Three Bean Salad - Tubes

Episode Date: June 22, 2022

Thanks to Dr P this week the beans get to grips with that fundamental unit of life: tubes. Essentially if looks like it tube and it sounds like a tube it’s a tube and if it doesn’t there’s a good chance it’s a tube after all if you think about it. Also we find out how Henry takes a bath.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladGet in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

And we can let the audience in on this. This is a bit of a pompadou. We're recording this episode a bit in advance because Mike has pressing work commitments. I have very pressing holiday commitments. And I'm pressing all of my trousers every two years. So we're actually recording this in 2014. Yes. We were so backed up, weren't we? Yeah. We had to find the time we could all do and tend out. It's the only three bit of the diary. Yeah. It's great to know that we can do this kind of thing and that, you know, whenever we want, if we have to, we can all move to France or Spain and work there. Sorry. Yeah. And trade tariff free. Yeah. But full disclosure. So today is Wednesday.

On Monday, we recorded another episode. Then yesterday, I spent sitting in this very same chair, just editing episodes of Three Been Salad. And today, we're recording another episode of Three Been Salad. So normally in this opening section, we would draw on what maybe we've been doing during the week. Yeah. Yeah. But literally, since the last episode was recorded, all I've done is sit in the same place and edit episodes of Three Been Salad. I'm less than, I would say I'm less than human at this stage. And I've mostly been driving and haven't had a single thought. I just want to say that what I've been up to is I've really just been reflecting on the fact that I've just been reflecting on, you know, Austria's winning, winning entrance in this year's

Eurovision Song Contest. And just thinking, you know, is Conchita worst for the future of music? And I think she might be. I just, I think what she did with Ryze like a Phoenix was amazing. Do you know what I mean? And I just think it really makes me think that 2014 is a great time to be alive. I didn't normally talk about the year as much as the moment, but I think... Well, I think I'm still on a bit of a high after the wonderful occasion that was the 2014 Brazil World Cup. Oh, it was so great. It's funny you refer to it as the 2014 World Cup when we're in the year 2014 right now, Ben. But that's the thing about World Cups, isn't it? They make you think about the year. But also, honestly, we're having a laugh, but I think we shouldn't forget the political unrest

currently happening in Thailand. So, well, we obviously, because the Royal Thai Armed Forces led by General Charoche, commander of the Royal Thai Army, has obviously just launched a coup d'etat. Yeah. So watch this space. I think is the 12th since the country's first coup in 1932 against the caretaker government of Thailand. But I personally, I've been trying to, I've been trying to take my mind off everything that's going on in Thailand with the news that the Japanese Space Agency, JAXA, is launching the unscrewed space probe Hayabusa 2 from the Tanigashima Space Center on a six-year round trip mission to collect rock samples. I tell you what, you know what, they could save a lot of money. I could collect some rock samples

from my garden, right? You don't think they need to go all the way to space? A fraction of the price I could give you as many rock samples as you want, like within hours. I mean, what are you going to find out from a rock? I mean, I certainly don't think that you're going to find out anything that would make a difference to the Microsoft's agreement to extend support for Windows XP for the next 12 years. And is there any coincidence that that's happened at the same time that Latvia has adopted the Euro? I don't think so. Well, I tell you what, it's quite hard doing this, isn't it? Knowing that it's, well, seven years before we actually start the podcast itself, but Ben, you were very persuasive

in your email that you'd looked at your diary and you're pretty sure that... The 2014 was the right time to do it, yeah. I think what I wanted to do really was maybe mark 100 years since the start of World War I, subconsciously. Yeah, yeah, that's a nice way to do it. That's why Mike is dressed as Archduke Franz Ferdinand. From the waist up. And from the waist down, I'm in traditional Spanish regalia because, of course, Philippe VI is getting crowned following the abdication of his father Juan Carlos I. Of course, of course. Yeah. Bloody David Cameron. Anyway, I won't talk about it any more, but bloody hell, he's absolutely up. There's an eight at the moment. Is he? Yeah. I wonder what these ISIS chaps are going to turn out to be like.

Probably nothing to worry about. But I tell you what, I tell you what, it is bothering me. This new bloody Microsoft Hi Sierra update? Do you mean Microsoft? No. Apple. This new bloody Apple Hi Sierra update. Isn't that good? Anyway, why don't we all listen to one of the leading jazz records being released this year? Trademark by Krista Fredrickson. While test driving, the Acura RLX. I was thinking of doing that. I do like to test drive all the cars as they come out, just to stay on top of it. I mean, I'd like to do that, but I'm still reeling from the fact that the actor Tim Piggott-Smith, who plays the Prime Minister H.H. Asquith in the BBC drama 37 Days, has recently told Andrew the Andrew Marshall that television needs more informative

drama. You know, I once had a very short conversation with Tim Piggott-Smith and he or I not. Wow. Did you? Yeah. What about? Well, it was about a production of Waiting for Godot that I'd been in. That you'd be. Yeah. Yeah. Weirdly, he was talking to me about it. What? Hang on. You had a conversation with the acclaimed actor Tim Piggott-Smith in which you talked about a production that you'd been in. I couldn't stop myself. It's Tim Piggott-Smith. I thought you only get one chance at this. I went up to him. I tapped on the shoulder. I said, Tim Piggott-Smith. He was pissing, by the way, when this happened. I said, so you touched on the shoulder. He turned around soaking your trousers and shoes.

Soaked me in immaculate, perfectly trained piss. Beautifully, wonderfully clear, resonant. Sparkling. Booming. Sparkling. Just national treasure level piss. Cut glass, British piss. And I said, Tim Piggott-Smith, he nodded. I said, did you see me in Waiting for Godot? In my sixth-form college production in 1995. It was basically a, it was some sort of theatre. It's quite a harrowing story. I don't know if this is the time to tell it, but at university, I was in a production of Waiting for Godot, playing one of the two characters who's waiting for Godot. And who are you playing opposite? A guy called Andrew. If you don't give the sound of an Andrew now, people are always getting to assume it's Prince

Andrew. And it was, well, the production did quite, everyone thought it was quite good. We won a competition to go to this like national play thing that was happening at Scarborough. It was like a national, I think it still happens, like a theatre. So all universities around the country sent- Yes, the National Student Drama Festival. National Student Drama Festival. I did a workshop with Sandy Toxford when I was there, by the way. So does she hold the keys to a definitive estragon? I think I was estragon, by the way. Anyway, so we were, we were riding high. We'd won, you know, they sent judges and we'd won a place at this thing. So it's a place from all over the country. So we performed Waiting for Godot and- People pretended to watch it.

