Three Bean Salad - The Titanic

Episode Date: October 20, 2021

We present the final episode of Series 2 in which Dustin (of Bremen?) has the beans discussing the luckless Titanic. In this spooooky edition of the podcast, house dust mites get a long overdue mention as do hurled milkshakes, interspecies breeding and the benefits of a sub-aquatic moth. Please stay tuned to this frequency as the beans shall return SOON!Get in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

Okay, I've actually had an idea for this week. Okay, which is spooky. Hello. Did I did it? I was as one of those moments. I wasn't sure if the idea was spooky or we wait for it because it's a spooky idea. It's a spooky idea. Here's the idea or the idea is dot dot dot spooky. When is Halloween? End of next week, I think. Oh, I thought it might be on I thought it might be this week for some reason. Um, but in that maybe in itself, that is

quite but hang on Halloween isn't for another two weeks. So that's probably a real bat on a string. Rather than a plastic bat on a string. It's probably illegal to do that to a bat. By the bat trust. Well, I guess I guess one thing we have to say is that this is the end of series two isn't it? This is the final episode of

series two. We're not going to be around really for a true Halloween episode. So we could get in early, get in early if you want to be spooky. Are you thinking of railroading the listeners suggestion? Or do you just want to attach the word spooky to whatever they suggest? Or we could try and we could potentially try and crowbar something spooky into the content every now and then. Okay, I mean, crowbars are quite spooky, aren't they if they're being wielded? It's not that

hard to do. You can find it. Can we find a spooky angle? Yeah, maybe we should do a spooky intro. Do you think we should? It's not it's not a bad shout. So for example, Ben, things like something spooky just happened, actually. Before um, before we said hello today. Which is my cat bluebell. So they levitated. Very, very briefly levitated before landing on the floor again. Um, which he was chasing a small spider.

And you're saying it's spooky because you because you said spider in that one. It's not that helped. And or is that how the spider introduced itself? I mean, it was, um, it was a small one. But from its own point of view, it was pretty big, average sized. Okay. And bluebell, my cat was chasing it around with an eye to consuming it with an eye to consuming it. And but the spider, which was only about the size of a pea perfectly round

spider. It's bright green as well. And rolling around under the freezer compartments. I thought it's after that's a spider and a Zorb. That's a spider in an on transparent Zorb spiders. They've mastered Zorb technology. They haven't mastered the transparency effect yet. Yes. Is anyone explanation? It was on a stag do. It was a spider on a stag do. Um, which you know, for spiders,

obviously, they have to make that the night of their lives because they are going to get eaten, aren't they? After, um, Oh, there's a lot of rival jokes about a lot of jokes about the getting eaten. And also lots of jokes about, um, hey, let's get legless tonight. Well, you've got eight of them. So let's get drinking. Oh, what happened with bluebell and the this stag spider? I am sorry. I was trying to I was trying to think of a joke to

do with the idea of a webinar. That staple of stag. You're right. Yeah. Yeah, it was it was a ridge. It was a full there and um, see, bluebell was chasing this little spider tawny little fellow. Um, now this spider was a small spider being a big ideas because he thought, okay, I'm going to get across this section of floor to the other side. Even though there's a cat in the way. And it turned out that bluebell had

other ideas. Bluebell wanted to dance a sort of sinister dance macabre of death with the spider. Yeah, like that. So bluebell was does this dance macabre, which is she's kind of up and down and me me me and sort of and, um, before you go on, can you explain exactly what you mean? So she was faced with a spider and started dancing. Yeah, that's what she does. When she finds a small insect, she

kind of jumps after them and then she kind of backs up and then she's kind of up on her hind legs and she's down and she's kind of swaying. She's moving a bit like a belly dancer or it's very it's kind of erotic, but but laced with with death, you know, Lippity Moor. So she shags the spider, but they've shagged. Yeah, there's no question. Lewed content warning. Lewed content.

The spiders basically shag blue but it's a it's a work night. And he's like, I just need to get the fuck out of there, get to work and process this in my lunch break. Yeah. But what happened last night was absolutely mad. But it turns out that bluebell is a kind of Matahari character. Exactly. A honeypaw. Exactly. So well, he thinks he's out the door and he can see

the other side. He can see the skirting board where he works. He's thinking his mates are never going to believe it. He can't wait to get on the Whatsapp group with his mates and they're not going to believe that he had sex with a giant sort of furry beast, literally, about 50,000 times bigger than him. With incompatible genitals. Completely incompatible genitals. And and you know, he's like, I don't know, I don't know, I don't

know. And and you know, the only the only slight, you know, fly in the ointment being the fact that the cat had an anal gland problem. Feline digestive tracked talk. How are bluebells anal glands at the moment? Not great, actually. This is a subset story. Looking for Halloween dress-up ideas? Why not dress your children as a cat's anal gland?

That'll be the talk of the school. Simply insert your child's head through the aperture or anal ringpiece made out of foam. Load up those little piston guns and they can squirt genuine cat anal gland juice at their friends and teachers. No, we, uh, well, the anal... What should we finish the spider story or go to anal glands? Spider, spider.

