Three Bean Salad - Snappy Little Non-Episode Announcement

Episode Date: February 1, 2023

No normal episode of Three Bean Salad this week (we're away until March) but if you want extra bonus episodes you can sign up at our PATREON at patreon.com/threebeansalad

Yeah. My arm, like my heart, has shattered into a thousand pieces. I broke my arm. Yeah. Ben had a whoopsy, Ben broke his arm. Ice. Why did no one tell us about the dangers of ice? Yeah. We're so worried about other stuff. They've been telling non-engineerian osteoporotic women,

haven't they? They just haven't seen Welshman in their thirties. Yeah. It was in fact, it was, it was the fact that I'm so young and vital that actually caused it because I sprinted for some reason from the front of my house towards my car and on the way met a long wife of ice. Yeah. So it was partly my own doing, really. Yeah. You were very much, there's a moral lesson here, isn't there? Don't be running late for the cinema.

You're looking for to go to the cinema. Just leave plenty of time, leave buffers, guys. I include buffers that someone in the party is going to shatter a limb and that's going to need to be treated before we can even get there. That's the level of buffer I'm talking about. So what form does the buffer take exactly? Oh, it's a time buffer. Time buffer is the main thing, plenty of snacks, safety equipment.

With the current state of A&E, that buffer is getting longer and longer. Indeed, it sure is. Yeah. Cinema trips take up, you know, an entire school holiday, basically. And you also bring a selection of splints, presumably, do you? Yeah, yeah. Splints and battlefield, first aid kits. Rubbernecks, false necks, different types of false neck. In case there's a prang on the road and we don't want to slow down to look at it ourselves, we just throw a rubber neck out of the substitute rubber.

Check out a physical rubber neck. If you're actually, if you're all wearing rubber necks, then you can, well, you can almost fully, like an owl, can't you? You can almost fully do a 360 rubber on things you walk. It's a strong enough, well-made enough rubber neck. And would I be using the rubber neck as a kind of sling on the way to the hospital, is that what you're thinking? You shouldn't have to worry about that, because part of your

buffer should also include a convoy that includes an ambulance equipped of vehicle, you know? So it is a convoy, isn't it? Yeah. So for you going to the cinema mic is incredibly expensive, I'd imagine, per hour. Yeah. And the carbon footprint is massive. But it's nice for all the children and people who live in between you and the cinema, because when they sense that you're coming, because the first couple of truffles will go over about half an hour before.

Yeah, and then there's the road closures as well, that they've had a series of letters about over the preceding three months. Yeah, that's right. And all the children, the children will get out there, they'll all stick with like a replica of your moustache on, that spins in the wind. They'll hold that up as you come past, don't they? And Mike, when you put all this effort in, is it then sometimes disappointing that nobody breaks their arm on the way?

Because actually, you arrive 36 hours early. It can be. And you're so ready, you're anticipating accidents and attack of some sorts, very rarely comes. Yeah. We're all chomping at the bit, we're braced. And yeah, tend to be complete non-events. So sometimes, Mike, isn't it? If it's a birthday or something, and you're really, you're crossing everything, aren't you touching whether there's going to be an arm break? If that doesn't happen, you have actually,

you have broken your own arm, haven't you? Yeah, yeah. During the trip to the cinema. In frustration. I've hooked up a couple of special G clamps with a sort of plywood in between, single twist, nine degree twist, it just snaps my tumourous. Just like that. And you've found that it's a relatively painful way of doing it,

isn't it? It's painful, it's not a hard work. It's quite a stressing for onlookers as well. Yeah, you don't want it to be too painless, do you? Because obviously, you've employed all these people, you know, the painless experts, the anesthetist, well, I mean... Did you see all the... But no one can say that word, so I think it's fair enough.

But all those people, it's just shame for them to never get used, isn't it? So yeah, the long-term sort of rehab physios, everyone's there behind your therapy pool, at the back of a lute and the emotional support animal. It's a whole menagerie of them. Yeah, it's a whole menagerie, isn't it? Different types. Many different sizes of pony, all the way from Shetland to Megapony. The sympathy tape here.

And the commiseration leopard. He's a bit spicy. When I did it, I had that thing that happens where I think it's like a bodily thing where I just didn't feel any pain when it happened. So I landed on my elbow and it wouldn't... My arm was obviously fucked, but I felt no pain whatsoever. So I was like, this is weird, isn't it? Because my arm is fucked.

