Three Bean Salad - The Pyramids

Episode Date: October 9, 2024

True to form, Tutankhamun from the Nile Delta has selected the pyramids as this week’s topic. Were these structures named after the shape or was it the other way around? Were they meant to be that shape in the first place or did they just run out of bricks? If they’ve REALLY been there for thousands of years how come they aren’t totally covered in graffiti tags and pictures of willies and stuff? For answers to all these questions and more why not try Wikipedia or Reddit or something? For a lukewarm take - press play.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladWith thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Merch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [e-mail] @beansaladpod

Benjamin, you are fresh back from your field trip. I am. What's this? Ben told us last week that he was going on a special field trip to, I don't know if you were going to reenact or just pay homage to the Battle of Naseby. Oh yeah. I went to a battlefield tour of the Battle of Naseby. Oh my lord. Which I'm sure we all know, it was the turning point in the English Civil War, or as it's now more often known, the Wars of the Three Kingdoms.

Oh. England, Wales and Scotland? No actually, England, Scotland and Ireland. Because after what we think of as the English Civil War, Oliver Cromwell went to Ireland and had quite the time. He did not conduct himself well, did he? No, he really did not. I had a great time.

Me and my friend Mike went to, we stayed in a Premier Inn in Rugby. Very good. And the reason I had to go and stay in a Premier Inn was because it began at 8.45am. Very good. Which is what you'd hope, isn't it? I mean, you want it as close to dawn as possible, don't you? So you can imagine the mist coming over the horizon. Exactly. And the round heads in the distance. But not you at your peak, I think we can say, Ben, can't we kind of quickly say that? You at 8.45am?

Jesus Christ. I mean, I know that's not early. I know it's not early. Yeah. But it really does feel early to me. Jesus Christ. I mean, I know that's not early. I know it's not. Yeah. Really desperate to me. Yeah. Cause the sun's been up for only about what? Three hours. I mean, basically farmers are going back to bed. Baker's are starting tomorrow's batch. Yeah. When a Baker's are working on the affairs, the, the, the Mount, the extra amount of affairs that, that, that keep them busy when they're not actually baking. Yeah. It's going from house to house.

With a big comedy baguette that looks like a penis. With a big comedy baguette that looks like a penis, which is actually deliberately hiding in plain sight thing, isn't it? There's no way he's going to sauce my wife. He's walking around with a huge phallic loaf. Because the baker's penis is actually sort of finely lattice, isn't it? A bit like a cheese and onion pastry. That's right. It's like a plat. Yeah.

Yeah. And he is sourcing your wife. Oh, he's sourcing. You're right. And he's sourcing everyone's wives. Apple sauce. Apple sauce. Special custard.

Special custard. Bechamel sauce. Creme patissiere. Eat this without licking your lips. Yes, it's nasty stuff. It really is. It's really nasty stuff. It's not a nice start to the show at all.

No. Well, the thing was, I said, when we booked the premiere in, I said to my friend, Mike, not you Mike. Can I say every time, every time, I was just the elephant in the room here. Yeah. Every time Ben says, my friend Mike, I feel like it's like a sort of wound. It's like a sort of stabbing is happening over the internet. I just feel like Mike's just taking a little...

Because he never refers to me that way. He never refers to you as his friend Mike, does he? You're just Mike. You're my colleague Mike. Also, it's almost as if Ben is helping us distinguish which Mike it is by saying my friend Mike. So we know it's not this Mike. The one you'd want to spend a weekend in Naseby. Exactly. Exactly. Even though you know full well

that there's another Mike, you know, that would absolutely chop off his chop off his to any kind of battle reenactment. I mean, he'd absolutely love that. Wouldn't he? Your colleague, Mike. Keep on telling us about your friend, Mike. Who is this? Sorry, by the way, who is this dick? I'm angry now. Does he have a moustache? No. What's he got going for him? He's got a lot going for him. I think I know which Mike he's talking about. And I think the Mike he's talking about is, he knows his history, this Mike. Oh yeah, he's a big history Mike. Everyone has to say they don't have a favorite mic, don't they? So we'll just stick with that. Yeah. So booking the premier in

yes, over WhatsApp sort of, let's go here. Let's do a separate. Nothing not big. I'm not gonna fix it. We've got a separate WhatsApp group with the other mic. Just Yeah. Is it a group? Is it all mics but but but but but wasn't yak? Fun mics, nice mics. better than the fun mics. But in the fun mics. Okay, anyway, go on. So you got a little WhatsApp group. Very, very cozy, lovely little picture. Yeah, nice little. Yeah. Yeah. Good on you.

And I say, Oh, you know, obviously, we'll have to get a pretty shot. Shall I book the breakfast? Do you get a breakfast in a Premier in unlimited breakfast? Yeah, you pay for it separately. Yeah, paper separately. So it's not it's's not included. No, no, no. And I'm thinking there's no way I'm getting to that breakfast. I'm, I'm waking up, I'm tumbling into my Saab, driving to Naseby. Yeah, terrible, terrible mood.

In a terrible mood. Yeah. But he was like, no, of course we'll get the unlimited breakfast. Which means we actually had to get up quite a lot earlier. Well, if you've paid for an unlimited breakfast, do you want to make that worthwhile? It's got to count. Well, that's the thing. So I was like, Oh, I'll get up like what?

10 minutes for breakfast. He was like, Oh no, it's unlimited. We need to put in a shift here. Yeah. I mean, ideally you'd want to be getting, getting to it the night before really. Wouldn't you as they're laying it out, you want to be hitting that scramble leg before it hits the tray. You want to get your head between the initial spatula and the tray so that they're just spatula-ing it directly into your face. It never actually

hits the tray. Henry, it's not a spatula, it's a nozzle in this kind of place. It's a fully nozzle-based system. That's right. Because they've got, haven't they? I've seen it on a documentary. They've got a brilliant, it's an omnibreakfast nozzle, isn't it? So it's a, it's a central sort of egg shaped metal unit, isn't it? Which floats around on a, on a gyroscope, doesn't it? So, and it's used, these are the same technology they use to control the sky cameras at football matches. It's got four retractable metal, clean, very tall buildings. Yeah. It's just a setting, isn't it? And if obviously if you get it wrong,

that's why the last year famously they caked the shard in sausage meat, didn't they? Pellets of hash brown. So you've got to be careful. And that's why briefly all the crows of Europe are in London, weren't they? They all flocked onto the shard. It looked great on Instagram. And to get them there, they had to cover it in breadcrumbs. So Europe ended up essentially with a Scotch shard. Yeah, they had a Scotch shard. It's an omnibreakfast nozzle, so it's got sausage meat. But it's also a maitre d, that thing.

It's also a maitre d. They've drawn a little moustache. They've kind of drawn on. Welcome to Premier Answer. Are you ready for your unlimited breakfast experience? Oh, sorry malfunction and filling up your ears with sausage meat. It's happening again. That kind of thing happens quite a lot because it's still it's still new technology. But how was the breakfast? It was actually really good. Trays? Metal trays? No, it's not prison. Metal trays. You can only eat with your fingers. No, it's not a prison is it? So what was it buffet? Was it buffet style? Was it, how does it work the infinite breakfast there? Fully buffet style.

