Three Bean Salad - Sitcoms

Episode Date: July 6, 2022

Emma of the Seychelles sends the beans on something of a busman’s holiday with the topic of sitcoms. Ben gives our the listeners the scoop on his latest project, Mike digs his heels in on his wolf identification skills and Henry unlocks the secrets of his own past.Livestream tickets for our show in September: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/online-three-bean-salad/ Tickets for Mike Wozniak's tour of his new stand-up show Zusa: https://littlewander.co.uk/show/mike-wozniak-zusa/ Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladGet in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

Ben, are you okay? What's going on with you? We're falling apart here, aren't we? I've got the, I've got the honest that means you can't leave the house. Oh no, Mike's showing Mike's toe. I thought Mike was showing us an elongated toe that one of his toes was growing beyond the foot sort of area. You've got your sawgob Henry, which is ongoing. Ben's sort of just falling to pieces because COVID's got into the bean machine. That's right. No one's worked out how to sluice it out yet. No one even knows what the quarantine times are. It's very hard to get the bean machine to do a lateral flow test, exactly. It's very hard to know which of the liquids to use, you know, there's a lot of liquid coming out of that thing.

Also, the worry is if we are going to have a cyborg virus at some point, this could be... It's the perfect crossover spot, isn't it? It's the perfect crossover spot to develop for the virus to develop. The midriff of Benjamin Partridge. Exactly. Because even Ben doesn't know where does the machine end and where does he begin. I am the human wet market of this situation. You really are. You're lower intestine, the electropangolin. And it's three for two on putrid bats. You're absolutely, isn't it?

Yeah, this could be bad. It's pretty concerning. So, Mike, you've got a little, what looks like a little cut on the end of your finger. It's a... Oddly, it's a shaving cut. Really? Mm, which you don't normally get on your hands. Because you shave your entire face, don't you, except for the moustache area and eyebrows. Just keep going. Just keep going until I reach the end. I tried to pick my razor out of my wash bag and just took the little top out of the end of my

finger and it got snagged. Tiny, wafer-like wound, but blood-like bilio. Can I say, I'd have thought an x-dox like yourself would have done a slightly neater job of this sort of band-aiding. I've never ever claimed that I was a good doctor, Henry. That's true. That is true. That's very true. Also, he reflectively just shouted, nurse. Nobody came. Sort this shit out. I'm trying to eat a curry. That was his... One of his catchphrases.

You're battling through the gob pain, quite valiantly, Henry. Yeah, well... You're very brave. Thank you very much. I don't like to talk about it, but I am just soldering on without talking about it. But I think the fact that I'm not talking about it is something that I'm open to discuss, but without actually talking about it, because that's not the kind of thing I am. You haven't suggested talking about it is exacerbating the symptoms or anything? Well, actually, it is a problem which talking about does make it worse,

because you're not really supposed to talk. It's almost like a kind of... Have you been told you're medically over-liquacious? It's to do with the jaw, and it's to do with... Inability to shut up. The inability to shut up, and all the muscles involved in podcasting. Have you got podcasters jaw? I've got podcasters jaw, guys. It happens to all the big ones.

It happens to all the big ones. Well, that's why Joe Rogan has got such a muscly neck. And a muscly head. It's about a physio, he said, to compensate. Number of hours of podcasting. Yeah, he's done. He's built up. His head is pure muscle. His head and neck is stupidly muscly, isn't it? It's too muscly, but that's what you need as you get a podcast. That's the way you're headed.

By the way, I've just had a text from my next door neighbour saying... Keep it down. No, saying, Hi, Henry. I was just about to start jet washing the garden. I'm sure plants don't respond well to that, do they? High pressure hosing. And she said, and realised you're on a call. Could you let me know when it's convenient for me to start?

Maybe she's got one of those survival of the fittest gardens. Only the thorniest of brains will make it. Anything washed away by the jet doesn't deserve to live there. It's a very cacti-sy hard, inhospitable-looking garden. I didn't know what to do. What shall I do? What shall I say? Well, we'll be recording for a little while. I imagine if you could just close your window or something, so we can't hear it.

I'm sure it'll be all right. Jet washing might be quite... I mean, is she using... Is it with a sort of petrol Jenny or anything like that? Is it from a helicopter? Yeah, I don't know. Has she commandeered a crowd control pose? I think, from the look at it, it's rucksack mounted.

And I think it's... Like the Ghostbusters. Also, I think it might be flame then wash. Then sand. Flame wash and sand it down to just a sort of one molecule thick, sort of like powder, and then have it regrow. Gia, because you know the way... Because volcanoes destroy a forest, don't they?

But actually, in the long term, they re-fertilize it, don't they? You think that might happen to this podcast? Raisin' Bird. Because I am worried about, as you've got podcasts as Jor, you trying to Jor over the sound of jet washing. Oh, my God, that could be the perfect storm. We can see your Jor come off today. Oh, Lordy.

We must try and get a screenshot of that, of course. Well, for the Patreons. And I then have to hold it in place and try and just guess, move it up and down in time with my upper lip. Upper mouth. You have to animate your own face. I'd have to animate my own face. There'd be a big sort of skeleton cartoon vibe about you,

I think, after that. Yeah. Also, I think once the lower head's gone, as I understand the human body, you know, your knee bone is attached to your thigh bone, etc. You know, I think things are attached. So, I think at that point, my eyes, I suspect my eyes will start. You think you just domino to pieces?

I think it might be that. I think the eyeballs would certainly start slithering out, wouldn't they? There would certainly be a stage halfway through where you find yourself playing xylophone on your own ribcage using two bones from your legs. And it really would be laughter in the dark, from my point of view, because I think, wouldn't it?

But I would try and belt out one last improvised show tune. No, so I'm going to watch like... By the way, in terms of my name, but... Because it... Well, much like your leg bone is connected to your lower leg bone, your house is connected to her house by your knee bone. By my knee bone. Which I should have read the least properly.

