Three Bean Salad - Sandwiches

Episode Date: October 12, 2022

This week in Three Bean Salad starring Henry Paker, Mike Wozniak, Benjamin Partridge, Neil of Bremen suggests Henry Paker and co tackle a subject close to Henry Paker et al’s heart - sandwiches. Included in this episode of Three Bean Henry Salad Paker with Henry Paker: Henry Paker ably interrogates second fiddle Benjamin Partridge on economical sandwich sourcing, Henry Paker discusses Mike “podcast linesman” Wozniak’s thoughts on sandwiches for him and Henry Paker tells a pakeresque story from the past of Henry Paker featuring Henry Paker.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladGet in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

This week, guys, I am, I, so I follow some, some of the luminaries of the podcasting world on Twitter. Oh yeah. Do we talk? Movies and shakers, commentators, people on the inside. And when there's a woman I follow, I'm not quite sure what her job is, but she's like she writes about podcasting for something like the New York Times or something like that. And she was saying that her big tip for podcasts is to say the name of the podcast during the

podcast and also to say your own names. So why, why would she want us to keep saying three beans salad featuring Henry Packer, Ben Partridge, and Mike Bosnia? What, what would be the advantages? Because right now I, I don't see why I'd ever want to particularly mention three beans salad featuring Henry Packer, Bosnia, and Ben Partridge, or, or, or whatever you even say it. Let alone think.

It's interesting that you've gone for the order of Henry Packer, Mike Bosnia and Ben Partridge. Ben, so what was that? Interesting that I'm saying three, three beans salad featuring Henry Packer, Mike Bosnia and Ben Partridge. You definitely crystallized on that order of name. Well, okay. The reason I said three beans salad featuring Henry Packer, Mike Bosnia and Ben Partridge

is because that naturally came to me. It felt right. Doesn't that reveal something awful about the whole dynamic here? It might do. Having said that, it's better than three beans salad starring Henry Packer featuring Mike Bosnia and introducing Ben Partridge, which was the other option that I thought about. So is that, is that a thing which is, is that just to get it through to people's heads, like just sort of just imprint it into their brains?

Isn't it phenomenally insulting to the listener? I mean, because they already know that, right? If they're listening to the podcast, they already know, they already know what it is. I sometimes get that, Mike. When something is selling itself to me while I'm doing it, while I'm already experiencing it, I'll be like, I'm ready here, mate. Come with it. What are you talking about?

I'm ready in the restaurant. Why are you asking me if I want a dessert? I'm here. Do you know what I mean? So when you go to a restaurant and they say, welcome to Nando's, you say, I know where I am. Would you like some chicken? What do you think?

Three bean salad featuring, was it featuring Henry Packer, Mike Wozniak? Yeah, I mean, I'm in the middle of that proverbial shit sandwich, which I find particularly something. Maybe I'm going round to actually, because if my name is last, it's the last one you remember, isn't it? Yeah. It's the one you take away. That's it.

Yeah. I think the, yeah. The middle seat, I mean, no one wants the middle seat. No one wants the middle seat. Starring Henry Packer featuring Mike Wozniak. And guest starring again, Ben Partridge. And in memory of Ben Partridge. In a film, when the trailer or whatever says, and introducing so and so, is that to foreground

them or is that to take, to diminish them? Isn't it positive? Isn't it for sort of like angineuse, isn't that the idea for the young, the up and coming and the, you know, maybe the, I think it's a, I think it's viewed as an agent triumph. If they've managed to get your name and those opening credits rather than just buried in the, in the credits at the end, in the big list. And introducing. Yeah.

Timothy Chalamet. I think exactly. I think if you've got your own title card, you're doing all right. I've never seen Timothy Chalamet in a film, but apparently he's now the most famous and massive actor in the world. I've never. I've seen Timothy Chalamet. He's very good and he's very, very beautiful.

He. I saw him do that. Henry. No, that thing. That was me. Oh. I see. So I thought you were being betrayed by him.

You thought I was played by him, didn't you last week? Yeah. I thought it was uncanny. No. I just had quite nice lighting in my. Oh, yeah. Because there was a certain shimmer and sheen about, you know, a certain gloss. I know.

There is a. I thought, why has he got beast-tongue lips today? I was, I was intrigued. He does have, he does have beast-tongue lips, doesn't he? Seeping pus. A really nasty reaction to a beast-tongue lips. Swelling mech. I saw a strange reaction.

I saw a photo of him yesterday in Tesco's. Framed. As he bought out his own major pork pie. Shalamet-y. You've got to make hay and he understands that. The sun is shining on Charlemagne. Got to. So, yeah, I saw a picture of Charlemagne and.

By the way, Charlemagne is such a horse name, isn't it? Am I getting right? I'm not calling him Charlemagne, but it's not Charlemagne, it's Shalamet, isn't it? It's Shalamet, yeah. Shalamet. Which is a horse name. Which is it? Yes, it's the name of a, yeah.

Extremely loyal chestnut horse with a little white diamond down in the front of its nose. Shalamet, my prince, my sweet, sweet prince. Shalamet with my golden sword. They've taken Shalamet. No. Shalamet, come to me. Shalamet. Oh, Shalamet would run across mountain, oh, a meadow and field and ford to rescue you, wouldn't he?

Or to bring you word of the king. Oh, Shalamet. And would run himself to death. Oh, Shalamet. Oh, Shalamet. Retire him to the Mincer. To the Royal Mincer. Shalamet, what's that, Shalamet?

