Three Bean Salad - The Moon

Episode Date: January 11, 2023

Matt from The Cheese Deli sets thrusters to lukewarm and launches the beans towards the topic of the Moon this week. Expect solid Louis Armstrong chat, Connect 4, a hearty to nod to Liam Neeson and of course, more hot and fresh reaction to the second movie in the Avatar franchise.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladGet in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

On your recommendation, Henry. Yeah. Last night, I went to the Aversaille 2. Oh, my God, yes. Oh. It'll get you eventually, Mike. It really will. That's why I'm dreading. It's quite hard to process, isn't it? When you were talking about it last week, you were saying you were having a hard time wrapping your head around it. I'm in a very similar situation. I think obviously, let's not talk about it too much because we don't want this podcast to become a sort of avatar fan podcast.

Yeah. We rarely touch on the subject, do we? We could pivot to that. We could pivot to that. The current format is shaking a bit. Yeah. Do you remember the you were saying that it's quite dated? Yeah. It feels dated. Yes. And I'm thinking it does feel dated. I wonder why it is that it feels dated. And it's 100% the music, which is off the peg 90s Hollywood ethnic. Oh, no. Yes. So, do you remember that? All I was reminded of, do you remember the advert in the 90s in

Britain for, I think, Chutland and Gloucester or one of the other big building societies that featured a kind of slightly feral looking long head topless child diving for pearls? Yes, I do. I remember that. I remember his face. To the soundtrack of Carl Jenkins, Adi Amos. It's inconceivable to me that James Cameron didn't have that at the front of his mind throughout the entire production process. And by the way, for any of our foreign listeners, if

you haven't, if you haven't been to either Chutland or Gloucester, that they are exactly like that, aren't those places? They're almost, if you're not a pearl dive, you either work, you know, people, you either you organise pearl divers or you take pearl, you know, everyone works in the pearl diving industry. Or you dive for pearl divers. You dive for pearl divers that are lost, that are trapped under huge big pearls. Yeah. Yeah, you insure pearl divers. Yeah.

You buff pearls. You cater for them. You buff pearls. Yeah. Yes. So, what's that? Who's the soundtrack by for that for ad? So, there was a, it was a big 90s thing, wasn't it? Carl Jenkins, who's a Welsh commozum, did a thing called Adi Amos, which is like a, he made up a language, didn't he, for it? So, he wanted it to sound kind of... There's a lot of that in the film, and there was a lot of that in the 90s. Is that, it's not the same thing, but...

It seems kind of offensive to me. I don't quite know why, but it feels like it's... Yeah, no, it is, it is, it is offensive. They've gone off the peg tribal too much. Yeah, it's embracing, it's embracing tribal things to the extent of going... But a very nonspecific tribal. Oh, yeah, yeah. And you can imagine someone in the studio going, I think we need to put more percussion in, because they use a lot of percussion. It's a lot of... I don't know, yeah, yeah.

You just know, they just, look, just take my word for it, they do. It's embracing that sort of tribal things to the extent of, for example, going, yeah, I've got a single band of leather, it's a leather necklace that goes around the end of it. You'll notice, I'm a pretty cool guy, because it's actually got a small shell, which dangles on the end of it. Anyway, look, sorry, look at me, listen to me going on. Guys, we are OmniBank, and today, today, we launch Total Global Control.

OmniBank, on every corner, every corner, there's going to be an OmniBank. Let's do it. OmniBank, OmniBank. That's how you theme tune, I'm just, I'm playing around with... Isn't it? Headquarters in, Singapore, and Singapore, Singapore, and now introducing Singapore, OmniBank. Isn't it? More perl divers in the advert, more perl divers. More panpipes, more breathy panpipes, please. We need more pipes where you can hear the person breathing as much as you can hear the instrument itself. So you can always feel the lips around the aperture of the shell, or conch.

Because it's visceral. Yeah. In fact, sorry, that should be... That's the OmniBank theme, isn't it? So the OmniBank theme, guys, the new OmniBank theme is, and in the same way that when you listen to a conch, you hear the sound of the sea. When you listen to the financial markets... Someone blowing through a bit of gold bullion. Yeah. That's what our shareholders hear. That's right. Now, also, if you'll notice, if I put my sleeve here, you'll notice that I also have a single leather band, just a simple leather band that goes around my wrist.

And then on the end of it, you can see a small tooth. And I remember I'd cut this on my ear off. I was travelling around South India and say, it's a lovely... Sorry. But sorry, listen to me going on. Come on, I should be announcing our new policy, which is secretly draining pension funds world-round to fund the coffer of OmniBank. Yeah. That's the sound of a pension fund being drained. Yeah? Yeah. So that's the thing I think it really stands out for me, is like, James Cameron must have said to the composer, Have you ever been abroad? No. Good. Yeah, perfect.

Kind of African, but also kind of Pacific Islands, but also South America, but kind of Asia. Can you sort of try and draw on that? But just an imagined version of what that might be. Is an HMV voucher. Go and get yourself a couple of world music CDs to brush it all together. Don't go deep into the world music section, though. Keep it for their recommended top 10. And if they've got a little display bit with stuff on it, don't go too deep. But then also, just don't actually listen to the CD. Just look at the case and imagine what it might be. Weird film. Very weird. Yeah. It's pan pipes. It's blowing through conches.

So very percussive and sort of rhythmic, but yeah, with that uplifting. I assume there's just one single professional vocalist in Hollywood, and she's sick and bloody tired every day. They go to Hammer Heer, lady. What is it today? It's another Hammer Heer. I feel a bit rum about this now, guys. I think the world's moved on. But at the same time, she has Hammer Heed, her kids through college, hasn't it, exactly? She has Hammer Heed through college. She's a sweet new high-end that she buys a fresh high-end item every two years.

