Three Bean Salad - The Loch Ness Monster

Episode Date: January 18, 2023

The Loch Ness Monster is Harvey’s idea of a strong topic for the beans this week. Can they avoid offensively poor Scottish accents? Possibly. Will Helen Hunt come up? Probably. Will a fictional character played by a volleyball dominate the conversation? You betcha!Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladGet in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

Hello and welcome to the podcast formally known as Three Bean Salad. We're doing something slightly different this week. Here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, Here, here. Here, here.

the round. Hang on what's going on? Diving into the lukewarm waters of Banter about the Avatar films, or Bantafar. They might be blue, but you won't be when you listen to this podcast. No. No. Sorry, Vito. Mixing this.

Absolutely not. No. It's our new direction, Mike. We talked about this. Come on, Mike. It's what people want, Mike. We're beans. We stick to beans.

Have you not heard the Hammer here music? Come on. Oh, I suppose you prefer the technological crabs, do you? You're more of a robot gunman, I certainly am. And here's three bean salad. Ben, I was thinking, you look a bit like a... Sexy monk? A sexy monk.

That's what I was going for. Well, I was going to say sexy monk, but I thought that was a bit too obvious. Okay, take it down for me. What am I serving? What's he serving, hot and fresh? I tell you, I wouldn't mind him getting his hand round more than those rosary beads. That's sexy monk, you know what I mean? I wouldn't mind a walk around his cloisters.

I tell you what, good luck keeping me silent with him tonight. Oh, that's sexy, sexy monk. That was a very, very niche 80s sort of porn fake craze, wasn't it, in the VHS? It came off the back of the success of Cadvial, the TV show. Derek Jagabee, was it? Derek Jagabee playing a monk who's also a detective sort of thing? He was, he was. Which is confusing, because there's also a monk who is a detective.

Thank God that was much later. Yeah, and obviously the monk fish throughout has just been one of your options than inner fish monkeys, just to add to the confusion. So what were you going to say, Roth and Sexy Monk? What was it like in bed with him last night? Well, I put it this way, illuminating. Like he does with manuscripts. What?

That sexy, sexy monk. What do you mean illuminating? Do you mean the inscription? It's called illuminated manuscripts. When you, you know, I tell you what, he can draw a complex vine system around my capital, Jane. Any time he wants, that's sexy, sexy monk. Golly, Henry, you're both edifying and swashbuckling this morning.

Yeah, I know, it's both. You know what, I actually don't mind the tonsure. Are we going to take, are we going to take off every monk, possibly trope you can think of? Oh, I tell you what, he's got a really rough cassock. That's just a fact. That's not, that's not, yeah, he does have a very, very, yeah, he's just doing penance, he's doing penance at the moment.

And not all of it for what we got up to last weekend. Oh, that sexy monk. I like to call him friar, f***. Welcome to Sexy Monk 3, the bit where we went a bit too far to push the franchises as far as you can go. Has there ever been a Sexy Monk TV show or film? I don't think there has really. Is that a potential Wozniak vehicle?

I think it was at me quite good. So I do know what the closest thing has been to Sexy Monk, but I can think of is Sean Connery in the name of the Rose. Oh, I've not seen that. That is a, well, give it the caveat. I've seen Nuns on the Run with, what's his name? I imagine if Nuns on the Run, if the screenplay of Nuns on the Run had been written by Umbedo Eka.

It's at the time, I thought it was an excellent film, but that was a long time ago. It may be that it. I think I did, too. But I think that's just because it had Sean Connery in it being Sean Connery. And does he play a monk? Yeah, he plays Sean Connery, Dress as a Monk. Yes, that's right.

Like he does in most of his films. All of his roles, he plays a Sean Connery, Dress as a Monk, and then they have to dress him up as something else on top of that, don't they? That's always his springboard. Yeah, that's his springboard. Yeah, he plays a sort of detective monk, actually. So he's quite a cool. He's a bit of a renegade monk, isn't he, isn't that?

He's a renegade, cool, travelling sort of detective monk. He's very much going up against the pen pushers that said he haul, isn't he? Or at least the sort of Vatican equivalent of that. Is that what it is, if you remember? The Vatican have busted my ass! In 1312. I'm trying to drink a cup of mead here. We've finally found the culprit.

It was Satan again. It's always Satan, it's always Satan, everything, everything is Satan. So, yeah, he plays a cool kind of cool renegade, travelling detective monk. And who's his little padawan figure? He's got a young story with it. He's a young Christian Slater. He's a Christian Slater, isn't he? He's a very, very young Christian Slater.

But it also has some of the best castings of medieval looking. Just everyone in the film, really, apart from Sean Connery and Christian Slater, is just the most sort of pump, not pump, I was going to sort of turn it faced. So I just did a really, really, really ugly cast of medieval looking. Sort of hunched medieval, gnarled sort of people. It's brilliant. I might have to watch this. It's a really good film.

I did try to read the book once, though. The book, I think, is quite heavy going. The Bible. Now, Mike. Yeah. Is the audience, the listening audience, able to breathe a sigh of relief this week? Let's see. Mike, this week, did you go and see Avatar 2?

No, sir. Ha! The audience across the world know a big sigh of contentment. I certainly did not. So we're quite safe. We're quite safe from Avatar 2 chat this week. Well, I still feel like you've both given me the sense that I'm supposed to go and do it for some sort of completion. So I felt guilty about not seeing it, but I also felt quite good about not seeing it.

You're also quite busy. You're currently on tour. It'd be bad if we ruined your tour. Like, if you were knackered, if one of your tour shows was quite underpubbed because you were knackered. Because you're all Avatar. I'd just spent 80 to 90 minutes talking about Avatar, which is all I could think about. Going through the audience one by one to ask if anyone's seen it. Or was it 2D or 3D?