Do they call it infinite? Um, unlimited I think is the word they use. Is there a difference between those two things? I just think infinite is a huge concept for premiering to be wrestling with or making you wrestle with or, you know what I mean? It's such a big concept, Infinity. Yeah. I think you want to imply that the buffet will end either like if the world ends or at a certain time in the morning. Or as infinite. Infinite suggests it's going to go on past 11pm or the apocalypse.

So I had my, my, my, my infinity breakfast. Yeah. So you've loaded up. I've loaded up and, my, my Infini breakfast. Yeah. So you've loaded up. I've loaded up and actually I'm in a great mood. Yeah. Yeah. Well, of course you've got the, you've got the fats, the fats and salts and sugars are doing their work now, aren't they?

Well, normally post a full English or post like fish and chips or post any kind of classic British meal, you just feel terrible. Yeah. We feel euphoric for 45 seconds and you have to make it somewhere soft that you can lie down in the time. And the only way to actually work off that fat is to work on a building site for 12 hours. That's the only way to not, to not, yeah. But I was so excited about what we were doing that day. It didn't, it was like my first ever pain-free full English. It just kind of went down and I was excited. Okay. Drove to Naseby.

Now, what I was excited about was that we're being taken around by a former military man who had made clear in the email beforehand, but he was former military and he'd be using a bit of that experience to help us understand the Battle of Naseby. Okay. So this was like proper people, right? Yeah. We arrived in the car park of Naesby

Village Hall and he was standing there outside the village hall in camo with beret. And I was like, yes. Although can I just point out something, the fact that you were able to see him suggests he wasn't that well camo'd. Well, he wasn't wearing village hall camo. If he was worth his salt, what would have been the first sign you had of him with a bag over your head, he'd have been dragged into a bush. What was his military provenance?

Did he tell you? Or could you tell from the beret immediately? He was in a cavalry regiment, but I think in the 20th century, you know, that doesn't mean horses does it? It means... I think that means like armoured cars and things like that. It means robo horses. Robo horses.

Yeah. It's the horse that you saw at the end of the Parasolimics opening ceremony. It means that robo horse, robo horse division. It's actually pretty, pretty advanced. Man, he was great. Like he was really great. Newest stuff about battles, et cetera. It was really good.

So he's a real deal. So this is exciting. He's a real deal. He sounds good. Yeah. And I liked that he'd put the uniform on. It was good. It really sort of got me going. And also, they had a fun double act, him and the other guy. So the other guy was from the Sealed Knot. What's that? The Sealed Knot.

What's the Sealed Knot? You don't know the Sealed Knot? No, I don't know the Sealed Knot. The Sealed Knot is the UK- wide Civil War reenactment society. Ben, I'm worried that we're losing Ben to a world that we can't join him in. We can't go with you on this journey, Ben. You're going to have to put on your armour and go off and that's, that's the sacrifice you have to make.

To be honest, it was palpable to me that I was like, I could make a decision here and become like a civil war guy. And that could be me then until death, basically. You've not heard of the Sealed Knot? No, I've not heard of the Sealed Knot. The Sealed Knot is probably the biggest land army in Britain. Yeah, but it's made up of middle-aged men. Pikes and muskets. With no actual...

Yeah, but it's made up of middle-aged men. Pikes and muskets. With no actual... Yeah. How are they up against an Apache gunship? You know what would be funny? You know where they'd actually... This is quite a good idea for a film. In the event of a kind of, some kind of global mega computer virus that wipes out all modern

technology, Britain would have to defend itself with the Naseby technology and the Naseby like 200 middle-aged guys. That means the sealed knot are taken over. That means these guys are then in charge. I think if you're sensible, Ben, you'll get involved with these guys. When you join the sealed knot, you need to decide if you're a roundhead or a royalist. Blimey. And that's a big question, right?

Because it says a lot about you as a person. Yes, do people want to wear their genuine modern day allegiances on their sleeves then? Is that, that's not just an arbitrary thing, is it? I think they do. I think there's a bit of that going on because you know, you sort of think, Oh, you ought to kind of be a round head really. But then surely the Cavaliers had more fun, you know?

It's a bit like if you were doing a Star Wars reenactment, it'd be probably slightly more fun to be a Stormtrooper. Is it? Is that an accurate? No, because the Stormtroopers don't feel like they have like fabulous parties. Do they? Oh, I see what you mean. No, probably not.

Whereas like the Royalist troops in the Civil War, it feels like they were the ones who were like just having a great time. And the roundhead gang, they basically banned fun afterwards. So it'd be like being in Stars Renetment. You want to be one of Jabba the Hutt's kind of just in that vibe, that, that, that scene, the Jabba the Hutt scene. Yeah. You want to go full kind of bordello back in alien, sort of, yeah, back in

alien, bordello in the future, kind of that, that, that kind of crew. Alien brothel. Alien brothel. Your standard D street, Soho Thursday night. Yeah. Yeah. God, I, night. Yeah. Yeah. God, I, uh, yeah.

Good. That hog beast has 15 boobs. I'm going to go and cop off with it. The 15, the 15 boob hog beast, that kind of thing. Yeah. That's the Royalist sort of vibe, I think. Yeah. Whereas I think the roundhead vibe would be much more like eat your gruel and read your

job. Yeah. I had a the roundhead vibe would be much more like eat your gruel and read your job. Yeah, I had a great time last night. I met a girl in that in that Jabba the Hutt bar where our eyes met across the bar because our eyes literally flew out and flew into my eyes. It punctured my eyes inwards, they went into my body, they've eaten my body from the inside out. And I'm now her telling this story. But from my point of view, previously, because I'm now about to do the same to you. That's what that's what scene? That sort of vibe. That's very much what a weekend with a sealed knot is like, I think. This guy who was with the sealed knot then, what side was he on?

So he in the reenactment plays, he's like high up in the roundhead world, I think. Okay. It's like a winning side for Naseby. Because I think when you join the Sealed Knot, you have to just be a grunt. Right. Are you genuinely have to work yourself up to you? I think so. Do you have to wait for the person ahead of you to die in battle before you go?

Yeah, I don't know. And what if you really look like Charles the First? Like surely you can like come in and be like, guys, come on, look at my goatee and my little, look at my hair. I turn up and be like, right guys come on, look at my goatee and my little hair. I turn up and be like, right guys, my character is called Henry the Randy. I don't really take part in the battle so much, but I'm very much up for these apprey battles. I look after the swine. Five miles behind the front line. And I've also built this rudimentary alien brothel. I don't know if this can be...

You're a bitch, I know that. It's a kind of different dweeb scene. It's a sci-fi dweeb scene. There's a kind of an overlap, which I think is alien brothels. My character's got five dicks. But I've only been able to make one of the spare ones. The other three you have to imagine at the moment. One is real, one I've made out of plasticine this morning. Let me know what you think. I'm wanting to take notes. I'll take feedback. Just imagine the others. So what was fun was we had the man from the military who made clear that he was Royalist side, he thought they were great.

