Three Bean Salad - Teeth

Episode Date: September 7, 2022

Away we go for Season 6 which begins with the topic of teeth as suggested by Josh of Bremen. Tune in for tales of sea snakes, how close the world came to seeing its first coin-operated man and why you should be suspicious of anything that costs £78.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladLivestream tickets for our show in September: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/online-three-bean-salad/Get in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

Henry, do you agree with me that Mike is looking very healthy off the back of his trip to America? America! America! I'd like two tickets for the Chattanooga choo choo. America! America! Get me the DA. A slice of old mama's apple pie down the animal in New York City. Don't be ridiculous. You'll never be an actor in B movies. You'd be more likely to be president of the United States. Mr. Reagan. Burgers! The big landscapes of somehow kind of... I don't know. He's looking vital. He's looking... Yes, your trim. He's looking... I'm now a member of Alpha Omega Psi. I'm fully signed up. I've been on spring break, basically, and I've never felt like that. You do have a frat boy sort of glow about you. I've been to Tampa Bay, Connecticut. And you've got some dark, dark secrets. And that's really given me a spring in my step. It's nothing like a little bit of a dark secret to pet me out.

But I think it feels like with America, it could go either way. After some time in America, you could have either gone down the route of eating pink sludge out of a nozzle for the entire time. And it is quite hard in some places in America not to eat pink sludge out of a nozzle. Well, the nozzle belt. We're talking about the nozzle belt states. I mean, no one wanted to eat anything other than the nozzle belt in my family, so we just nozzle belted it on the whole. I was imagining that because you're looking, you're kind of glowing, you're looking healthy. You were then going the other way, which is entirely only eating like steamed crabs and crayfish and lobsters. Hot mollusks. Oh, no, I wish. I think that's what I would have liked, but I just went for the nozzle diet. So I think probably what you're not... It's probably not coming across on Zoom. It's not so much a healthy glow as a sort of more of a sort of toxic sort of over spill.

Oh, I see. Because quite often the body will look at its best just before like all the flesh falls off your bones and everything just goes... Exposing. Just before the explosion. Yeah, exactly. It's the light seeping through from my spine through my skin. That's what you're saying. It's the hot, hot bones. But yeah, that's why you can only see my upper half because Pam sneezed on my legs this morning. They just came clean off. You're a bit like that TV show. Is it a cake? You look almost exactly like Mike Wozniak, but you've got the consistency of a cake, right? Is it a cake or is it silent?

Or is it a silage cake? So guys, we've all been on our holidays and I thought we could maybe kick off with a feature that I like to call the Foreign Holiday Breakfast Hambuffet Update. Lovely little feature. I'm going to say I love this little jingle you've whizzed up for it. Oh, Henry! Yes, the summer may be over, but we'll always have those golden memories. The memories of the breakfast hams that we consumed. Whether German business traveller or Italian fun seeker, ham is always there for you at breakfast. The Foreign Holiday Breakfast Buffet Ham Update. Does that ham look right to you?

So we've all been to different parts of the world, each with their own distinct ham culture. It's time for a roundup. Now, I went to Greece and Albania. Lovely. Before we go there, what are you imagining the kind of ham culture is? Well, it's quite hot and rugged in the Balkans, right? So I'm imagining some quite chewy hams on the whole is what I'm thinking. Very sinewy beasts are going into that ham buffet. Well, I'm thinking we're talking about, it's going to be lamb hams, isn't it?

These are lamb. These are principally lamb. Ah, the rare Balkan lamb hams. It's going to be lamb hams because these are lamb cultures. We're talking about very, very sharp and steep sort of rocky hills, mountains. Yeah, skewered from birth. So actually grown up but sort of living the whole lives on the skewer. Exactly, yeah. And generally rotated up and down a mountain. Well, that really tenderizes the flesh, doesn't it?

A bit like those things that you roll your body on allegedly to tenderize your own flesh. Do you know those things? Yeah, sort of post-exercise balling. But also, it's very much the territory of the goat that can walk up a vertical wall, isn't it? It is. With your camera in his mouth. So I'm thinking quite tough lamb hams, yeah. As Mike suggested, quite sinew-y, I imagine.

Okay, okay. Well, the answer is, in Albania for breakfast, I was presented with a plate with no ham. Ham treasure hunt, just a chopped up tomato, big slab of feta cheese, an omelet, yeah. Bloody hell. You're saying that almost as if the omelet was a side dish, but I'm guessing the omelet was the main, wasn't it? Or was it on this mini omelet?

Sort of not, though, because it's really hard for me to describe this. There are cultures that see the omelet as a mini side dish. It'll happen in Japan, I think. Well, any of the non-omelet cultures. Any of the non-omelet cultures, they'll use it as they'll wrap things in it. They'll use it almost as a textile. I think the omelet on the plate was the largest constituent part, but the way it was presented to me and the way it was slapped down onto the plate

made it feel like it definitely was overshadowed by the tomato. Well, the tomato is very famously in that part of the world. The tomato. Oh. Those sun-gissed tomatoes. Oh, the tomatoes. Those are real tomatoes. Oh, those tomatoes.

Now, it's quite often said that, show me, if you want to know the heart of a chef, show me their omelet. Because that is, it's sort of like, it's the equivalent of a three-point turn with driving. It's like, if you can do that, you can basically nail it. Do you know what I mean? Like that.

If you can do that, you can basically drive. Yeah, you can three-point turn your way all the way from Bristol to Dundee if you want. Yeah, it'll take a long time, but you'll get there. It'll be quite wide turning circles. You can make it through a couple of shopping classes. You're going to absorb a lot of swearing on that route, so you're going to need a strong, strong constitution

mentally. But you'll get there. And also, if you can eat an omelet as you're doing it, that will keep you, give you the energy needed. Because an omelet is so easy that any chef can do it, right? Isn't that the idea? If they fuck up an omelet? Well, no, but that's the thing.

It's easy, but it's... Is it like the Chinese game go, easy to do, impossible to master? Is that what they say? I think it could be that, yeah, exactly. So it's almost like it's the most... It feels simple, but it's a bit like... The Chinese game go? It's a bit like...

You know what? It's actually a bit like the Chinese game go. Oh, yeah, what is that? And then it's quite... The basic rules are simple, but it's like a life... But it takes ages to get really good at it. And that's why people often say in China about the Chinese game go, that it's a bit like an omelet.

No, in that... Yeah, it feels easy on paper, doesn't it? You get a couple of eggs, yeah? You turn the yolk of the egg, the protein store for the chicken, the mini chicken, to emulsify that with the white encasement that protects the protein store. Where's it up? An egg, an egg.