So Sexy Munkwise, Henry, what were you going to say that I looked like? So I was going to say that we haven't finished objectifying Ben, have we? This is purely to do with clothing and what you're doing and the way you were eating a bowl of cereal a minute ago, is I thought you looked a bit like an off-duty department store santa. Also, the way you've done that laugh, you sort of lent back and sort of clouched yourself. That was purely just a comment on your clothing and the demeanor with which you were eating the cereal. This clothing, apparently, is the big clothing of 2023. It looks like it's velour. It's got a velour sheen to it.

It's a gigantic velour hoodie with a kind of shealing internal piece. So it's quite padded. And basically, it's like a kind of cost of living crisis garment. I'll just show you the whole thing. Is it a top or a onesie? It's a top. Okay. Wow, that is immense.

Bloody hell, that goes all the way down. How far down does that go? To my knees. Just imagine a kind of Sexy Munk, if you will. Again, a Sexy Velour Munk with a satin sheen. Blimey. I think the brand name, I've not got the proper ones. They're called Udis.

It's the company that's made loads of them. But I've got a knockoff version. And they're big, apparently. Well, they're going to be now, aren't they? Okay. If they weren't before. It's too warm. It's too warm.

Because that's why it's giving it a little side effect of it. It does give you, as I've said before, again, the demeanor of a slightly crushed department store centre towards the end of the run. Yeah. It's just a heavily soporific item. Yeah. It's just really slowing you down. And it just looks like you're thinking, oh, Jesus Christ, all those, just all those bloody kids.

I'm going to fucking keep the... Do you know what I mean? The stink of Monster Energy drink. Yeah. Yeah. And crushes your own mind. Is it okay for going to the men's room? No, you've got to take it off.

You've got to take the whole thing off. Yeah. So obviously, there comes a point where you don't bother and then essentially you're wheeling around a bucket on a skateboard. Well, it's the kind of garment you could just piss directly into and you wouldn't notice for a couple of days. At which point, the whole thing would be too late anyway because you'd have expired from a mixture of overheating and... Piss vapours. Concentrated piss vapours, yeah. Yeah.

Would you say bury me in the center outfit or...? I think you'd have to burn both of us, probably. You'd have to burn both of you. So, Mike has spent the last week performing in Soho. Has this changed you, Mike? Are you a kind of Soho character now? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Big time.

I'm very much woven into the fabric of Soho now. Good. Yeah. Spending your evenings in kind of basement rooms. Smoky basement rooms. All kinds of crimes and sin going on there. Rubbing shoulders with local mafia, of course. Of course, storied actors.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's where crime and showbiz rub shoulders. Along with high-end political figures as well. So you're a kind of Frank Sinatra figure now. You've been living that sort of...? I think I'm more of a sort of Christine Keeler figure, really. Okay. Oh, you're really...

You're messing up the establishment. Yeah, I'm going to... Yeah, I'm basically... I'm a powder keg waiting for a spark. That's why I am at the moment of scandal. Lovely. And last night, I believe it was a couple of creme de monts with Michael Portillo. Is that right?

Well, that just kicked things off, didn't it? It was Michael Portillo, a couple of visiting Hungarian arms dealers. And the cast of kinky boots. Oh, interesting. I heard it. I had the night ended with a couple of... With a large jug of Casice de Mellon with Nigel Havers. That's what I've been hearing.

I was going to say. And apparently, you said the pistachios were on you all night. Is that right? Yeah, which... You were just chucking pistachios around the club. I'm ruined now, let me tell you. You are ruined now, aren't you? Henry, just reading this from the middle pages of the London Evening Standard, aren't you?

Well, it's a little trick they do in the London clubs. I've been doing this since the 60s, Michael. It's a bit embarrassing. You didn't spot it. I've been in the provinces too long. You've been in the provinces for too long, which is you go to a London club. You're with some like Nigel Havers, Michael Portillo, or one of the... One of the Patrick's.

Kilty. Kilty. Marba. Stuart. Yeah, so you're getting your... You're getting your drinks lined up and then the barman will say something salty with that. Sack of pistachios for the table.

Yeah, sack of pistachios. And you bite. I assume it's complimentary. There's trouble. There's a great big sort of... 18 kilo sack of pistachios around the table. That's right. And you think, oh, lovely.

And you dig in. You start off in the round, throwing them around. Just playing all sorts of pistachio based games. And Portillo's appetite for pistachios is absolutely incredible. Well, he doesn't even take them out the shell. He crunches through and then every half hour or so, he goes up to the fire bin and spits out a gush of wet pistachio shell fragments. That's if you're lucky.

That's if he hasn't done one of his pistachio shell sneezes before then. 120 miles an hour. It's absolutely deadly. As eviscerating, but not nearly so eviscerating as the poison pens of a lot of the great theatre critics that you'll be trying to woo at the same time, isn't it? Because that's part of the night in Soho for a performance show. This guy like yourself is... You're rubbing shoulders with the Havers', the Patrick's, the Routledge's.

But also, you're trying to soften those poison, poison pens, aren't you? They can't be softened. Because all the great critics are out and about. They'll accept the currency of scandalous gossip, but they can't be softened. Ah, yes. Have you been putting some rumours around? It's good to get a rumour going in Soho. Right, left and centre.

Yeah. Nasty stuff as well. Really nasty stuff. A couple of things about you and Henry, obviously. Oh, really? They want the inside. Yeah, of course. Of course.

On the veins. I heard Ben dresses like a sexy monk on his downtime. I wouldn't mind that getting around, Mike, if you wouldn't mind. Yeah. OK. That might be one to plant, actually, to... OK. You're actually secretly based on St. Michael's Mount or some similar little sort of...

What do you say based on? Do you mean living or I was conceived with the idea that I would be like St. Michael's Mount? Oh, and then more sort of based there in a sort of cell. Have you met Ben? He's actually based on St. Michael's Mount. Well, that's why he's so comical shaped, isn't it? Exactly. Lots of wonderful little eateries down in Soho, Mike.

Quite a few... There's quite a few cafe narrows, isn't there, to choose between? Yeah, that's one of the toughest decisions, actually. That's what people say about Soho, isn't it? It's like, now it's all gentrified and basically it's all just basically branches of itsy, isn't it? Yeah. But Henry, as a Londoner, someone who grew up in London, do you remember a time when Soho was truly, darkly delicious?

