Three Bean Salad - S4 E1 - Dinosaurs

Episode Date: March 2, 2022

Roll up, roll up for E1 of S4 of Three Bean Salad in which Luke of Hertfordshire directs the beans towards the topic of dinosaurs. Tune in as hitherto unplumbed depths of ignorance are brought to the surface and listen to the beans discover they don’t know what they should know they don’t know about some of the basics.Get in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpodJoin our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansalad

Have you ever had to cry on camera, Mike? Hmm. I think I have, you know. Yes, I have. I have in a short film, in a tender moment in a short film. Oh! I think I had to mist up a little. And did you, um, did you call on painful memories?

No. What do you channel? I have a heart of ice. So what I did was just not blink. Yes, there's nothing there, is there? Yeah. I simply didn't blink for a bit. The Stanislavski technique is, it can't work on you, can it?

Because Stanislavski, the great acting guru. Yeah. As I understand it, had two main sort of concepts. For the revolutionized acting in the early part of the last century. One was channel your own inner pain and stuff. You know, if you're, for example, you're playing Macbeth, the situation you'll find yourself in as an actor is you'll go, have I been the king of Scotland?

So it's essentially two choices you can make at that point. If you have. Which many actors have, let's not forget. James McAvoy, particularly, was a rule of terror. Absolutely brutal. Well, I think he took a lot of his experience from filming The Last King of Scotland, which is about Eddie Amin, and he took a lot of that stuff.

Yes. Well, he thought that when he signed up for that job, he was becoming the king of Scotland. Well, that's why there's a lot of confusion over that whole film title. So in that situation, obviously, Mike is in trouble because he, as far as I'm aware, has never been the king of Scotland. Unless that's actually happened to you, then what you do is you look for the nearest experience

you've had in your own life to being the king of Scotland. And that's what you then channel. For me, it's probably being selected to be a scorer for the under-13s Crick 11. I think that's closest. I'll come to a sort of captaincy leadership role. Yeah. So essentially, that's how acting works.

Now, for Mike, yeah, no, so it's Stanislaski. So his two things were, one was, use your initial experience. And I believe it's Stanislaski who also said that if there's a play going on, no matter how good it is, if a live cat was to be released onto the stage, that's all anyone would look at and watch. Do you understand? Yeah.

Also works for a turkey or a snake. If they've got the correct acting training, yes. Even a moth with the right lighting, immensely distracting. Well, that's how so much theatre lighting was invented, was trying to light Stanislaski's moths. And if you've read the book, Stanislaski's Moths, you'll know all about that.

But that was where the whole thing of the roving spotlight. Yeah. The best backlit, aren't they? The paradox with the moth, of course, with lighting moth, is that the moth will be drawn to the light itself. At that point, what you're then doing is projecting a massive silhouette of a moth onto the wall of the theatre.

And that was the beginning of cinema, wasn't it? The first audience has shrieked and terror and evacuated at the building, didn't they? Yeah. Because they thought there was a megaboth. They thought there was a megaboth in the building. Trying to break through the walls. So, hang on.

So, Stanislaski's principle is, number one, try and access your inner pain. Number two. Yeah. Well, number two, I think the point he was making was, and I think it is a bit of a... You've got to be more entertaining than a cat. You've got to be more entertaining than an actual cat.

And that, I think, you know, it's a bit of a... I think actors find that a bit insulting. It's a bit... Do you think that's why Lloyd Webber made cats as a kind of loophole as the ultimate safety measure? It was sort of dark. He was trying to double bluff.

He was so riddled with paranoia that a cat would steal his thunder. Yeah. He said, what if the cast are cats? What if I make a lane page into a cat? And that's why to this day, you know, cats are not allowed to buy... Well, not able to buy tickets for West End shows

or even Fringe Theatre. And why they've removed all the cat flaps from stage doors. The point he was making, I think, was that, you know, you've got to make it real as an actor. Yeah. So if you're on stage, you know, using lots of bombast and pomp, and, you know, my usual tools,

the two heartiest and most dependable arrows in Mike's quiver. Bomb and bombast. Alongside dancing and blue jokes. You have the two arrows. Sometimes I'll fire all four at the same time. Bombastic pompous blue dance. You know the show's going really bad.

He's losing the audience. If he has to pull that out, that'll be... You're in... You know, I'm panicking. So that's right. So where it's the cat, you see, is being authentic. The cat is being truthful to itself, no matter what it's doing.

But whatever it's doing, that'll be more compelling than, you know... In my acting. In Mike's acting. That's what Stanislavski said, wasn't it? Yeah. Even the greats, you know, are Michael Ball. Whoever it is, the audience will just be...

I think that's... I think it's true. The audience will be going, what the fuck's that cat doing here? Yeah, that's the thing. It's because it's not meant to be there, isn't it? That's why it's... Yeah, because I think you could also argue, probably,

equally, that if you went to a cat show... Yeah. And... And Mike turned up and started licking his own anus. Uh-oh. Lewed content warning. Lewed content. Lewed content.

I draw the eye. Yeah, exactly. So I think actually the point works both ways. Which is why it's so clever. Yeah, which is why to this day Stanislavski is such a... such a towering figure in all of our lives. So I can't remember how we got onto that. I can't remember how we got onto it either.

Oh yes, that's it. The point I was making was that Mike, of course, has no history of emotional experience at all to draw on. Because he is the man of granite. The tin man.

He is the tin man. So this is series four. Blimey, mate. Who'd have thought? Who'd have thought we'd be recommissioned again? It's amazing how much there... Yeah, it's amazing to be up for series four, isn't it? I mean, how many things get a fourth series?

