Three Bean Salad - Pirates

Episode Date: March 22, 2023

Sarah of Bremen pressgangs the beans into chatting all things pirates this week. With a fair wind at the stern they sail through the alphabet and the landlocked city of Nottingham and have time to spare to drop the chat anchor into the depths of what happens when a potato is left to its own devices.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladTickets to our live show on 30th April 2023 at Machynlleth Comedy Festival: https://machcomedyfest.ticketsolve.com/ticketbooth/shows/873644688Get in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

Oh, there you are. We can hear you. Oh, twats. Who's the twat? Huge twats everywhere. I don't know. Are you firing the Technobods? That's Ben, though, isn't it? It's Ben, isn't it? You dig deep enough into this stuff, you always hit Ben. Bon. You always hit Bonderman. Okay, good. Sorry about that. I don't know what happened. loads of techno bullshit as per I think I think I've got to replace some wires or some kits. I didn't think it was you

beforehand. Anyway, we were in a two in one out situation, which is very weird at one point. Are you recording Henry? It was audio piggy in the middle at a point there, wasn't it? I am recording. Yeah. Shall we number off? We should. Yeah. One, two, three, four, four. Oh, come on, guys. Oh, no. This is so bad. We're screwed. Bad vibes already. It's another curse. It's yet another curse step. We've almost had more curse steps than non

curse now, aren't we? So many curse steps. We try again. Okay. One, two, three, four, five, six. Yeah. Yum, yum. How is the Oscars, Mike? Disappointing. But I mean, I went in. I went in disappointed. I mean, I wasn't nominated for anything. So I was I mean, those around me were trying to manage my expectations of a gong. Yeah. Right. Your team on that on those grounds. But you always hope a little bit. You always hope, don't you? Against

hope? Because the chances are so slim anyway, if being nominated. But by the time you think you might as well turn up, you might as well turn up because even you know, the chances from getting to not nominated to winning are actually not as low as the chances of being nominated in the first place. So there's always that chance that you might be sprung a Lifetime Achievement Award as well. Yeah, at any point. Yeah, exactly. So you turn up. Sure.

They're not letting you on their red carpet. So you bring your own. I mean, that's why I've got my own portable cutting of red carpet that I take with me everywhere I go just to try. You've adapted one of those. Those devices you get that that spool out extender cable, haven't you? That's right. You've adapted it to spool out. Well, red carpet weft, red carpet weft, fishing line, absorbent gauze, whatever I need really there's a few different modes. Yeah. Just roll it out. Just roll

it out, isn't it? Just roll it out. Yeah. And I was dressed by Marks and Spencer's but no one seemed particularly interested in that. No. Because of your range, you can do quite a neat trick, can't you with yourself? Because you've now got a an up-to-date camera phone, haven't you? And oh, yeah. It's amazing what these things can do. It's amazing what these things can do. I mean, think about it in the old days, you'd have had to have brought literally a camera with you with the little

sort of curtain drape went over your head, wouldn't you? You'd have to bring that with you. And you need a special trolley so you can push a trolley plus a carrier pigeon to deliver texts. Can you imagine? In the old days. But Mike, you've got a little avenue so you can film yourself doing an interview with yourself on the micro red carpet that you've brought. I try not to prepare myself with the questions ahead of time. So I keep something a bit fresh.

Exactly. Because otherwise you can tell. And you can play a range of interviews, can't you? You can play Frank Boff. They have to be deceased, don't they, for copyright reasons. You can't. Johnny Carson. You do it very good. Cicero. As a harry.

Very, very peaceful. Cicero, don't you? And I'm relentless here, isn't he? And of course, Confucius. Don't you? So you could really put yourself is quite difficult. Yeah, you put yourself over the coals. And I need you got a backdrop. Because actually, when you think about it, these days, most of media interactions and certainly most of the main way in which IP is monetized monetization of IP

is obviously the founding stone of our culture. That's why you keep churning out IP at a rate of not that's right. Just in the hope you've got to keep the IP churning out. You got to keep it flowing. You got to keep the Henry Packers cinematic if you keep it flowing, it's only when it's only when the IP is flowing that those lucrative salmon, salmon of remuneration can, you know, swim up it can spawn. Swallowed in one gulp by a grizzly bear. Yeah, the grizzly bear

of Microsoft. Yeah, slash the the massive wallowing toad of my own mediocrity. But mainly it's backdrops, isn't it? So you look at football interviews, it's just it's a backdrop with Suzuki selection of logos, Suzuki, Aston Villa, Aston Martin, Aston, which is everywhere around the week, do you mean? Aston Villa, they're sponsoring Chelsea, aren't they? They're sponsoring Chelsea. Yeah, it's an absolute it's an

absolute mesh. So, so, and you know, on the Oscar red carpets, it's mainly just a backdrop, isn't it? They're up against a lot of the Why pop the sponsors that I'm hoping to get? See, Cadbury's high on die. Just for the job you want, isn't it? Exactly. Lockheed Martin,

BAE Systems, the Kalashnikov group. North African surveillance drone corp. Mercenaries are us. Mercenaries are you. McRobbinsons, the underwater drone people. And the North Korean human leash company. That's right. Mike, get it correct. It's the electronic electronically charged

human. I mean, that's why I'm not getting anywhere with these people. And symptoms and codes. Bomb rewires, you send them in after a bomb has been defused. They can bomb refusers. They'll refuse. They can refuse a defused bomb. So you've got to get those. Yeah, get those sponsors on. Don't get in advance. That's what you do. And then they can pay

If they want it. Yeah, or they can sue you for defamation. So for example, last night, Michael at the Oscars and behind him was a big hoarding for McInneries artisanal shrapnel. Michael sent them an invoice this morning. They'll know nothing about it. It's all locally sourced shrapnel. It's all it's very green. It's kind of made out of

coconut husks and iron. And then they all choose if they want to pay that invoice basically and sometimes due to an admin error, they just will. That's why I'm really betting on really is that someone somewhere in the organization misreads the invoice. Well, it's subscription model, isn't it? Mike, we've talked about this before, which is essentially a lot of the economy, a lot of the media economy these days works on to subscription

model. I mean, most stuff works on subscription model now, which is you get people subscribed without knowing about it and they have to pay to unsubscribe. Since you're doing the same your squab sponsors, aren't you? They have they have to because they'll have to pay an admin fee to get off your board. It's a subscription ransom model. Yeah. And then just a cursory glance at your prospective sponsors shows that you are you are prepared to back up that that

ransom with well, swift and lethal attacks from air land and sea. In theory, assuming those the sponsors are actually real, and I'll signed up and that is at a risk that another sponsor is willing to take and cyber eventually, but I really my IT skills just at the moment, I've got to work on it. Starting with podcast editing and hoping that's going to be a useful springboard into attacking the CIA. Good week, Henry. Good week. Um, well, I should be the couple

