Three Bean Salad - The Railway

Episode Date: January 1, 2025

The railway is this week’s topic thanks to Nick of Kent (which for our international listeners is “The Garden of England” according to Kent. It is also unusual as a county as it categorises each man born in Kent as either a “Kentish Man” or “Man of Kent” depending on which side of the River Medway they were born: a taxonomy which wilfully excludes men who live in Kent but weren’t born there, all women, nonbinary folk, children, etc, you name it. Nigel Farage is originally from Kent) which the beans and especially Mike view in the same way as they might any other county.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladWith thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Link to Jack's Beans role-playing game: https://pink-soda-books.itch.io/bean-emergencyMerch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [e-mail] @beansaladpod

It's 2025. Welcome to the future. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. We never thought we'd make it this far. We're a quarter of a way through the century. I was reflecting yesterday on the fact that 2025 seemed like a long way off when I was younger. Yeah, flying car way off, right?

Yes, exactly. Hoverboards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lots of promises made by Hollywood that haven't quite been realized. Instead, it's all been about data. I thought it was going to be about floating. Turns out it's all about data. And it's not about hovering, is it? Or floating zero hovering. I've still yet to hover in my whole life.

I assumed we'd all be drinking cuff tea. Really? They've not managed that yet. Which is lamb, cough, cough, cough. It's the Levantine Bobril, isn't it? It's a hard to get because it gives you, you get your caffeine, you get your caffeine kit and your protein and fat. The meat undergirding gets you through the morning.

So yeah, we're recording this in 2024. So we haven't yet stepped out of our houses, seen all the hovering postman, etc. So for all we know, it's possible, isn't it? Because this is one of the possibilities that was talked about that the Millennium bug is actually exactly 25 years late and will actually happen and the whole earth will split open like an egg and what's inside one of those kinder toys whole thing was a kinder egg all along the instructions are in Dutch I haven't fully done my morning water. Sorry, you written the same way morning water earlier before we started.

Well, it's changed because it used to be the famous Henry Packard to pint glasses of water. Yes, went down quickly. But now it's this weird thing where you very slowly drink out of a bottle of water. Yeah, I'm doing it now. Yeah, I drink one one sort of large one of the semi sized water bottles. One litre I believe. Yes, I drink a litre of Buxton. It's Buxton in this in this instance. Yeah, it's got what's got the it's got the

semi transparent bucks and cummerbund on the bottle. Just slipping off a little bit. Doesn't look like it's fresh out of the shop. It doesn't does it now I keep the bottle for the because of the environment Mike. It's too off a little bit. Doesn't look like it's fresh out of a shop. It doesn't does it? Now I keep the bottle for the environment, Mike. It's too cold because normally I drink it with boiling water. You know, we take boiling water out of an old, old plastic water bottle. That's why the shape has subsided a bit. And that's why there's so much plastic has been ingested over the years.

Yeah. Mike has his head in his hands. And that's why there's so much plastic has been ingested over the years. Yeah. Mike has his head in his hands. Yeah. I think it means your innards are unsurvivable for tuna now. I think so. What if a tuna ate me? Well, it'll try to live in... It'll try to live in me. If I got eaten by egg, the lost tortoise, I wouldn't go down well because of all the micro...

No. ...climate tragedy. What's it called? the microfibres I've got in me. Yeah, I wouldn't put a glass here and a bit of fibreglass in there as well. Well, it's roughage, isn't it? It's all roughage. So I drink this cold water, but normally I pour boiling water in the top. Why? Because... To warm it up.

Yeah, because ideally water, anything that goes into your body should be at body temperature ideally. Otherwise, you're creating stress. You've got a lot of work for yourself. Well, you're creating molecule stress, aren't you? Your blood molecules are stressed, your hematophora, your hematophora. Your what? Your hematophora, all the different elements in the blood.

Hemoglobins, your pancreatic amylase. You're trying to get your body into a permanent state of sort of idling. Well, that's how you want a car, isn't it? If you want to do a... Not if you want to go anywhere. You want it idling before you get in, don't you? The engine's on, everything's sort of operating at a low level. I don't like creating stress on the way in because then of course, your body your tongue has to cool down

the liquid that's using energy is creating. Your tongue? It's creating a You'll rest a little espresso in a little tongue basin before you swallow it. Well, the tongue is the water slide down into the Into the abyss. The fun pool of the innards, isn't it? But Ben you were asking me before whether I drink

the boiling water and the cold water separately. This is pre-recording. This is pre-record. Yeah, we've been quite baffled by what you were up to before you started recording. Because that reminded me of an experience I had recently in a West End theatre. Here we go. Where you were trying to drink boiling water out of a kettle? During the matinee? Is that why they have bag checks for kettles?

In all western thesis. There you go. I think the body should be at exactly the same temperature as the play. Ideally, it was waiting for Godot, which operates between 14 and 17 degrees Fahrenheit. Oh, that's a terrible review. Does Paul Ben Wishall or whoever it was. It was really hot or really cold. Very cold. No, it was a very good production. But it was in a classic old Western theatre which have terrible, terrible toilets. They make

you feel like you're an absolute Russian czar when you're sitting in the, there's this incredible like ornate beauty of the way the theatres theaters are designed isn't it with like gold lap of luxury is the look yeah but the toilets are absolutely like sub caravan they're really cramped and awful but they took the toilets were never built for the czars none of those guys were going to the loo and they went to the theater the way they dressed like it would have been i mean they're all wearing 18 different layers and accoutrements and accessories it's no way they could they could be bothered they would have starved and dehydrated themselves before any sort of public engagement.

