Three Bean Salad - Portraiture

Episode Date: October 13, 2021

Portraiture is this week’s topic, responsibility for which lies squarely at the feet of Phil of Baltimore. The beans gab hard and true and, ever thorough, gab seven bells out of ham (again), Helen of Troy, lying to barbers and coastal face erosion.Get in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpodFeaturing "superhero fanfare.wav" by humanoid9000 of Freesound.org

Why were you asking Mike about dolphins? What was that? Mike's been to Aberystwyth. I was in Aberystwyth over the weekend. Ah! Dolphin Capital of the World, obviously. Exactly right. And normally people go there to swim with dolphins. Yeah, because that's the bucket listing, isn't it?

I was trying out a new show in front of a small pod of... Okay. ...opened-minded comedy going dolphins. Because they like seeing the work in progress, don't they, dolphins? Yeah, they like to see the process. Yes, that's what they're about. And they give great feedback as well, don't they? They did.

They did, afterwards. Yeah, and it was harsh but fair, I will say. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Nice work. And they're often quite physically boisterous as well during the show, aren't they? It's a bit disruptive.

Because people think it's going to be all relaxing and you're just... Oh, well, when you do the circuit, you get used to hecklers, you know. But what you don't get used to is... Have you frozen? Mike's frozen. Oh, sorry. You froze there, Mike, on the punchline. It was the worst possible.

Oh, no. You froze for both of us. Am I back? Your face... You had your face was set into deliver-punchline mode. Yeah. It was a bit like a volleyball player about to do a smackdown. Your face was like, this is...

Just wait for this. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Your nostrils are flat and your cheek muscles are up. You're about to smash it. Yeah. Really smug, nasty little... Yeah.

Really smug, nasty little bastard thinking he's about to deliver the killer blow. Brace yourselves. Yeah. Your eyes went all black. There was no white left. There was... Yeah. They just went black, like a shark's eyes.

That's how they are in their natural state. Right. People don't realise that about me. It was the look... It was the facial expression that an Italian courtier would have when he's about to stab a rival with a very, very small blade between the ribs and into his heart. A blade made for just the occasion.

Yeah. The swordsmith himself lying dead in a pool of his own blood. After the deal is done. Stabbed with the very sword that he made for you, because you got him to make two swords, didn't you? Which he didn't come on to at the time. Oh, one of them was the swordsmith's layer. I said, the second one doesn't need to be his ornate.

It doesn't need to be gilded or what. It's just got to work, really. A close range. Really heavy, you know. Really mess up a sternum. You do that? And do you wear chain mail? Do you wear chain mail in the workshop?

You don't. Oh, yeah. So it doesn't need to be too tough, then. Yeah. So you wear one of your cheaper... What's that? Why? Oh, no, just...

Don't worry about it. Just because a guy I know doesn't wear chain mail in the workshop. Just out of interest, if you did have to die, would you rather be decapitated, or just straight through the chest? Or up the arse. It's up to you. Because, bearing in mind,

you've been a great guy to work with, and you seem to be an honest guy who gets the job done. But if you were to get murdered, I'd like it to be in a way that wasn't overly offensive to you. Just, yeah. Just hypothetically speaking, though. Just either way, I'll see you on Tuesday at half one. Thanks a lot.

At La Crosse. At La Crosse. When you get there, I mean, don't forget to say, if you know anyone else who's interested in joining, I know we're full at the moment, but I gather there might be a vacancy coming up. So just, you know, spread the word, really.

We need someone in goal. Because we've got that match coming up against Venice. And I know you're in goal, but we need a backup, don't we? Because... You've got to have a sub. I've always said it. Yeah. No, I've never said it, but I'm saying it now,

and it makes sense. Yeah, so that'll be, so, 15 florins. And jobs are good. Oh, no, Henry's frozen now. Is he frozen for you? Did I freeze? He froze very briefly. It was a fleeting freeze.

For you, did it hit the punchline? No, he was just... I don't know, he looked like he was trying to scratch the back of his soft palate with his tongue. Was it the point where I was just about... I had the facial expression that you have when you're just about to deliver what you know is an incorrect currency

for a historical period of time. That look of slight guilt. I was just wanting to say the word florins. I think florins might have been... Do you think florins might be right? Maybe it was right. I was going to let it pass. I doubt myself sometimes.

Now you've flanked it up. You've always got your backup pieces of silver, haven't you? A purse of gems. Mike, you would have been a good Italian courtier. Stealing in and out of bed chambers. Thank you. Making love and murdering people, just sort of alternately.

Or just as the mood took you. Eventually myself being hacked to pieces. Yeah. Very cuckolded counts. But also playing a mandolin as he runs from building to building. Do you always know who he is? I think your death, Mike, would come. Because I think you're someone that can't be foxed.

Can't be foxed. You can't be foxed. No one can fox you. You know what I mean? The authorities have been trying to fox you for decades. You just cannot be foxed. You're unfoxable. But what eventually will happen is all the townsfolk of the entire town will just bludgeon you to death.

Oh, you don't need foxing, don't you? You don't need to be no foxing. When you've got people literally ripping up the cobbles to pound you into a pest. You know, you've either made love to someone that everyone knows, or you've killed someone. You don't know what I mean? Eventually you've pissed off everyone in the town.

And it's the baker, the butcher. All the smithies, all the members of the different, you know. The smithies, they've pushed at least six statues onto me during the course of the beast. They're all killing you according to the rules of their chosen profession. There's the Guild of Marzipan creators. They're all there.

They're just like, just pelting you with almonds. And there's the Guild of little bejeweled masks. And what they do is they put the mask on you, but the wrong way around. Oh, it does rub. Oh, it really rubs. So it really hurts. It's really scritchy.

But everyone gets one blow, like that. That's their blow, yeah, yeah. Inside that mask and then heavy book on top. Oh, yeah. The Profiterole League. Stuffing me with cream. Coating me with uncomfortably hot chocolate. The Loot Makers.

Stringing me up. The Ham Curos. They'll be shoving clothes into you. My mask begins with water. Oh, they'd feast on me at the end of it, of course. Yeah. And then that's the town feasts. And I think then there'd be a moment of what have we done.

Yeah. You know, because, you know, you get caught up in that kind of stuff, don't you? Yeah. And they'd look down at the beautiful, meat, just falling off the bone. Yeah. Just, and I think a lot of them.

Turned to Ash in their mouth. You know, they'd be like, oh, it's so nice. Yeah. But ultimately, you know, he did nothing wrong. That's the thing about a kind of renaissance era mob killing, isn't it? It was, you know, it would have been a lot of fun at the time. Yeah.

Yeah. But the next day you wake up feeling a little bit, no one's going to talk about it, are they? Well, it goes one of two ways. Either it's forgotten about and people never talk of it again, or it's immortalised by Canaletto and puts up in the Vatican. And of course, Comedia Del Arte brigades. Of course.

