Three Bean Salad - Tea

Episode Date: June 14, 2023

To Ben’s horror, the theme this week, thanks to Dedan-Jah Jonker the rheumatic Dutchman, is his bête noire: tea. To make things worse for poor, sweet, bean-machine laden Ben, this episode also finds him forced to confront his most recent near death experience at the hands of a certain type of central European bastard the guide books don’t warn you about.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladGet in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

Henry? Yes. Should we start by talking about the the Elephants cataract in the room? Yeah. Your face looks like it's been completely margarine. I'm stuffing, I am stuffing from heavy, heavy sort of visual grease again. It's come back. I can see that clearly from the video screen that Zoom is presenting of me, of what looks like me, but just sort of swamped in oil. It looks like a heavy sort of heavy fish oil, I'd say, a kind of omengarich, possibly a matkroll oil, I'd say.

Oh, brilliant in the diet. Less caught on a Zoom call. Yeah. You look like a bit in a movie where someone who's been trapped in an alternative dimension is trying to get through, but can't quite. Yeah, yeah. And he's trying to tell our hero what they need to do screaming their way out of the netherworld. Yes Sorry about that

Did this happen before? Hasn't it? I want some every Every couple of years or so. I'll try to go viral with the tweet And a couple of years ago it was I just said a photo of lots of cutlery It was on Christmas day. Okay. Because you saw there was a gap in the market. What people thought, what are people not tweeting about?

Exactly. You've got to look for the gaps, Mike. So I tweeted a photo of lots of cutlery. No, just it was amazingly amount of cutler I'd produced. Not produced, but had done. Blade. Blade. Was bashing them out solidly. No, I was cooking Christmas meal, I was cooking the Christmas meal.

And it came a point where I mean, if you have a cook with Christmas meal, by the way, I think it's good for the, it's a good conversation. There's a heat wave across the United Kingdom. Let's talk about the heaviest pastime of the year. From the start. Have you ever cooked the Christmas meal, either, you? I have never cooked the Christmas meal. Really?

To my great shame. I have offered. I have offered to assist. Yeah. I have always had that offer rejected. I've cooked it once, and it was an absolute disaster. Not invited back. What?

You actually weren't invited back to family Christmas were you the next year at all? It was that bad. It was the pandemic year. So I would have normally gone to a family members, a more senior family members home, but we were stuck in the flat and I, you know, put my mind to a piece of beef which just went hard.

It became like a solid, large bullet of beef. Did you overdo it? I think I understood it. It must be severely undidund to be hard. That's because he didn't defrost it. Because the next day, the next day, I tried to salvage it by just basically boiling it in wine. I think we talked about this. And then it did sort of soften up to an extent and became at least edible, if not fully digestible. And for quite a long time, that was your solution to all problems, wasn't it, was boiling things in wine?

You know, I, yeah, so it was a year or two ago. I was basically the Christmas building is incredibly stressful. And I was just pulling out cutlery. One of my tells, when I'm stressed is, I will expose, I'll pull out cutlery from cutlery draws. You're doing it now. Now I'm always doing it by the podcast. I have a little felt tablecloth that I place it onto. It doesn't create too much noise, but I will be placing fish spoons, tongs, or grapes, or manor of utensils. No, but yeah, so during the Christmas, I pulled out every utensil pretty much in the

house. I was in my parents' house the hub of Christmas and everything was out. So I took a photo of it. So that was quite funny. This is how stressful I am. This is how stressful Christmas is. Look at all this cutlery I've got out.

So in my mind I'm thinking, you know, this is it. This is the big one. I mean, because you do hear about this thing. You buy it by the end of the day, LAUGHTER we have streamers literally at war with each other LAUGHTER to get a piece of this.

But all that happened was I just got, I just got to see, I just got a few comments on how greasy my lens was. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER On my phone. Can you only get one shot at the top, don't you? You do.

If I hadn't been for that greasy lens, who knows? at the top, don't you? You do. If I hadn't been for that greasy lens, who knows? Certainly wouldn't be talking to you too right now. But it seems to happen again, I've greased up my lens. I don't know what it is in my, it's one of those things. I'll have to look at my daily routine and see where it happens. I have a clearly, in fact, I noticed this the other day when I was trying to take a selfie.

We do a laptop. Yeah, it's um, do you take it to a local landmark? Well, I've got, they're called extension cables for a reason, then they exist. I got myself a beauty. Those laptop selfie sticks are very expensive as hell aren't they? That's why you got in a quick one with those

pool nets in the end of the depth of one of those. Well, yeah, no, I did, I did, I did take a very grease itself. I don't know it was. I think I know I have a lot of head grease. Let's discuss that before. Could be that it's spreading to my devices now. But I've got, I'm looking like a section of an ABBA video. You've won the video. We need three of my heads to be rotating slowly around each other.

What's singing? Can you hear the drums for Nando? Can you feel the drums for an end all? Can you feel the grease for an end all? Okay, so let me give it a little wipe. And we're back. Oh, there he is. Simple as that. And that's why, maybe it's Nick Winston as a live.

I do carry a micro fiber, well, a series of micro fiber, fiber, towelettes around a minute, all times. Crystal clear though. Crystal clear now. Yeah, so, look what we're talking about, all times. Crystal clear though. Crystal clear now. Yeah, so, I think what we're talking about, I remember.

I think your face. That was it. I was just, it was just my face in the grace. It's a peculiar one, isn't it? Because we haven't, the last episode went out, but we actually recorded that quite a long time ago. Are we out?

Yes, we recorded the first episode of the series. This is a pompadoo. This is a pompompadou. This is a Pompadou. Yeah. And now it's time for Pompadou section. Pompadou. We recorded it in April, I think. Yeah. Because Ben was about to go on it on a grand European tour.

