Three Bean Salad - The Arctic

Episode Date: March 8, 2023

This week your old friend Neil (of Bremen) sends the bean chat to the magisterial tundra of the Arctic. Nozzles, aisle seats and the future of powder all come into play. Also this is a tremendous episode for anyone hoping to hone their spatial awareness or sense of direction which, let’s be honest, is something very few other podcasts are offering right now.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladGet in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

Oh. Excellent. Sorry. All right. Microphone falling over. New system, which has failed me immediately. Have you got a new system? Is it new? Well, the microphone stand, it's wobbly. So it needs to be sort of put down. It needs to be steadied by something. And I've got a new system, which I was really confident about this. Is it not spy novels anymore? I assume it's about 20 spy novels. It's 20 spy novels. There's nothing more solid than that. Actually, it's Madder Jeffrey's Eastern vegetarian cooking. Oh, okay. That feels flimsy to me already, I'm afraid, compared to a Le Carré. Well, it was doubled up with something I found at my

father-in-law's house that I saw, and I thought was perfect, which is probably more in keeping with what I'd usually use is Michael Connelly's The Brass Verdict. For what was it that there wasn't? From the writer of the best cell of the unicorn lawyer? Is that what it says? Oh, disappointingly, it's the Lincoln lawyer. Oh, the unicorn lawyer, that would be so good. But where's the paperwork? I'll tell you where it is. It's over that fucking rainbow. It's over the rainbow. Yeah. Just because I'm a unicorn doesn't mean I ain't got attitude. Okay, to solve the case, we're gonna have to get very, very quietly through this balloon factory.

Oh, no. This will be my hard, toughest challenge yet, and I've left my unicorque at home. I normally cork. And they store all the balloons fully inflated. I don't know why they do that. And then they deflate them on the way to the shop. It's such a strange way to operate them. It's such a huge warehouse. It doesn't need to be this big. One of the overheads. So sorry, Mike, what was that book called? Hang on, I've got to steady the thing if I'm taking it off again. The Brass Verdict. Great. Hi, I'm Michael Brass. Wait, is he doing it along with the... Terry Cobalt. Meet Peter Zink. These two. It's gonna be electric. The sparks are gonna fly.

Dave Magnesium. All we need to do to survive is just jump off the ferry and swim to shore. But I'm Magnesium. Sparks will fly. The Magnesium dossier. What's he called the writer? Michael Connolly. Michael Connolly. The Brass Verdict. It's like the verdict alone wasn't solid and sort of thrusting enough. We need it to be a shiny metal, a strong, shiny metal. Hard and shiny. The Brass Verdict. Because it's always, as we know, we've discussed it, it's always the something-something, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. It's quite a big noise, I think. Michael Connolly. Did a big deal. I think so.

Do you think the three of us could successfully write one of those novels that would stand up? Can I say quick? Yes. Oh, I was about 100% on it. Definitely, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Including the and stand up bit. Which bit? Well, that would stand up. That was the bit that had me and I was about to bounce on it in the same way. Oh, it's come off it. It's not hard. Anyone can write one of those massive best sellers. That's what happens. Just got to pull your finger out, haven't you?

All it has to be, okay, look, very simple. All it has to be is a page turn, all right? That's what I want. So, all you have to do is make sure that the bottom right last sentence on any double page spread makes you want to open the next page spread. So, one option is I've actually chocolate coated. Make it chocolate coated. Another one is I've looked into which is you go, I've actually talked to publisher about this. There's some problems with financing it. But the idea is basically that the bottom right sentence is always if you turn over the senses, you'll get a code, which if you send it to this email address, you get 15% off shoes for the next five years.

Well, I'd set up a lot of different tie ends with your shoelace, people, kitchen utensil guys, fashion, sports, all different kind of industries. So essentially, you're literally incentivized to turn a page. Put in this code to get a code to send to an email to get a QR code. To get access to a newsletter, which you can unsubscribe from if you turn the next page. Yeah. So, it's literally about telling the pages, look, it's not rocket science. So, what I would do, what I do is last sentence of the right page. So, my main character is Gary Zink. And then Gary Zink at the bottom right hand of every page goes, oh, hang on. What's that? Oh, that's quite good.

Oh, so, okay, so you're using plot more like you're going to use plot mechanisms. Rather than commercial incentives. But I think what you'll hit up again. So, what's that? Watch this. Can I say, who's that? I've been through all this before because I've worked through that approach. Hang on, is that Michael J. Fox? That's the trouble is you have to keep on introducing celebrities and unexpected.

Is that a giant wasp? You have to keep on introducing and then your plot becomes more and more bulky. Is that a giant wasp or Elton John? It's a giant wasp riding Sir Elton John. Is that Stephen Seagal riding a wasp riding Elton John? Then what happens is your plot becomes unwieldy because you have to keep on working out ways to incorporate all these surprising additions. Scenes become bulky, hard to write. So, you know, that is tricky. So, that's why, I mean, another option is you do an animated, a small animated character that moves one step forward on each page at the bottom right.

You turn the whole thing into a flick book. You can flick book it. And then you don't have to read the thing at all. Then you don't have to read the thing at all. Yeah. Or you don't put any words in and it's a notebook. Yeah, that's increasing. The notebook protocol.

B-Y-O story. Yeah. The other genre that people think, I think, that they could do is your Mills and Boone. I don't think I know anyone who's had a stab at the old. No, you do. So, everyone knows someone who's had a stab, but they've obviously done it under a non-deplume. Of course.

Rosemary Fuck or whatever, you know. Are you? That's me, yeah. Another Rosemary Fuck classic. And Henry writes under the name Debra Boobs. Debra Boobs. Oh, you're Debra Boobs. Debra Boobs is back.