Well you just you just piss into your petticoats don't you? Yeah exactly that's the alternative if you're in a fix. Yeah that's why they call petticoats is because you have a pettipiss you have a pettipiss in your petticoat don't you? And also you'd have a man for a lot of this stuff anyway. Who'd be wouldn't you have a small oh yeah a small trouser operative who'd just be sort of down this fact. Oatum just be taken care of it.

You wouldn't have to think about it. Who lives in the petticoats. Yeah. It was a layer of human, of human admin, wasn't it? It was taken care of by a small bureaucrat. Who'd, um, that's where Rasputin started off, wasn't it? That's where Rasputin started off. It was a real throwback because in this loop, the sink had the

old thing you've only really really seen anymore, which is it had rather than one tap with a controllable temperature had two taps, it had a cold tap and a hot tap both like over a foot apart. Yeah, so you cannot get your head under both taps at the same time. It's impossible. Well if you're trying to do a quick interval scalp washing, if you've been absent minding drawing on your forehead in pen instead of listening to the play. Look we know I've got an unusually greasy head. Come on. But just reminded me of how

and obviously one tap was piping hot and the other absolutely freezing. I was yelping. I was yelping like a baby. People assume that I just was just removed by the play. It's one of the things isn't it that Americans just can't believe. That's the thing they always talk about when they come to Britain is that we have two taps and they just can't get their head around it. I feel like it's quite rare because what it's, well, what two taps is asking you to do is to create a bowl of water to your specifications temperature wise. Yeah. But using a, and I didn't, there's actually a word for that thing. The little plastic thing goes in

the plug hole. Because I tried to describe this to the person went to the theater with and they can someone talking about was it called that little thing that goes in the plug. Yeah, the clues in the word plug hole. There was no plug. There was no plug. Well, people nick them, don't they? People nick them. Of course no plug. Well people nick them don't they? People nick them. Of course they do.

People nick them. There's no plug in a public sink. Exactly. So they've taken the plugs out but they've left you with this impossible situation, this impossible dilemma. Do I freeze my hands or do I boil my hands? I was genuinely yelping in pain. But you do the thing where you like very quickly move them between the two. You have to do the quick hand drive don't you?

Yeah. Yeah it's that pop of sock in it. Or you pop a sock in your mouth to hide the screams yeah and bloody deal with it yeah have those been phased out those I think they have been phased out haven't they those types of times well when I moved house into this house which is quite a new house we don't have two taps anywhere which I was quite sad about. Have you got two taps Mike? Yeah, we're single tap here.

I think single tap is the norm there. But I think it goes back to a previous era, which was the era of the freestanding baths. Everything was freestanding baths and bowls, which you filled up with water from the cattle or water from the lake, whatever. I don't know. And that's what's happening so that the plughole turns into a bowl that you're filling up with water and it was bowl based a bowl based culture bowl based culture was we're now more more more shower sieve colander based which is um more hygienic I would argue although an absolute I've an absolute grind every morning to have another another bloody well that's what we think. I mean, probably, probably in like 30 years time, someone will work at

X actually really dangerous and we should be lolling around in our own swill. And that's the best thing for us. We should do the part, the partridge wallow. I've not wallowed now for ages. No, cause I only did it cause my shower was broken and then we've got a man to fix the shower and since then I've not had a bath. Oh really? And I realised I was kidding myself for a long time that I liked baths, it was just

the only option open to me. Because given the choice which I have every day, I just have a shower. My bath is now full of dust and little weird bits. Is it a separate, it's a separate bath unit is it? It's a separate bath unit yeah. Yeah. It's now just full of weird bits. Don't even know what they are.

It will gather with hate. I'd hate to take them to a scientist and sort of work out what they're maybe there could be, maybe we could put it in the merch page or sort of do a sort of weird bits of a lot of it will be wrapped to try to zone it'll be left over from rat, rat, rat volleyball sessions, rat, rat hates our listenership, but will now be the other side of Ratmas. Yeah. Having experienced Ratmas.

I just want to say thanks to everyone who sent us their Ratmas stories. Unfortunately due to the way that scheduling works, I put a shout out on the podcast to say send us your Ratmas stories. But then we recorded Ratmas maybe four hours after that came out. So since then we've had so many Ratmas stories that there's probably enough for like a sort of maybe like a mid Midsummer ratma. Maybe it could be ratmas every day. It'll get a bit, it'll get a bit annoying.

I think by about June having spent an hour discussing rat anecdotes every day. I think by June, it'll start to feel a bit. Well, unless it takes over'll start to feel a bit. Well, unless it takes over, it might be a bit disappointed. It might be that we work out that's actually what people want. But like, for example, I'm looking at the email account now, the top email in there, I've not read the email has the subject title header, the rat man of Plymouth. I want to know that. I want to know the story. We never read out the rat man of Plymouth.

Oh, come on. There needs to be more rat action. We never read out toilet rats. We never read out the right man of Plymouth. Oh come on. There needs to be more rat action. We never read out toilet rats, we never read out soapy rat snacks. We need spring rats. I think there's going to be spring rats in there. A spring rat solstice or sort of the rat quinox. Yes definitely rat quinox. Yes, definitely. I think marking the big turning points in the year by just immersing yourself in stories about rats. It's just a really nice way because we are part of a process. We are part of a planet and a lot of it is absolutely barbaric disgusting and horrific.

Isn't it? Should we read out rat stories at Stonehenge? That's a nice idea. I think that's a great idea. I think there's just something nice about marking things with rats, isn't there? We've discovered. It's because they're the ever present. They are the ever present. They were there before us, they'll be there after us. They're the perfect... Yeah, these eternal annual markings and also King's birthday, that kind of stuff.