Yeah, well, yeah. Hang on. You say grand European tour as if I was swanning around enjoying myself, you know, looking at work to the Renaissance, the like, I then bring back to my family pile. Rubbing shoulders with the great and the good of mainland Europe. I company by a team, you know, a nurse, a translator. A night, a Habadasha. Several seamstresses just just making you a carriage of to-sure. My personal fault, can I? Subdrainian cartographer. And a small team of viciously well-trained

crossbowmen. But no, it was just you, wasn't it, solo. You went 80's style, didn't you? You went, or sort of what, later 80's early norsees into Rettles, all right? Later 80's early norsees. Yeah, didn't happen in the night. The 90's, the 90's, I said before, a complete length for me. I was having that much of a good time there for many of them. Which we've got to happen. Because you remember, don't you remember watching TV? Oh, Hasselhoff on the wall. Hasselhoff on the wall, Ben. Hasselhoff on the wall.

New Year's Eve, 1989. The countdown's of midnight, and then your next memory is you're standing in the Millennium Dome, shaking hands with shallary blare. That's right. And John Prescott is having to explain what the internet is to me. Tell me Ben. Tell us. Well, I was in Europe for a number of weeks. In order to shore up my support amongst various deposed royal families, Habsburgs, Hawkinsollans, reassure them that their time is coming.

Exactly. And to get them all in line behind me for a future coup, I'm thinking now Austria. That's the beach head, is it? I think so. It's Salzburg first. Yeah. Yeah. It was just putting down a few markers, is it? I think so. It's Salzburg first. Yeah. Yeah, it was just putting down a few markers, drawing some lines in the sand. And you're trying to, you're going to create something doing, which is a cross between the Prussian Empire and its height.

Yes. And contemporary Dubai, isn't it? That's what you want to create. You want to create a kind of... LAUGHTER ...with breakout rooms to rival Mogul, Google. Exactly, yeah, that's... I want there to be air-conditioned shopping malls

from the North Sea to the Mediterranean. An unbroken line. You want a corporate monarchy. I think that's going to be a problem. Your dream is to be... Is there any citizen of Europe should be able to walk from the Baltic to the Mediterranean and always be within eye-shot of a rhymance?

LAUGHTER The place I came that was closest to that dream I have to say was leal, which I didn't like very much. Your final stop. You're fine. Yeah, my final stop, I went to leal in order to get the deurister. I wouldn't have gone there otherwise. I don't think I don't I don't want to be disrespectful to the people of

leal. I know you have many listeners in leal. What about the town planners of leal? Town plans of leal, you fucked up hard. It's like a series of dual carriageways and shopping centers just like mush together. And there were so many branches of the corporate participatory Paul. Just everywhere you pull epicenter. It's the Paul epicenter of the world, isn't it?

There was one point where I could stand and I could see three separate polls. Did they manufacture them in Leo and then export them? I assumed Paul was like a UK brand, right? I thought it was like Prattamonger, or because it's called Paul. It's called the average UK name. It's been proved that the average, the average person in the UK is called Paul. It's the best guest name. Yeah, it's the median name.

It's the best guest name. Yeah. So the eligible that that's that sort of disappointing, isn't it? Well, it is because you sort of think in France, there should be, you know, charming, independent local bulongers on every corner, but they see it in Leal anyway, they seem to pack the end and just sort of consolidate it all into the mega corporation, which is Paul. Maybe they're just thoughtfully preparing you for a return to the UK. Maybe it's a decompression city in that after seeing the miracles and the joys of Europe, you're reminded of

of dual carriageways and chain patisseries. Yes. And even a Westfield, you send it to a Westfield. They needlessly have a West real. And that's right. Just a soft and the blow. I think the key thing, you know, you don't, you don't, you don't do an lecture or listen to some, on things like economics and how things work. But if you know, yeah, sit, sit, bloody sue me, sue me, I know stuff.

Yeah. Um, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, the way the way the way things like Paul work is it's hedge funds, isn't it? So you're looking at hedge fund situation, which is hang on, is this macro economics? It's actually bigger than that. It's mega crow monster.

It's mega crow. It's mega crow. Not quite monster crow yet. It's mega crow it's mega crest not quite monster crow yet it's mega crow so what all have happened was hedge fund manager probably called Paul yeah would have been on holiday in France we've gone to Belongioree and we've gone I can replicate this I can monetize this big time he'd have named it after himself Paul because he's, yeah, that's the level of personal dealing with. They're not imaginative. These people are, well, the parasites.

And this is going to be far this is not. But the point is they take ideas, they didn't have ideas themselves. They keep calling it Paul. They replicate, they replicate exactly the the blong tree, whatever businesses they've seen and repute it all over the world. What I'm wondering is whether there comes a point where you have a tipping point where the hedge fund imitation products start to take over the... Well, like a parasite begins to devour the host itself. The polls are coming back through the channel tunnel. You think there's Paul Seapis?

You think the polls that Ben was saying in in Leo was overflow from the UK Pulse? I think it could be. I think that's what might be happening, which I think is quite sad. Because you could have been standing at French Paul Zero there, Ben. So the branches of Paul in Britain have somehow managed to pro-create, basically? You'd think so, wouldn't you? I mean, that's the most obvious answer. In the same way that tomato plants will proliferate around the aperture of a sewage outlet. the same way that tomato plants will proliferate around the aperture of a sewer outlet. British poles will probably be sprouting around the aperture of the channel tunnel, it makes complete sense.

There must be, right, in a submarine somewhere in the North Atlantic, there must be a plan for what happens if France goes to war with Britain, visa via the channel tunnel, right? It's got to be. They must have thought about that. I wonder if they have if they have flooding capacity built in for that reason. We'll just send a bunch of twats down it. Or send bunch of twats. It's quite a lot of them in the southeast.

