Three Bean Salad - Tusks

Episode Date: April 27, 2022

For the final episode of the season, tusk monomaniac Jerome of Indiana, locks the beans onto his favourite dental protrusion. It will come as no surprise to Jerome that the beans prod their chat fangs deep into the definition of true art, the ethics of umbrella storage and Henry’s arena-filling splinter project.Get in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpodJoin our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansalad

I'll hang on, I'm doing a thing where I'm recording over and over again.... it's self recording, okay, back to the beginning. It's a kind of Bowie thing, isn't it? Yeah, so my, whatever I say this, what I'm saying now, I think, well, no, this will be lost under a fully sort of club sandwich. Yeah. If it's a princess in the peace situation, it'll be loads of layers of me saying something and just be the one on top that's visible. I think. Would you fast asleep?

Would you fast asleep? Well, no princess of me. Um, hang on a second. Have you been, have you been making loops? I've been making loops. Have you gone about Katie Tunstall? I'm just messing around with the medium guys. Yeah.

Um, okay. I think I'm, I'm now recording in a linear way because that's what the old snooze brothers think is the best way to proceed. Sorry. Um, Mike and Ben snooze. I was portraying you both as, as a pair of boring brothers who are anti experimentation in the form. Because remember, remember, I've said this before we are at the dawn, the very breaking of the dawn. 11 years now, probably after the creation, the inception of a brand medium of the dawn. It's 11 years after the dawn.

We're in the semi regulated West. Exactly. That's right. There are some rails that there's some train stations. Most of the land has been portioned up. There's a bit of infrastructure. There is a legal system in place. Yep.

Although some people play fast and loose with it. Yeah. But it is jury, it's jury trials. So it's pretty solid. Um, There's no sort of social safety net, so to speak. That's right. Very little healthcare.

There's no healthcare. There's no, um, I mean, the gun laws are pretty spicy. In that there aren't any. In that there aren't any. But when you've got this number of mountain lions trailing around the place, you need a pistol by a side at the very least, didn't you? That's true. Our mountain lions in this metaphor, um, podcast reviewers for the broadsheets.

That's right. I don't think you have ever been reviewed, have we? Um, Not that I know of. I think I would normally know because I think my mother has set up a very complicated system of alerts any, any sort of mention of me anywhere in the media. Wow. Across the world in any language.

Just traditional media or anywhere on the internet. All media. Print. Radio. Mike, sorry to call you so early on a Saturday morning, but this, um, this Korean teenager doesn't seem to be a big fan of your ties. Exactly. Cause your father and I are very, very concerned about it.

I've got a, a Google alert for my own name. Is that embarrassing to admit? Yeah, that's bad. Yeah. So I set that up. That's the ultimate narcissism. I'd say. Yeah.

Unless you're on the run. If you're on the lamb play, I think it pings about four times a year. Okay. And three of those four times is there's a promising young footballer in Gloucestershire who scores a lot of goals for his under 14s team. And they get some nice write ups. And I suppose overall that's still good for the Benjamin Partridge brand, isn't it? Overall, you still see that as a positive, don't you?

Absolutely. Yeah. What was that? Which part of the country was it? Was it Devin? Somewhere in the West country. Yeah. Benjamin Partridge has seemed to be clustered in the kind of Bristol radius.

Yeah. There's a Celtic sort of. Celtic remnant. There's a Celtic remnant. It's, it's, there are probably lay lines, aren't there? They'll be Partridge. Well, because it would have been, I don't think any Anglo-Saxon or Roman or Viking would have had a profession as a Partridge.

It's more likely to be the Celtic type tribes where that you could, that could be your day-to-day nine to five. Right. Get up, go to work, get dressed as a Partridge, go and be a Partridge. It was to beat out the other Partridges for the hunt, wasn't it? So you had to go and live amongst the Partridges. As a mega Partridge. Yeah.

As a mega Partridge. As a king of Partridges. Yeah. It was very shaded by the, you know, the herd. Yeah. I don't know if you'd use the word herd. At the time it was, at the time it was herds, yes. That was before people, there was any distinction between different, yeah.

That was when Partridges grazed. Exactly. Well, that's the thing. Mighty herds of Partridges grazed the steppes. The whole of the British Isles. Flightless. Yeah. Very, very, very grand, noble, huge beasts.

Very, very slow moving, but with a real gentle sort of. Tries for their hides and horns. Well, that's right. Of course, because most of them at the time about 90% of them were the elephant Partridge, which is something to extinction. Incredible animals. Yeah. And the Partridge tongue was a great delicacy at the time, I think.

That's right. And would be pressed and eaten on high days and holidays. That's right. And it said if you. Wedding nights. Yes. And if you swaddled, if you swaddled your firstborn in a Partridge tongue, there was always, they said there was a high chance of that one growing up to become.

Getting a good set of GCSEs. Getting really a solid set of workable GCSEs. You know, like. At least to be in France. At least to be in France. At least to be in French. A cluster of a cluster of seas around the sciences. Double science minimum.

Yeah. And a couple of, of a popping out of that, a couple of really, really quite nice A's. Possibly in the softer subjects. Yeah. Or history of history. Jogary of history. French of music. Yeah.

History of French, history of French music. And then obviously in terms of your grade, art is just a crapshoot. There's no, there's no rhyme or reasons as to what grades you'd get in art. Can I say, I fully get behind that because. Don't say you were poorly. I used to call poorly. I have had to carry the, well, imagine, imagine a cross, a gnarled, heavy oak, wooden crucifix, but in the shape of the letter B.

