Three Bean Salad - Snow

Episode Date: April 6, 2022

What’s that? A light entertainment podcast has dared to dance across the the conversational minefield that is the antimacassar? That’s right. And that podcast is Three Bean Salad. And if Lauren from Bremen hadn’t got the beans onto the topic of snow in the first place this podcasting milestone might never have been achieved at all.Get in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpodJoin our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansalad

So, I need to apologise at the beginning. I've moved house and I think the sound quality in this room is slightly less, oh god, pinprick perfect than it was in the flat. The sort of thing I can't detect at all. I'm sure the listeners won't care. You're highly attuned ears. But I've got to say, boys, something I can't. Things have changed for me now. Now that I'm a homeowner, the main difference being, I moved in, I didn't know this when we bought the place. It's got, I don't know if you've got one of these, a soft closing toilet lid. Oh, is that like, does that mean it's got a slow hinge?

Yes. So you let it go, and it just slowly goes down and then just kisses the rim. It does, doesn't it? It's just gently. And it's changed, it's changed everything for me now. Because in the past, you know, I used to, I used to slam it down. Out of the night. I angered what I just had to go through. Yeah. You would slam down that rim, wouldn't you? It wasn't a kiss as much as it was a headbutt, wasn't it? That's right. You'd be getting through a new toilet seat every six months or so, wouldn't you? Well, that's right. Because the ceramic under unit maintains its integrity, doesn't it?

But it's the, and you were getting increasingly harder and harder woods, weren't you, in your seats? You would have got teaks, mahogany, cherries. Very rare rainforest woods that I had to source. Illegally, actually, on the black market. Then you're moving up to your metals and then your your onyxes. Yeah. But they just all eventually get shattered, wouldn't they? The obsidian seat.

The problem is, I then used a third party toilet in, in, in, in fact, John Lewis. Which you would have thought would be equipped with the pillowiest, very tactful. Exactly. Especially because they're selling toilets and seats within that very shop. Yes. What they're selling is a lifestyle. That's true. But these are front-facing, these are front-facing to customer-facing toilets that these have

a reputation to maintain, don't they? They're very much customer-facing. You went through the main doors and they were just there. And sometimes you're sitting on it, you don't know, is this a display toilet or an actual one? And the answer is always it's a display toilet. It's generally a display one, but the customer service that makes you feel so comfortable that you just go for it. It doesn't matter, does it?

We'll, we'll plumb that later, sir. Just relax and enjoy yourself. It's such a soothing place. See, how, what happened there? Well, I got so used to the soft-clothing toilet that I closed it with huge force. So you've really developed the muscles as well on your, on your toilet arm as well. And so basically what I'm saying is I can't now use a normal toilet without totally smashing it closed.

So hang on. Are you telling me that the, so your new toilet lid has such a sort of strong hinge mechanism in it that you still put that, that horse-like power into it? Yeah. I'm still bitterly angry at what the universe has made me do. But you're, you're, you're furious, aren't you? It's still, it takes your breath every time, doesn't it, the indignity of what you've, exactly what you've just been through.

Bounces that forth out. It bounces that force out of the bathroom window. Yeah. It dissipates it. It becomes a kind of sonic boom that goes into the atmosphere, I think. Yeah. Okay. So they've, they've had to adjust the flight paths directly above your house.

Yeah. Sometimes, sometimes you'll hear the pilot come on the intercom, won't you? And go, excuse me, Linensman, we are, we are passing over Ben Partridge's house and we are aware that, you know, he's, he's just had his weed to mix. Yeah. And last night he had four courses of ham, four different types of ham. Obviously he has to inform the aviation authorities, doesn't he? What is eating every night?

So that flight, flight paths can be adjusted accordingly. You should feel nothing more than a slight bump if you hold onto the person next to you. The person next to you. Squeeze your nose, shut your mouth open and cover your ears. To let the shock wave pass through you. And don't fight it. Fight it. Ironically, that's when the danger can, can be really quite real if you fight it.

So just remember, as long as you allow it to pass through you, we can all relax. But if any of you are, you know, try and fight it or remain tense. You'll see that Gavin, our flight steward, has got very bloodshot eyes. That's because of his cavalier attitudes to this part of the flight path. Yeah. Okay. So, so, so, okay. So you went to journalists and you still, you, you've become accustomed to.

Well, I've had a lifetime of closing a toilet lid with a degree of, it's always, you know, on a normal toilet, it's always a bit of a nerve wracking thing, right? Because you have to get it down, but not too hard. No, I've had it when you get it wrong, when you've become accustomed to a certain toilet. I may even have talked about this on the podcast, I remember. But once you've become accustomed to a certain toilet and you go to a new one, for example, on a houseboat, a situation you're not, a situation where the physics and the plumbing are slightly different, and you're in a different way.

And you're on maritime law, there's all kinds of things to adjust to. There's all kinds of different factors. You, or you might be in the top floor of quite a tall, what's the word, when it's not modern, old. Lighthouse. The White House has its own protocols. Obviously, the White House has a stuffy... I think Mike said lighthouse. I did, but I'm wanting to, I'm very interested to hear about the White House protocols.

Well, in the White House, obviously, you've got the red phone, because every room in the White House has a red phone, doesn't it? And you've got to take the nuclear football with you. So was that a clincher for you actually choosing that property, Ben? Did you, because that's, did you, did you get to try it when you were looking around? No, I totally didn't. It was a complete bonus. Oh, what a lovely moment.

Because I'd have thrown an extra 20, 30K on the price, had I known. Yeah. So you were sitting there in your new home, having your first sit-down toilet. Yeah. You're feeling good. You're a property owner. Marking your territory. Marking your territory.