I've got to find out why I'm doing this. So basically, bluebells dancing back an alien spider. Bluebells dancing the dance of the seven veils around this little spider. And what happens is that bluebell, but then she she decides right, she she wants to go for the kill now. She's like, I've had my fill. Is there a final move that heralds that strike? The final move is she crutches down with a pause out in front

of her and a bum rid up in the air. Oh man. Like a sort of the shape of a of a ski soap of a you know, there's long distance ski jumpers, the, um, yeah, a ski jump. Yeah, I got it the first time. Okay. And, um, so yeah, so she's crouching down, bump. Yeah. And, um, but what she does is she does that. So she comes right up to the spider and does that.

But the spider, bluebell has this thing. Identities might be all cats, possibly. I know that babies have the same thing, which is they can't focus on something right in front of them. So, so, so, so then at this point she comes up to the spider to give the killer blow, but the spider. It's gone. And suddenly she's cross-eyed, essentially.

The, um, the spider then basically cottoned on that the closer it got to bluebell, bluebell couldn't see her. This was, this is, this is the kind of cool. So the spider then rather walking away from bluebell, started walking towards bluebell. Oh my God. Because as soon as it got closer, bluebell couldn't see it. So then, then the spider was right in front of the blue.

That's so Hollywood. I know. It was amazing. Just get closer, we, then he can't see us. But that's the opposite of what I want to do. Sometimes that's what you got to do, Charlie. Just like what you didn't do when you drove those children over that cliff. Oh yeah. You're saying I should have driven even faster over the cliff?

I'm saying you should have driven under the cliff. So then, there was this amazing moment where spider was right in front of bluebell, bluebell wasn't moving, what was going to happen next. Bluebell was like, I've lost the bloody spider. Right, fuck it, fuck this. And I could get on with my day, walked forward, first step stood on the spider and killed it. Oh, lovely.

Yeah. So it goes to show. Sometimes you can overthink these things. There's a moral there somewhere, isn't there? Yeah, yeah. Sometimes the right thing to do isn't even the right thing to do. Certainly the wrong thing to do isn't either. Well, don't have an interspecies one night at a time with a British shorthair. I think it's probably the moral of the story.

Do we need to warn our dear listeners that there's a possibility in series three coming soon that there might be the odd advert sneaked in? Have we done that? I don't think we have. That might happen. Spooky capitalism. It would feel like the polite thing to do. I wanted just to sort of ambush them on episode one of series three.

Oh, really? What? With a solid seven minutes of adverts about deals on sofas. Peloton. Let's go, Peloton. Why don't we just say let's go, Peloton, quite a lot during this episode, just to get them into the mood for... Okay, I imagine probably most of our listeners, yeah, they're very into the Peloton lifestyle.

Yeah. That's who's listening. Right, guys? Let's go, Peloton. I hear that advert all the time. I hope we get the Peloton advert. Are you being algorithmed for it? I think I must feel like right in the crosshairs of someone who should buy a Peloton.

Maybe they've seen my diet. Look, the fact is, guys, I'm just being genuine when I say that, hello, courgettes, has changed my life. You know what I mean? It's just so easy. Every Monday, hello, courgettes, put courgettes through my door, through my... Every Monday, I get three kilos of courgettes left out in the rain outside my doorstep.

Hi, courgettes. And it's like every day now, I've got courgettes. Just like, I didn't even have to think about courgettes because I'm thinking about them anyway. Because I've got so many courgettes that I'm giving them to friends and having to set fire to them. Hello, courgettes. You've given so many to your friends out there,

I mean, to giving those courgettes away as well. And who are they giving them away to? They're giving them away to the hello, courgettes page. Exactly. That's where they come from in the first place. It's the first courgettes by post-service that sends its courgettes inside a marrow. It's the safest way to transfer a courgette.

So, all you do is you could get a free hammer with the first delivery, so you just smash through the marrow. And there'll be three or four courgettes in there. And a courgette recipe, which is one of three, which is either boil the courgette, grill the courgette, or poach the courgette. Which is not to be confused with boiling it. Not to be confused with boiling it. The difference with poaching a courgette is you put a tiny bit of vinegar in

and you spin the water so that when you drop the courgette in, it kind of spirals. It stays completely upright in the vortex, doesn't it? It stays completely upright. And it comes out in a perfect courgette shape. Exactly. It's like literally looking at a courgette by the end of it. So, yeah, Henry's right. We've accepted a large amount of money from a courgette delivery company.

They're going to become our major sponsor starting from the beginning of the next series. Don't worry about the fact that it's now called three courgette salads, either. It still can be found in the same place. It was always going to be called that, wasn't it? Well, we had to battle. They wanted it for us to change it to one single boiled courgette. Yeah. And that's when me and Mike have both been basically sacked and it's just Henry talking

about boiled courgettes. That's the end point of the... Yeah, so this is a goodbye from Ben and I as well, this episode. Welcome to series three, episode four. Let's stoke up the courgette machine. And what's this week's topic? It's courgettes. It's courgettes.