King's official birthday. Yeah, exactly. All stand for the king! We're entering the regal zone. Off with their heads! On with the show! Listen not to the knaves and the shopkeepers. Bring me more advisors.

The Regal Zone. Does the King, you know the Queen used to have two birthdays and that was a thing? Yeah. Does the King have two birthdays? Oh good question. Why did the Queen have two birthdays? Don't know, she had an actual birthday which was the day she was born, although that was a,'s a lizard So she hatched but of course, yeah, you know they they said a ball. Yeah And then she had an official birthday. Yes. I don't think I've ever known the answer that I've definitely asked the question

Yeah, I don't think I've ever googled it. Oh, maybe that's the issue Maybe we're not supposed to know Maybe they just want two birthdays That's above our pay grade. Okay so there I've looked it up there is the King's official birthday. Yeah which is when? It varies by region. What? So for example if he travels around the country's birthday changes so he can maximize the amount of presents he gets. It seems like every different commonwealth nation maximise the amount of presents he gets. It seems like every different Commonwealth nation has a different official birthday for

the monarch. So for example, the King's birthday in Belize is in May, however on Norfolk Island, which I think is in the Pacific, it's the 8th of June. On calendar it's the 4th of June. What's going on? Is that so you can travel around and have multiple celebrations? He's basically just having a sort of worldwide year-long birthday celebration. Yeah. Cake and brezzi's. I guess you would if you were a monarch, right?

You would. So this official birthday thing happens in other countries. So for example in Luxembourg, there's the Grand Duke's official birthday. In Belgium there's the King's feast. In Netherlands, there's Konigsdag. In Japan, they have the emperor's birthday. And in North Korea, they have the day of the sun. S-U-N.

S-U-N. Yeah. Which is the, the origin of all life. It's when Kim Il-sung was born, who was the first, who's the sort of daddy. And what do we do for Keir Starmer on his birthday? He likes a quiet one these days, doesn't he? Peter Express with the family. Trip to Arsenal. Yep.

Have you ever seen Keir Starmer at Arsenal? I haven't, no. He's been given a box, hasn't he, controversially? Yeah, for free. I don't find that particularly controversial. No,, it's not I mean, it's not Really I'm quite happy for like nevermind assassins, but it just for some adjust to not sort of like Throw a pint glass at him Clonk him so he can get on with his work the next day. Do you want to mean?

I'm happy for him to have a break. I'm happy for him to not to be attacked Hundreds of I think you to have a break. I'm happy for him not to be attacked. I think he should have a mobile. Oh yeah? A mobile? Well, a Prime Minister mobile or a Stummer mobile. I think that's where... A Batmobile? A Batmobile. I think that's where mobiles come into...

Because there aren't, you know, there's only the Pokemobile. I think it's the only mobile that actually exists. No, no, no, no, no. We know there is an active Batmobile. Oh, sorry, there is an active Batmobile. Yeah, we've talked about it. There was room for a third one, you're right. But I think it should be a Prime Minister of Mobile. So I think it should be based on his head probably, just gets a big version of his head. That's just simple brainstorming.

So translucent, are we talking? So we can see him inside? I think maybe the toilet section is opaque, Mike. Okay, good idea. Lovely. This is where we differ. I don't have my eye on sort of these design details you see, but yeah, thinking these things through.

Yeah, I think it should just be his head. Yeah. Serious optional hats. I think I think I think a series of optional hats. Yeah. So beanie. Yeah. Try corn.

Try corn and buy corn. Maybe even a monocorn. I think the glasses at the front are the windows. This is just simple. Yeah. So hang on. It's a glass-kissed on my head on wheels. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. It might have to be reinforced glass. I think just glasses. We're asking for trouble, aren't we? I think we're asking. You're almost safer outside of a glass, rather than if you're in a head. I'd say.

But I think the glass is at the front of the window, so he sits in one, wife or friend in the other, looking out of his own head. The whole thing's fibreglass. Fibreglass, of course, being the safest material known to man? I think so. Yeah, OK. That's what POTUS's presidential beast is made of, is it, we assume? Yeah, the beast. I was about to mention the beast. That's the

official presidential car, it's called the beast. The Potus mobile. And basically it's a car that you could fire a missile at and it would be fine. Yeah, it would fire it straight back. With interest. Back to the Starman. I think it's a floating mobile floats around. Okay. How do you mean literally off the ground or like it's sort of amphibious like a hovercraft? Oh, yeah, push them through this. I think it uses hover technology, the hover technology, which is now the norm now that it's 2025. And when he gets out of it, the mouth opens and a sort of metallic version of his tongue comes out, which is like a sort of

a ramp. Yeah. And he slides out of it. Just wearing swimwear and in a sort of in a sort of rubber ring. Okay, just quite fun. It's a bit of fun as well. It's quite disarming at the G8 isn't it when someone does that? It's disarming. Everyone else just gets out of a Jaguar or whatever. But Starmer's in water wings. But I do agree that generally the controversy about that stuff is a bit weird. He's the Prime Minister, he's top job, I don't want to see him on the Hammersmith and City Line or whatever.

No, I sort of feel like if you're the prime minister, I wish Keir Starmer or any prime minister when faced with these kinds of questions would just go, I'm the prime, I'm the prime minister. Fuck off. Have you seen what the guy in North Korea's got going? Genuinely. I've tried saying kill them to various different assistants and aides around. I've said it to David Lammy so many times. She just won't play ball. I've tried different phrases.

