Three Bean Salad - Surfin'

Episode Date: October 25, 2023

To round off series whatever it is Isabella feeds surfin' into the bean machine in the hope of crystal clear, effluent-free lukewarm banter. Will the beans turtle roll some ankle slappers? Or will they hang ten on a shubie’s mushburger? Why not tombstone a paddlepuss and find out?Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladGet in touch: [e-mail] @beansaladpod

Do you find it generally very hard to get the exact right temperature? Well, currently in the in between zone, aren't we? Which is, October is an absolute. Exactly, that's why it's particularly difficult time of year to get that right, isn't it? How many layers, fleece or not fleece? Well, too early for your that right, isn't it? How many layers fleece or not fleece? Well, too early for your thermals, isn't it? Too early for your thermals. You need to keep it waterproof for sure.

The ultimate outfit really would be your naked, inside a huge balloon. Oh, yes. That's the perfect October guest up. Keep talking. Is it a semi-transparent balloon, or fully transparent balloon or opaque balloon? A semi-transparent, so that people know you're in there,

kind of frosted glass style. Okay. So they know you're in there but they can't see that you're naked, nobody wants to see you. Is it lubricated within or are you just, you're just going to squeak about? I think you probably begin to lubricate it just with your own oils. So flubricating, okay. That's clever.

Yeah. So it's your head sticking out the top. Because in which case you're going to get a mercy surprise when you try and roll yourself down the shops. Because your head's going to be smacking pavement. Yes. Or is there a couple of sort of protuberances at the top that someone can hold on to and ride you like a space hopper? That's a nice idea. But what's that person wearing? He's wearing his own, is he wearing a balloon? He's wearing your clothes. It's about maintaining your own body heat level, isn't it? We're all at body temperature, aren't we?

Ideally. Yeah. Anyway. Right, body temperature is surprisingly high, isn't it? This is, me again, so it's quite a thick thing. What was it? 36.5 degrees? Yeah, that's 37 degrees.

37 right. That's pretty hot, isn't it, in about? 180 you're cooking a roast, yeah. So 40 you're what? It's less than that. You went on your way. You went on your way, aren't it? It's about 180 you're cooking a roast yeah so 40 you're what? He's less than that. You went on your way. You're on your way aren't you? You're slow cooking a lamb potentially. It's going to take a very long time at that temperature isn't it? Is it to slow cook a lamb? I think so. Mike you can explain this I've always wanted right so if human body temperatures 37. Yeah. Should it not mean the 37 degrees, which is very, very hot, yeah, should be out ultimate temperature. Oh, I see. Are you suggesting

is the ambient temperature should be the same as body temperature? So you can't really tell whether the air and air are the biggest. Yeah, it's the most ideal ambient temperature. But in reality, we know that's not true because 37 is horrific. No, it's desperately uncomfortable. Well, the thing is, it's how hot you are and how hot you feel, isn't it? presumably. That's what got Guani so say, did he on, did on how to look good naked. Do you remember that TV show? Do you really do a show called How to Look Good Nanky? Yeah, do you remember that? Gokwani, about a fashion man, speaks to middle aged woman who feels that she's no longer attractive. It's quite brutal. But it also felt like it was a sort of beach-head television show

for all kinds of other stuff, sort of nudy stuff in the UK, right it also felt like it was a sort of beachhead television show, sort of for all kinds of other stuff, sort of nudy stuff in the UK, right? I do think it was like he smashed through the... He smashed through the penis doors. He smashed through the glass penis, yeah. He smashed through the pants, see. He smashed open those penis doors, which are like saloon doors. They came back and smashed in again, briefly, him out a bit, got up again. I think it was largely women as well, he was helping with

their self-confidence rather than men. He would show them how to accentuate their bust and waste by wearing a belt around their midwif. That was how he used to do it. So you'd be naked except for a belt and you got into the belt. I'm rocking my new look and I'm feeling confident. I'm going down the pub and wearing just a belt. What he would do is he'd give them a new outfit which would then raise their confidence in themselves. Right. And then at the end they would prove that they had renovated their own self-esteem by

doing a naked photo shoot which would would then often be projected onto the side of the house of Parliament or on the big screen or on the David Blaine. On to David Blaine. And then the woman's husband really brought into rest of the square and go, and God could go, look at that, ask your wife. And the guy would just look really scared and it's kind of bewildered. And be wondering about the sort of constitutional implications. Wasn't I? I think that's the kind of thing that's the kind of thing where if you do it on the day you're you're you're absolutely buzzing you're like this has been so freeing for me. I am going to do it. Do you know what I am going to do it? I don't want to do it.

I am going to do it. I shouldn't do it in its madness, but I'm going to runny do it. And who do you thought that little old me? The nibble would have guessed. My left nibble. Completely obscuring big bend. Completely obscuring big bend. Thousands of tourists complaining from across the world because I can't see big bend. I can just see my left nibble. It's amazing. I've never made a big fuss about anything. I've just let a simple life. I'm a very private person, really. If anything, a bit of me feeling like I'm

regretting this decision completely. It's a really bad idea. And my right knockers on a bus and just moving around with the bus, my right knockers going round. Are they telling me that? I don't know how they've done that. It's got a reductor. I've got an amphibious boob.

My ass is the cabinet. Warrooms now somehow. It's an undergoing wartime bunker. They're only a cobra meeting in my anus. They've decided to invade Paraguay. That's unprecedented. Is that my fault? Is that because of my anus?

I just want to make clear that when they did do the photoshoot with Gokwan and the participant, you couldn't see their nipples or anus. They were very tasteful. Oh, really? What? Yeah, but how were they naked? Well, they'd often obscure their,

they'd hold their breasts and arm like that. Oh, they'd often be lying down. And that's lovely though, you did that little pose, just then. Yeah, that's it's feels like it's not your first calendar shoot. That is not your first candidate. And you were in the older, I think it was the, the, the, the, the ronda lands of 97 was it? I seem to remember. That's right.

Landzo the valley. He was July through September, mate. He was too good. They couldn't pause him. He had to go through the whole summer. With just a Davey lamp obscuring the unmentionables. LAUGHTER My favorite one is...

LAUGHTER The one where you've got one foot each on two hay veils. And the camera's pointing directly up to the sky. From below. Yeah. And this is a little baby goat in a little basket. Or what do you think is a baby goat? I think it's a baby goat.

It's actually my perineal horn, which is the beard of which is coming on a treat these days, isn't it? Oh my god. Right. I think after this conversation I'm going to need Gokwan to bring back my self-esteem. I can't believe how this is really awful. It's all this content I'm producing here. It's a kind of series.

It's real kind of bottom of the barrel in the city. Last days of the road. Yeah. It's a end of series. It's real kind of bottom of the barrel. And the last days of it. Last days of it. It's last days of it. Nasty. Nasty business. No, but I was going to say about that got one thing. That's the kind of thing where that lady would,

on the day, very moving tears. Maybe did re-ignite some stuff with her and her husband. Confidence would have gone up at work the next day, the next couple of days, the next week. And then I think, I didn't know if it would, probably like three years past, probably to the day. And you go, what the fuck was I thinking? Ah!

Ah! Ah! And just screaming for the rest of your life. I was naked on a London bus. Ah! Ah! and just scream and then just screaming for this your life. I was naked on a London bus. What a power. The poor paraguians, what have I done? I spent over in a modest way, but I'd been part of it on that kind of lifestyle.

There was another program, there was an era of programs, it was about 20 years ago I think. They were done in the name of like kind of empowerment, but when you look back at them, they're awful. So there was one of those horrific, called something like How Old Do You Think I Am? Where somebody who again felt, is it just looking at people's ball bags?

And carbon dating. No, again, it would always be a woman, low on confidence, and the idea was that they tried to turn the clock back on her age. And what was particularly awful about it was that they would often make it very clear that they thought that this person was looked 15 years older than she was. And then offer her like quite invasive cosmetic surgery to do so. And I imagine three years later, all that surgery starts popping and sort of falling

off and it sort of bits of you start expanding and random. It fails. It fails. It fails. It fails. It fails. It fails. It fails.

