Three Bean Salad - Swords

Episode Date: July 27, 2022

For the final episode of Season 5 Maddie of the USA hurls the beans towards the hot topic of swords. The Great Ham Cultures feature heavily, the lid is lifted on the art of car servicing and you’d better believe they cover hot pebbles (about ruddy time). The beans will return in September, fresh of face and fleet of professionally medicated foot.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladLivestream tickets for our show in September: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/online-three-bean-salad/Get in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

Henry, in the opening of last week's episode, you put down a tantalising question. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Would you end up in next door's pool during the heat wave? Oh, I thought it was going to be the one about what would I podcast with my top off? I think we actually edited that bit out.

So that's okay, so that's not going to mean anything. But you are fully clothed just for the record. That's too triggering. Too triggering. Had to go. That's patron only. So the heat wave has been gone.

So what happened, Henry? Did you do just one dive? No, I didn't. I didn't in the end. You know what? I could actually, I could get out of my window. I could walk along a little bit of ledge on top of a wall, which I've seen downstairs as cat to quite a few times.

I could shimmy on up. I could actually jump into their pool, but it would feel definitely feel like a fool's errand. No, we didn't, we didn't take them up on it, which potentially is a little bit awkward, but I think we're going to solve this one the British way. I think they're thrilled on me. I think they've come out of it smelling of roses because they've

given you an offer that they didn't want you to take up. That's true. I mean, they've come out of it smelling, smelling of whatever you smell like when you come out of that fetid, hot mug of fetid casserole. That bacterial casserole. They've got my bubbling away. And the crotch of a Tasmanian devil.

If you're lucky. Yes, I suppose it has worked out. Well, it's worked out the British way, which is we're not going to, we're not going to ever mention it again. They're never going to mention it again. Yeah. But no, you're right. They've made the offer.

We didn't accept it. We didn't even know. I said, thanks for the offer. Um, I'll think about it. And I suppose technically I'm still thinking about it and we'll carry on thinking about it until, uh, until the sun swallows the earth. Yeah, exactly.

Although to, although just before that happens up, we think fuck, I really would rather be in that mug right now. Mike, how did you, uh, weather the extreme heat? Just with a stiff upper lip, stiff upper lip, total inactivity. Yeah. And, uh, straw trillby. I also had a straw trillby. Yeah.

Yeah. Hang on. I think I had a straw trillby. I pulled out my straw. You know how it is. I pulled out my straw trillby that I haven't used for several years and could barely, could barely get into it. I think, well, that's your 40s for you, isn't it?

Right there. That's your bloody 40s. Yeah. I mean, you have to loosen the strap. I, well, I better sort of push and pull it up and down to try and kind of get it on. Yeah. Well, did you soak in orange juice first?

I forgot to soak in orange juice. Is that going to loosen the weft of the, of the straw? I've Googled it since, obviously. Yeah. Also, I kind of, the inner lining of it got sort of prolapsed out, if you know what I mean. So the inner lining was sitting down over my forehead. Yeah.

Well, the hat was, was, that was on high. You know, I don't know what's happened. My head, my head does seem to have got bigger over the last couple of years. My head from, from the eyes up, just that section. Cause that isn't the section which traditionally you put weight on. I don't think is it four heads? No, you're unusual in that regard. And it's something Ben and I often talked about behind your back, but yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Well, I mean, it's known that I've got a long head. Have we discussed this before? Long head and a flabby brow. Those often go hand in hand. I've got a long head. So all that means is when I'm looking at you from the front, things seem roughly in order.

But if I was talking to you and then something happened on my left and I looked, I then went into profile, what you'll see is, and thank you for, you've got, you're concealing your gasps. I appreciate it. Yeah. Well, we've seen this before. This is why there are strict gun laws in this country. Because if we were armed, we'd have shot you down on site.

Yeah. Just, just on instinct. Yeah. And you'd have a hell of a target to aim at as well. Um, because when I, when I turned to look at the left, the distance from nose to, what do you call the back of the skull? The bit you're pointing out is your occiput. You what?

That's his occiput. Is that a mystical land where Gulliver went? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you not know that? Oxyput. Yeah. Well, all the occiputians live. But you're not wondering why it's so itchy on the back of your head sometimes.

It's a little occiputian. You've got a small city there, Henry. Oh, shit. So I, so yeah, from, from front of nose to back to rear of occiput, I'm unusually long. So for example, picture the famous alien from the Ridley Scott film, Alien, or any of the sequels. It's that long front. Yeah. The rear of head.

See, I was more picturing the meekon. Yes, that's another one. Yeah. It's another good sci-fi reference. And I'm not going to say horse. But. Shate horse. Horse.

Shate horse. Um, horse's head, do you mean, or whole horse? Uh, yeah, well, just head, just head. Horse's head, yeah. So front, or it's a bit like the shape of a tic-tac, a massive fleshy tic-tac. A bit like the, the art for this podcast, the kind of bean version of your head. Oh, exactly. It's basically just an exact copy of your head's self-portrait.

Exactly. It was a self-portrait. So, so yeah, that might count for why I had to stretch that hat a lot. So yeah, maybe, yeah, so we talk about the, how we all dealt with the weather. What was your process, Ben? Solero based? I had a couple of Soleros, of course. I went to that, went to a pool, which was a really good idea.

I went to Pontypread Lido, which I've been going to quite a lot recently to, um, I love a Lido, just maintain my figure, really, my, you know. Keep it exactly where it is. Yeah, just, just to, because you don't want to change. You don't want this to change. Yeah, just podgey with thin arms. That's what I'm after. Yeah, well, you don't, podgey with thin arms.

Yeah, you don't want to lose your sponsorship deals, do you? No, with, with the avocado people. Well, um, yeah, you want to, essentially, you want to look like a, um, a big lump of ice cream with two, um, two toothpicks sticking out. Yeah, yeah, or E.T. E.T. after a binge. A kind of puffy, slightly puffy, hungover E.T. Or a bit like, you know, like an old 1950s television.

Yeah. There's a two little aerials sticking at the top. Exactly. That's, that should be, you know, the, the aerials are your arms if you were waving. Well, so a boxy wooden body. Has to be a bit more, has to be physically plugged into a wall. Yeah, to operate. And then delivering news about the series crisis.

But with that nice old world feeling about it, quite soft, not like this new technology that's all white and clean edges, like big walnuts. Yeah. And he crackles if you go too near him, if you touch him on his face, he crackles. Throwing out radiation. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So I've been going quite a lot recently to Pontypeed Lido, one of the best places in the world. And I normally swim in the slow lane because I like to take it easy. We don't want that body changing to exactly, you want to keep it. Well, exactly. And also, you know, I'm no Michael Phelps and, uh, I wish that room would go away. I'm pleased to hear this, Ben. I'm a big admirer of people who stick to lane etiquette.