Probably a lot of those are built at there. Well, basically, sort of off-board Kent into the sea. It's the ultimate deterrent, then. We hope we don't have to use it. We pray we will never have to use it, but it's there. I've tried to think what you know, I don't want to go on about my whole day because it's boring listening to people to quite a whole days But I try to think of what's the one thing I learned maybe that I could impart to the listener. Okay. We're going straight to the end of the sex in the city Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is I like this. Nice. Bommerman Bradshaw. And which would would would you you to I'm I'm Cynthia

every time I think the actor's Cynthia Mike is Janet Doesn't actually appear in the TV series to unsaxly together The rejected off stage narrator. The less I learned was I noticed early on, when you go to a restaurant, it's quite hard to not to order in general, isn't it? Yes.

So if the restaurant has a meal or a dish named after the restaurant. I will always go for it. So for example, in Britain, you're often ordered the spaghetti house, for example, which is a, it's sort of bungalow constructed out of quite hard, they have to use the, they can't cook the spaghetti for the spaghetti house to they can speak quite hard.

It's hardless and you're sheet. It's hardless and you're sheet. Built into what is it kind of, what is it kind of a frame? What is it at the moment? At the moment, it's a semi-detached, though. They'll do it semi-detached. It's semi-detached, so it will be detached. So it will be on one side attached

to the spaghetti house being eaten by the person on the table next to you. There will be a family eating the next one. You can just sit in a ragu bath and relax. Okay. What I've realized is this often happens in pizza rears. They'll have the normal, the pepperoni. Of course, so just quickly, the pizza heart obviously is not as sophisticated as it is

as we get to the house. It's basically a calzone. It's basically a calzone. It's basically a calzone with your head as a filling. So it can't be done. So they'll have the Quattro Stagione's, the Quattro Fumadges, the Diavolo's, and then they'll have the one they've made it themselves. And it's always insane. It'll be like salmon, pineapple chunks, ground beef, the little bits of round paper from the inside of a whole bunch of.

And should be tins. And should be heads and hailstones. And basically I did it a few times and I just came to realization of just like, just don't do it. And I would just like to say, if you're in Europe this summer, I would warn you off pizza bibliotech. in Europe this summer, I would warn you off pizza biblia tucker. Hey, why are you putting a pizza in a in a library? Pizza and Diamo.

And finally, omelette eggs mania. Oh, is that the last one of pizza? It's an omelette. So those are all in house pizzas that you ordered. Those are all inhouse meals that I ordered. They all sound like kind of food waste bin. They feel like you're eating up their offcats. Because the local counts will stop recycling food waste and they've just tipped it on some dough. Well that's what they do with the Pacey Welsh Tourist. That's what they do with a lot of waste that can't be recycled. And that's often what the specials are, I think, in restaurants.

Because I think specials is another area which I was find a bit tricky. Well, one basic rule for me is, you always order the thing that the restaurant is specialises in. Is that the opposite of what you've just said? Well, yeah, because that was my thing. That was my thing.

It was precisely. Yeah, that's the exact opposite, isn't it? So we present both sides, aren't we? We are. It's part of the bean code of the That's the exact opposite isn't it? So we present both sides, aren't we? We are part of the bean code of impartiality, isn't it? We have to actually have to now represent this side of the argument. Otherwise, we could be, well, we could be banned by beanstuff, the three bean, or the independent three bean regulatory. Off bean.

Off bean. The bean budsmon. The bean. No, no, no, no. For me, you've got to say, for example, well, no, what I mean is more, more, more that if you go to a pastor restaurant, you order a pastor. I mean, you don't order something because some, some restaurants will, um, you know, you might have a, a, a, a, a, a, Chinese restaurant, we're sure to do it. Just do a lasagne, yeah. Does that happen? might ever have a Chinese restaurant, we should do it.

Just do a lasagne, does that happen? What? We all come across that. Well, to be honest, that's the point I'm making. You don't come across that, and there's a very good reason for it, which is, we sort of do, then, often in Chinese restaurants don't have the English menu,

which I've never seen anyone order from, but it'll just be like, egg on toast and stuff. The way, well, exactly, there you go. I don't know, do you often get this with Chinese restaurants, do you? I've not seen this, Mike. I have seen this, and it's hard to tell whether it's to accommodate families with very picky children

or if they're just a slur against a nation, from another nation as far more sophisticated food culture. But you've always, I think, I think ordering that would be a mistake, when it's the one, so the first thing is you focus on what they do. So you don't go to a chicken restaurant or a beef, for example. You don't go to ice cream van or a beef.

Exactly. You don't go to a personal trainer or a beef. Actually, you do. Anyway. Yes, the other rule I have is, on the one hand, it's good to try things that you haven't tried before. On the other hand, you can't beat a trusty old favourite, never lets you down. So those are contradictory in a way.

But that's where we find ourselves. We find ourselves in the teeth of that dilemma quite a lot, don't we? I mean, feel free to either use a chip in and help me out with some thoughts at any point. You can't start doing that after 9-0. But the other one is, tread carefully through the mind field, also known as the specials. The specials, right, is basically somebody's bought too many muscles. They're going to go off in a matter of hours and they need to get them out of the door. So you're both cynical about the specials, rather you see, I've always imagined the specials that they've been out foraging that very day.

They've been in, in the woods, no, no. Finding curious mushrooms and they've literally just shot that trout out of the sea with a harpoon. No, they've been, they've been to an industrial estate where some bloke has gone, I'll sell you this ton of trout. It's gonna go off in six hours. Yeah.

But if you can sell it before then, you can just about do it legally. Oh no. Because I think I'm a bit of a sucker for the old chalkboard. Yeah, I think we should be careful on the drum. Well, I think we should definitely be careful around. Hmm. And this is quite common.

Is a pizza place, and a burger place, which has it's one of the week. And it's quite a sort of hip-strish cool place, is have this quite a lot of notice. So the sourdough pizza place, so just to explain this to Mike, a pizza is a plate shape sort of flat dough. There's failed to rise.

