Three Bean Salad - TV Crime Shows

Episode Date: April 5, 2023

Neil (presumably of Bremen) offers up the topic of TV crime shows. At least one of the beans is like a pig in the proverbial with such a fearsomely strong topic but nevertheless the beans do make time to touch upon French impressionism, infini-hills and aquatic apex predators. Also contains hot new intel on a drop-dead decent storage solution.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladGet in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

Have you got a new cable, Mike? No, I've ordered it. It should arrive today, too late for today's recording. Okay, fine. But the listeners next week can look forward to creamy, creamy sounds. Creamy, creamy, creamy, Mike. I've gone for the triple cream cables. The triple cream. And it means that you can, for the first time, extend your microphone. This is using cutting edge technology halfway into the moustache.

So you'll be broadcasting from within, when some of the sound waves will be coming from actually from within the moustache. Within the canopy. Within the canopy. That would be lovely, because at the moment, I'm mostly using that canopy. That hair canopy is a kind of pop shield, is the idea. Yeah, it's currently working as a pop shield, isn't it? And crumb barrier.

Crumb barrier. And in moth net. Yeah, it's got so many purposes, hasn't it? The natural moustache is one of nature's wonders. It's got a selection of novellas. I can find my novellas in there as well. CDs, obviously, not relevant anymore, but used to slip into it. Yeah, it was the absolutely perfect CD rack.

It was a horizontal CD rack, wasn't it? Which meant they did fall straight out, but... But, you know, just get it on the sound deck, do you know what I mean? If you ever go to a provincial B&B and they've, for some reason, lost the toast rack, you can just prostrate yourself on the table. I often get a discount, if I do that. Yeah, and a lot of B&Bs still have the Wozniak's cranium-shaped indentation in the middle of the table.

Yes, the only trouble is when they knew you, then sometimes they want you to lie down on the table the night before because they like to get it all set the night before and they want to put out the egg cups and they want to put out the butter so it's not too hard in the morning and... Yeah, and they're very... It has to be said, they can be very strict and there's elderly couples that run B&Bs,

could actually be quite cruel with you, couldn't they? Absolutely, nasty pieces of work, yeah. Really? For the most part they are, aren't they? But I know to say no if they ask if they can use my belly button as a marmalade container. I know that. Yeah.

It doesn't work. No one's happy. It's too big, isn't it? It's too big. It's way too big. Even if you've got eight to ten guests, no one's getting through all that marmalade, no way. Most people, the general belief is that belly buttons,

it's something that most of us discover as children don't have a hole in the bottom that links through into your internal organs. But that's actually not true with Mike because you've got a very large belly button, but it also says that marmalade was sort of vortexing, wasn't it? Downwards, dripping very slowly. I think it's a complex sort of cave system, yeah. I've got a sort of abdominal mendips is what it's been pulled.

That's right. That's right. Because it's made of limestone, isn't it? It's mostly limestone. It has been eroded. But also, that marmalade that has dripped through has formed really, really quite fascinating. It's encrusted into really quite fabulous formations, hasn't it?

They're almost like frescoes, in a way. They are. Henry's about to say either Stalagmites or Stalagtypes, but I could see him pull out of it. You know what, Stalagmites, obviously we do love them. Stalagtypes and Stalagmites is one that I've got a very good one for. Okay, here we go.

Which is Stalagtypes. Imagine a pair of Types, which you might buy from Boots, or all the way up to Top End. Especially it's online retailer. Online retailers. Yeah, with the full rate, but just picture on any pair of Types you want.

Got it. Miner over the face of a bank robber. Does that complicate the picture? How many of the legs is his head in? Both. It's kind of in the seat, I guess. He's in the seat. Oh, right, that's nice.

So he's using the legs as a kind of pair of little bunny ears. Right. Yes. Just to soften, otherwise it's too intimidating, isn't it? Yeah. It's like a terrifying gun-wielding huge rabbit. Okay. So it's not two bank robbers,

one in each leg, the workers are very tightly as a unit. No. Okay. The other one is wearing one of those cardboard, you pop out the eyes, sort of Prince Charles masks that you can get. Okay.

All stand for the king. We're entering the Regal Zoo. Regal Zoo. Off with their heads. On with the show. Listen, not to the whores and the shopkeepers. Bring me more advisers. The Regal Zoo.

So that's the Stalagmite, is it? So Prince Charles is the Stalagmite. Well, hang on. We don't know which era Charles we're talking. It's like 81, 82. So like marriage to die. Marriage and conducting. Charles, yeah.

Over 200 complicated affairs. With blue-blooded, horsey, top, top, absolutely top brass. Top totty. Quite literally top totty. In terms of the social structure of, social structures in 1980s Britain, yeah. Yeah.

So that one, is it? Yeah. So that's Mike, you're right. That's a Stalagtight. Tight. And then the other way. And then the other one is you don't need one for the other one, because the other one is Stalagmite,

it's just the opposite of that. So that's Prince Charles wearing, or the wearing of bank robbers. And the bank robbers, they're robbing of boots, I think. Is that right? Yeah. So Prince Charles is wearing a bank robber over his head. As a disguise.

And they're robbing an upside-down boot. But the upside-down boot is on the ground. It's on ground level, but it is upside-down. Ground level upside-down, yeah. So that's the opposite one. Now there is a good way of doing it, which is Stalagtight. So just imagine a pair of tights. Imagine you're in a cave,

and you just walk them up, push them up onto two legs, or human legs that are sticking down through the roof of the cave. Now just swap those caves, sorry, keep the cave, swap the legs. So what are we swapping the cave with? Are we just turning the cave 180 degrees? Swap the cave briefly for a boot.

Get a fresh pair of tights. A real deal. Quickly notice how difficult it is to find your way around the boots. Bloody hell. What is the nightmare? I mean, the amount of times I come here looking for those things that you clean your earbuds with, I don't even know what they're called. Well, no, you're not supposed to use them.

I can't even find them. I mean, maybe it's on purpose. Say where they do sushi. Then flip out, you're back in the cave. Sushi's gone. No sushi. Sushi's gone. Too late. But now what's changed in the cave is, well, earlier you warped that pair of tights up

above your head and slipped it over two human legs that are sticking down to the top cave. Those human legs have gone. There's now a man from the National Trust asking you to leave. Yeah, because it said clearly you're not supposed to go beyond the banisters. These are ancient cave paintings.