And just drives the elder into the sea. She's taking the Hammer Heer dollar. And also, the opposition, he draws a very, very clear opposition in the film between, so that there's the colonial forces of evil and the tribal forces of goodness, and also technology and natural wisdom, isn't it? So there's all the robot crabs, robot telepathic sea cucumbers versus Robocrab versus Robocrab, exactly. It's their musical motif for the colonial bastards, do they have? I think they're, yeah. Yeah, they'll have militaristic. It's all very off-the-peg music.

It's all off-the-peg music, off-the-peg militaristic. You've got to see it, Mike. I mean, it feels that way, doesn't it? But the idea of it is making me feel tired all over already. The first half is really hard-going, and then it sort of picks up when they all start shooting each other, basically. That's also a really annoying little mini Tarzan. Oh, yeah, the mini Tarzan. Can I forget about him? He's unbelievable. Is he a scamp, is he? There's a human child, for some reason, who's growing up with the Navi people, and they show this by, he's a white child,

who's got dreadlocks, and that's how they show that he's gone. So, again, he looks like a 90s. He looks like you've sort of tried to genetically splice and recreate a 90s guy, hasn't he? It's all about the 90s. In the 90s, have you got this little white guy with bleached sort of blonde dreadlocks, hasn't he? Yeah. And um... Loincloth? Fine loincloth. He's really, I felt so sorry for that actor, to absolutely thank his job he's got.

And it's quite a big role, but I've got no idea who the actor is, who plays him. It's not James Cameron's secret cameo, is it? I mean, he's ripped. He's in incredible shape, if it is. He's incredible. But I felt really sorry for the actor as well, because most of the time, he's in scenes with CG characters. So, it's like everyone else is just in a CG loincloth with their fake blue body out,

whereas he's the only one that's actually got to get in a bloody loincloth again today. Everyone else is just CG, and I'm actually here in a bloody loincloth. But everyone else has got to put ping pong balls on their knobs. They've got to put ping pong balls on their knobs, that's the other thing. It would be quite a sight, wouldn't it? And they can go to town on the buffet, right? But he's been told he's got to stay away from the donuts. That's right, because they're incredibly...

The Navi are incredibly buff. There's no Navi that's a tiny bit overweight even, I noticed. No, no. That's a good point, actually. You're perfectly buff. So, I'm just thinking that the making of documentary is an extraordinary scene, wouldn't it, than filming these scenes. So, you'd have actors covered in ping pong balls and snooker balls.

He's broadened it out to all the different balls now, hasn't he, Cameron? Yeah, all the small to medium sized balls. All the small to medium sized balls. Squash balls, a couple of ball bearings, when it's night. Squash balls for night scenes, exactly. But, as he's got characters covered in balls. Brussels sprouts at Christmas time. A couple of petonkas, as well.

What's a petonka? That's just a word for bollock, isn't it? Let's see jarring over there, petonkas. Or I haven't seen it. You've got petonkas when the French exchange actors are in, when they're doing that part of the program. I see like petonka balls, I see. I don't know what they're called.

Excuse me, Mr Cameron, can you get Mike to adjust his loincloth, we can see his petonkas. It's ruining the CG. No, not his French petonkas. His actual biological petonkas, yeah, that's the problem. He says he won't, we're going to have to paint it out afterwards. And obviously, and Maltesers on Friday, as a treat on Fridays. They use Maltesers.

Well, different sizes of chocolate balls. Don't last very long in the likes. Don't last very long. So, yeah, he'd have always had his covered in balls, being quite grumpy. And also, the temptation to make jokes amongst each other, the actors about, well, tell you what, there's one thing that's got more balls on it than my body,

and that's the content of this script. I tell you what, it must be a lot of that going on. Yeah, the script is balls, I was going to say. The script is absolutely stinking. It is so, such balls. So, I think that's great though. I think that's good. We live in tough times, difficult times,

and I think it's great reassurance that today, you can write a really dogshit script, and it might be made into a 10-pole movie. As long as you made some very good movies 30 years ago. Oh, that's true. That's the thing you haven't got going for your life. All you need, like, is for the previous film in that franchise to have been the highest gracing in my film of all time.

It really is that easy. But it is a beacon for all those bedroom screenwriters there. All you need to do, all you need to do. Just two steps. Just finish the script, that's the first thing. You've got to actually just get it written. Yeah, that's it. Then, you've got to have made,

you've got to have netted 10 billion pounds and gained 30 years of contacts. So, you've had all these actors covered in balls. Going, oh, this is absolute, this is a real... You know what I think is the most impressive balls is the balls on whoever there is that came up with this bloody script that Cachone is. I've done that.

He did that joke yesterday. I know, but we've just got to get through these little ball jokes. Once you're three months into the shoot. But I tell you what, at least I'm not that poor fucking naked kid over there. He's got his protocols on for you. He's going to be suing the production in 30 years time. Also, I can pretend it wasn't actually me that did it,

whereas him, he's actually him on camera. I mean, that's the thing, Henry. At the end, I found out that Kate wins that was in it. Exactly. And I was like, what? Yeah, there's all sorts of people in it, but you'll never know because they're all just seated right now. You can pretend they weren't in it.

Yeah. I mean, McKellen, no one's going to know I'm in this shit. I'm not going to tell anyone. Just take the money, go to Toro Malenos. That's why the only actor they could get to do that part was an actor that was doing his first job, I think, probably. Just someone straight out of prison. Also, my final avatar thoughts.

This maybe means nothing should have not seen it. There's a significant death that happens in the film. Other than the Wailian, the composer. Well, the Wailian, the composer Wailian that dies is such a weird Wailian to die because they never established why you should care about this Wailian, really. They tell you afterwards when they go, she was a composer. Every time someone dies in the film, Wailian included,

I've never felt less emotional steering at a death in any fiction. Right, okay. I know what you're saying, because I actually forgot it and who died, and I've just remembered now. But yeah, it was so little, it was so underwhelming. They died in your dislike. So they're completely peripheral to the story. Well, no, they're not.

