Three Bean Salad - Prizes

Episode Date: June 8, 2022

Phillip Kerrigan of Kerrigan’s Mustards gets the beans talking about prizes. They offer up a lesser known travel tip for the Philippines, an approach for undergraduate exam preparation and Ben finally shows his true colours (listener discretion advised - they ain’t a pretty shade).Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladGet in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

How was your weekend, Ben? Any interest? I do bleed hard. Do you look to bleed out? Yeah. It's true party. Well, I don't know if you saw on television, so Cliff Richard on the back of a open top bus, seeing hits from the 50s, you were driving that bus. I was inside Cliff Richard. You were driving Cliff Richard.

You were operating him. I was operating the Cliff Richard bus. Is he fully automated, he's fully like remote automated, but from inside himself now, is he? He's been a mannequin since the 70s, yeah. OK. That music video where he was roller skating, I can't remember what that was called, wide for sound, maybe?

Yeah, right. That era onwards, tragically accident with some roller blades. It also created the access point for the driver. Exactly, yeah. And once you're driving, when you're inside driving it, part of your job is to drive it, part of your job is to do the voice. Yeah. And then part of your job is to shore up the internal walls.

Have they got worms? What's the dry rot, wet rot? What are we dealing with? There's all kinds of rot. The joists have gone. Yeah, obviously. I've heard it's a kind of, it's like a kind of, it's like Papier Mache, a bit with ham.

So it's you're putting wafer, you get wafer-thin slices of ham. Hamier Mache. Yeah, exactly. It's Hamier Mache, is it? You dip them in a glue and water sort of solution. Well, you chew it up in your mouth first, then you, you put in a prick stick, leave that on your tongue until that completely melts into the ham, then you spit the ham back out onto the inside

walls of Cliff. Because he's, so he's, but what's happening is he's, he's simultaneously expanding, isn't he, therefore, but also deteriorating from the inside. So it's about maintaining a sort of equilibrium whereby he can still- Well, I think that's obvious for anyone to see. Anyone who's, who's looked at Cliff recently can tell you that he's deteriorating.

But, but if you- He's sort of altering, taking, I mean, he is his own event horizon, isn't it, at the old- Which is why it's very hard for him to stay in the same clothes, isn't it? Because he's got to fit his own clothes at all times. And it's very hard with a degree of- What happens now is people don't realise how big he is, because

when every scene in public, the people around him also are made to be bigger. So the open-top bus he was on- It was to scale. During the parade is actually absolutely massive. Well, they widened the mould, didn't they? I remember seeing them when they were widening the mould. I wasn't quite sure why they were doing that, but that makes sense now. And they had to slightly inflate the queen as well, just to give her that slightly bigger-

They had to push Buckingham Palace a bit further down the mould as well, so that all the perspective works. And they had to, they obviously had to winch up for any long shots. They had to winch up. Freddie Star. To winch up. Freddie Star onto a winch. Just to kick, just for scale.

All the, all the, all the pigeons have to be slightly inflated, which is a huge job. And all that has to, each of those pigeons, all that has to be overseen by the RSPCA, obviously every, every pigeon nozzle has to be checked before and after. But it's providing a bit of work, you know, for the local economy. So that's something, isn't it? Well, that's the thing, isn't it? And the number of camping pumps that have to be bought from millers

have kept that business going for years now. That's right. The major challenge with, you know, I had to do my shift inside Cliff. Obviously, you're looking through the eye holes. Yeah. And the major challenge these days is, is to make your eyes look dead enough. That's right. When you're so busy, when you're alive to the occasion.

Yeah, exactly. It's quite a performance skill. Well, I think you did a fantastic job. Because if you, if your eyes look too alive, you get that, it's, it's what's called an eerie effect, isn't it? Which is a bit like, if you sometimes look at a spaniel and you, you sometimes become very aware of the fact that it looks like it's got human eyes. Because dogs do have basically human eyes.

Yeah. That's where dogs come from, isn't it? A human eye falls out somewhere, rolls into some fertile soil, and eventually it starts developing. It functions as a, as a cutting. That's right. And from which it's quite a lot of nature's absolute miracles into what? The soil type determines the breed.

Yeah. And it's all, it's all just bacterial reproduction, isn't it? Everything. Yeah. And microbes, just very, very complex microbes. There's some hexagonal. Fulcrums. Yeah, there's quite a few of those.

And so, but yeah, if your eyes, if your eyes are too sparkly inside the Cliff Richard suit, it will seem to an outsider that the effect you get, the eerie effect sometimes, if you look at a spaniel for too long. And you think that a child is looking at it from the spaniel. And you have to, have you seen the children? Just, oh, thank God, I thought one of them had got inside the spaniel. And obviously it's difficult because as we've established the Cliff Richard suit or vehicle, which is what he is now, is a...

Well, sort of avatar, meat avatar. It's a one-to-one, it's a one-to-one, non-remote meat avatar, isn't it? So obviously, because that's getting bigger, Ben, you obviously have stayed the same size. So you have to be shoved right up in the head zone to look out through the eyes, which means it must be hard now to remotely control the limbs. Are you holding snooker cues or how does that work? Yeah, golf clubs actually. At the moment.

At the moment, it's one wood. It was cricket bats for a while. La Crosse. You must remember the chopstick days fondly, surely? Well, that was great for fine detail, wasn't it? But he's gone a bit past fine detailed operation now, isn't it? It's gross movement. Yes, it's a very blunt instrument.