It fails. You've got to get the icon regast, which means you're no longer road worthy. You can't actually leave your car port if you're lucky enough to have one. You're not. Well, you're not. You're not, well you're not. You're not, if you haven't got your face disc up to date, you no longer actually allowed to leave that. If you can't show an up to date face disc.

Well you get clamped, wouldn't you? You get clamped and crushed. This is the second week in a row that Mike has mentioned. The idea of a car port. What is a car port? Is that electric car thing? But I'd never heard of it. So he said it last week and I had to look it up.

Oh really? Yeah, what is a car park? And I think Mike's jonesing for a car park. I think it's because I've had to use them a couple of times in the last few months. Is it? People have, it just means a car parking space that's part of your house.

But some people now, now, such as the world, nature of the world, we live in. Lots of people now rent them out. Oh. It's time for Provincial Dad Chat. Who's hid my bloody walking boots? I'm not saying it's ruined the holiday, I'm just saying I asked for rum raisin. Get your skates on, get otherwise we'll miss the inflatable session. She's taking her mother to see blood brothers, which means more top gear time for me.

Why would I need to go and see a podiatrist? Of course, I've kept the warranty information darling. Yeah! So, so, so, so, Mike, can you say again what a carport is, sorry? I mean, it's just, I think in olden days, it would have just been called a drive, but a drive is quite a grand term, isn't it? I think no, people don't like the word drive in the post. What's the name of that posh show as a...

Stately home? No, keeping up appearances. Okay. No, what? I'm in, I'm in, I'm in Abbey. Yeah, okay. But yeah, so just like a little one of those, just a space for a car outside your house.

Car port? Yeah, which, which most people don't have There's got to be a middle ground Between drive and the car port is so ugly. Oh, it's a horrible turn It's so it's so USB stick But it's the term that's used on the like if you got a drive if you've got a gig in bath or something and you didn't away You're gonna park and oh, maybe I'll get a little car port. Oh, between gas and colors as you could like people bring a fire. I don't know what I did. I mean, that would be the dream, wouldn't it?

But people rent out the space like an Airbnb, like they rent out the spare room, they'll rent their car, but I think a car port needs a roof frame, right? For it to be a car port. Oh, well, I looked it up last week. Really? Okay. Is that not what I would have called a car parking place? Well, that's very vague, isn't it? A parking space. A parking space. Is that what it is?

I don't think so. Yes, it is. Have you got subset, doesn't it? Because a car port. Would you, a car harbour? It's from where your car embarked onto the Atlantic Ocean. Yeah. So does a car port have a lot of the stuff that goes with ports?

So a kind of port scene. Will there be people? Yeah, there are boardelos. There's a lot of the stuff that goes with ports? So I kind of port scene will there be people here? There are boardillos There's a lot of shanties going about people trying to sell you things doxai bar Doxai bar a lot of fresh prawns Crabbin small local museum dedicated to knots A jibbit several several jibbits. I went to a wedding once Where I talked to someone about the fact that they'd come in from out of town. It was London wedding. London wedding is one of the only times that

London has meet out of townness because people all come from out of town. It's a London wedding. And this person had used an app, I think this is what you're talking about, is it? They'd used an app to find a car parking space. Yeah, in a sub-evo London. It was boring when I described it, and now we're going through it again. Oh yeah. But can you imagine how boring was that their chat? Was that their wedding band? That was that that was that was that wedding band right? Because you were talking about the works of Mark Shagal, weren't you? That was your I was talking about the rest of Mark Shagal. And I was talking about how Shagal has been influenced by Chopin. It was a show, Pasha, Gal. Is there a show, Pasha, Gal?

Even Segal related to Mark Shagal. Is Segal, is there Segal, Segal, Shagal? Just show, Stephen Segal. Then diagram, that sort of thing is what I was up for chatting about. And this, this out of town, a barged in with his, his parking convenience related story. But what I did was at the time, this is what I do in these situations, I hit it with a level of interest that was massively over the top because that's what I do. I'm a people pleaser in certain ways.

So what I did was, you're a people pleaser. I don't know, is that right? Because we are both people, me and Mike and... Are you there? I think you think you're a people, please. You need to at least examine the wake of people you leave behind you and see if they are, please. I'm too busy moving on, pleasing the next people. I've moved on, I'm really pleasing to new people.

Well, Sophie, I'd expect to, please. busy moving on pleasing the next people I've moved on I'm really pleasing to new people. Was Sophie at a spectre please? No, but the recipient of those plums. Self pleasing. So self pleasing. Sometimes one I'm not a person. Sorry. I was brought up in a second way. I think it's from my parents. If someone's a bit boring at party, you just pretend to be massively interested in what they're saying. There's no other option, we'll see the other option, it's going boring. Sorry mate, this is really boring. I'm just saying I'm a socially functional human being. I'm just saying I'm a psychopath, a fairly minimal level. Although as we discussed maybe now years ago, you could have said,

fangambor. Oh, fangambor. And then just slowly walk backwards. Yeah. But basically, there's a second technique. When you're in a socially awkward situation, there's a certain technique that I use, which is I sort of overcompensate.

So push it hard. So a good example is... I'm going to be looking out for a century when we speak. Yeah, next. That's a great point, Ben, nice one. That's a great point, Ben. Nice one. This happened to me.

I was given a terrible present. Obviously, when you've been given a gift, it's a very good example of where this sort of social signal in comes to play. So I was once given by an uncle of mine. I was a teenager. I was given a sort of beige fishing, fishing waistcoat. Right.

So it was by any metric, it was absolutely terrible, present, terrible. Fishing waste coat. Yeah, it was sort of, I don't know, it's like, Jille waste the zip. Bays. I'm not missing lots of pockets. Is it lots of pockets? With millions and millions of pockets on it. Spaces of slime little worm on.

Yeah, exactly. Mike, it's for if you're fishing in the morning and then afternoon, snooker, and you both. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's chalk and maggots, basically. Yeah. Yeah. It's basically a perfect for Midlands holiday, can you pose? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's chalk and maggots, basically. Yeah. It's basically a perfect for Midlands holidays, isn't it? On the chalk and maggots express.

Chalk. I'm just thinking, what's the holiday? Because you know this holiday's where you're skiing in the morning and you're snorkeying the night. Yeah. You're fishing in the morning. You're playing snooker in the afternoon. Come to Shaffeeville. Can you fish in Shaffeeville? Probably. You can fishing in the morning, you're playing Snooker in the afternoon. Come to Shephilt. Can you fish in Shephilt?

Probably. You can fish most places. So what I did was on that day, an important moment happening my life there. This uncle had travelled, that come quite a long way to see us. It was quite a big deal as a present. I opened it up, I looked at it. There was just a fractal as a moment where I thought this is a choice in life here. What do I do here?

If I, this present is so bad that if I just sort of go, oh, thanks very much for my disappointment, it's going to be very, very hard to disguise here. Now, obviously there's that this is a shit present. You can just say that. That's like saying someone you this is a shit present. You can just say that. That's like saying someone you're boring at a wedding, you can't do that. That's... To be on the nose, isn't it? It's a bit of spit on the nose. So what I did was I went, I've got to hit this hard. And basically I went, this is unbelievable. This is the best thing I've ever had. This is the best person I've ever had. I love looking at all the pockets. Look at it.

I can put one in it. In the epilots. This is brilliant. And I was just skipping around and just, yeah, I love this. Thank you so much and hugging everyone high-five in people's office. Because now every year for 30 years,

is that me a more competitive, I've got an entire, I've gone holiday with it, I've got every year to show you. No, so the point I wanted to make about that wedding was basically I pretended, and this happens to me because basically in the moments like when I received that gift of the fishing, of the fishing waste coat, or when I was talking to this guy I was wearing about parking, I play my part so well, like a great actor, I become the part, I feel it. I genuinely feel the emotion of loving the fishing waistcoat being fat, deeply fascinated

by the idea of an app that can access parking spaces around the country that people have put out to rent. But I played the part so well that they then looking back, I can't actually remember whether or not I was interested because I've got an emotion. Because when Mike started talking about car, car, car, car, I had this emotion of like, oh yes, I had that amazing conversation, didn't I? Oh yes. But actually, I can't remember actually if I was just, if I was pretending so well,

but I felt, felt the feeling. And actually, what is truth? What are, you know, if you feel something is it real? And again, these are all things I would have been discussing at that wedding in relation to the works of Shigal, having not been interrupted. Bye, eh, eh. Boring old bastard. Your words.

