Three Bean Salad - RATS!

Episode Date: September 28, 2022

The topic this week is no topic owing to an excess of intro prattling which the Bean Machine was unable to cope with. Did Henry forget to clean the Bean Machine slough-sump? Did Mike fail to de-scale the low-pressure waffle sprocket? Has Ben been at the raw prawns again? Or maybe rats got in. In time we may have answers for you but in the meantime here’s a hamless ham sandwich of a podcast episode to help you get to sleep.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladGet in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpodFeat. "Shop Jazz" by https://freesound.org/people/Migfus20

Ben, you sound a bit bad to me. Do you sound bad to Mike? Mike, does Ben sound okay to you? To find bad, Henry. No, he sounds peachy. Is it the timbre of my voice? Is it my level of sincerity? The sincerity levels are really, really bad. There's a crunching, there's a bit of a slight bit. I'm not getting crunched, I'm just getting smoothed by a bit strained away. It's 7pm and time for the class glower, classic smooth. Here's Debussy. The crunching must be inside your own suite, Henry.

It might be in my own system. Schubert died after eating mercury and shitting himself to death. Here's his fifth symphony in F-flat. Okay. There's no such thing as F-flat. I'm just going to do something that might improve the internet, too. Okay. Okay.

What are you going to do? Ben. Yes? I'm worried you're going to get a bollocking. About what? About not being in F-flat? I think, I'll bet you, there's going to be some music theorist somewhere. Saying there is F-flat. Who's going to say exactly in a certain context.

That is interesting. Well, it's E, isn't it? It's E. It's E. We all know it's E. Our listeners know it's E. Henry's walked off, but he's not. But you think in some ivory tower somewhere, there'll be some music theorist.

There'll be an ivory tower. One of our, because most of our listeners tend to be in ivory towers, as we know. They're all PhD level, yeah. Somewhere right now, they're throwing their bassoon out of the window in absolute fury. Well, we'll see. Just so you know, whichever listener it is, we're ready for you. Activate. Bassoonist, activate.

If a bassoonist can play an F-flat and send it in, then I will accept that bollocking. How's that? Okay. But only a bassoon. I'll only take it from a bassoon. There's decent terms, I think. Yeah. Or a big oboe.

Sorry about this, guys. I'm getting, I know when things are bad, I'm getting sweaty all over my front. You're all a fluster. Why are you all a fluster? My front torso is sweating. You've been back and forth. My nipples, my chest. Technical problems.

You've been on and off the telephone. A dark sweatband is going to appear left to right. I'll cross my t-shirt in a minute. That's what happens. You're going to look like a belted Galloway. That's a bit of a deep reference for cattle fans out there. I'm not the MP Galloway. I think it works for him as well.

A belted Galloway? Yeah. So imagine, what's he called again? George Galloway. George Galloway wearing a very, very tight belt. Yeah. Made of sweat. Exactly.

And in a sweat. What's happening, Henry? Calm yourself, Henry. I'll tell you what. Before you talk too much. Just calm yourself down. Why not calm yourself with the smooth sound of Schubert's F-flat concerto played by the Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra?

You're really waving a red rag in front of that bassoon next to me, Ben. You're very good at that, then. I know, I think Casca Femme is in my future. Welcome to the Bach Zone. Yeah, that's all. Yeah, I didn't think I was good at it. I didn't believe it at that time. No.

No, I didn't either. I didn't either. But when you hear... Partridge classics at six. Okay, it's rock and roll drive time, everybody. And we're looking forward to two and a half hours of back-to-back van Halen. Yes. Conservatory adverts, let's go.

I think that's my future, Henry. Yeah. Are you driving a van while listening to Van Halen? If so, call in. Double van man, van van Halen, van challenge. Are you halen another van that's driving a van that's listening to Van Halen? Call in now. For a van, halen a van, double van, van man, hail van challenge.

You could win a van. Are you wearing vans? Are you wearing vans while listening to Van Halen while driving a van? And do you own a Turkish van cat? That's the kind of cat that's owned by Andrew Lloyd Webber. See, again, that's where you'd go wrong, you see, Henry. You'd go off on a tangent and they'd just want to hear the rock and the conservatory adverts. That's all they want to hear.

But also, that chat about Andrew Lloyd Webber wouldn't fit in on classic FM either. And this is one of my problems. I fall between two stools my whole life. Look at you, both of you. Both of you, your buttocks are firmly attached to future radio broadcasting career stools. Yes. There's no question about that. Maybe in between those stools is a soft-sinking poof of a jazz channel.

Give it a go, Henry. Okay. Give it a go. That was Blind Mervyn Durvin. With the two-tone rag boys. On Triple Horn. On Triple Horn was Fancy Fancy Dan Dan. So good at playing the horn.

They named both of his nicknames twice. And on Buxie Bass, French Susan. She certainly gives this broadcast to the French horn. Okay. Oh, Henry, you've been sacked already. Sacked within a single... You've even completed a single broadcast. I got sacked, sacked before the weather.

I literally didn't even get to bring in my first weather. There's no jazz weather. And here's the traffic news. Again, it's just, stop being such a hurry, guys. It's not about the destination. It's about the jazz. Why not improvise your way wherever you're going? Turn the motorway, but why not pull off

and whittle your way through the B roads? It's a hike for a bit. Doesn't matter. In jazz world. Just throw those car keys down the neck of a goose and stroll, baby. Oh, yeah. And hear that rattle as it runs around.

Now, rejected by its kin to live a lonely goose life. Well... Yeah, so why are you so flustered, Henry? Oh, sorry. You're both sounding definitely weird to me on the audio. Weird as in them... As in we're up to something. It's a creeping sense of paranoia, Henry.

Obviously, it's clear that you're colluding. I've always understood that from the beginning. But the collusion levels haven't been changed. They're still sinister. But no, it's just there's a crispy crunchiness in your audio. I think it's because I updated my... I knew it was hubris to update my operating system. I shouldn't have done it.

I should have been happy. There was nothing wrong with High Sierra. It was perfectly fine. I was bowling along. But no, Henry, you had to ask for more, didn't you? I think it's probably an internet thing, really. The irony. London, the capital of the internet.