He's clutching his jaw in pain already. It's part of an ongoing story, this. What I'm thinking already with my jaw is, if I could thread... You know the pole that keeps the bottom of a broom where it is? The... That keeps it where it is. What?

Well, the main section of a broom, I'm just thinking where they're at, because I've got... There's two bits of a broom. There's the handle and there's the brush. Yeah, the handle. I'm just thinking if I could run that through my head left and right. I could operate my jaw a bit like a table football player, you know what I mean?

And it's like, move it up and down. The temptation to spin it, though, would be too great. No spinning, Henry! So basically, yeah, this is part of an ongoing story, because two weeks ago, they had a big party. Her daughter had a party. So you've got a money in the bank? Yeah, I've got money.

Well, that was on Saturday night. That went to about two. As far as I was concerned, that was okay. But then following Tuesday, there was noisy stuff going on. They've got a kind of mini inflatable sort of pool thing we put up in the garden in the summer. And there was like 2 to 3 a.m. So what she's hosing off is, in fact, kind of wasted teenagers and libertines.

It probably is. It probably is. Stuck on the depths. Have you ever been that person, by the way? Because I was like, what do you do? I was like, I can't stick my head out the window and tell them to please be quiet, because that just means you've turned into that person.

Yeah, you've got to get in that hot tub. That's the only way you've got to join. You've got to join them. And you've got to be that guy, the other guy, the two guys you can be. You've got to anecdote this party to an end. Yeah, you've got to kill the vibe from the inside. And that's something that I do have form on. I can kill a party vibe pretty fast.

Assuming I've still got it. It's been a while since I've been at one, but now I consider going straight to police. I just thought, and making up a story about I've smelt drugs. Oh, wow. That's the other guy. Wow. And of course, I mean, that's the sort of thing that in West London, the Rosses, I mean, they'd be on like a shot, wouldn't they?

A slightly noisy party. Oh, yeah. And someone's back garden. Well, that's why I had to make up both the drugs and overhearing conversations being had about joining a terrorist movement. Yeah, yeah, I was going to add that in as well. These guys are the highest kites. I think there's a Basque separatist party going on in the back garden next year.

They're calling themselves the churros of vengeance. That's what they've named their little cabal. Okay. Shall I just tell her it looks great as it is? Why not recommend a movie she could watch that lasts about three hours? They're all rubbish, though. Aren't they? Come on, any, any, any Costner and you're in.

Dancers of the Wolves? Get on a Costner. There we go. Yeah, there we go. Bit of JFK. Bit of JFK, bit of Water World. JFK. He does do long films.

Bit of the Postman. God, he does really long films. So yeah, Descendotex saying, yes, by all means, but have you considered watching Dancing with Wolves? It's an excellent movie. It's dances with wolves. We're not dancing with wolves. This is the text I sent her the other day, by the way.

High X. Very good. It's Henry here. Good start, isn't it? It's Henry here, your back garden neighbor from X Road. I hate to be a big square. But there were some fairly noisy pool hijinks last night. 2 to 3.30 a.m. in brackets.

If you could possibly lean on them to keep that stuff to pre-bedtime, that would be much appreciated. Thanks so much, exclamation mark. Three X's. Three X's. You just written her name three times. Her name three times. What do you think of that as an approach?

I'm sure that the next door, they talk of you in the most respectful terms imaginable. I think they do, actually. Right, high X. I'm actually recording a podcast until about one. I like the tone of the previous text. You're used to the word hijinks. Yeah, was that good?

Yeah, I think it walked a tightrope between you being fun or being a killjoy. So you understand a bit of hijinks. Don't mind it, you found hijinks yourself, haven't you? Exactly, we've all been there. Exactly, I'm a cool guy. I am cool. But look, come on.

I'm not a low-jinks guy. I'm a hijinks guy, just like you. And you very cleverly didn't specify when bedtime was. So it could be that you've got quite a late bedtime. Exactly. I think you're a fun guy. I probably do. I'm probably the kind of guy who watches Newsnight till the end,

and then sometimes they even watch Question Time till about halfway through. Yeah, I'm that kind of guy. I'm like you guys, actually. But Henry, it was me in that hot tub. What? It was me and Mike in that hot tub. And Bluebell.

Bluebell. It's the only kind of water she likes, it's party water. You guys were having a lot of fun, it sounded like. Right, hi, ex. I'm actually recording a podcast until about one. I'd be hugely grateful if you could do this a bit later. If not, then no problem. I'm sure the Metropolitan Police will be fascinated to hear

about your children and their drug terrorism. And we'll be looking forward to decide which two. They're most likely to get a longer custodial sentence for it till they focus on gathering evidence for the drug crimes or the terrorism crimes. Perfect. If not, then no problem. I'm sure in fact, she's right here.

Shall I just say it to her face now? Yeah. I'm going to say it to her face. Okay. We'll just pick it up. Hi. Hello. Sorry, I was just texting you.

Sorry, I was just texting you, but I've seen you. I'm actually recording a podcast. Now, is there any chance you... ...well, we did it to about one. Is that all right? That'd be amazing. It's quite loud, isn't it? I mean, yeah, that'd be really...

Thank you very much. Thanks a lot. I'll pin you when I'm done. Cheers, bye. Did you hear that? I think that was masterful, Henry. It felt like you kept the mood light. I kept the mood light.

I did a lot of smiling. There were chuckles. Yeah, there were chuckles. I'm... Are you going to bring her over a bottle of rose later? Or anything? I might bring her... I might bring her over a bottle of rose, and I might...

But with a jet wash mechanism, just jet it into her face. Yeah. No, I think everything's fine now. Great. Well, let's crank Ben up and... Let's crank him on. See what's in the bean machine. Now, let's not crank it too hard, because as we say, it has been infected.

Yes. So, let me rephrase that. Let's put Benjamin in a hermetically sealed area. Deep under sea. Yeah. And crank up the bean machine. Okay, so this week's topic is sent in by Emma in the Seychelles. Oh, yeah.

From the back of a giant crab is... sitcoms. What's the premiere sitcom of the Seychelles, I wonder? That's a good question. Chairman Crabbe. Chairman Crabbe. I mean, I've written sitcoms. Henry's written sitcoms.