My thumbs up. Can we roll play this? Mike, can you play the role of Provincial Man, excited that he's managed to use a new app or he's like his car somewhere northfinchly? Yeah. And Henry, can you show us how you reacted? Hi there. Hi, I'm Henry, I'm friend of the...

I might come... Yeah, I sort of used to get a uni with Dave, but don't know if they're any more, no, we've come actually come down from from Gloucester. Oh wow yeah I've heard Gloucester is really nice. Yeah well we drove actually because the trains are a nightmare so but luckily I managed to park the car just I just short tube right away actually because I've got that fresh port, do you use fresh port? No tell me what is fresh port that sounds interesting and it's just a one of mine is a car port in North Finchley and it's pretty cheapest chips actually. So it costs $10, 24 hours.

And... Well, I tell you what, chips aren't... Wish chips were cheap. You should try some of the local gastropubs and beastroes and so on, I go to your regular basis. LAUGHTER Yeah. Triple cooked. But yeah, it's really, it's really simple. You're just just logging and What and see literally just use an app to find someone else's Yeah, yeah, just put the ice for the post code in really the wedding and you get to find the nearest one and

The whole thing finds it on that that is absolutely brilliant Yeah, you can even not can even cure it into my satin abs or just plug it straight in it's so see literally You don't even have to do because obviously with the congestion charge you're avoiding all that is absolutely brilliant Yeah, we're outside of that. That's amazing. Yeah, and I got one of the new Balingos as well, so we're okay with the emissions. Don't get a chance for that. No, they're... A seam animal?

A Becky pond? A seam... A Balingo whale. The Balingo, then you do the new Balingo? What is a Balingo? Wait, so it's a sort of cross between between a city and a people carrier, really. Oh, that sounds incredible. Hi, guys. Sorry.

Hi, I'm from the venue I work here, just let you know, and please don't approach the chocolate fountain. It is malfunctioning. Now, it's firing out professionals. They're like on fire at that heart. And I don't know, somebody's shoved the whole of the professionals on the bottom of the chocolate

fountain, so I'm just going around to let everyone know to not approach it. Sorry, sorry about that. The only reason I got to be able to say my wife to come was because individuals on the bottom of the chocolate fountain. So I'm just going down to everyone to not approach it, sorry. Sorry about that. The only reason I got to be swaying my wife to come was because I did say there was a chocolate fountain. So I would like to still see the chocolate fountain. I'm Sean B. Yeah.

Sean B. You're the Australian Sean B. I'm Sean B. I can love it. I'm intentionally seeing so I'm playing with badminton. I'm playing with badminton. I'm playing with badminton. At this wedding, so people I know that I'm sure I'm being, but I am sure I'm being.

I keep stripping up when I introduce myself with my name. I'm blowing it up. I'm the first central person. I wanted to go incognito when you're sure I'm blown at it, I'm the first central game. I'm sure I'm the first central game. I'm the one of the Gary Incognito and you're teaming when you're sure of seeing. I'm supposed to say, I'm, so my name is Terence Biosystem. Teri Biosystem, you can call me. Sorry, that's the name I was supposed to ask. But I know, that's it.

I've got a problem, which is I think I'm sure I'm being occasionally sometimes for a bit. All right, now, now I've heard what's happening is because of the old plumbing at these venues, you can't get the pants. Because it's the old Victorian chocolate plumbing system. No, they've not upgraded. You can't get the pants. What I've heard has happened right apparently is they've wiped up the worst case scenario.

The chocolate fan is actually wiped up to the toilets which means um it's those are profiterals dream on they're not profiterals on the plus side the toilets are absolutely fracking bram with profiterals so get in there could yourself a spoon get down there It does feel wrong initially on your knees, but honestly. You get used to it, you do it. Sounds like quite a good wedding, you want to say something? It actually was, you know what? It's actually a decent wedding.

Let's turn on that bean machine. This week's topic as sent in by Isabella. From Bremen. Isabella. Is. Surfing. Oh well, oh well, oh well. It's got a bit Russian monkey. Russian mung is concerted. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. called Gareth. Yep. The original beam machine anyway. He has had a recently had a big beach boys phase where he's like, I've always liked the beach boys but I'm going to listen to their complete works. Very Gareth. Is he like their generally Gareth? Is he a proper completed?

He's a completeist. Yeah, like, yeah, he'll have like a little project where he'll be like, right, tell you what, I'm going to like, like, he before we left the Europe after the Brexit referendum, he ticked off every European country. He ticked them off. When I say ticked off, I mean, he visited.

He didn't hear it tell them off. He ticked off every European city. He's every European town as a Canadian. He went to every European country within the EU between 2016 when we voted to leave. And I think 2020 when we finally... That's superb. Yeah, yeah. So he's a man who likes a project.

And he's a man who likes to have deep knowledge of something, isn't he? So he decided he was going to listen to all the Beach Boys output. Yeah. And he was telling me, I think it might be their last album where they're all in it, I think. It's from the early 90s. It's known, I think, as being a really, really bad album. And the reason is, because you know in the Beach Boys there's two songwriters on there. There's Brian Wilson. Yeah, who's amazing. So I think the deal is that Brian Wilson's

is this kind of creative genius. And then Michaelov is a guy who just likes writing songs about surfing, right? And he has a platform to do so. Yeah. So in the early 90s, when they're all like getting on a bit, yeah. He writes an album that's all about hitting the beach. Yeah. Yeah. And it sort of doesn't really make sense anymore because they're all basically old men. But it's still like we're gonna hit the waves tonight.

And this is a pretty lady sitting on some sand. Waves after wave after wave of storm, the gusset. Making it hard for me to enjoy this roast. That's nothing. Help me, Rhonda. Help me, help me, Rhonda. Do or shit. Help me, Rhonda. Help me, Rhonda. Open myit. Help me, Randa. Help me, Randa. Open my bow. Help me, Randa. Help me, help me, Randa, with the creams, with the brand,

with your various creams. By the way, there's a whole genre of doing this kind of joke, and I didn't use that clever or funny, to be honest. But the next song you'll lampoon? It's helped me wander again. Help me help me run the golf the stairs help me Yeah, okay, so I'm just looking at the Wikipedia for it. It's called summer and paradise Right is the only beach boys album not to feature any contributions from Brian Wilson Oh, interesting and has been regarded as the band's critical

and commercial low point. Oh, no. Paul Mike Lov, though. Oh, Mike Lov, it wasn't me. Well, it's Mike Lov's role in the band if he's not writing songs. But also, Mike Lov, he never needed to do the control experiment to work out whether or not,

you know, the level to which his influence was making the songs good. And now he'd see done the control experiment. And now he knows for a, I feel really sorry for Mike Love. Oh, what is it? What is it? What was his role?

Can I just say, Mike's union going on here anyone? That's it. You're standing up for Mike Love. Yeah, Mike's union, isn't it? Well, sometimes a Mike puts his head above the parapet and he regrets it. I think to begin with, he was the main one in the Beach Boys, right?

I think he was the Lamp singer. Oh really? Or maybe lyricist, I'm not sure. But they all sang, right? So he's got a set of pipes. Yeah, I think he can go, ooh, yeah. Along with the rest of them.

Ooh, ooh, I'm struggling to put in my shoes. Ooh. That's how he- Help me, Rhonda. Help me, help me, round it with my special shoes. Help me round, help me round it. That's the ultra-pedit shoes, help me round it. That's the, that's the, sorry.