That's the thing. They're one of the main characters, but they've done such a bad job of making you give a shit about this. Oh, I see. Blue creature. That they die and you just go, I don't care. It's because it's all so generic. It's because, I think one of the problems with the film

was because everything is CG, everything is created, and therefore everything is so generic. There's none of the accidental, like in life, you'll just get like a, they'll be an actor and have like a weird chin or one of his shoulders will be bigger than the other or have a crow follows him around. You're a big fan of the Hunchbacker, not driver. I'm a big fan, okay, let's face it.

We've got Ravens, we've got Crows, we've got Lovebirds back. He's the ultimate. He's the best character of all time, right? There's no bells in this film. Is that what you're telling me? Is that what the problem is? No, what you're saying is there's nothing accidental and real about everything's generic

because everything's like, so what, well, what would... It doesn't sound like it, you're right. Because everyone's got a perfectly buff body. This is part of it, right? Everything's too weirdly perfect. No one's got, I don't know, one nipple that is the wrong, you know, is an oblong sticks outwards or on the angle or that opens up like a book or just a little quirk.

They've left at home. Well, they've left at home because the little quirks that we all have about us that make us human and identifiable because everything is generic. So everything's sort of idealized in a way, you know what I mean? It doesn't have that random factor of real life in it. So you sort of don't think it's part of it. You don't identify.

No, totally, that's it. That's it, absolutely. Well, watch this space, dear listeners, because at some point I'll try and hit it. And then the avatar to Nae's saying podcast will continue. I'll confess, I'm a little bit afraid that I'll really like it. That could create the great schism, the great three bean schism. I actually enjoyed, there's a big action sequence

which I did enjoy. That's what I'll say. Yeah, yeah, this is good. It is, it is, it is. All right. I'll set it right up. Guy's arm comes off at one point, that's quite good. Ooh, golly.

Also, the other thing that's weird is that you're supposed to hate the technology and like all the kind of natural solutions. But I tell you what, I think I know who I'd rather, which side I'd rather be getting medical care from. Right. You're also watching it because of technology. Exactly.

I mean, there's literally a bit where the human technology doesn't cure someone and the natural technology does. I know, but still, I'm sorry, if you've got toothache, if you're going to, with the technology guys, if you're on that planet and you've got toothache, who are you going to? The technology guys, they can make you fall asleep, they can create a fake avatar where you are your own tooth

and you can see yourself getting pulled out so you learn about it. Rather than just sticking your head in a giant luminescence sea urchin. Or, yeah, you're going with the giant luminescence sea urchin guy. If that's on the high street then, you're walking in the high street. Because it personally is entirely blue, so you've got a massive sea urchin in there that is incredible. Stick your head in it.

Stick your head in it and just trust me. And also, by the way, if that hasn't sold you, listen to the music playing in our lobby. I'd be like, get me to the nearest dentist that is playing hard rock. In their lobby, like dentist, dental. That's where I'm going for my medical care. Yes.

Last thing, there is one bit that, in terms of that 90s philosophy and all that 90s hippy stuff, or even older than that, I don't know, but there is a bit where a crucial solution to an action sequence involves the heroes getting around together and doing some deep breathing work. Do you remember then? Yeah, yeah.

It literally... When it comes to the crunch. They do some deep breathing work, and that gets them out of a real bind. Okay, I'll try and bite the bullet. Although, I mean, the risk there, I mean, if I manage that between now the next week's podcast, then it's going to be a third week in a row,

and we're going to be talking about avatar. That's the risk. That's the risk, isn't it? But I think at some point for pod content, you're going to have to do it, actually, so we can square the circle, to finish it. You know what I mean? Okay.

Finish, square the circle, get the... All right, I'll try and dig deep. I think, Mike, it's got huge nap potential as well. You've got a full three and a quarter hours of potential nap time. Yeah. All right. Okay, sold.

And you're on tour now, Mike. You need to be finding things to do in the day in Scarborough, and things like that. You know, okay. All right, I'll hit semi-black Scarborough. Right, avatar podcast over. That's still on the B machine? Yes, please.

This week's topic, as sent in by Matt from the Cheese Deli. Thank you, Matt from the Cheese Deli. Thanks, Matt. Is the moon? Oh, the moon. I saw the whole love of the moon. Bit of water boys, is it, Benji? Do you think that in 1969, man went to the moon?

It's a great conspiracy, that one, isn't it? Because there's really not a lot you can do about it. You can shout outside NASA and wear a sandwich board and all that kind of stuff. Yeah. Yeah. But you can't, there's no email stream for that, right? No one's, there's no WikiLeaks for the 69 moon landing.

Yes. You can't kick in the door of Nancy Pelosi or a pizza restaurant in Washington DC. But is it a coincidence, Mike, that all of the people who went on that mission are dead? They're not, though, are they? Buzz Aldrin's alive, are they? Coincidence.

Coinkydink. I'm just checking. He's alive, he's 92. Well, is it a little bit odd, Ben, that only one of the people connected to that mission are still alive? Did you see that video a few years ago where someone, a thinker conspiracy theorist, shouts it out to Buzz Aldrin, something about him never having been on the moon,

and he just lamp them. Just not really in the face. Yeah. It's a really good video. Fair enough. I did hear a story about Buzz Aldrin doing it, and it's apocryphal, but I'll say it anyway. Buzz Aldrin visiting Great Almond Street many, many years ago,

and the kids being hugely excited that an astronaut was coming to visit them. And there's some sort of big foyer was there at the time where all these kids sort of spilled out of the wards and were standing in the railings at these different levels, looking down into the foyer, expecting Buzz to arrive. And then just sort of middle-aged man in it,

quite a nice suit, pitches in. Oh, yeah. They were so disappointed. There was no where was the spaceman. They thought it was going to be... Yeah, where was the helmet? Where was the special briefcase? Darth Vader.

They thought Darth Vader was going to come in. Yeah. Sandwiches in it. Yeah, and then finally they just, to a man, just turned on the heels and went back to the wards. The ultimate damp squib. Yes, they should have thought of that. Yeah.