Mike has written sitcoms. Mike's been in sitcoms. I've been in sitcom. You've been in a sitcom, Henry. I've been in a sitcom. Oh, yeah. I played the character of Neil in the sitcom, Josh. Remember Neil?

You know, Neil. What? Good on Neil. Oh, Neil. It's ended the vernacular, hasn't it? You know, when he always done a right old Neil there. Oh, he's nailed it up again. He's lovely, but he's a bit of a Neil, isn't he? Yeah, yeah.

It's always in those top three sitcom moments, isn't it? It's Rodgers falling through... Not Rodgers. Delboy falling through the bar. Delboy falling through the bar. Delboy and Rodgers dressed as... Batman and Robin. Batman and Robin.

And then... Ben as Neil, guys. Up to his usual shenanigans. Oh, I've nailed it. And it's global, isn't it? Because it's what you've done is so universally. It's huge in Indonesia. It's all over the world, isn't it?

Well, it's sort of modern-day Mr. Bean time. Just everyone just gets it. Everyone can tap into that character. Well, that's why Netflix are making Neil versus B, actually. So that's my next big thing. With the same B? Same B is from Man Vs B, but with Neil from the sitcom Josh. Wow.

Also, the spin-off simply called Neil is obviously in the works. And that's the one where I've seen the poster you're flirting with, isn't it? Which is, it's Neil and he says, you going... He's a bit of a fish out of water in this one, isn't he? He's moved. Well, because I'm now in Roman Britain. You're in it, exactly.

And you're going... Because you remember that scene in Josh, which is obviously a identity to describe to the audience. But, you know, the energy you've got in that is so like... Isn't it? Like... Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah, that's right. Well, what is going on, isn't it? That's what... Yeah. So that... So now you're in Bloody Rome. So, like, it's even more so. But also, this spin-off series, Neil,

like, a lot of people are going to imagine, oh, it's classic Neil doing this kind of stuff that Neil was doing, obviously. But actually, now it's a bit more of, I guess you'd call it a dramedy? Oh, nice. So it's got a bit of depth, right? Got a bit of heart and soul.

Because, yes, he does get accidentally pressed gangman to being a gladiator for, you know, the story of the week. But actually, he works out that one of the gladiators there is sad, because he's pet Kestrel. Poorly. And even though it's set in Rome in Britain, it is shot entirely on Manhattan in black and white, is the kind of thing we're going for,

with really sort of grainy... By using old film stocks that we found in the Titanic, yeah. And... Also, there'll be that thing which, during the opening credits, is always good. It'll be like home video footage of Neil as a baby growing up. That's all. That gives something quite a good...

And I think Adele's doing the soundtrack, isn't she, as well? That is a real bit of emotional punch. Well, she loves Neil. I mean, everyone loves Neil. Well, she can really wrap her... She can get around those vowels, can't she? She's...

Because she's going to sing the word Neil. It's going to be the longest ever. The two vowel name, isn't it? Next to each other. You can't. It's a two vowel name. Well, just any old goal can manage that. You need a decent set of pipes.

You've got to commit. The idea is it's going to be one that's a bit like, you know, Whitney Houston when she does that one about... It'll be like that when it... Bet it could go on for so long. There's... That's what you're going to be going for, isn't it? That's huge.

And then, that's so emotional, because people that they've bought into the character, they've watched the Josh scene, they've... They've been waiting for years. They've been waiting for years to feel Neil. and to feel why, what made Neil, what made Neil who Neil is, right? And that's what you want to explore.

Well, a lot of the runtime is 22 minutes long, American sitcom length. Yeah. Almost half of that is just Adele singing the single with Neil. Which has never been done. Yeah. How's that?

So that's 11 minutes. There's credits as another couple of minutes. There's about three minutes for the sort of pre, the sort of home movie, early life stuff. What we left with there, we left with about sort of six, seven minutes or so of actual plot. And that's all you need, really.

Yeah. And you say plot, again, it's a dramedy. So it's more just me chatting with Aziz Ansari for a bit. That's kind of what I'm talking about. Just chatting about, you know, our thoughts. While like grabbing some pancakes in like this place. Yeah, exactly. And that kind of vibe in it's red news. Yeah, just get a sort of Roman British crepery.

Yeah. Just in like, it's Roman Britain, you're with Aziz Ansari. And like you're mooching around town, that kind of thing. Yeah. You're having coffees at left, right in center. You're mooch down to the Palladium, watch maybe watch a bit of a of a Roman theater show.

Maybe watch Cicero doing a set. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Neil's obviously eating a dormouse while watching it. Toffee dormouse on a stick. So yeah, it's like kind of modern, it's like modern New York meets Roman Britain through the prism of the character we all love, Neil. I'm glad you guys know about it.

Because I was really, I mean, to build up the, you know, to tell you guys about, because obviously I have to take some time off from the podcast. Yeah, we get that. Also, I did lean on the producers to try and cast you too, but sorry guys. Well, the trouble is, you know,

we overlap with that universe, don't we? Because I, and you know, we've got our own, I mean, I've certainly got my own side projects that I'm exploring to do with my appearance in Josh. I played a character whose name may escape me. But that doesn't mean that that character escaped having a big impact on the emotional sort of, you know, mood of the nation.

But I, yes, I appears to character in that sitcom as well. I remember you wearing a trilby in it. Yeah. Well, I remember that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, well, vividly, Henry, I'm not currently, I wouldn't currently be googling to see what that. Yeah, oh God, no.

But I am, you know, a lot of the great, a lot of the greatest performances, it is something that they're wearing that you remember. Isn't it? You're talking about, of course, when you played Kevin, the role of Kevin in Josh. That's right, yeah. I mean, who could forget Hannibal Lecter's trousers,

for example? Yeah. I played, I did play the role of Kevin in Josh. It was a big shift from your previous, I mean, your previous housing on IMDb from Policeman 2. It's, I tell you what, you don't, it tell you one thing that I will say that's good about my IMD entry is it's not going to exhaust

your rolling up and down the screen finger. It's not, well, yeah. But I mean, it's, but there's an intensity to your performances. You see this. Well, they often say. For when you were in patient seven and you played the body, for example.

