Three Bean Salad - Romance

Episode Date: August 25, 2021

Battling through a minor bean emergency, the beans take on the topic of romance. Roses, chocolates, candlelight, forcing an eel to swallow a wedding ring.Tickets for the livestream of the beans' live show on 2nd September 2021 are available here: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/three-bean-salad-online-streaming-event/Get in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

this is a bean emergency please try to remain calm hello very slight minor bean emergency this week Henry bought a new microphone doesn't work his old one doesn't work we recorded using a different microphone that didn't work so unfortunately for Henry's bits we're using a backup recording of the zoom call and the audio isn't that great then mystifyingly as you'll hear when we get to the correspondence section at the end his microphone does start to work for reasons none of us understand anyway it's still good fun and a little content warning because of the theme of this week's episode it gets a little bit racy so I know sometimes people listen to this with their kids

maybe this one's a bit adult anyway enjoy the show quick little technical thing yeah we can cut this out or just include it and stick a pompadou on the front oh that's a very cynical attitude to the pompadou section oh come on we're all grown-ups now come on we use the pompadou as a sticking plaster we use it as a sticking plaster to solve problems we can't be asked to get down dirty with yeah come on so let's hear it I'm not hearing my own voice through the through the headphones is that normal in my situation

yes basically that's just my cross to bear isn't it okay fine yeah so you should be able to kind of hear you know yourself half through your ears in the normal way but I guess your ears are also blocked by the headphones so he has to listen through his nose well everyone knows if you lose your ears in an accident your nose will compensate yeah everyone knows that all of the face orifices have that in their in their wheelhouse don't they yeah right just sort of shuffle about into the others yeah well so if you get if you get your mouth blown off you can eat through your ears yeah well you can pick someone can feed noodles in not everything necessarily you have to be silly about it then you can't eat a lamb a lamb roast

necessarily but you could feed noodles through one of these very finely chopped yeah anything that's chopped down to a kind of silt can be funneled in with warm with warm soapy water you know or you want to clean it at the same time so just warm soapy water just slides on through just slides it slides it through right okay and then that'll slide out of your and the remainder will slide out of your nose and if you've just got a little just a small not because there's a small chin mounted sieve land in that and you can keep any of those bits and recycle them through the other ear yeah most decent gastropub will offer that they'll have the normally have to set up near with the high chairs they'll have the we'll have all the funnels and all that yeah

yeah just have yourself to that in a board game and you don't even have to you don't necessarily have to even bring the staff into it but I've heard people you you can round the bread stick in you wiggle it about break it up and then you pour um hot tomato or warm tomato soup through yeah and that's uh it's the nearest thing to a guest batch I you know these people can experience a wine tonight obviously if you look at the Mediterranean foods most of them are tubular generally they'll be tubular things like spaghetti and noodles yeah rice panay was initially invented actually as a sort of as a delivery device a mechanism rather than the food itself yeah to help people with sort of poor aim that's right you you you send down the

fusilli first as a kind of family you bore out you bore through the fusilli just just to just to make sure you've got a nice clean pile that's right it's a bit like putting up if you've ever put up a picture frame or a heavier mirror yeah it's like a roll plug yeah you bore through the fusilli uh put in the panay put in the panay and then pulses you line up a pea and just shoot it through you just shoot it yeah your peas your pulses yeah your prawns yeah prawns orangeina orange orangeina um oozos well the oozos at the end of the meal that that's again because because it clears clears out the pipe at the end so yeah does the pipes no any good and then put a little match to it at the end and uh you're done happy birthday yeah well that's a

nice little show off is it was sometimes the waiter will do that yeah they'll um well it's supposed to do if it's your but if you mentioned the waitress your birthday they'll they'll get what is uh essentially a Maltese or the Italian version of a Maltese Maltese oh Maltese Maltese oh out with it with a little candle in it and they'll carry that through with great pump and then they'll they'll ram the Maltese in your ear and the candle will be with a tiny cannon tiny is a tiny cannon yeah they shoot it right in you feel that ricocheting off your brain it's a lovely feeling oh it really wakes you up doesn't it uh right is it time to access the beam machine yeah okay i reckon this week's topic is

oh big one uh romance i think of the three of us this is a big call okay i feel like henry embodies romance the most i'm basing that on his marriage proposal taking place in Venice that is good the international home of romance but is is proposing in Venice because i mean does that happen because you're inherently highly romantic or or are you so unromantic that the only thing you can think of is to go to you've picked up your dummy's guide to romance from the library i goofled