That's the, yeah. And of course, that's the, so, so, so. Who can use it for animal feet? What were you? You, yeah, you would, you would compost it instantly if you thought you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you go go it's animal meal or it's compost. But which has had so it's a boot-shaped proponential, which extends into the Mediterranean, which is essentially the equivalent of the

British channel. But just a bit further down beyond the dark lands. And soon, Mike, when I make my journey to Europe, which you've told me you will join me on, you'll be meeting a certain deposed royal family from Northern Italy who are going to be big players in our lives, I think. That's probably because. They're very much being here. Come back, aren't they? Just a big thumbs up to the House of Lombardy, if you're listening. Thanks for everything you've pledged.

I don't really see why anyone would go further east than Gibraltar. Frank Lekki, you get the other Canadian seas. I think Britain is further east than Gibral it. It's the job of the people. It's being the right language. You got a beach. Redpost boxes. Exactly. Yeah, no, so, uh, yeah, the pizza place is, I'll do a pizza of the week.

So, um, so, so because you'll look through the, the, the stand of pizza choices. Another thing, but we'll try our pizza of the week, which is, yeah, as you say, Bolognaise, bread, little, uh, they'll try our pizza of the week which is yeah as you say bolognaise bread little uh they'll brash up bits of ceramic um fountain pen um and that one what what no no realistically it'll beat it won't sound it won't sound crazy but um it will what will happen is you so say if there's two of you, if one of you has a standard pizza, so as we said, Diavolo, Loren, pepperoni, these are ancient pizzas, yeah, they've

been tried and tested in the same way that a pebble will be smoothed by the sea. So Hawaiian. It goes down smooth. It goes down smooth. Well, a rock with smooth for centuries and turn into a pebble. What you're trying to do with that pizza of the week, you've been in what, you've just two years into this business, you're coming up with another pizza of the week, this is you're 200, you know, there's whatever, you're 209th another piece for the weight, this is your 200, you know, there's whatever this is your 200 ninth piece of the week I'm to come up with.

You're essentially trying to turn a rock into a pebble over the course of a morning, you can't do that. So essentially it won't work. It won't sound like it'll be sweet, it won't sound that radical, it'll be like lardons, sweet corn, cream. It'll be like lardons, sweet corn, cream. It'll be like lardons, sweet corn, cream.

Mushrooms and chives or something, it won't sound mad. It'll be like, well, try that. With the possibility of a fish finger. The rumor of a fish finger. And it won't sound mad. You'll be like, well, try that. And you'll eat it and you'll go, of course, you idiot. You know, you've just thrown away the concept of,

of, well, of coastal erosion effectively. Do you use my metaphor? Yeah, stick with that. You can't just create a pebble overnight. You've thrown away 2000 years of history. Exactly. And a front to the Roman Empire, what you've done. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it won't work.

That's why there are essentially five or six basic pizza flavors, and that'll happen with burgers as well. So there'll be burger of the week. It'll be ferret, ferret served by a ferret, in a ferret, in a ferret with a ferret, Drew costs two ferrets. Yeah. And you'll ease it up your trousers.

Yeah. But generally what happened is you'll, again, it's that, it's that, it's that, it's that conflict isn't between innovation and sticking with what works. I can't remember what we're talking about. Are we talking about Ben? Hmm. Oh yes, so.

I basically said what you said, but then you said it again, but took about 20 minutes to do so. Welcome to Three Bean Salad. Let's turn the bean machine, you betcha. This week's topic are sent in by Dedan Jar-Jonker, the rheumatic Dutchman. Okay, this is topic is tea Nice life blood of the nation. Yeah And I find all of the chat around tea Mm-hmm quite gross gross. Yeah, I thought you were gonna go for dial be gone for gross What's gross about tea? Well the thing is with Britain Mike is that whatever happens? Yeah, there can be bombs raining from the sky. There can be plague

Britain Mike is that whatever happens there can be bombs raining from the sky there can be plague there can be fire But at the end of the day we'll always have a lovely cup of tea Okay, do you know the mean okay, yeah, I'll see what you're saying tell what, you can blow up my legs, you can shoot my face off, you can shish on my cat. But as long as I've got some nice cup of tea, I don't know, I'll have a cup of tea. Yeah, there's that, it's the kind of keep calm and carry on tea towel of drinks. But you are also ben, you are immune to the restorative properties of tea.

Good point, I don't drink tea. Ben is it, no. Whereas I drink gallons of the stuff. But Ben is a non-hot drinker. Not true. No? Ah, sorry, your cocoa drinker. Give me a boiling bovril. Or any other brand of hoof juice. No, I do, I drink a lot of hot chocolate. Yes, you do. But I'm not a tea or coffee drinker. Do you hallix? I've never hallixed. I'm not really sure it is, is it multi?

I was given hallix once and I found it to be absolutely foul. LAUGHTER What is it? I think it is multi. It felt like a punishment drink. I think it was the hue of its day. Oh, I'm not quite sure. It's supposed to be warm and comforting. Yeah. Maybe it was poorly served. It was very grainy.

Is it a brand? Is it a brand, Toulix? Yeah. But I think it's a brand of just one thing that no one else makes. It's a mono brand. It's not like it's like there's tea and there's Yorkshire tea and there's PG tips. Yeah. Yeah. There's just. Yeah. Paulic's does all X. Yeah. So I don't I don't drink tea at all. Which puts me into a category of suspicion for a lot of people I think. Yeah. It will be this sort of thing that would foil a foreign spy in a time of war. And I yes. Yes. Yes. Who are you working for, Benjamin? We know for a fact he can't be working for the Allies. He's with the Vanuatu and intelligence services.

Rumbled and then loads of like tropical fruit falls out of my hat. See, then, quick stop before he chose on the poison guava. What's the thing that sometimes that you'd see people do in films or TV or something where, is this the thing, where people drink tea out of a cup, not cup, a saucer? Yes, tea cup, then it's called drinking tea. No, I know that. You know when people drink out of a saucer? Yes, is that a thing? It's built to you from the saucer.