People pretended to watch it as they do in theatres around the world to this day. That's the contract. They definitely weren't making an internal shopping list during the show. No. I was thinking about having to tax their car. And none of them were wondering, did I tax the car? It's exactly the same date I did the MOT. What was that a week later? I know that there's a lot of car stuff at this time of year. Oh, I know. It's the residence, it's the residence parking permit. That's the one. You've got to get your car docks in a row. You've got to get your car docks in a row. Clifford, have you brought a biro? I want to write something.

I'm trying to concentrate on our home contents insurance stuff. So they pretended to listen in the first half. What they didn't, though, pretend to do, which a lot of people at least do make the attitude generally, is to pretend to stay for the second half. So they didn't even... And that is what you know. Production of Godot is not working, is. I mean, we hadn't basically sold them the idea that it was worth waiting for Godot. They were like... Well, for them, Godot arrived. And they left with him. They probably had a room in the Alan Eggbourne with skimming stones down on the beach. Yeah, it would have been something like that. Yeah. I'm sure. I'm sure it wasn't your before.

It can't have been. It was awful. What happened was in the second half. Basically, we hadn't, basically, performing. It turns out that performing at a university in front of a fairly small group of your own friends, people that are bought into that small student theatre, it's basically a mutual back-scratching thing. And then we were suddenly in a much more real environment in a big theatre. And we hadn't really... Basically, you went from the equivalent of playing tennis against a wall to playing tennis against Raphael Nadal. And Raphael Nadal essentially walked out halfway through the second set because he was so bored. And that's the bad thing. You know, you're playing Raphael Nadal. You expect him to beat your ass, but you don't expect him to walk out.

No. Yeah, we had quite a few walkouts. We hadn't re-rehearsed it enough. I think I, somewhere, acting techniques had included things like... I'm not going to say using silly voices, but... Where's your guard, though? Where's your guard, though? Maybe he's a guard, though. I don't know. He's a come-in. Oh, where's your guard, a come-in? Henry Backer plays Mario playing Estragon. It's not necessarily theatre for all seasons, is it? Sure. But you're pushing the boundaries. Is that something that Sandy Toxford could talk to you directly? No, Toxford's workshop was one of the few positives I took from that weekend. It was

unrelated. There was a series of workshops during the day, and it turned out quite brutal humiliations in the evening when we actually had to put the show on. And basically, I could feel that the show was going wrong. I was thinking, what do you do, Henry? How do you win them over? You've tried the Italian accent. You've tried the script as is. I've tried the script as is and as isn't, at this point. I think I've tried... I'm not going to say pulling stupid facial expressions, but I have tried doing that, basically. I've tried to make my facial expressions more vibrant, more extreme, more grabbing. That hasn't worked. People are still walking out.

I've tried doing something which I sometimes do if I'm tense in real life, which is try and throw the pressure onto the other person by just looking at them the whole time. So if I just talk quite quietly now, actually, sort of retreat into my shell, as it were. Maybe they'll just be interested in the fact that Prince Andrew is doing a play in front of you. You're forming one half of... Wait, you forgot it. No, but basically, it was disaster production, right? You could feel you're losing the audience. A lot of them didn't come back in the second half. It was brutal. And I believe you, if you think it's boring and hard work to sit through a

production of it, try doing that on stage as part of it. Because I couldn't think about my car insurance. Well, if you're not bored doing it, you're not doing it properly. Exactly. That's what they say. You've got to relate to the audience. You've got to play the truth. And the truth of the moment is, I'm bored. I don't know who Goddow is. I did this production a few months ago in front of mainly friends. I pulled some funny facial expressions and did a stupid Italian accent. People laughed. And should I go with third party fire and theft or fully comprehensive? Also, I'm a student at the moment. I don't really have

insurance things to think about, but is there such a thing as student insurance? Should I think about getting student insurance? I mean, is it possible? I can insure myself against getting bad grades, for example. Or maybe putting on a poorly received play. If only you'd bought the insurance in advance. But you always think of it too late. There's no time to think of that, because they're leaving the end of the first half. You don't know the streets of Scarborough very well, but you've got to somehow shepherd them back in if you can. It's not going to be easy. It's a fool's errand. It's never going to work.

The most disastrous thing about it was, you know, Mike, you'll know this. What? You're in rep. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You've been. My term doing rep in Bogne. In Bogne. You've been giving your and andromeda. Yeah, my roller skates and your roller skates and and it's one of those nights where everything's going wrong. All the grand aims have shat themselves. The horse is the wrong way round. The wheels are literally coming off the roller skates. Someone's accidentally plugged in the phone, the false phone, into the actual phone socket.

You're getting calls. You're getting wrong numbers. Some was also accidentally plugged in the custard pie. So that's creating electric shocks. You know, there's nights where everything goes wrong. So that's what we had. And at the end of the play, at the end of waiting for God, I think it's Astragon's trousers fall down. And you know, it's all part of what makes the play so wonderful, which is that it's at that point in the play. You see an ass when you when you realize that your phone is probably actually covered by your home contents. That's the breakthrough a lot of people make. I don't need. I'm already covered.

And that's when people throw the roses. But no, it's at the end of the play, you know, because the whole play is it's a mixture of very, very, very, very boring. And but what happens is this kind of Vodaville element. Yeah. There's a Vodaville element. The ass bearing, which is when the trousers fall down, you see, which is something here, which is referencing music hall and asses and asses. And basically, so at the end of the play, literally, I think I think I can't remember what the last line is, but it's something like, God, I'm pretty sure he will turn up. He will turn up. It's something like that. It's referenced, God. And then Astragon's trousers

fall down. And then the audience clap. And this night, and what happened was this night, I stood there and my trousers didn't fall down. And that was the end of the play. Hang on. How with the trousers meant to fall down? Were they on some kind of, but there's a small charge goes off. And then there was a very, very small explosive charge mounted, routed to the back of my arm. Had your ass grown during the Sandy Toxic? Was it flushed with embarrassment? Was it swollen and flushed from shame? It could have been that. I mean, I was panic, I was panic eating. So the hardcore Beckett completists that have stayed just for that moment,

that had the few people who have stayed, they didn't even get their trousers moment. They must have been livid. Had the humiliation given you a humiliation boner? Swashbuckling suggestion from Messeven. What sort of reception did you get from the remaining audience? Muted. And what happened was the next day, there was a kind of essentially a seminar was called. Where crisis seminar. Basically, every morning, there was a big everyone joint came to a big lecture hall and there was a big debate and discussion about all the plays from the previous night. And our production got absolutely annihilated.