of things that happened this week. One is, um, that that new David Attenborough documentaries come out about about, um, our precious aisles. And I thought, finally, my love of jingoism and squirrels, my two passions combined in one glorious thing, which I started watching yesterday, I quite enjoyed it. And also, um, I've actually been noticing a lot of, um, sort of nature out of my, um, out of my back window recently, British nature. And I've just been finding a new, a newfound

appreciation for, um, our humble, yet noble, tuberculotic badger, tuberculotic badger. Because people don't really think of London as being the epicenter of Britain's nature. But no, they don't. But actually, there's quite a lot going on. But of course, it's the capital. So of course, I mean, that's where that's where the best nature is. Of course. But that's where the crem de la. That's where the crem de la Fox come, isn't it? I'll obviously

foxes around the country. You know, they'll, they'll obviously they'll talk about, about the brain drain of the best foxes to London. Same goes for squirrels. Robin Redbreast's wasps wasps. The best do gravel it towards London, the ones outside of London, generally, they'll always have a story which will be like, you know, they probably, they probably tried London for a bit. They'll say they didn't like it. Truth is, maybe they just couldn't hack it. Do you know what I mean? And there's

lots of squirrels. I'm missing a lot of squirrels at the moment. Didn't you have a family of squirrels living in your attic? Yes. But basically, the person at the rear of the property has erected a whole load of, of squirrel nut feeders, seed dispersers, a really quite complex sort of array of them. And you know, and there's this, yeah, there's squirrels. I think this might be a thing about about getting older sort of time time passing thing. It's just, it's just noticing squirrels

more. Have they put, have they put up the nuts and things to specifically attract squirrels or is it for birds and then the squirrels? I don't know, actually. That's a good question. I don't think people put out nuts of squirrels. They don't. Yes, I don't think there's any such thing as a squirrel table.

Or a squirrel bath. Or a squirrel, squirrel vary. There isn't an A, you don't get a sort of, there isn't an Avery for squirrels, is there? Imagine it, imagine an Avery of squirrels there. Superb. Wondering in with a little bag of nuts. If you put out nuts, you're going to get squirrels because Ben, Ben, you, you're someone who's entered the, well, the

beginnings of the squirrel phase of life, aren't you? Yes, my, my death becomes ever nearer. Now, I just think there comes a point where you notice squirrels more because as a, as a young, why, why, why me? No, no, no, no, because you've put, you've put out a squirrel feeder yourself, haven't you? No, I've got bird feeders. Exactly. You've got bird feeders, which end up being, which

let's face it, they're squirrel feeders by any other name, which end up being rat feeders. Yes. Well, who's feeding? Are the birds feeding on your bird feeders? So I live in a sort of new build estate where there was no greenery whatsoever. And as such, no small birds will cross the threshold, apart

from just fucking tons of magpies everywhere. So anything I put out just gets eaten by magpies. And I now resent magpies and hate magpies for it. Because all I want is a little sweet brown bird hopping along. Oh, it's a Ren. Hello, Mr. Ren. Where are you going? That's not happening.

He says, fucking magpie, magpie, magpie. All right. All right. I remember that. One for sorrow. Two for sorrow. Three for sorrow, four for sorrow. Five thousand for total misery.

But Ben, but what you're talking about there, Ben, that's a classic case of sort of scarcity versus plentitude. Is that a word? I like it. I like it if it's not. Animal, animal emotional reaction ratio, which is which is a nice simple concept just to, yeah. You should write to Asimbran.

It's a nice simple concept. So I can see you thought about this carefully. No, which is just that haven't just come up with that on the spot. Go on. Such plentitude. No, which is it just, you'll just like it. You'll just like which are, which are, which are animals are less

of. Yes. Yeah. And you'll see which ever ones there are more of as, as, as, as a sort of irritating pest. And well, that's not happening with you in squirrels, is it? With you're getting the reverse effect with me in squirrels. Yeah.

Um, put it this way. If I see a squirrel on a tree, I'm not going to be that excited, but, but these squirrels are doing extraordinary work. They're doing acrobatics and it's crazy what they're doing on these nut feeders. They are, they're just putting on an incredible show and they're upping the ante every day. They're driving away sparrows with small twigs who's just clubs.

Yeah, it's incredible what they're doing. And every day they're doing something new. You know what I mean? They keep, I think, I think they're just, they're just working very, very hard for it. You know, they're hungry for it. They're trying to one up themselves. Well, it's London, isn't it?

It's London. You beat be the best squirrel you can be. Yeah. You're not lolling about an Exeter, what, what, just sort of wasting your life away, frankly, let's face it, those squirrels. Yeah. I mean, it's absolutely zero ambition in the squirrels around these parts. A lot of them on prescription meds, aren't they?

Now, which is not, it's not fun. I mean, it's not a serious issue, but isn't it? So she's quite, quite sad. They're dragging their big fat tails behind them. Soggy Matthews. Whereas in London, the squirrels are hurt, they're bright-eyed. They want it. This is, this is their chance.

So they are performing for me every day, open the back curtain. And they're on the West End stage, as far as I'm concerned. They are, they're doing pirouettes. They are. Is it written by Ben Elton? He's done the book, I think, hasn't he? He's done the book. The music's been provided by Adele.

Yes. So it's got, it's got, it's a lot of fun, but it's got an emotional punch as well. And, you know, times are hard at the moment. It's what I need. So they're sort of, it's like they're flying through the twigs sometimes. It's incredible. And presumably they are suspended by little microscopic ropes, I think. But, you know, sometimes you can notice those.

But, you know, you don't think about it too much because you disrupt the magic. It is actually a suspension of disbelief, isn't it? And the squirrels. And, you know, the fact is I will shell out up to 12 quid for a large box of Maltesers in the break, but I'll feed back to them in the end. Can you put in requests? Like, could you request phantom the following day if you provided them with the little white semi face mask?

Yeah. Do you reckon they'd be up to Starlight Express? And you're spreading the word now. So, I mean, people in the provinces are going to hear about this. And so before you know it, you're going to get coach loads of people coming in from Hertfordshire and Oxfordshire and beyond. OK, Ben, you know, you know that phenomenon you described? You say you're bored by magpies.

Yes. You just don't care about them. That reminds me of what happened to me when I went on safari. Yeah. Oh, no. What's wrong with that? What do you mean? What?

Yeah, I mean, I'm sorry, I've been on safari, Mike. I'm sorry. I'm not going to hide my light under a bushel. Do you know what that reminds me of? Do you know what that reminds me of when I went on safari? I really think it was a good one. Look, look, Mike, look, I've led a remarkable life. I've led a remarkable.

I can't I can't take that away. It's happened to me. Yeah. OK, but how many times a day are you currently saying? I'm trying to actually remind me of when I went on safari. I'm trying. I am trying to cut down, Mike. Because if it's going into double figures, you're in real trouble.