And I like to think that one day we might even have it so that it says S-401 and stuff on the actual episodes. Do you want that? You'd like that? I want that, yeah. And actually, I'm saying that,

I'm trying to say it in a slightly passive-aggressive way because it's been a bit of a bugbear of mine for a while. OK, hang on. Let's start series four off with a bit of internecine pompadou beef. A bit of strife. I think internal bean strife might be the theme for this series.

I mean, season four is going to be obviously different. But we're different people now at Menthon. Like, the audience can't expect us to be the same people we were back in January. That's a good point. Ben said a haircut. I've got a haircut.

I've got a slight cold. And Mike's exactly the same. Well, Mike, another thing about Mike is, which may be linked to his inner granite nature emotionally, is that his cells don't reproduce. No. He's got the same cells. As I did the day I was born.

They just swelled slightly. They swelled. But most of us call ourselves reproduced don't we, so it's true. Like, actually, you're a different person, aren't you? Like, a year later or whatever. Is it every four years? Something like that.

Except for your brain. Oh, really? Your brain cells don't reproduce. Do they not? You're stuck with that. No. No. So if you get a few clunks on the bounce or

have a bit of a skin fall and kill a few of them. Oh, no. We're back. There's no replacements. Oh, God. That's it. It's just slowly whittling down. I feel like my brain now is more useful than it was

when I was born. Some would argue that when you were born, you had full wisdom because you were thinking without language. I was Stanislavski's cat. Exactly. I was a lane page in cats. But basically imagine a lane page which is covered in sort of blood and sputum.

So, no. Is sputum the right word? No. Why are we imagining that? I think Henry imagines I was born and then people started hocking up loogies and spitting them onto my... Spit onto the witch boy quickly. Blow your nose on his soft baby hair.

Quickly and crossed him in sputum so that Satan can't get back in. Quickly. Unless Satan's already in, in which case he's trapped in forever, but that's the risk you take with the sputum... With sputum husk. We'll be able to work it out. We'll be 66 or 77 years old.

If the devil's in or out. You could be just creating a sort of green sort of devil's igloo. So, Henry, sorry. I know that I'm dragging this back. Why do you want us to label each episode S401? I like for this one.

I think it's quite nice to go into the, you know, when you're looking at it in whatever app you use, if it says, you know, S401, series four, episode one, or series four, episode five. I've looked at that in the past when I've listened to true crime podcasts and stuff. You know, seven, episode 12, whatever.

And you felt good about yourself? I did, and we're just saying to people it's the fourth series, but, you know, what does that really mean, unless there's an S4 in there? Do you know what I mean? Because we don't have the benefit of an introductory credits. We could make one. We bloody could, couldn't we? Did we not try out the very first episode?

Did we? Or did we try it and then maybe we lost it? What did it say? I did know I certainly remember us having a go the first time and not particularly knowing what we were doing and knowing how to do it. Hey, everybody. Hi, welcome to Three Being Seven.

I'm Mike. Hello, I'm Henry. I think we tried, it was pretty agonizing stuff. I mean, I would still prefer that to the current way we start. It's just shambling nonsense. Obviously, look, the genre, the medium is evolving as we speak. That's why it's such a vital time to be alive, isn't it? And that we're at the forefront of this whole movement,

this brand new medium. It's like... A mere ten years behind some of the earliest podcasts. I mean, there hasn't been, I think, such a thrill running through society since the introduction, I would say, I think of Dot Matrix Printers in the late 80s, where it's changing the way people think. And, you know, you're either with it,

you're either Dot Matrix'd up, or you are... Bye-bye, Jimbo. You are... You're getting monks to write stuff out for you. Yes, actually. You're basically illuminating the letter I for a fortnight. Meanwhile, I've printed off a bloody dissertation. Do you know what I mean?

About the future. About the future and how important I'm going to be in it. But, you know, it's like... I suppose it's like the salons and cafes of Weimar Germany. Ideas are in flux. Mike is dressed as Hindenburg. The person or the... The airship.

Well, he's doing a sort of satirical dance where he's dressed both as the person and the airship. And it's a comment on the future of Germany. The moment currently you're feeling, Henry, that for the first time in the world's history, a man is able to sit on his ass on a chair in Chiswick and be at the vanguard of something. At the same time.

And the way to express that would be to put S4. Well, it's for one of... And if we don't do that, then it's not clear just what you're doing. For language, for ideas. A lot of people, you know, your tone is a little bit sarcastic there. I think a lot of people are probably quite sarcastic when

that guy put a urinal in an art gallery. Yeah? So, oh, yeah, putting a urinal in an art gallery. What does that mean? Well, we're still discussing it, aren't we? I sort of feel like in the world of podcasting, where Sarah Koenig's serial podcast puts a urinal in an art gallery,

three bean saladers pissing at it. And it ain't plumbed in, baby. But that's the thing, you know, you use the limits of your own medium where you express yourself. So, is it S403 or not becomes actually quite a big deal, potentially. So, can I just put forward my manner of thinking?

Yeah. When I uploaded the first episode, I had that decision to make. Do I put S1, E1? Yeah. Oh, that's it, yeah. Or do I leave it more ambiguous, more... It's evolving.

It's not something you can pin down. It's indivisible space. It transcends time. It transcends the idea of seasons. Okay. Oh, actually, that's interesting. A seasonal approach. We could call this season spring 2022.

Yeah. Spring. Spring. Early spring. Three bean salad. Look outside. What do you see? The crocuses are beginning to express their...

um, buds. The little... The um... The devils are a flutter. And the glorious, glorious worms. The worms. The worms are finally on the wing. Coming out of hibernation.