romantically i just said whatever it is do it in Venice what do you think of those people who do sort of quite complicated proposals the sort of underwater cave level what's that one what's that one now that i say i don't even it's possibly someone i know has done this so i'm loath to cause a fence but i have certainly read about someone proposing by going on a sort of a diving holiday and the day before sort of making themselves scarce and hiding a ring in a little underwater cave that's crazy and then the following day going on the dive with the with it with the person they're proposing to and then taking them to this underwater cave going oh pointing oh look look look at this clam let's open this clam it was in a clam well i don't know what it was inside i don't know what

it was inside a clam show very unethical to force it into a clam or a box or whatever it was but it was in the same location wherever they jammed it what would have been really dramatic is you go down the day before you feed it to an eel who in turn is eaten by a shark who in turn is eaten by an orca you then train that orca to be a display orca in a sea life center in florida you go to florida there's a tragic accident involving a trainer the orca is put down you get tickets to the autopsy at which point they chop over the orca there's a live shark inside till a live shark the shark bites your arm off so that's that point you think you've been victim to the the only land land-based shark attack the first ever land-based shark attack yeah you pass out you wake up in

hospital the next day a bionic arm yeah your real arm is um is you ask as you would um if you're going to see a real arm or if it's been disposed of yet just to say you could buy it's in a glass display case above your above your bed you notice two things that are unusual about the arm one is it's got a ring on it's got a wedding ring on the finger yeah yeah so obviously so you propose yourself it's a wedding ring as well so we've gone straight through we've even the paperwork's been done while you're unconscious witnesses have signed it they've got the paperwork on the opposite wall pictures of you being wheeled into the wedding you've been wheeled through the entire wedding ceremony you've missed out on the speeches you've missed out on your dad crying the first dance was a bit of a

damp squint yeah you've missed out on the all the very expensive catering a couple of cousins flew in from New Zealand um we've not seen them for 12 years they've already gone home in a state of great distress now the arm yes it's on a cabinet right yeah but it's your arm and it's severed but hang on it's wriggling what wait a minute it's wriggling it's still attached your body's over they pull away the fake all the curtains around it your body's still attached to the hand well it's just your head your head's come off oh your arm wasn't seven at all your head was severed head was severed your head's been kept alive with wires and organic technology they've developed nutrient fluids yeah it's been a sort of sick bowl of sort of electric electric nutrient fluid

yeah and actually and then your your wife comes in or who you think is your wife she walks over to the arm and to the torso she pulls a sheet off the top in place of your head is the eels head she's married to the eel because of a glare that's no longer your finger to have the ring on and you're like what the hell's going on this this is disgusting and she says hey come on mate it's 40 53 get with the program with the program everyone's married to people with the eel heads nowadays open curtain she says they're automatic now look out London is full of people walking around with people with in couples and one person's got an eel head yeah and people enjoying outdoor dining but

they're just sitting in their copper bowls and their heads and that's it yeah i've been about all kinds of combos so turns out the shark did attack right back to the beginning now yeah yeah the shark did attack you that shark attack happened it was Cape Town Cape Town not far from the South Africa Science Institute Sasai yeah but then they were doing experiments in um uh cryogenic storage brain stuff brain transplanting etc yeah um so your head which had been bitten off the shark was taken there frozen wrapped in wrapped in wet towels initially then but cleaned they would have been clean towels they would have been wet but they would

have been clean they don't wet because someone's just used them in the shower they that's very important so people know wet dog towels wet dog towels yeah but you've done a clean dog yeah and anyway they've they've been experimenting on your head for for centuries now that's why it's the future eventually the political situations change there's no longer ethical to do that yeah um so your wife is still alive somehow um as a long long story then but essentially the artificial intelligence download of her is still alive i think exactly i see yes yes you see um but she's married to the eel and it was and sorry henry was was all this premeditated by the wife so you thought oh i'm actually doing this uh this elaborate

proposal but she knew all along this was a long game for her in over 2000 years time to marry an eel man she would have known that there are various points in the plan where things could have gone awry i think yeah yeah um yeah she'd have she'd have planned for different yeah different scenarios different outcomes along the way yeah yeah and then you say what kind of eel is that and she says that's a moray and we're back we're back to romance as a thing oh wow come on holy moly um professional comedy writer benjamin partridge also just a little footnote though it's not footnotes um i'm available for all and any work uh just a little footnote she didn't actually get on with the eel though it

turned out and um they divorced a few years later did they just didn't just didn't see ben you could say something like was it was he a bit of a cold fish here oh okay yeah yeah yeah um henry uh was it because he was a bit of a cold fish oh that's benjamin partridge comedy writer available comedy writer put it this way um put it this way uh she was married to an eel but in the bedroom things weren't electric oh yeah also because he one of the problems was that he as an eel as an eel he reproduces by um well initially swimming to the caribbean and then meeting up with thousands of other eels and all of them they all sort of just spunking into the sea it's spunk into a huge sort of underwater ball of spunk yeah it complicates