I'm trying to cut down. It's been, yeah, I've talked to doctors about it. It releases, I get a dopamine hit. It releases a certain kind of dopamine, which I can only substitute with rhubarb, crumble flavoured, vape. So I'm also, so I'm trying to wean myself off the safari anecdotes on onto the rhubarb, crumble, vape. I mean, if it gets to the point where someone asks you if you want to receipt

and you find yourself saying, oh, that reminds me. It's amazing how many things can link back to safari. The problem is, that dopamine you get, the other time you had that hit of dopamine was when you were on on safari, wasn't it? So that's the problem is that's right. Exactly. Only people that have been on safari will know that that it's something you just can't describe to people that haven't been on safari.

But you can make it, you know, your lifetimes work to try. So so no, but one thing that happened on safari. I can't remember if I've talked about, because we did, I've talked about the safari before, you talked about how you became more interested in the way people were setting on on the car. Oh, yes, that's right. Yes, and this isn't this. It's such a, oh, God, it was such a rich experience, Ben.

You've just reminded me so many layers to it. Honestly, the animals were almost just the icing on the cake. There was so much going on with safari. But yeah, no, one of the things I noticed on safari was that a, the red sun rising over sweet, sweet Africa is one of the most humbling experiences I've ever had. The birthplace of humanity. Birthplace of humanity. Cradle of civilization, is it?

Don't know, can't remember. Having an elephant literally watch me having a shower. With the water coming out of his trunk. To have your armpits lathered by an elephant's hoof is one of the most. It's a life changing experience. It's your right, you are feeling alive. You are right on the edge of death, but you are so, so alive when the elephant is. Do they have hoofs?

They've sort of got one hoof, one claw, one spring and one umbrella stand. On the first day, you go out on safari, right? And you're in the back of the safari truck and you drive out and you're like, oh my God, it's a giraffe. Oh my God, it's an actual giraffe. This is incredible. Look at that, it's an actual giraffe. Oh, look at it, it's so extraordinary. Bang!

You're coming with me. You've decorated your front room, yeah? You can do a couple of sofas out of one of those as well. Really good bang for your buck. And look, there's another one coming to mourn the loss of it. Back up sofa cover for After the Inevitable Wine's Village on the night when we celebrate our new giraffe-covered sofas. We've just reupholstered the I-10, let's go.

Sorry, Henry, carry on. No, so the first day, you're like, giraffe, incredible. Look at it, it's like, it's extraordinary. How could nature dream up such a thing? It's like a totally fucked up horse. And that's when you wrote your poem, Telescopic Lama, wasn't it? I do remember. That's right.

Well, my collection of poems. It's quite a long read, yeah. And it just completely blows your mind. You're in awe, you're humbled, you mentally start sketching out the beginnings of three or four different anecdotes you're going to be telling people. And it's incredible, right? And then you move on, then later on, then you're looking for a lion or something, then later on the day, maybe you don't get to see a lion that day.

You're looking for one, you come on. Anyway, then the next day, on safari, because that's what happens when you're on safari, you do safari, then you get up and you do some more safari. The next day, you get up and you get in the jeep. And this time, you've had a chat with some other tourists. You've discussed that there's the Big Five. Obviously, every country has their Big Five. In Britain, it's Squirrel, Badger, Robin, Hedgehog, Andrew Lloyd Webber.

So the Big Five in Africa is obviously sofa, upholstered booth. iPhone cover. iPhone cover, wallet, throw cushion. Throw cushion. So then you've got it in your head, right? So I've seen a giraffe, I've seen a lion, a tiger, this and that. So what are the Big Five? Lion, rhino?

It's lion, rhino. Leopard. Leopard. Weirdly, I think buffalo. There's one who's like, there's one who... Elephant. Elephant, one who like classic, a bit like the Oscars in a way. There's always one nominator.

You're like, buffalo, really? Are you sure? It's all politics, isn't it? He must have known. And so then what happens is the next day you go out and you drive out, and obviously you pass a few giraffes because there's loads of giraffes, and you're like, yeah, seriously, what is that? It's just a stupid cow.

It's just a wrong... It's a malfunctioning cow. What is it? I don't care. Can we please get past these? I want to see a tiger. I want to tick off the list. I want to see a buffalo.

I want to see... Can you please just get past these fucking giraffes? I hate them. In fact, if it's quicker, run them over, just go through those giraffes. I just do not care about giraffes. That's what happens on day two. First day, you're like, the magnificence is... In your insisting on seeing a tiger,

before which they had to take you to a zoo in Nairobi, of course. That's right, but like... Because it's not going to happen in the wild at all. They've kept explaining that to you. That's why it's so rare. If you can actually see what you need, you need a tiger to have escaped. If you want to see a tiger in the wild on Zafarian Africa,

you need to go to Nairobi, you need to set free the tigers in captivity. You need to drive them out into the plains and then start again. It's a hell of a moment, though. So basically, I think that's the thing, which is just like when you just... All animals are equally wondrous. Not true.

No? But you're like, you're anti those magpies, Ben, just because there's loads of them, right? Yeah. They've also got like a mean vibe. Yeah, they've got quite a bad... They've got a bad rip. Have they got a bad score as well?

Have they got like a bad song? There's a song a bit. Yeah. So which are the ones you want? In my garden? Peacock? Hmm. Welcome to the Flightless Bird Zone.

No, please, not my face! That's what you're after. Emu? And cassowary, obviously. The only way... Because the equivalent of a bird feeder for cassowary has to be a bird feeder full of human children. Isn't it?

So they're not actually legal anymore. Right, let's turn on the bean machine. Turn on the bean machine. Okay, this week's topic, as sent in by Sarah in Brayman. Thanks, Sarah. Is pirates. Here's one of the things I don't understand about pirates. They do the whole walking the plank thing.

Yeah, correct. So if I'm right, I think if you've wronged the pirates somehow, or I mean, I'd be thinking, well, come on, guys, you're literally pirates. You've been a naughty pirate. You're literally pirates. The whole point is that we're bad people doing bad things. But yeah, you've been naughty for a pirate.

You've been very, very, very naughty. And they say, okay, Yar, now it is time for you to walk the plank and join Davy Jones at the bottom of the seat, whatever, you know, all that nonsense. What I've never understood is, why go to the bother of the plank element? That's a very good point, to shove them off. When they could just shove them off the side. What is the added element of what?

About four to six foot of what? Of just a bit of... Of spare boat, essentially. Okay, it's just a bit of spare, but that'll be part of the boat. That'll be part of the actual... Why prolong? There's the little six foot of having to walk before you go in, where you could just go straight in.

Well, because they're naughty, aren't they? Because they make everything a bit naughtier. They think of it naughty, everything a bit nastier. Does it make it nastier to know that, yeah, I suppose that there's a... I reckon, yeah. They used to do that thing as well, where they'd put you on a rope and then to drag you around, didn't they? Isn't that water skiing?

Keel hauling. Is that what it's called? Well, the British Navy did that as well. I think everyone was into that. It wasn't just pirates. That was any old mariner. Might be up for a bit of keel hauling back in the day. So what would happen with keel hauling?