Some of the last vestiges of our heritage, artistic heritage as humans, you've drawn a face on this saber-sith tiger. Looks like the face of the king and his youth. You're garbling some nonsense about Boots Meals deals. The nearest Boots, I think, is in... Well, it'd be Cheltenham for me, wouldn't it? It's in Cheltenham for me, isn't it?

It's in Cheltenham. Is it open now? It's quarter six. Take your chances. I'm certainly not going to be giving you a lift because you've given me a mountain of paperwork to deal with. True, you're the only person who's actually visited these caves in six years, so I should probably be grateful.

But that's not including the toads, of course. So which is the Stalagmite? Stalagmite. Stalagmite scenario of the National Trust. The might of the National Trust. I tell you what, maybe they spent too much thinking about Stalagmite. They didn't think about whether they Stalag should.

And Stalagluft? It's like what? What does Stalagluft mean? I've seen that written down somewhere. It's a prison. Is it? World War II series of prisons. Don't say that as if we're meant to know that, Mike.

Not all of us have the encyclopedic knowledge of British... WW2 as he calls it. I think they're quite notorious. POW camps. In a complex cave system? Exactly. No, but so honestly, genuinely, have you got that nononic yet?

No, no, no, no, no. Far more confused than when we started. Well, this is what I was taught. I was taught as a child this same one on trips to Wookie Hall. Yeah. In some great place. I do recommend it. I've not actually been there.

Oh, it's brilliant. There's a Stalagmite that looks like a witch. And that's basically it. How much like a witch? Not at all. Tore like a witch, really. I just can't believe it doesn't look like a witch. It's a real-life face job.

It's a leap of eye of faith. Also, because a witch, I'm thinking, hat-wise, we might be able to use this as a mononic, hat-wise, a witch looks like a Stalagmite. Yeah. That's what they show you and tell you it looks like a witch. Oh, I see. That's the one.

I was picturing a Stalagmite for some reason. You wouldn't have a Stalagmite that looks like a witch, unless it was an upside-down witch, which wouldn't put past them. Once we've finished working out the difference between a Stalagmite and a Stalagmite, and learning what Henry's calling the mnemonic, can we then have a system by which we teach Henry

what a mnemonic is? Oh, yeah. And how to say it? Okay, I'm up for that. But first, let's just put this one to bed quickly. So, I was taught Stalagtites are the ones that come down because tites go down. Like a pair of tites on a woman or a man.

Like a pair of tites that's being worn on some legs. Robin Hood. Exactly. I want to say go down. I don't mean pull down tites. I mean, just tites sort of go from top to bottom, really. No. What do you mean?

Do you mean stockings? Well, when I was taught it by the volunteer at Wacky Hole, there was no guy being like, well, Stalagtites are tites because obviously, when I'm around, they come down, you know? No one's suggesting that sort of cave band to them. Uh-oh. Lewed content warning.

Lewed content, content, content. That is a thing of the past, that kind of cave band. I was there in the 80s, wasn't I? Learning about Stalagtites. It was a different time. It was, wasn't it? Because the tour guides are always things like, well, I'll tell you what,

I pleasure a woman down here three weeks ago. You can still the echo of her making a loud orgasmic whale. That was it. It was that crisp, yeah. Because they were asked, it was a pattern. They workshopped it from tour group to tour group. They knew what they were doing. Yeah.

And then one of the other guides would then hide around the corner and make some of orgasmic whales. Yeah. Tell you what, you think these cave walls are moist, you should see how sweaty my butt is getting. And I'm like, that's it. It was a lot of things, wasn't it? I mean, yeah, we laugh now, but it wasn't, you know.

It was a childhood. Yeah, I've lost count of the amount of times the volunteer at a sort of family day out started talking about the moistness or otherwise of his buttocks. Exactly. Well, you'd be too busy smoking to pay attention to what they say all the time, wouldn't you?

I was normally half cut by then as well. Yeah, exactly. A couple of brandies in the car. Yeah. A symbol of glue. Yeah. A couple of tabloids tucked under each arm. Wasn't it?

Some lurid Prince Charles related normally. Anyway, a mnemonic. Mnemonic, mnemonic. Isn't that when you sort of like an acrostic poem? Or like, isn't that like when you have... Oh yeah, cool. Thanks, just like an acrostic poem. Cool.

Sort it out. That's good. We can just move on, can't we? All of us. Thanks. I think it's just a memory. No, isn't it? Isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah. But I always thought that was a subset of mnemonics. No. Oh, piss off you fucking arsehole. You're saying mnemonic is any way to remember anything is a mnemonic. You're not talking about acronym though. Words and...

No, but it's like an acronym. It's like what Richard and York died in battle in vain. That's two indigos in my rainbow. What the heck? Sorry, is that how you're remembering the order of the rainbow or the order of the kings? Rainbow. Rainbow. Richard of York.

Oh, it's easy to remember. Red, orange, yellow. But how do you remember Richard of York? The assumption is that that's easier to remember than red, yellow. What's the other one? Okay, that works. Tech. Because the idea is there's a little narrative, there's a structure.

Okay, yeah, that makes sense, yeah. So that for me is a mnemonic, I think. But other people use visual, because visual aids is often good for memory. So for example, what you could do is imagine a picture of a cave, you know, a kind of knobbled cave extrusion coming downwards, a stalactite. It's a picture that, as an image, then picture next to it a picture of the word stalactite, but not the word. It has to be a picture of the word.

Don't think of the word because that's a different part of the brain. That's the word part of the brain. That's not going to help here. What you need is a visual part of the brain, which is active, you know, from the second we're born. And like language, which develops later. So imagine a picture. So imagine the word stalactite, but all sort of furry, for example.

Give it a visual. Like a photo picture. A picture, Mike. Mike, something hanging up in the tape modern, and you're looking at it going, bloody hell. Call this, it doesn't even, call this, I've traveled all the way from bloody accident. I'm there. Call that an, oh my God, haven't you? You call this art, it's not even a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very,

very realistic painting of a boat. I'm not supposed to believe it's art. I tell you what, unless I'm trying to literally get on board onto it, it's not art because it's that realistic. Unless I can actually almost smell crabs. Ring the crab bell. First time in the series, I think. Bloody hell.