It's big picture stuff, isn't it, with Cliff now? Well, that's why they had to have so many people on the top of that bus as well, to stand him up, really. They were sort of human struts. Essentially, yeah. And also, they're passing food to me through the arseholes, so I can keep going. It's quite heavy work. I wonder whether, obviously, any listener based in the UK will know who Cliff Richard is.

I feel like he's the kind of person that probably nobody knows outside of Britain, potentially. What is his level of intellectual fame? He could be a huge in Panama or something. Or illegal. Or illegal. He could go one of either way. I suspect, because he developed quite an American Elvis-y sort of.

Yeah, the idea, I think, was that he was the British Elvis, I think, as Harry was. They already, of course, they had an American Elvis, didn't they? Yeah, he was, so they won. He was really, really good. A need. Yeah, really good at it. A need of the British version. Yeah, he's kind of like, he's been around for so long, it's just, he's had a number one

single in each of the last nine decades or something, hasn't he? He's just, he's always been there. He's one of those people who is absolutely massive, potentially, even though you don't really know how or why. Because his fans are dying off at a rate of knots, and yet, and yet, and yet they're stronger than ever. Well, many of those fans are being internally hamstuffed, and kept going. So it's not like a fan-testing of the herd, it's that they are also being ham-enhanced.

Most of the people at a Cliff Richard concert are actually people of my age operating meat suits. Yeah, yeah. So that includes Cliff, the band, and the crowd. Yeah. And you have to, you get to a point where you begin to wonder, who is this for? Well, I heard for the Queen. I think, Ben, there will come a point then, won't there, where you'll be at a Cliff Richard gig.

You'll be like three quarters of the way through. You'll be, you'll be doing summer holiday, and you'll be absolutely, you'll be knackered, you'll be hot, and everyone in the audience will be knackered and bored like you are. And there might just come a moment where you all make eye contact. All through your eye suits, through your eye holes. Yeah. Of your, of your sort of pension or exteriors. And go, we could just, hang on, could we just, are any of us actually who we are?

And unscrew your helmets, and just get out of those suits. And be like, guys, let's all go and watch the new series of Borgon together. Let's turn this into a Borgon night. Yeah. Yeah, you'd never get away with it. Or it would be covered up, something like that. The establishment couldn't allow that. No, I think, I think Henry, the first, the first person to unscrew their pension ahead

and pop their real head out, the whole room begins to fill with hot liquid, and the doors are locked. Yeah. Yeah. Or they're getting, they're getting takeaway and pastrami'd immediately and stuffed into the next suit. So that was my weekend. So it was, I guess the adjectives I would use would be sweaty. Yeah. But also.

Patriotic. But patriotic, exactly. Well, my experience of the Jubilee was, it was on Sunday. The weather was, I think, sometimes Britain managed to come up with like the worst, just the worst weather, just new kinds of bad in weather. It was gray, sort of moist. It was somehow unpleasantly cold and warm at the same time. It was just, it was just the grayest, most sort of miserable British weather.

I went to a really sodden, well, there was a street party that I took one look at, and I thought, if I go in there, I'm going to suffer, I'm going to suffer a very, very quick mental breakdown. I don't know, I just, I can't go in there. Yeah, my local. So grim. The housing estate I've been living on had its little party, and we had to sort of look at it from afar, and it was mainly, they've got a bouncy castle up for the kids,

but it was raining, so just loads of kids like stacking it on a bouncy castle. Just ankles popping, you could hear the ankles popping. Whiplash, party. Whiplash. Yeah. Well, we looked at one, we were like, can we go in there? I don't know, we don't know any of the people, but what if they ask us things? Oh, God.

It was a classic sort of repressed British and also London, unfriendly. I just like, I don't know how to talk to people, I don't know what's going on. I just, I like, I do my things my own way, and I've got decent Wi-Fi, and I don't know, why am I here, what's happening? Also, it was, they'd sectioned off their bit of the road for the street party using wheelie bins. Did you think, did you find that distasteful? They made a kind of bin arena. They created a bin arena.

Please tell me, at least they used the recycling ones. And it was a mixture. Not the grubby landfill ones. It was a mixture of recycling landfill ones, and it kind of looked a bit like there was a street party, and it also looked a bit like Britain had descended into civil war, potentially. Street on street. Street on street sectarianism. Take to the bin barricade.

And I wasn't sure if those were actually, if that was a barbecue they were preparing, or just, or hot spears. So yeah, we didn't go there. We went to a slightly bigger street party then. Yeah, ate a decent burger, sat on a wall for a bit. Hang on, you eschewed the smaller one for the larger one. Yeah, we then found one that was a bit better, basically, which we felt. There was enough people there.

But it wasn't your street, it was just a bigger street. We went to a different street. Is that allowed? No, you meant to meet your neighbors and celebrate with your neighbors. No, so we went to the street party where we felt we could be anonymous. There was enough people there that you didn't have to talk to anyone. And it felt a bit like being on a crowded tube train, or walking through crowded Oxford street, or something, so it felt familiar to us.

But with a barbecue? With a barbecue. Someone else's barbecue that you nick a burger from. Yeah, how did you get a burger without speaking to anyway? What? Maybe it wasn't a street party. I think it was an event. It was a jubilee event.

Were you in a McDonald's? Was it indoors? There was a guy called Prince Charles who seemed very arrogant. He's taken over a franchise. I don't know exactly what it was, but I had a latte. A latte? A latte. Yeah.

What a street party. A street party spirit. It's all... This is... You're supposed to be drinking weak lager. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah, a latte.

And then... This is treasonous stuff. I ate a cupcake with a picture of a corgi on it. That's something. Okay. Let me close it back a little bit. Which corgi? Uh-oh.

