Three Bean Salad - Service Stations

Episode Date: July 13, 2022

This week the juicy topic of service stations is thrown the beans’ way by none other than Hannah Kohler of London. The episode is crucial listening for anyone at risk of being trapped in a well. In addition, geese get more than honourable mention and Henry drops a hot-dog bombshell.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladLivestream tickets for our show in September: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/online-three-bean-salad/Get in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

This week I am I returned to the cinema top gun. It was between top gun. There's a lot of good films out at the moment, right? Supposedly good. I'm not seeing them all. Top gun Elvis Minions. Minions, the return of grew or the rise of grew. What did you plan for in the end then? So it was between all these films. Yeah. And Jurassic Park. Of course. Dominion or domination or something. Which has been absolutely toileted, hasn't it, by everyone? Well, I went to see Jurassic Park. Did you? Yeah. But the rotten Tom's, it's on negative Tom's, isn't it, practically? Are you going to say the naysayers, Ben? Are you going to defend it? Well, I've not seen it. As I started watching it, for the first half hour, I was

genuinely thinking, this might be the worst film I've ever seen. That's really bad, because normally even a terrible film will at least give you something in the first 10 minutes or so normally, because there's hope at that point. Well, let me skip to the end first. So by the end, I'd enjoyed myself, broadly speaking. If you're a fan of the franchise, get down there. But the first half hour, I couldn't work out whether it was the fault of the film, or the fact I'd not been to the cinema for two and a half years, and I was so overwhelmed by the giant screen. There was lots of information to take on board, and I had no idea what anyone was talking about. You could no longer handle Dolby surround

sound. It was something like that, because it felt like within five minutes, I had no idea what was happening, and they were doing a car chase around Malta, and I had no idea why they were there, but what was going on? It was so confusing. And I can't look out. I want one of you to go because you can tell me if it's the film, or if it's some weird experience thing where I'm just so unused to the large screen and big sound. How close were you to the front? Because I think the screens are too big, actually, I'd say, in cinemas. They didn't need to be that big, I'd say. I mean, also, the fact is, the size of screen is mainly controlled by perspective and how close you are to it.

Do you know what I mean? So actually, it's kind of the same size as your telly if you're sitting near a telly. What? A screen is as big as as many rows of seats you've got. That's the equation, isn't it? Because, I mean, if you've got kind of quite a small-ish screen, but you're right up close to it, it's massive. So I always find it quite hard, actually, to know where to sit in a cinema screen, because sometimes the screens are huge. I go, Blonnie, how is this brilliant? It's huge. I'd better sit miles away from it so it looks small again. So I think the size of the screen... So it's phone-sized again. Exactly. And ideally, I'd like the whole image to sort of flip 90 degrees occasionally, and then re-adjust my head and

then put the setting on where it fixes it. And then sometimes a WhatsApp should come up at the top. I want the occasional WhatsApp to come up. And occasionally creep darker and darker until the image is barely visible. And then put the brightness back up again. Also, the thing you can't do in the cinema that I've got used to doing is, as soon as the film begins, like minute two, you're just on IMDB looking at the actors. For some reason, that's basically the experience of watching a film for me now. At home? Yeah, just getting into the Wikipedia's... Oh, I love doing that. I was doing that last night, watching something. Your double screening minimum from the get-go. Yeah. You go, this guy's been in something,

this guy's been in something. And it's like, oh, my God, this guy's been in something. And you pause it and you're like, oh, my God, this guy, he was in... This guy, Kevin, he was policeman two. He was in patient seven. This is the guy, darling. I knew... I told you we'd seen him in something. Has he got a bit of his Wikipedia that's labeled controversy? If so, we're diving in. Yeah, that's what you really want, isn't it? Oh, there's a thing now in Netflix, I've noticed, where you pause it. It almost knows that and it brings up who's in that scene. Yeah. Yeah, Amazon Prime is a big one for that. Amazon does the same, doesn't it? Yeah. The only thing you have to work out, though,

doesn't tell you is which name is the character and which name is the actor. So... It's unlikely the actor's called policeman two. Yeah. Or Emperor Flanmore. Bloody hell. I can't believe they've actually convinced Batman... To do a bioflick. To say Christian Bale. To say Christian Bale, as well. And half the time, he's actually still dressed up as a Batman. They couldn't persuade him to take off the outfit. But the fact that they've actually persuaded him to play Christian Bale at all. What's awkward is they haven't told the other actors they're all

calling him Batman. Yeah, well, Batman insists on that. It's just he will play. He insists on not adopting the name of his new character. He's reverse method. Throughout shooting, he lives as himself. He lives as the character. Religiously. And he won't even put on an accent on to entertain like a child. He won't stop doing vigilantism in the middle of scenes. Well, they film a lot of it. And frankly, a lot of time. It feels more like you're watching a bloody Batman film. I didn't learn anything about Christian Bale in Batman 3. It turned out with Jurassic, so it was so confusing. And it turned out

afterwards, I was trying to look at what happened to me. And it turns out there was a whole Jurassic Park film that I worked out that I had watched that I'd forgotten. They're all the same film, though, aren't they? Anyway, that's, isn't that kind of the point that they're all, we've made some dinosaurs. Yeah. Oh, no, they're loose again. Oh, what a pickle. The impression I get from the posters and stuff is that, yeah, might as you're saying, it's always the same concept, but it feels like they're always trying to widen the sense of the domination and come up with bigger words like dominion. And it's basically a bunch of guys with the thesaurus, isn't it? I mean, access to the internet. We just got to change

one word in the title. But have they sped off the island? I think I felt like that happened in one bit. They got off the island. So where we are now, they fucked it so much. And they've left the door open so many times that now dinosaurs are endemic around everyone Earth. So they live alongside animals, alongside humans and humans. Yeah. Another dinosaurs infiltrating the institutions of human power. Well, that's the next step, I think, starting from the grassroots, starting as advising a local counselor and then eventually getting a job in central government. It's your white collar dinosaur attack, isn't it? That's almost worse.