Yeah, you can't. You can't promise 500 kids they're going to meet an astronaut and then just turn up within off the peg marks and sparks. That's not right. I've got a signed, I've got a signature of Michael Collins. Oh, really? The pilot or the Irish Revolutionary?

The astronaut pilot. You mean the guy that gave them a lift to the moon? Yeah, so he went to the moon but didn't go on the moon, which must have been a weird position to be in. So, there was three of them, was there? Yes. Yeah, yeah. One of them had to stay in the ship.

Michael Collins had to stay, he had to stay with, he kept the engine running, basically. Okay, that's the idea. In case things went wrong, just keep it on because you're going to get the heck out of here big time. Exactly, yeah. Because it was sort of a heist, wasn't it? It was planned like a heist.

Yeah, yeah. And also, I think it had a bit of a fiddly ignition as well, so they didn't want it then stalling and then they couldn't get it started. Very hard to get jump leads out there. Who's going to push you down the hill? You know, it's impossible. And to get the RAC out there.

At that time. At that time. At that time. In 69. It's just not on your policy. There's no way it's on your policy. And it's the classic thing where you said you'd write down your membership number,

you haven't, so it could be awkward on the phone as well. So, Armstrong, he got off the, is it module? Can we say the landing module? Can we say module? Yeah. There's the lander? The lander. I'd accept module.

I'd accept pod. I'd accept craft. So, Michael Collins, I think, stayed in the sky, basically. And then Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong went down on the little lunar module. Let's call it lunar podgeal. Landing podgeal. We'll call it the lunar podgeal.

So, he said, okay, you know what? Um, I've got to say, it is starting to feel a little bit of a stretch, isn't it? Because, I mean, now look, this isn't, this is by no means scientifically watertight what I'm doing, but I have been sketching out while we've been talking. I've drawn a pic, for example, I've done a basic, I've done a basic sketch of the lunar podgeal.

You've also written words, Liam Neeson. Where is he? How's he connected? Well, you've written, are you savoring it, Liam? You've drawn a slice of bread, is what I can say. You've written Liam Neeson across it. So, is that Liam Neeson written in jam across? Look, Mike, we all have what we need to do privately

to get us through the day, yeah? For some of us, it's like, for David Cameron, it's doing breathing exercises and chanting. Humma, humma, hey, oh! Two hours. Do you mean James Cameron? Why do you keep doing this? I don't know!

No, I'm talking about the ex-linger of the fucking Prime Minister of our country, mate. It was friendly conservatives, wasn't it? Humma, humma, hey, oh! It was the ultimate, I've got a leather necklace with a little shell on the end, and I go, humma, humma, hey, oh, and I'm draining your pension funds.

That's basically the manifesto. So, the reason I wrote Liam Neeson down is, I'm afraid it's something else I remembered about Avatar a minute ago that I was going to say and I forgot to. Right. So, I won't go into it now, but I'll just say in one go and then we'll move on, okay?

Yeah. Literally, all of the aliens, male, female, old, young, look like Liam Neeson. That's just something for you to all... Just cheese on that. He's uncredited. Shocking.

Completely uncredited, but his face is every single face. They basically, I think they only had time we needed to do one face. So, we spent all the budget on the, humma, humma, hey, oh, that lady is much more expensive than we thought she was. We've had to write the script in 45 minutes. We have to stick to our pallet saving,

our pallet saving measures of one color. It's blue, the cheapest color. It's blue for piracy. Well, I've talked about, we're not changing the font now. It's too late. We're not changing. We're sticking with piracy. Obviously, blue is the cheapest color

because if you look up and down, most of the time on Earth, it's blue. The blue ever is. The sky's blue. Most of the Earth is the sea, so you can easily grab. It's just the easiest one to sample. It's completely free.

It's still copyright free. And obviously Michelangelo invented orange. Most of the, a lot of the colors have copyrights attached to them, but complex. And I think the same goes face to face. Because, well, we give them all an individual face. We can't do that anymore. They've all got to have one face.

Liam Lisa knows me a favor for not casting him in Avatar. He's chose me for that. And he's put his face in the public domain as well, hasn't he? And his face is in the public domain, yeah. Yeah, creative commons face. Yeah. Obviously, because he's also, it's 50 years after you're born, isn't it, that your face runs out of copyright.

Right, he's executive. Yeah. He's over 50 now. Unless it's an official secret. In which case. That's right. Another 20. Yeah.

For example, Kim Thilby's face. Okay. So the point is, Sam, I just think it does look a bit of a stretch, doesn't it? Because you've got the landing, supposedly, we're supposed to think this landing podgeal, doesn't even sound like a real thing. Mm-hmm.

Worked. How the fliming Jiminy Cricket, do they get that landing podgeal back up to the, what are we calling it, a megaship, a mothercraft? Floating hotel. You know. I think that's a good one. Untethered premiere in.

Yeah. That, you know, that is the, that is the hard bit, isn't it? I would imagine. Yeah. But I would imagine the answer is thrusters. Of course. Good point then. Good point.

Saved it. You've got a very good. I've forgotten about thrusters. So was it always going to be, not Liam Neeson, what's he called? Michael Collins. Neil Armstrong. Of course, Liam Neeson played Michael Collins.

The other Michael Collins. The other ones. That's a strange. He didn't, that guy didn't even retrain. That would be a good mash-up movie, though, wouldn't it? And then 50 years later. The Moon Fairy. Yeah.

So Neil Armstrong. Yeah. We've got another name with two famous people attached to it. So we've got Michael Collins. There's not too many of them. Neil Armstrong. We've got Liam Neeson. We've got

Yeah, Neil Armstrong. Lams Armstrong. Right? Neil Armstrong. Lanky. Yeah. Strangely. No, the, the bloody, the trumpet guy.

Louis Armstrong. Louis Armstrong. Well, he was famous. That's what, where do you think he'd get your thrusters from? The trumpet for his thrusters. Doesn't just happen. Doesn't matter. Oh, I tell you what, wait, we don't have all the time in the world.