You're, again, bowled over every time by the shit that's just discussed, what's just happened. You get up, you're furious, because you think you've, you know, you've moved on in your life to a new phase, and yet you're still utterly blown away by the horror rolling into the bar to hose yourself down. Yeah, that's perp. And you slam it down.

Because that's the thing, Henry, wherever you move, you've always got the same arse. Exactly. Wherever you go, there you are. And it's always just behind you, isn't it? No matter how far you run, it's right on your heels. Well, it's not on your heels. It shouldn't be on your heels.

It's on your tail. Yeah. You're constantly pursued by your arse and your shadow. Yeah. A tank team. Yeah. Well, your shadow comes out of your arse, doesn't it? That's where it attaches.

Exactly. That's right. Yeah. So that's me. Yeah. Yeah. Golly. Well, congratulations for a new world.

I appreciate you saying congratulations, but I find it strange that people say congratulations when you buy a property. When you're wrapped up in debt. Well, the next 40 years or probably until death. Yeah, there's that. But also, it's not an achievement, really. You've just bought something.

Yeah. Well, yeah, you own something. It's true that you own it, but you've got this debt. I mean, one thing it does mean is, Ben, you can sort of join a higher level of banal chat now, which is the kind of money mortgage to pay. You can say things like, yeah, it doesn't pay the mortgage, though, does it?

Yeah, I can't say that. I've not really learnt into that yet. Yeah. You'll start. You can reach for it in certain situations. But when complaining about something, you say, I've got to buy the mortgage to pay, haven't I? You've also got the gambit.

You can always bust out that you might need to replace your boiler at some point. I mean, that'll always get people going, you know, in a back garden barbecue. So what kind of situation can I bring that up? Well, if just things are a bit dry, chat-wise, you can just say, I don't know, we might have to replace the boiler.

And, you know, that's it. People will be away. I think these days are replacing the boiler. Do you know, I wish I hadn't bothered doing all those degrees on this. I should have just been a bloody hating, hating Indonesian. Yeah. I mean, he's been doing it three times a month.

Mike, you're putting on a silly voice there, but to basically replicate chat that you do dish out weekly in your own voice. I don't know why. I was trying to distance myself from my own voice. I was trying to distance myself from my own voice. There's no point. I'm sorry.

It was very transparent. I see you taking Ben under your wing in this area, because you are obviously the master of this, aren't you? I could see you sort of tutoring Ben. Can you give me a little crash course? Yeah. Yeah, certainly in terms of sort of gambits and stuff. Because there's always been people out there who know much more

about these things than me, but I can set them off. Do you know what I mean? But when I just, you put up a new trellis the other day in your back garden, they're away. Oh, yeah. Gas barbecue or charcoal, they're away. I tell you what, the boiler is key because the boiler becomes this sort of huge thing in your life now that you're responsible

for a boiler, Ben. Right. You are now responsible for a boiler. And you just have to start knowing things like that. And horrible things can happen with a boiler. I had a horrendous incident with my boiler where it was on its last legs for a long time. By the way, one thing you'll learn is a Welsh phrase, Ben.

Right. That I learned from my father-in-law. I can't remember what it is in Welsh, but the English translation is a house. My boiler is broken. My boiler is proper fucked. What is it? What is it, Henry? A house is a thief.

Oh. How do you say that in Welsh? I don't know actually. I don't know what the thief would be like. He said that to me once. A house is a thief. Any amount of times that's come true. I had a horrendous boiler thing.

It happened once where... Basically, what my attitude to how to look after home stuff is kick it down the road because it might never happen. The old long grass. Kick it down the long grass. Basically, our boiler became so problematic that it was all... Here's quite a good skill that you develop actually. Actually, there's two main skills that you develop that make you feel like

you're a man in charge of stuff. You've got your shit together. One is knowing where the box is, where you press the button that relaunches the fuse for a section of the electricity in your house. Do you know what that means? Yeah, the fuse box. Yeah?

Are you on top of that? I get an absolute buzz every time I have to do that. Every time I try... When you say absolute buzz. Yeah. Well, I'm not... Yeah, that does suggest I'm doing something wrong, doesn't it? It's quite...

It's a serious buzz. Yeah, but normally, it's a bad place to keep your paddling. Same cupboard, turns out. As long as I wear a pair of wellies for the next week. I'm normally... Normally, I'm fine and, you know, I stop... Normally, you're fine within weeks. Normally, I'm fine within weeks.

And I haven't... I didn't think I'd actually blown up a toaster for a couple of years now. I've not yet. I know where it is. Well, I've not yet. Opened it or touched it. Getting in charge of that is a big moment. So what happens is an electrician will go,

well, to fix these lights, I'll need you to... I'm already ahead of him. Don't worry, mate. I've got my wellies on. I'm on my way. I pop down to the hall area and I switch off the electricity for that bit of the home. That's a big one. So I've got that to look forward to.

Yeah, that's really, really fun, that. The other one is adjusting the pressure on your combi boiler. Have you done that yet? I just want to make you aware, Henry, that in my previous rental flats, they did have gas and electric. Are you sure? We were under the impression you just had a single wood-fired stove in the middle of the room. Yeah.

And that was that. And you're in a little mini turbine to charge a computer. Well, I'm going to count telling you this anyway. You're implying... And that, Ben, is the biggest lesson you can learn from a well-spotted home. And you carry on regardless. If you may have non-verbal cues that they wish you to stop, even verbal clear cues, as you just gave, you plow on.