The next one would be Jurassic World Judiciary. Jurassic World VAT audit. So did it have Laura Dunn and people from the original? It did. That was that was good. That was good. Yeah. The old goldblum. Goldblum is just doing his thing where he manages to turn any sentence into a sort of wonderful little discovery. It feels like it's always like he's looking over his shoulder at you when he's playing jazz piano at the same time. Even if there's not a piano and a 50 mile radius. I see what you mean. Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly it.

Okay. What? Yeah, he's like looking at his eyes, his eyes sort of bulge out and kind of look around and he goes in the middle of a line. I think you've cracked it. Yeah. Yeah. So he's in it, Dunn's in it. What's his face from New Zealand? I never remember his name. I can never remember his name. Martin Parsons. No. John Front, Front, Fronted. You've got to just double first name it basically and you're okay. Martin O'Neill. That's it.

Ronnie John, Franky. I literally, there are certain people. I can never, ever remember that guy's name and the only name I always think come up with. Daniel Sammons. It's Tom Berringer and it's definitely not Tom Berringer but they've got a vaguely similar face. It's not a Tom Berringer and work back basically. Is it something like... Is it Neil in there? Michael O'Neill, Sam O'Neill.

Sam O'Neill. Sam O'Neill. It is Sam O'Neill. He's great. The last film I saw in the cinema was an arty Swedish film, Bergman Island. Right. We're ahead of it. No. No, that's how sophisticated it is. I haven't heard of it at all.

Fucking hell, it was absolute shite. It was the most boring, awful film. And you didn't even feel the urge to pretend to like it, to appear sophisticated. Well, I sort of did a bit but... What part of the Jurassic World's, like, universe is it in? So, is it on the island or is it now... It's on an island that has, as yet, not been colonised by the dinosaurs. Which is why it's so boring.

Which is why it's utterly boring because it's just people talking, having relationships and feelings. Now, it's got Tim Roth in it and it's about a filmmaker. It's that classic pretentious thing where it's a film about film. Bog off. Where's the Stegosaurus? And I don't want that Stegosaurus to be a filmmaker's Stegosaurus. I want it to be a very hungry, angry Stegosaurus, thanks.

Yeah. With laser feet. Please, if you don't mind. Laser feet, thanks. It's a film about film. The Stegosaurus here. It's a film about film. It's a film about film. The Stegosaurus here represents the studio bosses. I just want to film about film!

This film was so about film, it was even called, thing, you know, Bergman Island. And it was set on this place that's called Bergman Island, where people go and visit Bergman. It was about filmmaker going to visit a festival about a filmmaker. And so it's completely swan-dived up its own ass by this time. So far, it had the usual art house film thing of a kind of older man with a kind of young,

slightly fey woman who's trying to find herself creatively. And the film started. And then, so any good art house film, for one thing, it's about film. And more than being about film, it's about how do you film film and how do you watch films about film? You film that. Yeah, it was all that kind of stuff. And also then, of course, the girl within the film,

so she's a film writer married to a film director. They're both at a film festival on an island dedicated to the filmmaker, Bergman, right? And I'm sitting in the cinema watching a film. Now, then she's having this idea about a film, right? That she wants to write. She tells her film director husband about this idea of a film she might want to write.

He's a bit dismissive about it. Then she starts talking about it. And then, we go into a film within a film about films. Film within a film about films at an island about films. In film. That was all filmed. And then, and I was like, okay, this first half hour has been shit boring.

Shit boring. And I've not even brought popcorn in because I thought respect an arty film. So what's that like? He said he'd taken a tiramisu in. And some carpaccio. And then the film within the film started. And I was like, oh, well, thank god,

then we've got a second chance here. Maybe the film within the film is actually like a five-star. Stuck in a one-star. Could happen. But then the film within the film started. And I was like, five minutes into the film within the film, I was like, I cannot believe it. This is worse than the actual film.

There's a film in this film that's worse than the film. I don't know where to run. I don't know where to go. I've got nowhere to turn. I'm trapped within films, within films, about film in a cinema where I'm watching a film. While you're doing that, I was sitting back with my pick and mix enjoying Top Gun, Maverick.

Oh, great. See, that was the like decision. That was my decision. I went to Pretentious. Ben went to Mainstream. And Mike, he went the perfect middle ground, middle mic. Solid. Hit the road.

Stick on some guitar music. We're on our way to a provincial dad film. Exactly. It's time for Provincial Dad Chat. Who's hid my bloody walking boots? I'm not saying it's ruined the holiday. I'm just saying I asked for rum raisin. Gage escapes on kids, otherwise we'll

miss the inflatable session. She's taking her mother to see blood brothers, which means more top gear time for me. Why would I need to go and see a podiatrist? Of course, I've kept the warranty information, darling. Provincial Dad, we're on our way to an out-of-town multiplex. It's always enough parking. Never need to worry about parking.

Worst case not, you've got to walk for three minutes from your parking space. Exactly. And we can literally pick up a barrel of bleach on the way home. Yeah. From Frankie and Benny's. So, Mike, what's your review? I had an absolute blast.

It's a film that delivers exactly what you want. Much like the kind of Jurassic thing, it's essentially the same film, again, right? It's sort of, people really like this, so let's just make it again. Let's make it again, a slightly different version of it. We'll do some really, really Tom Cruise in camera-type, stunty stuff.