Oh no. And you've carried that your entire life. I've carried that. Are we talking GCSE or A level? We're talking A level here. Shit. I've got to be in A level art. That's it.

Mike, should we just mute it? It's, look, it's one of those great ironies. James Joyce. James Joyce took bloody ages to get Ulysses published. I think 15 years. But he got a solid A in his A level art. Yeah. He got a good A.

But yeah, no, it took him 15 years to get Ulysses published. And. What does that have to do with you getting, you're going to have to work quite hard to turn this one around, I think. What I'm saying is, it's one of those ones where you just, you know, as you say, Ben, you can't, you can't judge art. You can't judge it on AM, on an up-down measuring stick mechanism. Can you like an alphabetic measuring system or a percentage system?

It's a joke, frankly. My level. How would you score A level art then? Would it just be with an adjective or something? No, I think it's, well, I actually think it's either you either win the Turner Prize or you don't. That's it. So generally it would be no, no, no, no, no, no.

And then once in a generation someone will win the Turner Prize. What if someone's pumping out kind of sort of acceptable watercolours of Cornish sort of seaside scenes that you could sell for about 70 pounds in Cornish? Which I would call real art. That's what I'm getting at, Mike. Yeah. Well, Mike, as we know, Mike, Mike thinks that Tate Modern is a fucking joke. It's a perfectly good...

Oh, no. I think it would be a perfectly serviceable car park. He's a Philistine. Mike thinks it would be a perfectly good car park and it's well positioned to serve people visiting the London Eye and the London Aquarium can genuinely impressive acts of human ingenuity. One... And to be honest, I think we should turn it back into a power station. I see nothing wrong with coal smoke billowing out across the centre of London.

It's a perfectly serviceable power station. Well, think about the aquarium. We've got fish living in land. They're not even in the river. The rivers are out there. They're not even using the river. They're in the water, but they're in land. It's extraordinary.

It's an engineering miracle. And that's the real art, isn't it, Mike? It's municipal. It's town planning and it's civil engineering, isn't it? That's the real art, bridges, car parks. Sometimes you can even go under the fish tanks so you can see a raised face. Unbelievable. When it comes to visual art, then, what Mike likes is a piece of driftwood with the words

five o'clock somewhere written on it. No, like to a kitchen wall. I think, Mike, for me, Mike, for you, the true Tate Modern, people that are pushing creativity, that are pushing what the human eye can perceive and what the human mind can create, is people who are making new ranges of vape juice. That's the bleeding head. Like an apple crumble that you can breathe. These are the da Vinci's of our time.

It's the vape people and it's also people that run small seaside galleries selling unobtrusive watercolours with recognisable scenes. Yeah. It's not kind of fishing vessel you're dealing with. You know, how many boats there are? You can see there's six boats. There's six boats in this painting. You look at a Monet.

You don't even know if there are any boats, let alone how many there are half the time. Sometimes it's thousands of tiny boats. Yeah, well, that's what you think Surat is, isn't it? It's puntillism. Some of the pixels are. Just millions and millions of tiny boats. But yeah, art should be of a boat, shouldn't it? Mike's got a panicked look in his eyes.

This is a bean emergency. Please try to remain calm. At this point, for some reason, Mike's laptop just went wrong. He had to go and fix that. It took about half an hour. Very stressful, as you can imagine. But then we got it back together. Try to remain calm.

Yes. Sorry. So there was a catastrophe. My computer, essentially, ancient laptop, died yesterday and had to replace it. I think I accidentally made the new one, download the contents of all laptops within a 50 mile radius. Yeah. So as soon as we started doing anything on it,

it said that it was too tired now and couldn't. Full Devon, isn't it? We've got all of Devon's on this laptop. And there's some nasty stuff, let me tell you. One of the problems is that about 75% of people in Devon, they say their password, or their wife's password is Devon1. Oh, right.

Okay. Well, that's my password for everything. That's even my pin number. That's even my pin number, isn't it? Yeah. So what happens is computers are able to scoop. It did come up with Enable Megascoop question mark. And I clicked yes on that because I didn't.

That's what I like to say. Yes, it seems rude to... Well, you try to be positive, don't you? You want to be accommodating, I think. Especially around computers. Well, it's new in the house. Obviously, you don't really want to feel at home. Yeah.

And I just want to... Of course, you absolutely go for it. Yeah. It's Devon Hospitality, isn't it? It's Devon Hospitality. It's Devon... I've already poured a litre of cream into all the holes. I've taken it surfing.

Yeah. I've taken it for a brace and walk through some Dartmoor bogs. Yeah. I can see in the background, you're cooking it a pot of fungus. I'm cooking the pot of fungus on it. We tend to have to brunch. The old Devon way down here. I took it...

We have what's called tar computers as well here every April, where crowds will assemble in a village. Will assemble in a village and set a fire to a laptop. Throw it from person to person. And then roll it down and he'll chase it. So, we've done all that. Well, that commemorates the first time a laptop came over the border for a goal set, isn't it?

That's right. Back in 2005. And Hera was traces. Yeah. Yeah. Michael, I think we're hearing you through your laptop. Oh, my phone. No.

Hang on. Rather than... Oh, for God's sake. Oh, dear. Yeah, that'll be the... Yeah, that'll be the... Mike, do you want to just move? Can you just move the pot of fungus off the computer while you sort?