Yeah, no, but it's really going to be the same, apart from that. And also the fact is about courgettes is they're full of vitamins. And anecdotes. And anecdotes, aren't they? And think about all the best memories in your life. How many of them don't have courgettes in? The time your dad helped you to learn how to ride your first courgette?

The time you took your courgette grade six exam. Inviting that courgette to the prom. He got so nervous, didn't you? That time you thought you were giving birth and it turned out to be a courgette. What a waste of nine months. On a serious note, my fridge is full of courgettes. We get a veg box and we never eat the courgettes because they're rubbish. So just slowly over time, the fridge gets fuller and fuller with courgettes until it's mainly courgette.

Then the courgettes start rotting into a really, they tend to really like mulchy, pulpy. Really dark. Just they're really awful when they go off green pace. I've noticed something with carrots, by the way, in the fridge. Carrots might end up getting left in the fridge for quite a long time in my home and not easy. When I go to the carrot bag, it's been there for ages, rather than all the carrots being slightly soft.

It's almost as if the carrots have decided to elect one carrot as the sacrificial carrot. And that one's gone completely bendy so that you can turn it for its tip to touch its rear, if you would mean. And all the others are fine. And yeah, and if they're able to organize to that extent, you have to ask yourself, should we be eating these beautiful intelligent creatures that clearly have a sense of selfless creatures, have a sense of teamwork, have a sense of sacrifice, and shouldn't be feeding them to donkeys.

It's sobering stuff. Really is sobering stuff. Anyway, that's Hello Courgette. Just go to www.hellocourgette.courgette. Okay, let's turn on the bean machine. Yes, please. We've got a few emails actually about how sometimes I will announce who the person is who has sent in this topic before the bean machine jingle is played.

And they're saying, well, how can you know who sent it in before you've generated the... They should understand that Ben is one with the bean machine. There's no point where you can say where Ben ends and the bean machine begins. Exactly, and that's why he can't ever have it removed because it's surgically impossible. They're too closely aligned. And also what I'd say is when we play the sounds, that is just a jingle because if we recorded the actual sound of me expressing the topic from the machine, I mean, no one should hear that.

Well, also very few people would have the audio set up at home, the correct number of subwoofers and top level speakers to actually, you know, with surround sound. Yeah, you need IMAX level sound system to fully appreciate that. Best case scenario, it will short circuit whatever device you're listening on. Worst case scenario, your head will... Because it won't be able to comprehend what's going on, the nerve endings will get so confused that you'll end up with owl head.

So your head will rotate round. And your cough of a pellet, your stumbland, your macgarden, you'll see that all the birds have dropped out of the sky directly above your living room. And you'll just have to live as a scavenger from then on. And a scavenger who's looking the opposite way from where he's going. Which you might think scavenging sounds easy now, but believe you me. It's not a mobile owl head. It's like stuck.

No, no, no. So yeah, when you're walking past things, you could have scavenged, but it's too late because you've gone past them. Your head's on the wrong way around. You're like, oh, no, that'd have been good. You gotta keep going. Tough luck. You gotta keep going.

Oh, you'll see something, but you'll see something that you could scavenge right now when you're trying to walk towards it, but you'll be walking the other way. So then you think, right, I'll flip myself around. You now can't see something that you can scavenge. He's gone. You're walking the right way, but you might as well not be, because you can't see where you're going. I mean, you'll be wrestling with that kind of thing, those ideas.

Yeah. So the jingle masks all of that basically. It's a figurative thing. It's to protect you. Yeah. Yeah. Everything we do on this podcast is to protect you. Exactly.

It's like, and this has been mentioned on the podcast before, it's like don't look directly at an eclipse. I thought I'd test that out by looking directly at an eclipse. I've got permanent retinal damage. And if you hadn't done that, then no one would have known about that. Exactly. So this would be like listening to an eclipse, essentially. And you have, Henry, haven't you?

I have listened to an eclipse and I've got permanent ear canal damage. My ear canals are quite similar to what's happening in Venice. Too many cruise ships. But a great place to buy a little ornamental mask. Okay, this week's topic sent in by Dustin. Doesn't say where he's from. So we'll assume the fine, Hanseatic city of Bremen. I can picture him eating one of those delightful curved little Bremen biscuits.

Oh, yeah. That they probably eat in little Bremen cafe, as he was coming up with this idea. One of those lovely little curved Bremen cafes. Well, there's little curved, fine little curved Bremen cafes. And the topic is the Titanic. What? Now, obviously, there is a human death toll. So we must be respectful to the memories of those lost at sea.

None of them would have been alive anyway then now, would they? Is that true? I think if you were born on the Titanic and made it out, how old would you be now? 110? So you have to be born on the Titanic and eat an exclusively oily fish since. Yeah, you would have had to have been raised by walruses. Yeah, so you'd be hardy. So you're probably more likely to have a bit of longevity, I think, probably as a result.