We had to sit there while it was absolutely annihilated. Who by by other students? By other students visiting pros? Other students, other the judges. So they were probably pros or so pros, journalists and people like that. Stephen Burkhoff was almost certainly there. Just in a cage, just snarling and spitting and foaming with what we and but Tim, I think Tim McGuismith was one of the judges. So then at some point in a urinal, in a urinal, he came up to me and said, you know, no hard feelings, mate, whatever. After the seminar was this, I think so. Yeah. Yeah. And he had he torn a strip off. No, no, no. He hadn't been horrible.

When you're at the urinal and you were undoing your trousers, did you make a sort of pointed reference to the fact your trousers didn't fall down at the end of the play? He went like, yeah, he seems to be able to get your trousers down now. Shame it's 15 hours too late. Because you, of course, let them drop fully to your ankles, don't you, when you're using a urinal? Always, always. Could be safe. Fill the air when your calves. So he was nice about it. Oh, yeah, no, he was totally nice about it. And he said that the

first thing you should do is swap. You should swap roles. I mean, I was thinking like, mate, this production is not going to carry on touring this, you know what I mean? But he said, what you need to do is you need to swap you and you and the other actor. Yeah, for two different actors. Yeah, he thought he thought me and the other actors should swap roles. I think the problem was a lot deeper than that. I think that's a kind thing to say though, isn't it? I mean, he would have known. He's no fool. He would have known that that production was at its end. But it's a nice thing to say. You're talking to an actor who's worked hard to embody their

character, work out their deepest flaws and internal logic. And he's gone, yeah, it's not working for either of you. You might be better off trying again with the other character. No, I think it is good. I think it's the only, I think he probably had to dig quite hard and deep to the search for something kind to say. And this is the kindest thing that could be found to be said about this woeful insult to British theatre. Because the fact is, it's rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic, isn't it? It's swapping one basically shit actor for another. The truth is, we both needed to be, all of us needed to be removed from that production. Except though, one thing which made the whole thing even worse in a way was, I don't know if you

know the play, but there's a bit where a sort of bloke on a sort of string comes along being led by someone. He's called something like Pozzo. Pozzo. Pozzo. We had to do it at school. We didn't understand a single word that was being said. Yeah. That guy, he basically won an award for the best actor. He literally, he won the award for best actor that year at the Scarborough Festival. So he was this guy that me and Vladimir, we barely even acknowledged him during the production. God, that. Someone's going to be the Pozzo. This chumpled is. Some chumps got to play Pozzo, I suppose. While I was just, you know, sorry, Pozzo, I haven't got time. I'm just working with these explosive trouser charges. But yeah, good luck to you, Pozzo.

So he shone so brightly. I'm just drying out my ass squib, so make sure it goes off tonight. Yeah. So he shone so brightly in this dog ship production that he's like the best actor of all time. 100%. He was amazing. He was brilliant. Even the lowest wattage bulb will shine bright in the cave that dark. Exactly. So you think he won by comparison, really? Yeah. To be honest, I think he was probably actually brilliant. He was probably really, really good. And that man's name was Russell Crowe. This production shit, mate. Pozzo. I'm Pozzo. Who the fuck are you? Talk down to me, will you? Well, maybe someone's going to swap out these electric trouser charges.

Yeah. Swap it for a dad. A similar trick that I often use with parachutes, with people that cross me. Everyone knows I fucking aced at Sandy Toxvik workshop. Toxvik knew I had something special. I should have been giving the workshop to Toxvik. Wow. Wow. Well, what a memory. Yeah. I've always thought there's something I didn't manage to, I've never managed to sort of portray it properly in the anecdote when I tell it. But I think there's something kind of quite ironic, isn't there? Because normally, your trousers falling down would be a bad thing. Whereas in this case, my trousers not falling. It was all you were being asked to do. It's all you wanted.

I wanted. It's my trousers to fall down. And he wouldn't even do that. That was the theater gods, though, the theater gods. They sometimes, when they take against a production, like your one-man chess, Mike. I was hoping we wouldn't come onto that. And when you say one-man, also playing all of the instruments as well. My one-man band chess. And the whole, the entire production, he wanted to be so, so mobile and so sort of travel ready that could all be stored inside. Well, I was doing the whole Far East, wasn't I? You're doing the whole Far East with just a travel chess. Yeah. And a one-man band kid. That's four years, I'm not getting back in it. Still. Went down a writing kiyoto,

it seems to remember. But they thought I was doing it ironically. Yeah. Anyway. What a show. This week's topic as sent in by Dr. P is Tubes. Tubes. Well, tubes, I would say are the kind of, well, I tell you what, I think, well, tubes are pretty, pretty vital. Human beings are mainly tube, right? Inside. We're mainly tubes. People say we're mainly water, but we're mainly tubes. We basically are a tube, basically. Mouth to anus, we are a tube. Yeah. Digestive tract talk, we are. Is that, is that true, Mike? Oh, yeah. Yeah. God's tube. And essentially, the point of the human organism is to break down foods,

isn't it? Via the tube. We're basically a worm. And often those foods themselves are tubes. Past the tubes. Past the tubes. You're having a penne, for example. All the other tubes available, like the, when there's a tube, but it's also wiggly. Yeah. Is that a rigatoni? Still basically a tube. Cucumber's a big tube, isn't it? Filled tube. Filled tube. All the animals, all the animals are tubes in the same way. Pigs, chickens, most obviously snakes, but they're all essential. I mean, the snake is the only animal which is basically just hasn't really added much to the tube in terms of its design. Well, a snake is like the most honest animal. It's kind of gone.

It's the most honest animal. I get it. I'm a tube. Exactly. Which is why it's ironic that it's culturally identified as the least honest animal. Yes. But that's, that's no coincidence. That's because it is actually the most honest animal. Because we dress it up. We sort of put baubles on our tube, right? Exactly. We've got clothes and... Headphones. Arms and headphones. Sometimes a biro or a pen in your top left hand sort of breast pocket. Which is another tube. It's just another tube.

That's just a tube. Basically tubes holding a series of tubes. That's an information tube. Yeah. And yeah. And you think about it, the essential tubes. So it's a food. It's a way of breaking down food, right? That's our main point. That tube, everything else is an accessory. So let... Powered on by our breathing through tubes. Breathing through tubes. Pumping blood around a series of tubes.