That character could then become immortalised as one of the... He would be one of the stock characters, the archetypal characters. Yeah. One of the stock, yeah, yeah. Stick stealing in our bedchambers, stabbing people. He'd be one of the ones constantly walking with their pelvis thrust out towards the audience,

an obscene, lascivious character. That's right. Yeah. And a hand on one hip. Yeah, yeah. Here he comes. It's Lugetto. And it's always quite obvious that he's going to try and seduce your wife

when he comes into the party, because he's got a huge sort of phallic, sort of addition to his codpiece there. You know, he'll have a sort of... With a bell on the end. They'll have a huge phallus with a bell on the end stuck to his codpiece. Incredibly shifty eyes.

And loads and loads of heavy sort of evil looking eyebrow makeup. And he'll be playing, obviously, playing at you. He'll be playing his mandolin. And wherever he goes, there's always a mob chasing him from the last village. A cumulative mob from village after village. And eventually, you just can't outpace them, can you? Eventually, there comes a point.

Eventually, you get to the seaside, don't you? Eventually, you get to the seaside. That's your choice, death by mob or death by sea. Or set up a pedalo business. And sharpish. Which is a slow death by sea, isn't it? You can't say that you're living when you're running a pedalo business.

Yeah, exactly. It's a kind of living death. It's almost more tragic when the opera's end like that, isn't it? With the lights slowly going down on a man polishing a large mechanical swan with pedals on. Well, experienced opera goers will often walk out at that stage. They don't want to see it. Pulling handfuls of leaf culture out of the sort of mechanism.

When once he pulled the brassiers from the wives of Dukes. And now it's time for Pompidou's section. Pompidou. So, guys, in last week's show, I revealed to you that my wish was that we could for once have a professional opening to the show. Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. I've forgotten all about that.

Sorry. Yeah. Well, we've already spent time talking about Mike's trip to our wrists, which was kind of ruined it. But could we just have a 90-second moment of professionalism? Have you prepared anything? Well, no, I am at my core of professionalism. I don't need to, you know, like you might struggle, I imagine.

You can just trot it out, you think. Of course, it is who I am. Okay. Live. Oh, wow. Well, we're not live. Not live. Coming to you, not live from Cardiff, Exeter and London.

It's three bean salad. Oh, wow. Maybe add in something. Big, big crowd. Yeah, I reckon. Can you give me fireworks? Fireworks, yeah. Perhaps a sort of a cannon, a sort of a 12 gun salute, something like that.

Is it 12? 21. I don't know. How many guns? We've got three gun salute for three beans. The sound of a cannon firing a massive prize-winning beam. Oh, that's good. Into the wall of the Mott & Bailey Castle, please, Ben.

Okay. Can you give me like a vibe for the crowd? Start off as a sort of polite, Gleinborn kind of wine cooler in the picnic camper. Yeah. Proper knives and forks. It's a spork-free picnic. And I've caught a cold buffet selection from M&S. Some tabbouleh.

Some tabbouleh, a proper stilton from a decent cheese munger. And a dangerously sharp knife for the saucy sausage. Have they got some of those French sausages that smell like, those ones that smell like shite, aren't they? Are you aware of that? Yeah. On duet. On duet, yeah.

I once ordered an on duet in a French restaurant. Did they sort of go, are you sure? Are you sure? Are you very sure, sir? A sweat did break out on the metrodes face. I should have noticed. Do you have to go into a special room to eat it under an extractor fan? I think we just put our big sort of sealed hat on you these days.

Like a beekeeping outfit. Well, basically, but it actually wasn't so much to smell. It was, it looks like a sausage from the outside, but you cut as soon as you cut into it. Four and 20 blackbirds fly out. Four and 20 blackbirds fly out and start pecking everyone. Now, basically, it kind of, it just falls open and the skin of the sausage is just like a sack containing loads of offal. So like sort of veins and things which almost like springs, like sort of wet, fleshy springs.

Like hot. So like a spleen will just slip out. Yeah. Yeah. And glide across the plate and fall on the floor. Like from what? Like from a semi-mechanical sheep with springs and cogs. Yeah.

It just feels like steampunk meat. Yeah, like sacs, but sacs, S-A-C, you know, little sacs of fluid. Oh, yeah. Cysts. Little cysts. Little chewy, beady looking things. And there might be something like a hard, just sort of bit of like cartilage that just like a perfect sphere that just rolls across the table like a marble.

Really, really odd stuff comes out of it. Excuse me, waiter, what is this? So that is a benign gruff. You are very lucky to... You're so, so lucky, sir. And sometimes they'll take off the benign growth and bring it back with a candle stuck in it, to get everyone in the restaurant to stand up and cheer. Did it smell like, it does smell like food, isn't it?

Actually, we didn't remember the smell, but I think I was just overcome by the grossness of what was happening that I... How's your professional intro going so far? So, I mean... Oh, yeah, so the ham put. So this is just the vibe, we're just still on the vine. So the sound of the audience begins at that kind of pitch. Yes, that's right.

A polite Henriette picnic. And then after the bean gets shot out of the cannon, the audience then turns, gets gradually more excited and sort of ends up being like woodstock, sort of absolutely mad for it. And does it tip over into violence? And by the end, the Hell's Angels is starting to kick off. And it kicks off into violence. You get a sense that maybe this is actually the end of the 60s.

What's happening here? Maybe the dream is over. Okay, and then, okay, so there's the introduction. We hear that happen. Then, Henri introduces a format of the show to the listener. Okay, yeah. That's good. Take it away, Henri.

You send us the topics. We talk about the topics. And then, we do emails. Christ, that makes it sound pretty dry, doesn't it? That's dry. When you sum it up. That doesn't sound like a good show, does it? It doesn't sound like a good show, does it?

I think it almost rather... I thought we'd never heard that. I mean, we could lie at this stage, we could be like, we look at the top five new cinema releases coming out this week. Which should you watch? And what should you get on DVD? That's good. That's much better.

That's good. I'd far rather listen to that. Why on earth would anyone listen to the former? There's Henri's horror of the week. There's Mike's rom-com of the week. And Ben will be speaking to Matt Damon. This sounds good. In Plemons news, Mike will tell us what Plemons...

Jason... We couldn't get Jesse Plemons, but we've got his cousin, Jason. Or at least a man who claims to be his cousin. And Mike will tell us what he's been up to, although we'll only have Jason Plemons as work for it. Assuming he plays ball and sends us the weekly emails that we want him to. Which he might not,

as the Plemons family are famously sick of it. Some say it's a mistake to have a Plemons section when we've really got no in, apart from Jason, who we know in. We're pretty sure isn't even actually related to Jesse Plemons. But it's a building block, isn't it? You've got to start somewhere. And when life gives you Plemons...

Oh, good. That's a... We could make that jingle for the Plemons section, for the podcast that isn't even our podcast. When life gives you Plemons... You make Jason Plemonade. What's next then? We've introduced the format.

How about a thing where we all say where we're from? I'm Henry and London. He's done that, hasn't he? Oh, we've done that, actually. No, no, let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Okay.