Like, it's obviously fucked. You're worried that something more central is wrong with you if you can't even feel it. Ben, what you're in there is, you're in almost the exact same situation that someone can find themselves in just after a shark attack, which is... No less. Everything seems... But you feel fine. Which is suddenly like that.

You've got no legs. But you feel fine and you're like, you're saying to people, look, let's carry on with the holiday. Let's do bodyboarding now. Let's do bodyboarding. I just think we can make it back in time. We can do that. The beach disco that the hotel's putting on is the back in time. It's the beach from Full Moon Prawn Disco tonight, we can't do that.

It's the Full Moon Prawn Disco. Obviously, we've paid for the full prawn package, haven't we, so we've got the prawn wristbands. I mean, my arm's fallen off, but you can still see the wristband on it, which we would get access to as many prawns as we could eat for the whole full flight. In fact, I probably shouldn't have come into the water, covering so many bloody prawns that may have attracted the great white. I regret that now. I went for the breakfast chum buckets. I should have posed off when I got in the seat. Pouring it onto my own head while snorkelling felt like a fun Instagram moment, which is what it was.

I just thought I'd catch on. But I had a very similar experience to this, which was my version of the Midnight Prawn Beach Disco was that I wanted to go to the last screening of the film Ennis Men, that was happening in Cardiff. And I was thinking, look, it's filmed on 16mm film. They're going for the 70s slightly grainy aesthetic. I can't miss this. Mark, come on, give it five stars. That's like the opposite of the other film that can't be mentioned, isn't it? You've decided to go all the way to the other end of the spectrum.

I thought it would be a good restorative move after the film that should not be mentioned. Now, Ben, I've heard a rumor that the real reason you slipped up, that all of this is a cover story. OK, here we go. But there is a cinematic theme to it, which I had the real reason you slipped up, was because you were looking at your phone while walking along and you just learned the information that... Sorry, the film we can't mention has absolutely soared to the top of global box offices all over the world. And it hit two billion dollars. And it hit two billion, it was the two billion figure. So just that number just shattered his arm just onto that site.

Just that sheer number. The phone burst. The sheer weight of that statistic, literally. And this has been known to happen. And also, what you're not telling us is your right foot's spontaneously combusted, but you're not even telling people. Because I thought the fact that it was turning blue was bruising, but it might just be a reaction to that news. And your eyes have changed colour as well, that's what I'm starting. And I've got a tail.

You do it with a tail, and then overnight it went grey, the next, isn't it? So you had to deal with A having... First of all, we had to deal with I've got a tail, but it's a lustrous chestnut brown tail. And the next day, overnight, it went grey, because you're still stressed about the two billion figure. And they're expensive to die on, they don't have the salons as well, that's so expensive. They do it by the yard, and it's long. Now, Ben, but the fact that Ben has broken his arm, right, that is a fact. Yeah.

And it's, in a way, I felt like when you dropped onto your elbow and it shattered, I felt like all of our elbows shattered in a way, you might even feel that. Oh yeah, I've think of Ben very much as my third elbow. Exactly. But we've rested on him for too long, and it turns out we have become dependent on him, haven't we? Yeah, dangerously dependent. But this is not an episode, is it, crucially? No, stop talking guys, this isn't an episode, what are you doing?

It's not an episode. Yeah, it's not an episode to let you know that there isn't an episode. But thank you for listening to the episodes, and there will be some more episodes in March. Correct, and also there are other episodes, i.e. bonus episodes, on our Patreon. Patreon.com forward slash three, been salad. There we go. Including a brand new one that was out last week. Yeah, it would have come out, at the time of speaking, I'm going to do it this afternoon.

There we go. It'll be three days ago. What, put it up? I didn't need to explain that. Is it up already in real terms? Watching it by in real terms. For the listener, yes. Or for us, no.

Is it up for us? We're dealing with twin realities here. Okay. Trafalgar should be your force, eh? So yes, we're having a month off, and it's well-timed, isn't it, for Ben, with your arm? It is good, actually, because you get to have a month off. It's not quite enough for everything to fully heal and get rehab, so you'll have to cut short that treatment, obviously, before. You need to do some serious jingle-making and editing for the next series.

Are you making, probably, not for a few weeks, I imagine? Ben, obviously, I don't want to... Well, what I'm just going to say, as it is, actually, a lot of people... Well, some people, in your situation, being through something very difficult, but actually, certainly, the way I, for example, I just happen to know how I would react. Yeah. Which is, I'd see it as actually a challenge in a way to rise to the occasion and not be overcome by it. And to actually carry on, bloody doing the stuff I did before, and maybe even better, but using the other arm.