Susan? Okay. Susan was the first one she got, apparently. Well, it's true. Her first corgi was called Susan. There's a huge family tree of corgi she's had since then. You can see it online. They've all descended from Susan.

Well, then later on I went to a Thai restaurant where I ordered jasmine tea in the exit and they gave me English breakfast. So... Sounds like quite a difficult day. It was quite a difficult day also. Well, I didn't know what to say. I thought, is this dark jasmine?

I wasn't sure what to do with it. Dark milky jasmine tea. Is this dark milky sugary jasmine? I didn't want to make a fool of myself. Do you think they were serving it to you as a kind of jubilee celebration? It could have been. And they also, instead of bringing you

the Pad Krapaui you'd ordered, what you were fulling with breakfast? I could wonder about that. And a tower of melt-and-mote brick old fire. And a hot gravy boat full of steaming Branson Pickle. I'm not a big royalist, but at the same time, I sort of don't mind people who are, it's kind of one of the floats you know.

I mean, the fact is, the fact is we need them. And they, yeah, I totally agree then. The fact is, you know, think what you like. We need them. It doesn't matter, does it? They're the backbone of this country and we know without them we're nothing. And exactly, yeah.

It doesn't matter where you sit on the spectrum. You know, that's, isn't it? Yeah. And you know, those medals, they earn those. You know what I mean? You don't get those kinds of medals just standing around on balconies, opening the odd supermarket and banging on

about sort of greenish shoes occasionally, do you? Yeah. So carry on, yeah? So I turned on the BBC to watch a bit of the jubilee concert that was happening outside Buckingham Palace. And I watched it for about 90 seconds. And there was someone singing Phantom of the Opera. Yeah.

And I would just, I couldn't help but think, why does the Phantom of the Opera have such a cultural stranglehold on Britain? What is it about that musical that, how is that still a thing? That's a good, that is a good question. Well, again, Ben, again, Ben, I'd have to say, I agree with you that, you know,

it will be because it is the greatest story ever told. And that we need it. That we need it now, now perhaps more than ever. So to that extent, yeah, we're on the same page. Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean. Well, I think the story of a deformed French, a facially deformed Frenchman living in the sewers. Opera enthusiasts.

Opera enthusiasts, owner of his own big piano and a lot of candles. And a small boat. A small boat. Like a punt, yeah. Small, small punt. Sort of gondolin. Who has needs, like anybody else.

Has needs, falls in love with a, another... Sarah Brightman. Falls in love with a Sarah Brightman. Obviously originally played by Sarah Brightman herself, I believe. The thing about Phantom of the Opera is, obviously, it pulls off the trick of making the sewers. Feel mysterious and romantic.

Because no one ever mentions the thousands of turds. There's a lot of songs that didn't make it in, yeah. I think there was a lot of arguments between Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber with Tim Rice was going, we've got to mention the turds, Andrew. It's literally a sewer. It's just turds. You haven't answered my letters about my song.

Why can't we just go to a pret? There's a rat on the turd on my G&T. The shit. The shit. The shit on my face. The shit on my face again. Oh, yes, the shit. Kiss the shit off my face.

Kiss the shit off my face. Well, that's the odds are stacked against him. I mean, that's why it's such a powerful lost story. Because the odds really are stacked against. That's the true test of love as well. Yeah. You know, if you, if you haven't, wooed a lover on a shit-stained gondola.

Yeah. In an active sewer. Then you don't really know. Okay. This week's topic as sent in by Philip Kerrigan. Hello, Philip. As in Kerrigan's mustard. Is there such a thing? No, but it just sounds like it was a...

Have you tried Kerrigan's mustard though? Well, Philip, if you're, you know, you might have a very busy and successful career, but if you're still working out what you're trying to do in life. You've essentially got a pre-sold franchise ready to go. Like the marketing is done ahead of time in the mind of Henry Packer. Probably many others.

Your name has what is known as Condiment Trust Factor. What's on the logo for the Kerrigan's mustard, Henry? It's a monocle. Okay. Being worn by either, they take your pig. It's got to be a pig, right? Pig in his top hat? A pig, a squid.

Pig on a pyre. A pig on a pyre. Any, any sort of posh, sort of snooty looking animal of the field. Okay. Did you say squid before? Squid with a snooker cube. Yeah. Anything like that will fly with it. But a Kerrigan's mustard, it's just,

it feels, the same about the amount of syllables in there, the amount of Rs. It's just got that, that Condiment Trust Factor, isn't it? Henry, can you give me a bit of advert voice for Kerrigan's mustard? Well, that's the thing. This is, it's really my voiceover experience here coming into its own. Yeah. I mean, I think I've done three voiceovers, but it's...

Yeah. Best, best, best part of three. The best part of three. The best part of three. Knockin' on the door of three. Henry, you're looking at a man who has a voiceover agent, but has never been paid for a voiceover. Thank you.

So, but you're still paying them 15% though? How much is it costing you? Plus that. Plus that, that's draining you then. I'm putting that on zero, turns out to be quite a lot of money for some reason. It's because of the way they calculate it, isn't it? Yeah.

Because you can't have base, you can't have base fat zero, so they have to go from... Has to go to infinite. It has to go to infinite. Has to go the other way. It's a quirk, it's a quirk of the tax, of the tax system. It's absolutely screwing me. It's because you can't write two numbers on the same digital space,

can you, in a calculator? Yeah. To do with the fact that they have to be next to each other, which on the positive side means you can write boobs as a school child, but the negative side means that... I have to spend £8,008 every time I don't get a voice over job. The next 24 generations of your family will be paying off the debt from your voice over contract.