I'm Henry and London. And this is Mike, calling from Exeter. And I'm Ben, all the way down the line from Cardiff. And you're listening to Three Beings Salad. It's fun. It's educational. Some people even say it's edutainment. We don't really care. We're just three guys having a laugh, right?

Is that good? Yeah. And don't forget, Jason Plemons. Jason Plemons update coming soon, soon, soon, soon, soon. Jason's dead. But that's not going to stop us doing the segment. Oh, new segment.

Jason would have loved this. And introducing Corpse Cam. Inside his coffin. We'll interview a maggot. While reading Plemons' will. He's left everything to the Republican Party. Well, okay. Maybe next week we can try again.

The thing is, Ben, the truth is that the new professional is unprofessional, isn't it? That's the new profession. Because the new profession is you always start an interview with the guy going, so can I have a cup of tea? Whereas Corpse says on this chair, shall I? Oh, excuse me. Oh, I think the detail you've missed, Henry,

is I think that the new professional gives the appearance of being unprofessional. Yes. Right. As opposed to your version. It's a studied informality rather than the Henry packet just has been hanging some wet shorts over some quite delicate recording equipment. The other thing you always get now is this, you get them to putting their microphone on the shirt, don't you,

before an interview in like a true crime thing. They'll be like, oh, I just put the mic. Stick it on there, sure. Can I have some raisins? Does anyone got any raisins? And then it'll be like, on the night of the 15th of February, I was driving my cup car down the street in the big city. As they call it.

And you've just been seeing the guy ask for raisins and it's like, oh, this is, he's so much more real now because he eats raisins. Right. What's going on? Have we got enough for an intro there? I don't know. I think we're making baby steps towards professionalism. I'm pretty pleased with what we've achieved today.

I'm Henry and Lump. And this is Mike, calling from Exeter. And I'm Ben, all the way down the line from Cardiff. And you're listening to... Three, three, salad. You send us the topics. We talk about the topics. And then we do emails.

Time to turn on the bean machine. The lights and dials wearing, flashing, the cogs spinning. The pistons going up and down. Pistons going up and down. The exhaust pipe belching. The exhaust pipe belching, acrid toxic smoke. Every time we switch it on, the world is warmed by a full three degrees. Sheer amount of power needed to create true randomness,

which is almost impossible. And some people say that if you did play the bean machine infinitely or close to infinitely, let's say five million years, eventually the topics would start to come back and you'd see a pattern. Yes, but fortunately, because, as Mike mentions, it's really driving, glervorming. It's really in the driving seat when it comes to that. We would reach the heat death of the globe before we ever saw the same...

Certainly before bags came round again, I think. Yes, so people wouldn't have to worry about being bored of that. Henry, can I shock you? But I literally just pressed the random number generator and bags came out. What? Can't do redo bags. There's nothing left to say about bags anyway. We rented...

Yeah. Went to town on bags. So this week's topic... Yes, please. Sent in by Phil in Baltimore. I assume he's either... And I won't say that. Do he's either a drug dealer or a cop?

I was about to say that, but it just felt a bit on the nose. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he's a stevedore. He might be a stevedore, but a corrupt one, working for the union. The fact is the stevedores are in the pockets of the unions, aren't they? Who themselves cow-tow to city hall. And those guys are just gangsters in a suit and tie. Oh, truth. And even the tie makers are taking someone's dollar.

Welcome to Baltimore. But you know what you've got the moment is? You've got a lot of rival gangs running wire-themed tours of Baltimore. Is that the new plague upon the city? That's the new plague. They'll be on the corners going, I can show you Bub's house. I can show you Bub's house.

Anyone want to see Bub's house? People will pull up in a car. A couple of British tourists will pull up in a car going, Yeah, we'd love to see Bub's house. Hang on, there's a guy down there who's offering to show us Dominic West trousers. Which one should we go with? Been trying to sell Dominic West trousers on my Bub's house patch. Very, very nasty.

Nasty business. So, this week's topic, sent in by Phil in Baltimore, is... Portraiture. You're an artist, Henry. Have you ever done someone's portrait? I tell you what, I did a self-portrait at school. Oh, yeah. It was using, I think it was using oil paint for the first time,

which was very, very hard to use. I don't think I've ever used oil paint in my life. Why is it hard? I can't remember exactly. But it's big boys league, you know what I mean? Because there's crayons, there's coloured pencils. There's watercolours. You've covered all that.

Yeah. There's those colour pencils that you can get wet and they turn into watercolour. Yeah. But, it's big boys league when it's oils. Can you know if someone says, I do a bit of watercolour painting, you know that A. It's trash. Yeah.

And B, they're probably a character in the film Howard's End. People sort of dabble in watercolours, don't they? Boris Johnson probably dabbles in watercolours, I mentioned. But I assume those people are more interested in the quality of their folding chair, rather than the quality of the painting. Exactly. Have they got a decent thermos? A nice Panama hat.

It's all about the gear. Yeah. But with oil, there's a reason the masters painted an oil. And I think because I was at school, I was a bit pretentious. I think I was thinking I could sort of... Were you thinking that you might sort of reinvent the genre entirely? Do you think you thought you might have a period named after you? I tried something that was too ambitious for GCSE essentially.

I thought I'm going to do some interesting stuff with colour here. And what happened is the colour was too... I couldn't get the colour right. Basically, what I did was I kept adding more and more paint. And this is the cycle you can get stuck in when you're using oil paint. Is you're adding more and more paint. It's getting thicker and thicker on the canvas. And muddier.

That's the phrase people use, muddy. And I was just lobbing more and more paint at my face. It was sort of getting purple and brown. And at one point it was sort of cubist for a bit. Because I was kind of like to exaggerate some of the shapes of shading on my face. And basically, every week I'd go back to it and it was just getting worse and worse. And I became like a sort of... I sort of became a bit of a van Gogh figure for that term.

I was troubled by the painting. I stopped thinking about it for the rest of the week. I'd go back, you know, every Thursday and I was like, I can't look at it today. I can't look at it. Oh, no! And you start to think, which one is the real Henry? Is it me or is it this monstrosity in front of me?

And, you know, I'd sometimes be found naked rocking in the corner of the art studio. And my art teacher put it up as a sort of warning of what happens if you don't respect oils. Was it not obvious to you and everyone at the time that it was a reflection of your true spirit and you had managed to communicate to the world what's inside? The inner Henry. Well, it may have had a sort of portrait of Dorian Gray vibe to it. Because in that... What happens in that again?

He's got a portrait in the attic, hasn't he? He sold his soul. Yes, I know that didn't happen. Sorry, it's not there. He sold his soul so he doesn't age. He remains beautiful and young and goes out as a sort of Libertine character carrying on with people left, right and centre. Oh, that's it.

And getting notched off his bones. Right, yeah, I know. And the portrait gets all his hangovers, essentially, and looks like absolute dog shit as a direct result. So what's the lesson of the book? Sure, at the end it all goes wrong, doesn't it? It's been such a long time, I don't remember. Be dragged to hell.