the usual just sort of wednesday night love making doesn't it you know yeah um the kids are at orchestra practice in judo and it's got a bit of time and yeah it really slows it down when you've got to do that yeah exactly so that became hard to manage golly and yet they said romance was dead hey would you say you're managing to keep the romance alive mike in your um your families is that in my family yeah well my mum and my dad yeah i send them aphrodisiacs on a regular basis monthly subscription yeah my sister and brother-in-law i just it's all about whispering sweet nothing's really a sort of yeah yeah yeah yeah you've got to make an effort with these with these things yeah my family are they are sexual beings and it's important to remember

that all the time yeah and to encourage that you know mike you obviously don't have to tell us it's a it's a private thing but i don't think i've ever heard about when you proposed to your wife and what kind of setting was it what kind of level of romance are we talking mine wasn't in venice mine was in hey on why okay is it during the book festival it was uh he didn't propose during a salman rush to talk that's quite romantic yeah he was blaring across eastern wales that'd be correct meant if you turned your partner during a salmon rush to talk hey and go darling if you just um just look in salman rush to his mouth and she'd go well there's nothing there's nothing particularly going on with his mouth other than he's you know talking in a really interesting way about midnight

children just step up to the step of the station i just put put your left hand into his mouth all the way keep going until yeah can you get the purchase on something that why he'll keep talking about midnight children if you just won't stop he's a pro he won't lose his strength on thousands of these book festivals yeah just find that dangly thing at the back of his mouth the dangly thing yeah is a dangly obviously you viewers tired or not yeah it'll come off a treat yeah it was like that are you you're familiar with hay on why so you know yes that little sort of ruined castle up at the top and it was in the courtyard at the top of there and it was there was no one there but there was an open door which i kicked shut too hard so it slammed quite abruptly at which point

i was that side of the door uh my future wife is in standing in the middle of this courtyard there's no other clear escape points in an abandoned location so that's quite threatening i then went very earnest and she was completely convinced that what i was about to do was was dump her on oh no on a fortified hill in wales haven't just leave her there is what she thought but no but that that can happen you know with with proposals because it's quite the build up to a proposal is quite similar to a dumping because as you say everything gets very earnest yeah everything's quite serious what something big's going to happen yeah but henry you'd have to be a real monster to take someone on holiday to venice take them to a lovely bridge over

the canal and then dump them yeah incredible move yeah the odds are against aren't they extreme extreme dick moves that would be but hey on why absolutely hey on why i mean great place to slow you can get back from hey on why you know i mean the bus the buses are slow but they are there you know but also moments after the dumping as we've alluded to they could be listening to a talk by you know ian mcqueen yeah it's going to sugar the pill of course did you do did you go to one knee i did go on one knee well done oh good work well i is it though or is it is it you know i don't know i think partly i did that i was i was in two minds about whether or not that was uh a thing to do or not but it was the moment i i sort of registered in her face a look of panic that something bad was

was coming her way and at that point i think i dropped one knee just to try and signal as clearly as i possibly could that this was not a dumping the risk is if someone thinks they're picking up the signals of a dumping you know some people might do a you know do a pre-dumping before they've been dumped so the last thing i want to do is oh my god signal that i'm about you know to dump accidentally and then to find myself be dumped then you know before i'm halfway dropped a money lanum and you know i've been dumped before i've hit the ground you know yeah because she could go before you say anything i dump you actually exactly yeah you know what i don't think this is working actually either so because and then what and then the worst is if in that time she then

puts in an observation about you that can never be never ever be erased yeah i didn't see i didn't think it does work because of your smelly shoulders mike yeah exactly i didn't think i didn't think it will work which i've always known about yeah yeah that's why i wear centered epaulettes wherever i go but doesn't still doesn't work and actually and because you know you've got athlete's shoulder as well is that is that linked it's related it's right it's because of the it's because of the the local humidity yeah the high salt content is the it means that certain very powerful yeasts thrive and once they're there they're very much the sort of japanese knotweed of yeasts

yeah really tough tough buggers are real they go deep and you're not getting rid of most evenings my wife takes a shoulder chisel and a pumice and tries to get what she can off that's to so losing battle every time what's good is that we've managed as a as a society to filter out the stage of romance where you have to beat someone else in a joust yeah there's no gauntlets anymore are there no it's very rare to win someone's handed marriage it's for the best i think you tend to just get to a point in your 30s where you think we'd probably best just do that now i think yeah we can split the rent yes whereas before you'd have to joust