Oh, absolutely. You'd go into Soho to learn to ride your bike. Yeah. And the next thing you knew, you were waking up. That's the thing. So it wasn't a place that you went to. It was a place you woke up in. Barnet, technically.

Madame Tussauds. The Sonata of... Halfords. Zone 5. Mind the gap between your provincial existence and this metropolitan utopia. Next stop, urban enlightenment. The glamorous London life of Henry Packer. Hang on a second.

Is that Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber? No, it can't be. Because you're Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber. I know. And you'd wake up and you'd be like, I don't know where the bloody hell I am. I'm on a flea bit in Soho for four days after your eighth birthday party. Last thing I remember, I was chomping down on... Well, because it was my birthday, it was two bits of Kit Kat at the same time.

So I had both fingers in my mouth. It was the goalposts of the special football birthday cake you made. That's right. And I thought, this is going to be a hell of a night. And I think I'm not wrong because I've woken up. It's four days later. I'm in the same room as the painter Francis Bacon. Doing a portrait of me.

And Patrick Kilty. Patrick Kilty's just come in with two jugs of creme de pineapple de casista. De soleil. Looks like the party's starting all over again. Time to get to the original Peter Express. One which has a jazz bar downstairs. Never went and lived in London for, I don't know, at least ten years. Never went.

Walk past it a thousand times. What, the one with the jazz bar downstairs? I still live in London. I still walk past it all the time. I've still never been. It feels like you don't want to ruin it almost, do you know what I mean? And what a lot of people don't realise is actually, around the corner there's the original ZZ's,

which has got a hardcore techno club underneath. That's right. But I can get behind somehow the idea of all you can eat salad buffet next to a jazz bar is harder to manage. Mike, have you ever been... How fucking... I'm sorry, how parochial are you, mate? Have you never been to a Peter Express?

There's no salad bar. That's what I was going to say. What the hell are you talking about? No. It's time for... Provincial Dad Chat. Who's hid my bloody walking boots? Darling, have you been relabelling my paraffin and white spirit bottles?

Gage escapes on kids, otherwise we'll miss the inflatable session. She's taking her mother to see blood brothers, which means more top gear time for me. Why would I need to go and see a pediatrist? Of course, I've kept the warranty information, darling. Have you just taken to the same harvester every week, but they just tell you it's something different? Yeah, they just changed the livery.

And then we're all able to say that we've been to an ask, we've been to a Pizza Hut and a Peter Express and McDonald's, all the big names, they do that. We really appreciate it. And the parking is exquisite. And it's just round the corner from the Shell Garage as well, so you can get a few other things done while you're there, get a bit more oil, get some petrol.

They don't even say, have you been to a harvester before to you anymore when you go in? No, no, no. They say, have you ever not been to a harvester, mate? Yeah, yeah. We're particularly to do one of their theme nights. If they've dressed the place up to look like a Peter Express. Or as far as we understand, a Peter Express.

It's got it's salad buffet. It's got a hand-drawn sign outside with a Peter Express. Yeah, it's got it's all you can eat carvery. And it's got EastEnders on the tally. That's quite close. A two-lane bowling alley. Two-hour foreign listeners who may have not gone to a harvester. I would say it's Britain's premier restaurant.

It's the bedrock. I've not actually been for years. It's a kind of farming themed, it's like a restaurant where they've gone in for the kind of agricultural theme, I would say. Hearty, hearty British food. Yes. And there'll be a hoe on the wall and a bit of that, you know.

You know what, I didn't think I've actually been to a harvester. Of course you haven't. You're the metropolitan elite. We're the opposite ends of the scale, mate. You see, I've not been to a harvester and you've not been to a Peter Express. And I've only been to a harvester. You've only been to a harvester. Is it not carvery?

No, not really. So it's the concept of harvest that they're trying to channel. Are they into the food? So grains? It's the concept, you know, it's beyond that. It's the concept of Albion. Okay. Old England.

But the harvest concept works like this. So if you go in soon after the harvest, you can have anything. There's all sorts of stuff that's just been harvested. By the time you hit February, March, it's just pickled vegetables and salted meat. Some dry husks. Yeah. And some biscuits that they used to eat in the Navy,

like stuff that just keep you going until the next harvest. Yeah. And possibly a late uncle Boona, something like that. You know what I mean? Okay. Right. Yes. Someone that was pay a premium.

Maybe the weakest in the clan has been knocked off and slow cooked. Yeah. And then you're right, Henry, on your way out, they give you a ren, which you don't prick. You walk around the harvester, run the carpark, bleeding the ren onto the tarmac in the hope that the harvest will be bound for that year. Yeah. And if it doesn't melt the frost on the tarmac, then you're in big trouble.

Yeah. Okay. And then when the next year comes in, then, do they, will they sometimes say, you'll go in, you'll have your family booked it for the Sunday. Maybe someone's birthday, special occasion. And is it just a matter of luck whether or not they might sometimes say, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, sir and madam. But this year, we are lying fallow.

It is for the longterm good of the harvest. And then you have the meager times family buffet. Okay. Which is just sort of a wooden bowl of sort of quite a thin gruel. And you're thankful for it. And a tiny, tiny plate. Yeah. And there'll be a small whip that you can, you can lash your own back with as well.

In the hope that by absolving yourself of your sins, next time you book in, next time the harvest will be better. 80th or whatever, it'll be better. Yeah. It has been a meager harvest, sir. We are sorry, but at the same time, it is your fault. Oh yeah.

Yeah. If they tell you that you've got a witch in your family, you're not allowed back for at least another year. Okay. Yeah. No tiramisu's though. Not yet. Oh gosh.