Oh, don't shut up. The internet is fucking amazing here, OK? This is a one-off. Oh, God, I'm sweating. The sweat's moved to my face now because London's under... London's under attack now, as well. It's such a heavy burden, in a way, being in London, because you have to defend it.

It's defended your whole life. It's a life's work. Life's duty. No, but the problem is I've got two Wi-Fi boosters. I don't know which one I'm supposed to be attached to. The trouble is it's plugged into the wall, which means I can't see its code. And so I unplug it from the wall,

and then it doesn't work when it's not plugged in. That's why it's plugged in. It's not just a peg. It's not just a hook. That's how it works. Apparently, the Wi-Fi booster plugs into all your natural electrics and turns them into a Wi-Fi sort of aerial. Sounds like you've been had.

That's what I was told. So, yeah, so, actually, this sandwich toaster, will you, if you buy my booster? Yeah, all of these coat hangers here, everything. Yeah, you can email your kettle. Now, I know I'm not wearing any of the Virgin Media livery or I don't have any of their logoed items on me, but think about it, undercover cops, do they?

No. And they do a lot of the most important police work. Same sort of thing. Can you get us a cup of tea? I'm just trying to piss in your sink. I'm just trying to piss in your sink, mate, so you might get us a cup of tea. I can't really go when someone's watching.

Am I hearing myself? I'm not really hearing myself very much. You can probably guess what you're saying, though. Yeah, I know the mouth shapes by heart now. If you put up a mirror, you could lit read yourself. I could lit read myself. You'll be shocked by some of the things coming out of your mouth. You have, for example, already been sacked from a jazz radio station.

How did that happen? You've got to be a bit careful. I'll tell you what. I've got a few different stressful things. By the way, what I'm having now, I think this is why the body does sweat when one is stressed, because what I've now got is the sensation of breeze against the sweat, creating a nice cooling sensation,

which is cupping me down, so it does work. I've got a pest control issue, which I'm currently dealing with, so that's what I was on the phone earlier, so we had to start late. So we have... House crabs. Well, we have what we have.

They will eventually be house crabs, but they're currently in the crabs' furry sort of cheese eating phase. So we think they're mice. Well, we think they could be rats, potentially. Well, that's always what's this... When you have these kind of snufflings and skifflings and turdings, that's the question that comes up, isn't it? Mice or rats?

Surely you tell yourself that it's mice, don't you? That's the first stage. The most dramatic person living in the flat will often say rats. And then the other person, the more common rational person will say, no, no, no, it's just mice. And someone else will suggest wombats. They'll be excluded from the conversation.

Magpies, squirrels, horses. Well, I tell you what, it sounded like a horse. It was so noisy. The other night, we heard it scurrying above. I mean, scurrying isn't the right word. It was more confident than that. It was sort of Irish dancing. We could have...

Have we got flatly in? Is it possible that we've got an infestation of flatly? It sounded... Honestly, it sounded like it was wearing shoes. I'm not joking. That's useful in whittling down the species, isn't it? To start with. Yeah.

You're down to horses or humans. Yeah, horse or human. It sounded like a pompous historian walking up and down, sort of dictating an essay to his secretary. Sort of in the 1950s or something. It sounded like a brogue. It sounded like a confident... It was unbelievable how much noise it was making.

But I've been talking to various pest people. And I've had a different... I've had various different approaches. Okay. That are being sold to me. It's fight or flight, isn't it, essentially? It's what it boasts. It is fight or flight.

That's the first thing. So option one is leave the flat. Yeah. Run. Just go. Go. Whichever animal is up to fully infest it. Have their fun.

Yeah. And simply live a life of what happens is you end up scurrying, living underneath hedges. Which is exactly what they want. Which is, of course, exactly what they want. So that's plan B. I'm still believing in plan A, which is we can deal with this. You end up talking to the big boys.

Like in anything in life, there's the big boys. Do you mean rent-a-kill? I mean rent-a-kill. By the way, guys, before I carry on, I just want to try and sort out the sound thing. Do you mind? No. It's slightly irking me.

And I feel like I can't hear myself at all. Is there a button you press on the... Yeah, direct monitor. Hello. Oh, fucking hell, mate. Oh, fuck. Has Ben just sold it? Fuck off, everyone.

By the way, can I say my body is still generating sweat from when it wasn't working, but I know that it's a relevant sweat. I've just got to ignore the next few... So it is working now, yeah? It is working now. There are the next few batches of sweat. They're still happening, though. So whatever they're in the box has got rid of the mice that are infesting your earphones.

Is that right? It's got rid of the mice. I think so. They've been eating nuts in your earphones this whole time. I think they may have gone. Ben, say something. This is Debussy's first piano concerto in F-flat. How smooth was that, Henry?

Because that was absolutely the paragon of smooth. That was incredibly smooth. Inspired by his incredible levels of syphilis at the time, this piece explores what happens when your cock looks like a piece of Swiss cheese. Great. Well done, Ben. That's really good. Ben, you know, another little...

One of the things you have to master, if you're going to be a DJ of classical music, you have to be very confident that you know when the song ends, because a lot of that classical music, you know, you think it's over and then it isn't. Well, that's why a lot of the recordings include the applause. That does help. That's why there's a lot of live recordings, you see. Help out the amateur. Oh, that's very difficult with the Philip Glass and the more avant-garde ones,

because then they'll have applause as part of the thing. They'll have actually part of the symphony. That can really get you out. That's some of the instrument, is the applause. If you heard his 75 different applause on a Thursday. It's seven on 1967, please. No, I'm definitely Clascofem, which is entirely music that you've heard on adverts, is Clascofem.

They don't really stray into the kind of Philip Glass end. It's adverts and world calps, basically. We've got montages. Ben, one thing you have to judge as a radio DJ for Clascofem is how long to wait as well between the end of the song. Oh, and coming in. Coming in. Yes.

Because on Radio 3 sometimes they push it so far. I think it's seen as a sort of sign of how good you are. Yes, you're right. You're right. A good sort of minute. Right. I'll do the music and you do the Radio 3 renouncing. Ready?