Just be grateful it's only £8,008, because it all depends on the width of the calculator of your own. It should be £80,085 for the four boobs. But that depends on the width of the calculator of your accountant. If you had a wider calculator, we could be in the millions of billions, the trillions, the zillions. Boobs! So, you know, can't get yourself lucky.

Yeah. I would just like to be clear that my lack of voice over work is not down to my agents who are hardworking and great. It's entirely my fault. Yeah, but so, for my sausages, I choose Kerrigan. Take two. That's okay, Henry. I'm just filled, yeah, we're good, just feeling out.

Can we get you a glass of water or anything? This is my nap. Yeah, I'm actually quite hydrated, so this is fine, thanks. And can you bring a bit more kind of old world charm to the voice somehow? Okay, yeah, I was doing that. But yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, I wonder whether for the advert, it should begin with a child offering a sausage.

It might complete the child, cycles into shot, runs up to the camera, offers a sausage to Henry, and then we run the lines. Easy sausage, mister. Thank you, son. And with my sausages, I prefer Kerrigan's Mustard. It's Kerrigan's time. It's Kerrigan's time.

Bring me the Kerrigans. Bring me the Kerrigans. It's Kerrigan's time. Yeah, we're getting a note from the client, actually, Henry. I'm trying to make it sound a bit more powdery, as it's made from... Okay, yeah, I was going... To get a bit more powdery.

Oh, so is it a whole grain? Because that wasn't clear on the brief. It's not a whole grain, but it is from a reconstituted powder. So if we... Okay. Yeah, we'll... Okay, yeah. Because we also have the powder as well.

Okay, that's... Okay, yeah, I can do that. I've got your wiener for you. Thanks, son. And when I'm on the go, the mustard that I choose is Kerrigan's mustard. It's noble. It's great value.

It's tart. And it fits in your pockets. It's Kerrigan's time. It's Kerrigan's time. Yeah, thanks, Henry. We've actually got Helen Mirrens just waiting. She's going to give it a go as well. So that'll probably do for us for today.

Yeah, great. Great stuff. So I look forward to hearing you. Yeah. But, yeah, don't... Just keep an eye out on... What, channel? Yeah.

If you could just take your tissues with you. As well, please. Right. And, yeah, those little special shells, if you could take those out. I'll clean up the bananas. Clean up the banana stuff? If you wouldn't mind.

I'll clean up the banana stuff. Now, because you will not record a voice over without a banoffee, will you? Take one spoonful of Kerrigan's mustard powder and add simply three cups of your favourite mustard. Mix it up and you've got Kerrigan's mustard. We're not recording anymore, actually. Okay, sorry.

I was just improvising. It did say... It did say you might be able to improv, but that's fine. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, yeah. Well, Philip, that's all there for you.

So, you know, we're willing to give you that brand. We're willing to do the voice over. Yeah. All for free. And we could be brand ambassadors. I'm quite happy to walk around Exeter with bits of mustard down my chin. And on the front of my clothes, for example.

So, kind of like live influencing, really. Exactly. Yeah. Now introducing Kerrigan's mayonnaise. I think that could work as well. But I think that's kind of mission creep, which actually brings the company down. Overall, going up against the mayonnaise

is around there right now. Yeah. You have to be crazy. And the amount of money you have to spend on a mayonnaise loom to get that stuff going. The degree of brand sort of power that Hellman's has in that segment. Kerrigan's salad cream, maybe.

Mayonnaise, forget it. Yeah. Good point. Yeah. But yeah. Mayonnaise is an absolute mist up for you there, Philip. So, don't listen to Henry's business advice, certainly. But as a voice over, he's giving you the goods.

And what has Philip suggested for us? What has he put into the bean machine? So, this week's topic, ascented by Philip Kerrigan of Kerrigan's Mustard, is prizes. Prizes. Win, win, win. Snake eyes. I'm feeling lucky tonight.

Have any of you ever won a prize? I'm just going to check my trophy cabinet. It's still empty, yeah. That's a genuine struggle. Yeah. I won a few prizes. Oh, here we go. I've got a feeling.

I, you know, something, I've got this creeping feeling that Ben has fabricated. He's a Nobel laureate. Yeah. And he's fabricated this entire topic on purpose so that he can crowbar in his prizes. There's no such thing as Philip Kerrigan. It's not a name, is it? As if someone called Philip Kerrigan could exist,

someone who's so clearly based on a mustard, some mustard packaging. Show us your mustards now. Show us your mustards. It's like that moment in the end of usual suspects, isn't it? Ben's in a room just full of... Ben's sitting, staring at shelves full of mustards. So what it was was, when I was a teenager, my friend who lived down the road worked out that there was a Radio 5 Live Kids quiz on a Saturday morning

as part of the Dominic Diamond BBC Radio 5 Saturday morning show. The heyday. The heyday, absolutely. Which was kind of like a pre-football show. So it was four people going to the football matches. Yeah. So I wasn't a listener, but he was a big football boy. So he would listen.

And he worked out that no one was calling in. So he... How did they fudge that? Well, he won it every week. Because he would ring up and no one else was ringing up nationwide. Was he changing his name each time? Or was he... No, I think they were just like,

why, we've got this kid and we've got someone else. It was Gavin again. Exactly. So he was basically winning every week. And his parents are getting just fridge freezers delivered every single week to the front door. So he... That's how Curry started.

Of course, it's Kevin Curry. It's Kevin Curry. So what was he winning? Well, I can't remember what he was winning, but he let me in on the ruse. So then I started ringing up. And I got on it twice and I won both times. So I won a leather-bound 50th anniversary edition of The Hobbit.