And that's so that the main tube can function. Our legs, which we could transport the tube around that, those are tubes. So the legs are two tubes. That's just for transporting the tube around. If it needs to go out of the way of something, for example, that's the only reason we actually move. Increasingly scientists are realising that the brain has the structure of a complicated church organ. Yeah. Well, look at the brain. It's just some tube that has been poorly and quickly packed.

As if trying to get on a Ryanair flight. Isn't it? Through hand luggage. It's like they've just had to pack it all in, darling. Just ram it together. And if you unfurl it... They're only going to throw it into the back of the airplane anyway. And if you if you unpack the brain, it's a tube that could stretch all the way to Wales. From... Especially when you're in Wales. Doesn't matter where you're from. It calculates it.

Well, the further away you are from Wales, the more your brain grows and the more... The longer the tubes, right? So you can reach Wales. Exactly. The tube. The tube? Yeah. Oh, here we go. Henry's in his element here. We've all lived in London at times.

That's true. We've all used the tube. Weirdest thing you've seen on the tube? I'll tell you what I never saw on the tube, but allegedly you could see on the tube sometimes. Was David Bowie. Really? David Bowie allegedly used to travel around by tube and he would read a Greek newspaper. Do you not know this? Oh, I'm aware of this. Yes.

No, I don't know this. He'd be reading a Greek newspaper. So the idea was that you'd look at him and go, is that David Bowie? And then someone with you would go, no, no, no, probably not. So look, he's reading a Greek newspaper. So it must be a Greek guy that looks like David Bowie. Paul David Bowie, though, he couldn't crack into a novel or read The London Light. He had to read a Greek newspaper.

I tell you what, I once saw... This is actually quite bad. I once saw Paul Weller on the tube. But because basically there are two types of celebrity slash famous rich people. There are those that keep... That still travel by the tube and those that don't. Yes. And Weller, obviously, he sees a Londoner through and through.

Is he? What are you reading? You... Now, sometimes I'll say that and some of them are going, no, they're from Liverpool. I'll get out of the fucking head and really thought about it. Yeah. I'm happy to assume he's a Londoner through and through.

But yeah, so he was on the tube. He was born and woken. Okay. So this is what happened, right? I was on the tube, I was... It was quite busy, so I was standing. I was with a friend. And my friend nudged me and looked to the left.

And I looked to the left and it was bloody Paul Weller, right? Sitting there just inches away from me. I was stuck. I was stood in the middle and he was sat right next to me, Paul Weller. A bloody Paul Weller? It was a bloody Paul Weller. And then he was absolutely fine. He wasn't bloodied.

But he was about to get a form of bloody nose accidentally from me because... Basically what happened was, I saw that it was Paul Weller. I was like, bloody hell, it's Paul Weller. And then obviously, you know, you just carry on with your life. I carried on standing there. A couple of stops went by. And I thought my conscious brain had sort of got over the fact that Paul Weller was there, right?

But unfortunately, my unconscious brain had very different ideas. And my unconscious brain decided to tell my mouth to start singing the song. No. Going underground. By the jam. And honestly, it was completely accident. So what happened was... You are the worst man who's ever lived.

So I was going, going... And then I suddenly remember, oh no, no, no, no, no, Paul Weller's is. Stop. You can't sing going underground because it's sound. So if people don't know this, Paul Weller was in a bank of the jam. They did a song called Going Underground. Probably their most famous song. The London Underground is sometimes referred to as the underground.

And he would have heard that a million, people would have done that to him on the tube. A million times. Every single tube journey he's ever taken in his life since that song. It felt like I was making fun of him or just being a div. So I'd go, stop it Henry, stop thinking about... So stop singing going underground next to Paul Weller. It feels like you're sort of bullying him or just being an idiot.

So then I stopped singing going underground. But again, life carries on. Three or four stops later now. People is going to Heathrow as far as this is going. And again, my unconscious brain starts going, well, you know, it's probably Paul Weller, isn't it? You know, what songs is he by either? They probably like this.

No one's ever done this before. They probably said you're a really original... He won't mind... He won't mind... ...the character. Maybe he'll ask you to be friends. No, no, but I don't think my unconscious brain had any agenda like that. I think my unconscious brain...

My unconscious brain was just doing what it does, which is it makes connections. It goes, it goes, Paul Weller, the jam. So we could think about jam. We could think about that current jam. We could think about marmalade. Is that kind of jam? Yeah, that's okay.

Think about that for a bit. So that's... Did you read out loud the giant jam sandwich as well? And then your brain goes, wait, he was in the jam? And then, okay, what songs did they do? Well, they did That's Entertainment. Yeah.

We could hum that, but whatever. Town called Malice. They did a town called Malice. Decent song. They did Going Underground. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Then your unconscious goes, well, we're on the underground.

That sort of... The synapses link or whatever. And again, I started singing it again. Going underground, going underground. And then the friend with me started giving me eyes that stopped singing Going Underground in his art. He was sick because it seems like you're really... You're really trying to taunt him.

Really bullying Paul Weller. Really trying to taunt Paul Weller now. And the people in the carriage, you know who they're going to side with. It's not going to be you. It's always going to be Weller in that situation. Did he... He didn't react in any way? He didn't react in any way.

I think he was like, here we go again. This is the life I chose. Rightly or wrongly. Yeah. There's not... And probably maybe it's all just punishment for the style council. Maybe that's...

It's a pill I have to swallow. Yeah, so that's... Have you seen anyone famous on the street? I saw Michael Portillo, but I didn't... I didn't sing it. Well, that's... It's a political thing, isn't it? Which is you've got to sort of basically take the tube.

If you're a politician, you've got to be seen to travel with the people every so often. You can cycle if you wish. You should cycle. And I once had Pani Ash down on a train. But he was on top of the train, wasn't he? With the bazooka. That's right.

And he was firing straight at you, wasn't he? That was quite a visceral experience. I've seen on the tube, I saw a BBC political correspondent, Nick Robinson, looking very flustered and reading through lots of paper, as if he was about to do an interview that hadn't quite done the prep and was doing it on the tube. I don't want to cast aspersions.

Can I say that's a level of fame, which is, to me, I think... If I saw him on the tube, my body would have absolutely no reaction. There'd be no adrenaline, but nothing. You're like getting into a perfectly tepid bath. Your genitals drop into it and they're fine. Nothing's changed. This is... There's no threat. There's nothing exciting about this.