Yeah. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Dupuzzi's penis had almost completely fallen off when he wrote that. Which is what makes it so remarkable. That's very good, Henry. Even the sniff, just letting the listener know that you're not there. Yeah, yeah.

A little bit of sigh, yeah. Because you've got to let it bed in. You've got to let it sit emotionally. It's not dead air. It's just a very pensive sniff. Well, especially because if Radio 3 does have that amount of pure dead air, they launch the nukes, don't they? That's all the way to tell him.

It's nukes. Go, go, go, go, go. It's the Dupuzzi Protocol by Jack Snack Attack in collaboration with James Cameron. And Bill Clinton. Did you read that book? When we were on holiday in the summer, Mike sent a photo of the book he was reading,

and it was by Bill Clinton. And James Madison. But what it was, Mike, one thing I noticed about that book, there had clearly been huge debates, lawyers' meetings about who had the biggest font for their name and what the order was. Because the whole cover is just a sort of fight of lettering. They looked about the same side,

but Clinton is actually about a quarter of an inch higher to the touch. Right, yeah. But who gets the first billing? I've forgotten. Because it's all just title, president, right? It's all just lots of cocks. It's just a huge cock fight. It was a big arms race on the front of a book, wasn't it?

Yeah. Everyone was swinging it all about. So much swinging was going on. But I did read that on holiday. How was it? Was it called The President Is Dead? The President Is Missing. There's no subtext whatsoever with that title, is there?

Yeah. I'm not going to lie. I absolutely loved it. It was the perfect holiday thriller. Because the title is The President Is Missing, which is, I mean, it's obviously thrilling in and of itself and it's exciting. But you know that you can relax throughout the entire novel

because almost the entire novel, apart from a couple of pages where you have the point of view of the assassin, almost the entire novel is in the voice of the president. So, at no point to the reader is he missing at all, you know, precisely where he is at all times. He's right in front of you. He's talking. You know what he's thinking.

You know what he's saying. You know what he's just out for his lunch. What it should be is, someone thinks the president is missing. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And is it first person?

Yeah. So it should be I'm missing. Incredibly relaxing. It's the perfect holiday thriller. Because you want the thriller. You know you're on holiday. You want to read a thriller. But you don't want to feel stressed because you're on holiday.

So it's the perfect answer. And also they do a brilliant trick at the end where if you're wide, you need to concentrate on what's happening. You don't at all. Because the entire plot is summed up in the last five pages when the president character does a speech about what's happened in front of the Senate. So you could just read the last five pages.

You could. It's synopsis of everything that's happened and why. So you don't get that thing of, hang on, I don't get it. But wasn't he the guy who did the who was that and what was that person? It's almost as if they know that some people are going to skim this book.

Yeah. And essentially fast forward to the end. Just get it over with. Just get it over with. They still want those people to be able to pretend they've read it and try to tell people about it. So they give you that feature. Yeah.

That's quite considerate. Did you feel that you'd learned anything about the character of former president Bill Clinton having read his novel? I thought it was interesting. He chose, he went down the sort of Grishamesk type route. Of course he did. Of, he made sure that the president's character was someone with flawless judgment.

He was a very handsome widower. Despite a busy political career. Well, he behaved like a widower, didn't he? Clinton throughout his business. Yeah. Yeah. I think he was, he was a decorated veteran of some kind, ranger, perhaps something special,

hardworking, honest, loyal. And at moments when all of his, all of his closest advisors said, you should do thing A, he would say, no, that's what they want us to do. We must do thing B. And then in the next chapter, you've learned immediately. And that was the right decision because da, da, da, da, da, da.

So literally no flaw, because isn't that, that's the sort of main rule of sort of storytelling, isn't it? The character, it has to have a flaw. Oh, no, no, no. No, he does have a flaw. He has a, he has an unusual blood condition that he really should go to the doctor about,

but he's, he's not being very good about that. So literally they're just giving him a slight medical flaw. Medical flaw. That was the only. And he's, he isn't being as attentive to his treatment as he should be. Because he's so damned obsessed with duty. Exactly.

And because he hasn't sorted out the American healthcare system. So it's a real mess. He's neglected it. He's completely neglected it in favor of, of just sort of exciting missions to rescue people and stuff. That's what he's focused his whole presidency on. So what, so did he co-write this other writer? What's he called?

It's Patterson, James Patterson. James Patter, Patter, Patterson. Patterson. So he's a big. Patterson. Patterson. Yeah. Yeah.

So I'm assuming he's. He's one of the best selling authors in the world. Yes. Of course he is. Yeah. So there'll always be a guy I've never heard of, that no one's ever heard of called Frank McCheese. Like.

Yeah. But Frank McCheese hasn't shifted 4 million copies. He's never known Frank McCheese. He has. He's only done 450 million copies of his book. Blood tide rising again. Or the million horizon rising. Just things are always rising.

A red. Arctic red dawn. Breakfast protocol. Hovering tomato attack. Yeah. There's that book that will sell like a billion copies. And then there'll be the other kind of book that does well on the holidays, which will be called something like the pondering mystery

of Debussy's penis. And it'll be like. The story of how one podcast, it was canceled. For a simple joke he made. It'll be like a cozy mystery where it's like detectives, but they're kind of just nice. People are getting murdered in a nice way. Yeah.

There's no gore. People are just being found poisoned under a mulberry bush somewhere. Yeah. But it'll be solved by like a vicar. Or a keen gardener. It'll be Mavis Wigglefrobes, awfully strange and funny, murdered and scon's events. That's exactly it.

There'll be at least one fair at some point in the middle of it. Yeah. Or it'll be something like murder with a side of raspberry sponge that's most fantastic and wonderful on a Tuesday. That sort of thing, yeah? Yeah. Lovely. But I think that's a big trend in novels at the moment.

But also, that's what happens is because the reason the phrase don't judge a book by its cover exists is a desperate attempt by book marketing people to counteract the prevailing truth, which is that everyone judges books by their covers. And usually quite accurately so. And normally almost completely accurately. It's a brilliant system. Very few people don't have cover radar.

