be grim. Okay, well one thing I'd say is you need to work on your savanna levels of digestion because it's your first jerky and your body isn't used to it. So you haven't got that cowboy gut yet. You haven't got that cowboy gut.

But also you haven't got that, because you think about it, these are animals again, they're eaten by tigers and stuff. You probably you haven't got that. Can you think about these are animals are game on the eaten by tigers and stuff, you probably need to sharpen your teeth, sharpen your teeth, you regurgitate while eating, for example, get it down, get it up, get it down, get it up, swilling around the mouths of your young, the young for example, it's a really lovely way of doing it. It also helps make you tighter as a hunting pack. The jerky should be quite soft. I think that might be condemned jerky.

Which is, you're not allowed to serve to humans or hogs. You're actually not even allowed to use it as a weapon. It was quite soft. It was chewy. It was very chewy and it wouldn't go away. It was like chewing gum. It wasn't breaking down. It's not like a sort of Willy Wonka or Infini jerky. Yes, exactly. Maybe that's what it was. I think I need to go for a higher end Biltong or Jerky than... It could be that.

I think it's a good place to start. Yeah. But Biltong is one of those things where I've seen it on shelves my whole life and it just took one person just said, try Biltong, Henry. Do it. It's really good. And I did it and I never looked back to change my life. Mike, what's your, um, tried? I'm a huge fan of, I can eat built on all the, all the live long day. And I mean, it's, it's, it's in the blood. I mean, you've been to Namibia. I went, I, yeah. And I brought back a great big basically plastic bag full

of huge strips of built home as a gift from my father. And did he appreciate them? He was like a pig in the proverbial. He was very happy. It's nice isn't it because built on strips of course you can weave into a tank top or a... Prepare the bumper on your car. Yeah, so versatile. Anyway, I noticed recently you could buy underground.

Henry buys underground. Why are we talking about that? We're talking about Piccadilly Circus. Waterstones. Waterstones. Yes. So on one side Piccadilly Circus, and there's also the back entrance into there from German Street. Home of high-end shoes and clothes and people who look like butlers and shops where they call you, sir. Hello, sir. It's the World Centre for oleaginous service if you just go if you just want to just have a little

little boost your self-esteem just go into one of those shops and browse yeah i'm terribly sorry sir thank you very much sir would you please would you like to sit on this special stool sir there's so much of that isn't there Would you like me to caress you, sir? It's really nice. It's nice for a moment, then it gets really horrible. Then it's too much. It's extraordinarily obsequious. Very young or very old men. I don't know what they do with the ones in the middle.

Yes, that's a very good point. Maybe they're in the back doing the actual sewing. They're out on the battlefield, Mike. Oh, is that what it is? Yes. Too many layers of clothing, too many garments. There's lots of garments. There's lots of garments. There's lots of waistcoats. There's lots of pocket watches and fobs. Bits of material poking out of pockets. They really lay on. It's quite

nice for five or 10 minutes. Just pop in and look around. So I like walking around there because it's kind of fun. If I ever go in any of the shops, which is pretty rare, they look at me like I'm scum basically. But they... No, but they have two modes. Yeah. Because one is they have oleaginous service, but the other mode they have is going through the motions of oleaginous service because you both know that they have to, but doing it in such a way where they let you know...

They're masters of passag. Absolute passag geniuses. It's passag, it's absolute extreme. So will these be hunting shoes for your estate, sir? I once went into one, just because I was interested, and there's the main bit, and then there's obviously like a sort of back room that you could only go into if your forefathers had fought at the Battle of Hastings. There was this kind of area at the back where you just couldn't get in. And I was pretending that I had enough money to buy these things, but we both knew.

They knew. They could smell the little bull tongue on you. Yeah, that'll stick around for weeks. It's an important social market in the situations like this. Anyway, I was there and then someone opened the doors to the back room and I peered through and there was this young man in there who was probably 18 years old, 19 years old and he was like this little 18th century prince and he was wearing like these velvet shoes and he was reclining in my mind on a sort of chaise long. and they had these three

elderly sort of butlers around him just kind of like sort of print measuring bits of him. Yeah it was really weird and it was like they're preparing the prince for the for the parade. It was like I don't know what the fuck was going on. You may have seen the real king. You may have seen the actual king. You may have seen the actual King. The other thing is, could it have been Daniel Radcliffe? Ah yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, it was Daniel Radcliffe. I'm thinking about it now, the person that was being slightly passaged to me was very obviously Rupert Grint. It was Rupert Grint, wasn't it? Preparing for a role. Yeah. Because he's standing off. Turkey as well.

Absolutely. So you could tell it was a role. Wasn. Cause he's standing at Cherokee as well. Absolutely. So you can tell that he was a role. Wasn't the real deal. Well, it's a fascinating world, isn't it? Cause there's also that this shop, there'll be like a shop that's just selling Gentleman's Permades. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's all that kind of stuff. Yeah. The cigar shops. Est 1703. Yeah. Shops that are completely indifferent to the roller coaster of the world outside makes

no difference. To the tides of history and sort of financial crashes. Nothing. And blitzes, totally untouched by any of it. Because basically seven incredibly rich people will always need hatters. And that doesn't seem to change. But they're great to visit those shops, to wander around. Yeah, it's a great street.