You'd be tied to a bit of rope. You'd be stood on one side of the boat. The rope would go all the way under the boat to the other side, where it's being held on to by some bastards. And at the signal, the bastards pull the rope, which pulls you overboard, and then you're dragged along the bottom of the boat, which is covered in barnacles.

So you get slides to bits. So it's a bit fun, isn't it? Is the boat the right way around at this point? What do you mean? How can you be dragged... I know, the boat's fully capsized. Yeah, the boat's fully capsized. Yeah.

So everyone is dead. If the boat is fully capsized, then you have to do it the other way around. Yeah. So it's quite a heavy toll on the actual main mission, isn't it, for that just to punish one person for... Big engineering job. It's a huge engineering job.

Teamwork is utterly essential. So how do you drag someone across the bottom of the boat? How do you do that? Because you manage to get a rope to go all the way under it. You might maybe start on the front. I don't know. Maybe you loop it over the front and let it out a bit until it's all the way under the boat like a truss.

And then crucially, as Mike says, big, strong bastards. Yeah. A big, strong bastard then yanks it, and then you get pulled over the barn, of course. Either way, it might not be a bastard. It might be just a big, strong, really lovely guy, but you're going to have to tell the really lovely guy that you can't tell them that there's a man

on the other end of that rope. You've just got to tell them that it's a ham. It's a ham. Exactly. It's a ham. And you're just... And not to worry too much about resistance, just to keep yanking.

And you're trying to create some surface texture on the ham, for example, so it will... Exactly. Yeah, to help the salt penetrate for the full cure. Yeah. It's like when you score a ham. Well, exactly. I was thinking of how...

Put the cloves in. I was thinking of ham scoring. Yeah. Going to make your clove holes. So essentially, it was human... By any other name, it was human ham scoring. It was human ham scoring. Yeah.

That's terrifying. They'd be glazed, certainly, afterwards. Glazed and sliced. And was this a fatal punishment, was it? Or was it a reprimand? Well, usually, yeah. I mean, that's the thing about these punishments are these eras.

They tended to be... It's a safe bet that you need to get your affairs in order. It's time to decide who's going to get your CDs and who's going to get your nice shirt. I didn't know about that. It's horrifying. But the fact, Mike, that that was carried out not just by Parrots, but also by the British Navy.

Yeah. Your alma mater. Begs the question, doesn't it? Who are the real pirates? Hey. Probably the pirates, I've thought. Probably the pirates. Probably the pirates.

Yeah. That's why they're... Yeah. But then you get into the old private ear thing, don't you? Private ear, fucking ears, all that biz. What's a private ear? Well, they were basically... They were essentially sort of sanctioned pirates, really.

This is Francis Drake, that old gang. Is that what that is? So I think private ears... And I'm definitely going to get this wrong, but I'm going to carry on anyway. So I'm braced for a bollocking in the future. My understanding is private ears essentially just were pirates, just criminal type sailors,

keen to make a fast buck, not worried about blasting anyone with a musket, if needs be, who are kind of commissioned by the crown to do their dirty work. So rather than setting the whole British Navy to go and get sunk by the Spaniards in the Caribbean, let's get these thugs to do it instead. And while you're at it, you can keep a bit of that gold,

if you like, try and sink as many Spanish ships as you can. Try not to behave too much like pirates, please, but really mostly just make a big mess of the Spanish fleet tar. I think that was the idea. And Francis Drake was one of those people. I believe so, yeah. So there's a little bit of arms length, but he obviously ended up being sort of drawn into the sort of inner circle

in the end. Well, he brought the potato back to Britain. Well, he discovered potato island, didn't he? So did you discover, when you discovered the potato, was that by accident then? Sure leave. It was on sure leave. He discovered...

Yeah, well, yeah, they'd been given the wrong directions. They thought they were finding an island that had anandoes and a hooters on it, but it didn't, had nothing. So they just started digging about, putting up the tents. What's this? Starchy.

This island's extremely starchy. Yeah, exactly because they had landed on a giant sea potato. Yeah, it's a giant sea potato. And what they thought was a forest was actually just those weird sort of routes that grow out of potato. Yeah, it was going off a bit, yeah.

One of the most terrifying things I've ever seen once was when I went into the back area behind the kitchen in my childhood home, opened what I thought was a small shoe cupboard, but was actually being used to store potatoes. And the potatoes had been left in this dark cupboard for like months, had been sort of forgotten about. And I opened the cupboard and I genuinely, it was the most terrifying things I've ever seen.

It was like, it was like there was this sort of alien growth. So you've ever seen a potato? I've seen a potato. You've seen a potato. Have you ever seen a potato like really up close, up close and personal, when it's been left to its own devices? And I suspect this goes for all the root vegetables, which we very much think of as our friends.

I mean, think of them as, you know, tray bake compantres, but left to their own in the dark. The potato will sprout these utterly horrific sort of alien fingers with kind of grotesque sort of like cave flowers on them. That's the most blood-curdling things I've ever seen. Have you ever had that experience? Do you think I've been terrified by a potato? Interesting.

But I mean, they're for the grace of God, go I, do you know what I mean? I mean, I'm not saying I'm immune to it. I've never seen them get to the cave flower stuff. When they get cave flower, it's really terrifying. That might be one of the tests actually to beard pirate was, have you ever been frightened by a potato? Yes, probably not for you.

How do you start off as a pirate? I assume there's got to be a certain number of them that would have just been bopped over the head in Plymouth somewhere and just told you're a pirate now at the age of eight or something. There was so much bopping going on back then. So much bopping. Everything was bopping on head, wasn't it? Because you could be bopped on head and you don't know,

you'd wake up, you might be in the Navy, you could have been a pirate. You could be in the Royal Navy, you could be a pirate. You could be operating one of the major ferry concerns, going to the Isle of Wight, for example. You could be a shepherd. It was essentially a kind of sort of early careers advisor. You just get a cosh and you're qualified to do careers advice.

Yeah, because you'd go down the docks, wouldn't you? Essentially, that was like going for your job interview, except you weren't sure what job you're going to get. You'd go down and you would... If you had good parents, then they'd probably advise you to make sure you sunk a pint of gin first, because I would make the evening go smoother. That's right.

And the children of, yes, of more wealthy, for example, merchants. But if you had wealthy merchant parents, they'd buff up your head, but they'd try and make your head look bigger, wouldn't they? More boppable. They're more boppable, exactly. More because the decent jobs, the decent, boppers, they're bopping early, aren't they?

Exactly. So you want to draw in your Royal Navy boppers early doors, because it's the pirate boppers, they're still in the pub, getting lashed, and they're only popping out later on. So if you haven't got a full-on bouffant, you can get bopped by a privateer or a pirate. Yeah. So you'd go down, you'd go for a stroll by the docks,

and you'd stroll up and down, and you'd be sort of shaking your locks around. Some people would actually draw a target, essentially, on their forehead. A shady person would come up and actually whack you over the head, and you'd wake up, and you'd wake up and discover what the rest of your life was going to be. You might be a...