Lovely. Which was stolen by the postman. So all I got was a... What? A vanilla envelope in the post. What? So I never got the hang of it. I even got a touch of it even.

Which was a real kick in the nads. And then I also won... The second one I won, I remember very vividly because it was like a quiz and it came... It was me versus some girl somewhere in Britain. And it came down to a tiebreaker. And the question was,

what's the combined height of Gary and Phil Neville? And it was in meters, how tall are the both of them? So you'd guess what? Two point... Two of them. Three point five. In meters? Yeah.

What were you... What was your unit? No, I was... You were Leagues. Leagues. Fathoms. Now, I was thinking meters, but I've got no idea how you do it in meters.

I know that... Are you still an Imperial? Americans go, he was about five, nine, three and four hundred and seventy pounds. It's pretty strange looking, isn't that, I think? You never know what they mean. Because I reckon they're about six foot each, that's 12 foot, how many meters, how many feet in a meter?

Two and a half? No, three probably. Put it this way, Henry wouldn't have won the Nintendo 64. Yeah. I'd say about 18. It's all about you just got to react. I'd say about 18.

This is a tiebreaker, Henry. Okay, yeah. It's been and gone. It's moved on to the next program. I've screwed up. Anyway, the girl went first. She said that she thought that combined, there would be 22 meters tall.

Wow. That's the kind of thing that happens in high-priced situations, isn't it? People do say things like that. And she's a child, right? She's a child. Forgivable. But I was also a child.

And I, in a very smug bastard fashion, said 21 meters. Oh, you absolute monster. You fucking pig. It's the mark of a psychopath, isn't it? You monster. That is evil. You know, she won the hearts and minds of the nation, and you were hated across the radio five listenership.

Everybody hated that. Everyone was going, Look, twerp. That fucking, there were hundreds of car crashes around the country. He can't have done that. Don't you ever pig. You heard what that little boy did on the radio?

Don't you ever do it? If I hear it, you do anything like that. I'm landing the plane. I'm landing the plane. We're just left stands on. I don't care. I'm landing the fucking plane. Did you hear?

If you ever get asked that, you should try and guess the combined height of Gary and Phil Neville. Otherwise, what matters fundamentally? That attitude, Ben, is... Yes, is a killer winner attitude like a shark who wants the Nintendo 64 with Michael Owen's World League Soccer as the game. Can I tell you what that attitude is, Ben?

That attitude is the same attitude as a friend of mine. I'm not going to name him, but as friend of mine... Is it Benjamin Partridge? Let's call him Benjamin. Okay. No, that reminds me of a friend of mine from university. Let's call him Pat. Right.

Pat. Okay, how many A's? Okay. Okay. Listeners, if you wouldn't mind also trying to pixelate that sound as well at the same time. Just to be on the safe side. He had a friend at university who he did two bad things.

One is, he thought that basically a month before our final exams, what we really needed to get our work sort of balanced, to get our kind to get things in perspective, to give ourselves the mental rest so we could properly do our work was to buy the new PlayStation. I went with him to the shop. I didn't know that I was embarked at that point. I was early on in my life career of procrastination and, you know,

of a lifetime of that kind of thing. But we thought, yes, because no one would think of this, but if we get a PlayStation now, no one else is going to think of this. We'll be able to relax so hard in between work sessions. That our work capacity is going to be off the charts. It's going to be off the charts. I mean, we might be looking at having faculties named after us

within a year of graduating. We might be faculty. We might be on faculties. Yeah, get ready for that. So we went together. It was such a fucking buzz. We went down to the shopping centre together. We bought PlayStation.

What games are you talking about? We bought two games. The one which I think had the most negative impact on my final mark was Apes Odyssey, which was a highly complicated sort of world game. I remember that, yeah. It was brilliant. It was very, very clever.

You had to solve lots of problems. Very, very difficult, very frustrating. Quite mentally exhausting. Utterly mentally exhausting. It left you nothing in the can. Absolutely nothing. Not only that, it was, you know, they already had, they were brilliant algorithmically

or whatever, sort of calculating how to addict the human brain. By the way, you get nearly to the end of a level. There's a giant spider. You try and kill it. You can't quite kill it. You're back to the beginning again. You've got six levels. You have to finish that tonight.

You have to go again. You can't let the giant spider triumph. And also in a kind of extended metaphor, the giant spider is your dissertation. Exactly. And in an even wider sense, the end of the boss level was probably my life. Which is just being pounded.

Just being heavily, heavily pounded by a massive sort of evil. And I think they were portrayed as sort of capitalist, sort of alien lizards who you were fighting against. Who these big fat cats own the factory. In a way, that was my financial future. And sure enough, yeah, I lost on all fronts. I didn't finish Abes Odyssey.

And you couldn't sort of, you couldn't submit your score in Abes Odyssey to the university for them to take into consideration? No, that wasn't allowed. Yeah, none of the skills were transferable into essays about sort of Chaucer. And also that my contention in the night, at the end of the night's tale,

the night jumps up and down on top of the head of a medieval armor-wearing toad. Until it explodes, it's not to be true. But I was playing it so much, I stopped closing my eyes and seeing the game. Oh, God. Completely addicted to Abes Odyssey, that was one thing. But the other thing was,

the other game he got was a game called Three Lions. Right. Which was a football game. Again, it showed quite a lack of... Another mistake in there was that we really backed the wrong horse in terms of what was going to be a long-term big computer football game. Because it was obviously FIFA and Pro Evo fought it out for a bit, but Three Lions was...

Well, Michael Owen wordly soccer, similarly, fell by the wayside, I think. Yeah. Even the skills I learned at Three Lions turned out not even to be transferable onto future football games. But, Ben, what the point I'm trying to make is, what you were doing with that guy was a bit like what my friend Pat used to do with Three Lions, which is he would score...