You toss it up with a fork, get hot fat, get that into some hot fat in a pan. Clarity, by the way, is the theme of this season. We're just making sure that everyone is... Everyone possible is caught up at every stage. No one's getting left behind. Exactly. No one left behind.

So if you didn't know what an egg was at the beginning of this episode, you may soon know. Yeah, but the point being that actually there's a lot of... There's a lot of variety within that, and there's a whole spectrum of... You can have a melted cheese, so you can have a... Sometimes it goes horribly wrong,

and it's like a spongy... The whole thing becomes like an egg sponge if it's overcooked. And it's like, you can show true brilliance. It'd be like saying to Mozart, yes, you are a great composer. It'd be like saying to Mozart, do you want a game of the Chinese Game Go? Or we could just go out and get an omelet.

So anyway, what was the omelet like? Quite pillowy. Quite thick. One day out of six big thick black hair in it. That's not bad. No bad odds. One day out of six, there was a thick black hair in it.

Which, as you say, Mike, I think it's pretty good odds. No ham. No ham. But I did spend two days in Greece, and I'm now going to send you a photograph of the ham on offer, the buffet. OK.

So what we're looking at is a very standard hotel ham. Very standard hotel ham selection. It's standard. It also tells me that you're quite late to the buffet in the early riser on holiday, because at least two thirds of the hams have gone. No one's touched the breakfast sweet corn. Because why would you?

It's an absolutely crazy idea. Also, on the left, the rabbit turds haven't been flying off the shelf, have they? We'll have to share this image, I think. I don't know what those are, actually, Henry. You're right. Well, the dry rabbit turds. And you were wise to avoid them as well.

It's a workman-like, very basic breakfast buffet. It's very uninspired ham selection. I expect to see that in a youth hostel in the Netherlands as well. That is your right. It's the classic youth hostel Netherlands spread, and you can tell that by the sweet corn. I'm getting slight Swedish prison vibes off it. In the sense that, actually, it is a bit like a hotel in Swedish prison.

But, you know, at least they're looking after you well. You're going to have a good time in there in Swedish prison, I imagine. But they have done things like they've taken away any kind of lettuce decoration around the hams. And also, crucially, like the Swedish prisoners, these hams are definitely reformed hams. Oh, yeah. Nice.

Really, really nice. That's been a wordplay to kick off season six. I'm quite interested in the way they've been presented. They've been folded. Yes, each ham has been folded to create that kind of... Well, any good hotel knows that everything should... If you can fold it, you should fold it. Yeah.

That's how they get their stars. It's the amount of folding, isn't it? Yeah. Which is why it was hoteliers that first discovered you could only fold a towel eight times. Exactly right. If you fold it, you literally can't fold it any more than that. You know that it's true that you can't fold a piece of paper

more than eight times. Do you know that? I think that feels like a bollocking. That feels like the first bollocking of the series. If you try it, I mean, don't try it now, but... I think two things about that. One, I agree with Ben. I feel like a bollocking is a coming.

Yeah. Brace yourself. Two, I was always led to believe that it was seven. Oh, okay. Basically, you fold a piece of paper seven times. Eventually, to fold it an eighth time, it would have to become so tall that it would blow the roof off your house. So these hams have been folded in that way

with a little bit of give left and then put in a row, a bit like an Elizabethan ruff, isn't it? It's the ham ruff. You could make a ham ruff out of those. Yeah. Had I got down early... Yeah, you could have been wearing a ham ruff. There was a really big window.

I think it was six till 10. And I went down at 9.58. Oh, you're crazy. Those hams are going to dry right out there. The swimming pool, by then, is surrounded by people wearing ham ruffs. We've got the best spots. Yeah.

I wondered what was going on. I thought it was the kind of meat producers of Europe, Shakespeare conventions. No, they caught the worm, my friend. Yeah. So what we've got on the left is we've got quite a pink ham. It's got a little bit of sweat. I'd say it's been under lights for quite a while.

Oh, yeah. Under lights in a hot Mediterranean country. Yeah. By the window. They're almost... I imagine the same texture and consistency and wetness level as your thighs would have been, Ben. Let's not talk about my thighs because this is a true story.

I did so much walking when I was in Albania because I was on my own. It wasn't anything to do. I just went for long walks. And I kept finding things on Google Maps and then walking to them and not realizing that because Google Maps doesn't have topography, it was at the top of a like 4,000 feet tall mountain.

And my chubby, moist thighs inside my shorts, at one point it started bleeding. Oh, God. On the inside? On the inside. Yeah. Like a sort of stigmata type thing. But I don't think it's likely to trigger a world religion

in the same way. This experience of yours in Albania. They basically... My inner thighs were at all times I was there day or night. They were at a level of humidity and sort of slight moistness at all times. There was no dry moment. And so they just slowly denatured.

And you'd think that would actually make them bleed less, wouldn't you? Eventually. Because they're fully lubricated all the time. Did you try and protect them with the gauze of moist hams? Because those slices would have been... We don't know hams in Albania. That's what I'm talking about. Had I been somewhere else,

I would have slapped on the ham layer and kept this fresh. So these are the Greek hams you're showing us. These are Greek hams, yeah. Can I just quickly say, sorry, I just go back to the hams. Do you mind? No. Never.

No, please. This is after all the foreign holiday ham breakfast buffet. What you've got in the middle then is two white hams. And then on the right, we've got salami, which we can discount. You don't eat salami at breakfast, I mean... Also, not really a ham. Not really a ham.

No, those seven slices of salami have been there since 1992. We all know that. Everyone knows that. Yeah, they may in fact be waxed. They may not be... They've been put there to look like they were available. In fact, because it's on a white tray, it could actually be an A-flat.

It could just be a print. Someone's printed out a photo of some salamis from the internet. But the white hams... So this is an area which really, really... For some reason, it distresses me, which is your turkey hams and your sort of hammer-fired chicken. For some reason, as soon as the Venn diagram of ham crosses over... Of ham and poultry.

Poultry. I can't deal with that. It's very pale, isn't it? Very bleached out. I mean, it could even be hammer-fired cheese. We're looking at. I don't know. Exactly.

But it's the idea of how have you hammer-fired. Something that small. Exactly. You're looking at your breakfast and you know a strong hose has been involved. Yeah. Basically, Mike's been at the pink nozzle all August. That's just the next stage. If you pink nozzle that onto a cold plate,

it will form into the chicken-fired ham. I can't remember if I've talked about this on the pod or not, but I was once in New York having a lovely breakfast. A bacon and waffles and stuff. I think he might have done. And then the person said that it was turkey bacon, and I freaked out. I couldn't eat it.