Anyway, so between Piccadilly and that street is the Daddy Waterstones, which is also quite a nice shop to have a look around. It's an absolute whopper. Yeah. It's just, it's a... Oh, it's the flagship of flagships. If you're not from Britain, you won't know that Waterstones is our premier high street bookshop.

It's our Barnes and Noble, I think. Yeah, sort of, yes. that Waterstones is our premier high street bookshop. It's our Barnes and Noble, I think. Yeah, sort of, yes, yeah. Is it, is it, yeah. Anyway, I was in the cafe downstairs, which had done that thing where, you know, you go into a cafe and there's maybe like 90 minutes until it says it shuts, and you ask for a drink

and they go, oh, sorry, the machine's off. And you just think, well, turn it on then. Ben. The other, the end of the other thing which really annoys me in cafes like that is, you're sitting there, you know, you've bought your coffee seven hours ago when it went out. So you've done your bit, but it's when they start when people start cleaning up around you and

hovering and stuff and putting chairs on tables. Trying to drain your foot spa. Serious, isn't it? Exactly. And I'm like, and then like, what are you doing? Are we close in 45 minutes? Well, then close it in 45 minutes please. Yeah, I agree. But then you don't say anything. Anyway, I was in there because I needed to find somewhere to go and edit an episode of Three Bean Salad. So you weren't being annoying at all to other people.

That was just blaring out across the room. Because you don't use headphones, do you? You don't use headphones. You've got your live jingle composition, you've got your banjo set up, you've got your synth, your electric drum kit, the works. Gaforing like a hippo at your own jokes, which I know is something you do when you're editing. You just bought yourself a trombone from down the road, you're trying it out. Anyway, so I had my headphones on and I was getting on with it.

And then I just had enough of listening to our voices for a bit. I was getting really annoyed. I took the headphones off and there was a guy sat to my left. Sort of old bloke, maybe like 60. Wearing, even though it was really warm yesterday, wearing like a really thick coat and I just heard him say these words. He's on the phone. What? Have they got you on CCTV? Oh shit. And then he goes, don't worry, I'll sort it. And then

the phone call was over. Now that has to be, I mean, someone's dead by now, aren't they? Well, that's it. Or have they been very seriously blackmailed? CCTV itself has been blackmailed in London. I'll sort it. I'll sort it. You don't want to hear those words, do you? No. Now I'm going to go and buy the heaviest, sharpest book in this shop. Straight to the Margaret Atwoods, isn't it?

Straight to the Atwoods. Yeah. The next chapter in your life is death. Behind me. Would you know him again? If you saw him again? Did he look like a gangster? Did he have the, um... Any mink? No, maybe more like sort of common crim. A sort of a fixer, sort of Mike from Bellacol Saul. Okay. So we're not talking suit. He's not in a sort of very expensive, he hasn't just bought a suit from German street. What's he in? Is he sort of jeans and...

Yeah, jeans and a sort of tatty old coat. But I think that the guy calling him maybe was calling from a salon where he was getting some beautiful velvet shoes being put on. And he was calling up saying, oh no, we've got a problem. And this guy's like, don't worry, sir. Don't worry, sir. Don't worry, sir. I'll sort it. Yeah. But he would have been, he would have been in big trouble if his boss had

found out that where he took that call was in the cafe of Waterstones. That's not where he's going to be at all, is it? He's supposed to be on the Roman road somewhere, isn't he? In a snooker club. I'll sort it. I've just got, just give me 10 minutes because I'm listening to an absolutely fantastic banter about mushrooms, which I just want to finish. Just see where these three people take the different ideas around mushrooms.

It's Lady Smith doing a book signing in about 45 minutes, after which I'm right with you. After that I'll buy a pencil sharpener for my niece and then I'm on my way. Oh you know what, at the same time I'll buy one of those head-sized pencil sharpeners to finish off the... Cash. Cash only. Oh, you know what? At the same time, I'll buy one of those head sized pencil charmers to finish off the cash. Cash only. But then when he said it, I looked at him involuntarily and he gave me a look of like, oh shit.

Like, we understand each other. Well does he heard me or he knows that I'm up to no good? Ben you would have looked to all the world like a really unsubtle person, like bugging him because he'd have had headphones on. The worst surveillance operator known to man. A series of microphones. For some reason setting the surveillance tapes to musical jingles. Why is he doing that? Why is he putting a swanning whistle in this recording? Yeah, he'd have thought, hang on. He's bugging me in plain sight.

Oh, he's good. This guy is good. But then I see, I see that you could actually route somehow end up using this to get to the top of the criminal organisation yourself somehow. This could be the beginning of the story of the film about how the, um, an average Joe became the top of the waterstones mob. I could, I could see you been reclining on it on a stretch days long. Yeah.

In a German street back room. Having having someone having an oleaginous man. Sort of putting a velvet slipper onto your foot. Yeah. And you saying more tassels you fool more tassels. Higher higher higher the slipper must go up to the neck. The slipper must go up to my neck. Higher higher.

Sew me in to the neck. The slipper must go up to my neck. I will sew me in to the velvet. I want my whole body to experience what a foot experiences in a velvet slipper. And yet if that involves wearing quite a silly looking velvet conical slipper hat, I will do it. Okay, let's turn on the big machine. Yes please. This week's topic was sent in all the way from Bremen by Matt. Thank you, Matt. Thanks, Matt. And it is... Pasta.

Right, I think it's obvious where we start. What's your favourite pasta? I think we say which pasta shape would we be if we were anthropomorphised into pasta in Pixar's next Mega Smash? These are both good questions. Fusilini-Packa? The Pasta Banta Boys. It wouldn't be called that.