That's often the... It's one of the rules of literature, isn't it? One of the things we can all learn from literature is that doing a deal with the devil, it's just not worth it, is it? Do you know what I mean? It's amazing, really, that we keep asking to write this book. I know, because whenever you're watching something where someone does a deal with the devil,

you're always like, oh, come on, mate, don't... Just don't... It's not... I know he's offering you loads of stuff like you get your own train, you can drive around like a car or whatever. You know what I mean? He'll be offering you amazing stuff. It's like your go-to.

If you're going to have anything on Earth, it'd be a train you can drive like a car. A train you can drive around the streets like a car and a season ticket for your favourite zoo. Favourite zoo, like an infinite hamper. This is sounding better, no? With just non-stop picnic ready fare that you can just open up at any time of the year and pies will fly out of it. That's being served to you by the train staff off the trolley.

Yeah, you've got your own buffet car. Access to it at 24.7. You've got a buffet trolley and it's not even extortionately priced. It's a mid-priced buffet trolley. Oh, nice. I'll have some of those crisps, although I bet they're going to cost an arm and a leg. Oh, no, sir. They're actually 75p.

Okay. And then you open it and you're like, hang on, what's this? These crisps appear to have not settled in transit. So they're floating in the packet. Yeah. Crisps that don't obey the laws of gravity. Well, that'll be one of the things the devil offers you. Zero G crisps.

Zero G crisps where the size and shape of the crisps are evenly distributed around the crisp mass. You don't have the bigger ones at the top. You can offer those crisps freely to your compatriot or someone sitting next to you on your personal car train and not have to worry about them getting the big ones. Little details like that that Satan will throw in. Well, he's a salesman ultimately, isn't he?

He understands that the devil is in the detail. Exactly. And you get to go out with Helen of Troy. That's what happened in Dr. Faustus. And she's, admittedly, she's about 3,000 years old at this point, but she's still got it. She's still charming. But you've got nothing in common.

Yeah. She speaks for ancient Greek, does she? She's got a little bit of Mesopotamian, but not more than to be able to order a baguette or something like that. Ask directions. Yeah, she's got holiday Mesopotamian. Yeah. She wouldn't be able to understand the directions she was given,

but she could just ask for them. Yeah. She could say thank you to a chariot driver. She won't watch Squid Game. She won't. She won't watch Squid Game. No, that would be very unsettling, I think, for... She's not ready for dystopian, is she?

I don't think. For dystopian vision of Korea. I mean, for her, the concept of Korea itself, well, she simply won't be able to compute. No, she won't watch Squid Game. What will she watch? I think I'd start off with some junior stuff. No, I think you'd have to start with something a bit Greek

so that she feels at home. So maybe the Mamma Mia franchise. Mamma Mia 1 and then Mamma Mia 2. Here we go again. So you're introducing it to Western culture through the lens of Greece and Abba. You're softening her up. I agree with your first thought, Mike, which is kid stuff,

because I think you'll need to retrain her brain completely to relearn sort of experience. So it's things like teletubbies and stuff, but is there a Greek addition? Just to Ben. So Greek-dubbed teletubbies. Greek-dubbed Mr. Ben. So at this point, you're going,

yeah, I am technically dating Helen of Troy, but how great is this? Fifth week of watching Greek-dubbed teletubbies. She's not really trying to learn the language, the modern. She's not trying. Even modern Greek. Never mind modern English. So hang on.

Oh, so you have to get on to modern Greek. So then you can send us English lessons with a Greek-speaking. I think so, yeah. And she's probably a bit of a sport. A bit over-celebrated in her youth. So she's going to be a little bit difficult about all this homework that she's got. She's probably also got a number of diseases

that we've eradicated. Yes, and you're in constant state of terror because the second you get the mildest cold in the winter, she's toast, isn't she? Probably. So give her her jabs. Yeah. Give her her jabs at least.

Yeah, give her her jabs. Stick her in front of teletubbies. She'll probably only be a couple of feet tall, won't she? So you'll be having to get baby clothes, won't you? This is becoming quite a sick sort of tableau. A woman in baby clothes watching teletubbies. As you jab her with various vaccines. Trying to force her to learn modern Greek,

which you don't speak. It's hard going, isn't it? Yeah. Obviously, you've got Mary Beard living with you translating the whole time. She's just trying to help out. Just trying to help. You put the call out on Twitter, she's turned up.

Giving constant ancient to modern Greek lessons and making 12 moussakas a day. She's probably also interrogating Helena quite rigorously as well, trying to get a few details in the period. Well, think about her next book. Yeah, because that's probably what she's thinking. I'll help out.

I'm not expecting any pay, but I think I'm going to get a good book out of this. I reckon. Yeah. Yeah. Helen's not yielding any of the goods at all. And so, by the time that, you know, Greece deploys an army to come and get her back.

Modern day, they're doing it again, modern day Greece. Yeah, I think I'll have to repeat the ancient those protocols, won't they? It's in the constitution. So, do you think you don't end up trying to send Helena and Troy back? Have you got a 14-day cooling off period

with the devil where you can sort of go? That's the trouble. That's why you've got to check the small print with the devil. And now we've left the EU as well. There's less consumed perception for people doing deals with devils. Exactly.

And, you know, hell is infinite. That's the thing you've really got to bear in mind, even when you're picturing your personal car train and all the nice finishings that I'll have on the inside and everything. A long afternoon spent watching Greek telly tabbies. Sure, that's fun. But infinite.

That is a long time to be getting thrashed. Or, obviously, what might hell would be potentially ironing an infinite shirt. So, you'd rather some demons using a train, like dental floss, but up your arse and out your mouth. You'd prefer that. That's a good one. So, just ironing quite a lot.

Well, I think it would probably be both, wouldn't it? That's the trouble with Satan. He won't ill-double down on things like that. He'll be like, Henry, you're ironing forever. And I'll be like, oh. Yeah, you think you've made an agreement that it's one or the other. Yeah, exactly.

You know, it's actually both. You're getting body flossed and you're ironing a shirt with not just 20 billion, but more than that, sleeves. And the same number of pockets. The same number of pockets. Very tricky areas to iron over. He's probably left some stuff in some of those pockets as well.

Some little bits of screwed up tissue paper and small pens. At one point, you'll go, oh, it's a fiver. I found a fiver. But then you remember. It's not legal tender in the eighth circle of hell, unfortunately. It's not legal tender because it's euros, isn't it? Oh, satire.

Hang on. What? Okay, caricaturists. Which we have talked about in the past. But they feel like they're an important part of the portraiture canon. You know who's the surprisingly amazingly good caricaturist? Prince Charles. No.

All stand for the king. We're entering the regal zone. Regal zone. Off with their heads. On with the show. Listen not to the whores and the shopkeepers. Bring me more advisors. The regal zone.