I'm a librarian. I'm a librarian. I'm a librarian with a sore head. Ship's librarian. I'm a ship's librarian. On a cruise ship, doing the fjords. Oh, lovely. I'm a donkey color.

I'm going to be spending the rest of my days trying to rid the royal forests of as many donkeys as I can. Which is always ye oldie jobs. Paid in pelts. All these jobs are paid in pelts, of course. Oh, everything paid in pelts, of course. I'm a pelt weaver, which essentially means you're self-employed because you weave the pelts and then pay them to yourself.

The Skull and Crossbones, that can't have been a real thing, was it? The flag. His name is too on the nose. Was the flag so on the nose? So on the nose. Was that real, the flag? The Jolly Roger. I think so.

But I think these days, when you see it, you're more likely to see it on the top of the bonds of a quite an adorable six-year-old child, as opposed to flying from the mast of a boat full of just quite traumatized, deadly, psychopathic killers. It is one of the great rebrandings in history, isn't it? Pirates from- It's a triumphant piece of rebranding.

From probably downright evil, murderers, killers, staffers. With very poor personal hygiene as well, one imagines. Bad dentition. No pension plan. No pension plan. It would have been true horror, actually. It wasn't on a pirate ship. Probably the best part of your day was just defecating over the edge,

wasn't it? I guess so. And even when you've got a bit of loot, right, you're off, you find your desert island, and you think you've got a pension plan, because there you are burying your treasure in the bottom of a big old hole. But you're all looking at each other thinking,

I mean, you're going to try and kill me in a minute. Because I know where this is, and you know where this is, and Bob's going to try and kill me as well. The capacity for treachery. And Ronald Steve's going to try and kill me. Oh, this is- I'm going to famously all our souls, essentially. That's how we got the job.

The one thing we had to write on our CV, i.e. our foreheads, as we were walking down the docks, well, the two things were, one was not afraid of potatoes, and second- Died in the wall of our soul. Died- Absolutely. Died in the wall of our soul.

So, yeah, by definition, you've got a hard to control group of people. Oh, the team management. Team management. You know, the away days must have been an absolute nightmare. Absolutely. Yeah, the team building. The Christmas party as well.

Stay away from that. Yeah. Never the same caterer twice, is it? Never the same caterer twice. Run through. You won't do that gig again. Run through, not just at the starter, at the pre-starter olives stage, isn't it?

Any excuse to run through the caterer on a curved sword. And all you've got as the captain is just- It's just the sheer size of your beard is the only way, isn't it? The sheer size of the- And how much of it is on fire? Yeah, at any one point. At any one time.

If you've got some flaming tapers going on in your beard and pubes, then, you know, you might last a few days, but otherwise, forget it. Yeah. From that to just adorable children dressing up as well. Just gently whacking their siblings with plastic cutlasses. Yeah. It's a bit like dinosaurs as well,

because the only other thing I can think of, you know, that comes to mind that's more horrifying than a pirate crew would be, um, loaded dinosaurs, you know. Huge, utterly brutal, utterly emotionless, lizard-eyed, lizard men, essentially. There's no man element of them at all. Well, they've ever seen a T-Rex, mate.

No, I haven't. They're walking around on two feet. Or is there anyone else on earth? They're walking around on two feet. Your argument is the T-Rex preceded the ape, isn't it? You've gone one further than Darwin. Of course it did.

Yeah, it's T-Rex, ape. Yeah. Pirate, modern man. This very weekend, I was wearing a pirate eye patch. Wait, to what end? I went to a party, an excellent party that happened on a barge. This sounds like a sort of delicious London sex party

where you all put on eye patches and leather one pieces and then took to the water. Then, as a Londoner, there's a certain level of cultural sophistication and being into the arts does go with a more intense form of hedonism. It goes with it. So, yeah, we enjoy the theatre. We enjoy novels.

We enjoy minimalist music. And we enjoy each other's bodies in ways that... That we would find reprehensible. That you would find reprehensible. The Sonata of... HALFERS. Mind the gap between your provincial existence and this metropolitan utopia.

Next stop, urban enlightenment. The glamorous London life of Henry Macca. Hang on a second. Is that Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber? No. It can't be. Because you're Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber. I know.

You did the other day send us a picture on WhatsApp of you about going to the theatre to watch Medea, which I thought was very high culture. And I thought it won't be long before he's involved in a waterborne leather sex party. The things go hand in hand. I mean, just today on Amazon, for example, I received a brand new leather jerkin.

So that's a... It's hard-welt leather. So it's triple-welted. Chicken leather. It's a triple-welted chicken leather jerkin. It's barbed on the inside, isn't it? Internally barbed. Yep.

And barbed both ways. So whoever I'm with will also be experiencing barbing. But at the same time, I also received a brand new copy of Nicholas Nicolby. In the same... I signed for both at the same time. And that's how it works. Ben, a little confession to make, actually.

You know, I did send you both a photo of a theatre with Medea written on it. Yeah. By Euripides. By Euripides. Small confession. I was actually just walking past that theatre rather than going into it.

Oh, I know. I know, sorry. You had us believe that you were dabbling with the higher culture arts. I know, sorry. I just like playing with how I'm perceived by you. Which in a way is a kind of metatectoral game, which again, you wouldn't understand.

And again, would turn me on slightly in ways that you also wouldn't understand. So yeah, I was on a barge... I was on a London barge party. Do you live in Nottingham? Why? What's that got to... You live in Nottingham. Exactly.

We live in the entire metropolitan area. You actually spend most of your time watching reruns of Only Fools and Horses from your flat in Nottingham. Yes. Occasionally waddling down to the Robin Hood Shopping Centre, yes? Is that a thing?

Probably. Should be. I feel like it is. Yeah, basically, yes. You're right, Ben. To be honest, the last book I actually read, it wasn't a book, it was an M&M and it only had one,

never any words, it was one letter, which is M, that's the thing. Did you finish it? I didn't finish it, no. I couldn't get through it. Was it a short, wordless monologue from a James Bond film? What?

I didn't get that. M. Yeah, M. That's a character called M. Very good. No, I got the... Curse step. I read half of the M, so N.

No. Yeah. I gave up halfway... Half an M isn't an M. I got halfway through an M, gave up, so I read an N. What, visually? Yes, it is two Ns and a O's in M, isn't it?

No, you need to get two thirds of the way through an M. An R and then an N. What's that? It's an M. Curse step. An R and an N. I don't know what...

There's no R. Oh, two Ns. You got a fat middle leg, haven't you? Here's an interesting question. Yeah. How do you spell the letters? So, M... Not an interesting question.

M, for example. I would argue that M, for example, is spelt E. E double M. E double M. N is spelt E double N. F is spelt... I don't think I double these guys at all. You're not doubling them?

I wouldn't have doubled them, no. Just EN. Yeah. So, B... Well, start from the beginning. A, I think it's the only one that's actually just spelt A, whereas AY, actually, isn't it? AI.

AI. Okay, you go for AI. AI. AY for me. Otherwise, you're an I for me. B is spelt BEE, isn't it? B. I'll take it.