God, I don't approve of that kind of joke. They sweet bad. Help me round it, understand, take talk. Help me round it. I understand social media, help me round it. Help me help, run it. Customs are my brothers and my grandchildren. Help me round it, help me, run it helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping,

helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, helping, off the shelf AI if you asked to come up with a name for a beach boys album. Yeah. Track one. Hot fun in the summertime. Yeah. Right. Oh. I'm wearing too many layers. Help me round. Help me. I'm too hot in the summertime. Help me round. Help me. You were wrong about that cardigan, Runder. Help me round. Oh god.

Okay. Track two. Yeah. Surfing. Come on. Oh God. Okay, track two. Yeah, surfing. Come on. Never. Is that surfing? With at least tell me they've left out the G at least. There's no Gs, it's a surfing. Yeah, that's because you couldn't find the G. Help me round.

Help me help me. I can't find the G. Okay, so that's enough of that by the way. Stop. Track three. Summer of love. Track four. Track G PT all the way. Island Love. Track 4. A Chatchy PT all the way.

Island Fever. Track 5, Still Surfing. LAUGHTER Oh my god. Still hot and it's still summertime fun feverish and it's still on the island. That would be like a Beatles album that was like, I still want to hold your hand. Can I still holding your hand? Track three. My hand's getting hot, but I'm going to keep holding on, baby.

Track five, I think our hands have actually become welded. Track six, you can't put a straining order on someone's hand. Track six, slow summer dancing, brackets, one summer night. Can they've left the G off the dancing? They have, yeah. Yeah, and out of night as well. It's summer night. Can they've left the G off the dance in? They have, yeah. Yeah, and out of night as well. It's a night. Knee.

Knee. Track seven, strange things happen. That's the first non-summer or non-surf based title. Seven tracks. That's the beginning of the journey within the concept. Yes. Like Track nine might be funeral insurance. Track 8.

Remember brackets walking in the sand. We're back to the beach. Great. That's a cover isn't it? That's the same as song. Oh, it is. It's quite something. George Morton.

Shangranas. Okay, great. Track 9. Lahaina Aloha. Oh, okay. Because you've got to put some sort of cod Spanish in there somewhere. Well, it's cod Hawaiian, I admit. Cod Hawaiian, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Track 10, under the boardwalk, which I guess might be a... Yep, I'll be covered. Cover. I mean, they've totally stopped trying at this point, yeah. Track 11, Summer in Paradise, Track 12, Thorever. So there you go. Got that, it's leaning really hard into one element of it, isn't it? If you're that into surfing, then how

do you got this much time to spend in the recording studio writing songs going on tour? Why don't you go surfing then? I don't think the beach boys did surf. Then I choose to disagree and I choose to state that I believe they recorded all of their albums while surfing. That's how they managed to bottle that magic. Is that where they're going? That's the sound you make when you surf. It was an absolute health and safety nightmare in terms of the recording equipment. Yes. I think I'm just looking at one of them surfed. Dennis Wilson surfed. Okay. The other did not surf. I've read a thing, I'm really thinking, Dennis, was the only one who could really, really serve. We all tried, even Brian, but we were terrible.

We just wanted to have a good time and play music about serving for some reason. I suppose it could be about something, isn't it? It could just be about playing music, although actually an album that is about recording an album to me would actually be really interesting. Oh yeah, that is interesting. Track one could be called Track One. Think about interesting. Yeah. Yeah, do you know what? Actually, it's a park here for the wedding.

We actually drove over from not to him. Do you know we use it? Really? That sounds incredible. Because we're going to do an NCP, NCP car park. Right. But it's like 25 quid for... Oh, that's really that's something credible because we're gonna do an ncp and speak our part, but it's like 25 quid for oh That's really interesting. That's much more interesting than actually, you know, challenging the very essence of what a whole art form is about Yeah, tell me more about the parking So I'm just gonna shout something into this professor. Oh

Proke your fuck So yeah, um that wasn't a ritual, Henry. No! I was thinking you should like get app chat GPT and ask it to name 10 new beach boys songs. Yeah, that's got a good idea. Loader up. I'm making it Mike Lovers and Wikipedia page and there's a bit called political views. And Lover describes himself as progressive, I'm making it Michael Everson with a PG page and there's a bit called Political Views. Yeah. And, um,

Love describes itself as a progressive, notwithstanding the friendly relationship between the Beach Boys and George H.W. Bush for many years. Hmm. They don't seem like an obvious way, do they? Well, I don't know, because how their music, it's all quite, it's all quite conservative with a small sear reckon, because it's all, it's very preppy, isn't it? You just, you get your girl and you go down the beach and

you go to the beach and you go to your girl and you get a nice, preppy sort of summer race stuff. It's shaped, can you go on a summer break and... It's not exactly radical is it? Go down the milk bar. You get down the milk bar, you get down the laundromat, you stick your eyes cream in the, stick it on a hot cycle. Back of a Chevy. Back of a Chevy. And you're home in time for the Fetzage Line. Exactly. What's the moon landings? America. America.

America. America. I'd like two tickets for the Chetanuga Choo Choo. America! America! Get me the DA! As long as old mothers are poor, down the animal. In New York City. No one's ever gonna listen to this crazy new music you're making, Mr. Presley. Burgers. Please come up with 10 new names for beached boys songs.

And let's see what's better. Mike Love or ChatGee PT. Oh, I'm sorry, Mike Love. These are much better. I can tell already. Let's have some. Track one. I'm interested in this album.

Track one. Sunset serenade. Yes. Yes. I like it. Because it's almost like you picture the beach. You need to be on the nose with it. To Beach Boys album, everything's the same.

You've got all the Beach Boys on the front, except you said of Michael Lov. There's a horrible rope. That's what? With Michael Lov's hair cut stuck on. Stuck stuck on. Track two. Wave whispers. Oh, that's nice.

That's quite nice, isn't it? Wave whispers. Whispers whispers whispers. Track three, Sam Castle Dreams. OK. That's good. Can I just say something? Probably a bit point, isn't it?

Because Sam Castle's quite often get washed away. So it's pointy and it's moving already. Yeah, I'm imagining that it's actually about the lost instance of childhood. Exactly. And the sandcastles dreams they get washed away in the... Yeah. ...in the service... ...the futility of vaulting ambition. Yes, that's beautiful. Yeah. Track four.

Tidal harmony. Hmm. Hmm. Quite nice. Possible title for Ben and my side project podcast. Oh, yes. Title harmony. It's quite nice. It's quite kind of the tides come in, the tides go out. There's time passing, but also there's a beauty in that. There's a harmony between the in and the out, the air they're having and flowing in life. Are you saying it's more complex than the song Surfing? I think it might.

Let's do it. I think let's do a track by track comparison, in fact. Okay. So track one is Sunset Ceremony. What is it on that one? I think it was Hot Fun Summertime. Wasn't it? Hot Fun in the Summertime. It is it on that one? I think it was hot fun summertime. Wasn't it hot fun in the summertime?

It just sounds really mindless, doesn't it? Yeah, so there's no nuance in that number two wave whispers surfing Number three, San Castle dreams just thinking about that. I could well up. I could actually cry real tears Look to that those two words for long enough. Well, we got track three? Summer of love. Three lame. Track four, title harmony. Track four, island fever. I think title harmony is better. Yeah, it is. Yeah.

Track five, breezy bliss. Ooh. That's not so good. It's not the best. That sounds like a really sort of dodgy sort of B and B that you might come across in the other white. Yeah, all the name of like a lip balm, they selling classic accessories.

Yeah. Come on, chat GPD. Come on chat gpd. You can get better number six surfside symphony. Oh Is that a cover of bittersweet symphony, but in a surf style Might be number seven seaside reverie dreadful. No, that's bad. Yeah, we don't like that No, what's number seven on the on the mic? I'm album strange things happen. That's better It's on the nose, but it's better number eight Coral carnival You know what that sounds like a Pixar movie Coral carnival. Yeah, no, no, what you nearly what it is is When you're watching a

Pixar film on DVD and you're fast forwarding through scenes and scenes have names Which never happens in the real film. If you've ever had that experience, your fast forwarding through the film. There was only aware of the chapter name. Suddenly you're in, oh, apparently this bit's coral carnival. What bit of a Pixar film are you fast forwarding to? What do you mean?