Do you mind just while you sort this out? Because I think it's pushing down on your space bar. Because it's nearly... Here we go. Is that a bit better? Yeah. That's better. Okay.

So, you can hear me through now. Yeah. So, on the Zoom, we can hear your... Well, it says that you're actually speaking through the fungus. It's got a nice rich kind of fungal echo. It sweetens the mid-range. It does. Okay.

So, I don't know what I'm recording into necessarily, but... Could be that it's the cloud, Ben? All groups of people have within them, you know, the person who's best at IT, don't they? And every group, every combination of people kind of knows who that is. Yes. So, when we configure the three of us, Ben becomes essentially... A sort of God, really. Yeah.

He's the Elon... He's the Elon Partridge. I was gonna... I was actually gonna say more like the kind of slightly geeky person in the Apple store who comes out and... And when there are things you look at them, you go... And you're not sure if they're cool or not. Do you wanna go out?

You go, hang on. Is this what cool is now? But Ben Partridge will come out with a clipboard. And you'll look at him and you'll think, I can't be cool. But maybe he is... Is that guy to roll his eyeballs? Yeah. As soon as he's done that, I know he's in command.

Or she is in command of the situation. And I'm gonna be okay. I'm gonna save a pair of hands. Yeah. Every group also has its chief Luddite, which so far through Beans has... I think has been you. Yeah. What?

Fuck off. Are you talking to me? Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. It was mostly in the podcast realm. I think me and you battle it out for who's best at tech and... I think, Henry, if you have been bad stuff out, you've been at the bottom of the melee

for the past year. Try to fight My way up through the melee to get back on top of it. Are you finally able to get a good purchase I mean none musterals. And you've pulled me down into the mud with me. and I'm now at the bottom. But Ben is sort of alive the next morning Picking his way to the battlefield. I'm, I'm the sort of a hooker like selling commemorative pins on the side. side of the battlefield. Remember this day, the Pope will be vanquished.

And I think both Mike and I are both lying there. We've both got a raven each pecking away at us, you know, pecking away at our eyeballs. We're both grunting, though. It's that point the next day on the battlefield, which one of us is grunting enough, Ben, for you to think they're worth getting on a cart, wheeling down to the village and finishing off and finishing off with a sacred rock. And which one do you just leave for the ravens and crows?

For the ravens and crows and words. Okay, so this week's topic as sent in by Jerome from Indiana. Is tusks. Well, I've seen I I can tell you what a tusk is. A tusk is a unyielding whisker. It's an angry whisker, isn't it? Well, it's what Mike, you could end up, couldn't you? You could end up with a tusk.

Do you say what tusks you start with whiskers and you end up with tusks? I think so. Well, they're compressed hair, aren't they? That's what tusks actually made of. Who's doing the compressing? Well, time. Time and sort of anger. And is that the same as horns? So as a rhino, just something that had a very long sole patch that over time got?

It's sort of like the yang to a ponytail's ying. Isn't it a tusk? It's sort of angry, angry focused ponytail on the front of your head. Rather than a floppy one on the back. It's very rare that someone has both tusks and a ponytail. Apart from... Very hot to laugh. Do you remember Bebop and Rocksteady?

Krang's henchmen from the Turtles? No. So they, I think one of those was a warthog he may have had a ponytail. Was this in the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles? Yeah. Who was specifically the Hero Turtles here, weren't they? Because they weren't allowed to be called Ninja Turtles in the UK. Yes.

Well, why was that? Because Ninjas were deemed to be too violent. I think in America, they were allowed to be called Ninja Turtles, but here Ninjas were still feared even in the 1990s. Well, if you ask me, the most dangerous thing about them is that they were Teenagers. I know which I'd rather come across than a Dark Annie between a Ninja and some Teenagers. Honestly, the way they wear their shells these days is not... See, half their arse, can't you?

See, yeah. See, half their wrinkly turtle arse hanging out. Favorite tusked animal? Walrus. What else is there? Elephant. Warress. Narwhal.

Oh, yeah. Warthog, you mentioned. Is that a tusk on a narwhal, or is it a horn? I think it's a tusk. A tusk comes out of your gob, doesn't it? That's the thing about a tusk. Oh, it's a tusk, a big tooth. I think so.

As it's not compressed hair. I do think it's a compressed hair. Unless you're growing a lock of hair out of your gob, and then that's getting compressed. Michael, from Wikipedia. Yes, please. The narwhal. Yes. Also known as a narwhal.

Oh, narwhal. Okay, yeah. Is a medium-sized toothed whale that possesses a large tusk. Oh, it is a tusk. From protruding canine tooth. Well, well. Is that one where it's just like one? It looks like a kind of DIY tool, kind of thing.

It's just one really pointy, straight spear kind of thing coming out of his head. Yeah, it's like a unicorn. It's like a unicorn dolphin. Oh, unicorn. That's a good. So the unicorn, that, of course, is a tusked horse, isn't it? It's a horned horse. It's a horn just coming out of his mouth, is it?

Typically the unicorn, I mean, you'd be quite disturbing unicorn. I think you'd be very disappointed if you finally met a unicorn and actually the horn was dangling out of its gob. That's more like a sort of saber-toothed horse. That's a horrifying idea. It's certainly not going to go on any sort of kids' rucksacks, is it? I don't think so. My darling princess, happy birthday.