Exactly. It's just a natural thing that we all possess. Yeah. But what happens is if it wants a book as successful, you'll literally get a yet similar looking and sounding books because they're just trying to convince people that because it's the same cover. I think it should get you to buy it by accident all the time.

Yeah. James Patterson with Phil Clinton. Collaboration is that. There's always limitations. There's just variations on the theme. Yeah. Do you think so? This John Pattinson guy.

Yeah. Close enough. The New York Times bestseller. I've never had. There's one called Harlan. Harlan something. Harlan Open. Coban.

Yeah. He's another one where I've never heard of him. And then I've, I recently sort of became aware of him. And then he's actually the biggest selling author of all time or something. Right. You've read five of his books. That's what happens.

That's how he is. You don't know. Yeah. But so how do you actually, you know, you don't get books written by two people. It's just not. No. For some reason in the history of writing, it doesn't happen.

You do not get. I think there'd be a lot of spats. Basically. If you're literally pouring over every sentence together. So how do you think it worked? I mean, I think Bill Clinton had a 15 minute conversation. And gave James Patterson some insights into the presidency in which he said, my insights are the following.

His presidential character should have exquisite judgment. No floor. Yeah. Probably was quite good at sports. The young man got a college scholarship. Probably some sort of army hero. That would be nice. Please.

That's all right. And, you know, it just gets everything right. And followed by like a 45 minute argument about the fonts and who's main thing first. Yeah. Capitalization. Yeah. I think that's probably.

So what had happened to the president in the end? Can you give us a quick, quick summary? He just toddled off. He just organized a meeting. He got, he got told that there was a big threat coming. Who from? From a Middle Eastern terrorist. A cyber threat that would shut down the United States

and put plunger into a new dark ages. And the code name of this attack, dark ages. But also the America's never had a dark ages. Exactly. We don't even have form. We'll have no idea what to do. We'll be on carts going. Hello.

Oh onion for sale. We won't know how to do it. We've never had a dark ages. Henry. Hi. You never told us what your options are vis-a-vis your mice. Yeah. This has been quite a sprawling intro.

It's been quite a sprawling intro. I mean, have we got. Yeah. Well, should I tell you now? I could tell you another time maybe. I could use it as a, I could leave it as a trailer. Okay. Or do you think I should, or do you think I should talk about it?

I think, I think that has Bill Clinton, James Patterson levels of suspense. So I would just crack on. I said the mouse problem is, well, basically I've had to talk to a couple of, I'm just going to close my window. Is that the way they're coming in? So look, I've talked to a couple of different people. There's, there's a guy called Keith. So, Keith.

Right. Okay. I'm not, he's genuinely South African, Keith. Okay. Okay. Okay, Henry. You all right with that? You say so.

I'm not making it up. Before you do, before you do your flawless accent, Henry. Yeah. When I had a mouse problem in my house in London. Yeah. We called out a South American guy called Keith. I'm not joking. Oh, really?

Yeah. And he had a big spoon. But this is, yours is South African. Did you say Henry? Mine, mine's South African. That's what I said, wasn't it? No, you said South American. Sorry, I meant South African.

Okay. But either way, the spoon is a tell. Did your Keith have a spoon, Henry? I haven't met Keith yet. I've only talked to him on the phone. That's okay. Could you hear a big spoon? A whirling ladle.

It depends how big. If the ladle was so big, it's like a room that he's in. That would have affected the ambient sound. How big is this spoon? Does he live in it? He brought it around. Imagine you're serving up. You've baked a salmon.

No, you'd use a fish slice for that. Sorry. This is complete. Imagine you've made a big pot of chili for 10 people. Okay. Yeah. And you're serving it at the table. Okay.

Yeah. That size. I would never do that. I'm imagining a military platoon has been positioned near me. And I'm catering for them. It's not catering kind of food, right? Yeah. Okay.

So catering situation. Are you saying that my chili con carne is only catering level and it would never pass in a dinner party? It's not dinner party food, chili. It might be wedding catering. I mean, no, although he did suggest it was military catering. No, I'm talking about military catering. Yeah.

There's no sour cream on that trestle table, is there? Fuck no. There's not even a parsley garnish on that. Slop and go. Slop and go. Anyway, I think in both situations, you're probably using a similar spoon. Maybe in Henry's version, it's camo or it's made of camo. A camouflage spoon, does that mean?

A camo spoon. Yeah. Yeah. Otherwise the glint of it could alert a sniper to your whereabouts. So what does he do with the spoon? He'd pick up mice with it. Does he sing them into the spoon? Which is the littlest puddle of poison at the bottom.

No, he came around. He put some poison down under the floorboards and he came back with his spoon to be fair. Didn't have to pick up the corpses. And then used the spoon to pick up the corpses. Oh, poor little things. Anyway, so you might get that experience with Keith. That's what I'm saying. Because he might be the same man.

Well, I didn't feel the same, Keith. But the Keith I talked to, he was very like... Oh, yeah. He had that thing of like... Yeah. They're remarkable, aren't they? He respected his foe. He respected the foe so much.

And it almost sounded like he was beaming something. I'd be describing it. I'd be like, yes, we can hear them walking around in the walls and the ceiling. They sound really big in me. And he'd be like, oh, yes, wonderful. Oh, they're incredible, aren't they? It was almost like, come on, mate. Who's side are you on?

I'm a hunter, you understand. I'm a trekker. I'm a trekker. I'm a trekker. I learned my trade. Trekking some of the biggest land memos in the world. Elephants, tigers, tiger elephants. And the rare South African land whale.

Fucking huge. See, essentially, he's going to big game hunt the mice. I'm going to tie myself to a wooden stake in your attic. I'm going to lure them in. I'll be the bait, you understand? This rifle can put a hole the size of a car in the side of an elephant. Can you imagine a rat with the hole the size of a car in it? Essentially, it's quite hard to imagine.

But I would advise you to get in touch with some attic repair people ahead of time. Because there's a bit of a waste. There is a casualty in any... There is always a casualty in war. I see this as a war. And the first one will be your attic. Your attic is gone. It's forget it now.