It's just something that I would do. So you should turn up to badminton tonight, Ben. You should go to... I would turn up to badminton tonight, if it was me. I would keep editing the podcast. I'd certainly keep doing any elements of work that didn't make things harder on my colleague, Henry Packer, for example. If I was you, I'd be saying. Yeah. But, Henry, I know you want to go to ice badminton tonight, but I'm not coming.

But I've got my new ice badminton boots, my badmote, my icy badmote boots. I've got my new... That airstrip signalman Saturday job you've got, as well, Ben. You should be turning up to that as well. Yeah. Ben, I think... In a lot of ways, there is a parallel, isn't there, in a lot of ways? Because you were saying how ice is, you know, the hidden menace.

Yeah. But there was another great symbol of hope and vitality and the human spirit that was also cruelly way-laid by ice, wasn't there? The Titanic. The Titanic. And I think there are a lot of parallels, aren't there? There are. That's such a good point. Because you, again, you had a mixture of hope and let's not deny it. A little bit of hubris, wasn't there, about your mission to go and see that film?

Plus, there's your bowels full of Irishmen, as well. You've got loads and loads of Irishmen down in your bowels. Yeah. They said that this elbow would never break, and that was the moment of hubris. And of course, also as I lay on the ground, I was picked up by the passing steamship, the RMS Carpathia. A passing vessel. A passing vessel. Did anyone have the presence of mind to cry small, icy, slippery puddle right ahead, just before it happened?

Oh, no, no, no. There's no warning at all. Well, your captain was drunk, wasn't he, as well? And I kept playing the violin throughout, despite it being incredibly painful. Also, Ben, you were the first person to compartmentalise your elbow, hadn't you, into 15 different sections? Yes, with a selection of build pumps, which would... So, your idea was if it was in 17 sections, there's no way that a break could break all of the sections. Yeah, you might have to flood the food court.

Then everything else will be alright. Golly. Something to think about. Yeah. So, tread carefully, dear listeners. Yes, please do. Let me be a cautionary tale to you. Don't go outside, I would say. Stay inside.

Until the spring. How would you be spending your much, as I cower in my house? Oh, just keeping an eye out for that first crocus, you know me. I'll just be spending some much needed time losing myself with my two best friends. Nicholas, Nick'll be. And Nicholas Lintest. Nicholas Lintest.

Will be... I'll be watching repeats of Enfields and Horses. You will be reading Dickens 2, Nicholas Lintest. What? I haven't finished. I'll be watching repeats of Enfields and Horses during my lunch breaks. The rest of the time, I'll be reading Barnaby Rudge, actually. To Nicholas Lintest. Anyway, this isn't an episode.

No, this isn't an episode. So, if you didn't listen, you chose correctly. Well done, well judged. And if you are, don't worry about it, because there'll be some episodes soon in March. Yes, see you in March. If you want more, have a look on the Patreon. Enjoy Feb, the month of romance. Have a great February, and don't get it stuck in your head about how many hours are there in February.

Is it February? Is it February? Is it February? Don't let that get in your head. Is it February? February. Because I, for one, am born in February. And so, it's a month that is particularly important to me.

And it's a month I've had to write down a lot or be, you know, that's my birth date. But I am still not confident in terms of how many hours there are. In fact, the other day, for example, I got it, I was pretty convinced that I knew how many hours there were in it and it turned out I was wrong. And it's one of those ones where, I think I can say right now, I'm pretty confident that it is February, isn't it? February, yeah. And so, saying it like that is a good way to help you remember. But what happens is, because I say it's February, so then when I come to have to write it... And were you born on Wedner's Day?

I was born on a Wedner's Day, the second Wedner's Day of February. So saying it that way helps. But the problem I have is that I have this thing which is going to say the thing is, I have, the thing with February is, it's got the R, isn't it? February. When I look down, I go, so hang on. Hang on, is it the thing, I know it's to do with the R, but then I get, hang on, is the thing that it has got the February or the thing is the thing that it hasn't got the February? Do you know what I mean? So I remember there's an issue around the R, but then it's just like toss a coin as to what the issue is.

Do you know what I'm talking about? And that's why we're not doing any episodes in that month. We don't take any... When he got himself into a peckle, he's going to be like this for the next month. I had this once, because I had a similar thing once during my physics GCSE. I spelt my name wrong. It was my first GCSE. It was my first GCSE.