Yeah, yes, but I don't know what. Yes, but I don't know if that was, I don't know what that is, so I don't know if that was supposed to be hugely uncouth, or so uncouth that you only did it if you either uncouth or a high echelon royal. Yeah, I mean, it was, I don't, I've never understood the, was it a willful eccentricity, you know, an affectation? I don't know. Because T obviously has a huge amount of etiquette around it, doesn't it? Well, that's what's been been is missing out on. Yeah, it's it's the ritual. The ritual to drink. It's the ritual, the ritual, the ritual.

You pull a mug off your kitchen shelf. People come together. You stick a PG tips in it. You squash the tea bag against the side of the mug. It seeps out a hot brown sort of sweat which adds to the layers of brown sort of film that you can never wash off those mugs, it's a deep, deep, deep stain. You acknowledge the unity of your species and yet you celebrate the individualism by the unity of your species and yet you celebrate the individualism by levels of milk, sugar requirements. Oh god, it's so tedious. This is like, you know, I guess we've all worked

in offices at some point in our lives. There's always that nonsense people are going about getting the kind of their tea right and like, fuck me. If you don't know that, Crayousel, don't bother. Also, people are calling it Builders Tea, fucks me off. Everything about it seems to know you Ben. It really annoys me. How'd you take yours? Me. Yeah. Well, I don't want to sound pretentious,

but ever since I drank TN Vietnam. Oh man. I go and try and not sound pretentious now. Ever since I, yeah, I dropped a bit and I'm, I stopped having milk in my tea after that because you don't really taste the tea, you taste the milk. So I like a black tea, but not too dark. Sometimes I will have a bit of milk in the tea, depending on my social situation, who's around me, I don't want to stand out.

Or see, because again, tea is somewhere... Because of the ritual. Because of the ritual, Ben. This is what you're missing out on the ritual. When you take that hot tea bag and you chuck it in the sink, the ritual... It stays there for up to three or four days. Three or four days, and the ritual. When you do the washing up and the bits...

You're trying to wash up the dishes and plates and pans but there's about 50 tea bags just sort of floating around somewhere and that murky liquid. The ritual bend and the bag of one of them has become compromised and there are the back has become compromised. The side of the says, it's blocking the leaves. the sinkhole, the ritual bend. Wonderful ritual. Of chucking that tea bag, taking those tea bags at a big handful of them and squishing that brown liquid out of them and then dumping them into your pedal bend. And then you're lying on your back in a dental hygienist, they're using a kind of industrial buffer to try and get off the deep trow in stains

and all of your teeth. The ritual bend. The ritual of that.. The ritual then. The ritual of that. So you can rebuild that wall of new, that wall of brown across your teeth. The ritual when the dentist asks their assistant to hand them the hard ply metal brush for this one.

We're gonna need the beast, the big boy, that's right. The one they used to clean tank wheels, that's the one. They're going to need the nano dynamite. They're going to have to rig your nashes up with small explosives. That's right, we're going to have to just get a crack. We're going to have to blow our way through the outer inches of tea enamel. It's enamel. It's an amy-lised tea. It's harder than any commercially available bathroom tile. And it represents the metal of the nation. That's right. That's right.

Because that's what Spitfires has made for me, wasn't it? It was ground up teeth. That's right. Of tea drinkers. Also the ritual, Ben. The ritual. The ritual. The ritual. The ritual. The ritual. The ritual. When you're in an antique shop or perhaps a moogie and Mike, I'm not even going to try and explain moogie to you. It'd be literally been possible. You have to explain what Japan is for. Yeah, exactly. Which means I have to explain what the Pacific is. It's literally not worth it. The fact that the world is round? Yes.

Yeah. Come on, guys. So, you know, the ritual, the ritual of deciding one day to buy a little teapot, a set of fresh tea leaves, I'm actually going to make real tea from now on once. The ritual of seeing that tea pot every couple of weeks and you're sort of moping around the kitchen and reminding you of the fact that you never really stick to anything properly do you? Are you f**king assembling a simple, good, good, freaking pot of tea? The fricking idiots. Yeah, reach for another PG tips, squash it against the side of the mug. It's no more than you deserve. You disgust me.

That's all part of the ritual. It's the ritual, Ben. Was there not did the family not embrace tea, Ben, both my parents drink drink a lot of tea. So you're real outlier? Yeah, both my sisters drink tea. Mmm. I think is this your biggest naysay of all time? That's a good point. It's a pretty extreme naysay though. Essentially assuring the cornerstone of British culture. Well, I also don't pay tax. Yeah, that one.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But that's because of your unusual status that you're technically registered as a randomizing topic generator. That's right. As a human man.

Yeah. And I'm listed on company's house as a theme park. Yeah. A lost making theme park. Of course, I do pay my tax. Things you two think to yourself as as patriotic Brits. I'm drinking a day. Yeah, correct.

Whereas I on a daily basis, I'm drinking what we had in Britain before the tea arrived. Yes. I'm drinking a week mead every morning. A week break for us to move. Then a slightly stronger lunchtime me, and then an absolutely catastrophic night time need, which then knocks me out until the following morning. I was having some throat pains, and I talked to my GP about it, and G.R. She asked me about my habits, and I said, I do like pouring very, very hot liquid

down my throat. Directly from the kettle. Not straight from the kettle, but I really like a tea. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. And if it's not scorchingly hot, I'll get it straight in the microwave and I'll get it bang hot again. I like it top, top temp. I like it's practically turning into steam on my tongue, that's how I like it.

Hot hot. So I thought this is part of where I don't like tea. So it's kind of one step away from someone throwing a glass of hot water boiling water in your face. Yes, exactly. Prison style. It's a channeled form of self-inflicted prison attack. That's what I'm doing.