I don't think you have told us that. Because it was turkey bacon. What are you talking about? Well, they have a whole other category there. They have a phrase, which is the least appetizing phrase in the universe, of breakfast meats. Oh, no.

It's just something about the... There's a whole section in the supermarket. Is breakfast meats. Breakfast meats. It's so vague. That's heinous. And it's a bit of a come one, come all as well. Breakfast meats.

So anything's welcome to join the slices of miscellaneous on the shelves. Any meat can be a breakfast meat. If you feed it through the right nozzle. Okay, Mike. So you were in the US, I assume at some point you would have come across some breakfast ham. Well, that's the thing. It's the breakfast meats, isn't it?

And you'd be... If you went out into a diner for breakfast or something, you might be offered... The choice is always immense, and you'd be offered, you know, which breakfast meats do you want? Waffles on rye or whatever. Are you sure you're actually going to America?

It sounds like quite a sort of collection of hock and cliches you've just given us there. We definitely went for some super sweet sort of sugar-based breakfasts on one occasion. Good man. You're awfully pancake type business. Pile of cream the size of your head,

that kind of thing. To start your day and end your day in one go, basically. But no breakfast hams, but I'm looking for specific hams here, right? I wasn't presented with a single breakfast ham, partly because we stayed with family for most of it. And also, we spent a couple of nights in New York

where we were in hotels that did not offer breakfast and certainly did not offer ham in any way, shape or form. You had to go out into New York City to find your ham. Can I use the words, End of an Empire? It feels like, you know, that for me is an obvious sign of decline. Well, it's been a tough few years for everybody,

hasn't it, across the globe. People aren't talking about it, but hotels in New England, broadly speaking, aren't offering ham. I couldn't tell you what's happening in the southern states, all the western seaboard. Perhaps if you know the ham situation, write in and let us know, yeah.

Do write in, do write in. People were very friendly, but they weren't offering ham. No, that's not true friend, you know, true friendship is silently sliding a plate of ham towards you. Just leaving it in a room for a few hours, knowing that you'll be there four hours later. Henry, you went to France, is that right?

I did, yeah. Of course you went to France. I of course went to France then. Mother France. Mother France. I'm just thinking if I had any breakfast ham. I ate quite a lot of ham. I didn't think I had any breakfast ham,

because it was continental breakfast, in the sense of crass on baguettes and jam I had every day. And I wasn't in a hotel. So I think, yeah. So you weren't staying in a place again where? Yeah, there was no buffet. Can I just say that my sex, this new section has been a failure.

Sorry, I was supposed to say something. I'm sorry. I think that is, yeah, Henry. Yeah, that's on us, I think. It's almost a shame you put so much work into that jinkle as well. Because we all knew we were all going on holiday. And it was perfectly reasonable of Ben to assume

that we'd all be seeking out the buffets of the world. And we messed it up for him. But I tell you what, if we can broaden the section to cured meats of the continent. Do you want me to do another jinkle? Yep. Cured meats of the continent. Let me hear you Bremen.

Does that ham look right to you? Well, I did see in a service station, I sent you both a photo of it, in a service station in France. Oh, you did, yeah. Oh, yeah. They were selling sausages, dried sausages,

sausage on sec. Mm-hmm. That were as tall as me, if I was only as tall as my... As that sausage. Make that sausage. They were as tall as a man who would come up to, or woman who would come up to my, you know,

above my pelvis, so halfway up my ribcage height. Really tall. Really long. Yeah, about a meter, maybe. It's really, really long, incredibly. Probably about as tall as a dog, where you're like, bloody hell, that dog's massive. No, no.

You know, there's really big ones when they get on the train, and you're like, what the fuck? That's like a horse. Do you mean tall, leg to back, or tall, tail to nose? Floor to top of head. Yeah, floor to top of head, yeah. Floor to top of head?

Which bit of the floor? The bottom of it. Put the floor directly under the head, otherwise we're on a diagonal. Okay. No, if your dog's standing up, crucially the dog's standing up there, it's not lying on the back of its head.

Depends which of the representational fallacies of the dog you want to go with. You go for a dog, hands down on its back legs, at which point this top leg's become arms. Or do you mean? Are you saying it's a fallacy that dogs can stand up? I think of the Vitruvian dog, yeah? So it's got its arms and its legs spread out on a star shape.

Draw a circle around it. And the radius of that circle, that's all. That's as big as that sausage. It's hard to talk about hiding animals, because humans are the only animals that stand on two feet. Because they keep nodding their head. Not a lot. And also they keep on getting on their back.

It's delightful. But it's very hard to be for a tailor making a super dog very hard. Feet to top of head is how humans measure height. But obviously feet to top of head for a dog, they're longer tail to nose generally than feet to head. Are you worried about which feet? Are you worried that we've chosen the back feet?

Additionally, I wasn't sure. Oh, I see. What's he doing with his feet? Ben, if you saw a dog as tall as that sausage, it wouldn't just be that as a tall dog. It would be fucking hell. What? No!

Can you see that dog? Thank God, you can see it. Oh, thank Jesus Christ. Now run! Run! Run! I'm not mad, but I am in danger. We all are. Run! That's the height of the dog.

It'd be fucking tall for a dog, mate. Unless the dog was also chunky. If the dog was really chunky, it'd be fine. It'd be just a big dog. You'd be less worried if it was a chunky dog. What? What? Yeah, because proportionally,

the height wouldn't be so weird. But if it was a slim dog, that was that tall. Once you'd be really freaked out by a really lanky dog. Yeah. Darling, that dog is so... It's like a big streak of piss. Run! It's like if Nicholas Lindhurst was a dog.

Can you imagine how much... How angular it's... Ah! So a rakish, stringy dog is the ultimate... Okay. No, but I'm talking about... Horrifying was... Whereas a big chunky dog is like,

you just go, that dog could definitely defeat me. In a game of go. Which is just like... An omelet. Perfect. The perfect intro. We've done it.

Everything was rounded off. All the themes were successfully ticked. And explored to the correct level. Yeah. I think it was clear that it was a big sausage. Yeah, basically, I found it very hard to explain, but it was just an incredibly long sausage.

I mean, probably about... Yeah, just say that. Just say that. It was an incredibly long, dry sausage was on sale on this service station. Did you buy one? I didn't actually. I just took four photos of it.

One of which I sent to you. I've got three more in the can, if you're interested at any point. I was thinking, entice you with the first one and then off to sell the next three. Yeah, sure. Well, I was trying to get...