The dads will love it. But Mike, what I think's hard about, difficult about sequels, is you sort of do want the same thing. But also, you don't exactly the same thing. You want the same thing, but different. So, that's why a lot of the time in sequels, and I'm assuming they did the same thing with Top Gun is, it's like, it's all the cast and characters that you know and love,

but this time, they're on holiday in Spain! Oh! Yeah, they do go off. They do. They do go to Marbella. That is so good. You've got to have them. They accidentally stumbled across some mafiosos while they were there,

who were in hiding. And one of them looks exactly like Maverick. Yeah, there's a right old hoo-ha. You want a right old hoo-ha. And does Tom Cruise pilot the EasyJet to not wear? He does. One of the main problems, one of the other main problems against the films is,

there's a very, very, pretty much always, you can guarantee this every time, is basically, your expectations is what sets up how much you enjoy the film or not. Pretty much, that's really all that counts. So, the fact that you've said this film is amazing, I mean, I will not like it. Hi, you see, I fully activated Provincial Dad style expectations. I decided in advance that I was going to enjoy it.

Well, yeah, but you have that, you have Provincial Dad levels of emotional control. Exactly, yeah. So, for example, you can be stood in the pouring rain with your family in a car park, in Leeds. In Leeds, yep. You could all be covered in hot bolognese sauce. And you would still be convinced that the holiday was going well.

Oh, yeah. On an emotional level, and you would be able to impart that. Because I would have decided in advance, this is going to be a successful holiday. This is going to be a successful holiday. The steam mountain railway has shut down. That's fine, we'll just get into the boot of the Hyundai i10 and play UNO, and that's fine.

Yeah, yeah. All of the birds of prey at the sanctuary have died before we go there. Yeah. But that's okay, because we're getting the Hyundai i10, and I've found a Secret 7 on audible that we haven't heard before. Let's go. We're just going to go around the Ring Road until the book's finished, and have a lovely time.

What are they doing now with Tom Cruise's height? Because are they still using trenches for everyone else? Are they uplifting him on transparent shoes? It's all about perspective these days. So he'll be in a deck chair at the top of the beach, and they'll be down the slope of the beach about 200 yards away playing a game. That's a very good way of doing it. So he'll be closer to the camera, presumably.

He's closer to the camera, and also when he's in a plane, he flies it alone. There's no one else in the plane with him as well. And the plane he's flying is actually a scale model of a plane. Yeah, exactly. Or there's one occasion where there's no one else in the plane with him, and they just, they hunker down, essentially, is what they do. Actually, what they use for the background is just a children's book with a lot of pictures of the sky in it they use, isn't it?

They just flick through that behind him. Yeah, because they didn't want to be using CGI and stuff. No, no, no. It's all done in camera. Keep it visceral. Yeah. Val Kilmer does a turn. I wasn't expecting that.

Val Kilmer pops up. He's dead though, isn't he? Well, yes, he is, but I mean, that's, I think that's part of what came to such a surprise. Is it a bit like when in The Lion King, when Mufasa appears in the clouds? My son, you have disappointed me. If Val Kilmer's not dead, is he? Do you mean the character, it's the character dead?

Well, here comes a spoiler. He is now. Oh, bloody hell. Oh, who's the one that dies? Who's Goose? Yeah, it's not him. Goose, it's the guy who plays Great Balls of Fire on the, um... You're thinking of Goose. Goose is his son. Goose's son has got a major role.

Gosling. Ryan Gosling. Ryan Gosling, played by... Played by Batman. Gosling playing Goose. Finally, the party was named to play. I remember, actually, when I first saw Top Gear as a kid. Top Gear?

I mean, Top Gun. It's much the same thing. It is the same sort of thing. It is the same thing. Same audience, same sort of love of big technology. Just engines. Just engines. Yeah, and some rock tracks.

Yeah, I remember when I first saw Top Gear. I'm fucking out. I remember when I first saw Top Gun. I had no idea what he was on about. Great Balls of Fire, I said, what? What is he talking about? What is he talking about? Isn't that the song?

In the song. Yeah, well, what does he mean Great Balls of Fire? What? What Great Balls of Fire? Do you mean what's the meaning of the lyrics of the song Great Balls of Fire? Yeah, well, yes. What does it mean? I mean, does it mean anything?

Is it just... That's a good point, actually, Henry. Thank you. See, let's see if we can... I mean, in the context of Top Gun, there's lots of Big Balls of Fire coming out of the back of a plane. Yeah. But I assume this song wasn't written for the film.

No, it's like an old 50s, 60s rock and roll. So let's have a look. I've got the lyrics. You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain. Too much love drives a man insane. You broke my will, but what a thrill. Goodness gracious, Great Balls of Fire. That feels like a holding lyric, doesn't it?

And they've not got back to it to sort it out. I guess it must be. Anders on a postcard, please. Are there any nods to the modern era? Like, is he tweeting from his plane? Thank God, no. The main nod is more about the idea of a human pilot being obsolete. But there's drones.

Oh, I see. You'll be out in your ear soon, Maverick. We all need people like you and your... Anymore, your dinosaur. But a metaphor... You can't play volleyball with a drone. Yes, you can. Oh, I thought you were going to say this

because they're using actual geese now. Goose, this truly is your legacy. Use an animal which understands the skies already because it's in the sky. That's right. Goose 2.0. Eject goose eject eject maaaah! Goose!

What's good for the goose really is goose for the Gandalf! You know what, they actually... It could work that because they use geese, as I understand it. As I understand it, as security guards in airports. What have they done? What have you got out from? No, they use squads of geese to patrol things like Heathrow

because it's such a huge area. To fly into the engines. No, to patrol. Think about how huge an area is. You've got to get all the way from security check-in to the gates. You've got loads of predator mortgages. You've got WHO myths. You've got huge areas.