Well, this is, this is what I'm going to tell you about. So normally I'm in the slow lane. Yeah. It's me and like some old ladies. So you're in the, you're in the purple rinse gang. Yeah. And do you, you've got, um, you've got an arm movement now, isn't it? Which is the equivalent, for the old ladies, the equivalent of what certain

road users use, which is you can overtake, you put your arm and you just go overtake like that, overtake. I just let them go by. Yeah, so let them go by. Yeah, you're on your, you're right. Go for it. On you go, love. Yep.

On you go. Yeah. I've got some problems. I can't get it out a third for some reason. I need to get to the top. So anyway, normally it's fine, but these old women were like very slow. Okay. Okay.

And I, so I sort of sped up behind them and I was, I was like, I'm really working these old ladies, right? I was getting them. I was like a pacemaker from behind. I was chasing them. It was like they're being chased by a shark. They were your water huskies. Exactly.

Were you in their slipstream actually? They're probably benefiting from that. Oh yeah. It's an old trick actually, isn't it? You can basically just sort of lie down and be pulled along by old ladies swimming. And then slingshot yourself to the far end. And I was thinking to myself, I'm doing them a bit of a service here. I'm, you know, they've come just, I'm, I'm working these ladies.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Their cardiovascular health is going to be excellent after this. Yeah. I did a couple of laps and yeah, it was quite a good fun. And then one of the other women, we got to the end, one of the old women turned round and looked at me with like fear, a mix of fear, exhaustion, or maybe yeah.

Yeah. And just said, you need to go in the medium lane. Oh wow. What a moment. That's so, it's so rare that anyone tells anyone else to get in a different lane, even when it's clearly, it's clear as day that that should happen. You must have worked so hard. We got through rationing, but this is, this is like nothing we've ever faced.

You have to go in the medium lane. The minus strikes were nothing. They were gone from her memory. We've seen whole communities destroyed by that show. And we never told her to go in the medium lane. Oh, Ben. Yeah. And then I moved up and got absolutely beasted them because the pace was

much too great in the medium lane. So you're a between, you don't, you're sort of between lanes really. You don't really have a lane that's quite right. I think they were too slow even to be in the lane bit. They should have been in like the kids bit, just floating. So we are aware of the fact that they were really like. Yeah, but I thought, I thought they were enjoying it. I thought they were like, I was, I thought I was basically a personal trainer.

You thought you were like a personal trainer, right, in motivating them. Yeah. Well, that's a lot of sort of, a lot of the most despotic world leaders have have in the past also tricked themselves into believing that they're doing this for some sort of grace and good. Yeah, you can fool yourself. Hi, I'm Bonderman. Bonderman's back.

Okay, this week's theme, as sent in by Maddie in the USA, thank you, Maddie, is swords, swords. I was in somewhere quite recently. I went to Toledo in Spain for a wedding. Ah, old school friend of mine. He moved to Spain, fell in love with a Spaniard and has never looked back. Good man. But the wedding was in Toledo.

They've ever been there? Where is it? I don't think so. It's just a bit about like an hour's drive south of Madrid. No, definitely not. Quite a very old city. It might have even been the capital once, but it's one of these places where you go and literally every other shop in the city sells swords.

I've never been to any place like that. It's extraordinary. Wow. No exaggeration. A huge, they're very into their Damocene steel. I mean, if you want to pick up like a nine foot broad sword, it's a piece of piss in Toledo. What's Damocene steel?

It's Damascus. Yeah. Oh, wow. Well, that's God. At least that's what they're saying. They're into it big time. There's lots of sort of crusader based impulse purchases and, you know, Curios and souvenirs as well.

They're really into that. It's in the supermarket. You can get that here. Curved sword. You can get a scimitar. Yeah. And a crusader helmet key ring. And a walking map to the Holy Land.

Exactly. So why so that you can display it in your home? Is that a thing? I assume so. I didn't. I mean, I didn't see any signs up about broad sword fighting clubs or anything like that. Not that I mean, I don't think my Spanish would be up to that anyway.

To be fair, maybe that's a thing. I didn't see any live sword fights. I didn't see anyone selling scabbards either. That's a thing. There were definitely certainly wall mountings for sale. But no scabbards. So I didn't see anyone wearing a sword. Okay.

So are they, the question is, are these the equivalent of live? Are they sort of, are they loaded in a way? Do you mean, are they, are they blunted? They were selling them as the real deal. Yeah. So they weren't like kind of plastic swords and they were full blown, you know, big old metal sharp things that you could. And did you, did you hold one and wheeled it a bit and get yourself these?

No, I didn't. I didn't fancy it much. And I assume that, I assume until later that the context these swords are mainly used in is skewering huge hams. And then presenting them at a feast. But they did have, it was a city also, beautiful hams, of course. Yeah, of course. And I think I sent you a picture while I was there of a mega ham outside.

You did? One shot. Yeah, that was extraordinary. I, I was worried it wasn't real because it was taller than me. And so I didn't touch it just in case it wasn't. Because I wanted to, to believe in that hams and wanted to believe it somewhere. And so there was a pig with a leg as big as a man.

They're rearing those pigs. Yeah. So I didn't, I didn't, I should have maybe I should have, I didn't buy you presents. I should have got, I should have got you both a little, little sword, sort of bean sword or something. Or a big sword. Or a big sword. Yeah.

Or just any sort of ham, Mike. Come on, mate. Cause it is one of the great ham cultures, isn't it? It's true. I just bought a straw trilby. Full of ham? Of course it comes full of ham. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, everything is, they use ham there for everything. Like, for example, if you buy a rucksack there, instead of stuffing it with newspaper, it'll just be stuffed with ham, you know, to keep it shape. Yeah. Of course. And so that, so that you already have a ham in that you were going to carry in, in

the first place. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. So you're ready to go. So it comes with what you put in anyway. So you can say to them, but you can say to them. So do you mind if I'm just trying out this rucksack?

Do you mind if I remove the display ham that you've got into stuff it in and put the actual ham that I'd be carrying around, which I've got in my current rucksack? My family ham. Yeah. My ancestral ham, which obviously, you know, my ham diary, yeah, because I'm going to, I'm going to christening this weekend and the current rucksack is, it's looking a bit frayed around the edges and need a smart rucksack. Exactly.

And of course, we're going to wet the baby's head with ham. Yeah. Yeah. And obviously in those, in those Latinate cultures, you're always going to christening on the weekend. So yeah. Normally you'd point out if you're not going to christening on the weekend, but it's so it's assumed that you're going to christening on the weekend.