someone for it would you yeah yeah if you wanted a sort of high ticket female you know your princesses your baronesses yeah someone who had colors someone who's level enough they had colors that you might wear on your lance i mean obviously also your marriage will bring peace for 100 years so there's quite a lot going on there's a lot to factor in isn't there there's a lot to unpack and maybe that's why it needed to be dressed up with a bit more a bit more romance really and you've only seen like a sketch you've seen like a tiny little sketch which is bollocks as well which is absolutely bollocks yeah yeah i've heard tell of her golden tresses my liege her tresses are the talk of aquitaine yeah and sir sebastian isn't seven foot tall as it turns out

and doesn't have lightning coming out of his sword and rainbow farts yeah it turns out he's a sort of hideous sort of hunched foul smelling creature who just talked about badminton and nothing else um it was a time when facial features were assumed to sort of sort of tell you about the personality right they absolutely so you'd say like what's she like you know what she like as a person and they'd say well she has a high and wide forehead and oh yeah she sounds great and they really get on she has well spaced nostrils and a noble cheek brilliant a noble hapsburg cheek we're gonna get on like a bloody house on fire because i've got cleft ears

handkerchiefs what was there's a lot of in the olden days it was all about handkerchiefs wasn't it you'd drop a hand yes you'd do a joust you'd do a joust with a handkerchief tied to your lance or someone would drop a handkerchief and a ball the princess has farted on the handkerchief she farts on the handkerchief and she farts exactly and she also then farts on the right door of the wherever she's staying in the castle so you follow the scent to her bedchambers for an illicit trist is my understanding it's like giving someone your hotel key yeah and saying room 350 bring 20 magnets but it's got a bit of a knack to it you'll have to you probably have to try a few times if you hold like what i found is if you you hold on to the

metal door handle you shove it down and then you you go dizzy or pushing in at that point then you have to wait if you don't if you don't wait it's like anyone's here to wait for just a moment and then and then you have to wait it was a little green light to come on come on then you yank it back and out now obviously i'll hear if you're struggling i will hear you but obviously i won't be able to come to the door because i'll be in bed i'll be all hoisted up because i'm going to start getting in the hoist probably in about 40 minutes i'm going to watch the end of news night um and then i'll start hoisting myself so i won't be able to come and help you at the door so you're going to have to get the knack you can go down to reception

and also i am out of little milks so if you aren't going past reception anyway if you could ask if you could if you could they normally don't mind if you ask for some extra little milks um yeah and also some batteries for the tv remote that's that's why i'm watching news night i want to obviously i wanted watching shallow howl on channel five but i can't turn over now if you go to reception if you're really struggling if you're reception they can't i think they can reset the card now but they might need me to sign for it i'm not sure because obviously i'm well the the broom is booked to my father's name that's why it's tricky yeah uh and also but at that point both my hands will be in the in the um the plastic fit the plastic well the

the plasticated fit and they have the effect of the sharks in but they're plastic plastic i can't really walk because of the so the the beak socks uh so i went ready to go to i mean well it's simply i can't operate the remote on the telly so if you could turn off the telly when you get unless there's something good on obviously but uh if you all have to turn that off please sometimes after news night they'll show a foreign language film which will be quite quite good now i get very tired getting in and out of the the uh the costume so it's possible if you do make it in that i'll just be asleep um in that case don't just if you could not disturb me well if you if you open one of the small u hg milks the the scent will wake me because yeah wake me gently

yeah because if i wake up and i see myself in that hoist with the the flipper hands and the beak shoes and stuff i will freak the fuck out all the time feel free to make yourself a cup of tea uh the mini kettle i always bring two dummy mini kettle so the mini kettle in the middle is the real one um i've got a dummy mini kettle because i uh because i fear assassinations i bring two dummy mini kettles with me wherever i go uh just because of assassination threats i've been led to believe that i'm going to be killed by kettle um you know i have to worry about these things what with being the current prime minister of britain holy crap yeah wow okay ouch oh my god ouch they're gonna be saying wow

now with romance they often say that the element of surprise is important no i think that's a military attacks very very similar that's all yeah armed police ambush sting operation yeah yeah that'll explain my short nifty simile the pincer movement also is to be avoided in in romance okay throwing a sort of stun grenade in first that's shouldn't do it the big no-nose big romantic no-nose trying to win hearts and minds uh never attempt to land romance in asia as well never do romance on two fronts right you can't just romance from the air you have to have ground forces yes yeah uh and you can't be romantic in russia in the winter i think that one probably just held up held up

does your dog have a sense of romance and i don't mean towards you i mean towards other dogs no it's it's the reverse because she's because she's outrageously beautiful to other dogs or to you well i think the phrase he used answers that question mate i think it's choice of language in tone of voice she's the omnihoney trap you can't she turns heads left right and center yeah of dogs humans cats birds fall out of the sky she's a wiry beauty and uh just before she got she got done before she got spayed she was obviously giving off some kind of sexy musk and good god the level of attention she was getting the park was was intense but even now even now that she's been she's always she's constantly getting approached by by the lands i would say more so than other