As you'd expect from an ex-cavalry man. Yeah, exactly. That makes sense. Yeah. And then the guy from the sealed knot was very much like, I'm into Oliver Cromwell. Yeah. So there was a little bit of fun banter all day between the two of them. Uh, okay.

Nice. Yeah. Which was nice. Nicely done. Yeah. Yeah. And then we just drove around to various bits of the battlefield and they would, we'd get out and they'd tell us what happened there and all this kind of stuff.

There was one bit where we had a Kit Kat and some ginger beer. Included? Included. Wow. Two finger, four finger. Two finger. Come on. Ginger beer. So it's, yeah. So it's very sweet. It's also quite. You could, four finger. Two finger. Come on. Ginger beer.

So it's, yeah. So it's very sweet. It's also quite. You could have some slow gin as well. Okay. Yeah. I was driving there. Yeah.

Well, while that happened, a guy dressed as a dragoon came along. Lovely. Okay. On his horse. Wow. On an actual horse? Yeah. Blimey.

That's cool. Was it a Gementus occasion? Well done, Henry. Ring the bell. Well, the Gementor bell. The Gementor. By the way, just for anyone that hasn't, that doesn't know, Gementus is a word we've discussed in the past, which means smelling of horse piss. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Doesn't it? It wasn't Jumentis actually. It was a... Okay. Smelled sweetly. It was continent. What was fun about it was that the other people who were there were all just like... So Mike, my friend, my other friend, Mike.

Yeah. Nicely done. Not you, Mike friend, the other Mike friend. Very good. Other Mike friend. And not that you've got to do so. I thought you're saying you've got to Mike friends aren't Mike. Mike said in the back of my friends, it is, it is a common mate. And Mike, not everyone can like all Mike's can they Mike? No, I know that. Ben is clear from this. We've learned doesn't like you. We've learned that. On average, how many people like how many other people? It's not, it's not an insult to you.

You have to not feel it that way. One of the fun things that came across for me was how much the outcome of a battle like that in which thousands of, well, maybe a thousand soldiers will die. And it will sort of tell us what happens in the island of Britain for the next hundreds of years. It's a big, you know, it all comes down to this. Can be totally fucked up just by one guy being a bit of a bellin? Do that happen? Yeah, so on the royalist side, the people in charge are Charles I.

Yeah. Div. Bit of a div, I think. Yeah. Mustachioed div. Yeah. Div. Bit of a div, I think. Mustachio Div. Yeah. All stand for the king. We're entering the regal zone. Off with their heads. On with the show!

Listen not to the knaves and the shopkeepers! Bring me more advisors! The Regal Zone Just kind of classic King basically, slightly sort of... Incredibly shiny buckles on his shoes. So shiny. You could see into your own soul in his shoes too shiny because a lot of the pros here weren't even aware of the concept of shine. Yeah.

So terrified them. They assumed he was on fire. Prince Rupert of the Rhine. Yeah, sounds like an absolute class a bellend. Careful Henry because that because that's Bondurmin's great great great great great uncle. I know that's Bondurmin's ancestry isn't it. Prince Rupert of the Rhine was actually sticking his bloody oar in. I mean the amount of powder on this person. No, Prince Rupert of the Rhine was kind of this 25 year old dashing young prince. Like, oh, the ladies love Prince Rupert of the Rhine. He's like a proper like Lord Slash Art style guy. And military brilliance was his thing.

Really? Did he turn up with his own army or was he one of those European lads who turns up with a bunch of like, breath on mercenaries or whatever? He turned up from Europe to take charge, but I don't think he brought anyone with him because he's Charles I's nephew. Yeah. But I think he is sort of German. Um, there's a guy called Lord Astley, just sort of off the peg Lord. There's a guy called Mama Duke Langdale.

Who's fucking great on a night out, right? Battlefield, not so much. Not so much. He's all talk. And there's three main bits of the battlefield. So in the middle is King Charles I, with I think Lord Astley. They're the main bit in the middle. Never gonna give, never gonna give, never gonna give up ground.

The vibes are terrific in the main the vibes are terrific never gonna give up ground never gonna let you down never gonna run away all those spoilers we do end up running away gonna call the cavalry wait and see gonna use some archery to hurt you. I love it. Before we get bollocks, I know there was no archers there. And also some of those lyrics didn't perfectly scan onto the Rick Astley song. So was Charles actually in battle himself? There's something I always wonder about.

When is the, how often is the King actually there doing the stuff or is he like? So he's very much there, but he's also very much at the back. Okay, yeah. After you, no, go ahead. No, no, no, after you, please. He's by the Vollivans gazebo, isn't he? He's not moving more than five metres away from that samovar. No.

In fact, he's actually, they've built this for him on purpose, but he's encased himself in a sort of giant sort of prawn volvo, hasn't he? On horseback. It's very hard to get those on horseback. He's got a secret door at the back that him and his horse can fit in. And he just stays in there till the battle's over and then he comes out and he goes, oh bloody hell, that was great. Who won?

Oh, is it finished? Oh no. Anyway, so yeah, go on. So he kind of was in control and kind of in charge, but he's very much at the back just going and watching it happening in front of them. But dressed up. So he's in the middle with Lord Astley, I think. Someone will email and tell me I'm wrong.

On the right flank is Prince Rupert with the cavalry and they're all being very sort of dashing and kind of, they're the ones that go first. They're the premium end. Premium stuff. Yeah. On the left, similar deal, but with Marmaduke Langdale. And there's a big turning point in the battle, which is that Prince Rupert is the military genius.

So he should be standing next to King Charles I telling him what to do. But he's not. Why didn't he stand next to Charles I? A lot of historians think it's because there's another man there called Lord Digby. Right. Oh dear. Is this to do with the fact that it's quite difficult, you know, when you're walking down the street with three of you, who's talking to who and who's in the middle, sometimes there's a bit of like wrestling over, if I stand on the left, I'm not really

controlling the conversation, but I'm not sure if I know. You have to go into the gutter and yeah. Exactly, now I'm saying that now Marber Duke's on my left, I'm in the gutter, but I don't, I want to, I really, everyone's attracted to Charles, but do I know Charles better than Marba Duke enough to go between Digby and Charles? There's a pram coming the other way and now I need to wait, it's really going to delay things. Yeah. That can be tricky.

Also, Charles is wearing a huge porn volum on. So that's me. This guy's wearing a huge porn volum on. It's difficult. That's most of the pavement taken up. So there's this guy, Lord Digby. Who's this guy? And basically, Lord Digby was such a bellend.

Yeah. Yeah. And just a real like toady dickhead that nobody liked apart from Charles. Yeah. The Prince who just didn't want to go and stand there because he knew that- He didn't want to die by his side. If he'd say to Charles, we should do this, Digby would say something else. Like, I don't think so, Charles. Don't listen to this young German. I think you should do this.