It's a full-sized saber-toothed horse. I don't see a lot of tusks in houses these days. That's kind of decorative artifacts. You just play tusks? I didn't think I've seen a tusk in a house for a very long time. I was just childhood. There was a house I used to visit occasionally. There were definitely a couple of tusks.

And there was an elephant's leg that had been adapted to be a container for umbrellas. Oh, that's heinous. Disturbing. But, you know, decent, like, how many umbrellas are you getting in there? Like, how many umbrellas are you getting in there? Oh, six or seven was perfect, basically, for the family and a couple of spares. Also, it is annoying when you come home and it's like, where do I put this thing? It's kind of wet to put it in the bath.

Do I put it in the to put it in the hall? It's a bit wet. I mean, and you do think to yourself, didn't you, if only I could have the whole leg of a massive mammal, of probably one of the Earth's most noble and impressive mammals. Could we save it going in the bath? That's absolutely hideous, isn't it? But it's the kind of thing where if you've already got one, right? You might as well get the full set, get all four.

That's the real status symbol. One needed it from four different elephants. Chop off a leg and discard the rest. The point I'm trying to make is if you have got an elephant leg, umbrella, holder, at this stage, given that the elephant is dead and it's been turned into an umbrella holder, morally speaking and ethically speaking, is it better to continue to use it as an umbrella stand

or to get rid of it? You assume it's dead. It might just be a sort of peg leg elephant. That's true. I think we should be looking at reuniting it with, we should be looking at reuniting those legs with their original owners where possible. I think they should probably get at least one free umbrella

in the deal as well. Because I had a similar thing with, when my grandmother died, we went to all those... Really? How similar was... I'm not entertaining this idea at all. What did she have? She had lots of fur coats or two or three fur coats. Oh yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That she had bought in 1950 or something. Yeah. And they're really good. Like, they're nice. But you'd never see anyone wearing them around. These days, because obviously we've got, there's an ethical problem with fur,

which is fair enough, but they're already dead, right? Isn't that a bit like saying, yeah, okay, I've got loads of gold ingots in my garden and the bank down the road's got a big hole in the back and all the gold ingots have gone. But I mean, they're already stolen. I think it's quite the same. But I think the problem is, Ben,

if you were to start walking through the streets of Cardiff, cutting quite the dash in a mint coat, all of a sudden everyone's going to want to get a piece. True. And ermines across the world are in a great deal of trouble. I see, so I'm popularizing the look. Exactly. You're validating it.

I once got on the Tube a few years ago and a person who was obviously from the Arctic regions got on and the reason I knew they were from the Arctic regions was that they were like head to toe in like the reindeer pelts. And like a huge hat made out of what looked like some kind of Arctic. Sort of snow leopard. Yeah, she looked fantastic, but it really did look like a crime had happened

or several environmental crimes had taken place to create this look. There is something about pelts, but I think pelts just aren't acceptable now. I tell you what happened to me that was annoying. I have for a long time been on the quest for the perfect washable waterproof pelt. Well, the ethically sort of spotless pelt. Can you de-pelt something?

And actually we're doing it a favor. Exactly. Or can you just take off the top layer of leading off pelt behind? Like wool. There you go. Sorry, my quest has just ended. I've been looking for wool. Thanks for that.

Sometimes it takes half a lifetime to realize actually you've just been looking for wool. I think I get a bit baffled about how that all starts is. Like who decided a tusk would be a potentially quite nice item to chop off into bits and polish up and sell. I know it's heinous. Who had the idea? I think the answer to that is generally British people.

Victorian. Victorian Brit. Yeah. Most people look at a tusk. Most people look at an elephant and go, that's a really noble, amazing beast. But Victorian British people look at it and go, I can make a fucking good spoon out of that.

There's also the Fleetwood Mac album tusk. So there is. Tell me that you love me. Is that the song, Tusk? It's kind of quite... It's got like a marching band in it, isn't it? Really weird song. Lyrically, very, very weird to read.

On the page, it doesn't sort of jump out of you as great songs as the word tusk. I think tusk is one of those albums where because they'd had a big hit with probably dreams, I guess. Is that what it's called? Dreams? Which is like the biggest album of all time. Right. They then spent something like $15 million

making tusk and it took them five years. I'd love to get into that situation. I don't think it happens anymore where huge bands just get given a blank check and they spend five years torturing themselves, making a medium good album. Yeah. I'd love to get into that loop, though.

You'd go totally mad. Is it Guns N' Roses spent like 15 years making an album called Chinese Democracy? Oh, yeah. Yeah. That album will often have a completely, completely incomprehensibly weird name like that. That name has been so committed

to end up coming out with... They've talked about that, what to name the album for so long, haven't they? Slash. It's the only words that they've got left that haven't been vetoed. It's Chinese and democracy.

During their daily veto sessions. They've got reams and reams of paper with words scored through. So basically, Slash like, okay, we've got two options there. We've got democracy, Chinese, or we've got Chinese democracy. I think in this situation,

in that situation, they did make what felt like the better choice. We were trying to name this podcast, and we went back and forth through different things. We did, didn't we? And then you just go, okay, what about this then?

Everyone goes, yeah, fine. That's what would have happened. That's what happened when three of you have been telling us, is what would have happened with Chinese democracy. They would have gone through all sorts of things.

And then someone would have just gone, so we just call it, I don't know, Chinese Democracy? And they go, yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah. But let's not forget how close we were to being called owl fuckers. With a Z.