You can't have humans. Far too large for, for example, a human in a little van to go around. Exactly. No, they're out on the airfields because they're huge perimeters of fences that need to be guarded. So you deploy squadrons of geese. And you just accept the risk that at any time they could take flight and get stuck in one of the engines of the jet planes

and cause a catastrophe. You accept and take on those stats every year. You have a meeting about it and you decide to carry on. Despite the two or three thousand souls which will be sacrificed to the geese on an annual basis. But I think that's right. They patrol the perimeters. And basically, because they're very bad tempered,

if you're trying to break into an airport or climb over the fence, they'll just come at you going, in that way that geese and swans do. Obviously, you can't use swans because swans belong to the Queen. They can't work. They're paid an annual tithe. They get an allowance, don't they? They get an allowance.

And they obviously... They're birds who lunch. Yeah. They can't do that. That's why you're seen down Fortnum and Masons while the geese are working. Yeah. And they'll do charity stuff.

They can't start their own businesses, though, unlike geese. Here are a lot of them working in airport security. They sometimes do a brief bit of military service, don't they? Yeah. So they might run a rescue helicopter for a few years. Not a few medals. Guarded by gerkers. Yeah.

No, but I think that is true actually about geese. Because they're very aggressive birds. True. It's not... I think it's true. Well, we can either Google it or wait for a bollocking. Sometimes it's easier now to... Sometimes if I just want to find out something,

like I can Google it, I can say it on the podcast and just see what the bollocking is. Wait for one of our many PhD-level listeners to come and... Exactly. Give you a swinging blow. If that turns out to be true, I shall eat my hat, Henry. Okay. Okay, let's sit on the bean machine.

Turn on the bean machine. This week's topic, as sent in by Hannah Kohler from London. The writer is Service Stations. Service Stations. Well, Mike. Yeah. When was the last time you were in a service station? I imagine it wasn't that long ago.

It was a few hours ago. Was it really a few hours ago? It was within the last 12 hours. Were you meeting fellow members of your biker gang? Yeah. Give me a second. Tonight this car park is ours, boys. From midnight until 4am when they start opening up the coaster.

Only a few hours ago, I was... I found myself at Sedgemore Services on the M5. Doing a personal appearance? Doing a personal appearance. Was that just one of those things, like a meeting? Sometimes I know they do this for celebrities, where you just have to stand in the WH Smith and just be there for an hour. Well, it's very expensive getting those cardboard cutouts done.

So I just go myself instead. And I find it wasteful. I don't like the plastic backings they use to prop them up. So I just go myself, just stand there. And you'll say you'll be promoting your tour or something, presumably? Well, there'll be no. Minions key rings, actually. So I'll just have Minions key rings coming off me and, you know,

399. People pick them up in the WH Smith concession. Give us a review of Sedgemore Services. Mike, give you the lesson 12 hours ago. Well, it was a very transactional one. It was very much we in fuel, I would say. Don't mix those two up. I spend an awful lot of time on the old roads.

The jewel in the crown of the M5, certainly. And I would say, knocking about the place generally, it's got to be Gloucester Services. Well, can I just say it was my birthday recently. You went to Gloucester Services for your birthday? I did. Of course you did. Went there for lunch.

We made a special trip going slightly out of our way to Gloucester Services. Oh, what a great time. Oh, the food court. Locally sourced cafeteria. Is it? Yeah. Have you not been, Henry? Get your strawbs.

I don't know if I have been to Gloucester. I know there's one I've been to, which is like a bucolic sort of paradise where there's little rabbits jumping around. Yeah, so that is probably T-bay. Oh, that could be T-bay. Where's that? Which is in Cumbria, but they are the owners of Gloucester Services.

Oh, I see. They're the same place. T-bay. Last time I went through T-bay, which was not long ago, a few weeks ago, on my way to Glasgow, we everyone just had to wait for a flock of geese to cross the road. Just the way it is. Security geese?

They weren't security geese. Presumably they were security geese. Refused to believe they were security geese. From nearby Cumbria International Airport. I think they were holidaying. Whatever they were doing, they were lauding it about. And it was very clear that they had a right of way, regardless of where you wanted to go.

So it took a while, took about 10 minutes actually physically to get into the services because we were waiting for the geese to cross the road. They were in charge. There are various adult skills that you acquire as you go through life. And one of them is being able to come off the motorway, enter a service station, go through that windy bit of road and confidently...

Not end up in the bus bit. Not end up in the bus bit or back on the fucking motorway. We're back on the motorway, I still need a piss. This is the worst-case scenario. I'm full of piss and my car is empty of fuel. Also, I hate that when you're on the motorway, and there's sign coming up, it tells you how far away the service stations are.

And there's one in one mile, there's one in 15 miles. And you sort of have to do the kind of piss maths of going like, do I pull in now, or do I think I can keep going for further 15 miles? And why for the love of God have they not yet just put dick hoses in cars? Why for the love of God, isn't it? So only people with dicks can piss in the car?

Oh, Henry. Well, obviously, it's much easier for people without dicks, because all you need to do is just, you just soil it down into the soft pad. Down into the soft pad of the seat. Through the wooden beads. All you then need through the wooden beads, through the soft seat seating,

and then into a reverse sponge, while you're just a sponge, which can be clamped in and out by a kind of metal sphincter. So that as you piss through the seat, it goes into the under seat sponge. It's wrung out by the sphincter down into a little channel. And that's what those little bits of liquid that come out of exhaust pipes are.

Exactly. Exactly. Anyway, they haven't come up with that invention. What I don't understand is why people with the penis, like you and me, why can't we just piss down into the... Into the foot well. Into the seas.

Well, it's called a well, foot well. Do you know what I mean? And we've all pissed in a well. And it's thanks to people pissing in wells that one in five people that are stuck in a well actually do get rescued this, you know. Well, by boiling down the piss, using the phosphorus to create a flare.

Exact amundou, Ben. French service stations are a cut above, because they have like a restaurant there and kind of... Because to a Frenchman, the idea of going to a double H Smith, a news agent buying a sandwich and then eating that next to the road is truly disgusting. On the moon.