Yeah. CSEA. Yeah. Essentially. Yeah. D, DWE. Why are you going to go all the way through? It's going to be hard...

Yeah, I've sort of started. But it's interesting thing to consider. It's not, though. I mean... Interesting. Interesting. Okay, yeah, maybe it's not as well. And in a way, that's interesting to consider, isn't it?

You see, I like to see things from both sides, you know, as a London slash nottinghammer. Actually, the one which is quite hard to spell is H. H, I think it's spelled A-C-H-E, is it? Sort of. No, because that's A-C. No, I'd go A-I-T-H. That's good.

A-I-T-C-H. Yeah, that's good. H. Well, if anyone is still listening, apologize. Apologize forever for all that. All right. And well done.

You can only assume that you've nodded off for a while. Welcome back to 3B Insanity Podcast. We're back. But do email in how you spell any letters, if you want. But to Henry, please. Not to the general account. And please, just trying to guess my email address, please. No, but so I went to a London barge party

where we all met up on a barge. And started off in London's Little Venice, which, if you've ever been there, is a massive insult for that area, because it's... I mean, I call it actual Venice. That's what I call it. You think it's better than the real deal? Oh, not even close.

I mean, I think Venice should be called Big Actual Venice. I think Venice should be called Little... That area... That's London, that's tucked away. It's sort of near Paddington-ish. Yeah, exactly. That's what Venice should be called. Big, that bit sort of behind...

Kind of, you get off at Warwick Avenue too, I think. Or the Circle Line exit from... Big, that bit near Warwick Tube in Paddington was a couple of nice pubs in it. Italy. Yeah. But yeah, yeah, so we started there, and I wore an eye patch at one point for a photo op.

That doesn't really clear up why you were wearing an eye patch. No, because there was a light maritime thing going on. And there was some pirate... Again, Ben, it's London stuff, this, but there was... Yeah, it was all very hedonistic and very... For the last days of Rome, you know, there were some pirate eye patches going around, a couple of tricorn hats.

We were at a child's birthday party. Nottingham. I was once in the pub with someone, and we asked them what they did, and he worked in marine insurance or something. So, yes, he was lying, he was making something up, yeah, carry on. Well, it does seem like he was lying, because he explained that this was basically,

if a ship gets commandeered by modern pirates, often off the East Coast of Africa, obviously, your insurance company, I don't know what they do, send you a Renault Clio that you can use in the meanwhile, or... You know, courtesy car, whatever. Anyway, he was explaining that's what he did, and we all thought, oh, that's quite exciting. And then, and this is the bit that I think might have been bollocks,

he sort of got a phone call and was like, sorry, guys, I've got to go, you know, ship off the coast of Somalia has been taken away by pirates. I might try that. I might try that at the next awkward social engagement. So, Ben, exactly, well, that's the thing, Ben, I hate to break this to you, but that is an absolutely old, old, old social technique.

But it's based on, it comes out of the one which people often use on dates, especially on first dates, which I had done to me a few times. About half an hour into the date, the girl would get a call on her phone. Now, this would be pre-organized with a friend, and then depending on how the date's going, the girl would pick up the phone half an hour into the date, and go, excuse me, Henry, sorry, I've just got a call. And she'd go, oh, yeah, see, I'm on that date,

yes, with that guy, Henry, yeah, he's a complete wanker. And then she'd say, Henry, I'm sorry, I've just had the news that my dog has vomited. That's right. But also, in case you didn't hear that just for the record, I do think you're a complete wanker. So it was a really handy way of a little technique to do on a date. Just plightly letting yourself out.

Yeah. So another thing, another social technique, there are lots of versions of this, but one you can use, just chatting to people, just because you're an exit strategy, is at the beginning of your conversation, when you're talking about what you do, you say that you work in maritime insurance. And then half an hour into the conversation,

you'll get a call, if you're enjoying the conversation with the person, you'll say... Well, let me just think back, because I think what they said was, they said, oh, hi, yeah, I'm just in the pub with some guys. They're a total barrel of wankers. Right. Okay, yeah. And the one I'm talking to right now, he's the absolute top rancid...

Imagine, yeah, rancid apple wanker floating on top of that barrel of rancid wankers. This is the absolute creme de la toile. Those were his exact words, yeah. Yeah. But no, if the conversation's going away, if you're enjoying it, you pick up the phone and you go, yes, oh, great. I'm glad that we've had a big refund from the... From the pirate, from the Somalian pirates.

The Somalian pirates. From the letter of apology. From the letter of apology. Because actually... That hamper, that was good of them. The incident that happened around the Cape of Good Hope turns out, because they weren't, they actually... We didn't need to make that payout for the claim they'd made,

because actually it was the children of Somalian pirates who were doing a children's party that happened to be pirate themed. Honestly, more... It was actually a London barge party. It was a London barge party. The barge became de-tethered. The barge washed up the Cape of Good Hope. Essentially, the premiums remain the same.

The no claims bonus is reinstated. But what that means is we have a payback, which means I've got an extra £4.50, which means I can buy you, Ben, a pint. And let's see, Karen enjoying this chat. So that's what they do if it goes well. That's what they do if they're enjoying talking to you. And then if they're not, they give it the...

Oh, there's been a pirate attack in the... wherever it was. Off the Horn of Africa. It was, yeah, East Africa. If they say Caribbean, then they're not even trying to like convincingly at this point. They're not even, yeah. Well, that's pirates, I think.

Pirates. That's bloody pirates. Thanks, Sarah. Yeah. Army hearties. Email time. When you send an email, you must give thanks

to the postmasters that came before. Good morning, postmaster. Anything for me? Just some old shit. When you send an email, this represents progress. This represents progress. Like a robot shooting a horse.

Check me out, horse. My beautiful horse. It's time for Listener Bollocking of the Week. This is from Megan in Australia. This bollocking pertains to a section of the show that I believe has been bollock-free up until now. The Sean Bean Lounge. Mike, you fool.

You fool, Mike. What have you done? Accessing Listener Bollocking. Bollocking Loading. Bollocking Loaded. Dear Beans, who, as we would say in Australia, bastards. That's from Megan. That's from Australian.

I have a few bollockings in relation to the Sean Bean Lounge. Australian stars of stage and screen, Toblerone Feasts section. Firstly, Russell Crowe is not an Australian. He's a New Zealander. He has lived here from age 21, and he may well be a citizen,

but that counts for nothing. Australia does not claim him. He's a citizen, but that counts for nothing. What a sentence. Megan, good grief. Can I say, sometimes a bollock is so large and so close that you actually can't see it until its shadow is lifted. The hairs are tickling you on the chin.

Yeah, until its huge pubes are poking you right through the eye and out the back of your head. Because that's a bollock we've all been secretly unbeknownst to us living with on this podcast since Inception, isn't it? He wasn't in Inception. Nice. Or was he?