I normally just watch the whole film as Henry's trying to find the blue bits, Henry. What are you looking for? The battle scene. No, I don't know that. I think no. Do you just watch the end of Finding Nemo again and again and again? Just a bit with a Fine Nemo, man. Yeah.

You can't bear the journey. But it's good straight to Finding Nemo, please. I can't deal with it. I know the Seagulls are quite friendly characters, but still it's the fact that he haven't found Nemo yet. I can't deal with it. As far as I'm concerned, it's a 20 minute film called, We Found Nemo.

Here he is. We Found Nemo. Here he is. Here's Nemo. Here's Nemo. Number nine, aquatic melodies. Oh, aquatic is a word that very rarely comes up and entitles with anything, isn't it? Yeah, it's a very functional word. It's not very lyrical. It's and they're getting worse because it's getting more thesaurus-y inhuman somehow, isn't it?

It's really started, well, and the last one, coastal carousel. Yeah, I mean, the sort of... It's just sort of the saurus all the way now, isn't it? Come on, it's the death of thesaurus-ing it. I dread to think, in fact... Yeah, can you ask it for 20 more and see where it ends up? Please come up with...

200. Me names. For Beach Boys songs. I'm not suggesting we read all of them. Let's go straight to the end. Okay. Oh my lord, he's kind of... Is it just sort of wet humming?

Well, it's already lost it at number 11, which is mango tango shore. Come on down to the mango tango shore. They've got mangoes. They've got tangos and it's on the coast. Mango tangos are free on the Mango Tango Shore. Mango tangos are free. Mango tangos with me. Daddy says don't mango with the man. Come and go to the Mango Tango with me. Cause your mum says don't do a tango on the Mango with me. It's not bad.

Yeah, it's getting really refraps a D. We've got ocean odyssey over to your. Yeah, that's any number 77. Barefoot blues in it mine. That's number 74. C. Shells Shuffle. Pond dutch. Right down to, I mean, number 150. Salt water serenity. That's pushing me. It's really inhuman that. I've asked Chappie GPT, can you come up with the name of a song that the comedian Mike Guazniak could sing with the Beach Boys?

It says, how about a song called Surf in the Standup Wave? Oh my God. Oh my God. The comedian Mike Guazniak collaborates with the Beach Boys. Right, you've got to put that out. Is there time for Mike to put that out at Christmas?

Yeah. Surfing the stand up wave. Dolphin dreams. Salty Samber. I like it. Driftwood dance. Salty Samber, don't mind. Salty Samber sounds like a sort of,

like it might have been Patrick Swayze's first movie that he doesn't like talking about anymore. The weird thing about surfing is, for some reason it's cool, it's a cool thing to do and it's always been cool. So when the Beach Boys were singing about it, it was cool. It's still kind of cool, right? But there's now a new thing, which is a bit like surfing, but they've taken all the cool out of it. And now for some reason, people go paddle boarding.

And you're, what I don't think that's cool. Does anyone think paddle boarding is cool? What is paddling? Well, that's what I'm saying. It's like they've taken all the coolness out of surfing and replaced it with this thing that I don't know what they're doing. I, I didn't know what they're doing. It's quite big in our neck of the woods, paddle boarding. There's a lot of people that around the stick of the woods who own, own a paddle board, whether it's an inflatable one or a solace one. Are you standing on the board with a, with a big or basically what happens? I, I, I, I've never really understood the appeal. I think

some people think it's good for their guns. I think some people think it's just a very relaxing way to ball about on the sea. It definitely keeps the coast guard out of trouble, you know. It's quite an easy way to get washed out towards France. I mean, that keeps it busy. Oh, yeah, yeah. It keeps it busy. Oh, my God.

Yeah. I mean, anytime there's a sunny day down around this neighborhood, someone's, you know, you know that by 11, 20 a.m, someone's going to be halfway to Gernsey on a paddleboard. That sounds like a good beach boy song halfway to Gernsey on a paddleboard. I'm looking at photos of people paddleboarding. And I don't want to malign anyone that does this as a hobby, but the word that comes to mind is pathetic. It looks... It looks pathetic.

It doesn't just look pathetic, it looks like a symbol of the futility of life. Like a man slightly hunched over with a stick standing on a bit of a board. So sort of pointless looking. No, I'm mystified by it. A group of small kids can have quite a lot of fun on a pound of board just pushing each other over and all that kind of stuff. That makes an entire sense to me. But when you see a middle-aged man, who for the day has been persuaded to put away his light-growing and his clickety-clackety cycling shoes and his bicycle, it's the same guy who's out on the scene. It's quite hard work. It's the same guy. He's out on the scene. It's quite hard work.

It's quite, it's quite pleasureless. It looks pleasureless and very lonely. I mean, if there's any sort of tide, any movement of the water at all, it's a credibly hard work to get in. And in return for that hard work, all you get is the quattidian thrill of standing up. You just have to sit down and then you have to put it away again. You have to drag it in and push it on the top of your car and put it up.

You may be able to stand still on the pavement for a while. There are people though, in this take, in the way too seem to enjoy, like if the weather is nice, getting the kit, they have a garage and they have kit, and they want to get the kit, and they want to put the kit on the car in a special way with special straps. So, when they've got the kit and they drive the kit down, they assemble the kit and then fight the kid and they put the kid out and then they get the kid wet and

The kid injured somebody in the child cries because they don't want to get involved You're not how much money I've spent on this kid And they won't do the kids so the dad goes out with the kid and then comes out and he's got to hose the kid to sand off the kid I think half it's quite a good way of spending not actually spending a lot of time with your family Well technically pretending you're spending time with your family It's true. It's true. Let's all get together. We're all getting the car. We'll go down the seaside and I'll go away on my piece of wood I'll go on a piece of wood. I'll spend four hours getting the piece of wood ready before yes You just don't bother me in the carriage when I'm getting ready and then after you don't have leave me alone in the carriage

Because I do need to hose it down and we'll need to dry off and then then wax it afterwards. It'll leave me alone in the garage while I'm doing it, please. And then when the, when the coast guard pick you up, you go, no, I was trying to float to Guernsey. Don't take me back to the shore, please. Yeah, the coast guard is returning wave upon way for middle-aged men to their families. Let's just escape. Okay, listen, Mr. Coastguard, this wet piece of haddock says you never saw no middle-aged man head into guns. What do you say?

Not interested? But what do you say this fistful of herring? Also say that I was just a piece of driftwood, which emotionally in a way would be right. That was floating to go and say there weren't no middle-aged man on that driftwood. No. Maybe these prawns are just from Mammothess, I didn't catch them. That's pretty good. Maybe these prawns. I'd rather you didn't take these prawns because I do actually like these prawns and they're quite expensive prawns. Yeah, I'm hoping I can get them to reproduce.

And well, I'm going to have to make a living on. I'm trying to get these cooked prawns to reproduce. I'm hoping that I'm hoping that Goonsy is crying out for some sort of prawn based sex review late-knife Friend and go but I don't really know what the scene is there. I've never made it this far before I'm so close to try every weekend to get to Guernsey and you guys always put me back It's it's a former prawn puppetry. You see if I put each prawn on the end of a chopstick I can make the

Move up and down. I can make a look at their making love for the dance It's actually very tasteful. But earlier in the day, the big kids show where the prawns are simply arguing. A simple punch and duty show where the prawns are beating each other with sticks. Oh, that's funny. I thought I had a mackerel in my left hand, but it seems to have disappeared and made its way into your pocket. I wonder how that happened.

Officer. Not for me to ask. Officer, I'm just a piece of driftwood without no middle-aged man on it. Please get that winch off me, get a stop-winching me, stop-winching me! It doesn't have to be Gerns, yeah. I could live on Sark, Aldony, please! Let's read your emails. When you send an email, you must give thanks to the postmasters that came before. Good morning, postmaster. Anything for me? Just some old shit.

When you send an email, This represents progress. Like a robot, shooting a horse. Hit me your horse. Go for it. Yes. My beautiful horse. Okay, the first lot of emails are to do with. I feel like it's good to round off this is the last of the series.