We need to get our, our oxygen's running out. Okay, we've totally got the wrong Armstrong on this mission. I mean, these, we just got set come off, great set come off, the great set come off, the great set come get produced by this. By these name coincidences. For God's sake, Louis. Pick up a bit of moonrock and get moving. Shift it.

Now your trumpet doesn't fit in your space mask. It'll be ridiculous. Manage a bugle tops. And stop putting that cover thing over the thrusters to make them go. It doesn't matter if they hear cool noise. We need to get the hell out of here. So Neil Armstrong.

Yeah. He got off. So do we know, was it agreed that he'd, he won a game of tic-tac-toe on the way? Okay. To go off first. Yeah. Michael Collins was already driving. Desi, Desi.

But he was, he was, he was off the source anyway for that year. He was taking special. So Buzz and Neil are getting lashed in the back. What is tic-tac-toe? Is that a game where you, everyone has to say either tic-tac-toe and toe beats tac, tic-mix-toe, toe beats tac. Is it like rock, paper, scissors? What, what is it?

It's noughts and crosses. Noughts and crosses about American style. Yeah. Okay, okay. Which by the way, is that, is that thing where when you get to a certain age and you realise that nobody, two people with intellect above an eight year old can't win, it just always goes to a draw, right? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's such a shit game. I can say, I had a lovely experience over Christmas, which was giving my nieces the game Connect 4, which is a great game. And it's wonderful to watch them unwrap it and smile for a few moments before. This is a PS what? This is a PS minus five?

This is some kind of might as a PS negative a million. How many, where are they? You plug it in because it's auto self-powering. Oh, thanks, Uncle Henry. It's the first auto self-powering PlayStation. And each of these, these superficially rather boring looking yellow and red plastic discs, they contain three dimensional futuristic worlds that we can explore. Brilliant.

And a sharing present as well, right? You said, A sharing present is a sharing present. This is a two player game. And we'll certainly, well, we can, I suppose we can instantly throw away this, the blue sort of casing with the holes that the storage throw that away, because obviously, once we follow one of these yellow discs, we'll be transported into the most magical world full time won't be, Uncle.

Oh, thank you so much. So, a Christmas triumph. So, okay. One thing I will say about Neil Armstrong, right, is I do, I've got to say, I do think one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind is an excellent quote. Because- Well, you got it wrong though, didn't you? Boo booed.

Is that what they say? It was meant to be one small step for a man. A man. But that's the trouble when you just learn your lines and you don't understand them. Step four. It should have got a better actor. Lim Neeson, for example. Exactly.

He should have said, One small step for a Neil. One giant leap for Neil kind. He's got great seven on bassoon and he's the first man on the moon. And I think that is one small step for a man, one giant leap. It's a really good line. It's such a good line. It's such a good quote.

And I was thinking about quotes the other day, you know, we may have talked about this before a bit, but it really annoys me. Certain quotes, you just go, that is not a great quote. That's just because that famous person or that particular person said it. For example, everyone's going to have their 15 minutes of fame. I mean, how good a quote is that? People are always talking about that. What are you talking about?

What does that even mean? I feel the same way about all of us are in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Because A, what time of day is it? B, are you living in a major urban conurbation, which in case you generally can't see the stars? See, what if there's a jutting balcony or something above? Is that what you mean?

No, that's not what I mean. Okay, keep talking. You've felt intrigued this guy. I want to know more. So yes, keep talking. I guess what it is, is maybe I'm being thick. I'm not really sure what he's getting at. Is he saying he's not face down in the gutter?

He's looking up. He's looking up. He's saying we're all flawed, isn't he? No, is he? Ultimately. But some of us have aspirations, is that what you mean? I think so. I think so.

I don't know. It doesn't hit my heart really. I do think it's a great one. But I also think, I think 15 minutes of fame. Why is that such a good quote? Because people go, I suppose he's having his 15 minutes of fame. But why is it 15 minutes? Is it just because f and fame start with f?

Is that why it's a good, why is that such a great quote? Because it could have been five minutes of fame. Or 40. Or 45. 55. 4 million. And 44. Also.

If anyone else said that. Like if a guy called Brian, yeah, who he does his every day, he does his grind, he does his daily grind. Yeah, kelp weaving. He weaves kelp. Hang on, you know he talks about how there's no famous people called Luke? Yeah.

There's no one. Who are any famous Brian's? Bless it. May. De Palma. Come on. Okay. Windsor.

Brian Windsor. Brian Windsor. A real name of the king of King Charles. King Charles is secret older brother. All stand for the king. We're entering the regal zone. Regal zone. Off with their heads.

On with the show. Listen not to the whores and the shopkeepers. Bring me more advisers. The regal zone. The regal zone. But what I'm saying is, if that guy, if just some guy said the, oh everyone gets their 50 minutes of fame, no one cares. But it's just because Andy Warhol said it.

Same goat. In this case, same goes for Neil Armstrong, probably. But. Well, hang on. No, I didn't. Because it's to do with the fact that he's walking on the moon. Yeah, exactly. So this one is, to be fair, this one is context specific.

And it's the best thing you could say. And that's true. If you said it walking into an asda, it wouldn't have to say affectable. Yeah. Okay. Here's a good competition for us, right? You've got no time to prepare.

You genuinely try and say the most inspiring thing you can. You're stepping onto the moon. Ben, go. Any time to think, you've got to say it now. New horizons. Sucking bland, right, Mike? I was given half a second to think about it. Exactly, that's the game.

Mike's had longer. Mike's had longer, so it should be better. Go, go, go. Genuinely, try and be as inspiring as you can. The dust of the moon is yet dust, as is the dust of earth beneath my fingernails. Incomprehensible garbage. And that's the end of the game.

Well done, everyone. Come on, Henry. Henry, you're going. Three, two, one, Henry. Beep. The bare wasteland before me is dry. And gray, earth is covered in animals, so always a lovely place where we should all,

and if I've learned anything from this experience, it's that we should all work together as a team, wear leather bracelets. Because ha-ma-ha-ma-he-oh-he-oh. Oh, he's done it. Ha-ma-ha-ma-ha-ma-he-oh. He's done it. He's done it.