Well, a lot of, you know what? A lot of people said, I wouldn't be able to follow up. You know, it'd be impossible to follow up that performance as Kevin in Josh. And I haven't. So I didn't even remember these other roles. Did I play Policeman 2? Well, I don't know.

It's what it says, but equally on IMDb, it says that I was a production assistant on the Hebrew Hammer in 2003. Which I think I would remember. Yeah, it says, yeah, Henry, that you played patient, you played Policeman 2. It's something called patient seven. You remember?

I mean, obviously, you know, when you've got, when your character name has a number after it, it's not, it's not generally a good sign. But when the show itself has a number after it, that I've never come across. Even the show wasn't even patient. It was patient seven. It looks like it's a movie.

I don't think you were in this, were you? Hang on a second. So I played patient two, did you say? You played Policeman 2 in patient seven. Policeman 2 in patient seven. The main stars are Michael Ironside, Jack Plotnick and Drew Fonteiro. You do talk about those guys a lot.

So I do. Well, you know, you do become very close on these productions. One of the things about the industry that is really tough is that, you know, you get close to people like Jack Munro and Wally Chumpernickel. And you've been on Wally Chumpernickel's podcast for countless times.

Oh, Chumpernickel. She gets a bit bawdy for my taste, but... What, Chumpernickel and Chums? You do get very close to these people. And then you don't, and then you don't see them again because you're off to the next thing, you know. You're off to Policeman 2. Are you all right?

What are you, we're playing Policeman 2 in patient seven. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Then you're playing The Bodley. No, no, no, Mike, look closely. So in 2016, Henry Packer played Policeman 2 in a film called Patient Seven. In 2013, Henry Packer played the character of Policeman 2

in another film, an entirely different film. Well, they brought me back. That was so good. In 2013, he played Policeman 2 in The Bodley. And then in 2016, he played Policeman 2 segment The Bodley in patient seven. It's quite circular. Oh, my God.

You've also got one credit in archive footage, which I haven't seen anyone having... Oh, it's very, very hard to get cast in archive. I tell you what, it's a hell of a process. I think you played The New Year in that. I don't quite know how you pulled that off. It's more of a vibe when you're playing The New Year. That's true.

Except... God, I've actually never looked at this, Mike. I'm going to have to look at it now. I'm going to try and make sense of this properly. I don't think you necessarily can. Two photos that come up on my AMDB, where I look a lot like Jessica Chastain. That might be why your ratings have rocketed.

I'm just looking at mine. You played in Stella, you played in 2012, you played Walker, which isn't clear if that's the character's surname or if it's... Or his main acting duty. Yeah, so as it appears on AMDB, it looks like I played a character called Walker, but I was just a Walker.

I always seem to remember you being a postman in that. I was a postman. I know, hang on. I was a postman. But that's not on the AMDB. I also played an estate agent in the same show, in a different series. Wow, you were properly saw Peter Sellezzing

about the place back then. Ten years ago. I had a dog that had to walk. I don't know if you had this experience. If you ever have a dog in a film set, it can't just be a dog. It's like a trained dog. And the guy who's the dog handler

is like a guy who's been paid loads of money just to stand next to a dog. And I wasn't allowed to hold onto the dog's lead while... If the film wasn't rolling, I wasn't allowed to hold onto the dog. He had to hold onto the dog. Because at that point, it was an attempt to dog-napping. But as long as...

But when the film was rolling, you could, could you? You'd have had to be paid for a stunt or something otherwise. Is that right? What is it? It was very stupid, but he was so on it. So as soon as they went cut, he grabbed the dog off me as if to say no. You can't be trusted with this dog. Untrained my dog.

Exactly. And so I had to spend a lot of time with this man. And he had to stand next to me the entire day. And we tried to chat, but we didn't have a lot in common. He didn't trust you. No, he didn't lie to me. It was very strange. And then we were talking about training dogs.

And out of nowhere, like we'd been silent for a long time. Like our attempts at conversation had fizzled out so much that we hadn't spoken about half an hour. And if from nowhere, he very quietly said to me, some nice people say to me, could you train a wolf? He'd be waiting for you all day to ask him that. And if no one asks him that, he has to say. Solid three hour window to pose the obvious question.

He's thinking about whether I can train a wolf. He must be thinking about whether I can train a wolf. He's not mad. Because you can see a trainer dog. It's the next logical step, isn't it? Can he train a wolf? But he's not asking me. Just give him time.

And then eventually he cracked instead. And so he said, oh, OK. Can you train a wolf? And then he said, funny you should ask me that. Yeah. And his answer was, some people say they can. And you could try. And you might even think you've got it trained.

But you'll never have it trained. Oh, my God. I don't want to hear that. I don't want to hear that. I'm too much of a fan of Diefenbaker from due south. Is that a wolf? What's that? He's a wolf.

He's a husky, isn't he? He's a wolf, mate. He's a wolf. That's a big part of the show. He's got a wolf. No. Yeah. Yeah.

I didn't even know what you're talking about. Due south, classic 90s telly. Fish out of water, a mountain as to go to Chicago. It's teamed up with a street wise copper. It does look a bit like a wolf. What? It was a wolf. No, it's not.

It's a wolf hybrid. But in the show, it's a wolf. So does that mean it's a wolf that's been adapted so that it's partially run on electric? I do remember some experiences of filming on the sitcom when I played Kevin, which was, I remember, there's so many big, heavy sort of people walking around with big objects and machinery and pipes and cables.

I found that quite intimidating. Because it was supposed to be taking place in a pub, but it was a pub that was full of all these people wandering around wearing black clothes carrying pipes and cables and stuff. Because they wanted to film it? Because they wanted to play film. Which really put my off.