That's how you earn your badge. Which is you get under the sink, you adjust some little knobs and stuff and the pressure goes up. But there was a point where every time the heating went on, the pressure was either too high, which meant I had to go under the sink and twist something for a bit. Or the pressure was too low. Which meant I had to bleed...

Even he's bored. No, no, no. Or the pressure was too low, which meant I had to bleed the radiators. Come on, that's got you interested. Have we torpedoed the podcast by... So basically, there was a point where... We whittled the audience down. Every time I turned the heating on pretty much,

I was... I'm trying to tactic here, which is you start again. Interesting. Very good, very good. Yeah. But I was literally... I'd spent a lot of my life with a pan standing next to the radiator with hot water shooting out the radiator into this pan.

I was catching it. In order to readjust the pressure. But basically, there got a point where our boiler was so problematic that I got a boiler person to come round. He looked at it and he said... He basically hammered through the wall. There was a huge hole. This was in November, so it was cold.

He hammered through the wall. There was a huge hole in the back of the kitchen out to the outside world where the boiler pipe went through to examine some stuff. And he basically went, right, he was in there for hours and his conclusion was he went, right, I'm sorry, I can't fix it now.

I don't have the parts, but you can't use it. It's dangerous. And he stuck a sticker on it in my own home. He said, do not approach or do not use this boiler. Danger. And then left. So I was left in November, a hole in the house. There was a howling wind was coming through, freezing.

And my boiler had a sticker on it saying, danger, do not use. And he couldn't help me over the weekend. And no one could help me because they didn't have the parts. It was absolutely horrific. That's the kind of thing you'll end up doing just like, yeah. Are you sure he was a plumber? He was basically, he basically trippand your house.

You've got the bad spirit out. Something. He may have been an exorcist as well. I think he was a plumber, but we wanted to be an exorcist. Say, whenever he had the opportunity he was done. Because he did summon those howling girls. I remember he summoned them with them. And he talked like more Latin than I was expecting.

Right, bean machine. Let's do the bean machine thing. Okay, so this week's theme as sent in by Lauren from Bremen is snow. We had four flakes of snow here yesterday. I had some flakes of snow yesterday as well. I had some snow yesterday. It's a miracle. It's a white spring.

Did you have much snow? I only saw literally about four flakes passing passing my window. But they're normal flakes because mine was more compressed. They're large flakes. And they were black. They were black. She has mentioned that from the start. And they were winged.

They were winged. They were beaked. They were eyed. And they hovered outside my window. They hovered. I've never seen before. They hovered and they screamed at me. And they were worm in mouth.

Things appear to be nesting. So terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. I once drove to a gig in North Wales in Bangor, I think. I love it. Me and the comedian Mike Bubbins. We did the gig. Yeah.

Smashed it, obviously. But Ben, Ben, apart from the toilet lid, how did the gig go? Hey, hello. Hi, my name is Henry Packer and I am available. After the gig, we repaired to a travel lodge and shared a family room. Him in the double bed, me in the weird little child's cot. Anything other than that would be an outrage to nature. And I'm imagining you woke up clinging to his chest the next morning,

curled into a little fetal position. So then it was time to go home. Overnight it had snowed a lot. So we were a bit trepidatious. And the road back is not a great road. No. So I was driving my day-oom-a-teez. You were driving what, sir?

My day-oom-a-teez. I don't really know what that is, but it doesn't sound like it's built for handling snow down here. Breaking beacons. No, it's like the least good car for that. And we were going along and it was fine. And then there was a snow plow in front of us. So that was doing some light plowing and also gritting the road. And I was behind it and it was getting quite annoying

because the grit was bouncing up into the window. And it was just going up and down the road. And it was just getting on my nerves. Even though it was saving your life. Oh, yes. So then I overtook the snow. The snow. Holy cravigal.

And started driving off. And Mike said, oh, I probably shouldn't have done that. I thought it was fine. And then within 90 seconds, we were spinning like 720 degrees. Just round and round. Yeah, because it wasn't a grit was there in front of us. It was almost as if it was actually doing a sort of vital public service. And Mike knew it was going to happen as well.

As soon as I turned the corner, he said something like... He assumed the sort of crash position. He said something like, here we go. In that situation, grit is the grit shooting out of the back of that truck is the opposite of the stuff that James Bond shoots out of the back of his car. But at the back of his car. It's save your pellets. It's save your pellets.

And you were like, screw you. You're going to ruin the paintwork. Plus I've barely hear Celine Dion over the sound of the tractor. I've got a day woo. It's as impressive as it is light on consonants as a word. Day woo. This will be the day woo. And then you're spinning and then we try to style it out.

But as I span, I made the sound day woo. This will be the day woo, but not the day woo I was expecting. You're panic punning. So will you then obviously any spinning body will burrow itself either down or up? Which way did it burrow? Did it helicopter up or did it drill down? Did you launch? Did you launch your burrow?

Which was it? What was spectacular was that I think actually we just did a full 360. And we came to a stop just facing perfectly forward. And we hadn't hit the hedges on either side. It just like we did this perfect pirouette essentially. And then carried on driving. So in a way, had it been on in like a Fast and Furious movie, it would have looked incredible.

But the difference being that Vin Diesel wouldn't then feel physically sick for the rest of the journey with terror. It would be shaking. Yeah, exactly. We were very lucky. We were very lucky because, yeah, it was bad. It was bad, bad driving. You nearly killed Bubbins.

No, he'd been fine. He would have been fine. I don't think a car crash would put a dent in Mike Bubbins. That's true. Yeah, I tell you what, what happens with me around the car is I have such a sense of how, you know, society expects me to be conversant with the car and how it works.