Flying right at you. Gather meat for their young. Massing around your nostrils and eyes. To try and seek a warm and moist place in which to cocoon themselves. For the next 45 years. Before expressing 20,000 eggs. The beautiful cycle of nature continues.

What's that you see in the neighbouring garden? Oh, the old lady who lives next door is entirely covered in ants. You can barely see her for all the ants. Scurrying over her. That's the only meal they'll need this year. And um... And they will also eat her clothes, her shoes.

But not her glasses. Those will be fought over by crows. Okay, it's time to turn on the bean machine and find out what the topic is for this week. Okie dokie. Bean machine. Okay, this week's topic is sent in by Luke in Hertfordshire. And it is...

Dinosaurs. Oh. Here's a sign of ageing. I over had a conversation the other day. And it was a guy saying... Yeah. They were talking about something that was like dinosaurs. And the guy went, yeah, it's like bloody Jurassic World.

Oh, no. That's a sea change, isn't it? That's a sea change. So what age was this person that Jurassic Worlded it? That was out a few years ago, was it? At least five years old now. Jurassic World. Well, I've lost track of the Jurassic's, but...

Yeah, that was his go to... And what they were talking about was something that... was likening to a specific moment in Jurassic World that doesn't happen in Jurassic Park. For example, Chris Pratt being able to control velociraptors with his hands. Is that happening? Well, I think someone was controlling something with their hands because they were in a restaurant.

Okay, so he was using his thought as cutlery. He may have been using his cutlery, and he may have been saying, bloody hell, this is like Jurassic World what I'm doing. A combination of hand manoeuvres and whistling. I've actually not seen Jurassic World. Is that what happens? Does he remote controls them using sign language? Sign language?

Or sign language. He doesn't use sign language. Yes, there's... Is it that he is a... Mike, I can't quite remember, but he has some skills. Like, is he a hunter or he's got horses at home? I think he possibly, yeah, he grew up with dogs. Yeah, he's got kind of...

He can talk to animals. He's a one with the animals. He's a muscular do little. Yes. Okay. To a degree. And he can do little, even dinosaurs, but not the big one. The T-Rex.

No, it's a T-Rex that they've somehow crossed bed with a bigger T-Rex and a frog. Is that right, Mike? There's definitely a frog involved. There is a bit of sort of genetic exposition at some point that I think the best thing to do is to just sort of tune out and chew back in, not to worry too much about it. When I went to the cinema, some texts came up saying,

this is the moment you can go to the toilet. Exactly. Won't change anything. Won't change anything. They'll just, you know... Yeah, but we felt we had to put it in. Yeah. She's got the mind of a frog.

There's only one way this T-Rex could be any more terrifying. That's if it had the mindset and general attitude of a frog. No! Don't you fools! You fools! I warned you! No! It was the one thing that humanity must never do

to give a giant lizard the general attitude, vibe and approach to things of a frog. What the hell's in this bucket, Reinhardt? What's in this bucket? It's tad dinosaurs, isn't it? Tell me the truth now. The tad Rexes are coming! Oh, look, that glass of water.

It's slightly shaking a little bit. Is that because a T-Rex is approaching? No. It's something far worse than that. Look into the glass of water. There's three tad Rexes frolicking. No! Tyrannosaurus spawn.

Why are these T-Rexes suddenly trying to cross major roads? Because they've got the mindset of a frog, you fool! So I think the story in Jurassic World, Henry, although I can't remember, it wasn't... It was quite a good fun. I enjoyed it. It was that they thought this time they could do it safely. So they went back and went...

We should be fair as a strong argument, isn't it? Well, this time we'll be careful. I think that's it, isn't it? Michael, they sort of go, yes, there was a huge disaster, but we've worked out how to deal with this. Yeah, they raise the hubris stakes. Yeah.

They make the same mistakes all over again. I think the main safety element, they... I think it's railings, is it? More railings. It was a combination of railings, and there were no more soft-top cars going around. No more open jeeps. Everyone was in a glassy pot.

That's right, they were in like a glass sphere. Yeah. Also, a five-minute just safety talk before you go on the ride, like they do at Monkey Kingdom. Have you been to that? And you have to wear the high-visibility tabards as well, and sturdy shoes. Yeah.

I've never been to Monkey Kingdom, Henry. Oh, it's called Monkey Kingdom, or Apevania, or like... or like Gorilla Land or something. It's a thing where you take kids, and they go... I went there with my nieces once, and they attach you to bits of rope.

Go away. They know this. Go away, and you walk around. They're all over the place. And you walk around in the trees. Someone has to say, OK, guys. Yeah, exactly.

Right, so look, trees are not toys. These trees, you might think these trees are more scared of you than you are of them. That's actually not... It shouldn't be true. You should be more afraid of them than they are of you. Their bark is worse than their bite, because they can't bite.

Some barks will give some people a rash. Usually not. Now, go out, enjoy yourselves within reason, and enjoy the gentle wisdom of these static, but yet very much alive... Pre-tables, pre-wardrobes. For millennia, humanity has enjoyed a truce with the tree people. They will remain static,

and will provide a tithe, a certain percentage of their population for us to use as wardrobes. Psy-tables. In exchange, all they ask is that we put some of their children in straight plastic tubes. Now, just... Now, go and enjoy yourselves. That guy.

Yeah, he would have been there. Yeah. You'd need him. He would have been there. Yeah, running the theme park, definitely. And then, I think, I don't want to spoil the film for you or any of our listeners. So, if you haven't seen Jurassic World, look away now.