I'm trying to relax and have a nice time in a pub. But I do remember one thing, which is, I remember I was saying the line and I thought, I said it the first time and I was like, I've absolutely nailed this. Brilliant. I said the line, I got all the words out in the right order. Bob's your uncle, let's do this.

We're done, sort of thing. And then the director came up and I'd been preparing this line over and over again the night before, as actors do, right, Mike? I saw what I understand, yeah? Yeah, I did the right thing. And then the director came up to me and said, actually, can you do it a bit slightly differently?

I was absolutely fucked at that point. I've been doing it over and over again the same way last night, mate. What the hell are you? Look, if you go into Pret, they got prawn sandwich, you buy the prawn sandwich, you eat the prawn sandwich. You don't go, I'm your prawn sandwich, right? This is what you bought.

I'm your prawn sandwich, you can't start going around going, sorry, can you put some very thinly sliced courgettes in there? Can we make this crayfish, please? How's about it? Yeah, that would involve going back into the kitchens, changing things, you can't just do that on the spot. That involves, that has to go all the way up to hierarchy of Pret. That's to be approved at top level.

Well, that's the thing, Henry. What they thought that they'd employed was a sandwich chef, but they'd bought a sandwich. They'd actually bought a sandwich. Off the peg jump. But what I did, I kept on trying, but basically his note, the note was, can you say it quicker? And I kept on, well, I couldn't work out was.

I kept on trying to say it quicker and he kept on coming up to me after each take and going, sorry, no, can you actually just say it quicker? And I was starting to sweat, I was like, bloody hell, I can't, I mean, I couldn't work out. Does he want me to say the actual words quicker? Or does he want me to reduce the pauses in between? You can't be saying things like in fast forward, that's going to sound mad.

I think he was after both. I think he was after a bit of both, but I didn't think he imagined that you would break it down. Okay, because he hadn't met you before. Here's a phrase. I'm going to say it, cheese and onion. Yeah. So how do I say that faster?

Cheese and onion. Okay, I've reduced the pauses in between the cheese and the onion. But you've also made, you've also said them faster. No, I'm not going to say cheese and onion. That's mad. Great take, Henry. Thanks. That's a wrap on you.

We're done. It really is like working on Henry. That is a wrap on Henry, really. It is like, well, it is the acting equivalent of a sandwich chef. Absolutely brilliant. Right, we can move on. It's only a small part, so great to have it wrapped rather than spending ages on it when it costs literally every second

that passes costs about £1,000. Brilliant. Perfect, really good. Probably, you know what? Probably, probably cast him again in the next series, this one. Probably get that note over to the writers and the producers and cast him again, this one, yeah. Rather than not casting him again.

That would be my idea. In this or in anything else. Across the medium. Medium-wide, yeah. I won't, we certainly won't be putting a medium-wide ban on this one. On this fella. 2013, you say you won't be cast again till 2022, you're joking. Do you know what I mean?

Fucking hell. Yeah. No, but I kept on trying to say it. I was trying to say it faster. I couldn't, because here's the other thing that I found really hard. I wasn't actually saying the line. I was, I pre-learned the line and was having to say it as if I was saying it. That was one of the other elements.

That was the other element. That's your view of acting. I couldn't get mad. Don't just say it. Don't just say it like you mean it. Say it as if you are a person who is pretending to say it like you mean it. No, but that's the truth of the situation is I've pre-learned this. If I was actually ordering a pint in a pub, I'd have no problem.

Cheese and onion, please. Thank you. Pints of cheese and onion, please. But it's not a problem I ever have in real life. I never go to a pub and they say, sorry, can you say that a bit faster? Do you know what I mean? But suddenly in this world of fiction, I have to go around saying things to the speed that is dictated by someone else. How is that real life?

You say things at your own pace. Sometimes you're in a mood where you're just saying things a bit slower. That's the truth sometimes of a character. Maybe it's the truth of me and I'm a real person. I'm more real than Kevin. I'm telling you that. And suddenly I'm having to go around, you know, to the drum of Kevin. It's not even real.

No, frankly, I'll do it the other way around. Thank you. Kevin can go to my drum. But great. I mean, great. It is fun. Is it just showing these these these showbiz? Good to relive that.

And I can tell you. I can tell you some stories about when I play policeman 2 and patient 7 or patient 2 and policeman 7. Drone. Here you go. Here's the salad you asked for. Oh, no, Neil. I said get me a Caesar salad. Not get me Caesar's salad.

Oops. Neil. Now, before we get on to the emails, thanks to everyone who bought a ticket for our live show. It is now sold out. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Just mad.

Apart from, of course, live streaming tickets, which are unlimited and go on sale. And now we'll now be on sale. I'll put a link to that in the show description. Let's bring the world together. Yeah. And not only are we doing a live show. Someone within our ranks is also going out on the road. That's right.

It's a tour from policeman number two. The character you know and love. They're calling it the patient seven tour. Finally, you can ask those burning questions. What happened to policeman one? Was there a policeman number three? Are you sure at the show was called patient number seven or not? Police were number seven that you went back and patient number three.

I just it's not that's not true. It is in fact the stand up talent that is Mike Wozniak. It's on tour. Oh, my God. Yeah. It's a placeholder tour while we're waiting for Henry to get the policeman two tour up and running. Well, it's it's running to a lot of, yeah, in the rehearsals and stuff. I know that a lot of people have died already in the rehearsals.

Yeah. There's been a lot of creative differences between me and Tim Rice. So in the meantime, to try and try and temper the sort of the live lust out there. I'm doing the stand up tour next year, which I'm very excited about. And you can get tickets to that as well, which is via the it's with the Little Wanda Gang, who run McHunforth Comedy Festival and many other things on their website, littlewanda.co.uk. I'll put a link in the show description so people can find that there.