So it's assumed that you'll need the ham. It's de rigueur, isn't it? It is de rigueur. And obviously the, the baby will be wearing a lovely little ham plows. And they don't cry, do they? They don't, they laugh as they're dipped into the ham font. They do. Yeah.

Well, they laugh and chomp. They laugh and chomp. It's very moving. Yeah. But I think I wonder if the great ham cultures, because I think there's three great, I think about it, three great ham cultures of the world, Spain, Italy and the north of England. Right.

Apologies to any, any, any, any Deutsch hamists out there who might, might have thought they were in the top three, but that's often the way it, or any Wiltshire ham farmers in this country. For the Germans, I would say middle, middle and eastern European hams are more of a, it's a gray area. We've discussed this on the podcast before. To what extent is it, it's a sausage world. It's a, it's a sliced sausage.

It's a huge sausage or a very big sausage. It's been sliced very thinly. Does that make it a ham? Is that for debate? Did I mean, whereas if you take the maximum version of a British ham, is a pig leg, isn't it? You expand, you know. Well, no, I don't think, I think in Spain, it's a pig leg.

If you expand a British ham, that meat has been mechanically sort of retrieved from the ham fact, from the ham factory. It's a floor of a discarded cubes. Yeah. It's a fact lunch from the factory workers. It's an, it's an old band, sandblasting meat. Off a spine. Yeah.

That's what, that's what British ham is filled out with a little bit of Lido water. By an old lady who's exhausted from being overworked by Benjamin Park. I did collect it. Is it pressure, is it pressure hosed off a pig spine? Yeah, it's pressure hosed. Yeah, it's all pressure hosing. Okay.

Whereas in Italian or a Spanish ham, expand it out. You've got a pig leg. Yeah. It's done with consent. The pigs in on it, the pigs often suggested it. Well, it is the pig's destiny. It's the greatest destiny it can achieve. Yeah.

The most respected pig is a one-legged pig, or even a no-legged pig. Exactly. The breathing sausage. What a German would call a sausage with a face, exactly. Yeah, and that's why obviously the Spanish and Italian versions of Peppa Pig, all those episodes end differently, which is. Well, they're very disturbing for British children to watch, but yeah. So, be careful, if you're on holiday in Spain, stick to the British...

Hola, señor pig. Adiós, señor hambo. Tati, why are they force-feeding pepper all those acorns? So, yeah, we can't stress this enough. If you're going on holiday to Spain already, take the DVDs with you. Better still, just stick to watching BBC News. Don't get on, though, and don't be watching the local... Don't leave your hotel.

You can avoid it. Don't leave the hotel, because this extends to all the Peppa Pig merchandise. It'll be on the Spanish balloons. There'll be leg-shaped balloons. There'll be Peppa Pig's leg-shaped balloons. There'll be a Peppa Pig parade down the high streets, probably. With a gruesome end at the city hall.

People being chased down the street by a legless pig. And you don't want to have this conversation. You don't want to have this conversation with your child, which is. Where's the Peppa Pig float? Well, the thing is, I'm afraid, darling, is that a pepper is actually on seven floats. And you're eating one of them? Yeah, just be warned.

But no, to bring us back to sort of... I was wondering if it's true that the three great ham cultures are also the three great sword cultures. And if there's a... No, this is good. This is PhD-level stuff, Henry. Because obviously... How long have you been working on this?

Have you been working on it for as long as we suspect you've been working on it? You know what? Almost bang on the same time you're suspecting. God. But what I was wondering is, because obviously Spain, as we know from what Mike's been saying, is a sword culture. It's got a town where every other shop is a sword shop. Antonio Banderas is a sword guy.

Yeah. Is he a sword guy? Well, Zorro. He knows one end of a sword from the other, for sure. Yeah. Zorro. Is Zorro Spanish? I think he's Hispanic.

Okay. But of the Americas, isn't he? Oh, okay. I don't know. Oh, is he? Oh, is he Central America? Is he? No.

He's not Central American. Zorro is set in Los Angeles. Is it? I think it was like... I thought it was like in the kind of Three Musketeers universe. I was assumed it was kind of cowboy world. Oh, yeah, I've got that totally wrong. It's more like sort of sword versus pistol.

Okay. Hang on. I've looked it up. It is set in Pueblo de Los Angeles, which is what was in Los Angeles before they, you know, did the cinemas and all that. Yeah. Okay. And he's Spanish.

There we go. Thank you, Ben. That saved us a bollocking or two, didn't it? Yeah, that's good. That's more evidence that it's a sword culture. Italy is definitely a sword culture because of the Romans. Picture a Roman soldier. What's the first thing you picture?

Helmet, small dress, leather jerkin, breastplate. Then, trusty sword. You know, they can carry the swords. Quite short, stubby little. It's a, well, it's a kind of, it's a sword with no honor, isn't it? It's just a hard, it's a quick hard stab, hard stab, dead move on. You know, the Roman army were absolutely brutal. It's a thrusting bastard sword.

It's a thrusting bastard. It's not about honor. This was forged, John. This was forged by a greater, greater, greater grandfather. And the Romans really had off. Disposable. Don't care, throw away, get a new one. Don't care who forged it, mate.

We're stabbing it. We're taking it down. Honestly, it's not an issue for us. We're taking your hand backpack and moving on. We're putting on the straps. They're adjustable. Yep. It's actually nice.

On we go. And then obviously in the north of England, you've got these are the swords of my people. The Sean Bean swords. We've got the Sean Bean swords. The white rose, the red rose. Exactly. We've also got sword in the stone and all that.

That's all brin, isn't it? Is it Camelot? Oh yeah. It's probably off. We've got in trouble about this before though, haven't we? We have, yeah. The location of Camelot. So what is the link between the swords and the hams there?

Good point. So were they initially forged to cut ham, essentially? I think that's what we're looking at, isn't it? Or were the hams harvested to feed the swordsmiths? To feed the hungry swordsmiths. Which way around did it go? And maybe they needed a snack they could eat while testing a sword. Well, you've got either a human arm or that's not ideal.

So test it out on cutting a pig's leg off. This pig's leg is roughly the same texture and consistency as a human leg. So I've tested out where I can kill a human and stick that to hang that up to dry for two and a half months. I got myself a ham. I think, Kendra, you might have left out a sword culture because I know, I know, I have, I know, this is a big one, Japan. Oh, I was going to say another one.

But yes, Japan. There's a lot of sword culture left out here. Well, I always think when people have sword fights, they say on guard, which of course is French. Yeah, that's great. That's a key. Well, it's also not a bad ham culture, is it? No, no, it's not really a...