No. I'm wondering if the tiramisu wave has slightly passed. It was definitely quite big. Do you think it was that quick? Well, that's how things work in London. We're very, very, very quickly on to the next thing then. Put it this way, right? I went to a cafe the other day in London

where I had scrambled eggs on toast and the toast had something spread on it, which was a white bean puree. And I said, and so does Andrew, what's the white bean puree? And they went, now Mike,

this whole centre, I don't think you're going to get hit here in any of this. I'm about to say what this person said to me. This is what, because I know when people say this kind of thing to you in London, you've got a set thing you do,

which is you go, thank you very much. Top of the morning to you. Yeah. And we're on our way to see Phantom. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Normally they see the glazed look on my eyes

and they just give me directions to Madame Tussauds before we ask for it. Yeah. We're going to see wax effigies then, Phantom. Thank you. I don't want any trouble. Thank you. My dream, sir,

is that one day I will see a musical where everyone on stage is a wax effigy. That's a fucking idea. Wax. Yeah. So this is what the person said to me. I said, do I have interest?

What was the white bean puree thing? What is that? And the person said to me, this sentence, Mike, Propezzaglaze over. He said, oh, it's a more ethical form of avocado. Oh.

Oh, no. What? Wow. Basically saying, wow. So Mike, obviously avocado to Mike, that feels like avocado. Avocado.

Avocado. Avocado. Avocado. Avocado. Avocado. Avocado. Those are just some syllables to you, aren't they? They're not.

I know what you mean. They're those strange pairs, the heights of which you can turn into undergarments. Those be the ones. Those be the ones. These terrible peri, though, those pairs. They contain brown snookables. That's where brown snookables come from, I think.

So essentially, we've gone post-avacando. No, I won't accept that. We've gone post-avacando. Because there was a time when even the idea of having smashed avocado on toast felt a bit like, but now it's like, so now we're beyond that. So things which are still, because I would feel fairly cool and current

asking for smashed avocado on toast. And what was basically implied in that was, you were probably going to want some avocado, weren't you? You bastard. Also, in the same place, Mike, same cafe, well, a few things happen which you won't understand. First is I ordered a cappuccino. Oh, that's the frothy coffee.

Yeah. Okay, well done. By the way, I also think those are coming back in, as well as tiramisu, having come back in, and cappuccinos are back in. Anyway, I think you're right, my partner's really getting into cappuccinos at the moment. Yeah, yeah, exactly, they are.

Cappuccinos are back. Actually, this is a really great coffee. Then the waiter then said to me, would you like that with cow's milk? Instead of the milk of your mother. That's the choice you get. Cow or wet nurse? Cow or wet nurse, sir.

That's what it's like in a busy barista's in Exeter. Right, so we've got two lattes with mother's breast milk. We've got semi-frothed wet nurse milk. Two of those. Honestly, so pretentious these days. What's wrong with a good old-fashioned nurse? I just want a white coffee with her mother's hot milk in it. You can't say that.

You've got to say, I want a frappuccino or whatever. I think it's offensive. I think it's offensive me doing these voices. Is it? I'll let you know when I get back home. I need to stop it. If I come home and they haven't got the bunting out, as usual. I need to pitchforks.

Yeah, whatever answer. I think it's quite a good accent, though. Okay, fine. But where is the accent from? That's the thing. This is the thing the West Country champs will get very snippy about. Oh, good shout. I don't know.

Also, I've got accent lag, because after about 10 to 12 seconds, it starts turning into something weird. I think that's good. I think you talked about that before, and I think that's good. I've thought about that. I think that's like you've got some kind of internal safety mechanism

that's letting you know it's a little warning light. No, eggy, eggy, eggy. Stop, Henry, stop. It's a way of making you pause. And it should make you pause for thought. Normally, it just makes you pause and reset and then start again. But that mechanism is there for your own safety and cancellation prevention.

That's why it's there. I think that's right. It's an evolutionary trait. By the way, I'm a big fan of alternate milks. I'm into oat milk. I'm a soy boy. I go for oat. You go for oat.

Suppose the oat is the most environmentally friendly. Is it? Well, yeah, because we don't have to fly oats. We've got oats, basically. Oh, yes, good point. Well, only the richest people get their oats flown, because there are some people that do get their oats flown. Flown in, I don't know.

Or they get them flown from. So they're grown in Hertfordshire, then they're flown from Hertfordshire to Bahia, California, and then back again. And that's the best way to dry an oat if you want to really... That's really rich. The air conditioning on 747

really dries out an oat like nothing else. Especially in first class. Okay, time to turn on the bean machine. Ooh. Ooh. And instead of playing our bean machine jingle, we're going to play one sent in by a listener. It is from Charlie Nevert.

Thank you, Charlie. Thanks, Charlie. He says, hi, I've been back and forth about sending you this one. I'm really not that happy with the mix, but it's done now, and so I thought I may as well. Don't worry about the mix, Charlie. I never worry about the mix. You don't even do a mix.

I don't know what a mix is. We don't mix. We just put it straight in. Just go straight out. Let's have a listen, shall we? Let's have a listen, shall we? Crumbs. That's a pretty radical remix.

Wow. Thank you, Charlie. Charlie, that mix was dog shit. The mix. The frenzied sacks. No, the mix was perfect. That was apparently, I've just re-looked at his email. That's described as a clowncore version.

Well, it's quite disturbing. A clowncore, I assume, is a sort of disturbing music genre. And this is one that he himself has created. Always clowncore a thing. That's what I'm not sure. I don't know. But brilliant. Thank you.

Yes, thank you very much. That's that. Anyway, let's turn on the Beam Machine for real and find out what this week's topic is. Thank you to everyone who sent us in a topic. And if you'd like to send in a topic to add to the Beam Machine, then please do at www.treebeansellerspod.gmail.com. And Harvey did just that.

Good old Harvey. OK, Harvey. And the topic is... Thanks, Harvey. The Loch Ness Monster. Is it really? I think just before we just plow into this, I think we should have a, in terms of accents,

we should have a rule and just get it in place early doors. That we have to use dog shit Scottish accents. We have to use dog shit Scottish accents for the entirety of this conversation. Because I just think it's cleaner that way. Well, your Scottish accent, Henry, is quite good. I think because you have lived in Scotland in your life. So you've got a bit of...