When does the when does the tour begin Mike? Well, I think the February the 7th is the first date that's out at the moment. There might be some early ones in January coming out. What is the show called? It's called Zusa ZUSA. It's a stand up show. It's about principally member of the Polish side of my family who had to flee war-torn Poland and tried to track down her husband many, many, many miles away

with the war nipping at her heels. And it's it's her her tail or at least my attempt to grapple with it. That sounds very good. Bit of fun. Liverpool, Manchester, Leicester, Birmingham, Plymouth, Belfast, Cork, Sheffield, Hell, Cambridge, Bristol, Oxford Leeds, Reading, Brighton, Exeter, Edinburgh, Glasgow, Newcastle, Abbott Tyvey, slash Cardigan, Nottingham, Cardiff, Worthing and London and possibly a few more.

Will you be going Henry? No. No, I'm just I would. I'm just I'm just quite busy on those. It's just the way it's fallen already because there might be some other London days in January. Maybe I don't know yet. Yeah, January's really bad.

There might be a block of them. For me, I'm trying to work that out. Well, I can't block sight. Yeah. No, it's just I've got various a lot of the post. There'll be a lot of post dental stuff, meetings and the blue bell ongoing. She's with blue, but it's simply not really. Well, I could always video on my phone.

I could send you that. You could watch that. He's got to protect and watch it together. I could video on my phone. I could come around yours and we could sit and we could watch it together. It's really really busy at that. We'll have a night off at some point. Oh, it's nonstop though.

The way we are, honestly, Mike, honestly, getting a Londoner to sit down and watch is impossible. It's like, get out of my way, mate. I'm like, get away. Hey, that's what it's like. And that's the life I've chosen. And one of your games, I could do it if you're getting trains and stuff on to different stuff.

I mean, I could do it to you on the tube or something. I've got a lot of spam. I've got a lot of spam emails. Get on the back of your Brompton. Someone's got to unsubscribe from my spam emails. Mike, are you offering to do it for me? Or is anyone on the Little Wanda team offering to do that? I don't think so.

I'm going to unsubscribe from my own junkie email. And then you'll get it wrong and you'll probably get it wrong. You won't understand the settings properly. Some of the ones I do will updates weekly, but not. But I tell you what, I will say is I'll do my best to come and see the show. Yeah. How do you say, Mike, it stands up to Phantom of the Opera? Using that as a sort of central point.

Going from there, how do you get to Zusa? So, well, obviously, if Phantom of the Opera is the golden benchmark. Absolutely. Then, yeah, Zusa would probably be the fleeting guano on its surface. It would rapidly be cleaned off it. But that in itself is a huge compliment, isn't it? I hope I'm not sounding too arrogant there. If you got a review from the Evening Standard saying Mike was the ex-Zusa,

struggles to be in the same ballpark as a dangleberry hanging off the furry anus of... Andrew Lloyd Webber. Andrew Lloyd Webber. And it's Phantom of the Opera. I mean, just to be even in the same sentence or paragraph as any of the words in Phantom of the Opera would be enough for me. And Sarah Brightman is in it? Sarah Brightman is a key part of the show.

She's driving me. She's not technically in the show, but she'll be driving me around. About the place she's got herself a new Tesla she keeps going on about. Great. So, yeah, she says she's driving. She's going to use the autopilot method, I think, which I'm a bit nervous about. And also, she's quite good at finding a good sort of Mott & Bailey castle and local museum for something to do in the day between gigs.

Yeah, she's good at spotting a brown sign, isn't she? She has got an amazing kind of vision where she almost only sees brown signs, isn't it? It's like a kind of only hair and certain insects. I can see the brown sign, just the brown sign spectrum. So, with that behind the wheel, I wouldn't assume that I'll necessarily make it to all of the gigs. But, I mean, if you are at any of the venues and I haven't turned up, then probably head to the nearest brown sign and I'll be there with Brightman. And we'll just do the show in the nearest lay-by.

Great. Yeah. Well, let's move on to your emails. And now, big moment here. Last week, we talked about making an email jingle. Henry had a couple of stipulations for it. If I remember correctly, I think it was that he wanted to include the sound of a horse being shod by a robot. That's right.

I think that was to sort of show the connection between old and new when it comes to email. It's an old form, writing, but in a new way. He also wanted a nod to the old postmasters. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. And I've run with those two themes. Great. And create adult jingle for you.

I'll have a little listen then. To the postmasters that came before. Good morning, postmaster. Anything for me? Just some old shit. When you send an email, this represents progress. Like a robot shooing a horse. Give me your horse.

My beautiful horse. There you go. That was very good. I hope that satisfied what you were after, Henry. I didn't even know I was after that and I satisfied something in me. Well done, Ben. Lovely. Thank you.

Emails. Esther writes, Dear Beans. I live in the centre of York and one evening, I was walking home from the pub filled with the kind of unearned confidence that you only get from ingesting two glasses of wine pre-dinner. Okay. Yeah. I happened to be passing the Jorvik Viking Centre, which was obviously about to close and there was a woman dressed as a Viking standing just outside the door.

It was at this point I remembered that a woman who worked at the Viking Centre had written into your show not long before. You had instructed in an earlier podcast that if we suspected another person of being a listener, we should gently whisper, Pompadoo. And with my inhibitions suitably loosened and nothing better to do, I thought it's worth a shot. What have I got to lose? Spoiler.

It was not worth a shot and I had everything to lose. I approached her. Also, she was pissed as a fart, remember that? So she probably shouted it at the top of her lungs. Ben, yeah. I approached her and tentatively said, I don't know if this has ever happened to you before, but Pompadoo, there was an uncomfortably overlong pause while she just looked at me with a pure incomprehension of someone who had definitely never listened to three being

salad before she said, no, that's never happened to me before. It was soul crushing, nice scurried away. Oh, dear. Oh, brave Esther, brave drunken Esther on the streets of York. By the way, it's just in case any of us don't know, your Yorvik Viking Centre is a fully underground one-to-one recreation of Viking Era Britain, isn't it? Which spreads the entire size and shape of our actual current United Kingdom of Britain. Yeah, it's like an underbrit, it's an underbrit.

It's an underbrit and where everything is as it was in the Viking times. Yeah, they didn't set it up. They excavated it, didn't they? Yeah, exactly. They excavated it down and it's full of waxworks of Vikings and waxworks of Saxons. Well, this is very pertinent to the next email, Henry. Yeah. This is from John.