I don't know if it's... Because you think Serrano ham, you think Parma ham, and you think Yorkshire ham, don't you? I think Wayford, Wayford then Iceland, Packeted ham. Wayford then Iceland, Packeted ham. Yeah, you don't have like Ren ham or... Yeah, you don't have Grenoble ham. So on guard, that's quite fancy, isn't it? Fencing.

I would, I've never been fencing. I think it would suit me. It would suit you. Oh, that's a big, that's a big call, mate. I've often thought of a fencing club open just around the corner. I'd be there like a shot. Oh, you would. I tell you what's good about fencing as a hobby is,

or at least it's very good in, you know, quite often in like films and dramas and stuff. Yeah. Also, especially regional detective kind of stuff, I'd say. A lot of the time, the detective is just having to go around and talk to a bunch of people and interview them about the case, and it's quite boring setup. So what they like to do is have someone finish doing something. And just take off the helmet. Exactly, at the beginning of the scene.

And I think fencing is a really good one. Because like, yeah, we need to go and speak to Albert. Yeah. The accountant to work out financially, how could the murderer have, you know, could he have financed this crime league, you know, it's quite... Yeah, they've been able to tidy up the dialogue later on. Yeah, as a placeholder, yeah, sure. What's this VAT truck?

Because as we know, most criminals get caught because of VAT. I mean, we know that. Yeah, it happened to, it happened to, what's he called? The faint bone? Al Capone and all the others for a moment. You know, they mostly get done on tax, it's quite boring, but it's because how most criminals get done, that's hard to dramatize. Yeah, that's why they never caught Jack the Ripper, because VAT hadn't been invented.

It hadn't been invented, exactly. So who is it of catching the criminal are VAT fraud, you know, or you mic them up as part of a documentary, they go to the toilet and go, you killed them all, rabbit. The second very rarely, very rarely pull that off because the mics are expensive. And so you want to take the mic back off from you don't lose the mic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I, I, for one, have never verbally confessed to any of my own crimes while while while in the toilet, because I've got, frankly, I've got bigger fish to fry.

Do you mean I don't find it time to reflect over my past into something? Yeah, you've got to finish that Sudoku. I've got a Sudoku to do, man. There's a Bond film, isn't there? When is it Madonna? Fences with Bond. There's a bond. Usually in a sort of needlessly wood-paneled room, rather, it's never down the local leisure centre, right?

No, it hasn't been that they've just taken down the badminton nets, you know, to the fencing club, could use the space for an hour. Yeah, no, no, there's like deer, deer heads on the wall and kind of ancient Japanese freezes. The other thing is it's short hand. In fact, it goes from type of character, doesn't it? It's short hand for, again, in detective dramas, you've only really got a sand full of different types of person. Guilty looking vicar, yeah. Guilty looking vicar, Krusty Kernel.

Yeah, sociopathic, enormously rich local entrepreneur bastard. Yeah, he has a drop-top car. Really fave sculptress who wears very, very floaty clothes and is surrounded by sort of bits of half-finished sculpture and stuff. Embittered academic, oh yeah, that's a good one. And increasingly, hovering Japanese pony. Yeah, which is something that a lot of the streamers are now bringing in for the younger audience. And often it's a bit jarring, that scene. The live Japanese pinata.

Yeah, it used to be there'd just be a full-lipped, beautiful young mechanic, but it's what he's got rid of and now it's the floating horse, yeah. Yeah, yeah, and the local aristocrat, essentially, that was another of them. Yeah. You see, what you want is a quick thing to establish all these people. So, for example, the Krusty Kernel, he will be drunk shooting, I think. What are they called? A pigeon-shooting, that kind of thing. Yeah, he'll be shooting into a hay bale in his study, potentially, just to show that.

Drinking out of a handmade wooden globe. Possibly polishing an old tank in his front garden. He'll have a Batman, but not in the usual sense. What do you mean by that? Well, like I said, a sort of general factotum, valet type. Yeah, yeah. So, I always see, I see, I see, yeah. And the, yeah, the eccentric artists will be sort of putting their finishing touches to it,

because what you need is that last action to open the scene. The floating horse will be powering up, of course. Yeah. Yeah. The floating horse will be sort of pulsating as it charges. Yeah. And you go, wow, wow, wow. And occasionally doing a little giggle, a little giggle.

So, you go, wow, wow. Yeah. And as it does a little giggle, little rainbows will come out of its mouth and disappear. Then it descends to talk to the detective and puts on a little, either puts on a robe or just has a little towel around its neck. Yeah, exactly, yeah. Which looks, it looks delightful to be there. The, the frustrated novelist will be clickety-clacketing away

on an old-fashioned typewriter, and will probably do something like tear off a page, scrumple it up and chuck it in a bin, and go, oh, this latest novel is absolute murder to write. That kind of thing. Yeah, that sort of thing. Well, I've, I've, I've been working at it for weeks. I just can't get a good stab at it.

Would you wait a moment? I've got a call from my publisher's red herring papers. Also, the, well, quite a good one is someone, if anyone who's got a sort of mechanical job will be, will be sort of wiping themselves down and wiping oil off their arms. Yeah. Quite often they'll pop out.

This is why this is an image we've all seen thousands of times. We don't really know why. It's someone popping out from under a car. Yeah. On a skateboard. On a skateboard. Those are not used. I've been to garages. They don't, they don't, they don't exist.

You've never tripped off on a skateboard that was lying on the floor of a quick fit. Exactly. What happens is they, they, they hoist the car up. And if anything, it's the opposite. I went to it because I was in the Halfords recently. Hang on, what's the opposite of coming out from the bottom of the car on the skateboard?

They get on top of it. They hoisted up and then they get on top. They try and jump over it. On skis. You've got a little trampoline. It's ski out of the sun roof, huh? The car is flipped on its, on its back. Like a, like a tortoise.

Like a tortoise or a wriggling beetle with no wings. Otherwise it might run away. Yeah. It's the only way to truly, truly disable a car. Otherwise it'll, Handbrake is not enough. It's natural instincts will make it drive off. Yeah. So that was invented.

That whole thing was invented to start scenes. It's difficult to start a scene, especially in a regional detective drama. They're inherently boring. It's VAT crime. It's going, talking to one person after another and very, very boring. You need to get those starts, those scenes off.

How do you start a scene with a mechanic? Getting them on a skateboard. It's a crazy idea. Why the fuck not? Just dolly him out from under the car. And it's, he basically uses basic human psychology. It's the first game we all play, which is can you see someone's face?

No, I can't. Yes, I can. That's hilarious. It's the basis of all... It's the basis of all people. It's, yeah. It's the basis of all culture, I've probably, because I've met a lot of babies in my life.