We've had a lot of fun this series with geographical records. People reaching for the stars, reaching for the skies, and listening to the podcast, they're ever higher altitudes. And I think we've got our winner. Oh, okay. This is exciting. So this is from Lucien. My oxygen deprived brain cells are trying to compose this email for my recovery bed in Tanzania. Promising? I can confirm that at the point of submitting

the highest free standing mountain in the world, the Bayamoth Kilimanjaro at 5,895 metres. Wow. I had some lukewarm higsboast on bean banter peppering my eardrums. Wow, we had that. That's amazing. Whilst a combination of sub-zero temperatures,

severe exhaustion and a highly highly explosive bowel predicament means I have absolutely no idea what was said. That's amazing. That's interesting. What does that mean free standing? It's the tallest free stand? Well, it's kind of on its own, isn't it? If you look at it, it's just flat all around it, and then it's like a drawing of a mountain.

It just comes out of the... Yeah, okay. ...you kind of start at almost sea level, I think, and then you just, that's why it's so tall. So, so he's, he's at, he's, he's just summited, Kim and Daryl. Yeah. I think we do need to check, though, whether that is actually higher than somebody went to somewhere in the Himalayas, didn't they? Yes, I think it was at Everest Base Camp or something like that. Yes, it was. Let me check. So he's at 5,895 feet, meters. Measers? Measers?

Crumbs. Yeah, and every space camp is only 5, I say only, only 5,364 meters. And that's straight up again, that's, yeah, that's, that's, again, that's straight up. What you just imagine a crow crow as the crow is fired. As the crow is fired out of the blowhover whale. So straight up. So he's a good half-kilometre. He's crumbs.

Different. Before did he both an email with a picture of Lucien at the top of Kilimanjaro? So he was listening to it on top. Well in the photo he proves it. He's showing the screen. Oh, wow. Oh, Lucian, that's extraordinary. That thanks that Lucian, that is brilliant.

I love that photo, that's so good. Hang on. Let us temper our, it's a congratulation of Lucian. Really? Yes. Okay. Because I'm also going to read out this email from David.

David writes, I listened at 5,895 meters. He too ascended Kilimanjaro. Oh, and brought a step ladder and went up a bit more. And he's higher, I'm the same mountain. No, he's at the same height. So he's at the same height. But do we have to get heightest, though? Do we have to work out who's... Who's the actual Thomas?

He is a higher up, which we are seeing in days. Also, who has a lower average ambient height throughout the year? Yes, that's right. We've discussed this already. Yeah, and I either of them are a fan of a Cuban heel. Yes, all of this stuff. So, congratulations both to Lucian and to David. Yeah. hang on. No, what's all in it? Has an email from Jossu. Jossu, Jossu writes deer beans with the sole purpose of being mentioned in a podcast. There has nothing to do with mountaineering. I left my home not far from Bremen at the end of September towards Tanzania, where I climbed Mount Kilimanjaro.

Oh my God. They're all at it. They're all at it. This podcast runs the risk of eroding the peak of Mount Kilangaro to the point where it is no longer 5,895 meters tall from sheer footfall. Could it be that most of our listeners are listening at the top of Kilangaro? It's probably a lot better if you're slightly sort of hypoxic, isn't it? There's a little bit less oxygen, something around your brain cells.

Can I say that photo at the top of Kilimanjaro? There's a great photo. He's given us one photo where he's listening to the episode. Another one where he's just standing next to the sign they've got at the top. And it's great because it's Mount Kilimanjaro. Congratulations. You hurrayu peak, Tanzania, 5.895 meters. And then it's got a bunch of statistics, facts.

Africa's highest point, and then they guess it's slightly less good as it goes down. Worlds highest free standing mountain, yeah. Because that's what matters with mountains, isn't it? It's how free standing they are. Yeah. And then it goes down to one of the world's largest volcanoes. One of them. Are you dedicating the achievements of our listeners, Henry? No, not all loads and loads of rocks. They get

really desperate towards the bottom probably more pebbles than you see on an average Sunday. No, what I mean? Voted the 48th best view in Hague's magazine July 2007. That's brilliant. So I think where that leaves us is, the current, at the end of the series, the current record holders are all three Lucian, David and Jossu. If you can tell us how high your ears are off the ground, we can then make an official ruling. We'd be interested in that. And it also basically points to the only way somebody could beat this is Everest, I think.

And a bit listen, we can't encourage that because Everest is an absolute death trap. We can not encourage people to start thinking about that as a... No, be horrible if there was a frozen body found on the face of Everest and clutching a phone listening to three bean salad into its dead ears. You know, you can see their frozen fingers in the middle of writing quite a withering review. Yeah, we don't know if it was a one-star review or if they died after doing one of the five songs. We don't know how many stars, but it's at least one. Comes with a very interesting story of Cracked It, then.

Now, we've got an email on the topic of injuries that can happen to you as a scientist. Oh, very good. Yeah, so we spoke about the Higgs boson and particle accelerators last week. Eleanor from Melbourne emails, I'm a scientist who works at the Sinkertron, a type of particle accelerator designed to produce light a million times brighter than the sun. Holy moly. Using an adapted sink. A really well polished sink.

I mean, what possible use could light a million times brighter than the sun? B. Good for getting rid of burglars. I see what maybe you can turn it into a torch light that can actually find some actual policies with this new Labour manifestum. Okay. Okay. So I'm in the Labour party, actual policies, you know, it's all very well and good. It's saying there'll be a change after 13 years of Tory role, but have you actually

got solid policies? Yeah. I like it. Yeah, it's all right. I got it. We, it's all right. I got it. I got it on the end. It didn't smack of being fully thought through and you started. Has it been 13 years of Tori, Ron, by the way? Yes.

Yes. Or there was a coalition for the first five years. Darling, darling, Clegg. Darling, Clegg. Who's smile, Sean, brighter than the sinker, Ron? It really did. Hey, isn't Ellen gonna give a tell us about some synchrotron injuries? In fact, his, his small burnt so brightly that actually completely made, made the previous

liberal commitments around proportional representation and tuition fees in practically invisible. Is that correct? Yes. Henry, did you hear Mike trying to cutale the banter just then? I did, I know. I just I thought this isn't happening. I'm no, I'm going to carry on and I've even got more. The way they mumble in films, these are honestly here. Plenty of subtitles to watch a film that's actually English language in the first place. I thought, I just couldn't say, I thought, wouldn't it have been better to keep Nick Clegg on as a sort of permanent partner to whoever's in government? So, you know, you win an election in order to partner with Clegg.

To spend time with Nick Clegg. What to partner with Clegg? So Clegg is the constant, I should admit. Clegg is the constitution. Clegg is the constant, I'm sure you'd mean. Clag is the constitution. Clag is the constitution. We don't have a written constitution, but we've got Nick clag. I don't think that would be a good idea.

Yeah, your eyes probably, um, because we'd be depriving Facebook of one of their best executives. That's true. And the whole clag topia section of the metaverse wouldn't exist. They shut down the metaverse, do you know that? Are they?

They just, yeah, they invested like two billion dollars into it and then they were like, actually, this is rubbish. Oh, really? It's got rid of it. Yeah. Who's meant to be the future, isn't it? Yeah. Well, they did that quietly.

You spotted it, didn't you, Ben? Well, they do. Yeah, well, I keep tabs on Clegg. Well, you in the metaverse at the time when you got shut down. You're queuing up to buy a candle-ooped melon. LAUGHTER Everyone who is inside the metaverse

when you shut down died in real life. LAUGHTER I was only spared because the beam machine kept me alive. LAUGHTER Eleanor writes, in my day-to-day work, I encounter numerous hazards, liquid nitrogen, powerful x-ray beams, I'm just going to be hammering that satire jingle button. Even let yourself, even allow yourself a little glasses wig at the end of that one.

I'm just going to be hammering that satire jingle button. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Even let yourself, even allow yourself a little glasses wiggle at the end of that one, ever. It does, it does, it does. Ladies and gentlemen, please pray silence for a moment of satire. MUSIC Jonathan Swindt. Holding institutions to account.