And he just couldn't, he couldn't be having it basically. Because he found to be so irritating. Yeah. And he just knew that he would be undermined by this guy who was a bit of a knob. Wow. So that guy was, Digby was so irritating that wave after wave of men were sent to their death. And the course of British history was irrevocably changed in a specific way that I don't have time to go into now. Crumbs. Because of course if the Roundheads hadn't won or lost that battle then King Charles

wouldn't have been executed, wouldn't have left to the Whigs rising, or the Tories, or Parliamentary North, because it wouldn't have happened, it would have happened, or the colonies that have dominated, the Queen of Victorian times, industrial revolution, it wouldn't have happened either way. Which leads us to Rishi Sunak being hounded from office. But isn't it, it all connects. That's what's wonderful about history. Liz Trust was born that day. Did Prince Rupert survive?

Prince Rupert did survive. Yeah. Well, he went on to invent the kinder bueno, didn't he? He was sitting pretty. Okay. Let's turn on the beam machine. Yes, please. This week's topic sent in by Tutankhamun from the Nile Delta. I feel someone's having a bit of fun with us there. Could actually be Tutankhamun having fun with us.

Because, couldn't it? What, back from the dead? Yeah. If you were Tutankhamun back from the dead, it's the kind of thing you might do. What's the first thing you'd do? Yeah, you'd identify one of the leading cultural institutions of the day. And you'd get in touch, wouldn't you? So yes, from Tutankhamun, from the Nile Delta.

The pyramids. Is it really? And you'd, you'd get in touch, wouldn't you? So yes, from Tudon Gamun, from the Nile Delta. The Pyramids! Is it really? The curse! Have any of us been to the Pyramids? No, sadly. Yeah, I've not been to, I've not been to, I've not been to the pyramids? No, sadly. Yeah, I've not been to the pyramids. Have you not seen them, Ben? Nope.

No, the topic is the pyramids. There are other pyramid structures on Earth. That's true, because of the aliens. Has anyone seen any of those? Well, has anyone ever bought the maximum-sized Toblerone you can get? I would love to go off and see some, uh, so kind of, uh, Latin American. I've seen some of those. Have you?

Yeah. Yeah. I think I've been, I've been to Mexico. They've got, they've got staircase system. Yeah. So you can stand at the top and then you can behead someone and their head can bounce down. You could behead and boot, boot the head down the thing. Yeah.

Bounce down the stairs. But like, basically like a slink, the slinky of its day. Basically think of it as more Basically like the slinky of its day. Basically think of it as more harrowing slinky. Much more harrowing slinky. They've got steps on. They're great. They were completely shrouded in jungle.

Monkeys? Oh yeah. See that makes me more appealing to me. I like that. But they've de-shrouded them. But I think they would have been amazing to discover yeah like shrouded in jungle so now is it like McDonald's then they shrouded in McDonald's so now it's exactly you have to fight your way through the various

different McDonald's and fast food franchises to get to them and they're in the middle of a kind of food court yeah they're really they're really great they're really great. They're really great. I mean, the trouble is, you know, all these things are great. But fundamentally, you want to have lunch or whatever, don't you? You know, you're at going. Basically, lunch is much more something you discover on holidays that lunch is much more important than anything else. You've been taking lunch for granted. Yeah, Cause when you go on holiday.

Yeah. That's why it's worth going. And the only thing that's more interesting to you than lunch, potentially on holiday is breakfast and then number three will be dinner. Do you mean? But you sort of need to put something between breakfast and lunch just to delineate those two meals, really. Yeah, exactly. So that's when you, that's when you, that's when the pyramids come in.

That's when they come into their own. Yeah. I've got this on holiday recently in them. Because I went to Sri Lanka recently. And there's an amazing I went to Sigiriya, which is an amazing Yeah, that's amazing. That could be a wonder of the world. Yeah. That's a huge palace that was built in the middle of lots of jungle and stuff and on a huge rock that sticks out of the jungle. So

it's absolutely stunning. It's totally Indiana Jones kind of stuff. But the set was incredible. But I was I was there. But this is what happened. I forget this when I'm looking at a great thing on holiday. I'm standing there I'm trying to take sort of I'm trying to experience how amazing it is I'm standing here. This is amazing. And reason it just just feel how amazing it is. But I'm just thinking, I guess I could go for like a crispy chicken thing maybe. Or maybe like, maybe like they didn't do sausages here. I'll be thinking that, but that's fine. I really enjoyed that melon smoothie we had on the road on the way here. Can we go back

there or is that not really on the way? Maybe there'll be somewhere somewhere in the next Colombo that we have to stop where they can get us somewhere because it was really, really good. It was really, really good. Yeah. So you know what I mean? Do you ever get, I'm standing here going, this is amazing. Try and experience how amazing it is. Try and feel how amazing it is.

But I'm just there thinking about lunch, thinking about my footwear and whether I've made the right choice, thinking about whether I'm hot or cold. It's all these basic human things. That's all you really notice. So I have this, I have a version of this, which is that I am seeing, you know, something great, something brilliant that I've traveled to go and see. I'm looking at it and I'm having those same thoughts, take it in. This is the thing you've come to see. But also fundamentally, I'm also listening to the Guardian Football Weekly podcast at that time.

And you're thinking about what you're really thinking about is whether Ipswich are going to be able to make it in the top flight or are they going to be a yo-yo team? Yeah. And then I sort of think, what have I done? Was Napoleon's misguidedness in trying to invade Russia, was that actually... Was that a big 10 hard move? Was that 10 hard move looking back? Yeah, that's, that's a factor. Like recently I walked around to the Jardin de Tuileries.

Yes, we know you saw a drowning crow. I saw a drowning crow and you know, you're like, well, this is a world famous garden is lovely. I'm here to experience it, but at the same time, I am also listening to the rest is politics. Yeah. And you're trying to imagine how would, how would Rory Stewart pronounce Twillery? I'm quite pleased to hear you say all this, because there will be people with small children who will be on holiday thinking, Oh God, if I wasn't worried about, you know, whether the Eric's toilets is and snacks and a bag full of this and that and people getting bored

and all that kind of stuff. Oh, look at that young couple over there. Just able to soak it up. No, look at that young bachelor over there. Just soaking up those lads. They're just so John, I mean, it's yeah, but actually what's going on on the inside is the computer is still wearing. It's all systems all systems check being all the time. Bowels, bladder, hunger, you just be worrying about your hot. You just be if you didn't have your kids with you, you'd just be worrying, will I get myself a little ice cream in a minute? Maybe I'll get myself a little ice cream. But I did have one this morning. Is that okay to have more than one ice cream in a day?

I wonder if Rory Stewart's ever had ice cream. I can imagine an episode of Ress's Politics Politics where Roy Stewart comes in one day and goes, do you know what, Alistair, I had this amazing thing on the weekend. It's this kind of frozen milk. It was absolutely incredible. I think it's called Isecrame. With the chocolate flake. It had the chocolate flake, which Shoshana was raving about. And I really quite liked it.

Something called Rasparis House. The other thing I'm also thinking when I'm looking at one of those kind of Wends of the World type things is, should I be taking more photos, should I be taking fewer photos? Taking a photo of the pyramids. If you're just taking a photo of the pyramids. To me that is mad because there's no way that you're taking the best photo of the pyramids, to me that is mad because there's no way you're taking the best photo of the pyramids. Exactly, yeah. There's loads of brilliant photos of the pyramids.