Fuckers. Owl fuckers with a Z. I've made the art. I've got, I could put it on Patreon. I made all the jingles. You made the jingles. You made the podcast, didn't you, and then Henry as well?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all there. I made the podcast. It's one of our big competitors, isn't it, Owl fuckers? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's actually, I'm going to be shooting off

after this, actually, to... Do a live show in the O2. Do a live show in the O2, yeah. How are the other two owl fuckers? I can't believe you dumped me and Mike. I know, sorry. What are they called? There's Bad Boy Tony and

and Pellet, isn't it? That's right. Bad Boy Tony and Pellet. Well, that's their nickname. Obviously, everyone names are obviously Aimen Holmes and Gaby Roslyn. But, yeah, so I'm sure it'll be around about now that Aimen Holmes will be

getting into the, into his Pellet costume. And we have a huge sort of owl's anus, you know, or the back end of an owl. There's no way of dressing up. And we have to shoot him or Gaby Roslyn then mounts Aimen

into a giant crossbow. She then reads out a sponsored message from Mercedes-Benz. That's right. And it's... I'm actually doing it tonight. It's Mercedes-Benz luxury quality dependability.

And when I say dependability, she shoots the... shoots Aimen out. And if he lands in the owl's anus... Oh, he's not coming out of the owl's anus? No, not anymore. She's being fired into the owl's anus.

It's... The Pellet fraternus. That's the trouble, isn't it? It's all those half-red Wikipedia pages. It seems counter-intuitive. I realise that, Mike. But basically, we have... We have to think about our listeners

and, you know, no offence. We have quite a few more listeners than we do for this. Can I just say, Henry, do they not cough them up? Well, here's the thing. Am I wrong? No, I think you're exactly right. I think that's the whole point.

We have our audience to think about. We have our sponsors to talk about, OK? Those are our big... We have to... All our creative decisions have to work... We call it triangulation. We have to triangulate. And if the guy's at Mercedes,

precision engineer an owl's anus for you. Yeah. You've got to use it. Exactly. But... Amon Holmes emerging from an owl's anus, even if it's a giant one, and even if it's a brilliantly engineered one

using German designs, German engineering, Amon Holmes emerging from an owl's anus and falling into a... Into a... Well, a vat of Ben and Jerry's are other sponsors. It's basically not good enough. It's not impressive enough as a feat.

Because we're talking about why were the early live shows not working? We sat down with Mercedes. And they were saying, it's basically too easy, isn't it? Because anyone... Everyone can fall out of an owl's anus. That's literally what the head of Mercedes said.

And... So we got the boffins together. We had a big think about it. That's the kind of thing that Audi would do. Just fall out of an anus. This is Mercedes. It's so painfully Volkswagen. So we threw some ideas around

and we decided that when it reversed it, the thinking being that a car can work both ways, yes? It can drive into a garage and it can reverse out of a garage. Think of the garage as the out anus. And think of the Mercedes as Eamonn Hermann's in appellate outfit. Got it.

And it just clicked into gear. Yes, we got the concept. Eamonn Hermann was high-fiving Gabby Roslin. We were like, yes, we can do this. And we... That flight back to London from Germany, the three of us, I'll never forget. You were hammered, weren't you?

We were fucking hammered. We were fucking hammered. Eamonn Holmes had his notebook out. He was so... He was like a kid. He was drawing pictures of himself in arrows and pointing to an owl's ass that he'd drawn showing it to an owl's ass.

Well, he got an A-level art, I think, didn't he? So he's probably able to pull that off. Yeah, you can't... You're not going to undermine owl fuckers, Mike. They're solid, so don't try and say... I know you're trying to say discontent amongst us. Anyway, he was showing pictures of the owl's ass to kids and stuff on the plane.

It was absolutely brilliant. We both... We all got... We got shot by an air marshal, didn't we? He got shot by an air marshal. Well, he was on board. He tazered him in the mouth, which is something I hadn't seen before.

Tazered him right into his gob. So it was fantastic. Eamonn Holmes was laid out. There's a layman out in the aisle. Gabby Roslin just... She'd fallen asleep. She was so fucking hammered. She was sleeping poor Ronesick.

And I watched the second half of Marley and me. It was quite a flight. OK, time to read your emails. Now, first of all, we had a number of emails about the same topic. And some of them take the form of a bollocking. Right. But not all.

So we can choose really whether we want to frame it as the bollocking of the week. Well, um... Yes. Accessing listener bollocking. Bollocking loading. Listen, my bollocking of the week.

Bollocking loaded. I think I can guess what this might be. Really? Hang on. I think I've got a guess as well of what it is. Yeah. I think it's... Should we say at the same time?

Yeah. Three, two, one. Dog chocolate calculates this. Mike's a dickhead. Sorry, what? Mike consistently being the weak link we need to cut him go... For what?

Lose Mike, lose Mike. Henry, if you want to keep working with Mercedes, you have to cut off all ties to this putrid force. How the fuck is your future? Look, look, Henry, it's not called making love to ours, is it? No, it's called our fuckers, because that's what we are.

We go in hard and we do the job. Your Gabby Roslin is superb. Thank you very much. Well, I've worked with her so closely. I guess it's time, isn't it? Yeah. Henry, I told you soy milk. I said soy milk, Henry, you fucking dipshit.