Tell you what, they've never been far from our thoughts though, haven't they? No, never. For Mike, really, it's not art unless it is maritime. So unless you can imagine it on the wall in a sort of maritime themed pub. Or toilets, of course. Which meant that Mike briefly did actually overlap with the Brit Art movement with Damien Haas-Sharp, which Mike thought was absolutely brilliant. I thought that was quite a radical.

You thought it was absolutely brilliant, but then you saw the Brit Art sheep, then the I just thought that was a piece of agricultural vandalism, frankly. The proper process is to dispose of dead sheep. And for very good reasons. Well, you called 999, didn't you? You called 999. Ruined another day out in London. Yet again with your family, outside an art gallery, waiting for the police to arrive. OK, let's turn on the bean machine.

Yes, please. How's the... I know some of the beans, because it's spring. Obviously, there are challenges to the bean machine, aren't there? It's spring, a lot of spores. Because it's a bit like a mechanical version of hay fever, isn't it, that you suffer? Because all your pipes get sort of full up, don't they, with? With cubs.

Very different bear cubs, squirrel cubs, different... Seal cubs. Isn't it? Fox cubs. Well, actually, no, you're sort of wrong. This is the time of year when those cubs come out of hibernation and actually clear out. Clear out the tubes. It's quite a lovely thing to see, a little bit of symbiotic tube clearing. Blinking out into the lights, really lovely to see.

Having eaten some of the toxic slurry from the pipes, exactly. And indeed, that has then turned into a fecal plug, which is right there through the winter, to stop defecation. And then they come out blinking into the sunlight, they pass the fecal plug, which is an incredible thing to see. Can you describe it for us, actually? Because I think it is that amazing. Obviously, Mike and I have seen it many times, but...

Yeah, well, imagine a thousand Mars bars left in a hot car, then taken out, let out of their packet, then rolled in hay and fluff and feathers. And some of the sort of bioluminescent algae you sometimes see in a Mediterranean grotto. That's right, yes. And certain kinds of fungus that you only find in those underground crypts that are made of bones and skulls. You're talking about a Necrony basement. For Necrony storage.

Just off the A7, the black storage company. Necrony storage. You'll be surprised by our rates. They're almost good enough to die for. Just off the A4, Junction 6. Here's a tip, actually. The amount that my car insurance dropped when I told them that I was storing my car in my own Necronogarrid was amazing.

So if you can find a thousand or there about skulls and stack them on the corner of a garage, around the sides of a garage, that then qualifies as a Necronogarrid, and you'll probably get 20-30% off. And the ancient Mesopotamian artisan who can put that together as well. Yes. They're expensive. And there is a waiting list. Although, actually, Mike, increasingly, if you go on Nextdoor app,

I don't know if you're up on that stuff. I'm just looking at it right now. There's a Mesopotamian skull. He's calling himself a skull crofter. So that, I mean, it's probably the same sort of ballpark. These people are out there. A lot of them, obviously, a lot of them retired during... Well, a lot of them...

Retired in the first century. A lot of them retired during the first century. That is AD, not BC, but it's still a long time ago. Yeah, I think some of them will just dip for something to do, to be honest. Well, we've lost that respect in this country, for those traditional spine masons. Crafts. Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, Ray Ray, you find a kid these days who wants to be a skull mason. That's right. It's a great shame. That's right. And at the big black storage company, all of our storage units are coffin-shaped. It's just a bit of a joke we have. Just off the A4 Junction 7.

Got a bit of spare time. Why not bring the kids to Vultureland? Just off the A4 Junction 5. When you see our prices, your jaw will drop off. A bit like mine did 4,000 years ago. I'm currently holding it in place using my skeletal hand. Which also fell off several thousand years ago. And that's being held in place by my skeletal dog.

I've necronoconed up the bee machine. Oh, nice. Obviously, all the animals left, all the little bears got out. I've just replaced them with the haunted skulls of old sailors that washed up on the beach near me. It's got a lovely sort of that mixture. Let's face it, it's a bit macabre, isn't it? All the skulls and bones that you've crafted

into a complex mechanical system. It's a little bit macabre, isn't it? At the same time, it's got that fun. It's got that skeleton orchestra, hasn't it? There's a jolly side. It's got the xylophone on the bones. It's got the xylophone bones. It's got that jolly sort of...

Because, you know, the human skull, it take off the flesh and it is grinning, you know what I mean? It is having a laugh. We're all just walking dead smiles, aren't we, at the end of the day? Exactly. And it's got remembering that. Yeah.

Forever a bit low. And you can buy a little framed poster of that, can't you? In the Bean Machine gift shop, Ben. Which... How's that going? The council have shut that down. Yeah. I tried to get a discount from business rates.

Obviously, if you have a Necrony gift shop, you don't have to pay business rates. But unfortunately, if you put in too many skulls, it actually doesn't count as a Necrony gift shop. It becomes a mausoleum. It's just a mausoleum, exactly. And then you're in a completely different tax ban, aren't you? And then there's a lot of red tape with the mausoleum, so...

Yeah. Yeah. Well, a bit of more than we could do. Maybe next time we just start with this sort of mini-crips and build up slowly. Yeah. Yeah. Well, let's see.

OK, well, let's turn it on and watch the bones fly. This week's topic was sent in by... Can it be? Neil? Neil! Oh. Neil... Necrony Storage...

We can store your family heirlooms for as long as Henry Parker can say Neil, forever. You will be kneeling when we behead you if you don't keep up with your payments. The Necronys story. And that's a guarantee. By the way, I didn't even breathe in for that, Neil.

You were already on a downbreath when you started. I was on a downbreath, so that was just spare air that I keep in my cheek pockets and was so increasingly like you got an independent kneel lung to me. It's time to feel that, isn't it? I will spare the listener the actual Neil Jingle. Last time we put it in the podcast, this is how this is how receptive I am to the smallest amount of criticism.

Oh, God. We put it in the last in a couple of weeks ago, and then somebody very politely wrote, I think on the Patreon group, I could certainly do with never hearing that jingle again. And I thought, yeah, OK. Oh, Benjamin. Yeah, it's gone. How thin his skin.

I know. Bonderman would respect that now. Not how Bonderman would. Well, Bonderman would play it now three times in a row. With it getting slightly lower each time and slightly more distorted. I love the Neil Jingle, personally. Always remember who might really be behind those emails. Ben, yes, good point.