Mark Twain. speaking truth to power. Sure, sir. A core part of any healthy democracy. Jumbo Wumber. Can our jokes actually change government policy? Of course they can. Quiet, please respect this important mode of humour. Electrons whizzing around at nearly the speed of light, lasers, acids and so on.

However, the worst injury I've sustained in this hot pot of scientific dangers was the time I threw my back out, picking up a kettle. Best wishes to you all, and another from Melbourne. That's lovely stuff. That's really good. It's the one you least expect as it turns out. It's the one you get. There she is, dodging acids and high velocity, industrial robots.

But that's what happens, it's the one, yeah, it's when you're not. She let a guard down when she's picking up a kettle. I mean, you say that's what happens. Lauren emails. Your discussion of science injuries stood some memories from my time studying for my degree in molecular immunology. I did not acquire any tooth or claw-based injuries, but I was injured by some fruit flies. The container they were in was knocked from the shelf it was on, and in my haste to catch it,

I slipped and brought my arm down onto several upright scalp holes. That's the worst way to store a scalp hole. It does set a good point. You know what, I think she did. This is just from my knowledge of science. She had one of those wooden objects with the holes in that you put test tubes in. Yeah. Her test tubes were probably in the dishwasher.

She had a few scalp holes at her hand and she propped them up like test tubes in those little holes. The fruit flies on the fruit fly shaft above them the rest of it. Yeah. Right. So it's all because she was trying to do a little model re-enactment of the battle of Bosworth. That'll be that'll be a problem. They're going to be tight. Not a problem. And the fruit flies are going to be tiny archers. Yeah. It's also right, a classic lab injury across most sciences is one's hair catching fire. I saw this happen twice, both times to men who

seemingly thought that their long hair didn't need to be tied back for safety like all of the women. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER I can imagine that. I can imagine that. A little point, by the way, if you do want to recreate the Battle of Bosworth with science equipment,

don't, I have to point you towards Netflix and the film starring Sean Bean, Bosworth. Is that real? Yes, Sean Bean plays every character, including Bosworth itself. Including Bosworth itself. Uh, Mike E. Mills. Pirate Mike. Pirate Mike, okay.

Dear Beams, Shanti-Boleking a Hoi. It's Shanti-Boleking of the Week. In last week's episode, Microfared to Wessex Lan Chantes. As a member of a preeminent Wessex Chanty crew, the Itchen Privatiers, I have to decide to moderate-bolican here. I mean, can we just take a moment

over that name of his band? Yeah. That's a rib-old joke, isn't it? Oh, Itchen, as in Itchen Privat. Itchen Privat, yeah. From the River Itchen. It's good. It's good stuff't it? Oh, itching as in itching private. Itching private air. From the river itching. It's good. It's good stuff.

It's very, very good stuff. Now what follows, Mike, is a bollking, which I'll let you deal with, but I'm not sure it's a stand-up. He writes, Lan Chanties aren't a thing. Right. You just said Chanties.

I did say Chanties, isn't that? They aren't a thing, you're right. So I only sing Lan shanties. I did say shanties, isn't that they aren't a thing, right? I only sing lawn shanties. Lovely lawn shanties. Land shanties aren't a thing. Yeah, we all know that. I think we all know that's the thing. So the bollocking is based on the idea, is that the basis of the bollocking? Yeah. Well read on my friend by all means, but it sounds like we're dealing with fruit of the poison to tree here. Yeah, well read on my friend by all means, but it sounds like we're dealing with fruit of the poison to tree here.

I mean, my response is that Mike, you were attempting humor. I was attempting it, I was trying it, because we all know this such a thing as a seashell tree. Yeah. And I think I was getting a little bit wacky. I was getting my wacky on. By the way, is this technically an itching bog? Oh God.

Oh God. And I ain't going to scratch it. No, Mike, the reason, so normally I would, I wouldn't even read out this kind of bullocking, because I feel like it's, it's an obvious reflecto-bolic, really. Yeah. Yeah. Mike, we're making a joke. So Mike, would you like to, would you like to accept a reflecto, then I'll explain why I read it out? I'm going to reflect that because I think it was clear that I was having a little bit of silly fun.

Reflecto, follow. You think that someone who's got a band called The Itch in Private is with NERBA having a bit of fun? So you've reflected it. He says, I have recorded a beam shanty, which I will deliver when the bolloking is accepted. Hang on, but oh, see. He's holding your bollock to rinse.

I mean, on one hand, I really want to hear the bean chanty. On the other hand, should Mike take a bollock that he doesn't deserve? What price, dignity? What price pride? It seems too cruel, doesn't it? What kind of champ am I if I just accept a bollock for the sake of a bit of chanty? How much do you two want to hear the shanty? Mike, could you accept the bollock, but with your bollocks crossed? Do it, Mike, do it! Okay. Twist them.

Hold on. Hold on. Full torsion. Accept the bollockin'.'s it. The ball of king. Accept it. We now need that bean chanty. Also writes PS. Everyone is welcome to come down and sing C chanties with the crew at the high-to-tavan

and Winchester every second Friday of the month. Mentioning pompadoo to me will get you a pint. It's pretty good, isn't it? Oh nice. It's a good plug. It's a good plug. This is great. That sounds good. It's a good plug. This is great email from Tom. Gidebeans, I work in the emergency services,

taking emergency ambulance calls equivalent to your 999. So I assume he's not in Britain then, but he doesn't say where he's from. He also started with the phrase Gide. Ah, sure luck wasn't the extra extra good. Thank you. Yes. I think you're probably right in thinking.

So do Australian people even write Gidey and let enter the email? He has. So he works at the ambulance service. On a recent call, a patient asked not to be given a bolicking for me for the misdeeds which led him to need the ambulance. I don't think. Bollicking is not a very common local expression

and I thought, could it be I quietly spoke the word Pompadoo Knowing the call was being recorded and I might have some explaining to do He immediately brightens and replied with the same Our being connection helped him in his time of need and hopefully his poorly judged object insertion was a one-off Is that real? No. You don't think it's real? I don't think that's real in the face.

I wanted to be real. It's the object in session, which pushes it out. It's not real to me. It does happen, Henry. It's out there. I know. Whether you like it or not. No. You're in London, mate. You're never more than six metres away from someone inserting an object into some way they shouldn't, and calling an ambulance. Yeah.

So I'm going to say, Tom, if that was real, what a nice thing to happen, what a funny thing to happen. I buy it. And if it wasn't real, up yours. Yeah. It's got me. It's one of the other, isn't it? I'm going to say thanks, Tom.

I'm going to do that. Yeah, I'm going to swallow that hookline and sinker. The way we can find out if this is real is if the object and searcher is listening, because the object and searcher turns out to be a listener with this podcast, right? Yeah. So if you, that's the point. Inserting objects inside yourself to the extent that you need to score an ambulance and the call handler said, Pompadoo to you, do get in touch. Perhaps you can even get a free of information request and get the transcript or recording of that phone call. Even better. And let's know how it went in terms of

the yeah. Okay, final quick email. This is from Barry. This refers to when you were talking about having a Scottish breakfast Henry. I had a lawn sausage. Seven of them. Yes. Barry writes high beans just a quick one. I'd never heard the phrase lawn sausages before this episode He has spelt it lawn as an L.A. W. N. Yeah, yes, and he says and it really sounds like a euphemism for turds Thank you. It's time to pay the ferry money. Patreon.com 4Sache 3D Salad Thanks to everyone who signed up on our Patreon. Thank you.

It's the place to get ad free episodes. It's the place to get our monthly bonus episode. And also if you sign up at the Sean Bean Tier, you've got a shout out from Mike in the Sean Bean Lounge. You sure do. It was a bit of a weird one. Wasn't it the Sean Bean Lounge last night? Actually, it made, it was on the BBC News website last night, can you say it briefly?