Banking at Omnicorp. Omnicorp. Omnicorp. Omnicorp sponsors the moon. The only bank to have ATMs in space. That was actually quite good, Henry. Thanks, mate. Yeah, well done.

I guess the point is that Neil Armstrong did have quite a long time to think about it, and I believe someone wrote the line for him. I would imagine there was a bit of that. Yeah, there would have been a sounding board at the very least. It's the kind of line which it feels, you know, very simple.

But as we know, we're all seasoned writers, aren't we here? Wordsmiths. Yeah, that's where wordsmiths. I mean, for me, I can take a word and... You know, put it down. You can do any sort of it. You can grow a mushroom out of it. I can say it and grow a mushroom out of it.

No, but for us, words are like, you know, I mean, they're like, little... You know, we take them and we... Don't we, Ben? What do we do with them? We check them around. Well, I think of them as price stallions, and I breed them.

They're stud words. That's right. And when you, when people employ you as a writer, you see it as selling your semen, don't you? And that's why you declare it as a veterinary transaction, don't you? It's also helped from a tax perspective as well. That's right, because animal spunk is seen as a universal...

It's a tax-free dividend for the world. It's our HMRC to describe it. Okay, let's read your emails. And instead of using our normal email jingle this week, we've had one sent in by Samuel. Thank you, Samuel. Thanks, Samuel. Don La France.

Or En France. Oh, have you said it? In France. Yeah, En France. Samuel, I believe, is French. Samuel. Samuel writes, Hello, Cher, Areco.

Lovely. Greetings from Brittany. Oh, that's very good. So I'm imagining a striped sort of top. Yeah, buttons down one shoulder. Buttons down one shoulder. A bowl of cider. That's right.

With a huff in it. And a piss-smelling sausage waiting. Full of innards. Waiting to burst onto your plate. Because you're making my mouth water. Stop it, stop it. So Samuel writes, Hello, greetings from Brittany.

Attached to this message is my rendition of the email section jingle. I decided to sing it in French in order to appeal to what I imagine must be your huge French-speaking business ship. It's a testament to my indecisiveness as the one-minute piece features four different parts in various incompatible styles. You can see it as a sort of jingle buffet of sorts.

Exciting. Wow. But unfulfilling and slightly frustrating. So here we go. And when sending a courier, it represents progress. Like a robot who makes a horse. It represents progress. Like chips at the pizza.

Oh, wow. Mon Dieu. Merci bien. Merci beaucoup. For me, I think that might be the favorite jingle we've ever had played on the podcast. That was pretty darn good. It really is.

I think that's my favorite. Quite a sweet one. Amazing. It reminded me of late Serge Gansbourg. Yes. Because he's passed his sort of chanson phase and he's tried some experimental stuff just in reggae. Just was like, I don't think Gansbourg.

But it had that kind of sordid, had a slightly sort of sordid feeling to it that Gansbourg brought to everything he did. I feel like I've been on holiday. So Henry, I'm not a French-speaking, you are. Was he faithful to the original jingle or was it? I think he was, yeah. I heard a mention of a chivalre.

He said chivalre and he got a rhyme. He did quite a nice rhyme in there somewhere. I've basically been, I've forgotten. Because it was an original one. No, you forgot the French one though. I forgot the French one. Because I didn't have very good immediate memory. If you give me sort of 20 minutes, I'll probably remember it,

but it's too recent at the moment. You know what I mean? It's too fresh. But I think I was so swept up in the mood of the piece that I didn't focus on the lyrics that much. Well, thank you somewhere. Yes, that was so good. Merci.

I think, as I say, my favourite. I've got a really good record called Paris in the Spring, which is a compilation record of music from Paris in 1968. It's a really good record. I would recommend it heartily to those listening. And it's got that vibe, that kind of French 60s pop vibe, which is really absolutely fantastic. So he writes, please keep on beaning.

Or as we say in France, continuee de haricotterre. This is no other verb to bean was. Haricotterre. Continuee de haricotterre, I think is what he's saying. I guess he's created that from the beginning. No, come off it. Come off it. That's probably one of your top 500 regular verbs.

He also says, P.S., please make a France jingle. I think he's right. I think we do mention France enough that it's... That is true. But that's going to be a particularly tough task given where he's set the benchmark. It's true. Yeah, I think French-flavoured music.

Also, how do we avoid... It's such a cliché written territory, isn't it? How do we avoid... And we've done it so successfully with the other... Because we've actually... We've never done a cliché on this entire podcast. We've kept that, haven't we? From the beginning, it's one of our rules.

Of course. There'll be no cliches of any description on this podcast. So this might be our biggest challenge yet. Yeah, so any more language... Actually, I think any more jingles in foreign languages, I would really welcome. You know, like other language versions of our theme tunes. That would be great of our jingles.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, let's have Luxembourgish, please. So thank you, Samuel. Let's kick off with listener Bollocking of the Week. Uh-oh. Accessing listener Bollocking. Bollocking Loading. Bollocking Loaded.

Dear Beans, this is from Louis. Dear Beans, Mike. Oh, no. Last week, you described your solo tour as your Harry Styles moment. As I'm sure you know, while Styles might have had the most successful post-1 direction career,

it was in fact Zayn Malik who went solo from the band. The remaining four members, Harry, Liam, Niall, and Louis, continued... This might be from Louis. So he's going to know, right? Setting the record straight. They continued to perform and make music together before splitting altogether at a later date.

But what Louis doesn't know is that we previously had a fourth member who had been salad... Josh Rogan. Josh Rogan, Joe Rogan's brother. Joe Rogan's brother, Josh. That's when we were four being salad. And due to a technical thing,

we'd never actually put any episode down. But he was very much a member. And it was much more edgy, wasn't it? It was much more... He wanted it to be the Josh Rogan-Rogan-Josh show, didn't he? Where we'd just... Every week we'd eat a Rogan Josh.