The thing is, they were being perfectly plight. They weren't how they get you. That's how they draw you in. That's how they do it. Also, that hurts a bit more, doesn't it? Because it's a considered... You can't just write them off as a ne'er-do-well. Also, how many people genuinely, literally, ne'er-do-well?

Do you know what I mean? Most people sometimes do well. Yeah. Yeah. Sporadically do well. Yeah. Henry, you and always do well. Yeah.

Do I? I always do my best. And if that's not good enough, then fuck yourself. I've got a thriving, bone-based storage business. I don't need you. I don't need you. Unless you want to be part of my business. Literally. You're not laughing along.

I know. That's because the poison that happens in your BAP earlier has worked. And you can't operate your face anymore. Now get in that barrel of lime. Now. Where do you get the skeletons from? You know what? That is one of the questions.

When I do, because I do a lot of, I go around schools and go around, you know, business, business universities and so on, and people doing MBAs. One of the questions I often get asked is that, and it's one of those ones where I'll tell you if you meet up with me privately later on. That's what I say to people. And you will be offering them a BAP. How I'll say to them is... Let's discuss this over a private BAP.

Yeah? Don't worry, you don't need to bring anything. I'll bring the BAP. I'll bring the BAP? No, you say you actually, you're into BAPs. Don't worry, no, but you try a different kind of BAP. You try all different kind of BAPs. You actually make BAPs.

Eat this BAP now. Put it in your face now. Get back down here now. Now, now, now, too late. You can't control the swallow mechanism if I punch you in the gill. In the gill. In the gill. You're talking to some kind of fish, man.

Didn't know you had a gill, did you? Till I punched you in it. It's a vestigial gill. We've all got vestigial gills, but we don't know about... Henry, have you punched a gill into someone? I'm going to punch you in the gills. I haven't got gills. You will in a moment.

I punched a gill in. I was like, punch this haddock, haddock, hadn't you? No, well, Ben, I do, you know, I do the, there is a kind of dark business circuit that I do. So it won't be the big business schools. It won't be LSE and stuff like that. It'll be, some of them will be, there'll be people there that are, you know, some of them may be semi, semi-humanoid.

Some of them may have gills, you know what I mean? It's kind of a dark, it's more of an underworld sort of thing. So universities that are in, in crypts, for example. Okay. For example, they're doing some really, really interesting stuff actually, currently up in Necronel, Loughborough. The guys up there, some quite good courses they're running. Of course, obviously the Necronet University of Florida.

It's quite good, isn't it? Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Right, this week's topic has sent in by Neil. Oh, well done, Henry. Excellent restraint. Yeah. He's used up as Neil, Neil Young, Neil Young, Neil Lung.

I've used up many for the day. I've used up many of my Neil Lung for the day. The topic is TV crime shows. Holy moly. What? Holy moly. I mean, that's right up Wozniak Street, isn't it? Not half.

That's your bread and butter. Shall we paddle in the swimming pool of definitions to begin with? Mike, inflate it. I've got the hose. Let's do it, maybe I. Ben, you got your little Victorian boy outfit on. Get splashing. I've got my woolen swimming costume.

Well, I'm not that, OK, I've got to say so. I do think I'm not quite as into TV crime shows as you guys. I prefer to read, you know, I mean, I know it's silly, obviously. But for me, the mystery of, you know, how will this metaphor end? How exactly? For me, the mystery is, oh, will this poet be able to keep up

their use of alliteration in this sonnet? Because they've set the bar pretty high in the first stanza or a couple of lines, do you know me? Also, will it be ABBACCAABB? Or will it be ABABCCAABB? Or will it be BBBACCAABBCC? Or will it be AADDDBBCCCC? Those kinds of questions.

Yeah, a quiet Friday night in, for you, might just be just be looking at one one little corner of a of a manne. Right, Nick? Exactly. For example, just just marveling at the way the light can, you know, can catch a teapot in a manne, for example, for me. Yeah, but I mean, I realize that just makes me so silly. Just a silly idiot, really. Manne must have been pretty pissed off that there was a manne.

Tell me, like, your whole brand is your called manne. Yeah, yeah. And I don't know who came first, but then manne pops up. Yeah. And then for the rest of time, when someone says manne, they go, do you mean manne? Do you mean manne? Yeah. Or do you mean manne from Supergrass?

What do you mean? Which one are you talking about? Do you mean Manne from Supergrass? Manne or? Or manne out of manne, A to E. Or do you mean the word money, as said by a Scouser? Manne, manne! Oh, God, that was a hate crime, I think. Let's take with you a hate crime.

I'm not going to fight this in court. It's not, I'm guilty. You are no longer welcome in the whole. I'm guilty if the UN, if the UN wants, would it be the UN that come for me here? I think it's probably just, you just need to walk into the Mersey of your own accord, I think. I'm just going to walk into the Mersey.

I will do my time in the Mersey. Well, as you wash through it into the sea, don't bounce off the Liverpool banks. Whatever you do, don't touch that ground. Because they will come, they'll be just, it'll just be alive with Scouser hands trying to grab me. Just pull you to bits. Angry Scouser hands.

Trying to pump my face in. No, I apologize to everyone involved for that. Can I say that, actually? I once went to live, I had a lovely time. Went to a cafe, had a really good breakfast in there. You sound surprised. It's quite a famously fun and exciting, thriving city. Exactly, so it doesn't need me to say this, does it?

So exactly, I don't know what I'm making a big deal about it, Sam. I'm not sure what you're trying to imply. Yeah, I'm just saying, I went there and there wasn't a big deal. I had a really nice sandwich, a nice breakfast. Not a big deal, I wasn't surprised. Are you going home again? I was bored by how good it was. I thought this is what I thought I'd expect.

What did I think I was going to do? It's just another... Yeah, it's not even a big deal, do you know what I mean? If anything, it didn't live up to your expectations. If anything, it was a let down. If anything, I thought this was a shut down breakfast. I'm going to come into this city again. Can you see it down if you do, down if you don't with this stuff?