female dogs and you just you look into the eyes of the dogs and you just go come on guys no dice here she's not keen we put an end to her well but even before then she's not she doesn't she's not out for it basically she's got one there's one dog called hubble that she really that my my hubble yeah she's as in the telescope as in the who's another she and i think my wife thinks there's an element of romantic love between the two of these dogs between power and hubble there's certainly great affection but yeah she's she's not interested in in the d at all she tucks a tail between her legs and she sort of she tries to crawl up my back basically to hide doesn't sound like romance to me that sounds like she's being stalked by loads of horny dogs there's a bit

of that but i think yeah i think dog romance lacks a bit of finesse on the whole any any sort of congress that involves mounting is unlikely i mean the bards don't sing about mounting do they on the whole hello he did mount the lady no there's no missionary is there for dogs dogs can't do missionary oh let's not talk about let's not talk about what sex positions dogs can do Henry there's one called there's literally one called named after the way dogs have sex so the poodle grab haven't done that for years the poodle cup and flick yeah the Alsatian rumba

the saint bernard mountain rescue and the pomeranian ass munch yeah it's all there it's all there for the taking i tell you um that's what bernard what he's got in that little um think that little mini barrel it's lube yeah for the for the sex starved alpinist who's just abandoned somewhere in Montblanc i just just want to just want to wait but my dick is so dry i just want to try one last challenging position with my wife before we die of malnourishment and i presume you have just one last challenging position um oh my god this is definitely the ludus this podcast has got shall we have um

i think then i think we need a jingle i think we i was just going to say rather than cut it out we can use our sticking plaster solution which is just stick a jingle on it sex jingle sex okay well so we need what we need is from you guys we need some genres and then obviously a bit of maybe mike can voice up the bit of voice uh what are we calling it lewd content warning lewd content or lewd content warning lewd content grabby grabby boys um i feel like maybe the sort of traditional greek folk music that accelerates and you're gonna battle like it accelerating greek yeah uh oh lewd content warning lewd content because also this is another mini pompadou

and that's mine for pompadou section pompadou a lot of children seem to listen to our podcast yes as i met yeah i mentioned i told you yeah my nephew and niece are among their number so i wondered whether we were sort of sort of stopped swearing and things we didn't swear that much i maybe we can beep out the um can we monetize it and do a patreon kids version hello everyone that kind of stuff i think that's why the kids aren't listening those because we're not doing that mr bongle's come along he's got a butterfly lala lala lala mr bongle's brought his dog it's a st. Bernard with a barrel full of lube mr bongle and mrs bongle are trying some challenging sex positions before they die

i've got a high friction sex toy they can't use without the lube oh it's too wide bore for mr bongle i think that would have the kids switching off in droves oh my god who am i guess okay oh yeah but i was thinking maybe we should bleep swears yeah i think henry is the most potty mouthed of the three of us come on i'd say so i did do it i did an f bomb late earlier but we can we can bleep it i think it's mainly when he's embodying russell crow i don't feel that's true that doesn't count you know that yeah i think yeah no yeah yeah and embodying is the word yeah

the end of the peer language feels feels all right in character i'd say yeah yeah okay they've heard it all before these days these days these days filthy mouth parents going about the place their teachers they get it from their teachers their teachers you know morning class eight your bunch of fuck sticks that's all right that's how school is these days isn't it it's a lack of respect all sides holy moley oh ouch well tell that to the education secretary who i think might be gavin wilmson it is more it is great hey more of good yes my cat bluebell yeah we had her you know spade whatever but before we did that you put her on the dating scene well she had one summer

sweet sweet summer like greece like the film greece she had one 90s 50s nuance sort of inflected summer tell me more tell me more she um was on heat and she would wail very very very noisily and disturbingly throughout the night um this is where parts parts company with the film grease she would wail and and she for john travolta she did well i was her john travolta she took an interest in me and i'll never forget the breath you're not a cat henry i'll i know i'm not a cat but i'll never well we were from different sides of the species slash tracks in that respect a bit like grease a bit like grease but i'll never forget because you know

bluebell if you know her bluebell you know she's quite a quite a prim cat quite bashful bashful quite conservative haircuts um so she's never had one so conservative styling yeah and i'll never forget the breakfast when i was sitting there eating a ball day and i looked up and bluebell came in and she was wearing a one-piece tight leather black shiny leather outfit come to bed eyes come to bed eyes um and um no she she basically that summer was it was attracted sexually attracted to me and she would do a thing where she would um she would back up to me and she so she'd back up to me and look at me over our shoulder friend go then looking looking up at me and what i just and she'd she'd be wiggling her little bottom and her tail into