Things don't quite go to plan. What? Yeah. Uh-oh. Yeah. Which is a real shame, because I am ready now for a movie where everything just goes to plan. I know what you mean, actually.

Well, it's all just absolutely fine. So, the horror film where people don't take the shortcut? Yeah, of course not, because it's very poorly lit. There are rumours of, I don't know, man leopards on the loose. And they make sure they've got plenty of fuel in the car and a bottle of water and a fully charged phone. So, there'll be a lot of films where people decide to stay in an ibis.

Rather than risk it. Yeah, it goes to go the next day when it's light. Yeah. Yeah. Or watch a film where people act the way that I live. Please. Hey, kids. Why don't you come and stay in my cabin in the woods?

It's fine. Don't stay in your car overnight. Come in my cabin. No, thanks. We'll stay in the car. Airbnb ratings are appalling, so no thank you. And actually, there is an ibis. If we just go back a mile, there's an ibis.

We're just going to go to the ibis. £59, 24-hour vending machine. Yeah. So, yeah, you enjoy the cabin, but where? Where off? Yeah. End of film? End of film.

Lovely. Even other genres it could work for. So, there's a serial killer on the loose. This person seems to be a real freak. He's doing really some really, really grim stuff to people. You're on the case. And he's like, you know, I've actually decided I'm going to just take a couple of weeks off and just check into an ibis instead of researching this case.

And, you know, he's in the ibis. He gets to use all the ibis facilities. Just has a good solid couple of weeks. So, you'd watch what you'd watch. It's a really decent shower. Yeah. So, you'd watch him showering, having breakfast. Yeah.

He's got some channels that he can't get at home. He goes down to the desk and he says, oh, the little shower gel dispensers out of shower gel and they say, we'll send someone up. He's run out of tiny milks. They give him some more, you know, to dream come true. And then he opens the wardrobe. It's full of tadrexes. Tadrexes?

No. No. It's infiltrated. You've ruined it. They've infiltrated the ibis system. They've infiltrated a different genre. They've crossed genre. I think that, you know, like, the amount of, I think it's, you know, we all agree now that

essentially culture has ended. We're now in a never-ending repetition of just franchises. It's all franchise-based. It's what we wanted. It's the Pratomage airfication of culture that's happened. So we're now in, you know, this guy said to his friend, I overheard, going, you know, it's like Jurassic World. You know, that's how we're going to measure time now is in terms of where in the franchise

you place that off. Cycles, recastings and rebootings. Exactly. It's rebooting. It's not here as it's rebooting. Is that what it is? Yeah. So in the future, people will go, which Spider-Man cycle did you grab in?

Exactly. I'm an Andrew Garfield child. I'm a Mike Wozniak. Oh. Hello. From my doomed early 80s Spider-Man reprisal. Yep. Which we don't talk about very often, but.

But we do know a lot of the listeners are here because of that. Yep. Yep. And you still have to turn up at the... The commons. The comic-cons and stuff. The commons that you make. And there was no special effects back then.

So I still have the Spider-Bytes cars. And you still, I believe, have a sack of spiders of which you birth several thousand spiders a year still, don't you? Yes. I take myself away to an ibis when that happens. Yeah. Very accommodating about it. Yeah.

They put me into a room with a sort of a wet room bathroom. Yeah. So it's easy to clear up. And so they've got somewhere to scuttle. Scuttle away. Yeah. They just ask that I change the ibis each time so that they're not all birthed in the same location.

And it's a lovely spring thing, isn't it? Because that's another thing of spring. Because it won't be long now, will it? Is it round about now? The spring bursting. Yeah. No way. It's probably...

I think it's probably going to be a bit earlier this year than usual. Yes. So I'm expecting any day now. Is a fossil like an indentation left behind by something? Is it like a... Or is it actually a thing? Do you know what I mean? I thought it was the thing.

That's a good question though. I think it's that the bones... Oh, no, I'm about to reveal I've got no idea. I think the bones turn to something else, don't they? I don't know. I've lost... I can feel you losing confidence. But none of us started this confidently anyway, to be honest.

It's always disheartening when you discover a basic word that you felt that you understood the meaning of. Isn't it? And the smallest bit of scrutiny reveals that actually there's no understanding at all. We've got an email, the sort of about this. Oh, yeah. Yeah. This is from David from Belfast.

Okay. He doesn't describe us as three dinosaurs, does he? I'm not ready to hear that email yet. So, basically, he says that there was something lacking in season three. Oh. Which I thought was a bold way to start an email. Well, okay, can I just preempt this and say why don't you just go and fuck yourself? Yeah?

Maybe that was what was missing. Was you... I wish you'd been a barrister, Henry. A ruling wish in the highest course of the land. Every single time your adversary objected to something. I would love to see that. An objection. The council has again asked me to fuck myself.

It's literally wasting everyone's time. Counter-objection. He's not fucking himself. I don't want to fuck himself. He doesn't fuck himself. Sustained. And he's to go and... He hasn't even gone.

He's to go and fuck himself. There's various places he could go. He'd go up near the jury. He could go up his own ass to fuck himself. He could go up his ass to start with and fuck himself out. Back out. His ass, for example. It would have been...

He writes. Okay, so it's been preempted by Henry. I feel more relaxed now. Yeah. Let's hear it. I couldn't help but note something that was attached lacking in season three. Okay. Literally couldn't help.

He couldn't help, could he? But notice it. Did he try to help but notice it? I reckon he maybe could have helped but notice it. Okay. I'm going to put that out there. So, I couldn't help but note that something was attached lacking in season three. That is, the lack of fresh, new, fresh, clean and fresh jingles to delight our bean filled ears.