If you're playing against him, because we were playing against each other, what he would do is he'd get ahead, he'd score a goal, and he'd then take the ball to the corner flag for the entire rest of the game. And you couldn't get it off him and he'd beat you. Oh. So he just rode out the clock, basically.

He rode out the clock in a completely Pyrrhic victory. Well, no. A Pyrrhic victory or just a victory? Well, I mean, that's all about the mindset, isn't it? Yeah. I mean, certainly... Henry would do that as Pyrrhic in terms of Pat's reputation is in taxes. That's what's on fire.

But as yours was, in front of the whole nation... Yeah, Benjamin. But Pat did get to see his computer characters holding a digi cup in the air, the Three Lions cup. Yeah. And I literally got a Nintendo. It's fascinating that the post he went for the leather clad volume of the Hobbit. I know.

Not for the SNES. I wonder if this podcast will ever reach the ears of that leather clad thief. Oh, yeah. Yes. If it was you, I hope you've got a persistent rash. 21 meters. Brutal. Because you could have actually had a go at it, and you probably still would have probably won,

but you had to sort of let her know that, let the world know. Yeah. You would do exactly what it takes. If that girl is out there listening, can't remember your name, can't remember where you're from. I think she was a bit younger than me. Sucks to be you. Oh, golly.

Oh, shocking stuff. Shocking stuff. Poor listeners having to listen to this. The veneer is finally cracked on sweet Benjamin. I mean, Ben, if the world was run according to that logic of what you did there, you know, it would be awful, wouldn't it? The world would be an awful place if everyone used your 21 sort of logic. If everyone starts turning up to your 21 meters life coaching sessions,

learn to win at life, the smug way. Why do the maximum when you can do the minimum piss off a lot of people, but still end up with a PlayStation? This is my story. I'm Bonderman. Yeah, it doesn't matter if everyone thinks you're a dick if you've got a PlayStation. That was basically my thinking. Hi, I'm Bonderman.

As you can see, this is my PlayStation. You know, on those YouTube videos, you always get a guy taking you around this massive house, which really looks like they've hired it for like 10 minutes. Right. He's like, hi, there'll be a guy who's about 14. And we go, hi, do you want to know how I live in a house like this? And you look behind him, there's a huge mansion. There'll be like 10 Ferraris and they'll go, this is my lounge.

And this is my mum. This is my whatever. But for you, it'd just be you with the PlayStation going, hi, I'm Bonderman. This is my PlayStation. As you can see, it has two control pads. And one game. And one game.

But don't let's leave it there. Come with me while I take you around the back. Here's where my, here's the little place I was going to put my leather bone copy of the Hobbit. That didn't work out for me, but I deal with that in Chapter 4, which is the leatherbound Hobbit problem. How to deal with it. Enjoy the fact that it's better to have a PlayStation that's basically than a classic novel.

Than a classic novel. Well, I bounce back from not getting the Hobbit, basically, and got on Nintendo. So yeah, I think that's why I learned is that... You can get through the dark times if you hold fast to being a dick and not minding the whole nation hating you. The show was presented by Dominic Diamond, who I don't know if you remember, he was most famous for being the presenter of Games Master. My favorite thing about Dominic Diamond is he did a TV show a few years ago where

he found out that in the Philippines, they do a thing where people get crucified on Easter Sunday. Oh yeah, I know about that. I don't know about this. Yeah, so in the Philippines, there's these people who affirm their faith by actually getting crucified. Yeah, and they get carried in a procession. I'm hoping with ropes or nails. No, they nail them off. No, they do the full.

Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what? And basically, there was a pro-1 Channel 5 called something like Dominic Diamond, My Crucifixion, where Dominic Diamond decided to try and reconnect with his lapsed Catholic faith by being crucified in the Philippines. I was absolutely on board for this, so I sat down to watch it. It doesn't get more of a wake-up call in terms of at least looking into other agents.

Hear me out, Dominic. Well, for me, I didn't know. They're not going to be rusty. Who's anything about rust, Dominic? You're overreacting. These are going to be good nails that we're talking. Robert Dyer's level. I know the hotel's only three-star, but it does have a very good pool, probably.

And they've got this amazing buffet. It's all you can eat buffet every Friday evening. They're only going to be there for a couple of days anyway. Probably won't be on a Friday, but it's a good place. It's clean. It's got AC. Anyway, the TV show began. He's psyching himself up.

He's on the plane to the Philippines. He gets there, and then basically, he's not the first. It happens for a few days. The first ones are getting crucified first. And he watches some guys get nails different through their hands, and then just goes, No. Absolutely brilliant television. Oh, wow.

And Channel 5 still showed the whole thing, despite the fact that I just ended with him getting on a plane and getting there. With fully, absolutely, utterly intact, beautiful wrists. Not many people need that for that realisation, do they? But I guess some people do. Yeah, I could have made that leap in my head, I think. Okay, time to read your emails. You can email us at 3beancellardpod.gmail.com

And some of you have. Nice. Our first email's from Dean. Hello, Dean. Kia Ora from Wellington, New Zealand. I listened to your podcast while cooking dinner, as I thought at first glance that this would be a cookery podcast. Unfortunately, this culinary situation often coincides with my partner's bath time

on the other side of the wall. Okay. So, hang on, Dean is cooking food. He's cooking, I assume, in a kitchen. And his partner's having a bath. What we've assumed in a prison canteen is what I'm getting from this. Does feel like that, doesn't it? And it's bath time for the inmates.