You want to come out of retirement and work a little bit, maybe do more of a part-time? You're already half in the Mincer, Shalamet. You all right? Oh, Shalamet, no. There's no option to do the circuit for you. No. Stop. Stop the Mincer.

Wait, wait, can we stop the Mincer? Stop. Shalamet. We've got the front half of Shalamet. Can we pantomime the back half of Shalamet? With Nicholas Lindhurst. With Nicholas Lindhurst. Played by Timothy Shalamet.

Yes, I was looking at Shalamet's face. He was on the front cover of a magazine in Tesco's. And his jaw shape is extraordinary. His face is absolutely extraordinary. He's got, as you say, he's got those beast-ung lips. He's got this incredibly... I was just absolutely mesmerized by his jaw. He's chin.

I think that's part of it, isn't he? He's mesmerizing. I almost thought it was too much. Because there are some people that look too good. Uh-huh. And I think Shalamet might be one of them. Is he one of those people where, if you saw him in real life... Exactly.

He was like, really, really weird. That's what I would think, exactly that, I think. The illusion of photography and of cinema filming, which is taking a 3D shape, which is a human face. Yeah. And putting it onto a 2D thing, which is a screen. Now, that, when you think about it, a screen, right, it's like a painting or a picture. It's flat.

Yeah. It's a flat representation of a 3D object. So unless you get one of those curvy tellies. Unless you've got one of those curvy tellies. On the screen, right, your ears are as close to the viewer as your nose. Yeah. Yeah. So for that to look amazing, because everything is flat.

So your ears, your shoulders, your chin, they're all equally, they're all an exact equal distance from the viewer. Yeah. The back of your stetson. Everything. The back of your stetson. Yeah. The muzzle of your revolver.

The front of your stetson. Yeah. The top of your pecs. The top of your pecs. In real life, if you imagine then a 3D version of that 2D thing. Because, of course, I'm a real person, Ben. Are you about to very slowly explain that in real life your nose is in front of your ears? Yeah.

I was coming for that. I think you can skip that bit. I like the way he said Ben as well, because he knew that Mike already knew that. Yeah. Well, Mike's industry. So, right. These are old industry secrets that Mike's all over this stuff, Ben. But the way to think of it is this, Ben.

The front of your nose is nearer to me. Not now, because you're on a screen. In Cardiff. Well, also, it depends which way you're facing. Are you facing southeast? Am I facing northwest? I don't know. I'm facing west, unfortunately.

So, at the moment, the back of your ears are closer to me than you know. So, that's a really bad example. Picture the angel of the north, say, it's facing south. Is it? Or does it ever face? What I'm saying is, essentially, the camera has to make a certain effort to turn your 3D face into a 2D object. I'm using metaphorical language, but there is a scientific truth behind it, which is,

it's having to bring your ears in line with your nose. So, that's an effort. It's squashing something down, in a way, visually. So, essentially, the less effort it has to make, the better the result will look. So, what I'm saying is, someone in real life whose face is naturally closer to being flat will look better on screen, because there's less, there's less facial gap to be compensated for. So, someone who's been pancaked in a saucepan accident.

For example. It looks better than the normal human being. But I think that is actually true. So, Chalamet, for example, if you saw his face, he will look a bit like, it's a bit like a flat fish. So, he's got the opposite of a horse face. He's actually got the opposite of a forehead. A horse, then, on camera must look absolutely awful.

That's why you often don't see a horse looking directly down the camera. You never do. Put them in profile. Yeah, they look dreadful. So, this week's topic, ascent in by Neil, from Bremen. Thank you, Neil. Is sandwiches. Sandwiches.

We've certainly touched upon sandwiches. Well, we have. Our finest sandwiches. Ben, you regaled us with the tale of the finest sandwich of your life once. Ah, yes. Yes, yes. It was in southern Italy. Wasn't that me?

Yeah. Yeah, that was me. Well, yeah, they knew it as well. But yeah. Yeah. Mine was from a service station initially. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I tried to one-up the boy saying that you'd had a sandwich.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd eaten it from the... Arms of angels. Introducing Ben Parker. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. Three bean salad. Three bean salad. Starring Henry Packer.

Ben Parker. Three bean salad. Henry Packer. Three bean. Ben Parker. Henry Packer. Three bean. Henry Packer.

Ben Parker. Henry Packer. And Timothy Chalamet. Featuring Timothy Chalamet. Brought to you by Chalamet's Pies. You might think my... You might think my chin is shallow smooth. But you haven't tried my Chalamet chicken mushroom leeks.

And... cabbage pies. Because, yeah. Have you done the Chalamet test? Where you rub, you put your hand through small curtains and you rub two things. One of them is my face. And the other one is my new smooth beef Wellington

and Parmesan spaghetti pie. Ready to eat. Ready to eat. Which one's smoother? Have you taken the Chalamet test? Obviously, I'm doing the Chalamet. I'm very busy, so if you're doing this test in Europe, Africa, Asia,

or anywhere on the outside of LA, it's not going to be me. It's going to be a local boy. A smooth, smooth local boy. Smooth, smooth local. I'm Chalamet. Have you done this Chalamet cabbage pie diet? I have.

And look at my jaw. It's incredible on camera. Although in the flesh, very confusing. Very confusing in the flesh, because you don't know which bits, everything is equally close to you. Chalamet pie. With the back of the pies, it needs to use the front of the pie.

The Chalamet's pies. Well, what we haven't heard is Mike's favourite sandwich of his life. Sorry, before Mike answers that. Yeah. I can answer it for him. By talking, by telling a story about myself and sandwiches, that might feature Mike,

because whenever anything's happened to me, might have been there, I always forget. I usually have been there. He often has been there. You just not remembered. Yeah. And Sashay Mike isn't here to discuss it with me. Oh, sorry.