Really? We did receive the Penetrating Patreon jingle, where to this day I find Ben's ominously foreboding urge that it's time to pay the ferryman popping into my head at literally any opportunity. It's time to pay the ferryman. Well, that's working wonders, isn't it? That's the idea. It should be an earworm.

A little bird has told me that P&O Ferries may be on the verge of signing a deal to use that as part of their website offering. Well, so you click on to P&O.com and it goes, it's time to pay the ferryman. Well, at the point where you select your journey times and then... It gives you directions to the ferry of the dead. Gives you directions to the ferry of the dead. Which today is going to Cherbourg. Have fun with our ghoulish undead crew.

It'll all be a last journey over the River Styx death themed ferry ride. To not remember. P&O Ferries is not liable if this ferry does sink and actually becomes a real, as well as metaphorical, ferry of the dead. I can tell you're getting more of these VO's. You're getting very silky. Especially the silky metaphorical terms and conditions. Well, it's all about making that last syllable rich and smooth.

It's all about the last syllable. It doesn't matter what the first syllables are. The first syllables can be really aggressive and nasty and horrible, but as long as the last syllable is rich and smooth. That's all anyone remembers. It's the last syllable. You really notice that with the smooth VO types. That last syllable is like having the warm hands of a really great GP.

Holding on to your perineum. I'm feeling their hot breath asking you to cough. That hot breath travels up your urethra. Bubbles through the piss in your bladder. It feels like you're a champagne flute. Exactly. It's experiencing champagne from the flute's point of view. It's incredible.

Mike, I can't remember if you ever worked as a GP, but you obviously were a doctor. Did you ever employ the smooth final syllable when giving bad news, for example, or only if I was trying to sell something at the same time? OK. So it might be a good idea for you to get a neck brace. It does take the edge off, doesn't it? So anyway, let's bear in mind, so he thinks we need more jingles.

I'm up for that. And in fact, I was thinking maybe if listeners have ideas for jingles that we need to maybe come in with some suggestions. Anyway, now let's bear in mind the way that Henry reacted to the opening paragraph, which was fairly... I'm sorry to say, Henry, it was fairly innocuous. He's punching it down claws by claws so far. Yeah, well, this clause is going to set the night on fire. While we're listening to the podcast,

I realized there was a consistently recurring theme that surely must require its own jingle to punctuate each occasion it returns. That is the phenomenon of the Henry blind spot. He's furrowing his brow. I can see Henry furrowing his brow. Whether it be forgivable, e.g. not knowing that octopuses have beaks. Can I say, I still don't know that octopuses have beaks.

Carry on. And I will defend my right to not know that. Henry, listen to me. Octopuses have beaks. You can say that as much as you like, but for me to know it, I would have to be pecked by an octopole. Ignorance is a right. Carry on.

OK, so you think some of your blind spots are forgivable? Quickly. Cars have blind spots. Cars, I think, we can agree are pretty good. There's this thing called climate change. People are talking about cars. That's a bit of an issue, actually, whether or not cars are just good. OK.

Henry's mindset is very much he's got a 50s diner. Nature is just bringing him a burglar and roller skates as he sits in his car. Ideally, petrol-powered automatic roller skates. So this guy, I suppose, thinks that cars should have a kind of big glass dome on top of them, should they, and not have any kind of metal infrastructure. He doesn't necessarily know what this guy thinks,

because we haven't finished his letter yet. OK, carry on. So he says they go from the forgivable, to the downright mystifying, the difference between Celcius and Fahrenheit were indeed rugs and carpets. That was fairly mystifying. OK.

He says, I want this to be clear. This is not a Henry Bollocking. I don't condemn these blind spots. I simply marvel at them. So the reason I'm reading this out, Henry, is that I think David is wrong. I think we all have blind spots. We all just can confidently say what a fossil is.

Exactly. And so maybe there is a jingle out there to be made for when we hit our blind spots. So I will work on that, and we'll have one for a future episode. Also, as I said, if you've got ideas for jingles, do send them in. I mean, dinosaurs are a bit of a blind spot, I'd say, for me.

I mean, is it real? I mean... You don't buy it? It has always felt a bit farfetched to me, because it's just so... This is the Joe Rogan stuff we need to be doing. It's so easy to commodify for children,

for children, for children, for children, for children, it's so marketable to children as an idea. Gigantic lizards. But that doesn't really make sense. It doesn't followed, is it?

Gigantic sort of terrifying lizards are the things that children really go mad for. You're right, they've been a surprising hit. I don't think any of the people that invented it in the 1950s expected them to be as successful as they've been. Which you're assuming is a sort of stationery and backpack company? Yeah, I think. Smiggle.

I think you think dinosaurs were invented by Smiggle? Smiggle? Smiggle? Smiggle. I don't know what Smiggle is either. Smiggle is a... Is this another case of, which happens quite a lot of, of Mike confusing a small ex at a shop? Assuming it's a global mega chain. He's talking about Mrs. Smiggle, who makes bags in the

people come from all over the... Mrs. Smiggle's pencil shop. People come from Plimpton to go to Smiggle around these parts. To go to Smiggles? Yeah. Obviously, I've seen people coming in from Credits and taking the day off to come to Smiggle. We had another email, which was another suggestion for a, for a

jingle. Basically, I can't, I can't find the email. Basically, someone was saying there needs to be a provincial dad jingle for the times where Mike displays a sort of provincial dad mindset. Yeah. Mike, do you have any steer about what kind of genre of music I should be using for this jingle? Route one, possibly, but I think has to be hard 80s dad rock. Yes, please.