I said exterminate him. Nothing happens. I've tried using different euphemisms. You know what to do. Maybe you could rid me of this problem. Nothing happens. Maybe it's time for the pigs to get fed if you know what I mean. He's tried all the phrases. He's tried all the phrases. He's even ordered in a hungry sow. He's got a sow in the back of number 10. Yeah and there's no, I imagine he's prodded all the different

bookcases and stuff to see if there's secret passages. There's none of that. I think you should be able to have like a Louis Vuitton hat made for you that looks like your body, but the other way around. So it looks like you're wearing yourself and people don't know which way around you are, if you want. You know what I mean? Like the weirdest whim. You're the most powerful person. That's the thing. I think in terms of like heads of state worldwide and also historically what heads of state have been like, even if you're just a bit of a maniac, you're still quite a long way off the worst we've had, you know.

Yes, that's true. I want him to go hunting with a laser beam. Like that's what I want to see them do. For a snow leopard. For a snow leopard, exactly. A snow leopard that they've released and had released into Wolverhampton. Exactly. Yeah.

For their own convenience. Just a bit of that. It would just give us a bit more, I don't know, something. I think the prime minister should have a separate train service. Like Putin. Called Ministerial Rail. Does Putin have his own train? He's got his own train, yeah. And train line. It's an old Russian tradition. I think they do it in North Korea as well, don't they?

You've got the Chechen options as well. Nice sort of TikTok vids of you sort of shooting up land cruises and things. Hang on. Is that what the president of Chechen has been doing? He's, he, he like, he's a big matcher, matcher man. So he likes, he likes to people to know that he likes to spend a Saturday afternoons just, just shooting with the crap out of stuff in a wilderness. Somewhere. I think I'm right in saying that he's the same guy who was brought on as a sub for the

Chechen national team in a football match. Well, that's the kind of thing, again, as a Prime Minister, you might as well make the most. That's what I mean. I love it. Everyone just clears out of the way. Movie cameos. Lovely. In fact, in waiting for the Godot the other day, waiting for Godot, he should be

able to just walk on the second half and go, you know what, I'm here. I actually am Godot. Now I can rise around that. You know what you're going to do. Yeah, now what you're going to do. Wish or? Yeah. And then I'm going to bugger off, I'm going to do the weather at the news at 10. Yeah, I'm going to get it wrong on purpose rather than accidentally as they do. They'll say, why want it to be? If it doesn't happen, heads are going to roll literally. Also what better way to like announce getting rid of the winter fuel allowance than doing

it on stage in the West End, you know, and people have been quite confused like is this part of the play? Is this actually a policy initiative? Just a bit of misinformation, a bit of confusion. Bury the real news. Exactly. A bit of excitement, a bit of intrigue. I'm going to make myself the eighth course at the Fat Duck this weekend. You bet you

lick my hand with some chives on, because I can. Make the bloody most of it. I'm also going to be third desk clarinet in the Bournemouth Symphony Orchestra. I've never played the clarinet in my life. Let's roll. Or been to Bournemouth. This is your captain speaking. That's right. It's me, the right honourable Kirste Amrmpi. And you know what? I'm going to be locker number 59 in Ipwich Town Centre's Lido swimming pool.

He's going to be the locker, he's going to be in the locker. He's going to be the locker, or he's going to be in the locker. He's going to be the locker. So you've got to get all your clothes. Into him somehow. And your shoes. Yeah, and all clothes from this point on will be in his size. Yeah, there'll be two sizes. S for Starmore, XS. Extra Starmore. Extra Starmore. There'll be two sizes, S for Stama or XS.

Extra Stama. Extra Stama. It can have two Big Macs and a Stama Zone experience. Which I have to order. It just means that I have to eat a sachet of ketchup without taking it out of the sachet. Well, being watched by a secret policeman. Because it was decreed. Yeah. You stuck in a little, um, star impression there. Oh yeah. Hello. Oh, policies. Oh.

It's not bad. I do find his voice, I mean, I know it's not fair to criticize people's voice, but I mean that's something else, isn't it? Why, excuse me, secret police here, why aren't you using your starmer voice? Why aren't you using your starmer voice? The decree is that we're all to use our starmer voice. But I mean, that's something else, isn't it? Why, excuse me, secret police here. Why aren't you using a star my voice? The decrees that we're all to use our star voice on a Thursday. It's important that everyone uses that star my voice. That's actually much better. How'd you do that? He's just got a way of speaking where he's, he's really, it's really weird when you listen to it. It's like the pace of it is really strange. Like he's always sort of telling you off.

We have to remember ba ba ba ba ba ba. It's like that all the time. That's so true. You've got to realise. There we go. There's a trot to it, isn't there? Or a sort of hard beaty tone. Also, there's a sense that he's got two quite ornate Japanese goldfish alive in his mouth already. Really stressful to keep them alive.

It was a complex curse that was put on me when I was attorney general. Let's turn on the B machine. Yes please. This week's topic is sent in by Nick from Kent. Hello Nick. Mike's least favourite county. I've never said that before. But the feeling is very much mutual with Kent isn't it? That's the impression I've been given.

Is the railway. Toot toot. Toot toot indeed. Recently I was in London, Henry, and even though it's a 24 hour city. Which it really is. Soho Battersea Old Southwark Streatham Vauxhall Tuffnell Park, Barnet, technically, Madden Two-Sorts, the Senate of... Halfords.