I mean, Prince Charles is the ultimate caricaturist dream. He's week one of caricature at school, as Prince Charles. He's almost pre-carcatured. Yeah, he has got like a caricatured face. Now, somebody who's amazing at caricatures, Wigley, is Darren Brown. If you Google Darren Brown caricatures, they're absolutely incredible. Now, Henry, in the past in this podcast, you've been somewhat dispatching about Darren Brown.

And I wonder whether, even subconsciously, you telling us that Darren Brown is good at portraiture is just you trying to claw back, just trying to throw him a bone and trying to subconsciously apologize for your forthright opinions on his bullshit magic. Or is it the other way around? Is it that he knew about this caricaturing excellence? And in fact, it was professional jealousy

that initiated his torrent of rage. And that's the core of my rage. He was trying to take him down a peg. It's the ugly green eyed monster. Has this whole notion that he's a good caricaturist been planted in Henry's brain by Darren Brown? I think the most likely is I'm quite angry that he's such a good caricaturist.

I'm trying to head it off at the pass by pretending I'm happy about it and I'm impressed. It was actually, I'm fricking livid by how good his picture of Bruce Willis is. So look at his caricatures. Google Darren Brown caricaturist. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Have a look now.

Right. Oh, his Prince one is phenomenal. God, he is good, isn't he? Actually, it is irritating, isn't it? Yeah, so it is. It's really irritating. Can I say something? Go on.

Are you going to naysay them? I think if someone's good at caricatures, I have less respect for them. Yes. Yes. Thanks. Oh, God, that's like a breath of fresh air, Ben. Thank you.

Oh, yeah. It is a dog shit art form, isn't it? It's a bit, isn't it? You have less respect because they have chosen, they have had 10,000 hours spare free and they have chosen to deploy those hours on that. Well, that's it. That's it.

Rather than anything else. Yeah. And also, I think it's to do with the fact it's always celebrities. Yes, you're right. There's something a bit... So it's always Jack Neckleston and like, why? Why? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're right. I don't know. Maybe I'm being unfair. Is it a bit like being an impressionist versus being an actor? Oh, but I quite like an impressionist, though, because it's quite good fun. But I think it's seen a bit snootily, isn't it, by the acting community?

Because actors, whenever an actor is playing a real person in interviews, they always say, I didn't want it to be an impression. It is, though, isn't it? But isn't that like, that's like a get out of jail free card, isn't it, for an actor? It's my interpretation.

Exactly. If you've portrayed someone, but you just haven't been able to nail their likeness or accident, you can just go, well, I didn't want it to be an impression. Yeah. And actually, I wanted to capture their spirit. Whereas for the previous six months, you've been thinking, right,

I need to get my impression sorted of Sir Anthony Hopkins, assuming you're playing Sir Anthony Hopkins, and you'd be hiring impressionist coaches, you'd be hiring Rory Bremner, other famous impressionists. Got to get this impression down. Got to get this impression down. Why would they make a film where someone's doing an impression of Anthony Hopkins?

When Anthony Hopkins is still very much available? Because weirdly, he's not that good at playing himself. So he's commissioned this film, has he? He's commissioned it, yeah. And he's got young Mike Wozniak to play Anthony Hopkins at every age of his life from birth to his current advanced age. It's a big job for you, Mike. I feel I'm ready for it, though.

Obviously, and with Mike, the thing you have to know about him, and if you're a casting director listening, he's not willing to lose that moustache, Mike. So that stays on no matter the role. I don't mind what you do in posts. Do you like in posts? You know, I'm happy to put a green snood on it, if you like.

Okay. So you can key it out. You'll use green tache, won't you? You'll use green... I'll use green tache. Yeah. Green tache technology. Yeah, there's no problem with that.

I don't mind at all. Yeah. Yeah. That's fine. But if we do that, then the moustache at least needs to be credited at the end of the film. Yeah.

So what is your reason for insisting on keeping the tache on set? Well, otherwise, my balance is all off. I fall backwards a lot if I'm clean shaven. And my voice is too shrieky. It buffers the voice. It takes out some of the higher squawking tones of it. It's crucial for that. Because without the moustache,

your natural voice tone is sort of roughly at the pitch of a rooster, isn't it? Well, we're three roosters. Three squeezed roosters. Three squeezed, agitated. Slowly crushed in an oak door. Yeah. Yeah. It's agitated rooster death row, isn't it?

That's... Which I discovered earlier in my career, there was very little call for in the industry. And once you've laid that down, put it on a library track, then you're done. So it's moustache or nothing. Plus as well, there's very little mid-face going on without the moustache. So it needs filling out visually.

It's true, because your face drops off, doesn't it? So if you're scanning your face... Well, for example, if I was a robot, an intelligent robot scanning your face from the top down to establish what you were. From the top down, I'd go probably 70% chance of human. Mid-four had to be like 85% chance of being human. Eyes, 95% chance of human.

Nose, 97% human. But then from the nose down, it would be... Squid, squid, squid. Squid, squid, squid, squid, squid, squid, squid, squid. I've accidentally terminated a squid. Our allies in this invasion... Since the Netflix series Squid Game changed the world. Yeah, because your face drops off, doesn't it?

It's a bit like if you've ever seen an area of cliff... With an overhang. Where the overhang's recently fallen down and you see it kind of... But mine doesn't even have the charm of Tom Cruise dangling off it with one hand. No, exactly. But also if your face was a bit of coastline... Oh, don't build a house on it. I wouldn't want to build a house on that because...

You'd be asking for trouble. There's evidence that it has dropped off in the past and the whole thing might actually... It's happening sooner or later, that's just... Yeah, like that whole area might completely drop off. Which is what I've been told to expect will happen to me at some point in the future. Particularly if I get too exposed to heavy rains at some point, the top half of my head is just going to slough off

into the sea. But it doesn't have the supporting base. No. It would also be a bit like when someone, you've known for years, takes their false teeth out for the first time. Right, yeah. And there's a sort of lower facial collapse that happens to me, but in the slightly higher up.

Yes, but a few would be like someone taking off their false chin and jaw. Yeah, or their false eyes. And teeth, and eyes. Or a bit like... The other thing that's a bit like is a sort of fucked ping pong ball. Oh my god. Is it, you know, when a ping pong ball's all collapsed in, you want to either stick it in boiling water, because you've heard that helps.

Which obviously you would have, I presume you tried before... Oh, I've boiled my head cameras times. It doesn't work for me at all. Yeah, hoping it would just fill out through pressure. And just, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So just air pressures, natural tendency to regulate itself on either side of a membrane. And of course, the other one is blowing very, very, very hard into your own mouth,

which is fucking very, very hard. Yeah. But presumably your parents would have tried blowing into your mouth, would they? They did. They used to, they get a bicycle pump each. They'd gaffer take my mouth shut, shove the ends of the trees up, and each of them take a nostril each, three, two, one.

Yeah. Whap! Yeah. Never worked. Because sometimes it could, it could, but sometimes it can just pop out and it's fixed, isn't it? It's like... With some, yeah, yeah, yeah, but it wasn't.