into my sort of leg and i realized and what i would do is i would just um i rather get my foot than i could sort of use her like a wah wah pedal so i just press down lightly on her on her bum and she'd go and i can press down a bit longer and she'd go just looking at me like that and she was like it's like surely that would make that would make her even more insatiable right i think i did it was very frustrating because she was she was she was just oh but then we then we got her spade and she returned to being sort of cute little teddy bear but she had one that one summer i'll never forget um so rome what else did we miss in romance

um there's a whole world of teenage romance we didn't i've got that i've got i think i've got some letters it was letters horrifying because a lot of it is you're wrestling with your own identity and who you think you are sort of at the same time especially when the person you're writing the letter to is a 35 year old doctor bank banking sexy it just makes it very hard it's very hard to express yourself and to work out who you are when they themselves are dealing with you know they've got to think about which markets to invest in and stuff so we're both going through so much about commodities i don't know which commodities to invest in henry have you heard of the dot com bubble oh it might burst i don't know oh henry show me one of your little drawings

again your drawings of batman it makes me so so relaxed when i see the detail of its virtue of defined his muscles henrik oh henrik henrik all the other men i know they don't drop but man likes this they go around in the broom broom cars you don't have a broom broom car they just talk about the basilical instability of sub-saharan africa and the price of zinc henry you'd never talk about these things oh it bores me so much henrik just tell me about batman's relationship with commissioner gordon again tell me about it i know commissioner gordon if he's he represents this law there's batman it tell me again batman is more he's ambiguous morally yes oh henrik i don't want to play squash anymore this is a business people well i think that's a great that's a great place to

end romance so that was romance very good topic i think and that was sent in by paul from witness thank you paul thank you paul if you'd like to send in your own suggestions or even just any kind of correspondence whatsoever please send it to three bean salad pod at gmail.com and we'll be sending paul a single red rose don't we thank him a single simple red rose uh we've had emails let's look at the emails we've got an email from someone called ron hello ron he's from the us he says we in the us love mayo so we talked about mayo last week we did disparagingly we in the us love mayo so much that not only do we have a giant tub in our fridge we also like fake mayo that we call salad dressing it's sweeter than mayo and it's made from chemicals it has less raw eggs in it

and it was designed so you can take a macaroni salad out in the summer sun and not get botulism here is an old ad for it it says to fill your pairs with sugar-filled soybean oil mayo replacement when i was a kid in the 80s a cold cheese and mayo sandwich was a go to well there we are thank you ron i really enjoyed that he also says that um everyone knows that the movie that defines the us in the 1980s which is something we talked about again last week is robocop oh great film really what great film he's saying it defines america in the 80s that's what he says set in not not the 80s set in the the near future and it's also got a um pull the hooven is he dutch isn't he the director it's not american pull the hooven

how does that bear on the uh defining the america and the i think i may have been showing off um that i knew something sounded like it didn't it yeah i'm sorry um ron also says i'm listening to the condiments episode i live in the us and i've worked for a british company for 16 years so i know more than most i had no idea what a brolly was he writes it's an effing umbrella mate crumbs so he does know what a brolly is i mean he's really undermined himself there okay then you did eight minutes on branson pickle that i barely knew was a thing there was nothing like that here or anywhere else in the world no details by the way other than it looks like shit in a sewer i think that's all the detail you need and you could maybe just about

arguing that it's possibly a condiment i think that's i think that's all you need to know really he says you so far mentioned brown sauce that is also a uk thing only please give us real context or use words that exist outside the rock you guys float on okay um got pretty strong towards the end didn't it i mean i put something in i mean i my performance gave it maybe more than was there he doesn't have the subtlety of spurbs he does he spurbs he spurbs he is a kind of scalpel this guy is very much a breeze block over the head um just before we go on we've got another email from man called uh freeb that sounds dangerously close to a sort of spur i was just thinking is that spurbs backwards but it's not is it hello beans freeb from the old us of a here i wanted to write and say

i am most of the way through season one i'm greatly enjoying the podcast and all the humor i also had what i hope is a minor suggestion this is not a show topic just more of a general request would you consider doing the podcast in english i have absolutely no fucking clue what any of you are saying anyway love the show freeb freeb is very he's very cut from the same he's cut from the same cloth isn't he as uh as old spurbs he drew us in he drew us in only to i mean there's a definite theme with emails this week i don't know what i i in my mind i assume that american people know all of the british words from classic british um films and sort of faulty towers faulty towers and mary poppins and stuff you know i mean like i thought they loved all the charming british