I loved Slippery MLP banging three. That was one. I think the key to writing those Mills and Boones books is that the male character always has very, very large, very, very hairy, very, very warm doctor's hands. There was something about Cyril. It was his hands, wasn't it? Those huge...

Tarantula lines. ...thickly, densely wooded with coarse black toothbrushy hair. Fingers like thighs, huge weight... That were able to measure internal body temperature. And it was that warm sense of being held by hairy doctor's hands. But then she knew he was the one. Like, it's always like this, isn't it? I think.

And they just dashed off by Debra Boobs in a morning. He was a fireman. He was a fireman, but he'd lost his hands in a fire incident and he'd had to have a hands transplant from a hairy doctor. He was the fireman with hairy doctor's hands. It was almost too perfect. Sure, that surgeon rude the day that he decided to give his own hands to the patient he was operating on.

Yeah, I think the way Mills and Boones books work is, in terms of the page-shining thing is, the page-shining thing is, you'll notice is towards the bottom right. So the last sentence, bottom right, will always be, and then she noticed his hands. They reminded her of something. What was it?

You turn over and it's hairy doctor's hands. It's tarantulas. Tarantulas? A medically qualified tarantula. A perfect man. It couldn't exist. Or could it? She gazed into his eight eyes.

Oh, shit, he is a tarantula. Oh, we're here now. They said our love could never be. And yet, she still thought she could make it happen. Just her and Cyril, and their 2,000 children, eating her. Over one. Horrific spring morning. Lewed content warning.

Lewed content, content, content. A rachna boner by Deborah Boones. They said they couldn't graft a human penis onto a... To a tarantula. The nine legged tarantula. Oh, God. The nine leg. Oh, God.

Come on, guys. This is Lewed content warning, isn't it? It's Lewed content warning. Yes, it is. Yes, play the jingle. Do you think we went too far with that bit? I said, what is our line? I sometimes wonder about that.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know, really. I was like, would I play this to my mother? And what's your answer? Because I wouldn't play it to your mother. The answer is, I've so far always been no, which is why I've never played it. Yeah, I think you come across very poorly.

Yeah, I would. Can I say something? Have I told you? I don't know if I've told you this. My mum has listened to the podcast. I don't know which episode. I told, probably don't listen to it. But she went rogue, and she's listened to the episodes.

And her note was... I thought you worked for Goldman Sachs. I thought you were the head of European investment strategy for Goldman Sachs. Had been for 25 years. Do you tell me you live in Frankfurt? We visited you every week in your flat. In Frankfurt.

We met your five German children. I'm looking at a photo of you right now with your golden locks falling over my shoulder. It's a lovely, lovely photo. And your father's on a zoom call with your wife. What's happening? And your five children? It's Wolf.

And both. The engineer, the athlete. And the chancellor of Germany. Chancellor of Germany, Harry Docher. I was the negotiator. Harry Docher and hostage negotiator. We thought you'd planned your oath to have every situation covered.

You'd have an oath for all occasions. Any of this true? I went orienteering with both. Who was that? I've been getting medical advice from Ulfina. I've been getting medical advice from Ulfina. I've been taking tablets that Ulfina sends me. And every time I take a tablet,

I believe in Ulfina slightly more. Wait a minute. These are gullibility tablets. And we were so proud of how you managed to, you know, steer Germany through the financial crisis. Can we not feel any of that pride? Do we have to dispose of all that pride, Henry? In which case?

You know what? Send me a bumper pack of those pills because I'd rather believe in the lie. Gaze upon your ghastly, decrepit, bold podcasting face. And those drawings, you're still doing your silly drawings, Henry! The fucking stupid drawings! We thought you'd become Ulferman that literally technically had been medically proven

that he couldn't draw. All he could draw was accurate financial forecasts. If he tried to draw a stupid little mouse, he'd end up coming up with a plan to save Marks and Spencer's. A long-term strategy for saving the high street. Anyway, I can't remember what I was on about now. Ben, something I've noticed is, is it the case that your left lens on your glasses is steamed up

and not your right lens? I noticed this last time we podcasted. I didn't mention it because I thought it was the one-off freak steam, some sort of freak steam event. Sort of left lens steam. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's because most of the hot release events

of the bean machine are on the left side, aren't they, Ben? Oh, that is what it is. Okay, so gradually. So the awkward smog pours out of my left side? Okay, yes. Yeah, out of the scope vent. And on the right is where you release the sort of the sump valves for the liquid effluent?

That's the liquid. Yeah, that's the liquid. So that's why your left lens is, and it looks like some cheeky local youngsters have written some insults in the steam, haven't they? Because you do suffer a bit from graffiti, don't you, now, with the bean machine, don't you? People do graffiti, yeah.

But they are dealt with. Yeah, yeah. We've brought in a team of ex-commandos who guard it. And they have no scruples, really. I watched one of them last week symbolically and literally tearing up the Geneva Convention in front of a teenager, just to let him know exactly what he's in for. And they've had to talk through to the teenager what that was first,

obviously, and probably read it in full, so they understood the implications of the taking up the action. So it was all the more chilling. Yeah. But even if they get past the commandos, then, I mean, they're foolish enough to physically touch your surface with bare skin. I mean, they're in deep shit.

The moist service of the bean machine. And of course, you start off with a teenager who's, as Mike says, doesn't care about the Geneva Convention and never will, unless it becomes some sort of TikTok dance craze or some such. I joined TikTok, by the way, a couple of weeks ago. It's absolutely bewildering. So you're doing dances in your kitchen, where you mouth, no, you do the mouth thing to songs.