But with some, there was something more fundamentally structural going on, so it wasn't going to work with me. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And that's why Mike was encouraged to become the first person under 13 to have a former star. Transplant. To have a former star transplant. Yeah, none of this is from...

Yeah. Tom Selleck sent this to me as a gift when I was nine years old, because he's philanthropic, and he just wanted to get behind a cause, really, at that point, give something back. So he sent it to me in the post from Hawaii. I was very excited. On ice? On dry ice.

He sent it to me on dry ice. So spectacular parcel to open. Obviously, the risk is that, you know, at some point, if and when Tom Selleck does pass away, that it'll be haunted. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. But, you know, it's like Dorian Gray, isn't it? You make these deals and you...

Yeah. You pay your money, it takes your choice. Yeah, because in some ways, doing a deal with Tom Selleck is actually worse than doing a deal with the devil. The things he's able to access and do. Yeah. Selleck's reach is extraordinary. Or the power you get from being someone who most people at a certain age in the 90s would

sometimes get mixed up with Bert Reynolds. Obviously, the worry with getting a portrait done, and this is something I've worried about, is that you'll learn the truth of your face. Yes. Because as humans, we don't know the truth of our face, do we? You know, when you look yourself in the mirror, you're so familiar with yourself.

A, you never see yourself the right way around, because when you're in the mirror, you're inverted. Sideways, aren't you? You're flipped. So, you don't ever know what you actually look like. So, to see a portrait would be to see the truth of your own face. I mean, I don't even like looking at... I don't like looking at photos of myself.

Do you like looking at photos of yourself? I don't like looking at photos of you either. No, exactly. A lot of people don't like looking at photos of myself. No, I mean, sometimes there's a horrible feeling where you look at a photo and you sort of don't recognise it, and then you're like, oh, fuck, it's me. Do you have that?

Yes, and you sort of put it down to, oh, I'm not very good at photo. I just can't sort of smile spontaneously. I know, I just not very photogenic. And yeah, then you are faced with, no, that's just what you look like in that moment. That's because that's what you look like. Yes.

Sorry. I think to compensate a bit for what Mike just went through in that bit of chat, I'm going to make myself vulnerable now. You're going to turn the caricaturist's pencil on yourself. But I, in terms of self-image, because in the old days, they had portraits, and that was really the only way you would know how you looked, for example, in the morning before mirrors, if you were rich enough, someone would paint a portrait of you

very quickly, wouldn't they? And you'd go, oh, I'm looking puffy. They had mirrors, but they had shit mirrors, didn't they? I mean, if you've ever visited an old stately home or a castle. And seen the looking glass, they were crap. But is that because they were all enchanted? A lot of them were enchanted. Some of them were cursed.

Some of them were just wobbly. Also, glass is technically a liquid, isn't it? So that mirrors slowly sort of drip downwards and get fatter at the bottom. Am I being unfair to them? Because they've just, they've gone on a bit. I think it's just gone on a bit. So what does that mean the shard is going to look like in 500 years time?

Is it just going to be a big sort of blobby? Is it just going to look like a sort of giant glass nipple? From space, that's what it'll look like. It'll be the only nipple visible from space. Okay. I think there's going to be a huge puddle, a massive puddle, just with a penthouse poking at the top. And a decreasingly popular rooftop restaurant,

which at that point will have no more allure or panache than just your average sort of Belushi's nearestation. And in terms of self-image, when I started going bald, losing my hair, now I think we can talk about this. I'm the only bald bean. Right? Well, as far as you know.

As far as I know. Yeah. And of course, before you lost your hair, you had sort of long blonde, sort of Pamela Anson hair, wasn't it? Yes. I had long... You had that beehive, didn't you? I loved your beehive face.

I had the beehive face. Obviously, when I was a child, I had golden curls. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Didn't we all? Beautiful golden curls, which tumbled out of my head in every direction. And they could only really be controlled by a small sailor's hat,

which my parents would lovingly put them into in the full sailor's costume, obviously. Increasing the risks massively of you getting a deep pummeling from your brothers. Yes. Also kind of old naval people accusing you of stolen valour. Yeah. You earned that hat, son.

And the tiny little blue scarf. You earned that, too. But when I did... When I basically... There was a phase when I was starting to lose my hair when I was completely in denial about it, because I couldn't cope with it as a concept. And so in terms of that self-image thing,

at that point, I didn't want to look at photos of myself. And what I became particularly afraid of was in changing rooms in shops. You'd get... There's mirrors on all sides. As you can see, the true back, you can see the true back. Oh, yeah.

Because that was a terrifying portrait that I didn't want to see was true back. Oh, yeah. And I used to have it in the barbers when he held up the little mirror thing at the back. I'd have to pretend to be looking at it while not looking at it. Oh, no.

Yeah. So I kind of looked vaguely towards it, but a bit off. So you never looked... I wondered, because for years, you had that rat's tail at the back, didn't you? And I'd seen you know about it. Well, I kept...

He'd hold up the mirror and I'd look, but not look. And I'd go, yes, that's great, thanks. So presumably every year, the rat's tail just got slightly bigger, and he's going, no, he still assumes what to like of the rat's tail and the look. He would just add another bead every time he went. Just to keep adding the beads to the rat's tail

look that he likes. I don't know why. Is that okay, that voice? I've actually... I think I've got Italian with that voice, have I? But he was actually Greek, my barber. He was called Cosmo. Maybe he spent a lot of time in Sicily.

Maybe that's it. But no matter how many years passed, how many decades eventually passed, and new prime ministers came and went, the price remained 450. It was always 450 at the end. I think it might be because my hair was decreed, the amount of hair, my baldness was increased.

It was a perfect sliding scale with inflation. Exactly, yeah. I think so. So my hair, yeah, my haircut remained 450. It's obviously until the financial crash where obviously all these things had to get thrown out and reassessed. Basically, I was in denial.

I didn't want to know how bad it was, because once you've seen it, you can't unsee it, your baldness. But then one day I got into a lift, which was the worst place for me to be, was a lift with mirrors on both sides. I saw how bold I was infinitely. That's what infinite means.

And it was the most horrific, just horrifying experience. It was infinite bald Henry's forever. And I was like, yeah, this is happening now. I just have to accept what's going on. And did you get the clippers out straight away after that? And pretty much that day or the next day,

the clippers came out. Get it nice and close. Fine. If you let your hair grow out, Henry, the hair obviously not very much might grow out out of the very top, but you've got a good panel of side hair that you could get growing.

Thank you. Thanks, that's nice. What would you look like if you just let it go? The side panels. Well, think of any other kinds of panel. A panel of judges and a book of book awards. So imagine a panel of judges for the book of prize, right? You've got Kate A.D.

Salman Rushdie. Trevor McDonald. Trevor McDonald. Maya Angelou. Maya Angelou. So you've got them, right? Now, so that's a nice looking panel. You think, oh, I'm safe with that panel.

Good panel. Now imagine if someone beheaded all of them. Not such a great panel now, is it? So that's the trouble with paneling that doesn't reach the top, because that's what I've got. You've got hair all the way around the top and nothing on, also all the way around the sides and nothing on top. Yeah.