And, you know, it's very old fashioned. It's a little nonsense, all that stuff. But I still feel there's a pressure there to extend that. If I'm put on the spot in any way, for example, I can drive the car fine. I've basically got the same thing my mum had. She doesn't drive that much anymore, but she used to be able to drive really well.

But if you asked her what she was doing, she had no idea. Pedals? Pedals, what do you mean? It's not a piano. But she's using them. She's not aware. She's just not aware. Never had lessons. Just pure instinct.

She's just not aware. She's just not aware. She's just not aware. She's just not aware. And never had lessons. Just pure instinct. Never had lessons. Well, it's how they did it in the old days, isn't it?

You do go into a kind of mental state where you're not thinking about what you're doing. I understand that. You're sort of doing it automatically. Yeah. Because if you had that thing where you were driving and then you suddenly have a conscious thought about like, how wide is this car?

And then you're just fucked. Exactly. Then you're fucked. And can I tell you, I had a very similar thing when I was playing a flute duet in a school concert whilst driving. It's the first of its kind. And I thought, hang on.

This is too ambitious. This drag car scene has got out of hand. It's too late, Henry. Go, go, go. The engine's running. Just go. Press the pedal. Get blowing.

Get blowing. And check your indicators. Check your mirrors and blow. And James Goreway's in the boot. Is that how you do it? James Goreway's tied up in the boot. He got wind of the idea early doors, we've read, but we've got to silence Goreway if this doesn't happen.

He's not going to like this. He's head of the woodwind union. We need to time up until the event's finished. Then we can release him into the new forest and it's up to him if he can make it out alive. He can prance amongst the thorns with his golden flute and a bassoon full of meat

over his shoulder. He can befriend the woodland creatures with his woodwind skills. We know how it works. He'll turn up in a couple of years with a crown made of leaves. He'll hypnotise them. He'll trick them to enter a magic tree

and they'll never be seen again. Now, I did a flute duet with, it was me and Alex Rotsley. Oh, yeah. Alex Rotsley. Still doing the 30 minutes practice a day. Oh, yeah. He's keeping it going.

Got to stay sharp. Got to stay sharp. And on stage, in front of all the parents and teachers and stuff, I suddenly became, I'd been doing it fine. I suddenly was like, hang on a minute, I'm blowing through a bloomin' metal tube.

What the hell's that about? Bloody hell. I was like, Henry, shut up. Stop it, the voice in your head. Stop it, stop it. This is absolutely absurd. Who wants to hear two flutes at once? No flutes is normally enough for anybody.

I think it was the pi-pi-per of Hamlin. How am I going to lead a bunch of rats around with this fucking racket? You got the yips, basically. I got the absolute yips. I got so self-conscious about it. But that's why flutists always move in pairs, you see, because one of them's always going to get the yips.

It's just insurance, really. And the other one can work out how air is moving in and out of his own windpipe. Oh, yeah, like when you start thinking about breathing, that similarly goes wrong, doesn't it? Yeah. Well, look, you've got to keep that stuff

in the unconscious bit of your head. Yeah. It's all the same, isn't it? Operating a car down, operating your own body, it's the same stuff. It's basically a piece of technology that doesn't have a manual in the case of the human body.

Ugh, fucking hell. But isn't it? Yeah, but basically, we're always operating these things. We don't quite know how they work. We don't clean them as often as we should. They don't have a felt case. Obviously, probably should.

I don't have to scrape myself down on our chilly winter morning, which is nice. But if I had to, I would. That makes sense. Yeah, that works nicely, doesn't it? That does work nicely, doesn't it? But I get very tense around the car. I will forget stuff that I know how to do.

So, for example, obviously, I'm very bad under the bonnet. I can't do things under the bonnet. And that's both you and the car? I was sort of making a joke about you being bald, though. It didn't really come off. What? I've come off it, mate.

And you're bonnet. You famously wear bonnets all the time to cover your bonnet. So you want the audience to believe that I'm either a big baby or a Scottish man. And under his bonnet. Or a sort of Georgian tuberculosis red norther. Or just someone taking butternut Easter bonnet parade. So, we weren't supposed to mention your bonnets, were we?

We weren't supposed to mention my bonnets. Well, that's a strange analogy. I'm not really good under the bonnet. Yeah, I was in bald. Yeah, and I suppose under the bonnet and my car, there's just a big shiny vacant area as in a while. Which I'm trying to disguise with a comb over a whole bunch of things.

I'm trying to disguise with a comb. Which I'm trying to disguise with a comb over a whole bunch of piping and metal. To make people believe there's actually an engine in there as well, is it? Yeah, you're laughing now. If I told you how much you spend in a lifetime on shampoo, let me guess what happens. I wonder who would be laughing as much.

And now that you ask, I do still shampoo the fleshy area just out of habit, I do. Actually, I actually do. Do? Yeah. Why? I think my thinking is if you keep treating it like a normal area, come normal again.

No, I didn't treat it with shampoo. I didn't rub shampoo onto it, but when I'm doing my shower gel, I will stick a bit on top as well just out of habit. What, you should wash your head? Yeah, I wash my head. You know what? I've got a greasy head.

There's a head-shaped grease patch on an armchair. Really? Yeah. What you need, you know, you only go on a train and they have those removable kind of bits that your head rests on. You just need to put those down. That's what I should do.

That's why they're removable, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Well, they'll never remove them, but they are. They can be removed. I tell you what they do after I've been sat on a three-hour journey, mate. Burn it. Fuck you, burn it.