It was very hard to get a photo to get a sense of the size as well, I found. We had to put that dog next to it. Do email in if you have your own August foreign holiday ham experiences. Yes. Yeah, maybe Ben can get a section

going properly with some people who are mean business, I guess. Yeah, who are actually putting the time in. I did chop up some hams and put them in a galette at one point. Sorry, Henry, that's not relevant. Sorry. You're all right.

Who do you want to hear about your apprenticeship? The fact that I'm now a member of the Galetteers Guild. Not interested in that either. Got my own livery. Got your own ham scissors. They've got their own ham scissors. And that's why I've got this melted cheese hat,

which looks like... It looks like a hat, but it's actually melted cheese. And your mushroom signet ring. I've got a mushroom signet ring. And that's why hot bacon lardons are falling out of my mouth whenever I speak. Because you get celery-free lardons when you join.

They just tumble out of you for the next couple of weeks. OK, so the kickoff of this series, as sent in by Josh Watts. Hello, Josh. From Bremen. It's teeth. Teeth, eh? They're one of those things, aren't they,

if you think about them for very long. It's not very nice, is it? Visible bones, visible bones, bones sticking out of your head. Look at your loved ones. They've got visible bones. Visible bones sticking out of their heads. I think the weird thing about teeth is

there's something weird about the way that, as a society, it's true of eyes as well. You have doctors who deal with every part of the body of our teeth and eyes. Yeah. And then you've got doctors who just do teeth and doctors who just do eyes.

Can I just add... Can I add feats to that, please? Because I wouldn't want... If my properties is listening to this, I wouldn't... And she is very much a doctor and a mentor and an absolute rock for me.

But if you're a doctor, right, you have to know about feet, I think, because you could go to your GP with a bad foot to do something about it. If you went to your GP with bad teeth, they'd laugh you out of there, they'd kick you out of there. And I think it's also quite fair as well.

Oh, come on then. Well, isn't it? I mean, well, unless you're a sort of 12-year-old or something, but I mean, if you're a freely grown adult, going to your GP with a tooth problem, I would think you should have heard of a dentist by now, surely.

Oh, no, but do you think it's fair that the system is such that you should have to go to a dentist? But can... I think you should be going to a barber. Yeah. He'll cut your hair, he'll pan your head

and pull out your teeth. I'll ask you about your holiday and lop bits of you off. And leech you up. Sort your bifogal prescription out all at the same time. Yeah. By just lopping your eyes off.

Where's the problem? Just do some lopping. And just lop it off. Just go to the barber for some pruning. Well, Mike, bring in what you just said. It feels like this might be the moment for me to bring up the time quite recently

when I went to my GP with a tooth problem. No. You chose your GP rather than a dentist. Well, I had a... But this is the thing, you'd been to a dentist first, hadn't you? I was alternating.

I kept on getting so many second and third opinions, it was very hard to keep track of them all. Weren't you at your wit's end? I was at my wit's blimmin' end, mate. Yeah. So I went to see a dentist. Then I went to see my GP.

Then I went to see another dentist. Then I went to see a different GP in the same practice. And I had two different opinions coming from my two different GPs in the same practice, who were both trying to undermine each other. They clearly been working together

for a long time and they were using me as a kind of proxy war. One of them was, it's nerve pain. And the other one was, it's tooth pain, nerve pain, tooth pain,

nerve tooth, nerve tooth. And I was an absolute muddle. Has that been resolved? Yeah, it sort of went away in the end, sort of. They just played for time. That's what GPs rely on a lot of the time, I think.

This thing is just going away. Every time you go to the GP, they've got their finger crossed behind their back going, this better just go away in two weeks. And as they're saying that, they're thinking, I can't wait for you to do the same.

So I can go back to buying garden furniture on my computer. GPs, of course, are famously at the moment under phenomenal pressure. So I think that's probably true with, you know, if they saw either of you

kind of a couple of young fit well malingoras, then yeah, absolutely. They'd want to get rid. I'm not a malingora. I just happen to be one of the very... No malingora thinks they're a malingora. In a way that almost proves it.

All right, then I am a malingora. Oh God, he's not a malingora. It's the ancient paradox. No, I'm not a malingora, mate. I just happen to be afflicted by a long and regular, almost constant series of quite minor health complaints. Basically my teeth were hurting.

I wasn't sure if it was my teeth, if it was muscles in my jaw. Eventually the pain went away, but I ended up in a situation where I couldn't open my mouth more than about five millimeters wide, about five mil. Yeah, five mil gob, sure.

About five mil gob. So you could only eat wafers. Wafers, I could eat those caramel, circular, compressed waffles that you get in coffee chains. Yeah, and whatever Bluebell regurgitates into your mouth. Exactly, so wet meats...

Cold wet meats from Bluebell. Silky thighs, Bluebell. There she flies, like a furry star. Classic and stylish, like a vintage car. You're gonna go far, Bluebell, Bluebell.

And it was like I had... My mouth was like a coin operator. It was like I became a coin operated person in that I could really only... Tubbances. I was eating mainly coin shaped food, so the circular waffles, crisps, very roughly...

Your discos, yeah. Exactly. I was eating those. Half an Oreo. Half an Oreo. So I'd slot that in, that would give me the energy to carry on with my day.

That would give me the energy to consult yes another doctor. And I remember things myself, it's a shame this isn't happening around Christmas time, because I could literally buy chocolate coins and I could literally become a coin operated person.

The whole thing started when I was eating a very large box of chips. It was the summer, so it was an outdoor event, and it was an outdoor metal, metallic tinfoil, sort of moulded tinfoil.

What? Box of chips. Okay. Yeah, you know, but it's really big. You talk about a bin, you find some chips in a bin. I didn't want to say it, Mike.

So basically, I was eating these little french fries, and there were loads of them, and as I was chewing, I was chewing on them quite, I didn't, I've been around me when I ate, I ate in a very frenetic,

very quick, quite unpleasant to be around me when I'm eating, I ate in a very frenetic way. I normally throw the shroud over what he's doing. Yeah, exactly, that's why. Yeah. He eats as if you're expecting

an imminent attack. Exactly. And that's why I now, all my friends have different shrouds they've made for me, and normally, Ben, you've got a local artist, and didn't you,

to weave a picture of me on it, so it's a bit like you're talking to me. It's a picture of a sated me, so me having eaten. I had to get a local sort of, she normally makes shrouds for cathedrals and that kind of thing, so you've got a kind of

beatific sort of, you've got like a halo. I'm carrying the Christ child, I believe, aren't I? You're circling the Christ child, yes. Yeah, and I've got a spear through my neck. It's like quite dark medieval art, isn't it? There's quite a lot of...

Yeah, there's over a hundred arrows on your side. Yeah. Anyway, so I was eating these chips, and I was eating them incredibly frenetically as I do, and basically my jaws, my teeth started to really hurt.