They all love it. You hide your face and you pop your face out. Yeah. Yeah. And that's what's happening with the mechanic. You pops his face out. He plays people who makes a detective laugh, detective relaxes, crosses the wall of the list. Yeah.

Yeah. He's feeling detective using the airplane system, isn't he? Mash banana. And it's only on his way home and the car, the detective thinks, I've been played. Wait a minute. Wait a minute, I've got a big,

yellow bow on my forehead. I've been played. So then, and fencing works really well for this, again, because it's got the people element, isn't it? Which is you take the mask off, great start to a scene. Conceal the face, see the face. It's quite high status for your high status bastard character.

High status bastard. You've got him in a nice outfit. Mike's gonna look bloody great in that. Mike can do a great thing, which is when he takes his head out of a helmet or anything, he does this thing where he shakes his moustache around. And it's a nice opportunity to use slow-mo, potentially, because the moustache,

it's a bit like a seeing enemy, isn't it? It kind of waves around. It catches the air. Yeah, catches the life. Beads of sweat fly off it. Beads of sweat, as he shakes his head left and right, like a dog. Like a dog in a, it's just been in a pond, isn't it?

It's like a wet dog's arse, yeah. It's like a wet dog's arse. You've got just flecks all over the place. And then what's good is the scene can start. Another thing that's quite good is the scene can start with some other people in the background, still fencing sometimes. So as you're talking in the background.

If you've got the background after this budget. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And usually people who aren't, who have never been anywhere near a fencing club in their lives. Yeah, exactly. So it's extras.

And often it'll be children, because as we've discussed before, perspective-wise, it'll generally be small people like in Casablanca, isn't it? So it looks like it's a bigger room than it is. Like, exactly. Like in that final, that's true, actually, the final scene in Casablanca.

You know when they're on the airport strip. Here we go. Right. When they're on the airstrip in Casablanca, you can almost hear the bollocking jingle in my head as you're saying it. But the, you know, the Hill of Beans, the famous speech at the end.

Yeah. Listener bollocking. Don't lose confidence, Henry. And Humphrey Bogart basically says, look, he says it's more important that you and Victor Laszlo, you help him with his work to defeat the Nazis and leave me and Rick's bar. I'm going to eat this Hill of Beans,

is that what he says? I've got to, I've just ordered a Hill of Beans. It's a sharing, I thought you were sticking around, but don't worry about it. It's a sharing butter, but I reckon I can do it. Sam will finish his set soon in a minute. He quite likes a Hill of Beans as well. We'll get, we'll tuck in.

Don't worry about it. And also it's, because it's a Hill of Beans, it's got a big, big surface area. It's getting cold quite fast, so if you could just... Let's wrap it up. Yeah, if we could wrap this up, because I should have ordered a bowl of beans, but it'd be much clever.

It's got melted cheese on it, I asked them to put the melted cheese on it, and that's not going to be very nice when it gets really cold, so. So it looks like a snowy mountain cap. I'm only in the foothills at this point. I haven't had a cap all so far. And peaking seems like an absolute,

a distant prospect at this point, but I do want to peek before bedtime, if at all possible. A summit, is it? I want to summit. Yeah, I think summit is the verb. The point is that in that scene, there was a baby dressed up as an aeroplane

in the background. They couldn't afford an actual aeroplane. Painted a baby gray. They painted a baby gray. No, there's two mechanics working on the plane, and apparently they are, I think, children, or very, very short people. So they use that for the perspective.

Sorry, I'm really sorry, I've gone off on one, but the point is, for fencing and swords, that they're quite good in that respect, aren't they? We don't remember what respect there was, but I'm happy to agree. I've got a friend who does fencing. Really? I've looked it up.

Which time does she do? Which time? Type. There's three swords. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How is that? I've looked it up once. It must have been during an Olympics,

because I definitely got into watching it a bit. Can I say, before, I bet they've got names like, you can either choose Radiccio. Is one called an Epinard? Is that a thing? Epinard, Radiccio. Or Epinard sounds right. Is it?

I can know, because it's the physics. Foil, maybe? Maybe one. Saber is definitely one of them. Okay, I was thinking it's the sword cultures. I see. Epinard, Radiccio, or... Clogger.

That's just actually, that's a wooden clog on a string. But it's surprisingly effective against it. Leafle in the right hand. And I would watch that. It's impossibly, it's quite engaging, but also almost impossible to watch the Olympic stuff, because it's so fast. These little bouts, they last about a nanosecond.

Oh, do they? And you, I mean, there'll be sort of 5,000 movements that have happened in that time. And they have to slow it down as you can actually see what's happened. So was fencing based on like, was that ever an actual sort of, you know, genuine? Yeah, it's based on jewels.

Yeah, yeah. So it's jewels, it's not, it wouldn't be used in warfare. It's for kind of, you know, noble honor fighting. Yeah. And those happened, like real ones happened into the modern era. So there's, I'm gonna be bought it for this, but I think there's either a video,

potentially on YouTube, or certainly photographs of two gentlemen having a jewel. Yeah. And that must be in what, the late 1800s or early 1900s? Yeah, video seems like a stretch. But yeah, could be. Yeah, it's 3D, it's 3D video. It's kind of called a 4K video.

Yeah, that might have been a film. But yeah, like it was a big part of like actual culture. It was, it's kind of mad when you think about it. And like pistol dueling then also took over a bit. But would that be to the death? Yeah. My understanding was that that was the inherent risk. But I think if you did a sword fighting jewel

and you managed to sort of poke someone, give them a bit of a stab, then usually they'd yield at that point and they'd have lost and they'd have hoped to goodness that their surgeon wasn't total shite and also didn't have his hands covered in deadly germs. And he was shite and he did. So you were gonna die anyway.

You were gonna die just quite a lot slower. Yeah. There was a really cool jewel that I think, I might be bothered again. I think it happened in France. Yeah, sounds good. Where there were two men suspended beneath balloons. Oh yes.

Wow. And they each had a gun. And then it was the first person to shoot at this balloon and they would fall to their death. That's great. Do they manage it? I don't know because you'd think they'd both die, right? Because it's quite a big target.

So you'd both just hit the balloon, right? Yeah. Also, if I'm going down, I'm gonna die anyway. I'm gonna be like, forget the rules. I'm coming down with me later. I don't care. At this point, who cares? So you're coming down.

The thing that I found surprising about swords is I learned about how, I think for a lot of them, the way that they would kill you is just blunt force, right? So it's not so much about like cutting you or like slicing it. It's literally just smacking you in the head. I think you'd actually use the flat, the flat. So I can imagine British swords, rather than that kind of refined, elegant,

sort of epine, epine, epineal, was it called epi, ep, epae? It might, maybe it's an epae. Epae. Is it just epae? That's it. Whereas I can imagine the breasted sort of broadsword where you'd actually use the flat panel.