No. I can't picture you doing that. And then are you doing these where you suddenly, you click and suddenly you're wearing a bikini? Are you doing that? No. I just don't know that it's sort of have a look. Yeah.

And it's completely bewildering. Like, it's the first time in my life that I felt like a new thing has come along that I'm not going to be involved. Like, do you know what I mean? Like, that feels like a ruby one. Is that one you're not going to cross it? That's quite crushing. Yeah.

Because you've normally been the one of us who's quite on it with these things. Yeah. So basically, we all know a man called Gareth, right? Oh, yeah. He was like, it's actually quite good. That's what he was saying. And he was saying, the reason it's good is it's got this, it's hyper great algorithm that basically very quickly works out what you want to see.

Yeah. And as it's such a degree that before you know it, you're just watching everything you see is like, yes, I do want to watch this. Yeah. Right. And at the same time, the Chinese secret service at the exact same moment. At tying my family to an air balloon and sending it across the Pacific. Yeah.

Because that was part of the terms and conditions. Yeah. So you didn't read and you tick the box. Yeah. Well, your entire family gets attached to an air balloon. And at the same time, your worst, so your greatest enemy is sent an air rifle. And the coordinates of the trajectory of that air balloon's journey. So that actually, once it happens, the Chinese government are clean.

It can't be proved. Because all it is, is that Ben's greatest foe, so for Ben, obviously it's Nigel Havers, has killed his family, which for the police, that's just an open and shut case, isn't it? It's Havers again. He's killed someone's family. We can't lock him up. We can't do anything about it.

So he did it from a coracle in the Bristol Channel? No jury will convict Havers. No jury will convict Havers. He is unimprisonable. He's the Teflon Nigel. Absolutely. Yeah. All we can do is the Teflon Plaintiff by Mike Wozniak.

The Havers paradox. You know, but what they do, Ben, the way your security team deal with these teenagers that graffiti you, because it's not nice stuff. It's things like you're of our monstrosity. You should be melted down, isn't it? Oh, it's vicious, vicious stuff. It's not nice stuff. These teenagers don't care about anything.

They don't care about the Geneva Convention. You'd be lucky if they'd have heard of Rommel, let alone could draw him. They've got no sense of history or context. These days, try and find the teenagers that can draw you a good Rommel. That's where this country's gone wrong. They could do a brass dropping on a statuette tops. And that's why we obviously misjudged the tech scene, didn't we? 10 years ago when we thought it's either going to go with Snapchat or our app, which is Rommelfun,

where you can draw a picture of Rommel on the way to work, you can share it with other people's Rommels. Draw him jumping over a hurdle. Draw him playing a clarinet. And you can link up with someone. You could be in the UK on the way to work. You could link up with someone. I know, it's all random.

I don't know. A 70-year-old in Singapore or a Dutch 14-year-old, whoever, they could be drawing Rommels if you decide to inter-Rommel. You press a special button and all your Rommels get combined. Don't they interfacially into something that into a, well, a Franken-Rommel. And anyway, it was all a lot of fun. Didn't catch on because that's not what the kids want. Anyway.

Well, we only had five subscribers in the end, didn't we? That's right. There was that 70-year-old in Singapore and there was that 14-year-old in the Netherlands. That's right. And the other three were all descendants of Rommel. And frankly, I don't think they're ready for the right reasons. So TikTok tells you it's going to work out what you want to see. And Gareth said, it's really good at this.

But I don't know if I want that. I don't know if I want that mirror held up to me, necessarily. Well, this is what happened to me. So for me, after a week or two, all I get, all I get is videos which are like the audio of planes talking to air traffic control when they're getting into difficulty. Oh my God. That is so Benjamin.

Didn't see that low-pressure front coming, did you? You with your fancy uniform and your epaulettes and your little suit, your little briefcase. Yeah. And I bet you enjoyed strutting through Gatwick Terminal 3, like you were some sort of superstar. So basically aviation near misses and the 80-pound Grinch, that's what really does it for you.

OK, time to turn on the beam machine. Yes, please. This week's topic as sent in by Neil. Into us, which we will now try to discuss. Thank you, Neil, for sending in our topic this week, the Arctic. OK, for once and for all, can somebody come up with a mnemonic for me that helps me remember how to say mnemonic? Because I'm struggle every time.

No, like to remember which is the Arctic, which is the Antarctic. Is there a way to just like a handy way to remember? And then it'll be done. It'll be done in just as an issue. Here we go. So ants can carry heavy loads on their backs. For example, the Earth itself. Oh, that's brilliant.

You see, I'll never forget that now. Is it true, though, or is it the other way around? Because a lot of my mnemonics work by me going, think of it that way. That makes sense, doesn't it? But it's the opposite. And then it's like, is this one of the opposite ones or one of the not-opposite ones?

Then there are all kinds of problems. So that's really good, the Antarctic. Also, Henry, you tap into a wider problem with the Antarctic Arctic top-bottom thing. Who says it's the top? I think you'll find Queen Victoria. Thanks very much. Rest in peace.

And if it's good enough for her, it's good enough. For all of her territories. Open your minds, guys. Who says it's the top? You're right. Who says it's not like the left? The left pole. The left pole.

Also, the other thing is every few millennia or so, the poles flip, don't they? So the whole Earth flips round one, which means the Antarctic will actually be the Arctic. All the dinosaurs fall off. All the dinosaurs fall off. And only snakes that are traveling directly left or right across the equator itself are unaffected.

I'm going to read out an email we got because this pertains to what we're talking about. So do you remember a few weeks ago, Henry talked about learning the difference between left and right? Yes. Yes. And then I believe Henry recounted to us an emotional scene in which his father, in a foreign town square,

made him point left, then turned around and said, which way is left now, my son? And Henry got the true knowledge of the universe. The scales fell from his eyes. The fig leaf fell from his cock and balls and he became a fully rounded human and a horrified one as well. And then he says to me, now imagine the concept of left is your mum.