You can see your face in that shit. It's so greasy. There's someone waiting at the station just for you to, the second you're out of the seat, just tear it off and burn it in front of your eyes. You know the texture of a thin paper bag that's had a good cross on it for a bit? Mm-hmm.

That's how I leave sofas and armchairs. With a greasy head. And then I was having a nap on a sofa at my parents' house the other day and my mum said, Henry, do put something between your greasy head and our pillows, please. I mean, our cushions. Do put something between your greasy head and our cushions, please. Do you know what those things are called

that they put on seats to stop? I don't know. They're called anti-macassas. Are they? Yeah. Yeah, because I've got loads of macassa at the back of my head. My head is covered in macassa. Molto macassa.

Molto macassa. Well, that sounds like the first bit of bean merch, doesn't it, potentially? A three-bean salad anti-macassa. So an anti-macassa is a perishable thing which you put on an armchair or whatever to deal with head grease. Wikipedia says, an anti-macassa is a small cloth placed over the backs or arms of chairs or the head or cushions of a sofa

to prevent soiling of the permanent fabric underneath. The name also refers to the cloth-flap collar on a sailor's shirt or top used to keep macassa oil off the uniform. Oh, what's macassa? What were they using the macassar oil for? Do I produce macassar oil then? Macassar oil was an unduant. Unduant?

Unguant? No. Unguant. Isn't that a cow? An unctuous thing. That's ungulate. Ungulate, too. There we go. I'm getting tangled up.

Macassar oil is an unguant for the hair commonly used by men in the early 19th century. So it's basically kind of a gel. So there you go. So do you guys, because you've both have had, do you not make greasy marks on them? I don't leave trails of any kind. You don't eat trails of any kind?

Well, I think, Henry, that the head oil probably ends up just through our hair a bit more. So there's more area for it to kind of spread out and cover. Because my hair oil is emerging from the pores on my head optimistically every day, thinking, off to work, darling. Time to grease up some of that thick bushing. What the hell is nothing here?

Oh, God, I'm going to have to go and live in that sofa. I'm going to have to gloss this sofa up nicely. Because that's all I know. All I know is glossing. That's all I've done. Yeah. And all the oil particles before me have done. That's quite good as well, isn't it?

Well, there's a bit of character work. Yeah. Yeah. I enjoyed it. I was quite a weird experience in a snowy park. It was a long time ago. I was going for a walk with my girlfriend at the time and her dad.

I think it might be the first time I met him even. And we went for this walk in this snowy park, snow covered park. And as we were walking along, a couple of little kids, little scamps, as they do. Urchins. Little urchins. Yeah.

One of them lobbed a snowball at me. Yeah. And I think it was all a bit of fun. I was like, oh, you cheeky scamps. But now it's gone down my neck. It's gone behind my neck. And I'm with my girlfriend's father. It's a matter of honor now.

I fight all of you children to the death to prove to him that one day I could be that I will keep his daughter's neck dry. It's all any father wants. So I chucked a snowball back at those cheeky scamps. Chucked a bit of a snowball back. I could kind of walk around this park with my girlfriend and her father wanting to

obviously impress him and come across well. And the little cheeky scamps wouldn't let it lie, would they? And they chucked another snowball at me. Oh, this one quite hard. I wanted to talk to my girlfriend and her father. It was a bit annoying this time. And this time I was like, come on.

I got a snowball. I really just chucked it out in quite serious ways of just saying that we've had our fun but leave us alone now. I carried on walking around the park. At this point, the little sort of urchin sort of their numbers swelled and there were suddenly quite a few of them and they were kind of running

down the side of the path. Kind of they were teeming suddenly like around us. They were like running from tree to tree. They were like, it was quite scary. You know, a bit like in a western when you walk down the central path of the town, you know, the one street town that all westerns have. Yeah.

And you just look into the left and right of you and there are kind of people dashing between the buildings and it's like. I'm thinking of the English soldiers being ambushed in Laugh to the Rehikans is what I'm imagining. Okay, there you go. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

That's it. So it felt like there was a kind of clamoring up trees and emerging from duck ponds and, you know, is that a swan or a child with a swan hat? That kind of thing. And then it felt like there was kind of a normal swan shaped snowball in my name. In which case, I would val, you know,

I would be honored to die at its frozen chili beak. It's a marvelous thing. And I was like, I was sort of panicking. I was gathering more and more snowballs now and chucking them at these kids. But meanwhile, the strange thing was that my girlfriend and her father were walking along as if sort of oblivious to this thing.

It was a bit like Laugh to the Rehikans, but only I could see the Rehikans. But it became this weird psychodrama where one couple of them was like a merchant behind a tree and whack me really quite hard with the balls. At this point, I was like, I had a sort of adrenaline burst, which was like, well, there's two things going on. One is I wanted to impress my girlfriend and her father.

And secondly, I had to defeat these children as a matter of honor. And I was gathering loads of snowballs. I remember I did a kind of volley where I got like three of these kids. I was like, don't mess with me. I can take you on. But what it was like was, it was like, you know,

in a film when one guy, it could be a military film or a zombie film where one guy goes, I'm going to stay behind, you guys carry on. I'm going to slow them down. I'm going to slow them down. You've got Professor Barbara, she has the antidote in her rucksack. The main thing is...

That's the mission. The mission is get Professor Barbara, get her to the military installation. On a paddle steamer. And I'll take them on. And what happens is you cut to the guy who's taking them on. And he's like... Come on.

And he's, you know, shooting them. And he's taking down more than you'd expect. And there feels like a moment where you're like, hang on, maybe he's going to actually survive this, even though, you know... The odds are stacked against, but yeah. Maybe he's going to actually survive this, kill them all and, you know,

reunite with Professor Barbara on the paddle boat, steamboat. And everything will be fine. And so I had that moment where I felt like I was actually, I could take on all these kids, but then more and more of the kids were trying, they're more and more snowballed. And I, and basically...