Is it your opinion, Mike, that if you had two twins, genetically identical, one brought up by a family living in a suburban house in Exeter, and one brought up by a family of walruses in the Arctic, that the walrus baby would live longer? Because it gets less exposure to house dust mites? Yeah, which is the real killer? Less likely to fall in with the wrong crowd. Less likely to get into street drugs, for example.

That's true. Less likely to get involved in a road traffic collision. Yeah. Less likely to be conscripted. Also, this will surprise a lot of people, less likely to be eaten by a killer whale. Why? Because they've been trained by their parents to know what to do. Because Henry's been crunching their numbers. I've been crunching their numbers, Mike, speaking.

But isn't the problem that a walrus would teach his offspring, if you are approached by a killer whale, plunge your huge tusk-like teeth into its mantle, which a baby would struggle to do? Where in Exeter, yeah, no one's saying that. No one's ready for killer whales or an absolute bloody nightmare around here, because no one's ready for them. They do their bike safety, but there's no walker safety. In year three. So if an auction was approached next to a child, he would probably just keep

plunging his huge tusk-like teeth into the pack of crisps he was eating or whatever. Blindly ignore it. He wouldn't know. It's not on the list of hazards. Exactly. And that's all a walrus is thinking about. 24-7 is killer whales, killer whales, killer whales, Jesus Christ, killer whales, killer whales.

They're literally called killer whales. Fucking hell. They're stressed about it. All the, the only thing between me and the killer whale is a chunk of ice that I'm sitting on, do you know what I mean? There's all they're thinking about. Whereas in Exeter, presumably there's a marine life center. Yeah.

I mean, we have to travel for it a bit. There's, I mean, you've got, yeah, talky, talky implements. That's where you'd go for your aquatic tourism experience. They've not got a killer whale over there, Mike. They've got a killer whale at the front door. A plastic one. Real killer whale that you have to get past to get in. What, taking tickets and stuff?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to, it tells you a riddle. It says, riddle me this, and then it tells you the killer whale riddle. Yeah. And if you don't solve it, then it flips you up in the air like a bit of pizza dough, waits until you're a perfect circle of thin meaty material. It's one of the whole. Yeah.

So rough day out. There's that footage, isn't there, of a killer whale just toying with a seal, throwing up in the air just for fun. And aren't they, aren't they like one of the only sort of creatures in the animal kingdom that will just play with an animal until it dies? It's why, it's the evidence that we have to know that killer whales have 98% identical DNA with that of a domestic cat. Yeah.

Exactly. The line between bluebell and a killer whale is very, very short and thin. When it's particularly short, it's thin. Could a bluebell successfully breed with a killer whale? You know what? It's an experiment that we have talked about hours on end. Well, there's all these travel restrictions, aren't they? There's travel restrictions at the moment.

Commissioning the right sort of ice breaking, seagoing vessel is tricky. Yes. And also, you need both kinds of ice breaking, don't you? Because also, introducing the cat once you've got through the actual ice, the metaphorical. That's the easy one. Yeah, exactly. That'll seem easy by the time you've got bluebell and a killer whale into what we,

you know, a mocked up Italian restaurant. Yeah. So, yeah, once you've got them in the hunt, well, you bluebell will obviously have to be in a harness, a, well. And I'll dip dive suit as well. Bluebell will need to be in an adapted sort of Victorian deep sea diving suit sort of thing with a harness that doesn't clunge all the way to the bottom. She'll need, well, she'll need at minimum a moth in there with her just to keep her entertained.

If she doesn't see eye to eye with the killer whale, she'll panic if there isn't a moth in there with her. So, you'll have to have kept that moth alive as well throughout the journey. Your tactic is to send bluebell down rather than bringing the killer whale up. Because killer whales can live on land for a while, right? You just keep them moist. Check a bucket of water over it. It just seems polite, doesn't it, in the,

Yeah. I mean, in this, in the battle to, you know, in the sort of global battle to prove this point one way or the other, there may well be a Swedish team on the other side of the Arctic. No doubt. Or Antarctic, trying it the other way around, trying to hoist the whale up. But this is the one we're committed to. And too much investment has gone into this to back out now.

We're plunging the cat under. Obviously, the killer whale, yeah, I mean, mocking up the Italian restaurant underwater or outside. Well, that's why you've actually used the, the Italian zone of the Titanic. Wreck, having said, you've refurbished that. It's actually, weirdly, the cheap way of doing it is you, you set it there. Because most of the infrastructures there already. You refurbished their Italian zone.

Because obviously they had a central food court, didn't they? Which had an Italian zone, French zone. Fijian zone. A burrito shack. A preto shack, wasn't it, too? There was an it, too. Churros. It's a lovely churros.