That's right. Or we'd put Josh Rogan in a Rogan Josh, and then we'd discuss how that went. Yeah. Yeah. Which is a lovely snappy idea. It was a lovely top-line idea, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because it's got Josh Rogan in it, so it's got the Rogan thing, and it's also it's Curry, so it's very... You know, it's very... Well, we thought it was... Podcasts are a big hit, aren't they? You know, people love culinary podcasts.

Yeah. And it was a mixture of that, and obviously we weren't... Well, we had to spend a lot of time saying this. We were not anti-vax, were we? We were just interested, weren't we, in multiple opinions, and that's what we had to spend so much time...

And the fact that Josh Rogan said that eating a Rogan Josh would stop you from getting Covid... Yeah. ...was something that we have yet to properly disprove. Exactly. And also the... The work hasn't been done.

Yeah. Especially when he was adding that, is it Ivor Mectin he was adding to them? It was. It was. The Rogan Josh... Instead of chicken. Yeah, it was Ivor Mectin, Rogan Josh.

Yeah. That's right. And of course, that's because we had a fifth member, didn't we, before that, who was Ivor Mectin, didn't we? Who... His job, he was a horse tranquilizer. That was his job.

And watching him at work, because it was exceptional, wasn't it? He could do it with... All he needed was his hands, and the rest of his body. He could have a blowpipe. He would strangle horses until they were... ...single-fine.

Until they gently screamed themselves to... To incontinence. But I can say the other thing is... Tranquilizer is deworming. Well, again, again, we had to spend so much time, didn't we? Saying it's not a treat, it's not a tranquilizer. But the correspondence section was very busy,

because of all of this stuff. There was so much correspondence. And the other thing we had to keep on, and it's such a shame, to keep on saying it. And the payment structure was not a pyramid system. It wasn't quite simply. It was not pyramidical.

Pyramidal, in structure, was it? It was simply, we invited you to join the community. Yeah. Yeah. The only similarity with the pyramid would be that it... We thought it would stand for 8,000 years,

and it would be something that mankind would be proud of for the rest of the time. That's what we thought. That's the only similarity. The only similarity. And of course, the plan was for the biennial human sacrifice. Which is why that's where I was gone. So, Braveheart was a bit too...

Well, luckily, he was tranquilized to the nines, wasn't he, before... Before the Big Hammond came out. It was a humane podcast. Yeah. Yeah, we've come a long way, guys. We've really have come a long way. We have come a long way.

And I do wish, I wish, Josh Rogan all the best with his current endeavors. Very much the Zane Malik of our crew. That's what I've always said. That's what you've always said about him, isn't it? And yeah, well, thanks for bringing that to our attention. I don't think I could live with myself if I ever accepted a bollocking

that was a one-direction-based bollocking. So, I'm just going to simply stand my ground and reflect a bollock that. Reflect a bollock. Ooh! This might be your first ever, I think it is. You just tend to roll over. He does roll over, doesn't he?

I'm rolling over this time. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm a provincial middle-aged man. So, it's just the mention of one direction that means you're not going to engage yourself.

When faced with facts, and even if I've been wrong, if it's to do with one direction, then what we do, we say, well, that's not my sort of thing anyway. More of a Led Zeppelin man. Can we move on? Mike, I've been having a bit of a moment with Harry Styles this year, which is, or last year, which is...

Are you writing his gags for between the songs? I'm writing his gags now. And they're all very anti-Zane Malik, aren't they? They're all very anti-Zane Malik. It's a bit much. No, I've spitted twice last year. I shazammed a song on my phone, and it was Bloody Harry Styles.

Because you just had to know what it was. Well, that's what I do when I want to know what song is it. I shazam it. And normally, I shazam it, and it's a bit of a patting myself on the back moment, where I go, oh, yeah, cool. It's some kind of New Brooklyn band who are... I think the pitchfork media think are great and who are pretty cool.

I think it's the Kings of Leon. I must have a pretty good taste, because I just... And then... But yeah, so there's what I'm twice that. I shazam, thinking, oh, this must be some cool... Oh, and probably like some kind of cool... Maybe it's a Portland, maybe? Maybe a Portland from the Portland scene.

Or certainly, there's some new wave influences. It's really quite interesting the way they will... Obviously, they've ingested Joy Division. But they've also given it... It's called that sort of post-industrial urban. Really, really interesting. But with a likeness of touch, which is really quite current Harry Styles.

I tell you what, I've never re-troused my phone that fast in my life. I've probably burnt a hole in my... I've practically burnt a hole in my chinos. I'll re-trous that fucking now. Regroup, Henry, get home, regroup at home. Just don't let anyone know what's happened. Just smile at them, smile at them. Fine.

And yeah, do you ever do that? Was it his song, Watermelon Sugar? I think one of them was Watermelon Sugar, which is... That's the only one I know, because... The other one was As It Was, which I've turned out was the most streamed song of last year or something in Britain. Oh, I know that one. It's a great, really, really good tune.

Tell you what, though, I saw on YouTube Harry Styles doing a cover with his band of Peter Gabriel Sledgehammer. So very much of your street potentially, Mike. It's very good. Yeah, search for Harry Styles Sledgehammer. Great performance. Love it. Maybe I'll watch that one while I'm watching Avatar.

That's a good idea. Watch that while I'm watching Avatar. Well, you can get the new 3D... 4D specs it's called. You can get with Avatar, where you put them on and you just watch something else. Brilliant. It's brilliant, apparently.

All right. Well, thank you, Louis. That's a first reflective bullet from Mike. Oh. Thanks, Louis. Maybe 2023 could be a different source for Mike. Different, new leaf. Might find one bite.

Yeah. Watch Out World. This is an email from Ben. Different Ben. High beans. Have a different Ben. Ben's Sitsbath Experiment reminds me of the least relaxing experience I have ever had.