Literally. Now, I did have a nice time there. You sound surprised. It is really good. That made me sound surprised. It's the curse of the London that you see. I can't... Anything I say about anyone else in Britain

would be actually quite good, actually. You know what, especially... And what some of London means when they say that is, you know what, it's actually not that different from London. That's what they actually say. You can drink the tap water. You can actually drink the tap water up there. You know what, I actually had a poached egg

and they knew exactly what I was talking about. It was fine. Anyway, sorry. They didn't even poach it in lago, which I assume is what they're going to do. I had that for... I know this is slightly off-topic. I think this happens to a lot of people.

When you first go to the Highlands of Scotland, you just go, what? This is in Britain. I know. This is part of the UK. Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben. But listen, don't... Because there's another thing about bits of Britain.

Some of them are secrets that London's like to think it's our little secret. So actually, we think the Highlands basically belongs to London. We basically think the same about Cornwall. It's basically ours. And the Suffolk Coast. And the Suffolk Coast. Bitch, don't tell everybody.

Don't tell anyone else. Shhh. Yeah, no, no, the Highlands are incredible, aren't they? There's a lot of it. There's a lot more of it than you'd imagine. But the beaches are great. It's got an amazing coastline. It's like there's deers everywhere.

I was once driving in the Highlands, right? And literally over every hill, you'd see a whole load of different hills beyond... So you'd be driving up a hill. And then you'd get to the top of it. There'd be all these new hills in front of you. And I used to stop. I'd stop the car sometimes and get out

and just look at all these hills. And go, I just cannot believe how many hills there are here. And how nice-looking they are. I'd get back in the car, drive on a bit further over another hill. There'd be a whole new bunch of hills. Again, it was incredible. Absolutely. Genuinely, though, I absolutely love the Highlands.

Because they're not see-through, are they? That's the truck we can't, yeah. They've got those opaque hills. So you can't see through the hills to see the hills. You've got to get to the top of the hills to see the hills. Well, that's how it works up there. It's completely non-pomperdude. They haven't... Obviously, if that was London,

we'd have been transparent. You'd be able to see through the hills, see the mechanism. You know what you're dealing with immediately in one go. You'd be able to see one gulp. Like they've done on the Elizabeth Line, which is the new Tube Line that I'm quite excited about. You can see all the rivets. There's a lot of exposed rivets in the tunnels.

Again, if the Highlands, you can't see any of the rivets, they're all hidden. They're all mossed over, aren't they? Well, they've covered it with this exact kind of live... It's a kind of live wallpaper, sort of live... Almost like a live carpet. Like a faux fur. But beyond this.

It's like a faux... Like a... Yeah. Like a faux fur. Also, if you do go to the Highlands, remember, you can stop off at the Super Dragon Cafe on the way. Pompidoo discount. I can't remember if that's running at 10% or 15%. I think it's 15%.

It doesn't apply to mockers and hot chocolates, but, you know, fill your boots on the way. Do it. You know, the good thing about the Highlands is... I love the palette of the Highlands. Oh, God, I can't believe I've just said that. The purple heathers, the mosses. I can't believe I've just said that.

The thistles. The song of the Cappacali. No, but it's the colour palette, which is... That feeling you get when you sink your teeth into a live tarmigan. Is that kind of a sort of river mammal? No, it's like a small... It's like a grouse or like a partridge. OK. But what... Cos I've been watching that Attenborough thing about the UK.

The British Isles. Politically, I don't know how it works. Is it UK? Yeah. Yeah, cos they hit Northern Ireland as well, don't they? OK, yeah. But if a squirrel goes over the... So, if his crew are following a squirrel in Northern Ireland, and it goes over the border into Southern Ireland,

the Republic of Ireland, what's the situation there? Well, in terms of what the DUP think about the squirrel. Do you mean... Was he allowed to follow the squirrel? DUP very cross about it, I think. Yes, I've seen a bit of that show. I mean, what it needs to really give it another boost, of course, would be

nice little murder or two. Well, the thing is, you do get a lot of murders in the nature shows, but it's not generally done with a... You know who did it, don't you? There's no suspense. I mean, yeah, in the opening scenes, there's a seal pup gets it. I found that very hard to stomach, indeed. And you saw it happen, you saw the culprit.

When I saw that happening with the seal pup, I tried to channel how I feel about pigeons. Like we discussed last week, I just think there's loads of them. They're not really, you know what I mean? They're not a big deal. They're sort of like... It's like swatting a fly. It's like swatting a pigeon, yeah.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. And I was genuinely distressed. And I'm much more comfortable watching a fictional murder. I'd much rather see a human being killed fictionally. The thing with animal murders is on those shows, they're always quite straightforward, isn't it? So it was just like, I don't know what killed that seal.

It was a gang of squirrels. It was a gang of... It was county line squirrels. It was a territorial move. It was almost done as a warning, wasn't it, to other seals, which is you're on our turf here. Yeah. I mean, it feels like...

We've got the beach now. We've got the beach all in it. Yeah. Quite henched squirrel with a snooker ball in a sock. Yeah. It was horrible. We're moving food. Yeah.

We're moving food through this beach. If you don't like it, maybe you'll end up... Like Gary. Gary the seal. Who is now part of the walls of the Necronist Storage, only A4, in the animal room. Awfully waterproof Necronist Storage seal-lined coffin boot. It's usually the quicker for storing snooker cues.

Vinyl. Across stuff. Sports gear, vinyl. Honestly. Cashmere. Cashmere. When was it bad if people say, honestly, we're actually quite nice people.

So, frankly, it'd be nice to get some business going. So, just come on down. And remember, our prices are murder. Is that a phrase? So, Mike, it sounds like you were genuinely quite distressed by this, but can you recount the murder to me? It was an orca doing the murdering. How was the orca doing that?

Just straight in the mouth? Yeah, just grabbed it. Was chasing it. Knew there was a seal hiding in a little gully. Grown-up seal. Went into this little gully. Grown-up seal, scarpered. Baby saw it.

I don't want to go through it. It was just sitting there. Was this in Britain? This is one of the first things in the first episode. It takes it off and then, as David Attenborough puts it, teaches the other orcas how to drown it. I was like, come on, David. Oh, God.

Can we just see a squirrel eating a nut? And is this happening in the Thames? Next to HMS Belfast. No, this was off the coast of the Highlands, wasn't it? Or maybe even Shetland Isles. Shetland Isles, it might have been. Right. It was.