shit i thought they'd be like hey the guy said brally they're so charming i thought i thought they just found us charming and just that everything was just massively charming no matter what we're doing i think they possibly find us snide and irritating yeah is it yeah oh i did i saw someone on twitter said something about um uh they didn't know what brenton picker was but they but they were going to go to the english or the british section of their uh supermarket so do they have british sections if they do i'd call i to know bloody unbelievably depressing section of our super oh look some meat pastes um oh look some some salt some british salt um i'd um i wouldn't mind knowing it quite interested to know what they have in those british sections so we could talk about it

so much to tell us yeah that would be interesting so anyway we have these kind of uh this blowback as you say mike from the us but then we got another email which i really liked so this is from alex hello beans i just wanted to address mike's question from the condiments episode where he queries what do kids these days think of the us i an english 14 year old girl speaking on behalf of teenagers everywhere i'm of the opinion that as a young child the us seems so cool because of how it's portrayed in films and on the tally however as you grow up you slowly start to realize how shit it is good grief the whole thing and in fact almost every teenager i know thinks the usa is shit too god they can keep their bloody double fridge doors to themselves we don't care good

alex basically there's there's two forces right because when you're a kid it's basically michael j fox michael j fox usa is called michael j fox then you start getting older you go there's like all the health system so then you've got michael j fox on the one hand then you got all the health system there all foreign policy you still got michael j fox though but you're gonna get all foreign policy and you've got those those things start to come to sort of fight in your brain don't they i had a similar thing so at that age maybe i think she says she's 14 you start for some reason you start going oh but what about the invasion of granada and and what about the sand and esters and then michael j fox did have those cool built up trainers didn't he

but then there was the bay of pigs what i want to say to alex is i think you'll then go through that and you'll be where i am now where you think actually one of those big fridges would be really good yeah and and i would like to see an alligator in the bayou one day yeah yeah then you realize it's a mixed bag yeah like anywhere else mixed bag yeah a little rock poking out the seas a bit of a mixed bag they're a bit of a mixed bag there's all sorts of mixed bags all over the place but some mixed bags have got more raisins and some mixed bags have got more nuts let's put it that way that's very true and but some people are more into raisins and some people are more into you know one of the crunch some some mixed bags will have a salted nut in there even though the other nuts are

just plain roasted but what i want to say to alex is you know i'm not saying you are going to grow up and like the us more you might hold on to that hatred for the rest of your life and good luck to you i'm hoping she comes around to to at least ambivalence i would say yeah but who are we to tell the next generation what they should like and oh no oh god no we also had neymar from martin bonjour beans and greetings from luxembourg bonjour it's pretty cool nice your most recent episode and it's hypothesizing of a double product deal in tesco brought to mind one of the most memorable supermarket experiences of my life the year was 2012 i just graduated from uni and i was on the cusp of starting my postgraduate degree my life in the summer between two degrees was

characterized primarily by two fundamentally opposing factors my unending appetite for food and booze and my complete lack of funds with which to satiate this appetite we've all been there so ten is all this time yeah that's when it happened i walked into our local tesco and found that they were running a promotion of mythical proportions buy one get two free whoa wow you may want to take a moment to let that sink in you did indeed read that right buy one get two free didn't even need you know in that situation you don't even need the first one almost did i mean just take the two free ones but you've almost got too many i'd give you what i'd do i'd buy one get two free sell the first one back at half the price i bought the first one for and then buy again and get with

the money that you got from selling it and then you got two more three more free ones do you know what i mean pretty soon i'm tesco's pretty much you know me effectively you end up walking out of that place in your test and it'd be exponential wouldn't it so it probably happened in less than 24 hours yeah and if you get a small team of people on it you're yeah you're basically that it's called it's a bit like what a certain kinds of parasitic or parasitic insects can do then going you're going through your aero take over the whole body end up yeah you can do that with the tescos but you get a free jumbo bag of quavers into the bargain exactly it's even better well best of luck to anyone trying to do that was that his anecdote it was just it that was it

there's just he found there was a bit buy one best but get get two free are you saying that isn't a good enough i think we may have lowered the bar and what a good anecdote is because of the nature of the content that we produce that's maybe that's why people like us to go bloody hell if that's if that's content i do have a story i do have a story if that's content i can dust off like buy one get two three anecdote that got me chucked out of that wedding he's saying that martin included it in a best man speech as a counterpoint to that martin i want to say thanks for emailing i enjoyed your anecdote no no no no so that wasn't really good anecdote you know no you can't you can't reel that back in henry you can't back i like to poke i think i think he's i think he's shone a harsh