Churros counter. And famously the churros. The churros maker kept making churros even as... Well, hence the phrase, you know, making churros on the, on the decks of the Titanic. Well, it's like rearranging the seats around the churros stand. Yeah, it's like dunking your batter in cinnamon, ready to feed it through the the nozzle into the deep fryer on the Titanic. Well robed the ends.

And well robed the ends. Is there another Titanic phrase? Well, you could say he's a Titanic wanker. Does that count? Yeah, it's those two. Those two. No, but the churros stand on the Titanic, it was called, it had a funny, what's your name, it was called, they said it couldn't be dunked.

That was what it was actually called. Yeah, and that was actually the first person they ran to when they hit the iceberg, the first person they ran to that they thought might have the expertise and, okay, you know about dunking, the other guy on the ship that knows about dunking, well, we're about to get, this is the biggest dunking in history that's ever happened. What do we do? And he was only a 14-year-old, you know, he was only teenage concession staff, it was a lot to ask of him.

He didn't understand the physics of it at all. He was just saying, they kept saying it was unduncable, they said it was unduncable. I mean, the only plan he had was to cover himself in cinnamon and feed himself through the nozzle directly into one of the lifeboats. And you know what people are like when they panic? I think at least 40 or 50 people followed Soonja after that. Churros themselves. Churros themselves.

And the sad thing is they ended up identifying him by the cinnamon markings, didn't they? On his dental record. The cinnamon stains on his teeth. I mean, the truth is he was eating so much Churros, that guy was probably only going to live a couple of weeks anyway. Yeah, it was just his gnashes to remain. His gnashes eventually washed up on the shores of Rhode Island 14 years later. Found by Wailers.

The other day, I was walking along and this doesn't cast me in a very good light. There was a sort of group of three, I'm going to say youths. And sadly, I've got to an age now where if I see a group of teenagers like that, I do my heart slightly sinks and I slightly worry they're going to throw a milkshake at me. That's happened recently. But I was being a bit judgmental about them a bit. I was thinking, oh no, I hope they're not trouble. Which I don't think is a very good way to think, but that's what I was thinking.

And one of them approached me and I thought, oh shit. And he went, oh mate. And I was like, oh God, what's it going to be? And he went, where did that Titanic leave from? But basically him and his mates were having an argument about whether it left from Liverpool, Belfast or Southampton. So is that the truth about teenagers? That if you just give them enough space, they'll basically turn into middle-aged men.

Discussing trivia. No, no. It was built in Belfast and it was officially opened in Liverpool, but it actually left on its journey from Southampton. No, the point is that the base of the ship was made of separate compartments. And the idea was that if one of them flooded, it wouldn't move through to the other. Of course, it hadn't considered the fact that if more than one compartment was actually broken by a big enough one, iceberg, the whole thing would come down.

That's why it's, you know, it was engineering genius. I'm not denying that. But they overreached for the technology of the time. Hang on, hang on, there's an adult coming. Oh, fucking hell, mate. You've got some alco-pops. Can you buy me some fags, mate? Right, he's gone.

So what I'm interested in is, you know, is this a story about colonialism at the end of the day? Do you know what I mean? Conquering the new world. It's the ultimate metaphor for the class divide when you think about it. It really is. And they're sunk just as the class divide will eventually sink in the real world. Yeah. You know what's disgusting is?

I heard that they spent more on crockery for that ship than they actually spent on veterans, the Crimean War. Yeah, but is that what we're saying? It's happening. I think so, yeah. That's what's happening. I like that they eschewed the internet as well. That's true, yes.

Yeah, they eschewed it. I obviously sort of project the image of a guy who knows his... He was alive at the time, to them, in their life. Who was maybe on the ship. What about? We should ask that old duffer. Were you able to supply them with the answer? I said I wasn't 100% sure, but I thought it was Southampton.

At which point one of them went, Ah, I told you it was! I told you! And they all started ribbing their mate. And they started pelting you with milkshakes. Then the pelting began. Just in case any teenagers ever need to ask you this, it sank in 1912. 12, was it?

12. Are you trying to preempt email bollikings, Ben? Yeah, we talked about this, didn't we, this week? Basically, we've realised that every week, often it's normally me. I'll say something that just isn't true. And then we'll just get some light bollikings in the email. Yeah.

Just some light... They're never too harsh. Yeah. But just keeping it on the straight and narrow, someone just being like, Just so you know, you're wrong. Shape up. I'm just going to give you a light bollocking.

But I think we should do a new section. I was saying this to Mike. I can't remember if I spoke to you about this, Henry. Yes, you did, yeah. Listener bollocking of the week. It does need a bollocking jingle. It does. Yeah.

Perhaps that'll be ready for the next series. Well, we could do... No, I think we could do Listener bollocking of the week this week. Accessing listener bollocking. Are you ready, Mike, for Listener bollocking of the week? No. Gone. It's from Walter from Austria.

Okay. He signs it off yours truly. Walter, Brackets from Austria. Brackets, PhD. Oh, crumbs. It's going to be a PhD level bollocking. Yeah. Is Mike about to get taken down for his Viennese finger rant?