There's no threat. There's nothing. It would just be it's Nick Robinson. Yeah, fine. Most people, of course, go into a bath toe first, but... Henry's not from the same cloth as the rest of us. Henry's feet and hands are connected to a drone, which then lowers him slowly. I'm not ashamed to say it.

Hogtide. Hogtide to a drone. I'm hogtide to a drone. And slowly blow it. And regardless of the water temperature, you aren't going in. I'm going in genitals first. Lewed content warning. It's the same thing.

You rip the plaster off, you face your demons, head on. You scold Disgrossom. You scold Disgrossom. And you scold it hard enough. It's like it's the same reason that you put a steak, a sirloin steak straight into a hot, hot, hot pan. You seal the juices in. And that's how you keep it nice and moist inside.

You seal that scrotum up with the hard, the hard, hard crunchy crust. So you're saying that if you saw Nick Robinson, it would be like the experience of that. It would be like being hogtide to a drone and dropped into a bath. And it being the right temperature. So in a way, relief would be the main feeling, I think. A sense of relief.

And I live to fight another. And the sense of questioning, like, is this really necessary? It's the whole thing worth it. Yeah. But at the time, this was many years ago. Was Nick Robinson, was he genuinely busy? Yes, he was. He was always, was he just appearing to be busy to...

Oh, I don't know. Yes, he did. Because Paddy Ashton gave the appearance of being busy. Paddy Ashton was also very good at carrying on working while everyone was staring at him. People quite openly stared at him. Yeah. And he was, he was, he was typing away.

Just, he was just sort of knocking out another book on the train to Crookern, as the rest of us just looked on. Yeah. And did naff all with our time. I once sat behind a quite prominent Plaid Cymru politician on the train to North Wales. And they sat down, they got their laptop out. They wrote the title of the thing they were going to write,

which was like, I don't know, Reflections on Public Transport in Gwyneth or something. And then just fell asleep for hours. And then woke up wherever we were, closed the laptop, got off. And I thought, yeah, yeah. That's my approach to train work as a whole. What was the thing he wrote at the top? I can't remember, but it was something, it was some kind of,

you know, fairly dry, something about public transport or, you know. Ben, you could, you could have filled it in. Oh my God, I could have changed the trajectory of this country. You could have filled it in, Ben. You could have had, you could have a major influence on, on the bus network in, in Gwyneth, on the Gwyneth tubes. I tell you, one of the worst things that can happen on the, on London's tube, especially to a Londoner,

is if you run into, because it's such a close environment, if you run into someone you know on the tube, but sort of don't really want to talk to on the tube, you have to have this horrendously awkward conversation with everyone listening and everyone aware of what's going on. And I once had this experience. I was on the tube and I realized that right opposite me sat up, literally opposite me with someone I sort of knew, but didn't want to talk to.

And did they want to talk to you? Well, that was the thing. They probably didn't want to talk to you either, Henry. That was the thing. We had this weird game of eye chess where I just kept my eyes on my knees. And I thought, I didn't have a prop. I didn't have a book. I didn't have the classics, which is you get that copy of the Metro.

Obviously, that's why the Metro exists. You pull it up. Yeah. You use it as a face shield to not talk to people. And I didn't have anything like that. So I just, I just tried to pull off this thing, which is, maybe I could just not look at, maybe I can just sit opposite someone I know and not look at them.

That can happen, right? Not having any knowledge that they're there, ever. Did you use a little sort of nod or like a little... Just at the last minute. No, no, no. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, that's quite a clever one, except I didn't know where he was getting off. I didn't, I didn't know how long I could pull it off for.

So I just said, I did this thing, which is I'm just going to, to not look at his face. But it was such a dangerous game, because if my eyes accidentally glanced at his face, we'd have to talk. So I just sort of pretended I'm just, I'm just not looking. I'm just the guy who's going to happen to not look at your face. I imagine he found this whole thing quite chilling. I think he did.

But also, it did occur to me as well that I did realize, after a certain amount of stops, that he was doing exactly the same thing to me. And we were both playing this kind of unusual British sort of like game of, I know that you don't want, not want to talk to me. You know that I don't want to talk to you, but we're not going to let each other know that we both know that each other doesn't want to talk to the other one. Because Scarborough's in the past and we don't want to talk about this anymore.

But all I did was, I just to make sure the point got home, I did rip his trousers off as I got off at Paddington, I did rip his trousers off. You do that anyway, when you go to the gym, I've seen you. Exactly, yeah. There should be a word, shouldn't there, that you can just invoke and just say it. And that, that means, like, Let's not do this. Yeah, it feels like there needs to be the same word for like,

if you're getting your haircut and you don't really want to talk to the hairdresser. Because you can never say, you can't say, do you mind if we don't chat? I just want to have some quiet time, that's weird. But if there was just the thing you could just say, just say it, one word and they know what it means and you just... FANJAMBO. FANJAMBO. FANJAMBO.

FANJAMBO. I invoke FANJAMBO. Exactly. Sometimes with that, I might not be in the mood, but often it's more likely than I'll feel like I'm not, I'm not going to give you what you want here. I'm not, I'm not up to this. You might be very good at this, but you're going to,

you're just going to be flailing against a sort of wet rag here. Nothing is, you're not going to be getting the good stuff out of me. You're better off not wasting your time, not trying to get any life out of me. Just listen to the music in the background. FANJAMBO. FANJAMBO. FANJAMBO. FANJAMBO.

I'd like, yeah, I can have a FANJAMBO appointment, please. Yes. With Carl at 10.45. I'd happily pay a FANJAMBO premium. I'd like to go to a FANJAMBO wedding. Wow. So do you think, could FANJAMBO be a service that you pay for, that we could monetize? Someone comes around your house and doesn't speak to you.

So if you subscribe to FANJAMBO, it gets you, it's the opposite of a phone network, which we happily pay for, which is to communicate with people, but a network which means you don't have to communicate with people. So if you subscribe to FANJAMBO with our opening package, $7.99 a month, you don't have to talk to anyone you knew it's from school, for example. It's a nice idea. How does this package...

I know. ...confer any value to the... We've got the elevator pitch, and he's nailed it. Ben, this is the kind of negativity that... Because who gives a shit? The main thing is the idea's good. It's like with Coca-Cola, a black fizzy drink and a red can. That's the idea.

Brilliant. They work out how to make it later on. It's a red can. That's the main thing. Red can, fizzy drink, black. Black drink, red can. Christmassy. Who cares what's in it?

Do you know what I mean? We'll work that out later. It's the concept, the key idea. But I think in your business model, you're going to have to start basically hiring like squads of goons to go around stopping people from invoking FANJAMBO without paying. Yes.