I started getting this incredible pain in my top left teeth area. But the trouble was... You wanted the chips. I wanted the chips, so I was like, I've got to really... It felt like the quicker I was eating the chips,

the more it was hurting, so I thought, I need to get this out of the way. It's as fast as possible. I really, really knuckle down and start chewing these chips intensely. So I was getting through them incredibly fast. The pain was like glowing.

I was like, the more I ate the chips, the more it hurt. That triggered then a kind of pain event, which lasted for several months, somewhere in my top left mouth. And I remember the third dentist I saw, the South African guy, and he really made me feel really confident.

He went, don't what? Do it. Uh-oh. Here we go. Don't what, mate? Was it bull right? The thing with South African is, you start Australian

and then you just bring it in a bit. Don't why? Don't bring it in. Don't what, mate? It's quite clipped. Don't what, mate? I am like a detective. A detective of the mouth.

And mark my words. We will get to the... Was it Russell Crowe? Don't worry, mate. Yeah. Just going to prop open your mouth with this panini. Sorry, Henry.

I cut off your... What was, I think, actually quite a good impression of a... He said, don't worry. He said, I see this job as being like a detective and I'll get to the bottom of the mystery in your mouth.

And so I felt really confident laid back and then half an alert he was like, I've no idea. Can you please leave? He just wanted me out of there because he... I became like a pariah in the dental community

because it was quite insulting to their egos, I think. Completely undermined his confidence. Completely undermined his... You were like the case that none of them could solve. They were all hitting the bars that evening and resigning in droves.

And as I was leaving, I think I heard him saying under his breath, you know, it's almost like I'm not a detective, actually. Maybe I'm not. And he took... I see he took off his drill bit and he threw it in the bin.

And he went on this... And the other one. And the other one. The little mini drill bit that I keep in my sock getting rid of that. And then he went on the intercom, he had Diana. Let's start removing all these

old-fashioned 1950s style cabinets, informational cabinets, firing cabinets. And the fan, the old metal fan. Let's get rid of all of it. I'm not like a detective. I'm just a dentist.

Let's face it. I don't have a ski in the drawer. I don't think there's any way. It's just for show. Yeah, it's made of wax. It's not real. But let's keep the magnifying glass. It's actually quite useful

for being a dentist. Actually, that is an area where the Venn diagram of the Two Skills does actually match up. And the tiny little... The tiny little mirror on the end of the stick

is quite good for checking for bombs underneath a toy car. Only a toy car, though. So, yeah. See, I did have a... So you confounded London's dental community. And they still don't know the answer. And what happened was

I start worrying about the dentist's ego. Because, eventually, they start to be... It starts to annoy them that they can't solve it. It's a bit like when I went scuba diving in Thailand years and years ago. Me and my friend,

we went scuba diving. We got taught scuba diving by the Australians. Strangely. Right. And an opportunity for another accent. Here we go. It does sound like

I'm currently looking for a new voice-over agent. And I was taking scuba diving by Margaret Thatcher. I tell you what. I don't believe in society. But I do believe in puffer fish. They're magnificent.

Up close. The way they live is extraordinary. And they all run their own businesses, in a way, in a sense. Well, they're self-employed, I suppose. They puff themselves. They puff themselves up.

And they don't need anyone else doing it for them. That was Margaret Thatcher slash Omnitory by Henry Bakker. I remember the guy operating the boat

out to the scuba diving. He was from Mongolia? He was from Mongolia, but he didn't say anything the whole trip. A quiet man. But I do remember his assistant

was a Scottish guy that kept on trying to get me to invest in safe, long-term, trustworthy banking. So what happened? Yeah, it's a similar thing in our scuba diving instructor, right?

During our first dive, so we'd done the practice bit in the pool, during our first dive, he went down to the bottom, to the seabed, to tie, I think, the anchor of the boat

onto something. To your leg. Henry, mate, you're going to love this one. What we do is, we tie the anchor to your leg, and I won't tell you the rest. I don't want to spoil it for you.

Just honestly, you're going to love it. It's the Houdini Half Price Package, right? Basically, he was on the bottom of the seabed. He was on the standing on the seabed tying up the anchor to the ground.

And basically, he'd warned us before we went out for our first dive. He went, listen, guys, the fish, they're on your side. They're generally good people. The only one you've got to watch out for is the sea snake. It's the most poisonous of all snakes.

But they're very rare. You're unlikely to see one. So don't worry about it. Anyway, as he was on the seabed tying up the anchor, a sea snake. What am I tying this with? Hang on a minute.

It's got a face. I assume it was a polka dot rope. I thought that Mongolian guy was getting creative with the rope. He's so quiet. I assume he's just been planning a vivacious looking rope. So, and basically,

we saw a sea snake. Me and my friends, swam through his legs. Oh, my God. And when you say through, you mean between his legs, right? Not through the flesh. You're saying that, Mike,

because as we've discussed, you are currently the texture of cave. I'm falling to pieces, yeah. You're falling to pieces. This is a sturdy, healthy scuba instructor. This is a sturdy, healthy Australian man.

It went through. It went between his legs. So we thought he was, like, showing off or something, like letting it go through his legs. Anyway, so we did dive. Then when we resurfaced, we said to him,

oh, my God, that was incredible. The sea snake went through your legs. And he's like, what? What are you talking about? A sea snake went through your leg. When you were on the bottom tying up the thing, a sea snake swam through your legs.

I was in crumb. He's like, no, it didn't. What? What are you talking about? What? No. What were you waiting for? And basically, it insulted

his ego so much as a scuba instructor that he'd missed us, at least going through his legs, that he was very, he basically gave us the cold shoulder for the rest of the holiday. On the way back, there was no banter.

He just looked at the horizon, thinking, Bill, I'm a dentist thinking, I'm not really detective, am I? I've always thought of myself as a detective of the day, but I had a sea snake right under my very nose.

I didn't see it. Do you think he believed you and he was horrified? You don't think he was, he didn't think you were trying to raz him up? I think he either thought we were making fun of him,

or I think probably secretly he did believe us and it was really insulting to his ego as a scuba instructor. Anyway, what I'm saying is it's similar with London's dentists in that... Wherever you go,

you catastrophically undermine the confidence of the professionals you encounter. Yeah. Yeah. And that's why all of those dentists at a point in the interaction did suggest

that I tie myself to an anchor and jump out of the window. Yeah, so it became a bit weird. I was sort of worrying about my teeth, but also worrying about the person who couldn't solve it. And there was one...

There was another dentist who... She was a... This was... I kept going higher and higher. She was a really advanced dentist. A bionic. She was like a bionic dentist.