Now, I hope you understand what I have to do right now. And he got onto his Harley Davidson and he disappeared over the horizon, never saw him again. And is that when you started pretending that you lived in Frankfurt and you had five children? That was around about that time it all started, yeah. It was a coping mechanism. Anyway, so yes, Henry talks about the childhood realization

that left is kind of every direction, depending on which way you stand. And Mike said, thank goodness for up and down. And so this is an email from Alistair. He says, Mike says, thank goodness for up and down. And there was unanimous agreement on those being relied upon. You can rely on up and down. Yeah, because I said it with the total certainty.

Of a white middle-aged man, exactly. Provincial man, yeah. This is right. Yeah, and middle-aged provincial men run the world, always have done. Probably always will. Well, I did hear that we might be in a bit of trouble about that. Anyway, sorry, that's something else.

It'll blow over, go on. Yes, sorry. Alistair writes, down is fine. Okay. Technically, down is truer than any surface point, because we'd all be pointing, if we all pointed down, we'd all be pointing in exactly the same spot.

Yes, it's the gravitational vanishing point in a way, isn't it? It's just where gravity is trying to get you. What if you're pointing past down? What if you're pointing down all the way through? If you're pointing down towards the center, but actually you're pointing at something on the other side, it's a bit further down. You're not then pointing up.

It might be to an up on Mars. In a single point. Is he saying you can point down and up at the same time? Also, what's the stop point on a point? How far are you pointing? One of the reasons of pointing is such an inefficient way of, because how far are you pointing? If I'm trying to point to New Zealand from here,

am I initially pointing down? Bit of advice, Mike, please. Probably don't try and pull apart the part where he's actually saying you were right. Oh, no. Okay, just take the win. I'll back it off. Can I?

Because it might have brought up an interesting subtopic here, which is that pointing is not only rude, it's also inefficient as a way of expressing yourself, which is why I think that one of the first, obviously, I'm interested in AI. I think it's going to be a bit of a theme for this series, possibly. It's such a fascinating sector. I'm also interested in semi-organic,

well, cybernetic enhancements, we call them. Oh, that's what that is on your face. The little screen showing the weather. That's right, yeah. A little touchscreen cheek. Yeah, but it's asking if I want to order some dishwasher tablets. Yeah, but please don't. I've got more of those I can hand up at the moment.

It's currently, it's stuck on that. All it's doing is looking for shablets at the moment, which is, yeah, well, I'm having to try and reimagine them as different things and sell them. I'm trying to sell them as very, very small bricks to zoos, which- Very fizzy sweets. Or small bricks for any reptile houses or any zoos where they build little homes for terrapins, etc.

But, of course, they react with water so that- You can't get them wet, though. You can't get them wet and try telling that to a terrapin when he's coming home after a long day of- He's just moved into a new build. He's told him, sorry, this is one of those ones you can't get wet. He moved into a new one, he's going to make his life easier. Finally, something that actually works.

He's been living in a Victorian sewer for years. So anyway, yeah, so that's one enhancement I got on my left cheek. And this one on my right cheek, she did it a few years ago. It looks to all the world like I've stapled the filofax to my right cheek. But actually, those aren't staples. Those are industrial rivets. That filofax ain't going nowhere. It's a 2019 filofax.

And one day, hopefully, the technology will exist that you can change that calendar. That's right. But for now, all I can use it for is the tube map, which obviously doesn't have the Elizabeth line. So one of the cybernetic enhancements I think probably will happen with humankind is, because as Mike pointed out, if you're pointing at something, you're trying to identify an object or person or thing so that you can share information about them with a friend or colleague.

Well, you're usually saying, season. Yeah, often you'll be saying season. I think what would be quite interesting would be if your finger, when you point, could then actually emit a bit like a Spider-Man, a sort of glossy, you might have to use spider technology, in fact, a glossy silky thread that has a, and actually attaches itself to what you're pointing at. Then it's clear what it is you're pointing at, because they're joined to you by a... Unless you miss.

Unless you miss. And you just attach yourself to a moving number 47 bus. Yeah. Yeah, what if you're pointing at a plane? Yeah, then there will always be casualties in progress. Anyway, should I finish this email? Yeah, go on. Oh, go on, yeah.

So as it points out, pointing down is okay. Everyone's pointing at the same spot. So thank goodness for up and down. Mike's half right. However, if everyone on the planet pointed up, everyone would be pointing in different directions. That's good. I like that.

It's the old left problem again, Mike. It's quite a nice image. It's the old hedgehog daybark, isn't it? When a hedgehog's in ball form trying to protect itself. Which way is it pointing? Which way is it pointing? The hunter is befuddled, isn't it? And that's the owl or the snake or whoever it is.

Anyway, thank you for that email, Alistair. Yeah, nice. Why don't we fly over the top? Yeah, that's a good question. Do we not? No, we don't, do we? We sort of do to an extent, but we don't go right over the top. Maybe it's in case you need to land in a hurry,

in case someone's gone into labor or whatever it is. When I flew to LA a few years ago, I looked out the window idly about halfway through, and it was just all snow. And we were going over the top of Canada, and it was so great. Wow, that sounds nice. I always think that with planes where you're like, I would pay for this.

Yeah. I'd pay just to see this from a plane. I had to go over the Grand Canyon once. I was absolutely thrilled. Yeah, exactly. I can't believe my luck. Yeah, I think like, I always used to go for the window seat. I don't anymore.