You'd actually just smack someone. It's good for pancakes as well. In fact, you could administer a kind of slapping as well. You could use the side on for kind of, pull yourself together, man. You'd have to be very careful, very confident about that. If you're just trying to admonish a colleague

or something like that. I suspect that's how the broadsword was invented, which is a way of keeping the troops focused. So if someone wasn't focused, you pull out your broadsword, get it flat side on, obviously. Slap, you'd have to make sure the person was standing exactly the right distance away, Mike,

because you say, slapping around the face and say, pull yourself together, man, and keep lobbing pebbles at the enemy. Hot pebbles, mind you. Nice and hot. Who do you think we're going to defeat this army? If we're not focused on tracking pebbles, yes, you have to chuck them fast

because they're hot, they hurt the hands. That's the whole bloody point. You chuck them fast. You pick them up, it scolds you, you chuck them, and then a nurse tends to your scolded hand. Then you do the next one. Don't make me use this broadsword to... Slap me, I will slap you again.

I'm sorry, I've taken his head off. Look, sorry. Sorry, guys. We need a new pebble jugger, please. I've just taken his pebble jugger. I've cut his head off. We've got a part of hot pebbles here. There's not going anywhere.

It's cooling down. You Gavin of Kettering, get in now. Yeah, it really is. I've actually killed 50 of our own men, trying to get them focused on the pebble job, and we've only killed three of those guys with hot pebbles. And that took 4,000 pebbles. 4,000 pebbles.

I tell you what, if I'm learning anything from this, it's that we've got to train these kids in pebble use younger. Grass roots. Get them out in the pebble fields. Get them out on the beaches of the South Coast. Get them playing with pebbles. Get them used to pebbles from a younger age. They start checking to be younger.

Sooner or later, they'll be in a hip France from Kent. That's the dream. And the pebbles are simply not hot enough. And believe you me, I've had a chat with the pebble heaters. I've accidentally killed 54 of them this morning. I thought I'd give them a motivational slapping this morning. I killed almost all of them. There's only two left.

I think that might be how it all started. I think so, yeah. OK, here's a question. When does something stop being a dagger and start being a sword? Ooh. What about when does it stop being a dagger and start being a sort of cheese knife? Ooh.

When does it stop being a cheese knife and become a... Acropodists? Scalpel. Which some would say is the same thing. Oh. Take one. Take one. And next up, the arches.

Yeah, we laugh, but I am currently in regular contact with a Acropodist. I'm in the... I'm in the Acropody system right now. Oh, here we go. Oh. Oh, no one needed that. They're quite grey and dark.

I sent my Acropodist a photo of my cracked heel this morning. And they resigned. From the profession. You know what, sometimes it's just that one thing which pushes you over. You know what, I'm going to go to South America and I'm going to learn how to make carpets. What I said I wanted to do as a kid.

You know what, if I'm looking at this heel right now. Mum and Dad are dead now. So I can't disappoint them with that dream anymore. This has just tipped me over. I'm sorry darling, but look, the fact is we've got a steady job here. The kids here, what's that you're showing me the photo? OK, so I think we start in Buenos Aires

and we go to some sort of carpet college there. There's an academy up and googling every day for years. But mum, mum, I'm halfway through my A-level course. I don't want to decamp at this point. What's that you're showing me your phone again? I'm going to learn how to train South American ponies to dance. That's what I want an A-level in.

In fact, it was a horrible cracked foot that sent the conquistadors over to South America in the first place, wasn't it? Just on impulse. They just knew they needed to head west and keep having west. OK, time to read your emails. Thank you to everyone who sent us an email this series.

This of course is the last of this series. So if you haven't sent your email and you've got a burning question, you're going to have to sit it out through the summer, I'm afraid. But do send it in. We will get round to it. But do send it in because we'll get round to it in the autumn.

God, the autumn. The autumn. Russet leaves. Clogging up our streets. Tiny apples. Tiny. The tiniest of tiny apples rolling around. Again, clogging up our streets.

Just the general sense that things being clogged. Good morning, Postmaster. Anything for me? Just some old shit. When you send an email, this represents progress. Like a robot shoeing a horse. Give me your horse.

My beautiful horse! Now, this first email is from someone who I think I would call the Austrian Crown Prince of Bollocking. Oh, OK. Who's this? It's our old friend, Walter. You know Walter, Henry.

Stop it, Walter. I can't remember who gave us our first bollocking. I think it might have been, it may have been Walter. Certainly, I think his was one of the the early strongest. Early landmark bollocking. He likes to duel with you, Henry. Choose your weapon, sword, pistol or bollocks.

And you just hope you get that first choice of bollock because obviously you can get the bigger bollock that everyone has. Not everyone. The felt-lined bollock box, which is what gets opened up on the morning of a bollock duel, will have two bollocks taken from the same, anyone who's related to both of the duels.

Yeah, who's over 50? And everyone, always one of those bollocks will be slightly bigger. Yeah, typically speaking. But of course, the bigger one is more deadly, but the smaller one is more manoeuvrable, isn't it? More nimble. If you want to get one straight up a nostril

up into the brain cavity, don't be choosing that big bollock. Choose the David bollock. Choose the David bollock. But if you're planning to coge that person to death, just repeated blows to the forehead. It's got to be the Goliath bollock every time. So, Walter.

I guess it's Walter, is it? I would say so. He writes, hi beans. Walter from Austria here. Henry, you can please stop trembling now at the mention of that name. On the last episode, when Ben said, nature always finds a balance.

We were talking about service stations, I think. Service station toast, if there is on either side of the motorway. You exclaimed Brownian motion. So he did. And I think, you know, me and you might, we reacted as if you were maybe saying the wrong thing. Grasping for a random scientific phrase.

Yeah. It's the correct one, isn't it? Because it's Brown... How Brown the toast is. How Brown the toast is. Yeah, defines the degree and the pace of the... Of the toast. Yeah, of the toast.

When it's white toast, you can call it white-onian motion. Right. If it's seeded Bappian motion, it depends what the bread is. He writes, as someone who used to be pretty well versed in physical chemistry, I find that a very apt analogy. Brownian motion is the random thermal movement

of small particles. For example, particles in a cup of coffee would be distributed evenly just by the energy of the hot water. I therefore consider this email not a bollocking, but rather a gentle stroking of the bollocks. Oh, come on. Never has our bollock metaphor

been pushed so... so far. But so deftly. I think only Volta could do that. Stop it. It's a delicate vault, isn't it? That me and Volta dance. We dance a delicate but deadly waltz, don't we?