Where's the table wine? Where is it? Exactly. Where's the forested picnic area? Where's the dessert wine? Where are the children frolicking in a nearby fresh stream? Yeah, exactly. While also drinking wine.

But kid wine in a little squishy plastic thing. Makes it much more fun for the kids to drink wine that way. It's like, I like the normal wine, but to slightly stronger, alcoholically, but obviously they're very excited it's how it comes in down there. Yeah, because like that, yeah, that's what the French roads are sort of fueled on,

is like good, good, well-cooked steak. Because we're... Because we, you know, British drivers, like, oh, I need a piss. Where's the next services? French drivers like, I have not eaten a pepper, Berners sauce. For four hours.

For four hours. I have not tasted the sweet tang of Ophel in over two hours. They're French drivers. It's incredible the food you get in them. And what they're not into is, which I think that we are slipping towards in this country. I'm going to say it. Here we go.

Here we go. We're slipping towards something in this country. Truth time, stand back. And that is what I would call an entirely packeted food universe. Where everything that you eat pretty much comes in a brightly coloured packet, carton, can, or multi-pack.

Like my local garage, which has had a refurb now. Your local garage is like the kind of gastronomic scent of your life. Well, my local garage has had a refurb, okay? Was it hard while they were refurbing and you couldn't go in? It was pretty hard for me. As a lot of our listeners will know, that's where I get my Sniders, which for new listeners is the premium shattered oily pretzel

snack of choice in my life. That was banned in the EU recently. Actually, they didn't stop them anymore. What they do have there in my local garage is a kind of metal machine which is mounted on the till, which has a sign on it which says, the best hot dog in the world. Congratulations.

I know, it's on my doorstep, like literally. This is the thing about London. I can literally walk to a garage. All the world, is that all the world's cuisines? Not just all the world's cuisines. The highest standards. The best in the hot dog in the world. And it's literally in a metal device,

the size of a mini fridge in a hotel. It's mounted on the till. It's got one, just got one plug socket. It's plugged in. I don't know what the hell is going on in there, but it's incredible because it is making the best hot dog in the world. That's including America. Franklin Vet is as good whether or not you get it

when it's been in the machine for an hour, or if it's been in the machine for 48 hours. Anytime of day. Whether the guy or girl has to feed you that hot dog at 4am, through the kind of prison-style underdraw. Yeah. I've been there quite long. A security draw.

Yeah. They'd have to have been... They'd have to be... They'd have to be an electum meal. Like an electum. They'd have to be a point... Smooshing bits of Franklin Vet accidentally into the card reader. Smooshing it into the change that you've put in there to pay for it.

But also, they'd definitely have to be a point... They're long enough that you'd have to be a point where both of you are holding the hot dog. See, you're going to have to... It's a beautiful moment, though, isn't it? It's a beautiful moment. When you... It's human connection.

A bit of hot mustard rolls down the Franklin Verde from one finger to the other. Oh, and that... Exactly. It's like the ET fingers touching the moment, isn't it? It's communed. But through a hot dog, just to extend that. Through hot mustard.

Okay, not only that, it's also got a... Because it is a mini-service station, a garage, isn't it? Let's face it. It's very hard to get away with having a shower, though. In a lobby. That is true. Unless you're showering un-ledded. Also, it doesn't have a toilet.

Because there is that garage that's halfway between the two. Whereby I say, as soon as the garage... The toilet's in those always hot way. But as soon as the garage has a toilet, it becomes... An incredible... The shittest service station you've ever seen. It sort of raises it up a notch, but then becomes... It's sort of like just passing into heavyweight

but being the lightest heavyweight. So it just becomes... Well, they were hoping to become a really good petrol station, but what they became was a shit service station. Welcome to big school, runt. But it's now got two. My garage now has two of... Well, they're basically costa mobile units.

So what that means is... A vending machine, coffee vending machine, things. The word's very simplistic. I assume the way they work is... You know, in futuristic war films and stuff, there's a person in a kind of robotic suit. Yeah. So this is the same, but there's a barista, I think, in each one.

But with like a human face on a sort of... On a screen. Exactly. Exactly. And you can press different bits of the face. Yeah. Kind of like Iron Man. A bit like Iron Man, exactly.

And a bit cheeky. A bit cheeky with it. So there's a barista, I think, in each one locked into it. It must be because you just... You press the face, you order the coffee, and then... You stand there and you've got a costa on your doorstep, Mike. All I have to do is walk to this garage. You understand?

Have that slightly weird moment where you walk across a car fork. It's quite dangerous. It's not made for pedestrians at all. It's not made for... It's quite dangerous. People are reversing and doing all kinds of things. Weaving through HGVs. Yeah.

There's all kinds of stuff going. People are coming into the car park out. People are turning into the not very good car wash. I don't recommend it. People are reversing into the tire air stand. The interior hoover. There's an interior hoover on us. There's an exterior unit which has an interior hoover in it.

You can stretch into your car. But the point I was making was... It's about the packetization of British food. So my local garage now... Do you ever have this? You walk into these shops and every wall from foot to ceiling is packeted, packeted produce, bassets, Haribo, just packeted brands of pre-packaged, packety, packet, like packet, packet.

There's no... Just show me an onion. Please show me something that was once... Where's the fish counter? Where's the butcher? Show me something that was once in the earth. Where are the fresh scallops? Where's the basket of chipolatas?

Where are the lobster tanks? Where's the death row hog? I think death row hog is a much better name than hog roast. What are you doing for your wedding? Well, actually, we're just going to go for a death row hog. That's nice. Yeah, so has the hog been informed yet? Or...