It wouldn't be called the Pasta Banta Boys. But you go through working titles, Ben, before you alight on Finding Nemo. It's allowed to be a flop. It could be just a top secret flop that never sees the light of day. They could do with a flop, couldn't they? It could be the pasta back girl. Exactly. Everything destroyed.

Or it's just a working title in a way like, where's that little fishy fucker? That was Finding Nemo. That was the first pitch meeting, wasn't it? That was the first pitch meeting. Where is that little fishy fucker? Very much aimed at an adult audience. Oh, Lion King, Revenge of the Mega Pussy. Wasn't it? So they go through, they do go through different titles to align on the right one.

Well I think if we were all pastors, it depends, do you mean physically or emotionally? That was your question? That was your question. I think it's a dangerous game because I think I'm going to get assigned a dry lasagna sheet. That's what I'm worried about. Oh God. You know what? That reminds me of something about pasta. When Americans call them noodles and they call lasagna sheets lasagna noodles. Do they? Yes.

That's mad. That's insane. Yes. Sorry, American listeners. That is mad. That's insane. Yes. Sorry American listeners, that's mad. So much to say about pasta, I just think this is too much. Well let's deal with the two questions on the table first. Do we do mine first? Right. Today on 3B Nevem we're talking what's your favourite pasta? Let us know, is it Conchigli? Do you like a penne? Please get in touch. This is Phil Collins. Barbara in Stanwyck is saying, I prefer rice. That's not the question, Barbara. Please stop ringing in. So I'm going to answer this question with my feet. Cheesy pasta.

All right. Cheesy pasta. Confungi. Mushroomy, cheesy, fungi, fungi off cheese-o. No, but I think the answer to this is whatever pasta we've got in our cupboard, right? Which one do we choose? Or have you got loads? We've got a few, but we get through a head of a lot of penne. We get through a head of a lot of spaghetti. But these are just, these are the Quatidian pastas for me. That's what I was about to say. So I've got a whole cupboard full of penne. Is penne my favourite? No.

No sir. Because you can't always have your favourite. Yes. You marry penne, but you shag contrigue. Is that what you're saying? And who do you kill? You kill ravioli. Okay. Now the worst pasta is that little one that's pretending to be rice? Orzo.

Oh, big fan of Orzo, sorry. Oh, really? Recent convert. Recent convert to Orzo. In what situation though? Is it only for in soups? It's quite good to scatter on the floor if you're being chased by an Italian mafioso. You scatter it.

It's a sort of, it's a defence. Particularly if they're chasing you on mopeds. Thin-wheeled mopeds. Yeah. Now, what do you do with orzo, Mike? I have found that they're quite useful in a sort of sausagey, something a bit like a stew. Like casserole.

Yeah, that kind of thing. You wouldn't have a potato in it, but it's thickened up, maybe you're chucking in a few lentils, maybe you're not. A couple of pulses, it's up to you. It's Italian bulk, isn't it? It's bulking. It's bulking. Yeah.

It's a great bulker. It's a spongy bulker. And of course Italian mafiosi's and originally these were used, they would pour them down their sleeves to bulk up their bods, wouldn't they? Well, that's what mafiosi means. That's what mafiosi means. It means spongy bulker. It means spongy bulker. So because it bulks you up, doesn't it? There's no way those Italian guys are that beefy. It's because they've, and it's a relatively cheap way of doing it. Obviously you could do it with meat, but it's much more expensive. So you do it with pasta. Often donkey meat. But of course a donkey ragu, if it's cooked really slowly, it's actually perfectly nice, isn't it? Leave the head in as a stock.

Did I tell you that when I was on a holiday in Sicily earlier this year, the sort of B&B where I was staying was next to a donkey butcher? Really? Yeah. You didn't tell us that. Please tell us that. It was a horse and donkey meat butcher. Really? Yeah. You didn't tell us that. Please tell us that. It was a horse and donkey meat butcher.

Horse and donkey. There's nowhere, there's nowhere to turn. I mean, you have to turn to donkey because, you know, horses are the most magnificent of creatures. Do they draw the line at mules? Where's the... Oh yeah. So is a mule a donkey horse hybrid? So a donkey, a mule is creative if any quadruped ungulate has sex with another quadruped ungulate

of a different species. E.g. a camel and giraffe. Zebra and donkey. Elephant and oryx. Elephant and oryx. And you create an elephorix or a geronchi or a giraffe. They, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a,

a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, is absolute late sixties pomp. But that is no protection against equine herpes. Let's be absolutely clear. Which can we be clear that is still incurable. If you're a butcher, it'll ruin the meat. And what it does is, which is particularly annoying for the butchers, but it runs it through with it like a watermark, doesn't it? With the word herpes appears every three or four inches along the grain of the meat. So it's very hard to pass it off. And the letters themselves are made up of the word herpes the grain of the meat. So it's very hard to pass it off. And the letters themselves are made up of the word herpes in tiny, tiny writing. So you can try and carve that word up.

Try and carve it. No matter how small a piece of meat it's going to say that. It still says herpes made of herpes. It's completely fracketal in that respect. Herpes by herpes. The new fragrance. Okay. I wish I didn't still have to say this, but I still do have to say this. Massaging yoghurt into the meat will not make a difference. It'll make it go down a little smoother. It'll go down smoother, but also the herpes will be smoother, which is worse.