It really accentuates the fleshy, hammy quality of the top. This is the way to think about it, because again, a bit of it with Mike's moustache, right? What you do with your face and your head, but what you've got, you're creating optical illusions, aren't you? You're trying to control how you're seen, essentially. Right. And manipulate how you're seen.

So if you imagine, Ben, a slice, a round slice of Polish ham with salad around. You're making this easy. You're making this easy for me. I'm tailoring this event. Tailoring it to probably an image of something he's probably got right in front of him on the desk as we speak. Exactly.

With some salad around it, yeah? Okay. That's a nice way of presenting the ham, because there's the ham and the salad around it, and you can really, you can see that. There's some ham there in the middle, yeah? Bit of mustard. Maybe a bit of mustard, maybe a small jar of capers.

Pick a lily. For some tartness. Yeah, pick a lily. Now, and that's why people tend to, when they're ranging a platter of hams or something, they'll have some little bits of salad around the edges. It helps create distinction, difference, right? It helps you identify that salad, that's ham.

Now, imagine if you were in a room that was literally wall-papered with ham. So the floor's ham, the ceiling's ham, it's just a ham space. Yeah. How are you feeling? You feeling comfortable? I didn't think you are, are you? I feel vital. I feel okay.

Yeah, you feel alive. I feel alive. That's just the adrenaline coursing through your veins, because you think you might have to punch your way through a ham wall to save your own hide. Yeah, so your body's preparing you for the fight of your bloody life. If we can get Ben out of this and reproduce, we have done all right. That's what your knackers are thinking.

So essentially, same with my head. So that basically, if I had hair around the edges, that would be like the lettuce. It is, honestly, it's like the lettuce. And then you can very much see, oh, there's the ham, there's the bald bit on top, there's the fleshy bit. You can see it in opposition to the lettuce. So your current head situation is the room full of ham with ham wall.

Is that what you're saying? Well, my current situation is, if you take away the lettuce, right, all you've got. Is it even ham? Exactly. All you've got is ham. So what I'm saying is, okay, once that adrenaline rush has gone down, and if you're still stuck in that room, I would say after just a good week or two. You forget that they are made of ham.

Exactly. I didn't think you'd know what the difference between ham and non-ham. Do you know what I mean? You'd be living in a sort of ham reality. There'd be ham almost wouldn't exist. Ham would be the page on which... Ham is the neutral. Yeah, it's the page on which reality is drawn.

Is there any... Once we took you out of that room, it'd be a bit like, you know, when there's a sound in the background, you don't notice it till it turns off. Yeah. It'd be the same. Once we took you out of that room, you'd be like, oh, so I've been looking at ham for two weeks.

I didn't realise. It's a bit like that, but basically, by taking away the lettuce of the hair, essentially, if you've all you've got is baldness, there's nothing to compare it to. Yeah, I understand what you mean. So therefore, it's less noticeable. There's a long way of saying that.

And the pickles, but we can probably ignore the pickles. Are you ever tempted on a sunny day? If you're caught on a sunny day and you haven't got a hat with you, and you haven't got any sun cream, and you think, oh, now I'm going to burn my scalp, do you ever just drop into a deli and get a perfectly round piece of ham and put it on top? Nice cooling slice of breaded ham.

These are the little tricks of the trade, Ben, any of our bald listeners will know about. But yes, when you see a bald man going into a deli, especially on a hot day, and he appears to leave empty-handed, wait a minute, I'm sure I saw him pay for something. I'm sure I saw him ask for him, pay for some ham. Can't have just eaten the ham inside.

Can't have just eaten the ham. But then look again, it's very clear, there's ham on the top, and his eyes have been replaced by pork pies. He's got a new line of fat that appears to go over the top of his head. Where's that come from? Yes. And why is there a black bird sitting on his head pecking away?

Pecking away at it, because I'm pretty sure that wasn't on it when he came in. He wasn't being followed by a pack of wild dogs before. Yeah, that's one of the little tricks of the trade. Sometimes you'll get a bald man going, sometimes good bald men obviously do eat hams, or they'll buy a load of ham. And I'll say, and just one extra slice and a wink.

That's why it's called a pate, isn't it? That's why it's called a pate pate pate. Pate. Because you'll often use a pate layer to fit it on, to sort of cement it on, won't they? That's right. Because it's very hard to create a ham, which is flat, but at the same time, once you put it on your head,

in certain parts of Italy, the ham masters can make a flat ham, which can perfectly fit on your head. So it's got, they'll make a sort of concave, concave ham. It's a concave ham. It's got loops to fit around your ear. And sometimes they even come down with eye holes, and you can get the whole thing to fit over your head,

sort of a ham balaclava. But that's very, very skilled ham artistry. But you can get your whole head encrusted in pate. It's just expensive, isn't it? Just expensive. Emails? Emails, yes, please. Emails.

Furnish us with correspondence, please, Ben. No. Gentlemen. Big changes are afoot. Oh. Bad omens. Oh, no. Poor tents.

Things of that nature. Two emails to read out. Firstly, from Jen. This refers to an episode a few weeks ago. Dearest Beans. This is an email I've been scared to write. When I listened to the Flags episode, I was shocked to discover that my newborn son

appears to be the chosen one who will save us from spurbs. Oh, yes. The prophecy is true. No. He does not have onion-y breath. Oh. I can't remember exactly what we were talking about. Well, that's probably because she's not eating enough onions.

But anyway, carry on. How old is the child? New born. Okay, good, yep. But I believe the mark of spurbs, the trio of onions, is upon his forehead. Well, well. My baby was born on the 28th of July this year

with a roundish birthmark on either eyelid. And what I thought was a lightning bolt in the middle of his forehead. Unfortunately, we'd already named him Harry before putting two and two together. I assume after Harry Potter's lightning scar. I now realise they could actually be a brown onion, a red onion, and a spring onion in the middle.

Of course. I've attached a photo for verification. Wow. And I can attest that that is what's going on there. It's the two onions and the spring onion. The central spring onion, yes. Yeah. It's meeting all the criteria so far.

She says, I won't tell you where I currently live for fear that spurbs may do a herald on my son. But I thought I should let you know that the chosen one could well be in a bassinet in the antipodes. I don't know what a bassinet is. I don't know what a bassinet is.

It's like a little sort of cot thing, isn't it? A little sort of swingy, swingy, a rocking, like a rocking cot. Oh. I thought it was a giant mythical snake. That's a basilisk, I think. Oh, I see. It's important to get those straight

when you're buying baby stuff at the beginning. You know, when the infant is in a basilisk, then spurbs has already won. He's won, yeah. She writes, It's not a burden that I would wish upon him, but when I cannot ignore, I'll keep him safe for us.

Yours truly, Jen. So thank you, Jen. And to us, a child is born. Jen, let's hope she hasn't used her real name as well because she's got to stay off grid now. Certainly while Harry, let's again, let's hope that she's, that's a red herring undergoes his training.