Yes. With lots of Viennese horses around you in a circle. Lots of Viennese horses. And it's all very Prussian. It's very Habsburg, isn't it? Yeah. It's two noble, mustachioed, epauletted, shiny-buttoned bastards.

Dancing to the death. Dancing to the death. He writes, Lord only knows that need is to be his own jingle. I'm not making a stroking of the bollocks jingle. And from here on in, I just want to say that's not becoming a thing. The gentle stroking of the bollocks is not becoming

a feature of this podcast. I second that veto. I think we've already got reverse bollock or anti-bollock. Reflecto bollock, isn't it? We've got false bollock. So what could we call this like a bollock light? Or a bollock crowning?

A bollock crowning, no. That's worse. A bollock across the bowels. OK, guys, we've got to move on from this. It's all becoming. Yes, so thank you for your email, Volta. Thanks, Volta. Nobody get ideas about that.

No, no, no. We had an email from Ben in Canada. Canada. Canada. Oh, Canada. Canada. I'd like two tickets to see Celine Dion at the ice hockey in the Cirque du Soleil.

Canada. Canada. Hey, I'm milking a wolf here. Slots of old poppers, Nova Scotia rolls down Chrysler's farm in Regina's Saskatchewan. No one's ever going to be interested in your wide-ranger in using facial expressions. Mr.

Carrie. Syrup. Obviously, our last episode was about Canada. He writes tremendously exciting things. He's got a whole episode about Canadian stereotypes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what it was about. Just examining stereotypes.

That was what the topic was, wasn't it? Changing preconceptions, sure. He says, also, I think Henry might have genuinely tapped into the proto-Canadian accent. I think that's what he was going for, wasn't it? Yeah, that's right. He wrote some notes. One, most Canadians said he's actually not smug at all.

That's just Toronto. I'll take that. Two, he finds the lack of wilderness in Britain absolutely adorable. And then he writes, I've heard you guys have a thing called trekking, where instead of hiking outdoors, he types, you just walk between towns and stay at an inn instead of a tent.

I think that's what we call hiking, isn't it? You go to one of the areas between two towns. I was confused by it. I think the point he's making is that for us, the wilderness is just a sort of... Is the gap between two pubs, basically? Yeah. I think trekking, if you use the word trekking as well here,

to me, in Britain, that just conjures up... That involves a pony, doesn't it? Well, for me, now, it conjures up teenagers being forced to go into the Pennines or something for a rainy weekend of camping for their own good with some fruit cake. By the Duke of Edinburgh. Exactly.

Yeah, the Duke of Edinburgh Awards. Did either of you do that? No, of course I did. Look at me. Gold? Gold award, buddy. Oh, did you get to meet the Prince? I didn't get to... I saw the Prince from a very long distance

in the back of Buckingham Palace. All stand for the King! We're entering the Regal Zone. Regal Zone. Off with their heads! On with the show. Listen not to the whores and the shopkeepers. Bring me more advice.

The Regal Zone. Who gave you the award? Someone who I have no idea who he was and to this day have no idea who he was. None of my family knew who he was. He was a celebrity because you got... you got carved out into little groups, little individual groups of sort of a dozen or so.

And there were hundreds of groups across the gardens of the back of Buckingham Palace. They needed lots of celebs. They needed absolutely tons of celebs. So they had to deploy celebs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I mean, I've got absolutely no... I assume he'd done a shampoo commercial

or something in the early 80s or something. He fit the criteria. He had a bit of a silky mullet. Was it Pat Sharp? Could it have been Pat Sharp? If it had been Pat Sharp, this wouldn't be the first time you'd have heard about it. No, that's fair.

He writes point three, castor oil, which is from the anal glands of a beaver. Okay. Smells very nice and is used to season leather. You know how whenever you talk... when you talk about something in life, what happens is over the next few days, you keep noticing it.

Yes, it's called the Barden-Meinhof effect. Oh, is it? Well, I had that with beavers. You saw... Since last... You keep spotting beavers. Since last week. No, but they keep coming up online on my phone.

This is a new thing that people talk about now. I feel it's new or new-ish, that whenever that happens, people go, oh, they're listening. Oh, it's Googler listening. Yeah. All this guy wants to buy a beaver. And what I'm getting is ads for.

Buy your own beaver. Rent a beaver. Build your own beaver. Grow a beaver from a petri dish at home. But do you think that is the Barden-Meinhof effect? It's because it's in your brain, so then your brain's kind of looking out for it. So that's what I mean is, is this phenomenon

of people thinking now that when you're online... Oh, I see. Yeah, I don't know. You know, that Googler listening, or is it just the Barden-Meinhof effect happening? I mean, it sounds more like you're being directly marketed. Beaver topics. More like an algorithm.

Maybe it's the Barden-Meinhof unit in the Google Algorithm Department. Yeah. Right, yeah. Okay. Point four from Ben. Yeah. The appendix is not vestigial, as Mike said it was.

Okay, yeah. He says it stores reserves of bacteria in case you get a spot of dysentery and re-colonize your intestines. Fair play. What? Is that true? So instead of having to hit the yakult,

you just give your appendix a squeeze. So it's an internal yakult reservoir. Yeah. It's an internal yakult reservoir. That's what he's saying. How extraordinary. Anyway, thank you, Ben. Yeah, he's come up with a good there.

No, this one, I wasn't sure about reading this one out. Let's see how good a sport Henry is. Oh, fuck. It's not about... I'm not as good. I'm not as strong as I seem. Okay. We'll give you a safe word.

You can say it if this is all too much. Okay, yeah, yeah. So just say papaya. Okay. Beans. After hearing mention of it on your recent sitcoms episode, I recently decided to watch Josh. Papaya.

Is he going to take my performance to the clean? Come on, let's do it. Let's do it. After being entertained a couple of times by appearances from Bean Mike Wozniak, whose performance was warm-hearted and believable. Oh, fuck off. Okay, go on.

I was pleasantly surprised to see semi-decent cartoonist Henry Packers face Bob interview in series two. Having recently listened to your podcast, I began carefully analyzing his lines to see if I could hear him saying anything particularly fast after he explained his astronomical struggle with the director's really quite simple performance direction

on the podcast. So just if you've not listened to that one, Henry was given the instruction by the director to speed up with his lines, which he found challenging. Sam writes, Alas, after his first scene, I was unable to hear any such thing.

And as he left the frame, he was disappointed with his acceptable acting. Can you be disappointed in something acceptable? Would be my question. But then, he appeared again, towards the end of the episode. And to my delight, I watched as he ordered a pint of lager

with such immense haste. Oh, really? The words themselves were so fast, they could have been unrecognizable without the context clues of the Bob setting. The gaps between the words were so non-existent, it seemed he'd created one new combined mulch word, the line tumbled out so fast,

I chortled so loud, no person would speak like that in real life, and it completely unengaged me. I think I'd say you've got a huge compliment there. I'll take that. But I think that was the issue, which is I went too fast in the end. Well...