I think that's the sort of sign of losing your love of the wonder of the world. It's quite sad, I don't know why, isn't it? You want the leg room these days, do you? I want leg room access to the toilet. You want to be first on the lunch truck. Going to the toilet. And it's sort of a trade-off we make in our lives, isn't it? And initially, it's the wonder of the world,

the magnificence of this planet, the glory of the Alps. The deserts. The deserts. Just the endless ocean. The endless ocean. And it's teeming life. The sparkling jewels as if tossed onto a velvet drape that are the twinkling lights of a city.

Of Milton Keynes. And it's many stories. But at the same time, I'm going to have to say excuse me to someone if I need to go to the toilet. Those are the things you're weighing up, isn't it? It's the glory of clouds, marshmallow castles in the sky. Versus making them have to press pause on gladiator. Excuse me, I'm not sure.

Which way do you face when you're passing someone? Do you face towards them or towards the front? And is it right to ask? Yeah. Ask or crotch. You ask or crotch? Yeah. It's also crotch.

Also, is another person next to him, are they pretending to be asleep or are they actually asleep? If I had to go past them and they pretend to be asleep, does that mean they're going to have to pretend to wake up? That's a confused question. That's quite a hard thing to do. I don't want to put them in that situation. It's a bit awkward, isn't it?

So gradually, eventually you end up in the aisle, don't you? Versus, I can see the very heavens. The heavens above and the land below. I can see the coverage of the earth. This beautiful marble. This wondrous globe spinning in an infinity of possibilities. But at the same time, if there's only one twix left and I'm sitting near a trolley, I'll get the last twix, potentially.

That's the bloody train of us, isn't it? So I never go windowsuits anymore, but there's a little bit of me. There's a little voice in me. There's a child in me. Henry, hello. Maybe I can tell the pilots. It's my birthday and I can go and sit in the cockpit.

Still here, Henry. I'm still here. Maybe you want to say, look at the wonder of the world. Quiet. I want a twix and a shit. That's what I want to get out of this journey. I want a bird's eye view of Ren, Henry. I never did the tour of the pilots.

Cockpit is okay. Did you, I would do that? No, I didn't go on a plane really until I was an adult, pretty much. So it was too late. Yeah, did it, but it's no big deal. Did you? I did you, you get it. Yeah, sure, there's no big deal.

It's just you get to go. But of course, Mike, a young, even a young nine-year-old, Mike, you obviously had the former star, and everything was pretty much the same about you. You looked like a pilot. You turn up with your pilot's captain's hat, you know, your aviators on. They let you straight in.

Exactly, yeah. You look like you mean it. They're going to invite you up, sure they are. You help out a bit. You could do some voluntary work with a cabin crew, partly for your DV bronze. Sure, but partly just to let them know that you're part of the team. You tow the line.

You nine-year-old, Mike, you put your seatbelt on straight away. You don't just wait to be asked. You put your cigarette out before they start the engines. They see you're a team player. That's how you get invited up. Did you let loose a couple of Sidewinder missiles? They've all got them, haven't they? They've all got them.

Aerobatics, sure. A couple of loop-the-loopers. Bit of a bawdy banter with the co-pilot. I imagine you'd have got stuck into that. And briefly got to strafe Madeira, which was quite fun. Yes, the strafing of Madeira. But it was a different time. It was a different time.

Yeah, in the 80s, anything went really. But also, you know, the other thing is I used to... I've had phases of being really scared of flying. And now it's like, yeah, I've just become... Yeah, it's becoming... I've lost the wonderment of it and the fear. I think those two things get at the same time, strangely. Because before it was the wonderment looking out the window,

but it was also very much as a child, it was, yeah, it was, how dare we? How dare we think that we can... We've conquered the world. We've conquered nature. And now, must we conquer the very sky? Well, what will be enough? Henry, just each...

Can you just read your Bino, please? I'm just trying to sleep. It was only fairly recently that I switched from the idea that airports are quite exciting places to... Oh, fuck, I've got to go to a fucking airport. This is... Yeah. But that happened really recently.

Like, until maybe a couple of years ago, it was still like, oh, I can go to... Go to the weather spoons and have breakfast. Oh, I can go to the boots and buy a mini shampoo. Do you know what I mean? I had a bit of that around me. That's gone. Don't know where it's gone, but now it's just...

Oh, God. You're more likely to be able to work the angles on your parents in the airport as well. That sort of magazine you don't really need, that little snack treat you don't really need, you're going to... They're panicking. You know, they've got off for however many hours ahead of them.

They just want to play it safe. They'll throw money at the problem if they can. It's a very powerful, bargaining position. I think part of the reason I used to like airports as an adult was slightly cosplaying the idea of being an international businessman. So not a spy or an adventurer or... No, no, no, no. No, just a guy selling...

It's very much the guy they bring in for strategy. Yeah? Yeah, exactly. We've got to sell 5,000 of these nozzles into the EU. Perhaps one day, Benjamin, I will really be an international class auditor. Nozzlecon 1997. This is your moment, Ben. Be the best.

Make sure your blackberry's fully charged. Yep. I've got the D. I've got the case with the display nozzle and the actual nozzle. Oh, no. Oh, no, they've got mixed up during that turbulence. I didn't know which one's the display nozzle and which one's the nozzle.

Oh, no, this is the last thing I need. You have to chew it and relax. I chew it in a cigarette. Ideally, every drink of orangeina across the EU should be served via one of our nozzles by 2020. Come on. And the future of humanity is going to be nozzles. Sure, there's some crazy kids talking about this thing called the internet.

I've got a stick with it. It's going to be nozzle-based. We're going to have it. It's going to be a nozzle-based society. Because what does a nozzle do? It compresses a large amorphous mass of produce into a targeted thread of liquid paste or hot gas. Hot gas.