It comes from a place of knowledge, I think yours. Mine comes from a place of kind of children's television, not really good at all. I don't know if I've ever heard Mike try it. I think mine similarly probably comes from English actors attempting to do Scottish accents on television in the 80s. That's probably... And of course, Mike, I think we can...

You've got no shame in this. And of course, your favourite film, Braveheart. Which you always describe as... Australian far your favourite film. Australian actor based in America. I watched Braveheart last year and I'd never seen it before. And I was kind of ready for it to be bad. I don't know why.

But I absolutely loved it. I think it is probably really good. It was hugely successful, wasn't it? Yeah, it was really good fun. I think the thing that people didn't like was that it's historically inaccurate. But I really don't care about that, particularly. Well, do they suggest that...

They suggest, don't they, in the film that Mel Gibson fathered a long line of English kings? Well, the whole thing was it was a plot by Mel Gibson to take the English crown, wasn't it? That was the whole point of the film. The failed coup, we all remember. That's right. Well, when Gibson himself...

He entered the very corridors of power, didn't he? He got very, very close. He did. Him and Helen Hunt. That's right. His Queen. I saw Helen Hunt today on... I watched the film Castaway. Oh, yeah.

With Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks. I was ill and so I watched on Channel 5 a Tom Hanks marathon. Wow. I caught only... There were three films in the marathon. I only caught two. I caught Castaway and The Terminal.

Oh, I never saw that. That's one I've not seen. I've seen it. I think I've seen a lot of The Hanks canon, but that one I've missed. Speaking of ropey accents, The Terminal is... He's died, hasn't he? Didn't he die quite recently, that guy? The real guy, yeah.

Yeah. I saw The Real Guy. No. In The Terminal. In Real Life. Yeah. In Charles De Gaulle Airport. Hang on.

Is the Catherine Z. Jones character based on you? I haven't seen the film, so I don't know. But we did have a very, very steamy affair. I was waiting for my gate to be announced. Outside of French boots. Outside of French boots or... Le Chasseur long. Was that chainers called in front?

Yeah. I was waiting in Charles De Gaulle Airport and he was next to me and he had a big... What they called? The trolley that you push your bags around on in an airport. He had one of those, but it's loads of bags. Miran Nasseri. In case anyone was confused, but who were they called? Miran Nasseri.

Oh, yeah. So, yeah. This is a man who lived in Charles De Gaulle Airport because he was in Diplomatic Limbo. The Iranian guy. Where was he from? Iran. Was he? Okay, right.

So you saw him? I saw him. He was sitting next to me and he was cutting his toenails. So, I sort of noticed that as a thing that you don't normally see someone doing an airport. Obviously, this was his home, so he was everything he did in his life he did in this airport. Is there a scene in the film where that's happening and there's a sort of... A young Nigel Haver's type sitting a bit further up. An aspiring cartoonist.

Seeking inspiration. Seeking amuse. Right, he finds it. Anyway, also watched Castaway, great film. Jane Hunt was in that. I'd forgotten about the existence of Helen Hunt. And I was like, oh, yeah, Helen Hunt. She's good.

She's good. She's good. Solid. Yeah. She's unfussy as well. Maybe that's why I forgot her. She doesn't draw focus. She does the biz.

Because often people forget that she's there on the island with him for the whole film. Well, he didn't realise because she was... She didn't want to pull focus. She plays three different palm trees at different stages of life. Did you sort of well up at the Wilson stuff? I didn't well up. But I think it is affecting. I love the whole Wilson thing.

I love the whole Wilson element. It's my favourite bit of that film. It really affected me the Wilson thing. It's the best bit. Does he sort of cry and say, sorry, Wilson or something? Doesn't it at the end? Because he sort of abandons Wilson. He doesn't abandon him.

He's in a storm. He's in a storm and he's tied him to his raft and then he comes free. And he leaves. He leaves as Wilson. And he floats off. And he does shout, yeah, sorry, Wilson. They've still not made the Wilson sequel, have they? We do not live not.

What happened to Wilson? Life's a ball with Wilson. A family film of the same. What's that? Wilson is doing the Kentucky Derby this year. Wilson! And then, of course, Wilson too. Wilson runs for president.

Yeah. Wilson three where they do the whole thing, but he's on holiday in Paris. But on the way, the plane crashes and he's, ah, it's happening again. Oh, no. Wilson four, the haunted tombs of Sumatra. That guy's a bit eggy, doesn't it? I think that one. Yeah.

Yeah. And then, of course, there's Wilson five, the haunted tombs of Sumatra two, which is confusing. But they still spin off their own. Sort of weirdly like a mini series within the franchise. And then... A sub-sequel. Not many people are brassy enough to try that on.

And then there's Wilson six, he's back in Paris again, two. Which is confusing when they send him back to the express. Then there's Wilson seven, the rebooting. Where the whole thing's rebooted, but it's all haunted. So everything's the same. It starts again at the beginning, but everything's haunted. But then there's Wilson eight, which is actually also the same as castaway two. It's similar to when King James was King Six of Scotland in First of England.

That's right. But it's seen from Wilson's point of view. So you watch the whole thing for a tiny little aperture, which is the bit you inflated. So have either of you ever seen the Loch Ness monster? I've never been to Loch Ness. No, nor have I. I might be able to go up to Inverness for the first time later this year, but I've never, I've not seen the Loch in the first place.

So I think if you've not been to the Loch, you're very unlikely to have seen the monster. I've never come across a sighting that happened outside the Loch. No, good point. That's true. Yeah, my Ness spotting is, yeah. I see one fact about the Lochs that I've always found quite sort of scary in a way. It's the fact that apparently the Lochs, I think Loch Ness particularly are incredibly deep. Yeah, I like that.

And they're so deep, right, that they don't actually have a sort of a bottom anyway. They don't have a sea bed or a lake bed or they don't have a floor. They just basically go on forever or sort of, they gradually become, you know, the water becomes sort of a bit muddier and muddier and muddier and muddier, and so gradually just turns into something else, but there isn't actually a bottom. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I like it. They're so deep.