What difference does it make that you happen to take this one? Unless of course you want to make it look like you're pressing the top of one of the pyramids like a button. Unless you want to make it look like you're pressing the top of a pyramid, in which case knock yourself out. Go for Xs. Yeah, two top holiday photos you can take, pressing the top of the pyramid in which case. Knock yourself out. Go for it. Yeah. Yeah, two top holiday photos you can take, pressing the top of the pyramid

and sort of holding up Pisa. Yeah, that's an absolute classic. I've not, I've not ticked off either of those, but. Eiffel Tower penis. Yep. Is quite good. Getting bummed by the Sphinx. That's quite popular.

There's lots of classics. And birthing the Acropolis. Birthing the Acropolis is a nice one. Ooh, I'm shitting out the Golden Gate Bridge. I'm a big fan of the Egyptian section of any museum. Yeah. Like that's my day made if I see a sarcophagus. Do you love the sarcophagus? Yeah, I love it. It's the best bit of any museum. Yeah. Like that's my day made if I see a self psychophagos. Do you love the psychophagos? Yeah, I love it. Yeah, the best bit of any museum.

You would look I think you'd look good in a psychophagos. Oh, thanks. Good in a psychophagos. So that's like a viscera in a jar. That's a that's a backhanded compliment, isn't it? A sarcophagus. Yeah, but I just think you lying in state in a sarcophagus, it would be it would feel right. Thank you. I'm digging I'm digging a hole literally a hole to stick in your sarcophagus. And also, would

your two Mike friends actually have to be killed and put in with you? Mike was neck at this point as she'd be better to not be on the friend Mike safe on your safe. You're fine. You're not important. He doesn't want you in the afterlife you. Mike Wozniak at this point, it'd actually be better to not be on the friend Mike list. I'm safe, aren't I? You're safe. You're fine. You're not important. He doesn't want you in the afterlife, mate. Mike removing my brain through my nose. Yeah. Yeah, but I'll probably have to sort of maintain the eternal flame or whatever. There'll be some ball ache. Yeah, I signed you up to the, you're both the keepers of the eternal flame.

And you are both virgins, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And stay that way, please. We'll remain chased. Thank you. Thank you. And of course then once you die, Ben, we will all be in the underworld. We'll be navigating up a sort of river in the underworld, isn't it? The river sticks. The river sticks. So you and your two Mike friends, we won't, we'll be just stuck in the... You'll be stuck in the underworld, isn't it? The River Styx. The River Styx. So you and your two mic friends, we will be just stuck in the... You'll be stuck in the mortal realm.

But you and the two mics, we are off on the River Styx, aren't you? Yeah. Having a riot. Having an absolute riot. No, can I say the River Styx is the wrong, it's the River Styx is Greek. Anyway, it's the wrong, it's the wrong mythology system. Oh no. Yeah. So before we get the bollocks.

God, it's pretty high end this podcast, isn't it? Bloody hell. You cross the river sticks. Initially, it was with a ferryman. It's time to pay the ferryman. Time to pay the ferryman. But of course, since 1994, of course, with the tunnel. With the tunnel. Yeah. I mean, you can do a really nice like away weekend easily, can't you, in the underworld? But post-COVID doesn't take cash, I'm afraid. So silver coins on the eyeballs won't do it. Yeah, that's right.

You will need a prepaid QR code. And in terms of dealing, people often ask us about Cerberus, the three-headed dog that guards the River Styx. People often ask, does he have three anuses? The answer to that question is yes. Three heads, three anuses. But only one digestive tract which trificates at each end. I've looked up the ancient Egyptian afterlife. The underworld had only one entrance that could be reached by travelling through the tomb of the deceased. The initial image a soul would be presented with upon entering this realm was a corridor lined with an array of fascinating statues,

including a variation of the hawk-headed god Horus. After entry, the spirits were presented to another prominent god, Osiris. Osiris would determine the virtue of the deceased soul and grant those deemed deserving a peaceful afterlife. Can we all agree that this is probably all made up, this stuff? Henry. Yeah? You dare to question the ancients. Enjoy your curse, Henry.

Yeah, Horace is going to have a few things to say to you, isn't he? Hang on a minute, is that a fanged flying goat that's just coming to the room behind me? Oh no! Gojandor! No! I can't believe how quick this curse has worked. It's just how specific it is that it got made. It's got to be specific. What's the process by which something gets made up that's so specific but it's made up in a way that people believe it. They haven't made it up like an ad. They're not going to believe it if it isn't specific.

You can't just say, and then what happens? And they're like, ah, well then you go through the... A general area. And are there any fascinating statues in the area? I don't know. Is it decorated? Yeah, I suppose it's been plastered, but hasn't been painted yet. What's the deco? Are there skirting boards?

Is it wired? Is it plumbed? Does it have those adapters which have a USB thing in it? Which USB is it? USB-C? It have those adapters which have a USB thing in it? Which USB is it? USB-C? It's got beverage containers, but they're floating. But the thing is, but you see, humanists and stuff, maybe that's why it hasn't caught on quite so much as a religion. It's all very non-specific, isn't it? It's like, you die and you generally end up maybe in a kind of spiritual realm of in a way memories don't

die and everything's in it. It's like, what's the statuary? Are they framed pictures? What animal head has the guy got who's being vague about the spiritual realm? What is, yeah. Yeah. I'm assuming it's not his own human head, because that wouldn't make any sense. Is it like a man with a hamster head? In which case is it a giant hamster head? Is a hamster head the size of a human head or is it the size of a human of a hamster? In which case is the human's body the size of a hamster head the size of a human head was a hamster the size of a human hamster which case is he was body the size of a how big are his hands and is there anything for scale can he be holding a 50p for scale a new 50p not an old 50p as you can be holding

a pound coin next to the 50p so you know what 50p is. Does he eat human food or is he eating hamster food? Yeah. Can I bring him an offering? Yeah. Does he drink out of all his funny little bottles with a sippy thing at the end? Can you get one of those that's adapted for a nice bottle of Sancerre for example? You know, I want to butter him up.

Because he's some sort of demi-god after all. He's quite a powerful person. So these religion things, right, they're not made up by like, you know, a committee like designing an ad, like you know, so what's going to fly with Egypt at the moment? Well, I reckon we love eagles, we love snakes, a snake with an eag- Asps. We love asps and asps with an eagle's face. You know what? An eagle's face is too similar to a snake's face, but interesting idea. Tutin, anything? What have you got?

Well, I've just found out what happens to you if you don't have a good heart when you die. You are devoured by the goddess Ammit. The goddess Ammit has the four quarters of a lion. The four quarters? The four quarters, the front section of a lion. The front legs bits, yeah. The hindquarters of a hippopotamus. Oh, does my bum look big in this? So baby got back, go on. Oh yeah, she's got a real dump truck ass. Baby's looking thick. Bear in mind, Henry, you're saying this to someone who's about to devour you because

you've got an evil soul. That's basically- You're making me have an evil soul. Look at that ass. My heart was purer before I saw that sweet, sweet hippo booty. You should have checked my heart four minutes ago, mate. No, but you know, it's quite funny. That is literally the definition of what is, what is 2024 smoking hot. Isn't it?