So essentially it becomes like a sort of protection racket where... Yeah, great. ...if someone says FANJAMBO within earshot or one of your goons. And subscribers, you're going to have to investigate as finding people from their past just to inform them. Just so you know, should you come across Henry back on a tube or any other situation, he has declared FANJAMBO. So please, no conversational gambits.

Oh, that's quite a moment, isn't it? When, you know, there's an ock on the door and your mother opens it and a man says, I'm afraid your son has invoked FANJAMBO. He never wants to speak to you again. He does want to see you. FANJAMBO! He'll see you on Christmas.

He FANJAMBO'd his own mother. He's happy to sit next to you on the sofa. Watch the Queen's speech. But in silence, please. Well, in compendable silence, please. He has FANJAMBO'd, yeah. A FANJAMBO car. You could buy FANJAMBO cars for a long time.

Well, there could be FANJAMBO carriages on the train. Yes. Well, no, but the other thing is, the most high-tech version, I think, is a FANJAMBO face helmet, where essentially you're wearing a helmet, which looks exactly like your face, over your head. Very good. Yes.

And it basically, the ear holes, basically using in-outs, think-to technology, yeah. Your ear holes only open up to allow in noise, or words, language, from people that how you have not FANJAMBO'd. Which would be processed on an app of some sort. Which would be processed on an app.

So basically, if someone that you FANJAMBO'd comes up to you on the Tube, your eye holes won't let in the visual waves, and your ear holes won't let in the sound. So they just won't be there for you. So you'll spare the awkwardness. You'll completely spare the awkwardness. It's deep.

This is the Luxury Deluxe Platinum FANJAMBO packages. Oh, that's $29.99. That's $29.99 a month. They are FANJAMBO'd at source, these people. So you don't even have to be aware. And they're electrocuted by the helmet? They are electrocuted. They are incinerated, powdered.

And they're put into a little capsule size of a tic-tac, which you can either swallow or send to their relatives. So you've got options. But also, what would be really nice is, you see someone on the Tube. Yeah, let's say it's a guy, you did a summer job with this guy in a gift shop in Islington, let's say. And you both look at each other,

and then you both, what would happen is, I'm guessing some sort of, would it come out of your mouth? A Tube with the F the... The FANJAMBO insignia. The FANJAMBO insignia. You'd both... Because you've got... That's probably the simplest way to do it.

What the internal Tube method? Because you go to speak, you go to say, oh, hi Ian, God, that job was annoying, wasn't it? Do you remember our boss, all this absolute FANJAMBO, classic FANJAMBO-able stuff? We could use that in the ad, couldn't we? Oh yeah. And me and Mike could do voiceovers,

and even face-unders for the roles, we could play them. But, you know, you're about to speak... But instead, the internal Tube comes... Hang on, why have YouTube been casting the advert? There was no mention of me being in the advert. You said that as a... Oh yeah, me and Mike could be in it. One of us has got to play someone called Ian in this, okay?

Oh, we just didn't think you were ready to play. We didn't think you were quite ready to stretch to that. Like, can you tell Henry that I'm FANJAMBOing him for the rest of the episode? Stop it already. We both know Ben. Look, we don't... We all know him.

We don't... We don't... We don't have to. Horrible about it. He's giving me the insignia. You can only do voiceover, Ben. You've got one thing on your voiceover CV, which is you can play anthropomorphised ferret.

And who doesn't want to talk to an anthropomorphised ferret? Yeah, good point. Good point. Normally, FANJAMBO that. I was trying to get into the... Compare the meerkat thing, but no. And there's also... There's even some footnotes with that,

which is not... You can't play a hero ferret. Right. Or a leading ferret. You're very much a character ferret. But ideally background ferret or silent ferret. Also, Henry, as we established... Ferret with hat.

As we established in the previous episode, when you said there's only one thing on your voiceover CV, that overestimated by one. Well, you wish it was one, because you wouldn't be paying infinite fat. You just need that one gig to get your VAT manageable. Oh, just that one. And it's not the FANJAMBO, apparently.

It's not going to be that. You're not getting that gig, sorry. But lovely moment when you spot someone, you go to speak to them, but then the tube comes out of your gullet, comes out of your mouth, with the FANJAMBO logo on the end, which his tube comes out of his mouth or her mouth.

The FANJAMBO, the two logos, their intelligent logos, they recognise each other. They both glow. Right. And then it's just tossed to the dice, which one of you gets dissolved and turned into that little thing in the other? In the capsule.

But that's a... And there'd be probably geolocation on it, so you wouldn't even need to actively slip it out. It's just going to lull out as soon as that person approaches. Exactly. But as you say, Ben, FANJAMBO weddings, the entire wedding done by FANJAMBO. Brilliant.

Because actually, I think once FANJAMBO is happening, it's quite nice, actually, to see that person. It may not be unpleasant to see that person and sort of nod maybe, say, you know, sort of physical, oh, hi. But that's as far as it needs to go. But then you never know what might happen. Ben, actually, is you'll think, you know what?

I've spent $29.99 a month to not have to speak to this guy. And that's fine. That's good. I made that decision. I'm happy with it. It's a great package. But the customer service, when it started malfunctioning, they were very quick to...

Oh, yeah. Because the number of people who were getting turned into pellets who weren't on my FANJAMBO list was absolutely horrifying. I pelleted pretty much everyone. Well, certainly all my close family got pelleted. Everyone within a four mile radius. Everyone within a four mile radius got pelleted. Just a series of pellets.

I mean, even when she included the FANJAMBO, my local FANJAMBO store, they all... It's like, I couldn't talk to them. That was a full zero. But they were very... They were quick on it, weren't they? They were quick to say, we will look into the pelleting issue

that we've heard maybe happening in your area. They were much quicker to respond once all their staff had been pelleted. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, sorry, I cut you off there, Henry. No, but yeah, sometimes you might look at that person and actually go, you know what?

We've not chatted since we had that summer job years ago in that shop in Islington, I mean. And we've almost certainly got nothing in common. So, you know, we have both signed up to FANJAMBO, you know. See, maybe it's nice actually to have a chat with them about the whole FANJAMBO experience. How is it working for him? Did he have anyone he knew?

And then you're pelleted. Bam! And then you're playing frown. Bam! You pelleted. Bam! Because! And you signed up for... Breach of Contract Pellet. End of Contract Pellet.