Wave upon wave of virtue. Wave upon wave. There came a point there where I was so adrenaline. I sort of ran into a sort of clearing it felt like, and they were all around me. And I was just launching snowball after snowball after snowball after snowball after snowball in a sort of stuff. And I was gathering up the snow and chucking it

while making the next snowball in one hand and sort of, I became like a sort of, basically equivalent of one of those huge machine guns where there's like two guys feeding the magazines in. And one guy operating the machine gun. I was one of those. I was like... Looking at...

Did they then start wheeling up one of those tennis ball firing machines, which they were just filling with snowballs? That was when I spotted the tennis ball machine being wheeled up by like six kids. And you could hear the distant rumble of an Apache helicopter coming into view Yeah.

And that was when I spotted the old decommissioned Napoleonic cannons that are a display feature of this particular London park. As a Londoner, you knew how to operate. As a Londoner, I knew how to operate them. All Londoners are trained in that, going back, obviously, hundreds of years from the time when it was in case Napoleon ever did conquer Britain.

All Londoners were trained to become undercover Napoleonic cannonmen to take down the vile Frenchman's regime from the inside. Luckily, it never had to happen. But I had those skills. So then, you know, one thing led to another. All I had to do then was compact snow into cannonballs, put it down the end of the decommissioned cannon.

And then watch as they slowly melted. Watch as they slowly melted. Because they were, after all, decommissioned. They were, unfortunately. The D in decommissioned really bit me in the ass big time. Yeah, so it just turned into this weird. But by the end, it was so weird. I was running around like a madman,

launching snowballs at these kids. And they were like coming, sweeping down in waves and peppering me with them. I was absolutely peppered in snow. And then we emerged from the outside of this park. And we never, me and my girlfriend never, we never spoke of it, never ever mentioned it. This time when I sort of went, I basically went sort of,

but by the end, it was like, you know, I was sort of war feral. And she just never mentioned it. Never mentioned it. I never mentioned it. She never mentioned it. It was just a really weird moment. I still sort of get flashbacks to it occasionally.

The relief her father must have felt when she told him that you two had gone the separate ways. Yeah. And I think he, he heard, yeah, he had that conversation with her. Went, it's probably for the best styling, hung up, sat back in his armchair, looked across to the other armchair.

Where there were 30 urchins. Where there were 30 London street urchins. 30 London children. With cold hands. With very, very cold hands. Each with a, a brand new curly, worthy bar in their hands. Thanks, sir.

Will you release us today? Soon I will keep deploying you until my daughter has married a top corporate accountant. Okay, should we do emails? Emails. Yeah. Thank you for all your emails.

If you'd like to contact us, the email address is three bean salad pod at gmail.com. Jenny from Scotland gets in touch. She says, dear beans, have you considered creating a pissing Tigris jingle? May I suggest some calm Zen spy like music with the sound of some gentle trickling water?

Oh, is that the relaxing sound of a babbling brook or the flow of some steaming tiger urine? But with an underside of aggressive punk rock too. Kind regards, Jenny. It's a strong pitch. Strong pitch? We could probably do that. I like that.

I mean, she's suggested the actual musical. We've never had that before, so I'm suggesting how you interpret it musically, Ben. Do you want a bit of... That is unbelievable. That is incredible. Amazing bit of skill. That is unbelievable, mate.

It's quite a good big character. How the fuck do you do that? My mother's a lynx. That's what helps, doesn't it? You should know that. You've met her. Yeah, I should remember that. I mean, you dress her up, don't you?

Take bloody hours. Yeah, that's why we don't wheel her out very often. Have you ever used that to get yourself out of a sticky spot? I reckon you could. Yeah. If I find myself hiding in a bush somewhere. From an attacker, then I might bust it out. Or if you're in a dark alley or something,

you hide behind the bin if you're being mugged. I've got a tiger. I've got a tiger. Full disclosure. And he's very poorly trained. And then we go up, but that sounds a bit more like a leopard. Yeah. Yeah, he is a bit like a leopard.

Don't mention that to him, though. He's going to rile him. Oh, golly, just to take a loan off. That's better. And relax. Wait, what's that? No, no, no. That's not a restful babbling brook.

That's a tiger piss. Welcome to the Pissing Tiger Zone. It's a tiger! When a tiger piss, she doesn't miss. I'll piss on your face. Piss on my face. It's like a really scary carpet. Callum emails.

He writes, Dear Beans, I'm sad to say that despite my many childhood visits to Marwell Zoo, I have yet to be pissed on by a lioness, a tigeress, or indeed any representative of the Big Cat family. What has he been pissed on is what I wonder. It feels like his territory has already been marked by something else.

Well, I think, you know, can I just tell you quickly what he's suffering from is, is famube pebat. Go on. He's suffering from famube pebat, which is a fear of missing out on being pissed on by a tiger. Which is something that a lot of people have nowadays.

He writes, Whilst visiting family in Western Canada, circa 2006, we visited Calgary Zoo and spent some time admiring the hippos. Most grazed, whilst one was doing impressive if clunky barrel rolls in the artificial moat.