That's exactly it then. And some of us need that to stay sharp. That's exactly it, then. And some of us need to stay sharp. And it's the ritual. Now, when I said that to my GP, genuinely, I don't know if you've ever had this, you've had a GP laugh at you. And then she said, she said, just give me a moment. And I gave her some time. She collected herself. And then she said, I think you should stop pouring very, very hot liquids down your, throat, and that was her advice. So it was in case where the cure was pretty much the same as the problem, but just with a knot in front of it or with a don't. And it's also the last thing you wanted to hear. I had a Swiss GP love me last week really

Went for a walk in Switzerland and wood wooded area. Yeah, yeah, yeah Oh look a charming little red squirrel Oh look another charming to red squirrel. Oh look another one and Then what the fuck and another one. Oh shit, another one. And then what the fuck? And another one. Oh shit. So many of these, oh. There's literally a thousand of these red squirrels.

Oh, did you have a sort of matrix moment of like, is this reality? Or am I? I did. Is it reality made up of a sort of pixels in each pixel? Is it a tiny red squirrel? Are you in the squirrel tricks? The squirrels have taken over.

And because actually everyone, if you wanted to make humanity become totally docile. You get them addicted to the stuff called tea, am I right? Yeah. Anyway, so it was amazing. I'd never seen so many squirrels in one place. I've never seen a red squirrel. That's really exciting to see a red squirrel.

Lovely. It was great. And then some people were feeding the red squirrels out of their hand and giving them nuts. And I thought all these squirrels seemed very tame and nice. And then one looked at me, with like a look of pure malevolence. And the log story short, loads of squirrels run out my legs. Thinking that it had food in my pocket I think. And maybe about five squirrels all like scratching my legs, Doring blood. Like really, really horrible. Did you have food in your pockets?

No, no. Well, I had I had a bag of paprika crisps in my backpack. Okay, that might be it. Like anyone on hold in Europe would always have wouldn't they? Because you'd always you'd always end up buying crisps when you're on hold in Europe and they will always be basically a big. They'll always be a flavour like per breakewinn. Yeah.

So it's quite a bit terrifying. They're not very nice, but quite weird. The nice sort of ran away, and then they were following me. That's using it. That sounds like a nightmare. Into downtown Europe. And everybody turned their balls curls coming out of the trees and like, it was like the birds

but really really cute but menacing at the same time. I did put a video on them, I think my Instagram will Twitter or something of me being attacked by a squirrel, of it jumping into my crotch. I'd like to see that, I haven't seen that. Shall I send you a name, Mike? Please. Okay, I've just sent it. Okay, got it. Here we go. Very cute, aren't they? Oh, they're other sweet. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa changes it changes quickly. One second he's just having a little nozzle on your toes and he shoots up your leg like he's a cruise missile. A horrible cruise missile.

With a thirst for Welsh balls. And adorable, bollocks bones. Cruise missile, because let's make them a mistake. That's what those girls were after. I mean, we've been tiptoeing around it. Haven't, haven't weighed, but that's what they were after. Nuts. My hat's big seed. You're brushing future.

Anyway, so that happened, so that happened like loads of times in the row. It's eerie, isn't it? When nature turns on you like that. When nature works out that you've coated your bollocks in crushed pistachios. Yes. That's right. Yeah. Tax.

Because the reason, of course, that you've come to Switzerland is to get the deluxe. You want them new guard as well. You want you've had this to get the new guard. Yeah, so then I can go and present them for a Russian HQ and become the CEO. Yeah. So the following day, I woke up and you'd grown a tail. And you were fighting crime. You were really going to climbing trees.

So I woke up and they were sort of lacerated a bit more a bit more than I thought, maybe, previously. I thought, okay, I've walked past the pharmacist, I thought I'd go in there and see, just show it to the pharmacist and say, like, do I need to do anything about this? Show what? Show what? What are we talking? Just scratch legs. Did you say, I'm sorry, you can't toss off this bit of the story, Ben. Did you have to Google Translates? My legs have been tied up. That's burls.

Well, this is, this is where we get, this is where we get closer and closer to the GP laughing at me. Okay. So, pharmacist says, maybe you should see a doctor because of toll word. Oh, God, this is an embarrassing case. I've never didn't even come in of tollvert. Oh God, is this an embarrassing case ever didn't even come in about the tollvert? I could always assume that was just a normal rectal protuberance. I'd assumed it was. I thought we all had a tollvert. Oh no. This is rabies, is it?

I popped it into Google Translate. Rabies, okay. It's never what you want to come out of Google Translate, is it rabies? It's never what you're looking for. Especially on a holiday, not holiday rabies. I think that must support network around me for these rabies. Sure. Rabies on a Monday morning or a week or so.

Yeah, but at least not on my, give me rabies. Yeah, I'll have a touch Monday morning or something. Yeah. We've all been there, but at least not on my point. Give me Ravies. Yeah, I'll have a dose of Ravies. Exactly. Frankly, Froth at the mouth, but catch up on some, uh, some, some, um, some, um, Madman. Did it mean minds of Ravies, Ravies and Milkentwo, please. Just build his Ravies.

What I realised was the problem with Ravies amongst many is that once it's head has been raised above the power pet, nobody really wants to give you the device, oh, don't worry about it, it's probably fine. Even though that is true. Once it's in the conversation, I don't think anyone on earth wants to be the person who says to someone, yeah, I don't worry about that, you don't got rabies, and then they get rabies because I'll be at the end of the ultimate, going to fuck up. Do you know what I mean?

Yes, so yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's like 100% death, isn't it? It's like the worst possible way out. Well, they don't want to be the one that once you've got rabies and you realize what's happened, Ben, you then go back for a vengeful rabies attack. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, I'm not a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man.

I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man.

I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man.

I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. from a thousand miles away. You can't really froth in the form of text, can you? This is just things like that. Oh, not way, yeah. So anyway, I ended up going to the doctor. That's quite a thing to organize. How do you even organize going to a doctor in Switzerland on holiday? I suppose, yeah, how'd you do it?