It's front. The hairy clawed arms, but hip hip, Oh, bootie with a single swipe. But wet ass, but hip, but hip, a pot of booty. And also a head wise, they've gone for crocodile. It kind of almost feels a bit like they're phoning in. It's the end of a long night of ideas. We'll They've gone for crocodile. It kind of almost feels a bit like they're phoning in. It's the end of a long night of ideas. We'll just stick the head of a croc and I just mix it up. The head of a croc.

Oh, fuck, we forgot to do the head. Look out the window. What's the first thing you see? Croc, obviously. You don't even have to check. There's crocs everywhere. Croc, head of a croc. Now, before we do our emails, just a little plug for a live show we're doing in March at Bath.

In Bath. In Bath. At, by, within? Within the ancient Roman town of baths bar. Bath spa is the name of the train station. The name of the train station. Lovely honey coloured stone. Just come and admire the, um, the honey coloured stone.

We'll be in the, yes, the most famous architectural marvel of bath. That is the bath. Comedia. Yes. Which was built by Jane Austen. Jane Austen. that's right. In March though, it's a bit of a way off. This is March 2025.

Tickets go on sale today, if you're listening to it today, which is 9th of October 2024. If you are a Patreon, so that's for the Patreon pre-sale. And then general release tickets, anything that's left that hasn't been snaffled by Patreon subscribers will go on sale on Friday the 11th of October. And this is for Wednesday the 19th of March 2025 in Bath. Part of the Curious Minds Festival. Yep, part of the Curious Minds Festival. Which looking at the website at the moment it looks like we'll be the least edifying

thing on the festival. Oh for sure, by quite a long stretch. It seems all quite worthy and intellectual. Yes, they've got proper journalists and thinkers and historians and all that sort of stuff. And then there's some general guff from us on a Wednesday evening. So it's a mistake. They've made a mistake. They've made a mistake that we're capitalising on. We've, we're seizing on it.

Yeah. Yes. So to find tickets, uh, I don't know how to find tickets. Probably try Curious Minds Festival or Bath, Three Bean Salad, you know, they'll crack it. I don't think just Googling the word bath is going to get you there, Mike. No, no, give it a go. Start there, start there and then put a few more keywords in until you crack it. I'll put links on our social media so you can find those on our beam bath.

There we go. On our Instagram or Twitter. And of course, patrons will get first dibs though, right? No, we'll send them a special code. That'll already have happened. What a mess this section has been yeah time to read your emails yes please when you send an email you must give thanks

You must give thanks to the postmasters that came before. Good morning, postmaster. Anything for me? Just some old shit. When you send an email, this represents progress. Like a robot shooing a horse. My beautiful horse. First one's from Tom. Hello, Tom. Your Luke Horn banter about riders and quins.

Oh, yeah. Immediately put me in mind of another classic of the low-budget ad genre. So we were talking about local radio ads that we remember from our youths. What was Riders? I've forgotten what that was. With the wind in your hair, the wind in your hair, Riders! On Red Dragon FM. Hairdryer company? What was it? Motorcycles.

Ah, motorcycles. And quins was a sort of dodgy bar in what way Mike grew up. That quenches any quirk of taste. As long as that quirk of taste is lager. And extra marital sex. Yeah. So yes, Tom, what have you got for us? The one he remembers is Capricorn blinds in Birmingham. Can I say Capricorn?

Capricorn is one of those. Anything can be called Capricorn. Capricorn financials. Capricorn hoovers. Need a massage? Come to Capricorn for a day. Yeah. Capricorn footwear.

Capricorn insurance. Capricorn interpretation services. Capricorn dentistry. Capricorn insurance, Capricorn interpretation services, Capricorn dentistry, Capricorn spice range, bath plugs, yes, Capricorn, it's just anything could be Capricorn because no one knows what it actually means, except it's something to do with the stars, is it? It's a star formation. Yeah, it's a star sign, Capricorn. Yeah. Tom writes, I could find no evidence of this ad on the internet, but it matters not because more than 20 years on I can still recite without pause. I need blinds and I've been told. Capricorn blinds are where they're sold. For great designs

and fabric choice, Capricorn's your loudest voice. It's curtains if you go anywhere else. Oh, lovely stuff. It's lovely, except they've had a really difficult decision to make designing that little song because they've also, what they've done is it's a brilliantly funny little joke, but it's kind of reminding people at the end that there's a better alternative to blinds. It's so funny! But we're all saying, we're doing the one thing you're not supposed to do at the end of an ad, which is point the customer towards a different product that's probably better in a lot of situations. And threaten them at the same time.

It'd be like if Nike's famous motto was just do Andy Das. Do it, does Tom see what, because the beginning of it sounds like it's the beginning of like a sort of Marine's Yomp, doesn't it? Oh, maybe I didn't give it the right kind of reading. Maybe it was... I need blinds and I've been told, Capricorn blinds are where they're sold, For great designs and fabric choice,

Capricorn's your loudest voice. It's curtains if you go anywhere else. It's curtains. You know what? I fancy getting some curtains. They're warm, they keep you nice and insulated, they block out the light much better than blinds, they don't break as often. I've been thinking about curtains all day,

since I've been listening to the radio. What is it, that song really makes me think curtains. So actually, ironically, it was probably curtains for their business. Wasn't it that ad? By the way, that's reminded me how certain ads really worm their way into your brain when you're a kid and you remember the song. So there's one that was a McDonald's one to all beef patties. Too old to be to all beef patty special sauce. Lettuce, cheese, pickled onion in a sesame seed. Is that real? Yeah.

To all beef patties, sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickled onion. Feels like an ad that they would have put out once they would have focus group just being disastrous not knowing that one weird little magical child in north london would remember for the rest of his life i hope that gets back to the ad exec that came up with that lost their job because it'd be great comfort to know that just somewhere they were right. They were right. They were right. They were ahead of their time. Yeah. To all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickled onion, in a sesame seed. I don't understand it though because it's Big Mac. What does it mean two? Two. There's two all beef

patties in a big Mac. Yeah, but it does sound like it's, it's being addressed to, there's literally no chicken in them. Yeah, okay. They're all beef. I thought it was being addressed to beef patties world over. Calling all beef patties. That's one of the many reasons why it's a terrible advert song. It's one of the many reasons why everyone apart from Henry would have just completely dismissed it.

Everyone else would have gone, what's that about? Oh, forget it. Delete. I thought about it anyway, I sort of am two beef beef patties aren't I? This is talking straight to me because I'm sort of meat, I'm like a beef patty from the waist up, I'm like a beef patty from the waist down. I'm sort of made of beef anyway. Held together with mayonnaise. Oliver emails on the same topic.