Giving way rapidly into some provincial folk music of the Shires, please, Ben. Oh, nice. It's time for Provincial Dad Chat. Who's hid my bloody walking boots? I'm not saying it's ruined the holiday. I'm just saying I asked for rum raisin. Gage escapes on kids, otherwise we'll miss the inflatable

session. She's taking her mother to see blood brothers, which means more top gear time for me. Why would I need to go and see a podiatrist? Of course, I've kept the warranty information, darling. Okay, time for some emails. Thank you to everyone who's emailed. We've, we've got quite a lot because we get quite a lot of

inter series emails. So between C's series three and this one series four, we've put a bit of a backlog. So because we take a break, but the boys and girls in the post room are working solidly throughout that period, aren't they? Yeah. And of course, bollocks never sleep.

Well, we could start with the bollocking, if you'd like. Let's go out the way. Let's have bollocking of the week. Accessing listener bollocking. Bollocking loading. Bollocking loaded. Well, we've had a lot of emails actually where people, I think they're wary of, of setting a bollocking in motion because

they've heard what, what happens. They've heard how Henry reacts. Yeah. Um, so we've had a lot of emails, we will say, well, this isn't necessarily a bollocking, but then when they go on to, uh, let's see, pussyfitting around a little bit. Yeah. So totally sandwich.

So this is Bill Hughes from, uh, near Seattle in the USA. The subject of the email is a non-bollocking query verging on chastising. Okay. A bollocking by any other name. Smells a sweet, I think. There by the grace of God, bollock eye. Yeah.

It's, um, yeah. If it looks like a bollocking, walks like a bollocking, talks like a bollocking, sounds like a bollocking, it's a bollocking. Yeah. The bollock, the bollock door has been closed, but the bollocks have already bolted. Dear beans, writes Bill. I'm writing to ask what your intentions were.

When you introduced the USA audience to the substance slash condiment, Brunston Pickle. In several early episodes, you're an enthusiastic and frequent mention of Brunston Pickle left the impression that you beans and possibly all Brits are quite fond of it. So finally I ordered and received some to try for myself. Okay. I started by applying it liberally to a turkey sandwich.

And the result was that the taste of the sandwich was completely subsumed by the taste of Brunston Pickle. That's what it does. Yes. Yep. First step, correct. Then he tried a sandwich with only a light dusting of Brunston Pickle.

Same result. Yep. Yeah. Or everything checks out so far. Yeah. It's a binary product. There is no such thing as a light dusting. It's on or it's not on.

And when it's on, that's what you taste. It's ones and zeros. Then he says he had a cheese sandwich, which was transformed into a Brunston Pickle sandwich. No matter what I tried it on, the taste was completely obliterated by the taste of the Brunston Pickle. Yeah, I've strung to see what the problem is. He's got his food vector.

You don't need it neat. That would be uncouth. You put it on some sort of vector and shovel it in. Yeah. He writes, is Brunston Pickle really meant to cover up the taste of food that has gone rancid? Does it kill any bacteria or microbes at the same time it destroys the taste?

Why does Brunston Pickle exist? And why have you suggested that we eat it? Bill from Seattle. I would simply refer Bill. To the answer, to the question of Bill's email, I would refer him to everything he wrote in the build up to the question at the end, that that's the answer. He already holds the answer.

He holds the answer. He holds the Brunston Pickle in his mouth. That there implies the truth. He's got a pot of the answer in his fridge. The strong, crunchy, vinegary flavor. It doesn't just obliterate the taste of your cheese or turkey sandwich, it obliterates everything. It's the ultimate mindfulness.

Yeah. You can't think or sense anything else apart from the Brunston Pickle in your gob. So it's like you reset back to factory settings and then on with the rest of your day. It's about being in the moment. As you say, Mike, it's about mindfulness. It's about being in the now.

What is cheese? What is the flavor of cheese? Just observe it. Cover it in Brunston Pickle. It's now taste of Brunston Pickle. Flavor of turkey, Brunston Pickle. Everything is one pickle. One pickle.

One pickle. Sharon emails. Now, this is in response to us talking about going on tours of factories. We asked people if they've been on factory tours, where have they been and had they enjoyed it. She writes, I myself, many years ago, went on a tour of the Baxter Soup Factory in Spacys, Scotland.

Unfortunately, the soup being manufactured that day was cock-a-leaky. The smell enveloped every inch of the building. And while standing on a platform overlooking the cooking vessels, I was overcome and momentarily passed out. She finished by saying, I still had to pay for my own soup and roll in the cafe. Sharon from Guildford.

It's funny, I've actually had a phase in between the two series, the last suit series is, I've had a phase of getting into Baxter Soups weirdly. The royal game, I wouldn't want to be there on a royal game day. What does that mean? What is royal game? Oh, it's one of the Baxter Soups, because I've been getting

into them recently. So they do, the ones I like. You don't want to see the antlers being tossed into the and the minor royals. The less useful hounds. You don't want to see jukes and antlers being pulverised. No, if you're there on the day when the footmen go in, it's pretty horrific, especially if they're doing a chunky soup.

No, thank you. Carriage wheels. Is there really a soup called royal game? Yeah, there is. It's called royal game. It's a dark brown soup with little sort of flecks of hide, flecks, flecks of hide and hoof. Whitney emails.

This is an exciting email. Whitney says, Hello Beans. This isn't a bollocking unless it's a bollocking of myself. Auto bollocking. I'm from Mississippi and I'm extremely susceptible to mimicking speech patterns. This podcast has led to my adopting far too many British expressions.