Greetings, Beans. I write to you with the most terrible tale of woe. Relatives from Wales visited at the weekend of the Jubilee and we decided it might be a good idea to travel the short distance from East Yorkshire to York to visit a museum or two. Oh. But which ones? I know, I said confidently. We can get a 20% discount if we go to the Yorvik Viking Museum.

The archaeologist in-laws were keen and so off to Yorvik we went. The seven of us strode up to the counter and having got the tickets and the price, I asked if I could have 20% off because of the podcast and pompadou. Hang on. I thought, why are you doing that with these people? I think we vaguely suggest you. I'm pretty sure we did. Yeah, I think that's our fault.

That's on us. I think we did say that there was a pompadou discount at the Yorvik Viking Museum. There absolutely isn't. Yeah, yeah. Well, what came the confused reply from the lady behind the counter? And after I tried to explain what the podcast and the pompadou discount was, she then asked, how long ago was this? I must confess that I didn't know if, with the passing of Mr. Pompadou himself,

I didn't have to discount to no end with. And I bet, I imagine, and I imagine people who work at the tell-of-the-viking centre always do this in some situation. She then would have said something like, just because it's the Yorvik Viking Centre doesn't mean you can pillage your way through our ticket system. Lovely. Very nice. Thanks, mate.

John writes, I just thought you might like to save others as the embarrassment of pompadouing themselves in Yorvik without due care and attention. Or, as I'm sure Henry would prefer, you could launch a full Viking raid on the museum and seek a pompadou tithe from the very patient ladies behind the counter who were extremely polite and understanding with the large, foolish man and an embarrassed family of six. Oh, sorry, John. Sorry, everyone.

John's family. And just to reiterate, the only freebean salad reduction anywhere in the world at the moment is... The Dragon Soup Cafe. The Soup Dragon Cafe. And that's begrudging. That's very right. It's getting increasingly begrudging. May I read you the next email? OK.

This one had the subject title, urgent pompadou discount jeopardy. This is from the Soup Dragon Cafe. Oh, right. Dear Beans, I have a few points to raise regarding the ongoing pompadou discount. We are happy to offer this to anyone who speaks the past phrase, but we are dealing with a certain amount of pompadou fatigue from the front-of-house staff, especially Michelle. Oh, Michelle.

Oh, dear. Now, on to the serious matter, pompadou abuse. Oh, this is... Yeah, this is not a fun area, is it? But we have to look at it head-on, don't we? Yes. And talk about it. I had a family of four come in today.

They received their pompadou discount from Michelle. And after cooking for them, I came out to say hello as they paid. And to make sure the pompadou discount was properly applied, I find it's good to have some three-bean chat with people who invoke pompadou and to recommend other podcasts featuring the beans. So that's obviously alfacas. I imagine it's just alfacas. And you're new alfacas behind the scenes part.

That's right, yeah, yeah. I started my bean chat, but got a blank look. Becoming suspicious, I asked what he thought of the new Bluebell jingle and who his favourite bean was. He said he had no idea what I was talking about. He did neat beans and he didn't listen to podcasts. He didn't listen to podcasts. I was stunned, stupefied.

On autopilot, I put through the discount and returned to the kitchen. My brain was fried. I did only great things for the rest of the day. The entire menu became grated. I need a solution. I cannot go through that trauma again. How has this happened? So I think essentially what's happened is the pompadou discount has somehow leached out of the podcast

listenership and is now in the general population. Onto some TripAdvisor thing or something. Oh, maybe. Anyway, he writes, here are my thoughts about weeding out non-listeners who are not entitled to the discount. Or two-stage security. Well, he says one, there should be a pre-approval process via email. The admin of this must go through three bean salad. I don't have time.

Ben, why are you saying that as if it would be you that that would fall to? No, he's saying he doesn't have time. Oh, so I thought you were saying I thought you were saying I haven't got time to do that. No, no, he's saying we have to bear this, which I'm going to push back against, I think. Okay, fine. Two, successfully completing a short quiz on three bean salads to prove they're a listener before ending the discount. I think that's fair.

Or three, cancelling the existing pompadou discount and putting out a new code word. I think that's got to be it, isn't it? The last one, surely. It's that or bring the whole thing down, which I'd hate to do. The hope is that bean listeners are making their way by way of pilgrimage, and they're shifting some extra flans. Yeah. I wonder whether every episode we have to give the new code word of the week.

Oh, right. That's quite good. That's quite a sort of World War II sort of enigma approach. It is. Yeah, that's not a bad idea. I mean, potentially, I don't know how our Soup Dragon Cafe gang, I mean, are we requiring them to therefore listen in a timely fashion when they just want to listen in their own time, and not everyone listens when they come out, do they?

That's true. I feel like the quiz system, maybe, is the best one, but that needs to be administered, and those questions need to be updated, don't they? And by the sounds of things there, employee Michelle is already kind of at the end of a tether when it comes in. Michelle sounds like she's really... This is good, but it gives Michelle extra work, doesn't it?

Yeah. Is there a way we can create a kind of audio QR code, or does that mean they have to sing a jingle? I don't quite know that. I mean, I tell you what, there is a quicker way around this, which is just pay full, bloody price for your coffee, man. So you're saying we should bring it to an end, which would change this commercial relationship?

I feel the person who should have the most say in this is the person who's got to deal with it. I think Michelle is the person who should have the casting vote on this. Good point. So I think if Michelle was presented with the possibility, either she can ask them, can you name all of the pets? Perhaps even a trick question or three pets.

Oh, and they have to answer, there are only two. And if they can manage that, but if she says, get stuffed, I've had enough of this, then that's that. Okay, so officially, I think our official response to this, our official response is that there may be some sort of test quiz. Pompadou may work, but we are no longer able to guarantee Pompadou discounts

and that Michelle has final say, and there is to be absolutely no funny business, no hijinks, or no dilly-dallying, shilly-shallying, or monkeying about with Michelle. What Michelle says goes. Can we use the phrase Michelle's discretion? Michelle's discretion is paramount.