And if the nozzle 5,000 works, one day, powder itself. That's right. Powder. Powdered knowledge. Powdered knowledge. If we can conquer the four types of matter, that's paste, liquid, hot gas, and powder, then the nozzle will be the one universal product that every human on earth will have.

Again, they're saying similar things about the internet. I think it's going to be nozzles. If we can take the IP, for example, we can take the music of the Beatles, or we have to turn it into the equivalent paste, compress it, use hot pressure to target it out of that nozzle into your ears, into your mouth. Thank you, nozzle-con.

Thank you. Thank you, nozzle-con. Wake up, Mr. Partridge. Wake up, Mr. Partridge. What? That was all a dream. Yes. I'm afraid so.

You, one of your nozzles exploded. During takeoff. So I do have nozzles. You do have nozzles, don't you? That wasn't a dream. You do also have this 400-metre say yes-all to the nozzle banner as well, which we're not going to let you put up. I'm afraid that's going to stay in your garage.

Y-E-S-Z-Z-L-E you went for. But no, I'm afraid you've been injured. These nozzles are unsafe. Nozzles are now pregnant to be banned. Okay, time to read your emails. We've had a version of the email Jingle sent in. By Nathaniel from Bre Medinbra. Oh, thank you, Nathaniel.

He writes, when I first heard your call for arms for new Jingles, I was strangely inspired. I have no idea why I was inspired, because I have no musical experience whatsoever, apart from once using GarageBand in 2010. So, more than some. So, this isn't really a version of the email Jingle, as we know it. He's kind of made his own thing, which I'm going to discourage.

Yeah, it's not about the blossoming of creativity, is it? It's about the celebration of Benjamin Partridge's Jingles. It's about paying tribute to my original work, yes. It's about a kind of a creative tithe, isn't it, being paid. So, the closer you can cleave to the original material. We're saying music is complete, so you need to get in line. Look, guys, you're going to mess it up, right? But by all means, have a crack.

And I understand that Nathaniel felt he probably couldn't come near what has been created. You know, no, it's like trying to make Notre Dame Cathedral on your own. Yeah. Yeah. Using old bits of polystyrene. It's not possible. And Ben, you often describe yourself, don't you, as a Mozart in a world of salieries. Anyway, thank you Nathaniel for sending it in.

Let's listen to Nathaniel's Jingle. Okay. You ready? Yep. Thank you to everyone who sent us an email. We'd love to read your emails. Emails! Bollocking.

Flashback. Bollocking them off a balcony. Dirty bollocks. Bollocks are ones from space. Space 1-6. Next bollocking! Ben, I think we've just, we've just heard your funeral march. Haven't we?

What better way to celebrate? Yeah, that was very good, Nathaniel. Thank you very much. That was superb. It's time for Listener Bollocking of the Week. Accessing listener Bollocking. Bollocking loading. This harks back to an episode from our previous series, the one that we made about the film that we shall not mention any more.

And this is, I think, one of the most, the biggest weight of Bollock we've got on any topic. Oh, really? In terms of sheer metric Bollockage. Yeah, it was a sustained barrage of Bollock. And I think it's because it appeals very much to our Bollock audience, who are the PhD level scientists who are confident that they can say something is right or wrong. Do you know what I mean? They live in a world of binary yeses and noes.

That's right. Everything's back in white, it's binary, it's ones and zeros, there's no gray area whatsoever. These people have a different mindset from ours. We, of course, are creative types. These people, if you ask them to sketch a woodland scene, we'll simply draw a series of squares. You'll say to them, what's that square? And they'll say, yes. Do you mean, they just see the world in a different way?

They'll just spontaneously draw a spontaneous relief map, perfectly proportioned. That's right. And also a series of guidelines and diagrams about how to quickly and efficiently destroy a rabbit colony. So we've had, I haven't counted, but maybe like 30 emails on this topic? Wow. I'm just going to read out one. This is from Dr. Harry Reynolds. High beans during your most recent episode on the film we won't mention.

You were referring to how a small child was positioned in a large cinema chair with their body at a 90-degree angle. Unfortunately, Henry got a bit confused on the setup. And in an attempt to clarify, Ben explained that if you ran a string from the end of their foot to the top of their head, you would create a perfect equilateral triangle. As someone with a PhD in mathematics from the University of Oxford, I feel in a comfortable enough position to inform you that the triangle that would have been created would have in fact been a right angle triangle and not be equilateral as Ben stated.

Hope this clears things up. Much love, Dr. Harry Reynolds. Now, we literally have a 30 of those. I've been sent diagrams people have drawn with what it would look like if a young six-year-old girl was in the formation of an equilateral triangle, which may not say it's fairly horrific. One of the issues I would raise with Dr. Reynolds is a few. First, he says I got confused.

Now, for a mathematician, what he means is I got creative. So that's how it is. Again, he wouldn't understand that. For example, if I was to show him a picture of a ferret in a bow tie... He would give you a detailed plan on how to destroy a rabbit, can't he? Exactly. So, also, now... If you said, Dr. Reynolds, I love you.

Will you marry me? His response would be to give you a detailed plan for the destruction of a rabbit colony. That's right. If I was to ask him for a detailed plan for the destruction of a rabbit colony, he might actually ask me to marry him. That's what can happen with these people. Because he wouldn't understand his own emotions. He'll describe them as inefficiencies in his workflow system.

Yeah, they've been beaten up. No, obviously, we don't think any of those things. No, because famously, people who've got a PhD in maths from Oxford have never written Alice in Wonderland, for example. Exactly. No, exactly. We don't think any of these things. We think that science and the arts are both equally important, don't we?