I want to have the first word on Mike and sandwiches, please. Go for it. I associate Mike, and this happened at the live show. I think it was the live show. We've talked, we have actually discussed this on the podcast a long time ago in relation to bags, which is the Mike always has a bag,

and in it is always a tinfoil-wrapped, homemade, generic 1970s sandwich. I have upgraded slightly recently. Oh, have you got a lunchbox? There's no lunchbox, but you might. Is it early 80s sandwich now? You might see me instead of using tinfoil, you might see me using a beeswax wrap.

Oh, no. You've gone full exit a dad. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, no. I've got no respect for that at all. I've got no respect for that either. Also, come on, bees.

It's already a stretch for us to believe you make honey. Now they're making packaging. Honestly, it's getting too much. It's getting too much. Look, we all know it's some sort of weird conspiracy, but look, I'm happy just go with it and pretend they make honey. But they're getting arrogant now with this.

They make packaging as well. Candles, what else? Do you know what I mean? Now, by the way, this might be a first for the pod because you know when you watch a really good film or something or read a really good book, a thing will happen and then later on, you'll get another scene from a different perspective

and it's like, oh, it's the same but from a different. So now we're essentially, we're going around the same topic because before we talked about bags and how there's always a sandwich in it. Now we're back. We're talking about Mike's sandwich and it's obviously held within a bag, Mike's bag, so it was sort of back.

Strongly. Back, back, back. It's the Rashomon of podcast. It is. But Mike, and Mike, you had one of these the other day and sorry, it was in tinfoil, I think. I didn't think it was in tinfoil. And not only was it tinfoil,

it was kind of tinfoil that a generic home made 1970s style sandwich is always in, which is tinfoil that looks like it's been crinkled so much It's in its 30s. Anyway, it's multi-use, it's so crinkled. There's not a smooth, there's not a smooth bit on it. Do you reuse them, Mike? I think I have done in the past, you know.

We're in a climate emergency, guys. How often can you reuse a bee, a bee parchment? Oh, and forever, forever and ever. That's the beauty of the bee parchment. They just keep going. Is it not highly flammable? I don't know. I've never tried setting one light.

If you ever got in a car accident, it would explode. That would be what? Your sandwich. Would form a deadly sandwich fireball. I'd be blown to bits by cheese and pickle. No, but Mike, you've got this, and like, so I'm picturing, yeah, it's sort of, there's no, there's no, well, okay, this might be a bit hard,

but it'll be similar, it'll be like cheese. It'll be similar, it'll be cheese or tomato. It won't be cheese and tomato. It's a tomato sandwich. It's a very wet tomato sandwich that I've brought with me all the way from Exeter. It'll just be quite, it's quite a kind of a fairly austere, but at the same time, comforting sort of home,

but not fancy. We're talking basic bread, and often we're talking a kind of some sort of paste. It might be a crab paste. Sandwich paste. Sandwich paste. Meat paste. Lunch paste.

Breakfast paste. Yeah, it'll be a meal. Supper paste. It'll be some sort of meal paste. So like, lunch in a paste. And it'll just be a combination of different things you can have for lunch or mashed up. Yeah.

Is that, is that, is that fair? I will often turn up with a homemade sandwich. And an apple, and something that's very wholesome and very mic about it. I do, I, it's part of the, I spend quite a lot of time on the road, you see. Bobbing about here and there, and everywhere. And I think I hit a certain point quite a few years ago,

where I was sick to the back takes of your service station, mayonnaise based sandwich. I couldn't handle it anymore. Yeah, I don't blame you. Hence the old, that's why I'm Mr. Pat Lunge. Do you know what I love? Mmm. A boots meal deal.

You've always loved a boots meal deal. Oh my God. Love it. In fact, I think the pretty much the first time I met you, you were evangelical about boots meals. I was laughing shut up about them. Is it, is it the deal or is it the meal? What, what is it that's doing it for you?

I think it's the deal. Okay. I think it's the deal, because also at the same time you're also, you were a big time fast food hound. Yeah. Back then. What will you go for in a meal deal?

What kind of? It's all about value. Just work out how to get the most value. Oh, is that what you do? You calculate it? Well, the problem was they got to a stage where the way to get the most value was, so you get the sandwich, you get the drink,

and then you get the snack. Yeah. The snack's often crisps. Yeah. Or perhaps some, some diced melon pieces. I would never get fruit like that. Yeah.

Waste of money. Yeah. Waste of money. I would often get a yogurt. Mm-hmm. But if you want to make the money, tin, metal tin of travel sweets. Oh my God.

So you'll crunch your way through. The sandwich, you know. You'll get half a pound of... You'll joylessly crunch your way through. A metal bottle full of... Sugared. Sugared blackcurrant. Popery tasting.

1915's travel sweets. Just crunching your way through on a bench, sitting there going, I'm absolutely hating this a bit. It's a good deal. It's a good deal. I bet I could find a decent news for this chin when I'm done as well.

You're beating the system, Ben. I could clean my receipts in this. No one has said it was fun to beat the system, but the main thing is you beat the system. Now, might have another bite of that repulsive

gammon, gammon and salmon sandwich. The gammon salmon. The gammon salmon. It's the most exactly disgusting, but it's the most expensive. Yeah.

So to make the most money, you either want the tin of travel sweets or the metal tin of smints. Oh, God. By the way, and then you've got to deal with a sort of fearsome 12 hours of

sort of roiling agony in your guts. Ben, heavy juicy mint squits. Just shooting a police, I suppose at least the benefit is you get to shoot out that gammon and salmon as fast as possible because you've not enjoyed it on the way in, so hopefully those smints will get it out.