Yeah, he's a dead hog walking at the moment. I mean, the teams of lawyers across the world are doing their best, but they've sold him up. Well, yeah, because the worst thing that could happen, of course, would be on the day of the wedding to have a last-minute reprieve, wouldn't it, for that hog? Also, you need to be careful what that hog has for its last meal, because that's going to taint the meat, potentially, depending on what it goes for. Yeah, just fill it full of apples, play it safe.

But did you know what I mean? There's something kind of quite scary sometimes, when it's just... Whereas in a French service station, obviously there's... Cartloads of, you know, beautiful fennels piled high. It's all just loose. Puddles of milk on the floor. Exactly. Loose organic.

Chickens laying eggs. Left, right in the centre. Yeah. The hustle and bustle of a busy farm, isn't it? That's the kind of... That's what you want in your service station. I once went to a service station in northern Italy, and had, I think, the best sandwich of my life.

Wow. Really? Oh, my God. Incredible. Like mozzarella-y, trepatter-y. Probably got incorporated into a 50th wedding anniversary celebration while you were there. Oh, yeah, I was putting...

You know, people are like on a chair, and they're lifting the chair up. Yeah. Yeah. That was you? Yeah. That was me. La, la, la, la, la. And you had sort of a...

You had a necklace of flowers put on you quickly. Before you knew it, you were married to a... I was married to the mayor's daughter. And then the same day, you probably... I've seen you've got a battering of her three massive brothers, did you? That's right. I've seen them. Yeah.

That was quite a sandwich. We love you, but you dare to sleep with our sister. Bob, I hate you. I love you. Oh, look, I love this guy, Benjamin. I'll buy you a sleep with my sister. I kill you. I love you.

That's Italy, isn't it? It's love and hate, passion all wrapped up. Absolutely. And great sandwiches. And delicious pello e ciabatta. And superb sandwiches. Ben, I had the most sort of middle-class fuckfest of a sandwich when I was in Italy, right, once.

Right. Okay. So, obviously, I went into the place. Obviously, okay. Darling, I can't believe this place. Look, they've literally got... They've literally got hams hanging from the ceiling. Look at them, but it's real.

It's real hams. They genuinely hang the hams from the ceiling here, not because they're pretending like they're doing Jamie's Italian. Not because they've been told to by the hedge fund. Yeah. They just have the instinct to do it. They have the instinct to hang ham. It's one of the ways to test if someone's Italian.

Give them a ham and see what they do with it. If it's not hanging from the ceiling within 30 seconds. If they're bitches, they'll pack it. They'll wafer it, pack it. But so, so, so I ordered the sandwich. Obviously, if I was in London, this was happening. It's like, fuck, you know, he's going to make it in front of me. I haven't got all bloody day, mate.

Obviously, on holiday, it's like, he's making it in front of me. He's lowering the ham. He's lowering the ham using the ham winch. And then sliced up the ham. Ham, simple mozzarella, simple tomato. And then he said to me, would you like a basil? I said, obviously, yes, I'd love some basil. And then, you know what he did?

So he removed the basil from the ceiling. He did. He then walked around the counter and out of the shop. Now, at this point, I was thinking, I've made a terrible faux pas. You idiot, Henry, of course you don't order. You've offended him. I've offended him. And now him and his brothers and his brothers' brothers

and their brothers' brothers will come for me till my dying day. These fine hams don't need basil. What you said was, essentially, they wanted to cover up the taste of his fine hams, which has been hanging for months. I'm going to be pursued out of Puglia, chased by a horde of vespers. Then, right, he walked out into the,

there was a kind of front garden area of this shop. He went out into the front garden, up to a shrub, pulled the basil, straight off the basil plant. That a dog could piss on not moments before. With his thick, strong, yet dexterous fingers. Yeah, exactly. Fingers that could, yeah, because it could pick up a shire horse.

And at the same time, Strummer mandolin. And could literally count how many bits of parmesan he was putting on a bolognese to the grain. Up to five. To five. To vignette is five. And he brought the basil back in.

Now, at this point, obviously, I was weeping. I was weeping like a child. And he used the salt of those tears to season the sandwich. To season the sandwich. And he put the fresh basil into the sandwich. And at that point, I had my, well, there was obviously the greatest sandwich of my life. Yes.

And, but you know, the way on holiday, there's always, you always feel someone's having a better experience than you. I am on the way out, I did see a British couple who read. Did your wife have the prawn mayo? Did she have the prawn mayo? My wife had the prawn mayo. It looked a lot fucking better, I tell you.

And the bag of really salted. The bag of really salted. No, but that freshness, I suppose the only way it could be fresher would be. So what would it, sorry, what would the other couple do? They're having a better experience. It doesn't get fresher than that, Ben. It doesn't get fresher, that herb.

I thought, or this is thought in closer, another couple that were eating their basil while it was still attached to the tray, so they'd moved the sandwich. They had the sandwich out there. If you squat next to a basil plant. Put the bread on the side of it. Shoving a tomato plant into the side.

You can eat, exactly from sides. You can eat basil that's still alive. Do you like a service station with a little bridge? When the bridge is there, it makes you think about the fact that all the other ones have like a sort of mirror image, one on the other side of the road, which is quite a kind of fricking... I didn't know that.

That's freaked me out. I hadn't thought of that. Yeah. That's maybe she'll genuinely be a bit sick. Does every service station have a mirror identical one? It's got its other place. Yeah, but it's a bit like Stranger Things, so there's a dark evil version on the other side.

Okay. So all the coffees will be cold. All the ops will be hot, depending if you're going eastbound or westbound. It's quite stressful. Yeah, it's quite horrible that. You sort of feel like where you are. It's not unique anymore.

It's just one over half, and you'll never see the other side. So when someone says Heston services... I've been to A Heston services. Is that why it's plural? I never even thought of that. Services. Heston services.