Zone 5. Mind the gap between your provincial existence and this metropolitan utopia. Next stop, urban alignment. The glamorous London life of Henry Baccar. Hang on a second. Is that Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber? No, it can't be. Because you're Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber. I know! No, it can't be because you're Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber. I know.

It is a 24 hours. It's absolutely there. Anytime they might you go out and it's there. It's not open, but it's there. Well, I was with you, Henry. We went to see Arsenal play Monaco. That's true. And then we went to the pub afterwards and I looked at my Google maps and I had to get back to Croydon, which is a long way away. And it said, Oh, okay. As long as you leave on 11 52 or something, you'll be fine. But I left at 11 53. And what that meant was what had previously been a tube, then a train, which would have been fine turned into four separate night buses.

Oh, you poor thing. How is this global city? Why doesn't it have a train that goes all night? What's going on? Sometimes you get a, you go, you put your journey into Google maps and it presents you this thing, which is like an absolute horror. It's like a movie in a horror film. What it presents you, it's like the amount of things. There's a little bus, there's a little goat. I've got to go snake back to Sydenham.

I've got to catch a 320 snake. But it presents these horrific journeys, which is like, it's much, you're safer off hunkering down. But literally, had I left one minute earlier, I would have got there in about 54 minutes as it was. It was like two hours of night buses. That's what that's that's what happens if you miss that last one. Yeah, I used to have that when I lived in Crystal Palace. It was like quite a nice jaunt from London Bridge. But if I'm if I've missed that train the last one, it's a sort of Rosetta Stone of like bullshit that my phone presents me with. And you do think to yourself,

maybe just check into a seedy hotel. Did you have that thought? And it's start again tomorrow. I had to keep getting off buses and then sort of getting on a new one, but I'd get off a place I'd never heard of. It'd be like, get off at Plotinum. You'd be like, okay. Just weird places in South London. Nine witches. I've got to change it to nine witches. That seems to be about 20 places called Norbury. East Norbury. Norbury Junction. Left Norbury.

Norbury Wood. Norbury East. Norbury Southwood. Norbury Green. Norbury South Green. That's Norbury. Left Norbury. Right Norbury.

Middle Norbury. But London, I like to play a game which is make up a London place. Northwood Green. Eastwood. Northchurch. Green Pigs. South Hill. South Hill Wood. North Church Green. Just so you can just combine those words. Yeah, those all sound totally plausible. You look at the Tube map. There's all these places you've never heard of and they're all called... And when you meet someone from London, first of all, you discuss what novels you've been reading.

Then you discuss what novels you've been reading. Then you discuss what novels you've been writing. And then when you ask where someone's from in London, most of the time they'll say, Oh, I'm from Eastwood. Oh, right. And you don't know what it means because there's just so many bits of London, but you don't know what they are. Eastwood Green, North Eastwood Green, Southwood, Northwood Hill. Climb Hill. Okay, I'm going to play a game with you called Which of These are Real Tube Stops. Eastward green, northeastward green, southward, northward hill. Climb hill. Okay, I'm gonna play a game with you called which of these are real tube stops.

Okay. Northward hills. Oh, Northwood. When do we answer? What? Um, Oh, it's classic. So you want me to format it at the same time as doing it. You want me to be, you want me to be inventing the quiz while doing the quiz.

The quiz happens and then we work out what happened afterwards. Channel Osmond. Northwood Hills, Northwood, Chorleywood. Ooh, that rings a bell. Pontefract. When do we answer? I think Chorleywood is now one of the sort of, you kind of metropolitan out towards

that, like where it becomes Buckingham, like inexplicably it's in Buckinghamshire. It's the incredible bit of the metropolitan line where you look out of the window and there's like dolphins and like, like rhinos and stuff. It's like, what the heck? Yeah, it's, there ought to be a word for the particular weird sort of feeling of nausea you get when you're on a tube train and you're looking out the window and seeing like fields and cows and stuff. But have you got a guess there? Out of those four, I'm going for Chorley Wood.

As being made up? No, as being real. No, only one of them was made. Oh, that's the Pontifract, that's the last one, you said the ridiculous one at the end. Oh damn, I thought I'd got you with Pontefract Town. I was, I was so. Pontefract's in Yorkshire. I was really excited.

You must have did it before the quiz with your, your sort of, you know, green, green bays and sort of North Southington, all that kind of stuff. Yeah, North Southington. Or it's like a, or it's like monumental bank where it's just, it's just a thing from history. Do you know what I mean? Gun. Do you know what I mean?

Brick. Head. You're arriving at. Gun. That happens more in France and European countries, doesn't it? When things are named after battle. So you've got no idea. It doesn't help me for where the place is.

Well, you've got Waterloo in the same way. It's like, yeah, yeah. Sometimes just sometimes someone makes a point and like, they're generally right. So why the fact that I'm specifically wrong ruins the fact that I'm generally right, you know, trying to be right, trying to be right. Also, I'm generally right. I mean, generally that is true, but you've pricked it with one little fact prick. You prick my little balloon, my truth balloon with one little fact prick. It's just London's most famous station. So here's a good one. So which of these is made up?

Okay. Headstone Lane, Hatch End, Carpenter's Park, Roxley Bush Green. Oh, these are quite good. I don't know any of these, I don't think. One of them is made up. I mean, I'd love to live in Roxley Bush Green. That sounds like a sort of wonderful, a soap from the eighties. And now time to catch up with the residents of Roxley Bush Green. I think the first one was made up. No, Hatch End was real. Carpenders Park was real. There was one before Hatch End.