Any contract breach will be punished with instant pelleting because you have to sign up for the whole concert. Pellet first, questions later. And it will be a relatively deluxe pellet because if you sign up for 29.99 a month, you'll get... Oh, yeah. A, it won't just be a hollowed-out tic-tac. Like, that's what they use on the cheaper pellet.

It'll be a bespoke... Molded plastic pellet. Not dissimilar to the inside of a Kinder Egg. This time, the surprise is you. 29.99 a month. And that will happen if it's just like a billing problem with their system. Which means your direct debut.

It's going to be glitches. Glitches is going to be teething troubles. Yep. It's quite a high-wire thing, really. That's the price you pay for progress. And obviously, you can... The very open is you can call them up. If, for example, you've been stuck on your old...

Fandango. What's it called again? Fandango. Fandango. It's not Fandango. Fandango. Fandambo. Fandambo.

Pelleted. You've got a name wrong. Oh, yeah. Pelleted now. Which is so easy. That said, absolutely. Tightrope walk decimated the whole population. It was in minutes.

Within minutes of being activated. Fandambo. Fandambo. They're only open about... I can't believe you think you're the ones being the advert. You can't even get the name right. They're very open, Fandambo. Well, I think the positive should be you can call up.

If, for example, you're accidentally stuck on an old tariff and they could lower it, because that will happen is after the first year. Oh, you've pelleted so many people. You've pelleted so many people that actually your premium has gone down, but actually your tariff stays high. You can call up. You go straight through to someone.

Well, that's how they get you, isn't it? And they'll... Yeah, exactly. And but they'll lower your rate immediately and pellet you. Same call. So for a moment, you think you've got yourself a really good deal. Then you realise, well, you have. No, you have, but you've been pelleted then.

It's part of the... You've signed up for it. It's part of it. Because in the same way that you want to... It's not a fantambo. You also want... Oh, God. One strike and you're pelleted.

Two strikes, even smaller pellet. We're getting denser. Are you listening to this podcast intentionally? And not just because the loved one has put it on in the car and what's wrong with just sitting in incompanible silence for once? Then you, in the first category, might be interested to know that Three Bean Salad

are doing a live show on Saturday, the 17th of September, 2022, 4.30pm at the London Podcast Festival, Kings Place, London, obviously. Not Exeter or Cardiff where Mike and Ben live, but London, where Henry lives and where we did it last year, which is fine. Tickets to be in the room on the day

or to stream the show for up to seven days after the event are available from Thursday, the 30th of June. Patreon members get access to a presale from the 28th of June. Expect magic. Expect dance. Expect razzmatazz. Expect Jesse Plamons on decks

and Russell Crow telling all about the secrets of ostrich farming. Expect that, but don't get it. Get three men sitting in chairs doing lukewarm banter. Live. Okay, time to read your emails. We need an email's jingle, I think. Oh yeah.

How have we not done that? It happens every week. That's extraordinary, isn't it? If only there was someone whose job it was to actually take responsibility for coming up with ideas for jingles and doing the jingles and stuff, who should have done that.

Someone's getting a big crotchety before lunch, are they? I'm literally not using a banana today. If you can imagine that, that's where I'm coming from right now. I do think I can imagine that. Well, we'll have a think about the... I think we will make some kind of email jingle. I think we should email jingle, which sums up, Ben,

the technological wonder of just communication in the email age, while at the same time, doffing its cap and giving a sly nod and a wink to the old postmasters. Well, I think there should be the sound of a horse being shot, but by a machine. I thought you were going to say a horse being shot. Yeah, do what you want with it creatively, but...

But by a machine. That feels dark, some sort. Yeah, a horse being shot by a robot, I suppose. Being shot by a terminator. A musical terminator. Yeah, something like that. Anyway, that's for the future. This is an email where the subject alone got me excited.

So this is from Ando, and the subject is, A Submariner's Perspective. Yes. Give me an armchair and four hours with this person, and I will show them a good time. I'll have a good time. So there you are, Ando Ruyuhama here. This is not my real name, so excuse the nom de plume,

but I fierce burbs. Don't play. You can reach you anywhere, even at the depths. Yeah. He starts at the depths. You know what I mean? That's where he comes up from. That's where he bubbles up from.

So Ando writes, Up until August of last year, I was a Submariner serving in the Royal Navy, and I now work as an engineer building guided missile systems for a subsidiary of BAE Systems. Imagine my surprise when I discovered your podcast and heard the amount of airtime you devoted to both submarines and BAE.

We have mentioned both those things in the past. I do, however, have one thing to say, having listened to your exercise episode. Now this is a while ago. During that episode, one of us made a reference to a 75 horsepower wind. Right. He writes,

A 75 horsepower wind would be incredible, literally incredible and terrifying. Allow our lady mathematics to paint a picture worthy of Henry's semi-decent cartoonist backer. I mean, yeah. That's not going down well. I'll tell you that from the look of his face on Zoom. Yeah.

Well. He can handle lukewarm banter of being used as sleep aid, but do not come for his cartooning. Unless you've got a guided missile system. Yes. In which case, it's absolutely open season. Because, yeah, it gets billion boots. Because the pen might be mightier than the sword,

which it isn't. But it's mightier than an Exocet missile. It's not. It's just not. It's just not. It's just not. And they're both the same shape. But they're tube.

They're both tube shaped, aren't they? Both tubes. He writes, One horsepower is the amount of work required to move 550 pounds, one foot in one second. Why would you want to do that? I mean, why are we basing our measurements around such a bizarre, tall story?

Well, how on earth are we in that situation? Well, I assume that's how much weight a horse can move one foot in one second. So one second. It's the weight of the horse, isn't it? How it can move itself. Oh, I see. Oh, I see.

Oh. He's not dragging a missile. I don't think so. So do horses move at one second per foot, do they? That's right. At all times. And at no other speeds. So one foot per second.

And if they're still, they're actually doing that just forwards and backwards, but just such a fast rate that it looks like they're standing still. It's one foot per second. It's hard to work out if that's fast or not. Is that fast? Sort of sounds fast because it's just per second,

but it's only a foot. Tricky. They could traverse your body in six seconds. It would take them six seconds to trample me from the feet to the scalp. Yeah, I think that's quite a slow moving. Yeah. I think that's being sort of rolling pinned, essentially.