No, isn't that because it's the various services that you can enjoy, such as the massage chair, the Ginsters plinth. Yeah, yeah. The Yop B-Day. The Yop B-Day. The little chart where it tells you when was the last time the toilets were cleaned

and by whom, so you can hold them accountable. Accountability is everything in a service toilet. Yeah, so every services, they'll be like the northbound and the southbound one. And subtle differences in culture in each. Right, yeah. So there's a little bit of rivalry. Obviously, on the way out of London,

is a different vibe to people on the way to London. The one on the way to London will be more hopeful. It's people that have stars in their eyes, isn't it? There'll be a lot of people that are... Lots of musical programs. They're hoping they might see Michael Ball. Exactly. So there'll be people.

A lot of people working in the W.H. Smith will be belting out show tunes and stuff. They'll just be a little bit of pizzazz, isn't there? There's a little bit of... There's a lot of people talking about their plans, how they're going to make their fortune when they get there. Exactly. Yeah.

Anything can happen. They say, if you're in London, there'll be a lot of that stuff. Obviously, the one on the way out of London is more... The broken dreams. Broken dreams. Everyone wearing Union Jack baseball caps that they bought on Palmel.

Yeah, it's very much... It's midnight train to Georgia vibes, isn't it? They didn't see Michael Ball anywhere. Nope. All they got to show for it is a big Ben Pencil sharpener. That's it. Yeah. It didn't happen.

Well, and there'll be things like, the last person who cleaned this toilet was about a year ago, and we can't remember what it was called. That'll be the science. Whereas on the other one, on the way inland, there'll be things like, this toilet was cleaned 20 minutes ago by Christopher. In the one on the way out of London,

near the metal claw to grab the toys. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's only got two fingers on it. The third finger fell off. And if you want to waste ten quid, you can try and use the two fingers to rescue the third finger and try and reattach it. But you have to be a very, very skilled brain surgeon

if you want to do that. And if you're a very, very skilled brain surgeon, you'll be on your way into London. You'll be on the other surfaces. There's no toys at the bottom of it. There's just one furious rat. There's just one absolutely livid rat. Whereas on the services on the way into London,

the mechanical hand is actually the hand of Tim Rice. The hand of Tim Rice. He stretches his arm through it. He's lying down on top, on top of the box. He's had a couple of wheels attached to the small of his back that you operate. And all you have to do, and the way you operate him, is actually you compliment his lyrics in different ways.

And if you compliment them on there, Scansion Hill, and that'll move his hand to the left. If you say something about assonance, we'll go to the right. Oh, chess was timely, wasn't it? He plunges down onto the toy. Perfect strike every time. Okay, time for your emails. When you send an email,

you must give thanks to the postmasters that came before. Good morning, postmaster. Anything for me? Just some old shit. When you send an email, this represents progress. Like a robot, shooing a horse.

My beautiful horse! Our first email refers to a story you told Henry a few episodes ago about your experience at the National Student Drama Festival. Oh, yes. I thought this might coax a few skeletons out of the closet. So this is from Josh. The subject title is A Fellow Victim of the National Student Drama Festival. Oh, brilliant.

Oh, wow. Okay, I need this. I've never experienced this. Go on. Dear Beans, I was deeply harrowed while listening to the recent episode Tubes to be brought back to a place I'd long hoped to forget. Yes, I'm a fellow traumatized victim

of the National Student Drama Festival. Like Henry, I also created a mutual back-scratching event with some uni mates. At this time, a Bert Old Brecht play. Oh, great. The Resistible Rise of Arturo Ui. There we go. Yes.

Yes. Basically, it's got to be Becket Brecht or Inesco. Right? Yeah, that's it. Otherwise, forget it. There's a period in life up to about the age of probably about 23 maximum where you're sort of aware that there's a thing called The Resistible Rise of Arturo Ui.

And then 24 kicks in and it's like, forget it. I don't care. Yeah. When's the next Jurassic Park coming out? Delighted with ourselves and our insightful artistic ability, we headed off to Scarborough, full of hope and positivity. What sweet, sweet fools. I first realised it wasn't going down well during the first act.

Oh, God. At this point, the cauliflower people were shot by Ui and his goons. However, I had decided in a fit of artistic vision that they should be immortal. So they slowly got back up in an eerie zombie-like fashion. This is when I knew things weren't going well. As I heard the person in front of me whisper to her friend, no, please, stay dead.

Hang on. I don't understand. It's just the cast. Who are the cauliflower people? Is that the characters in the play? I don't know who's playing at all. He explains that. He explains that.

I truncated the message because it's quite long. OK. So maybe that's my fault. He writes, so Arturo Ui is basically Hitler but set in the cauliflower market. Brilliant. He says, the production of his batshit, Ui, usually played by one person, was played by three people,

handcuffed together, who had to walk around in lockstep. The cauliflower traders were strange cauliflower monsters with bits of cauliflower growing from their eyebrows. And there was a live skiffle band on throughout. It's so student, isn't it? But I think everyone in their life needs a period. It's part of development, isn't it? You have to be like this.

Where you try this kind of thing. But this is a trouble with the National Student Drama Festival is that you then get held to account for it in an absolutely cruel way. Well, here we go. Here's what, it's the next day we were similarly savaged in the cauldron of feedback and mocked mercilessly by Dame Janet Souzeman,

who was the Tim Pickett Smith of our event, who even ripped us a new one in Latin. What? Oh, I can physically feel the pain. It's not supposed to happen. You know what it would be the equivalent of? It would be the equivalent, Mike, of you taking a picture by one of your kids off the fridge

and getting grace and perry to give it an absolute put it through the shredder, do you know what I mean? It's just not right. Look, we're just dressed as cauliflower. Yeah, we're just trying to just leave us alone. Leave us be. And then they bring in these absolutely big hitters, Souzeman, Pickett Smith.