Forget it. It's full of memories. But the rat is real and the rat is now. Forget the attic. Move on. Live in the now. Can I just admonish you, Henry, for both pulling me and Mike into a situation where we ended up doing dodgy south African accents? Something my members wanted to do or we should do.

And then yours deteriorated by the end where... What? I have a problem which is with accents, which is I can't sustain for that long. It's literally time. I can do most accents quite well for 10 to 15, 20 seconds. And then it just starts to lag off. Yeah, I don't know what that is. But if I can have a fresh go at it again, like right now, it'll be perfect.

I mean, it's perfect. I'll dog out this hole under your coffee table. You'll see there's a big bit of spikes. And push it in. The spikes are in the flat underneath your flat. So you're going to have to deal with those guys then a bit cross. And again, let me repeat my point. This is a war.

There are always casualties in war. The first casualty is the downstairs family. They're gone. Forget them. I had to make a decision. I had to make a tough call. I made the call. Um, so, uh, he was like, um, oh, yes.

Well, if I just cut anything, it was like, he was, he was like, oh, yes. Oh, no. Oh, yes. Oh, no. You can't. No, you can't stop them. You can't stop the rate. The rate will, it pre-existed us and it will post existence.

That is something we have to accept. You can't beat the rate. So in a way, it's not even the war. It's a battle. They're going to win the war. We know it's a battle. It's a losing battle. But you can delay the inevitable for 600 pounds plus VAT.

It's very expensive. Yeah. I know. It's so expensive. But he's like, so, um, so one thing I, he kept on whatever I said, it was always like the right now you can't do that. The wretch too intelligent. Everything I said is like that.

He's joking. We're dealing with wretch. They're the ultimate predator. Yes. You've seen the, you've seen the film predator. It's better, they're better than that. Now, so now he's saying it's like, um, well, that's the thing. And you know what he did?

He did the classic thing they always do. So I said, do you try and stop them getting in? And he went, the thing is Henry, a red can get through the end of a big pin. They always have a thing that a rat can get through that is mind blowing. The ballpoint end. A red can get through the hole in a punched piece of A4 paper. Through that pole. I mean, it could, it could just go around to be easier, but almost make the point.

I've seen it happen. It'll go through. He said, actually this might have been a mouse to be fair. He said a mouse can get through the hole of a big pen. That's a bold claim, isn't it? Mice are essentially liquid. He's saying they're essentially like the T2000 then, isn't he? Yeah.

Liquid fine reform on the other end. Now I'm looking into the technology, Henry. This is what I call the deluxe passage, where I send myself back in time. I killed a mouse. What the killed a mouse's mother before it is born. It's very difficult to prove that I've done that, but if you think back to your past, you may have seen a man you didn't know before in the street. You might have looked like me, might not have looked like me,

because I probably would have been wearing a disguise. I'm always in disguise. I don't know what I'm going to see in the mirror every time I look in. Ask yourself, have you ever seen a man in your street that you didn't know in the street? Because it could have been me. Also, it's quite hard when you go back in time to identify the mouse, because in the film Terminator, he's able to say to Sarah Connor, I have to go around going, small mouse,

that is make a sound a little bit like a alleysound. He's lurching Greek. He's lurching hard Greek. Sorry, he genuinely said, because I said, I think they're on the wall, and he said, yes, of course they are in the wall, Henry. A wall is essentially a red, hard super highway. They go up and down the street. All of your street, they go up and down.

They get very superior now. They go up and down the street. He said houses, essentially, they're made of rats, essentially. They're made of rats. Houses are just clothes that rats wear. He said all houses have, or old houses, have two rows of bricks with a space in between them to allow the bricks to expand and contract.

And in that, it's just a rat. It's just like the M4, whatever, for rats. They're just going up and down mice. Rats, they're going up and down. They go all the way down the street, all the way around your houses. They're all around you. You can't stop that happening. But all you can do is take down as many of the fuckers as we can.

With respect. Of course. With respect. Leave me, Henry. Go. Go with... But leave Bluebell. Classic and stylish. Like a vintage car. You're gonna go far. Bluebell.

Bluebell. Take me away on a magical trip. Bluebell. Bluebell. To the milky way on your ferry spaceship. Bluebell. I'll feed you meat biscuits upon the moon. We'll defeat a giant one like in June.

I'll see you there soon. Bluebellena and Bluebarama. Bluebellama and Bluebaruma. Bluebarata and Bluebarata. You'll swipe off the faces of our enemies. You'll toy with the corpses of anyone who defies our galactic rule. It's cruel to be kind, but mainly to be cruel. Bluebell has failed you, right?

The whole point of having a cat. Bluebell has failed me. I once actually, because we had a mouse few years ago, and the mouse ran across the sitting on the floor, and I saw it and Bluebell saw it. Did she pretend she hadn't seen it, but she had? Well, no, she looked at me with the facial expression that I was trying to do to her.

So she looked at me with just sort of total, like, sort of scandalised. Like, what do something? What the hell are you doing? Yeah, you're gonna let that run across the road. Come on, man. Bluebell only takes out stuff that is moth-sized and below. So, basically, Keith, as you talk to Ren to kill,

and it's all very official, and it's like, hello, sir, there's reference number 2134, and he sensed that there is a technological war against the pest that we're gonna win with this. There's an HQ, there's a nerve centre. There's an HQ, there's a nerve centre, it's organised, there's reference numbers. Yeah, by sea, land and air, they are going to take down these vermin.

We will win. We can do this. Yeah, because we think better than them. But then, you talk to them and you think everything's fine, you feel quite relaxed, and then they say, okay, cool, so the operative will call you within the next four hours, and then you get a call, and it's, hello, my name's Keith.

You get Keith. You get the operatives, you get the man on the ground. You get this maverick sort of damaged person that has a whole story around pesty, don't know what it is, but you get a kind of, you get someone with a grudge, you get someone with a grudge. Let me tell you when I was in the Rhodesian army, Henry, it was very different.