I went to this one dentist. It was... It was almost quite futuristic and it was quite black mirror and it was all like glacial, beautiful women wafting around going, hello, sir, please welcome

to the hygiene zone. And... It was that kind of thing. And she had a special... She had a special camera and she went... I found it. And she found

a dark shadow in my top left rear tooth that none of the others had spotted. And again, I was like... And she went... She was actually from... She was genuinely from Eastern Europe. But you can pin that down, can't you, Henry,

with your voice skills? I can't even... I don't know where to start. Estonian? Yeah, Estonian. She was like... Britain educated. Alright.

University in Newcastle. Yeah. But didn't really mix with the locals had quite a sort of London set that she stuck with. I got fleeced by a dentist once when I lived in Tooting. It's a long old time ago.

I went for a sort of routine checkup because I've not been for a good few years. And this guy was like... Yeah, really sorry, but in your... One of your molars on the right there, we have found a little cavity there. It's going to need a filling.

And I'd never had a filling at that point and was devastated, mostly because I knew that my dentist home where I'd grown up would be so disappointed in me. I couldn't face the prospect of no sticker for you, seeing Amanda again. Exactly, no sticker from Amanda. Because you had 2020 chewing up in London,

and you were quite proud of that. Exactly. And he could see the tears welling up in my eyes and he said, don't worry, there's these brand new, brilliant fillings that are perfect, perfect whites, just like slightly off-white perfect food. So it'll blend in, it's camouflaged basically.

So no one will ever know. So I said, all right, I paid him 80 quid or something like that. And then several years later, was finally able to go and see... I was visiting my parents, I went to see Amanda, the old dentist, to face Amanda,

to tell her the truth and confess about the filling. And she said, come on, let's have a look. And she had a good old look around my gob. And there was no filling there. There were just teeth. What? There was nothing. He didn't do anything.

He did absolutely naff all. I got the Emperor's new filling, basically, from this guy. I didn't know what he did. He rummaged around. I'd never had a filling before, so I didn't know what it involved. He rummaged around,

he poked me a bit, it was slightly uncomfortable, five minutes, and that was it. Bloody hell. Did he also steal your wallet while you were doing it? Oh yeah, he did. He did all that.

He's been living under my name ever since. That's incredible. Yeah. But about three or four years had gone by. And there's no way I'd kept the receipt for that or anything like that. I knew where the dentist was, but I didn't live there anymore.

And I simply couldn't be asked to go and demonstrate with him. Did he have the furniture and the stuff? Did he have the... The whole thing, yeah, it was a proper, yeah. It was sort of like a little surgery above a shop, but it was a little waiting area.

There was a reception desk. It was a little... Had the big light. Had the dentist chair, the whole shebang. He was dressed as a dentist. Mike, if you had gone back, it would have just been an empty room with a

landline phone in the centre of the floor. And it would be ringing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you'd pick it up and they'd just be like, you want to really quit back? Here's what you've got to do. But when they did it, do they do any drilling?

Because the drilling is the main thing, right? They'd drill. Well, that's it. I was aware that there might be drilling. Also drilling, you know, drilling certainly to anyone who's sort of got the voice skills and may or may not be looking for a new agent.

It's quite an easy sound to fake, isn't it? I mean, what you're doing there, Henry, is you're putting yourself in the frame as the bogus dentist. With that perfect drill impression. It's such a... It's a strange sort of... If you're going to go for the life of crime,

a strange one to choose from, isn't it, fake dentist? I assume that he probably was a dentist. And that he would just decide he would take this out of this young student who he... Yeah, exactly. I think he saw a mug coming, didn't he?

This guy's already told me he hasn't been to the dentist in four years or whatever. He's not going back for another four years. He can't be bothered. Yeah, you let him know that you are not a regular visitor. That's why when you go, you have to say... When they say,

when did you last go to the dentist? You should say yesterday. Yeah. Or this morning. And I've got an appointment with the same highly trusted family dentist tomorrow afternoon. Okay?

Exactly. That's party. I was just... When I was a student living in London, I chipped my tooth. Oh, yeah. I think opening a beer bottle with my teeth, lads, lads, lads, right?

Lads will be lads. I tried that for the first time in a minute. Chipped a big part of my tooth off. But you were alleged, though? Well, I don't think I was because I think I just kind of went out through the tears, through the tears in the blood.

Yeah, exactly. I wasn't coolly throwing back my bottle of Heineken. Put it that way. You've turned that story into beer to make it sound cool. But the fact is, you were probably just removing the plastic wrapper off a new novel. So, no concocts.

What happened? And I went to the dentist and said, oh, I just did this and a big chip's come out of my front tooth. And I was pretty silly. I know, but here we are. And he just went, yeah, okay.

What do you want me to do about it? I was like, I don't know. But I assume you do. You do stuff, don't you? And he just went, no, let's leave it to be right. By this massive fucking chunk of my... He just was like,

well, I'm not going to do anything about it. It's not the Sistine Chapel ceiling, mate, is it? You know what I mean? You don't need to restore it. That was the vibe. You think your smile is so valuable that I need to do anything to it. Just live with it.

I just look like a toothless medieval peasant. It's quite a good approach to professional life. He presumably charged you for his time as well. Oh, yeah. For sure. Basically, as long as there's a call-out fee or an initial assessment fee, you don't need to do anything.

You don't need to do anything, do you? You just go, I don't think your house needs painting. Yeah. Give us 78 quid. And I'll be on my way. Yeah, that leak is terrible. You're going to need to call a proper plumber.

Thanks. That would be 78 quid. Cheers. As long as it's 78 quid, people will just feel they have to cough up. Or like Mike said, it's just make the right sound. Close the door,

make the right sounds. And then just leave. Yeah, exactly. Make the sounds of, you know, some builders chatting and painting away, just conjure it up quite realistically like, oh, boss, the old enamel. I wonder what they're talking about

in LBC at the moment. Hi, I'm Nick Ferrari. We've got someone calling from Wales. Oh, hello. Oh, God. Oh, we've lost him. The line's gone dead. The man of a thousand voices.

So did you get your tooth fixed in the end, Ben? No, basically it looked terrible for a couple of years, and then my teeth ground down to the level where it looked quite so bad. Oh, that's lovely. It's got lovely endings. Sorry. Yeah, so a bit of,

a bit of nocturnal sort of anxiety-based grinding. Sort of leveled it all off, basically. Leaving those bits of shell in the scrambled egg, just a bit of erosion, steadily every time. And you've got paper thin, but even teeth. Perfect.