They've got nothing on you. The man. So, Ben, just quickly, Ben, are you factoring in the scrap value of the metal tin into this? I mean, that rises and falls on an almost daily basis,

so you have to keep in touch with the metal markets, of course, to work out. Yeah. We're going to sweet tins. Sweet tins. Sweet tins. Also, Ben,

every morning, you've got to think about it. In medieval times, that sweet tin itself would have been seen as an absolute miracle of engineering. Yeah. Same for the gammon and salmon sandwiches. Yeah.

I think many of those are happening. Yeah. Okay. I think we should just explain to our, any British listener will know what the Boots meal deal is because it's the cornstone on which the modern British state is built. Yes.

Yeah. But for anyone living abroad, it's a sandwich, snack, and drink deal that you get from a pharmacist. From a pharmacy. Yeah.

The weirdest thing about it, I find, is the identity sushi as well. They do do very poor sushi. Yeah. So the idea that you could be picking up your sushi and your anal douche, your home anal douche kit

at the same time, whatever. Why sushi in... There's just something that's... Do you feel fine picking up a ham sandwich? I can just about get my head around getting a ham sandwich from pharmacist, from Boots.

The people that sell me Neurofen, hand gel, head gel, face gel, all my gels. But as soon as you're pushing into international cuisine. Yeah.

When it's going to international cuisine. Like... Well, if you go to some of the more modern ones, they've got the kind of yo-sushi-style conveyor belt, and going past is like sushi and then savlon. Yeah. And then...

Leg gel. Leg gel. Sooth gel. Chin gel. All your different powders as well. Sooth, shoulder powder, leg powder. Don't forget your engines as well.

Body butters. Body butters. Face creams. Eye butters. Arse butters. Yeah. Foot scrapers. Nose scrapers.

Face scrapers. All the different scrapers. Yeah. Neck pumice. Yeah. Sashimi. Sashimi. Boil creams.

High SPF goulash. And... And entirely... You can get an entirely topical roast lamb. Can't you? You can get a roast lamb that you just massage into your head.

If that's how you want to experience it. And... Yeah. If you're nailed by mouth, for example. Yeah. And you can get... It's a real lifesaver. You can get a pile...

You can get a pile in the form of a... of a... of a shampoo. Again, so they... They're small enough to take on a flight. Yeah. Yeah. It's weird, isn't it?

The idea that the same person is sourcing all that stuff. So the guys say, what have I got to do this morning? I've got to order... I've got to get loads of it. I've got to get loads of eye drops. I've got to get loads of eye drops.

I've got to get those little blue gloves that you... You're not quite sure what that is. Yeah. But people use that. I've got to get some international plug adapters. International plug adapters. And I've got to get...

I've got to get four egg sandwiches. I've got to get four egg sandwiches. Because it's never a big... It's the party where I've never trusted it. It's not enough of a selection. Then they don't lead into it enough. Even in the big booths. Yeah.

It's still a small... It's an afterthought. It's a sign show. It's not an afterthought. I won't have that. It's not a great range. I won't have this. It's moisture that ruins the packeted sandwich experience

from boots and the like. Sometimes if you pick up... You pick up the packet and you look through this little window and there's like a sort of sheet... Like a layer of condensation. Yeah. You know you're in for a really awful time. Yeah. Yeah. That's right.

What is bad business? Or, you know, finding a dead shrew in it or something like that. Well, I once ate chewed into a bit of pizza and it had a cigarette bite in it. What? Yeah. In the pizza. It was in the pizza. It was a school trip to Italy.

Oh, OK. Fine. Fine. You're simply, you're hated by whoever was serving you. Yeah, I just realised that. That's the first time I realised that. That that's what happened then. They knew you were never going to come back. This was pre-trip advisor. There was no, you had no, there was no possible negative impact

you could have on their business. And they, they hated your school trip. And so they, I think, perfectly reasonably. Yeah. With a cigarette butt under a slice of pepperoni. They also pissed in your diet coke. Sorry to let you know. It's true.

You're right, you know. Yeah. That wasn't a fan to, sorry, Henry. It was. I thought, I thought maybe it's just Italian diet coke is, is accurate. I thought maybe it's just an accurate. And wait a minute. I'm just thinking, I'm just, I'm just casting my mind back

to the tiramisu now. Hang on. The tiramisu. It was a tiramisu. Uh, yes, well, yes. I do remember the waiter saying, no, wait, this one, this boy here, he have the special pizza. No, you, this one. No, wait, don't give him that.

No, wait a minute. Alfonso, wait. Your special one. Alfonso, wait, special one for you. This child here, this one. Special, very special one. The little shrill bastard, him. He is literally, he is literally the opposite of Nicholas

Lindhurst, this one makes me sick. Oh, I'd rather, um, yes, but no, but I tell you what, I bit into it and it's like, that is unbelievable. It was bloody cigarette, it was bloody cigarette, but I've just, I've repeated the story. Um, but I've done what you know, great journalism does, which is you put the main bit in the first sentence. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then you go through and then you come back to that bit at the end, but now with a new insight, which is that. Yeah. Which you don't always need. We didn't get one. Well, we learned something about my Italian accent. We did. I, when I was, um, hot out of university, um, your mind never

sharper. Never. Rumming was new ideas. Whips. Smart. Mm-hmm. Slightly bolding, young guy in his early 20s. Yeah.