Headstone Lane was real. Oh, Headstone Lane I thought wasn't real. But Roxley Bush Green was made up. Wow, wow. See, you nearly got it. Well done. But I win so you both send me fifty pounds I accept backs. It's a quite good game should cameras game but I'm enjoying it then you can do one for you okay okay which one of these is real.

Turkey brook. Turkey Brooke. I mean, I know here imagination works, Ben. You're trying to make up something. But I'm thinking Calvary. All you can think about is your post pod Calvary. And I know you've hired a little recording booth in the Calvary. So at the end of the recording session, you just press a button, the walls fall down. Well, I press a button and the gravy falls down like a gunstank.

The gravy gunstank to you. Because you see gravy, because your philosophy isn't it, is that gravy makes everything better. So rather than put gravy on the product, put gravy on you and food feed the product through the gravy. The gravy layer. The gravy layer. Don't you? It's not a bad idea. It's a really horrible way of doing it. The gravy layer. The gravy layer. Don't you? It's not a bad idea. It's a really horrible way of doing it. Okay. So Turkey Brook.

Yep. Turkey Hill. Oh, you devilish dick. Turkey Street. What? Turkey Towers. Oh, is any one of them made up? One of them's real.

Oh, Turkey Brook. Mike? Uh, Turkey, Turkey Towers. It's Turkey Street. Is it? Wow. Turkey Street is a station on the Weaver line of the London Overground, in the Bullsmoor area in the north of Enfield.

Hmm. Nicely done. Situated between Southbury and Theobald's Grove on the Southbury Loop. That all sounds made up. It all sounds made up, doesn't it? Do you want some really boring Southwest Trains ones? Yes please mate. So this is near you?

Yeah. Yeah, okay yeah. One is made up. Okay. Wimple. Yeah. Wearton. Freshford.

Netley. Oh, so hard. Oh, you've done devilishly good work there. Thank you. So was it Wimple? W devilishly good work there. Thank you. So was it Wimple? Wimple, Weirton, Freshford, Nedley. I think that Freshford is made up, but it sounds like a lovely place. Freshford Dairies, Freshford Dairy Yogurts.

Freshford Correctional Facility. I'm going to go for Wimpole. I'm afraid it was Whetton. Oh damn you. You could have had Werem. You're absolutely Whetton. No sir. Oh nicely done.

Thank you. So you've based the fake one on a real one that's slightly changed one of the syllables. Okay here's one of these is made up. We're on the central line here. Lofton. Debden. Thayden Bois. Oh. Nodgville. central line here Lofton Debeden Thayden Bois Oh Nodgeville

here's a new game okay which of these will you not find in the concourse of Birmingham New Street Station? Okay. Nice. All bar one. John Lewis. Krispy Kremes. Oliver Bonass. Dr Nodge's world of fun.

There's no way this a John Lewis in the... Well, I think that's the trick. I reckon there is a John Lewis. Oh, because it's like linked somehow. Is it linked to the Bullring Centre? Yeah. There's no further information available. Give us them again. All Bar One. John Lewis. Crisp Lewis crispy cream Oliver Bonass I'm still going for

John Lewis I think there is a John Lewis I think there isn't a I can there isn't an all bar one. Benjamin has it he saw through me yes John Lewis you were monobluffing you went double you was a monobluff wasn't it not even an extraordinary concourse that is Birmingham New Street station. And they've got Leon guys. For the love of God. How are you getting this information? I've got a five guys.

I don't think I've ever been inside an Oliver bonus. Bonass? Bonass? Probably bonass. Don't know. It's a high end gift option shop. Lots of very Yeah lots of very Lots of sort of them picture of rose gold picture frames anything. Okay, I get mixed up with Robert Dias

It's the opposite of Robert Dias Robert Dias is isn't that hoovers Robert Dias is hoovers sort of industrial bleaches Yeah, galvanized rubber, Tupperware pots, light bulbs. The other day I think I sent you a text, I was looking for a Ryman's and I put in Ryman's to Google Maps, went to the Ryman's and the Ryman's was inside a Robert Dias. What? It was just an area of the Robert Dias was cordoned off and it said, this is now Ryman's, you're now in the sort of diplomatic space of Ryman's. It's very much like Vatican city, isn't it?

Within Rome. Yeah. It's a separate jurisdiction. And the Ryman's was just a man stood behind a printer. That's all it was. Because it was only with some colourful pencils. It was a Ryman. Anyway, the Ryman's, the, the printer didn't work.

And so he sent me to a mailboxes, et cetera. That's a really weird shop. Which I do like to go into because they're always really weird. I've got a mailboxes, et cetera, near me. They feel like a kind of, a bit like, do you remember Love Film, the thing where they sent you DVDs in the post? Oh yeah. I think I still have two DVDs I have to buy.

Cinema parodies, so. And three colours blue. Yeah, so it's the two foreign films that you never watched. Whereas the adventures of the farting Dr. Nodge. The stinky adventures of Dr. Nodge in Fart Town. You always watch performers before it's out of the box, don't you? And Into the Nodiverse, of course. The one where he goes into parallel universes and meets another Dr. Nodgin.

Dr. Nodgin for the fart farticles. Dr. Nodgin Stink Origins. So, yeah, so I think Mailboxes, et cetera, reminds me of that love film company in the sense that it's a kind of company which can exist in between two great phases of technology. Okay. So it's a kind of brief, it has a moment, obviously there's enough time in there for someone to become a millionaire probably, over hedge funds to do really well out of it.