That's correct. So that's actually quite a nice truth in that, isn't it? For example, if part of your paintwork is peeling in a room, if you wait long enough, all of the paintwork in here will be peeling, and it'll just... And so you'll go with that look.

And that's what you've done with your teeth. Basically, yes. You've got deconstructed teeth, as a design choice. What do you think for me? Just some old shit. Okay, time to read your emails. Thank you to everyone who sent us an email.

Let's start with some pompadou admin. Oh, yeah. Pompadou admin. Okay. Pompadou admin. I don't know if anyone's been accessing the Pompadou discount across the summer.

I'm sure some people have. We've had a few people get in contact to moot the idea that they could also offer their own Pompadou discount. There's a chance that this podcast becomes a kind of... We forget about all the rest of it, and it becomes a kind of Martin Lewis-style money-saving thing,

where we just get 15% off various stuff. Maybe that's what the world needs, you know? Maybe, yeah. Then it actually has a use. So, for example, Dr. P gets in touch, which sounds pretty shady. Hang on.

Thank you. Just pause. There's some real squealing happening. I'm just going to close the windows. There's some incredible squealing. There it is. Thank you. Very revealing, Henry.

What? Well, you know, what does one do when one hears squealing outside the window? Does one investigate? Does one simply shut the windows and continue? In London Town, you shut the windows and you go on with your life, because that's what's great about the city, Mike,

because we don't judge you. And we don't judge you even if you're being murdered. That is... That's your right, yeah? Whereas, oh, in Exeter, everyone's got an opinion, haven't they? Oh, maybe I should call the police. Oh.

Yeah? Whereas here, no, you get on with it. Dr. P writes, I feel motivated to embody the spirit of the beans and find a way I could offer my own pompadou discount. Alas, I have no wares to sell, but I am but a humble consultant neuropsychologist. OK.

So I could probably knock 15% off the price of a cognitive assessment. Cheerio, Dr. P. But the trouble is, then, if someone says pompadou in the middle of their cognitive assessment, will that skew the results? That's tricky.

What would happen during a cognitive assessment like that? Well, you need to ask Dr. P, really. I think of Rorschach-based... I think a lot of these shapes... Oh, I don't know. It'll be which of these... How does this shape make you feel? Do you remember that triangle I showed you earlier?

What shape was it? That's your mum, that is. Did I show it to you? Maybe not. And I think... There you go. It sounds like you could come to us for an even cheaper cognitive assessment, then.

I think these days, up to 90% to 95% of cognitive assessments, at the end of them, they'll go, you know what? Got your results in. It wasn't to do with the triangles. That was complete bullshit.

We are actually studying what you did with the sandwich we gave you during the break. It turns out this is all a marketing thing by M&S. They want to know, is their new prawn cocktail sauce too rich? Turns out it is, because you winced while eating it.

Bye. But you did finish it, so it wasn't a total failure. But you did finish it. So it's almost all... And you know things like that famous experiment where they got people

to turn up the electric shock on someone. Yeah. It's all that sort of stuff. So none of it's actually real. Do you know what I mean? It's almost always a testing for something else, not the thing that they say they're testing you for. Because if you test someone

for what you say that you're testing them for, you'll get skewed results. Because that person knows they're being tested for a certain thing. To get tested for what you want to be tested for, you just have to hope that the fake... Get enough tests for other things. And hope that it's actually a fake test

for the thing you want to be tested for. So it is a... Yes. Strictly, a strict area. And with 50% off, that means you can do more of those tests in the hope that you come around to the one that's actually useful.

Exactly. But also, even if it is the thing they're actually testing for, is the right thing. Again, 90% of those tests will be placebos anyway, so you won't have learnt anything.

Ian emails, he runs a fencing club in Nottingham. Fencing, would you say? And I have to compliment you on your fencing chat from the episode about swords. Oh. You're right. There were three different weapons

with the modern sport of fencing, and you got their names correct. Eventually, they are foil, APA, and Sabre. He writes, if I may do some self-promotion, listeners can find all the details of our club. Oh, hang on, this is an advert.

At www.ratcliffswordclub.co.uk, we might even be able to find some sort of listener discount on our beginner's course. Yes, although the trouble with that line of work is, you're in that situation where your customer could always be in the position of you get to the end of the class,

and you say, can you now please pay me for the sword fighting class? And they put the blade to your throat. No, sir, I shall not. Unless you want me to run you through your gizzard with this Sabre. Goodbye. And they gallop off.

So always get paid up front if it's anything like, even from judo, anything to do with archery. Yeah, gun lessons. Gun lessons. Get paid up front. Very good, Ian.

Hope it helps. And there's one last... I'm going to read this one out, but I've realised that essentially it's people with small businesses getting too bad for it. And there's one thing we don't support in this boss cast,

it's small businesses. And this is from Rebecca. She runs a sushi delivery service around South Wales called Sushi Wales. And you can get a pompadou discount using the discount code BEANS10. Anyway, sushiwales.com. This is the last free advert we're doing.

Good selection, though. It is a good evening, isn't it? It's a neuropsychology, fencing, sushi. It's pleasingly diverse. It's a full day, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Quite good. That's quite a good stag do weekend

or something, isn't it? You too? At what point do you do the cognitive assessment? At the beginning or the end? Well, before and after. I think both. See if it's changed.

Measure the impact of the stag do. Okay, let's go for listener bollocking of the week. Accessing listener bollocking. Bollocking loading. Bollocking loaded. This is from Matthias, not from Bremen,

but from Germany, but living in Norway. Dear Beans, it is with a heavy heart that I would like to issue a bollocking. I was surprised that Mike did not know the reason why Toledo is full of sword souvenir stalls.

The reason is that Toledo is one of the two premier sword manufacturing centres of the European Middle Ages. Wow. They are just privately proud of their city's long history in the making of stabbing implements.

The identity of the second centre leads me to my bollocking. Oh. It is, of course, Selingen in Germany. Given that Selingen provided much of Europe, including the UK, with blade blanks used to make swords,

it seems unfair to exclude Germany from the great sword cultures. Can you load a sword with blanks? Yeah, for practicing and stuff. So, basically, he's annoyed that we didn't mention Germany in the great sword cultures. Then he writes,

Germany, on the other hand, is probably the only country that practices actual sword jewels to the blood to this day. No. Come off it. He writes, seriously, look up academic fencing.

This will also explain why in old movies, Nazi officers all have scars on their faces. And then, final part of the bollocking, and to add insult to injury, you also didn't acknowledge the country as one of the great ham cultures,

despite the existence of black forest ham. Sincerely, Matthias. And that's the ham which you get inside a black forest gatto, isn't it? So, a lot going on there, but I think... Wow. I took...