I'm afraid I don't know who Janet Souzeman is, do you? No, but I vaguely heard of it. I think she's a, isn't she an old, some sort of old Dame of the theatre? I'd like to reach out with solidarity and compassion to Henry and commend him on not taking it too hard. He has gone on to become a semi-decent cartoonist, a laudable profession.

Ah, thank you. Yeah, I will take that. I mean, kind words from Josh. It's genuinely quite nice to know that someone else went through the same thing, actually. Well, Josh was not held back. He writes, I only had the hand of now professional theatre director. What?

Still desperately trying to earn back Janet Souzeman's good opinion. Yours, dramatically, Josh. Good luck. Congratulations, Josh. I'm glad you turned it around. I hope you crack Souzeman soon. Do you want some more feedback on your story about doing Waiting for Godot at the National Student Drama Festival?

Yeah, I'm very happy. Very happy doing that. Dear Beans, just wanted to really applaud Henry for his 20-minute anecdote about the three-hour-long play Waiting for Godot. He managed to capture the true essence of the play because his anecdote was also boring, didn't go anywhere, and was overall a massive waste of time.

Oh, my God. Oh, welcome to Three Beans Salad. I'm back. I'm back in Scarborough. Back in Scarborough. It's happening again. Surprise. This was an undercover bollocking. In the summer, a bollocking of what we eat.

Bollocking loaded. Cheers, Ross and Bremen. Why, Henry? What can I say? I'm sorry. Look, he's flat as a pancake now. Don't shout any more bollockings on Henry's. Please not another bollocking.

He's ground with powder. Look at him. Another bollocking might finish me. It's that student thing of taking on the most hard work material out there. Brecht, Beckett. Do you know what I mean? You never get a good, a student production of like

aggression. That's what you want. Straight down the line, zero subtext, just this happened and then this happened and then this happened. And the pretty man was fine. The end. There were some shenanigans near the edge of a cliff. Okay.

Okay, final letter from Darren. Hi, Beans. I'm currently listening to Henry tell his tale of underground woe in the company of Paul Weller. This was the story in which Henry reflectively sang going underground by the jam at Paul Weller on the tube. That's right. Don writes, it instantly made me want to shit myself with shame.

As I remembered a similar occasion from the year 2008. I just moved to London at the time was rewatching the British sitcom, coupling. I was on the big glue line and looking up from my phone to see none of that. None other than Ben Miles sat in front of me. And acting from coupling. I assume he was in the sitcom.

Completely starstruck. I wanted to take a sneaky photo to send to a friend and fellow coupling fan. As I took the photo, the flash went off. Oh, God. And at the same time, my iPhone made that bloody awful digital camera noise.

Oh, God. Oh, no. He just glared at me. I wasn't due to get off until Baker Street, but I got off at Oxford Circus and waited for the next tube. Yours now crying in my car, Darren. So Henry, you're providing quite a good, sort of catharsis service at the moment, aren't you?

It's quite, it's nice that I'm not alone as well. There's this sort of, there seems to be, there's other people out there. There's been triggering outpourings of emotion. Hopefully people will, will feel, you know, that they've expunged some of the demons. I think I see you. Is what I would say.

Yeah. Was he called again? It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon, Patreon, Patreon.com. A big thanks to those of you who've signed up to our Patreon. Indeed, thank you. Thank you very much. We couldn't do it without you.

If you want to sign up on a Patreon, you can get bonus episodes. You can hear nowhere else. And there's various tiers. But one of the tiers is called the Sean Bean tier, and that gives you access to the virtual Sean Bean lounge where Mike was last night. I certainly was.

And a big evening, I believe, at the lounge last night. Oh, it was a huge one last night. After all, it was the... It was. It was the biennial poultry measuring Jim Burry, wasn't it? It was. It was. And well, you'll understand why it only happens every two years.

Here's my report. Or twice a year, we're not sure. Sean Bean lounge biennial poultry measuring Jim Burry results. Jeannie Byrne ring necked pheasant three cubits. Lisa Minogue White, Canada Goose, 18 foot candles. Stephen Wignall, Western Kevacaly, 4.7 moles. KCM Common Quail, four dog ears. William Wallace, Travel Spatch Cockrode Island Hen, 2.7 acres.

Dan Flynn, Red Jungle Fowl, 17 horsepower on tiptoes. Johnny, Eurasian Teal, 800,641 Scoville heat units. Benjamin Fairclough, Northern Bobwhite, 5 small hands. Illy Sheyab, Oscillated Turkey, 1 smidge and a minus inch. Swee, Common Pochard, 32 regular or 34 regular depending on the shop. Jessica Trussell, Disqualified. Bat, Danny DeVito, Swedish flower rooster, a fistful. Tom Rackham, Hooded Maganser, visibility of under 330 feet travel only if strictly necessary.

Rachel Adams, Northern Pintail, 18 screwballs dry weight, 24 in wet shoes. Laura Hurran, Gadwall, as long as a piece of string. Enigma Bob, Ruffed Grouse, 4 iotas. John Smith, Halesbury Mallard, 40 watts. And Chloe Bottoms, Benjamin Partridge, 1 magic bean. Okay, and this week, normally we play a version of our seam tune made by a listener. It's like changed the format this week. We got an email from Phil Evans from Bremen in Southwest London.

He says, hi beans. The other day my kids were playing one of their many loud musical toys when my ears pricked up. Play the spooky song, said one to the other. And what should emanate forth from a multicolored camera, but a minor twist in your theme tune? I've attached a recording and the truly eerie bit comes 20 seconds in. Brilliant.

Thank you. And he writes, this obviously means a copyright lawsuit for the beans is on the horizon. Mattel versus three bean salad. But I think we'll probably be okay. Yeah, it'll make a great Netflix docu-drama in about this time as well. That's true. Well, thank you very much. And thanks everybody.

Thanks for listening, everyone. Cheerio. Thank you. Bye. Bye.