So, we had lots of females on this topic. Lactose intolerant. I'm intolerant to dickheads. Sorry. Tom writes, but this is one of many. And thank you to everyone who's gone into touch about this. Dear beings, I'm sat in the car with my wife listening to your mountains episode,

in which, at about 16 minutes in, Mike explains he fed Pam nearly an entire quarter of a curly whirly and then had the balls to say that the chocolate calculator the vets used was poppycock made up. Well, my wife, Brackett sat next to me, is a veterinary nurse and is shouting at you, Mike, saying that the dog chocolate calculator is in fact real.

It measures the amount of theobromine within various types of chocolates, along with the chocolate quantity, and tells you how much you should worry and how guilty to feel. I won't say too much, but we both live in Exeter, and this could well have been one of the vet surgeries that my wife works at.

Holy moly. I might have met this person. I mean, to say that this is the topic that has set the email bag on fire would be an understatement. We've had an email from a vet, American. Twitter was going crazy with it, wasn't it? Over the last week.

I thought it might because I got texted by a mutual friend of ours who is not a vet, who had gone to the trouble of looking it up and letting me know that it was the real deal. Everyone's got a stance on it. Josh Rogan's got a stance on it. Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan's got a stance on it.

All of the maiden Chelsea people have got a stance on it. Michelle Obama, isn't it? Everyone. They've all weighed in. They've all weighed in. We have someone else who is a veterinary nurse saying that, yes, the chocolate toxicity calculator exists.

Then she says, this is from Dana, although there are plenty of times we fluff the truth in order to calm owners. In this case, no lie was told. But she doesn't tell us what. Little untruths are told. Yes, a tortoise is supposed to scream. A pigeon flying backwards is not necessarily

a harbinger of bad news. Yes, stick insects very often spell out the words SOS with little pebbles on the inside of their tank. It's just an evolutionary thing. From the emails, it seems as if basically all of our listeners are vets. We've somehow managed to quarter the market.

Who've been leaning on this piece of kit quite heavily throughout their careers and are disgusted that I thought it might not be real. Key and emails. Upon hearing Mike's mildly inaccurate assumption, I was so shocked I dropped the loaded barbell I was pressing over my face, shattering all my teeth and partly caving in my skull.

The true price of ignorance. Well, I'm sorry to have been such a nuisance to have caused so much anguish and ire and shouting and dropping of barbells. But I can accept it. James, as another vet, there's more. I can't read them all because there's so many, but this is another one.

As a practising small animal vet, I'm constantly harangued by pet owners ringing me to discuss what toxic, spiky or putrid item their dog has recently enthusiastically snaffled. The range of things which dogs will attempt to consume continues to blow my mind. Batteries, used sanitary pads and sex toys are not uncommon items to find in canine vomit

or in their stomachs during surgery. It's nice, isn't it? Well, can I link this to something else we talked about last week, which I actually wanted to bring up myself? Whoa. Hang on. What?

A participant bollocking of the week. Well, the way I'm seeing it, this is a bollocking for you for all, isn't it? Let's face it. We've got so many bollockings here lined up for Mike. The way to picture it is, it's like one of those 1980s executive toys, isn't it, with all the little metal balls in a row?

There's loads and loads of bollocks in a row, isn't it? But all bollocking Mike. And Mike's in the middle of an infinite office toy. Exactly, it's an infinite office toy. All the bollocks are lined up, but we can't read all of them, so we just read out one at the end. That sort of bangs through the bollocks

and all the bollock energy reverberates through all the bollockings, and the other bollock comes up and smashes in the face. I wanted to say something I brought up last week that I wanted to qualify, which was about Bluebell's political leanings. Okay. You mentioned that...

I remember her saying that... or you saying that her primary aim was that Britain and America should have a strong special relationship. Are you just trying to cram in another Bluebell jingle? No, it exists. I think up the score on the Bluebell jingle. All right, then. I think every time we use it,

also we should add an extra verse, because it's longer and longer each time it goes. All right, then play the bloody jingle. Bluebell, Bluebell Soft and gentle and wise and kind Bluebell, Bluebell Sturdy paws and silky thighs Bluebell

There she flies Like a furry star Classic and stylish Like a vintage car You're gonna go far Bluebell, Bluebell Take me away on a magical trip Bluebell, Bluebell

To the milky way on your furry spaceship Bluebell I was gonna say, Bluebell, you know, she's not politically aligned. She doesn't have a political alignment. But broadly, she is big state. No, sorry, small state. Broadly, she is small state as our cats.

Dogs, I think we can generally agree, are generally more favored, more of an interventionist state. And I think that's like the reason I bring it up is just because I think about dogs eating batteries and stuff. You know what I mean? That is a big state. That's a nanny state thing to do, isn't it?

Well, because you only do that knowing that there's a safety net. Someone to pull out of your ass again. And that's why you don't get cats eating batteries and doing that kind of nonsense. It explains why in the UK, where we have the NHS, so many of us are eating batteries off the street and sex toys. Well, sometimes the batteries would have

fished out of our ass at the end of the day. Sometimes the battery would have fallen out of the same sex toy that you're eating. You can eat the operation twice, just because you can. You think I've eaten the Vibra dildo? What's a couple of triple A's now? Tommy Mills, Dear Beans, this is not a criticism or a bollocking,

merely perhaps a point of interest. I'm not... Me think that you may not protest too much, about it being a bollocker-thest. On this week's episode, he's talking about the week before last episode, you spend just under 13 minutes speaking tenuously at best about mountains.