But that is... That is, you know... Well, here we go. I was told to do that. He writes, I've attached an audio file for curious listeners. Can I get a drink? Yeah, a pint of lager, please.

That is snappy, Henry. That is snappy. That's incredible. Let's hear that again. Pint of lager, please. Pint of lager, please. I've taken all the syllables, I've taken all the consonants out of it.

Pint of lager, please. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pint of lager, please. It's true that if you didn't have the context of the pub and the bar and the beer mats and the public and... If I was standing on, for example, a sort of desert dune...

Yeah, they'd think so. You'd just say, He'd just say, He's trying to summon some sort of desert spirit. If you put me in a Spanish setting, you'd be going, I think he's trying to order a paella, paella, paella.

Well, you did it. You did it, Henry. You took the note. So thank you, Sam, for that email, who lives in Bremen, Buckinghamshire. Thank you very much. Thank you. It's time

to pay the ferryman. Patreon Patreon Patreon.com Thanks to all our Patreon subscribers. Indeed. Thank you. Thank you so much. We can't do this without you.

Another hugely sincere sounding... I can't do it. Thing is, you do mean it. That's the weird thing. I know. I very much so. I can't sound genuine. It's a syndrome.

Can I say just quickly, during that, I don't know what this means, during that... Examination of your acting. During that examination of my acting, this is what I drew. I didn't even see it,

but I was unconscious what I was drawing. I don't have the vocabulary to describe that. I know. Maybe we just have to put that on... But it's a figure in a lot of trouble, isn't it?

We can put that on social media, for sure. We'll put that on social media. And, yeah, so go to Patreon if you're interested in getting bonus episodes. If you sign up, you get all of the ones

we've done in the past, which include one's theme drawing, The Beatles and Abba, but also all the ones in the future. There's quite a few in the back catalogue now, aren't there?

Yeah. It's a good weekend's listening. And if you sign up at the Sean Bean Tier, you get access to the Sean Bean Lounge where Mike was last night. I was. I was

where there was a very exciting game of Nazeball. What's that? It's a combination of basketball with a re-enactment of the Battle of Nazeby. And here's my report.

It was the Sean Bean Summer Special at the Sean Bean Lounge last night. This year's special event, Nazeball, combining a re-enactment of the Battle of Nazeby with basketball, the national sport of Serbia.

Dougalot and Tim Corkhill were rubbed together to produce a thick Northamptonshire-style fog, through which Sandra Gross emerged with a parliamentarian crossover dribble only to be repelled by Dolly's Royal Dragoons,

sponsored by Adidas. A cavalier rebound and tip-in from Cato would have conferred an advantage had he not been piked on the descent by Jerome Petiprin before being trebucheted into the opposing net

by Hilary Lanna. Johnny Walter and Mike Field pulled off a two-man teardrop on horseback, which even caused the hillock-based battle-watching picnic club of Katrina, Russo, John Smith,

and Trevor Coe to put down their Taramasalata crackers and applaud. Kate Harrison drew criticism for smushing the blue-coat bombardiers of Nicholas Petrillic, Alex Thornhill,

and Chris Marshall with an arguably war-crab. But that's nazeball, cried Tony Wu as he slammed Dunk the Funk and the Ball and a 17th-century crossbow into a wet trench

where Daniel Nixon, S.P. and H. Beans were blithely warming up their hamstrings. Dominic Pollard, Jack Murray Francis, Sam Van Lea, and Joshua made history

as the first people to be arrested for desertion from a battle that isn't actually happening and were given three laps. Meanwhile, as to smile, finger-old a pump-fake jabstep passed the illegally

actually-loaded sawn-off musket of Catherine Jones before drawing contact soared first with Will Thompson, who called time-out to look for his severed eyebrows. Penalty awarded to the royalists

taken by Iris Steffen's daughter, from behind the 600-yard line using a 16-inch caliber calvaryn cannon. She didn't hit the net, but she did hit Tom Hall's second-hand inflatable bombardiers, enabling Theresa Kelly's heavy cavalry

to overrun Salomonone's samurai exchange student, clearing the way for Adam H. 's double-touch layup, which was power-hooked off the royal backboard and threw the hoop by Mark Evans,

1645-style. All hail the Lord Protector, Sean B. OK, well, that's the end of that episode. In the end of our series, we will see you again in September. Have a lovely, lovely summer, everybody.

Have a nice time. Have a lovely time. And yeah, we'll be back when the leaves are turning, they're brown and they're crispy. Ah, it's Canadian Henry. OK, we play out this episode, as we do with all episodes,

with a version of our theme tune made by one of you, the listener. Thank you to everyone who sent them in. We haven't got through them all. We've got a few left that we'll store up for next season. So if you sent them in, don't worry, we will definitely play them out.

For sure, we've just got a bit of a backlog. But also, don't let that stop you sending in new ones, because we love them. We love them all. This one's from Connor. We've had Connor on before. Oh, really?

But he's a serial theme tune maker. And he contacted us on Patreon and asked me, does Mike have a favourite guitarist that he could aim? Oh, really? And I said that I thought you were a bit of a Clapton head.

I am a Clapton head. So he's written Dear Beans. This was originally intended to be a Clapton-esque theme for Mike. Lovely. But upon starting the writing process, I realised I had no fucking clue how to play like Eric.

So I instead opted for more General 70s rock-inspired track. I'll take it. It is not my intention to frustrate or annoy Henry by sending in guitar-based themes. However, if it has this result, I'll consider it a bonus.

Best Connor. Lovely Connor. A smashing choice. He'd definitely be up there in my, you know, in my top tiers. In your pantheon? Yeah.

Jimmy, of course, is up there. And I've recently been enjoying the work of French jazz guitarist Birely Lagren. Really? That's interesting. So we see a kind of Django Reinhardt sort of style guitarist.

Very much, yeah, very much after Django Reinhardt. I don't care about Django. This is very much that South of France kind of Gypsy Jazz Manouche kind of thing. I don't care about that. Nice.

Yeah. I'm talking about it. Interesting fellow, actually, because he started to... Shut up now! I think when he was a very young child, his father was a guitarist himself. He is!

And he's playing a kind of acoustic. You usually can see he won't occasionally electric, but typically, it's your classic sort of de-hold style. Or, you know, you're very much purposeful

Gypsy Jazz style guitar. Yeah. With a sort of high action. Re-hold my head! A kind of 20 sound. Lovely. Lovely. It was a pick,

but he's got versatility. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, brilliant. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.