After a few minutes, the gargantuan water horse heaved itself out onto the grass, and with the talk of an over-cranked windscreen wiper, used its stubby tail to fling its dirty green offerings across a viewing platform filled with expectant children, flustered pensioners, and my own mother. Squeals of delight and screams of horror blended

into a dung-induced cacophony. Many ice creams were ruined, and mum got through half a pack of wet wipes trying to get the stains out. I was mercifully spared the indignity of the bus- of the busplattering, as I'd been crouched, pressed up against the murky glass tank,

trying and failing to get underwater photographs of the majestic beast in its watery element. There remains hope in me that the hippo did it knowingly, and with humorous malice. I much love and keep on beaning. Canem. Nice. I like the sound of his mum as well.

It's all news carrying around, ready for action pack of wet wipes at all times. Enough wet wipes to de-dung yourself, even if a hippo goes at you. It's a good mindset. It's the way to live. I feel like he might have, he may not have got dung, but I feel like a bit of hippo-y mask has landed on him.

So he has been marked? I think he's been marked. I think that's why. And the Tigress knows to stay away. Incredibly, we've also received this email from Rosie. Dear Beans, I've been listening to the multiple accounts related on your podcast of lionesses and Tigresses pissing on children at Marwell Zoo.

I felt duty-bound to write in to tell you that it's not just their big cats who get up to that sort of thing. On a visit to Marwell when I was about 11, I and my entire family narrowly escaped being shot on with some force by a pygmy hippo. How does a pygmy hippo... I want to know how I can shit on you. She says we were by the fence of their enclosure

and one came over to, as we thought, say hello. It appeared to be considering us with some interest and having never been so close to one of these creatures, we were shouting and waving and pointing excitedly. After a short while, slowly and deliberately, still fixing us with one in retrospect malevolent little eye, it turned around and presented us with its ample rump. We expected it to walk off,

but it just stood there for a moment or two. At this point, my mother obviously visited by some primal protective instinct which had been formed on the ancient African plains at the very beginning of human existence and survived eons of civilization to make itself felt on a warm afternoon in rural Hampshire sometime in the late 1980s.

That's a long sentence. That's a good one. Said calmly, but with distinct urgency in her voice, I think we'd better go over back here. We made it back over there in the nick of time, just as the hippo having, I now realise, taken its time to carefully assess the distance between us and it, began to whirl its tail around

at great speed, like a propeller, while simultaneously relieving itself of a torrent of absolute foul of shit you can possibly imagine. So that the tail is kind of propelling it away from sort of using it as a kind of... It's got its own sort of hand fan. It's incredible.

Luckily, we had moved just far away that the hippo, although possessed of an impressive degree of shit-flinging prowess, didn't manage to get us and we escaped, shocked and chastened, but otherwise unscathed. Wow, a little wiser. And do you think Mike... Rosie would have been tainted with the musk,

even though she says she wasn't... Well, I don't know because I don't know what's happened when she's gone to the Tiger enclosure. I can't answer that question without... Gotta be scientific about these things. She hasn't said whether she has or hasn't... So she needs to, at some point in her own time, Rosie, please, when you go down,

if you go to the Tiger enclosure and let us know whether or not the tiger pisses on you or not and if she doesn't, then you know that you didn't quite have the escape you imagined. Can I say, I've seen the pygmy hippos at London Zoo, by the way. And I think it's a little bit of a con

because it's like... They're just far away. Well, that's what they tell you. They tell you, look at those huge hippos on the other side of the enclosure. Don't get any closer. They're the most dangerous animal in the world, you know? Don't get any closer.

They're massive, aren't they? All the way over there. I mean, I can see one... Reading a copy of The Sunday Times, I can see that for scale. I can see that he's a tiny hippo. He can barely get his clogs... I mean, his clogs.

He can barely get his hooves around the bloody culture supplement. You know what I mean? No, but he's a bit like... Yeah, okay, they're fine mini hippos. They're not really like... I wouldn't mind seeing some actual hippos, you know what I mean? These mini ones are obviously easy to maintain.

They're easy to clean. They're cheaper to run. But, you know, I want a big, good family sort of sized, you know, proper hippo that could have a little bird cleaning it and living on it. That thing, a bird could sound its back and lift it off and take it back to its nest.

Wow, you really slammed a pygmy hippo, sir. Well, it's one of the only animals that has a sort of fun-sized version, which they can try and short-change you with in zoos. And I'm sure if there are pygmy lions, pygmy tigers, pygmy giraffes, they'd be doing the same thing. If there were giraffes that didn't have a long neck,

they'd probably have them. Horses? Horses? Well, the next thing they'll be doing, they'll be horses and they'll say, oh, it's just a short-neck giraffe. And I'll be like, you know what I mean? The world we live in, see?

Yeah. They'll be chihuahuas and they'll be like, yeah, that's actually just a land-based pygmy head. Great white shark. Don't get too close. Yedzie writes, hello, beans. I hope you might be able to help me with a deeply disturbing experience

that I had this morning. In truth, I don't have anywhere else to turn. Okay. At 5.14 a.m., I was woken by a woman's voice. I don't know what it said. It took me a while to come to consciousness. There was a second of silence. And then it said, oh, it is mice.

What? It seemed to be coming from outside the window. And then a distorted voice from a walkie-talkie said something that I didn't understand. Disturbed, I got up and peeped out of the window, fully expecting to find the police investigating my flower bed. But there was nobody there.

This is great so far. This is unriveted. So mysterious. Absolutely riveted to the spot. After some more garbled radio messages, I traced the sound to my closed, supposedly sleeping laptop. I was freaked out.

Was someone trying to talk to me via walkie-talkie through my laptop? I opened the computer, typed in my password, and was met with something more upsetting than I could have ever imagined. A video was playing. A video was playing of two categories, wolfing down all dead mice.