It was all in Russell Crowe's imagination. And then he wakes up from it and he's like, oh my, I'm stuck in traffic again. And then it's that film unhinged. That's the actual film. Inception exists within the unhinged film universe. Okay, so let's chunk this. So that first chunk, Mike, do you accept or reflect that bollock?

I, I refute it and reflect the bollock on the basis of international law. Okay, okay, respect Russell Crowe's citizenship. And I will not have it stripped in the name of bollock. So he's, he's, she's saying that he is, um, he's Lee said that he's a citizen of Australia. Hang on, I've just looked it up. She says that he's not Australian. And I think that means he is Australian.

This is an article from The Guardian. Russell Crowe claims that he was twice denied Australian citizenship. Regarded as one of Australia's greatest cultural exports, the New Zealand-born actor has twice been refused citizenship by the nation he calls home. Is that still the case? All right, fine. Well, in that case, I'm going to grant him Australian citizenship.

Yes. Because I think he's done an awful lot for the Australian nation. And, uh, so on, on, on that basis, reflect a bollock of that bollock chunk. So that's a citizenship grant to reflect a bollock, perhaps straying into bollock back territory. Not sure though. If you bollock me, then I'll bollock you bollock back. Okay.

Uh, this one, I'm not sure about this one. Secondly, nobody in Australia has watched Neighbours since Kylie Minogue left. This is a fact. And only people in the UK have watched this show since the late 80s. Nobody in Australia knew who you were talking about. It doesn't make them not Australian though, does it? Well, I mean, it's a bit like, you know, tree falls and a word and on.

Here's it. Was it in Neighbours? Was it in Neighbours? The, uh, of course, you could say the opposite as well. The opposite is also true for Shropshire Boys, isn't it? We should know hardly anyone in the UK watches Shropshire Boys. Particularly not in Shropshire. Particularly not in Shropshire.

Whereas it's all they talk about in Australia, isn't it? Shropshire Boys. Or Shropo, as they call it. Or Shropo. Well, because it's actually filmed in Leicestershire. That's right. And, and certainly none of us have watched it since, uh, since Nigel Haves left.

So it says that Haves, of course, his arm in oak. Yeah. And he actually left before filming, didn't he? Because he changed his mind about the whole project. That's right. Well, he didn't believe in Shropshire. Well, again, I, I'm going to reflect a bit like on the, on the basis that Madge Bishop,

the lady who played Madge Bishop, is, is an Australian star of stage and screen. These guys come over. They, I mean, they do, they do a bit of panto stage tick. I mean, these are Bumzom seats people in panto season. Absolutely. And the screen, you know, that's an obvious tick. I'm, I'm, I'm afraid Megan, I'm sorry.

That's, that's your second. I would agree. I would agree. I think that's a very feeble and withered tiny little bollock. That just the fact that Australians don't watch the TV show, doesn't mean those people aren't Australian stars of stage and screen. That bollock has the exact size and sort of magnitude and it's by the same level of all as a little,

just the shriveled pip from the inside of an olive. When you look at it on, on a saucer and go, that's gross. Isn't it? Small, wet, feeble. Squirrel bollock. Squirrel bollock. Reflecto bollock. Australian actors, Mike, as you say, it's very true, isn't it?

Australian actors, often they, they're working neighbours and they won't see each other for years. And it's one of the sad things, the actor's life, you get together on projects and you don't see each other for years. And often they'll then meet up again for the first time in decades inside a British pantomime horse. And often it'll be live on stage. And sometimes if you're watching a panto in Britain,

you'll sometimes say, oh my, it's been bloody ages, mate. You're serious, mate. They're like, are you a great... Well, it'll look like the, yeah, the horse is leaking, but actually it's just tears seeping through its abdomen. It's just tears. It's just, it's just Australian tears. Okay.

So I'm gonna feel quite emboldened now, Ben. That's two in a row. Okay, well done, Mike. And the last one is the one that I think a lot of people sent. This is a multi-only bollock. Wagga wagga is not pronounced wagga wagga, it's pronounced wagga wagga. Is it really?

That annoyed a lot of Australian listeners for some reason. I'll take that, absolutely, from there. Okay, well, I apologise. What is that a reference to? It's just a place in New South Wales. Oh, see, wagga wagga. I'll absolutely accept that. That's fine.

That's a square deal. But I can accept it. Now, for the next email, I stand at a crossroads, gentlemen. And, you know, I choose which emails we read out. We can't read them all out. And depending on which I choose next, it has a huge impact on the future of the podcast. The question I'm asking myself is,

do we want this podcast to fundamentally, largely become about geometry and triangles going forward? Because that is an avenue that is open to us, isn't it? That is a... Oh, it's open to us. And that path, disappearing towards the horizon, looks like a very, very, very stretched isosceles, isn't it? That is one way we can go.

Yeah, maths, geometry, angles, calculus, Pythagoras. What's the other one? Well, just more of the same sort of stuff about emus. Just more of the same just absolute nonsense and shies. Interesting. We've had a number of... Like, genuinely, the email account has been set fire to by our talk about triangles.

It turns out that most of our listeners are PhD-level academics who will write a very long email that includes italics. Which, of course, is the closest a typeface can become to triangle, isn't it? It's trying to become a triangle, isn't it? It's leaning over. And what I'm going to say is, I'm going to say, to those people, I'm going to say, thank you for your emails.

I can't say I understood them. I'm not sure a general audience would understand them. And it feels like almost we need to just sort of spin off geometry-based podcasts. People taking on that reflectobolic email of yours. Yes. Yes. They were taking that on. Yeah, it was the one about the triangles in the plane.

Whether it was on a flat plane or a globular plane. Yeah. They weren't happy. They got some heat, do they? He got heat. Oh, he got heat. Also, I mean, I can barely remember what went on. But do you remember we had an email from Dr. Harry Reynolds?

I do. The plane triangle one was in response to that. So Dr. Harry Reynolds, I think, was telling me that I was wrong. I can't remember. And then someone sent in a preemptive, either a preemptive reflectobolic shield. Well, no. No, I think someone else did that, which we then used on.

Someone else did that. We sort of used on Harry Reynolds. Yes, exactly. And denigrated. We denigrated Harry Reynolds, I think, as well. Anyway, Reynolds writes, It's the former Dr. Reynolds here. I wanted to let you know that the pre-Boliking reflecto shield

that you so expertly against me has resulted in my PhD being rescinded. I hope you are happy. You all shamefully missed to Harry Reynolds. Oh, dear. Trams. Well, maybe we'll go down the other route then, because this is dangerous territory now, isn't it? If people...

Yeah, I think that's why I want to say to all those people that sent in baffling, geometrically based emails, thank you for your email. But we can't go there. We just can't go there. For example, we had an email that invokes the reflectoreflectoreflectoreflectobolic. What? That's a level of...