But, you see, in the kind of TV show that Mike likes to watch, the way this murder would have happened is that one of the... Well, for a start, they wouldn't have been called killer whales because that really does totally... That blows it a bit, doesn't it? He'd be called Reverend Whale. He'd be called Reverend Whale. He'd be...

He'd first meet him, unassumingly tending to his mint plant. Is it a very small parish? Yeah. It's got quite an anxious housekeeper. There's a rambunctious landlord nearby. Yeah. But, of course, we do need to raise money for the church roof.

It's already got three roofs. I know, but it needs more roofs. You can never have too many roofs. What, with global warming? And then what would happen is there'd be a complex plan involving his twin brother, who he hasn't seen for... We think he hasn't seen for decades.

Who's an archvillain? Well, he'd go out that day dressed up as him. And pray on the vulnerable. Yeah. The thing is, with these animal shows, the murders are very straightforward, right? It's just like an orca drags a seal. There's no subtext.

It's just... It's lunch. Exactly. Motive is lunch. Wouldn't it be better if Attenborough was able to present a programme where an orca managed to murder a seal, but the seal was in a locked room all along?

Locked from the inside. No other way to escape. How did he do it? Yeah. Yeah, now I'm in. Now I'm interested. See, that's right up my street. Then I could handle it.

Ben, I thought you were going to say, wouldn't it be good if Attenborough did a show where there's an orca going after a seal and there's ten celebrities in between? Titchmarsh dresses a walrus. Is that a seagull? No. It's John Travolta.

It's Joanna Lumley dressed as a sea otter. They've got ten weeks to save that seal. Welcome. To save that seal. So isn't this like, is it physical challenges or is it more like kind of crystal maze, kind of like mental challenges?

Or a bit of both? I think a bit of both probably. I think it's just thrashing through the North Sea, just the aching coal of the North Sea. I don't think Titchmarsh is going to last very long, especially in a walrus costume if you threw him in the North Sea. I think you'd surprise people.

I think that's going to be one of the talking points. You get to have a so too, you're like, I can't believe Titchmarsh is still going. He's covered 312 nautical miles. It's unbelievable. I thought he was going to shinny up that oil rig and take refuge. He didn't, he kept going.

He said in the first episode he thought he could garden his way out of anything, and it sounds like that to be true. He's just gardening his way through. Problem after problem, he's using gardening to solve that. The kelp planes at the bottom of the North Sea are just, have you seen them?

They're extraordinary. They've never looked so neat. He's put a pergola in. For those listening outside of the UK, Alan Titchmarsh is our premier television gardener. That's right. Also writer of appalling erotic novels. Well, they're a smash hit though, aren't they?

Have you read any? I've read any. You've taken a dive? Well, no, because every year, there's an award that has been running for many years, which is the worst bit of purple prose in a novel that year. Is it the Bad Sex Awards? The Bad Sex Awards, yeah.

Uh-oh. Lewed content warning. Lewed content, content, content. And I think Titchmarsh now basically rocks him every year. Is it? So I assume it's just a digging metaphor after digging metaphor after digging metaphor, is it? He was really going to have to put his hand

to the shovel this time. Yeah, because pruning's hard to crowbar into. He was pruned and ready to go. What else is there? Weeding? I mean, again, yeah, it's digging, yeah. She felt like hot compost under his hands. His fingers were all over her, like fresh-born slugs.

So Alan Titchmarsh won the award for his novel, Mr. McGregor, in which he described a man becoming entangled in the lissom limbs of his human bow constrictor. What, so he's being strangled by his own phallus? A man? And then swallowed by it. And almost in a locked room, locked from the inside. Can I say that I think quite a lot darker and more interesting

than I was expecting from Titchmarsh's prose. Which book was that, Ben? I've got the Kindle, so I can actually, I could be reading it in a minute. I genuinely just thought the use of language was quite interesting. It was called Mr. McGregor, who of course is the name of the gardener

in the Peter Rabbit books. Is it about him? Is that why the rabbits are able to run rampage with his radishes? Because he's just a solid wall-to-wall banging. I tell you what, I'm the person who does the most banging around here by miles. And I live surrounded by rabbits.

That's right. They're at it like me. That's how I say the phrase. I say, they're doing it like me. That's how I say the phrase. No, that isn't a carrot. I've got a very, very, very, very serious problem with that. With my massive orange pythonic dong.

Yeah, and it's even got the little white bit, the kind of tenderly bit at the end, like when you buy an organic carrot. Yes, I know, it's very, very serious. That's obviously part of the problem. And you will need to peel or grate it. Yes, otherwise it's a non-starter. And we will need to boil it for at least three minutes.

Otherwise it's too much work. Or at least stick it under a harsh tap and you scrub it good and hard with a wire brush. Otherwise you're going to get nothing out of it. It's incredible how many parallels there are between it and an organic carrot. It's extraordinary, but perhaps I will repeat this, it isn't a carrot.

And it's certainly not organic. Oh yeah. I've lackered my penis. I've also drenched in pesticides. Can I say, I think this is our most lewd series to date, you know. He might be. He could be. I think he's more lewd.

That's going to have to have lewd content on it that bit. Yeah, I think that's probably going to have to be our second of the episode as well. Bloody hell. I have to put one at the beginning of the whole thing. Hmm. Maybe we need to, I think we need to,

I think we need to, I think we need to, I think we need to, I think we need to, I think we need to, I think we need to, I have to put one at the beginning of the whole thing. Hmm.

Maybe we need a sort of ultra lewd, you know, like a, Oh God. Titch march level. Titch march level, lead content morning. Can I say it also, for someone to go into erotic fiction

and to dabble in the arts of Dublon tondras and this sort of like, you know, ripe analogies and, you know, bawdy word play that I imagine fills his books, to go into that, when you got the word titch in your surname,

do you know what I mean? He's also got the word arson in his surname. He's got both titch and arse in his surname. It's normal as a determinism, isn't it? Really? You've got the word titch and arse in his name. How many, hang on a minute,

how many rude words are there in titch marchers surname? And his first name is an anagram. OK, time for your emails. And in place of our normal email jingle, we are going to play one sent in by Mary Ellen. Thank you very much for sending it in. Mary Ellen.