I think if you were to ask me while that was happening, Henry, do you feel this stamping is going quickly or not? I think I'd be saying, it's actually really dragging on, if anything. So yeah, that's how they measured it. So you're right. So therefore, a 75 horsepower wind

gusting for even a single second would be enough to move 18 tons a single foot. Indeed. Or the average Hainder I-10, approximately 20 feet. This is from a single one second gust. From an nautical perspective, a 75 horsepower persistent wind

would propel the average 17th century ship of the line at 1,000 tons to the speed of sound in 32 seconds. Button down the hatches might not quite cover it. I put it to you that horsepower is not a great wind unit. Oh, it depends which end of the horse you're standing, doesn't it? All right.

Let's move on. Let's move on. Here's the news. However, I can speak from experience when I say that a 75 horsepower wind would not do as much damage as the wind produced on a Thursday morning on board a Vanguard-class submarine

because Wednesday night was curry night. Hey, there we go. Beautifully done, Hando. And 160 hairy-ass submariners really can do some damage. Lovely. And very much thinking in tune with our own Henry Packer there. Lovely.

Great stuff. We're on the same page. I saw an ad for BAE systems on the Tube the other day. That's weird. Yeah, that is weird. How two-for-one landmines or something? It had a picture of a plane, a military plane, and it was just a general...

It was like one of those ones for night where it's just someone running or whatever. It was just saying we're generally good. It wasn't selling a specific product, but it's a bit odd. I just didn't feel... I didn't know what I was supposed to buy off the back of it. Anyway. Maybe you're supposed to get an apprenticeship,

do some designs. You must have as a kid drawn some sort of battle scenes and some weapons and stuff. Well, I wish I had gone that way, but unfortunately, I've just saddled myself with monthly payments for a tornado. Which... Nightmare to park in your part of London. Nightmare to park.

And even spread over five years, it's over £75,000 a month. So even broken down like that, it's still galling. And then tornado insurance on top of that. Yeah. Well, it's a two-seater though, isn't it? At least that's something. It is a two-seater. So it's all out for those all the city break weekends.

But adapting it for Bluebell is going to cost a fortune. Well, the first time you took her on there, she did a look that unmistakably said, where's the rear guns? Where's my rear gun and compartment? Yeah. You've bought the wrong kind of plane. Where am I going to stick a postcard of a viriline?

Where am I going to stick that, Henry? It was all implied in the look. Andy writes, PS. Attached is a photo of me on board the boat to prove it. Please don't share this as technically, it was never supposed to have been taken. Oh my God. Wow.

He could be had up for espionage, could he? And there he is on his submarine. And the submariners, all of them look very, very hench. I'll just send you the image. They will be beefy. Good grief. That's some powerful-looking submariners. Pretty beefy guys, right?

Because you don't need to be that strong when you're in a submarine because the battle stuff is taken care of with the torpedoes, right? We think it rose itself, do you? Unbelievable. You guys, you landlubbers. I just think given the limited space, given the limited space in what is actually just a fairly small tube, you want small, weedy people like me, little elfin people.

Yeah. You are, you too. That's a good point, actually. But that is a problem in society at the moment, is unnecessary henchness, is beefing up, filling up our streets with beef. You open your front door and you've got a big beefy shoulder in your face. You can barely move.

So look at these important guys, because those guys, they're not just submariners. They are ambassadors of Her Majesty's Navy. To the deep. To the giant squid. To the squids and the various threats that they keep in check. Because if it wasn't for submariners, we'd be overrun by giant squids, wouldn't we?

And the fact that we can eat calamaris on a beach holiday. Yeah, the fact that we've got stingrays in aquariums and not in our own homes. Is down to those guys. Well, stingrays are actually birds, aren't they? It's the submariners that keep them underwater. You can see from what they're clearly flying. You can see what they're doing.

So imagine them above ground. No, it may. Above water. Or thanks, Ando. Yes, thank you, Ando. Thanks, Ando. And that might be it, because I've got to go. It's time to pay the ferryman.

Patreon. Patreon. Patreon.com. 4 slash 3 beats salad. Thank you to everyone who signed up on the Patreon. Thank you. Thank you very much indeed. There are various tiers.

There are various things you can access, bonus episodes, etc. If you sign up at the Sean Bean Tier, you get access to the Sean Bean Lounge where Michael was last night. Sure was. And I believe it was the Monster Truck Derby. It certainly was. The annual Sean Bean Monster Truck Derby.

As it turns out, and here's my report. Devastated to smithereens. And ran Helen Latham's Warrior Priestess with cumbersome sword off the track into Will Cochrum's unattended arse thunder crush station. All while he was trying to put a banana in the exhaust of Kieran Hayward's workable hangover. The freestyle speed-off saw James Nicklaus'

guilt-wrecked widowmaker take a pummeling from Iona Yagamuchi's In for an Inferno In for a pounding just as Matt's gas orangutan leap-frogged Marcus Gray's tornado voyeur landing right on top of Kevin Marshall's Colonel Crunch and bouncing into the recently repaired wind mirror of Alex's Big Foot Toast Up. Jessica Gunn's revenge of the least favourite

sibling beasted Mark Constable's Imaginer Pig with a rifle in the ditch and pitch, and the evening drew to a dramatic close as Lucky Quirk was braced for the Double Flip Death Ramp Challenge when whom should flatten his Maxi Muddy puddle splasher but Sean Bean himself on El Bino Loco. Keep it, Monster.

OK, so, well, this is the end of the show. Thank you very much for listening. The last thing we need to do is decide which version of our theme tune, provided by you, the listeners, to play us out with. And I've decided to go with, well, with Kathy Rivett and, more specifically, Kathy Rivett's dog, Barney, who has provided this week's theme tune.

Well, Kathy writes, Hello Beans, here is my dog's version of the theme song. I've been playing violin since before getting a dog. When we got the dog, he made practicing violin very difficult. He sings along. Before you get a bollocking on my behalf on how I shouldn't play violin around, in please note, I always open the door

so he can go outside and leave, but he generally comes closer like he wants to join in. So I've attached the audio of Barney, the spaniel, singing with violin accompaniment from me. Also attached a picture of Barney looking majestic. And I'm looking at the picture now. I can confirm he does look pretty majestic, Barney. He's lying down, front legs stretched out in front of him

on a line on a pebble beach. Nice big gray pebbles that look like the ones that you might get a painting of in the reception area of a spa. He's got a big pink tongue. He looks like he's got long black sort of shiny hair. He looks to me like he's a lab or possibly a black golden retriever. So maybe we might put this picture up on social media,

should be good. Anyway, here's Barney to sing us out, accompanied by Kathy Rivett. Goodbye. He's a spaniel. She said it in the email. Barney's a spaniel.