Ooh. You know, you mentioned inception. Just simply too complicated and... That would blow Russell Crowe's tiny mind. So anyway, as a palate cleanser, let's talk about a final email from Leslie in Alaska. Now, Leslie from Alaska has been in touch before. And you may remember that Leslie from Alaska has a son,

he of the onion birthmark. Now, a little reminder for those who might remember, we talked about... That's a long way back. I can't remember quite right this happened. We talked about how a child with an onion birthmark would rise up and... And eventually vanquish spurbs. Then it turned out there were two children

within our listenership who had this onion mark. Anyway, Leslie writes, in light of the recent threats you've received from the sons of spurbs, I write to offer you a ray of hope. Cormac the onion child. The one of two who are destined to defeat spurbs in a caskylysmic battle. Gonna have a great time at school, Cormac the onion child, doesn't he? One of the two destined to defeat spurbs in caskylysmic battle is now 18 months old.

He trains daily in a rigorous program of jujitsu, international diplomacy and knife wielding. Yes, this is... Can I just say quickly, it was foretold thus. He listens to three biennialed weekly. And Michael will be pleased to know that his first words were... Oh, crumbs. Raising the child of a foreboding prophecy is not without its challenges.

And your podcast has been a vital resource. It is universally true that there are only two kinds of advice parents want. One, non-judgmental support from parents who have been there. And two, satirical parenting bullshit from comedians who are clearly aware they have zero business offering advice on anything whatsoever. Don't know which one she puts. Which category she's sorting us into then. Interesting.

Didn't say. To that end, may I propose a new recurring segment on the pod? Three bienn parenting. I need hour long recordings of the tide times to soothe my son during those nights of teething induced sleeplessness. And I need nay demand to hear Henry reduce to tears as he attempts to explain how to work a breast pump. Interesting.

We'd be going up and there's a lot of parenting specific pods on there that would be butting up against quite a congested market. That's true. Having said that, it is better than any ideas we've ever had about what to do with the pod. It is a niche, isn't it? I certainly think I could contribute to parenting pod having reared bluebell. Yeah. Pretty successfully.

It's basically the same thing. It's putting wet meats into dishes, keeping them hydrated. Isn't it? Same sort of thing. We've also got the unique perspective of you've lived that life of the accidental child. So it's useful. Exactly. Yeah.

It's something to bring. Because Mike didn't want you. Mike didn't want me. But too far with you. Leslie signs off by saying, Cormac, the onion child, learned how to turn the vacuum on yesterday. May this be a warning to the sons of spurbs. Once he figures out how to start the car.

You're fucked. Thank you, Leslie and Alaska. Yeah, he's going to be on a skidoo before we know it, isn't he? Okay, time for our Patreon section. And one of you, the listeners, has sent in a version of our jingle, which is always very welcome indeed. This is from Charlie. Charlie has sent us a few things in the past, actually.

So I think he gave us a death metal version of the theme tune. He unearthed that Led Zeppelin demo. Great find. And he also made the clan core version of the B-machine jingle. Horrifying. Which was haunting. That was great. Deeply, deeply disturbing.

He says, I don't like to pat myself on the back, but I think it's pretty clear. I know how to read a room, you do. So continuing in that fashion, here's a skate punk version of the Patreon jingle. Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's time to pay the very name. It's time to pay the very name.

Patreon. Patreon. Patreon. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. Yes. Absolutely brilliant. Great outstanding. Love that.

It reminds me of those films from the 2000s, like American Pie and, you know, those kind of ones where it's like, dude, oh my god, you fucked the postman? Gross. Dude. Charlie writes, the amazing singer Janet helped make this happen. I don't think she's ever heard the podcast. So the best part for me was imagining the thoughts that she had going through her head when I asked her to shout the line forward slash three bean salad.

Well, thanks to Janet. Please pass on our thanks to Janet, Charlie. Janet did a very good job. Incredible. If you'd like to join our Patreon, you can do so at patreon.com forward slash three bean salad, where you can get our monthly bonus episode. You can get ad free episodes. And if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out in the Sean Bean lounge,

where Michael spent the evening last night. Yeah. What were you getting up to? Well, it was the old, it was the it was your hide and seek seafood roulette, wasn't it? It certainly was. Thank you, Henry. And here's my report.

A rare treat at the Sean Bean lounge last night, a Sean Bean dusted off the spinning roulette buffet wheel for a game of hide and seek seafood roulette. An over vigorous first spin from Laura Kate Vincent, whose strength you should underestimate at your peril, dispersed Wes Hall's pile of dried seaweed, causing him to be exposed immediately and sent home in disgrace. Tomo Callaghan put all his chips on red 17, but stained the bay zowing to excess vinegar and was also reprimanded.

Grace McPhail went for red 23 and immediately unearthed Katie McBurney and Laura Huron hiding in a breaded crab cake. Jim Baxter, a veteran of aquatic casino life, spread his bets across all the black pockets and bound Sophie Shippen in a prawn cocktail, Caroline O'Reilly in a haddock Boona, Eddie Thomas and Rory Gracie in a basket meal, Bracket Scampi, Craig Bargreen in a dogfish beast, and Josh Pollard in a parrotfish trifle. The table was reset for a second round, but the evening immediately hit a series of snags, as Karen Horrocks had hidden in a clam chowder without an emergency floatation device

and came close to being sunk by a heavy lard on. Allie Blake's sashimi concealment was over-wasabi'd and almost burnt through Allie's wetsuit, and Lucy Firth had oversealed herself within an oyster Rockefeller and very nearly suffocated. These issues addressed the wheel spun once more. Maria Edlin bet the farm on paella evens but came up rice-less. Jennifer Ackerman put a modest bet on Red 35 but won big when she found Michael plus Sydney in a sea otter thermidor. Laura Sharpe tried to beat the system by going all in on Black 10 and concealing herself on

the same pocket in a mackerel Wellington, but fell foul of Stuart Jones who'd arrived late and missed the briefing and ate Laura with a side of garnicky green beans. Only Karen Candlish was known to still be hiding on the board, so the stakes were high as Georgia Mason bet on Scollop Bolognese, Red 13. Brad Harris on the sticky trout pudding, Black 22, but it was Sammy JC who cracked it with the last bit of the night, finding Karen in Red 31 hunched into the fetal position in a beluga and squeak. As ever, all winnings were donated to the Sean Bean Charitable Seafood Fund

for the preservation of Sean Bean in seafood environments. Thanks all. Okay, that's the podcast. Let's finally work out who's version of our theme tune. Thank you to everyone who sent us a version of our theme tune. They're always brilliant. Would you like a Mr. Sandman-influenced a cappella version? Ooh. Or a dark mambo version?

I'm a big fan of barbershop, personally, Mike. I was also going to go for the acrobat just because I thought it might be a nice contrast to our skate punk that we've just had. Good thinking, absolutely. Yes, it's probably about as far from skate punk as you can imagine, isn't it? This is from Mimi. She says, Hello Beans. For ages, I've wanted to make a Mr. Sandman-influenced a cappella version of your theme tune,

and I finally got round to it tonight. It's a bit rough as I made it in about an hour, but I had a lot of laughs with it. Thank you, Mimi. All we expect. And thank you to everyone for listening. See you next time. Thanks all, Cheerio.