Guys, love the pod but I had to hit pause and immediately issue immediate bollocking to Ben. Oooh, good. It's Listener Bollocking of the Week. I was thrilled to hear Ben refer to the rider's advert. Brackets. With the wind in your hair! Having grown up in South Wales in the 80s and 90s, I have several times belted out that jingle at inappropriate moments in my life.

The soft rock anthem qualities, the imagery of a non-highway code compliant rider roaring down the highway with their long hair strewn behind them. That's what I was thinking, you should have a helmet on. Helmet be damned! Yeah, damn right. It really stuck with me. However, Ben has clearly not remembered the lyrics, as he baffingly referred to Riders as a South Wales establishment.

The full lyrics from memory, with the backing vocals in parenthesis are, with the wind in your hair, brackets the wind in your hair, riders, Bridgewater, Bridgewater, Bridgewater. Bridgewater? Bridgewater is in Somerset. Case closed. Keep up the otherwise excellent work, Oliver from Bremen. Now. Wow.

They were casting their net far and wide then, weren't they? But why would they advertise? I mean, I guess it's not far. I mean, it looks not far as the crow flies, but it's a decent drive, isn't it, to get from, you know, Carlisle to Bridgewater. But hang on. May I push back on this? Please. Because I've just put into YouTube, Riders Motorcycles ad. We found it, we can listen

to it, we can see who's correct. They're getting a free play. I think this is a newer version because the version I had was definitely like soft rock. Okay. They've updated it. They've updated it. Oh, they do say Bridgewater. Riders, Bridgewater Oh, they do say Bridgewater.

This is like a long version where you can talk over it. We've got deals on motorbikes, mopeds, sidecars. That would go over that bit, wouldn't it? Wind in your hair Riders, Bridgewater With the wind in your hair Wind in your hair So they do say the word Bridgewater in the jingle, but it does say that at one time there were branches in Cardiff, Bristol and Bridgewater. Score draw? I think that's a score draw.

Or maybe a bollock back. It feels like, um, it just feels like a bit of a niche business. Just motorbikes. It feels like, I don't know, it feels a bit niche, isn't it? Just motorbikes. What else do you want to sell? I don't know. I just think, are there enough people that really buy motorbikes. It feels like feels a bit niche, just motorbikes. What does he want to sell? I don't know if people that really buy motorbikes. You know, it reminds me of, it reminds me of, but why don't you go for cars? I mean, lots more people buy cars. Why would you get, why do you do motorbikes? So people like motorbikes, right? I know, but I mean, a lot cheaper as a business. I think most people have cars, but I think maybe the reason I'm thinking this, it's reminding me of the idea of a motorbike

shop is reminding me of my Lego town when I was a kid. Yeah, my town had a police station. One house. So there was one there was one domestic property, one residential property, one house, a police station. Yeah, like those policing ratios gone. Yeah, really strong policing ratios. And, and a motorbike shop. Yeah. And that was that was it. Great. That was the entire that was the entire economy of the town had to run. So basically the guy heavily dependent on the guy who worked presumably at the motorcycle. He did work at the motorbike shop. Yeah. Also buying all of the motorcycles. He also had to

buy all of them himself and volunteering at the weekends with the police. We've had an email from Liana from Kalamazoo. Wow. Oh, where is that? In the US of A. Dear beans, your conversation about radio advertisements getting permanently lodged in your memory reminds me of my two favourite jingles. Menard is a chain of home improvements slash garden centre slash grocery megaores with locations in the middle of the US. You can buy concrete sealer, lumber, a meat grinder, a three pack of long underwear, some tortilla chips and a soldering iron there in the same shopping trip. So this is the Menards radio advert. You save big money when you shop menards Deals, great deals, cheap carpets, cheap hoovers, cheap horses Great deals on cheese, great deals on meat and cheese

Great deals on meat and cheese and horses Great deals on wood, great deals on concrete and wood Great deals on concrete wood and horses and wood. Still going. Even better deals on horses, wood and cheese and bread. Cheese bread, pens and horses. Plumbing, electrical appliances too. The savings will always come right back to you.

You'll save big money, you'll save big. I like that a lot. That's really good. That's a jingle you can trust. I think you could work at Menards, Henry. Yeah. Yeah. That was quite good, wasn't it? Yeah. I just improvised the jingles and they'd get the stock in to fit. Have you seen the British pork ads from the, from the eighties? Oh, they roast the family roast dinners once. She's got the lot, my wife. Oh yeah.

I'm going to play it for you now, Henry. It's got plenty. No, it's got plenty. We've all got plenty. Plenty to go around. My wife's got what it takes. British pork. What's it got? It's got the lot. Oh, God, it's so sinister. God, that's terrifying. My wife, she's got what it takes plenty of thought for me plenty for Fred is there some subtext that's really obvious that I'm missing like is it all like a subtext for something what is it what is it no it's just my wife she's got what it takes but she does not have a line in this ad. I think Britain was just a very sinister place in the 70s basically, wasn't it?

That was just the general vibe. I think it was, yeah. Plenty to go around. Meat. We've got meat. My wife can supply meat. I've got meat. But Fred, Fred's got plenty, you understand, Fred.

My male, my young virile looking male relative has meat. Are you going to mess with Fred? Fred's full plenty, you understand, Fred. My male, my young virile looking male relative has meat. Are you going to mess with Fred? Fred's full of pork. Can you imagine what Fred could do to you when he's full of pork? Yeah, it's a mixture between a man and a threat, isn't it? Do you want to come round and have my wife serve you her meat in front of two of my male relatives who are also eating her meat? They've got plenty.

They've got plenty. She's got what it takes. We don't have a shortage of meat, do you understand? two of my male relatives who are also eating her meat. They've got plenty. They've got plenty. She's got what it takes. We don't have a shortage of meat, do you understand? My wife doesn't have a shortage of meat. Oh my god, so what is it? The Falklands are, aren't they? Yeah my babies have got sideburns, have you got a problem with that? Yeah our cat's wearing a tie, have you got a problem with that? Yeah, cats wearing a tie.

My wife knitted it. She's got what it takes. That's extraordinary that ad. I love it. I absolutely love it. It is very, very good. And let's finish off with another bollocking. Okay, simply that I had some I must have said last week that I wasn't sure if there was a center of the galaxy. Oh, I assumed I was wrong on this one. You were wrong in a different way. Yeah.

Nobody's even bothered. You're drawing a fire on me, Ben. It was not worth, it was not worth deploying a bollock against me. No, it was a wasted bollock. For example, if I was to single-handedly invade France, whatever, they wouldn't deploy, the French army wouldn't deploy, it wouldn't be needed. No. So it's the same sort of situation.

We've had loads of emails about this. This is from Vin. You pose the question as to what is in the centre of the galaxy. Has Henry correctly identified? Yes. What? I can't believe it. No, that's not it.