I, uh, one of the first jobs I got was, um, as a kind of lead, well, it was called a legal arbitration centre. Hmm. And it was on London's Fleet Street in the same city as London's Kings Road. Quite a long way away from it, different by London. It was, it was London's Fleet Street. All right, my captain.

Top of the morning. Headline. Newspaper. Um. For those who may not live in the UK and don't know, it is the, uh, the beating heart or was the beating heart of London's newspaper district. So picture, picture kind of toad skinned, hard smoking, swearing sort

of tabloid journalist. Mm-hmm. Uh, you know, writing scurrilous things about the people's princess. Mm-hmm. In the 80s. That was where they were based. Wasn't it then?

It was all Fleet Street. Yeah. But anyway, so, but it's also, the legal world is, is round there. Um, so I, I, I, I, it's basically a legal, legal arbitration centre, which was, um, a, uh, a place where, um, if, if, if a case didn't want to go to court, you could hire a kind of, um, sort of. An unqualified graduate to offer some suggestions about your

divorce, a cigarette butt-eating novice. We think, we think you're going to like this guy. He's whip smart and he's, he's, he's using one cigarette on a pizza in his life. One. How many of us can say that? Yeah. Yeah.

And one puben-fested tiramisu, tiramisu, yeah, it was a tiramisu. There was, there was a dump in there as well. He didn't. Yeah. Tiratma poo. He ate an entire tiratma poo, which had a rat in it, a human poo and a rat poo.

So human pubes and obviously the rat was carrying its own pubes. And you're, you're contesting visitation rights with your three children. Is that right? And you, you're concerned that your, your husband feels that their family business has been bankrupt because of his actions. Okay. Fine.

So, so he's a big fan of literature. Actually, this guy said he might, I'm sure he's full of ideas. He's certainly, put it this way. He might say he's read a few books and he'd be literally right. He's read a few books. And you say there's a VAT element to the crime, so because of the couple were in business as well. So there's an issue to do with that, whether VAT that he claimed

where they don't mention VAT to him in this meeting, because he'll panic, he'll panic. And he doesn't know what that is. Yeah. So, but he is very good at the computer game, abes odyssey. that helps. And also, I didn't want to tell you until later, but it was actually, it was actually a toss rat, my pubes. So it was on the rat. There was a human poo and the rat poo, human pubes. The rat was carrying its own pubes. I think what that says is there's barely any cream or,

I mean, or sponge it. Yeah. Well, it had been dusted with cocoa powder, and I'm putting cocoa powder in a verse of commas and dusted. It was crow, crow powder. It was a dehydrated, grated crow. Actually, the waiter actually shaved, well, grated the crow onto the toss rat in front of him. He still didn't notice. He just told us that that's what original Italian parmesan looks like. Goes on a tiramisu and not to worry about it. And yes, it does have a beak. It's a beaked cheese. Yeah, of course.

Obviously, that's how you know when it's ready to serve, when it's beak hardens. So this was, it was a legal arbitration centre. So what would happen is, it was kind of like a parallel legal system, I'm going to say, whereby if you didn't like all the kind of pomp and ceremony of things being actually legally binding. No, so it was complicated legal cases that were all financial. So it was VAT, it was business, it was, I mean, I could go into the details, you know, but you've run out of glossary. It's quite hard for me to access Google that you hear me tapping the T keyboard. So what would happen is the way, as I understand it, what would happen is the tables.

So I'm talking hard reinforced plastic top table metal legs in the shape of a rectangle, a rectangular table. They'd be organised, what, you know, three or four tables at one side, two at the top and three or four down the other side. And then some crush mats in the middle. And a trumpet. And one of those machines that fires tennis balls, okay. That is the kind of whole... Or justice balls, as they called them. And whoever could catch the most in their mouth at the end and spit... You had to soak them in the, in your fridge and vinegar overnight, didn't you?

Catch them in your mouth, spit them out into the, into the buckets provided. Into the bucket of truth. No, so essentially my job here was, well, if part of it was organising the table, so that's the main bit I remember was how the tables were organised. It was me and my friend and we would set the tables up out. So I'm just imagining you putting the phrase organising tables in your CV when applying for another job. So, organisational skills, brackets, tables.

Also, you know, the God's honest truth is that I'm actually not brilliant at organising tables. Because sometimes there'd be too many down one end. But anyway, so the tables would be organised in a square, that the arbitrator would sit up at the top bit and then the two, the two different sides of the debate would sit down the edges and they'd talk to each other. And essentially, I think it was like, I think it was a bit like going, like going private with healthcare or something. I think this guy was probably a judge or something.

But like on the side, you could book him in this kind of like... A side hustle. A side hustle. Anyway, so me and my friend, our job was, A, lay out the tables. B, put chairs behind the tables. C, glasses of water. And jugs of water.

Brackets full? Ah, shit! Of course! It's just... Idiot. It's a bloody promise. Bloody water's bloody transparent. So you never know.

Anyway, so we'd lay out the tables at the beginning of the day. Then they'd start legal arbitrating. Me and my friend, we would sit, read newspapers and do, sometimes do crosswords until about lunchtime. Then at lunch, we snapped into action. Which was, we went down to Pret-a-Monger and we picked up loads and loads of sandwiches. Right?

This must have been in the early days of Pret-a-Monger. Really early days. So it was a time full of excitement. You guys must have felt like Cock-a-Doodle-Walk. Cock-a-the-hoop and the walk. Cock-a-Dot. Cock-a-doodle-eeky. We were cock, we were cock-sure.

Cock-a-Doodle-cock. Cock-a-doodle-toot. We were cock-a-toot. Cock-a-doodle-cock. Cock-a-the... You're a real couple of cops. Cock-cav! Mack-a-cock.