It sounds like absolute. It doesn't really end. Absolute tripe. Yeah. Total tripe. The fact is, it's five meters deep at one end and three at the other. Like a normal commercial, like any commercial. And you really shouldn't dive at the shallow end.

Yeah. This is very, very, very dirty. I've been to Europe's deepest lake. Where is it? Lake Oryd in Macedonia. I don't know where that is. Ooh. It's Europe's deepest lake.

Mm. Intercesto Bolog. Hi, Ben here. I'm just doing the edit of the episode and I've just looked this up. Lake Oryd is not Europe's deepest lake. It's not even in the top 10 of the Europe's deepest lakes. Wikipedia says it's one of the oldest lakes in the world. Anyway, it renders the rest of this all.

It's all moot. What are you about to hear? Sorry. But you can't bollock me because I've intercepted the bollock before it's even come in. Europe's deepest lake. Mm. And as a result, it's very cold. And you can't, when you're swimming on it, you don't really get the sense that it's

Europe's deepest lake. Maybe because it isn't. I'm sorry. It's quite hard to perceive that. Yes. Well, was this striking you as a swimming round going, I thought this felt like a brilliant idea for the whole day, didn't it, to come to. But on the one hand, it's very, very cold.

On the other hand, am I really experiencing the depth of it? And the deepest, the quality of it being the deepest. Am I enjoying that? Yeah. Because depth is, by definition, you don't want to be experiencing it really. If you are experiencing how deep it is, something's probably gone tragically wrong. Yes. Yes, exactly.

So, yes, I was only aware of its depth because people would say, have you seen? It's Europe's deepest lake. It seems likely now that people weren't saying that to me. Or I was duped, but I think more likely I've just misremembered the whole thing. Remember, you don't have to bollock me. I'm bollocking myself here. I'm bollocking myself. Okay.

I'm sorry. Pre-emptive self-bollock. Do they have any sort of cryptozoology rumors flying about, if it's so deep? Have they got their own sort of messy? They've got a real one that I may have mentioned on this podcast before, I fear, which is that they have a kind of prehistoric trout. Ooh. I didn't think you have.

I've completely forgotten. I feel like that's some sort of thing I might remember. They've got, I think it's Europe's oldest fish. I'm not even going to look that one up. It doesn't sound plausible, though, does it? Are any of my memories real? Can I say, can I just, it sounds quick, it sounds like to me like your pitching film ideas to Jason Statham.

Hear me out, Jason. Look, it's just the Meg again. All I'm getting is versions of the Meg. No, no, no, no. Listen, hear me out. I'm saying it's the oldest trout. The oldest trout. It's a freshwater monster.

It's completely different in its psychology. You're telling me this is the oldest fish in Europe. No, Jason. Oldest trout. Oldest trout. You're playing a battle-hardened angler, okay, who's trying to retire in Macedonia, but they want him for one last job. I'm always playing battled, hardened people of one kind.

Give me something different. I want a touchy-feely piece, maybe with him like Wilson. Have we tried calling Wilson? He's not picking up the phone to you, Jason. Who do you think you are? I don't want to be battle-hardened. Why can't I be ballet softened, eh? So, there's this kind of trout called the Orid Trout.

It's very bony. Is that how it kills you? It waits until you've caused it, steamed it, served it up with some new potatoes, a little touch of butter, a little sprig of dill, a bit of parsley, and a crisp salad, maybe some parsley, a chervil if you can find it. Maybe a Sauvignon Blanc.

A nice super chilled Sauvignon Blanc, or a lovely Saint-Saint. A classic Macedonian Saint-Saint. A lovely Macedonian Saint-Saint. And you look, you're looking out at the sun, setting over the Macedon hills. You're looking west to western Macedonia. Well, you look west to Albania, actually. That's right.

Looking west to Albania. And you think, this is the perfect evening. And this fish, it's so perfectly tender. Really, really goes well with the sauce. Wait, no. It's surprisingly bony. You've beaten me. You've beaten me again.

All right, I like the ending, but do I then come back and fight that? That's it, Jason. Your character dies. Well, it's a change of course. I think this is the thing I might have mentioned before, is that basically when you go there, all the books say, this fish is very old, it's protected,

so you shouldn't, they're not eaten, they're not fished, because obviously they're one of a natural wonders. The only place on earth they exist. And then when you go to town, every single restaurant has a massive sign saying, eat or eat trout here. I remember a couple of years ago,

reading a bit about the Loch Ness Monster, and then beginning to convince myself that maybe there was a chance that it did exist. And I think there are some sort of semi-reliable people who went to university and did a science degree. Here we go. And maybe dropped out after the second year, because of an incident on a cross-court,

but they've come forward and they've said, there's a chance that it could exist. It's not impossible, is what people have said. Because it's true, isn't it? Sometimes anyone that's studied biology will know that sometimes, rather than getting a species, you just get this one animal that exists. That's massive.

Thank you. Then there aren't loads of them. Sometimes you'll just get one. Like there's that 15-story parrot. Isn't it that giant parrot that they've got? It's formally a year old. Yeah, it's formally a year old. And it's just one of them.

And it's just called the massive parrot. It doesn't have any... It's just that... Yeah, because that happens, doesn't it? Yeah, carry on. I take it back. Anyway, I'm trying to sort something out. It was possible.

Yeah, the V-shaped talsation. Yeah, that V-shaped talsation they've got in Canada, isn't it? That tiny V-shaped talsation. There's just one of them in Canada. The Wyoming Megafrog. Yeah, that's it. And the Wyoming Megafrog. Yeah, that one.

So there's loads of them. Yeah, I know you think about it. Yeah. But what if there was a breeding pair of Loch Ness monsters and they're actually a family... They were the family Ness. As the cartoon had it. You've just come up with another great idea for a sitcom.