Until he reaches adulthood and is ready to take on his, his duty and fate. Any advice I'd give her is if we, if she could try and introduce an element of, of sort of ninjitsu and stuff into his education from quite, quite an early stage now.

Well, it's like anything, the sunew stars. Exactly. Nunchucks, throwing stars. The ability to just sort of twist someone's head and go and scream, and you've killed them. Those will be useful skills.

Yeah. Along with the usual, you know, should be, should be handy with any sort of vehicle, be it air land or sea. Oh, so quite like Tom, Tom Cruisey type skills. Yeah. I think a combination of your sort of martial arts master plus your sort of Jason Bournesque.

Yes. If he can, yeah, driver a JCB off the roof of a collapsing skyscraper and have it land on a passing trawler. You might not need it. Yeah, may not need it. But, but when you need it, you need it. Yeah.

When he lands, he goes, and they said that there weren't enough people with HGV licenses. Yeah, I don't know. He needs to, what we're talking about, it's trailer ready, wisecracks. Yeah. Yeah, Bon Mott's.

He's also, he's going to be more of a public figure than these guys as well. Obviously, if he is going to save mankind, so he's going to have to get some oration skills. I'd sign him up, probably, maybe just a local amdram club. First of all, just get him comfortable in front of crowds or, you know, get him an orchestra,

get him learning the viola. One of the ones that no one's bothered about, so he can, you know, definitely get a place. What we really want is, by the age of 18 or 19, for him to be able to say, end friends with the shadows. In 17 different languages. Yeah.

And mean it in all 17 of them. You know, not just be saying it, because it's a cool thing, saying it because he is friends with the shadows. But don't let all this interfere with his, we don't want him to have a nice, normal child. Exactly. We don't want him to interfere with,

he should just be going and playing with Lego, and having, you know, play dates, and, you know, just be normal childhood. Yeah. Oddly speaking. And of course, the birthmarks will glow on the night of the full moon. Yes, when evil approaches.

Yeah. Yeah. It will glow. But I mean, it'll be a talk. Yeah, he'll be able to explain that to his friends. He'll be able to come up with something. Yeah, sure. Just say it's a Halloween thing.

Well, that is exciting. I mean, we have a wait. Sperms has got quite the head start, hasn't he? Yeah. In terms of what he might do to the world. Yeah. Sperms has been around since the beginning of time.

Yeah. You know, there wasn't every time when Sperms wasn't. That's true. Here. So. Yeah, from the darkness, from the chaos, came the earth. And that chaos was Sperms. So we have another remother that is on this very topic.

Oh. This is from Leslie. Beloved Beans, I am not including my precise location in this email as I fear for my family's safety. Allow me to explain why. Two months ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Oh.

I've been listening to your podcast in the early morning hours while feeding our son. During the mailbag section of the Flags episode, it was foretold that a child with an onion birthmark would come into the world. For the sacred purpose of finally defeating Sperms. When I heard this, I gasped, for you see, our son was born with an onion-shaped birthmark

on his forehead. Oh, my word. There's two. There can only be two. There can be only two, as the prophecy said. Only two. And you, my child, are the chosen one of the two. Yes.

Luckily, the other one is of a similar age, so you're probably the same school year, and you'll probably get on never on in common. Hopefully, there'll be other cultural references. See eye to eye on stuff. I mean, what we do know is one of them is probably in the Northern Hemisphere. One of them is in the Southern Hemisphere.

So maybe there's a double hemisphere kind of, you know, job shape, basically. Take this sword, my child, for only you may or another person may take this sword. Lend this to only one other person, please, specifically. It's possible that this actually is more his sword than yours, and that you may have a, there may be a dagger or a more of a curved sword.

It's your one. You'll work it out. You'll work it out. You'll have to work it on the job. On the job. You learn this, you pick it up as you go along. And I know the costume we've got you sets off their eyes more than yours.

I'm sorry we had to choose, and I know red isn't your colouring, but there are two of you. So we could, you know, it's very hard to find a neutral colour like that. Yeah, and also because there can only be one costume, I'm afraid, so you're going to have to work out a system between you

where maybe one of you... That's the prophecy foretold. There would be one. Save you would be largely in the buff. One. Or you could swap it, but during a fight, it's going to be hard.

I suggest one of you brings a towel or something to hold over yourself. Well, when if you're deploying one of you, they should have the costume, I think. Perhaps you could use the towels damp. You could also use it as a weapon. You just sort of spin it around, and you sort of wet it.

With it, well, because, you know, it's not slow the enemy down a little bit. It's not just about the killer blow. Sometimes it's about just giving the enemy a bit of a nip. Oh, ouch! Buy yourself some time. Buy yourself some time. Leslie writes,

To offer him up to his destiny, will tear my heart into pieces, as Cormac is the joy of my life. But childcare in America is prohibitively expensive. Every cloud. Every cloud. Then she writes, Yes, my husband pointed out that the birthmark you predicted

would herald the chosen one was in fact a three onion birthmark, which we've obviously... Well, it could be that this is... But we didn't say that they were side by side. They might be stacked one on top of the other. Exactly. They might be one behind each other. Well, it says here,

our son's birthmark is just one onion, so perhaps there are three children located throughout the world who may one day combine, like Captain Planet, to desperbs the earth. So maybe there are three. That's not about chat. Or these interpretations of the old runes. Although we've actually got three,

because we've got three onion birthmarks on the other baby, and one on this one, that makes four. But again, yeah, as you say, this is like... There'll be different factions now, probably will split off. Different people will choose one belief. There'll be different sects. There'll probably be a sect that just literally follows an onion

at one point. Some people will say that the birthmark is literally an slice of onion stuck to their face. Others will say it's more of a representation of an onion. And you'll get people that do start sticking pieces of onion into their face to try and pass themselves off as false prophets. Amazing stuff. If you are a listener who has just given birth yourself,

do check for the telltale onion birthmarks. Just in case we are dealing with, yeah, if there is a third. It may be there can only be... Seven or eight. Seven or eight, yeah. Maybe more than that. There can be only a baker's dozen. Give or take.

Thank you for those emails. And finally, we have our theme tune. Someone has made the theme tune for us. Oh, yeah, great. Amazing. So last time we had the one by the guy who was in a Depeche Mode tribute band. So now you can choose between...

There's two left. We haven't had any new ones in. So do someone in if you're interested. Rebecca or Huckleberry? Rebecca or Huckleberry? How are you feeling, Henry? I'm going to flick a coin. Henry, which one is tails, Henry?

There's only one way to decide. Okay. Heads, Huckleberry, tails, Rebecca. Heads, Heads, Huckleberry. Heads, Huckleberry, Huckleberry writes, My dearest beans, I have produced a glee slash vaults version of our favorite song, The Three Bean Salad Theme Tune. Great combo.

So thank you, Huckleberry. Thank you, Huckleberry. And that'll play us out. Thanks, Huckleberry. And thanks all. Cheers for an awful listening. See you next week. Bye.

Bye.