It sort of helps that in Switzerland, I think all medical care is 100% privatized like in America. So it's incredibly expensive, but it does mean that you can just see a GP like at the drop of a hat. Right, okay. Obviously, I had to make sure I didn't

walk into Dig and Test by mistake. Right, hey, hey, hey, hey, nice stuff, really lovely stuff. We love these stuff. Oh, yeah. Oh, also, you didn't have, I hope you didn't have Swiss flu. That's one where a small,

small wooden bird springs out of your ass on the hour every hour. Hello, I'm all right. Hey, Swiss flu. Wait, ping-bong, wait, ping. All right, so we went in. Doctor was quite good fun. Yeah.

Said, he said, yes, we must take this seriously. I'm going to call Swiss rabies control. Ooh. You're experiencing, but also never again. Pretty Swiss healthcare. So he essentially rings up a kind of hot control. Ooh. You're experiencing, but also never acting. Pretty swish healthcare. So he seems to be rings up a kind of hotline. Yeah. And then he's speaking in, well, I've seen this with German.

And the tender of the conversation is very much. What a fucking idiot. This fucking guy is just coming. He's been bitten by a fucking squirrel. And things have got rabies. Let's just talk for a minute or so. So it seems like I'm asking you about whether you need stuff to shot or not. But if a kid is going, it's going to cost another hundred quid.

Come on, come on. We can rinse this guy so hard. His story's got more holes in it than one of our cheeses. It's funny. I also enjoy the Swiss cheese jokes. These are the ones I'm Swiss meat too. I love the Swiss jokes. Coco.

Yeah, that kind of thing. Anyway, he gets off the phone and he says, you do not need the tolvert jab. It would only be possible if the squirrel had been bitten by a bat. And I think the likelihood of his squirrel being bitten by a bat and then the squirrel biting you is very small. And so yeah, then he gave me a tennis injection and I was on my way. Did you go back to see if that squirrel had any bite marks on it? See if it had been back, battered. I did not. And then on the way out, you know, you've got that look, we started the card called the e-hick card, which is what we would get you like free healthcare in Europe. Yeah. And then obviously we're no longer in the EU. So that's been replaced by something called

the G Hick card, the global health insurance card. Have you got one of these? I don't know. It's deeply embarrassing because it's got a huge union jack on it. Oh, God. It's like a really like. It's a jingoistic piece of stationery. Yeah, exactly.

And I thought, right, I think I'd take this. So I'd gone out and so waving at the receptionist, he didn't speak very good English, trying not to pay for this. And she just went, no, no, no, no, no. And I handed over my debit card. Artile meaning exactly. The King demands that you grant this man healthcare in all of injuredities and in all locations and free passage through your own. No, no. So you I mean absolutely pathetic stuff from from BP. You have to conclude. It's time to read your emails, but first we've had a version of our email jingle sent in by James from Texas. Crumbs. Thank you James from Texas. Excellent.

I assume he means the state rather than the band. I'll take it either way. They're back together. They're doing Glastonbury this year, opening Texas. Yeah. James writes, Dear Beans, attach as a cover of your wonderful email jingle that I whipped up on my banjo. Yes. Before you think of me as some sort of Trubodore, galavanting across the open prairie with my six-shooter at my hip and my five-string at my back, let it be known that I recorded this before my work from home job in finance. I prefer the first image. So, let's give it a listen.

When you send an email, you must get fans to the past vocals coming different. How does Shopkey do the Wells Fargo man bring me any parcels? Just a moshit. When you send an e-man, this rock presents broadgrass, like a robot sho chewing the holes. Emiyarhooth. BOOM! At the vomit. Damn robots. Oh!

Oh, that was... that was lush. Really nice, um... lovely fingerwork. Oh, that was that was lash really nice. Lovely finger work. Well, I mean, I had to wonder if I was listening to a bit of a scrub style claw hammer there. Henry, is that what you were about to do? Fuck, so come on mate. Please, please.

Just let it go. Just let it go by Just let it go by, Mike. Good finger work. That is that is enough. I respond to music on an emotional level, not on a sort of technocratic level. When you said nice finger work, it sounded radionaric as a compliment. Yes, effectively it was. I, which fingers are you talking about?

Are you talking about, I mean, is picking hand is fretting hand or what? The hand that human beings use to hold themselves and each other, the king's hand. There's no way Prince Charles could play the banjo with those fingers. There's no way he could do, he could do fret work as complex as that. It would just sound like the sound if you dropped a packet of sausages onto a drum with some nails on top. Well listen James the Texan, thank you for that, that was excellent. Yeah, thank you James. Thanks James. Okay, let's get into the emails.

I've not done a very good job. I normally sort of go through them and you are recovering from a squirrel attack Ben. Do not. Can you sell some slits? Don't push yourself. Okay, let's start with the bolicking then. Why not? Okay. This is just an. Don't push yourself. Okay, let's start with the ballicking then. Why not? Okay. This is just an abolicking of the week.

Accessing listener, ballicking. Looking. Ballicking loading. Ballicking loaded. Liam emails, this is a turbo concise Bollock. You said Hans Blix is dead. He is not, Bollocking delivered. Bollocking accepted.

Did we blitz blicks? I think it was me that said Hans, I was pretty sure that Hans Blix was dead. Yeah. Turns out I'm wrong. He IS a Swedish diplomat. I'm looking on the Wikipedia. How does he? Born in 1928, so 100 minus 8, that's 92. It's not 2020. Are you asking now, you're for now? You didn't say when you were asking for.

Oh yeah, sorry, for now. At the time of the court. By can't tell you tell you from his, Wikipedia page, which links to his website that he is now a wedding DJ. And it says here, Weapons of Mass Disco. It says here, Weapons of Mass Disco, I couldn't find the WMDs,

but what I did find was the groove. I could find a groove. I can't get rid of it What what are you talking about is that actually somebody called hands blicks running a disco or you know what? I was just having a bit of fun Bit less of that please Henry. Sorry. Hey Bill is going to die today. Yeah, this morning. It won't stop him running for president. I wouldn't. Of course not. And we've never done, we've never done a news flash.