The title of Phil Collins' first solo album. What was good about this butcher as well was that on the front of it, they had a daily live price per kilogram. Live? Live. Live price. This is like the stock market. Like 1980s stock market.

Sicilian footsie. But with just a chalkboard. It's about today, donkey is five euros a kilogram, but horse is nine. Oh no, the donkey markets have gone crazy. You have butchers herding themselves off bungalows, but just bruising their heads a bit and going back to work. By the way, is that a form of national stereotyping what I've just done there? You do keep worrying about this, but you do keep doing it again.

I know, but I think if you say you're worried about it, it means it gives you sort of carte de blanche. You're doing it again. I know, but I think if you say you're worried about it, it means it gives you sort of carte de blanche. You're doing it again. You're having your donkey meat and eating. Having your donkey meat and eating, exactly. So what, so the donkey meat prices were changing throughout the day? Well, they were certainly changing daily. So you'd be there, hovering, wanting a donkey meat sandwich, and just going, do I go now,

do I go now? No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, maybe I wait, the Corsican donkey imports will be coming in any day now. Maybe that's going to cause a market to crash and that's the time to buy donkey. Just keep your nerve, Ben. Hold your bloody nerve because there's a discount donkey burger coming your way. What was the kind of financial mechanism which worked out the price of donkey meat? I couldn't work it out. How do you work out the price of donkey meat?

I think Mike's right, there may be someone's down at the port watching the ships come in to see whether there is a big donkey haul. I'd say donkey is the opposite of gold as a commodity and it's incredibly volatile. Because how much is a donkey worth? I mean just now I couldn't tell you. I mean I don't know. I mean do you know what I mean? How do you know?

I would have changed from the beginning of the sentence to the end of the sentence. Exactly. It's so quick. Because a lot of it's cultural information. How much do we value donkeys? For example in the times of Aesop donkeys were very, very highly valued. Also like around Easter donkeys become a bit more prominent. People who maybe will reenact Palm Sunday.

So they want to be a donkey for that. Exactly. Then the donkeys are on the way up. So there's a good time to sell donkey meat. Also the Shrek films created complete chaos in the donkey market. Complete chaos. Well, it opened up a whole new market, didn't it? So much younger people are buying donkey meat for the first time.

Also it's good Italian bulk, isn't it? You want to bulk out a stew in an Italian way. A donkey stew, for example, yeah. And that was, what's your favourite pasta? So, let's ask you first, Henry. Oh. What's your favourite pasta? Well, I think I, at the moment I've got shells. Contrarily.

I've got shells. Obviously different pastas do different things with the sauce. So the shell the shell the sauce sits in the shell and creates like a little kind of handy. You need a thicker sauce for that and then you I find you want it you want a bit of mozzarella melted through whatever you've made sticks it all together a bit. Yeah, good. Good with the thick sauce. I think as a kid I

really love the bow ties. Yeah. Is that farfale? Farfale. I love the farfale. Penny, I think is your sort of stalwart, gets you through life. It doesn't get you through the hard times, Penny. It's always there for you. It's fun the way the sauce fills up the tube. Are we classing Nocky as a pastor? No. Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike.

Sinbin. Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, sinbin. Mike is excluded from the banter for the next 60 seconds. It's a new rule which I think is important that we do. I'm going to time it. I'm timing it. No one all notice. So what we need to do Ben, we need to not overcompensate.

Yeah, I tell you what, I'll do a bit of mic stuff. Hang on a minute, maybe we don't need mic. Okay. Close the doors of the Sin Bin. Open it through to the other arena, which is the one with 57 feral bulls in it. Release Mike into the feral bull arena. Hey, hey, hey, you get back. You go...

You can choose though you can be contract or you can be like the bad boy. Like Eric Hansen, you know, like come back on and be like, what? Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. Say something about Chinese egg noodles or something. Off, off, off. He's off again.

That's another sin bin, Mike, sorry. That's another sin bin. That's not pasta. Seriously, do we need the mic though? Do we need the mic? We're doing it again. Should we do that again? We're doing it again.

So you know a pasta I've got into recently, which is quite a high end pastor I was introduced to by quite a high end friend. Oh, tell me more. It's called Orecchiette. Is that the little elephant here? Round things. Little round things. They're a bit like a sort of button that's been slightly thumbed through by an Italian

mama. Each one is separately thumbed by a separate Italian mama. Each one is separately thumbed by a separate Italian mama who is an executed. So as we guarantee, you're the only unique recipient of that Italians mama pasta thumb. So and they just it just gently cups a little bit of sauce, maybe two or three fragments of donkey. It's really, it's a really good one. But yeah, it takes a little bit more boiling than here's the

thing about pasta that's annoying. Those boil times, a impossible to find on the packet. Where is it? Where's the boil time? That's all I need to know. That's because you're buying high end pasta. It's because, because your one says on the front, 10 minutes mate. Yeah, 10 minutes in the microwave. 10 minutes in the microwave. And each pasta thing has got a little spout to insert the ketchup. Exactly.

Eat it over the sink, you're done. And when I find the minute, they've undermined it by several minutes. They'll say 10, it's 12. They'll say 9, it's 12. They'll say 8. It's 12. I could carry on. Because the Italians, they prefer it a little bit. Al dente. Yes, Mike. Can I say, knowing that phrase was impressive in London in 1981. And sometimes they have al dente passe al fresco.