Oh, we've always said that, always. We've always said that. But what I will say is that the arts encompasses science, whereas science doesn't encompass the arts. Therefore, because you can do a work of art about a scientist, but you can't do a diagram about... About Duran Duran. Yeah, exactly.

Have you finished your problems with Dr. Reynolds or was there...? No, no, no, that was just backdrop stuff. I could see how it could be any... Sorry, my issue is, if it's going to be a right-hack or triangle, doesn't that assume that the child's body is of equal length from the pelvis to the feet, as from the pelvis to the top, to the crown of the head? No, no, that's for the equilateral. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. And then you've got to be bent forward. Oh, because only one of the angles can be 90, can't it? Yeah. Unless... She could have... I'd never said, but she could have had a thorax on her head that were no more than three inches. Three inches long?

Yeah, and legs that were nine feet. Yeah, you probably would have brought that up in the anecdote. You would have brought that up in the anecdote, wouldn't you? She'd still be at right angles. She'd be a long-eye sosceles. Okay. She'd be a long-eye sosceles, and she'd be very much... She'd be quite disruptive to the 3D technology as well, I think, in the movie.

Someone did point out that if she had sat in the seat and the seat had, like, pinged up a bit and she was trapped in it, it may be that she would be at a 60-degree angle, and thus you would get an equilateral triangle. Is this helpful? Is this good content? Don't put on that thread, Mike. Don't put on that thread, Mike. God, yeah, yeah, sorry.

Not eight series in. Anyway, we had those bollocks in. Ask me if I'm going to accept that bollocking. It feels like you should, but you don't sound like you're going to. You don't sound like you're minded to at all. You sound the least contrite currently. I was ready to. I was ready to.

And then I received an email with the subject heading, pre-bollocking, reflect-o-shield. We very rarely get those. It's quite exciting. Okay. Oh, this is superb. This is from someone called Ben. So he describes the problem.

He describes that what people will say about what I've said. He says, Listeners might anticipate an open and shut bollocking case. I want to point out to these listeners that the equilateral triangles, 60-degree property, either fact that every angle should be 60 degrees, is only guaranteed in the plane. I was about to say this. Were you? In other settings, such as on the globe,

equilateral triangles can be constructed from right angles. To make this concrete, we can imagine a right-angled child lying on their side at the North Pole. With the head pointing the way south to Greenwich, and the feet pointing south to New Orleans. Wow. Okay. Where the headline and the foot line cross the equator,

we now imagine two more children. One with feet pointing west along the equator, and head pointing back north to Greenwich. The other with feet pointing east along the equator, and head pointing north to New Orleans. And presumably this scenario, I mean, we've been on this planet many thousands years. That must have happened at some point,

that combination. Must have done. Yep. A stop clock tells the right time, right? Twice a day, doesn't it? At some point, six triangular children would have been scattered in this exact configuration, yeah. Ben writes,

we can imagine the two equatorial children lying on ocean barges of some sort. Helps, thanks, Ben. Yep. Although I think the one pointing at Greenwich will be on Africa, so no need for an ocean barge, I think. Yep. I've given something to learn, though. Yeah.

Mattress. Yeah. The point is, the triangle described by these three children would be both equilateral and right-angled. Extraordinary. What? So, if you do face an onslaught of triangle-related bollikings, then I hope this globe-triangle fact will provide you

a sort of unobtainium reflector shield to deploy as you will. All the best, Ben. Thank you, Ben. That is bolliking. Not accepted. Reflecto bollik. Suck it. Suck it.

Reflecto bollik. Good grief. The shield is impenetrable. Because you're covered in a kind of amber-colored glow, aren't you? Yes. It's powered up as Dr Reynolds is smashing the glass on his PhD on his wall and tearing it to pieces. Finally, I am feeling an emotion for the very first time,

and that emotion is vengeance. It'll be a card-carrying sun of sperms by the end of the day. You might want to radicalise that. This is how you recommend it. That's individual. Yeah. Now, I was going to be about to say all that, by the way. Were you?

Yeah. And it shows that... I'm not going to say that you clip my wings. You too. So much is that you lop them off and deep-fry them and serve them up with a Korean hot chili dip. Do you know what I mean? Because I was sort of going in that direction,

but I could see that neither of you had true faith in me. And I chickened out. We've got an email for you, Henry. Okay. From John in Devon. Hello, John. The email subject header is, Henry is summoning real owls.

Unexpected. Yeah, well, we all know where this is going. But... On a walk on the 20th of February, in the countryside of Bishop's Staten, Bishop's Tainton, Devon. Bishop's Stortford, Stortford.

No. Bishop's Tainton, Devon. Brachios, just down the road from Mike. Yeah. That was Brachios. Where I am lucky to live, I was listening to your snappy little non-episode.

That was an episode we put out between these two series. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And Henry said the word owl. Hmm. Within one second of this, I looked up and saw a beautiful tourney owl. Hmm.

Five meters away from me on a branch. I've never seen one this close before in the wild, so I assume the only explanation is that Henry can summon them at will. Anyway, thought you'd like to know about this lovely experience Henry enabled for me. If he could start summoning other cool stuff for me, that would be sweet.

Thanks, John and Devon. That's exciting. P.S. About 10 minutes after this incident, I did a guff that interrupted the signal of my wireless headphones. But this is probably unrelated. Blimey.

Way to ruin what was a really lovely email right at the last minute. I mean, that was going great. That was one of the most wholesome and sort of uplifting emails we've ever had. Absolutely ruined it. Well, it's the Devon way. They'll bring you back to Earth.