Thank you. She writes, Dear Beans, I'm a particular jingle man and original sexy monk, Bean Partridge. Lovely. Please accept my version of the email jingle

in Latin. She's got the word titch and arse in his name. And in place of our normal email jingle, we are going to play one sent in by Mary Ellen. How many, hang on a minute, how many, hang on a minute,

how many, hang on a minute, how many, hang on a minute, how many, hang on a minute, how many, hang on a minute,

how many, hang on a minute, how many, hang on a minute, me and you, love the one. Oh. Wow.

Oh, wow. So sexy, wasn't it? That was absolutely outstanding. That's fascinating. Ooh that sexy mank. That's sexy. Sexy chanting. Ooh,

that sexy Latin. That was magnificent. I feel very relaxed after that. Yeah. Absolutely x-rated, practically, that, wasn't it? I really, it was sort of like a picture sort of pew, just writhing with monks all under a flickering neon bulb. Also, was that like an American accent

on some of the Latin in the background? Well, there was a, there seemed to be two voices, there was a lower voice and a higher voice. Lower voice, I thought, didn't have an American accent. Don't know, didn't pick it up. Or maybe not. I was pleased, I know the Latin word for robot now. Yeah.

Which is? Robot. I was in there as well. Yeah, the word robot was definitely in there. Email also, I mean, I don't think emails were around in the time when it comes from the Latin originally, doesn't it? But Ben, can I say that is, that is exactly why

you need to visit Pompeii, because that's what you think. You go to these Roman ruins and you think, they won't have sewage, I mean, they won't have drainage, they do have drainage. They won't have little phone repair shops. They went to a phone repair shop, they did. And actually, you know, you can see those people who were caught in their final moment as the lava arrived.

One of those guys is actually just deleting an email from LinkedIn. That's right. As he becomes his own screen grab. And you can almost see in his face, I'm thinking, I'm sure I had unsubscribed from this, why am I keep getting emails from LinkedIn? We've had an email from Dan from Aberdeen.

Hello Dan. But he's living in the north of Sweden via Bremen. Hello Beans, I would like to recount to you what happened on the day my son was born. My partner and I arrived at the maternity unit at around 4.30 a.m. And I started playing the playlist she had carefully curated, which will be playing throughout the birthing process.

Without going into details, there were complications between my partner needed an emergency cesarean and a general anaesthetic, which required a pausing of the playlist and being whisked off to the operating theatre. I then met my son for the first time. It was glorious. I was now a provincial dad.

Congratulations Dan. Congratulations. My partner went out for the count in another part of the hospital. And I was left mostly on my own with our newborn son back in the delivery room. I decided I would press play on the playlist and enjoy this moment with music.

I was surprised then to hear Henry Packer presenting a riddle about a tweed tube that can travel 120 miles an hour or something. I'd press play on my podcast app instead of my music app. Following his birth, my son heard the voice of Henry Packer before the voice of his own mother. And of course, and unfortunately,

with Swedish people, it's exactly the same as with Eagles, which means that I am now bonded. You are now being printed onto you. Yeah, he is now being printed onto me, that child. That hard-wiring, it sets early. Yeah, so basically, if you want to feed that child, I assume they'll be having difficulties. What you need to do is you need to Google my face,

do a printout, you need to get down to whatever the Swedish equivalent of snappy snaps is. You need to get that made into a face mask, which you then need to wear. You're then gonna have to make a hole in the mouthpiece. You do sell Henry Packer scent, don't you, online. Yes, you can buy that online. The scent pack.

Although, between you and me, a lot of it isn't actually my scent. It's just taken from men with a similar build. But it's near enough, it'll help, so anything can help. So you need to put that. Now, a lot of people think what they need to do is to get two of those masks, put them one on each breast, and get the nipples coming out through the mouth.

That actually isn't the right way to do it. You might be surprised to learn. So I hope they haven't already gone down that road. What you actually need to do is, because it's the same as with eagles, what you need to do is, wear that mask yourself, then you need to go into the garden or into a local park and get a handful of worms, collect as many worms as you can,

get those worms in your mouth, put the mask on, and then you need to spit or dribble those worms out into the eagle child's mouth. There we go, Dan. Hope that helps. Well, congratulations, Dan. But I tell you what, it's a wonderful moment, and also it's a lovely age, isn't it?

So Dan writes, he does also have what appears to be an onion-shaped birthmark on his right thigh. Holy moly. There be a third. A third onion child, linked to one of the beans. It's called again, bonded. Imprinted. Imprinted, imprinted on one of the beans.

Each one. You think each of us has an onion? An onion child. It could be. Maybe. Well, it's all the more important, then, that you're feeding him lots of worms through that Henry Packer mask.

Nice and strong. You need to get him really, really nice and strong. When he's a bit bigger, some shrews, the baby rabbits, that kind of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And keep those shrews skeleton in. Let him crunch it all down, yeah? Yeah, he's got to crunch them down.

You've got to crunch them down. Because so often these days, babies are eating shrews off the bone. Pure-aid, shrew. You know, it's the nanny society gone mad, because how are we preparing them for real life? They think they've had everything on a plate, they've had everything boned.

Felt like a door mouse. Crunchy, crunchy protein. Gareth emails. Hello, Beans. Now, this is in reference to the episode we did about ice creams, in which Henry came up with what he described as a billion-dollar idea. Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Typical. I've literally... I said that. This is typical of me. I had a billion-dollar idea, and I've not thought about it once since, and someone else has probably gone and done it now.

Well, here we go. He writes, I'm afraid you might get a few emails along these lines, but I'm sad to say that ready-scooped won't be the idea that makes Henry his first billion. Dot, dot, dot. Unless he's happy for that first billion to come courtesy of a franchise agreement

with the Russian government. Oh, my. Not again. Ready-scooped ice cream is already a hit in Moscow. Oh, my word. They sell ice cream from Booth's ready-scooped. You just pick a flavour, and they come out with the freezer cone and all.

Oh, my word. He writes, obviously Russia isn't high on anyone's travel destination list anymore, but I hope Henry still tries to smuggle the intellectual property of the idea out of Russia, and they make a film about him, like the one they're currently doing about Tetris. Yet again,

a great business idea of mine, turns out, is basically just a rehash of an old Soviet trick. That's disappointing. Like your idea that all farms should be collectivised. Exactly. Should be the ownership of the state. That was going to be big, wasn't it?

That was going to be massive. It was basically ready to go. Well, no, because obviously you thought about it, and you thought, right, we'll then have to have a kind of secret police to make sure nobody's taking any of the livestock or selling it for themselves.