The Pompadou discount is at Michelle's discretion. There you go. In a way, I feel like we've offloaded the problem onto Michelle, haven't we? We've actually given her... She's now got to think about her discretion and how she hands it out. Well, maybe a pay rise for Michelle? Yeah. Coming out, not from us, but...

Well, presumably that 20% pay rise is coming out of Michelle's wages. Already, it's got to come from somewhere. So she's now got to administer the same sort of... to the thing that's reducing her wages. Well, I think now... We probably need to hear from the next person who tries to get the Pompadou discount and just tell us what happened. Then, you know, then we'll sort of move forward together.

Yeah. OK, thank you for that, Super Dragon Cafe. OK, and finally, I think it's time for Listener Bollocking of the Week. Oh. Accessing Listener Bollocking. Bollocking Loading. Listener Bollocking of the Week. Bollocking Loaded.

Dear Beans, this is from Mark. For over 10 years, this is a bollocking for Mike. Oh dear. Go to alright, Mark. I'm ready. For over 10 years, my wife, Carrie Petzold, has received mail addressed to Carl Petzold. Due to a transcription error.

This has led to years of amusement for me as I announce a latter few Carl when everyone appears in the post-box. Very good. It's also spiced up our love life by suggesting some obvious role-play scenarios in which I pronounced Carl with a hard German accent. Probably the less said about that, the better. My world came crashing down last week

when Mike Wozniak incorporated my name into his otherwise fantastic Sean Bean Lounge narrative. Mike referred to me as Mark Petzold. Did I? Single-handedly putting an end to both my good nature teasing and our creative romantic situations. I'm asking Mike to do the right thing and address me by my actual moniker.

Petzold is pronounced Petzold. I do apologise. And he wants, he wants it as Mark Petzold, and not Carl or Carrie or... He wants to be called Mark Petzold and not Mark Petzold. He wants to be called by his actual name, you mean? Yes.

Alright, okay. I can make that right, Mark. Bollocking accepted. Bollocking accepted. We've also got a message from, I don't know how to say this person's first name, either Yona or Iona, depending on where she's from. Her name is Iona or Yona Yamaguchi.

She writes, Mike switched the last two syllables of my name. Oh my. And it's a composition I've never heard before. I'm quite impressed. So she's not that upset about it. But you must have called her Yona Yagomuchi. Oh dear.

Dreadful. Dreadful business. Total apology to both. And yeah, I'll brush up on my literacy, I guess, before the next one and try and make it right. Multibollocking accepted. Thank you to everyone who signed up on our Patreon. Thanks everyone.

Thank you. There are many different tiers, which you will get different benefits, but there is also the Sean Bean Tier and that gives you access to the Sean Bean Lounge where Michael was last night. I was. I was with Mark Petzold, would you believe it?

Mark Petzold. Yona Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi. Yeah. Oh, it was terrific. It was great fun because, of course, it was the... Annual.

Yes. Sean Bean Lounge. Correct. Ringbinder Derby. It was. It was. Derby's happening down the Sean Bean Lounge. It's the weather, isn't it?

It's very good. It's great Derby weather. Yeah. And yes, I've got a report for that for you right here. Hot vibes at the Sean Bean Lounge last night for the annual Sean Bean Lounge Ringbinder Derby, as a brand new track was unveiled in the shape of Mark Petzold. In the absence of Sean Bean himself,

the event was adjudicated by Iona Yamaguchi, appearing as her alter ego, Yona Yamaguchi, owing to a clerical error. Megan Cassidy was first down the Petzold nose, riding a classic O-ring, A-4 ringbinder of horse-drawn. She took a strong lead early doors, as Charney Too Good and Kerry Smythe found their expandable pop-a-pocket polyfile

wallet snagged in the left Petzold eyebrow. Team D-ring, comprising of S-Field, Jamie Steele and David Horner, were caught attempting to sabotage the Petzold hairpin armpit, and hole punched at a bad angle at Ostentory's station as Justice Justice Station. This cleared the field for Rebecca Edwards' steam-driven leader arch to plow down the slope of Petzold's neck,

buffeting Lemolian's illegal manila envelope into Dave Todd's A6 He-Man minibinder, which squads Dave Robertson's PVC overboard Ryman's classic and covered the track in service records from a Citroen Saxo he sold in 2006. Sam Ellis broke a stationary speed record down the Petzold in a left thigh in a laminated ringbinder from a conference

repurposed for personal use, and gave credit to Griffith Jones, who cheered him on with gusto from the Petzold-pubed entry. Clairvon D-True 118 and Nathan Vandermollen-Peter were disqualified in absentia for attempting a shortcut through the forbidden Petzold Anus Cave, a place from which no ringbinder has ever returned. Sam Churchard could have taken gold

had his four-ringed forkbinder not misaligned, spewing polypropylene sheet protectors out of the site and wedging him in the Petzold natal cleft. Instead, Violet Snow took that honour, bursting through the Petzold right shin finish line in a classic Swiss Federal. Violet dedicated the win to Louis Light's inventor of the ringbinder fingerhole

for convenient removal of ringbinders from packed shelving units. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. OK, before we go, let's see which version of our theme tune is going to play us out. This is from Samantha in Berlin, brackets approximately 250 miles from Bremen. She writes, Dear Beans, please find the touch and recording

of your theme tune on Herdy Goody. Oh, lovely. She says the Herdy Goody's traditional string instrument with a wheel instead of a bow. The player turns a crank to sound the strings and presses keys to play a melody. The instrument also has a high and low drone strings and a buzzing bridge to create a rhythm.

In other words, it's... You could basically be describing the bean machine pretty much all of that, couldn't you? She writes in other words, it's basically a medieval synthesiser. That's pretty cool. She writes, I enlisted a fellow Herdy Goody player to help me with his recording.

So please enjoy this three-bean Herdy Goody duet. Oh, wow. Thank you, Samantha. Brilliant. And thank you all for listening. See you next time. Bye. Bye.

Thank you.