light on your own anecdote can i say what i like to do that's what you're struggling with it's not that i like to poke a bit fun at the anecdotes that come in a bit like a bad father right in the sense that i think it's just affectionate but my son never knows that till the day he dies so you're saying that on is on your deathbed or martin's deathbed he pre-deceases me the son pre-deceases me okay so the father has had ample opportunity at every turn so many duties to let him know face to face that it was affectionate but i just kept on poking and actually even even at the deathbed itself i i i just slightly poked his final anecdote no no it is affectionate it's um but for some reason just like that bad father i can't bring

myself to say it was a good anecdote i can't bring myself to say it no yeah the next email is from someone called macaela and mike for you and me i think this is a horrifying email and i think might unlock something in henry that we are not going to be able to put back in the box and it could actually destroy the podcast on our friendship oh wow okay let's do it roll the dice because by the way in my mind the podcast outlives the friendship with us oh yeah in my mind yeah it will end the friendship yeah yeah but but the podcast will keep going do you know what this email is we've never been able to record it physically together have we we've got the live thing coming up but we've not that'll be the first time we might just start

walloping each other like staying in the police those i mean we don't know how it's going to turn out what happened with what happened with stinging the police sorry they used to have bust ups all the time like physical fights before they seconds before they go on stage did they ever have to call the police hello hello we are comedy professionals yeah today i don't know why'd you ask anyway mikaela writes high beans in a futile attempt to find his kfc commercial i googled henry and subsequently found out that he's very attractive this changes absolutely everything mikaela ps topic idea what will hell be like well now we know because it's this email mikaela

you have unlocked in henry you can see in his little face i've got he's got can i say i'm currently sitting down but i do have a skip in my stride even though i'm not i've got a skip in my sit i'm literally feeling my little cheeks are just i can just feel them shining they're glowing i think henry cleans up pretty good you know i'm not saying she's not right and also the photo she would have seen i have also been photographed by a photographer and a person who does many other things by the name of it'll su can oh she's very very good at taking you kind of turn up sort of puffy faced shiny jowly hair in the wrong places and not in the right places yeah and she will do something fucking magical to you and she yeah she injects a

great amount of sex appeal into pretty much every photograph she takes of a human being yeah so what micah's doing is micah's trying to take the gloss off this for me which is yeah that's okay i had a little moment i was i was i was just a little moment and it was probably it was a bit it probably was a bit too much i probably shouldn't have enjoyed that moment for too much longer actually yeah so thanks you know because it so mic's taken the gloss off um yeah uh by referring to that i was almost certainly photoshopped heavily photoshopped in that image um i am years ago someone who's really good at it too years ago i once did a gig right where there was a photo i had one quite sexy photo of me it was it was basically before i went completely

bald and embraced it and shaved it all off so there's one where i had just enough hair going on at the front where from a certain angle it looked like i had a a really thick head of sort of glossy mediterranean sort of hair right and i was right up close to the camera and my head was on an angle and it was it was devastatingly sexy for some reason it was a complete trick of the light trick of the it just wasn't in any way accurate that it's just and could it be the micahler has seen this photograph because i once did a gig where after the gig a whole load of um women came up to me and said look because the promoter had used that old photo and said um you uh used to be a lot more attractive than you are now

and um they didn't say it exactly in his words but um it was it was strongly implied yeah i think they laughed at me and said it's like you just you discussed us well oh dear that was a nice email of you to send and henry is a very handsome thanks if you do want to send us emails on any topic or if you want to respond to anything you've heard in today's episode three bean salad pod at gmail.com you can find us on twitter you can phone us on instagram you can i think that's it i think that's it thanks everybody thank thanks everyone do we need to say anything about the live stream or are we uh have we said oh yes good is it tomorrow no no it's not sorry take that out it's almost tomorrow though it's a week

tomorrow no it's not it's a week tomorrow is it yeah unless you're not listening to this today in which case it isn't it might be in the past and also people will listen to the podcast on different days anyway so keep cut all of this out but it is or will be or was on the second of september yes and i'll put a link to the tickets in the um show description if you want to watch our live show down the live stream link you'll see henry unfotoshopped oh and that's going to be a very powerful in a way that a lot of people prefer them actually oh yeah yeah grissy um grizzled um sinewy yes we're going to be getting some some lighting aren't we getting some quite sexy lighting aren't we for that show yeah pitch black it's pitch black like that restaurant in

the dark but for but for a live stream yeah yeah that's right it's going to be indistinguishable from listening to the podcast well that's what people want they want when they come see something live they want to see the podcast experience so the show will actually be just be an iphone sitting on a table and loads of headphones brilliant and then at the end we release a thousand castaways into the room and we are seen laughing from the balcony because everyone is torn to shreds yeah that's the dream until next time dear friends goodbye cheerio bye you