And you know what? In return, okay, A, quick answer. Yes, I can summon else. B, I can summon any animal I choose. C, in return for ruining that email, ruining the email and lowering the tone. I'm going to say these words. A Devon based great white shark with legs

and the inverse of an aqua lung, which means that a fish can breathe on land. So look up now. How'd you like that? So watch this six, John. Yeah. And it's got a universal set of keys. It's coming in your kitchen door.

Yeah. I gave it universal keys as well. So yeah. And soft soul choose. So you won't hear them coming. It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon, Patreon, Patreon.com.

Four slash three beats salad. As over a big great white shark with legs. Thank you to everyone who signed up on our Patreon. Yes, thank you. Thank you so much. If you want more chats, basically every time we record these, we record almost double what we use.

So we put some in this episode and we put the rest in a bonus episode that comes out every month. If you want that, go to patreon.com. Forged slash three beats salad. There are various tiers you can sign up on. If you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out in the Sean Bean lounge,

where Mike was last night. Indeed. And it was a good night, wasn't it? Power count. It was a very fine night indeed. Because, of course, it was... It was... It was the Australian Stars of Stage and Screen...

Toblerone Feast. Wasn't it? Sure was. And here's my report. Glitz, Glamour and Ganesh were the orders of the day last night at the Sean Bean lounge for the Sean Bean Australian Stars of Stage and Screen

Toblerone Feast, with Toblerone crowbars generously supplied by BMA Magazine. Russell Crow arrived to host the event in a palanquin born by Horford Ancestan, Julian Garrish, Jane Blackall, and Hannah Moffat, who, at Russell Crow's insistence,

were all drenched in milk chocolate and infused with crushed almonds. The red carpet, having been fitted over a small pyramid and not on the ground, was tricky to negotiate for guests, but a star-spangled place for onlookers to witness a series of Sean Bean escorts

accompany their Australian VIPs to the feast. Hugh Spink brought that bloke who played Jim Robinson from Neighbours. Brendan Stone brought that woman who played Maj Bishop from Neighbours. Catherine Gould brought that bloke who played Lou Carpenter from Neighbours before they were both expelled

as he was actually born in Hampshire before being let back in again when a bunch of Hemsworths kicked off and pointed out that he does have Australian citizenship. Ben Hawkes brought that lad who played Billy Kennedy from Neighbours who then went to Hollywood for a bit and then started going out

with a Brazilian big wave surfer and therefore completed his full lifetime bucket list before the age of 30. Will brought that woman who played Daphne Clark from Neighbours who had a bit of a rough night after Mel Gibson and Nicole Kidman

kept pestering her to do that thing where she pretends to be in a coma and wouldn't stop until she'd laid on her back with a straw poking out of her mouth with Jeffrey Rush beside her playing a definitive life support machine. Mark Franklin brought that bloke who played Shane Ramsey from Neighbours

and Louis Moore, Doe Eowyn, Lisa Harris and Mark Curtis all left early and disgust as there was no sign of that bloke who played Toe Fish from Neighbours. Henry Garner presented a wonderfully light white chocolate Toblerone pate as a starter and the much anticipated main course was Henry Garner's beef jerky

and parsnip Toblerone. There was some disappointment when the dessert of Toblerone was cancelled as Russell Crowe didn't want anyone eating while he and his band played a set of in excess and crowded house cover mashups. This resulted in a lack of enthusiasm for the performance

and Russell Crowe in a bid to engineer the right vibe forced Richard Smith, Richard Clubb, Cyber Pete Barber and Beth Dawson at sharpened chocolate pyramid point to mosh at the front of the stage. James McKay recently documented as technically Russell Crowe's biggest fan ever in the world,

tried to help things along by performing a crowd surf but forgot he was wearing a chocolate pyramid hat and was propelled like a chocolate torpedo into and through William Hellworth, who was mistaken in the chaos for Craig McLaughlin, who Russell Crowe insisted should be immediately buried within a giant chocolate pyramid alongside a retinue of everyone there except Russell Crowe.

That mausoleum Oblerone will stand in the lounge in perpetuity in tribute to Craig McLaughlin, who at the time of writing his rumoured to be in Wagga Wagga, New South Wales, developing a Jason Donovan biopic. Thanks all. Okay, that's the podcasts. Before we go, let's just work out

whose version of our theme tune we'll be playing. We've got one from our old friend Conor. Oh wow, brilliant. Now Conor, we revealed last time, is in a band, a famous band. Conor's massive. And I asked him, is it okay if we tell everyone what the name of his group is?

And he said, if you want to shout out to my band, that would be lovely. But please let the listeners know that we're chill electronic and sound nothing like my submissions. So we can reveal that Conor is part of a group called 53 Thieves. Cool name.

You betcha. The top song that 53 Thieves have made on Spotify, which is called Dreaming, has been listened to 29 million times. Wow. So according to, I think the way the algorithm works is, they only owe that Swedish guy about 58 quid. That's great.

I mean, that's completely manageable. So Conor writes, I tried not to write this theme. I tried my best to resist the urge to sink back into the compositional bienniosphere, but something compelled me, something niggled from within and provided an unseen impetus. For weeks, I could not decode the catalyst for this drive.

The search for meaning had begun. I contemplated upon the apex of the peak district. I studied introspective meditation. I returned home to Belfast and immersed myself in the frigid and tempestuous waters of Lisbon Leisureplex. Then revelation. It is not I who is the dull bastard.

It is Henry. As such, I proceeded to write arguably the most guitar heavy theme yet. Mike and Ben, this one's for you. It's a choral orchestra, a heavy slide guitar, gospel jazz, forward slash blues version. Oh my word. Conor, thank you so much.

So thanks for that Conor. Thanks Conor. Thanks to you for listening and we'll see you next time. Bye. Thank you very much. Goodbye. Bye.