Oh, yeah. What's that? That somehow, what somehow 100 dogs got in. Is that right? That's right. Thank you. And here's my report. 100 dogs got into the Sean Bean lounge last night, and not a moment too soon, as Ben Wilson was locked

in a fight to the death in the food waste games complex with a super-henge fox. The fox fled in terror, and Ben was circled back to health by a heavily pregnant rockwiler. Owen Walsh, profited less by the influx, and was trampled to death by not 98, not 99, but by one Chihuahua. A process which took almost 14 hours and which Jennifer Davis had the presence of mine to capture with timelapse photography.

Frank Popham, Chris Smith and Mickey McKay reacted to the crisis with the age-old tactic of panic, all three pledged allegiance to the dogs and inserted themselves without hesitation into Sean Beane's compressed meat biscuit maker. Similarly, Carl Dracoggek, Stephen Taelby and Martin Frisk immediately opted for the if you can't beat them, join them strategy, and rolled in a cow pat before eating a chair egg and wiping their asses on a freshly laid burba carpet. Ellie best attempted to escape the lounge disguised as a pomeranian, but didn't realize that Tori Vaz and Thomas A had already summoned the dog catcher. Ellie was promptly captured, denounced, and adopted by a family in Chopshire.

Sebastian Penner had made the unfortunate choice to come to the lounge in his special high days and holidays faux-faux-faux-frock coat, was mistaken for a humongous squirrel and chased up a seven-foot rubber plant by a squad of Yorky puses with poor impulse control. Evasion tactics varied in style and efficacy. Catlin Hanrahann attempted to evade the mob by running in zigzags, Stephanie A. Bean punched a model rubber shark in the nose, Caitlin Bray played dead, Sally Milner surrounded herself with a ring of fire and accidentally summoned the Necromancer, who wasted a spell trying to lacerate Caitlin Bray and is now pursuing damages. Sophie masqueraded as a dead leaf.

Joseph Higgins disguised himself as Olly in disguises of very noisy vacuum cleaner. Matt Atkinson released a toxic mucus, and Kinsey Smith couldn't remember if you should go for full eye contact or no eye contact, Dithid settled on poor eye contact and was befriended by an emotional support accent. Luke John was utterly entranced by the beauty and nobility of a three-year-old wire-haired visualer and was inspired to take his vows as a bean munk. Thearalf taught an underconfident beach on freeze to howl and Jonathan Pillbeam, how to skateboard on all fours, Sarah Jones and Mark Lane were so distracted giving tummy tickles to a 17-week-old Labrador puppy named Kiki that they felt a notice a bassit-hound breaking into Sean Bean's private shoe depository

and pissing in his penny loafers, an offense needlessly repeated by Matthew Bishop. Precisely how the dog's got in was hard to establish. Kate Gould accused Ben Elga of replacing the Lino in the front hall with cheese slices. This was found to be true, but unrelated. A rumor was spread by Jamezi IV that Cheryl Bowsfield had borrowed the bean-lounge front door last weekend to impress a visiting aunt and had failed to replace it. Sam, the chemist blamed the late Prince Philip. Shane Nichols reckoned the gates of hell had been opened and spilled fourth the dogs before going on to claim that he knew a locksmith that could sort that out, but that he'd be

pricey and cash-only and we ought to do a whip-round and he'd look after the cash. Vicki Lee of the Clan Bommily brackets Happy Birthday claimed she'd seen a queen dog down the road from the lounge and suggested it must have begun birthing drones. This being felt to be the most likely explanation, Hannah Kirk and Jesse Ross donned their dog keeping suits primed their smokers and set forth with the intention of subduing the Queen dog before rehousing it in Derby. Thanks all. Right, that's the episode. And Henry's got to do a plug. What that means is we keep saying, or Henry, never get to do a plug and he says, can I do it later? Because he's not very good at plugging, is

our Henry? No, that's... Well, the thing thing is I've got two books coming out. I've got a kids book and an adult book. Well, they can handle both. They'll be interested. Okay. I've got two books coming out that I've illustrated. One is a kids book with Adam Kay.

It's called K's Incredible Inventions. Excellent. When's that out? Soon. You can pre-order it today. Nice. On the internet. Yeah. You can pre-order it today. Nice. On the internet. Yeah. Let me plug it for you then, seeing as you're better.

OK. You and Adam Kaye. Adam Kaye is a former doctor who's become quite famous for writing books about being a doctor and also about the body and things for kids and learning about ourselves and all that kind of stuff, the amazing books. Very good. You are his illustrator. or maybe he's your writer,

spending which way? Oh, yeah. Either way, it's good, yeah. And he's done a few of them, and they're all really good. And kids love them. Thank you very much. Absolutely love them. They really do.

I tell you what, they're actually good for kids of all ages and sizes, except for blow seven, and a pen above 12, ideally. There they are, though. And what's this one about? It's called Case Incredible Inventions, and it's about inventors and inventions and are, though. And what's this fun about? It's called case incredible inventions, and it's about inventors and inventions and stuff, though. You know? So it's not necessarily medical anymore.

It's branched out. No, it's moved away from the medicinal world. It's good fun, and it's, yeah, it's a- We shall certainly be getting a copy in this household. It's a brilliant book by him, and I've done my best with my humble little doughdolls. Oh, shut up. Yeah, anyway, it'll be brilliant.

What's the other one? The other one, the other one is Joe Wilkinson, my autobiography. And that's nothing to do with Adam Kaye, which I've illustrated. It's got nothing to do with Adam Kaye. It's the comedian Joe Wilkinson. Very good.

Brindley comedian. Also podcasting. Yeah, chatty bicks. Chatty bicks. And which I'm going to be on soon. Are you really? Nice. Yeah, next week. Can you spendty bicks, which I'm going to be on soon. You really? Nice. Yeah, next week.

Can you spend 80% of the time on that podcast, plugging in this podcast? I'll try to. Yeah, so it's essentially, it's like a graphic novel almost. It's an entirely comic book autobiography. And you've done all the... I do work as an illustrator by me. Amazing.

And it's very sort of very silly surreal sort of stories. Does Brilliant. Available early November, is it? That might be available for pre-ordinal. No. Tell us the title again. It's called Joe Wilkinson, My Autobiography. And yeah, get those perfect Christmas presents.

Can I get my plug-in? You've got to plug as well. Get your plug-in. Yeah. I'm selling jams around my local area. So if you see a guy with a big wicker basket, brimming with jams, are you doing any savory preserves or you're just keeping it sweet this time? Some of the jams didn't work out that well. I've relabeled them as savory preserves. And Mike, you're time for your plug? I've invented a new type of trouser. Ah, it's high time someone can't put any type of trouser.

Yeah, so it's not a gene, it's not a chino. Oh, it's genos. It's genos. That's right. Genos. Shit, good idea. So all the benefit of a gene, and none of the drawbacks of a genie. Exactly. And the other way around.

Okay, that's the show. We'll finish, of course, on the end of the series. Word. Unbelievable. We'll be back in December for the Christmas theme shows. Yes, the Christmas season. We always love a Christmas season. Isn't it? We're going to do eight. We're going to do eight Christmas shows as usual.

And we'll finish, of course, with the version of our theme tune by one of you. Now, it's not actually going to be our theme tune, but we were sent this this week and I loved it so much I want to finish the season on it. Do you mind if I slightly play with the format? Do it. So Mimi writes, hello, dear Beans, full of hubris, I decided to translate the blue bell jingle into French. Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. So yeah, so I think I wanted to, it's so, I got it. It came through. It was so good that I was like, we have to finish the series on this.

I mean, it makes sense as well. Doesn't it? In fact, why wasn't it in French in the first place? That's a good point. It feels so right. It really does work. It really does work. Maybe it's crossed the season. The eyes for us. Thank you, Mimi. Yeah. And see you all in December. Le pain, le pain Tous ces gentils et sages Le pain, le pain, le pain Plédé de courage Le pain, c'est une châte Elle est sans volet Une étoile, un peu luchesse Et les sains volent la nuit de toi,

et les pollutions Plac'ing est stylé T'aoutes cuiré Et les joyeurs Blue bed, blue bed, blue bed, blue bed, blue bed, blue bed, blue bed, blue bed, blue bed.