Oh, for the love of... 1982. 1982. And sometimes they'll have it with cheese on. Like in 72. Yesterday, I went to an Uzbek restaurant. Wow. What does that entail? What kind of food are we talking?

I think it has in common with everywhere in Central Asia, which I think is basically what you just do is you get some lamb and you cook it in a big thing of rice and then all the lamb juice goes in the rice and then they sort of chuck some pomegranate seeds on it or something. Oh yeah. Bit of raisin sort of business. That sounds good. It was damn, damn fine.

Sounds lovely. I was, and you probably realised I was busy yesterday anyway, so yeah. So it's fine because I was. Yeah, I was busy. I would. Yeah, I couldn't have you're right. I couldn't have come. Yeah, you would say yeah, you're right. So no, you were right. The answer what would have been and was no, I can't come sorry. You're right to not to not initially text me. Yeah, good shout. Just on the off chance. But sorry, mate. And

also hope you're not offended because I just really was too much work on. So sorry. I did genuinely consider asking you to come actually. You considered it and then you didn't wave it through. You overruled yourself. Running up the flagpole. Run it down again and then run up a picture of my skull. Thanks very much. No, it was busy, it was midweek. Ah, but Henry you should be touched that you were even considered in the same source. The fact that I was rejected because there's some people that would... Should I tell you my thought process? You weren't even being considered and rejected. I thought, I might ask Henry and then I thought well, we spent quite a lot of time together recently. We'd spent the weekend together.

I've been enjoying it. Yeah, but fine. Yeah. Which I also enjoyed. But I thought that you might be like, oh, I can't be fucking. I've seen enough of him. But then you might feel obligated to come because I've asked you. I got into a real like head state about that. Yeah, it's tricky, isn't it? You know what? My little watchword is I always choose kindness.

But maybe that's me being stupid. Yeah, it's tricky, isn't it? You know what, on my little watchword is I always choose kindness. But maybe that's me being stupid. Yeah, probably. That's not right for the times, is it? A man out of time, isn't it? I value kindness and spending time together with people. Loyalty. Loyalty. They're just stupid old idiot values. Duty. Duty. I wish you were dead. I'll tell you why, because I was on my own. Well you didn't even go with someone else, you were by yourself rather than me. I was

better, I wasn't even as good as no one. I got pipped in the post by no one, did I? That was a photo finish between Henry and no one and no one won. Cheers. So it's just me in the bronze position and you in gold and there's no one in silver but I still didn't get silver, it's got bronze sort of thing anyway. Didn't even get bronze. Didn't even get bronze. I wasn't placed. I was qualified.

I wasn't placed. Oh dear. Oh God. I wish you'd come because, partly because it would have been not, I don't know why I didn't ask you really. Yeah. Partly because I was on my own, which I do a lot and it's fine. The way to decide to talk to me quite a lot,

which I didn't want. You know what he needed there? Fanjambo. Well. That's what we invented fanjambo for, which is a system whereby people know that you don't, it's not rude. It's fine.

You let people know that you're someone that doesn't want to chat to anyone, but if you wear a t-shirt that has fanjambo on it and a hat with fanjambo. Because also my sore throat was really bad, so I could barely speak yesterday, because it really felt like daggers. Yeah.

I was trying to make this quite clear to him but he just kept talking to me. And then he saw my banjo and he said, what kind of instrument is that? And I said, it's a banjo. And he was really interested in it to the extent that he literally said, you could play it for me now. Oh my God. Nice. You fucking paid the price for not inviting me.

That is karma. You're being asked to play banjo live in a restaurant. Yeah, I declined. By Henry Packer in disguise as an Uzbek waiter. Enjoy your meal by yourself, will you, Ben? We'll see about that. Play for me. Play for me. Were there other people in the restaurant?

Yeah. Fucking hell that would have been annoying if you were someone, and no offence, you're a very good banjo player. No, but of course I could annoy you. Yeah, hugely annoying restaurant. Yeah. It was really strange. So you refused?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. There was no question about it. I'd have loved it if you'd played and that was the price of your meal. Oh god, I could have had an old school menstrual. Yeah. Yes. We've heard you're banjo playing and you now owe us £47.

Sorry, sir. It's backfire. And we've cancelled your coffee. And we're going to ask you to regurgitate the lamb, please. Please regurgitate the lamb. So what is your favourite pasta? Did we ever get that far? Today on 3B Nevin, we're talking what is your favorite pasta? Did we ever get that far today on three B. Nevin?

We're talking what's your favorite pasta? It's a different answer every week, but I'll say I'll say I'll say shells. I do like shells. Yeah, they are. I think they're for me as well. I do really like the shells. Mike, what's your answer? I think I'm gonna I'm gonna go with my new fan to the little ones that I can't remember the name of also also. Yes. Yeah, big shout out to all the bit of a dick move though. So ones that I can't remember the name of. Orzo. Orzo. Yes. Yeah, big shout out to Orzo. Bit of a dick move though, sort of saying that I think. That's your answer. Because you couldn't have a plate of Orzo with stuff on it.

I mean, you'd be eating so many bits of individual pasta, the maths of it would blow your mind. I've got spoons for me. You're talking to a yoghurt eater. It's not an issue. I've got spoons. Yeah, okay. And for me, Big Daddy Tagliatelle.