For comparison, you spend approximately 12 minutes on Ben's toaster, 7.5 minutes on the consumption of chocolate by dogs and 5 minutes on cuddling. If you're going to continue to invest heavily in the bee machine, e.g. new ebony hand cranks, then perhaps you should consider giving its topics the deference they deserve, Tom.

Golly, that did sound like a bollocking. That sounded like a bollocking with a backup audit to me. I tell you what I would do, in this situation, I think we can all feel quite smart and say, maybe just on whatever app you're using, rewind it a little bit and have another re-listen to a good 30 to 40 minutes of solid content on tasks.

I was about to say, I mean, obviously this hasn't been edited yet as well, I think, didn't we? But I don't feel like he's going to get what he wants out of this episode, potentially. We have talked about retrofitting, haven't we? We've talked about this, which is we just have the conversation. Getting some kind of more talented people to do the... Yeah, to re-record the whole thing.

Re-record the whole thing. There's a few different ways around this. The other option, of course, is to do the chat, then go back and sort of airbrush history and essentially record the bee machine. Well, we'd have to then look through emails to find a topic that aligns more closely to what we actually talked about and put that in afterwards.

I mean, this is a bit of a pompadou. I think what happens is we get tired as it goes along. So if I'm going to actually get to the topic, we're quite tired. That's true. We tend to get tired after about 15 minutes. 15 to 20, yeah. We can go through the emails. We'll find an email that says,

can you talk about Amon Holmes being a pellet and fired up a large owl's ass and can Gabby Rosen be involved? I think that was discussed in the context of Tusk somehow. Listen, the reality is that... I mean, we do cover the topics comprehensively. Mountains, for example. I mean, I spoke solidly for a good two and a half hours

about mountains, but it was so boring that it had to be deleted immediately. It would have been dangerous. People driving cars would be plowing into trees It was so boring, Mike, that at one point I actually thought that I was actually lost up the Matterhorn and was hallucinating. But it was just me droning on about mountains.

It was just you talking about mountains. So just be careful what you wish for is what I'm saying. Oh, I see, yeah. Yeah, if we gave you the raw and cut version of this, oh, my God, you wouldn't be able to handle it. Ruby emails. Hello. I started listening to your podcast a few weeks ago

and had all but given up on telling anyone apart until I did some real soul searching and came up with this simple three-step heuristic that works wonders for my discerning ability. Ruby, by the way, is from Sydney, Australia. Okay. It seems people from outside of Britain do have... I thought this had gone away as a problem

because no one's mentioned it for a while. Well, so I think it's often an early, early listener problem, isn't it? Okay, yes. And they get used to it after a while. Well, this is what she's come up with. One, at any point, assume it is Henry talking. Okay. So this is the kind of...

It's like a sort of... Is this going to be a kind of three-step process where you... Okay, let's take us through the process. Brackets. This is usually true as he's almost always talking. An extra piece of evidence is if the voice sounds slightly panicked, it's definitely Henry. What?

Okay. Can I tell you what? I might be panicking on the outside, but I might have the sort of vocal and facial energy of the legs of a swan get pumping away. He's doing it now. It's a perfect case in point. But on the inside, I am gliding across that lake in a regal way.

Two. If at some point a more grumbly slash gravelly voice interjects, brackets, this will be pretty rare, as again, Henry is almost always talking. It's safe to assume this is Mike. I know. I like that. Grumbly gravelly, I'll take it.

Three. If at some point a voice comes in, which makes you feel overwhelmingly calm, as though you're standing in a field watching the sunset, this is almost certainly Ben. That's nice. You have the same effect on my nephew, Ben. I don't know if I've ever told you that.

I've not heard this. Can I hear it, please? I've heard from one or two others as well that Ben's voice is extremely soothing, and I think it's likely to be the main ingredient when people are using us as a sleep aid. You know, between your soothing and me being quite boring, I think that's probably,

they probably have an algorithm where they just chop Henry out entirely, and it's the perfect sleep aid. Well, what does your nephew think of my voice? So anyway, what else does she say really? Look, okay, I think I can be quite relaxing as well, by the way. Go on.

Okay. Well, you've got advertising voice, right? So you can go... I can switch it on and off like that. As Aiman Holmes approaches the anus, so a Mercedes A-Class silently glides towards your destination. I mean, I just, you name the product,

I've got the voice for it. Wheat. Husks, chaff, grains. Put them all together, and what have you got? You've got the wheat family, and we welcome you this year at WheatCon San Diego 2022,

the most ambitious WheatCon since WheatCon 1987 in San Francisco. And the great fire of WheatCon 1999, too. Since the overambitious WheatCon in 1992, which resulted in the biggest single wheat fire in the world of history. Yeah, I can do that. I can do financial things like...

First blame. Hear it. Hear it, Scott Bank. We don't just look after your money. We look after it. We look after your future. Oh, God. You know, they always put a Scottish accent

for trustworthy for financial things. It's like a trustworthy voice. They do, yeah. And they always try and get you emotionally, so it'll be like... Hi. Imagine your children. Imagine them living their lives,

growing up and becoming gradually distant from you. Don't lie that idea, do you? No. Well then, imagine if your children were always followed around by a horse. A trustworthy horse. Your horse. A horse that, certainly, you had access to,

that could report things back to you. That you were given free when you opened the current account with our bank. That is the guarantee we make to you at Horse Bank. Why walk when you can gallop? Financial speaking. I think you've underscored Ruby's, at least some of Ruby's points.