Have we been on to it being sad? Well, it doesn't come out for two days, does it? Yeah, so if you want to predict a news flash for two days' time, we might get it right. Thousands, and we're hearing reports of thousands. In fact, tens of thousands of red squirrels are attacking Britain through the channel tunnel. The squirrels are calling it Operation Unfinished Business. Dr. Jacob Robinson emails. Dear beans, I'm Mark Amiles, 10 today on the 23rd of May 2023.

As of yesterday, I finally finished my stock of inferior Christmas 2022 jetnets. Ooh. This morning, I returned to the sweet vinegary bism. At Branson Pickle. Celebrate me. Dr. Jacob. Congratulations. Congratulations, Dr. Jacob.

You made it Jacob. You made it back to the home of Branson. The thick, gloopy tart sludge. It's always waiting for you, the unfinished jar of it, when other chutneys run low, when family made chutneys let you down. Abandoned for months. Has it gone off? Who can tell? Doesn't matter. The point is, don't ask when it's off. It already is.

It's off at the point of purchase. That's it's unique guarantee. You cannot go off when you're ready. Ah, best before before. Branstans guarantee. Thank you for all of your emails. If you'd like to contact us, you can do so by sending us an email to threebeanshallardpodabgmail.com. Please. It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon Patreon.com 4Sache 3P salad If you would like to listen to these episodes without adverts or you would like to listen to our monthly bonus episode, which is always very good, you can join up on our Patreon at patreon.com 4Sache 3Bene salad.

And if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you can shout out from Mike in the Sean Bean lounge. And Mike was there last night, wasn't he? I was indeed. And it's not all fun in games, is it? Mike, that's Sean Bean lounge, because it can't be. It was the annual June Deep Clean of the lounge. It was. It was indeed. Thank you Ben. And here's my report. There was a. Thank you Ben and his my report." There was a record attendance for this year's annual June Deep Clean of the Sean Bean Lounge. Perhaps because of community spirit, perhaps because John Hemingway had spread the word that it was Sean Bean himself who was to be Deep Cleaned. Luckily for Sean Bean, he'd

already been sandblasted earlier that day by Shelley Aindley and Allen, using the brand new non-stick expunginator 5000, available from the 3-been online merchandise stall for just 43999999. Sean Bean, therefore, was safely gleaming and the much-needed work on the lounge began a pace. Kater eager John and Thomas A. literally hit the ground running with their anti-carpet stain shoes. Craig Butters and Craig Brown, or as they're better known, the two bloaks with the same

initials, dewormed the necronic on-quiet zone. Peter Gillum picked a prawn up off the floor, but didn't know what to do with it because it was still alive. Emma Bremler-Lato and Peter Cron on the other hand, used a nanomop to wash a moth which meddling biolic then drove to Portsmouth Docks for Demaress to row it to the island of Sark where it was rehoused in Chornbeen, Sanctuary for Fall and Moths. Neil Screden and William Rhymer took care of the pube bird using anopechies homemade fragmentation grenades. Su's deloced Bradford Paluso causing Cade Russell to be loused by the overflow, leading magenta to fumigate Cade with a crate of jazz's sulfural fluoride that jazz had been saving

especially to deal with Dylan Hovey's Adelman's termites as a favour to Justin Reeves, whose most recent survey of Dylan had found him to be structurally unsound. Abon Brockman flushed the conservatory, Philly Esply shook out the inflatable casino, and Jack Noll's dredged the subacquatic disco cage and was able to return, met at the panda, Jade Miller, and Chad Sheep to their families. Dan Hill found Craig Patterson's sofa down the back of a sofa, and Charlie O'in, Gregory John, and Jenny Wilde were so distracted trying to untangle a drawful of old headphones that they were incapacitated and wrapped by Sean Beane's 50-Kilo cross-breed tarantula mastiff for consumption at a later date.

Meanwhile, Serena Jussuderson exfoliated the food court. John Hyden deodorized the Hyundai Memorial Suite. Frank Popham was on grouch-licking, Christian Dye self-varnished, Monocannon Matthew Gamble and Kiran Bradley gave a presentation summarizing the contents of eight metric tons of unread Sunday supplements, and Catherine Atkins drank a yacht that was nearly out of date. The Sean Bean Lounder was left so clean and shiny you could see your affection and its shoes. Thanks all. OK, the CS out a version of our theme tune as made by one of you lot, the listeners. This one's from Gentori Fisuto. Gentori writes, sentient found ham based artificial intelligence

was trained to rewrite the three bean salad theme tune. The results were, well, let's put it this way. The only thing keeping me from spending the rest of my life in a dungeon under the hage for crimes against humanity is the sophisticated VPN I've employed. Also crafted from okayed sentient ham. No idea what Gent, Jen, Jen,

solely for research purposes and not in any way for human consumption. I feel my duties to leak 300,000 bean salad and return to my bunker and pray for forgiveness for the thing I have unleashed Godspeed. Crumbs. Well, I'm excited. It's a big buildup. I don't comprehend what's happened here, but we will now listen to it. Thank you, Genturi. Thank you to everyone for listening. Thank you. Thank you. Bye. It's too late. It's too late. It's too late. It's too late. It's too late. I'm gonna have to go. I'm gonna have to go. I'm gonna have to go.

I'm gonna have to go. I'm gonna have to go. I'm gonna have to go. I'm gonna have to go. I'm gonna have to go. I'm gonna have to go. I'm gonna have to go. I'm gonna have to go.

I'm gonna have to go. I'm gonna have to go. I'm gonna have to go. ТРЕВОЖНАЯ МУЗЫКА ТРЕВОЖНАЯ МУЗЫКА So big of you, please, it's almost the rest of the episode. Thanks for listening, until next time. Goodbye. Goodbye.