A bike crash at university absolutely tore my ass asunder. Oh, dear. And I had to take six Sitsbaths a day while recovering. Oh, my God. A full, a full, a full, full, yeah. Oh, my God, yeah. Full pouch, full quiver of Sits, the six Sits. Yeah, that's maximum you can do.

Yeah. Otherwise, your ass gets too briny. That's right, yeah. Becomes, technically, he becomes a pickled ass. That's right. Yeah. He says, I couldn't take a real bath while my leg was in a cast, so the hospital sent me home with a sort of baby bath slash toilet insert.

That's right, yes. It took me about 10 minutes on crutches to set one up in the dorm toilet stall. And then I had to soak, like, then I had to soak like a, like a pervert's tea bag for another 10 minutes. Praying that nobody used the neighbouring stall or asked why I had brought a two-litre bottle of warm water and a foot bath in with me. Miserable.

Oh, dear, Ben. So he was having to, he was having to Sitsbath in a sort of public toilet in a shared bathroom. The queue outside the door. Oh, sorry to hear that different, Ben. Sorry that we dredged that back out for you. Sorry, sorry to have brought that back. Yeah, because this is, he's referring to a product you can get, isn't it?

Which is, because Ben and I, we did our Sitsing at home in our, in our normal light, light down baths, didn't we? But you can, you can buy a little, imagine a sieve, but with no holes in it, which you hang on the inside of the toilet. A bowl? Yeah, a bowl, there you go. Yeah.

Yeah, and not an unperforated sieve or a bowl, if you prefer. Yeah. If you can't imagine a bowl, imagine a sieve, and then just one by one take away the holes. Just one by one, seal them up mentally. And, yep. And remember, don't be careful that you don't mentally unseal some of the ones that you've already sealed as you go around.

So probably come up with a system where each of those holes has a number or name attached to it. You could use the Cicero technique, which is you imagine a very, very big house, and each of those rooms in that house has a- As a whole. As a whole, as a whole in it. And fill them up as you, fill them up as you go around.

Yeah, but see, you hang it on the inside of the toilet, you sit down. Yeah. And as you described, you get the sits bath, you can have it on the move, rather than just at home. But so in the bath. Yeah, exactly. On the move is pushing it.

On the move is pushing it. But I don't know, you know. It's like a commode, I suppose, but for baths, rather than going to the loo. Was that a university that happened to him? Yes. No, that's not my ideal. Is it a difficult time when you're meeting people?

Well, was it fresh as week? He didn't say, did he? Let's hope not. In my mind, it was fresh as week. Day one. Yeah. It's time to be the fatty man.

Patreon, Patreon, Patreon.com. 4 slash 3 bean salad. Thank you, Patreoners. Thank you. As always. Thank you very much indeed. And if you're interested, go to patreon.com. 4 slash 3 bean salad, where there are little tiers you can sign up for.

There's the no ads tier. There's the bonus episodes tier for the monthly bonus episode. There's also the Sean Bean tier, which gives you a shout out in the Sean Bean lounge, where Michael spent last night. Oh, you betcha. Another classic. Oh, what a night. One to remember, I'd say, because of course it was the...

It was the annual municipal bin collection, wasn't it? What? It has to happen. It was indeed. Thank you, Ben, and here's my report. It was the annual municipal bin collection day at the Sean Bean lounge last night, which meant, of course, it was the birthday of James Hole, which meant, of course, the 42-candled cake made for him by Toby Krause

had to go directly into the food waste bin. As Per James dithered over his wish and failed to blow out or remove the candles prior to the cake's disposal, and it fell to Daniel Sherrington to fish them out before handing the soiled candles to Harry Rhodes, who was this year's wax bin captain, and giving the flaming wicks to Benedict Corby, who'd drawn the short straw and was in charge of separating waste

that was a flame, emitting radiation, or capable of biting. Ampsey Herman on dry recyclables found their wheelie bin strangely empty, but a tip-off from James Nicholas threw light on the matter, and it was discovered that JKT on wet recyclables had been stealing Ampsey's goods and dunking them in hot piss. Louise and Skye bravely volunteered to put out the municipal sin bin, which this year contained Justine Malone and Jennifer Dunstan Furnace, both of whom deny all the charges.

There was top quality work from Alex H on landfill, Gianna Pollard on seafill, and Paul Rogers on skyfill. Rob Hearn innovated with an open clinical waste skip, which drew criticism and plaudits in equal measure. Jacob Douglas won this year's grant from the Sean Bean Institute for Research into the peacekeeping, post-apocalyptic and pastoral applications of bingus, and left happy with 40 gallons still and 40 sparkling. And the Sean Bean to duck and fly tip award went to Alex Baker,

who successfully got rid of a bag of AC to DC adapters within a microwave, within a cracked bath, within a chest freezer, within an L-shaped sofa that also had a wasp's nest in it. The Sean Bean loungers never felt so fresh. Thanks all. Okay, so that's the end of the podcast. To play us out, we have, as always, a listener version of our theme tune. This is from Chris from New Zealand. Brackets near Diamond Harbour.

Oh, lucky Chris. A lovely part of the coast, a lovely part of the coast. Chris writes, Please may I present my humble offering of a theme tune in a style that I'm calling New Parental. It's a four-piece composition, comprising A. A baby's toy glockenspiel that only features five notes. C, D, E, F and G, one of which dings while the other four dink.

Okay, yeah. B. The atonal humming of a sleep-deprived man in his 30s filling the remaining notes. Mm-hmm. Okay. C, the constant background whining of a dog confined to her crate because there's a cat out of the window that she would like to bark at. Wow. And D, the plaintive squealing of a baby who would like to hit his own glockenspiel,

but it's daddy's turn for a second. Wow, what a quartet. Wonderful. This has been recorded live in one take on a cell phone, and I've elected to keep it pure by doing absolutely no post-production. So raw, so fresh. Thanks, Chris. Thank you, Chris.

Thank you. Thank you, Chris. Thanks all for listening. Bye.