Exactly. And I still see myself as a member of the Rhodesian army. Could you please salute me when I come into the property? I'd just like to get this straight now, and if I do kill the rat or mice, they will be buried with full military honours, I'm not an animal. That's why I have this tiny gun,

this tiny gun of a military archery style. You could fire marbles, because I don't put down the barrel. It's always loaded. Don't pull that string. Get them. And then we will fold the Rhodesian flag presented to its next of kin. And I've been trying to teach this through to play the bugle,

but I'm having a lot of difficulty. Okay, so there's him. The other guy I've talked to quickly is a more of a hipster, sort of cool guy. He's got a much more sort of gentle approach. He doesn't want to hurt or kill the mice or rats. This is snake oil, whatever he said. His thing is, you just block all the holes.

No. So it seems to be accepted by the Peshok and Drog community. You can't stop them living in the walls. That's where they live. But you can try and stop them getting into the internal bit of your property. So his thing was just, I'm going to use, he's actually going to use chicken wire, which I didn't pick him up on, but...

Because you already knew they could squeeze through the end of a biro, right? You can get through a biro. Anyway, he said he was going to use chicken wire and little bits of balsa wood and make little sort of walls and little sort of, to block all the little holes. That famously tough and hard of balsa wood did it. The mice certainly won't be able to chew through in seconds. I think he wants to turn it into a sort of little,

yeah, sort of a sort of fortress. But I did say to him, the worry with that is, what if there's one already inside? Don't you just trapping it in? And he just sort of got dismissed that, I think. Got a bit of anarchy about that. He said, I've been doing this for 20 years, I've never... He actually had never seen a mouse.

What he said was that apparently... Yeah, he said he's never seen a mouse because apparently as soon as you start doing this... Also, I said, well, how do we know if it's worked? And he said, oh, that's when I do my raisin test. He just said, leave raisins all over your house. See what happens? He leaves a raisin all over your house.

He leaves raisins in all your rooms. And if the raisin has gone... Because you've eaten it. Someone's done some hovering. Someone's done some hovering. Then you've still got a mouse. I don't think he feels like the guy to go with. No.

No, I think it is going to be... He's a dreamer. It's probably going to be the big boys. They're going to have to go with the big boys. Big spoon. Big spoon. Big spoon, Keith. Ugly business.

Yeah. Speaking of which, maybe we should crank Ben's bean machine up. Absolutely infested with the rodents of all kinds. Possums, kangaroos, little wallabies, miniature pigs. It's an absolute menagerie, isn't it? It's horrible in there. It's horrible. Let's get it going.

Big machine. The big machine. Turn on the big machine. Big machine. No! This is a bean emergency. Please try to remain calm. Hello, Mike here.

As you may have detected, something has gone badly wrong with the bean machine. We've had the experts look at it, and unfortunately we prattled on so long with our intro of lukewarm banter that we've clogged up the bean machine and done it a serious mischief. Essentially, it got too lukewarm. So there's no topic this week. We're going to try turning Ben on and off again and let the bean machine cool down or heat up,

whichever works best, and we'll hopefully have a topic to properly dissect next week. Meanwhile, let's crack on with the email section and hope to goodness nothing else goes wrong. Here we go. Oh, it hurts! When you send an email, you must give thanks to the postmasters that came before.

Good morning, postmaster. Anything for me? Just some old shit. When you send an email, this represents progress, like a robot chewing a horse. Give me your horse. My beautiful horse!

Okay, time to read your emails. Also, we should say thank you to everyone who came to our live show at the London Podcast Festival. Yeah. What a good time. We met Jazz the Polar Scientist. That was hugely exciting. We really did.

Regular correspondent. Really good. Very kindly given gifts by Jazz and by Purple Strawberry. Very generous. Thank you very much indeed. They gave us a real crab bell. They gave us a real crab bell. Which mic is looking after, I believe?

I've got to look at that mic. Yeah, I've got to say one. Yeah! Tied in. Here we go. Not bad, eh? I didn't hear that. I didn't hear that.

Unfortunately, Zoom sort of filtered that out for us, but it will appear on the recording, I'm sure. Yeah. Okay. Zoom filtered that out? Yeah. Zoom has an... Oh my God!

Sorry, fucking hell. What was that? I've just... I've just sneezed out your brains. I've just... I've drunk a fly. Oh my God, that is disgusting. I'm not joking.

This is real. Oh my God. That's... Okay, that's going to stick with me forever. Ever, ever. My body's so confused. It has been up on my arm, but they don't know why.

They're so confused. I'm just doing a hail of fly two days ago, just walking around with my mouth dangling with it right down. I wanted to scream into the winds. No, this is worse because I actually... You didn't want it to happen. I felt something in my mouth.

I took it out, put it on the desk and I just looked at it and it was a fly. It's there in front of me now, this dead fly. Oh, so it's not gone in? And it was the same... Yeah, it's not gone in. It's the same... It was in my mouth and it's the same fly

which throughout this entire podcast, it's been flying around and sitting on my desk every now and then and I've been waving it away. And I just drank a glug of coffee. I felt something in my mouth. I took it out, I put it on the desk, I looked at it and it's that fly. Oh, my God, it's still there.

Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. It's a green bottle. Green bottle? It's a green bottle. It looks like a blue bottle, but it's green. They're quite big, a blue bottle. You've got rats and green bottles.

I think you've got to manage your bins a bit better, Henry. My bin admin is very poor. I'm not going to lie. I'm never going to forget that. It's right there. It can see its wing and its body and its complex body. Do you want to take a minute and get rid of it? It's all got that shine on it

and the little legs are all curled up. What if it comes to? If it comes to, that's it. You're a stray out the window. I'm out the window. Oh, sorry. That was so heinous. That came very close to me in a weird way.

I'd much rather have swallowed it because I'd never would have known. You were just suspected. I was just suspected. Because the green bottle wouldn't be in the room anymore. Do you want to get rid of it? Yeah, I suppose so, yeah. It's really absolutely fucking heinous.

Oh, that wasn't my coffee. No. Okay, it's gone in the bin. Sorry about that. That's really, really disgusting. I can have a drink of glass of water. Sorry. Poor Henry.