Yeah, okay. Well, my suspicion is that Matthias is just a bit homesick, and that's why he's crotchety. Good point. But I don't want to make that worse, so I will... Personally, I'll accept that.

What's he actually accusing you of doing wrong? Are you just not mentioning Seligen? Gross negligence, I think, is ultimately the complaint. Yes, and I think, kind of... I think, Mikey, you should apologise to the great nation of Germany. In schulderung, is he better?

Very nice. Let's turn me light. Nicely done. Of course, a sword culture goes with a ham culture, in the same way that a gun culture goes with a nozzle culture. Uh-huh.

Just something to think about. And a catapult culture goes with really nice halloumi wraps. Lovely halloumi wraps. Lovely halloumi wraps. It's just the right amount of hummus in. Laura, emails. Hi, Beans.

I hope you're well. I just wanted to let Henry know that I named my Westie puppy after him. What? Wow. I can send you a photograph, Henry. Oh, well, I'm on there. I'll have a look as well.

Come on. Yeah, I'll put it in on what's that. Sure and sure like. Good grief. He's absolutely adorable. Look at him. Henry. He's unbelievable.

What a compliment. You've never looked that cute, Henry. I've never looked that cute, even when I had those proportions, which obviously I did as a child. And that white fur. The white fur. And that facial expression,

what would you say that is exactly? I think it's, I've just eaten my own shit. Yes. Yes, you're right. And I'm cool with it. And I'm cool with it. It's got exactly that sort of

a total abandon, isn't it? Yeah. Hey, it's a Sunday. Yeah. What are you going to do? I've eaten my own shit. It's like that, isn't it? It's like, I've done that

and you can't stop me. And I might do it again later. Yeah, he looks, he's very sweet. So Laura says, I binge listened to your podcast before getting a new dog and thought Henry was a smashing name. In fact, I'd go as far as to say

that the name inspired me to go and get a new puppy. Wow. So thank you. He's a delight. He has slightly more hair than been Henry. And it's probably just as amusing. Please see the pictures attached.

He says hi and woof to Pam and Bluebell. Very good. Thank you. All the best. Hello the new Henry. And maybe next week, Mike, we do the podcast with the dog Henry rather than... It's worth considering, isn't it?

Be short, sir. It can't be worse. I love all this. I do love all this. Well, yeah. When it comes to me and that dog Henry, certainly, you know, it could be said that, you know,

always a... L-I-C. You could say, couldn't you? One of them, one of them certainly has a demented look on his face. Spends most of his day not really achieving very much, sniffing similar beings' arses.

And likes nothing more than getting his face into a bowl of wet meat and tell you what, occasionally it gives off a slightly unpleasant smell. Here we go. But... Here we go. And bring it home.

And thank goodness, he's had his testicles removed. And the other one's me. No, no, no. I got that wrong. And the other one's the small dog. Oh, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye. The old switcheroo.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the old switcheroo. OK, yes, I see what you're saying. Yeah, you're saying that. What? Hang on. I thought you were trying to say that.

Oh, he's gone the other... What? Oh, he's gone the other way around. He means that... Oh, that's what he meant. Oh, what? So, what he said before wasn't actually... I thought it...

No, he's gone the other way around with it. Oh, God. It's the old switcheroo. Oh, yeah. So, it's worth doing that. Thanks, everyone. Thanks, everyone, who signed up on Patreon. Of course.

Thank you. Thank you very much. There are various tiers, but on the Seanbean tier, you get access to the Seanbean Lounge where Mike spent his evening last night. So, I did. And what a night it was.

It was, of course, the... I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. It was... It was, of course,

the annual antibacterial wipe ball. Such a wonderful event, isn't it? That's right. Oh. That's right. Hotly anticipated. And, yeah, here's my report. Last night in the Seanbean Lounge,

Seanbean was so clean, you could eat your dinner off him within reason, because it was the annual antibacterial wipe ball with music from Colby Shaft and the Primoisen towelettes. Ceremonial cleaning of Seanbean's hard-to-reach areas was performed by Peter Jensen, Laura Tui,

Ben Harding and Victoria, after which he was presented with an antique Alabama handkerchief, soaked in moonshine, by Taylor Vickers and Katie Gard, along with a cold Oshibori stolen from a Japanese restaurant by Rachel Kay.

Johnny Martin's Dylan Tully and Katie Parsons wowed Pekka's Seanbean as by ensuring that all the volivants tasted of eucalyptus, lemon, or hospital. Rose Lawler, assuming the event was fancy dressed, turned up as an airline mini-wipe and could only watch proceedings from the inside of a sealed cutlery package.

From there, she saw Matthew Blake perform the antibacterial foxtrot, Kingdom Steel's epic slam poem Don't Wipe Me, I'm a Good Bacterium, and Tim Larson's moving speech about the fact that it's got to be OK to talk about anal hygiene. Towards the end of the night,

as is traditional, Alex Matts, Scott Bowsher and Louise Griffin flushed every piece of wet-wipe-themed party paraphernalia down the bog, and then it was straight down the Seanbean lounge sewers with the rest of us for the annual Fatberg Melee. And we'd have been there for hours.

Were it not for Oliver Pell and Rookery setting sail in their brand-new, self-destructing, burgbusting drain frigate, the turd-tannock, Pell and Rookery remain unaccounted. Thanks all. I'm now to find out whose version of our theme tune

will be playing us out. We got this email from Charlie. Hi Beans. I was recently at a car boot sale in Aberystwyth and came across a box of old records. As I was rifling through them, one in particular stood out. It was a single, in a simple white envelope,

very old and tattered, and it had a drawing on it that looked like a blimp, but in the shape of a bean. I asked the woman who stole it was, and if she knew more about it. But when she looked at it, her eyes went really wide

and she just quickly said, I don't know. I didn't know I still had that. That's free, that one. You can have it. Please just take it and push it into my hands and hurry it off.

I got home. The cursed vinyl. I got home, plugged into my old record player, and then she's the record for the first time. Sorry, is she going to say she'd... But then she looked down

at her hands holding the record and she had two monkeys' hands. Because the cursed vinyl had been passed on. I think that was implicit. That was implicit, wasn't it? OK, go on. On the label was the same drawing of the bean-shaped blimp,

and underneath it was written, HP Test Pressing 1971. Anyway, I went to the effort of converting it to digital because I think you should hear this. So we'll use that to play us out. Thank you for listening. It's nice to be back.

Thank you. See you next week. Cheerio. Bye. Lots of wine with a vacuum on it. Put a hand-slice in it. Get an olive on it. I can feel it.

I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I feel it like a toothpaste. No! No! No! I can feel it.

I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it.