Oh, yeah. It's fat spaghetti. It's fat spaghetti. Time to read your emails. Yes please. When you send an email, this represents progress. Like a robot shooing a horse. Give me your horse. My beautiful horse. Our email address is 3beansaladpod at gmail.com. And we've had an email from Hannah. Hello Hannah. Thanks Hannah. With the subject title Digestive Track Talk, Quorn Edition.

Oh lovely. Okay. Dear beans, in your most recent episode Mushrooms, you speculated about whether quorn is made of mushrooms. I can categorically tell you that it is not. How do I know, you ask, because mushrooms don't turn me into a sobbing, hallucinating fountain of vomit and diarrhoea, as Quorn does. Apologies in advance to the Quorn marketing board, but Quorn is made of a sort of cultivated mould, which, while in the same taxonomic kingdom of mushrooms, in the same way that humans are in the same kingdom as oysters, is very much not a mushroom. And to any vegetarians out there, please don't be tempted to ever secretly feed your friends corn instead of meat at a dinner party and then say triumphantly,

ha, you didn't notice, but that was corn! Because corn allergies such as mine are not that uncommon and you might find yourself with a big clean-up job on your hands. Hope that helps, Hannah. Oh, good lord. Poor Hannah, victim of a corn ambush by someone she trusted. Cultivated mold. I think we as a species are going to have to get a little bit less prissy about the idea of cultivated mold. If we're going to make it long term in this universe, because cultivated mold is going to be... Are you saying that people like Hannah aren't going to be welcomed into the bunker?

I think they might not get in the bunker. They also might not get on the three bean spaceship because cultivating mold, the cultivation of mold, that'll be like a high court judge one day, mold cultivator. Yeah. Right? It'd be a top job. That's our feature. Okay. Well, don't worry. I'm going to build a separate cannibal bunker to which you're invited, Hannah. I think she's a vegetarian though, isn't she? No. Great. She might be. I don't know if she said either way. She might be. We don't know. It wasn't

clear, but she definitely has a vegetarian friend. Okay. Yeah. Tom is he Mother's from Worcester. Hello, Tom. This is a long one, but it's a good one. Okay. Dear beans, I was pleased to hear your recent celebration of the West Midlands Safari Park as a top tier bank holiday destination. Yeah, that's right. So again, just to recap, people may have forgotten. If you can't go to the West Midlands, there's a Safari Park, isn't there? Called West West Midlands Safari Park, which is actually West Midlands. They've put it in the West Midlands.

It's a safer way to do it though, isn't it? It's a safe way to do it. And also if you just wander around the West Midlands itself and you don't guarantee, because the West Midlands world will guarantee you the big six, you'll see an accountant, someone who works in Ryman's, lollipop lady, two sorts of carpenter, two sorts of carpenter, a lollipop lady and a leopard. It's more of a banker for a trip with family, isn't it? Your description of the park's main attraction is driving really quite close to some people from the West Midlands.

It's actually pretty much spot on. As a 17 year old worker in 2002, I myself became a temporary exhibition. Wow. Crikey. At the end of a long shift I joined a colleague in the process of closing up the enclosures that separated the beasts. I assumed to reduce the chance of interspecies lovemaking. In this instance my task was to stop a potentially horrifying rhino-wallaby hybrid and to

do so I had to cross a cattle grid and close a gate. So Tom's not worried about sort of escape or consumption food chains he thinks it's all about. He's worried about. Fukka tikka, fukka tikka, fukka tikka, fukka tikka, fukka tikka. Is that, yeah? Is that a horn on your face or are you just glad to see me? Hey, I know I'm an ungulate and you're a terrapin,

but what say we do this? That sort of thing, yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Creating a, that creates a Terra cow, by the way, for cows. That's the Terrapin. You get a Terra cow. Tiny Terrapin. Tiny. It looks like a Terrapin, tiny Terrapin, but it's got actual cow sized udders on it.

Bounce around on. Like a space hopper. Like a space hopper. I easily managed the first half and arrogantly decided to walk lengthways across the cattle grid to finish the job. Lengthways? How do you walk lengthways across the cattle grid to finish the job. Lengthways? How do you walk lengthways? Oh, you can't do that, because you need to go against the grain of the grid, don't you?

Oh, I see, walking with the grain. Walking with the grain? In the pissing rain, this arrogance cost me dearly. I slipped down the grid and owing to a now painfully inflamed knee, became lodged. What? Let's not forget he's in the middle of a zoo as well. That's the worst place to get lodged in that way. He's in the middle of an enclosure.

Because suddenly it's feeding time and you're the main course. You're today's special. For the rhinos. For the rhinos. My colleague's initial response was of course to laugh hysterically. I however was more panicked. At that time and to my cost, the park didn't employ any specialists in the removal of 17-year-olds from cattle grids. So, after a group was assembled to inspect the scene, Bruce, a large tattooed man in charge of maintenance, was called. Every safari park is legally bound to have someone called Bruce.

His initial attempts, all brute force, only made matters worse, with my knee now several inches too large to pass the bars But they Bruce will always use brute force ready Bruce He's not he doesn't have a delicate touch does he first will be brute force second will be brute force plus Vaseline That's all he's got next Bruce set about prizing the grid apart With a long steel pole lovely still I remained now fully soaked and feeling as though it was probably time to embrace life as a roadside curio. Thankfully a bright spark in the crowd had a plan. Bringing to the party a lubricant primarily used in the artificial insemination of elephants.