Yep. So, my partner prefers a quiet, peaceful bath experience in which he can listen to the lolling stream outside the bathroom window. Fair enough. Not many people go for a frantic bath, do they? Yes. I like a really pacy kind of... Ah!

You come out of it feeling, God, I'm alive! Jesus! Ah! The bloodshot eyes. Oh, God! Christ, that was stressful! But damn it, I'm here! Really juiced up to the gills.

Tell you what, if I can get through that, I can get through anything. Come on, life! Let's do this! I've bathed! Quite a strange... I saw a lot of images we're having to take on board here. So, firstly... It's a rich email, isn't it?

So, Dean is... Dean's cooking a meal. Dean's partner is in the bath, which is obviously a static body of liquid. Outside the bath room... There's a babbling brook. There's a babbling brook, okay. Which is lovely, I think it's a lovely image. It is nice.

So, I can understand why the partner doesn't want to hear three British men. Oh, I see, that was... Oh, that's what's... Okay, yep. It's ruining her bath time, basically. We're not as good as a babbling brook, yeah. No. May you please keep this in mind for future episodes and endeavour to provide an experience

that accommodates both to those requiring monotone banter. And those requiring a serene bath time experience. Very well. Is that helpful? Hang on here. Relax. That was grotesque. What's that?

I'm trying to create a babbling brook sound. She's already got a babbling brook. That's covered. I'm not going to do a better babbling brook than nature's babbling brook. I thought that we were quite relaxing to people, I thought. We have always been told that. We have always been sleep-aid, aren't we, by some. But maybe those people...

Who knows where... These people might be living in under flight paths and next to dual carriageways and... In throbbing urban centres, they might not be in a luffy suburb of Wellington, which I've not been to, but I think it's supposed to be quite a pleasant city. With lovely brooks. With brooks babbling their way into the bay. Well, thank you, Dean. We will endeavour to try and encapsulate both those feelings somehow next week.

Yeah. Or if not, when Henry gets sick of these earphones that he's got at the moment, maybe he'll send them to you and you can use them instead. Oh, that was a bit catty, Mike. It did sound catty. It was meant to be catty. Maybe if you get some headphones, you fucking idiot. Yeah, that was...

Have you heard of headphones? Dean, um... Sorry, Dean, I'm aware that did come out catty. That wasn't meant as catty. Caitlin Buckley emails. Hi, Beans. Hello. I'm sure lots of people will send you this rhyme,

but hopefully I'm the only person sending a recording of my six-year-old daughter reciting it. Hmm. Beans' summary of the rules for bears was right, but this rhyme is easier to remember. If it's brown lie down, if it's black, fade back, if it's white, say good night. That's excellent. That's brilliant. See, you were right. Basically, yeah.

If it's brown lie down, play dead, if it's black, fight back. If it's white, say good night, as in it's curtains, right? So, thank you to Caitlin Buckley for that and a six-year-old. That's brilliant. And hearing that sinister last chunk of it, you know, the last bit from the words... From the mouth of babes. From the mouth of a babe is as unnervingly sweet as it will be as you are, you know, just orally diced in julienne by a polar bear.

She was right. She was right. Caitlin Buckley's six-year-old daughter was right. As you notice, the cute little polar bear cub, because they're so sweet, and they always go around the parent and the cub, they're wonderful miles, and you've been thinking, oh, that is so cuddly and cute and devastating to my physical integrity. Elizabeth Emails, while listening to your Bears episode, I was reminded of my own personal encounter with a black bear.

Fight back. Well, let's see. The statement, if you encounter a black bear, you should fight it, is actually kind of true. Obviously, you shouldn't really engage in a fight, but just act like you might. That is, unless the black bear you were trying to intimidate has already had too many experiences of the humans expressing false aggression and can now call your bluff. Oh my God, how do you know that? Unfortunately, this happens to describe the black bear that I encountered.

I know this sounds very ominous, but it's really not. Let me explain. I was hiking in the Great Smoky Mountains with my ex, and we were setting up camp for the night. There was another hiker that was setting up camp about 40 feet away from us. He had a jumbo-sized jar of peanut butter that he was eating from, and when he decided to head over to our camp to chat, he'd left the jar of peanut butter sitting on a stump at his camp. I thought he was going to be the bear.

I thought that as well. Along comes the old black bear looking for a treat. And wouldn't you know that jar of peanut butter was just his size? So he grabbed the jar and took off with it. Well, shoot. The hiker lost his peanut butter, but at least we're all OK. But Mr Bear thought he'd come back for more. Turns out the hiker had beef jerky in his backpack.

The bear started tearing through the hiker's backpack, and when he had his fill of that, he turned to the hiker's hammock that the hiker was going to sleep in for the night. The bear tore it down and ripped it up looking for more snacks. When the bear had its fill, he decided to leave, but not without taking the hiker's backpack with him for good measure. Unfortunately for the hiker, his wallet phone headlamp and various other necessities were in the backpack.

His sleeping arrangement was also destroyed, so he decided he needed to hike back down to his car for the night. It was nearly sunset, and this man had no source of light with him. So he packed up our camp and accompanied him back down. We already hiked about five miles up to the campsite, and now had to hike another five miles down, and this time in the dark. We got rushed by a mountain lion at one point. Which was way scarier than the black bear.

Yeah, I'll bet. Anyway, the moral of the story is that a black bear may not attack you, but it sure as hell can ruin your backpacking trip and cause you to almost get killed by a mountain lion. Okay, bye, Elizabeth. Hard to fit that into a pithy rhyme, but it's a good story. It's a great story. I mean, I'm not 100% sure that was a bear.