Assuming that's what he must have a PhD in. Of course. It will be Viennoiseries of one type or another. I referred to your podcast, Brackets, three been salad by Packer Wozniak at Al. I don't like being at Al. I mean, that's a bit rough given that Ben is less letters than et al. He is doing last names, to be fair.

I've got Hartridge. Episode Portraiture, minute 42, seconds three. Where you claim the glass is technically a liquid. Oh, no. Do you know when that was said? I think Henry said that, actually. It wasn't even Mike. Henry said that, but I accepted it wholesale,

but I knew at the moment that that happened, but I thought this feels like something we're going to get pollocks about at some point. And Mike said the shard will look like a giant nipple in 500 years time. Which I stand by. Surely, sorry. The idea that someone's got an issue with that, come on. Walter says, glass is of course not a liquid in any sense,

but an amorphous solid. It does not flow even on the scale of centuries. The myth of glass being a liquid probably came about because old church windows tend to be thicker on the bottom, suggesting glass flow was responsible. In reality, making uniformly thick glass was not as feasible as it is today, and church windows were suddenly put in with the thick part on the bottom for practical reasons.

The shard will not look any more or any less like a nipple in 500 years than it does now. Well, it's easy to say that, isn't it? Because none of us are going to be around in 500 years to prove the point. Exactly. I challenge Walter to a frozen head-off. A what?

Me and Walter, we're both going to freeze our heads at the moment of death, and in 500 years time, someone needs to re-animate us, and we're going to have a look and see whether it looks like a nipple. So you'll both just have your fleshy functioning heads attached to sort of withered, desiccated corpse bodies? Yeah, exactly. I don't know what the winner wins.

We might have to work that out at the time, see what's available. A body? A body. That'll do. Yeah, you get their viable organs. That seems fair. If Walter accepts the challenge.

I can't seem backing down at this stage. You wrote a very forthright email. Well, Walter, as you pointed out, church windows are thicker at the bottom, but you, I think, are actually thicker at the top. Oh, Henry, come on. Outch Henry. Golly.

This isn't bollock a listener this week. It's listener bollocking for me. Saying that water isn't illiquid, it's an amorphous solid. Didn't say water was a solid. Although water can be solid. Nice try. Nice try. It's the old specious argument, right?

Let's try and test it. It's saying glass isn't illiquid, it's an amorphous solid. Eat my amorphous solid, Walter. No, it's like saying that a ham sandwich isn't a sandwich, it's two bits of bread with some ham in between. Isn't it? You are truly a rhetorical master, Henry.

No, but... And that was off the cuff, dear listeners. It's like podcasting without Aristotle. Walter, here's a little experiment for you. Take an ice cube, yeah? Stick it in a gin and tonic and have a drink and chill out. LAUGHTER Wow.

All right. Henry. Golly, gosh. I think we've lost a potential courgette consumer there. But what is an amorphous... I think Walter will come back phasing. My question for Walter is. And Walter also knows this.

Basically, being from the country, which has made an entire economy run on cream, cream, onto delicious, you know, fancies, delicious baked fancy. You're playing for, you're playing for time, Henry. We can tell you. Cream. Look, all the different states, solid, gas, liquid.

Cream. Cream. They're all on a sliding scale and they can check, I don't have to go over this. They can change by applying energy to them. You put energy into some meat by heating it up. You get cream, you whip meat, you have some whipped pork, you get amorphous gas. Yeah, well, eventually, you get liquid meat, you liquefies whatever. You stop it just right.

It's still solid but cooked, but there's a whole sliding scale. You go on, if ovens went up to that temperature, which they don't for very good reason and want to liquid meat, a solid, you know, liquid isn't amorphous solid because if you solidify, you know, if you heat, say, reduce the temperature on water, it turns into ice, heat up water enough, becomes gas. Same for me. Same for me. They're all on a sliding scale.

So, for me, an amorphous solid surely is a liquid, isn't it? Because there's not a single liquid out there that you can't solidify. All the different liquids, gravy. Corn flour all thicken that. Corn flour, thicken up nicely, turn it back into a solid. Yeah? I mean, what are some other solids? Tiger.

Tiger. If you heat up a tiger enough, which obviously you wouldn't do because it's in danger, but if you did heat up a tiger enough, eventually it would turn into a gas. It's extremely dangerous. Very, very, very dangerous gas. Man-eating gas. Which means you can get, you can no longer get straight out of the zoo through, no problem escaping the zoo.

You know what I mean? Luckily, the nucleus is in the individual molecules probably aren't intelligent enough for it to re-kigulate into a tiger on the other side of the bars and then stop terrorizing the canteen. That's not. So, that was Titanic. Thank you, Dustin, for sending that in. As always, the email address is threebeansolidpod at gmail.com for any and all correspondence,

and you can email us for any reason, but we've had a lot of emails this week. We won't get through them all, unfortunately, but there's some, well, we read them all, and we appreciate them all. We just haven't got time to read them all out. I wonder whether one day we should do a clearing the mailbag episode. That's not a bad shout. I think that's not a bad shout, is it? We've had an email from someone called Lewis, and I like this one because he's done a bit

of maths for us. Okay. So, this is making reference to an episode from a while ago about dystopias, where Henry talked about making a movie called Cube, Cube the Movie, in which he described that the script would be a cube, a perfect cube. He writes, assuming it's written on A4 paper that has been cut into square of 210 millimeters by 210 millimeters, the cube script would then need to be 210 millimeters high to be a cube.