Okay, let's do it. You all right? Yep. Yep, sorry. So thank you to those who came to the live show. We have a splendid time and we hope you do too. That's what we were trying to say, yeah. Yes.

Ducks was the topic, which I realized came up quite heavily as well in the episode we recorded directly before. Yes. And also in the introduction before the topic. It's been a very duck heavy time, is what I'm saying. It really has. But that episode obviously came out, was published today.

So it feels like it was influenced by the live show, but it wasn't. It feels like we've got a lot to say about ducks. It's just a zeitgeist thing basically. Yeah, ducks run the zeitgeist. It's bubbling up, isn't it? Well done, everybody. Another thing, by the way,

if you're interested in stuff bubbling up in the zeitgeist, just something to look out for. Tiramisu. Oh, yeah. It's back. I can feel it. Something's happening. I've ordered it like three times in the last couple of months.

I asked Waitress the other day. I said, are a lot of people ordering Tiramisu at the moment? She went, yes. Just keep an eye out. And also, think about your own attitude to Tiramisu. Has it changed a little bit? I think it probably has, hasn't it? You're more open to it again,

because it went out of vogue. It was huge in the 90s. Is it far enough gone that it's retro now? Is it retro pudding? I think it's because Franco Manca do it. Is that what it is? That's what got me back into Tiramisu. Are you back into Tiramisu?

Yeah, big time. Yeah, see, I'm right, aren't I? It is back. Something's happening. About three years ago, went to Franco Manca. They only got two desserts. One of them is a really crap looking chocolate brownie. The other one, Tiramisu.

And it's absolutely fantastic. Yes. There you go. And then, I've started eating cheap Tiramisu's that you can buy from Lidl on like 40p each. And they're not very nice, but I'm still eating them. But if you're sat in your car anyway, then it'll be a nice one, isn't it?

Then you're massively into Tiramisu. I didn't realize it was happening. Can I just say, everyone, if you're listening, if you're not listening, then whatever. But if you're listening, we have not planned this. This is genuine. This is real. Live.

Live. Revelation. We did not pre-write what you've just heard was not written by us. Or our team. Or our team. No one in the team was involved. He writes a lot of the stuff we tend to do.

They write a lot of the stuff. And it'll probably annoy them because they'll be thinking, why didn't we think of them? They'll be listening to it going, bloody hell, I wish we'd thought of that. But Disco shows that the best content has to be off the cuff.

Always. Someone discovering that a friend of theirs also likes Tiramisu. You can't write that. But it's one of those desserts because essentially it's a creamy, coffee-infused- Lovely light sponge.

A light sponge. It's the kind of thing which has been quite unfashioned. I feel like it went out of fashion bad. It was a bit embarrassing, actually. People didn't like to say Tiramisu. I have to confess, I haven't eaten a Tiramisu for years. I haven't thought about Tiramisu for years.

But right now, all I'm thinking about is Tiramisu. Exactly. That's what you're talking about. But also, we've discussed this before. Devin is behind. It will be one wave behind. So actually the first Tiramisu wave.

It'll be the early 30s, maybe. The early 1930s Tiramisu was invented. What was discovered. Yeah. It'll be the next 30s when it comes back. Yeah. I'll be ready for it. Tiramisu.

Yeah. Your emails. Vic has emailed. They write, over the summer I spent a few weeks living with my fiance. He's in the south of England, and I'm from New York City. Nice.

While I was there, I noticed that when you walk past people on the street, they make an extremely concentrated effort to avoid eye contact. If you smile or dare to say hello, they seem genuinely frightened. This is both puzzling and very funny to me. I've lived in the UK before, but I was in Glasgow

where people are much more inclined to these little moments of innocuous social interaction. I'll be moving in with my fiance within the next couple of months, and I'd love to take little strolls. So I was wondering if you had any advice on what to do when encountering strangers about town? Which bit of England did Vic say they were strolling in?

The south of England. Just the south. That's it. That's a very broad church. It includes the both of you. If you're around Devonways. Yeah. You know, Cornwall Dorset.

Dare I say Somerset. I think you'd often be greeted with a friendly hello. Shove yourself all the way over to Kent. You're going to get a short shrift. And London obviously is the sort of epicenter of supposedly non saying hello in that situation. Yeah. I mean, also within that, there's, you know,

are you trying to nod hello to people in urban environments of which there are some in the south? Or, I mean, because if you're rambling, if you're on the rambling courses of the south, I mean, you should get a hello even in Kent. Someone should say hello to you on it. If you're rambling on a country lane. So, and if you're not, then I have to ask, you know,

are there any offensive slogans on your T-shirt? Yeah. Are you playing very loud New York City-based music through a ghetto blaster? Yeah. And what should be a bucolic iddle? You know? Yeah.

Are you riding your Harley on a bridal way? Yeah. Sounds like all those things are happening. Are you carrying around one of those very, very large, foam, pointy fingers? NMH writes, in regards to our live show, will we ever discover what was in Henry's bag? That's something that's, well, Henry,

that's got to be for you to decide. Yes. I've seen there's been some speculation about this. You're, for the first time in your life, you're enjoying, you might not know what the word is that you're feeling, Henry, but you have some mystique. That's what it is. You've probably read about mystique.

You thought you understood mystique, but that's, you're in it now. This is an experiencing mystique. So you've got to, you're at a crossroads here, Henry, right? You kind of keep that mystique going. Yeah. And become an unknowable kind of envious figure. Yes.

So that's colossally wealthy living in a kind of walled, stately home somewhere. Yeah. Enraging the Vatican. Big problem. Did it, Enri, enraged the Vatican? And I have a feeling she'd defaced a picture of the Pope on a live television broadcast in Ireland.

You're thinking of nothing compares to you, woman. What was her name? Oh, it was her, was it? Sinead O'Connor. Yeah. She tore up a picture of the Pope on television. Oh, I do apologise. Yeah.