Do you remember yourself being in the Great Smoky Mountains at one point, rifling through snacks of campers? It's the kind of thing I would do. And also, putting on a rucksack doesn't feel like very bad. To me, I feel like the first character felt more like it was actually the bear. It might be worth just having some photos from the time, but it could be one of those ones where at the end you go, hang on a minute.

He was the bear. The other guy was the bear. So who is the mountain lion? That could have been Chris Packham. Well, I've been Chris Packham. And I do have another thing about that. I think who was the actual bear? Because the behavior of eating peanut butter from a large pot,

for me, that is classic bear. Okay. Rifling around on a hammock, putting on a rucksack, that doesn't feel very bad. So you think the one that came back may have been broke character? It's possible. Yeah, interesting. The thing with that rhyme is I'd be a bit like,

is that black or brown? I can't really get the name of the clothes. I never know what's black or brown or navy. I sometimes think something's black and turns out it's navy. And if you get that wrong, that's... Especially at dusk, right? Especially at dusk. If it's tawny...

Yeah, make it feel horny. It's the third way. It's the most wanted third way. It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon.com Okay, thank you to everyone who signed up on the Patreon. Patreon.com forward slash three bean salad. Thank you.

And for those of you signing up at the Pinto or Sean Bean tier, we put a little extra up this week, which is an audio unboxing that Henry made. Is that a world first? It's pretty. Could be. It's exceptional, isn't it? It's exceptional content.

So if you want to hear a man opening some new headphones... Yeah, it's better than it sounds, I think. Yeah, it's... Unless it sounds really good. In which case, it's probably a bit worse than it sounds. I don't think it sounds very good. That's like saying... Maybe Dick's about a guy chasing a whale around.

But that sounds exciting. Yeah, it's a great picture, isn't it? That's like saying George is about a great white shark that's terrorizing a small... Got a new police chief who's in conflict with the mayor. Isn't it? So... But yeah, it's good fun.

So that's on there. And also, if you join up at the Sean Bean tier, you get access to the Sean Bean lounge. Do I believe you were last night, Mike? Yes, that's right. Yeah, well, it was the Sean Bean lounge flower show, of course. Oh, always a great occasion. You know, this time of year, you know.

Lovely. Spring on the Ebb, the beginnings of summer in bloom. But yeah, I've got a report for that right here. Thank you, Michael. The smartest nasal sprays were out in force in the Sean Bean lounge last night as we enjoyed the annual Sean Bean lounge flower show. Joseph Everett's herbaceous fist

proved a strong opening exhibit, juxtaposed perfectly with Dean Rock's Maxi Tassimassi directly next door. George Derek's carnivorous patio made short work of Alex Hemingway, Andy Gimlet and Samantha Jaker, and Rob Bowman drew plaudits for his spectacular rewilding of Sean Bean.

Alex Boyd's Astro Turf Fun Palace was a smash hit with ping-pong enthusiasts and Sawni Beanz's stellar and bog roll bush celebrating corner shops with late opening hours across the nation, led to more than one tear-stained cheat, let me tell you. Thomas' hot air balloon hanging mega-basket swung gas canister first

into Dylan Evans' lemon-flavored ice-gum, melting the peat which leaked into Jabba Wab's gravel pit, giving the appearance of used cat litter. Thankfully to Byers Anderson, Jesse Yesterbrook rolled their prize-winning jungle potato into the melee and any squabbles were soon cut short by crushing. Tim Banz and its paved paradise

provided excellent parking for the judges, and Matt Rudger turned heads with his roaded entrance sombrero. Sadly Amy Forsyth lost the key to her window box box, Jason Wellum's audio garden was out of batteries and Bricker's secret garden couldn't be located. Similarly, Jason Wellum and Phil Williams' lunar soil watercress fandango

was found to have breached the 1967 International Space Treaty, but all was not lost as Matt Hall's self-biome won the Body Cavity Horticultural Award, while Alex Cullen and Soonva Elise Yelizvik-Anderson were showered with beans for the hanging bean garden of Beanbillon. In the soil section,

Katie Gard took home shiniest worm and Hugh Williams' top clod. Thanks all. Okay, and to play us out this week's theme tune, we've had an email from GF. I really got the last, the Santana one last week. It was very, very good. Quite a few times, I have to admit.

GF Emails. GF here. Hi GF. Hi GF. Well, kind of GF. We should clarify that. Oh yeah. He says,

When I tell people my name, I usually say with a right smile, GF with a G, but I've been called far worse. As if to imply that I'm really not too fussed about my name, I just want to make them feel comfortable and at ease with the interaction.

However, I think I would actually be quite upset if they then went on to call me something other than my given name, especially GF with a J. Okay. Okay. Anyway, he writes, My friend Dan told me about your excellent podcast,

which I've now fully caught up with. We went to university together to study that most august of subjects, jazz. Lovely. I felt it was only right and proper to record a version of your theme tune in an all net Coleman free jazz style.

Oh yeah. I should imagine this will lead to a sizable curl of your listenership. No, a refining, a refining of the listenership. That is not true. I reckon 90% of our audience pretend to like jazz. And he says,

This curl of the anti free jazz chaff will leave you with a fully buffed and polished audience of cultural elites. Yes, please. Which I presume you would enjoy. That's exactly what we're doing. We're trying to hone the audience down to a single listener.

Into a single, to a single Yentob. A single Yentob. He says, I played the trumpet and have made some bass and drum noises. Dan has squealed on alto sax. Fond du Gras, Jeff.

So thank you, Jeff and Dan for this. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks, Jeff and Dan. And thanks to everyone for listening. Till next time. Goodbye. Juryo.

Bye.