It was a big moment. And this was the days of, obviously the students nowadays didn't know about this, because nowadays you do it all by Alexa, don't you, the exams? You just say, Alexa, how roughly, how good I am at physics? What would I say in response to this question about mass and volume and speed? Mass divided by speed equals volume, whatever. You'd have those handy triangles we used to have, mass over speed equals volume. No, mass divided by speed times volume equals time. Mass divided by biology equals chemistry over physics.

All in brackets divided by Barnaby-Rudge equals culture. So this was in the days of... Yes, before we had Alexa, it was all bits of paper. And you had to write by pen. Again, it's like a joy pad. If you imagine a joy pad, if it was more... It leaves a series of stains. A stain-producing joy pad.

I'm not sure today's children are as aware of joy pads as they used to be. That's the way time is, isn't it? It just keeps on rolling, because joy pads were all... They were the hot thing. What is it now? Wireless charging. It was like wireless charging. A pen was like wireless charging, but tubular with a conical end.

And you provided the charge, didn't you? Using energy, which is created by food that you ate in the form of roast dinners. Again, the kids won't know any of... None of these raises will mean anything. The point I'm making is, I had to write my name on the front of the first... So I was really nervous, my first GCSE. I had to write Henry Packer. And again, with my name, it's P-A-K-E-R.

So the thing with my name is people think there's a C. So the main thing to remember is there's something about the C. It's important that you remember the thing about the C, which is there isn't a C. But I was in that situation of going, I know there's something about the C. Did you write Henry Copacca? Henry what? Henry Copacca. So what did you say?

Henry Copacca. Anyway, so I had to ask for Tipex from the guy walking around, the exam invigilator. Again, for kids now, that's a floating drone with... With the face of Rhetorora. That reminds me of a friend of mine who went into a Starbucks and they asked for his name for the order. And he said, it's Mark with a C. Just because that's what he's used to saying. And the person just looked at him, slightly confused.

And when he got given his cup, it was addressed to... Clark. Excellent. He deserved that. So yeah, same thing with February, because I was literally the other day. I had to write down February and I wrote Feb. I thought, oh, there's the thing with the R, it's February. Hang on.

How did you write your name wrong? Can we just clear that up? No, I think I wrote P-A-C-K-E-R. Oh, I see. Fair enough. But the thing with February is, because what happens is, you think to yourself, you get so used to it being Feb Rurari. Yeah, with the extra R. It's not extra, it's just what it is. Yeah, but with a kind of...

Slightly silent R, I guess. Yeah, silent R. Not really. A trouble-causing R. A trouble-causing R. But then what happens is that becomes the norm in your head over time, over years and years of writing February. And most people have to write February at least three or four times a week.

Certainly we did in my day. On bits of correspondence and just because, you know, months important. See, it becomes so normal to you that February has an R. An extra R. A trouble-causing R. There comes a day when you have to write February. You know two things about February. One is...

I have to spell it. There's a trouble-causing R. But the other thing you know about it is, it's a tricky word, this one. It's not quite what you expect. And then when those things come together, you start questioning, hang on, is the... Because you're now so used to it being Feb Rurari, the brain that's going, there's something weird about the word February,

meets that other fact and goes, oh, maybe is that what's weird about it? Which is that it's... It's got a leap letter in. So the extra R only comes in once every four years? Once every four years. It's a leap R. Which also, and of course February is the day which has the leap here, isn't it? Which rounds things off very nicely.

Yeah, February is like a weird elaboration of a month, isn't it? It's got hardly any days in it. It's a joke. It's like a ten days long. Yeah, it's got all these R's. You don't know whether they're coming or going. It's like a revolving door of R's. I've got to say actually, Henry, being born in February is lame. It's pathetic. It's a lame month to be with. Absolutely pathetic, I know.

It's almost like the most nondescript month, isn't it? It really is. Because January is obviously dog shit, but at least it's the start of something. It's first. It's number one. Yeah. It's cold, wet, grim, and I suppose blissfully short. So yeah, just be careful, I suppose. Yeah, it's a good little bit of public information.

Get your head down, get through it. So there is no non-episode. Just a snappy just two, three minutes, just an announcement. Just to let you know. Quite a long non-episode, this non-episode. Yeah, but I think people probably would have turned off after about 10 minutes. Yeah, that's right. With any luck.

All right, well, see you in March. See you then. Bye-bye.