No, Enria's. Oh, I thought that was Enria. Oh, I do apologise. Enria's in the my cold fill zone, isn't she? Yeah. So she hasn't enraged. I do beg your pardon, everybody. I withdraw that comment.

And Henry, you don't, I'm not suggesting you need to enrage the Vatican. It's all, I mean, it's all gravy so far then, isn't it? Because that was the only negative. Well, I can't think of a negative about Enria's life, really. Yeah. So what are my options? I can, I can have being envious of sort of recluse. Yes.

Or you can. In the same way that she's never told anyone what the lyrics of Orinoco flow mean. Is that, is that what you mean? Yeah. Yeah, okay. Or you can just reveal what's in your bag, in which case mystery is gone. It may be there's something in your bag that's, you know, is so exciting that actually your reputation would be further enhanced.

Or it may be there be things in there that would make you liable to prosecution. Or it may just kill your mystique dead. And that's it. Hmm. Like flying the mouth of a middle-aged man. Hmm. Oh. Um.

What's it to be, Henry? I think I'm going to, I'll get some clues. Okay. Over the next few weeks, maybe. In riddles. There were three objects of Baker's hand crafted. I mean, I can see you've not been working on your riddling. I've not been working on my riddling.

I just haven't had time. Well, yeah. So, well, some of the things that were in my bag, I'll reveal a few of them. There were three pastries. I bought three pastries. There's a little treat for Mike and Ben, because you're in London. Goodbye, Enne. Yeah.

Um, I, uh, I could have had that life. Yeah. So there was some cross-ons and stuff. I bought them for you guys as a little treat. I thought because I was walking through London to get to the venue. And obviously because I was walking through London, it wasn't long before I came across a stall selling very, very high quality. Um, baked goods.

And I got a, uh, an almond croissant. It was a cinnamon sort of swirl. Cinnamon, cinnamon roll. And a Bretton pastry that even I hadn't heard of. Hello? Yeah. You guys were, when that fussed about them? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You guys were, when that fussed about them? We ate a bit of them. That didn't we? You ate a little bit of them. We didn't want to eat it all because it just felt foolish to moments before going on stage like fill up on butter heavy pastry. On a Bretton pastry. Yeah.

You haven't heard of it. We didn't want to nick your pastry as well, Henry. Were you imagining that you'd like break, break them out and eat them in the middle of the live show? Well, I, I did think if I, if I get a sugar dip, I thought, because I sometimes get a sugar dip during the podcast, I thought, um, be good to have them on hand. Because I might just take, take three pastries down. Um, I did eat that. The Bretton pastry, I hadn't heard of that the next day, um, in a high street coffee chain

and hadn't aged that well. I'll reveal that. And there we have it. Mystery solved case closed. One astonishing conclusion. To the question that's been on two people's lips. What was in Henry's bag? Sometimes be careful what you wish for cause the answer can be three pastries.

Oh, also, also, sorry, I'm going to get the whole hog now. There's also a shirt in there in case, in case I got cold. I think that was it. Finally, more from Beth and high beans. I thought you might appreciate that I showed my mum a picture of Henry and she said, he looks a bit like Jason Statham. Okay, so. To which me, my sister and boyfriend, all avid listeners of the podcast all burst out laughing

at the idea of Henry being compared with the British hard man of film. Okay, one thing I'd say is don't assume because of my voice or my vibe that I'm not hard. I have, um, essentially, I mean, I've never used it, but I'm pretty sure that if I was to get into a fight situation, I have a kind of, it's a certain thing that certain animals do. They sort of. You got a sting. I've just, I've just, I'm sorry. I've just seen, I've just seen, I've just seen a mouse, but it wasn't.

I mean, that's interesting. You were talking about your ability readiness in a fight and you saw a mouse and you utterly froze. Utterly froze. So it wasn't even inside. It was outside. I swung through the window, but it still freaked me out. You're on the first floor. What's it doing?

That mouse is huge. It's got wheels. It's got an exhaust. That mouse is contributing you less regulations. It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon. Patreon. Patreon.com.

4 slash 3 beats salad. Thank you to everyone who signed up at our Patreon. Thank you. May I remind you that every episode we record lots, but it doesn't all go in the episode and the stuff we keep behind is kept for our monthly bumper, often massive Patreon episode. Indeed. And there are various tiers you can sign up on. One of them is the Sean Bean tier, which gets you access to the Sean Bean lounge, where

Mike was last night. I certainly was. And what an evening. I couldn't be there, sadly, but I heard it was a big one. That was huge. Because it was, of course, the... Wasn't it the centenary of the 1922 Sean Bean steamboat painting competition? That's exactly right.

Thank you, Ben. It was. Thank you for reminding me. And here's my report. The tension was palpable last night at the Sean Bean lounge for the centenary steamboat painting competition. The last one, of course, being won by Sean Bean's maternal grandfather, Sean Pine Colonel. And the prize?

Sean Bean's special secret bean. Wendy Roby painted the picture of a steamboat disqualified. Laurel Walker painted the hull of an actual steamboat disqualified. Mojdowski painted a picture of a steamboat on the side of a steamboat using a paint brush in the shape of a steamboat disqualified. Megan McDaniel painted a picture of Bluebell, special commendation. Bluebell painted James Wilby. Runner up.

Additional plaudits to Bluebell for a successful nude rendering despite James's lifelong vow never to strip in the presence of a British short hair. But the winner was Sean Bean, who painted a boat using the medium of steam with the aid of a travel kettle in the Sean Bean lounge kitchenette. Or at least he said he did, and who are we to question them? Thanks all. Now, let's find out which version of our theme tune will play us out. You've been sending in your versions of our theme tune.

They're all fantastic. Thank you. Again, do send it to 3beansaladpod at gmail.com. We've had one from Lama. She writes, I've done little remix of your theme in a chip tune style. Oh, I like that. I like chip tunes. As yours writes, P.S.

Mini bollocking for Mike for suggesting that keeping birds isn't on these days. My cockatiel and I have been together 23 years and he lives a life of luxury. That again. My gosh. Stoked a fire there, didn't I? Anyway, until next time, dear listener. Goodbye. Thank you.

Bye. Bye.