But there was the DVD era, there was the analog era and then there was the digital era where now and in between that there was something weirdly in between where Love Film was relevant. Yeah. You'd go on a website to order a DVD. So we were halfway there. Exactly. You didn't want to get into blockbusters anymore. But you could say you couldn't stream it. And mailboxes, et cetera. I feel it's just like, it's a weird like, because it's quite a kind of Victorian sounding, the very dead spaces, people aren't familiar, you just go in and there's lots

of sort of little lots of locked tiny lockers and things. Yeah. It feels like they quite they can laminate something as well. They can laminate stuff, they can print stuff. But it's actually it's really quite useful at the moment. But it's because again, it's because we're, I don't know exactly what areas we're between it, but it's something to do with its main I find it many useful returning stuff you bought online really you buy jump or something I find it quite sinister I almost feel the sort of the blackmailing documents oozing out of the little lockers I feel like it's full of dodgy Polaroids of the elite it does have that

sort of feel but it's a really good one-stop shop. If you need to return a jumper, that's too big or too small. It's a one-stop shop because you can print it off for you or blackmail a baron or blackmail a baron or both at the same time or blackmail a baron with a jumper, which has a photo of him being unfaithful to his wife printed onto it, which is something again in the era where now you could digitally, you could organise that from your own bed on your phone, and it arrived the next day. Couldn't you?

That's the incredible era we live in. But mailbox, etc. So it's partly because, that's another thing we've discussed, I think, before, but we're not yet in the era where a home printer works. It has not been conquered. You cannot have a home printer. It doesn't work. So you still need a place where they've got an inkjet.

With surprisingly long hours, opening hours, where they can, they can print your labels, stick it on your thing and nudge it in the post. But also when, whenever you go in there, there's always someone there sending like an office chair to Argentina for some reason. And you think, why are you doing this? There's always some strange parcels. It's been hollowed out and it's absolutely full of euros. Also that's because we're still at the, we are in this interzone where everything's

kind of online, everything's virtual, everything's digital, but at the same time, you still need stuff delivered physically. You still need to wrap stuff in brown in manila, I mean manila as a product, you know, as a substance, the manila envelope has probably never been doing so well. Brown tape, those things, little transparent and plastic bits of plastic bags that you put a bit of paper in and stick to the front of a box. All that stuff is still massive because we're not at the 3D printing stage yet. Once 3D printing is universal, Mike won't even need to travel around the country to do a gig.

Yeah, I could just print out my own tunnock's tea cake here, can't I? You can print out your own tunnock's tea cake here. But also you can print out a 3d mic, you can email yourself sent you to Glasgow, they print out a 3d mic in Glasgow. You just have to make sure you don't do anything in the meantime in Exeter. But Mike, that that 3d mic can do your gig remotely through pre recorded MP3s embedded in its cranium and just at the end of the gig, they just have to make sure that Mike is executed and that you haven't earned money independently in Exeter because then that's a tax then you create a tax problem which can you be taxed twice? Can the same tax twice at the same time? So what happens is at the end of the gig, everyone has to execute Mike Wozniak, which is actually luckily is what they want to do at the end of V1A gigs anyway. Ohhhh! Everyone come on, we're all having a nice time.

Yeah? Oh very good. And they bring, well they bring their own hammers don't they normally anyway? Oh yeah usually. I'm one of the few acts that does pre-merch, sell hammers on a trestle table. You sell them! They know they're gonna want to use them. Yeah.

Let's read your emails. Yes, please. When you send an email, you must give thanks to the postmasters that came before Good morning, postmaster! Anything for me? Just some old shit When you send an email This represents progress Like a robot shoeing a horse This email is from Jack. Thank you Jack. Hello.

It's kind of hard to get into this, but Jack has created and illustrated a three bean salad role playing game in the style of Dungeons and Dragons that is totally playable. I will include a link to this in the show notes. And if you're the kind of person that sort of enjoys that kind of thing, then get involved. I mean, it's incredible. I don't quite know where to start with in terms of describing it. What's the kind of goal of the game? I'm interested to know because I might help you with the goal in my own life.

I could maybe, what is the goal? What does he think of as being the goal of being a bean? So the game is sort of marshaled by a benevolent autocrat. Okay. Mike Wozniak. Lovely. Who sort of, sort of runs the game. Okay.

Yeah. That's the dungeon master yeah yeah there you go then you have to name your bean and choose whether it's a provincial dad or a metropolitan elite okay good that makes a difference to like your kind of stats yeah yeah yeah yeah Then you calculate your Bonjomyn stat. Okay. Then you choose your bean's PhD field using a dice. Yeah. If you roll a one, it's polar science to Hamley's magic. Three panini running for GORP core, five egg carton geometry and six robotics. Then you have to equip your bean. You roll a dice, one a

Stoking Cudgel, two a sword or ham from one of the great sword or ham cultures, three a baguette loaded with armour piercing brie, four an American pink sludge nozzle, five a miniature trebuchet painted by one of the Gallagher brothers, that's a reference

to something I can't even remember, six a snooker ball in a sock. Are they dice or diiiiins? They're dice. You roll the dice to see where you begin. Roller one, you're in a branch of Petromonge. Two, you're at Diamond Harbour. Three, you're at the Dragon Soup Cafe. Four, you're in Bremen. Five, you're in Slimbridge Wetland Centre. And six, you're in the biggest freestanding concrete dome of its size. Slimbridge Wetland Centre and six, you're in the biggest freestanding concrete dome of its size.

That's great. That sounds brilliant. That's superb. Thank you. Anyway, I'll put a link to it in the show notes if you're interested. Thank you very much indeed. It's a great bit of work. Brilliant.