Also assuming it's written on standard 80 GSM printer paper, which is 0.06 millimeters thick, then the script would need to be 3,500 pages, estimating that when A4 page of a script is equal to one minute of screen time, minus the 87 millimeters cut off to form the square would equal about a third of a minute removed. So the film would need to be 3,500 pages times 40 seconds equals 140,000 seconds or 38.89 hours. Cheers, Lewis. I think that sounds, I mean, I think any listener will know that Henry is not much of a self-editor,

so that's probably about right. Yeah, that would, I'd probably take a while to whistle down an idea to that, to the punchy 38 hours. Gosh, that's amazing. So it has to be 38 hours long. It might need an interval. You'd have to have breaks for the audience to go to work, for example. We've got a lot of emails.

So this next one, I'm not actually going to read out the email, I'm just going to tell you the information within. So someone called Yonah, or Iona, in Wales you'd say Yonah, but maybe it's Iona. Iona is if it's Scotland. Yeah, she's from Scotland, okay. Basically, we were talking about Depeche Mode tribute bands a couple of episodes ago. Henry suggested one called Depeche Chode. Did I?

Yes. Yeah, you really lowered the tone. I can't believe that made the edit. I don't think I've heard that episode. Have I? Well, since then, a number of people have tweeted us saying they had to look up what Chode meant. I'm sorry, everyone.

We're kind of just quite disappointed, really. I'm really sorry, everyone. I assume that wouldn't make the edit. I didn't know I heard about the email section from last week. Mike left it in. Oh, thanks a lot, Mike. Thanks, Mike. I left it in, and I definitely sent you an edit and said, are you happy with the edit?

And then you waited an hour and said, yes. Yeah, that's what I do. Exactly, Mike. That's my system. I look at how long the episode has come out at, and I start watching normally, at the moment, it's the American office on Netflix. Set the alarm. Yes, I've listened to it.

It sounds good. It's a perfectly good system until you mess it up. Cheers. I even has emailed this basically to tell us that she lives in Aberdeen and that there was a local band there which is actually called Depeche Chode. Wow. And she sent us the links to their band camp page. Here's what I'm interested in is.

Here's what I'm interested in is, is it a Depeche Mode tribute band is my first question, or is it a band that's just called Depeche Chode? They're not a Depeche Mode tribute band. They do their own compositions. But they thought that it would be a good idea to name yourselves with an offensive pun on another band's name. Yeah. So we've had an email from someone.

I'm going to, they've given their name, but I'm going to anonymize them. Okay. Because I think it might do reputational damage if I. Are you going to Susanize them? Yeah. Let's say it is a man, but let's call him Susan. He works as a pilot for a major European airline. That's you.

Last night while operating a flight back from a Greek island to London. Okay. I was presented by the cabin manager with the choice of hot meals for me to enjoy. It happens every flight and I'm never particularly fussed about what I have. But this night was different for staring up at me from the menu card was an option which having seen it, I knew I simply had to have. Three bean chili. Oh.

Of course, I was reminded of your podcast and I'm vaguely tickled by the idea of basing my meal selection on my fondness for the podcast. It was like a good omen. Well. The airfarer. The meal arrives. Instantly I knew I'd made a huge mistake. I'm a bit of a worse when it comes to spicy food anyway, but this chili was hot.

So amused was I by the podcast title cropping up that I'd completely neglected to check the spice rating for the meal. I now know it's a three out of three chili symbols. Do not operate heavy machinery. For example, a jet. Immediately my mouth was on fire. Fortunately, the other pilot was in charge of the radios because I'm quite sure comprehensible speech was already well beyond me.

I need water and fast. By this stage, my breathing pattern is akin to something I'd only observed previously when watching my wife give birth to our children. I pressed the call bell to the cabin crew hoping that when they burst me on the intercom, I'll somehow be able to convey to them that I need some water. But of course, they're all having dinner too and a sequestered away at the back of the aircraft. They haven't even heard the bell. I press it again and again and again to any passengers at the front of the aircraft.