Between Yoll and my daughter constantly watching Peppa Pig, I sound like I'm involved in an absurd plot to trick the government into deporting me. I don't know that you can fully appreciate how absolutely ridiculous it sounds with someone from the deep south to say a right bollocking. I don't know, is it even possible in a Mississippi accent? Well, I have therefore attached an audio file of me saying it.

Oh, yes, please. So I can send this to you. That's good. I just feel like in solidarity for my plot, saying is how I get a right bollocking if I accidentally use the expression a right bollocking. I think that y'all should have to introduce the word y'all in the y'all's vocabulary because I think you'll get a pretty similar

reaction. Oh, yes. That was amazing. Oh, that's superb. That was rush. That was superb. You know what? It sounded, it actually sort of weirdly sounded right.

You're like a right bollocking. It sounded perfect. It sounded great. You've got a lovely accent Whitney. I love that. Yeah, that is super. Anything sounds nice in that accent. That's a rich, rich accent.

Oh, if Baxter's could make that into a soup. The right bollock soup. Mississippi bollocking soup. I think y'all is quite, y'all is quite. Yeah. So she writes, I feel that in solidarity, y'all should have to add the word y'all to your vocabularies. I find it very hard to sort of say even y'all, y'all, y'all, you or you or you all.

Yeah, we don't bother with plural. Plural. It's Y-A-P-O-S-F-E-A-L, is it? Y'all, y'all, y'all. Should we, should we be using ye, y'y, y'y then? Would that be an easier fit than y'all? Wasn't ye our old, the old, the old y'all back in the day? Was it?

What's that is? That is like you informal singular, like two or do. Is it? What is it? You know, like lots of languages have an, have an informal and a formal way of saying you in the singular. Ustedes. Usted.

Exactly. So that would be the formal. Yeah. I think the two version would be, would be thou, I think. And what's thee? Uh, I think that's the formal one, isn't it? Yeah. Although if you start calling people thou, I don't think people are going to

accuse you of being, of being too informal now. Hear ye, I think you just hear, hear you all. Actually, I think Ben, for example, Ben, next time you're having some trouble, I'm talking about times in life when you have to address more than one person. I'm thinking, Ben, next time you're having some trouble with it, with a group of teenagers, maybe if they're being noisy on a train or something, you go to them and go, look, look, silence ye, or try, try it more, more, more informal. Like, look, guys, I, look, I know ye are young, ye are just trying to have a good time.

And look, I used to be like ye, not that long ago, but I was one of ye. But if you could please just, just use headphones and don't have the volume out playing music on ye phones. Okay. Well, maybe Whitney, that's what we do instead of, because I don't think we're going to make it all the way to y'all. It's not, it's not sitting well, really. But maybe if we start saying ye, or maybe someone can clarify our these and our

vowels and our ye's and our use somewhere. The other American one I quite like is folks, or you folks, I think. I do find that quite adorable. And folk instead of people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's quite homey, isn't it? It's quite homey, but some, it's not always used in a homey way by Americans,

because sometimes it'll be like, I'm going to get out there, I'm going to tool up, and I'm going to kill some folks. Yeah, you hear that a lot? You do. I don't think people have ever said that. Time to drop some folks. I'm going to smoke some folks. I think folks tends to be more positive, doesn't it?

I'm going to be the last folk you ever see. I'm going to be the last folk ye ever see. Y'all. And Whitney signs off. Y'all's Mississippi Butterbean, Whitney. What, I mean, that's spectacular. And then the other thing that we had a lot of emails about was our discussion of the concept of opposites.

Specifically, Henry's claim that up is not the opposite of down, because they have more in common than they have difference. Someone managed to clear that up. Lots of emails, as I say, but this one is from Luke in Cork. He says, Henry is surely correct when he states that up and down are in some sense alike, but it is this likeness, alloyed with their difference, that makes them opposites. For two things to be opposites, they must be conceptually linked in some way, and yet have some sort of mutually contradictory effect.

Therefore, the opposite of salt would not be pepper, but sugar. The opposite of a bollock is an ovary. And so the opposite of a bollocking must be an ovation. And the opposite of the three bean salad podcast must be Sarah Koenig's cereal. A single woman's conjecture founded in fact, as opposed to many men declaiming truth based on rambling nonsense. Yours, Luke in Cork. Oh, bloody hell, too shay, Luke in Cork.

It's a lot to take in. He sees us. Can I say that was, I mean, in a way, you know, if it had to end, I'm glad it ended cleanly. Luke has beaten us. Yeah, Luke's won. We've lost. Clean.

I always said, make it quick when the end comes. And that's it. We're done. So Luke now becomes the host of. He becomes the bean. He becomes the bean. Luke bean salad. It's our suggestion for working title.

Yeah. So he takes on the, all the responsibilities. The maintenance of the bean machine. And the insurance costs. Maintenance of the bean machine. He has the, he owns the copyright for the logo. And all the bean art that's been produced so far. He can now sell us non-fungible tokens.

Yeah. Now the slight sting in the tail, of course, is the debt and the debt package. Yes. So we, we've always known that one of our lessons would eventually destroy us. We thought it'd be spurbs. We thought it would be spurbs. Yeah. Spurbs has been quiet lately.

But we've put into place a series of financial measures whereby our debts are transferred to Luke now. Unfortunately, Luke will, does have a pretty huge VAT bill. And he will have to do Brazilian national service at some point. Something we've been putting off for a long time. And he'll have to do it for three people. So he'll have to do army, navy and ground admin. Because they don't have an air force, do they?