This is from Nat. Hello Nat. Dear Ben, Regrettably I have to issue a bollocking. Uh oh. Accessing listener bollocking. Bollocking loaded. Listener bollocking loaded. Bollocking loaded.

Regarding your claim that the orientation of a horse's limbs has symbolic value and symbolically conveys how the Dactylus Distinguished Rider met their demise, this is flat nonsense. Oh no. The kind of nonsense I expect from Henry. But I've always imagined you to be above. I like that a lot. Well do I accept that Bollock or not? You're just saying it's flat nonsense, but not saying what it is.

But they're not giving us an alternative. No, I wanted more. I wanted the origins of the myth. Or I wanted more. Maybe it's because I like the fact so much. Yes. Or I wanted to be replaced by something. So it's hard to say Bollocking accepted because it's like... It's a sort of quite old school knuckle fight of a bollock.

It's pretty like it is what it is. It's just because anyone can email in and just say that's nonsense, right? Exactly. But they need to back it up with a bit of something. Yeah. Okay. Now you might, you might, it doesn't look like that's landed. Maybe, maybe, maybe not.

You can, because normally one of them supplies some additional information or something. Yeah, which means for me, that's a reflecto bollock. Oh Yeah, I agree It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon Patreon Patreon.com. Thanks for everyone who signed up at our Patreon. Patreon.com forward slash three bean salad is the place to go. You can sign up at various tiers, but if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge where Mike spent all of last week. I did indeed it was spectacular. Yeah it was a weird one wasn't it because it was um it was all

sponsored by Ridley Scott and it was the um gladiator 2 themed CGI baboon fight. It was thank you Benjamin and here's my report. It was the gladiator 2 CGI baboon fight sponsored by Ridley Scott last night in the virtual reality dueling suite at the Sean Bean Lounge, with Rowan Smith finally getting a chance to road test his hyper-realistic VR head and body sets, now with added stuff being drilled into your brain and spine. Josh Yates, James Melton, Chris in Japan, and Groovy Isaac opted for hand-to-hand mode and were torn into such small pieces it looked

like a shaken-up snow globe that was full of bits of bloke. Holly Donahue, Dr Sarah Rock Bison, and Kit Preston on the other hand opted for poultry shears and to work as a team, and Spatchcock to vanguard baboon in record time. Aware revenge would be in the offing, they quickly cleared the field allowing Daniel White, Ocean Edwards, Danny Chapman, and Craig Holden to step in and take the brunt of the baboonic wrath. They were shaved, flayed, minced and moulded into meat mannequins to be used in the training of the next generation of fighting baboons. Becky Heaton and Grace might have had some success with their weighted net and trident combo, but they were completely ignored by the baboons as Dolly Hall was running around the outer edge of the melee slapping baboons on the arse with a slotted spatula. This came to an abrupt end when Emma A and Kay Noles

shot out of an attack flume in the two halves of a pantomime CGI war tiger. The tiger knocked the spatula out of Dolly's grip, forcing her to persuade the baboons that she had been directed to act by the spatula, which led to the spatula being sent to the firing squad. Meanwhile, Slady, Ryan Cliver and Nathan Thawner tried a prison yard style tactic of going for the strongest fighter first and attacked the CGI tiger. It was an unfortunate bit of blue on blue which in hindsight could have been solved with dialogue but instead ended with a clear 3-0 to the tiger. Liam Jones meanwhile tried the long game honey trap style, attempting to woo baboons one

by one before inviting them on a coastal walking holiday, at which point he intended to push them off a cliff. At the time of writing, he has been ghosted by no less than 16 baboons and got off with a single macaque, whose means of entrance into the lounge remains unclear. Brad Smolley and Edward went for a blunter approach by covering a Hyundai i10 with glue and quite big splinters and driving it straight into the fracas. Baboons, of course, are known to be able to leap three stacked high-end IITs from standing, so the plan was as ill-thought through as it was unsuccessful, and the two merely ploughed through

bean loungers, ruining the evenings and trousers of Luke Boyan, Guy Bronze, Benjamin Sleep, Kieran Bennett, Fausty Arseholes, Duncan Wright and Ben. Sebastian Kreutzer and Mike Downing took advantage of the chaos to attempt to steal Ridley Scott's refreshments Tressel Table, it being the same Tressel Table as seen in G.I. Jane, director's cut Tressel Table edition. Wanting the Tressel Table for themselves, Ruby Louise Hillinger and Charlie Jones smeared Sebastian and Mike in reptile egg paste, had Alex Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm time bell and looked on as the pace was devoured, men included, on water biscuits with a sprinkling of poppy seeds. At this point Ridley Scott himself intervened, wheeled in on a CGI barrow by Jack Knight's and AI Every Day. The three of them switched out the trestle table for a fake CGI trestle table and made good their escape. Tragically this switch wasn't spotted by Joe

Duffy, who attempted to shield himself from an empress baboon with the CGI trestle table and found the trestle table was merely absorbed into the empress baboon, making her 50% larger and giving her the qualities of a trestle table. By the time she finished with him, Joe was more buffet than man. And what a buffet, agreed Sally Darby and Amy, who'd been able to enjoy watching the whole event without being disturbed by a single baboon, being dressed as they were as a crowned eagle, the baboon's natural predator, and as a trombone respectively. Thanks all. Okay, that's the show. We'll finish off with a version of our theme tune sent in by one

of you guys. Yes, please. And this one is from Charlie. Charlie writes, here is a cover of the main theme by my dad in the style of pioneering Viennese composer of the early 20th century and father of atonalism Arnold Schoenbein. Lovely, thank you. Thanks for listening. I'm sorry. Thanks for watching!