Huge network of informants, the occasional ice pick assassination squad. Encouraging children to inform on their parents. It was all ready to go. The budget gets out of control very quickly. It's called Packers Big Five-Year Bonanza. Packers Big Fun Five-Year Bonanza. I think Soviet communism could have gone a lot better

if they described things more in terms of bonanzas rather than just the five-year plan, you know? Yeah. If they called it the five-year bonanza. Yeah. Well, we live and learn. Okay, finally, email is from Robert Pellebeans.

I write to access the only source of provincial dad wisdom that I know about. That being Mike Wozniak. Or at least a correction of said dad wisdom where a subsequent listener bollocking. Oh. Hmm. Please set an argument I'm having with a colleague.

She believes that there was nearly such a thing as an everlasting light bulb. But this was prevented from being marketed by a cartel of light bulb makers who foresaw greater profits from light bulbs needing regular replacement. I think this is nonsense of the Soviets used a pencil in space variety.

Does Dad Wisdom Handbook have anything to say on the matter? Sounds like a great bit of trivia, doesn't it? It sounds like really fertile, trivia stuff of provincial dad barbecue style. Hmm. It also does just sound like a different version of the man in the white suit to me. What's that one?

Alec Guinness. Film. The eating comedy. Is it about a man who invents this sort of perfect thread that will never wear down and never get, can't be dirtied, and he's hounded out of town by big thread.

Oh. And the dry cleaners and stuff. Exactly. People. They'll be done for. I think I'm with Robert of Sheffield. Yeah. I think it sounds like it's fiction.

And I might be wrong. I'm not going to check if I'm wrong. And if he wants provincial dad advice, then what he needs to do is he needs to just make a decision which side of the argument he's on, and stick to it regardless of any evidence you're shown. Yeah. To the contrary.

You just dig your heels in further. And if you are shown evidence, that evidence has been forged in some way, question where it's come from, question its veracity. Just dig in harder and harder and harder. Cleave. Cleave harder.

That's crucial. That's all that really counts. And the other big thing, isn't it, Mike, is be prepared to ruin a barbecue over it. Oh, yeah, yeah. A barbecue, a car journey, a dinner party evening in a small plastic pub, whatever it may be.

You definitely have to be able to wed a conversation with your wife that goes along the lines of, why does it matter that there's a bulb that's everlasting or not? Why does it matter to you? And then you just say through gritted teeth, you don't understand and you just stare at the road ahead. You stare at the road ahead.

You whack it up into fifth. You obviously respect the speed limit. I shan't be taken for a fool. Migrate. And you go to bed that night and under your breath, you're saying to yourself, I'll say a lot of things about me, but I'll never be able to say I didn't cleave.

And then you set your alarm for 3.30 a.m. At that point, you quietly get up. You go into an upstairs room. You plug in your electric guitar, which has headphones with it. And you play Smoke on the Water for three hours. Smoke on the water. Till dawn.

Mike, I found recently, as a stress reliever, just popping my headphones on, playing along to a backing track, the solo from Comfortably Numb to myself, like five times in a row. Wonderful. Great way to spend time. The Elf of Mindfulness.

Lovely. And tragic. Bit of that, Robert. That's what you need in your life. Because you'll always have your sick string, regardless of the argument about light bulbs. You've always got your sick string. But Ben, think.

Imagine if someone secretly filmed your facial expressions while you were doing that and projected them onto Big Ben. Oh, God. And then Alan Titchmark described them. Yeah. How do you close the curtains when I do it? He's not an amateur. Come on.

It's time. To pay the ferryman. Patreon. Patreon. Patreon.com. Ford slash three bean salad. And at the Sean Bean tier, you get a little shout out in the Sean Bean lounge,

where Mike was last night. Bet your bottom dollar. It was the French firefighters wrestling, wasn't it? And here's my report. Welcome to the French firefighters wrestling at the Sean Bean lounge. An insensitive remark made by Sean Bean, all of the French firefighters refused to attend

and instead went to see Avatar wear water in 2D with 3D subtitles. The Sean Bean loungers were undeterred and after weeks of preparation came to wrestle anyway. Nicole Jatkowski, Andrew Cowburn, Animes and Timmy Tentos began with a four-way snake wrestle and were soon pounced on by Joseph Sherlock, Patrick O'Maley and Corgan Rivera

in a triangle of sausages formation. Callum Franklin, who had the role of lubrication captain, had failed to oil any of the wrestlers and the high friction levels quickly resulted in wrestler combustion. Nick Cullen attempted to put the fire out with a wet Jean-François Côté. It was the same by converting Valerie Vichek

into flame retardant powder, but Aisha B. and Tom Milburn had been plying Valerie with Calvados and the Inferno was exacerbated. Christopher Fairclough went to fetch help from the French firefighters but got engrossed in the film, stayed until the end and then went for noodles. Not forgetting the purpose of the evening, Ian Naden and Aaron Considine

had a wrestling ring for a classic Grouchin-style grapple, but the heat of the flames shrank their leotards to the size of Cornichon, crushing them with it. Of those who registered to wrestle, only Cato Ben Nothing and Laura Spence had survived up until this point, on account of being eight, on account of entering a Coast Guard shin kicking contest next door by mistake.

The wrestling ring having been reduced to ash by now, the three of them constructed a new combat area and, on mass, set upon James Irwin, who'd survived on account of getting his head stuck in the Sean B. Lewis. Having used paraffin grease to free himself, Irwin was a powder keg waiting to blow. The spark, the lit barbeque used by Laura Spence

to tip the match to her team's advantage. The outcome, wrestler Flambé left right and centre. The French firefighters hit the late bar at their premiere in and had a cracking night. Thanks all. So that's the podcast. We'll play out with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you, the listener.

And I think we're going to play out with John from Braemans, three-bean mambo theme music. Oh, nice. I've put together a dark mambo version of your theme music, which I hope you enjoy. Thank you. Sadly, it doesn't contain any real guitar.

I'm sure this will come as a disappointment to Mike, but I'm sure Henry will appreciate that I'm not giving Mike the ammunition to bore him to death with guitar-related gushing. Well, too late, because we've already just done it just then. There's always a way. We'll play out with that, and thank you. Thank you for listening. Goodbye.

Thanks, everybody. Cheerio. Bye. Thank you.