Artificial insemination. Doesn't he just mean insemination? Oh no he doesn't, no. That would be an elephant penis. So it would be Bruce wearing an elephant penis, wouldn't it? Well, dressed as. Dressed as an elephant penis. Hang on, I just sort of literally don't understand.

Are they using, they're not using elephant semen? Because that would be... Yeah, well I would hope so, yeah. They are using elephant semen. No hang on, not to get him out of the cattle grid. What are they using to get him out of the cattle grid? Do you mean to get him out or for the artificial insemination? So what's happened is the person writing the email has used a euphemism.

No they haven't. Or is using suggested language. Are they not? I don't think there's any, I think it's pretty bolt on. He's played it with a straight back. So what's he saying? They're using lube, not semen. When they're doing artificial insemination of elephants, they are using an elephant semen.

Well, I assumed he meant elephant semen. That's what they use for the artificial insemination of elephants, is elephant semen. Well plus lube for the deployment instrument. You're going to lube up Bruce in his costume. Otherwise it's going to be too dry. So there's two things you've got. If you want to artificially insemin summon an elephant, you need two things. You need lube, you need elephant semen.

Actually you need three things. You also need Bruce. So Bruce reached for the lube. My trousers were cut and my leg was generously lubed up. This along with Bruce's bar-prising and the strength of a man under each arm secured my release. Thank you for bringing back these memories. Yours, Tom from Worcester. Oh, wow. That's amazing. I'm imagining that story as directed by Steven Spielberg in Jurassic

Park feel to it. You're in like, I'm trapped. I'm going to, I need lube. I need quick because the animals are coming. I don't know. It's got a kind of real... Silhouette of a pygmy hippo on the horizon. Exactly. That's no pygmy hippo. But remember, it is about five times smaller than its own silhouette. Don't have to turn on the panic just yet. This is from Daniel. Hello, in your latest episode, one of you mentioned German pork sushi.

I present to you Metigel, brackets, image attached, a German raw pork party food. Oh my God. Can you explain what we're seeing here? It looks like a hedgehog in a sauna, but with pickles instead of feet. Pickles instead of feet and looks like little sort of crisps as the spikes of the hedgehog. I think it's raw onion.

Is it? What are the eyeballs? What are they doing for the eyeballs and the hedgehog. I think it's raw onion. Is it? What are the eyeballs? What are they doing for the eyeballs and the nose? Olives. Those are hedgehog eyeballs. Oh my God, that is... So it's raw pork mince shaped into the shape of a hedgehog and it's served at parties apparently. I've never heard of that.

Have you come across that? You've traveled Germany quite extensively, Ben. No, no, no. I've never come across it. I want to know where he found this. It's on Wikipedia. So it's also known as the Hacktapita. It's a preparation of minced raw pork, seasoned with salt and black pepper, and served in the shape of a hedgehog. You know the look of terror in its eyes? What's that about?

Is that because it knows what it is? Just wants you to eat it as soon as possible. Having reached that understanding. Because it looks, it's got exactly the expression you would have on your face, I think, if you were a meat hedgehog. Just absolute horror. If you'd just been peeled and served. Yeah. Oh my gosh. I mean, there's not enough pickle to make that go down smooth there. You'd need all the pickle in the world.

Do you remember a while ago, we had an email from somebody who worked in an insurance company and they had a claim where someone had crashed their car into the central reservation because they were laughing at 3 been solid. Yeah. Yeah. I'm returning with good news, says this person, hidden behind some initially worrying developments. At first, the insurance company were unwilling to pay out, and they tried to argue that the driver had been unlawfully distracted. However, on appeal, a judge, and I think we all know

who this was, decided that this was nonsense and, to quote from the file, to accuse the driver of being distracted by the radio would be to accuse the radio of negligence for being funny. Clearly this is absurd. Brilliant. The driver received a full payout. We're officially non-negligent. Yes! That's the best review I've ever had! It's in the annals of the British courts. So the driver got a payout from his insurance company for the damage to the car or whatever?

Yeah. Whereas they were trying to argue that it was dangerous listening to show this smoking hat on the highways and byways. But I think we do know who that judge was, don't we? Yeah. When we say we know who the judge is, by the way, in case people don't know what we're talking about we're referring to, we do have a fan who's very high up in the... Well, who became a magistrate because we advertised the idea of being a magistrate.

Is that what happened? Yeah. Well, we gave him the idea to be a magistrate in the first place. Well, we were employed. We made them. And how did that happen? And now we own them. We did an advert for being a magistrate.

Oh yes, I forgot that. Do you remember, because of your passion to get people involved in magisterial processes? I remember now that I am passionate about magisterial behaviour. And that's why we did the ad. Just quickly as a podcast, just for the record, we don't believe in trial by jury. I think I actually do. Yeah, I don't. No, iti jury. I think I actually do. I don't. No, it's magistrates pay the ferryman.

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And if you're not already a subscriber, you can subscribe to our channel. And if you're not already a subscriber, you can subscribe to our channel. And if you're not already a subscriber, you can subscribe to our channel. And if you're not already a subscriber, you can subscribe to our channel. And if you're not already a subscriber, you can subscribe to our channel. And if you're not already a subscriber, you can up on our Patreon. If you'd like to do so, go to patreon.com forward slash three bean salad and you can find probably more pasta talk. You didn't get all the pasta talk. Oh no. Well, as we said, we always cook a little bit more pasta related banter than we need. In fact, not. If you sign up at Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge. You do indeed. Where Mike spent the evening last night.