And they're living with the Pope. Family Ness was a real TV show. On Mars. Yeah, it was a classic cartoon. They had a great song. Yeah. Anyway, so I remember for about five minutes thinking, okay, maybe that's true.

And then I started reading people's reports of having seen it. And then you're like, absolutely, fuck no. It's always like it came out strode in front of my car and roared. And then stuck his head through the sunroof. It's like always complete bollocks. Like obvious bollocks. And then it took me down to its cave and then sort of medically examined my anus.

Don't you think that kind of thing? Alien stuff. The same crowd, isn't it? Is he probing? Yeah. So, yeah. I'm going to stick my neck out and say, I don't think the Loch Ness Monster exists.

Well, if it does, it's not there anymore. It's in Area 51, under Lock and Key. With Elvis. Cracking codes. Cracking Chinese war codes. Right then. Have we got to the end of our section about the Loch Ness Monsters with none of us having done a Scottish accent of any quality?

We should stop quickly before Henry. Because the urge, I feel like I can see the urge rising. I think we've done it, you know. And let me just see if my friend Dougal here agrees. Yeah, I think you have done it. Well done. Dougals was moved from Scotland at the age of three. And where do you live now, Dougal?

Sussex. Sussex. Roma! I think we've actually pulled that off, haven't we? Nice. And do email in if you've seen the Loch Ness Monster. Oh, yeah. Send us your videos and your photos.

Yes. Please do. Yes. Oh, Missy! I love a wee girl on there! Time to read your emails. If you'd like to send us an email on any topic, send it to 3beancelladpod at gmail.com.

Good morning, Postmaster. Anything for me? Just some old shit. When you send an email, this represents progress. Like a robot chewing a horse. Give me your horse. My beautiful horse! The first one we've got is Listener Bollocking of the Week.

Nice and early. Bollocking loaded. Hello, Beans. This is from Jeff. Jeff, yeah. I would like to submit a Bollocking to one Henry Packer. Oh, that's a relief. I feel like I've had a few more.

You've had a lot recently, Mike. Yeah. When you snapped last week and didn't accept it. So we'll see what happens to Henry. He didn't push me too far. I would like to submit a Bollocking to Henry Packer who claimed that the captain of the whaling ship in Avatar... Sorry, we're talking about Avatar again.

Can I just say, this has just reminded me of something on the back of my mini Shredded Weets box, which I'm going to go and get now. Two seconds. Okay. So, I've got... Can you confirm these? That's an ordinary pack of...

That's an ordinary pack of what size Shredded Weets. The box is not many size that the Shredded Weets themselves. That's right. Yes. But I'll come on to that in a second. Carry on. What do you mean you're going to come on to it? You've got to talk about it.

You've got a dreadful sense of suspense. You're deploying it in all the wrong places. By the way, now I've got these here. It's going to be hard for me not to... I basically... If you eat one of those, your mouth's going to go so dry immediately. Yeah.

You're going to be in Clag City, and we're all going to feel it. I basically eat them dry out of the packet. I see mini Shredded Weets as a kind of dry, wheat-based, fat-free, crisp alternative, pleasure-less... Pleasure-less. Totally pleasure-less.

I see them as a totally pleasure-less, crisp alternative. It says on the front in big letters, Win Avatar Prizes. Well, that's right, because I'd already dry crunched my way through half of this box before I spotted it the other day. And the prize, gone are the days of a little toy or a little thing that you could have fun with.

You have a choice of two QR codes that you can scan, and that'll give you the opportunity to grow your own virtual Pandoran garden plant. So, how... There's no plastic toy. There's no red letter today. No white toys.

No plastic toys. No white guns. How the word prizes doesn't have... A massive asterisk. These prizes are not fun enough to be called prizes. We meant prizes more like a prize chump, which is what you are. But it's too late now

because you've already bought the shredded wheat. Then weave one. And so, David Cameron... Well, David... Well, David Cameron, you won two elections, didn't you? One anyway. But, James Cameron...

Also, I reckon if you scan this QR code, it just takes you to a video of James Cameron going, Listen, kid, you've got to help me out. I'm in trouble, big. Don't tell your parents. Wait till they're in the next room. Listen, I'm in trouble.

I'm on the line for this movie. Big time. I'm out of my own money. Everything is on the line. It's 20 billion dollars. Do you know how much that is? There's a lot of nice saying going on. And people ain't seen it in 3D.

They keep seeing it 2D, which means that's where the profit is, where people get the 2D class. I make the money from the set of the glasses. Don't you understand? That's the only way I make the money. Listen, kid. Listen, kid, you're all I've got.

I don't know who you are. Either you've got different fish to fry. You're probably between seven and nine. You're concentrating a lot on collecting stickers, your schoolwork. I need you to take your Christmas money. Take your Christmas money from your stack. Take your Christmas money.

Get down to your nearest Western Union, okay? You might not know what that is, but they've got the yellow signs. The Western Union, you take it. You tell it for James, because they'll know what to do. I'll take it. Listen, kid,

have you ever realized after I wrote the fifth one that it's all total bollocks? I'm sorry, bollocks. I'm so deep. It's worse than some of the time when you've pissed yourself in a sandpit or some such. It's worse than that, okay? Now, listen, do you...

I'm hoping, I'm hoping against hope that you understand what an iBan code is. You've overheard your parents talking about iBan codes. Something like that, right? Right, kid, there's a warehouse in Idaho. It's got 8,000 million gallons of blue paint. What am I going to do with it? I can't shift it.

I can't shift it. Not even the blue man group will buy it. It's the wrong blue. The wrong tone. At least they could get the blue man group. So, listen, kid, help me out. You're okay.

Just tell your parents what you want for Christmas for the rest of your life. Blue paint. Blue. Just blue. Blue. A stocking full of blue. A stocking full of blue.

Tell your parents. Tell them it's the latest crazy school. Don't try and link it to Avatar 2. They won't believe you. Just say it sounds like a crazy school. Well, here we are talking about Avatar yet again. Sorry. So, anyway, that was Jeff's fault, I think.