Oh, my God. As they were thrown to them by a zookeeper. The walkie-talkie was on the zookeeper's belt. It was horrible, but I'm sure you can appreciate that my true horror wasn't at the content. Who could possibly have played this awful video on a closed password-protected laptop

in the bedroom of a sleeping man? Oh, my God. Oh, my God, that's frightening. Sperbs is coming for the listeners. Why was the person saying, yes, it is mice? Was someone presumably an answer to a question from a castle area?

Have you got mice this time? What is this? Is this a vole? What's the specials today? Is it mice again? Yes, it is mice. It's keeping coming. It's not recording this, are you? I don't know what to do. Please help.

And that's from Yedzi. Oh, Yedzi. Poor Yedzi. The bell is told, I think, for Yedzi. Yeah. I mean, I think you are going to find yourself probably within a matter of, I would say, weeks rather than months

dressed up as a giant field mouse and being thrown directly into the gob of a mama cassowary. I'd get your affairs in order if I was you. Yeah. That's so often the advice we end up giving off to someone who doesn't know. Will writes,

Dear Beans, I hope this finds you well. I have an observation regarding the discussion in episode three of series four about what hobbies provincial excursions dads engage in. It's time for Provincial Dads Chat. Dads Chat.

Who's hid my bloody walking boots? I'm not saying it's ruined the holiday. I'm just saying I asked for rum raisin. It just skates on kids otherwise we'll miss the inflatable session. She's taking her mother to see blood brothers which means more top gear time for me. Why would I need

to go and see a podiatrist? Of course, I've kept the warranty information, darling. Yeah. As a medical student studying in Exeter on at least three separate occasions my supervising consultants all of whom happily meeting the criteria of a provincial dad

after finding out that I play the saxophone have what can only be described as press ganged me is adjoining their different village hall concert bands. Oh God, poor salt. Oh man. That's abuse. With each one of them saying how desperately they're

in need of a saxophonist. No. No, no, no, no, no. You can't do that. This poor kid thinks his career rests upon whether or not he can fill the tenor sax section of a swing band. So he's going to end up in three

rural or semi-rural swing bands. There's not going to be any time for anything. Say goodbye to your love life, your social life, study even. Also, rural swing is one of the most absolutely shit music genres

there is, isn't it? He knows that better. Rural swing. Saxophonist, he knows that better than anyone. That'll be rural sax in general, a saxophone and the countryside. We've got nothing to do with each other. The saxophone is about the steamy, seedy, smoky, big city, baby.

It's not about hens. It's not about seed. If you've got enough seed for the hens, it's called Baker Street, isn't it? Not Old Witch's Craddock or whatever places in the countryside are called. Baker Street.

Urban. Imagine watching a hen eating seed out of the bell of a saxophone. That would actually be quite a sight. Makes me sick. Especially if the other end is being played by a piglet. You're coming back to it now, aren't you? A barnyard jazz ensemble. I would happily pay to see.

So there we have it. Thank you to all your emails. Do send us emails. We always love them. www.threebeansaladpod.gmail.com Now last night, we were down at the Sean Bean Lounge. Of course. Only Patreon members get to go into the Sean Bean Lounge.

You can join at www.patreon.com. There are various tiers you can join at. One of them gives you and free episodes. One of them gives you extra episodes. The top one gives you entrance to the Sean Bean Lounge where we were last night. And it was another fascinating evening.

And I believe Mike, you have a report. Louise Allen was found to have committed arson in the Queen's docks. The littlest bean boy docking in the Queen's arse. Green Planet Tree Services, impersonating a police officer, impersonating Elvis, impersonating a tree surgeon. Nick Wiskard, highway robbery. Maxine Gellibut, bi-way robbery.

Lottie Hobbs, fold-away robbery. Erin Baden-Smith had forged a copy of Cheryl Boosfield and used it to blackmail Emma into pickpocket in Kirsten Foster only to find she was wearing anti-theft trousers containing spring-loaded handcuffs. Elsewhere in the lounge was Sam Pollard who'd been smoking in a non-smoking area and Mark Johnston who'd been not smoking in a smoking area.

The notorious Lisa McGinnis had been potty-mouthed on Glee Bland without a license and John Lamonday partook of a violin nest whilst driving a heavy goods vehicle. Tim and Elliot Ramsey were in for the rustling of cattle, sheep and conveyancing solicitors. Other miscreants included Ali Sinov placing a postage stamp upside down, Luke Proctor licking

a postage stamp while hanging upside down and Olivia Neugeboring licking a postman upside down while hanging the right way up. Catherine Millican committed cheese espionage, Louis Salter, medium treason and Simon Neal didn't eat his greens. Throw away the key, I say. OK, let's work out who's version of our theme tune we're going to play. The player's out.

Thank you to everyone who's sent in versions of our theme tune. Henry, can you give me a number between one and 14, please? 14. Didn't think I'd do that, did you? I've thrown you completely, haven't I? You've probably not even got a 14. Well, this one was sent in seven months ago.

It's been on the path for seven months. It's from Rebecca. High beans, here's my dad playing a sort of jazzy wine bar version. Her dad's Richard from Hereford. Lovely. Excellent. Thank you, and thank you, Richard. So it looks like we're actually finishing

appropriately with some rural jazz, potentially. Works perfectly. Some provincial dad rural jazz. Lovely. Also, there's been very provincial daddy. Hereford is the sort of place that really gets provincial dad's tongues wagging as well. Is it?

It being the home of the SAS. What a rich furrow, isn't it? It really is. This couldn't be more appropriate. Yeah, so that's this week's episode. Thank you, everyone, for listening. See you next week.

Bye. Bye. Thank you.