Chop off the old cock. No, we were like, this is brilliant. We get free. So we could eat all the leftover Pret-a-Monger sandwiches. We'd get a trolley. So there's a metal trolley, right? Now, one of the things that I'm the worst at is a situation where you say to me,

Henry, go into this room, do something, and try not to draw any attention or create any sort of ridiculous crisis or problem. Or, you know, just keep it... Just get... It's as simple. You go in, go out. So what would happen is me and my friend, we'd go in, we'd wheel the trolley in,

and then we'd lay out the sandwiches and stuff. We'd swap out the waters. So we'd... Well, it turns out now I was taking an empty jug and replacing it with another empty jug. But we'd swap things out, replace things, and we'd bring the sandwiches in. And then a couple of hours, an hour or so later, we'd go in, take all that stuff out.

And, you know, it was quite tense sometimes because there was two of us, right? One on each end of the trolley. If you didn't picture it. And then there'd be a door that goes into the meeting room, whether the elaboration is happening. So what would happen is, if I was at the front, I would open the door and my friend would push the trolley in.

So at that point, I'm outside and he's in. That's okay, though. I simply walk through, close the door behind me. Sure. And then we'd push it around. On the way out, it just sometimes got quite tricky. Because, you know, sometimes doing something simple is quite hard when you know there's a legal VAT case

happening in the same room. So I think you don't draw attention. And then sometimes I'd open the door. Sometimes I felt like he was opening the door, but I was at the wrong end of the trolley, or he'd put a trolley through. I'd close the door, but I was still in the meeting room and he was outside in the trolley.

You had lived it. We had lived it. It wasn't a priest. It wasn't a priest. We felt it. We felt it out. Because we'd be like, look, it's just me, you, a trolley, some water sandwiches,

go in, go out, just vibe it. But, you know, sometimes it was quite tricky. But the main thing is that we got all these predi-marge sandwiches, right? But basically what happened is I learned, basically I learned a hard lesson very early on in life, which is that for some reason, and it's not quite known how this works,

as soon as something's free, it just loses all of its luster. And because we were getting these predi-marge sandwiches for free, there were so many of them. We'd sit there. We had huge platters of them left over. It was like posh cheddar. I didn't even care. Yeah, whatever, get it down, get it down.

Yeah, within days, I'd lost the predi-marge magic had gone, just because we had access to so many of those sandwiches. Oh, hello, Mrs. Packer. What's Henry up to at the moment? Oh, he's working in the legal field. Oh, wow, it must be amazing to have a son who's a lawyer. Yes. Yes, it is.

Because, yes, it must be. I always had him down as some sort of, you know, cigarette and turd crunching guy that could probably barely get his head around the concept of a trolley. When you send an email, you must give thanks to the postmasters that came before. Good morning, postmaster. Anything for me? Just some old shit.

When you send an email, this represents progress, like a robot shoeing a horse. Give me your horse. My beautiful horse. OK, time to read your emails. Our first one is from a nice landic person. Which is always welcome. It's Iris.

Hello, Iris. But Iris does not live in Iceland. I don't know where she lives, but she says that it's somewhere people speak English. I assume it's the Bishiles or Ireland or America. Anyway, Australia. She writes, I conducted an experiment at work today

where I used this new proverb. You can't say it's near and hours. Oh, well done, Iris. Oh, good. On each of my teammates separately. Very good. For those who may not have listened to last week's episode, we are trying to launch a new aphorism or proverb.

You can't sit on your own arse. So, I had three test subjects. Here is my report. Great. She says she works in a testing laboratory, just for context. OK. Well, it's a perfect place to test something out, isn't it?

Exactly. It's perfect conditions. Co-worker one, who she calls C1, had spilled a test solution, meaning she had to start the test from the beginning. After a bit of cursing from her, I said, Oh, well, shit happens, but you can't sit on your own arse.

Nice. She didn't reply, just gave me an awkward chuckle. Co-worker two, was complaining about his workload for the day. I replied that mine was also quite heavy, but I can't sit on my own arse. Similar response. A look of slight confusion, but no reply.

OK, yeah, it was early days. Yeah, teething, yeah. She then finishes us with a dialogue conversation she had with co-worker three. Co-worker three says, Do you know when these samples are to be expected? Then Iris says, Well, you can't be sitting on your own arse.

Co-worker three says, What do you mean? Iris says, It can be interpreted in many different ways. You can take it however you want. That's bold as brass, isn't it? C3, that C3 test. Very bold.

This went back and forth a couple of times. I ended up lying that there was an old Icelandic proverb and I'm surprised that it doesn't exist in English. Well, I don't know. Did those samples arrive or not? I wonder what she was saying. I don't know what she was actually testing. What else was there?

She might be top secret though, Henry. Yeah, probably is, isn't it? So she was testing the testers. Yeah. They're testing something else, and while testing something else, so they're collecting samples, they're collecting solutions.

They think they're conducting the tests. Actually, they're being tested upon. Yeah. Yes, they're being tested upon. She writes, In the case of C1 and C2, they just think I'm a silly foreigner who hasn't quite grasped the slang yet.

In conclusion, I feel we need more data. I hope this helps, Iris. Well, thank you, Iris. That's a good start to this test, which I think will be a long running study. That's true, but don't talk yourself down because C1 and C2, maybe they think that, but maybe they don't know.

Maybe they also think, oh, here's a phrase I've been missing out on for a while, and maybe they'll start using it. Something about C2 I don't like, because I'll just keep your own C2s. I just don't have a feel for these things. Whereas C3, I think, is a real keeper, actually. I like C3.