Oh what a night. Yes it was a good night wasn't it yesterday. Because it was how many wasabi peas can you carry night. It was indeed, thank you Henry. And here's my report. It was how many wasabi peas can you carry nights last night at the Sean Bean Lounge? A massive effigy of Professor Wasabi was hoisted up in the Colin Cakebread Clone Memorial Suite before being set upon with snooker cues by Ed Hookway, Rosa Tomlin, George Keown-Welsh

and J.P. Pinata-style until it burst open, spilling forth thousands of competition regulation wasabi peas alongside the body of Hudson Coates, who'd accidentally been sealed into the effigy by Jarrett Chamlee in. Rowan T, Ben Lark and Ursula Aber, unable to contain their excitement, thoughtlessly grabbed fistfuls of the Wasabi peas and cavorted them about the room, but quickly realised they weren't in the running for a podium when they saw Abigail Lapwing, Drusya and Simon Latours cramming every pocket and orifice of Paul O'Shea with wasabi peas, an ordeal which required Maggie, Queen of Beans Nolan to seize power of attorney over Paul, Chris Johnston to appear as a witness and Angus Todd to be deputised as an honorary wasabi subsheriff.

Paul's horseradish tears could have been spared, however, as Lemolion was already carrying far more wasabi peas in a specially constructed 20-gallon hat designed by Tom Sharman and built out of the many poorly chosen and discarded hats of Jack Samuel Warner, who can't come to terms with the brutal fact that the only hat that suits him is a boater. Kirioff, Todd Mattson and Frank Ewell were also competitive with a three-way wasabi pea juggling ring, but despite transporting 63 wasabi peas from one side of the room to the other, those peas were deemed to be more airborne than carried, and the trio failed to place in the final.

Similarly disappointed were Michelle Kan, whose 4,000 wasabi pea hologram fooled no one, largely due to a cameo in the middle of the peas by Benny Andersson, and father and son team Matt and Jack Jones, who tried to sufflate a legion of peas with helium, but got caught in the meshwork and shot up directly through the ceiling and into the upper atmosphere, where they are currently awaiting rescue by Richard Branson. Alex Horne, not that one, Rob T, Liam and Bryn, all attempted to use non-regulation sticky wasabi peas, and were castigated by the Right Honourable, the Venerable Lord Sir Christopher Wood, caked in wasabi by John Nichols, nibbled by Chris Nevin with the

remains converted into pig feed by Drew Tyson and donated to Matthew Bradley's Sanctuary for Shunned Swine. On the other end of the spectrum breaking a personal record for wasabi pea body crevice carriage was Luke Pilkington while Mike Brynne and Ben Smith failed to score highly but delighted onlookers with their ornate leguminous palanquin. Henry Richardson got the silver deploying a multi-pea pocket mustard-proof onesie gifted to him by Lily and Tom, but the winner was definitely probably Charlotte, who despite being less than a week old, has mastered everything Mother Fiona knows about aerodynamics, everything Father David knows about telekinesis,

and everything Uncle Ross knows about hot air, enabling her to balance 18,746 wasabi peas on her left knee. She was also found carrying one in her right hand, but that might have just been a grasp reflex. Congratulations, probably Charlotte, and thanks all. Okay, that's the show. We'll finish off with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you. And this is from Nick, who says he's mainly in North Yorkshire but currently in Japan. Nice! Well done, Nick. Lovely. Dear Spines, as I'm one of the jammiest people around, I'm currently in Japan having a lovely time. I can't recommend it highly enough, particularly if you have some other people

who will do the vast majority of the work for you. What's the work? Hmm. What's the work? What's the work? What are you doing over there Nick? Does Nick understand what Japan is? Nick, did they see you on CCTV? Don't worry, I'll sort it.

We're going to have to write a spurious email saying that you're in Japan. But I suppose it is true, when you go on holiday, mostly other people are doing the work. So when you go on holiday, fireman, train operators, that's true of non-holiday times, people cooking sarnies, supplying the Ryman's, stocking those Ryman's shelves, stocking those. At least say you're in Japan, but what we can't claim is that you were doing any of the work. That alibi will fall apart. Maybe this is a visa thing, we're just to make it clear that he's not doing any work

for us. Which actually makes me start to suspect he was actually doing quite a lot of the work. Is he the president of Japan? They're currently trying to pick a new PM aren't they? Maybe Nick's in the running. Yeah. Okay, Nick. While waiting in an intense thunderstorm for our Metro train to arrive, again driven by

someone else I'd imagine. He didn't know where he was driving that Metro train, nor was he providing forecasts in relation to that weather. Something caught my ear. From what I've gleaned, I think that when Tokyo Metro drivers are working alone, they play a little piece of music, so you know that when it ends the doors are closing. These seem to vary from station to station, and from line to line, but this particular one seemed familiar and hauntingly beautiful. I thought it might be of interest. I've very good been to you all, Nick. Well, we'll listen to that at the end of the show.

Thank you very much. Thank you to everyone for listening. Thank you. See you next time. Ta-ra. Thank you, bye. Bye. Bye. Right. How easily can you sue someone in Japan? I'm an incredibly complicated man, but I think it's probably worth it.

You will be taking on the might of the whole Japanese state though. We're coming for you Tokyo. And we've got a man on the inside.