Jeff's got something to Avatar. We don't even know what his bollocking is. Let's go to Jeff's email. So, he was talking about when you, Henry Packer, claimed that the captain of the whaling ship in Avatar 2 had no motivation for killing the Whalians. Okay. Now, I picked up on this at the time

and didn't say anything. I kept my bollock, as they say. Thank you for doing that on my behalf, then. Now, he does say this is a spoiler alert. So, if you do want to experience Avatar 2 the way James Cameron wanted you to, don't listen to the next 30 seconds. There was quite an obvious scene

where he explained that his only motivation for killing them was the $800 trillion flask of human anti-aging serum created from their glands. Do you not remember that? To skin cream. So, I forgot there was such a logical, such a sort of straightforward chili. Is that why he is played by Tess Daly?

They put a gigantic swinge into the back of the whale. That's true. They draw out the brain glands and then they... And it makes an anti-aging serum. Yeah, which means you can live forever. So essentially, it was a skincare issue. It means you can live forever. Okay, so I think...

On one hand... I'll just say, Jeff says, it is a long movie and I think perhaps this may have been during Henry's bathroom break. Not everyone has the grit to rig themselves with a catheter and fecal tube to avoid meeting a single blue second.

Well done, Jeff. Well, can I say... Okay, on the one hand, I would say I accept the bollock to the extent that... Okay, there was a motivation. Provided. Hang on, Henry.

I've had to do a sorry but. For that character. Because once I won't tolerate on this show, it's sorry but. Apologies. But I have to say that I think if the motivation

you're giving your character is that if they do this thing, they can live forever. That almost doesn't count as motivation. For example, what are the great Mike Lee films where a character is motivated by wanting to live forever?

Do you know what I mean? It's not a kind of... It's almost like all been improved with a bit of that. It said it would have pepped up a few of them that night. But could it not be said, Henry, that every character is motivated by wanting to live forever?

Deep down. Well, exactly. That's why I think it almost doesn't count. I see. That's like saying, well, the motivation of this character is he doesn't like having his nipples twisted 360 degrees

while someone shouts in his face. Oh, yeah. No, do I? Well, you've obviously never seen Sexy Monk, Henry, because that is the motivation. Running through that film like a stick of rock. Okay. Is that an accepto bollock?

Or is that... When he's sort of questioning the bollock and also accepting it, he's doing a very tricky and nuanced... Being a bit slippery, Henry. I think what I'm saying is maybe wouldn't it... I tell you what, do you learn nothing from Avatar 2?

Maybe what would actually be better for all of us to do is to put down our bollocks and walk away from them. But we will be doing... Next week, we will be doing the snobolocking of the week, so... Yeah, so keep those bollocks coming in. Yeah, like...

Fresh and hard. It sounds like a reflective bollock to me. I think maybe that's what it is. Play the jingle. There's an absolutely gigantic thundersaw outside. Really? Yeah. Like one of the biggest thunderclaps I've ever heard.

Bloody hell. A big whopping thank you to everyone who's signed up on our Patreon. Yes, thank you. May the gods bless you. Go to... Thank you so much. ...patreon.com forward slash three bean salad

if you're interested in our bonus episodes or episodes without adverts. And if you sign up on the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out in the Sean Bean lounge where Mike was last night. Oh, I saw that one. Saw that lightning flash, Ben. Closer and closer.

Oh, yeah. It's not a thunderstorm. It's an alien craft, Ben. It's an alien craft. It's an alien craft. It says on BBC Newsday that everybody has left. You must have missed a knock on the door, Ben. You must have.

It's because I recorded in the podcast. And you would kill me one day. Cardiff is set to be dissolved imminently using chemical protocol. I don't know what that refers to, but... Of course, we moved the lounge, didn't we, to Soho while you're doing your Soho theatre run. Yes, thank you for that.

It's been a slightly different vibe down there. It's been... But a good night, nonetheless, with the Sean Bean loungers. It was woodwork night, wasn't it? It was woodwork night. It was woodwork night. In celebration of being in Soho, it was woodwork night. Thank you, Henry.

And here's my report. It was woodwork night last night in the Sean Bean lounge, in which Sean Bean loungers were challenged to carpentry to the maxi and effigy or representation of Sean Bean himself. Sean Bean adopted an inspiring, X-rated posture, and the evening began. Matthew Bryan constructed a stirring mahogany table,

which was powerfully evocative of the BAFTA award-winning actor's vibe and hands. William Simington whittled a miniature Sean Bean from Hickory, but unable to control a sudden impulse, swallowed it. Zoe Vogue's chain sawed a section of teak, but with the best one in the world, it looked more like an owl or a beaked Ewok. Callum Thomas used a whittling spoon to gouge a piece of hazelnut

into something that didn't look like, but felt just like Sean Bean. Jeremy Fitch pounded a mallet into a 500-year-old cedar until it's trunk had the same dimensions as Sean Bean's left thigh. Cat Gordon hand carved an oak Sean Bean hand puppet, and, by deploying a sliding bevel for use as a moving jaw, performed some of Sean Bean's most memorable lines from ITV's charm. Benedict's cordy not to be confused with Benedict's corby,

who has a lifelong band from the lounge, dropped his chisel and, having not got the memo that only one person's allowed to wear flip-flops in the Sean Bean lounge, and that ain't him, skewered himself to the dance floor and was only able to submit a dried birch log, which, to be fair, did resemble the back of Sean Bean's right elbow when viewed at extremely close range. When it came out to handing out awards, however,

Sean Bean was nowhere to be seen. We'd all assumed he'd been in attendance throughout, but he'd apparently planned a perfect replica of himself out of large and even found time to oil and varnish it. Thanks all. OK, that's the podcast to play us out a version of our theme tune by Dom. Oh, thank you, Dom. He sent it in.

He says, hi, Beans. I thought you might enjoy a generic grungy rock-style theme. Oh, would I? Oh, lovely. Lovely. Bit of grunge. Nice. Yeah, until next week.

Goodbye. Thank you, goodbye. Thank you, bye. Thank you.