C3 reminded me of Ben, a bit, actually. Yeah, I know what you mean. Oh, in a good way or a bad way. Oh, yeah, in a good way, you know. Just sort of, you know, didn't just roll over for it, challenged it. Said, you know, well, hold on a second. If we're talking about you're sitting on your own arse,

I want to know. I want clarification now, please. Yeah, nobody's mugged. It's not a walk over C3. And also, I do like C3's attitude to the samples. I just think C3 is. C3's got their eye on the ball. He's on it.

Yeah. Whereas C2, yeah. Yeah, keep your eye on them. Bad feeling. Alleri emails. Oh, this is Alleri from New Zealand, from Diamond Harbour. Correct.

Kia ora beans. Kia ora. So, diamonds in their eyes, and diamonds in the sea. Come with us and meet the families, a diamond happy. Diamonds in their eyes, and diamonds in the sea. Come with us and meet the families of Diamond Harbour. Ah, lovely. I tell you what, I love watching those old episodes of Diamond Harbour.

It's a really good way to relax, isn't it, when you just had a hard day, put on one of the old ones from the 80s or 90s. Sure. Because remember when we came home from school, wasn't it? It was always 5.30. And there was my favourite character was Susan, who was played by, I think, 14 different actors

during the course of a 40-year period. And sometimes they'd change that in the middle of an episode, and then back again to the one who was on before. It was like a subsystem, wasn't it? That was the curse of Susan, wasn't it? Yeah, it's just a sort of fresh attack, you know, fresh pair of legs on the roll. That's right.

It really worked. It was referred to as the curse of Susan, wasn't it? But I also think the real danger with that role was that she did play a live diamond diver, didn't she? So she played a... She'd be harpooning diamonds at the bottom of the sea without any equipment. She'd go down with a harpoon, no equipment, no aqualung.

And obviously they did all their own stunts on Diamond Harbour, didn't they? So, yeah, the Susan role was a very, very, very dangerous to play. But, you know, at the end of the day, Will, Charmaine and the Priest have a get-together, because it's been Will they were opening now for 40 years? I know. It's what keeps you hooked, isn't it?

Well, both of them are in comas now, aren't they? It's this soap opera with a highest proportion of long-running characters in comas, isn't it? I think at the moment it's currently, I think it's 63% of the long-running characters are in comas. A lot of it is told in kind of flashback. I mean, the idea is that they're seeing what the people in the comas are remembering through a sort of morphine haze. Yeah.

Every now and then, a scene will fade. And as soon as you get that fade, and the music, the music chimes in, which is just a quick burst of the main theme. So, you'll hear, you'll be a fading effect on the screen. There's a sparkly diamondy seascape. Yeah. Sweep on the rocks. Sparkly diamondy seascape.

And then you'll just get a little, a little quick burst of, just the main theme, sort of just be, a diamond harbour, like that. You'll hear that. And then you know, I'll bloody hell, someone's about to wake up. And this is a bit, yeah, it's another, and it's Doris. Doris is working up now. So this is, this is a Doris Coma Dream.

Because obviously the big, the big change, because it started in 1979, obviously. That's right. Then in 1992, when they revealed that everything you'd seen for the previous 13 years had just been a Coma Dream. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, Larry just emails to say, thank you for the song. And I would assume she hasn't said this, but I'd assume now it's been taken on as a kind of town anthem. I assume it's played out of loudspeakers in every street corner every morning.

Yeah. You think so, wouldn't you? She'll be singing it in school. I would imagine. Maybe let us know, Larry. But anything less than that, I will be disappointed by. Send us some adorable videos of the local school kids singing it in unison, in front of the mayor. Anyway, in her email, she says, yes, we have a second wave of tiramisu here in New Zealand too.

So just want to know that. Interesting. So it is happening. And I finally noticed from Bailey and Michael. Bailey and Michael live in Portland, Oregon. Lovely. In a recent episode, Hats, there was a moment of inquiry about whether Amherst Three Bean Babes, which is, I guess, what they're calling three bean tired listeners,

we never actually come up with the sort of definitive name. Yeah. I tend to go for Bean Heads. Yeah. Anyway, there was a moment of inquiry about whether Amherst Three Bean listeners were knocking boots to your sultry voices. Well, that was by, hang on, hang on. That was a specific inquiry by Henry Packer, the star of Three Bean's salad.

The one, the only star. And we made it very clear at the time that if anyone was to get in touch about this, that they should get in touch to a different podcast and not this podcast. Owlfuckers. Owlfuckers would be absolutely perfect. Mike, our intray at Owlfuckers is, it's a shit show. There's no way that we've got much, we've got way more than we can deal with. I mean, Amen Homes now spends most of his time signing pellets.

She can tell you this was followed by immediate regret at having voiced this aloud for eager listeners to hear the fear being they might send emails with sordid details of how they've integrated your conversations about seductive birds and mussel crow into their love life. I can assure you that my husband and I have never made love while listening to Henry tell a mundane story about his recent trip to a chemist with the unknown sense of delight and the pacing of a David Attenborough documentary. Can I say, I was about to say that's loaded rubbish, but I think I've done that in this, in this very episode.

Okay, that's very reassuring. However, we often turn on your podcast as part of our evening routine, listening to it as we brush our teeth, turn down the bed, drink an evening herbal tea, etc. What a nice life you guys live. It does sound lovely. I wouldn't be surprised if one of these people is C2, by the way. Is that possible? I do like the sound of this couple.