It's a very misleading phrasing there. Henry didn't correctly identify anything. It was a brownie in emotion sort was what was happening there. It stopped clock stuff. As Henry correctly identified, like most of space, it's just orbs orbiting bigger orbs all the way up. Thank you. Much like most galaxies and quaint Italian towns, the Milky Way has a supermassive black

hole in the centre. Right. Specifically, our galactic town centre is called Sagittarius A Star. Hope that clears it up. Finn? I don't, I don't, I think that feels like the kind of thing that is going to wake Henry up in the middle of the night and he's going to think about a lot. The fact that the middle of the galaxy is a black hole. Luckily I didn't understand it enough for it to be a problem. Okay, great. Sounds to be a problem.

Sounds like a huge problem. That yeah, that super massive black hole in the middle. No one's talking about that. Capricorn black holes. Yeah. Sagittarius is a bit like Capricorn isn't it? You could call any company Sagittarius. Good name for company. Sagittarius clogs. Sagittarius dolls.

Sagittarius booby traps. Yeah. Yeah. She's got what it takes my wife. Sagittarius dolls, Sagittarius booby traps. Yeah, she's got what it takes my wife. Sagittarius pork. As your wife got what it takes, we can have a wife off. Surrounded by meat. It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon.com. There's a thing to say with Patreon at the moment. Starting in November, there's some fuckery with the Apple store.

Oh yes. Where basically, uh, if you were to sign up for Patreon on the Apple app, it would be more expensive both for you and for us. So we've stopped that ability. So you can still sign up and you can still use the Apple app to listen to episodes and all that kind of stuff. But when you sign up specifically, it's best to do that on a browser, like on a laptop or whatever. Okay.

Which doesn't sound like a great business decision, does it? No, because Apple are quite big. It's because Apple have started taking extra money. So it would be more expensive for you if you sign up through the Apple app. So don't do that, but you can't. Sorry. This is not very clear at all. What is clear is we're taking on one of the biggest companies in the world.

That's right. It's three beans versus an apple and pretty sure pretty soon I know what's going to be the little logo on the back of people's laptops. Yeah. It's going to be a Henry Packer original. My wife signed up on the Apple app. She's got a laptop made of pork. She'll turn Apple into sauce.

She's got what it takes. Anyway, do sign up, go to patreon.com for just three bean salad. There are various tiers. You can get ad free episodes. You get our bonus episodes. We only this week recorded an episode of film corner. It's good stuff. It's good stuff.

Where we reviewed a film called hundreds of beavers and we did a review of a retrospective review of Top Gun Maverick. We did. Didn't we? Anyway, if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge. Indeed you do. Where Mike spent the evening last night.

It was splendid evening, yes. Well it was, um, it was Create Effigies of your favourite school teachers using salmon mousse tonight, wasn't it? It was, thank you Henry. And here's my report. It was Create Effigies of your favourite school teachers using salmon mousse last night at the Sean Bean Lounge. Things got off to a shaky start after Adrian Hodder,

Luke Dennett and Eleanor Marshall all used life-sized moulds, as did Harry Nice, who also couldn't pick a favourite and made effigies of every one of his beloved teachers from the Academy of the Necronikon, at which he had a hockey scholarship. This meant that there was very little moose left, and the likes of Tom Fardel, Chris Nevin and Kara Walker all found themselves moulding micro effigies from the remaining moose that were too small to fashion chins or noses and so were discounted. Stuart Thompson, Stephanie Powers and naughty Dan Reed, Pachow Pachow aka the Plan B team, embarked on a project of non-moose salmon carving with varied results, while the Plan C team of Ursula Sparks, Martin Tynan and Peter Baldwin took the Plan B teams

discarded salmon guts to make effigies but found fish offal could only be used to construct geography teachers who are no one's favourite. Profamed Tamesis and Yanta raided the Sean Bean Moose kitchens to see what could be salvaged from the bins and floors and quickly established a stall selling their loot to effigy hopefuls. Business was brisk. Keir Jones and Neil Dorgan combined the proceeds of a fire sale on all of their loot to effigy hopefuls. Business was brisk. Keir Jones and Neil Dorgan combined the proceeds of a fire sale on all of their assets to buy the last remaining slice of Melba toast. Keir then used Chris Meredith as a substitute life model and painted

one side of the toast to resemble a head teacher he once had a sexy dream about. Neil, meanwhile, used Rose and Anna as substitute models to paint a portrait of a cherished two-headed physics teacher on the other side. Ashley Coxton, Matt C and Chris Walker bought up the dill remnants and also leased a teaspoon of Tabasco from James Macaulay, who'd bought it at a premium from Rosso, who'd stolen it off Matthew Rutter, who'd bought it from the stall at Mates Rates. These ingredients were smushed together to make effigies of music teachers who'd been lax disciplinarians. Joanna Burns, Jordan Harvey, Cameron Patoviy and Emily Nash managed to get hold of some unsweetened gelatin shards and

soften them up to what would have been an ideal moulding material, albeit non-savvy, but none of them had a favourite teacher as all of them had been excluded from school at the age of four, something they all continued to conceal from friends and co-workers to this day. Jack brought in a pre-made halibut effigy of the teacher from Dead Poets Society and was sent home with his tail between his legs. Seeing this, Cara Thompson, Ben M and Bridget KC, who'd all brought the same thing, quickly binned their inadmissible effigies, broke into the Sean Bean flying wingsuit vertical testing tube, ascended to 17,000 feet and refused to come down.

Henry Mortimer and Vince valiantly disobeyed the brief and presented vegetarian moose effigies, but less valiantly over-sexualised them, causing Gareth Meredith and Cameron McNabb to develop unwelcome amorous urges about tofu and marinated carrot respectively. But the evening ended on a high, with Christine Han and Olivia Howe Smith sharing the Salmon Moose Effigy Innovation Award by exhuming early 19th century maritime artist Robert Salmon,ose Effigy Innovation Award by exhuming early 19th century maritime artist Robert Salmon, moosing the remains and sculpting them into an effigy of the teacher of teachers whose teachings shall be taught through the ages, Sean Bean. Thanks all.

Okay, we'll finish off with a version of our theme tune. This is from Jessica. Hello Jessica. I've recently moved my life from Canberra... Yep. ...in Australia. Australia....to Encounter Bay in South Australia. With this move, many objects from my past that I'd left with various long-suffering family members resurfaced. One of these objects was a Casio Tone Bank Keyboard CA-301, bought

from me by my parents when I was in primary school. I was mucking about and thought I'd have a go at ripping out the Beans theme tune. I had no reliable way of recording the performance and found that when I tried to use my phone, the tune was overlaid with the sound of the keyboard's clunking plastic spring-loaded keys. Not being of the tech persuasion, all I had on hand to record the tune was a Dictaphone that I connected to the keyboard with a double-ended 3.5mm jack. This meant that the keyboard thought the Dictaphone was a keyboard thought the Dictaphone was a speaker and the Dictaphone thought the keyboard was a microphone, so there was no sound coming

out of anywhere. I decided to have a go at playing the tune without being able to hear it while recording it on a Dictaphone. Attached is the result. So I look forward to hearing that, Jessica. Ah, Jessica is a person after my own heart, tech-wise. All right, that's the end of the show. We'll finish off with that Casio bass. Yeah, brilliant, thank you. And see you next time.

Ta-rah. Thank you, bye. So Thanks for watching!