I think so, yeah. Ben, you do have a soothing voice, though. That is true, and I've noticed... That's one of my favourites we've ever had, by the way. Ben, you do have a soothing voice, Ben. I think it's a Welsh thing, partly. I think it's happening... It's becoming more accentuated

since you've moved back to Wales, I believe that. There's a kind of lulling, the lulling, lulling Welsh. You think of the Welsh hills, the smoothness of the hills. The sheep, you know. Cut all that. Right, let's move on. I'm not going to cut all that, because I'm keeping it just to prove Ruby's completely right.

Cut all that, because I was talking about Wales when I reached for sheep as my second sort of thing. Yeah, that didn't go unnoticed. Here I am from recording in Cardiff's capital with its thriving text. Shall we do a second bollocking? Do we finish off? I think so, yeah.

I'm all softened up. This is from Benjamin. Gentlemen, imagine my surprise and disgust to find the usual jovial middle-aged banter suddenly broad-sided and derailed by frankly hideous bigotry and blatant racism. Uh-oh.

Yeah. Mike. The Welsh cake isn't bread, and they certainly aren't baked. Now, can I say, when Henry said at the time that a Welsh cake was a type of bread, I bit my tongue. You knew he was digging a hole,

and you wanted to see his downfall. I knew this was the beginning of it. He then says, it's closest relative if we are being generous. Is the lackluster crumbly dry scone? Is scone a bread? Something for you to wrestle with there, Henry. Oh, yeah.

The recess. I think that's something I'll have to think about over the next month. So you're saying a Welsh cake isn't bread. Is he saying it's cake? It's not bread. Well, it's not baked. It's made on a sort of griddle thing.

That's probably fair enough. The main point I was making was through with raisins, to be honest. So I don't know if he's actually misused. He seems to have sort of not really focused on what I was actually talking about. Whether something's in an oven or out of an oven, it's being heated up.

It's made... Is he not just talking any old shit, are you, Henry? No. You've got a point. And who's to say what's bread... I mean, they're all roughly the same, aren't they? Cakes, bread, scones, croissants. It's...

Meat. It's a mixture of eggs, water, deadables, aren't they? It's a mixture of egg water and flour, isn't it? So it's all just molecules in the end, isn't it? Exactly. It's all organic. Yeah, like anything is like plastic or asbestos. Yeah.

Or the moon. And finally, Matt's getting in contact. This came in just moments ago, but I want to read it out. Okay. Because remember last week we talked about whether the lights in a warehouse go... Chunk!

Chunk! Yeah, yeah. Matt writes, Well, well. So your theory is confirmed, Ben? My theory is confirmed. Very good. Thank you.

What a good note to end on. That's a lovely positive note to end on. Mike and Henry both bollocked and me right. Yeah, I accepted mine. Henry didn't officially declare whether he accepted it or denied, but it sounded like a classic denial side swipe from Henry, I'd say.

Dodge. It was a bit of a dodge, wasn't it? Well, thanks everybody. Thank you. Thanks for listening to another series of three bean salad. We should also say thanks to our our patron types.

Huge thanks. For their support. Thank you very much. Yes, absolutely. And of course some of those have signed up at the Sean Bean tier. Indeed. Gets them access to the Sean Bean lounge

where you were last night, Mike. Yes. And for a spectacular angling competition to round off the season. Wow. Yeah. And here's the report. Last night, after four years of

excavation and irrigation work, the brand new Sean Bean hunting pond was finally opened in style by staging the ceremonial Sean Bean anglers cup. Neil Drake showed his intention to lure deep prey by turning up and waiting so long he needed to wear stilts in them.

Dr. D aimed even deeper, however, and launched a mini-sub with giant squid grapplers, ably piloted by Stephanie Yao. Sadly, crew member Paul Dormund left the periscope up pre-launch, snagging Ellie Schultz die in a best in the Ulster department by the

treble hooks and dragging them to bean flattening depths. Paul Inar cleverly deployed Chris Westin as a bobber and could have bagged an Emperor Pomfret had not Jenny King's blind cast thrown her boilies into Ben Davidson's electric smolt.

Ethan Anderson forgot his butt pad and was inconsolable. Charlie S was locked in a carp sack by Vicki Grigrich and Cath's paws accidentally trot-lined Rick O'Connor fully chomping him. Having been distributed between three buckets, Rick was shared

between Susie Nightingale, Jim Rebans and Josh Turner, all of whom caught out of season stevedores. Partap Davis and Toilet MacMahon were disqualified for trawling, as was Simon Boak for exceeding his Creel limit, and Laura Ball and Lizzie Pollott for dynamiting

Sean Bean's personal haddock. Liz had an epiphany in the belly of a blue whale and decided to take up glassblowing, and Maximilian Longman thought he'd found a beached merblok, only to discover it was Zachary Smith, who'd been incapacitated with coral nets and

fish scales by Eamon Eustace. Keep those lines tight and thanks one and all. OK, time to work out which version of our theme tune will play us out. Carl emails. He says, hi, Beans, I hope to add to your copyright woes with the

attached Bean Requiem. It would be the perfect accompaniment to one of your feelings. Or perhaps that's just the end of a season. Thank you, Carl. Thanks, Carl.

And thanks, everybody. Bye. Bye.