C2 was what you were suspicious of. Yeah, you were suspicious of C2. Oh, no, sorry, C3. Sorry, sorry. Do apologize. Also, we're not supposed to... Shouldn't be identifying C3, should we? We shouldn't be, yeah.

I meant D4. Anyway, occasionally, an opportunity for physical intimacy will assert itself, mid-listen. More than once, we've had to pause the podcast as one of his insipid giggles remind us that Henry is still talking about something innocuous. Okay. It's a bit harsh. Okay. So, is that the end?

What do you mean? You are the antithesis of an oyster, Henry, is what they say. You specifically. Or the anti-Aphrodisiac, is what I'm saying. Okay. So, is she saying that they'll probably see because they were maybe going to do it, and then they turn it off? Yes.

Turn me off. Turn you off, yeah. Okay. He looks a bit miffed, by the way. Dear listeners. I didn't really have a comeback. It's quite hard to have a comeback for that, because for me to have a comeback for that, I'd have to say something along the lines of,

yeah, well, more full year, because you should be listening to my voice. You should be well-having sex. You should be listening to the way you think to say it. Oh, yeah. Well, tell you what, plenty of other people like listening to my voice while having sex. Yeah. Yeah. More full year, actually, because...

Yeah, what could be more romantic than me talking about a tiramisu made of pubes? Okay. Well, thank you, Bailey and Michael. It sounds like you've got a very healthy sex life. Oh, no. They write, our regards to Pam Bluebell and whatever slab of meat Ben is currently preparing. You do see them as your pets, don't you?

Absolutely. Yeah. Your marinades. P.S. There is something strangely seductive about Mike's phrasing. Oh, yeah. So we go, come on. This is... Here we go.

When he says, it's time to pay the ferryman. But hang on. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. What? On the jingle, that's BP. They've been getting turned on by the wrong beam.

It was meal along. Yeah. We had an email, which we never read out, where somebody thought... Oh, they thought it was a big celeb, didn't they? They thought it was Steve Coogan. It's not as me. And they write, and it's rare that my husband and I can stop ourselves from mournfully joining in with a

course of Patreon, Patreon, but the exchange is yet to develop into something sexual. Okay, fine. That's all BP. That's all BP who's getting rose juices flowing. Hey, hey... It's time to pay the ferryman. Thanks everyone who signed up on our Patreon, you can find that at patreon.com for such three bean salad. There are various tiers, but on one of the tiers, you get yourself

a little shout out in the Sean Bean lounge where Mike was last night, so I was and it was another big night in the lounge. Well, it was the annual Sean Bean lounge international plug adapter and meet remoulades Derby. Hotly anticipated. Hotly hot. It's never been more hotly anticipated. Yes. Thank you, Henry. And here's my report. There was a heaving crowd at the Sean Bean lounge last night to witness the annual Sean Bean lounge international plug adapter and meet remoulades Derby. Competitors lined up at the starting socket and Sean Bean himself opened the race by screaming the rudest word he could think of through the remoulade Klaxon. Daisy Gunner made a full start on her duck infused UK to European and was sent to the

Sinbin where she found Rachel and her cat who'd been pre-Sinbin for wearing a legal aspic jelly helmets. Anna Douglas took the lead on the opening straight on an AC to DC with pork remoulade jet boosters. But at the first corner, Derra's US twin spike to Australasian three pins slipped on the mayonnaise skid pan, knocking Anna off the course and earthing Andrew Tabs's turkey lined tamper-proof Peruvian Omni adapter. On the extension cable slalom, Matt Titterington's mixed meats of the city and Piccadilly shaving unit to Marshall Stack amplifier adapter turned out to be a strong choice. But it failed him on the Ramekin Helter Skelter where a loose caper from Tegwin Feldbush's rabbit and anchovy Belgium quadropronged a Hornby train set flew off and lodged in his

optocoupler causing critical fusing. Despite the safety measure of a venison remoulade outer coating, Paul's national grid bypassed a Namibian hairdryer ran into serious trouble on the 900 volt water ditch and he can now no longer touch wool without setting fire to it. Louis Moulay, on the other hand, absolutely flew over the panel breaker hurdles on a powerfully aromatic emu sausage remoulade-inspired Micronesian type B to Icelandic fog machine adapter, rounded the land on diode scurry at record speed and burst through the finish line at almost 4,000 kilowatts. It's the first gold medal for the Moulay family in eight generations. Congratulations, Louis. Okay, let's determine this week's version of our theme tune. Okay. I'm going to give you a choice

between what's version of our theme tune you want to hear. So, do you want to hear? Also, by the way, somebody sent me a really, really good, very, very long, kind of quite epic, five minute long thing that sort of is an incredible version of our theme tune. I went to find it and I think I've lost it. So, if this was you, please resend because it was amazing. You'd obviously spent a lot of time on it. It was really funny and really good. And I just can't find the email anywhere. So, I'm really sorry, but if that was you, do resend. But for this week, would you like to hear one called Trombone Trombones Trombones? Tongues? Or Happy House? I think maybe Trombones. Great. This is from Andrew here at Dear Beans. My friend Johnny introduced me to your show.

I was filled with wonder when Johnny and his family gargled your theme tune. I knew immediately they do not possess such creativity, so I would need to resort to sheer hard work. I worked quite hard for not very long. I was hampered by major roadblocks such as procrastination, not wanting to cheese off my neighbours and procrastination. I hope you enjoy the end result best wishes, Andrew. Andrew, I understand your hurdles. Thanks, Andrew. Thank you, Andrew. Bit of Trombone action. So, until next time. Goodbye. Goodbye. Thank you. you