There's now essentially a strange digital version of tubular bells pumping out from behind the cockpit door. Finally, one of the crew hears it and begins to make way towards the cockpit. Thinking the plane's been hijacked by my goldfield. Which has a specific set of protocols that goes with it. I watch as they plod up the cabin, pausing several times as they are stopped by passengers. What feels like an eternity later, they are about to reach for the interphone. When, with impeccable timing, we hit a pocket of unexpected turbulence. Often this will be momentary, but unfortunately for me and my flaming taste buds,

on this occasion it was continuous. Leaving me still without water, then suddenly inspiration. I remembered that in my bag was a handful of long life UHT milk sachets. This is incredible, this story. Trembling with tears streaming down my face, I tore one open and suckled at the sweet cooling tea. It took four sachets before I was even remotely quenched. Wow. He says, I thought you might be interested to hear that your lukewarm banter

directly caused a somewhat fiery episode several miles above Croatia. Good God. Wow. So he could have sent a plane out of the sky. Wow. That goes to show don't order food based on podcast. There is a clear moral to that story. And also why planes now, since that incident, now all have to have,

not just masks that come down, but a yop. Yeah. Cold yop dispensers. Cold yop just flies down at your face. Also, most airlines have now decided no longer to serve the three bean chili. Instead, they largely serve courgettes. Ellie emails. Hello beans.

I work for a famous Viking museum and I'm happy to confirm that the Vikings did not force their elderly family members to jump off cliffs when they were no longer useful. In fact, we have evidence of them living well into their seventies. And this is the good bit. I think I know what Viking Museum she's talking about. Right. It's the Viking Museum. Yeah. It's got to be right.

It must be the Jorvik Viking Center. It's the only one. She writes, I'm happy to provide a free tour if you're ever in York. We're going to be on our way to the Dragon Soup Cafe somewhere. Perfect stopover. As long as Henry promises not to turn the museum into a predatory tech company, best wishes ever. Well, we can't promise that. He sweeps through towns and he siliconizes them.

He's a modern-day Viking of tech. Yeah. When you're a tech entrepreneur, you're seeing opportunities wherever you go. That's my meat and drink. You know what I mean? That's the air I breathe. It's how do I convert this into a tech company? Well, the challenge is obviously it's underground, so Wi-Fi's going to be a challenge.

But it's underground? I thought so. It's indoors. It's not the same thing. Do you think indoors is underground? Yeah. What's under the... The indoors means it's got a ceiling on it.

If you've got a roof garden, you're standing in a roof garden, there's plants growing on it. How is that not the ground? You fall over. You're not hit the ground. What have you here? Well, just off the top of my head, I would scoop out the craniums of the Viking effigies I've got standing around for those with jelly beans. So already you've got a sort of tech atmosphere.

Well, sort of like foosball tables and bean bags. Yeah. So it becomes like a sort of startup hub. Exactly. And then just start tracking ideas around to who it takes you. Well, thanks, Ellie. I didn't... Well, we can try, but I didn't know that we can necessarily restrain Henry.

Also, Ellie doesn't write this specifically, but I think reading between the lines, if listeners arrive at the Jorvik Viking Centre, say the word pompadou to the... Yeah. At the ticket booth, that's 20% off, I think. Not including hot chocolate, some mockers. She doesn't write that specifically, but I just think, come on. It's implied, isn't it? Yeah.

Jorvik Viking Centre. Come on. Great news. What a great way to end the series. What a great way to end the series. And thank you to everyone for listening to this series and we'll be back in a bit. Soon. Yeah.

Before Chris was certainly... What? We'll tell you later, Henry. Thanks. Okay. We've got some theme tunes. We've had lots of them, actually. So we've got six for you to choose from.

Holy moly. Do you want to hear the version of our theme tune made by Chris, Tom, Lillian, Fern, Rebecca? Choose one of those. Have they all done theme tunes, those people? That was five. That was five. You said six and you listed five. Because Lillian has sent in two.

No. Well, let's hear one of the Lillians one, shall we? So Lillian has sent in two. I will read her email. I'm writing to share two versions of the three-bean side of theme tune. One is a mercifully brief bluegrass interpretation. Oh, nice. The other is in honour of Mike's remark about the viola in our episode about portraits.

He says, one of the instruments that no one's bothered about, as a professional violist, that might sting a bit. Oh, no. But she says it's completely accurate. Oh, don't say that. She's got two theme tunes. One's bluegrass version and one's called three viola salad. Oh, well, bluegrass appeals to me enormously, but I think it's got to be viola, hasn't it?

I think so. It seems the appropriate one to round the series. I think we need to celebrate the viola. With thanks and apologies. And I think really, we haven't spoken about this explicitly, but I feel like when we embarked on the second series, we all felt, I think, deep down, that what it was was a celebration of the viola. Yes.

You know? I think that comes through. Listen to the little clues dropped here and there. We've woven that in. And if you go back and just, you know, if it's just like a nice Sunday, you've got some time off, just want to relax. Just go back and maybe listen again from the beginning, maybe with some, you know, a bowl of courgette mousse or something.

Just sit back and just imagine just a slightly oversized violin that's a bit lower in pitch. But being played, not with a, not with a, what have you called the thing you normally play it with, but with a courgette. So thank you for this Lillian. Lillian from Kansas. From Kansas, no. Thank you everyone for listening. See you.

Not a long way from Kansas now, probably. Right, let's stop now. Let's stop now. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.