In Brazil. They, they stick to admin instead. Their philosophy is nothing that can be achieved with air force, which can't be achieved with good enough ground admin. Really, the amount of debt he's now saddled with puts him in a position where he could relieve himself of that debt. He has options. For example, he could try to have himself declared as a.

Out of warranty. As an out of warranty electrical item. What sort of return himself to John Lewis? He can claim he's a prototype for the most ambitious dual-it toaster so far and try and return himself to John Lewis whereby he and all his debts will become subsumed into the John Lewis mega debt. Obviously John Lewis, because of the incredibly generous returns policy they've been running for decades.

The amount of money they owe to LaCruce alone. Eclipse is American national debt. Many times over. So that's one of his options. Another option is to declare himself a food. Obviously there's no VAT on food. Food isn't taxable. It is.

Because Henry, you're scathing dangerously near to the old Jeffer Cakes cake or biscuit. The court case should be Luke, human or BAP. She'll have to fight that case for years. So it could be that what ends up being his easiest option is to revert ownership of bean salad back to us. Well, that would be the easiest thing. Yeah. Absolve himself of those responsibilities.

Agree that it's not that we're wrong and he's right so much as there is an what we would call an unresolved pending fact vortex. So in a way, the podcast becomes like the free city of Danzig set up in the vatrici of Versailles in that nobody really owns it. Exporting quite a lot of tripe. It's not only by anyone and we're exporting huge tons and tons of tripe, canned of tripe across the world. Yeah, which is not a terrible metaphor.

And then we're sort of back to where we were before you started reading his email out. And I think what I want to say to Luke is if he agrees to that course of action, him not emailing us again, that'll be a tacit go ahead for that. So he won't even notice it happening probably, but he will for a short time own the podcast, have the dirty, but he won't notice. Exactly. So we can pre-revert ownership back to ourselves now in a way. All he has to do actually is do nothing now.

It's really easy for him. Well, so I mean, watch this space, dear listeners. Could be a very different episode this time next week. It could be considerably improved. Yeah. If it's one bean salad featuring Luke. I mean, I'd really, I'd really enjoy listening to that personally. Then I'd say, first thing I'd say is good luck.

Second thing I'd say is the Brazilian military make their beds in a very, very specific way. And the Sao Paulo corners are very hard to get run. Yeah. And if you do repeatedly get the Sao Paulo corner wrong, then it won't so much be a case of you enjoying your downtime on the Copacabana. So much as you being summarily executed. In a metal hut. So yeah, good luck.

Right. Thanks to everyone for their emails. It's now time to take a short trip to the Sean Bean lounge. If you want ad free, three bean salad episodes, or you want to access our bonus episodes, then you can do so at patreon.com forward slash three bean salad. And those who join at the Sean Bean tier get entrance to the Sean Bean lounge, where we were last night. And in fact, it was actually the annual spring awards gala. And here's Mike with a report.

Round up from the Sean Bean lounge, spring awards gala, also known as the bean skins, also known as the golden bean awards. Also known as Jenna Richardson. Matt DiPros caused a stir on the red carpet by wearing Lawrence Keynes on account of Lawrence not being a designer, but a strapless man. Scheduled host Spuds Malone cancelled last minute after putting a hoodie on backwards and getting stuck. Mercifully, Joe Threadle and his home school circus

was able to step in and host the ceremony to wider claim. And narrow Tommy Seddon had been squashed in the lift door. Hannah Haskell won the award for smallest flash mob. Charlie Markley took home the big blueberry. And Malcolm Smith was the longest Malcolm in his category. For his contribution to beans, Tom McCann was awarded a lifetime supply of Sean Bean. Liz Cole was declared the Duchess of Now,

and Steve Hayes was accidentally given away in a goodie bag. Joseph Jones, Best Fingers, Matt T, Best in Show, Dawn, Best of the Best, and Tori Vaz, Best Effort. Euclidean Panthers won the discretionary Euclidean Panthers award, leading Belinda L to cry foul, accuse the committee of nepotism, and throw an egg so hard it still hasn't landed. Best Ian with two eyes went to Ian Alexander, who opined movingly in his speech

that the category B renamed simply Best Ian, as he was aware of at least one Ian who didn't apply for the award, as despite spelling his name with two eyes, thought his eye patch made him ineligible. Angela Lillis banked the Lifetime Achievement Award for the seventh year running, and James Scott won the Lifetime Underachievement Award. But having received that award,

which has technically classified an achievement, was immediately declared ineligible and had to return it. That in turn made him re-eligible for the award, which was re-awarded, the process continuing long into the night, and is believed to be ongoing at this time. Congratulations, one and all, except the losers. Okay, time to work out whose theme tune, or whose version of our theme tune,

is going to play out at the show. There's 14, so we've got 14 submissions. So, one of you give me a number between one and 14, and that will determine which jingle is playing us out. I'm going to do something you're probably not expecting. Say one. Okay, so this is from Paddy Cole. Paddy's from Brighton.

Paddy writes, here is my version of the Bean theme done in a DreamPop style. Mm-hmm. Thank you, Paddy. Oh, he also writes, in response to your request for tour experiences, I once went on a tour of a bread factory in Vienna. We were all given white baker's hats

and a hessian sack full of rolls at the end. Such a factory. Well, thank you, Paddy. So, thank you, Paddy, for sending in your theme tune. We'll play that out at the end of the show. And thanks to everyone for listening. Thanks, everybody. Cheerio.

Thanks. Bye. Bye. You